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1
00:00:01,349 --> 00:00:02,959
- So what's this called?
- Let me guess--
2
00:00:03,046 --> 00:00:04,526
burnt figgy pudding
left in the oven.
3
00:00:04,613 --> 00:00:06,745
- 1970s Christmas-era lights
short-circuited
4
00:00:06,832 --> 00:00:09,226
and burst into flames.
Call 'em Ho-Ho-Homewreckers.
5
00:00:09,313 --> 00:00:11,576
- Guy tries to climb down
the chimney, gets stuck.
6
00:00:11,663 --> 00:00:13,056
- I bet that's the most
common one.
7
00:00:13,143 --> 00:00:15,276
- It's a classic.
[knocking on door]
8
00:00:15,363 --> 00:00:16,973
- Take it out of your mouth!
Take it out!
9
00:00:17,060 --> 00:00:18,757
- Whoa.
- Be cool!
10
00:00:18,844 --> 00:00:20,194
Hey, how's--
11
00:00:20,281 --> 00:00:21,847
Season's greetings.
- How are ya?
12
00:00:21,934 --> 00:00:23,719
Everything okay?
- Did you call the fire d--
13
00:00:23,806 --> 00:00:25,895
- I called, I called, yeah.
- Mrs. Santa called.
14
00:00:25,982 --> 00:00:27,829
- Is there's an emergency?
- There's an emergency.
15
00:00:27,853 --> 00:00:29,396
- What happened?
- Yuletide stuff--you know.
16
00:00:29,420 --> 00:00:30,900
- Yuletide?
- You know, celebrating
17
00:00:30,987 --> 00:00:33,163
the season.
- You want us to come in, sir?
18
00:00:33,250 --> 00:00:34,836
- Please come in.
Welcome to Santa's workshop.
19
00:00:34,860 --> 00:00:36,601
- All righty.
What do we got here?
20
00:00:36,688 --> 00:00:38,188
- Having a little party, huh?
- Welcome to our humble
21
00:00:38,212 --> 00:00:39,865
Christmas cottage--
22
00:00:39,952 --> 00:00:41,626
the land of magic and dreams.
- Got an emergency call.
23
00:00:41,650 --> 00:00:43,826
What's the problem?
- That would be about Norman.
24
00:00:43,913 --> 00:00:45,871
- Is that Norman?
- No, that's J.P.
25
00:00:45,958 --> 00:00:48,918
He's just chillaxin'.
- Then...where's Norman?
26
00:00:49,005 --> 00:00:51,268
- Ho ho!
[singsong] Wasted!
27
00:00:53,401 --> 00:00:54,880
[chortling]
28
00:00:54,967 --> 00:00:57,492
- He had too much fondue.
We think he...
29
00:00:57,579 --> 00:00:59,102
O.D.ed.
30
00:00:59,189 --> 00:01:01,496
- What was in the fondue?
- Oh, Swiss cheese,
31
00:01:01,583 --> 00:01:03,498
white wine, garlic,
32
00:01:03,585 --> 00:01:06,109
uh...25 hits of ecstasy.
33
00:01:06,196 --> 00:01:09,112
- That is a molly jolly
Christmas right there!
34
00:01:09,199 --> 00:01:11,375
Let me catch...Norman.
35
00:01:11,462 --> 00:01:14,161
- Thanks, Granny.
36
00:01:14,248 --> 00:01:16,163
- Hey, man, come here.
Come here!
37
00:01:16,250 --> 00:01:18,382
- What kinda party is this?
38
00:01:18,469 --> 00:01:20,297
- It's a Santa-themed
swinger's party.
39
00:01:20,384 --> 00:01:22,343
- This is a Christmas orgy?
40
00:01:22,430 --> 00:01:24,780
- We drink eggnog and have sex.
41
00:01:24,867 --> 00:01:26,825
- Okay.
- [sniffs, gags]
42
00:01:26,912 --> 00:01:28,566
- Do you like my wreath?
My mom made it.
43
00:01:28,653 --> 00:01:30,351
- You know what?
Norman's fine.
44
00:01:30,438 --> 00:01:32,527
You know, just, uh,
make sure he's not dehydrated
45
00:01:32,614 --> 00:01:34,355
and no more fondue!
46
00:01:34,442 --> 00:01:37,358
- Well, you're all welcome
to stick around for a while.
47
00:01:37,445 --> 00:01:39,664
- Why don't we mingle
our ho-ho-hos
48
00:01:39,751 --> 00:01:41,536
with your hose, hose, hose?
49
00:01:41,623 --> 00:01:44,191
- No, no, no.
Dash away, all!
50
00:01:44,278 --> 00:01:45,757
- Everybody's welcome, you guys.
51
00:01:45,844 --> 00:01:47,387
- I'll stuff your stockings!
[door slams]
52
00:01:47,411 --> 00:01:49,761
- I think you came on
a little too strong.
53
00:01:49,848 --> 00:01:53,069
[rock music]
54
00:01:53,156 --> 00:01:58,248
♪ ♪
55
00:01:58,335 --> 00:01:59,771
- ♪ The fire's out ♪
56
00:01:59,858 --> 00:02:03,123
♪ Now you wanna be ♪
57
00:02:03,210 --> 00:02:05,473
♪ Where the laughs are free ♪
58
00:02:05,560 --> 00:02:08,911
♪ Tacoma FD ♪
59
00:02:10,260 --> 00:02:12,306
[overlapping chatter]
- Hey!
60
00:02:12,393 --> 00:02:13,872
[laughter]
61
00:02:13,959 --> 00:02:15,570
- ♪ Oh, jingle bells,
jingle bells ♪
62
00:02:15,657 --> 00:02:17,267
♪ Jingle all the balls ♪
63
00:02:17,354 --> 00:02:20,183
- Ho ho ho, huh?
Another year and it still fits.
64
00:02:20,270 --> 00:02:22,446
- It's a Christmas miracle!
65
00:02:22,533 --> 00:02:24,413
- Merry Christmas, everybody.
- Merry Christmas!
66
00:02:24,448 --> 00:02:26,363
- Ho ho ho ho!
67
00:02:26,450 --> 00:02:27,712
[record scratches]
68
00:02:28,844 --> 00:02:30,062
- Oh--whoa!
- Hey!
69
00:02:30,150 --> 00:02:31,586
- God's sakes, will you people
70
00:02:31,673 --> 00:02:33,414
give this Christmas
bullshit a rest?
71
00:02:33,501 --> 00:02:35,503
I'm trying to do
your year-end evaluations,
72
00:02:35,590 --> 00:02:37,722
and I can't hear myself think!
73
00:02:37,809 --> 00:02:40,986
- Okay.
- Ho ho ho, boy, huh?
74
00:02:41,073 --> 00:02:43,337
Who pissed in his Cheerios?
75
00:02:43,424 --> 00:02:45,469
[record scratch, music resumes]
- Noice!
76
00:02:45,556 --> 00:02:47,819
- I'm in favor of the music,
guys, just so you know.
77
00:02:47,906 --> 00:02:49,536
- Hey, Chief, you ever consider
giving him this week off?
78
00:02:49,560 --> 00:02:51,823
He's always a wet blanket
on the holidays.
79
00:02:51,910 --> 00:02:53,477
- Yeah.
He's always in a bad mood,
80
00:02:53,564 --> 00:02:55,455
and it's always when he does
our year-end reviews.
81
00:02:55,479 --> 00:02:57,829
Every December, we get
Scrooged on the write-up.
82
00:02:57,916 --> 00:03:00,136
- We gotta do something
about it.
