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[man] Cefalù, Sicily, 1959.
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What a simpler time.
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Families, rolling hills,
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farms.
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Look at my grandfather.
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Do you know how confident
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you have to be
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to wear a short sleeve
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dress shirt
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with a tie
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to go pick tomatoes?
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My father would go on
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to be a hair stylist,
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and my uncle Luigi
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could get a deal
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on anything.
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My family
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didn't agree on much,
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but the one thing
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they would agree on,
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no one,
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and I mean no one
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would ever thought
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I would end up here.
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[electronic music playing]
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[male announcer]
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Ladies and gentlemen,
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Sebastian Maniscalco.
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[audience cheers]
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Wow. Nice.
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Well...
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Feels good.
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Saturday night, right?
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It's exciting.
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It's a big night.
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It's a big night.
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Now, before you came here,
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you had to decide
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how you're
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gonna get here.
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And you might be getting ready
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and ask your wife,
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"Babe, you want me to drive?"
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[audience laughs]
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If you're Italian,
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you probably try and get like,
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"Well, do you think we're
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gonna get, like, a stretch
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or something like that?
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Do we get a cab?
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What do we do?
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Maybe Uber?
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A lot of people like Uber."
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UberX, what is that?
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What is it?
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It's like hitchhiking
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with your phone.
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[audience laughs]
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God knows what's gonna
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pull up tonight
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to pick you up.
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Some guy
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in a Ford Festiva?
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Groceries in the back?
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Baby seat next to you?
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With a baby?
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Loose popcorn
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on the floor?
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"What's going on
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back here, guy?
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Are you on an errand?
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What is this?"
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Uber Black.
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That's another one, people.
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That's a better...
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You might get a sedan,
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an SUV.
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Do you ever get
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into that guy's car?
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He's so proud
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of his candy.
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As soon as you get in,
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"I've got candy if you want.
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I got it in the seat.
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I got gum,
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Jolly Rancher,
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I got iPhone 3, 4, 5, 6 charge.
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I got iPhone 9.
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It's not out,
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but I have
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if you need it."
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What?
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These are weird experiences.
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You get in an Uber,
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they're rating you.
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You're rating them.
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Everybody's on some weird,
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fake behavior.
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As soon as you get in,
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you have to ask,
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you feel like, okay, I gotta...
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"How long have you
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been doing Uber?"
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And they never just do Uber.
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They always got
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some side business.
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You ask them how long.
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"I know, come on, hee hee.
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I do this 12 hours a week,
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but my real business,
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I got a discotheque
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in Istanbul."
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What...
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the hell are you
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talking about?
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And Uber is expanding into
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a lot of different areas.
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You don't have this yet
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here in New York City,
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but in Los Angeles,
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they have a thing called
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Uber Kitten.
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Where they'll bring
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a cat to your house
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for one hour.
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Why would you do that?
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I've never been sitting around
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my home and asked my wife,
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"Babe, call Uber.
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Let's get a cat over here
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for one hour.
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I need to pet something."
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[laughing continues]
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It's weird.
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We trust our phones too much.
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Could you imagine
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20 years ago,
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a foreign guy pulling up
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in a sedan telling you,
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"Get in." You'd be like,
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"Get the fuck out of here."
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Not today. You're like,
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"Are you Gegak?
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The photo doesn't really
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look like you,
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but I think
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this is the vehicle."
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Strange.
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There's a lot of interesting
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websites out there.
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Airbnb. Here's another one.
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You can rent out a room
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in your house.
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Is it worth the extra $100
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to have some psychotic family
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show up with their luggage?
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[imitates British accent]
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"Hello."
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I couldn't do this.
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I couldn't rent out
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a room in my home.
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If I did, after they left,
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I'd have to burn the room
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that they were in.
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I'd torch the mattress.
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I don't know
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what's falling out
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of peoples ears
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into the Tempur-Pedic.
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Torch the...
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Torch the bed.
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I don't even stay
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with my family
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let alone strangers.
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I get it all the time.
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Every time I go to a city,
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I know people there.
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And they're like,
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"Just stay with us.
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We have plenty of room."
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I ain't staying with you.
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You ever stay with people?
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It's weird.
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They put you
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in some weird room
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nobody uses.
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Single bed,
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Star Wars sheets,
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Darth Vader, C-3PO.
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Can't even get comfortable.
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You ever get into
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somebody's bed?
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It's weird. You get in.
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You can't...
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Look to the left,
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there's a booger wall.
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Somebody started
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a booger wall?
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Try and get comfortable.
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You can't.
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The owners always come in
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and knock on the door,
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and they're gonna tell you
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what's wrong with the house.
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You always get
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that little knock.
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"Are you sleeping yet?"
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"No, I'm gonna stand, why?
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What's going on?
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You got a booger wall
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here to your left.
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You haven't-- you haven't
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seen that yet?
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Nothing?"
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They tell you just before
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you go to bed,
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just so you know,
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"The toilet in the hallway,
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do not flush that.
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If you do, we're gonna
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have to evacuate the home."
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What?
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"When you shower
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cold is hot, hot is cold.
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We've been trying
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to fix that for years.
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When you're done
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showering,
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we ask if you could
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please squeegee--"
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Squeegee?
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What? I mean wh--
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I gotta get in and clean?
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Now naked. I gotta search
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for some weird wand
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that lives in your shower
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for 23 years?
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Take the wand and start
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wiping off shower pellets
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as my balls
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touch the tile?
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[man whistling]
243
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What, do I work here?
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I'm not cleaning the shower.
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I don't know,
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I stay at a hotel.
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I don't even trust
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the hotel.
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As soon as I check in, I put
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a "do not disturb" on the hook.
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It sits there
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for the amount of time
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I'm in the room.
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00:10:01,351 --> 00:10:02,727
Yeah, you think I'm dumb?
255
00:10:02,727 --> 00:10:04,812
You think I'm dumb?
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00:10:04,812 --> 00:10:06,398
You think I'm gonna
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00:10:04,812 --> 00:10:06,398
have the maid come in
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00:10:06,398 --> 00:10:09,609
and steal everything
259
00:10:06,398 --> 00:10:09,609
that I got?
260
00:10:09,609 --> 00:10:12,695
Wash out my glasses
261
00:10:09,609 --> 00:10:12,695
with some dirty panties?
262
00:10:12,695 --> 00:10:14,614
Fuck that.
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00:10:27,877 --> 00:10:29,129
Nobody comes into my room.
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I throw everything
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in the hallway.
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00:10:31,131 --> 00:10:34,175
Take the dirty towels,
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right in the hallway.
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That coffee machine
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that's in the bathroom?
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I throw that out.
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00:10:43,226 --> 00:10:46,896
Who the hell is making coffee
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next to the toilet?
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00:10:57,907 --> 00:10:59,826
Throw it out!
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00:11:05,081 --> 00:11:07,584
And I'll rearrange
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an entire hotel room.
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00:11:07,584 --> 00:11:09,586
I don't like
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a lot of clutter.
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00:11:09,586 --> 00:11:11,505
As soon as I check in,
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I look to see
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00:11:11,505 --> 00:11:13,006
what's going on
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00:11:11,505 --> 00:11:13,006
in the room.
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00:11:13,006 --> 00:11:15,008
If it's too--
283
00:11:13,006 --> 00:11:15,008
too many things,
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I start rearranging.
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00:11:15,008 --> 00:11:16,759
I'll take a chair.
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00:11:16,759 --> 00:11:18,011
I'll throw it
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00:11:16,759 --> 00:11:18,011
in the elevator
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00:11:18,011 --> 00:11:20,347
and I'll send it
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00:11:18,011 --> 00:11:20,347
to the lobby.
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00:11:27,061 --> 00:11:29,439
People get in the elevator,
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00:11:27,061 --> 00:11:29,439
and they think it's part
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of the hotel.
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00:11:29,439 --> 00:11:32,359
They're like,
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00:11:29,439 --> 00:11:32,359
"Wow, this is fabulous!
295
00:11:34,444 --> 00:11:36,279
They have furniture
296
00:11:34,444 --> 00:11:36,279
in here?
297
00:11:36,279 --> 00:11:39,740
My feet
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00:11:36,279 --> 00:11:39,740
are just killing me."
299
00:11:41,409 --> 00:11:43,370
My wife thinks I'm nuts.
300
00:11:43,370 --> 00:11:45,746
My wife didn't grow up
301
00:11:43,370 --> 00:11:45,746
with this mentality.
302
00:11:45,746 --> 00:11:48,958
I get this all
303
00:11:45,746 --> 00:11:48,958
from my dad, all right?
304
00:11:48,958 --> 00:11:50,293
My wife didn't grow up
305
00:11:48,958 --> 00:11:50,293
like me.
306
00:11:50,293 --> 00:11:52,795
My wife's family,
307
00:11:50,293 --> 00:11:52,795
entirely different
308
00:11:52,795 --> 00:11:54,339
than my family.
309
00:11:54,339 --> 00:11:57,467
My family, we talk a lot.
310
00:11:57,467 --> 00:11:59,844
Everything's out in the open
311
00:11:59,844 --> 00:12:01,638
on my side of the family.
312
00:12:01,638 --> 00:12:04,057
In my family,
313
00:12:01,638 --> 00:12:04,057
if you got a problem,
314
00:12:04,057 --> 00:12:07,060
somebody gonna tell you
315
00:12:07,060 --> 00:12:10,063
you got a problem.
316
00:12:11,022 --> 00:12:12,315
You stink? Somebody goes,
317
00:12:12,315 --> 00:12:14,401
"What the fuck? You stink."
318
00:12:22,325 --> 00:12:24,785
Yeah, he stinks.
319
00:12:22,325 --> 00:12:24,785
I don't know.
320
00:12:31,334 --> 00:12:33,503
We are so honest.
321
00:12:33,503 --> 00:12:36,089
Nobody gets their feelings
322
00:12:33,503 --> 00:12:36,089
hurt in my family.
323
00:12:36,089 --> 00:12:38,633
Nobody's got feelings.
324
00:12:42,429 --> 00:12:44,763
We talk about each other
325
00:12:42,429 --> 00:12:44,763
in our family.
326
00:12:44,763 --> 00:12:48,643
I call my mother, and we talk
327
00:12:44,763 --> 00:12:48,643
about the entire family.
328
00:12:48,643 --> 00:12:50,811
We talk about my sister.
329
00:12:48,643 --> 00:12:50,811
"Hey, you talk to Jessica?"
330
00:12:50,811 --> 00:12:54,023
"Yeah, don't call her.
331
00:12:50,811 --> 00:12:54,023
It's all--
332
00:12:54,023 --> 00:12:56,817
They're having
333
00:12:54,023 --> 00:12:56,817
a tough go of it."
334
00:13:00,113 --> 00:13:02,616
Not my wife's family.
335
00:13:00,113 --> 00:13:02,616
They don't say nothing
336
00:13:02,616 --> 00:13:05,201
on that side. Nobody knows.
337
00:13:05,201 --> 00:13:07,786
I listen. I listen.
338
00:13:09,330 --> 00:13:11,249
My wife Skypes
339
00:13:09,330 --> 00:13:11,249
with her mother.
340
00:13:11,249 --> 00:13:12,917
And, you know,
341
00:13:11,249 --> 00:13:12,917
I can hear them talking.
342
00:13:12,917 --> 00:13:15,378
"What's going on over there?"
343
00:13:15,378 --> 00:13:19,006
"Oh, nothing.
344
00:13:15,378 --> 00:13:19,006
Everything's good here.
345
00:13:19,006 --> 00:13:20,216
What's going on over there?"
346
00:13:20,216 --> 00:13:22,343
And I pass by. [mumbles]
347
00:13:27,056 --> 00:13:28,642
After she get off,
348
00:13:27,056 --> 00:13:28,642
I tell her--
349
00:13:28,642 --> 00:13:30,727
I ask my wife,
350
00:13:28,642 --> 00:13:30,727
"What did your mom say?"
351
00:13:30,727 --> 00:13:31,810
"Oh, everything's good."
352
00:13:31,810 --> 00:13:34,230
It ain't good.
353
00:13:34,230 --> 00:13:36,899
Dig, dig for the story.
354
00:13:39,944 --> 00:13:42,656
Get down deep.
355
00:13:39,944 --> 00:13:42,656
Figure it out.
356
00:13:42,656 --> 00:13:44,699
There's shit happening.
357
00:13:48,286 --> 00:13:51,331
I talk to my mother,
358
00:13:48,286 --> 00:13:51,331
I get it all from her.
359
00:13:51,331 --> 00:13:54,167
As soon as I hang up,
360
00:13:51,331 --> 00:13:54,167
I can't wait to tell my wife
361
00:13:54,167 --> 00:13:57,253
what I found out.
362
00:13:57,253 --> 00:13:58,672
As soon as I hang up
363
00:13:57,253 --> 00:13:58,672
the phone I go,
364
00:13:58,672 --> 00:14:00,881
"Babe, pour yourself
365
00:13:58,672 --> 00:14:00,881
a glass of wine.
366
00:14:00,881 --> 00:14:02,258
Meet me outside.
367
00:14:02,258 --> 00:14:04,302
You're not gonna believe
368
00:14:02,258 --> 00:14:04,302
what's going on
369
00:14:04,302 --> 00:14:05,595
with my cousins.
370
00:14:05,595 --> 00:14:07,806
[whistles]
371
00:14:10,933 --> 00:14:13,478
I got juice. I got juice."
