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1
00:01:20,113 --> 00:01:22,581
Hello, everybody.
2
00:01:22,649 --> 00:01:23,682
Hi, sim. Ooh.
3
00:01:23,750 --> 00:01:25,884
Hello. Simka!
4
00:01:25,953 --> 00:01:27,819
You changed your makeup, huh?
5
00:01:27,888 --> 00:01:30,688
Oh, thanks for noticing, Elaine.
6
00:01:30,757 --> 00:01:32,891
I got a new career.
7
00:01:32,959 --> 00:01:34,493
As a mime?
8
00:01:34,561 --> 00:01:38,864
No, Louie,
I'm selling door-to-door cosmetics.
9
00:01:38,932 --> 00:01:42,233
And your sample case
blew up in your face?
10
00:01:42,302 --> 00:01:44,335
Please, Louie!
11
00:01:44,404 --> 00:01:45,937
This is girl talk.
12
00:01:46,006 --> 00:01:47,839
Elaine... oh...
13
00:01:47,908 --> 00:01:50,943
I'm now selling shishka
flook cosmetics.
14
00:01:51,011 --> 00:01:53,845
They're made in my homeland,
and I bought the franchise
15
00:01:53,914 --> 00:01:58,416
to 18 states including the
entire eastern seaboard.
16
00:01:58,485 --> 00:01:59,885
How could you afford that?
17
00:01:59,953 --> 00:02:02,487
It cost six dollars.
18
00:02:02,555 --> 00:02:05,923
You want to see the
catalog, Elaine?
19
00:02:05,992 --> 00:02:07,593
Okay, sure.
20
00:02:07,661 --> 00:02:09,861
Okay, good, now come on and
hurry up and buy something,
21
00:02:09,929 --> 00:02:12,497
because I got a lot
of territory to cover.
22
00:02:12,566 --> 00:02:14,232
Okay.
23
00:02:14,301 --> 00:02:15,433
Um...
24
00:02:15,502 --> 00:02:17,769
Okay, yeah,
let me have some of this perfume.
25
00:02:17,838 --> 00:02:19,137
Oh, all right.
26
00:02:19,206 --> 00:02:22,107
Now, would you like a
whole jar or a half a jar?
27
00:02:22,176 --> 00:02:23,542
Half a jar.
28
00:02:23,610 --> 00:02:25,109
Oh, that's a shame.
29
00:02:25,178 --> 00:02:27,779
With the whole jar,
we throw in a free gift.
30
00:02:27,848 --> 00:02:29,214
Oh, what's that?
31
00:02:29,283 --> 00:02:31,082
The lid.
32
00:02:31,151 --> 00:02:33,318
A whole jar.
33
00:02:33,387 --> 00:02:34,486
All right. Good girl.
34
00:02:34,554 --> 00:02:35,853
Here.
35
00:02:35,922 --> 00:02:37,189
How would you like to be paid?
36
00:02:37,257 --> 00:02:40,492
Oh, very much.
37
00:02:40,561 --> 00:02:41,659
Okay.
38
00:02:41,728 --> 00:02:44,796
Simka, uh,
when can I expect my delivery?
39
00:02:44,864 --> 00:02:46,298
Uh, eventually.
40
00:02:46,366 --> 00:02:47,699
Bye, all.
41
00:02:47,768 --> 00:02:49,367
Bye. Good-bye. Bye.
42
00:02:57,144 --> 00:03:00,044
Congratulate me, folks.
43
00:03:01,215 --> 00:03:06,117
I bought something
my brother says
44
00:03:06,186 --> 00:03:10,121
I've been needing
for a long time.
45
00:03:10,190 --> 00:03:12,157
A brain?
46
00:03:12,226 --> 00:03:14,326
No, boss.
47
00:03:14,395 --> 00:03:15,727
I don't need a brain.
48
00:03:18,999 --> 00:03:24,269
I bought something my
brother, Tom,
49
00:03:24,337 --> 00:03:27,472
says is a good investment
50
00:03:27,541 --> 00:03:29,640
for my inheritance money.
51
00:03:29,709 --> 00:03:32,377
All right, Jim, what is it?
52
00:03:32,446 --> 00:03:34,012
A rare coin.
53
00:03:34,080 --> 00:03:35,213
Oh.
54
00:03:35,281 --> 00:03:41,853
A 1916 standing Liberty quarter
55
00:03:41,922 --> 00:03:44,189
worth $5,000.
56
00:03:44,258 --> 00:03:45,590
Ooh, nice, nice.
57
00:03:45,659 --> 00:03:47,192
Man. Want to see it?
58
00:03:47,261 --> 00:03:48,359
Yeah. Yes.
59
00:04:08,282 --> 00:04:10,616
Well,
I guess i'd better savor this.
60
00:04:14,121 --> 00:04:16,721
Oh, no, Jim,
you bought a cup of coffee
61
00:04:16,790 --> 00:04:18,656
with a $5,000 coin?
