All language subtitles for The.armstrong.and.miller.show.S03E06.web.English-WWW.MY-SUBS.CO

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Anything yet?

Something about being
very careful what you say.

Anything yet?

Something about being
very careful what you say.

I just said that.

(GEORDIE ACCENTS) Nature's bounty!
So easy for anyone to enjoy.

You just literally
pick it off the trees,

or, in the case of these
blackberries, off the bushes.

We were planning to make
a fruits of the forest dessert

using the berries
we picked ourselves.

But Rory scratched himself
picking this little lot.

That's right, dude! Blackberry bushes
can be dangerous places, my friend.

So I'm taking him up to Casualty
to get a tetanus jab.

You can't eat with lockjaw!

And by then it'll be getting dark.
Oh, that's right, dude,

and woods in the dark
can be dangerous places, my friend.

You said that one. So we'll probably
just grab a bite back at the hotel.

In fact, The Bourne Supremacy
is on tonight.

We could get room service
and watch that.

Then have an early night!

You are cooking!
You lit the gas!

BOTH: Come on!

You join me in the little church
of Santa Maria

in the picturesque
northern Italian town of Paluzza

to view a singular
and inspirational item -

the Madonna della Moscardo.

As the Protestant forces swept
southwards through Europe in 1527,

on their way to the Sack of Rome, they
stopped at every church and chapel,

smashing any statue, any picture,
any icon they could find.

Here in Paluzza they even destroyed
the sacred vineyard,

the source of the town's
renowned Communion wine.

Unbowed, unwilling
to have their worship interrupted,

the villagers
carved their own Madonna

from the trunk of an axed vine.

Thus the light
of Catholic worship continued,

even in the darkest hour
of the Reformation.

With the vineyard destroyed,

there was no wine with which
to celebrate the Eucharist.

So the locals
brewed their own libation,

from redcurrants, nettles
and dandelion leaves.

It is potent, unpalatable even.

But to this day they still use
the liquor in their Mass,

as a reminder of the power,
the resilience

of their simple faith and courage
in the face of hatred and fear.

Their sacrament, just like
the priceless icon beside me,

thankfully survives untrammelled
to this very day.

It came out of the blue.

One moment I was walking through
the old quarter of Dubrovnik,

reconciling myself
to lifelong bachelorhood,

you know, sheds and slipper style,
like Uncle Tony.

And the next moment
I've spotted this one,

and we have fallen instantly in love.

It was sort of a primal thing,
I suppose.

And the fact that she doesn't speak
English and I don't speak...

her...language,
has made it all the more magical.

Just a wonderful, wonderful
fairytale.

Help...me!

She's now learning English.

DANCE MUSIC

Whereupon I shall transport you
on jet black wings of passion

to the lofty heights of delirium,
to sleep, to sleep and wake no more.

How does that sound to your
delicate little ear, my pretty?

Honestly? Just creepy.

Does it?

You still haven't answered
my question.

How comes you're dressed up
as a snooker player?

BOTH: Eugh! Eugh!

By Nijas's tears, during whose reign
did women become so brusque?

I know not, friend.

Just endeavour to be glad
of their shameless intoxication.

It would seem the devil's pollen
has done much of our work for us.

Oh, Horschstadt, imagine
what delights await us within.

Come. Let us fly like the sparks
from Vulcan's very anvil.

WIND WHISTLES

A brace for entry
into your establishment,

if it pleases you, my dear sir.

A night of ribaldry and, if I
may dare, ravishment, awaits us.

No.

I beg your pardon?

Not in those shoes.

These were created by Puccini's
personal shoemaker in 1884.

Not tonight, gents.

My good sir, in the dying embers
of the 18th century,

I was an habitue of the legendary
soirees of Giacomo Casanova.

And I'm Simon Cowell. Do one!

Hey, Pharius, Horschstadt!
What's happening?

Yes, yes, good evening, thank you.

Raphael Marquez.
My name's on the list.

Mr Marquez, er,
perhaps we could accompany you...?

Er...laters!

