All language subtitles for The Adventures of Brisco County Jr. - 01x01 - Pilot

Fire in the hole!

Alright,
back to work!

So, Marshal
Brisco County,

now that
you've rounded up

the 13 most notorious
outlaws in all the west,

including John Bly,

what do you do
for an encore?

I believe
I'll smoke this pipe.

Could you help me
out here, Marshal?

I've got a column
to write.

You don't give me
a decent quote,

I'll have to make
something up.

I'm familiar
with your column,
Mr. Collier.

Why break with custom now?

Well, because
in this case

the truth is just
too damn good.

Right here
on this very train

is the entire
John Bly gang.

In 3 days' time,
they'll be safely
locked up

in the federal
penitentiary
in Pennsylvania.

Every lawman west
of the Mississippi
hunted them,

yet you single-handedly
brought them to justice.

Did you hear that, boys?

Single-handedly.

Figuratively speaking,
that is.

[LAUGHING]

Is that
the famous gun

I've heard
so much about?

Just an ordinary peacemaker

with a pretty handle,
Mr. Collier.

Well, it's beautiful.

Maybe so,

but that doesn't
make it shoot
any straighter.

That's all I got
to say on the subject.

Thanks.

That'll do fine.

You know what you
done here, Owens?

You've captured
the epic grandeur

of the great
American West.

Thanks, Pete.

Personally,

I have little use

for this current crop
of Frenchmen.

Slap their paint on--

thick, bold strokes
of vibrant color.

Call themselves
impressionists.

Guess I'm just
a classicist at heart.

Take some
constructive criticism?

I guess so.

Needs a sunset.

It's the middle
of the day, Pete.

It's that kind
of negative thinking

that breeds
the complacency of mod--

[TRAIN WHISTLES BLOW]

Clear the track.

Here she comes.

Weren't you
wearing a tie pin?

Hmm?

When you came onboard,
didn't you have
a tie pin?

Alright, gentlemen,

let's move!

Take your positions.

Come on now!

Ha!

Whoa! Uhh!

Ha ha!

Open fire,
Gentlemen!

Bring that plank
across.

Fire at all windows.

Bring that across.
Let's go!

Right now!

Go! Go! Go!
Go! Go! Go!

Keep moving!
Keep moving!

That's it.

Get the bag now.
Move it in.

My arms.

So sorry, Marshal.

A little change
in plan.

Let's go.

Firsthand, I witnessed
the incredible cunning

of the outlaw
John Bly

as he masterminded
his own escape,

an escape
which occurred

despite the massive
security precautions

the railroad
undertook.

Seems they thought
of everything

except the eyesight
of the engineer.

It still eludes me
how anyone can
drive a train

into the side
of a giant
painted rock

with scenery on it
no more believable

than the backdrops down
at the Horseshoe Club.

That's good.

Well, of course
it's good.

Give me that cigar.

Speaking of clubs,

down at the far more posh
Westerfield Club,

the leading
robber barons of the west

have been convening.

It would seem the return
of John Bly and his gang

is bad for business.

Oh, my God.

It's itching again.

Which one--
the right
or the left?

Both.

Sit down!

Word has it...

word has it
the 5 tycoons

have given their lap dog
and legal counselor,
Socrates Poole,

the responsibility
for hiring

their own private
bounty hunter.

Who, Lord Bowler?

While the infamous tracker
Lord Bowler

has made his appearance
here in town,

he will not be going home
with the assignment.

My sources tell me

the man
with the inside track

is none other than
Brisco County, Jr.

There's another one?

Yes, that's right,

and hats off
to the robber barons

for their selection.

I hear young County

is a Harvard-educated
lawyer,

a scholar,

by all accounts
a man of refinement,

elegance, and polish.

My only question
is this--

how did they
ever rope him into it?

Get the rope.

Any final words,

Señor Brisco County, Jr.?

Yeah.

I didn't do it.

You cheat me in cards,

and now you lie
to my face?

[LAUGHS]

Adios, Señor.

Better luck
in the next world.

Slap the horse.

[WHINNY]

Easy, Comet.

Slap the horse again.

Easy, boy.

Good, Comet.

Slap the horse again!
Iotra vez!

[LOUD WHINNY]

Whoa, buddy.

Right there is good.

[MURMURING
IN SPANISH]

Hang the horse!

[WHINNY]

Wait! I found the card.

I found
the ace of spades.

Where?

It was in Carlos' pocket.

Ahh.

Carlitos...

ivas a pagar
con su sangre!

Whoa, Comet.

Now, Comet! Go!

Hyah!

Hyah!

Socrates,

you're a pretty
smart fellow,
alright,

but I sure hope
you made

the right choice
this time.

Well, I for one like
the man's background.

Trust Poole
to hire himself
another lawyer.

I have to work
with the man,
don't forget.

Don't worry, Socrates.

No one's questioning
your judgment.

How much longer
do we have to wait,

and where is this
Brisco County, Jr.
of yours?

I'm sure he'll
be here any--

Gentlemen,

Mr. County
has arrived.

Which one of you
is Aristotle Poole?

That's Socrates Poole.

Oh, sorry. I guess
that's a common mistake.

Not at all.

Well, it is if you flunked
Greek philosophy

2 years in a row.

[THUMPING]

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

I told you
to wait outside.

This isn't
the first time

we've had
this discussion.

Git!
Behave yourself.

Uh, ahem, you'll have
to excuse Comet.

He doesn't know
he's a horse.

Uh...Mr. County,
I'd like you

to meet
your employers.

Sherman Paulson here.

