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narrator: In 1985,
little John Bennett
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00:00:09,467 --> 00:00:11,302
wished on a shooting star
3
00:00:11,302 --> 00:00:13,805
that his teddy bear
would come to life.
4
00:00:13,805 --> 00:00:15,849
Magically, it happened.
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00:00:15,849 --> 00:00:19,185
Ted was an instant,
worldwide phenomenon.
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00:00:19,185 --> 00:00:21,187
But now, it's 1993.
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And like every phenomenon,
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eventually,
nobody gives a shit.
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{\an8}[Norah Jones' "Everybody
Needs a Best Friend"]
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{\an8}♪ ♪
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00:00:32,198 --> 00:00:33,908
{\an8}- * My words are lazy ♪
12
00:00:33,908 --> 00:00:35,577
{\an8}♪ My thoughts are hazy ♪
13
00:00:35,577 --> 00:00:38,788
{\an8}♪ But this is one thing
I'm sure of ♪
14
00:00:38,788 --> 00:00:42,417
{\an8}♪ Everybody needs
a best friend ♪
15
00:00:42,417 --> 00:00:45,378
{\an8}♪ I'm happy I'm yours ♪
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{\an8}[upbeat jazz music]
17
00:00:50,008 --> 00:00:54,220
{\an8}♪ ♪
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{\an8}[glitchy music playing]
19
00:00:57,015 --> 00:01:00,101
{\an8}Fuck, it's not working.
Here, let me try something,
20
00:01:00,101 --> 00:01:01,144
{\an8}You got to blow on it.
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00:01:01,144 --> 00:01:03,396
{\an8}That's what I'm doing.
[blowing]
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00:01:03,396 --> 00:01:04,898
{\an8}No, no, you got to
like really blow on it.
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00:01:04,898 --> 00:01:07,067
{\an8}Here.
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00:01:07,067 --> 00:01:08,568
{\an8}[blowing harder]
25
00:01:08,568 --> 00:01:11,279
{\an8}Wow, you are going to make
some guy very happy one day.
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{\an8}Fuck off.
27
00:01:12,530 --> 00:01:13,615
{\an8}Try it again
with eye contact.
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00:01:13,615 --> 00:01:15,575
{\an8}Fuck you, man.
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{\an8}See if it works.
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00:01:16,910 --> 00:01:17,869
{\an8}[upbeat electronic playing]
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{\an8}both: Hey!
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{\an8}All right, Mushroom Kingdom.
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00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:21,289
{\an8}Anybody seen my car keys?
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00:01:21,289 --> 00:01:23,083
{\an8}Yeah, they were on the floor.
35
00:01:23,083 --> 00:01:24,751
{\an8}Dad stepped on them
and got mad.
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{\an8}What'd he do with 'em?
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{\an8}Think he threw 'em.
38
00:01:26,795 --> 00:01:28,380
{\an8}Shit.
39
00:01:28,380 --> 00:01:30,882
{\an8}Hey, are Mario and Luigi
supposed to be midgets?
40
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{\an8}What do you mean?
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{\an8}They're wicked short.
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{\an8}Like, is it part
of their character
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{\an8}that they're midgets, or is--
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{\an8}Jesus Christ. Seriously?
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00:01:37,222 --> 00:01:38,264
{\an8}What?
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{\an8}Little people.
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{\an8}Yeah, that's why I'm asking.
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{\an8}Are they supposed
to be midgets?
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{\an8}You don't say "midget."
You say "little people."
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00:01:43,978 --> 00:01:45,814
{\an8}"Midget" is rude.
- Why is it rude?
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{\an8}Because it just is.
It's a fucked-up word.
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00:01:48,149 --> 00:01:49,567
{\an8}I mean, how would you like it
if you were a little person
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{\an8}and someone called you that?
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{\an8}Well, I mean, technically--
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{\an8}- That's not the same.
- Why not?
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{\an8}You're a teddy bear.
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{\an8}So what?
Doesn't matter.
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{\an8}Yeah, yeah, you know what?
I am a midget.
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00:01:58,785 --> 00:02:01,579
{\an8}And I will thank you
not to tell our community
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00:02:01,579 --> 00:02:02,956
{\an8}how to use our word.
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{\an8}Well done, Teddy.
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00:02:04,165 --> 00:02:05,333
{\an8}Thank you.
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00:02:07,127 --> 00:02:09,796
{\an8}[owl hooting]
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{\an8}Susan, just say it once.
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{\an8}- Nope.
- Just one time.
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{\an8}- No.
- She's not going to do it.
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{\an8}Come on, just one "fuck."
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{\an8}No, she doesn't
want to go to hell.
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00:02:16,011 --> 00:02:17,470
{\an8}Come on, Susan.
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00:02:17,470 --> 00:02:20,223
{\an8}I can express myself
without that kind of language.
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00:02:20,223 --> 00:02:21,599
{\an8}Thank you.
- Come on, we got a bet going.
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{\an8}Just one time.
- What's the bet?
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{\an8}Oh, that Ted can
get Mom to swear.
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{\an8}Oh, wow, so fucking adult.
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{\an8}Hey, we're at dinner.
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{\an8}Just say "shit."
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{\an8}Shoot.
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00:02:31,401 --> 00:02:33,820
{\an8}Just give us the finger.
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00:02:33,820 --> 00:02:34,904
{\an8}There's your finger.
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00:02:34,904 --> 00:02:35,905
{\an8}Say "Polack."
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00:02:35,905 --> 00:02:37,157
{\an8}Ted, really?
82
00:02:37,157 --> 00:02:38,575
{\an8}It's not a race.
You can say it.
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00:02:38,575 --> 00:02:39,743
{\an8}Yeah, it's just
a bunch of guys.
84
00:02:39,743 --> 00:02:42,162
{\an8}OK, just eat your supper, fellas.
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00:02:42,162 --> 00:02:43,163
{\an8}She's not going to swear, man.
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{\an8}I win.
- Ah, fuck.
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00:02:44,706 --> 00:02:46,583
{\an8}Pay up.
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[Ted groans softly]
Thank you.
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00:02:48,668 --> 00:02:50,837
Wait, you're not wearing pants.
Where'd you get this?
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Don't you worry about where
I'm keeping stuff.
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00:02:53,882 --> 00:02:56,343
Matty, honey,
that's your fourth beer.
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00:02:56,343 --> 00:02:58,178
Yeah, I had a shit day.
93
00:02:58,178 --> 00:02:59,721
Yeah,
four is like a Boston one.
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00:02:59,721 --> 00:03:00,805
He's OK.
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00:03:00,805 --> 00:03:02,640
I'm sorry your day was hard, honey.
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00:03:02,640 --> 00:03:04,726
Yeah, well,
sorry doesn't fix the car.
97
00:03:04,726 --> 00:03:06,144
What happened to the car,
Dad?
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00:03:06,144 --> 00:03:07,812
Whole rear fender
got smashed.
99
00:03:07,812 --> 00:03:08,938
Well, how bad is it?
100
00:03:08,938 --> 00:03:10,357
It's going to be at least
400 bucks.
101
00:03:10,357 --> 00:03:12,567
{\an8}- Who hit it?
- I didn't see.
102
00:03:12,567 --> 00:03:15,612
{\an8}But I was parked outside
the Hong Kong buffet, so...
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{\an8}[chuckles]
Do the math.
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{\an8}I'm sorry, what?
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{\an8}I'm just saying.
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{\an8}Wow, that is such
complete bullshit.
107
00:03:23,370 --> 00:03:24,621
{\an8}Hey, we're at dinner.
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00:03:24,621 --> 00:03:26,373
{\an8}It's a bullshit stereotype.
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{\an8}Tell that to my car.
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{\an8}Swear to God,
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{\an8}this whole household
is so goddamn backward.
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00:03:31,169 --> 00:03:33,380
{\an8}Ted has used two derogatory
terms this afternoon.
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{\an8}And then there you go
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{\an8}topping it off
with that ignorant comment.
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{\an8}I said "midget."
What was the other one?
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{\an8}Yeah, I don't know.
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{\an8}You're living in my house
with my family,
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{\an8}eating our food,
and drinking our milk.
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00:03:42,222 --> 00:03:43,473
{\an8}Tough shit
if you don't like it.
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00:03:43,473 --> 00:03:44,557
{\an8}That's just--that's great.
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{\an8}I'm so glad you don't count me
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{\an8}as a member of the family,
Uncle Matty.
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00:03:48,186 --> 00:03:49,396
Maybe "Polack"?
124
00:03:49,396 --> 00:03:50,772
No, couldn't be that.
That one's fine.
125
00:03:50,772 --> 00:03:54,317
Blaire, you are absolutely
a member of this family.
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00:03:54,317 --> 00:03:57,237
Matty, tell her you're sorry.
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00:03:57,237 --> 00:03:58,571
Of course he won't.
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00:03:58,571 --> 00:04:00,156
Because if he did,
he'd be admitting I'm right,
129
00:04:00,156 --> 00:04:02,575
which would also be admitting
he is a classic Boston racist.
130
00:04:02,575 --> 00:04:04,411
I'm not a racist!
131
00:04:04,411 --> 00:04:06,413
My favorite movie is "Rocky."
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00:04:06,413 --> 00:04:08,331
How the fuck does that
make you not racist?
133
00:04:08,331 --> 00:04:10,208
Uh,
Apollo Creed is in the movie.
134
00:04:10,208 --> 00:04:11,584
So?
135
00:04:11,584 --> 00:04:13,920
So he's a Black guy who
wins against a white guy.
136
00:04:13,920 --> 00:04:15,380
Oh, my God.
137
00:04:15,380 --> 00:04:17,215
I mean, it's assuming
you count Italians as whites,
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00:04:17,215 --> 00:04:18,633
which I mostly do.
139
00:04:18,633 --> 00:04:20,760
Of course, they weren't white
up until the 1960s.
140
00:04:20,760 --> 00:04:23,096
They got a big bump
after Korea.
141
00:04:23,096 --> 00:04:25,181
And it wasn't so much
they got more white,
142
00:04:25,181 --> 00:04:27,976
the Cubans got more Black,
but I was OK with that too.
143
00:04:27,976 --> 00:04:29,227
Isn't this the toast
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00:04:29,227 --> 00:04:30,311
that got you kicked out
of Ronny's wedding?
145
00:04:30,311 --> 00:04:31,646
Again, I was explaining
146
00:04:31,646 --> 00:04:33,523
why it was OK that
he married an Italian.
147
00:04:33,523 --> 00:04:34,733
Jesus Christ.
148
00:04:34,733 --> 00:04:36,317
You are literally
proving my point.
149
00:04:36,317 --> 00:04:38,111
You are a raging
fuckin' racist.
150
00:04:38,111 --> 00:04:39,571
Hey, we're at dinner.
151
00:04:39,571 --> 00:04:43,950
Well, in fairness, Blaire,
you can be racist too.
152
00:04:43,950 --> 00:04:45,160
- What?
- Mm-hmm.
153
00:04:45,160 --> 00:04:46,536
No, I'm not.
154
00:04:46,536 --> 00:04:48,830
Do you remember when
you were a little girl?
155
00:04:48,830 --> 00:04:51,708
You used to cut the hair
off your Barbies?
156
00:04:51,708 --> 00:04:53,126
Yes?
157
00:04:53,126 --> 00:04:55,545
You used to cut the
Black Barbie's hair off first
158
00:04:55,545 --> 00:04:56,921
to see how it looked.
159
00:04:56,921 --> 00:04:59,090
Oh, come on.
Are you serious with that?
160
00:04:59,090 --> 00:05:00,342
And then if you liked it,
161
00:05:00,342 --> 00:05:01,968
then you'd cut
the white Barbie's hair.
162
00:05:01,968 --> 00:05:04,137
So you're a little racist too,
Blaire.
163
00:05:04,137 --> 00:05:06,973
Wow, that is weirdly
so much more damning
164
00:05:06,973 --> 00:05:08,516
than anything else today.
165
00:05:08,516 --> 00:05:09,976
And it started when
she was very young too.
166
00:05:09,976 --> 00:05:11,978
Are you guys
for fucking real right now?
167
00:05:11,978 --> 00:05:14,814
I mean, that is some sick
Nazi doctor shit right there.
168
00:05:14,814 --> 00:05:16,441
Did you?
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00:05:16,441 --> 00:05:17,817
What?
170
00:05:17,817 --> 00:05:21,363
Did you cut
the Black Barbie's hair first?
171
00:05:23,031 --> 00:05:26,201
Fine, yes, OK, I cut the
Black Barbie's hair, yes.
172
00:05:26,201 --> 00:05:27,577
I was eight years old, OK?
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00:05:27,577 --> 00:05:28,828
I didn't fucking
know any better.
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00:05:28,828 --> 00:05:30,705
What was
the Black Barbie's name?
175
00:05:33,208 --> 00:05:34,959
- I don't remember.
- Oh, it gets even worse!
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00:05:34,959 --> 00:05:36,586
Oh, my God, she can't remember
the Black Barbie's name.
177
00:05:36,586 --> 00:05:38,880
But I still love
both Barbies equally.
178
00:05:38,880 --> 00:05:40,507
- And separately?
- Yeah, yeah.
179
00:05:40,507 --> 00:05:41,841
What was the water fountain
situation like
180
00:05:41,841 --> 00:05:43,593
at the Dream House?
- Yeah, was there like
181
00:05:43,593 --> 00:05:45,178
a special entrance
for the Black Barbie?
182
00:05:45,178 --> 00:05:46,513
- Look--
- Oh.
183
00:05:46,513 --> 00:05:47,681
Did you call it
the "I Have a Dream House"?
184
00:05:47,681 --> 00:05:49,849
- A-ha!
- OK, I was a fucking child.
185
00:05:49,849 --> 00:05:52,018
All right?
At least I have that excuse.
186
00:05:52,018 --> 00:05:53,520
You guys are adults.
187
00:05:53,520 --> 00:05:55,188
You know what the problem is?
188
00:05:55,188 --> 00:05:56,606
Education.
189
00:05:56,606 --> 00:05:58,900
There is a complete lack
of education in this family.
190
00:05:58,900 --> 00:06:00,360
That's not true.
I go to school.
191
00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:02,404
I'm taking a pottery class.
192
00:06:02,404 --> 00:06:04,239
What about Ted? Hmm?
193
00:06:04,239 --> 00:06:06,032
He's never had
a day of education in his life,
194
00:06:06,032 --> 00:06:08,368
and it shows,
using words like "Polack."
195
00:06:08,368 --> 00:06:09,619
Oh, it was "Polack."