372
00:14:18,983 --> 00:14:21,027
My family talks
373
00:14:18,983 --> 00:14:21,027
about everything.
374
00:14:21,027 --> 00:14:23,154
Nothing is off the table.
375
00:14:23,154 --> 00:14:25,406
Talk about money constantly.
376
00:14:25,406 --> 00:14:27,116
To this day, my father and I,
377
00:14:27,116 --> 00:14:29,035
that's all we did
378
00:14:27,116 --> 00:14:29,035
was talk about money,
379
00:14:29,035 --> 00:14:30,495
when we were small,
380
00:14:30,495 --> 00:14:32,121
to this day.
381
00:14:30,495 --> 00:14:32,121
My father knows what I make.
382
00:14:32,121 --> 00:14:34,374
I know what he's got
383
00:14:32,121 --> 00:14:34,374
buried in the yard.
384
00:14:38,002 --> 00:14:40,338
Italians.
385
00:14:38,002 --> 00:14:40,338
Any Italians here tonight?
386
00:14:40,338 --> 00:14:42,340
[audience cheers]
387
00:14:43,924 --> 00:14:45,926
Of course.
388
00:14:45,926 --> 00:14:47,554
Italians, we're always
389
00:14:45,926 --> 00:14:47,554
trying to figure out
390
00:14:47,554 --> 00:14:50,682
what stuff costs.
391
00:14:50,682 --> 00:14:52,475
Some of you were probably
392
00:14:50,682 --> 00:14:52,475
looking up here tonight going,
393
00:14:52,475 --> 00:14:55,395
"What do you think
394
00:14:52,475 --> 00:14:55,395
he's making for this shit?
395
00:15:01,901 --> 00:15:04,945
How many seats you think
396
00:15:01,901 --> 00:15:04,945
is in the place?"
397
00:15:12,245 --> 00:15:14,997
Any event Italians go,
398
00:15:12,245 --> 00:15:14,997
they try and figure it out.
399
00:15:14,997 --> 00:15:17,584
They go to a wedding,
400
00:15:14,997 --> 00:15:17,584
the whole ride home,
401
00:15:17,584 --> 00:15:20,169
"How much you think
402
00:15:17,584 --> 00:15:20,169
they paid for the...?"
403
00:15:25,132 --> 00:15:27,886
We itemize everything
404
00:15:25,132 --> 00:15:27,886
we saw at the wedding.
405
00:15:27,886 --> 00:15:29,596
Well, they wrapped
406
00:15:27,886 --> 00:15:29,596
the chairs.
407
00:15:29,596 --> 00:15:32,891
That's $38 a chair.
408
00:15:32,891 --> 00:15:35,976
They had a sweet table.
409
00:15:32,891 --> 00:15:35,976
Ice sculptures.
410
00:15:40,565 --> 00:15:42,983
So honest.
411
00:15:42,983 --> 00:15:44,694
My family is so honest.
412
00:15:44,694 --> 00:15:47,238
My wife's family, again,
413
00:15:44,694 --> 00:15:47,238
they don't say nothin'.
414
00:15:47,238 --> 00:15:49,949
And I really found out
415
00:15:47,238 --> 00:15:49,949
how different
416
00:15:49,949 --> 00:15:52,493
my wife and I were
417
00:15:49,949 --> 00:15:52,493
when we went to go visit
418
00:15:52,493 --> 00:15:54,662
her father at the cemetery.
419
00:15:54,662 --> 00:15:58,792
Now, my wife's father
420
00:15:54,662 --> 00:15:58,792
passed away 15 years ago.
421
00:15:58,792 --> 00:16:01,043
I never got a chance
422
00:15:58,792 --> 00:16:01,043
to meet the man.
423
00:16:01,043 --> 00:16:03,212
So we go to the cemetery.
424
00:16:03,212 --> 00:16:05,298
Now, prior to his death,
425
00:16:05,298 --> 00:16:08,468
he bought a plot for himself,
426
00:16:08,468 --> 00:16:10,720
a plot for his wife.
427
00:16:10,720 --> 00:16:13,807
Well, the wife
428
00:16:10,720 --> 00:16:13,807
has since remarried.
429
00:16:15,892 --> 00:16:17,477
Okay.
430
00:16:29,614 --> 00:16:31,574
So we go to the cemetery,
431
00:16:31,574 --> 00:16:32,867
and I'm holding
432
00:16:31,574 --> 00:16:32,867
my wife's hand.
433
00:16:32,867 --> 00:16:35,662
It's a very emotional day
434
00:16:32,867 --> 00:16:35,662
for us.
435
00:16:35,662 --> 00:16:36,913
Well, for me.
436
00:16:36,913 --> 00:16:38,372
Listen, I gotta
437
00:16:36,913 --> 00:16:38,372
be honest with you,
438
00:16:38,372 --> 00:16:42,335
I'm the emotional one
439
00:16:38,372 --> 00:16:42,335
in the relationship.
440
00:16:42,335 --> 00:16:46,881
I cry, no problem.
441
00:16:42,335 --> 00:16:46,881
Undercover Boss, forget it.
442
00:16:46,881 --> 00:16:48,967
I'm balling at the end
443
00:16:46,881 --> 00:16:48,967
of that show.
444
00:16:48,967 --> 00:16:51,135
Oh, my God.
445
00:16:55,849 --> 00:16:58,309
So we go to the cemetery.
446
00:16:55,849 --> 00:16:58,309
I'm holding my wife's hand.
447
00:16:58,309 --> 00:17:00,937
We approach the two graves.
448
00:17:00,937 --> 00:17:03,230
Now I'm sitting there,
449
00:17:00,937 --> 00:17:03,230
my heart is bleeding
450
00:17:03,230 --> 00:17:05,191
for my wife.
451
00:17:03,230 --> 00:17:05,191
She got no father.
452
00:17:05,191 --> 00:17:08,611
But the other side
453
00:17:05,191 --> 00:17:08,611
of my brain kicks in.
454
00:17:10,446 --> 00:17:14,450
I said, "Is your mother
455
00:17:10,446 --> 00:17:14,450
still gonna get...
456
00:17:16,369 --> 00:17:19,121
buried here
457
00:17:16,369 --> 00:17:19,121
with the original or...
458
00:17:23,793 --> 00:17:26,337
Or is she gonna get buried
459
00:17:23,793 --> 00:17:26,337
with the new husband?
460
00:17:26,337 --> 00:17:29,048
What's going on?
461
00:17:26,337 --> 00:17:29,048
'Cause this is paid for.
462
00:17:29,048 --> 00:17:31,801
It's paid for and, uh,
463
00:17:31,801 --> 00:17:34,012
who's going in the hole?
464
00:17:31,801 --> 00:17:34,012
We gotta figure this out.
465
00:17:34,012 --> 00:17:35,763
I'll hop in here.
466
00:17:37,015 --> 00:17:38,391
In the meantime,
467
00:17:37,015 --> 00:17:38,391
we gotta use this,
468
00:17:38,391 --> 00:17:39,642
maybe for storage.
469
00:17:39,642 --> 00:17:41,644
We'll put
470
00:17:39,642 --> 00:17:41,644
the Christmas tree here.
471
00:17:43,021 --> 00:17:46,482
A rake, skis.
472
00:17:43,021 --> 00:17:46,482
We gotta use this."
473
00:17:51,946 --> 00:17:54,198
My wife's brain
474
00:17:51,946 --> 00:17:54,198
don't work this way.
475
00:17:55,449 --> 00:17:57,410
She said, "Why would you
476
00:17:55,449 --> 00:17:57,410
even think of that?"
477
00:17:57,410 --> 00:18:01,497
I go, "That's why you got me.
478
00:17:57,410 --> 00:18:01,497
I think of this."
479
00:18:01,497 --> 00:18:03,499
We're calling
480
00:18:01,497 --> 00:18:03,499
your mother tonight,
481
00:18:03,499 --> 00:18:07,253
and we're figuring out
482
00:18:03,499 --> 00:18:07,253
who goes where in this plot.
483
00:18:14,301 --> 00:18:17,013
But they don't share
484
00:18:14,301 --> 00:18:17,013
like my family shares.
485
00:18:17,013 --> 00:18:20,182
My family comes over,
486
00:18:17,013 --> 00:18:20,182
it's a critique of everything.
487
00:18:20,182 --> 00:18:22,977
My father comes to critique
488
00:18:20,182 --> 00:18:22,977
everything in the house.
489
00:18:24,311 --> 00:18:26,522
He asks me what I paid
490
00:18:24,311 --> 00:18:26,522
for stuff constantly.
491
00:18:26,522 --> 00:18:28,148
He'll walk around
492
00:18:26,522 --> 00:18:28,148
the house and just,
493
00:18:28,148 --> 00:18:29,943
"How much, how much
494
00:18:28,148 --> 00:18:29,943
you pay for that?"
495
00:18:31,569 --> 00:18:33,195
"What they take you for?
496
00:18:31,569 --> 00:18:33,195
Tell me."
497
00:18:35,448 --> 00:18:38,409
So now I gotta give him
498
00:18:35,448 --> 00:18:38,409
parent price.
499
00:18:44,248 --> 00:18:46,333
You can't tell your parents
500
00:18:44,248 --> 00:18:46,333
the full price.
501
00:18:46,333 --> 00:18:47,794
They'll have a heart attack.
502
00:18:49,670 --> 00:18:52,757
You gotta knock 90% off.
503
00:18:59,138 --> 00:19:02,809
But my father can't even
504
00:18:59,138 --> 00:19:02,809
take the parent price.
505
00:19:02,809 --> 00:19:04,852
I go, "I don't know, Dad.
506
00:19:02,809 --> 00:19:04,852
I think it was $400--"
507
00:19:04,852 --> 00:19:08,648
"$400?!
508
00:19:04,852 --> 00:19:08,648
I could make this."
509
00:19:10,232 --> 00:19:13,402
What you can make
510
00:19:10,232 --> 00:19:13,402
a 65" Samsung TV set?
511
00:19:14,737 --> 00:19:17,323
What the hell
512
00:19:14,737 --> 00:19:17,323
are you talking...?
513
00:19:24,538 --> 00:19:26,373
Different families.
514
00:19:26,373 --> 00:19:28,542
My wife's family, God,
515
00:19:28,542 --> 00:19:31,629
I spent six days
516
00:19:28,542 --> 00:19:31,629
with them
517
00:19:31,629 --> 00:19:33,464
a couple months ago.
518
00:19:33,464 --> 00:19:35,091
Now, when I go to her side
519
00:19:33,464 --> 00:19:35,091
of the family,
520
00:19:35,091 --> 00:19:36,634
I got no blood relation there.
521
00:19:36,634 --> 00:19:38,260
I got nobody to confide in.
522
00:19:38,260 --> 00:19:41,347
I can't tap anybody and go,
523
00:19:38,260 --> 00:19:41,347
"Did you see that?"
524
00:19:55,028 --> 00:19:58,823
Now, my wife's got a nephew
525
00:19:55,028 --> 00:19:58,823
on that side that, well,
526
00:19:58,823 --> 00:20:02,201
these types of kids,
527
00:19:58,823 --> 00:20:02,201
he's all over the restaurant.
528
00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:04,120
He'll go to a restaurant,
529
00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:04,120
he don't sit still,
530
00:20:04,120 --> 00:20:05,538
boom, he's gone.
531
00:20:05,538 --> 00:20:08,290
Now, I'm the type,
532
00:20:05,538 --> 00:20:08,290
I can handle a conversation,
533
00:20:08,290 --> 00:20:10,043
but in the back
534
00:20:08,290 --> 00:20:10,043
of my head, I'm like,
535
00:20:10,043 --> 00:20:12,378
"Is somebody
536
00:20:10,043 --> 00:20:12,378
gonna handle this?"
537
00:20:18,676 --> 00:20:20,678
So I lose him for about
538
00:20:18,676 --> 00:20:20,678
a minute and a half.
539
00:20:20,678 --> 00:20:22,513
I become concerned
540
00:20:20,678 --> 00:20:22,513
because I don't know
541
00:20:22,513 --> 00:20:23,890
where the hell he's at.
542
00:20:23,890 --> 00:20:26,100
He comes from behind me,
543
00:20:23,890 --> 00:20:26,100
and he chops me
544
00:20:26,100 --> 00:20:27,894
right in the neck.
545
00:20:32,565 --> 00:20:33,816
I look right at the parents.
546
00:20:33,816 --> 00:20:35,109
Nothing. They're just,
547
00:20:35,109 --> 00:20:37,486
"Oh, well, he's just
548
00:20:35,109 --> 00:20:37,486
a kid, you know?"
549
00:20:39,864 --> 00:20:41,657
Do you know what
550
00:20:39,864 --> 00:20:41,657
would happen to me
551
00:20:41,657 --> 00:20:46,079
if I ever slapped an adult
552
00:20:41,657 --> 00:20:46,079
at a restaurant?
553
00:20:48,122 --> 00:20:49,456
Right?
554
00:20:49,456 --> 00:20:51,834
[audience cheers]
555
00:20:54,503 --> 00:20:57,131
My father would come
556
00:20:54,503 --> 00:20:57,131
from behind me,
557
00:20:57,131 --> 00:21:01,385
put a black bag over my head...
558
00:21:01,385 --> 00:21:03,846
and take me to
559
00:21:01,385 --> 00:21:03,846
an undisclosed location.
560
00:21:03,846 --> 00:21:05,223
Gone.
