All language subtitles for The Almighty Johnsons S03E07 Typical Auckland God 1080p AMZN WEB-DL DDP2 0 H 264-Kitsune_track4_[eng]

Ah!

Just because
you're hanging out

with the king of
running away, does not

- mean you have to turn into him.
- Fishing it is.

- Fishing
- And then onto Norsewood.

There is nothing
there for you.

Good luck, son.

I want, as my campaign
posters, portraits of people

with the words, "My City."

And I want Dawn to be
foremost among the portraits,

This isn't Norsewood.

You need to be here for now.

No one comes to
Fungamungamoa without a reason.

It's gone, My Lord,
hammer of the gods,

it's fallen into the
hands of bandits.

Oh, no.

Hey.

Want to play a game?

Um.

Sure.

It's called the
game of remembering,

starting with the name of the
woman naked under your t-shirt.

Suzie.

Correct.

Good start, player number one.

And you are where?

In your room above
the bar where you work.

And we got here how?

[violent retching]

Derrick threw up on me.

Correct, player number one.

And then?

One foot in front of the other,
Derrick, like we practiced.

I prayed for you
to come, my Lord.

And now you are here.

It's a miracle.

Axl, Uncle Derrick,
my name is Axl.

Yes, my Lord.

But now we can claim it back.

Claim what?

The hammer.

The hammer.

Yo OK with this, Tom?

Yeah, no worries, Suz.

You talked him
out of his trousers.

I'm good at talking men
out of their trousers.

Tom, give me your trousers.

Sorry?

Axl's are all covered in spew.

All right, but you're
explaining to Carrie.

And then?

And then there was drinking.

A lot of drinking.

And then?

[music playing]

It's an old story.

It's nothing new and it runs
its course from me to you.

If I can follow
through greater blue.

It's an old story.

It's nothing new.

Spinning round the
washing line and I'm

hoping I can make you mine.

Chasing flowers
through open stalls

and the grass is
greener across the road.

No, nothing.

Complete blank.

You know what happens when you
lose the game of remembering,

right?

No, tell me.

You have to do the bits
you forgot all over again.

Oh, no.

[theme -gin wigmore, "oh my"]

Oh my God, I'm beaten
in the game of love.

And I fall down, I fall
down on my knees, I fall.

[music playing]

Oh, girl.

I want to see you tonight.

Oh, it's been days
since I held your hand.

You know like years
since you understand.

Oh, girl.

Can you come over to my house?

Oh, we can do things
that were never done.

We can just talk.

It can be such fun.

Oh, darling.

Won't you come and
stand next to me?

Oh, let me whisper in your ear.

Everywhere, I go,
all over the city.

Everywhere you go, the
face of your unrequited love

staring down at you.

I can see how that might gall.

This isn't about Dawn.

Uh, huh.

It isn't.

OK, yes it is.

But only to the extent
that he is using her.

Anders he or Colin he?

Both.

But mainly Colin.

But also, but also
Anders for letting him.

We need to do something.

Well, I won't
be voting for him.

I don't mean Colin.

I mean Anders.

He's working for this
family's mortal enemy.

Derrick, I brought
your Ute back.

Derrick!

[snoring]

Derrick!

[farting]

[burping]

You're not going to
chuck on me again, are you?

I would never vomit
on the old father.

You have my head.

If you say so.

Do you have
handmaidens with you?

No.

I haven't worn these
since Delphine left home.

Oh Yes, Tom or whatever
his wife's name is, Carrie,

must have put you in them, when
he got you home last night.

[growling and yelling]

How could you
let them, my Lord?

Put you in a bit untidy room

Let them enter my house.

Who knows what indignities
they've performed upon me.

My mortal enemies in
my beloved Bilskirnir.

I feel defiled.

OK, I thought Tom was like
your neighbor or something.

But they are bandits, My Lord.

Who took Mjolnir
to render me weak.

They took your hammer?

Yes.

But now you are here.

You can force them to return it.

Have you tried to go
and ask for it back?

I beg you, Lord Odin, All
knowing Ruler of Midguard

and all the realms, please.

Do this one thing for
your humble soldier.

Hi.

Axl, hello.

Your trousers.

Suzie washed and ironed them.

She's good like that.

