All language subtitles for The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet S03E24 The Witness 1080p AMZN WEB-DL DDP2 0 H 264-CRFW (1)_track4_[eng]

- What are you getting
all dressed up for?

- I'm just about
to make a speech

on behalf of a very old
and trusted friend of all

us Nelsons--

Harriet's, David's,
Ricky's, and mine.

Listerine Antiseptic.

- Oh, you're so right.

Listerine Antiseptic has
so many wonderful uses.

We Nelsons wouldn't
be without it.

[theme music]

- Listerine, the most widely
used antiseptic in the world,

and Antizyme, the first
all-day anti-enzyme toothpaste,

present "The Adventures
of Ozzie and Harriet,"

starring the entire
Nelson family--

Ozzie, Harriet,
David, and Ricky--

with Don DeFore as Thorny.

[wind blowing]

[chirping]

[car horn honking]

[tires skidding]

[car crashing]

- Boy, you sure stopped
all of a sudden, mister.

- Well, I signaled to you.

I put out my hand.

- Are you sure?
- Yes.

- I didn't see a signal.

Did you, Oz?

- No, no, I didn't--
- Hey, did you hurt yourself?

- No.
I'll be all right.

My foot was asleep.

- Oh.

- Uh, are you sure you
gave a hand signal, sir?

- Well, I think I did.

I'm usually pretty careful
about observing traffic rules.

- Well, I don't think there's
any real damage done anyway.

- No.

Well, here's my card.

My insurance company
will handle it.

Have you got a card?

- Gee, I don't think I have.

I'm insured, of course.

I'll give you my
name and address.

Oz, do you have
anything to write on?

- "Hennessy's Fish Market."

You can write on
the back of that.

- Gee, I don't seem to
have my pen with me.

Got a pen?

- Uh, no.

Maybe this gentleman
will let us have his pen.

- Yes, use mine.

Look, do this as quick as
you can, will you, please?

I am late for a
business appointment.

- OK.

There you are.

- Oh, uh, say, may I have
that a minute, please?

I want to copy that number.

Uh, let me have his card,
will you, to write on.

May I borrow that
pen again, please?

- Sure.

Look, I don't like
to sound impatient,

but I really have a very
important engagement.

- Oh, here.

Oh!

[chuckles]

- Oh, uh, wait!

Just a second here.
- Yes?

- I do think we ought to
write down license numbers.

- Oh, I don't think
that's necessary.

You have my phone number
right there on the card.

- Uh, he's right, Thorny.
We've got it right here.

Come on, let's go.
- OK.

Wait, hold it, hold it!

Whoa, whoa!

Bumpers are locked.

- Oh, you're right, Thorny.

They sure are locked.

- I was wondering when you
were going to notice it.

I saw those bumpers were
locked all the time.

- Oh.

Well, good for you.

- I did, too.

It's funny you didn't
notice it before.

- Oh, well, did you
witness the accident?

- Well, no, I didn't.

You see, my girlfriend and I
were looking in the shop window

when we heard the crash.

- Boy, it sure was a loud one.

[imitating crashing noise]
[laughs]

- Would somebody please
do something about this?

I want to get out of here!

- OK, you get back in the
car and start the motor.

- All right.

- Oz, will you help me
try to pry this loose?

- Can I give you a hand?

- Oh, yeah.

Maybe jump right on
the middle there.

Take it easy now.

Got it.

All right, pull slowly forward!

- OK!

- Thanks a lot.

- Yeah, thanks.

- Let's get out of here.

- OK, folks, break it up.

Show's over.

- Did you get your costume
for the masquerade?

- Uh, no, I'm sorry.

I forgot about it in
all the excitement.

- What were you and Thorny
doing out there with his car?

Well, that's just it.

We were looking it over for
dents and squeaks and stuff.

- I wish I could find out
where the squeak in my car

is coming from.

Would you see what
you can do about that?

- Well, yes, I will,
first chance I get.

See, Thorny and I had a
little accident downtown.

- I hope nobody was hurt.

You weren't hurt, were you?

- Oh, uh, no.

In fact, you could hardly
call it an accident,

but I promised I'd
be Thorny's witness.

- What does he
need a witness for?

- Well, you know how those
insurance companies are.

See, this wasn't
Thorny's fault at all,

and he needs somebody to
substantiate his testimony.