561
00:21:09,602 --> 00:21:12,646
I would return
562
00:21:09,602 --> 00:21:12,646
one hour later,
563
00:21:12,646 --> 00:21:14,774
a brand-new kid.
564
00:21:18,527 --> 00:21:22,156
There'd be a lot of bowing.
565
00:21:18,527 --> 00:21:22,156
"I'm so sorry.
566
00:21:22,156 --> 00:21:24,283
I am so sorry.
567
00:21:24,283 --> 00:21:25,868
My father just informed me
568
00:21:25,868 --> 00:21:30,206
that I'm gonna be working
569
00:21:25,868 --> 00:21:30,206
for you free of charge...
570
00:21:30,206 --> 00:21:32,250
for the next 12 years
571
00:21:30,206 --> 00:21:32,250
of my life.
572
00:21:32,250 --> 00:21:34,210
I apologize deeply."
573
00:21:40,382 --> 00:21:42,384
But the reason I fell
574
00:21:40,382 --> 00:21:42,384
in love with my wife
575
00:21:42,384 --> 00:21:43,970
is because
576
00:21:42,384 --> 00:21:43,970
she is so different.
577
00:21:43,970 --> 00:21:46,555
She brings out
578
00:21:43,970 --> 00:21:46,555
a lot of things in me
579
00:21:46,555 --> 00:21:47,974
that no one ever has.
580
00:21:47,974 --> 00:21:50,768
She loves to go out.
581
00:21:50,768 --> 00:21:53,437
Loves people. Loves to go...
582
00:21:53,437 --> 00:21:55,856
Here, she came home
583
00:21:53,437 --> 00:21:55,856
a couple of months ago.
584
00:21:55,856 --> 00:21:58,484
She's like,
585
00:21:55,856 --> 00:21:58,484
"Met a great couple,
586
00:21:58,484 --> 00:22:02,321
they invited us to their home
587
00:21:58,484 --> 00:22:02,321
for a dinner party."
588
00:22:03,948 --> 00:22:07,201
In my head, I'm like,
589
00:22:03,948 --> 00:22:07,201
"This sounds terrible.
590
00:22:07,201 --> 00:22:08,995
I don't want..."
591
00:22:15,375 --> 00:22:18,296
I have an allergic reaction
592
00:22:15,375 --> 00:22:18,296
to people I don't like.
593
00:22:18,296 --> 00:22:20,840
Right away, I feel it. I itch.
594
00:22:23,717 --> 00:22:25,594
But not everything's
595
00:22:23,717 --> 00:22:25,594
an argument.
596
00:22:25,594 --> 00:22:29,265
So I told my wife, "Eh, yeah...
597
00:22:29,265 --> 00:22:30,516
When is it? Saturday night,
598
00:22:30,516 --> 00:22:33,393
my night off?
599
00:22:30,516 --> 00:22:33,393
Yeah, I'd love to go.
600
00:22:33,393 --> 00:22:34,770
All strangers?
601
00:22:34,770 --> 00:22:37,397
Everybody's gonna
602
00:22:34,770 --> 00:22:37,397
be a stranger?"
603
00:22:43,070 --> 00:22:45,031
So we get in the car.
604
00:22:43,070 --> 00:22:45,031
We start to drive.
605
00:22:45,031 --> 00:22:46,949
The whole ride there
606
00:22:45,031 --> 00:22:46,949
she's promoting the couple.
607
00:22:46,949 --> 00:22:50,703
It's her couple.
608
00:22:46,949 --> 00:22:50,703
She's gotta talk them up.
609
00:22:50,703 --> 00:22:53,706
She's like,
610
00:22:50,703 --> 00:22:53,706
"You're gonna love these two.
611
00:22:53,706 --> 00:22:57,126
She's an interior designer.
612
00:22:53,706 --> 00:22:57,126
She is so creative.
613
00:22:57,126 --> 00:23:00,713
You're gonna love the guy too.
614
00:22:57,126 --> 00:23:00,713
He's a stay-at-home dad.
615
00:23:11,515 --> 00:23:14,143
I didn't grow up with
616
00:23:11,515 --> 00:23:14,143
the stay-at-home dad community.
617
00:23:14,143 --> 00:23:16,145
I didn't--
618
00:23:14,143 --> 00:23:16,145
You don't really find that
619
00:23:16,145 --> 00:23:17,730
in the Italian culture.
620
00:23:17,730 --> 00:23:19,148
You rarely hear a woman go,
621
00:23:19,148 --> 00:23:22,151
"No, Gino's at home
622
00:23:19,148 --> 00:23:22,151
with the kid.
623
00:23:25,238 --> 00:23:27,031
No, he doesn't work.
624
00:23:27,031 --> 00:23:30,743
He just watches Peppa Pig
625
00:23:30,743 --> 00:23:33,746
with the kid."
626
00:23:36,082 --> 00:23:38,334
That wasn't my father,
627
00:23:36,082 --> 00:23:38,334
I'll tell you that.
628
00:23:38,334 --> 00:23:41,087
He wasn't testing milk
629
00:23:38,334 --> 00:23:41,087
on his arm.
630
00:23:43,923 --> 00:23:45,799
"Yeah, no, you can
631
00:23:43,923 --> 00:23:45,799
give him the bottle.
632
00:23:45,799 --> 00:23:47,134
I think it's good."
633
00:23:48,677 --> 00:23:50,304
Dad was working
634
00:23:48,677 --> 00:23:50,304
18 hours a day.
635
00:23:50,304 --> 00:23:52,932
I think I formally met my dad
636
00:23:50,304 --> 00:23:52,932
when I was 18 years old.
637
00:23:55,809 --> 00:23:57,228
He had a little break.
638
00:23:55,809 --> 00:23:57,228
He's like,
639
00:23:57,228 --> 00:23:59,146
"Hey, how you doing?
640
00:23:57,228 --> 00:23:59,146
I'm your father.
641
00:23:59,146 --> 00:24:01,065
I'm your father.
642
00:24:02,316 --> 00:24:03,692
Everything going okay?
643
00:24:03,692 --> 00:24:05,903
Puberty?
644
00:24:03,692 --> 00:24:05,903
Everything growing?"
645
00:24:12,743 --> 00:24:15,288
So we pull up
646
00:24:12,743 --> 00:24:15,288
to the house.
647
00:24:15,288 --> 00:24:17,290
We get out of the car.
648
00:24:15,288 --> 00:24:17,290
Now, we don't go right in
649
00:24:17,290 --> 00:24:18,624
'cause my wife's
650
00:24:17,290 --> 00:24:18,624
gotta coach me
651
00:24:18,624 --> 00:24:21,294
before we go into
652
00:24:18,624 --> 00:24:21,294
any social event.
653
00:24:22,544 --> 00:24:24,462
She's gotta fix me,
654
00:24:22,544 --> 00:24:24,462
she's always fixing me.
655
00:24:24,462 --> 00:24:26,548
My wife's just, "Here, just..."
656
00:24:26,548 --> 00:24:29,843
[grunting] "Fix me up."
657
00:24:30,803 --> 00:24:32,470
She's gotta tell
658
00:24:30,803 --> 00:24:32,470
me what to do.
659
00:24:32,470 --> 00:24:34,432
She's like, "Just smile
660
00:24:32,470 --> 00:24:34,432
when you're in there,
661
00:24:34,432 --> 00:24:35,891
just smile at people."
662
00:24:35,891 --> 00:24:38,227
My wife don't think I smile
663
00:24:35,891 --> 00:24:38,227
around strangers.
664
00:24:38,227 --> 00:24:40,520
She thinks I got
665
00:24:38,227 --> 00:24:40,520
a mean resting face.
666
00:24:40,520 --> 00:24:42,189
Like, if I'm not
667
00:24:40,520 --> 00:24:42,189
talking or smiling,
668
00:24:42,189 --> 00:24:44,733
it looks like I could murder
669
00:24:42,189 --> 00:24:44,733
your entire family.
670
00:24:56,412 --> 00:24:58,747
So I tell my wife,
671
00:24:56,412 --> 00:24:58,747
"Don't worry about it.
672
00:24:58,747 --> 00:25:02,001
It's just new people.
673
00:24:58,747 --> 00:25:02,001
We're gonna have fun."
674
00:25:02,001 --> 00:25:04,586
So come up to the door.
675
00:25:02,001 --> 00:25:04,586
I ring the bell.
676
00:25:04,586 --> 00:25:07,131
They came to the door
677
00:25:04,586 --> 00:25:07,131
as a couple.
678
00:25:07,131 --> 00:25:09,091
That bothered me.
679
00:25:11,344 --> 00:25:13,762
[mouthing words]
680
00:25:18,434 --> 00:25:22,938
Just send one representative
681
00:25:18,434 --> 00:25:22,938
to the door.
682
00:25:22,938 --> 00:25:26,442
Both of you don't
683
00:25:22,938 --> 00:25:26,442
have to come holding hands.
684
00:25:33,699 --> 00:25:34,908
Now you walk in.
685
00:25:34,908 --> 00:25:37,244
It's a house I've never
686
00:25:34,908 --> 00:25:37,244
been in before.
687
00:25:37,244 --> 00:25:39,788
As soon as I walk in,
688
00:25:37,244 --> 00:25:39,788
I look at everything around me.
689
00:25:39,788 --> 00:25:41,290
I'm walking into
690
00:25:39,788 --> 00:25:41,290
a new environment,
691
00:25:41,290 --> 00:25:45,044
I take a 360,
692
00:25:41,290 --> 00:25:45,044
and I take it in.
693
00:25:45,044 --> 00:25:47,963
I look for escape routes.
694
00:25:49,673 --> 00:25:51,549
My wife don't
695
00:25:49,673 --> 00:25:51,549
look at nothin'.
696
00:25:51,549 --> 00:25:53,386
My wife's in the clouds.
697
00:25:53,386 --> 00:25:56,472
She's just walking.
698
00:25:56,472 --> 00:25:57,806
Could be
699
00:25:56,472 --> 00:25:57,806
a burning building.
700
00:25:57,806 --> 00:26:00,893
She would,
701
00:25:57,806 --> 00:26:00,893
"Whoa, wow, it's hot.
702
00:26:00,893 --> 00:26:02,769
Think I'll try over here."
703
00:26:05,856 --> 00:26:07,441
So I see the guy
704
00:26:05,856 --> 00:26:07,441
right away.
705
00:26:07,441 --> 00:26:10,027
He's got a T-shirt, #Dad.
706
00:26:15,449 --> 00:26:16,950
Then he tells me, "Can you
707
00:26:15,449 --> 00:26:16,950
take your shoes off, please?
708
00:26:16,950 --> 00:26:18,576
This is a shoe-free
709
00:26:16,950 --> 00:26:18,576
environment."
710
00:26:18,576 --> 00:26:20,829
I said, "What the fuck
711
00:26:18,576 --> 00:26:20,829
did you just tell me to do?"
712
00:26:23,165 --> 00:26:25,251
Shoes don't come off.
713
00:26:25,251 --> 00:26:27,211
My shoes come on once a night.
714
00:26:27,211 --> 00:26:30,214
That's it.
715
00:26:30,214 --> 00:26:32,341
I know some of you aren't
716
00:26:30,214 --> 00:26:32,341
even feeling this right now
717
00:26:32,341 --> 00:26:34,468
'cause you do this to people.
718
00:26:32,341 --> 00:26:34,468
Don't do this.
719
00:26:34,468 --> 00:26:36,887
Do not do this
720
00:26:34,468 --> 00:26:36,887
to grown people.
721
00:26:38,180 --> 00:26:39,557
All right? You're
722
00:26:38,180 --> 00:26:39,557
sitting there going,
723
00:26:39,557 --> 00:26:42,184
"Wh-wh-what's wrong with that?
724
00:26:42,184 --> 00:26:44,562
We have people take
725
00:26:42,184 --> 00:26:44,562
their shoes off all the ti--
726
00:26:44,562 --> 00:26:47,440
We have white carpet."
727
00:26:44,562 --> 00:26:47,440
Why you got white carpet?
728
00:26:47,440 --> 00:26:49,191
Why?
729
00:26:55,155 --> 00:26:57,116
And my wife knows how I feel
730
00:26:55,155 --> 00:26:57,116
about the shoe thing.
731
00:26:57,116 --> 00:26:58,616
She taps me. She's like,
732
00:26:57,116 --> 00:26:58,616
"Just take them off.
733
00:26:58,616 --> 00:27:00,660
Take them off.
734
00:26:58,616 --> 00:27:00,660
These are nice people."
735
00:27:00,660 --> 00:27:01,954
So now I gotta remove my shoes
736
00:27:01,954 --> 00:27:03,705
in front of two people
737
00:27:01,954 --> 00:27:03,705
I just met.
738
00:27:03,705 --> 00:27:06,833
Try and hold a conversation.
739
00:27:03,705 --> 00:27:06,833
It's strange, you know?
740
00:27:06,833 --> 00:27:08,710
"So how long have
741
00:27:06,833 --> 00:27:08,710
you lived here?"
742
00:27:15,633 --> 00:27:18,387
So I dropped my shoes
743
00:27:15,633 --> 00:27:18,387
in the shoe farm.
744
00:27:21,557 --> 00:27:24,017
Now I'm walking around
745
00:27:21,557 --> 00:27:24,017
a stranger's house
746
00:27:24,017 --> 00:27:27,313
in my socks.
747
00:27:27,313 --> 00:27:30,190
Meeting other grown men
748
00:27:27,313 --> 00:27:30,190
in their socks.
749
00:27:30,190 --> 00:27:31,649
"Hey, how--?"