83
00:03:00,223 --> 00:03:02,399
- ♪ Hey, fa-la-la
la-la-la-la ♪
84
00:03:02,486 --> 00:03:04,401
- ♪ Deck the halls
with boughs of holly ♪
85
00:03:04,488 --> 00:03:06,186
♪ Bubba-dubba-doo
buh-doo-boo-boo ♪
86
00:03:06,273 --> 00:03:08,013
♪ Leigh Weigh sings
the Christmas tunes ♪
87
00:03:08,100 --> 00:03:09,798
♪ Zubba-dubba-dah
bah-doo-buh-boo ♪
88
00:03:09,885 --> 00:03:11,713
Eddie!
Hey, Eddie, come here.
89
00:03:11,800 --> 00:03:13,038
[clicks music off]
You get a present yet
90
00:03:13,062 --> 00:03:14,542
for the Yankee Swap?
- Yeah.
91
00:03:14,629 --> 00:03:16,718
I found a half-empty
bottle of dandruff shampoo
92
00:03:16,805 --> 00:03:18,894
in my locker--I'm gonna pop
an ugly green bow on it.
93
00:03:18,981 --> 00:03:20,200
- Okay. Well, you know what?
94
00:03:20,287 --> 00:03:21,612
I'm gonna at lunchtime
and get a gift.
95
00:03:21,636 --> 00:03:23,464
I can get two
and say one's from you.
96
00:03:23,551 --> 00:03:25,137
- Oh, cool--you can wrap mine
and hand it out for me too.
97
00:03:25,161 --> 00:03:27,424
- Ha ha. You don't hand out
a gift at the Yankee Swap.
98
00:03:27,511 --> 00:03:29,600
Each person picks a number,
then they pick a gift.
99
00:03:29,687 --> 00:03:31,689
So let's say I go first
and you go second.
100
00:03:31,776 --> 00:03:33,865
I open my gift,
then you open yours.
101
00:03:33,952 --> 00:03:36,477
You have the option
of deciding to keep your gift
102
00:03:36,564 --> 00:03:38,348
or stealing mine, but look out--
103
00:03:38,435 --> 00:03:39,654
- [snoring]
- Anyone who hasn't
104
00:03:39,741 --> 00:03:40,892
picked behind us can pick a gift
105
00:03:40,916 --> 00:03:42,526
of the person in front of them.
106
00:03:42,613 --> 00:03:44,417
So interestingly, the last pick
is often the best pick,
107
00:03:44,441 --> 00:03:45,881
and the first pick
is the worst pick.
108
00:03:45,921 --> 00:03:48,010
Are you listening to me?
- [snoring]
109
00:03:48,097 --> 00:03:49,881
- You're especially
humbuggy this year.
110
00:03:49,968 --> 00:03:52,754
What's wrong?
- Look at these Christmas cards
111
00:03:52,841 --> 00:03:54,625
from my ex-girlfriends.
112
00:03:54,712 --> 00:03:56,299
Look how happy they are
with their happy husbands
113
00:03:56,323 --> 00:03:57,976
and their happy kids.
- Oh, yeah, Carla,
114
00:03:58,063 --> 00:04:00,414
the comptroller's office--
I like her.
115
00:04:00,501 --> 00:04:02,021
Oh...Jasmine.
She was too good for you.
116
00:04:02,067 --> 00:04:03,306
I don't know why
you're getting so worked up.
117
00:04:03,330 --> 00:04:05,027
Half these kids
aren't even yours.
118
00:04:05,114 --> 00:04:06,376
[both chuckling]
119
00:04:06,463 --> 00:04:08,160
- That's very funny, Terry.
120
00:04:08,248 --> 00:04:10,269
The fact is, all these
women asked me to marry them,
121
00:04:10,293 --> 00:04:11,860
but I turned them all down.
122
00:04:11,947 --> 00:04:13,601
- Yeah, sure you did.
- I did.
123
00:04:13,688 --> 00:04:15,187
And every year on Christmas,
they send me these cards
124
00:04:15,211 --> 00:04:16,493
to remind me
of what I don't have.
125
00:04:16,517 --> 00:04:17,822
- You know what?
126
00:04:17,909 --> 00:04:19,650
You have a bad case
of the holiday blues.
127
00:04:19,737 --> 00:04:22,218
- Maybe I do have
the holiday blues, Terry.
128
00:04:22,305 --> 00:04:25,743
Or maybe it's that the more
obnoxiously jolly you become,
129
00:04:25,830 --> 00:04:27,789
the more obnoxiously crusty
I have to be
130
00:04:27,876 --> 00:04:29,747
to create balance
in the universe.
131
00:04:29,834 --> 00:04:31,749
- Like Batman and the Joker.
- Exactly.
132
00:04:31,836 --> 00:04:33,596
Wait--which one am I?
- The Joker, of course.
133
00:04:33,664 --> 00:04:34,772
- But he's the jolly one.
- No, he's the bad guy--
134
00:04:34,796 --> 00:04:36,319
like you.
- You think Batman
135
00:04:36,406 --> 00:04:37,973
is jollier than the Joker?
136
00:04:38,060 --> 00:04:39,646
When's the last time
you saw Batman smile?
137
00:04:39,670 --> 00:04:41,605
- I don't hang out with Batman,
so I can't tell you.
138
00:04:41,629 --> 00:04:43,674
- Maybe it was at The Super
Friends Yankee Swap
139
00:04:43,761 --> 00:04:45,633
[funny voice] because
he had the last pick!
140
00:04:45,720 --> 00:04:48,418
- [laughs] Okay, great.
Go do your evaluations,
141
00:04:48,505 --> 00:04:50,942
and go easy on my crew.
- They're my crew too.
142
00:04:51,029 --> 00:04:53,118
- Merry Christmas, Eddie!
- Eh!
143
00:04:53,205 --> 00:04:54,946
[click]
[music resumes]
144
00:04:55,033 --> 00:04:57,819
[singing with Leigh]
♪ O, holy night ♪
145
00:04:57,906 --> 00:05:01,344
♪ Leigh Weigh
has a great voice ♪
146
00:05:01,431 --> 00:05:03,085
Oh!
- Look at all this stuff.
147
00:05:03,172 --> 00:05:04,652
The kids're gonna go nuts!
148
00:05:04,739 --> 00:05:06,282
- And we might just beat
our Toy Drive record.
149
00:05:06,306 --> 00:05:07,872
- Whoa!
Let me see that.
150
00:05:07,959 --> 00:05:09,526
- Oh, I forgot.
Andy likes dolls.
151
00:05:09,613 --> 00:05:11,615
- No!
I mean, yes, but...
152
00:05:11,702 --> 00:05:12,940
look at this one.
- "Public defender Darla."
153
00:05:12,964 --> 00:05:14,749
So what?
- Look closer.
154
00:05:14,836 --> 00:05:16,794
It's supposed to say
Public Defender Darla,
155
00:05:16,881 --> 00:05:19,057
but thanks to a disgruntled
print shop employee,
156
00:05:19,144 --> 00:05:20,755
a handful of these babies
made it out
157
00:05:20,842 --> 00:05:22,191
with the box misspelled.
158
00:05:22,278 --> 00:05:25,150
- Oh, pubic defender Darla!
159
00:05:25,237 --> 00:05:26,848
Ha ha ha!
That's awesome!
160
00:05:26,935 --> 00:05:29,024
- It also makes her tag line
especially naughty.
161
00:05:29,111 --> 00:05:31,374
- Oh, dude--
"She'll get you off!"
162
00:05:31,461 --> 00:05:32,984
- Whoever dropped that off
had no idea
163
00:05:33,071 --> 00:05:34,911
how valuable it was.
- Why, how valuable is it?
164
00:05:34,943 --> 00:05:36,336
- We're talking
165
00:05:36,423 --> 00:05:38,816
this valuable, baby.