196
00:06:09,619 --> 00:06:12,205
The teacher says
my ashtray shows promise.
197
00:06:12,205 --> 00:06:14,708
You should be going to school
every day with John.
198
00:06:14,708 --> 00:06:16,292
You'd learn something.
199
00:06:16,292 --> 00:06:17,627
And maybe you wouldn't make
all these ignorant comments.
200
00:06:17,627 --> 00:06:19,295
Uh, yeah, no thanks.
201
00:06:19,295 --> 00:06:20,338
Why not?
202
00:06:20,338 --> 00:06:22,090
Because.
203
00:06:22,090 --> 00:06:23,258
TV.
204
00:06:23,258 --> 00:06:24,634
[sighs]
Aunt Suze, help me out.
205
00:06:24,634 --> 00:06:26,469
Well, Ted,
you might have fun.
206
00:06:26,469 --> 00:06:27,887
Mm-hmm.
207
00:06:27,887 --> 00:06:29,639
And I'm sure John would love
to have you there.
208
00:06:29,639 --> 00:06:31,599
No, no, I would not have fun.
209
00:06:31,599 --> 00:06:33,435
And "The Price is Right" is on
at 10:00 a.m.
210
00:06:33,435 --> 00:06:34,894
and I'd miss Plinko
211
00:06:34,894 --> 00:06:37,272
and Johnny respects me too much
to want me to do that.
212
00:06:37,272 --> 00:06:38,648
I do.
I respect him.
213
00:06:38,648 --> 00:06:40,525
He tells me all about Plinko
when I get home.
214
00:06:40,525 --> 00:06:41,860
That is such a cop-out.
215
00:06:41,860 --> 00:06:44,070
Look, I guard the house
when you guys are out.
216
00:06:44,070 --> 00:06:45,572
[scoffs] You do not.
217
00:06:45,572 --> 00:06:46,990
- Yeah, I do.
- How?
218
00:06:46,990 --> 00:06:49,075
If somebody broke in,
what would you do?
219
00:06:49,075 --> 00:06:52,162
I--I would tell him all the
good stuff's in the backyard
220
00:06:52,162 --> 00:06:54,539
and then I'd lock the door
behind him.
221
00:06:54,539 --> 00:06:56,624
This is pointless.
I have plans with Sarah.
222
00:06:59,502 --> 00:07:01,546
Oh, Plinko was wonderful
today.
223
00:07:01,546 --> 00:07:03,840
Plinko is the best
"Price is Right" game.
224
00:07:03,840 --> 00:07:04,758
It is.
225
00:07:04,758 --> 00:07:08,219
We live in such special times.
226
00:07:08,219 --> 00:07:11,181
[upbeat jazz music]
227
00:07:11,181 --> 00:07:13,266
♪ ♪
228
00:07:13,266 --> 00:07:16,478
$1,000 total thus far.
229
00:07:16,478 --> 00:07:17,937
- Oh, God.
- Third one is...
230
00:07:17,937 --> 00:07:18,813
Oh, God.
231
00:07:18,813 --> 00:07:19,939
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,
232
00:07:19,939 --> 00:07:21,775
fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,
fuck, fuck.
233
00:07:21,775 --> 00:07:23,818
Yes! Ah!
Oh, my God!
234
00:07:23,818 --> 00:07:26,738
[cheers and applause]
I want to tell somebody.
235
00:07:26,738 --> 00:07:28,281
No, it's OK.
It's all right.
236
00:07:28,281 --> 00:07:30,325
This will be my moment.
237
00:07:30,325 --> 00:07:31,618
[switch clicks]
[Ted sighs]
238
00:07:31,618 --> 00:07:34,496
All right, another day
with the house to myself.
239
00:07:34,496 --> 00:07:37,874
What's fun? What's fun?
What's fun? What's fun?
240
00:07:37,874 --> 00:07:39,376
[gasps]
241
00:07:39,376 --> 00:07:43,004
Oh, let's see if we can find
where Matty hides his porn.
242
00:07:48,510 --> 00:07:50,011
Jesus, he's got nothing?
243
00:07:50,011 --> 00:07:51,805
25 years of marriage
and no porn,
244
00:07:51,805 --> 00:07:53,181
I'd put a bullet in my head.
245
00:07:53,181 --> 00:07:55,141
Oh, here we go.
246
00:07:55,141 --> 00:07:57,977
Oh, talk about
the right to bear arms.
247
00:07:57,977 --> 00:08:00,188
[chuckles]
Bear arms bearing arms, right?
248
00:08:00,188 --> 00:08:03,650
[laughs] Oh, man, everybody's
missing all this great stuff.
249
00:08:03,650 --> 00:08:06,695
Oh, wait. Oh, I know
what to do with this.
250
00:08:17,997 --> 00:08:18,915
[gun cocks]
251
00:08:22,794 --> 00:08:24,212
[laughs]
Awesome!
252
00:08:24,212 --> 00:08:27,048
Oh, I am so glad
I tried this at home.
253
00:08:28,258 --> 00:08:29,676
What the hell was that?
254
00:08:29,676 --> 00:08:31,261
Oh, it's OK, Mrs. Fechko.
255
00:08:31,261 --> 00:08:33,179
I'm just doing
a science experiment.
256
00:08:33,179 --> 00:08:34,973
Is that a gun?
257
00:08:34,973 --> 00:08:37,726
I mean, that's one function
of it, yeah.
258
00:08:37,726 --> 00:08:39,269
Well,
what are you shooting at?
259
00:08:39,269 --> 00:08:40,270
Nothing.
260
00:08:40,270 --> 00:08:41,229
Are you sure?
261
00:08:41,229 --> 00:08:42,272
Yeah.
262
00:08:42,272 --> 00:08:43,231
All right.
263
00:08:44,816 --> 00:08:46,109
Oops!
[groans]
264
00:08:46,109 --> 00:08:47,110
[gunshot]
265
00:08:50,363 --> 00:08:51,364
[dog barking in the distance]
266
00:08:51,364 --> 00:08:53,616
Ah, fuck.
267
00:09:00,665 --> 00:09:02,083
[beer can rattles]
268
00:09:02,083 --> 00:09:05,003
The Russian boxer has
all this technology, right?
269
00:09:05,003 --> 00:09:07,130
But Rocky's way up
in the mountains.
270
00:09:07,130 --> 00:09:09,257
And all he's got is,
like, logs and shit.
271
00:09:09,257 --> 00:09:12,052
So it's wicked uneven
because the Russians
272
00:09:12,052 --> 00:09:14,846
have machines for, like,
every part of Drago's body.
273
00:09:14,846 --> 00:09:19,309
But you know what part
they don't have a machine for?
274
00:09:19,309 --> 00:09:21,269
This guy, right here.
275
00:09:21,269 --> 00:09:22,729
Aw, you should have seen it.
276
00:09:22,729 --> 00:09:25,940
I'm sure I still can.
It sounds like they filmed it.
277
00:09:25,940 --> 00:09:27,275
I don't know how we started
talking about abortion
278
00:09:27,275 --> 00:09:28,526
and ended up here.
279
00:09:28,526 --> 00:09:29,694
I don't have to pick you up
tomorrow, right?
280
00:09:29,694 --> 00:09:32,781
No, I got the rental.
281
00:09:32,781 --> 00:09:34,616
What the fuck?
282
00:09:36,785 --> 00:09:39,412
[women giggling]
283
00:09:39,412 --> 00:09:41,122
Aw.
[laughter]
284
00:09:41,122 --> 00:09:42,749
Oh. Hey, Matty.
Hey, Blaire.
285
00:09:42,749 --> 00:09:43,917
What the fuck is this?
286
00:09:43,917 --> 00:09:46,169
Oh, this is Cupcake, Peaches,
287
00:09:46,169 --> 00:09:47,420
and Beef Stroganoff.
288
00:09:47,420 --> 00:09:48,463
Hi.
289
00:09:48,463 --> 00:09:49,506
What happened to the TV?
290
00:09:49,506 --> 00:09:51,466
Oh, I accidentally shot it.
291
00:09:51,466 --> 00:09:52,801
You shot it?
292
00:09:52,801 --> 00:09:54,803
Yeah, and I felt
really bad about it.
293
00:09:54,803 --> 00:09:57,681
And then I was like,
"Hey, Ted, it was an accident.
294
00:09:57,681 --> 00:09:59,557
"Stop being so hard
on yourself.
295
00:09:59,557 --> 00:10:00,975
"It's bad enough
that it happened.
296
00:10:00,975 --> 00:10:03,395
You feeling bad's
not going to fix it."
297
00:10:03,395 --> 00:10:04,729
So I called these ladies
298
00:10:04,729 --> 00:10:06,106
because I was trying
to make myself feel better.
299
00:10:06,106 --> 00:10:07,941
And I do. I feel better.
[women giggle]
300
00:10:07,941 --> 00:10:09,859
See, this is the kind of shit
301
00:10:09,859 --> 00:10:11,611
that wouldn't happen
if he was in school.
302
00:10:11,611 --> 00:10:12,612
Wait, what?
303
00:10:12,612 --> 00:10:14,072
You're going to school.
304
00:10:14,072 --> 00:10:15,949
Wait, hang on.
That is a serious overreaction.
305
00:10:15,949 --> 00:10:17,033
You're going to school,
306
00:10:17,033 --> 00:10:18,576
and you're going to grow
a fucking brain!
307
00:10:18,576 --> 00:10:19,953
Oh, come on!
308
00:10:19,953 --> 00:10:21,621
I think brains are sexy.
309
00:10:21,621 --> 00:10:23,665
Shut up, Beef.
310
00:10:28,378 --> 00:10:31,131
[owl hooting]
311
00:10:33,341 --> 00:10:36,302
Hey, Johnny, you awake?
312
00:10:36,302 --> 00:10:37,637
Yeah.
313
00:10:37,637 --> 00:10:39,431
I was just jerking off.
314
00:10:39,431 --> 00:10:40,724
What?
315
00:10:40,724 --> 00:10:42,726
[laughs]
Relax, I'm fucking with you.
316
00:10:42,726 --> 00:10:44,686
Holy Jesus.
317
00:10:44,686 --> 00:10:45,979
Wait, you're--
you don't do that
318
00:10:45,979 --> 00:10:47,188
when I'm in the room, right?
319
00:10:47,188 --> 00:10:48,940
No.
320
00:10:48,940 --> 00:10:51,985
Not usually.
I mean, if you're asleep.
321
00:10:51,985 --> 00:10:55,780
Oh, shit, that's why I had
the Spanish galleon dream.
322
00:10:55,780 --> 00:10:56,990
What?
323
00:10:56,990 --> 00:10:58,116
I had a dream the other night
324
00:10:58,116 --> 00:11:00,577
that I was rowing
on a Spanish slave ship.
325
00:11:00,577 --> 00:11:03,955
And the guy on the drums was
pounding faster and faster.
326
00:11:03,955 --> 00:11:05,999
And so I escaped
by jumping out a window,
327
00:11:05,999 --> 00:11:07,834
and I swam to a desert island.
328
00:11:07,834 --> 00:11:09,002
And when I came ashore,
329
00:11:09,002 --> 00:11:11,129
there you were jerking off.
330
00:11:11,129 --> 00:11:13,882
That's probably why
I had that dream.
331
00:11:16,217 --> 00:11:18,845
OK, goodnight.
332
00:11:18,845 --> 00:11:21,681
Johnny, how bad
is school going to suck?
333
00:11:21,681 --> 00:11:23,433
You're not going to like it.
334
00:11:23,433 --> 00:11:25,352
How bad?
335
00:11:25,352 --> 00:11:27,604
You ever drink orange juice
after brushing your teeth?
336
00:11:27,604 --> 00:11:28,646
Yeah.
337
00:11:28,646 --> 00:11:29,856
Well, it's like
338
00:11:29,856 --> 00:11:30,899
getting your nuts
smashed together so hard,
339
00:11:30,899 --> 00:11:32,692
they become just one nut.
340
00:11:32,692 --> 00:11:35,028
Holy shit.
And that's every day?
341
00:11:35,028 --> 00:11:37,822
That's every single day.
342
00:11:37,822 --> 00:11:39,199
But if you die
in a drunk driving accident,
343
00:11:39,199 --> 00:11:41,951
you get a whole page
in the yearbook.
344
00:11:41,951 --> 00:11:43,161
Not quite "Goodnight Moon,"
345
00:11:43,161 --> 00:11:45,497
but I'll see you
in the morning.
346
00:11:45,497 --> 00:11:48,458
[upbeat jazz music]
347
00:11:48,458 --> 00:11:51,795
♪ ♪
348
00:11:51,795 --> 00:11:53,213
This sucks.
349
00:11:53,213 --> 00:11:55,048
We got to lug these things
around all day?
350
00:11:55,048 --> 00:11:56,257
Yeah, pretty much.
351
00:11:56,257 --> 00:11:58,551
- We look stupid.
- Nah, we're fine.
352
00:11:58,551 --> 00:12:00,762
We look like suicide bombers
having second thoughts.
353
00:12:00,762 --> 00:12:01,888
Shut the fuck up.
354
00:12:01,888 --> 00:12:03,056
You can't joke about bombs
here.
355
00:12:03,056 --> 00:12:05,725
[sighs]
Now let me ask you something.
356
00:12:05,725 --> 00:12:06,893
You ever get self-conscious
357
00:12:06,893 --> 00:12:08,812
being the only white guy
at your school?
358
00:12:08,812 --> 00:12:10,772
I dunno,
we live in a Boston suburb.
359
00:12:10,772 --> 00:12:12,399
Oh, last year,
we had an Indian kid.
360
00:12:12,399 --> 00:12:13,441
Oh, yeah?
361
00:12:13,441 --> 00:12:14,526
Yeah, but they got him.
362
00:12:14,526 --> 00:12:15,735
What does that mean?
363
00:12:15,735 --> 00:12:17,070
I liked him too.
364
00:12:17,070 --> 00:12:18,405
What do you mean
"they got him"?
365
00:12:18,405 --> 00:12:19,739
He used to share
his Dunkaroos.
366
00:12:19,739 --> 00:12:21,533
Good guy.
- Fuck this, Johnny.
367
00:12:21,533 --> 00:12:23,618
You know what?
I'm going to get expelled.
368
00:12:23,618 --> 00:12:25,036
For what?
369
00:12:25,036 --> 00:12:26,496
I don't know yet.
I'll come up with something.
370
00:12:26,496 --> 00:12:28,039
Wait, you're going to try
and get kicked out?
371
00:12:28,039 --> 00:12:30,834
It's the only way.
I'm missing "Card Sharks."