Thank you.

Actually can I have a
bit of a word with you?

I know Derrick can be a
bit of a handful at times.

Well, yeah.

That's putting it mildly.

And I don't exactly know what
his problem is at the moment.

Being a bigoted pig would
be a good place to start.

Axl, this is Kerry,
Kerry, Axl, who

I told you about last night.

Ah, the one who
has the misfortune

to be related to MC Hammer.

Hi.

Thanks for getting him
home last night by the way.

Please trying to
expunge it from my memory.

So, which Norse God are you?

Me?

No, I'm no god.

Come on, if you're related
to Thor of the Valley,

you must be some sort of god.

Oh, it's a Derrick thing.

He's um-- he's kind of
out there, you know?

But.

While we're on the
subject, um, Derrick

you mentioned that you have
something that belongs to him.

- a hammer?
- Milnia?

That's the one.

What about it?

It's just that, I know it
looks like a manky old hammer,

but it's kind of
a family heirloom.

And he'd really like it back.

Well, if it's such a
precious family heirloom,

then why did he try
and kill us with it?

Do I dare ask why?

Musical differences.

[opera music]

DERRICK: [GROWLY SCREAMING] Turn
that homo music off, you poofs!

It's art, you barbarian.

DERRICK: Derrick: It sounds
like someone fucking a goat.

Well, you'd know all
about that sort of thing,

wouldn't you?

DERRICK: m Fuck you!

[smash]

And you can stick your
invitation up your ass.

Probably enjoy it.

It was only Mr.
reasonable here that stopped

us pressing charges.

Yeah, I can see that.

If he wants his
precious hammer back,

he needs to come over here,
apologize, and acknowledge

the seriousness of his actions.

And get the bloody thing out,
because buggered if we can.

Really?

Yeah, I see what you mean.

How do you do that?

I'm a builder.

There's a technique.

Hand it over.

Sorry?

Give me the hammer.

When he apologizes
to our faces

and understands what
a stupid and dangerous

thing that he did, then he
can have his hammer back.

Ex-schoolteacher.

I'll see what I can do.

And while you're at
it, ask him to give us

our bloody land back.

Hi, Ty.

Are we keeping you busy?

Yes.

Thanks.

Thanks, see you.

Tyrone!

Look at you, in your Lycra.

Like a big muscle sausage.

Good to see you landed with
all your bits and pieces

in the right places.

These something
for me to peruse?

- Yes, here.
- Bless you, Dawn.

Can I ask you a question?

Naturally to the
left is the answer.

What's the story with
your brother and Colin?

They obviously have
history together.

Colin was Ty's father-in-law.

We don't mention it.

But you threw
the hammer at them.

In all due
respect, Old Father,

your ear drums weren't the ones
being assaulted that night.

If you lost your hammer,
Derrick, it's your fault

and you need to do what
it takes to get it back

by going over and apologizing.

I refuse to set foot
in bandit country.

They're not bandits.

They didn't steal anything.

You threw the hammer at them.

Ass bandits.

Derrick, you can't
use that phrase.

Ass bandits.
It

Yeah.

Who says?

Says Odin, or says
anyone, actually.

What the hell is this about
you stealing their land?

I've been farming
here for 15 years

before they came along,
with their pieces of paper.

Presumably the pieces of paper
that prove they own the land.

I won this land
fair and square off

Drunk Murray in a game of 500.

Not my fault he didn't get
around to changing the deed.

Who would've guessed that
from a guy called Drunk Murray?

I farmed this land.

I built the fence
around this land.

It's my land.

What did you actually
farm on the land?

Not the fucking point.

Beer.

I think it's safe to
say that Derrick gave

up farming a couple months ago.

Sold what stock he
had in Eaton and took

up drinking as an occupation.

You didn't know this?

No, we're not
close as a family.

It all started when Delphine
took off down south with Ross.

Ross?

The she-monkey?

Everyone was bloody
happy for the them, eh.

Except for Derrick,
who tried to kill Ross.

Then Tom and Carrie
bought Drunk Mary's place

and tried to reclaim what
was rightfully theirs.

And Derrick found a
new reason to live,

hating the puffters next door.

MAN: Suzie

Duty calls.

MAN: So, again, love.