- $15,000?
166
00:05:38,903 --> 00:05:40,340
- Wait--what?
- 15 grand?
167
00:05:40,427 --> 00:05:41,993
We're selling it, right?
- No, you guys.
168
00:05:42,080 --> 00:05:43,952
It's not ours to sell.
Someone gave this
169
00:05:44,039 --> 00:05:45,519
as a donation for a child.
170
00:05:45,606 --> 00:05:47,303
- Are you kidding me?
We're gonna give it
171
00:05:47,390 --> 00:05:49,914
to some drooling kid so he can
give it a dumb haircut?
172
00:05:50,001 --> 00:05:51,936
- Hey, we can just take that
money and replace that one.
173
00:05:51,960 --> 00:05:53,570
- Ooh!
- That is not happening.
174
00:05:53,657 --> 00:05:55,577
- How 'bout this--
we put it with the other toys.
175
00:05:55,616 --> 00:05:57,400
If no kid picks it up,
then we sell it,
176
00:05:57,487 --> 00:06:00,447
and the proceeds go towards
upgrading the station.
177
00:06:00,534 --> 00:06:02,057
Like with a Christmas party.
178
00:06:02,144 --> 00:06:04,320
- Hey, sounds good!
- I don't know, guys.
179
00:06:04,407 --> 00:06:06,298
- I'll take that, Luce.
- Give me the doll, Andy!
180
00:06:06,322 --> 00:06:07,430
- We'll sell it!
- It's worth 15 grand!
181
00:06:07,454 --> 00:06:08,933
- Give it back!
182
00:06:09,020 --> 00:06:10,544
- It's for the--
- Give me the doll!
183
00:06:10,631 --> 00:06:12,981
- Just look at yourselves.
184
00:06:13,068 --> 00:06:15,462
You are everything
that's wrong with Christmas.
185
00:06:15,549 --> 00:06:17,420
Fighting over a doll.
186
00:06:17,507 --> 00:06:19,248
Who's not even that hot.
187
00:06:19,335 --> 00:06:21,990
I'll remember this when
I fill out your evaluations.
188
00:06:22,077 --> 00:06:23,818
Hope you all enjoy
getting lumps of coal
189
00:06:23,905 --> 00:06:26,560
in your stockings.
190
00:06:26,647 --> 00:06:28,605
- Whew! Tell you what,
191
00:06:28,692 --> 00:06:31,086
if we don't inject
some comfort and joy into Cap,
192
00:06:31,173 --> 00:06:33,262
we're all gonna take it
up the chimney this year.
193
00:06:33,349 --> 00:06:34,655
- We need a Christmas miracle.
194
00:06:34,742 --> 00:06:36,526
- You said it.
195
00:06:36,613 --> 00:06:38,006
[melancholy music]
196
00:06:38,093 --> 00:06:39,790
- Things were lookin'
mighty grim
197
00:06:39,877 --> 00:06:41,618
for our firefighters.
198
00:06:41,705 --> 00:06:43,185
They needed to lift
199
00:06:43,272 --> 00:06:46,536
Captain Penisi's
holiday spirits--and fast.
200
00:06:46,623 --> 00:06:49,191
And what about
that valuable doll?
201
00:06:49,278 --> 00:06:52,760
I mean, shit, talk about
an ethnical conundrum.
202
00:06:52,847 --> 00:06:57,068
Ha. I don't envy Andy,
Lucy, Ike, or Granny.
203
00:06:57,155 --> 00:06:59,810
I wonder how it'll all work out.
204
00:07:01,421 --> 00:07:03,597
[suspenseful music]
205
00:07:03,684 --> 00:07:07,818
- You know, guys,
$15,000 split three ways
206
00:07:07,905 --> 00:07:09,733
is a lotta money!
207
00:07:09,820 --> 00:07:12,606
- [whispers]
It's like 4 grand a guy.
208
00:07:12,693 --> 00:07:14,259
- No, it's exactly $5,000.
209
00:07:14,346 --> 00:07:16,174
- Whatever.
- Can you not do math?
210
00:07:16,261 --> 00:07:17,785
- Yes, I can do math.
211
00:07:17,872 --> 00:07:19,415
I just can't do math
and wink at the same time.
212
00:07:19,439 --> 00:07:21,136
- What are you winkin' for?
- Just sayin'--
213
00:07:21,223 --> 00:07:22,809
it's a lotta money, boys,
it's almost like
214
00:07:22,833 --> 00:07:24,313
between 4 and 5 grand apiece.
215
00:07:24,400 --> 00:07:27,229
- It's not between that.
- It's $5,000 exactly.
216
00:07:27,316 --> 00:07:28,970
- Spilt three ways, evenly.
217
00:07:29,057 --> 00:07:31,538
We'll figure out
the exact numbers later.
218
00:07:31,625 --> 00:07:33,148
- Guys.
both: hey!
219
00:07:33,235 --> 00:07:34,541
- What are we gonna do
about Cap?
220
00:07:34,628 --> 00:07:36,083
How do you inject
the Christmas spirit
221
00:07:36,107 --> 00:07:37,979
into someone
who hates Christmas?
222
00:07:38,066 --> 00:07:40,634
- We need to remind him what
Christmas is really all about.
223
00:07:40,721 --> 00:07:42,321
- Hey, how we lookin'?
Are we gonna break
224
00:07:42,374 --> 00:07:44,091
the Toy Drive record this year?
- I bet we get
225
00:07:44,115 --> 00:07:45,397
300 families this year.
- That's why we do it.
226
00:07:45,421 --> 00:07:46,746
Spreading the Christmas
spirit, right?
227
00:07:46,770 --> 00:07:48,206
all: Yeah!
- Speaking of which,
228
00:07:48,293 --> 00:07:49,643
we got a family
coming over here.
229
00:07:49,730 --> 00:07:51,098
Their Christmas tree
caught on fire.
230
00:07:51,122 --> 00:07:52,820
Burnt down half their house.
- Oh...
231
00:07:52,907 --> 00:07:54,604
- Burnt up all the presents
for their kid.
232
00:07:54,691 --> 00:07:56,582
So we're gonna let the little
fellow come over here
233
00:07:56,606 --> 00:07:57,912
and pick out some toys.
234
00:07:57,999 --> 00:07:59,696
It's gonna be
a beautiful moment.
235
00:07:59,783 --> 00:08:01,263
- That sounds really
Christmassy.
236
00:08:01,350 --> 00:08:02,762
- Are you guys thinking
what I'm thinking?
237
00:08:02,786 --> 00:08:04,614
- I think...so?
238
00:08:04,701 --> 00:08:07,225
- Oh, shh, here he is.
- Okay. What do you want?
239
00:08:07,312 --> 00:08:08,575
- We know you're busy,
240
00:08:08,662 --> 00:08:10,315
but we wanted you to witness
241
00:08:10,402 --> 00:08:13,405
this beautiful display
of Yuletide generosity.
242
00:08:13,493 --> 00:08:15,407
- And goodwill
to the less fortunate.
243
00:08:15,495 --> 00:08:17,148
- And tidings of great joy.
244
00:08:17,235 --> 00:08:19,107
- And tidings...
245
00:08:21,892 --> 00:08:23,894
Shepherds flocked to--
246
00:08:23,981 --> 00:08:25,417
- Okay.
247
00:08:25,505 --> 00:08:27,028
- Here we go, guys.
- Ooh!
248
00:08:27,115 --> 00:08:29,465
- Oh, for the less fortunate,
you said.
249
00:08:29,552 --> 00:08:31,206
- Maybe it's a rental.
250
00:08:31,293 --> 00:08:33,251
- Oh, boy.