Mr. Paulson
owns the mines.

Francis
Killbridge.

POOLE: Shipping.

Kenyon Drummond.

Cattle.

Randall Thorogood.

I own the railroads.

Ethan Emerson.

Mr. Emerson owns--

Everything.

No, young man,
just the banks.

Yeah, but the banks
own everything.

Mr. County,
I hope you know
you're late.

Late?

Hell, I almost didn't
make it here at all.

Let me give you fellas
a good piece of advice.

Anybody here play poker?

I guess not.

Forget I mentioned it.

We, uh, understand
you're a lawyer,
Mr. County.

Not anymore.

Tried it.
Didn't much care for it.

Seems like a shameful
waste of 7 years.

It's better than
a shameful waste
of an entire lifetime.

No offense, uh,
Sophocles.

Socrates.

Mr. County, do you
mind telling us

what you've been
up to recently?

Well, I'll tell you.

I've been looking.

Looking?

For the coming thing.

The coming thing?

It's 1893.

We're only seven years
away from a new century--

the 20th century.

Don't you sense it?

The coming thing.

It's right out there
on the horizon.

It's just
around the corner.

Exactly what is
the coming thing,
Mr. County?

You fellas
aren't too bright

for a bunch
of robber barons,
are you?

If I knew exactly
what it was,

it wouldn't be coming.
It would already be here.

I think I've heard
enough, Mr. County.

We're not fools,

and we're certainly not
going to be treated as such.

Good day to you, sir.

Hang on.

Let's not
be hasty.

This is a waste of time.
Let's get Lord Bowler.

Just a minute!

I want this job...

and I'm the man
to get it done.

Now, never mind that
I'm Brisco County's son.

This job isn't
my birthright.

The important thing is
I can outshoot,

outride, outspit,

outfight, outthink

John Bly or any one
of his gang.

You didn't make a mistake
when you hired me,

but you're about
to make one now.

That's all
I've got to say
on the subject.

Hold it.

Socrates, take Mr. County
into your office

and have him sign
the damned employment
agreement.

Yes, sir,
Mr. Emerson.

Come with me.

You're not quite
what I expected,
Mr. County.

Well, expectations lead
to disappointment,
Socrates.

That's why I try
not to have any.

You almost cost us
both our jobs.

They do not like
to be called

robber barons,
you know.

Of course they don't.

It isn't exactly
a compliment.

Hand me a towel,
will you?

Huh?

A towel.
Right behind you.

Thanks.

Don't start getting
the wrong idea.

I'm not your lackey
or your butler.

I am a liaison

between you
and your employer.

You will provide me
with regular updates
on your progress,

and I in turn
will issue you

bimonthly pay vouchers
for your services,

and if you expect
to be reimbursed

for any
out-of-pocket expenses,

I suggest
you keep your receipts.

Do you make up these
little speeches
in advance

and then memorize them?

Some people regard
my skills in this area

as an asset.

These have been
sent here for you.

Your father's things.

Well, I'll keep this.

What about the rest?

Sent it off to
the dead sheriffs museum.

That's a bit cold,
isn't it?

What if it is?

I withdraw the comment.
That's none of my business.

Look, uh, Socrates,

my father was
the greatest lawman

the west
has ever seen,

but he knew it was
a risky profession,
and so did I.

In other words,
you had a long time
to prepare for his death.

All my life.

I see.

Did you drop something?

What is it?

It's for me.

"Stanion's.
Table four.

3 P.M."

What do you think?

I think I'm starving.
I haven't eaten
in two days.

We're already late.

Just imagine,
Socrates,

what this city is
going to be like

with an entire
system of cables

hauling trolleys
up and down
these streets?

With all the attendant
risks of negligence
and liability.

It's a lawyer's
nightmare.

Well, you better
get used to it,

because
it won't be long

before there's
motorized trolleys

that don't
even need tracks.

You know, it's admirable
that you have this ability

to constantly
think about the future.

I myself find that I'm always
bogged down in the present.

I wonder who
sent this, anyway.

Me!

I did.

Lord Bowler--

manhunter.

You may have
heard of me.

Ah, once or twice.

With your daddy around,
I could barely
make a living.

Now, just when things
are looking up,

I find out there's
another Brisco County.

You ain't got
the huevos rancheros
for this job, County,

so I suggest you quit
while you're ahead.

I'm going after
Bly and his gang,

and I'm going alone.

Hmm. I don't
think so, Bowler.

Then I propose
a little challenge,
County.

Last man remaining
at this table
gets the job.

Well, that's fine
by me, Bowler,

but I gotta
warn you--

I'm real hungry,
and I could be here
all day.

Let's find out.

Uh, excuse me.
I'm late for
a deposition.

Oh, waiter.

Yes, sir.

We're ready to order.

Yes, sir.

Mm-mmm. Oh, it all
looks so good.

Did you want
something, Bowler?

I've already eaten.

Hmm.

What do you recommend?

The minute steak.

Huh. Hmm.

I can't decide.

Uh, what are you
having, Euripides?

County, you ain't nothing
but a sugar-foot
glory grabber

out to make a name
for hisself

using his dead daddy's
overblown reputation.

What would your dead,
dumb daddy think of that?

I'll take the steak,
thick and rare.

Right away, sir.

He'd think you were right.

You lose.

Guess again.

Aah!

Ohh.

Get the police!

Your steak, sir.

Well done.

No. Rare.

Guess I'll eat
at the bar...

or...behind bars.

[EXPLOSION]

No, no. You boys
got it all wrong.