When Tom and Carrie
moved in, they

bulled the fence that
Derrick had built to fence

off the land that wasn't his.

The police were called.

Threats were made.

Then a couple of weeks ago,
Tom and Carrie made the mistake

of going away for the weekend.

When they got back, Derrick
had rebuilt the entire fence.

If there's one thing that man
can do, it's wield a hammer.

Yeah, he sure can.

Derrick's a pain in
the ass and bonkers,

but, I still worry
about him, you know?

No idea why.

Um, any chance I can
get a packet of chips

to go with this beer?

Sure.

It's important to
have food groups

other than beer in your life.

Salt and fat for starters.

Yeah, but it's a
thirsty work being me.

Slow down, tiger.

I got plenty later.

Take me off the JPR run.

Morton run.

The only run we have is I
tell you what to take where

and you run and do it.

Not to that office anymore.

But you are the one who's
been banging on to get

every job going that way.

Has Dawn suddenly remembered
what a pain in the ass you

can be?

Let me put it this way.

How would it be for business
if the next time I'm in there,

I punch Colin in the face?

OK, if I had to deliver
those jumped up advertising

tossers one more time,
I'm going to break

shit all over their office.

What is wrong with you people?

You're couriers.

You deliver stuff.

You don't get to choose who to.

You don't have to put up
with the things they say.

But you like the
sexist comments.

You told me that was one
of your favorite things

about being a courier was guys
saying nice things about you

tits and ogling your ass.

Not advertising wankers.

They take the good
and make it creepy.

Fucking unbelievable.

What if I take the
advertising wankers?

- And Alana does the JP Archer.
- Fine.

Whatever.

Sort it out amongst yourselves.

Just stop hassling me.

Way to go, Ty,
stick it to the man.

I never really thought
of Stacey as a man before.

You should.

She totally has that
tomboy vibe going.

How come you don't
want to do JPR?

I thought you were sweet
on the receptionist.

No, no, no.

And I wouldn't call her
receptionist if were you.

Don't worry.

I'll be my sweet,
adorable self around her.

Good luck with the assholes
at the advertising agency.

Hey, are you doing anything,
maybe tomorrow night?

I've no plans, why?

Just wondering if you want to
go get a drink or something,

you know, celebrate our
sticking it to the man?

Yeah, that would be awesome.

Yes.

[men arguing]

DERRICK: Get off
my fucking farm.

I'm not talking to
either of you poofters

until you bring my hammer back.

MAN: Be reasonable.

DERRICK: Bugger off back
to homo town, you homos.

Derrick, that fence
has to come down.

We need the land.

My Lord, smite the Sodomites.

Derrick, don't be an idiot.

I won that land
fair and square.

It's my right to do with it
what I want, including nothing.

The alternative is still
on the table, Derrick.

Sell us your farm.

DERRICK: Get fucked!

Barbarian.

Would selling this
place be such a bad idea?

Oh that's right, you're Odin.

You're the god of everything.

You might as well add
fucking farming to your list.

Yeah, because this place
is such a raging success.

Are you one of
their bum buddies now?

Typical Auckland god.

Hey, I'm not the one who
threw my bloody hammer away.

Tell me about Suzie.

Suzie from the bar?

Bloody goddess, that girl.

OK, when you say goddess,
you mean like a good chick,

don't you?

You mean an actual goddess?

No, she's too nice to
be one of those slags.

Yeah, but what if she is?

I mean, what if she's
hypothetically Frigg?

Then Odin could
do a lot worse.

What?

Do you want to play a game?

It's called the game Suzie.

My name's Suzie.

I should be quite good at this.

Are you from around here?

No.

One point to me.

Where are you from?

Ongaonga.

It's in Hawkes Bay.

How do you know Ongaonga?

I grew up not far from there.

Where?

Norsewood.

No way.

That's near my parents' farm.

Maybe we're related.

No, that would be ab bad thing.

[laughing]

Tell me about your parents.

They died in a car
crash when I was two,

so I never knew them.

Sorry.

So do I win the game of Suzie?

Big time.

Awesome.

Want a job for the night?

One of my staff decided the
stag do wasn't his thing.

You can pour beer as
well as drink it, right?

What's the pay?

Money and sexual favors.