62
00:04:18,725 --> 00:04:22,260
Yeah. No cream, no sugar.
63
00:04:22,329 --> 00:04:23,528
Hey, listen.
64
00:04:23,597 --> 00:04:24,997
We got to get your quarter back.
65
00:04:25,065 --> 00:04:26,631
Yeah, uh...
66
00:04:26,700 --> 00:04:27,999
Yeah,
if only that were possible.
67
00:04:28,068 --> 00:04:29,934
Yeah, well, Louie has the key.
68
00:04:30,003 --> 00:04:31,769
But I already had half the cup.
69
00:04:31,838 --> 00:04:33,538
Oh, Jim!
70
00:04:37,778 --> 00:04:39,845
I did it.
71
00:04:39,913 --> 00:04:41,913
I made a great investment.
72
00:04:41,981 --> 00:04:44,549
No kidding, Jim?
Hey, come here, sit down.
73
00:04:44,618 --> 00:04:47,452
Something I can enjoy
74
00:04:47,521 --> 00:04:49,187
while it goes up in value...
75
00:04:49,256 --> 00:04:51,189
According to my brother.
76
00:04:51,258 --> 00:04:52,424
Art?
77
00:04:52,492 --> 00:04:54,526
No. Tom.
78
00:04:56,697 --> 00:04:59,964
Hold on to your seats.
79
00:05:00,033 --> 00:05:03,067
I bought Mario's.
80
00:05:03,136 --> 00:05:04,802
Signed the papers this morning,
81
00:05:04,871 --> 00:05:07,038
and I've been running
the place ever since.
82
00:05:07,107 --> 00:05:09,040
There you go, boss.
83
00:05:11,044 --> 00:05:13,978
Hey, Jim, uh, why Mario's?
84
00:05:14,047 --> 00:05:17,215
You wouldn't believe what they
were asking for Disney world.
85
00:05:19,352 --> 00:05:21,853
Jim, Mario's has been
on the skids for years.
86
00:05:21,922 --> 00:05:24,656
I mean, mortuaries do
better return business.
87
00:05:24,725 --> 00:05:27,959
Well, we have breakfast
here every morning.
88
00:05:28,028 --> 00:05:30,028
We come here every night.
89
00:05:30,097 --> 00:05:33,131
Why do we come here if
it's not a great place?
90
00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:34,766
It's next door to the garage.
91
00:05:34,835 --> 00:05:39,104
So is the dry cleaners
and we never eat there.
92
00:05:39,173 --> 00:05:40,505
Hey, boss, I forgot to tell you,
93
00:05:40,574 --> 00:05:42,218
the guy dropped off the
plans that you asked for.
94
00:05:42,242 --> 00:05:44,075
Oh, great.
95
00:05:44,144 --> 00:05:48,513
Wait till you guys see this.
96
00:05:48,582 --> 00:05:53,084
It's my vision of
the new Mario's.
97
00:05:53,153 --> 00:05:58,156
There's gonna be lots
of volcanic rock.
98
00:05:58,225 --> 00:06:02,460
Red lights and waterfalls
all over the place.
99
00:06:02,529 --> 00:06:04,228
Right in the middle here,
100
00:06:04,297 --> 00:06:07,032
there's gonna be a little pond
101
00:06:07,100 --> 00:06:10,435
where a woman will play the harp
102
00:06:10,504 --> 00:06:13,237
on a swan shaped boat.
103
00:06:19,479 --> 00:06:22,613
Let's see that.
104
00:06:25,285 --> 00:06:28,953
Yeah, it is a little busy.
105
00:06:29,022 --> 00:06:31,523
Okay, so I made a false start.
106
00:06:31,592 --> 00:06:35,026
I'm still going to
make Mario's great.
107
00:06:35,095 --> 00:06:37,795
Let's have a brainstorm.
108
00:06:37,864 --> 00:06:38,997
Tony?
109
00:06:39,065 --> 00:06:40,432
Um, I don't know.
110
00:06:40,500 --> 00:06:42,634
The best bars I've ever
been in had free peanuts.
111
00:06:42,703 --> 00:06:45,837
Oh, you should have a
really good house wine.
112
00:06:45,906 --> 00:06:48,906
Good wine and free peanuts.
113
00:06:48,975 --> 00:06:51,209
Takes me back to
the good ol' days
114
00:06:51,278 --> 00:06:54,545
when I used to sleep at the zoo.
115
00:06:57,717 --> 00:07:00,017
Do you have any
suggestions, Alex?
116
00:07:00,086 --> 00:07:01,986
Yeah, I think you should
have, um,
117
00:07:02,055 --> 00:07:05,122
a lady playing the harp on a
swan-shaped boat, you know?
118
00:07:05,191 --> 00:07:06,892
Oh, yeah? No, no, no, no.