The kid from the well.
251
00:08:33,338 --> 00:08:35,384
It's Hunter.
- What's up, losers?
252
00:08:35,471 --> 00:08:38,039
No such things as Santa, tubby.
253
00:08:38,126 --> 00:08:39,867
- [chuckling]
254
00:08:39,954 --> 00:08:41,956
Sorry about the fire.
- Oh, thank you.
255
00:08:42,043 --> 00:08:43,914
You know, it's been
so hard on Hunter
256
00:08:44,001 --> 00:08:46,221
commuting to the lake house
these last few days.
257
00:08:46,308 --> 00:08:47,614
- [murmurs] Lake house.
258
00:08:47,701 --> 00:08:49,021
Do they know
how the fire started?
259
00:08:49,093 --> 00:08:50,573
- Oh, it was Hunter.
260
00:08:50,660 --> 00:08:53,010
Yeah, he put an M-80
in a decorative angel.
261
00:08:53,097 --> 00:08:54,969
- Whew! Kids!
[both laughing]
262
00:08:55,056 --> 00:08:56,274
- It's gonna get hard.
- Yeah.
263
00:08:56,361 --> 00:08:57,275
- 'Sup, troll doll?
264
00:08:57,362 --> 00:08:58,668
You wanna fight?
265
00:08:58,755 --> 00:09:00,278
- I...don't wanna
fight a child.
266
00:09:00,365 --> 00:09:01,821
- These toys suck.
- Well, I didn't make 'em.
267
00:09:01,845 --> 00:09:03,325
- I guess I could wrap
this in tinfoil
268
00:09:03,412 --> 00:09:04,955
and throw it in the microwave.
- No, no, no, no.
269
00:09:04,979 --> 00:09:06,458
- Look how stupid it is.
270
00:09:06,546 --> 00:09:08,186
It's worthless
on the collectible circuit.
271
00:09:08,243 --> 00:09:09,655
- Don't crush the box!
Please don't crush the box!
272
00:09:09,679 --> 00:09:11,399
- Hey, this baby cries,
so you could take it
273
00:09:11,463 --> 00:09:14,162
and you could set it on fire or
throw it off a roof or eat it.
274
00:09:14,249 --> 00:09:15,293
- Whatevs.
275
00:09:15,380 --> 00:09:16,556
I'm out.
Peace!
276
00:09:16,643 --> 00:09:18,862
Come on, Mom!
I'm hungry!
277
00:09:18,949 --> 00:09:20,037
Now!
278
00:09:20,124 --> 00:09:21,343
- Okay, honey!
279
00:09:21,430 --> 00:09:22,823
Thank you for your generosity!
280
00:09:22,910 --> 00:09:24,172
- Hey.
- You're welcome, ma'am.
281
00:09:24,259 --> 00:09:26,130
- Wow, you guys,
that was beautiful.
282
00:09:26,217 --> 00:09:28,611
Warms the cockles of my heart.
283
00:09:28,698 --> 00:09:30,178
Don't bother me again.
284
00:09:30,265 --> 00:09:33,094
[rock music with jingle bells]
285
00:09:33,181 --> 00:09:36,314
♪ ♪
286
00:09:36,401 --> 00:09:38,142
- Knock, knock.
Hey, I need your finger.
287
00:09:38,229 --> 00:09:39,642
- Why, you gonna try
and make me fart?
288
00:09:39,666 --> 00:09:41,078
- Ha ha, good one.
Come on, let's go.
289
00:09:41,102 --> 00:09:43,017
- Oh, I see.
I have to stop what I'm doing
290
00:09:43,104 --> 00:09:45,454
to help you wrap a gag gift
for your dumb Yankee Swap?
291
00:09:45,541 --> 00:09:47,214
- It's not a gag gift.
It's an awesome gift.
292
00:09:47,238 --> 00:09:48,781
And don't ask me
to tell you what it is,
293
00:09:48,805 --> 00:09:50,502
'cause I'm not gonna do it.
294
00:09:50,590 --> 00:09:52,026
It's a bidet.
295
00:09:52,113 --> 00:09:53,810
- It shoots water up your butt?
- Yeah.
296
00:09:53,897 --> 00:09:55,507
It's a Sunny Tunnel Bidet.
297
00:09:55,595 --> 00:09:57,814
Vicky got me one last month--
changed my life.
298
00:09:57,901 --> 00:09:59,773
There is nothing more soothing
299
00:09:59,860 --> 00:10:01,644
that shooting warm water
up your hoo-hoo.
300
00:10:01,731 --> 00:10:03,733
And my toilet paper bills?
Never been lower.
301
00:10:03,820 --> 00:10:05,169
This baby pays for itself.
302
00:10:05,256 --> 00:10:06,843
- What are you,
in the pocket of Big Bidet?
303
00:10:06,867 --> 00:10:08,695
- I started out at 85 degrees
304
00:10:08,782 --> 00:10:10,914
and then I lowered it
to a nice 82 degrees.
305
00:10:11,001 --> 00:10:12,568
Mmm. That's the sweet spot.
306
00:10:12,655 --> 00:10:14,831
- That's absurd--the human
rectum cannot differentiate
307
00:10:14,918 --> 00:10:16,920
between 85 and 82 degrees.
308
00:10:17,007 --> 00:10:18,202
- My rectum
can tell the different.
309
00:10:18,226 --> 00:10:19,444
- No, it can't!
310
00:10:19,531 --> 00:10:21,055
Assholes don't have feelings.
311
00:10:21,142 --> 00:10:22,404
Get out of my office.
312
00:10:22,491 --> 00:10:25,494
- Merry Christmas,
Edward Penisi.
313
00:10:25,581 --> 00:10:27,975
- There's glitter everywhere
from your Goddamn ribbon!
314
00:10:29,324 --> 00:10:32,066
- We have to find a way
to help Cap.
315
00:10:32,153 --> 00:10:33,458
- Hey, how 'bout this?
316
00:10:33,545 --> 00:10:35,199
20 years ago at Christmas,
317
00:10:35,286 --> 00:10:37,549
Cap delivered a baby when
a woman was stuck in traffic.
318
00:10:37,637 --> 00:10:40,465
What if we found that kid,
brought him to the station,
319
00:10:40,552 --> 00:10:43,686
then we have a heartwarming
Christmas reunion.
320
00:10:43,773 --> 00:10:45,209
- That's a really good idea.
321
00:10:45,296 --> 00:10:46,907
- I bet you anything
322
00:10:46,994 --> 00:10:48,754
Granny's trying to cut Lucy in
on a two-way deal
323
00:10:48,778 --> 00:10:50,713
to get that Darla doll.
- You're being paranoid, man.
324
00:10:50,737 --> 00:10:52,652
That's not what they're...
- Wait a sec.
325
00:10:52,739 --> 00:10:54,697
Are you teaming up with them?
326
00:10:54,784 --> 00:10:56,699
Are you trying to
cut me outta the score?
327
00:10:56,786 --> 00:10:58,546
- You need to calm down.
- No, you need to calm down.
328
00:10:58,570 --> 00:10:59,939
- You're jumpier than a
Pepper Jack's whore right now.
329
00:10:59,963 --> 00:11:01,332
You need to reel it in!
- Hey, guys.
330
00:11:01,356 --> 00:11:02,594
Granny has a great idea.
- Does it involve
331
00:11:02,618 --> 00:11:04,141
waiting until I fall asleep
332
00:11:04,228 --> 00:11:05,665
and then smothering me
with a pillow
333
00:11:05,752 --> 00:11:07,512
to take that Darla doll?
- Damn it, Andy, no!