This belongs
to the railroad.

The track
may belong to you,
Mr. Thorogood,

but the land is
the government's,

and that goes for
everything found on it.

Sir, I hope
you understand
that this object

may be of extreme
scientific
importance.

That's hogwash.

I would hardly say
that an object

that appears to give off
supernatural strength
is hogwash.

I'm referring
to the validity of
the government's claim.

Nevertheless, the government
is taking possession.

It's my job to transport
this orb here

on the special
government gold train
to Washington.

Why Washington?

It's going to my lab
at the Smithsonian

for study
and safekeeping.

You really believe

that this orb
has some special powers?

Mr. Thorogood,
let me put it this way.

As a scientist,

I have studied what has
happened here empirically,

and I see no
better explanation.

Now, if you'll excuse us.
Sir, we've got work to do.

Let's get this thing
packed up.

[EXPLOSION]

Careful now. Careful.

What are we
hauling here?

It's an unearthed
foreign object.

That's kind
of a mouthful...

chief.

Alright.

All aboard.

Let's move them out.

Spitting is spitting!

60 days hard labor!

Look, I know this judge.

He's tough, but he's fair.

Everybody gets
the same treatment,

so just keep
your mouth shut

and take
your 60 days.

Alright, come on,
come on, next.

What have we here?

"Disorderly conduct...

"public fighting...

aggravated mayhem"!

Excuse me,
your honor.

What is it?

I have a motion
for the court.

I'd like to request
a jury trial.

A jury trial?

Yes, sir,
that's right.

Judge, so you know,

I have nothing
to do with this man.

We're in this separately.

I also request a list
of prosecution witnesses

who will testify
against me.

Are you a lawyer?

Yes, I am.

Well, I have no time
for a jury trial!

Well, sir,
the constitution

requires
that you make time.

Not if there's no case.

Get this damn lawyer
out of my courtroom!

Case is dismissed!

Thank you,
your honor.

Thank you, your honor.

[WHISTLES]

Not you, him.

Huh?

You get 60 days
hard labor!

Wait! That's not fair!
I'm with him!

Come on, get him out
of my courtroom!

I'm with him.

Get him out of here!

That's far enough.

I--I got a message
from Mr. Bly.

In a few days' time,

a special government
gold train

will be leaving
San Francisco,

heading for
the U.S. Treasury
in Washington, D.C.

This is the main rail line.

This is an abandoned track

once used by the ore trains

of the Humboldt
Mining Company.

The spur we're building
connects the two...

right here.

Who's that?

Big Smith
and his gang.

Train goes through
a tunnel right here,

just before our spur.

That tunnel will be
filled with knockout gas.

Ha ha ha!

The guards won't know
what hit them.

Yeah, Big.

Neither will
the engineer.

How we going to
stop this train?

Train's got
a dead-man's switch.

If the engineer
releases the throttle,

the train comes
to a halt.

That's when we get on board.

We drive it across our spur,
onto the other tracks,

then we do
what we got to do.

Why rob a train
and not a bank?

Robbing a train's like
robbing a moving bank.

It's hard enough
to rob a bank

without it speeding by
100 miles per hour.

You're crazy, Pete!

Trains don't
go anywheres close
to 100 miles per hour.

Sure, they do.

What? They do not.
You gone loco?

Do, too.
They do not!

Clackety-clack,
clackety-clack,
down the track,

down the track!
Clackety-clack,
clackety-clack,

down the track!
Shut up!

No more banks.

No more...

penny ante heists.

This, uh, train...

is going to give us
the resources

to bring my grand plan
to its rightful conclusion.

Excuse me, Mr. Bly.

Not that I
relish the idea

of playing
devil's advocate,

but isn't
the train schedule

a closely guarded
secret?

Ha ha ha!

We've got somebody
working on that.

Tycoons
and the politicians--

what is it that
gives them the right

to rule this country?

Money?

Power?

Correct on both accounts.

And after this, we're going
to be the ones with both,

and then this whole...

country...

is going to be right here
in the palm of my hand.

Ha ha ha!

Who the hell are you?

I'm, uh...

I'm Lightning Bill Hookman
from San Francisco.

I've got some information
for you.

What is it?

The tycoons...

they've hired
a bounty hunter.

Who--Lord Bowler?

Brisco County.

You idiot. He's dead!

Brisco County, Jr.

The son...

seeking revenge
for the death
of the father.

I love it!

You may leave now,
Lightning Bill.

It's my pleasure,
Mr. Bly.

It's been a real honor--

Get out!

I'm going.

Oh, Bill...

be very careful
on the way out.

Stay to your left.

Thank you, sir.

Aah!

[SPLASHING]

Oh...

did I say left?

I meant right!

Now, you go
take care of Junior.

You mean kill him?

That's right.

We're going to
get Brisco in Frisco.

How?

Use the, uh...

Scarred-foot Clan.

But the Scarred-foot Clan...

they...

they hate us.

Exactly.

Ahh, it's amazing
how good a bath feels

when you haven't had one
for two or three weeks.

I wouldn't know.

Is something wrong?

Yes! We are not getting off
to a very good start here.

Certainly
your time in jail

won't be recoupable
against your guarantee.

Relax. The day and
a half wasn't wasted.

Now, where's
that newspaper
I had in there?

Hopefully burned, along
with all your clothes.

Ah, here it is.

Listen to this...

uh...

Jonah Collier's column--
ever read it?

Never.

Well, I don't blame you.

He refers to you here as
"Thorogood's lap dog."

What?
Mm-hmm.

Let me see that.