119
00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:10,428
I... I think instead
you should have a piano.
120
00:07:10,497 --> 00:07:12,997
Wouldn't the boat sink?
121
00:07:13,066 --> 00:07:14,266
No, no, Jim, I mean...
122
00:07:14,334 --> 00:07:16,367
I mean, in a corner some place.
123
00:07:16,436 --> 00:07:18,569
Well, maybe we could
put it over there
124
00:07:18,638 --> 00:07:20,538
by my brother, Tom.
125
00:07:23,277 --> 00:07:25,844
Tom!
126
00:07:25,912 --> 00:07:28,046
What are you doing here?
127
00:07:28,114 --> 00:07:31,516
I came to have a look at
your so-called investment.
128
00:07:31,584 --> 00:07:32,918
Oh, that's great.
129
00:07:32,986 --> 00:07:36,354
I was just talking about what
I should do to the place.
130
00:07:36,423 --> 00:07:38,757
I think it should be
burned to the ground,
131
00:07:38,826 --> 00:07:40,858
the wreckage bulldozed,
132
00:07:40,927 --> 00:07:43,161
the ashes scattered
and the earth salted
133
00:07:43,230 --> 00:07:46,264
so that nothing will ever
grow on this spot again.
134
00:07:49,436 --> 00:07:52,036
Well, I think I'd like to
try free peanuts first.
135
00:07:54,975 --> 00:07:57,942
Come on, I'd like to
introduce you to my friends.
136
00:07:58,011 --> 00:07:59,155
Here, straighten your tie, huh?
137
00:07:59,179 --> 00:08:00,245
Get your hands off.
138
00:08:03,583 --> 00:08:05,750
Tom, this is Tony.
139
00:08:05,819 --> 00:08:06,819
Hey, Tom. How are you?
140
00:08:06,853 --> 00:08:07,953
How you doing?
141
00:08:08,021 --> 00:08:09,053
And Elaine.
142
00:08:09,122 --> 00:08:10,321
Hello. Hi.
143
00:08:10,389 --> 00:08:11,489
And Alex.
144
00:08:11,558 --> 00:08:12,924
Yeah, I think we've met.
145
00:08:12,992 --> 00:08:14,258
Yes.
146
00:08:14,327 --> 00:08:17,328
I take it you think Jim
made a mistake, huh?
147
00:08:17,397 --> 00:08:19,364
No, I think I made a mistake.
148
00:08:19,433 --> 00:08:22,300
Well, you said you
wanted responsibility.
149
00:08:22,369 --> 00:08:24,936
I said, "if you'd like to
make an investment, go ahead."
150
00:08:25,005 --> 00:08:26,805
I'll let you make
an investment."
151
00:08:26,873 --> 00:08:29,240
And look at what you bought.
152
00:08:29,309 --> 00:08:33,778
No, no, Tom.
Don't rain on my parade.
153
00:08:33,847 --> 00:08:35,814
Let's have a toast.
154
00:08:35,882 --> 00:08:38,316
Yeah. Yeah, let's have one.
155
00:08:38,384 --> 00:08:39,851
Jim,
you've squandered your money
156
00:08:39,920 --> 00:08:42,119
on the sleaziest
dive I've ever seen.
157
00:08:42,188 --> 00:08:43,588
You're an immature,
irresponsible,
158
00:08:43,657 --> 00:08:45,323
childlike simpleton.
159
00:08:45,392 --> 00:08:47,158
Hear, hear!
160
00:08:51,497 --> 00:08:53,330
I don't think you
want to drink to that.
161
00:08:53,399 --> 00:08:56,034
Oh, no, it's okay.
162
00:08:56,103 --> 00:08:58,403
You don't know my brother, Tom.
163
00:08:58,472 --> 00:09:00,771
He's a pompous ass.
164
00:09:04,177 --> 00:09:05,744
Hey, Tom, I'm telling you.
165
00:09:05,812 --> 00:09:07,189
This place might have
seen better days,
166
00:09:07,213 --> 00:09:08,691
but I think Jim could
make a go of it here.
167
00:09:08,715 --> 00:09:10,155
Yeah,
why don't you give him a chance
168
00:09:10,183 --> 00:09:11,449
before you say he's a failure?
169
00:09:11,518 --> 00:09:12,617
Yeah.
170
00:09:12,686 --> 00:09:14,151
Yeah,
why don't you give me a chance?
171
00:09:14,220 --> 00:09:15,686
I've only had it one day.
172
00:09:15,755 --> 00:09:17,421
What could I have
done in one day?
173
00:09:17,490 --> 00:09:19,891
Hello, Mr. Ignatowski.
174
00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:22,661
I'm Tracy Donovan with the New
York state liquor authority.
175
00:09:22,729 --> 00:09:25,530
I've been observing here
for a couple of hours,
176
00:09:25,599 --> 00:09:29,901
and, in that time,
I've seen three violations.