372
00:12:30,834 --> 00:12:33,628
[indistinct chatter]
373
00:12:33,628 --> 00:12:36,631
[gasps softly]
Dude, look.
374
00:12:36,631 --> 00:12:37,799
There she is.
375
00:12:37,799 --> 00:12:38,800
What?
376
00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:40,510
Look.
377
00:12:40,510 --> 00:12:42,846
Holy shit, who is that?
378
00:12:42,846 --> 00:12:44,264
Bethany's sister.
379
00:12:44,264 --> 00:12:46,933
She goes to Emerson.
Hottest chick on the planet.
380
00:12:46,933 --> 00:12:48,893
Jesus, what's her name?
381
00:12:48,893 --> 00:12:49,936
Sheila.
382
00:12:49,936 --> 00:12:51,896
- What? No.
- Yep.
383
00:12:51,896 --> 00:12:53,398
- Sheila?
- Uh-huh.
384
00:12:53,398 --> 00:12:56,568
What the fuck kind of
malevolent God would do that?
385
00:12:56,568 --> 00:12:58,236
Yeah, it's like her parents
knew she was going to be hot,
386
00:12:58,236 --> 00:12:59,446
and they wanted
to level the field.
387
00:12:59,446 --> 00:13:01,114
Think fast, Bennett!
388
00:13:01,114 --> 00:13:02,157
[laughter]
- Nice!
389
00:13:02,157 --> 00:13:03,950
- Fuck.
- Hey, dork.
390
00:13:03,950 --> 00:13:05,118
What the fuck you got here?
391
00:13:05,118 --> 00:13:06,619
You're bringing your dolls
to school?
392
00:13:06,619 --> 00:13:07,704
Hey, fuck you, Clive.
393
00:13:08,329 --> 00:13:10,040
Oh, God, you motherfucker.
394
00:13:10,040 --> 00:13:12,125
- Who the hell is this guy?
- This is Clive.
395
00:13:12,125 --> 00:13:13,626
Nice teddy bear, Bennett.
396
00:13:13,626 --> 00:13:16,504
You got your blankie too? Ooh.
[bullies laughing]
397
00:13:16,504 --> 00:13:18,506
You must be going full gay
on us, huh?
398
00:13:18,506 --> 00:13:20,467
I always knew you were
a big queer.
399
00:13:20,467 --> 00:13:22,427
You know, I don't want
to speculate on who's gay,
400
00:13:22,427 --> 00:13:26,014
but didn't you just
touch his penis twice?
401
00:13:26,014 --> 00:13:27,807
Hey, listen, man,
it's nothing to be ashamed of.
402
00:13:27,807 --> 00:13:29,726
It's the '90s.
Times are changing.
403
00:13:29,726 --> 00:13:32,312
Hey, anybody else here gay?
404
00:13:32,312 --> 00:13:33,396
How is it?
405
00:13:33,396 --> 00:13:35,315
- It's great.
- It's the fucking tits.
406
00:13:35,315 --> 00:13:37,525
See? There you go.
The reviews are in.
407
00:13:38,693 --> 00:13:40,445
You're still a fucking dork.
408
00:13:40,445 --> 00:13:42,822
[grunts]
- [laughing] Hey, what a dorko.
409
00:13:42,822 --> 00:13:44,616
Let's go.
[bully laughs]
410
00:13:45,742 --> 00:13:47,285
Hey, you know what, Teddy?
411
00:13:47,285 --> 00:13:48,953
I think I'm really glad
you're here.
412
00:13:48,953 --> 00:13:50,121
Yeah, thanks.
413
00:13:50,121 --> 00:13:51,206
I'm still going
to get kicked out.
414
00:13:51,206 --> 00:13:53,291
I know.
415
00:13:53,291 --> 00:13:56,169
From 1814 to 1815,
following the writing
416
00:13:56,169 --> 00:13:58,171
of "Childe Harold's
Pilgrimage,"
417
00:13:58,171 --> 00:14:00,757
Lord Byron was the toast
of Regency London.
418
00:14:00,757 --> 00:14:03,093
During this period, he wrote
"The Siege of Corinth,"
419
00:14:03,093 --> 00:14:06,971
"The Bride of Abydos,"
and what else?
420
00:14:06,971 --> 00:14:08,765
- Amanda.
- "Terracina."
421
00:14:08,765 --> 00:14:10,433
Yes.
Someone did the homework.
422
00:14:10,433 --> 00:14:11,893
Very good.
423
00:14:11,893 --> 00:14:14,479
I think this guy's lost
40 hairs since class started.
424
00:14:14,479 --> 00:14:15,438
It's weird, right?
425
00:14:15,438 --> 00:14:16,439
It's like
they're not falling out.
426
00:14:16,439 --> 00:14:18,191
They're jumping out.
[Ted laughs]
427
00:14:18,191 --> 00:14:20,026
- Ted.
- Yes?
428
00:14:20,026 --> 00:14:21,569
Can you complete this verse?
429
00:14:21,569 --> 00:14:25,407
"She walks in beauty, like
the night of cloudless climes
430
00:14:25,407 --> 00:14:26,991
"and starry skies.
431
00:14:26,991 --> 00:14:30,453
And all that's best
of dark and bright..."
432
00:14:30,453 --> 00:14:32,622
Your wife is
fucking other guys.
433
00:14:32,622 --> 00:14:35,125
[laughter]
434
00:14:35,125 --> 00:14:36,584
[chuckles softly]
435
00:14:36,584 --> 00:14:37,794
[sniffles softly]
436
00:14:37,794 --> 00:14:39,546
You think you're funny,
but you know what?
437
00:14:39,546 --> 00:14:41,214
Joke's on you, smart guy,
438
00:14:41,214 --> 00:14:43,550
because my wife and I are
having problems.
439
00:14:43,550 --> 00:14:45,552
- Oh.
- Yeah.
440
00:14:45,552 --> 00:14:46,720
I'm sorry to hear that.
441
00:14:46,720 --> 00:14:48,096
Oh, thank you.
442
00:14:48,096 --> 00:14:50,974
Um, my wife had
an affair last year.
443
00:14:50,974 --> 00:14:52,559
And we've both tried
to recover,
444
00:14:52,559 --> 00:14:55,687
but fact is, neither one of us
has been able to forget it.
445
00:14:55,687 --> 00:14:59,399
So I come in here every day
acting like my life is great
446
00:14:59,399 --> 00:15:03,278
when, in reality,
it's a train wreck.
447
00:15:03,278 --> 00:15:05,363
My own son
doesn't respect his father,
448
00:15:05,363 --> 00:15:08,241
so joke's on you, funny man.
449
00:15:08,241 --> 00:15:10,785
Not really quite sure
how the joke's on me,
450
00:15:10,785 --> 00:15:12,120
but--
- Who's laughing now?
451
00:15:12,120 --> 00:15:13,913
I mean,
I think I still am, but--
452
00:15:13,913 --> 00:15:15,999
Life comes with
a lot of pain, kids.
453
00:15:15,999 --> 00:15:17,500
So better you learn
that right now
454
00:15:17,500 --> 00:15:21,421
and develop some nice, hard
calluses over your feelings.
455
00:15:21,421 --> 00:15:23,214
My daughter is having
a pregnancy scare.
456
00:15:23,214 --> 00:15:24,966
Anyone want to talk about that?
457
00:15:24,966 --> 00:15:27,427
Well, we're gonna
talk about it!
458
00:15:27,427 --> 00:15:30,722
Her last period
was five weeks ago!
459
00:15:32,098 --> 00:15:33,600
I know this because
460
00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:36,519
I'm the only one in the house
who buys tampons.
461
00:15:36,519 --> 00:15:38,355
Yeah, I don't think you're
going to break Mr. George.
462
00:15:38,355 --> 00:15:39,939
He's already too messed up.
463
00:15:39,939 --> 00:15:41,232
Yeah, I see that.
464
00:15:41,232 --> 00:15:42,442
So what are you going to do?
465
00:15:42,442 --> 00:15:44,569
How are you going
to get kicked out?
466
00:15:44,569 --> 00:15:47,364
[indistinct chatter]
467
00:15:49,449 --> 00:15:50,867
Better put some
more franks on.
468
00:15:50,867 --> 00:15:51,951
All right.
469
00:15:51,951 --> 00:15:54,454
[indistinct chatter]
470
00:15:54,454 --> 00:15:55,914
I'm the king of the wieners!
471
00:15:55,914 --> 00:15:57,499
[screams]
472
00:15:59,834 --> 00:16:00,877
[Ted laughs]
473
00:16:00,877 --> 00:16:02,504
[crying]
474
00:16:02,504 --> 00:16:04,839
Ted Bennett, please report
to the principal's office.
475
00:16:04,839 --> 00:16:06,883
Well, don't mind if I do.
476
00:16:06,883 --> 00:16:10,887
Ted, do you know where
my last job was?
477
00:16:10,887 --> 00:16:13,181
Um, were you
on "Night Court"?
478
00:16:13,181 --> 00:16:14,349
[chuckles sarcastically] No.
479
00:16:14,349 --> 00:16:16,685
I was principal
at Dorchester High.
480
00:16:16,685 --> 00:16:18,144
Oh, shit.
481
00:16:18,144 --> 00:16:21,147
Wait, isn't their mascot
just a guy with a knife?
482
00:16:21,147 --> 00:16:22,982
Technically,
Stabbers was a pirate.
483
00:16:22,982 --> 00:16:24,984
But yes, it was a little rough.
484
00:16:24,984 --> 00:16:26,528
I heard there
was one girl there
485
00:16:26,528 --> 00:16:28,905
who was only eight years older
than her own granddaughter.
486
00:16:28,905 --> 00:16:30,156
I'm afraid that's true.
487
00:16:30,156 --> 00:16:31,449
Well, how'd that work?
488
00:16:31,449 --> 00:16:33,159
Oh, it involved the
International Date Line.
489
00:16:33,159 --> 00:16:35,078
But the point is
490
00:16:35,078 --> 00:16:36,996
I watched a lot
of students stumble
491
00:16:36,996 --> 00:16:39,833
and drift through the system
to come out on the other side
492
00:16:39,833 --> 00:16:41,459
without any real education.
493
00:16:41,459 --> 00:16:43,378
Some of them did what
you're doing--
494
00:16:43,378 --> 00:16:45,839
testing the boundaries,
rebelling,
495
00:16:45,839 --> 00:16:47,382
hoping to get cut loose.
496
00:16:47,382 --> 00:16:48,925
OK.
497
00:16:48,925 --> 00:16:51,219
Well, I'm not going to let
the same thing happen here.
498
00:16:51,219 --> 00:16:53,346
Love that.
Don't like where this is going.
499
00:16:53,346 --> 00:16:55,181
You're going
to be an example.
500
00:16:55,181 --> 00:16:57,976
I'm not going to suspend you
or anything else.
501
00:16:57,976 --> 00:17:01,271
We are going to make a
successful student out of you.
502
00:17:01,271 --> 00:17:02,397
Now hang on a second--
503
00:17:02,397 --> 00:17:03,857
And you're
the perfect choice.
504
00:17:03,857 --> 00:17:07,527
So if you want to act up again,
just know if you do,
505
00:17:07,527 --> 00:17:09,529
it's not going to
change your situation.
506
00:17:09,529 --> 00:17:11,781
Oh, man, are you sure
I'm the right guy?
507
00:17:11,781 --> 00:17:13,867
There's a fat kid who
likes to touch dicks.
508
00:17:13,867 --> 00:17:15,660
You're late for class.
509
00:17:15,660 --> 00:17:17,412
[bell rings]
510
00:17:17,412 --> 00:17:20,248
{\an8}[upbeat jazz music]
511
00:17:20,248 --> 00:17:22,167
{\an8}Maybe I could just tell
Matty to go fuck himself.
512
00:17:22,167 --> 00:17:24,461
{\an8}No way, dude,
my dad's a sadist.
513
00:17:24,461 --> 00:17:26,212
He thought Vietnam was fun.
514
00:17:26,212 --> 00:17:27,589
Jesus, really?
515
00:17:27,589 --> 00:17:28,882
Yeah, he cried when
the helicopters came
516
00:17:28,882 --> 00:17:30,091
to pick him up.
517
00:17:30,091 --> 00:17:31,217
You don't want
to piss him off, man.
518
00:17:31,217 --> 00:17:32,135
He'll kick you
out of the house.
519
00:17:32,135 --> 00:17:33,470
You'll starve.
520
00:17:33,470 --> 00:17:34,763
What the hell kind
of fucked-up wish
521
00:17:34,763 --> 00:17:36,473
makes it so your teddy bear
comes to life,
522
00:17:36,473 --> 00:17:37,891
but he's still got to eat?
523
00:17:37,891 --> 00:17:41,102
[engine rumbling]
524
00:17:42,270 --> 00:17:44,773
Oh, man, there she is.
525
00:17:46,441 --> 00:17:48,151
Yeah, we got practice
in a half hour.
526
00:17:48,151 --> 00:17:51,279
[indistinct chatter]
527
00:17:55,784 --> 00:17:57,077
Did you see that?
528
00:17:57,077 --> 00:17:59,037
- What?
- That was a joint.
529
00:17:59,037 --> 00:18:00,538
Oh, shit.
530
00:18:00,538 --> 00:18:01,956
Teddy, that's your ticket
out of here.
531
00:18:01,956 --> 00:18:03,416
What?
What do you mean?
532
00:18:03,416 --> 00:18:05,293
You get caught with drugs
in school, you're gone.
533
00:18:05,293 --> 00:18:06,878
It's like zero tolerance here.
534
00:18:06,878 --> 00:18:08,797
Oh, fuck, wow.
535
00:18:08,797 --> 00:18:10,090
Hey, you ever smoked weed?
536
00:18:10,090 --> 00:18:11,841
- No.
- Yeah, me neither.
537
00:18:11,841 --> 00:18:14,594
Really?
The whole time you were famous?
538
00:18:14,594 --> 00:18:16,262
Yeah, I was afraid
my fur would catch on fire.
539
00:18:16,262 --> 00:18:17,764
I got no flame retardant.
540
00:18:17,764 --> 00:18:19,265
All right, well, anyway,
you don't got to smoke it.
541
00:18:19,265 --> 00:18:20,433
You just got to get caught
with it.
542
00:18:20,433 --> 00:18:22,018
Well, fuck,
let's go talk to her.
543
00:18:22,018 --> 00:18:23,269
You fucking kidding me?
544
00:18:23,269 --> 00:18:24,771
I'm not going to talk
to Sheila Borgwat.