Him, we're acquainted with him!

Yes, our names should be "down".

Name?

Paul. Paul what?

Jenkins...son.

There's no Paul Jenkinson here.

We work for an influential periodical.
A startling review could be yours.

I know the DJ.

No.

He's my brother,
I must help him carry his apparatus.

Come on, lads.
No, I mean a friend of my brother,

his lodger, I've got his keys.
Please.

He's going to be very, very angry
if he doesn't get them.

Your position here
will become untenable.

Don't make this unpleasant.

You threaten me, mortal?
Then reveal thy wooden stake.

I'll knock your f... head off, pal.

I beg you to try.
Then you, like many before you,

will meet the same fate
as Prince Dorda of Serbia.

Now piss off!

Oh, my days, he's hit 'im!

No, no, no matter, no matter.

Come, Horschstadt.
Let us go from here.

Perhaps we could have a little
sit down in Subway for half an hour.

Well, whatever happened to
global warming, eh?

Hmm.

Stop! From October 1st, if you say,

"Whatever happened to global warming,
eh?"

whenever it's a bit cold or wet,
you could be cooling off in a prison cell.

This leaflet is being sent
to every household in Britain.

You have until September 30th
to learn the difference between climate,

a long-term trend
averaged over many years,

and weather, which is what's going on
outside the window right now.

Make sure you study it,
because if you don't,

the next shower you get caught in
could be in the prison wash block.

Will you look at this weather, eh?

Still, I'm sure it will
all average out statistically

to indicate a long-term
warming trend.

Global warming quips.
Get acclimatised.

GRUNTING:

Wife?

Wife?

I've definitely got the right
skill set. Well, yes,

it's just a question of whether you
can adapt to the smaller company.

Different ethos.

Is that something you've considered?

It's one of my main reasons
for moving.

You know, I feel there's
more opportunity

to develop professionally within
a smaller, more immediate framework.

Great, well, I think that's covered
everything we wanted to at this stage.

Obviously we'll be in touch
when we have some news. Great.

Was there anything
you wanted to ask us?

Yeah, how about a threesome?

Are there any parking spaces?

I can always park and ride, not that
sort of ride. I'm going to head off.

Right, that's legally yours now.

Thank you,
you've been a really great help.

Oh, it's like Piccadilly Circus
in here today.

Can I help you, love?

It's my hen do.

Ooh, is it really?

Yeah. We've just come in to buy
something sexy for the wedding night.

And are you planning to be sober
by then,

or are you going to drink
through all the intervening days?

Hey, what about these?

Now, to me that's more like something
you should be buying onions in.

If you're not careful,
they make your pubic region

look like a llama
trapped in a shrimping net.

We've just been for a wax.

Ooh, a wax.

We're not big fans of depilation.
You should have seen Yvonne's face

when I explained to her
what a Brazilian was.

I'll never look at Pele
in the same way again.

Chocolate willy kit?

That's right, love,
it's a chocolate paste.

You're supposed to paint it on him
when he's in a state of arousal.

Slightly unfortunate in use, though.

Tends to make your lover's equipment
look like a factory-reject Mars bar.

And that's a charitable description.

Funny they call it a hen night, isn't it,
Yvonne? You know how hens do it?

The rooster chases the female,

grabs hold of her feathers
in his beak, climbs aboard.

Whole thing takes about ten minutes.

Whereas, on average,
married couple, three and a half.

Not a problem with my fella.
He could keep going for England.

Oh, what's that, then?
Scrapes through the early stages,

a sudden sense
of "ooh, we could do this",

before the inevitable disappointment

when he crashes out
before the climax?

What's this?
Never you mind what that is.

It's all right,
I'm quite broad-minded.

Well, all I'll say is, if you were to
rub a bit of this on him downstairs,

he'd go into an absolute frenzy.

Bag it up.

Compliments of the house.

Thanks.

Bye! Bye, then!

That was your Deep Heat, wasn't it?

Yes.

She's in for an interesting night.

Mind you, so am I.