Don't be so sensitive.

Calm down.

It's about Bly's escape.

Uh, ahem.

Um, blah blah,
blah blah, blah blah.

Blah blah,
blah blah, blah blah.

"How anyone
could drive a train

"into a giant painted rock

"with scenery on it
no more believable

than the backdrops down
at the Horseshoe Club."

So?

So how many
scenic painters

could there be
around here?

Maybe we ought to go down
to the Horseshoe Club

and talk to this guy.

Is this the kind
of deductive reasoning

you learned
at Harvard?

No. At Harvard, mainly
we learned drinking songs,

and how to unsnap
a woman's--

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Who's that?

[KNOCKING]
Maybe it's Comet.

Oh, I see you've
taught him some manners.

Now at least he knocks
before he enters.

No, actually, it's
my room service order.

Uh, must be some kind
of mistake.

I didn't order Chinese.

Hyah!

Hyah!

Oh!

Hyah!

Oh!

OK.

Come on!

Brisco!
Hyah!

Oh! Oh!

Aah!
Aah!

Ah! Ha ha!

Oh!
Help!

Help!

Hand me the gun.

I can't reach.

Then shoot him.

I can't.

Then shoot me
and put me out
of my misery.

Hyah!

Ah...

oh!

My hands are slipping.

I've got a good grip
under your belt.

Hyah!

Oh!
Oh!

Hyah!

Aah!
Aah!

You OK?

I appear to be uninjured
if that's what you mean,

but I am not OK

in the sense that
I approve or consent

to what just occurred.

Sorry I asked.

Oh!

Who were
those people anyway?

Well, your guess
is as good as mine.

No, it's not,

and I'm distressed
that you think it is.

You know, Socrates,

you really need
to develop a personality

for the times when
you're not in court.

Oh.

What's that?

One of those Tongs

wore this
around his neck.

It's a cheap
Chinatown trinket.

The city's full of them.

Do me a favor, Socrates.

Go on down to
the Horseshoe Club.

And see what information
you can dig up

on that guy who
paints their backdrops.

Well, where are you going?

Chinatown.

Hello.

Can I help you?

Yeah. I, uh...

I need some information.

Of course.

Anything you want.

Information is free.

Oh, good.

There's something
that I found that
I want to show you.

Wait!

Perhaps you want
to buy something first

so you don't feel
that you're taking
advantage of me.

How much is that?

20 bucks.

Well, you're right. Now
I don't feel so guilty

over all this
free information
I'm about to get.

And I need
a receipt for that.

Receipt?
Yeah.

Never mind
just more work for me.

[MUMBLING]

Where did you get this?

You recognize it.

What does it mean?

Just remembered.
We're closed.

What?

We're closed. Take
your music box and go!

It's Chinese holiday.

There's no
Chinese holiday.

It's a little-known
Chinese holiday.

Ooh, look!
What?

Hey, hey, hey,
hey, the charm!

Open the door.

Hey.

Where are you?

I want my charm back!

And I want
that receipt, too.

Oh!

Ooh!

Chinatown.

Uhh!

Uhh! Uhh!

Uhh! Uhh!

Uhh! Uhh!

Hyah!

[SPEAKING CHINESE]

[SPEAKING CHINESE]

This is the man
Big Smith sent.

Huh?

Big Smith hired him

to seek us out
and destroy us.

What are you
talking about?

No, no, no, no. Wait.
You got the wrong--

Silence!

We are
the Scarred-foot Clan.

No kidding?

We exist only to fight
the tyranny of Big Smith.

Yeah, well, good.
That puts us
on the same side.

I said...
[SPEAKING CHINESE]

We train to battle
men like you.

At least,
you will give one
of my warriors

some valuable
experience.

Oh! Hey, hey, whoa.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Hey, hey!

Whoa, yuh!

[SIZZLING]

[SPEAKING CHINESE]

Ooh!

Ha ha ha!

Ooh! Ooh!

Aah! Aah! Oh!

Stop!

Where did you
get this gun?

Who wants to know?

I am Lee Pow...

and who are you?

I'm my father's son.

Brisco County, Jr.?

[SPEAKING CHINESE]

I carved this handle
myself

in gratitude
of a great favor

your father
once did for me.

Now you must
avenge his death.

No, Lee Pow.
Not avenge his death.

Complete his work.

It looks like
I start with Big Smith.

Smith is the first tentacle
of John Bly's empire.

He and his gang control
a vast slave trade

of Chinese workers.

Where's Big Smith now?

Somewhere in
the mountains.

I don't know where.

There is something else
that you should know.

Four workers
recently fled

from one of Big Smith's
chain gangs.

While blasting
for a tunnel, they--

they discovered
something--

something strange,
something mysterious--

a metallic orb.

They said when they
touched this orb,

they felt an energy...

a mystical power,

a sense of a--
a greater force.

It gave them the strength
to set themselves free.

I need a lead, a clue,
some place to start.

Uh-huh.

Dixie Cousins.

Big Smith's girlfriend.

Uh, she lives somewhere,

uh...in this town,
I think.

Dixie Cousins.

Thanks, Lee Pow.

Good luck.

And don't forget--

the spirit of
your father guides you.

[SPEAKING CHINESE]

The backdrop painter
is named Owens.

He quit
about a month ago,

left town,
never came back.

Right about the time
of the train escape.

What did you learn?

Bly's right-hand man,
Big Smith,

has a girlfriend
named Dixie Cousins.

Let me
have two whiskeys

off the top shelf.

And that she
may be here in town.

That's it?