545
00:18:24,771 --> 00:18:27,524
Borgwat? Fucking God,
it just keeps getting worse.
546
00:18:27,524 --> 00:18:29,693
No way, man. No, no.
I'm not going over there.
547
00:18:29,693 --> 00:18:31,236
Come on, Johnny,
you're not asking her out.
548
00:18:31,236 --> 00:18:32,529
You're just asking her
for drugs.
549
00:18:32,529 --> 00:18:33,863
You said you stare at her
every day.
550
00:18:33,863 --> 00:18:36,241
This is the perfect excuse
to go talk to her.
551
00:18:36,241 --> 00:18:38,410
No, man.
I got you this far, you do it.
552
00:18:38,410 --> 00:18:39,869
If you don't come with me,
553
00:18:39,869 --> 00:18:42,414
I will tell her you masturbate
to network television.
554
00:18:42,414 --> 00:18:43,748
You motherfucker.
555
00:18:43,748 --> 00:18:45,709
I will tell her you watch
"Full House"
556
00:18:45,709 --> 00:18:47,627
so you can jerk off
to Lori Loughlin,
557
00:18:47,627 --> 00:18:50,088
but that you can't always
predict how long the scene is,
558
00:18:50,088 --> 00:18:53,091
so half the time, you ejaculate
to an establishing shot.
559
00:18:53,091 --> 00:18:54,092
You wouldn't.
560
00:18:54,092 --> 00:18:56,261
Oh, Lori, oh, Lori!
561
00:18:56,261 --> 00:18:58,972
Oh, Lor--oh, fuck,
a tasteful duplex.
562
00:18:58,972 --> 00:19:02,892
[indistinct chatter]
563
00:19:02,892 --> 00:19:04,394
Excuse me.
564
00:19:04,394 --> 00:19:06,229
Hi.
Uh, hi, I'm uh--
565
00:19:06,229 --> 00:19:08,648
I'm John Bennett.
566
00:19:08,648 --> 00:19:09,691
Hi there.
567
00:19:09,691 --> 00:19:12,527
Ooh, you just,
uh, wash your hands?
568
00:19:12,527 --> 00:19:17,824
Uh, yeah, just when I--
you know, a while ago, not now.
569
00:19:17,824 --> 00:19:19,451
[chuckles nervously]
570
00:19:19,451 --> 00:19:23,163
I had diarrhea.
571
00:19:23,163 --> 00:19:24,330
Hi, I'm Ted.
572
00:19:24,330 --> 00:19:25,331
I'm Sheila.
573
00:19:25,331 --> 00:19:26,916
Oh, let's not ruin things.
574
00:19:26,916 --> 00:19:28,501
Hey, listen,
we couldn't help but notice
575
00:19:28,501 --> 00:19:31,046
you were smoking a little pot.
576
00:19:31,046 --> 00:19:33,506
Yeah, midterms, you know?
577
00:19:33,506 --> 00:19:34,799
What, are you going
to narc on me?
578
00:19:34,799 --> 00:19:36,426
- Oh, we're not judging.
- No, absolutely not.
579
00:19:36,426 --> 00:19:37,677
No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no,
580
00:19:37,677 --> 00:19:40,722
Teddy and I often partake of...
581
00:19:40,722 --> 00:19:42,098
el bowl.
582
00:19:42,098 --> 00:19:44,851
And the pot inside it, uh...
583
00:19:44,851 --> 00:19:45,894
cha-cha-cha.
584
00:19:48,480 --> 00:19:50,482
It wasn't much diarrhea.
585
00:19:50,482 --> 00:19:51,775
Can we have drugs, please?
586
00:19:51,775 --> 00:19:53,735
[chuckles] Sorry?
587
00:19:53,735 --> 00:19:55,195
We're just--
we're looking to get some weed.
588
00:19:55,195 --> 00:19:56,863
We thought maybe
you could help us out.
589
00:19:56,863 --> 00:19:59,866
Yeah, uh,
how old are you again?
590
00:19:59,866 --> 00:20:01,242
16 1/2.
591
00:20:01,242 --> 00:20:02,702
Oof.
592
00:20:02,702 --> 00:20:05,163
Yeah, sorry, bro,
that's not going to happen.
593
00:20:05,163 --> 00:20:06,581
It's not for him.
It's for me.
594
00:20:06,581 --> 00:20:09,000
Look, I get why you can't
give a high school kid pot.
595
00:20:09,000 --> 00:20:11,086
But talking teddy bears
are all good, right?
596
00:20:11,086 --> 00:20:12,379
We all take drugs.
597
00:20:12,379 --> 00:20:13,838
The fucking Care Bears
are all meth addicts,
598
00:20:13,838 --> 00:20:16,591
Paddington's on Quaaludes,
and Fozzie's a cokehead.
599
00:20:16,591 --> 00:20:18,843
You know he was in the room
when John Belushi died?
600
00:20:18,843 --> 00:20:20,553
Look,
I can't help you guys out.
601
00:20:20,553 --> 00:20:22,639
But if you want, I can hook
you up with my connection.
602
00:20:22,639 --> 00:20:24,224
Oh, that would be wonderful.
603
00:20:24,224 --> 00:20:27,352
And might I say, you are a
very beautiful woman, Shelly--
604
00:20:27,352 --> 00:20:28,395
Sheila.
605
00:20:28,395 --> 00:20:29,604
Oh, God, I know.
606
00:20:29,604 --> 00:20:32,774
[upbeat jazz music]
607
00:20:32,774 --> 00:20:39,781
♪ ♪
608
00:20:45,078 --> 00:20:46,371
All right, this is it.
609
00:20:46,371 --> 00:20:49,124
All right, this is
my allowance for the month.
610
00:20:49,124 --> 00:20:50,458
If Dad asks where it went,
611
00:20:50,458 --> 00:20:52,085
we bought tickets to see
"Schindler's List."
612
00:20:52,085 --> 00:20:53,920
What do you mean?
That's only like 8 bucks.
613
00:20:53,920 --> 00:20:55,296
Shit, you're right.
614
00:20:55,296 --> 00:20:56,798
Well, what did we do
with the rest?
615
00:20:56,798 --> 00:21:00,260
Uh, we were so moved that
we donated it to Jew causes.
616
00:21:00,260 --> 00:21:02,470
That is so nice of us.
617
00:21:02,470 --> 00:21:03,722
Maybe we should
actually do that.
618
00:21:03,722 --> 00:21:05,015
What, are you fucking crazy?
619
00:21:05,015 --> 00:21:06,349
Get your head in the game.
We got drugs to buy.
620
00:21:06,349 --> 00:21:07,517
Shit, sorry.
621
00:21:07,517 --> 00:21:09,436
Just be careful in there, OK?
622
00:21:09,436 --> 00:21:11,312
I hear some of these dealers
can be sketchy.
623
00:21:11,312 --> 00:21:12,772
Just don't get shot, buddy.
624
00:21:12,772 --> 00:21:14,733
Will you relax? I'll be fine.
I'll see you in a few.
625
00:21:18,194 --> 00:21:21,489
[baby crying]
626
00:21:21,489 --> 00:21:24,659
[dog barking]
627
00:21:29,497 --> 00:21:31,416
[Ted knocks at door]
628
00:21:32,459 --> 00:21:35,003
Hi, I'm here for the weed--
629
00:21:41,926 --> 00:21:43,762
No fucking way.
630
00:21:43,762 --> 00:21:44,929
Ted, what the hell
are you doing here?
631
00:21:44,929 --> 00:21:46,681
- It's you?
- Who gave you this address?
632
00:21:46,681 --> 00:21:48,516
Fucking Blaire sells pot?
633
00:21:48,516 --> 00:21:50,518
Jesus Christ.
Lower your voice.
634
00:21:50,518 --> 00:21:52,312
Get inside.
- [laughing]
635
00:21:52,312 --> 00:21:55,357
Oh, un-fucking believable.
636
00:21:55,357 --> 00:21:56,858
The fuck do you want?
637
00:21:56,858 --> 00:21:59,069
Wait, so I can't say midget,
but you can sell drugs?
638
00:21:59,069 --> 00:22:01,071
What's with all the noise?
639
00:22:01,071 --> 00:22:02,280
Who's this?
640
00:22:02,280 --> 00:22:03,531
This is Ted.
641
00:22:03,531 --> 00:22:05,325
Ted, this is my friend, Sarah.
642
00:22:05,325 --> 00:22:07,410
Oh, yeah.
Blaire mentioned you.
643
00:22:07,410 --> 00:22:10,330
You're that teddy bear that
came to life back in the '80s.
644
00:22:10,330 --> 00:22:12,832
Well, yeah, but I've done
other stuff since then.
645
00:22:12,832 --> 00:22:14,376
Like what?
646
00:22:14,376 --> 00:22:17,420
Um, I was the stand-in for
Ben Stiller in "Fresh Horses."
647
00:22:17,420 --> 00:22:18,421
Oh.
648
00:22:18,421 --> 00:22:20,090
Not a tall man.
649
00:22:20,090 --> 00:22:23,468
Um, hey, how come
you're selling weed anyway?
650
00:22:23,468 --> 00:22:25,887
Sarah and I grow it here
in her apartment,
651
00:22:25,887 --> 00:22:30,433
and we're using the money
to help pay for tuition.
652
00:22:30,433 --> 00:22:32,018
Ted, listen to me.
653
00:22:32,018 --> 00:22:34,688
You cannot tell Uncle Matty
and Aunt Suze, all right?
654
00:22:34,688 --> 00:22:36,231
They will kick me out
of the fucking house.
655
00:22:36,231 --> 00:22:37,649
It's hard enough
to pay for school.
656
00:22:37,649 --> 00:22:39,359
I can't afford
a higher rent too.
657
00:22:39,359 --> 00:22:41,027
Wait.
Matty charges you rent?
658
00:22:41,027 --> 00:22:42,612
Not as much as I pay
for an apartment,
659
00:22:42,612 --> 00:22:44,739
but still, 200 bucks a month.
660
00:22:44,739 --> 00:22:47,033
For that crappy room
over the garage?
661
00:22:47,033 --> 00:22:49,703
Jesus, Anne Frank wouldn't
be caught dead in that place.
662
00:22:50,662 --> 00:22:51,871
I'm allowed to make that joke.
663
00:22:51,871 --> 00:22:53,581
Johnny and I donate
to Jew causes.
664
00:22:53,581 --> 00:22:54,874
OK, well,
I still need the room,
665
00:22:54,874 --> 00:22:56,835
so you cannot
say a fucking word.
666
00:22:56,835 --> 00:22:58,712
Hey, look, man,
I'm not here to bust anybody.
667
00:22:58,712 --> 00:23:01,381
I just want the ganja.
668
00:23:01,381 --> 00:23:03,008
You've never smoked before,
have you?
669
00:23:03,008 --> 00:23:04,634
What are you--
what are you talking about?
670
00:23:04,634 --> 00:23:06,386
Yeah, I have.
I do lots of drugs.
671
00:23:06,386 --> 00:23:08,555
Yeah?
Like what?
672
00:23:08,555 --> 00:23:10,098
I'm on coke right now.
See?
673
00:23:10,098 --> 00:23:12,726
Grr! Oh, I'm so coked up
I just wanna write a novel
674
00:23:12,726 --> 00:23:14,227
and punch everything!
675
00:23:14,227 --> 00:23:15,270
Ow! Ow!
676
00:23:15,270 --> 00:23:16,604
Ah, just kidding.
677
00:23:16,604 --> 00:23:17,605
Doesn't hurt
'cause on account of the coke.
678
00:23:17,605 --> 00:23:18,898
Bullshit.
679
00:23:18,898 --> 00:23:19,816
I don't know what
I'm talking about.
680
00:23:19,816 --> 00:23:21,276
Please, can I have marijuana?
681
00:23:21,276 --> 00:23:23,069
[sighs]
Fine. You got cash?
682
00:23:23,069 --> 00:23:26,239
No. Wait. Sarah, we're--
we're not selling him pot.
683
00:23:26,239 --> 00:23:27,907
- Why not?
- Yeah, why not?
684
00:23:27,907 --> 00:23:29,868
Uh, are you
fucking high already?
685
00:23:29,868 --> 00:23:31,870
Your best friend,
my little cousin,
686
00:23:31,870 --> 00:23:33,538
is 16 years old.
687
00:23:33,538 --> 00:23:34,789
I'm not gonna enable him.
688
00:23:34,789 --> 00:23:36,082
Well, I'm not either.
689
00:23:36,082 --> 00:23:37,584
I'm not even gonna tell him
I have it.
690
00:23:37,584 --> 00:23:39,377
It's for me, Blaire.
I swear to God.
691
00:23:39,377 --> 00:23:40,837
When have I ever lied to you?
692
00:23:40,837 --> 00:23:42,881
Like ten seconds ago when
you said you were on coke.
693
00:23:42,881 --> 00:23:44,883
Well, yeah. But since then,
I've given it to you straight.
694
00:23:44,883 --> 00:23:48,094
Look, Blaire.
We need the money.
695
00:23:48,094 --> 00:23:49,137
Why not just do it?
696
00:23:49,137 --> 00:23:50,138
That's right, Blaire.
697
00:23:50,138 --> 00:23:51,931
You need the money,
I need this.
698
00:23:51,931 --> 00:23:54,100
Look, do you have any idea
what it's like
699
00:23:54,100 --> 00:23:55,935
to be the biggest star
in the world
700
00:23:55,935 --> 00:23:57,854
and then nobody
gives a shit about you?
701
00:23:57,854 --> 00:23:59,439
I'm friggin' Kirk Cameron.
702
00:23:59,439 --> 00:24:01,024
I gotta escape my demons,
703
00:24:01,024 --> 00:24:03,109
and it's either drugs
or the church.
704
00:24:03,109 --> 00:24:05,153
You know what they do
to guys my size?
705
00:24:05,153 --> 00:24:08,156
Oh, please, don't make me
suck a deacon's dick!
706
00:24:10,784 --> 00:24:13,828
[soft dramatic jazz music]
707
00:24:14,788 --> 00:24:16,289
We should smoke it.
708
00:24:16,289 --> 00:24:17,540
Wait, what?
709
00:24:17,540 --> 00:24:19,042
Johnny, this is my
ticket out of school.
710
00:24:19,042 --> 00:24:20,877
Yeah, I know.
I mean, not--not all of it.
711
00:24:20,877 --> 00:24:24,130
Just, you know, we smoke some
and save some for the plan.
712
00:24:24,130 --> 00:24:27,342
Well, Johnny, I--I promised
Blaire it was just for me.