Deal.

I love weddings.

Great excuse for a party.

I like parties.

I find that hard to believe.

I had this amazing 21st.

Me too.

Went on for like three days.

And did anything
special happen

to you on the exact
moment of your birth?

You mean, I turned 21
and my world changed.

Yeah.

I went a bit hard
too early actually.

Was having a nap in the paddock
when the clock tipped over.

Was only the fireworks
that woke me up.

Fireworks?

Everybody said
there weren't any,

because there was a fire ban.

But, when I woke up, the
sky was full of lights.

Then I went back to the party.

And the party went on and on.

Kept finding all these half
empty beer bottles everywhere.

I bet you did.

Here's the happy couple.

One happier than the other.

Your uncle leaves
an aftertaste.

I don't want to think
about it, thank you.

Karaoke, as requested.

Not by me.

You say that now, but later
you will not be able to resist.

Everything else in
order except a barman,

who had a thing about, you know.

Queers.

Do you ever think
about queers, Axl?

I have no thing about anyone.

Unlike your uncle.

It's a good thing he
won't be here then, hey?

- He was invited.
- Really?

I thought it was
a good chance for us

to make peace with Derrick.

This was before he put a hammer
through the side of our house.

If he comes and doesn't
insult or assault anyone,

he can have his precious
hammer, on two provisos,

that he apologizes sincerely,
and that he acknowledges

the sanctity of our
union by turning up Tryst

on what he has in his closet.

OK.

And when you say
closet, you mean--

I mean his actual closet.

Kerry took the
liberty of having

a wee look around
when we dropped

Derrick home the other night.

You're too kind of that man.

Bloody sneaky gays, poking
around in a man's wardrobe.

Show me what's in your closet.

OK.

I wasn't expecting that.

The dress Jenny wore
on our wedding day.

Happiest day of my life.

I was saving it for Delphine
when she got married.

Delphine had a lot
of growing to do.

Her mother was a burly woman.

She was the kindest,
wisest lady I ever met.

She kept me on an
even keel, you know?

We had some laughs,
some real fun times,

out working side by side
on the slaughter board.

In the sack, broke a few
bed frames, Jenny and me.

So there's no way I can
desecrate her memory by wearing

her dress to a puff party.

Thor.

You failed all of us when
you flung that hammer.

You owe it to all of us
to god up and do what it

takes to get the hammer back.

My Lord, could
you, the old father,

emasculate yourself to do this?

Dude, it's wearing a
dress for like five minutes.

Then I will play the bride.

If you will play my bridesmaid.

Oh, this is so brave.

Don't.

That you're willing
to walk into a bar

full of gay men and
drunk, lonely old farmers

in this dress.

You're really not helping.

I've got the
perfect accessory.

[phone ringing]

Hello?

Please tell me
Olaf is with you.

He is, as chance
would have it.

Have you recovered my car?

- No, but I think I found her.
- Who?

Frigg.

Frigg.

She doesn't know
she's a goddess yet,

but she so is, which is making
things a little bit weird.

Define weird.

We just get on amazingly.

Define amazingly.

She's like amazing.

We hit it off the moment
we laid eyes on each other.

And the sex is amazing.

You've had sex?

Yeah.

And almost even better than
that, when she pours drinks,

the bottles never run out.

[groan]

Saga.

What?

It's not Frigg.

You met Saga.

Saga?

Was Odin's best mate
and drinking companion.

But also a goddess,
essentially a dude in a frock.

How do you mean?

For you, it would be like
if your best mate, Zeb, was

a woman and totally
up for it, and also

had the power of eternal beer.

I got to go.

Perfect.

Remember I said I'd pay
you in sexual favors.

Uh, huh.

Here's an advance
on your wages.

You're keeping me busy.

That's the idea.

Hi.

Hi.

Your brother isn't
delivering here anymore.

I much prefer his replacement.

[knock at door]

Hi.

Welcome.
Come in.

Thank you.

I didn't have any wine, so I
stole my flatmate's tequila.

Oh, OK.

I was working on
dinner and a DVD.

You didn't have to.

She's a cabin attendant.

She gets lots of
duty free booze.

Shot to kick things into gear?

Cool.

To moving on.

- [knocking]
- Ty, it's just us.