750
00:27:42,995 --> 00:27:45,831
There's four guys
751
00:27:42,995 --> 00:27:45,831
in a sock circle.
752
00:27:48,750 --> 00:27:50,210
One guy came up,
753
00:27:48,750 --> 00:27:50,210
he was barefoot.
754
00:27:50,210 --> 00:27:52,129
I almost threw up
755
00:27:50,210 --> 00:27:52,129
in my mouth.
756
00:28:01,347 --> 00:28:02,680
The guy was barefoot.
757
00:28:02,680 --> 00:28:06,101
He wanted to talk
758
00:28:02,680 --> 00:28:06,101
serious topics.
759
00:28:06,101 --> 00:28:08,770
He's like, "What do you
760
00:28:06,101 --> 00:28:08,770
think of ISIS?"
761
00:28:08,770 --> 00:28:12,650
I said, "What do you think
762
00:28:08,770 --> 00:28:12,650
about putting some socks?"
763
00:28:12,650 --> 00:28:14,026
Ah!
764
00:28:14,026 --> 00:28:16,570
[whistling]
765
00:28:18,197 --> 00:28:23,410
"ISIS is the least
766
00:28:18,197 --> 00:28:23,410
of your concerns."
767
00:28:26,121 --> 00:28:30,042
The bunion on this guy
768
00:28:26,121 --> 00:28:30,042
was so large,
769
00:28:30,042 --> 00:28:33,086
his big toe was headed
770
00:28:30,042 --> 00:28:33,086
for the kitchen.
771
00:28:36,298 --> 00:28:39,552
You're showcasing
772
00:28:36,298 --> 00:28:39,552
this tonight?
773
00:28:39,552 --> 00:28:41,554
What happened to you?
774
00:28:48,101 --> 00:28:52,523
But my wife's voice
775
00:28:48,101 --> 00:28:52,523
is in the back of my head.
776
00:28:52,523 --> 00:28:54,941
Be friendly. Be open.
777
00:28:54,941 --> 00:28:56,735
Smile.
778
00:28:59,613 --> 00:29:01,281
So it's a group of guys.
779
00:29:01,281 --> 00:29:02,908
They all know each other.
780
00:29:01,281 --> 00:29:02,908
They don't know me.
781
00:29:02,908 --> 00:29:04,993
They all went
782
00:29:02,908 --> 00:29:04,993
to college together.
783
00:29:04,993 --> 00:29:06,579
They're in their mid-40s.
784
00:29:06,579 --> 00:29:08,581
I'm just summing everything up
785
00:29:06,579 --> 00:29:08,581
as I'm listening, huh?
786
00:29:08,581 --> 00:29:11,291
Okay, here's this.
787
00:29:08,581 --> 00:29:11,291
This is this. I got this.
788
00:29:12,585 --> 00:29:14,336
But they're reminiscing
789
00:29:12,585 --> 00:29:14,336
about the college years
790
00:29:14,336 --> 00:29:16,547
because they're unhappy
791
00:29:14,336 --> 00:29:16,547
in their life right now.
792
00:29:16,547 --> 00:29:18,757
We all know these people
793
00:29:16,547 --> 00:29:18,757
in their mid-40s.
794
00:29:18,757 --> 00:29:22,386
They gotta go back about
795
00:29:18,757 --> 00:29:22,386
25 years to figure out,
796
00:29:22,386 --> 00:29:25,764
"Hey." And they always
797
00:29:22,386 --> 00:29:25,764
refer to each other
798
00:29:25,764 --> 00:29:28,100
by their last name.
799
00:29:25,764 --> 00:29:28,100
"Hey, Schmitty, remember?
800
00:29:30,894 --> 00:29:32,688
Remember college?
801
00:29:30,894 --> 00:29:32,688
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
802
00:29:32,688 --> 00:29:35,315
Beer bong? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
803
00:29:32,688 --> 00:29:35,315
Pissing in the yard?"
804
00:29:39,278 --> 00:29:41,363
Yeah, that's the type of guys
805
00:29:39,278 --> 00:29:41,363
that do fantasy football.
806
00:29:41,363 --> 00:29:43,449
That's all they do.
807
00:29:41,363 --> 00:29:43,449
"Hey, how's your receivers?"
808
00:29:43,449 --> 00:29:46,118
"Oh, my receivers
809
00:29:43,449 --> 00:29:46,118
are really good this year."
810
00:29:53,917 --> 00:29:56,878
So I break out of that.
811
00:29:56,878 --> 00:29:58,922
I start making my way
812
00:29:56,878 --> 00:29:58,922
to the kitchen.
813
00:29:58,922 --> 00:30:01,467
Now I start noticing
814
00:29:58,922 --> 00:30:01,467
baby gates
815
00:30:01,467 --> 00:30:03,302
all over the house.
816
00:30:03,302 --> 00:30:06,263
Take the baby gates down
817
00:30:06,263 --> 00:30:08,474
when you got people over.
818
00:30:08,474 --> 00:30:11,351
It's weird. Now I'm walking
819
00:30:08,474 --> 00:30:11,351
around the house...
820
00:30:28,076 --> 00:30:31,371
So I go right to the kitchen
821
00:30:28,076 --> 00:30:31,371
'cause I'm hungry.
822
00:30:31,371 --> 00:30:33,873
There's no food.
823
00:30:33,873 --> 00:30:35,584
They got nothing to pick on.
824
00:30:35,584 --> 00:30:38,920
I become very concerned.
825
00:30:38,920 --> 00:30:40,798
You have to understand
826
00:30:38,920 --> 00:30:40,798
something
827
00:30:40,798 --> 00:30:42,215
about the way I grew up.
828
00:30:42,215 --> 00:30:43,467
I grew up in a house,
829
00:30:43,467 --> 00:30:47,262
there was food everywhere.
830
00:30:47,262 --> 00:30:49,807
Every two feet,
831
00:30:47,262 --> 00:30:49,807
you just bump in...
832
00:30:56,271 --> 00:30:58,440
So good.
833
00:30:58,440 --> 00:31:02,861
I had a grandmother
834
00:30:58,440 --> 00:31:02,861
who lived in the basement
835
00:31:02,861 --> 00:31:05,322
just cranking out lasagnas.
836
00:31:14,914 --> 00:31:17,334
It was like a lasagna factory
837
00:31:17,334 --> 00:31:18,836
in the basement.
838
00:31:18,836 --> 00:31:21,630
Food just kept coming up
839
00:31:18,836 --> 00:31:21,630
the stairs for no reason.
840
00:31:21,630 --> 00:31:26,301
There was meat hanging
841
00:31:21,630 --> 00:31:26,301
from the ceiling.
842
00:31:26,301 --> 00:31:28,637
There was a sauce room
843
00:31:26,301 --> 00:31:28,637
with a bunch of dates
844
00:31:28,637 --> 00:31:30,556
on masking tape.
845
00:31:35,602 --> 00:31:38,104
It's all this woman did
846
00:31:35,602 --> 00:31:38,104
was cook.
847
00:31:38,104 --> 00:31:40,357
My grandmother never had a job.
848
00:31:40,357 --> 00:31:42,776
She just cooked in the basement
849
00:31:42,776 --> 00:31:44,570
with a salmon-colored nightgown
850
00:31:44,570 --> 00:31:46,905
with her tits
851
00:31:44,570 --> 00:31:46,905
hanging out the side.
852
00:31:56,582 --> 00:31:59,585
Didn't even use a spoon.
853
00:31:56,582 --> 00:31:59,585
Just her hand.
854
00:32:04,923 --> 00:32:07,885
Nylons up to the knee.
855
00:32:09,469 --> 00:32:12,180
Her fat foot shoved
856
00:32:09,469 --> 00:32:12,180
in a shoe.
857
00:32:13,766 --> 00:32:15,475
Little white shoe
858
00:32:13,766 --> 00:32:15,475
with a strap
859
00:32:15,475 --> 00:32:18,771
with the fat trying to escape
860
00:32:15,475 --> 00:32:18,771
any part of the shoe.
861
00:32:25,611 --> 00:32:28,405
My grandmother had
862
00:32:25,611 --> 00:32:28,405
so much sodium in her diet,
863
00:32:28,405 --> 00:32:30,908
she was constantly swollen.
864
00:32:32,868 --> 00:32:34,745
There was no allergies
865
00:32:32,868 --> 00:32:34,745
back then.
866
00:32:34,745 --> 00:32:37,956
You just ate the bread
867
00:32:34,745 --> 00:32:37,956
and just dealt with the rash.
868
00:32:45,213 --> 00:32:48,383
Grandma didn't speak nothin'.
869
00:32:45,213 --> 00:32:48,383
No English. Nothin'.
870
00:32:49,509 --> 00:32:51,010
She'd always come,
871
00:32:49,509 --> 00:32:51,010
you know,
872
00:32:51,010 --> 00:32:52,721
try to find me
873
00:32:51,010 --> 00:32:52,721
in the house.
874
00:32:52,721 --> 00:32:55,390
[imitates Italian]
875
00:33:00,312 --> 00:33:01,897
"I feed you meal.
876
00:33:00,312 --> 00:33:01,897
Come here.
877
00:33:01,897 --> 00:33:04,107
I got spare. I give it.
878
00:33:04,107 --> 00:33:06,234
Here take it.
879
00:33:06,234 --> 00:33:08,612
Take it. It for you."
880
00:33:08,612 --> 00:33:10,823
It's a dime.
881
00:33:25,128 --> 00:33:27,380
We called her Grandma.
882
00:33:25,128 --> 00:33:27,380
That was her name.
883
00:33:27,380 --> 00:33:28,632
Grandma.
884
00:33:28,632 --> 00:33:30,801
No stupid nickname
885
00:33:28,632 --> 00:33:30,801
for my grandmother.
886
00:33:32,427 --> 00:33:35,597
Ever hear how people refer
887
00:33:32,427 --> 00:33:35,597
to their grandparents?
888
00:33:35,597 --> 00:33:38,600
"Oh, this is my memaw
889
00:33:35,597 --> 00:33:38,600
and my peepaw." What?
890
00:33:45,691 --> 00:33:48,401
"This is my pee pee
891
00:33:45,691 --> 00:33:48,401
and my poo poo." Huh?
892
00:33:54,115 --> 00:33:57,911
The guy's 95 years old.
893
00:33:54,115 --> 00:33:57,911
He fought in World War II.
894
00:33:57,911 --> 00:34:01,790
Stormed the beach at Normandy.
895
00:33:57,911 --> 00:34:01,790
Now his name is Pee Pee?
896
00:34:01,790 --> 00:34:04,835
What are you doing
897
00:34:01,790 --> 00:34:04,835
to the man?
898
00:34:04,835 --> 00:34:07,671
Have some respect.
899
00:34:13,760 --> 00:34:15,512
My grandfather was my hero.
900
00:34:15,512 --> 00:34:17,305
My grandfather
901
00:34:15,512 --> 00:34:17,305
could do anything.
902
00:34:17,305 --> 00:34:20,350
This guy had seven,
903
00:34:17,305 --> 00:34:20,350
eight different jobs.
904
00:34:20,350 --> 00:34:23,478
He could make you
905
00:34:20,350 --> 00:34:23,478
a pair of shoes overnight.
906
00:34:24,730 --> 00:34:26,982
What man could do that today,
907
00:34:26,982 --> 00:34:29,776
with the, "Hey, hey,
908
00:34:26,982 --> 00:34:29,776
how's your receivers?"
909
00:34:35,156 --> 00:34:39,661
My grandfather just lived
910
00:34:35,156 --> 00:34:39,661
in the yard like a man.
911
00:34:39,661 --> 00:34:43,999
Just... no shirt.
912
00:34:39,661 --> 00:34:43,999
No shirt on my grandfather.
913
00:34:43,999 --> 00:34:46,084
Just hair everywhere.
914
00:34:46,084 --> 00:34:50,213
Coming off his shoulders
915
00:34:46,084 --> 00:34:50,213
like a palm tree.
916
00:34:50,213 --> 00:34:55,218
Right out of his nipples
917
00:34:50,213 --> 00:34:55,218
like weeping willows.
918
00:34:55,218 --> 00:34:58,805
Just 12 inches of immigrant hair
919
00:34:58,805 --> 00:35:01,767
coming right out of his tits.
920
00:35:06,021 --> 00:35:08,857
He would sweat like a pig,
921
00:35:06,021 --> 00:35:08,857
my grandfather.
922
00:35:08,857 --> 00:35:10,400
He would do eight hours
923
00:35:08,857 --> 00:35:10,400
of yard work.
924
00:35:10,400 --> 00:35:11,860
He would come back in.
925
00:35:11,860 --> 00:35:14,613
Within his chest hair
926
00:35:11,860 --> 00:35:14,613
were grass clippings,
927
00:35:14,613 --> 00:35:17,908
ants, twigs,
928
00:35:17,908 --> 00:35:20,827
dirt between the fat roll.
929
00:35:26,458 --> 00:35:28,126
He'd go right
930
00:35:26,458 --> 00:35:28,126
for the watermelon.
931
00:35:28,126 --> 00:35:32,297
My grandfather, that's all
932
00:35:28,126 --> 00:35:32,297
he did was eat watermelon.
933
00:35:32,297 --> 00:35:34,507
And the way he prepared it
934
00:35:32,297 --> 00:35:34,507
was a lot different
935
00:35:34,507 --> 00:35:36,009
than my American friends.