334
00:11:07,579 --> 00:11:09,581
- Granny thinks that if
we can find the baby
335
00:11:09,669 --> 00:11:11,061
that Cap delivered 20 years ago,
336
00:11:11,148 --> 00:11:12,802
it might just warm
his icy little heart.
337
00:11:12,889 --> 00:11:14,804
- That's a great idea!
- It was a good idea.
338
00:11:14,891 --> 00:11:16,371
Turns out the kid got nailed
339
00:11:16,458 --> 00:11:18,112
on various narcotic charges
340
00:11:18,199 --> 00:11:20,592
and then fled to Sweden
to join a doomsday cult.
341
00:11:20,680 --> 00:11:23,683
- Look at that--in Sweden they
call it a "duumsdoy kolt."
342
00:11:23,770 --> 00:11:25,225
- Cap wouldn't know
what the kid looked like
343
00:11:25,249 --> 00:11:27,077
20 years from now--
we could just get any dude
344
00:11:27,164 --> 00:11:28,794
to come in here
and pretend to be that baby.
345
00:11:28,818 --> 00:11:31,125
- Lucy McConky.
That's a good idea.
346
00:11:31,212 --> 00:11:33,431
- Lucy McConky's biggest fault
347
00:11:33,518 --> 00:11:36,478
is her refusal
to show proper respect
348
00:11:36,565 --> 00:11:38,306
when addressing her captain.
349
00:11:38,393 --> 00:11:41,004
- Uncle Eddie!
Get your ass down here.
350
00:11:41,091 --> 00:11:42,745
It's a Christmas miracle!
351
00:11:42,832 --> 00:11:45,966
["We Wish You a Merry
Christmas" plays]
352
00:11:46,053 --> 00:11:50,579
♪ ♪
353
00:11:50,666 --> 00:11:52,842
- Here he is.
- Who? Who he?
354
00:11:52,929 --> 00:11:55,062
- Him! He who you delivered
as a baby
355
00:11:55,149 --> 00:11:56,869
when his mom was stuck
in traffic, remember?
356
00:11:56,933 --> 00:11:58,848
- Captain Penisi,
great to see you again.
357
00:11:58,935 --> 00:12:00,328
Mark Budmartin.
358
00:12:00,415 --> 00:12:03,461
- You're the...
little Budmartin baby?
359
00:12:03,548 --> 00:12:05,812
[laughs]
360
00:12:09,554 --> 00:12:11,121
Well, look at you.
You're all grown up!
361
00:12:11,208 --> 00:12:12,470
[laughing]
My God!
362
00:12:12,557 --> 00:12:13,863
What are you doin' here?
- Well,
363
00:12:13,950 --> 00:12:15,996
sometimes I...
get into a real bad funk
364
00:12:16,083 --> 00:12:18,520
during the holidays.
- I do too.
365
00:12:18,607 --> 00:12:20,217
- This morning, I found myself
366
00:12:20,304 --> 00:12:21,891
standing on the edge
of the Tacoma Narrows Bridge
367
00:12:21,915 --> 00:12:24,482
looking down,
thinking about cashing in.
368
00:12:24,569 --> 00:12:25,962
- Oh...
- But then I thought,
369
00:12:26,049 --> 00:12:27,964
"Firefighter Penisi
risked his life
370
00:12:28,051 --> 00:12:30,924
"in the middle of traffic
to bring me into this world.
371
00:12:31,011 --> 00:12:32,316
I can't let him down!"
372
00:12:32,403 --> 00:12:33,665
So I got off that bridge,
373
00:12:33,753 --> 00:12:35,319
and the first thing I did
374
00:12:35,406 --> 00:12:37,147
was buy a scratch-off lottery
ticket,
375
00:12:37,234 --> 00:12:38,496
and guess what.
- What?
376
00:12:38,583 --> 00:12:40,455
- I won $100,000,
377
00:12:40,542 --> 00:12:42,762
which I'm going to use
to go to astronaut school
378
00:12:42,849 --> 00:12:44,415
and be the first man on Mars!
379
00:12:44,502 --> 00:12:46,200
- Oh!
- [whispers] I wrote that part.
380
00:12:46,287 --> 00:12:47,549
- [whispers] Yeah, no shit.
381
00:12:47,636 --> 00:12:49,507
- Seeing you here today
382
00:12:49,594 --> 00:12:51,858
makes me truly believe
383
00:12:51,945 --> 00:12:54,774
that you made a huge mistake.
384
00:12:55,905 --> 00:12:58,212
- A...
what's that now?
385
00:12:58,299 --> 00:13:01,302
- Yeah. You really
should have jumped.
386
00:13:01,389 --> 00:13:03,086
- Wha...
387
00:13:03,173 --> 00:13:05,828
- Get lost...loser.
388
00:13:08,483 --> 00:13:10,311
- Son of a bitch, Cap.
389
00:13:10,398 --> 00:13:12,443
- How could you do that?
- That was the boy
390
00:13:12,530 --> 00:13:14,881
you brought into this world,
as far as you know!
391
00:13:14,968 --> 00:13:16,839
- Do you really think
I wouldn't know
392
00:13:16,926 --> 00:13:18,710
that the baby I delivered
fled to Sweden
393
00:13:18,798 --> 00:13:20,843
and joined a "duumsdoy kolt"?
394
00:13:20,930 --> 00:13:22,627
- Oops.
- I was gonna let you off easy
395
00:13:22,714 --> 00:13:24,368
on those evaluations.
396
00:13:24,455 --> 00:13:26,255
But after that, I'm cranking
it up full blast.
397
00:13:26,327 --> 00:13:28,720
- No!
- Cap...
398
00:13:28,808 --> 00:13:31,419
Astronaut school, dude?
399
00:13:31,506 --> 00:13:33,813
[melancholy music]
400
00:13:33,900 --> 00:13:35,858
- Who knew that he would
keep such close tabs
401
00:13:35,945 --> 00:13:37,555
on the baby he delivered?
402
00:13:37,642 --> 00:13:38,992
- Huh.
Hey, guys.
403
00:13:39,079 --> 00:13:41,168
where's the Darla doll?
404
00:13:41,255 --> 00:13:42,734
- What do you mean?
- What?
405
00:13:42,822 --> 00:13:45,172
- We put it right here,
and now it's gone.
406
00:13:45,259 --> 00:13:47,391
So which one of you took it?
- Don't look at me.
407
00:13:47,478 --> 00:13:49,132
I'm the one that wanted
to give it away.
408
00:13:49,219 --> 00:13:51,656
- So that means
one of you took the doll.
409
00:13:51,743 --> 00:13:55,225
- That's exactly what the real
doll thief would say, Granny.
410
00:13:55,312 --> 00:13:58,881
- Which is precisely what the
actual doll thief would say,
411
00:13:58,968 --> 00:14:00,535
Andy!
- What?
412
00:14:00,622 --> 00:14:03,190
- Which is undoubtedly
what the true doll thief
413
00:14:03,277 --> 00:14:04,582
would say, Ike.
- Me?!
414
00:14:04,669 --> 00:14:05,975
- Yeah, you.
- Obviously!
415
00:14:06,062 --> 00:14:07,672
- No, it ain't!
- You guys!
416
00:14:07,759 --> 00:14:09,674
what happened
to the Christmas spirit?
417
00:14:11,720 --> 00:14:14,462
- The deal was we were gonna
split that doll three ways!
418
00:14:14,549 --> 00:14:16,029
That's over 4 grand each!
419
00:14:16,116 --> 00:14:18,248
- 5 grand.
- I want that doll on the table
420
00:14:18,335 --> 00:14:20,772
in three minutes.
- I want it in 30 seconds.
421
00:14:20,860 --> 00:14:23,558
- Damn it, I didn't take it!