If my sciatica comes on, I'll
have to treat it with Tingle Lube.

Right, you're watching the News Channel,
with the time at 3.46 am.

I'm told our reporter Greg Parish
is now in our studio in Turkistan

with some breaking news.

Greg, I believe we have
a final result in the elections?

About five or six.
Yeah, I'd have thought.

Greg, wake up, you're live on air.

Ah, yes, Tom, yes, I do have
a result here from the election.

The polls have closed

and I can tell you that the official
winner of the elections here is...

Yes, yes, I am aware I am live on air

and I am most certainly
very much awake.

Yeah, I do apologise. We seem to have
a rather long delay on the line.

Simple misunderstanding, Greg, it's a
little thing known as a satellite delay.

OK, I'll just go for it. Yeah, yeah.

After years of oppression here, the
locals have voted with their feet...

Yes, I am aware of the concept of
time delay, strangely enough, Tom.

Perhaps if you hadn't been so busy
in make-up just now,

we could have tested the link.

Greg, simple questions and answers.

Fire away, fire away...

Who won the election?

President Al Tarik.

What was the margin?

57 per cent.

And this must be
a real boost to the economy?

Bit like your bar tab.

Yes, Tom, a massive boost
to the financial sector here...

Well, what's that supposed to mean?

A few drinks in the Hilton in a warzone,
it's hardly party time, Tom!

Look, we've got to stop this, it's
getting a little bit out of hand.

I can't believe this is live,
I can't believe that.

Greg, when you hear this, just nod,
then wait and I'll ask you a question.

Nod if you're a prick.

Hmm, yes.

Oh, you child!

I really have got
a tremendously fat bottom.

When I brush my teeth and
I'm in the nude, my bottom wobbles.

I mean, it really does,
it really wobbles.

Fortunately, Jeremy is not a big fan
of a firm bottom, are you, Jeremy?

Er...no, no.

Planning a trip? An adventure?

It's always an adventure
with my lot.

Right. What kind of trip
are you going on?

Just a camping trip. You know, good
old-fashioned family camping trip.

Right.
Well, these should be fine, then.

Oh, great. Yeah.

Do you mind if I, um...?

No, go for it.

Oh, wow, it's very colourful,
isn't it?

Yeah, they're quite good fun.

What is the problem in here?

Will you two just shut up and go to
sleep? Now, give me the torch.

Give it to me! Ow!
Jennifer, give me the bloody torch!

It's quite nice, isn't it?

Um...I'm wondering
if I should go bigger.

Er, like that one, maybe?

Right.

This is great, isn't it. Very roomy.

Oh, look, they've got a little
cooker thing. That's good, isn't it?

That's not included
in the price of the tent.

Yes, no, no, I can manage. Thank
you, Sandra, I'll do it. Get off!

Get off! Arrgh! Ow!

Holy piss, that burns!
It really burns!

Yes, thank you, Sandra.

Thank you so much. The holiday's
off to a great start, isn't it?

I really like this area.

Yeah, no, it's good. You can
eat here even if it's raining.

Yeah, yes.

'Cause you've got the...
GULPING

What?

Oh, shut up!

HISSES
Yeah, I can see you all, judging me.

No, YOU keep it down, mate.
Oh, yeah? Come on, then!

Yeah? Come on!

No, I like it, yeah. Very good.
So these are the bedrooms back here?

Yeah. Er, yeah,
master bedroom on the left.

Oh, right. This'll be for the kids,
then.

GRUNTS AND GROANS

Oh!

Oh, God! Oh, shit, sorry.

Yeah, well, I haven't had as much
practice as you have recently, have I?

Oh, come on, Sandra,
what do you mean?

You think I don't know about Phillipe,
yeah? I'm not an idiot. I'm not blind!

Oliver, it's nothing,
go back to bed.

You know what? I'm leaving.

It's over, Sandra. This holiday,
this marriage, everything.

I just can't take it any more!

Yes, I know it's raining, Oliver!
Get back into bed!

I've tried so hard!

Why? Why, why?

Yeah, I'll take it.