936
00:35:36,009 --> 00:35:38,386
When we went over to
937
00:35:36,009 --> 00:35:38,386
our American friend's house
938
00:35:38,386 --> 00:35:39,805
for watermelon,
939
00:35:39,805 --> 00:35:42,891
it was unbelievable,
940
00:35:39,805 --> 00:35:42,891
the presentation they did.
941
00:35:42,891 --> 00:35:45,602
The mother actually
942
00:35:42,891 --> 00:35:45,602
balled out the watermelon.
943
00:35:45,602 --> 00:35:48,730
She had a baller.
944
00:35:45,602 --> 00:35:48,730
Seedless watermelon.
945
00:35:48,730 --> 00:35:53,276
She took her time
946
00:35:48,730 --> 00:35:53,276
to make balls
947
00:35:53,276 --> 00:35:55,236
in a little Tupperware thing.
948
00:35:55,236 --> 00:35:56,571
And the kids would come in.
949
00:35:56,571 --> 00:35:58,197
She would put out
950
00:35:56,571 --> 00:35:58,197
the Tupperware
951
00:35:58,197 --> 00:36:01,534
with the balls with toothpicks.
952
00:36:01,534 --> 00:36:03,745
So you'd come in,
953
00:36:01,534 --> 00:36:03,745
you would get your toothpick,
954
00:36:03,745 --> 00:36:06,039
you would stab your ball.
955
00:36:08,583 --> 00:36:11,128
"Oh, Mrs. Johnson, this
956
00:36:08,583 --> 00:36:11,128
is really sweet watermelon.
957
00:36:11,128 --> 00:36:13,421
Where did you get that?"
958
00:36:13,421 --> 00:36:14,840
Not my grandfather.
959
00:36:14,840 --> 00:36:17,175
He came to the table
960
00:36:14,840 --> 00:36:17,175
with a large watermelon
961
00:36:17,175 --> 00:36:21,013
with a serrated machete
962
00:36:17,175 --> 00:36:21,013
hanging off his hip.
963
00:36:21,013 --> 00:36:23,473
Start cutting large triangles
964
00:36:21,013 --> 00:36:23,473
for the family.
965
00:36:23,473 --> 00:36:26,935
[imitates thudding]
966
00:36:23,473 --> 00:36:26,935
Heh, here ya are!
967
00:36:28,812 --> 00:36:31,064
[audience cheers]
968
00:36:36,903 --> 00:36:38,947
He would distribute triangles
969
00:36:38,947 --> 00:36:42,241
that no one could handle
970
00:36:38,947 --> 00:36:42,241
on paper plates.
971
00:36:42,241 --> 00:36:44,577
God knows why the hell
972
00:36:42,241 --> 00:36:44,577
they used paper plates
973
00:36:44,577 --> 00:36:47,497
for watermelon.
974
00:36:47,497 --> 00:36:49,541
Ever watch your family
975
00:36:47,497 --> 00:36:49,541
eat watermelon?
976
00:36:49,541 --> 00:36:51,960
It's disgusting.
977
00:36:51,960 --> 00:36:55,213
Seeds are flying
978
00:36:51,960 --> 00:36:55,213
all over the table.
979
00:36:55,213 --> 00:36:57,799
You get hit in the head
980
00:36:55,213 --> 00:36:57,799
with a stray seed.
981
00:37:05,557 --> 00:37:07,600
So we're at this party.
982
00:37:07,600 --> 00:37:09,268
I gotta go find my wife.
983
00:37:09,268 --> 00:37:12,397
Now my wife, I find her
984
00:37:09,268 --> 00:37:12,397
in a compliment circle
985
00:37:12,397 --> 00:37:14,107
with six other women.
986
00:37:14,107 --> 00:37:15,650
They're comparing notes.
987
00:37:15,650 --> 00:37:18,028
They're complimenting
988
00:37:15,650 --> 00:37:18,028
each other on the outfits.
989
00:37:18,028 --> 00:37:20,072
"Oh, are those gel nails?"
990
00:37:20,072 --> 00:37:23,116
"Yeah, they're gel nails.
991
00:37:23,116 --> 00:37:26,494
It's the bronzer.
992
00:37:23,116 --> 00:37:26,494
All the bronzer..."
993
00:37:27,996 --> 00:37:30,916
So I tell my wife, I go,
994
00:37:27,996 --> 00:37:30,916
"Get over here. Come here."
995
00:37:30,916 --> 00:37:32,167
I go, "We gotta
996
00:37:30,916 --> 00:37:32,167
get outta here.
997
00:37:32,167 --> 00:37:34,293
There's no food."
998
00:37:34,293 --> 00:37:35,754
She like, "What are you
999
00:37:34,293 --> 00:37:35,754
talking about?"
1000
00:37:35,754 --> 00:37:37,923
There's six chicken wings
1001
00:37:35,754 --> 00:37:37,923
and 33 people.
1002
00:37:37,923 --> 00:37:40,425
Can I have a wing?
1003
00:37:40,425 --> 00:37:42,385
I don't wanna have
1004
00:37:40,425 --> 00:37:42,385
to do math at a party.
1005
00:37:42,385 --> 00:37:44,637
I threw a barbecue last week.
1006
00:37:44,637 --> 00:37:47,390
12 burgers. 12 people.
1007
00:37:48,516 --> 00:37:50,268
12 slices of tomato.
1008
00:37:50,268 --> 00:37:53,271
What if I want another slice?
1009
00:37:54,856 --> 00:37:58,276
I don't want to have to count
1010
00:37:54,856 --> 00:37:58,276
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7.
1011
00:37:58,276 --> 00:38:01,362
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8.
1012
00:38:01,362 --> 00:38:04,365
Can I have two, or am I
1013
00:38:01,362 --> 00:38:04,365
stealing from somebody else?
1014
00:38:09,996 --> 00:38:11,206
Well, my wife's Jewish.
1015
00:38:11,206 --> 00:38:15,376
A different, uh...
1016
00:38:11,206 --> 00:38:15,376
different culture.
1017
00:38:15,376 --> 00:38:17,170
When you marry
1018
00:38:15,376 --> 00:38:17,170
into a Jewish family,
1019
00:38:17,170 --> 00:38:18,713
I'm telling you, anything,
1020
00:38:18,713 --> 00:38:21,424
if you have any differences
1021
00:38:18,713 --> 00:38:21,424
in culture, religion,
1022
00:38:21,424 --> 00:38:22,592
it's an adjustment.
1023
00:38:22,592 --> 00:38:23,760
For example,
1024
00:38:22,592 --> 00:38:23,760
when we got married,
1025
00:38:23,760 --> 00:38:25,804
we had a rabbi and a priest.
1026
00:38:25,804 --> 00:38:27,472
Total scam.
1027
00:38:28,932 --> 00:38:30,016
Total scam.
1028
00:38:30,016 --> 00:38:31,476
We met them at a restaurant.
1029
00:38:31,476 --> 00:38:33,311
They were gonna tell us
1030
00:38:31,476 --> 00:38:33,311
how the ceremony
1031
00:38:33,311 --> 00:38:34,646
was gonna work.
1032
00:38:34,646 --> 00:38:36,815
And the Jewish rabbi
1033
00:38:34,646 --> 00:38:36,815
was there very early.
1034
00:38:36,815 --> 00:38:39,818
Had a lot of paperwork
1035
00:38:36,815 --> 00:38:39,818
for us to sign.
1036
00:38:39,818 --> 00:38:42,862
Of course, my father,
1037
00:38:39,818 --> 00:38:42,862
"Don't sign nothing!
1038
00:38:47,325 --> 00:38:49,661
You sign that,
1039
00:38:47,325 --> 00:38:49,661
then you're Jewish."
1040
00:39:05,051 --> 00:39:08,387
We had an Italian priest.
1041
00:39:05,051 --> 00:39:08,387
He came 45 minutes late.
1042
00:39:10,307 --> 00:39:11,683
Didn't even look like a priest.
1043
00:39:11,683 --> 00:39:13,059
No collar. Nothing.
1044
00:39:13,059 --> 00:39:15,645
Everything unbuttoned.
1045
00:39:13,059 --> 00:39:15,645
Smelled phenomenal.
1046
00:39:17,272 --> 00:39:20,233
Hitting on my wife.
1047
00:39:17,272 --> 00:39:20,233
"Everything all right?"
1048
00:39:34,080 --> 00:39:35,790
Now we get married.
1049
00:39:35,790 --> 00:39:37,667
My wife likes different things.
1050
00:39:37,667 --> 00:39:39,336
She likes shopping
1051
00:39:37,667 --> 00:39:39,336
different places.
1052
00:39:39,336 --> 00:39:41,671
She loves Whole Foods.
1053
00:39:39,336 --> 00:39:41,671
That's her store.
1054
00:39:41,671 --> 00:39:43,381
She sends me there
1055
00:39:41,671 --> 00:39:43,381
every once in a while.
1056
00:39:43,381 --> 00:39:44,674
Can't stand going in.
1057
00:39:44,674 --> 00:39:46,425
She goes, "Babe,
1058
00:39:44,674 --> 00:39:46,425
can you go to Whole--"
1059
00:39:46,425 --> 00:39:48,261
"I-- I-- I don't
1060
00:39:46,425 --> 00:39:48,261
wanna go there."
1061
00:39:48,261 --> 00:39:49,554
The people over there bother me.
1062
00:39:49,554 --> 00:39:50,930
You ever go to Whole Foods?
1063
00:39:50,930 --> 00:39:53,599
Everybody at Whole Foods
1064
00:39:50,930 --> 00:39:53,599
looks like
1065
00:39:53,599 --> 00:39:56,519
they make their own clothes.
1066
00:40:01,524 --> 00:40:04,485
Right? There's hemp clothing,
1067
00:40:01,524 --> 00:40:04,485
comes in two colors,
1068
00:40:04,485 --> 00:40:06,905
oatmeal and throw up.
1069
00:40:11,450 --> 00:40:13,912
Everybody's eating seeds.
1070
00:40:22,003 --> 00:40:23,963
They get serious
1071
00:40:22,003 --> 00:40:23,963
when they ask a question.
1072
00:40:23,963 --> 00:40:25,298
They gotta hold their heart.
1073
00:40:25,298 --> 00:40:26,716
They come up
1074
00:40:25,298 --> 00:40:26,716
to the meat counter,
1075
00:40:26,716 --> 00:40:30,303
"Is it organic?
1076
00:40:26,716 --> 00:40:30,303
Is it farm to table?
1077
00:40:31,512 --> 00:40:34,015
Do the chickens
1078
00:40:31,512 --> 00:40:34,015
have friends
1079
00:40:34,015 --> 00:40:36,976
and do they play well
1080
00:40:34,015 --> 00:40:36,976
with one another?"
1081
00:40:42,982 --> 00:40:45,526
Gets weird. In the middle
1082
00:40:42,982 --> 00:40:45,526
of the store, it changes.
1083
00:40:45,526 --> 00:40:47,070
It goes from fruits
1084
00:40:45,526 --> 00:40:47,070
and vegetables
1085
00:40:47,070 --> 00:40:49,948
to soaps and potions.
1086
00:40:52,284 --> 00:40:54,369
Nobody knows what
1087
00:40:52,284 --> 00:40:54,369
they're doing in this section.
1088
00:40:54,369 --> 00:40:55,661
You just kind of end up
1089
00:40:54,369 --> 00:40:55,661
in there.
1090
00:40:55,661 --> 00:40:56,955
"Oh, wow.
1091
00:40:56,955 --> 00:40:59,082
I don't recognize
1092
00:40:56,955 --> 00:40:59,082
anything in here.
1093
00:40:59,082 --> 00:41:01,084
I gotta get out of here."
1094
00:41:04,379 --> 00:41:06,005
There's always a person
1095
00:41:04,379 --> 00:41:06,005
walking around
1096
00:41:06,005 --> 00:41:08,549
with a little vial,
1097
00:41:06,005 --> 00:41:08,549
trying to find,
1098
00:41:08,549 --> 00:41:11,803
"What does this do?
1099
00:41:08,549 --> 00:41:11,803
What is this?"
1100
00:41:11,803 --> 00:41:13,263
And some hippie
1101
00:41:11,803 --> 00:41:13,263
that works there
1102
00:41:13,263 --> 00:41:15,265
falls out
1103
00:41:13,263 --> 00:41:15,265
of the shelving unit.
1104
00:41:19,518 --> 00:41:23,022
"Well, that's argan oil.
1105
00:41:19,518 --> 00:41:23,022
That's argan oil.
1106
00:41:25,317 --> 00:41:26,901
It has multiple uses.
1107
00:41:26,901 --> 00:41:28,861
You could drizzle
1108
00:41:26,901 --> 00:41:28,861
a bit on your salads.
1109
00:41:28,861 --> 00:41:31,156
It helps with digestion.
1110
00:41:31,156 --> 00:41:33,491
Also, put some underneath
1111
00:41:31,156 --> 00:41:33,491
your nose.
1112
00:41:33,491 --> 00:41:34,826
It opens up your nasal way.
1113
00:41:36,577 --> 00:41:39,372
And lastly, if you have
1114
00:41:36,577 --> 00:41:39,372
a rash on your asshole,
1115
00:41:39,372 --> 00:41:41,374
just pepper some in.
1116
00:41:41,374 --> 00:41:45,837
Just... Absolutely.
1117
00:41:45,837 --> 00:41:47,546
Preferably in the morning.
1118
00:41:47,546 --> 00:41:50,175
It clears up by the afternoon.