- I didn't take it either!
422
00:14:23,645 --> 00:14:25,038
- Liar!
423
00:14:25,125 --> 00:14:27,475
["Sugar Plum Fairy"-like tune]
424
00:14:27,562 --> 00:14:29,956
- Well, if that ain't
a heapin' pile of humbug stew,
425
00:14:30,043 --> 00:14:31,696
I don't know what is.
426
00:14:31,783 --> 00:14:33,437
What are the odds that the Eddie
427
00:14:33,524 --> 00:14:35,657
and the Darla doll situations
428
00:14:35,744 --> 00:14:39,661
would hit their lowest points
at the exact same time?
429
00:14:39,748 --> 00:14:41,881
Ah, what a world.
430
00:14:41,968 --> 00:14:44,144
I sure hope they can
still fix this.
431
00:14:45,885 --> 00:14:49,018
[low-key Christmas music]
432
00:14:49,105 --> 00:14:51,020
- Hey, guys.
Time for the Yankee Swap.
433
00:14:51,107 --> 00:14:53,327
- But what about Uncle Eddie?
- Look, I have been trying
434
00:14:53,414 --> 00:14:55,044
to shove Christmas cheer
down that guy's throat
435
00:14:55,068 --> 00:14:57,157
for 25 years--
he's too far gone.
436
00:14:59,159 --> 00:15:00,900
Come on, it's Christmas Eve!
437
00:15:00,987 --> 00:15:03,076
How 'bout I read "'Twas the
Night Before Christmas"?
438
00:15:03,163 --> 00:15:05,097
You love when I do that.
- It just doesn't feel right
439
00:15:05,121 --> 00:15:06,577
without Uncle Eddie here.
- You're right.
440
00:15:06,601 --> 00:15:08,777
But what else can we do?
441
00:15:08,864 --> 00:15:10,779
[heavy music]
442
00:15:10,866 --> 00:15:12,912
[electric thrumming]
443
00:15:12,999 --> 00:15:19,919
♪ ♪
444
00:15:20,006 --> 00:15:21,355
[click]
445
00:15:24,532 --> 00:15:28,492
[heavy music continues]
446
00:15:28,579 --> 00:15:35,499
♪ ♪
447
00:15:39,764 --> 00:15:41,897
- [whispers] Yeah.
448
00:15:41,984 --> 00:15:43,768
Ohh.
449
00:15:45,553 --> 00:15:49,470
[voices humming
"Hark! the Harald Angels Sing"]
450
00:15:49,557 --> 00:15:53,778
- ♪ Ooh ooh ooh
ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪
451
00:15:53,865 --> 00:15:58,392
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
ooh ooh ooh ♪
452
00:15:58,479 --> 00:16:02,918
♪ Ooh ooh ooh
ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪
453
00:16:03,005 --> 00:16:06,835
♪ Hark the harald angels
sing ♪
454
00:16:06,922 --> 00:16:10,621
♪ Glory to the newborn king ♪
455
00:16:10,708 --> 00:16:14,538
♪ Peace on Earth
and mercy mild ♪
456
00:16:14,625 --> 00:16:18,499
♪ God and sinners reconciled ♪
457
00:16:18,586 --> 00:16:20,240
♪ Joy ♪--
- Shut up, you dorks!
458
00:16:20,327 --> 00:16:22,372
- Cap, we know you hate
Christmas,
459
00:16:22,459 --> 00:16:24,219
but we want you to join us
for the Gift Swap.
460
00:16:24,287 --> 00:16:26,289
- You think that'll get you
a good evaluation?
461
00:16:26,376 --> 00:16:28,161
Bah!
- Eddie, the Yankee Swap
462
00:16:28,248 --> 00:16:30,008
is a station event,
and you're gonna join us.
463
00:16:30,076 --> 00:16:31,207
And that's an order!
464
00:16:31,294 --> 00:16:33,122
- [sighs]
465
00:16:33,209 --> 00:16:35,081
- Let the swap begin!
466
00:16:35,168 --> 00:16:36,473
- I got number one.
- Ah!
467
00:16:36,560 --> 00:16:38,084
- Oh!
- Yeah!
468
00:16:38,171 --> 00:16:39,670
- You know what,
sometimes that's good.
469
00:16:39,694 --> 00:16:41,174
- He briefed me.
First is worst.
470
00:16:41,261 --> 00:16:42,436
- Ah...
- Not all the time.
471
00:16:42,523 --> 00:16:45,178
- Uh...whoa.
472
00:16:45,265 --> 00:16:48,529
Two tickets to Seattle/
Arizona, 50-yard line.
473
00:16:48,616 --> 00:16:49,965
- Whoa!
- Wow.
474
00:16:50,052 --> 00:16:51,880
- Whose gift is this?
Who did this?
475
00:16:51,967 --> 00:16:53,466
- I danced this corporate gig
and I hit it off
476
00:16:53,490 --> 00:16:55,164
with the owner's wife, so...
- I can't wait
477
00:16:55,188 --> 00:16:56,687
for one of you guys to snag
these away from me.
478
00:16:56,711 --> 00:16:58,271
- Hey, you never know,
though--I'm next!
479
00:16:58,321 --> 00:17:01,150
Yoink!
Cool!
480
00:17:01,237 --> 00:17:02,586
Chubby's Exotic Dance Emporium--
481
00:17:02,673 --> 00:17:04,371
one VIP lap dance.
482
00:17:04,458 --> 00:17:06,479
Not sure I need this, but--
No, no, it's good for research.
483
00:17:06,503 --> 00:17:09,028
- I know how this works, Ike.
484
00:17:09,115 --> 00:17:10,681
- No, I'm keepin' it.
485
00:17:10,768 --> 00:17:12,379
- Okay.
- Oh, look, I'm next.
486
00:17:12,466 --> 00:17:13,945
This one looks fun.
487
00:17:14,033 --> 00:17:17,949
"One free depilation
at Alohair Beauty Salon."
488
00:17:18,037 --> 00:17:19,884
- Get it over with, then.
That's your family business.
489
00:17:19,908 --> 00:17:21,028
- What're you talking about?
490
00:17:21,083 --> 00:17:22,606
Merry Christmas.
Who's next?
491
00:17:22,693 --> 00:17:25,044
- Let me show you dum-dums
how to pick a real gift.
492
00:17:25,131 --> 00:17:27,089
- That's a good one.
- A Nightmare Manor
493
00:17:27,176 --> 00:17:28,438
Annual Pass.
494
00:17:28,525 --> 00:17:30,310
[laughter]
I was banned from
495
00:17:30,397 --> 00:17:34,096
the premises for two years,
but it's still a good gift.
496
00:17:34,183 --> 00:17:35,619
- Okay, okay.
- I'm gonna go with
497
00:17:35,706 --> 00:17:38,361
this red box.
Sweet--moustache wax.
498
00:17:38,448 --> 00:17:40,122
This'll be great for when
I have a boyfriend
499
00:17:40,146 --> 00:17:42,713
with a moustache.
- Okay, thank you, guys.
500
00:17:42,800 --> 00:17:44,411
I know what you're doin' here.
501
00:17:44,498 --> 00:17:45,890
Thank you.
- Yay!
502
00:17:45,977 --> 00:17:47,501
- Hold on.
503
00:17:47,588 --> 00:17:49,807
Santa has not yet had his turn.
504
00:17:49,894 --> 00:17:51,374
If I were to survey
the other gifts
505
00:17:51,461 --> 00:17:54,029
that were available to me,
506
00:17:54,116 --> 00:17:56,684
I'm...going to take...
507
00:17:56,771 --> 00:17:58,077
this one.
508
00:17:58,164 --> 00:18:00,079
[chortling]
- You kidding me?