Do you do sleeping bags?

Janine!

And if the bride
just places her signature there.

That's lovely.
And the groom just there. Thank you.

Right. Well, you are now well and
truly married. Many congratulations.

Right, shall we?

Threesome? Yeah, I'd love to.

Or...just go through to
the next room, yeah, that's...

Hey, hey, hey! Jonathan, I guess?
Excellent stuff.

Welcome aboard, glad to have you
on the team. This way.

We've been looking for someone
like you for some while now.

Thanks for giving me a chance.

Giving you a chance?
Sir, you're a gift from the gods.

Your CV made no sense. No sense at
all, I'm still trying to work it out now.

You've got four different fonts
in the first line,

whole paragraphs of nonsense
cluttering up the pages.

Jonathan, it's this kind
of impenetrable gibberish

that makes you perfect for us.
You are going to fit right in.

Can't wait to get started.

You are going to love it.
First up, what's your full name?

Jonathan Clark.
What? Can't have that.

Margaret, set up a new e-mail account
in the name Pedro Coolihue.

'No problem.'

Where were you before this, Jonathan?

I would check your CV,
but under "previous experience"

it's just got the phrase
"misapplication of Tiny Christs".

Yes, I was at
the Replica Watches Warehouse.

Ah, the watch game, know it well.
Spent a few weeks in watches myself,

in between flogging degrees

and working for some Nigerian king
who never paid me!

Crazy days! Elastico Newheart is
upstairs, he'll show you the ropes.

You'll spend the first few weeks
just firing off e-mails

on behalf of the Upsized Dudes
Community.

Just so you know, your benefits here
include 28 days' holiday

and all the meds you can eat.

Sounds great.

Oh, and Jonathan, we're having
a few drinks round mine this evening.

You're more than welcome to come.

Thanks. Thanks very much.

Nothing to do with me. My wife
just e-mailed the entire department

saying she was home alone,
lonely and ready to party.

PLUMMY ACCENTS
All right, blud? Wh'appen?

Has you done all that work we was
supposed to do for this morning?

No, man, I ain't done none of it.
You done it?

What? Are you calling me a nerd
and a swot and all this?

Of course I ain't done it,
I is nails.

We's going to be in so much trouble
with Sir, isn't it?

Fo sho. He's gonna mash us up
big stylee.

How long did he give us
to do this work?

Two and a half years?

But my nan died, my uncle went to
court, and my other nan died,

I got verruca, had to go clinic,
then I had to go haircut,

then I had to go dentist,
then my granddad died.

Same here.

Sit.

Gentlemen, you've been on attachment
here for two and a half years.

Last time we spoke, you assured me

that you were on the verge of
cracking the enemy's Enigma code.

Now, you know as well as anyone that
if we could decode Nazi messages,

we'll shorten this damn war.

For sho, and then the Germans
will be owned, blud.

You know what I mean? Fail!

War fail!

Epic war fail!

Isn't it?

So there's no time to lose.
Gentlemen, have you cracked it?

Yes. You have?

Yes, we've, like,
totally worked it out.

At first we were like, "What is this
shit? It don't make no sense.

"This is like when you see your mum
without her glasses

"and it don't look like your mum
no more and you're scared."

Yeah, for real.
But then we worked it out.

It was all, like, maths
and long division and times-ing

and carry the four remainder two,
that sort of business.

Astounding news. Right, we
intercepted this message last night.

What does it say? Can you decode it?

Yes. Go on.

OK, it goes, hmm... "Dear Hitler..."

It's a message for the Fuhrer
himself?

Yeah, fo sho.

It says, "Dear Hitler, who is actually
leader of Germany, or whoever,

"I hope you is OK. I is OK. I hope
your mum is OK and your dad and shit."

It does actually say that.

"We is best at war and fighting and we
is going to beat England at doing war,

"because they is all, like, girls
and benders and I'm not even lying."

"Lots of love and hugs, Goebbels,"
who is one of their main other ones.

That's what it says?

Are you calling us liars and fakes and
all this? Cos I ain't no fake, blud.