1119
00:41:50,175 --> 00:41:52,260
It's $8,000 for the vial.
1120
00:41:52,260 --> 00:41:54,846
Just check out, if you like."
1121
00:41:58,557 --> 00:42:01,686
The store is weird.
1122
00:42:01,686 --> 00:42:03,646
The problem is
1123
00:42:01,686 --> 00:42:03,646
everybody over there
1124
00:42:03,646 --> 00:42:05,773
thinks they're saving
1125
00:42:03,646 --> 00:42:05,773
the planet.
1126
00:42:05,773 --> 00:42:09,027
It's the big green movement
1127
00:42:05,773 --> 00:42:09,027
at Whole Foods.
1128
00:42:09,027 --> 00:42:10,611
And if you're doing
1129
00:42:09,027 --> 00:42:10,611
the green thing,
1130
00:42:10,611 --> 00:42:13,114
God bless you. I've tried.
1131
00:42:10,611 --> 00:42:13,114
It's just not for me.
1132
00:42:13,114 --> 00:42:15,116
It's... I've got friends
1133
00:42:15,116 --> 00:42:17,285
that brag
1134
00:42:15,116 --> 00:42:17,285
about how green they are.
1135
00:42:17,285 --> 00:42:19,620
You go to their house,
1136
00:42:17,285 --> 00:42:19,620
they're like, "Look at the--
1137
00:42:19,620 --> 00:42:21,956
Look at the light bulbs
1138
00:42:19,620 --> 00:42:21,956
in my-- in my kitchen.
1139
00:42:21,956 --> 00:42:26,585
I'm saving, uh, 53%
1140
00:42:21,956 --> 00:42:26,585
on my electricity bill
1141
00:42:26,585 --> 00:42:28,421
'cause I got green light bulbs."
1142
00:42:28,421 --> 00:42:31,549
I go, "Yeah? I can't see you.
1143
00:42:36,095 --> 00:42:38,764
You are dim. You're dim."
1144
00:42:46,064 --> 00:42:48,191
Now, at Whole Foods,
1145
00:42:46,064 --> 00:42:48,191
they make you feel bad.
1146
00:42:48,191 --> 00:42:50,068
God forbid you get a bag.
1147
00:42:48,191 --> 00:42:50,068
I ask for a bag.
1148
00:42:50,068 --> 00:42:52,695
The guys says,
1149
00:42:50,068 --> 00:42:52,695
"Are you gonna take a...?
1150
00:42:54,072 --> 00:42:55,948
Take a bag
1151
00:42:54,072 --> 00:42:55,948
and destroy our planet?"
1152
00:42:55,948 --> 00:42:59,369
I go, "I don't know.
1153
00:42:55,948 --> 00:42:59,369
I got 93 items.
1154
00:42:59,369 --> 00:43:01,079
What do you want
1155
00:42:59,369 --> 00:43:01,079
me to do? Just--"
1156
00:43:12,006 --> 00:43:15,593
It's weird over there.
1157
00:43:12,006 --> 00:43:15,593
They got a masseuse.
1158
00:43:15,593 --> 00:43:19,305
There's a masseuse propped up
1159
00:43:15,593 --> 00:43:19,305
in the store just...
1160
00:43:19,305 --> 00:43:21,099
rubbing some guy's scapula.
1161
00:43:21,099 --> 00:43:23,142
What?
1162
00:43:23,142 --> 00:43:24,810
He don't even know
1163
00:43:23,142 --> 00:43:24,810
where to look.
1164
00:43:24,810 --> 00:43:27,355
He's trying to figure out,
1165
00:43:24,810 --> 00:43:27,355
"How the hell did I end up
1166
00:43:27,355 --> 00:43:30,858
at Whole Foods, massaging people
1167
00:43:30,858 --> 00:43:31,984
near the lavender chips?"
1168
00:43:31,984 --> 00:43:34,612
What...?
1169
00:43:34,612 --> 00:43:37,574
I've never told my wife, "Babe,
1170
00:43:34,612 --> 00:43:37,574
I gotta go get some grapes.
1171
00:43:37,574 --> 00:43:40,826
And I got a knot
1172
00:43:37,574 --> 00:43:40,826
in my neck so bad.
1173
00:43:40,826 --> 00:43:42,703
I hope he's in aisle eight."
1174
00:43:46,874 --> 00:43:49,461
So different, my wife and I.
1175
00:43:49,461 --> 00:43:51,421
My wife loves Halloween.
1176
00:43:51,421 --> 00:43:54,132
That's her, uh...
1177
00:43:51,421 --> 00:43:54,132
that's her deal.
1178
00:43:54,132 --> 00:43:56,509
She loves giving out
1179
00:43:54,132 --> 00:43:56,509
candy to the kids.
1180
00:43:56,509 --> 00:43:59,262
Now, my house,
1181
00:43:56,509 --> 00:43:59,262
before I met my wife,
1182
00:43:59,262 --> 00:44:02,140
dark on Halloween.
1183
00:44:02,140 --> 00:44:04,350
Shut the shit down.
1184
00:44:08,396 --> 00:44:09,897
But, you know,
1185
00:44:08,396 --> 00:44:09,897
you're married now.
1186
00:44:09,897 --> 00:44:11,857
You gotta,
1187
00:44:09,897 --> 00:44:11,857
"Oh, yeah, let's do it."
1188
00:44:12,858 --> 00:44:14,110
We get the bowl.
1189
00:44:14,110 --> 00:44:15,820
We get ready
1190
00:44:14,110 --> 00:44:15,820
for our trick-or-treaters.
1191
00:44:15,820 --> 00:44:17,863
I was into it at first.
1192
00:44:15,820 --> 00:44:17,863
I was into it.
1193
00:44:17,863 --> 00:44:19,907
I go, "Okay,
1194
00:44:17,863 --> 00:44:19,907
I'm gonna do this."
1195
00:44:19,907 --> 00:44:22,118
So the kids start
1196
00:44:19,907 --> 00:44:22,118
coming up to the door.
1197
00:44:22,118 --> 00:44:24,203
No outfits. Nothing.
1198
00:44:24,203 --> 00:44:26,831
No "trick-or-treat."
1199
00:44:32,962 --> 00:44:35,465
You put one in.
1200
00:44:32,962 --> 00:44:35,465
"That's it? That's it?"
1201
00:44:35,465 --> 00:44:37,300
"Yeah, that's it!"
1202
00:44:41,346 --> 00:44:44,432
I look on the sidewalk,
1203
00:44:41,346 --> 00:44:44,432
the parents are there.
1204
00:44:52,440 --> 00:44:54,066
Both parents.
1205
00:44:52,440 --> 00:44:54,066
The mother and the father.
1206
00:44:54,066 --> 00:44:56,944
The father's got a wagon, drunk.
1207
00:45:04,452 --> 00:45:06,454
All right, a keg in the thing.
1208
00:45:06,454 --> 00:45:07,788
Telling his kid,
1209
00:45:06,454 --> 00:45:07,788
"Get in. Get in.
1210
00:45:07,788 --> 00:45:09,499
We're going
1211
00:45:07,788 --> 00:45:09,499
to the next house."
1212
00:45:14,671 --> 00:45:16,214
Halloween brings out
1213
00:45:14,671 --> 00:45:16,214
the neighbors, though.
1214
00:45:16,214 --> 00:45:18,675
Man, my neighbors come out.
1215
00:45:18,675 --> 00:45:20,552
I'm not neighborly.
1216
00:45:18,675 --> 00:45:20,552
That's not me.
1217
00:45:20,552 --> 00:45:22,220
I don't, you know...
1218
00:45:20,552 --> 00:45:22,220
I'm friendly,
1219
00:45:22,220 --> 00:45:24,389
but I'm not neighborly.
1220
00:45:22,220 --> 00:45:24,389
I don't come out of my house
1221
00:45:24,389 --> 00:45:27,724
and wave if I see the guy
1222
00:45:24,389 --> 00:45:27,724
across the street.
1223
00:45:27,724 --> 00:45:28,934
You know,
1224
00:45:27,724 --> 00:45:28,934
you see a lot of people,
1225
00:45:28,934 --> 00:45:30,727
"Hey! Hi, Frank!
1226
00:45:30,727 --> 00:45:32,063
How's it going?
1227
00:45:32,063 --> 00:45:34,815
The lawn looks good.
1228
00:45:32,063 --> 00:45:34,815
Looks good."
1229
00:45:36,484 --> 00:45:38,611
That ain't me.
1230
00:45:36,484 --> 00:45:38,611
I come out of my house,
1231
00:45:38,611 --> 00:45:40,905
head down,
1232
00:45:38,611 --> 00:45:40,905
hop in the car.
1233
00:45:42,323 --> 00:45:44,992
Gone. Gone!
1234
00:45:47,662 --> 00:45:49,205
This woman across the street,
1235
00:45:49,205 --> 00:45:51,957
God... always in our business.
1236
00:45:51,957 --> 00:45:55,086
I can't stand her.
1237
00:45:51,957 --> 00:45:55,086
Can't stand her.
1238
00:45:55,086 --> 00:45:56,921
She was coming over.
1239
00:45:55,086 --> 00:45:56,921
I saw her through the window.
1240
00:45:56,921 --> 00:45:58,339
I said, "Look at this.
1241
00:45:56,921 --> 00:45:58,339
Here she comes.
1242
00:45:58,339 --> 00:46:01,217
Here she comes."
1243
00:46:01,217 --> 00:46:03,010
She comes over, she's like,
1244
00:46:01,217 --> 00:46:03,010
"I noticed you're not part
1245
00:46:03,010 --> 00:46:04,970
of the teal pumpkin program."
1246
00:46:06,639 --> 00:46:08,099
I said, "What's that?"
1247
00:46:08,099 --> 00:46:10,142
"Well, you paint
1248
00:46:08,099 --> 00:46:10,142
a pumpkin teal green
1249
00:46:10,142 --> 00:46:12,353
and that signifies
1250
00:46:10,142 --> 00:46:12,353
that your home hands out
1251
00:46:12,353 --> 00:46:13,563
non-food items.
1252
00:46:13,563 --> 00:46:15,189
So we are handing out
1253
00:46:13,563 --> 00:46:15,189
spider rings,
1254
00:46:15,189 --> 00:46:17,191
necklaces, notepads."
1255
00:46:20,903 --> 00:46:24,282
I said, "Get the fuck
1256
00:46:20,903 --> 00:46:24,282
off my porch.
1257
00:46:24,282 --> 00:46:26,951
Go home.
1258
00:46:26,951 --> 00:46:28,827
Go."
1259
00:46:32,873 --> 00:46:35,876
This is Halloween, I got
1260
00:46:32,873 --> 00:46:35,876
Kit Kats and Snicker bars.
1261
00:46:36,919 --> 00:46:38,546
The city is handing out
1262
00:46:36,919 --> 00:46:38,546
notepads?
1263
00:46:38,546 --> 00:46:42,133
Could you imagine a poor kid
1264
00:46:38,546 --> 00:46:42,133
comes home with a notepad.
1265
00:46:42,133 --> 00:46:45,553
All of his buddies
1266
00:46:42,133 --> 00:46:45,553
are eating Reese's Pieces.
1267
00:46:45,553 --> 00:46:48,013
He's in the corner
1268
00:46:45,553 --> 00:46:48,013
taking note.
1269
00:46:57,231 --> 00:46:59,233
Even the way we do
1270
00:46:57,231 --> 00:46:59,233
vacations is different.
1271
00:46:59,233 --> 00:47:02,320
My wife loves activities
1272
00:46:59,233 --> 00:47:02,320
on vacation.
1273
00:47:02,320 --> 00:47:04,656
I don't like that.
1274
00:47:02,320 --> 00:47:04,656
I like to go--
1275
00:47:04,656 --> 00:47:05,948
My idea of vacation,
1276
00:47:05,948 --> 00:47:09,118
you eat, you drink,
1277
00:47:05,948 --> 00:47:09,118
you lay down.
1278
00:47:10,869 --> 00:47:12,871
Yeah, that's it.
1279
00:47:12,871 --> 00:47:14,915
[whistles]
1280
00:47:14,915 --> 00:47:17,627
I don't do tours.
1281
00:47:17,627 --> 00:47:21,046
You sign up for a tour
1282
00:47:17,627 --> 00:47:21,046
with the 16 strangers.
1283
00:47:22,715 --> 00:47:24,091
You see it around
1284
00:47:22,715 --> 00:47:24,091
New York City.
1285
00:47:24,091 --> 00:47:26,552
The Chinese
1286
00:47:24,091 --> 00:47:26,552
with the flags and...
1287
00:47:30,306 --> 00:47:33,976
"Follow the yellow flag
1288
00:47:30,306 --> 00:47:33,976
if you get lost."
1289
00:47:37,480 --> 00:47:39,315
They all got
1290
00:47:37,480 --> 00:47:39,315
their earmuffs on.
1291
00:47:39,315 --> 00:47:41,526
They're listening
1292
00:47:39,315 --> 00:47:41,526
to some recorded message.
1293
00:47:41,526 --> 00:47:43,695
"The Empire State Building
1294
00:47:41,526 --> 00:47:43,695
was built..."
1295
00:47:48,240 --> 00:47:50,827
I don't do that.
1296
00:47:48,240 --> 00:47:50,827
I don't do it.
1297
00:47:50,827 --> 00:47:54,121
So we planned the vacation.
1298
00:47:50,827 --> 00:47:54,121
We went to Turkey.
1299
00:47:54,121 --> 00:47:56,749
It was two years ago.