177
00:09:29,970 --> 00:09:31,569
Now I'm gonna file a report,
178
00:09:31,638 --> 00:09:33,505
and I have to warn you
179
00:09:33,573 --> 00:09:35,173
that if you have
one more violation,
180
00:09:35,242 --> 00:09:37,542
we'll close this place down.
181
00:09:46,086 --> 00:09:49,153
Big shot.
182
00:09:49,222 --> 00:09:52,390
Well, Jim, I guess there's
a lot you can do in one day.
183
00:09:52,459 --> 00:09:54,058
I've got to be more careful.
184
00:09:54,127 --> 00:09:56,427
I'm more responsible
than you think.
185
00:09:56,496 --> 00:09:57,907
Come on, Jim,
you wouldn't last a week.
186
00:09:57,931 --> 00:09:59,030
Oh, yeah?
187
00:09:59,099 --> 00:10:02,266
You come back here
one week from today
188
00:10:02,335 --> 00:10:05,236
and you'll see this place
crowded and successful
189
00:10:05,305 --> 00:10:08,072
and I'm gonna be the one
who's responsible for it.
190
00:10:08,141 --> 00:10:09,174
All right.
191
00:10:09,242 --> 00:10:11,943
All right,
I'll give you one week.
192
00:10:13,446 --> 00:10:15,379
Bye, Tom.
193
00:10:20,319 --> 00:10:24,321
He's been doing this to me
ever since we were kids.
194
00:10:25,425 --> 00:10:26,791
I sent away for a book
195
00:10:26,860 --> 00:10:29,193
on ventriloquism and he says,
196
00:10:29,262 --> 00:10:32,697
"you'll never learn
how to do that."
197
00:10:32,766 --> 00:10:35,100
I said I was going out
for the little league,
198
00:10:35,168 --> 00:10:39,136
and he said,
"you're wasting your time."
199
00:10:39,205 --> 00:10:43,574
I said I wanted to drive
my bicycle off the roof.
200
00:10:43,643 --> 00:10:45,643
No.
201
00:10:45,712 --> 00:10:48,246
That time, he encouraged me.
202
00:10:50,016 --> 00:10:51,282
We're here to help you out.
203
00:10:51,351 --> 00:10:53,718
Come here. Come on,
we got things to talk about.
204
00:11:00,660 --> 00:11:02,093
Hey, Jim.
What are you doing here?
205
00:11:02,162 --> 00:11:03,962
Just taking my dinner break.
206
00:11:04,030 --> 00:11:05,563
Why don't you eat
in your restaurant?
207
00:11:05,632 --> 00:11:07,165
I hate to eat alone.
208
00:11:07,234 --> 00:11:09,467
Aw. Is business still bad?
209
00:11:09,536 --> 00:11:11,969
Ah, it's picking up a little.
210
00:11:12,038 --> 00:11:15,073
Today, some guy came in
to use the telephone.
211
00:11:15,142 --> 00:11:19,343
He didn't have any ID,
so I kicked him out.
212
00:11:19,412 --> 00:11:21,145
Well, better safe than sorry.
213
00:11:21,214 --> 00:11:24,015
Here,
why don't you guys join me?
214
00:11:24,084 --> 00:11:27,485
I can't eat this
whole thing myself.
215
00:11:27,554 --> 00:11:30,788
Jim, how come you can't eat
that one piece by yourself?
216
00:11:30,857 --> 00:11:32,122
Because it's awful.
217
00:11:32,191 --> 00:11:34,425
I'm doing all the cooking now.
218
00:11:34,494 --> 00:11:35,904
- What happened to the chef?
- Yeah?
219
00:11:35,928 --> 00:11:38,763
I had to let him go...
he took drugs.
220
00:11:38,832 --> 00:11:40,464
Drugs? Are you sure?
221
00:11:40,533 --> 00:11:43,534
You know how when a man makes a
pizza, he does this?
222
00:11:43,603 --> 00:11:44,702
Yeah.
223
00:11:44,771 --> 00:11:46,971
And he does this? Yeah. Yeah.
224
00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:49,240
And then he does this?
Yeah, so? Yeah.
225
00:11:49,309 --> 00:11:52,243
Well, I caught him doing
that with the soup.
226
00:11:54,547 --> 00:11:57,448
My brother's right...
I'm a flop,
227
00:11:57,517 --> 00:12:01,352
a failure, a zero.
228
00:12:01,421 --> 00:12:03,521
Jim,
there are worms on that pizza.
229
00:12:03,590 --> 00:12:04,789
Oh, it's all right.
230
00:12:04,858 --> 00:12:06,891
It's our fisherman's special.
231
00:12:10,730 --> 00:12:13,965
That's really Chinese noodles.
232
00:12:14,034 --> 00:12:17,034
I painted the little eyes on.