Well, it's a start.

Oh, uh, I need
a receipt for that.

What's so funny?

I'm sorry, but this
is a huge city.

How on earth are you
going to find this woman,

go knocking
door to door?

Be realistic,
my dear Brisco.

Dixie Cousins is not
going to just fall
from the sky

into your lap.

Ladies and gentlemen...

the incomparable
Dixie Cousins!

Not exactly in my lap,
but close enough.

I've

Looked around
the country

And I've

Seen it all

And what I want

I'm ready to name

It's big and strong
and handsome

And it's 6 feet

Tall

I'm gonna file my claim

I struck a real bonanza

And he's rough and rash

But what he's got

I'm ready to tame

He's worth
a fancy fortune

But it's not in cash

I'm gonna file my claim

Boy, you're a sweet
little thing.

Stop it!

Lose the fever

Oh, come on, baby.

Give me just
one little kiss.

Mmm. Mmm.

Ohh!

That I can throw
my fancies round

[CRASHING]

The man's the...

Sorry about that.

Where did you learn

how to throw a punch
like that?

Catholic school.

That was going
to be my first guess.

You OK?

Oh, sure.
It's just my nose.

Now, that other fella,

he may have a hard time
riding home tonight.

Ooh, what a mensch

Can't these
saddle tramps

keep their hands
to themselves?

Look at how I'm dressed.

Do I look like somebody

that wants to be pawed
and fondled?

Well, I, uh...

No.

The answer is no.

Dad!

Amanda!

I've been looking
for you,

it's time
for us to go.

But the show just started.
The second show.

But I came to San Francisco
just to see her sing.

The second show
on the second night.

Let's go.

Do you have everything,

your glasses, pills,
notebook, pocket watch?

Yes. No.

Forgot it.
Never use it.

What would I do
without her?

Professor
Albert Wickwire,

chemist, physicist,
experimentalist.

Hi.
Come on, Dad.

Bye.

Whoo! Whoo!
Whoo! Whoo!

Whoo! Whoo!
Whoo! Whoo!

Whoo!

Who's gonna help me

Help, help me

Who's gonna help me

File my claim

Tonight?

Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

Lawyers.

Whoa!

Whoa.

Hyah!

[WHINNIES]

Evening, ma'am.

All aboard!

What on earth
are you doing?

That's larceny.

What?

You just took
that man's ticket
and his case.

I have no idea what
you're talking about.

Oh, uh, make sure Comet
gets a green apple
for breakfast.

He'll love you for life.

Hyah!

Excuse me.

I'm looking for Comet.

Ah.

I couldn't find green.

You'll have to
settle for red.

I'm sorry.
It's the best I could do.

Oh, please.

An apple's an apple.

The color is immaterial.

Where's Brisco?

Huh?

Who said that?

Me.

Comet.

A talking horse, huh?

Yeah, I can talk.

What's wrong with that?

Oh, no.
Nothing at all.

More power to you,
I say.

So, where's Brisco?

Where's my master?

I really need
to find him.

It's--ooh, hoo hoo--

very important.

I'm sorry.

That's privileged
information, Comet.

Or should I say...

Lord Bowler?

Yeah, well,

you ain't as stupid
as you look, Poole.

I see you've escaped,
Bowler.

So much for the virtues of
our criminal justice system.

Where's County?

That's for me to know

and you to find out.

You little
law-book-reading,

robber-baron
butt-kissing,

Brisco-hiding sissy!

You tell me!

Why don't you ask Comet
the talking horse?

That's the best idea
you ever had, counselor.

[KISSING NOISES]

[NEIGHS]

[MEN LAUGHING]

I'm starting
to like that stuff.

Ohh.

Come, boys!

Come on!

[LAUGHING]

Have we reached
the mountains yet?

Oh, I was just
getting there.

I mean, uh...

we're almost there.

Did you sleep well,
Miss Cousins?

No, not really.

I hate sleeping alone.

Oh, you're not alone.

I been here
all the while.

You missed my point,
Mister...

Merriweather.

Roscoe Merriweather.

What's
in the sample case,

Roscoe?

Let's take a look.

Oh, my.

Very fancy.

Oh, I'd love to
sample this one.

What's it for?

They're for grooming...

animals.

Large animals.

Zoo animals.

You mean like
lions and tigers?

That's right.

Sounds like
dangerous work.

Well, ma'am,
I don't actually
do the grooming.

I just...

sell the brushes.

But enough about me.

Tell me where
you're headed.

For trouble.

I'm going to
start some.

How's that?

That's between me
and my boyfriend.

And he's waiting for me
at the next stop.

Hmm.

Very fancy.

Oh

She'll be comin'

Comin'

Comin', comin',
comin', comin'

Around that old mountain

Oh, when she comes

When she comes

She'll be comin'

Comin', comin', comin'

Round that old mountain

Oh, when she comes--

Shut up, Pete!

When she come

[LAUGHING]

Pickle.

What's happening?

Looks like
we lost our drivers.

The stage
is out of control.

Oy.

What do we do now?

Well,
I could swing out,

get a good foothold,

and climb up
to the top of the stage.

And if I'm real careful
and God's on my side,

I could leap
onto the back
of the rear horse

and work my way out
to the lead team,

taking care
not to fall beneath
their thundering hooves,

then reach out,
grab the bridle
of the lead horse,

and rein them in
to a safe and
steady stop.

Oh, my.

Or...

we could jump.

Oh.

Aah!

Ohh!

Oh!
Oh! Aah!

Oh!

Uhh!

Oh.