713
00:24:27,342 --> 00:24:28,968
Teddy, think about it,
all right?
714
00:24:28,968 --> 00:24:31,429
I bet I'm the only kid
in school who hasn't smoked.
715
00:24:31,429 --> 00:24:32,931
I haven't smoked.
I haven't had sex.
716
00:24:32,931 --> 00:24:34,683
I haven't had a girlfriend.
717
00:24:34,683 --> 00:24:37,102
Clive's right.
I'm a fucking loser.
718
00:24:37,102 --> 00:24:39,187
I mean, you're like
my only real friend,
719
00:24:39,187 --> 00:24:41,314
and we're sitting here
with real pot.
720
00:24:41,314 --> 00:24:43,108
It's here in person.
721
00:24:43,108 --> 00:24:45,151
This could be the day
I start being cool.
722
00:24:45,151 --> 00:24:47,529
Yeah, today is the day you
told a girl you had diarrhea.
723
00:24:47,529 --> 00:24:49,197
Don't put too much weight
on today.
724
00:24:51,199 --> 00:24:53,618
Wait. Hang on, hang on.
- What?
725
00:24:53,618 --> 00:24:55,704
Well, you and me
have been best friends
726
00:24:55,704 --> 00:24:57,372
like our whole lives.
727
00:24:57,372 --> 00:25:00,208
We're about to get high
together for the first time.
728
00:25:00,208 --> 00:25:01,334
Yeah, so?
729
00:25:01,334 --> 00:25:03,461
Let's do this right.
730
00:25:03,461 --> 00:25:05,296
[formal drumbeat]
731
00:25:05,296 --> 00:25:08,258
[upbeat jazz music]
732
00:25:08,258 --> 00:25:15,223
♪ ♪
733
00:25:18,935 --> 00:25:20,270
Should we say grace?
734
00:25:20,270 --> 00:25:21,229
Oh, yeah, good idea.
735
00:25:23,064 --> 00:25:24,274
Hello, God.
736
00:25:24,274 --> 00:25:28,319
It's me, Ted,
one of your weirder creations.
737
00:25:28,319 --> 00:25:30,280
Sorry about what I said today.
738
00:25:30,280 --> 00:25:32,157
Not that your deacons
aren't attractive,
739
00:25:32,157 --> 00:25:35,326
but I'm saving my mouth
for marriage.
740
00:25:35,326 --> 00:25:38,371
Let us not be so high that
we have to call an ambulance.
741
00:25:38,371 --> 00:25:40,665
Amen.
742
00:25:41,499 --> 00:25:42,625
OK.
743
00:25:44,294 --> 00:25:46,212
Let there be light.
744
00:25:51,718 --> 00:25:54,637
[War's "Low Rider"]
745
00:25:54,637 --> 00:25:57,891
♪ ♪
746
00:25:57,891 --> 00:26:01,061
[upbeat funky music]
747
00:26:01,061 --> 00:26:05,190
♪ ♪
748
00:26:05,190 --> 00:26:09,235
♪ All my friends
know the low rider ♪
749
00:26:09,235 --> 00:26:11,780
♪ ♪
750
00:26:11,780 --> 00:26:16,117
♪ The low rider
is a little higher ♪
751
00:26:16,117 --> 00:26:23,124
♪ ♪
752
00:26:29,464 --> 00:26:34,511
[both vocalizing poorly]
753
00:26:34,511 --> 00:26:35,762
Yeah.
754
00:26:35,762 --> 00:26:40,100
[both vocalizing poorly]
755
00:26:40,100 --> 00:26:41,601
Hell yeah, man.
756
00:26:41,601 --> 00:26:45,146
[both vocalizing poorly]
757
00:26:47,816 --> 00:26:49,526
I was so fucking hungry.
758
00:26:49,526 --> 00:26:51,194
- I was so hungry too.
- Mm-hmm.
759
00:26:51,194 --> 00:26:52,362
It's so weird.
760
00:26:52,362 --> 00:26:54,447
You know,
this is like the perfect food
761
00:26:54,447 --> 00:26:55,824
for the perfect night.
762
00:26:55,824 --> 00:26:58,743
Yeah, like who invented food?
That guy rocks.
763
00:26:58,743 --> 00:27:01,621
Well, if I knew you guys were
going to get so gussied up,
764
00:27:01,621 --> 00:27:03,123
I would have made
something fancier.
765
00:27:03,123 --> 00:27:06,042
No, Mom.
This is perfect.
766
00:27:06,042 --> 00:27:07,627
These are perfect Steak-Umms.
767
00:27:07,627 --> 00:27:09,587
The perfect Steak-Umm.
768
00:27:09,587 --> 00:27:12,632
It's right here.
Just--just feel it.
769
00:27:12,632 --> 00:27:13,842
[sighs]
770
00:27:13,842 --> 00:27:15,677
I can feel your love
in this, Ma.
771
00:27:15,677 --> 00:27:18,638
I'm so happy
you love it so much.
772
00:27:18,638 --> 00:27:20,098
Jesus,
you guys are acting like
773
00:27:20,098 --> 00:27:22,225
it's today's special
at Legal Sea Food.
774
00:27:22,225 --> 00:27:24,477
It's fine.
775
00:27:24,477 --> 00:27:27,272
I think it's delicious, Suze.
776
00:27:27,272 --> 00:27:29,107
Can you guys believe
777
00:27:29,107 --> 00:27:31,151
that we're just, like,
we're sitting here,
778
00:27:31,151 --> 00:27:33,820
and we're, like,
having an experience
779
00:27:33,820 --> 00:27:36,656
and experiencing reality
all at once.
780
00:27:36,656 --> 00:27:38,283
Hey, Susan.
781
00:27:38,283 --> 00:27:41,661
Susan, I just wanna say
you have found your haircut.
782
00:27:41,661 --> 00:27:43,371
What, you think so?
783
00:27:43,371 --> 00:27:44,622
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
784
00:27:44,622 --> 00:27:47,167
You could ride this to 70,
and you'd be fine.
785
00:27:47,167 --> 00:27:50,920
Well, I just took a picture
of Tipper Gore into the salon,
786
00:27:50,920 --> 00:27:53,173
and I said, now,
I know it can't be like that,
787
00:27:53,173 --> 00:27:55,342
but try to get it
as close as you can.
788
00:27:55,342 --> 00:27:57,469
And so well, uh--
789
00:27:57,469 --> 00:27:59,596
Tipper Gore should
bring in a picture of you.
790
00:27:59,596 --> 00:28:00,930
Stop it.
791
00:28:00,930 --> 00:28:04,976
[laughing]
This night.
792
00:28:04,976 --> 00:28:08,021
Is there a fucking gas leak
or something?
793
00:28:11,816 --> 00:28:13,234
It's funny.
794
00:28:13,234 --> 00:28:14,319
I ate all those Steak-Umms,
and I'm still hungry.
795
00:28:14,319 --> 00:28:16,488
Oh, fuck.
These are so good.
796
00:28:16,488 --> 00:28:17,864
So good.
797
00:28:17,864 --> 00:28:19,532
And look at the
intricate carvings.
798
00:28:19,532 --> 00:28:21,159
Yeah.
799
00:28:21,159 --> 00:28:22,702
Yeah, is this
some Illuminati shit?
800
00:28:22,702 --> 00:28:23,953
That's what I've heard.
801
00:28:23,953 --> 00:28:26,831
Like, if you can decipher
what's on an Oreo,
802
00:28:26,831 --> 00:28:28,750
you can know the mind of God.
803
00:28:28,750 --> 00:28:30,835
I heard no two Oreos
are alike.
804
00:28:30,835 --> 00:28:32,462
Hey.
805
00:28:32,462 --> 00:28:34,422
What a great conversation.
806
00:28:35,965 --> 00:28:37,133
I fucking knew it.
807
00:28:37,133 --> 00:28:38,760
- Oh, shit!
- Hi, Blaire.
808
00:28:38,760 --> 00:28:40,261
You guys are stoned.
809
00:28:40,261 --> 00:28:42,055
Look, Blaire, Blaire,
it's a little more complicated.
810
00:28:42,055 --> 00:28:44,557
No, you fucking swore
it was just for you.
811
00:28:44,557 --> 00:28:45,809
All right.
OK.
812
00:28:45,809 --> 00:28:47,394
I didn't wanna have
to resort to this.
813
00:28:47,394 --> 00:28:48,853
[squeaky voice]
I love you.
814
00:28:48,853 --> 00:28:50,897
See? Now you're not
mad at me anymore.
815
00:28:50,897 --> 00:28:52,607
And fuck you, by the way.
816
00:28:52,607 --> 00:28:53,733
I've been trying for two weeks
817
00:28:53,733 --> 00:28:55,068
to get Susan to fix
that haircut.
818
00:28:55,068 --> 00:28:57,070
Blaire, listen.
It's my fault.
819
00:28:57,070 --> 00:28:58,822
He tried to say no,
and I pressured him.
820
00:28:58,822 --> 00:29:00,407
No, no, no.
You're 16, all right?
821
00:29:00,407 --> 00:29:02,409
He's a talking teddy bear.
It's his fucking fault.
822
00:29:02,409 --> 00:29:04,411
OK, look, look, look.
I think if we all just take
823
00:29:04,411 --> 00:29:07,038
a couple of deep breaths here
and just try--
824
00:29:08,206 --> 00:29:09,332
Fuck!
825
00:29:17,757 --> 00:29:19,426
Ted?
826
00:29:19,426 --> 00:29:21,428
Come on, where the hell are you?
I just want to talk.
827
00:29:21,428 --> 00:29:23,972
Yeah, bullshit!
828
00:29:23,972 --> 00:29:25,348
How the hell did
you get up there?
829
00:29:25,348 --> 00:29:26,599
Climbed the drainpipe.
830
00:29:26,599 --> 00:29:28,768
OK, well,
why don't you come on down here
831
00:29:28,768 --> 00:29:30,353
and we can discuss
the situation?
832
00:29:30,353 --> 00:29:32,022
No, 'cause you're
gonna come at me.
833
00:29:32,022 --> 00:29:33,606
I-I'm not.
I promise.
834
00:29:33,606 --> 00:29:34,816
It wasn't my fault.
835
00:29:34,816 --> 00:29:37,527
Oh, my God, your boy,
he's on the roof!
836
00:29:37,527 --> 00:29:38,862
It's all right, Mrs. Fechko.
837
00:29:38,862 --> 00:29:40,530
I'll call
the fire department!
838
00:29:40,530 --> 00:29:41,990
That's really not necessary.
839
00:29:41,990 --> 00:29:43,825
But your son,
he's gonna fall!
840
00:29:43,825 --> 00:29:45,493
He's not.
841
00:29:45,493 --> 00:29:46,619
Yeah, there's a lot here
842
00:29:46,619 --> 00:29:48,329
you're not understanding,
Mrs. Fechhko.
843
00:29:48,329 --> 00:29:50,290
For God's sake, you've
been listening to the news?
844
00:29:50,290 --> 00:29:52,500
Eisenhower says
we all gotta stay inside!
845
00:29:52,500 --> 00:29:54,461
Oh, my God!
846
00:29:54,461 --> 00:29:57,088
[door slams]
- Ted, get down here, OK?
847
00:29:57,088 --> 00:29:58,715
I'm not gonna talk to you
like this.
848
00:29:58,715 --> 00:29:59,841
Yeah, well, tough shit.
849
00:29:59,841 --> 00:30:01,092
I'm gonna live up here
from now on.
850
00:30:01,092 --> 00:30:02,677
That's insane.
You're insane.
851
00:30:02,677 --> 00:30:04,095
No, I'm not.
852
00:30:04,095 --> 00:30:06,431
I'll get Johnny to bring me
food and maybe even soil
853
00:30:06,431 --> 00:30:08,475
so I can grow crops
right here in the rain gutter.
854
00:30:08,475 --> 00:30:10,685
And if the weather's temperate,
by harvest season,
855
00:30:10,685 --> 00:30:11,853
I'll be able to--
856
00:30:12,812 --> 00:30:14,022
Fuck!
857
00:30:15,690 --> 00:30:17,692
OK, you little shit,
you are in a lot of trouble.
858
00:30:17,692 --> 00:30:18,777
Look, it was--
859
00:30:18,777 --> 00:30:20,153
You gave pot
to a 16-year-old.
860
00:30:20,153 --> 00:30:21,946
I mean, what the fuck
were you thinking?
861
00:30:21,946 --> 00:30:23,490
Well, on the bright side,
he loved it.
862
00:30:23,490 --> 00:30:25,075
I sold that pot to you.
863
00:30:25,075 --> 00:30:26,242
Yeah, you were wrong
to do that.
864
00:30:26,242 --> 00:30:27,702
You do realize
I am now responsible
865
00:30:27,702 --> 00:30:30,205
for introducing drugs
to my underage cousin?
866
00:30:30,205 --> 00:30:31,748
I could be
in really deep shit here.
867
00:30:31,748 --> 00:30:33,958
Boy, it must be cool
being this tall all the time.
868
00:30:33,958 --> 00:30:35,919
Get rid of that weed
or so help me God,
869
00:30:35,919 --> 00:30:37,212
you are going
in the fucking dryer.
870
00:30:37,212 --> 00:30:38,838
Oh, big deal.
I've been in dryers.
871
00:30:38,838 --> 00:30:40,006
I'll put you in a Matty load.
872
00:30:40,006 --> 00:30:41,174
OK, fuck.
I'll do it. I'll do it.
873
00:30:43,009 --> 00:30:45,929
[upbeat jazz music]
874
00:30:45,929 --> 00:30:49,557
♪ ♪
875
00:30:49,557 --> 00:30:51,518
OK. So we plant the weed
in my locker.
876
00:30:51,518 --> 00:30:53,436
Then you go to the principal
and rat me out.
877
00:30:53,436 --> 00:30:56,147
She searches my locker,
and boom, it's back to Plinko.
878
00:30:56,147 --> 00:30:58,108
- All right.
- Not yet, not yet.
879
00:30:58,108 --> 00:30:59,317
We gotta wait till
the bell rings.
880
00:30:59,317 --> 00:31:01,653
- Yeah, sorry.
- Just act normal.
881
00:31:01,653 --> 00:31:03,029
Right now, we're just two guys
882
00:31:03,029 --> 00:31:04,656
standing here,
having a conversation.
883
00:31:04,656 --> 00:31:05,907
Yeah.
884
00:31:05,907 --> 00:31:07,367
About what?
885
00:31:07,367 --> 00:31:10,453
I don't know. Uh,
what's the last movie you saw?
886
00:31:10,453 --> 00:31:12,956
- Uh, "Alive."