The man in front of him
jammed on his brakes

suddenly without any
warning and stopped.

And Thorny crashed right--
and as a matter of fact,

I think this other guy kind of
backed up into Thorny a little.

- He must've had
awfully good brakes.

- Well, I don't know about that,
but I know Thorny certainly

couldn't help it.

He stopped as
quickly as he could.

- Maybe there's something the
matter with Thorny's brakes.

Maybe they're defective.
- No, no, no.

I'm sure they're not.
- Maybe he was daydreaming.

- No, no.
Thorny's a good driver.

He was watching the road.

- Maybe he was driving too
close to the other car.

- No, I'm sure he wasn't.

- How fast was he going?

- Well, at a reasonable
rate of speed.

I'm not sure.

I wasn't watching
the speedometer.

- Why not?

- Well, because I wasn't
doing the driving.

I was watching the
people on the sidewalk.

- Maybe Thorny was, too.

- No, no, I'm sure he wasn't.

- Well, how do you know?

You just said you were watching
the girls on the sidewalk.

- Well, yes, I was
watching the girls--

uh, wait a minute.

It's OK to cross-examine
me about the accident,

but this other
stuff is irrelevant

and, uh, it's irresponsible.

- Well, I'm just trying to
see what kind of a witness

you're going to make.

- I'll make a darn good one.

- I don't know.

You sounded pretty
confused to me.

- Well, in the first place,
this lawyer isn't going to be

as good at cross-examining
people as you are.

You've had years of
experience cross-examining me.

- That type of talk
will get you nowhere.

- When do we eat?

- You're still nowhere.

When do I cross-examine you?

- I'm only kidding, dear.

You're a wonderful
cook, you're beautiful,

and you set a lovely table.

- Now you're getting somewhere.

And we eat in five minutes.

[music playing]

- Your damages total up to $36.

What speed were you going?

- 24 miles per hour.

- Yeah, that sounds reasonable.

- What speed should
we put down for him?

- Well, I suppose it's
a bit of a problem.

See, actually,
remember we figured

he could have backed into us.

- Yeah, that's right.

- Oh, why don't you
just leave that vacant?

[doorbell rings]

I wonder who that is.

I think you've done a very
good job there, Thorny.

- Yeah, I think the whole
thing looks pretty reasonable.

- Yes?

- My name is Fuller.

I'm an attorney.

I was told I'd find
Mr. Thornberry here.

- Oh, yes.
Won't you come in, please?

- Thank you.

- What can we do for you?

- Well, I'm representing
Mr. Rogers, the gentleman

with whom you had the accident.

- Oh, good.

- Oh, uh, won't you
sit down, please?

- Thank you.

- Might as well tell you we're
putting in a claim for damages.

- Oh?

- Yeah, as a matter of fact, we
have it all listed right here.

It comes to $36.

- Ah-ha.

- You'll find everything
in order there.

- Oh, you're in error here.

I believe you'll find
this adds up to $37.

- Well, that's even better.

- Yes.

Uh, may I ask, please, which
of you is Mr. Thornberry?

- Oh, I am.
I'm sorry.

- How do you do?

- How do you do?

- And, uh, here you
are, Mr. Thornberry.

If you'll excuse me.

Good day.

- Uh, just a minute.

What's this?

- A summons and complaint.

- Why should I
have to go to court

over a little thing like this?

Mr. Rogers car
wasn't even damaged.

- Uh, no, but
because of the delay,

my client missed a very
important business meeting

and, as a result,
suffered financial loss.

- Oh.

Well, I suppose a
man's time is valuable.

I don't want to be
unreasonable about this.

We'll just deduct
it out of the $36.

- If you'll pardon
me, Thorny, uh, $37.

- Oh.

- That might be a
little difficult.

My client is asking
for a bit more.

- Well, all right.

How much more?

- Uh, $50,000.

- Uh, $50,000?

- That's right.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

Good day.

- Uh, good day.

Jeez.

Whoa!

Thorny?

- I don't get it.

How can he sue
Thorny for $50,000

if the accident
wasn't Thorny's fault?

- Well, that's just it.

He claims it was.

Fortunately, Thorny
has me for a witness

and I can testify as to
exactly what happened.

- Hey, Pop, come
here for a second!

- Oh, OK.

- Hey, wait a minute.

When are you going to take
care of the squeak in my car?