Oh, my.

Mmm.

[HORSE NEIGHS]

[GUNS COCKING]

Uh...

Ooh.

Uh, your...

your dress is caught
in my fly.

Oh.

I'll get that for you.

Oh, no, no, no.

That's OK.
I got it.

Hiya, Dix.

Have a nice trip?

Oh.

Not bad...

all things considered.

You got what I need?

Don't I always?

Who's your friend?

Allow me
to introduce somebody

calling himself...

Roscoe Merriweather.

Roscoe,
this is Big Smith.

That's Pete Hutter,

and this is
some of Big's gang.

My pleasure.

Yeah,
nice knowing you, too.

You can shoot him now, Pete.

You're going to kill him?

You used my name, Dix.

You know the rules.

[GUN COCKS]

Dixie,

kind of a stickler
for gun safety.

Could you move a little
to the left?

Don't you get it?

He's somebody.

Sorry, Dixie.

Existential thought
doesn't hold much water

out here
in the territories.

Uh, Dixie's right.

I'm not really
Roscoe Merridoodle.

Merriweather.

Uh, yeah, Merriweather.

It's Wiley Stafford.

I'm an outlaw
on the run.

K-Kansas
Wiley Stafford?

Do I know you?

Oh, no, sir.

Who is he?

He's one crazy,
mean son of a buck,
that's who he is.

I seen him kill 5 men
in a Dodge City saloon

nigh on 2 years ago.

Five on one,

and he killed them all.

Course, I had
my snoot in sawdust

to keep my head
from being blowed off.

I knew it.

Kansas Wiley Stafford.

Where are you from,
Kansas?

Answer the man.

I'm from Kansas.

Please, Big.

Can't we keep him?

"Can't we keep him?"

Sure.

Sure, Dixie.
We can keep him.

He saved your life,
didn't he?

Mount up, Kansas.
You're riding with us.

Something tells me
you and me

are going to be
the best of friends.

Welcome to Sutter Creek.

5 years ago,
the gold ran dry.

Now the sheriff's dead,

the mayor runs a brothel,

and the minister's
a drunk.

My kind of town.

Come on, Kansas.

Let me buy you
a drink.

That's quite a hat
you have there, Big.

You're looking at $3,000,

real money.

You know
that old expression,

"He's got a price
on his head"?

Well, in my case,
it's the truth.

You'd have to kill me
to get that hat, Kansas.

Now, why would I
want to do that?

Tell me something,
Kansas.

In all your travels,

you ever
run across a cowboy

by the name of, uh,
Brisco County, Jr.?

Can't say that I have.

Oh, uh,
wait a minute.

He's a U.S. Marshal
or something like that.

No, that's the father.

I'm talking about
his son.

Oh.

Sorry.
I'm drawing a blank.

I ain't too concerned
about the father anymore.

He's dead.

Is that so?

Well, not only that,

but I'm the one
who killed him.

Well, me and 12 others,
to be exact.

We drilled him
so full of holes,

he looked like a cheese.

He had it coming.

The man was
a craven coward,

a pox-ridden
squaw lover...

and a card-cheating drunk.

You sure you never
heard of his son?

Nope.

Now I hope
I never do.

Thanks for the drink...

Big.

I'd like to send this
by telegraph

to San Francisco.

What is this--
Spanish?

Uh, Latin.

[TELEGRAPH TAPPING]

Hold it.

You misspelled
that word.

Send it again.

Oh, whoo, here,
let me help you.

It's OK.
I've got it.

It's you...

from the bar.

Look.

No permanent damage.

[BELL CLANGS]

What are you doing,
Kansas?

We're all
down at the bar.

Why don't you hurry back
before somebody
misses you?

Are you with
these people?

[BANGING]

Uhh.

Stupid fool.

He's sorry.

It was an accident.

Apologize, Dad.

Oh, my golly.

What a mess.

Sorry.

Mind giving me a hand?

You're about
to have a religious
experience, Grandpa.

How's that?

You're going to
see Jesus.

Pete...

put the gun down.

They say
I'm the fastest draw

west of the Colorado.

You care to try me...

Kansas?

I don't know.

I'm not that good
at geography.

My God.

He touched
Pete's piece.

Nobody touches
Pete's piece.

You're touching
my piece, Kansas.

The man apologized.

Forget about it.

Forget about it?

You mean
rip it from my memory

like a picture
from a book?

Picture of a small boy,

kind of shy,
with big ears,

who only wanted
to be liked?

The laughing faces
of his classmates

mocking him

because he forgot to wear
his pants to school.

Is that what you mean?

You lost me, Pete.

I'm calling you out,
Kansas.

[DOOR OPENS]

You don't want
to do that.

You touched
Pete's piece.

That's something
you don't want to do
with Pete.

It's done.

Outside.

Kansas Wiley Stafford

just touched
Pete's piece.

Get out
of my way!

This is crazy.

It was an accident.

Amanda, take your father
and get back inside.

Alright.
Alright.

5 bucks on the new guy.

I'll take 5 bucks.

You ready?

Pride comes before
a fall, Pete.

So does an ounce of lead
in the brainpan.

Well, it was
nice knowing him.

Which one?

You ain't
in Kansas anymore...

Kansas.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Uhh.

Uhh.

Uhh.

Eeh.

[THUD]

Good God.

Good riddance.

Nice work, Kansas.

You just killed
my 4 best men--

Pete and Scratchy
and...

those other two.

I'm sorry, Big.

Guess I was
just thinking
of myself.

Hey, what's done
is done, huh?

Bravo, young man.