- Which one's that?
887
00:31:12,956 --> 00:31:15,375
Oh, it's the one where
the rugby team crashes
888
00:31:15,375 --> 00:31:18,128
in the Andes in the '70s
and they ran out of food,
889
00:31:18,128 --> 00:31:19,254
so they had to eat each other.
890
00:31:19,254 --> 00:31:21,798
- You're kidding.
- No, it's a true story.
891
00:31:21,798 --> 00:31:24,426
Like--like, eat each other
alive like they're trading?
892
00:31:24,426 --> 00:31:26,469
Like, you give me your hand,
I give you my foot?
893
00:31:26,469 --> 00:31:27,721
No, no.
894
00:31:27,721 --> 00:31:29,264
It's like some of the guys
died in the crash,
895
00:31:29,264 --> 00:31:31,057
and then the ones that survived
had to eat the dead guys.
896
00:31:31,057 --> 00:31:34,102
Oh, man.
Yeah, I--I couldn't do that.
897
00:31:34,102 --> 00:31:36,062
Me neither, man.
898
00:31:36,062 --> 00:31:37,897
Plus, it's all dudes,
so it's even worse.
899
00:31:37,897 --> 00:31:39,816
Yeah--what?
900
00:31:39,816 --> 00:31:41,192
It's all dudes, you know?
901
00:31:41,192 --> 00:31:43,570
You're eating guys.
It's like double gross.
902
00:31:43,570 --> 00:31:45,071
Well, I mean--I mean,
903
00:31:45,071 --> 00:31:47,824
I would think it would be
objectionable across the board.
904
00:31:47,824 --> 00:31:51,411
No, no. Yeah, it would.
It's just like a hat on a hat.
905
00:31:51,411 --> 00:31:53,663
So if you were
on a plane that crashed
906
00:31:53,663 --> 00:31:56,499
and Tom Hanks and Diane Keaton
were on it too,
907
00:31:56,499 --> 00:31:58,251
and they died
and you survived,
908
00:31:58,251 --> 00:31:59,544
who would you eat first?
909
00:31:59,544 --> 00:32:01,212
Am I the only other person
on the plane?
910
00:32:01,212 --> 00:32:02,464
- Yeah.
- What about the pilots?
911
00:32:02,464 --> 00:32:04,257
It's an experimental
aircraft, all automated.
912
00:32:04,257 --> 00:32:05,633
Well, maybe that's why
it went down.
913
00:32:05,633 --> 00:32:07,385
But the technology
still needed more study, yes,
914
00:32:07,385 --> 00:32:08,845
but the Pentagon was
getting impatient
915
00:32:08,845 --> 00:32:10,847
and they wanted results,
so they pushed up the launch.
916
00:32:10,847 --> 00:32:12,682
Wait, why wouldn't they have
a seasoned flight crew on board
917
00:32:12,682 --> 00:32:13,808
instead of two actors?
918
00:32:13,808 --> 00:32:15,268
Oscar-winning actors.
919
00:32:15,268 --> 00:32:17,062
- Fair enough.
- These are taxpayer dollars.
920
00:32:17,062 --> 00:32:18,146
They need the public's interest
921
00:32:18,146 --> 00:32:19,647
or support for the funding
dries up.
922
00:32:19,647 --> 00:32:21,733
Wait, since when does the
military need public support
923
00:32:21,733 --> 00:32:23,276
to fund experimental aircraft?
924
00:32:23,276 --> 00:32:25,111
Would you eat Tom Hanks
or Diane Keaton?
925
00:32:25,111 --> 00:32:26,279
I'd start with Diane
926
00:32:26,279 --> 00:32:27,197
and then if
I didn't get rescued,
927
00:32:27,197 --> 00:32:28,406
I'd move on to Tom.
928
00:32:28,406 --> 00:32:29,574
Yeah, see?
929
00:32:29,574 --> 00:32:30,784
I think it's weird
that you have an opinion
930
00:32:30,784 --> 00:32:31,785
one way or the other.
931
00:32:31,785 --> 00:32:33,411
[bell ringing]
932
00:32:33,411 --> 00:32:35,038
OK. Here we go.
Let me have it.
933
00:32:38,833 --> 00:32:41,169
Man, we really put a dent
in this thing, didn't we?
934
00:32:41,169 --> 00:32:43,171
Whoa.
What have we got here?
935
00:32:43,171 --> 00:32:44,255
Oh, shit.
936
00:32:44,255 --> 00:32:45,799
Bennett, you partake?
937
00:32:45,799 --> 00:32:46,800
Give it back, Clive.
938
00:32:46,800 --> 00:32:48,468
John Bennett gets high.
939
00:32:48,468 --> 00:32:50,679
Maybe you're not as much
of a pussy as I thought.
940
00:32:50,679 --> 00:32:52,347
That is a very important
bag of weed.
941
00:32:52,347 --> 00:32:53,848
Now, I know where
to get a free buzz.
942
00:32:53,848 --> 00:32:54,974
Thanks, Bud.
943
00:32:54,974 --> 00:32:56,184
[locker crashes loudly]
944
00:32:56,184 --> 00:32:57,644
[bullies laugh]
- God damn it, Clive.
945
00:32:57,644 --> 00:32:58,895
We need that weed!
946
00:32:58,895 --> 00:33:01,022
[Ted yells]
947
00:33:01,022 --> 00:33:02,148
Teddy!
948
00:33:02,148 --> 00:33:04,067
- Shit.
- Teddy, are you OK?
949
00:33:04,067 --> 00:33:05,443
[Ted groans]
950
00:33:05,443 --> 00:33:07,153
What the hell are you two
doing out here?
951
00:33:07,153 --> 00:33:09,322
Get to class now.
952
00:33:09,322 --> 00:33:13,326
Um, "227" sucks balls
and so do you.
953
00:33:15,412 --> 00:33:17,163
OK, now, you know
I didn't mean that.
954
00:33:17,163 --> 00:33:19,165
I just needed a reason
to be dragged in here.
955
00:33:19,165 --> 00:33:21,334
Look, you can trash-talk me,
Ted,
956
00:33:21,334 --> 00:33:23,795
but nobody throws shade
at Pearl Shay.
957
00:33:23,795 --> 00:33:25,213
Yes.
I apologize.
958
00:33:25,213 --> 00:33:27,298
We have all benefited
from her windowsill wisdom.
959
00:33:27,298 --> 00:33:28,633
She is a national treasure.
960
00:33:28,633 --> 00:33:30,885
But listen, you gotta
kick me out of school.
961
00:33:30,885 --> 00:33:32,554
Ted, I already told you.
962
00:33:32,554 --> 00:33:33,847
I have weed.
963
00:33:33,847 --> 00:33:35,098
What?
964
00:33:35,098 --> 00:33:36,099
I am in possession
of marijuana
965
00:33:36,099 --> 00:33:37,600
here on school premises.
966
00:33:37,600 --> 00:33:39,185
May I see it?
967
00:33:39,185 --> 00:33:41,855
Well, I--I lost it.
968
00:33:41,855 --> 00:33:43,064
You lost it?
969
00:33:43,064 --> 00:33:44,858
Yeah, but--but
he had weed, all right?
970
00:33:44,858 --> 00:33:46,026
I'm a witness.
971
00:33:46,026 --> 00:33:47,444
I would need
to see the marijuana
972
00:33:47,444 --> 00:33:49,154
for there to be consequences.
973
00:33:49,154 --> 00:33:50,530
Look, we are
telling you the truth.
974
00:33:50,530 --> 00:33:52,490
Yeah, I'm a bad seed.
See? Look.
975
00:33:52,490 --> 00:33:53,575
[squeaky voice]
I love you.
976
00:33:53,575 --> 00:33:54,576
Drugs!
977
00:33:54,576 --> 00:33:55,618
I love drugs.
978
00:33:55,618 --> 00:33:56,911
I'm sorry, boys.
979
00:33:56,911 --> 00:33:58,872
I can't just take your word
that you have pot.
980
00:33:58,872 --> 00:34:01,249
Ah, this is bullshit, man.
I'm getting railroaded.
981
00:34:01,249 --> 00:34:02,876
All right, look,
Clive has it, all right?
982
00:34:02,876 --> 00:34:04,169
Go check.
- Clive?
983
00:34:04,169 --> 00:34:05,670
Yeah.
984
00:34:05,670 --> 00:34:07,589
Well then, if Clive has it,
he's the one in trouble.
985
00:34:07,589 --> 00:34:10,133
No, no. It's not his weed.
He was just holding it for me.
986
00:34:10,133 --> 00:34:11,926
OK.
We're done here.
987
00:34:11,926 --> 00:34:13,303
All right.
It's OK.
988
00:34:13,303 --> 00:34:15,889
This motherfucking bear's
got a backup plan.
989
00:34:15,889 --> 00:34:18,892
[mellow jazz music]
990
00:34:18,892 --> 00:34:22,729
♪ ♪
991
00:34:22,729 --> 00:34:23,855
All right, it's clear.
992
00:34:25,357 --> 00:34:27,442
Teddy, I don't like this.
It's stealing.
993
00:34:27,442 --> 00:34:29,402
What am I supposed to do?
Just ask her for it?
994
00:34:29,402 --> 00:34:31,488
She'll shove me in the dryer
with Matty's clothes.
995
00:34:31,488 --> 00:34:32,655
Well, how bad could that be?
996
00:34:32,655 --> 00:34:35,241
Matty changed his pants
during dinner.
997
00:34:35,241 --> 00:34:36,409
Yeah, that's bad.
998
00:34:36,409 --> 00:34:37,786
All right, let's find it.
999
00:34:42,957 --> 00:34:44,668
- Jesus.
- What?
1000
00:34:44,668 --> 00:34:47,587
There's a whole drawer here
that's just cans of tuna.
1001
00:34:47,587 --> 00:34:48,588
How sad.
1002
00:34:50,256 --> 00:34:51,341
Wait.
Wait.
1003
00:34:51,341 --> 00:34:52,634
Oh, fuck yeah.
1004
00:34:52,634 --> 00:34:55,095
- You found it?
- Jackpot.
1005
00:34:55,095 --> 00:34:56,262
Great.
Let's go.
1006
00:34:56,721 --> 00:34:59,391
[approaching
indistinct chatter]
1007
00:34:59,391 --> 00:35:00,684
Fuck.
- Shit.
1008
00:35:00,684 --> 00:35:02,018
Let's go in here.
1009
00:35:02,018 --> 00:35:04,938
[approaching
indistinct chatter]
1010
00:35:04,938 --> 00:35:06,773
All the way over and dances.
1011
00:35:06,773 --> 00:35:08,024
Hang on a sec.
1012
00:35:08,024 --> 00:35:09,442
I think I have a pack
around here somewhere.
1013
00:35:09,442 --> 00:35:11,444
Oh, thank you so much.
1014
00:35:11,444 --> 00:35:14,072
The CVS only had
the men's razors,
1015
00:35:14,072 --> 00:35:17,534
and I think those
are only for faces.
1016
00:35:17,534 --> 00:35:19,452
- There you go.
- Thank you.
1017
00:35:19,452 --> 00:35:20,870
You know, it's the '90s,
Aunt Suze.
1018
00:35:20,870 --> 00:35:23,206
You can go without shaving
your legs if you want.
1019
00:35:23,206 --> 00:35:27,002
Oh.
[laughs]
1020
00:35:27,002 --> 00:35:28,378
When I was in high school,
1021
00:35:28,378 --> 00:35:31,172
I used to forget sometimes
and I'd get made fun of.
1022
00:35:31,172 --> 00:35:33,091
Oh, really?
I hate that.
1023
00:35:33,091 --> 00:35:35,802
It's probably why
I'm so self-conscious about it.
1024
00:35:35,802 --> 00:35:38,388
[sighs]
1025
00:35:38,388 --> 00:35:41,057
Can I ask you something?
1026
00:35:41,057 --> 00:35:43,518
Yeah, sure.
Anything.
1027
00:35:43,518 --> 00:35:45,520
One of the girls who
used to make fun of me,
1028
00:35:45,520 --> 00:35:48,273
her name was Margie Cronin.
1029
00:35:48,273 --> 00:35:51,151
She used to call me Sasquatch.
1030
00:35:51,151 --> 00:35:53,820
She was so mean to me
in school,
1031
00:35:53,820 --> 00:35:57,615
and afterward, we didn't see
each other for a long time.
1032
00:35:57,615 --> 00:35:59,617
And then about a year ago,
1033
00:35:59,617 --> 00:36:02,662
I saw in the flatware
department at Bradley's.
1034
00:36:02,662 --> 00:36:05,915
And I saw that
she'd lost a hand.
1035
00:36:05,915 --> 00:36:09,794
And I was so happy about it.
1036
00:36:09,794 --> 00:36:12,213
Does it make me
a terrible person?
1037
00:36:12,213 --> 00:36:15,300
I don't--I don't think so.
1038
00:36:15,300 --> 00:36:17,886
Because I felt so awful
about my feelings.
1039
00:36:17,886 --> 00:36:20,680
And I went to confession
and Father O'Neill said,
1040
00:36:20,680 --> 00:36:23,975
"Well, God wouldn't approve
of that."
1041
00:36:23,975 --> 00:36:27,228
Maybe this Christmas
I should make her a mitten.
1042
00:36:27,228 --> 00:36:28,855
Uh, maybe.
1043
00:36:28,855 --> 00:36:30,607
With a pretty,
little card that says,
1044
00:36:30,607 --> 00:36:32,525
"I'm sorry for your hand."
1045
00:36:32,525 --> 00:36:34,819
I would just
let that one lie.
1046
00:36:34,819 --> 00:36:37,280
[skittering]
1047
00:36:37,280 --> 00:36:38,990
[both yell briefly]
1048
00:36:38,990 --> 00:36:40,700
What was that noise?
1049
00:36:40,700 --> 00:36:42,410
I think someone's
in the closet.
1050
00:36:44,579 --> 00:36:45,997
- W-w-what's that?
- It's Mace.
1051
00:36:45,997 --> 00:36:47,374
Just be careful.
1052
00:36:50,543 --> 00:36:53,672
[all screaming]
1053
00:36:53,672 --> 00:36:55,298
both: Fuck!
- What the fuck?
1054
00:36:55,298 --> 00:36:56,549
Oh, it burns!
1055
00:36:56,549 --> 00:36:58,218
Why the fuck
do you have Mace?
1056
00:36:58,218 --> 00:36:59,719
Why the fuck are you
in my closet?
1057
00:36:59,719 --> 00:37:01,554
What, do you protect
your tuna collection with that?