1300
00:47:54,121 --> 00:47:56,749
I recommend it.
1301
00:47:56,749 --> 00:47:58,167
Not now.
1302
00:48:01,045 --> 00:48:03,464
Even two years ago,
1303
00:48:01,045 --> 00:48:03,464
it was volatile.
1304
00:48:03,464 --> 00:48:06,342
We're watching the news,
1305
00:48:03,464 --> 00:48:06,342
a bomb went off
1306
00:48:06,342 --> 00:48:10,388
next to the hotel
1307
00:48:06,342 --> 00:48:10,388
that we were gonna stay at.
1308
00:48:10,388 --> 00:48:13,641
So we became concerned.
1309
00:48:10,388 --> 00:48:13,641
I called. I called Turkey.
1310
00:48:15,351 --> 00:48:16,769
I called the hotel.
1311
00:48:16,769 --> 00:48:19,689
I go, "Hi, uh, we're
1312
00:48:16,769 --> 00:48:19,689
a little concerned here.
1313
00:48:21,524 --> 00:48:23,860
Just saw that a bomb went off
1314
00:48:21,524 --> 00:48:23,860
next to the hotel."
1315
00:48:23,860 --> 00:48:25,695
And the guy's like,
1316
00:48:23,860 --> 00:48:25,695
"No, it...
1317
00:48:25,695 --> 00:48:28,489
Come on, it's to the side."
1318
00:48:28,489 --> 00:48:31,492
What?
1319
00:48:31,492 --> 00:48:33,786
"No, it... they don't come here.
1320
00:48:33,786 --> 00:48:36,622
We are eating tabbouleh,
1321
00:48:33,786 --> 00:48:36,622
and we are dancing
1322
00:48:36,622 --> 00:48:38,290
in the streets."
1323
00:48:38,290 --> 00:48:43,087
I go, "People are on fire
1324
00:48:38,290 --> 00:48:43,087
in front of your hotel.
1325
00:48:43,087 --> 00:48:45,715
Is it safe? Is it safe?"
1326
00:48:48,967 --> 00:48:50,386
So like idiots, we go.
1327
00:48:50,386 --> 00:48:53,097
"Oh, it'll be good.
1328
00:48:50,386 --> 00:48:53,097
It'll be good."
1329
00:48:53,097 --> 00:48:56,100
So my wife signs us up
1330
00:48:56,100 --> 00:48:57,894
for a Turkish bath.
1331
00:48:57,894 --> 00:49:01,731
I said, "Okay, that sounds...
1332
00:48:57,894 --> 00:49:01,731
How bad could a bath be?"
1333
00:49:01,731 --> 00:49:03,649
I said, "I'll go to that."
1334
00:49:04,525 --> 00:49:06,277
So we get there.
1335
00:49:06,277 --> 00:49:08,945
She goes to her side.
1336
00:49:06,277 --> 00:49:08,945
I go to my side.
1337
00:49:08,945 --> 00:49:11,657
I'm greeted
1338
00:49:08,945 --> 00:49:11,657
by a, uh, Turkish boy.
1339
00:49:11,657 --> 00:49:14,034
He's 14 years old.
1340
00:49:15,912 --> 00:49:17,705
He doesn't
1341
00:49:15,912 --> 00:49:17,705
speak English well, you know?
1342
00:49:17,705 --> 00:49:21,083
He comes up to me, he's like,
1343
00:49:17,705 --> 00:49:21,083
"Hello, my name is Hassan.
1344
00:49:21,083 --> 00:49:22,627
You-- you want to come?"
1345
00:49:22,627 --> 00:49:24,336
I go, "What?
1346
00:49:25,838 --> 00:49:27,715
I got the bath.
1347
00:49:27,715 --> 00:49:29,550
Where's the bath?"
1348
00:49:33,970 --> 00:49:36,474
So he takes me to,
1349
00:49:33,970 --> 00:49:36,474
like, a dressing room.
1350
00:49:36,474 --> 00:49:38,100
He gives me a towel.
1351
00:49:36,474 --> 00:49:38,100
It's not even a towel.
1352
00:49:38,100 --> 00:49:40,269
It's like a dish rag.
1353
00:49:42,313 --> 00:49:44,816
I like towels.
1354
00:49:42,313 --> 00:49:44,816
I like big towels.
1355
00:49:44,816 --> 00:49:47,526
A lot of excess
1356
00:49:44,816 --> 00:49:47,526
so I could tuck it.
1357
00:49:54,116 --> 00:49:56,911
It's like a dish rag.
1358
00:49:54,116 --> 00:49:56,911
I gotta hold it together.
1359
00:49:58,871 --> 00:50:01,081
So now I gotta come
1360
00:49:58,871 --> 00:50:01,081
into the waiting room.
1361
00:50:07,003 --> 00:50:10,382
I know my left nut's
1362
00:50:07,003 --> 00:50:10,382
hanging out for sure.
1363
00:50:16,221 --> 00:50:18,056
I see my boy.
1364
00:50:21,602 --> 00:50:23,980
He's got a towel on.
1365
00:50:28,275 --> 00:50:30,695
Now I'm like,
1366
00:50:28,275 --> 00:50:30,695
"Why are your nuts out and mine?
1367
00:50:30,695 --> 00:50:33,698
What is happening here?"
1368
00:50:34,699 --> 00:50:35,908
I'm trying to figure out,
1369
00:50:35,908 --> 00:50:37,910
did my wife check
1370
00:50:35,908 --> 00:50:37,910
the wrong box?
1371
00:50:37,910 --> 00:50:40,746
What's...?
1372
00:50:40,746 --> 00:50:42,623
Where's the tub?
1373
00:50:45,835 --> 00:50:49,129
Now he takes me, he goes,
1374
00:50:45,835 --> 00:50:49,129
"I'm going to wash."
1375
00:50:49,129 --> 00:50:52,257
I go, "Me? I..."
1376
00:50:52,257 --> 00:50:53,801
He goes, "Yes, I wash."
1377
00:50:53,801 --> 00:50:57,763
I go, "I thought this was,
1378
00:50:53,801 --> 00:50:57,763
like, a tub where you..."
1379
00:50:59,223 --> 00:51:00,933
And he takes me into a room.
1380
00:51:00,933 --> 00:51:03,477
It's a communal room
1381
00:51:00,933 --> 00:51:03,477
with men everywhere,
1382
00:51:03,477 --> 00:51:05,813
naked with suds,
1383
00:51:05,813 --> 00:51:09,984
and little boys
1384
00:51:05,813 --> 00:51:09,984
just scrubbing with mitts.
1385
00:51:09,984 --> 00:51:12,778
I go, "God, is this
1386
00:51:09,984 --> 00:51:12,778
on my plan?"
1387
00:51:14,279 --> 00:51:15,865
What?
1388
00:51:20,118 --> 00:51:23,288
He takes me to the side,
1389
00:51:20,118 --> 00:51:23,288
he sits me on a tuffet.
1390
00:51:27,459 --> 00:51:28,878
He's looking right at me,
1391
00:51:28,878 --> 00:51:31,213
and he's got
1392
00:51:28,878 --> 00:51:31,213
a little pail of water.
1393
00:51:31,213 --> 00:51:33,925
And he starts chucking it
1394
00:51:31,213 --> 00:51:33,925
at my face, just--
1395
00:51:39,055 --> 00:51:40,973
I felt like I was
1396
00:51:39,055 --> 00:51:40,973
getting waterboarded.
1397
00:51:40,973 --> 00:51:43,935
I was ready to tell this kid
1398
00:51:40,973 --> 00:51:43,935
my deepest secrets.
1399
00:51:45,269 --> 00:51:47,813
Just, "Don't, don't, don't."
1400
00:51:50,482 --> 00:51:52,359
Then he takes me to a room.
1401
00:51:52,359 --> 00:51:54,904
Small. I go, "Oh, God,
1402
00:51:52,359 --> 00:51:54,904
what's this all about?"
1403
00:51:54,904 --> 00:51:56,530
It's a massage table.
1404
00:51:56,530 --> 00:51:59,575
He lays me down.
1405
00:51:56,530 --> 00:51:59,575
Puts my head in the donut.
1406
00:51:59,575 --> 00:52:00,993
Starts working my shoulders.
1407
00:52:00,993 --> 00:52:04,413
Now, I'm sitting there,
1408
00:52:00,993 --> 00:52:04,413
I'm looking at his feet.
1409
00:52:04,413 --> 00:52:07,123
And after two minutes,
1410
00:52:04,413 --> 00:52:07,123
the feet disappear.
1411
00:52:07,123 --> 00:52:08,751
I'm like, "What the...?"
1412
00:52:08,751 --> 00:52:11,253
The guy hopped up on the bed.
1413
00:52:23,348 --> 00:52:26,142
His testicles were on my neck.
1414
00:52:37,362 --> 00:52:40,741
Now he takes me
1415
00:52:37,362 --> 00:52:40,741
back to the locker room.
1416
00:52:40,741 --> 00:52:44,120
Everybody in there,
1417
00:52:40,741 --> 00:52:44,120
every man in there is ashamed.
1418
00:52:46,872 --> 00:52:48,874
Everybody's just dressing
1419
00:52:46,872 --> 00:52:48,874
themselves.
1420
00:52:48,874 --> 00:52:51,543
Nobody's making eye contact.
1421
00:53:04,682 --> 00:53:05,975
So I come out. I see my wife.
1422
00:53:05,975 --> 00:53:08,894
She's beautiful.
1423
00:53:05,975 --> 00:53:08,894
God, she's glowing.
1424
00:53:08,894 --> 00:53:10,312
Smile. She's like, "God,
1425
00:53:10,312 --> 00:53:12,564
that was so amazing.
1426
00:53:14,483 --> 00:53:17,319
It's one of the best
1427
00:53:14,483 --> 00:53:17,319
experiences of my life.
1428
00:53:18,737 --> 00:53:21,239
How was yours?"
1429
00:53:21,239 --> 00:53:24,785
I go, "I was just raped
1430
00:53:21,239 --> 00:53:24,785
by a 14-year-old monkey.
1431
00:53:29,540 --> 00:53:32,918
I wanna go home.
1432
00:53:29,540 --> 00:53:32,918
I wanna go home."
1433
00:53:40,342 --> 00:53:42,678
But I love this.
1434
00:53:40,342 --> 00:53:42,678
I love doing this.
1435
00:53:42,678 --> 00:53:46,222
It's taken me a lot
1436
00:53:42,678 --> 00:53:46,222
of different places.
1437
00:53:46,222 --> 00:53:48,684
I performed in Italy recently.
1438
00:53:48,684 --> 00:53:49,810
-It was a-- It was a--
1439
00:53:48,684 --> 00:53:49,810
-[audience cheers]
1440
00:53:49,810 --> 00:53:51,311
Yeah, beautiful.
1441
00:53:52,938 --> 00:53:54,065
And I took my wife,
1442
00:53:54,065 --> 00:53:55,482
and we went,
1443
00:53:54,065 --> 00:53:55,482
it was in Tuscany.
1444
00:53:55,482 --> 00:53:58,360
Now, we check in
1445
00:53:55,482 --> 00:53:58,360
to our hotel room.
1446
00:53:58,360 --> 00:54:01,197
We go to the pool, start
1447
00:53:58,360 --> 00:54:01,197
looking around the pool.
1448
00:54:01,197 --> 00:54:03,281
See a beautiful couple
1449
00:54:01,197 --> 00:54:03,281
come down.
1450
00:54:03,281 --> 00:54:05,034
Beautiful couple
1451
00:54:03,281 --> 00:54:05,034
just on their honeymoon.
1452
00:54:05,034 --> 00:54:06,911
You could tell
1453
00:54:05,034 --> 00:54:06,911
they had recently married.
1454
00:54:06,911 --> 00:54:08,079
Stunning.
1455
00:54:08,079 --> 00:54:09,955
The woman
1456
00:54:08,079 --> 00:54:09,955
was well put together.
1457
00:54:09,955 --> 00:54:13,209
Had a nice sun hat on.
1458
00:54:09,955 --> 00:54:13,209
Big brim, nice wedge.
1459
00:54:16,962 --> 00:54:18,463
Ladies, get yourself
1460
00:54:16,962 --> 00:54:18,463
a nice wedge
1461
00:54:18,463 --> 00:54:20,883
for the pool deck.
1462
00:54:20,883 --> 00:54:22,467
Had a nice
1463
00:54:20,883 --> 00:54:22,467
see through sash.
1464
00:54:22,467 --> 00:54:25,470
Beautiful.
1465
00:54:22,467 --> 00:54:25,470
Just blew in the wind.
1466
00:54:26,889 --> 00:54:29,225
Guy had a nice
1467
00:54:26,889 --> 00:54:29,225
swim trunk on.
1468
00:54:29,225 --> 00:54:30,976
Right here. Mid-thigh.
1469
00:54:29,225 --> 00:54:30,976
Guys, get yourself
1470
00:54:30,976 --> 00:54:33,478
a nice trunk
1471
00:54:30,976 --> 00:54:33,478
for the season.
1472
00:54:33,478 --> 00:54:37,233
You seen some of these men,
1473
00:54:33,478 --> 00:54:37,233
they wear this, uh, swim suit
1474
00:54:37,233 --> 00:54:41,070
down to the--
1475
00:54:37,233 --> 00:54:41,070
What are you wearing? Slacks?