Did you employ
vector calculations,

or did you simply estimate
the incidental angle

of the bullet's
trajectories?

Well, actually,
I just sort of

shut my eyes
and hit the dirt.

Not bad.

Thanks.

Nice work...

Kansas.

Da-da--

D-Dixie!

Dixie Cousins!

I don't believe it!

Horseshoe Club,
San Francisco.

Oh, a fan.

Are you
playing here in town?

Well, yes.

But only in private.

Well, I'm sure
Miss Cousins is anxious

to try out her act.

Let's go, Dad.

Bye-bye.

Amanda,
wait a minute.

Um, I--I think
you got the wrong idea.

Forget about her.

She got no use for
the outlaw breed.

And those who tried
make up their own
soprano choir.

Dixie, don't
wait up for me.

I got a lot
of work to do.

You like the bed?

It comes from France.

Louis XIV?

No.

I think Louis
was the ninth or tenth.

But then
a lady never counts.

Oh?

Then what are
those notches
on your bedpost?

Ah, just a few scratches

that occurred
during shipping.

You know, I get all
my best ideas in bed.

Like what?

Taking over
Big Smith's gang?

Kansas,
I am surprised at you.

You think
I think that small?

Ooh, but Big is...

pretty big,
isn't he?

[THUMP]

Big's big,
alright.

But there are those
who are bigger.

Like John Bly.

[GLASS SHATTERS]

How did you know
Bly's involved?

Involved in what?

Boy, we really are
doing a dance here,

aren't we, Kansas?

I knew you'd be
a good partner.

I can't dance
without music, Dixie.

I think it's time
for you to sing.

There's a train
coming through tomorrow.

A gold train?

Maybe.

What's Big Smith's plan?

He's working
on the railroad

while someone's
in the kitchen
with Dixie.

The railroad where?

South.

Mmm-hmm.

How...

far?

Pretty far.

Over the hill

and down
through the valley.

Any more questions?

Mm-mmm.

[BED SQUEAKS]

[CLANGING]

Someone's working
on the railroad.

Hyah!

Keep 'em working!

Spur's got to be
done tonight!

[SNORING]

Oh.

[HORSE NEIGHS]

What is it?

I don't know.
Someone was watching us.

Well, get him!

Hyah!

That's it!
Come on!

Hyah! Hyah!

Hyah! Hyah!

Hyah!

Hyah!

Uhh!

Hyah! Hyah!

Hyah!

Come on, boy!

What are you
doing here?

Uh, don't ask
any questions.

Just play along.

You want something?

Uh--uh,
didn't mean to
disturb you, Kansas,

or anything, but...

But?

Ahem.

Sorry, Kansas.

Hyah!

Hyah!

Hey!

Kansas!

Yes, sir.

Let me show you...

what I've been
working on.

Excuse us, Amanda.

A rocket.

That's beautiful.

The coming thing.

What?

Uh...nothing.

I know what
you're thinking--

she'll never fly.

Of course she will.

If it doesn't
blow up first.
The last 3 did.

Fourth time
is a charm.

You know,
in the future--

Rockets will chart
the stars.

That's right.

You're right.

He's right,
you know.

Nitro-cellulose
for propulsion.

That's what
I'm trying.

Course, the problem
is containing the
rate of combustion.

Exactly.

And then
you've got to worry
about stabilization.

That's why I'm working
with this set of fins.

You know,
you might try 4
instead of 2.

It increases
the friction,

but you minimize
your central
axis rotation.

That's very interesting.

Kansas,
stay for dinner.

So much
to discuss.

Oh, I can't.
There's going to be
a train robbery.

See, Dad? He can't stay
because he's got to
get back and rob a train.

I'm not robbing it.
I'm trying to stop it.

They're gonna divert
a gold train

onto the spur right up
here on the main line.

What are you doing
after that?

You're not an outlaw?

No.

Then who are you?

Brisco County.

Is that
where you're from?

No, Ma'am.

That's...who I am.

Where'd you go?

I was
looking forward
to breakfast in bed.

Sorry, Dixie.

I'm an early...riser.

Uhh!

Well, now,
lookie who we found

snooping around
last night--

Lord Bowler.

Had some pretty interesting
things to tell me, too,

such as Brisco County, Jr.'s
hot on our trail.

Maybe he's right here
in town.

Well, maybe he's right here
in this room.

Well, is he, Bowler?

Point him out to me.

You see him?

No.

Ugh!

You lying half-breed.

Bring in the horse.

Where's Brisco, Comet?

Find Brisco.

That's what
I thought you'd say,

but maybe you better
check one more time.

Uh-uh.

Brisco first.

Hey, Comet,
how you been?

I knew you were
too good to be true.

Some days it pays
to stay in bed.

Well, boys,
we got to run.

We got a train
to catch.

Of course, it's going
to catch you first.

Ha ha ha ha!

Thanks for not
giving me away.

Don't thank me
for nothing.

Last thing I wanted
was for you to be
beholden to me.

Why didn't you kill Smith
when you had the chance?

Because it's bigger
than Big Smith.

John Bly's coming
here to rob a train.

What train?

[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS]

Oh.

That train.

Comet!

There's
that nag that got us
into this place.

I only hope now
that I splatter
my internal organs

all over
your stupid face!

Shut up.
He can help us.

He can bite
through the ropes.

He can? You mean he's
done this before?

Well, no, but it's
worth a try, isn't it?

You got any better ideas?

OK, OK.
Get on with it.

Here, boy.
Come on over here.
Come on, boy.