1058
00:37:01,554 --> 00:37:02,639
Answer the question.
1059
00:37:02,639 --> 00:37:04,557
Why do you have
the fucking tuna?
1060
00:37:04,557 --> 00:37:06,601
Are you scared to eat our food?
What is it?
1061
00:37:06,601 --> 00:37:07,977
Answer my question.
1062
00:37:07,977 --> 00:37:10,063
[Ted screaming]
- Teddy! Teddy, where are you?
1063
00:37:10,063 --> 00:37:11,064
Oh, my God.
1064
00:37:11,064 --> 00:37:13,233
Uh, is that mary-ja-wana?
1065
00:37:13,233 --> 00:37:14,526
Oh, shit.
1066
00:37:14,526 --> 00:37:16,152
What are you
doing with drugs?
1067
00:37:16,152 --> 00:37:17,237
Aunt Suze.
1068
00:37:17,237 --> 00:37:19,197
[Johnny and Ted screaming]
1069
00:37:19,197 --> 00:37:20,949
This is my fault.
1070
00:37:20,949 --> 00:37:22,784
[Johnny wailing]
1071
00:37:23,576 --> 00:37:25,495
We opened our home to you.
1072
00:37:25,495 --> 00:37:27,747
We let you stay here
in our house
1073
00:37:27,747 --> 00:37:29,249
so you could go
to that goddamn school.
1074
00:37:29,249 --> 00:37:32,502
I know, Uncle Matty.
And believe me, I am so sorry.
1075
00:37:32,502 --> 00:37:35,088
And you pay us back
by dealing drugs to our son?
1076
00:37:35,088 --> 00:37:37,549
I never wanted John to
get involved, I promise you.
1077
00:37:37,549 --> 00:37:38,758
I sold the pot to Ted.
1078
00:37:38,758 --> 00:37:40,427
I never should have
let Johnny try it.
1079
00:37:40,427 --> 00:37:42,595
I have failed in my role
as a--a--
1080
00:37:42,595 --> 00:37:44,889
a sort of
Jiminy Cricket figure.
1081
00:37:44,889 --> 00:37:46,349
I don't know what
the big deal is.
1082
00:37:46,349 --> 00:37:48,309
You know, weed's gonna be legal
in like a year anyway.
1083
00:37:48,309 --> 00:37:51,604
It's a gateway drug!
They talk about it on the news!
1084
00:37:51,604 --> 00:37:52,856
Well, what are
we supposed to do?
1085
00:37:52,856 --> 00:37:54,315
Start with heroin?
1086
00:37:54,315 --> 00:37:58,111
Well, why in God's name
are you dealing drugs at all?
1087
00:37:58,111 --> 00:38:01,573
My friend, Sarah and I,
we grow it in her apartment,
1088
00:38:01,573 --> 00:38:04,868
and we're using the money
to help pay for tuition.
1089
00:38:04,868 --> 00:38:06,453
Well, you--you can't work
at McDonald's?
1090
00:38:06,453 --> 00:38:07,954
It's 15k a year, Matty.
1091
00:38:07,954 --> 00:38:09,914
I'd have to sell myself
at McDonald's.
1092
00:38:09,914 --> 00:38:11,875
Oh, you could call it
Filet-O-Flesh.
1093
00:38:11,875 --> 00:38:13,001
Is that something?
1094
00:38:13,001 --> 00:38:14,336
She won't even work,
and here we are
1095
00:38:14,336 --> 00:38:15,587
putting her up out
of the goodness of our hearts!
1096
00:38:15,587 --> 00:38:17,047
Egg McFuckin', maybe?
1097
00:38:17,047 --> 00:38:18,965
The goodness of your hearts
and a monthly rent check.
1098
00:38:18,965 --> 00:38:20,425
A Quarter To Pound Her?
1099
00:38:20,425 --> 00:38:22,135
I--should I stop? I feel like
there's no traction here.
1100
00:38:22,135 --> 00:38:23,553
Matty?
1101
00:38:23,553 --> 00:38:25,221
You're charging her rent?
1102
00:38:25,221 --> 00:38:26,639
Yes, I am.
1103
00:38:26,639 --> 00:38:29,059
This is my house.
I got the right to charge rent.
1104
00:38:29,059 --> 00:38:30,643
But, Matty, she's family.
1105
00:38:30,643 --> 00:38:32,103
- Susan.
- She's our niece.
1106
00:38:32,103 --> 00:38:33,855
Susan, will you be quiet
and let me handle this?
1107
00:38:33,855 --> 00:38:35,815
Hey, don't talk to her
like that.
1108
00:38:35,815 --> 00:38:37,067
Excuse me?
1109
00:38:37,067 --> 00:38:38,193
You do this all the time.
1110
00:38:38,193 --> 00:38:39,861
You silence her voice,
you belittle her,
1111
00:38:39,861 --> 00:38:42,447
you cut her down,
you treat her like shit.
1112
00:38:42,447 --> 00:38:43,698
I do not.
1113
00:38:43,698 --> 00:38:46,159
I love my fucking wife,
and she knows it.
1114
00:38:46,159 --> 00:38:47,410
Don't you, Susan?
1115
00:38:47,410 --> 00:38:49,579
I can't believe
you'd make her pay rent.
1116
00:38:49,579 --> 00:38:51,831
Hey, hey, hey, I'm not
the one in the hot seat here.
1117
00:38:51,831 --> 00:38:54,501
She's a drug dealer, and I want
her out of this house tonight.
1118
00:38:54,501 --> 00:38:55,669
Matty, please.
1119
00:38:55,669 --> 00:38:58,380
End of discussion!
Tonight!
1120
00:38:58,380 --> 00:39:00,382
Come on.
Wait.
1121
00:39:05,470 --> 00:39:09,099
Christie! That was
the Black Barbie's name.
1122
00:39:15,563 --> 00:39:18,483
[downbeat jazz music]
1123
00:39:18,483 --> 00:39:25,657
♪ ♪
1124
00:39:30,161 --> 00:39:33,832
Hey, Blaire, uh,
can we talk to you for a sec?
1125
00:39:33,832 --> 00:39:35,083
Sure.
1126
00:39:35,083 --> 00:39:37,544
Got a couple minutes
before I become homeless.
1127
00:39:37,544 --> 00:39:41,339
Hey, listen, Blaire.
Uh, I'm really sorry.
1128
00:39:41,339 --> 00:39:42,716
Me too.
1129
00:39:42,716 --> 00:39:45,427
Yeah, well,
it's a little late for that.
1130
00:39:45,427 --> 00:39:47,512
We didn't want you
to have to leave.
1131
00:39:47,512 --> 00:39:50,181
Even if your bed is the size
of a pool table.
1132
00:39:50,181 --> 00:39:51,141
I mean, that's probably about
1133
00:39:51,141 --> 00:39:52,142
the size of a pool table, right?
1134
00:39:52,142 --> 00:39:54,310
Shut the fuck up, Teddy.
1135
00:39:54,310 --> 00:39:56,604
Look, we know you're mad
because Dad gave you the boot.
1136
00:39:56,604 --> 00:39:58,898
But--
- Yeah, that's not why I'm mad.
1137
00:39:58,898 --> 00:40:02,235
You have no idea why I'm mad.
1138
00:40:02,235 --> 00:40:05,530
Do you know all the details
of why I've been living here
1139
00:40:05,530 --> 00:40:08,450
when my own family
lives 45 minutes away?
1140
00:40:08,450 --> 00:40:09,993
I could easily
commute to school,
1141
00:40:09,993 --> 00:40:14,581
but my family is fucked,
every one of them.
1142
00:40:14,581 --> 00:40:17,667
In case you don't get
the scope of things,
1143
00:40:17,667 --> 00:40:21,129
my dad, your Uncle Bernie,
is a drunk and an asshole,
1144
00:40:21,129 --> 00:40:24,632
my mom's a psycho lunatic,
and my brother's in prison.
1145
00:40:24,632 --> 00:40:26,468
Jesus.
What about your dog?
1146
00:40:26,468 --> 00:40:27,469
Dead.
1147
00:40:27,469 --> 00:40:28,762
Fuck.
1148
00:40:28,762 --> 00:40:30,764
Mom and Dad are lost causes,
but...
1149
00:40:30,764 --> 00:40:34,267
I tried so hard
to protect Kevin.
1150
00:40:34,267 --> 00:40:36,102
And I couldn't.
1151
00:40:36,102 --> 00:40:38,646
He's his parents' son,
so now he's serving ten years
1152
00:40:38,646 --> 00:40:40,690
for robbing a Mrs. Fields
at gunpoint
1153
00:40:40,690 --> 00:40:42,108
and possession of crack.
1154
00:40:42,108 --> 00:40:44,152
Well, I mean,
Mrs. Fields and crack.
1155
00:40:44,152 --> 00:40:45,612
It's like
what's the difference, right?
1156
00:40:45,612 --> 00:40:47,155
[Ted chuckles awkwardly]
1157
00:40:47,155 --> 00:40:48,365
Please, continue.
1158
00:40:48,365 --> 00:40:50,033
Look, I just--
1159
00:40:50,033 --> 00:40:52,660
I don't want the same thing
to happen to you.
1160
00:40:52,660 --> 00:40:54,788
And when I moved here,
I told myself
1161
00:40:54,788 --> 00:40:56,915
that I was gonna look after you
1162
00:40:56,915 --> 00:40:59,125
and make sure
the fucked up Bennett DNA
1163
00:40:59,125 --> 00:41:00,710
didn't get to you too.
1164
00:41:00,710 --> 00:41:02,921
And instead,
I introduced you
1165
00:41:02,921 --> 00:41:05,715
to the wonderful world
of drugs.
1166
00:41:05,715 --> 00:41:10,762
I'm not mad at you, all right?
I'm mad at myself.
1167
00:41:10,762 --> 00:41:13,139
Look, Blaire, I--
1168
00:41:13,139 --> 00:41:16,601
I never expected you
to look out for me like that.
1169
00:41:16,601 --> 00:41:21,356
Just take care of yourself,
all right?
1170
00:41:21,356 --> 00:41:23,358
Our family is poison.
1171
00:41:23,358 --> 00:41:26,152
Do better than them.
1172
00:41:26,152 --> 00:41:28,488
Where you gonna go?
1173
00:41:28,488 --> 00:41:30,615
Stay with Sarah
for a few weeks.
1174
00:41:30,615 --> 00:41:32,534
There's an open spot
near the sativa.
1175
00:41:32,534 --> 00:41:36,788
But after that, I don't know.
1176
00:41:39,207 --> 00:41:40,709
See you.
1177
00:41:45,547 --> 00:41:48,717
[fading footsteps]
1178
00:41:50,301 --> 00:41:52,804
God, Lori Loughlin's
fucking gorgeous.
1179
00:41:52,804 --> 00:41:54,597
That woman can do no wrong.
1180
00:41:54,597 --> 00:41:56,016
Hey, don't start jerking off.
1181
00:41:56,016 --> 00:41:57,767
Hey, that poster
is not for jerking off.
1182
00:41:57,767 --> 00:42:00,186
It's for imagining
being married, you sick fuck.
1183
00:42:00,186 --> 00:42:01,229
- Wow.
- Yeah!
1184
00:42:01,229 --> 00:42:03,064
You--you've imagined
the wedding?
1185
00:42:03,064 --> 00:42:04,357
Well, yeah.
1186
00:42:04,357 --> 00:42:06,109
The cover of "People"
magazine's a photo of us,
1187
00:42:06,109 --> 00:42:08,236
and it says,
"Who's Loughlin now?"
1188
00:42:08,236 --> 00:42:10,155
So you took her name?
1189
00:42:10,155 --> 00:42:12,240
No, no.
But they need to sell copies.
1190
00:42:12,240 --> 00:42:14,659
Well, it's good to know
you can be both erect
1191
00:42:14,659 --> 00:42:16,286
and market-savvy.
1192
00:42:16,286 --> 00:42:18,538
[sighs] Teddy,
this whole Blaire situation
1193
00:42:18,538 --> 00:42:19,706
is really shitty.
1194
00:42:19,706 --> 00:42:21,332
[sighs]
Yeah, I know.
1195
00:42:21,332 --> 00:42:23,710
I mean, I never knew
she thought of me that way.
1196
00:42:23,710 --> 00:42:25,587
It's like a little brother.
1197
00:42:25,587 --> 00:42:27,047
I always wanted a brother
or a sister,
1198
00:42:27,047 --> 00:42:30,592
and there she was,
right there all along.
1199
00:42:30,592 --> 00:42:31,968
Yeah.
1200
00:42:31,968 --> 00:42:34,137
I guess under all that
complaining about racism,
1201
00:42:34,137 --> 00:42:36,473
there's actually a good person
in there.
1202
00:42:36,473 --> 00:42:40,060
Teddy, we gotta do something.
I mean, this is our fault.
1203
00:42:40,060 --> 00:42:43,063
Like, maybe I can talk to Dad,
get him to change his mind.
1204
00:42:43,063 --> 00:42:44,898
Yeah, good luck.
He's never gonna listen.
1205
00:42:44,898 --> 00:42:45,940
I mean,
we can't just lay here
1206
00:42:45,940 --> 00:42:47,692
and let her get fucked over.
1207
00:42:47,692 --> 00:42:49,611
There's gotta be something
we can do.
1208
00:42:49,611 --> 00:42:51,488
Wait a minute.
You know what?
1209
00:42:51,488 --> 00:42:52,864
There is.
1210
00:42:52,864 --> 00:42:56,826
We are gonna open the box.
1211
00:42:56,826 --> 00:43:00,705
[upbeat jazz music]
1212
00:43:00,705 --> 00:43:03,917
[phone ringing]
1213
00:43:03,917 --> 00:43:06,169
There you go.
I'll be right outside.
1214
00:43:06,169 --> 00:43:07,379
Just let me know when
you're finished.
1215
00:43:07,379 --> 00:43:08,797
- Thank you.
- Thanks.
1216
00:43:11,341 --> 00:43:12,842
Did you know that
1217
00:43:12,842 --> 00:43:15,887
textile polymers are so thin
nowadays that someone could be
1218
00:43:15,887 --> 00:43:19,641
wearing an adult diaper
and no one would even know it?
1219
00:43:19,641 --> 00:43:20,725
What?
1220
00:43:20,725 --> 00:43:21,851
No bulky padding,
1221
00:43:21,851 --> 00:43:24,062
no unsightly bulges
in the trousers.
1222
00:43:24,062 --> 00:43:26,231
I--I didn't know that.
No.