- Oh, oh, well,
I'll tell you what,

why don't you go out back
now and start the motor?

And I'll find out what Dave
wants, and then I'll come out,

we'll drive around the block,
and I'll take a listen to it.

Hey, that's OK, Dave.

- It's just kind
of an experiment

for my physiology class.

I'm seeing how long I
can stand on my hands.

Could you time me, Pop?

- Oh, yeah.

[music playing]

Go ahead.

- Here you are.

I think Mr. Nelson is
probably home right now.

- You realize that
your whole case hinges

on Mr. Nelson's testimony.

I'll have to put him
on the witness stand.

- Oh, sure, I realize that.

Say, wait a minute.

You don't think there's a chance
of my losing this case, do you?

- Not if Mr. Nelson substantiate
your story about the accident.

That's why it is
so necessary for us

to have a witness of
unquestionable honesty.

- You don't have to
worry about his honesty.

He'll say anything
we want him to say.

- I think I'll go over and
have a talk with him right now.

- Fine.

- Hey, that's real good, Dave.

- How long could you
stand on your hands, Pop?

- Oh, well, I really
don't know, son.

I haven't done much standing
on my hands in quite a while.

I used to be able to stand
on my head for quite a while.

- Well, go ahead.
I'll time you.

- Ozzie, where are
the keys to the car?

- Oh.

I got them right here!

Uh, Dave, will you take these
out to your mother, please?

Start the watch first.

- Stand on your head.

No cheating now, Pop.

[knocking on door]

- Come in!

How do you do?

- Well, I'm looking
for Mr. Nelson.

- Oh, well, I'm Mr. Nelson.

- Well, you're busy, I see.

- Uh, no, I am just seeing how
long I can stand on my head.

- Yes, well, I'll
come back later.

- No, no, that's OK!

[laughter]

[music playing]

- Gee, I think you
had enough, Pop.

You're getting awful
red in the face.

- Boy, I haven't done that
since I was about 10 years old.

How did I do?

- You did great, Pop.

Either that or this
watch is busted.

- I got some great stuff for
you for the masquerade, Pop.

- Oh, let's see it.
[buzzer]

- This buzzes when
your hands shake.

This tie lights up.

[buzzer]
- Oh.

[chuckles] Hey, what'd you
do, buy out the magic store?

Hey, that's pretty funny.

What's this?

- Oh, this is the
best gag of all.

- Oh!

[chuckles] I've
seen those before.

- Here, try this stuff on.

- Oh, thanks.

[music playing]

- Oh, back so soon?

- Well, yes.

- How'd you make out?

- I didn't even
talk to Mr. Nelson.

- Why not?

- It was a little difficult.
He was standing on his head.

- Oz?

- Yes.

- Come on, I've better
go over there with you.

- Boy, this tie is
really terrific.

- That's the tie I
wore to the party.

- Put on the nose, Pop.

["SHAVE AND A HAIRCUT" KNOCK ON
DOOR]

- [SPEAKING QUIETLY] Oh,
there's Mr. Thornberry.

Watch me give him the works.
Stand back, fellas.

- Stand back, nothing.
I'm getting out of here.

- Me, too.

I don't know
anything about this.

- Come in, Thorny!

- Oh!

Don't.

- No, Oz, this is Mr.
Hopkins, and he's my lawyer!

- Oh, oh!
How do you do?

[buzzer]

Oh!

- Oz, Mr. Hopkins
is the attorney

that's handling my case.

- Oh, well, I'm going
to be the chief witness.

I guess my tie must
have short-circuited.

- Yes, well, it's very nice
to have met you, Mr. Nelson.

We'll keep in touch.
- Well, I see you later.

- I'll discuss it
with you later, Oz.

- Well, uh, Thorny.

- Ozzie!

- Yeah?

- You are Ozzie, aren't you?

- I was just trying this
stuff on for the masquerade.

Gee, I had an embarrassing
experience just now.

- Well, you're going
to have another one

if you don't come out and help
me find the squeak in the car.

- Oh, uh, just a few minutes.

- No, right now!

Come on, I've got
the motor running.

Come on.

- Let me get this stuff off.

- Frankly, Mr.
Thornberry, I just

don't know whether Mr. Nelson
will be the kind of witness

we want.

- You mean you
question his honesty?

- No, his sanity.