Come on, Comet.
Go, go, go.

There you go.

Good boy. Good--

You two having
a family reunion,

we're about to get
a cowcatcher up the rear.

OK, Comet.
Bite the ropes.

Bite through
the ropes.

Me first, Comet.
Me first.

Hey, hey.
Don't confuse my horse.

It is every man
for hisself, County.

Me first, Comet.

I'll show you a place
with so many green apples,

they'll be growin'
on trees.

Comet!

Comet!

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS]

Good boy.
Good boy. That's it.

Ha!

Aah! County!

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

Hurry up.
Hurry up.
Hurry up.

Hurry up.
Hurry up.
Hurry up.

Aah!

Ohh...ohh...
thank you, Lord.

Thank you,
Brisco.

Thanks, Comet.

And just for your
information,

all apples
grow on trees.

Brisco, untie me.

I got a train to catch.

But what about me?

[WHINNIES]

I'll come back for you.

What are you doing?

That train
went that way!

What about me?

I need your rocket.

Now.

I don't know why
I never thought of this.

It would've been
perfect for early
propulsion tests.

What exactly
is your plan?

I either catch that
train or be in Denver
for lunch.

Try the omelet.
I hear it's great.

Brisco?

Can't talk now, Amanda.

Light the fuse.

If you don't mind, I think
we're gonna step back a bit.

It works!

But it needs brakes.

Brisco?

Damn.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

[COUGHING]

It's going too fast.

Let's go!

Yah! Yah!

Yah!

[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS]

There's no brakes.

No fuel.

[GRUNTING]

Here's the gold,
just like Bly promised!

Whoo! Ha ha!

What's this?

Hey, Big...

what's "UFO" mean?

Open it
and find out.

Whoa, would you
look at that?

It's incredible.

Big...

Big, get over here.

Hey, get away
from that!

Do we get to
take it?

Bly said
take everything.

Hey!

County!

Unh!

Aah!

Grr! Aah!

Open that door!

Open that door!

Aah!

Aah!

Either untie us
or do something.

This here's
a runaway train.

And we're running
out of track.

Now I got
too many brakes.

Yeow!

Yaaah!

[PANTING]

Oh, County.

I'm terribly sorry,
Mr. Thorogood.

It's alright, Gordon.
I can handle it.

If you're looking
for your bounty,

you've come to
the wrong department.

See Mr. Poole.

No. I'm here
on another matter.

Hmm.

I'm all ears.

When did you go
into partnership
with John Bly?

I beg your pardon?

You heard me.

My hearing is fine.

It's your reasoning
that seems impaired.

This is your cane,
isn't it, Thorogood?

It's very distinctive.

Do you use it often?

On occasion.

The night you passed
the gold train's schedule
on to Dixie Cousins?

Oh, I see
where you're
going with this.

Should I continue?

Please do.

You have me on the
edge of my chair.

Your train was carrying
more than gold
back to Washington.

It also carried an object
known as the orb.

That's correct.

So what?

The government
owns it.

They claimed it.

They're taking it
to the Smithsonian
for study.

But you wanted it
for yourself.

So you went
into partnership with Bly.

You tipped him off
to the train schedule
so he could rob it.

He gets the gold,
you get the orb,

and Washington
would never know
you had it.

Why are you wasting my
time with all of this?

You seem to have it
all figured out.

Except one thing.

Why do you want it?

What's so important
about the orb?

Why don't you
ask the coolies
who found it, hmm?

They took one of the
rods out of the orb,

and it gave them
each the strength
of a dozen men.

Hard to believe,
isn't it?

Incredible, huh?

But it's true.
I know it's true...

because I tried it
myself.

You what?

I tried it...

myself.

It's like
the kick of a mule,

isn't it,
Mr. County?

Whoa!

I feel like
I'm 22 again.

You're a fool,
Thorogood.

You've tampered with powers
you don't even understand.

Looks like
the partnership's
been dissolved.

SOCRATES:
Quite a mystery,
this orb.

Consider--

it gave freedom
to the Chinese
laborers,

and yet it took
Thorogood's life.

Don't you find that
paradoxical?

I don't know,
Socrates,

but I'll tell you this--

the matter deserves
further study.

I agree.

Oh, by the way...

I like the new look.

What look?

No tie.

You're not wearing
any tie.

Oh. Yes. Right.

I'm adopting
your suggestion

to develop
a personality

for outside
the courtroom.

I'm also thinking
of dropping my Gs,
as in...

I'll be waitin'
for ya, Brisc.

Did you notice
I called you Brisc?

Something else
I'm thinking
of doing--

giving people
affectionate
nicknames.

So,
what do you think?

Well...

it's a step
in the right direction.

Uh-huh.

Where are you going?

You've still got
a job to do.

There's somebody
I need to talk to.

Don't worry.
I'll be back.

[CLICKS TONGUE]

Be waitin'
for ya, Brisc!

Hello, Dad.

This is tough work
you used to do.

I don't know
how you did it.

This first one
almost killed me,

and I got 12 more to go.

Maybe it gets easier
as you go along, huh?

I guess not.

Well, you had one hell
of a funeral, Dad.

Governors
from three states

and two territories
showed up.

I'm sorry I missed it.

I'm, uh...

I'm sorry I missed
a lot of things.

But I am going to
finish the job you started.

You can count on that.

John Bly has to be caught,

so I hope you're
looking out for me up there.

I can use all the help
I can get.

[WHINNIES]

OK. Take it easy.

I'm done.

Come on, Comet.

We got a long ride
ahead of us.

Hyah!