I tell it like it is with no BS

and what you see is what you get,
so deal with it, girlfriend.

You've really offended his feelings
and all this and everything else.

It was kind of like an assault,
only with words.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

We have a number of other messages
that urgently need decoding,

so if you could get started...

Hold on, hold on,
I hadn't finished reading.

"PS, we heard that there is these two
really clever sexy guys in England

"what have worked out our code."

(That's us.)

"So we will be changing
coding machines immediately

"and the messages
will be even harder to understand.

"Lots of love,
more hugs and shit, etc."

So we can't do
no more decoding, blud. Soz.

Right, well, it looks like you two
should go back to your unit, then.

I believe they're about to
go on a sortie over Berlin.

Is it? Right. Berlin.
Oh, that's great, isn't it?

Isn't it? Brilliant.

Have I mentioned my verruca?

Oh, and it's got that guy in it,
um...

You know the guy who played the
cab driver in that Tom Cruise film?

What the hell was his name?

Oh, I know who you mean.

Um, he was in that Ray...
Foxx! Jamie Foxx. Jamie Foxx, yeah.

Anyway, he plays this vigilante
in this and he's...

Oh, that's the Clarendon Arms!

I used to meet Henry Clarke in there

when we were going out
with each other.

Mum, is it all right if I stay over
at Tom's on Friday?

Yeah, I think so. Gary, is that all
right if Dan stays over at Tom's?

Happy Christmas, love.

Thanks, Mum. Happy Christmas!

And...Happy Christmas, Gary.

Mum, Dad. This is Joshua.

Joshua. He's asleep.

Oh, oh, hello.
You're a grandpa, Gary!

Oh!

Hello!

INAUDIBLE CONVERSATION

He's slipping away now, it won't
be long. I'll leave you in peace.

"Ooh, I used to meet
Henry Clarke in there

"when we were going out
with each other! Oooh!"

It's eight minutes past four.

Let's cross back now to
our intrepid reporter, Greg Parish.

I understand Greg is now fully aware
of the satellite delay.

Greg, what hope can Turkistan's
opposition leader now have

for retaining control of his party?

How small's your penis?

Very little, very little indeed,
unfortunately.

Thank you.

No!

Oh. Ladies, be my guest.
Oh, and they say chivalry's dead.

Well, there are a few of us old
fogeys trying to keep it alive.

Tell you what,
why don't we share it?

Yeah, jump in.
Where do you want to go?

Oh, I'd like to go on top.

Sorry?

Into town would be great.
The Arndale Centre?

No, actually, I think I'll walk.
Yeah. Good.

FRENCH ACCORDION MUSIC

'January the er...vingt et un,
vingt et un...

'Twenty and one.

'It is very hard for me
to write in English,

'because I am speaking
so much the French now.

'I am living in the Paris
since the six months

'and my old life in Reading
is like a long-distance memory.

'I adore the France, her art,
her culture

'and anyway, I was never
really happy at Oddbins.'

< English?

Oui, bien sur.

I'm so sorry, yes. Yes, of course.

My train goes not,

so I must a nearby street reasonable
price young man hostel find.

Can you to me a nearby street reasonable
price young man hostel recommend?

Or is there no nearby street reasonable
price young man hostel available?

Apologies, my English is very bad.

What is this thing that is this thing
that is this thing that you ask?

Slowly, please?
Since two months I am in Germany

and my English
is very, very, very, very tiny.

Sorry, sorry,
I can't even get the gist.

Originally came I from Norwich.
Now am I in Munchen living.

Ah, you wish to make a pee-pee? It's at
the other side of the bar. That is OK.

I will go and see if I can find
someone more good English speaking.

Desolated. No matter.

Until we see each other, thanks.
Of nothing.

Can you lend me 20 euros?

Back to our reporter Greg Parish,
who is gracing our studio in Turkistan.

Greg, do you get a sense of public
relief at the election result?

Do you pay for sex?

Yes, I do, yes, I very much do, yeah.

Oh, you really are a twat!