- He was acting pretty strange.

- Say, do you think
he might have bumped

his head in that accident?

- I was wondering
about that myself.

Oh, there's his wife now.

Usually, they're very
normal, conservative people.

Hi, Harriet.

- Hi, Thorny!

- Mr. Thornberry,
as your attorney,

I think we'd better fight
this case without a witness.

[music playing]

- Oh, hello, dear.

- Hi.

- I've been trying to
get Thorny all morning.

I can't reach him.

- I don't think there's
anybody home over there.

- Oh.

What's this?

- I got your costume.

- Oh, thanks a lot.

You know, it's the
strangest thing.

Every time I try to talk
to Thorny about the trial,

he gives me an evasive answer.

And I don't think
it's my imagination.

He seems to be avoiding me
lately, the last few days.

Have you noticed it?

- No, I haven't seen him.

- I wonder if it's
possible he could have

hit his head in this accident.

- I don't think so.

I couldn't get the
Napoleon outfit,

but I think this is even better.

Here, go upstairs and try it on.

- Uh, just leave it in the box.

I can't figure it out.

He was so anxious to
have me as a witness.

- Go on, try the costume on.

- Oh, hiya, Pop.

How come you're
not at the trial?

- Trial?

You mean to say
the trial is today?

- So I understand.

Will Thornberry
told me his father

was going to be in court today.

- Well, gee, that's funny.

They spoke to me
about a subpoena,

but Thorny said
they'd let me know.

Are you sure, Dave?

- That's what Will told me.

- Did you hear that, Harriet?

- Oh, it's probably just a
preliminary hearing, dear.

Go on, try on your costume.

- Well, I know, but
this is strange.

How can they have the
trial if I'm not there?

I'm Thorny's only witness.

- Your Honor, uh, that isn't
the way it happened at all.

[gavel banging]

- Mr. Thornberry, will you
please stop interrupting?

- Well, I just want you
to get a clear picture

of the case, your Honor.

- That is what I'm trying to
do, but Mr. Rogers' testimony is

in direct conflict with yours.

There was a witness to this
accident, wasn't there?

Ozzie Nelson.

- Your Honor--

[gavel banging]

- Quiet.

Is Mr. Nelson in court?

- No, your Honor.

- Why isn't he?

His name is here.

He's listed as a witness.

- Well, it's true.

Originally, he had agreed
to appear here as a witness.

- Then why isn't he here?

- Yes, why isn't he here?

- Uh, it's a little difficult
to explain, your Honor.

- I don't like the idea of a
man expressing his willingness

to testify and then not
showing up in my court.

I am going to issue
a bench warrant

and have this man brought
in here immediately.

- Your Honor, your Honor!

[gavel banging]

- Court recessed for 30 minutes.

[music playing]

- Oh!

- How do you like it?

- Look at you.

Pretty sharp, boy.

- Appropriate, too.

Admiral Nelson.

How's it fit?

- Well, it's a little bit
tight around Trafalgar Square.

I better let it out a little.

I'll go get my thread.

- OK.

[knocking on door]

Yes?

- Uh, Mr. Nelson?

- Yes?

- You're wanted in
court, immediately.

- Oh!

- What's the trouble?

- Well, this is a bench warrant
for me to appear in court.

- Mr. Nelson's wanted at
the courthouse as a witness.

- Oh, well, you'll
have to change.

- Yeah.

- The judge said immediately.

- I know, but I can't
go down here like this.

I'd look ridiculous.

This suit doesn't fit me.

- Well, I'm sorry, but
I've got my orders,

and they are to bring
you in immediately.

- Well, he can't
go down like that.

- Oh, no, just a
second, Harriet.

After all, if Thorny
needs me in a hurry,

maybe I'd better get
right down there.

That's what friends are for.

Besides, they're used
to seeing uniforms down

at the courthouse.

[music playing]

[gavel banging]

- Where is the witness?

- Here I am, your Honor.

- Are you Mr. Nelson?

- Yes, sir.

The sword here is a little
hard to get through.

- Your Honor, you can see why we
were somewhat reluctant to call

this man as a witness.

- What's this?

- Your Honor, may I ask the
witness a few questions?

Then I think you'll understand.

- Very well.

Witness will take the stand.

- Certainly.

- Raise your right hand.