233
00:12:17,103 --> 00:12:19,237
It was either that or go crazy.
234
00:12:19,305 --> 00:12:22,140
Hey, Jim, Jim,
I think we can help you out.
235
00:12:22,209 --> 00:12:25,009
Great, 'cause I got
another big can of noodles
236
00:12:25,078 --> 00:12:26,911
and a couple extra brushes.
No, no, no, no.
237
00:12:26,980 --> 00:12:29,414
I think between the three of us
238
00:12:29,482 --> 00:12:31,049
we can suggest, uh, things
239
00:12:31,117 --> 00:12:32,684
to help you improve your business.
Yeah.
240
00:12:32,752 --> 00:12:34,285
Alex, I've tried everything:
241
00:12:34,354 --> 00:12:38,289
Ads, drinks at half price.
242
00:12:38,358 --> 00:12:43,094
Well, why don't you try
a wet t-shirt contest?
243
00:12:43,162 --> 00:12:44,595
I had one.
244
00:12:44,663 --> 00:12:48,066
The only contestant was
a 400-pound ex-marine
245
00:12:48,134 --> 00:12:49,901
with a hairy chest.
246
00:12:49,970 --> 00:12:51,703
Interesting effect,
247
00:12:51,772 --> 00:12:53,971
but not enough to
hold a supper crowd.
248
00:12:55,675 --> 00:12:59,377
I'm lucky my brother
wasn't there that night.
249
00:12:59,446 --> 00:13:03,614
I'd rather he see an empty bar
250
00:13:03,683 --> 00:13:07,051
than people pelting
me with dinner rolls.
251
00:13:07,119 --> 00:13:08,519
When's your brother coming?
252
00:13:08,588 --> 00:13:10,221
Tonight.
253
00:13:10,290 --> 00:13:13,591
And when he does, he's gonna see
254
00:13:13,660 --> 00:13:15,760
one person in the bar:
255
00:13:15,829 --> 00:13:18,596
His dumb failure of a brother.
256
00:13:18,665 --> 00:13:19,931
Oh, no.
257
00:13:19,999 --> 00:13:21,410
Man, there's got to be
something we can do to help Jim.
258
00:13:21,434 --> 00:13:22,567
Come on. Yeah.
259
00:13:22,635 --> 00:13:23,875
Well, what's the big fuss here?
260
00:13:23,936 --> 00:13:25,081
Oh, Jim's gonna be humiliated
261
00:13:25,105 --> 00:13:26,471
in front of his brother.
262
00:13:26,539 --> 00:13:28,439
So what? His brother's never
263
00:13:28,508 --> 00:13:30,353
gonna trust him with large
amounts of money anymore.
264
00:13:30,377 --> 00:13:32,110
And rightly so.
265
00:13:32,178 --> 00:13:34,078
I mean, he's a goofball.
266
00:13:35,481 --> 00:13:37,882
Well, every cloud
has a silver lining.
267
00:13:37,951 --> 00:13:39,450
At least you won't be able
268
00:13:39,519 --> 00:13:41,452
to sponge off him
anymore, Louie.
269
00:13:44,157 --> 00:13:46,090
Mm.
270
00:13:47,927 --> 00:13:49,193
Hey, all right.
271
00:13:49,262 --> 00:13:50,928
All right, listen up, everybody.
272
00:13:50,997 --> 00:13:52,530
Listen up, all you cabbies.
273
00:13:52,599 --> 00:13:57,168
Your mission tonight
is to pack Mario's.
274
00:13:57,237 --> 00:14:00,971
Now,
I want everybody to radio me
275
00:14:01,040 --> 00:14:02,407
as soon as you get a fare.
276
00:14:02,475 --> 00:14:03,607
I don't care who it is.
277
00:14:03,676 --> 00:14:05,176
I don't care where
they want to go.
278
00:14:05,244 --> 00:14:07,345
They're gonna end up in Mario's.
279
00:14:07,413 --> 00:14:08,946
You leave it to me.
280
00:14:10,383 --> 00:14:11,516
All right, come on. Nardo.
281
00:14:11,585 --> 00:14:13,117
Come on, 218...
282
00:14:13,186 --> 00:14:16,153
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
283
00:14:16,222 --> 00:14:21,425
Boy, I sure wish my
brother would show up
284
00:14:21,494 --> 00:14:25,863
and ridicule me
so I can go home.
285
00:14:29,369 --> 00:14:32,170
Louie, I've got some
out-of-towners here
286
00:14:32,238 --> 00:14:34,271
who are interested in
seeing some celebrities,
287
00:14:34,340 --> 00:14:35,874
and they want to go to sardi's.
288
00:14:35,942 --> 00:14:38,108
Well, drop 'em off quick, nardo,
289
00:14:38,177 --> 00:14:39,843
because I need two cabs
290
00:14:39,912 --> 00:14:42,079
to pick up Brando and
Olivier at Mario's.