Hello.

I know you.

You were being him
at my office today,

only much better looking.

Elena.

Anders.

Why are you guys here?

Because, whispering
peace and love.

[kissing sound]
For you.

[knocking]

You stay there.

I'll get the door.

I hope you don't mind.

I ran into Lance
on the way here.

- Hey.
- Lance is here.

What's up, man?

Lance rules!

[singing like a trumpet]

Oh, and Dawn.
Now it's a party.

Love the frock.

It's all for you, you dick.

Have you got Derrick's number?

On the wall by the phone
for when he leaves stuff.

[phone rings]

Don't you pike
on me, you prick.

I have to go.

But I paid you in advance.

Oh, can I borrow your car?

I've got a scooter.

Of course you do.

Derrick!

Derrick.

Fuck.

Derrick!

Derrick!

Oh, shit.

Derrick!

What are you doing?

You were right.

About what?

I'm a failure.

As a god, husband,
father, farmer, god,

No, no, you're not.

But Odin decreed it.

If I'm a failure as a god,
I'm a failure as a man.

I was wrong.

You're not a failure.

Look around you.

Does this look like
fucking success?

Look, you're just going
through a few hard times.

That's all.

So I threw away the one thing
in my life that had meaning.

And we can get
that one thing back.

Can you turn the
tractor off and take

the noose off so we can talk?

What's there to talk about?

I don't belong in this world.

Thor does not quit like this.

You don't get it, do you?

We don't belong on
this Earth, none of us.

It hates us.

It abhors us being here.

We turn everything bad.

[gears grind]

Move, you piece of shit.

OK.

But if you're going to
take the easy way out,

then, you're going to
have to take me with you.

Easy?

Took me fuck ages to get
rope round that branch.

If the mighty Thor can kick
the bucket because he thinks

the world ain't a perfect place
then you might as well take

this useless ass Odin with you.

Get out of the road.

There's been a huge
mistake somewhere.

The soul of Odin in
the body of a loser.

You're Odin, you ig.

It's impossible for
Odin to be a loser,

because he is fucking Odin.

Well, this Odin managed to
lose the only woman he loved.

Boo, hoo, I lost too.

He can't even find his Frigg.

Well, you're not going to find
her in fucking Fungamungamoa,

are you?

And this Odin, no one even
listens to, let alone respect.

I respect you, My Lord.

Then turn the tractor off.

[tractor powers down]

Now take the noose off
from round your neck.

Now, let's go get the
hammer of the gods.

[singing karaoke]

Glad you could make the party.

Thanks for the invite.

Nice dress.

I hope you mean that.

It's special to me, this dress.

Look, Derrick's done
what you had asked.

Got into the spirit of things.

And then some.

And you have something
that belongs to him?

I still haven't
heard an apology.

Fuck that.

How about this instead?

I'm a shit farmer, you know it.

I know it.

But you guys seem
to be doing OK.

So if you want to buy
my farm, it's all yours.

For a fair price, of course.

Of course.

Deal.

No.

I still want an apology.

Oh, leave it, Kerry.

No.

This troglodyte
almost killed us.

I want an apology.

I don't know what a
troglodyte is, mate.

But if it's someone who doesn't
like shit music blaring it

I'm in the middle of the
night, then yeah, I am one.

Look, Derrick, just
don't worry about it.

We can get--

New plan.

No one bullies me
into apologizing.

But I feel like I owe you, so
you can take this or leave it.

I sang this song for my
wife on our wedding day.

Of course, she was the one
wearing the dress that day.

This is for the gay,
as an happy couple.

[SINGING ] Cheryl Moana Marie.

Back home, she's waiting for me.

Cheryl Moana Marie.

There on the shore,
she waits so patiently.

[cheering]

You puffters going
to dance or what?

[SINGING] On a sleepy little
shore, where soft breezes blow,

there's a lovely little
Mawri miss I used to know.

Did you make this happen?

Yeah.

I guess I did.

[SINGING] --return
from over the sea

to where my island sweet heart

You are a genius.

But I'm saying that not voting
is exactly the same as voting.

- No it's not.
- Yes it is.

Because it's like a vote
for nobody, which is

kind of like a vote, but not.

That just means
fewer people vote.