1476
00:54:41,070 --> 00:54:42,738
They get out of the pool,
1477
00:54:41,070 --> 00:54:42,738
half of the pool's
1478
00:54:42,738 --> 00:54:45,032
caught in their legs.
1479
00:54:51,122 --> 00:54:52,372
So they get into the pool.
1480
00:54:52,372 --> 00:54:53,582
They start to swim as a couple.
1481
00:54:53,582 --> 00:54:55,876
I've never seen
1482
00:54:53,582 --> 00:54:55,876
anything like it.
1483
00:54:55,876 --> 00:54:57,377
She's doing the breaststroke.
1484
00:54:57,377 --> 00:54:58,712
Just...
1485
00:55:01,381 --> 00:55:03,383
The guy's doing the butterfly.
1486
00:55:11,391 --> 00:55:13,144
You know how confident
1487
00:55:11,391 --> 00:55:13,144
you have to be
1488
00:55:13,144 --> 00:55:15,813
to pull off the butterfly?
1489
00:55:15,813 --> 00:55:18,523
I've never seen the butterfly
1490
00:55:15,813 --> 00:55:18,523
outside the Olympics.
1491
00:55:18,523 --> 00:55:22,903
This guy is doing
1492
00:55:18,523 --> 00:55:22,903
a recreational butterfly
1493
00:55:22,903 --> 00:55:24,947
on his honeymoon.
1494
00:55:24,947 --> 00:55:26,740
You know how violent that is?
1495
00:55:26,740 --> 00:55:29,785
The entire pool
1496
00:55:26,740 --> 00:55:29,785
looks like a Jacuzzi.
1497
00:55:30,869 --> 00:55:32,579
Kids are drowned.
1498
00:55:41,463 --> 00:55:42,965
Then I'm looking at these kids.
1499
00:55:42,965 --> 00:55:45,383
I don't even know what
1500
00:55:42,965 --> 00:55:45,383
they're wearing, these kids.
1501
00:55:45,383 --> 00:55:48,470
They're covered from head
1502
00:55:45,383 --> 00:55:48,470
to toe, eight-year-old kid.
1503
00:55:48,470 --> 00:55:50,722
He's got long sleeves on.
1504
00:55:48,470 --> 00:55:50,722
He's got a hat
1505
00:55:50,722 --> 00:55:53,725
with flaps over his ears.
1506
00:55:53,725 --> 00:55:57,688
SPF 30,000. What the hell?
1507
00:55:57,688 --> 00:55:59,564
The kid looks like a mime.
1508
00:56:06,864 --> 00:56:09,283
He's got every apparatus on
1509
00:56:06,864 --> 00:56:09,283
known to man,
1510
00:56:09,283 --> 00:56:12,494
a breathing tube,
1511
00:56:09,283 --> 00:56:12,494
goggles, flippers.
1512
00:56:12,494 --> 00:56:14,830
What are you looking for?
1513
00:56:14,830 --> 00:56:17,333
It's a pool.
1514
00:56:14,830 --> 00:56:17,333
There's no coral.
1515
00:56:18,583 --> 00:56:20,752
I had none of this growing up.
1516
00:56:20,752 --> 00:56:23,588
I asked my father, "Dad, I wanna
1517
00:56:20,752 --> 00:56:23,588
look underneath the water."
1518
00:56:23,588 --> 00:56:26,424
"Open up your eyes!"
1519
00:56:33,515 --> 00:56:36,018
By the end of the vacation,
1520
00:56:33,515 --> 00:56:36,018
I was blind,
1521
00:56:36,018 --> 00:56:37,269
I couldn't see shit.
1522
00:56:47,363 --> 00:56:49,447
So they stopped swimming.
1523
00:56:49,447 --> 00:56:51,242
The guy's out of breath.
1524
00:56:51,242 --> 00:56:52,701
I'm looking at him,
1525
00:56:51,242 --> 00:56:52,701
he got long hair.
1526
00:56:52,701 --> 00:56:54,203
The type of hair
1527
00:56:52,701 --> 00:56:54,203
you gotta dip in the pool,
1528
00:56:54,203 --> 00:56:55,453
then flip back.
1529
00:56:55,453 --> 00:56:57,122
Oh, God, soon as I saw that,
1530
00:56:57,122 --> 00:56:58,665
I pat my wife, I go,
1531
00:56:57,122 --> 00:56:58,665
"We gotta meet this guy.
1532
00:56:58,665 --> 00:57:01,459
This guy's sensational."
1533
00:57:03,795 --> 00:57:05,547
But I don't know if you
1534
00:57:03,795 --> 00:57:05,547
ever talked to somebody
1535
00:57:05,547 --> 00:57:07,632
so magnificent before
1536
00:57:07,632 --> 00:57:08,926
that you have nothing to share.
1537
00:57:08,926 --> 00:57:10,761
I had nothing to tell this guy.
1538
00:57:10,761 --> 00:57:13,264
This guy had
1539
00:57:10,761 --> 00:57:13,264
multiple careers at 16.
1540
00:57:13,264 --> 00:57:14,848
He played in the French Open.
1541
00:57:14,848 --> 00:57:17,935
At 32, he had a big law firm.
1542
00:57:17,935 --> 00:57:19,561
Now he's running
1543
00:57:17,935 --> 00:57:19,561
a big hedge fund.
1544
00:57:19,561 --> 00:57:22,356
Then he tells us,
1545
00:57:19,561 --> 00:57:22,356
"We summer in Capri.
1546
00:57:22,356 --> 00:57:25,150
Where do you summer?"
1547
00:57:25,150 --> 00:57:26,902
"Our backyard."
1548
00:57:25,150 --> 00:57:26,902
I don't know what the hell
1549
00:57:26,902 --> 00:57:29,446
you're talking about.
1550
00:57:29,446 --> 00:57:32,490
We take a week off a year.
1551
00:57:29,446 --> 00:57:32,490
You got the summers?
1552
00:57:34,576 --> 00:57:36,245
[woman yells]
1553
00:57:36,245 --> 00:57:37,913
What's that?
1554
00:57:44,711 --> 00:57:46,338
This is not the title
1555
00:57:44,711 --> 00:57:46,338
of this one,
1556
00:57:46,338 --> 00:57:48,506
but aren't you embarrassed?
1557
00:57:48,506 --> 00:57:51,218
[audience cheers]
1558
00:58:02,354 --> 00:58:04,106
While we were there,
1559
00:58:02,354 --> 00:58:04,106
we found out
1560
00:58:04,106 --> 00:58:07,692
that Andrea Bocelli
1561
00:58:04,106 --> 00:58:07,692
was performing in Tuscany.
1562
00:58:07,692 --> 00:58:08,819
Anybody know who this is?
1563
00:58:08,819 --> 00:58:10,862
Okay.
1564
00:58:10,862 --> 00:58:12,781
So we got the tickets.
1565
00:58:12,781 --> 00:58:15,867
We got soaked
1566
00:58:12,781 --> 00:58:15,867
on the tickets, okay?
1567
00:58:15,867 --> 00:58:17,661
Let me tell you something
1568
00:58:15,867 --> 00:58:17,661
about tickets
1569
00:58:17,661 --> 00:58:18,870
'cause I've been
1570
00:58:17,661 --> 00:58:18,870
getting a lot,
1571
00:58:18,870 --> 00:58:20,538
especially from
1572
00:58:18,870 --> 00:58:20,538
the New York show.
1573
00:58:20,538 --> 00:58:23,250
"This is ridiculous.
1574
00:58:23,250 --> 00:58:25,419
They're $700 a ticket."
1575
00:58:25,419 --> 00:58:27,754
I don't have any control
1576
00:58:27,754 --> 00:58:32,343
on the fucking
1577
00:58:27,754 --> 00:58:32,343
ticket price.
1578
00:58:32,343 --> 00:58:35,262
Okay? I put them on sale,
1579
00:58:32,343 --> 00:58:35,262
they gobble them up.
1580
00:58:35,262 --> 00:58:36,430
And people sell them.
1581
00:58:36,430 --> 00:58:38,307
That's why they're
1582
00:58:36,430 --> 00:58:38,307
so damn much.
1583
00:58:38,307 --> 00:58:39,475
You think I would do that?
1584
00:58:39,475 --> 00:58:41,810
I don't do that.
1585
00:58:43,728 --> 00:58:45,022
So I got it on the other end.
1586
00:58:45,022 --> 00:58:46,606
I got the Bocelli tickets.
1587
00:58:46,606 --> 00:58:51,111
When I heard the price,
1588
00:58:46,606 --> 00:58:51,111
inside my body was a shock,
1589
00:58:51,111 --> 00:58:53,197
but I had to act
1590
00:58:51,111 --> 00:58:53,197
like it was nothing.
1591
00:58:53,197 --> 00:58:54,365
You ever get, you know, like,
1592
00:58:54,365 --> 00:58:56,074
"Yeah, no, that's all right."
1593
00:58:56,074 --> 00:58:57,742
And then I gotta tell my wife,
1594
00:58:56,074 --> 00:58:57,742
"Don't eat for three days."
1595
00:58:57,742 --> 00:58:59,411
Here you go.
1596
00:59:03,332 --> 00:59:05,209
So we go.
1597
00:59:06,460 --> 00:59:07,711
It's beautiful.
1598
00:59:07,711 --> 00:59:09,880
I couldn't-- I mean,
1599
00:59:07,711 --> 00:59:09,880
it was outside.
1600
00:59:09,880 --> 00:59:12,966
8,000 people
1601
00:59:09,880 --> 00:59:12,966
in the middle of Tuscany.
1602
00:59:12,966 --> 00:59:14,843
Rolling hills all around us.
1603
00:59:14,843 --> 00:59:17,971
We sit down, the guy comes out,
1604
00:59:17,971 --> 00:59:21,558
gives us two hours,
1605
00:59:17,971 --> 00:59:21,558
singing his life out.
1606
00:59:21,558 --> 00:59:23,018
Ends the concert.
1607
00:59:23,018 --> 00:59:25,770
Me and my wife start to leave.
1608
00:59:25,770 --> 00:59:28,065
We walk down a gravel road.
1609
00:59:28,065 --> 00:59:30,734
We're holding hands.
1610
00:59:28,065 --> 00:59:30,734
Everybody's exiting
1611
00:59:30,734 --> 00:59:32,110
just talking about the show.
1612
00:59:32,110 --> 00:59:34,196
That's what you do.
1613
00:59:32,110 --> 00:59:34,196
You go see a show,
1614
00:59:34,196 --> 00:59:37,115
and you talk about it
1615
00:59:34,196 --> 00:59:37,115
on the way out.
1616
00:59:37,115 --> 00:59:38,534
You're gonna do it tonight.
1617
00:59:37,115 --> 00:59:38,534
You're gonna go,
1618
00:59:38,534 --> 00:59:40,952
"Oh, he was all right.
1619
00:59:38,534 --> 00:59:40,952
He was all right.
1620
00:59:40,952 --> 00:59:43,914
You wanna get
1621
00:59:40,952 --> 00:59:43,914
some ice cream or something?"
1622
00:59:46,124 --> 00:59:48,710
So me and my wife,
1623
00:59:48,710 --> 00:59:51,255
holding hands, walking down
1624
00:59:48,710 --> 00:59:51,255
the gravel road.
1625
00:59:51,255 --> 00:59:53,882
Now coming towards us
1626
00:59:51,255 --> 00:59:53,882
is a guy telling people
1627
00:59:53,882 --> 00:59:56,093
to get the hell
1628
00:59:53,882 --> 00:59:56,093
out of the way.
1629
00:59:56,093 --> 01:00:00,889
Behind them is Bocelli
1630
00:59:56,093 --> 01:00:00,889
on a white horse.
1631
01:00:08,188 --> 01:00:10,774
The guy's blind.
1632
01:00:13,777 --> 01:00:16,738
There's no safety code.
1633
01:00:16,738 --> 01:00:19,116
No city ordinance in Italy.
1634
01:00:19,116 --> 01:00:23,954
The guy's blind, riding a horse
1635
01:00:23,954 --> 01:00:28,166
through 8,000 people.
1636
01:00:23,954 --> 01:00:28,166
Nobody said shit.
1637
01:00:29,626 --> 01:00:32,546
Could you imagine tonight
1638
01:00:29,626 --> 01:00:32,546
if I had a white stallion
1639
01:00:32,546 --> 01:00:35,799
out front
1640
01:00:32,546 --> 01:00:35,799
and took it down Broadway?
1641
01:00:38,093 --> 01:00:39,844
I'd get pulled over
1642
01:00:38,093 --> 01:00:39,844
at the light.
1643
01:00:39,844 --> 01:00:42,973
"What the fuck
1644
01:00:39,844 --> 01:00:42,973
are you doing?"
1645
01:00:42,973 --> 01:00:46,351
"Nah, I saw Bocelli
1646
01:00:42,973 --> 01:00:46,351
do it in Tuscany."
1647
01:00:46,351 --> 01:00:49,813
God bless you.
1648
01:00:46,351 --> 01:00:49,813
You guys have been great.
1649
01:00:49,813 --> 01:00:51,565
Thanks for coming out.
1650
01:00:53,525 --> 01:00:55,986
I had a blast.
1651
01:00:55,986 --> 01:00:58,614
A blast.
1652
01:00:55,986 --> 01:00:58,614
Thank you so much.
1653
01:01:00,365 --> 01:01:03,368
So nice. So nice.
1654
01:01:03,368 --> 01:01:04,495
Love it.
1655
01:01:04,495 --> 01:01:08,081
[electronic music playing]
93213
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