291
00:14:42,148 --> 00:14:44,315
I can't put 'em in the same cab.
292
00:14:44,383 --> 00:14:45,582
You know how those guys are.
293
00:14:45,651 --> 00:14:47,585
Hey, Mario's.
294
00:14:47,653 --> 00:14:48,820
Mario's? Mario's.
295
00:14:50,957 --> 00:14:52,890
Louie, this is Alex.
296
00:14:52,958 --> 00:14:54,858
I'm at Saint
Patrick's cathedral,
297
00:14:54,927 --> 00:14:57,027
and I've got a couple
of, uh, nuns
298
00:14:57,096 --> 00:14:58,963
who want to go to the movies.
299
00:14:59,031 --> 00:15:03,367
Ah, everything on the
screen these days is filth.
300
00:15:03,436 --> 00:15:05,869
Might I suggest a
pleasant evening
301
00:15:05,938 --> 00:15:08,339
of wholesome food at Mario's?
302
00:15:08,408 --> 00:15:12,944
If you like, I'll call ahead and
reserve the monsignor's table.
303
00:15:13,012 --> 00:15:16,814
Oh, what a nice man.
304
00:15:16,883 --> 00:15:19,082
Pray for him.
305
00:15:29,562 --> 00:15:33,197
Well, Jim, you had your week.
306
00:15:33,266 --> 00:15:34,832
Looks like you failed.
307
00:15:34,901 --> 00:15:36,433
Do you have any excuses?
308
00:15:36,502 --> 00:15:38,469
Nope.
309
00:15:38,538 --> 00:15:41,339
Why don't you sit over
there and have a beer
310
00:15:41,407 --> 00:15:43,507
while you gloat?
311
00:15:43,576 --> 00:15:45,609
Sure.
312
00:15:45,678 --> 00:15:47,578
Tommy, a beer for my brother.
313
00:15:47,647 --> 00:15:49,847
Right away, boss.
314
00:15:49,916 --> 00:15:51,916
Ah.
315
00:15:51,985 --> 00:15:54,352
Here you go, Jim,
some customers.
316
00:15:55,455 --> 00:15:58,188
Ah, welcome to Mario's.
317
00:15:58,257 --> 00:16:00,057
Do you have a reservation?
318
00:16:00,126 --> 00:16:01,426
Uh, no, Jim.
319
00:16:01,494 --> 00:16:02,593
They're friends of mine.
320
00:16:02,662 --> 00:16:05,362
Listen, uh...
321
00:16:05,431 --> 00:16:07,276
All of the cabbies are
bringing people here tonight,
322
00:16:07,300 --> 00:16:08,866
and, uh, some of them are coming
323
00:16:08,935 --> 00:16:10,501
under sort of false pretenses,
324
00:16:10,570 --> 00:16:12,537
so, uh, play along with
them, okay?
325
00:16:12,605 --> 00:16:14,539
Okeydoke.
326
00:16:19,145 --> 00:16:21,045
Here you go,
sit right over here.
327
00:16:21,113 --> 00:16:23,914
Got a table all ready for you.
328
00:16:27,487 --> 00:16:30,321
We're here to see
some celebrities.
329
00:16:30,390 --> 00:16:32,723
Oh, say, look here.
330
00:16:32,792 --> 00:16:35,026
Sally field and Mary Martin.
331
00:16:37,897 --> 00:16:40,398
Hey, Jim!
332
00:16:40,467 --> 00:16:41,699
Hey, come on in, guys.
333
00:16:41,768 --> 00:16:43,813
Hey, Jim, these guys came all
the way from dubuque, Iowa,
334
00:16:43,837 --> 00:16:44,935
to see some belly dancing.
335
00:16:45,004 --> 00:16:46,570
Have a good time, gents.
See you, Jimmy.
336
00:16:46,639 --> 00:16:49,140
Well, happy customers are
the best advertisement.
337
00:16:49,208 --> 00:16:50,607
No, no, no, no...
338
00:16:53,146 --> 00:16:54,645
All right.
339
00:16:54,714 --> 00:16:56,480
Hey, uh, we were told
340
00:16:56,549 --> 00:16:58,249
this place had a piano bar.
341
00:16:58,317 --> 00:16:59,837
Oh, it certainly
does, and there it is.
342
00:16:59,886 --> 00:17:01,819
All right! Have a seat.
343
00:17:01,887 --> 00:17:03,821
Thank you.
344
00:17:05,959 --> 00:17:07,291
Huh, well,
345
00:17:07,360 --> 00:17:09,393
those two were easy
to take care of.
346
00:17:09,462 --> 00:17:10,672
Uh, Jim,
I think they're expecting
347
00:17:10,696 --> 00:17:13,063
to see somebody play that piano.