1223
00:43:26,231 --> 00:43:27,357
It's amazing.
1224
00:43:27,357 --> 00:43:29,859
A person, anyone could
be talking to you
1225
00:43:29,859 --> 00:43:33,071
and relieving themselves
at the same time.
1226
00:43:33,071 --> 00:43:35,740
And you'd never even know it.
[sighs softly]
1227
00:43:35,740 --> 00:43:36,783
OK.
1228
00:43:36,783 --> 00:43:38,993
And that's great news.
1229
00:43:38,993 --> 00:43:40,662
Are you wearing a diaper?
1230
00:43:40,662 --> 00:43:42,539
No.
Don't make this weird.
1231
00:43:42,539 --> 00:43:43,581
OK.
1232
00:43:43,581 --> 00:43:44,624
I'm just saying
1233
00:43:44,624 --> 00:43:46,084
the technology has come so far
1234
00:43:46,084 --> 00:43:48,336
that limits
practically don't exist.
1235
00:43:48,336 --> 00:43:49,963
It's all about confidence.
1236
00:43:49,963 --> 00:43:51,965
So take that long car ride,
1237
00:43:51,965 --> 00:43:55,301
climb that mountain,
have that iced tea refill.
1238
00:43:55,301 --> 00:43:57,012
We--we will.
1239
00:44:00,390 --> 00:44:03,351
What limits?
1240
00:44:04,602 --> 00:44:05,895
Jesus, we gotta switch banks.
1241
00:44:05,895 --> 00:44:07,355
Yeah, seriously.
1242
00:44:13,611 --> 00:44:14,738
Here it is.
1243
00:44:14,738 --> 00:44:16,031
Yep.
1244
00:44:16,031 --> 00:44:17,866
You're sure you wanna
do this, right?
1245
00:44:17,866 --> 00:44:19,284
I mean, once Dad
finds out you have it,
1246
00:44:19,284 --> 00:44:21,327
there's no going back,
like ever.
1247
00:44:21,327 --> 00:44:22,579
He's gonna go nuts.
1248
00:44:22,579 --> 00:44:23,747
That's why I never told him.
1249
00:44:23,747 --> 00:44:25,165
I guess deep down,
1250
00:44:25,165 --> 00:44:27,334
I was saving it
for a day like this
1251
00:44:27,334 --> 00:44:30,503
when the chips were down
and all hope seemed lost.
1252
00:44:30,503 --> 00:44:32,088
OK.
1253
00:44:32,088 --> 00:44:34,007
Good.
Let's do it.
1254
00:44:34,007 --> 00:44:36,593
All right, we're done!
1255
00:44:36,593 --> 00:44:38,011
Sir?
1256
00:44:38,011 --> 00:44:40,722
[keys jingling]
- I need you to open box 1080.
1257
00:44:40,722 --> 00:44:42,057
There's a pair of jeans
in there!
1258
00:44:42,057 --> 00:44:43,892
- What?
- Just do it!
1259
00:44:43,892 --> 00:44:47,062
[insects droning]
1260
00:44:49,939 --> 00:44:51,358
What, you're just--
you're just not gonna--
1261
00:44:51,358 --> 00:44:53,818
not gonna talk to me
for the rest of your life, huh?
1262
00:44:53,818 --> 00:44:55,737
Is that it?
1263
00:44:55,737 --> 00:44:58,948
Well, you'd--
you've--you've taken
1264
00:44:58,948 --> 00:45:04,037
a--taken a vow of silence,
like a--like a monk, huh?
1265
00:45:04,037 --> 00:45:05,955
You're gonna--you're
gonna shave your head too?
1266
00:45:05,955 --> 00:45:07,957
'Cause, well, go ahead.
1267
00:45:07,957 --> 00:45:09,209
Go ahead, then you won't--
then you won't--
1268
00:45:09,209 --> 00:45:11,419
then you won't
clog the shower drain.
1269
00:45:15,423 --> 00:45:16,549
What do you guys want?
1270
00:45:16,549 --> 00:45:17,884
I want to cut a deal.
1271
00:45:17,884 --> 00:45:20,220
What?
What are you talking about?
1272
00:45:20,220 --> 00:45:21,805
Let me tell you a story,
Matty.
1273
00:45:21,805 --> 00:45:23,223
Back when I was in Hollywood,
1274
00:45:23,223 --> 00:45:26,893
I almost made a movie
with Sly Stallone.
1275
00:45:26,893 --> 00:45:28,687
- Bullshit.
- No bullshit.
1276
00:45:28,687 --> 00:45:30,271
- "Rocky" Stallone?
- Yep.
1277
00:45:30,271 --> 00:45:32,357
He came to me with a project
and I said yes.
1278
00:45:32,357 --> 00:45:34,526
It was gonna be about
this astronaut cop
1279
00:45:34,526 --> 00:45:36,277
and this wisecracking bear.
1280
00:45:36,277 --> 00:45:37,529
I was the bear.
1281
00:45:37,529 --> 00:45:39,739
And they gotta go to space
to save Christmas,
1282
00:45:39,739 --> 00:45:41,116
but then the
"Challenger" exploded,
1283
00:45:41,116 --> 00:45:42,784
so they had to
scrap the project.
1284
00:45:42,784 --> 00:45:44,661
Oh, man, what a bummer.
1285
00:45:44,661 --> 00:45:46,037
I know, right?
1286
00:45:46,037 --> 00:45:47,163
I mean, that's when
America could have used
1287
00:45:47,163 --> 00:45:48,915
a movie like that the most!
1288
00:45:48,915 --> 00:45:51,334
Anyway, Stallone felt
really bad about it,
1289
00:45:51,334 --> 00:45:53,878
so he gave me this.
1290
00:46:02,762 --> 00:46:03,763
What is it?
1291
00:46:03,763 --> 00:46:06,641
Rocky's mouth guard.
1292
00:46:06,641 --> 00:46:08,351
Fuck you.
You're kidding.
1293
00:46:08,351 --> 00:46:09,894
- Nope.
- You're shitting me.
1294
00:46:09,894 --> 00:46:11,104
No shit.
1295
00:46:11,104 --> 00:46:13,273
Wait.
Does that mean--
1296
00:46:13,273 --> 00:46:15,442
Yes, the one at
Planet Hollywood is a fake.
1297
00:46:15,442 --> 00:46:17,777
Holy--
1298
00:46:17,777 --> 00:46:19,988
holy shit!
1299
00:46:19,988 --> 00:46:21,531
Holy fucking shit!
1300
00:46:21,531 --> 00:46:23,992
Now, I will give you
this priceless item...
1301
00:46:23,992 --> 00:46:25,243
[Matty gasps]
1302
00:46:25,243 --> 00:46:28,997
If you give Blaire
another chance.
1303
00:46:28,997 --> 00:46:31,833
- Huh?
- Just let her stay.
1304
00:46:31,833 --> 00:46:34,627
Oh.
1305
00:46:34,627 --> 00:46:35,795
I don't know.
1306
00:46:35,795 --> 00:46:39,632
Hey, why don't you put it on?
1307
00:46:39,632 --> 00:46:41,134
Go on.
1308
00:46:41,134 --> 00:46:44,679
That was in Sylvester
Stallone's mouth in 1976.
1309
00:46:44,679 --> 00:46:47,015
See how it feels in yours.
1310
00:46:54,356 --> 00:46:55,648
Mmm.
1311
00:46:55,648 --> 00:46:57,734
[inhales deeply]
1312
00:46:57,734 --> 00:47:00,612
Oh.
1313
00:47:00,612 --> 00:47:02,030
Oh, wow.
1314
00:47:03,823 --> 00:47:06,159
I feel him.
1315
00:47:06,159 --> 00:47:08,328
I--I--I feel him in my mouth.
1316
00:47:08,328 --> 00:47:10,288
You gotta go the distance,
Matty.
1317
00:47:10,288 --> 00:47:11,956
Rocky would never have given up
1318
00:47:11,956 --> 00:47:13,375
on his brother's wife's
daughter.
1319
00:47:13,375 --> 00:47:15,126
And neither should you.
- No.
1320
00:47:15,126 --> 00:47:16,211
What do you say?
1321
00:47:16,211 --> 00:47:20,548
[Matty panting softly]
1322
00:47:22,342 --> 00:47:24,678
- OK.
- OK, what?
1323
00:47:24,678 --> 00:47:25,887
She can stay.
1324
00:47:25,887 --> 00:47:28,515
Oh, Matty, you mean it?
1325
00:47:28,515 --> 00:47:29,766
Yeah, fuck it.
1326
00:47:29,766 --> 00:47:30,767
Oh!
[smooches]
1327
00:47:30,767 --> 00:47:33,019
Oh, honey, and no rent?
1328
00:47:33,019 --> 00:47:34,145
- Yeah, yeah.
- Right?
1329
00:47:34,145 --> 00:47:37,065
- Fine, fine.
- Thank you so much.
1330
00:47:37,065 --> 00:47:39,025
[Matty sighs]
1331
00:47:39,025 --> 00:47:42,737
I'm gonna sleep in it.
1332
00:47:42,737 --> 00:47:44,698
Nice job, Teddy.
1333
00:47:44,698 --> 00:47:47,117
We did it.
- Yeah, we did.
1334
00:47:47,117 --> 00:47:48,034
You know,
I think you and Stallone
1335
00:47:48,034 --> 00:47:49,411
could still make that movie.
1336
00:47:49,411 --> 00:47:52,080
Oh, God. No way.
It was total fucking garbage.
1337
00:47:52,080 --> 00:47:54,374
I don't wanna sound crazy,
but I honestly think
1338
00:47:54,374 --> 00:47:56,209
Paramount blew up
the space shuttle
1339
00:47:56,209 --> 00:47:57,669
so they wouldn't have
to make that movie.
1340
00:47:57,669 --> 00:47:59,087
Jesus, that bad, huh?
1341
00:47:59,087 --> 00:48:02,298
- It was that bad, yeah.
- Shit.
1342
00:48:02,298 --> 00:48:05,468
[peaceful jazz music]
1343
00:48:05,468 --> 00:48:07,220
♪ ♪
1344
00:48:07,220 --> 00:48:09,389
I don't know
how to thank you guys.
1345
00:48:09,389 --> 00:48:13,518
I mean, never in a million years
did I expect this.
1346
00:48:13,518 --> 00:48:15,645
You know,
I was starting to think
1347
00:48:15,645 --> 00:48:18,106
it was impossible for any of us
to break the curse
1348
00:48:18,106 --> 00:48:21,317
of the Bennett blood,
but what you did,
1349
00:48:21,317 --> 00:48:24,446
it gives me a lot of hope.
1350
00:48:24,446 --> 00:48:25,739
Thank you.
1351
00:48:25,739 --> 00:48:27,365
Ah, we were just trying
to make things right.
1352
00:48:27,365 --> 00:48:30,618
No, no, no, no.
I--I mean it, though.
1353
00:48:30,618 --> 00:48:33,079
You're not like
the rest of the family.
1354
00:48:33,079 --> 00:48:35,123
You've got a shot.
1355
00:48:35,123 --> 00:48:38,001
I think of my dad,
drunk on his ratty couch,
1356
00:48:38,001 --> 00:48:40,086
watching "Flash Gordon"
or some shit,
1357
00:48:40,086 --> 00:48:43,381
but that's not gonna be you.
1358
00:48:43,381 --> 00:48:45,967
You--you're gonna do
something with your life.
1359
00:48:45,967 --> 00:48:48,595
You're gonna be somebody.
1360
00:48:48,595 --> 00:48:49,637
Thanks, Blaire.
1361
00:48:54,100 --> 00:48:57,103
Just promise me this.
1362
00:48:57,103 --> 00:48:59,397
No more drugs.
Yeah?
1363
00:48:59,397 --> 00:49:01,733
No more drugs.
1364
00:49:05,653 --> 00:49:07,864
Besides pot.
1365
00:49:07,864 --> 00:49:09,282
[Queen's "Flash"]
1366
00:49:09,282 --> 00:49:10,950
♪ Flash! ♪
1367
00:49:10,950 --> 00:49:12,952
♪ A-ah! ♪
1368
00:49:12,952 --> 00:49:14,662
♪ Savior of the universe ♪
1369
00:49:14,662 --> 00:49:20,293
♪ ♪
1370
00:49:20,293 --> 00:49:22,045
♪ Flash! ♪
1371
00:49:22,045 --> 00:49:24,130
♪ A-ah! ♪
1372
00:49:24,130 --> 00:49:25,799
♪ He'll save every one of us ♪
1373
00:49:25,799 --> 00:49:31,680
♪ ♪
1374
00:49:31,680 --> 00:49:34,974
[evil laughter]
1375
00:49:34,974 --> 00:49:36,810
[explosion]
1376
00:49:36,810 --> 00:49:39,020
♪ ♪
1377
00:49:39,020 --> 00:49:40,814
♪ Flash! ♪
1378
00:49:40,814 --> 00:49:43,149
♪ A-ah! ♪
1379
00:49:43,149 --> 00:49:44,484
♪ He's a miracle ♪
1380
00:49:44,484 --> 00:49:50,115
♪ ♪
1381
00:49:50,115 --> 00:49:51,825
♪ Flash! ♪
1382
00:49:51,825 --> 00:49:53,576
♪ A-ah! ♪
1383
00:49:53,576 --> 00:49:55,203
♪ King of the impossible ♪
1384
00:49:55,203 --> 00:49:58,081
♪ ♪
1385
00:49:58,081 --> 00:50:00,166
♪ He's for every one of us ♪
1386
00:50:00,166 --> 00:50:02,419
♪ Stand for every one of us ♪
1387
00:50:02,419 --> 00:50:03,920
♪ He saves
with a mighty hand ♪
1388
00:50:03,920 --> 00:50:05,463
♪ Every man, every woman,
every child ♪
1389
00:50:05,463 --> 00:50:07,007
♪ It's the mighty flash ♪
1390
00:50:07,007 --> 00:50:08,633
♪ ♪
1391
00:50:08,633 --> 00:50:10,760
[explosions]
1392
00:50:10,760 --> 00:50:17,726
♪ ♪
1393
00:50:19,352 --> 00:50:21,021
♪ Flash! ♪
1394
00:50:21,021 --> 00:50:23,773
♪ A-ah! ♪
1395
00:50:23,773 --> 00:50:30,113
♪ ♪
1396
00:50:30,113 --> 00:50:31,781
♪ Flash! ♪
1397
00:50:31,781 --> 00:50:34,075
♪ A-ah! ♪
1398
00:50:34,075 --> 00:50:36,077
♪ He'll save every one of us ♪
99675
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