509
00:18:00,166 --> 00:18:02,603
- 50-hard line!
Hee hee hee hee!
510
00:18:02,690 --> 00:18:03,908
- Chief.
- Dad.
511
00:18:03,995 --> 00:18:06,041
- Well, Merry Christmas, buddy.
512
00:18:06,128 --> 00:18:08,217
- Okay, well...
- Wait, wait, Cap.
513
00:18:08,304 --> 00:18:10,264
Shouldn't you open your gift?
- I know what it is.
514
00:18:10,350 --> 00:18:12,265
It's a bidet--because
Christmas is all about
515
00:18:12,352 --> 00:18:14,310
taking it in the pooper.
516
00:18:14,397 --> 00:18:17,139
Some Santa you are.
517
00:18:17,226 --> 00:18:19,533
- Cap, I'm sorry.
518
00:18:19,620 --> 00:18:23,319
- Dad, why did you do that?
- 50-yard line!
519
00:18:23,406 --> 00:18:25,756
I mean, really, it's a Yankee
Swap--get over it.
520
00:18:25,843 --> 00:18:28,019
[melancholy "Silent Night"]
521
00:18:28,107 --> 00:18:29,107
- Man...
522
00:18:29,151 --> 00:18:31,153
[owl hoots]
523
00:18:31,240 --> 00:18:33,373
[snoring]
524
00:18:33,460 --> 00:18:36,680
- The nicest thing I can
say about Granfield Smith
525
00:18:36,767 --> 00:18:39,292
is that he wraps hose
with the grace
526
00:18:39,379 --> 00:18:42,121
and speed of a pregnant
water buffalo.
527
00:18:42,208 --> 00:18:44,558
[laughing]
528
00:18:44,645 --> 00:18:47,256
And that...finishes it.
529
00:18:50,129 --> 00:18:52,957
["Silent Night" continues]
530
00:18:53,044 --> 00:18:57,353
♪ ♪
531
00:18:57,440 --> 00:18:58,659
"Clean in comfort."
532
00:18:58,746 --> 00:19:00,313
Sunny Tunnel Bidet.
533
00:19:00,400 --> 00:19:02,489
Hmm.
534
00:19:02,576 --> 00:19:04,143
Eh, why not?
535
00:19:05,100 --> 00:19:07,146
Here goes nothing.
536
00:19:08,408 --> 00:19:10,671
[water sprays]
Ooh!
537
00:19:10,758 --> 00:19:11,758
[splashing]
538
00:19:11,802 --> 00:19:14,979
Ooh hoo hoo hoo ooh!
539
00:19:16,024 --> 00:19:19,593
[loud splashing]
Ha ha ha ha ha!
540
00:19:19,680 --> 00:19:21,377
- And in that moment,
541
00:19:21,464 --> 00:19:24,946
feeling the soothing rush
of 82-degree toilet water
542
00:19:25,033 --> 00:19:27,383
on his bitter and hardened anus,
543
00:19:27,470 --> 00:19:31,779
Eddie Penisi's heart
grew 20 sizes that night.
544
00:19:31,866 --> 00:19:33,172
- [laughing/crying]
545
00:19:33,259 --> 00:19:34,390
I love it!
546
00:19:34,477 --> 00:19:36,218
- I'm too old for this shit.
547
00:19:36,305 --> 00:19:39,090
- What was I thinking?
548
00:19:39,178 --> 00:19:41,702
These people are my family.
549
00:19:41,789 --> 00:19:45,184
But there's no time to do
those evaluations over again.
550
00:19:45,271 --> 00:19:47,186
Is there?
551
00:19:47,273 --> 00:19:51,233
[upbeat Christmas melody]
552
00:19:51,320 --> 00:19:53,496
You there, boy, what time is it?
553
00:19:53,583 --> 00:19:55,498
- Almost 5:00
in the morning!
554
00:19:55,585 --> 00:19:58,458
- 5:00? There might
just be enough time!
555
00:19:58,545 --> 00:19:59,981
What are you doing
running around
556
00:20:00,068 --> 00:20:01,591
at 5:00 on Christmas morning?
557
00:20:01,678 --> 00:20:03,506
- Stealing packages
off people's doorsteps!
558
00:20:03,593 --> 00:20:05,334
- Wait--Hunter, is that you?
559
00:20:05,421 --> 00:20:07,641
- Ah, fuck off!
- Ha ha ha.
560
00:20:07,728 --> 00:20:09,469
Merry Christmas, Hunter.
561
00:20:09,556 --> 00:20:11,514
Merry Christmas.
562
00:20:11,601 --> 00:20:12,733
- Whatever.
563
00:20:15,170 --> 00:20:17,128
- Oh, something smells good.
564
00:20:17,216 --> 00:20:18,652
- It smells like Christmas.
565
00:20:18,739 --> 00:20:21,263
- It is Christmas, dummy.
- Merry Christmas.
566
00:20:21,350 --> 00:20:23,222
- Merry Christmas, guys.
567
00:20:23,309 --> 00:20:25,702
[upbeat "Jingle Bells"]
568
00:20:25,789 --> 00:20:27,704
- Whoa!
569
00:20:27,791 --> 00:20:30,141
- It looks amazing!
- Holy--
570
00:20:30,229 --> 00:20:32,709
[chatter, laughter]
571
00:20:32,796 --> 00:20:34,885
- Merry Christmas, everyone.
572
00:20:34,972 --> 00:20:36,844
- Whoa!
What happened here?
573
00:20:36,931 --> 00:20:38,498
- A Christmas miracle.
574
00:20:38,585 --> 00:20:40,302
And here's the cherry
on top of the yule log.
575
00:20:40,326 --> 00:20:41,588
Check out your stockings.
576
00:20:41,675 --> 00:20:42,806
- [gasps] Oh!
577
00:20:42,893 --> 00:20:43,981
- Aw, man!
578
00:20:44,068 --> 00:20:45,722
- Did you do all this?
579
00:20:45,809 --> 00:20:47,420
- I did.
- Our evaluations!
580
00:20:47,507 --> 00:20:49,335
- "Granfield Smith wraps hose
581
00:20:49,422 --> 00:20:51,772
with the speed and grace
of a gazelle"?
582
00:20:51,859 --> 00:20:55,776
- "Andy Myawani--more like
dandy guy with two Mommies"?
583
00:20:55,863 --> 00:20:57,821
- It was 5:00 in the morning.
- Ike Crystal.
584
00:20:57,908 --> 00:20:59,214
"Satisfactory.
585
00:20:59,301 --> 00:21:01,042
Satisfactory..."
586
00:21:01,129 --> 00:21:02,652
Satisfactory on every one!
587
00:21:02,739 --> 00:21:04,654
Thanks, Cap!
[giggling]
588
00:21:04,741 --> 00:21:06,352
- What caused
the change of heart, Cap?
589
00:21:06,439 --> 00:21:08,223
- Well, Lucy, I realized
it was selfish of me
590
00:21:08,310 --> 00:21:10,510
to tarnish your records because
I had the holiday blues.
591
00:21:10,573 --> 00:21:12,662
- Or maybe somebody used
his new Christmas gift.
592
00:21:12,749 --> 00:21:14,838
- You're right, Chief.
593
00:21:14,925 --> 00:21:16,797
Your gift taught me
a lot last night.
594
00:21:16,884 --> 00:21:20,061
Turns out, assholes
do have feelings.
595
00:21:20,148 --> 00:21:21,236
I know this asshole does.
596
00:21:21,323 --> 00:21:23,630
- Aw...
- Aw ha ha ha.
597
00:21:23,717 --> 00:21:25,172
- Wait a minute.