348
00:17:13,132 --> 00:17:14,598
You think so?
349
00:17:14,667 --> 00:17:16,333
I'm almost sure of it.
350
00:17:16,402 --> 00:17:18,068
Well, you play piano, don't you?
351
00:17:18,137 --> 00:17:20,037
Yeah, I do, but I'm not...
352
00:17:20,105 --> 00:17:21,605
Well, help me out, Alex, please.
353
00:17:21,674 --> 00:17:24,108
No, I can't play in front of people.
I can't.
354
00:17:24,177 --> 00:17:25,343
Just-just tonight. All right.
355
00:17:25,412 --> 00:17:26,622
All right, all right, all right.
356
00:17:26,646 --> 00:17:28,524
I'll just play quietly,
a little background music,
357
00:17:28,548 --> 00:17:31,148
but, uh, I mean, I don't want
to draw any attention to myself.
358
00:17:31,217 --> 00:17:33,016
I'm very shy in front of
people, all right?
359
00:17:33,085 --> 00:17:34,318
Okeydoke.
360
00:17:41,194 --> 00:17:44,394
Ladies and gentlemen... Jim!
361
00:17:44,463 --> 00:17:46,196
No, no. Jim, no, no.
362
00:17:46,265 --> 00:17:49,200
Jim's Mario's is
proud to present
363
00:17:49,269 --> 00:17:53,171
for your musical entertainment,
364
00:17:53,239 --> 00:17:55,940
America's premier balladeer...
Jim, please.
365
00:17:56,008 --> 00:17:57,374
The one and only Alex reiger.
366
00:17:57,443 --> 00:17:58,976
Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim! All right!
367
00:17:59,044 --> 00:18:00,178
Yay!
368
00:18:00,246 --> 00:18:02,046
I told you, I'm not...
369
00:18:02,115 --> 00:18:03,458
Jim, there is no way
you're gonna get me to sing
370
00:18:03,482 --> 00:18:05,082
in front of these people.
371
00:18:06,318 --> 00:18:07,418
Closing time, folks!
372
00:18:07,487 --> 00:18:08,853
No!
373
00:18:08,921 --> 00:18:10,688
Okay, that's all for
tonight, folks.
374
00:18:10,756 --> 00:18:12,022
Good night.
375
00:18:13,459 --> 00:18:14,658
That's right.
376
00:18:14,727 --> 00:18:15,826
Time to go home.
377
00:18:17,063 --> 00:18:18,162
No, no, no, no.
378
00:18:18,230 --> 00:18:19,429
We do have laws.
379
00:18:19,498 --> 00:18:22,066
You can stay,
and I can serve you another drink,
380
00:18:22,134 --> 00:18:24,001
and they'll close me down.
381
00:18:24,070 --> 00:18:26,204
Sorry.
382
00:18:26,272 --> 00:18:28,205
Bye.
383
00:18:30,009 --> 00:18:32,109
I'm gonna tell all of my
friends about this place.
384
00:18:32,178 --> 00:18:34,111
You really know how to
make people feel welcome.
385
00:18:34,179 --> 00:18:35,279
Okay.
386
00:18:35,348 --> 00:18:37,415
Should be open
seven nights a week.
387
00:18:37,484 --> 00:18:38,716
I'm working on it.
388
00:18:38,785 --> 00:18:40,718
Ah, boy.
389
00:18:40,786 --> 00:18:43,221
Thanks, you guys.
390
00:18:43,289 --> 00:18:45,989
Tonight was a dream come true.
391
00:18:46,058 --> 00:18:47,892
And I owe it all to you.
392
00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:49,193
Oh, it was our pleasure.
393
00:18:49,261 --> 00:18:50,428
You ain't kidding.
394
00:18:50,497 --> 00:18:51,662
Good night, Jim.
395
00:18:51,731 --> 00:18:53,063
Good night. Oh, thanks, Tony.
396
00:18:53,132 --> 00:18:54,231
All right. Come on.
397
00:18:54,300 --> 00:18:55,666
Oh, Jim, Jim.
398
00:18:55,735 --> 00:18:56,900
What a night.
399
00:18:56,969 --> 00:18:58,836
What a night! Ah!
400
00:19:00,506 --> 00:19:01,938
Hey, Jim, did you ever think
401
00:19:02,007 --> 00:19:04,441
of adding a couple of
drums and a bass player?
402
00:19:04,510 --> 00:19:05,876
I love it. I love it.
403
00:19:05,944 --> 00:19:07,544
I knew you would. I'm so glad.
404
00:19:07,613 --> 00:19:09,514
Good night. Good night, Alex.
405
00:19:15,221 --> 00:19:16,721
Jim?
406
00:19:16,789 --> 00:19:18,155
Huh?
407
00:19:19,725 --> 00:19:22,260
I'm glad you proved me wrong.
408
00:19:22,328 --> 00:19:24,895
I'd like to shake your hand.