Do you solemnly swear to tell
the truth, the whole truth,

and nothing but the
truth, so help you God?

- Uh, yes, your Honor.
- State your full name, please.

- Uh, Oswald G. Nelson.

[gasps]

- Mr. Nelson, whom
are you dressed as?

- Oh, well, uh, I'm Lord Nelson.

That is, Admiral Nelson.

However, that has nothing
to do with the case.

- Just answer the
questions, please.

And remember, you
are under oath...

Your lordship.

- Oh, yes.

- Now then, tell me,
the first time we met,

what were you doing?

- Oh, well, I was
standing on my head.

- What for?

- [chuckles] Well, to see
how long I could stand there.

- Then later on, when I
returned to your house

with Mr. Thornberry, will
you tell the court, please,

just exactly what happened?

- Well, uh, I let
you in the door.

- And what were you wearing?

- Oh.

[chuckles] I was wearing one
of those long, funny noses

and a pair of glasses.

[chuckling]

- What did you do?

- Oh, well, I squirted
you with water.

- Was that before or
after your necktie lit up?

[laughter]

- Uh, that was before
the necktie lit up.

- And then later on, did you
go by your house in a station

wagon?

- Oh, yes, I did.

- And where were you riding?

- Well, I was, uh,
hanging out the back.

- Well, your Honor?

- That'll be all.

I'll take the case
under advisement.

Court adjourned.

- I was the whole-- well, you--

oh.

Here, I'll get those.

- What's going on here?

- Well, I'm sorry--

[chuckles] I--

I'll, uh, get these.

[laughter]

[applause]

Thank you, thank you.

[chuckles]

- Come on, mate, I'll take
you back to the bridge.

- Thank you, folks.

[applause]

- Yeah, just great.

[applause]

- What are you looking
so worried about?

You were pretty pleased
when you first came home.

- Well, I know,
Harriet, but the more I

think about this whole
deal, the more I'm

convinced Thorny can't
possibly win the case.

Do you realize they didn't
even give me a chance

to testify about the accident?

[knocking on door]

Well, there's-- come in, Thorny!

- Oz, Oz, I won!

I won!

- Oh, congratulations!

Wait.

You won without my testimony?

How could that be possible?
- Are you kidding?

It was your testimony
that did it!

- I don't understand.

- Neither do I, Thorny.

- Oz, it's simple.

When you got on the stand
in that crazy outfit

and started giving
those crazy answers,

Rogers decided to drop the
suit and pay all damages!

- Isn't that terrific, Harriet?

- Oh, it's wonderful.

- Yeah, and in fact, the judge
spent the last hour hunting

for the dent in my dashboard.

- Well, now wait a minute.

You don't have a dent in
your dashboard, do you?

- I know, but he figured
there must be one

where you bumped your head.

- You mean he thought
I was off my rocker?

- What else?

Wait a minute.

You were kidding in that
outfit, weren't you?

- Well, Thorny,
what do you think?

- Confidentially,
you had me worried.

- As long as you
mention it, you've

had me worried
the last few days.

I was afraid maybe
you'd bumped your head.

You've been acting
awful strange.

[laughter]

[music playing]

[jazz music]

[laughter]

- Oh, hi.

- Oh, hi!

Say, listen, Thorny's
looking for you.

- Oh, really?

I'm looking for him.

- Well, don't shake
hands with him

because he's got one of
those buzzers in his hand.

- Oh, he has, has he?

Well, I'm ready for him.

- Oh, no.

Look, you're not going
to spray water on him.

- Oh, why not?

This party could stand
a little livening up.

How is he dressed?

- He's dressed as a clown.

- Well, that figures.

[chuckles] Oh, there he
is over by the punch bowl.

The clown at the punch
bowl, that's Thorny.

Hiya, Thorny, old boy.

[gasping]

[ending theme]

- Next week, "The Adventures
of Ozzie and Harriet,"

starring the entire
Nelson family--

- Ozzie.
- Harriet.

- David.

- And Ricky.

- --will be brought
to you by Hotpoint.

- And remember, Hotpoint
changes your viewpoint.

- Automatically.

- We of "The Ozzie
and Harriet Show"

are extremely proud
of the fact that

for the third consecutive
year, Ricky Nelson

has been selected as one of
the nation's top juvenile stars

in the annual Milky
Way Gold Star poll.

Congratulations, Ricky.