Did you know the bidet
598
00:21:25,196 --> 00:21:27,068
was gonna have
this effect on Cap?
599
00:21:27,155 --> 00:21:29,244
[laughter]
600
00:21:29,331 --> 00:21:31,048
- It looks like there's
a new Santa Claus around here.
601
00:21:31,072 --> 00:21:34,075
Or should I say...
602
00:21:35,163 --> 00:21:36,295
Old Taint Nick?
603
00:21:36,382 --> 00:21:39,036
[laughter, cheering]
604
00:21:39,123 --> 00:21:41,343
- Man, the only thing
that'd make this day better
605
00:21:41,430 --> 00:21:43,998
is if one of you admitted
to stealing that Darla doll.
606
00:21:44,085 --> 00:21:46,174
- I didn't take it, Andy!
- No worries, gentlemen.
607
00:21:46,261 --> 00:21:49,003
'Cause I know who did it.
- What? Who?
608
00:21:49,090 --> 00:21:51,266
Seriously?
- Follow me.
609
00:21:51,353 --> 00:21:52,702
- Why can't you just
tell us now?
610
00:21:52,789 --> 00:21:54,748
Go...
611
00:21:54,835 --> 00:21:56,967
boom.
- Whoa!
612
00:21:57,054 --> 00:21:59,143
So this whole time
it's been Mark Budmartin?
613
00:21:59,230 --> 00:22:00,754
- The actor who played
Mark Budmartin.
614
00:22:00,841 --> 00:22:02,756
- I knew that guy was a phony!
615
00:22:02,843 --> 00:22:04,235
- I'm sorry for accusing you.
616
00:22:04,323 --> 00:22:06,194
- Aw, man, it's okay.
617
00:22:06,281 --> 00:22:08,631
- I'm sorry too, fellas.
- Take it in.
618
00:22:08,718 --> 00:22:11,895
- Are you guys ready for the
genuine Christmas miracle?
619
00:22:11,982 --> 00:22:14,115
That is not the real Darla doll.
620
00:22:14,202 --> 00:22:16,204
- I think it is.
- This is the real
621
00:22:16,291 --> 00:22:17,858
Pubic Defender Darla.
622
00:22:17,945 --> 00:22:20,164
When I saw how weird
you guys were being about it,
623
00:22:20,251 --> 00:22:21,490
I swapped her out
for another Darla.
624
00:22:21,514 --> 00:22:24,821
Merry $15,000 Christmas to us!
625
00:22:24,908 --> 00:22:27,563
- You're kidding, right?
- What? I saved Christmas.
626
00:22:27,650 --> 00:22:29,957
- Why don't you read this?
- Right here.
627
00:22:30,044 --> 00:22:32,307
- What does it say?
"Pubic Defender Darla doll.
628
00:22:32,394 --> 00:22:34,048
M-I-P."
What's MIP mean?
629
00:22:34,135 --> 00:22:35,939
- Mint In Package.
It means it's an untouched doll
630
00:22:35,963 --> 00:22:37,443
in the original package.
631
00:22:37,530 --> 00:22:40,402
That doll right there
is without original package.
632
00:22:40,489 --> 00:22:42,752
- How much is it worth W-O-O-P?
633
00:22:42,839 --> 00:22:44,537
- $122.
634
00:22:44,624 --> 00:22:46,930
- Well, then we're gonna
spend that $122
635
00:22:47,017 --> 00:22:48,410
on sugar plums
and peppermint bark.
636
00:22:48,497 --> 00:22:50,369
- Yay!
- Good for you, Cap!
637
00:22:50,456 --> 00:22:51,979
- Merry Christmas, Cap.
638
00:22:52,066 --> 00:22:54,373
And God bless us...
every one.
639
00:22:54,460 --> 00:22:55,809
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
640
00:22:57,332 --> 00:22:58,942
- Merry Christmas, ho ho ho.
641
00:22:59,029 --> 00:23:00,746
Who's been good this year?
both: Merry Christmas.
642
00:23:00,770 --> 00:23:02,424
- Merry Christmas.
I like you guys.
643
00:23:02,511 --> 00:23:03,904
Happy holidays.
Merry Christmas.
644
00:23:03,991 --> 00:23:06,559
Hey--314 families.
That's a new record!
645
00:23:06,646 --> 00:23:08,561
- Awesome!
- Hey guys, come on over.
646
00:23:08,648 --> 00:23:11,607
Chief's gonna read his poem.
- Yay!
647
00:23:11,694 --> 00:23:12,956
- Yeah ha ha ha!
648
00:23:13,043 --> 00:23:14,697
Okay, guys.
649
00:23:14,784 --> 00:23:17,570
"'Twas the night before
Christmas at Tacoma FD.
650
00:23:17,657 --> 00:23:20,877
"What a year it has been,
filled with whimsy and glee.
651
00:23:20,964 --> 00:23:24,054
Chief Terry banned gambling,
but it went on, however."
652
00:23:24,141 --> 00:23:26,187
- No it did not, no it did not.
- Not really.
653
00:23:26,274 --> 00:23:28,798
- "While a fire in Dildo Town
brought enemies together.
654
00:23:28,885 --> 00:23:32,149
"Eddie's dad paid a visit
and was nice only to Lucy.
655
00:23:32,236 --> 00:23:35,152
"The guys on the C team
turned out to be douchey.
656
00:23:35,239 --> 00:23:36,806
- Big time.
- "Cap joined the Fire Choir
657
00:23:36,893 --> 00:23:39,069
by using his lips,
and Nightmare Manor
658
00:23:39,156 --> 00:23:41,245
"gave Granny a case of the yips.
659
00:23:41,332 --> 00:23:43,552
- Ha, that was so funny!
- Man, I had to lawyer up.
660
00:23:43,639 --> 00:23:45,772
- "Low voice Lucy
sounded like Barry White.
661
00:23:45,859 --> 00:23:47,295
"And Ike's brother needed help
662
00:23:47,382 --> 00:23:48,905
"'cause his sperm count
was light.
663
00:23:48,992 --> 00:23:50,603
- He was havin' a tough time.
664
00:23:50,690 --> 00:23:53,214
- "Cap grew his hair
an incredible length
665
00:23:53,301 --> 00:23:54,581
"while a stray bolt of lightning
666
00:23:54,607 --> 00:23:56,086
gave Andy super strength."
667
00:23:56,173 --> 00:23:57,586
- Wait, wait, wait--
when did that happen?
668
00:23:57,610 --> 00:23:59,655
- I'm just making sure
you're awake.
669
00:23:59,742 --> 00:24:01,807
- Ha ha, that didn't happen!
- "At the Firemen's Ball
670
00:24:01,831 --> 00:24:03,722
the elevator was stuck."
- I don't remember that.
671
00:24:03,746 --> 00:24:05,052
- "And this holiday season,
672
00:24:05,139 --> 00:24:07,054
Eddie learned
to give a fuck."
673
00:24:07,141 --> 00:24:08,925
- Thanks to you guys.
- That's right.
674
00:24:09,012 --> 00:24:11,972
- So as we wrap up our tale
and we ride out of sight...
675
00:24:12,059 --> 00:24:14,235
- Merry Christmas to all,
676
00:24:14,322 --> 00:24:16,498
and to all a good night.
677
00:24:16,585 --> 00:24:18,108
Ain't that right, Darla?
678
00:24:18,195 --> 00:24:20,241
- You said it, Snowman!
679
00:24:20,328 --> 00:24:23,505
- Station 24,
man stuck in chimney.
680
00:24:23,592 --> 00:24:25,352
Please respond.
- All right, here we go guys!
681
00:24:25,376 --> 00:24:28,858
♪ ♪
50242
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