409
00:19:24,964 --> 00:19:30,701
Tom, I'm glad I proved you
wrong, too.
410
00:19:30,770 --> 00:19:33,237
I want to give you a big hug.
411
00:19:33,306 --> 00:19:34,605
All right.
412
00:19:34,674 --> 00:19:36,740
All right, brother.
413
00:19:38,377 --> 00:19:40,110
Listen, I'm gonna...
I'm gonna get my coat,
414
00:19:40,179 --> 00:19:42,547
and then I'll-I'll drive you
home, okay?
415
00:19:42,615 --> 00:19:43,781
Okay.
416
00:19:54,460 --> 00:19:58,963
Hey, you...
you're the owner here, aren't you?
417
00:19:59,032 --> 00:20:01,898
That's right.
418
00:20:01,967 --> 00:20:04,935
I want you to know that I had
419
00:20:05,004 --> 00:20:08,539
a very, very good time tonight.
420
00:20:08,608 --> 00:20:10,140
Thanks. I'm glad you did.
421
00:20:10,209 --> 00:20:11,575
I'm glad you did.
422
00:20:11,644 --> 00:20:13,844
And say, I was...
I was wondering, uh,
423
00:20:13,913 --> 00:20:18,415
if you could sell me a bottle
of Brandy to take home?
424
00:20:18,484 --> 00:20:20,217
Ah, sorry.
425
00:20:20,286 --> 00:20:23,354
It's against the law.
426
00:20:23,423 --> 00:20:24,755
Well, that's true, but,
427
00:20:24,824 --> 00:20:27,391
see, I just got off the
phone with my mother,
428
00:20:27,460 --> 00:20:31,628
and she's got arthritis,
and it's really bothering her,
429
00:20:31,697 --> 00:20:35,065
and I know the
Brandy would help.
430
00:20:35,134 --> 00:20:36,667
I'm sorry.
431
00:20:36,736 --> 00:20:39,670
The liquor authority told me
432
00:20:39,739 --> 00:20:42,739
that if I had one
more violation,
433
00:20:42,808 --> 00:20:44,808
they'd close me down.
434
00:20:44,877 --> 00:20:46,510
Please?!
435
00:20:46,578 --> 00:20:49,347
Look, there's nobody
here but you and me.
436
00:20:49,415 --> 00:20:52,249
You'd only be bending the
law just a little bit,
437
00:20:52,318 --> 00:20:55,119
and you'd really be
helping my mother out.
438
00:21:02,729 --> 00:21:04,661
All right.
439
00:21:20,546 --> 00:21:22,646
Here you go.
440
00:21:22,715 --> 00:21:26,784
Mr. Ignatowski,
i'm an undercover agent
441
00:21:26,853 --> 00:21:29,519
with the New York
liquor authority.
442
00:21:29,588 --> 00:21:32,156
This is your fourth
violation in one week.
443
00:21:32,225 --> 00:21:35,158
I'm afraid we're gonna
have to close you down.
444
00:21:35,227 --> 00:21:37,461
Ah, no, Jim.
445
00:21:37,530 --> 00:21:39,730
Jim, you're hopeless.
446
00:21:39,799 --> 00:21:42,366
I thought for once in your
life you'd finally manage
447
00:21:42,434 --> 00:21:44,768
to not screw things up.
448
00:21:44,837 --> 00:21:46,170
I wanted to believe in you,
449
00:21:46,238 --> 00:21:48,272
but this just proves
that you're a failure,
450
00:21:48,341 --> 00:21:49,673
and you're gonna stay
451
00:21:49,742 --> 00:21:51,375
a failure your entire life.
452
00:21:53,479 --> 00:21:57,280
Can I say one word
in my defense?
453
00:22:03,255 --> 00:22:05,222
Seltzer.
454
00:22:12,231 --> 00:22:14,698
Now get out of here.
455
00:22:14,767 --> 00:22:18,235
And you tell the guys
456
00:22:18,304 --> 00:22:20,671
down at the liquor authority
457
00:22:20,740 --> 00:22:23,306
that I'm a man to
be reckoned with!
458
00:22:25,945 --> 00:22:28,879
Oh.
459
00:22:28,947 --> 00:22:34,084
How many times can I
apologize to you in one day?
460
00:22:34,152 --> 00:22:36,053
I never get tired of hearing it.
461
00:22:37,357 --> 00:22:39,589
Let's go home. Come on.
462
00:22:39,658 --> 00:22:41,825
All right.
463
00:22:48,100 --> 00:22:49,399
Here, uh,
464
00:22:49,468 --> 00:22:51,902
straighten your tie.
465
00:22:53,339 --> 00:22:54,437
Come on.
466
00:22:54,506 --> 00:22:56,440
Okay.
467
00:23:34,146 --> 00:23:35,612
Good night, Mr. Walters!
31725
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