Someone still gets elected.

Yes, but I didn't
vote for him.

Game, set, match, Lance.

That's just stupid.

Maybe you're biased,
Dawn, because you

the face of a campaign.

I'm not the face, I'm a face.

Well, are you going to vote?

Of course, I'm going to vote.

For Colin.

That's nobody else's
business but mine.

Ha, hah, I bet
you are, aren't you?

OK, fine.

Yes, I am.

Because he's paying
you to, isn't he?

No, I'm voting for
him because I think he's

the right person for the job.
I'll be honest.

At first I thought
he was a rich nob.

But the more I listened
to Colin, got to know him,

I really think there's
something remarkable about him.

If he wants something
done, he gets it done,

all that charisma,
balls, whatever.

But if he can use it for
the good of this whole city,

he can make the city great.

No.

Sorry?

Nothing.

Come with me.

Why?

Now.

Look.

It's a glass.

Look.

Oh, you did the
freezing thing.

You did the freezing thing.

No, this is wrong.

This is meant to have gone.

Clearly it hasn't.

How?
Hod left me.

Now he's back and
I want to know why.

Whoa.

Possibly because
you are very angry

and kind of intense right now.

It shouldn't matter
what mood I'm in.

It's meant to have gone.

Fuck.

Or he mostly left you.

But there was an
ember or whatever

the ice equivalent of an
ember is left deep inside you.

And something tonight
caused the ember

to burst into flame or ice.

See you.

You!

Best barmaid ever.

[kissing sound]

Barmaid?

Excuse me, but that's
an offensive term.

Get over it.

And you, you're not such
a bad person, considering

the family that you're from.

And you remind me
of every teacher who's

ever scared the shit out of me.

I am now going to
take my fiance home

so that he can pass out there.

Love your work.

Bye, Axl.

Thanks.

Can I ask you a question?

Yes, I will have
sex with you tonight.

Are you happy?

Now or generally?

Generally.

Why do you ask?

Because there's something
I need to tell you.

Yes.

Yes, I am.

I'm very happy being
right here being who I am.

I have to go in the morning.

No reason to stay, hey?

A very good reason to stay.

But an even bigger
reason why I need to go.

Then why are we
wasting time dancing?

Is everyone OK in here?

Sorry.

Just kind of a family emergency.

Where is everyone?

Uh, Elena left with
Anders, which is just as

well really, because
it was getting

a bit embarrassing to watch.

And Lance had to go.

He has to wake up early
for rock climbing.

You've done the dishes.

Yeah, I thought I
should do something

helpful while I waited.

Waited for what?

To see if you were OK.

I'm sorry if I upset you going
on about your ex father-in-law

like that.

He shall remain an off
limits topic of conversation

between the two of us.

What?

Nothing.

I should go.

Good night, and thank
you for everything.

What?

Sorry, weird deja vu thing.

Did we ever go on
a picnic together?

No.

You must think
I'm deeply strange.

Not at all.

I'll see myself out.

[music playing]

I've been high.

I've been low.

Round the globe, [inaudible]
finding you here.

I strain to recall what came
before this beautiful thing

that has taken over and
I won't let you down.

I just want to make
you proud of me.

I won't let you down or
sweat the small stuff

when you're around.

I just want to make
you proud of me.

I won't let you down.

I won't let you down.

I won't let you down.

I won't let you down.

I won't let you down.

Bringing back happy
childhood memories?

Not really.

In fact, it's kind of like
that whole part of my life

is a big blank.

Oh, yeah, you were
very young when we left.

So how you doing?

I'm feeling much
better, thank you.

And I'm pleased to hear that.

But you still
didn't have to come

all this way to track me down.

Yeah, well that's not
what your text said.

What text?

Stuck in downtown Norsewood,
no clothes, no money,

ready to come home.

Can you get me?

I never sent that text.

It's from your phone.

I threw my phone away.

Then we have a mystery.

But are you?

Am I what?

Ready to come home?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Hey, did you know
I had this thing

where you can win $10,000
by getting a hole in one

at Lake Taupo?

You in a hurry to get back?

Well, I suppose we could make
one or two stops along the way.

[music playing]

I won't let you down.

I won't let you down.

I won't let you down, no.

[theme music playing]