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This programme contains adult humour
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Welcome to St Saviour's on this
rather cold Sunday morning.
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It's nice to see so many faces
here today who are so familiar.
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The Lord be with you.
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And also with you.
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Almighty God, to whom all hearts
are open, all desires known,
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and from whom no secrets are hidden,
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cleanse the thoughts
of our hearts by the inspiration
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of your Holy Spirit,
that we may perfectly love you
and worthily magnify your Holy Name.
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Through Jesus Christ our Lord.
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Amen.
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Amen.
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I thought the sermon was
electrifying today, Adam.
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It gave me shivers.
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Thank you, Adoha.
It's hard to be rousing
when there's only five of you.
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Can I have a word with you, Adam?
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Hello, Archdeacon, how nice to
see you. I wasn't expecting you.
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I'm a bit worried about you,
Adam, is everything OK?
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Yes, yes, yes. Where is...
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everyone?
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Where's your congregation?
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Oh, I see. Er, well, Colin and
Adoha are over there, and....
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Good morning, Archdeacon Robert.
Yes, where is everyone today, Nigel?
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Oh, yes, it's an upsettingly
small turnout today.
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Is there a Tube strike on? No.
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Alex is at the police station?
Oh, yeah. Well, that's one.
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Yes. Er, Olanna has gone to
the Primark sale.
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Steve Warwick's taken his daughters
to gymnastics, Mike Swan has a
cheese stall at the Farmers' Market.
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Margaret's gone
to visit her mother...
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Nigel, I don't need the individual
GPS location of every single
member of your congregation.
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Unfortunately, Archdeacon,
the reality is sometimes
people just...don't come.
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You're late paying
your Parish share again.
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There's another cheque on the way.
Is there? What was your congregation
plate this morning? Mm, £60.
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You mean 20.
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No, no, it was much more
than that, it was, er...40?
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It was £24.07.
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I saw you putting in 20 yourself.
It's not against the rules, is it?
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Well, there's a general feeling that
you're letting the side down a bit.
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Not my words of course,
words of the Area Dean.
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You know how the wealthy parishes
grumble when their money
subsidises empty churches.
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This isn't an empty church,
the congregation will
be back up next week.
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Will it? I'll be back to see if
you're right. Care for some instant?
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No, I can't linger,
I've got tickets for Chelsea-Man U.
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Oh, there you are.
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Double your collection plate. Oh.
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What's Rowan talking about now?
Is it interesting?
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He's talking about
his childhood in Swansea.
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You've been reading that
for three months.
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Well, you know it's not
a quick read, it isn't easy read.
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How about you put Rowan down
and hold me instead?
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Do you think I should do
a leaflet drop? What?
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I've got to increase
my congregation numbers.
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Sorry, I can't help it,
I've got to get my numbers up.
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You know sometimes weeks
go by without us having sex.
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No, they don't. Yes, because
one or other of us is always
too tired, or distracted by work.
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We need to rekindle things, darling.
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I want some excitement.
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I want to be seduced.
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Now? No, not now.
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But soon. (Yeah.)
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Would you like me
to dress up as a vicar?
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Dear Lord, if you don't mind me
bringing this up, could you
give me more energy in bed?
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I'm so exhausted all the time
and it's not fair on Alex,
she deserves to be happy.
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Please help me find more time
and energy for her, and it,
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and please help me
get my numbers up.
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Why do you make finance such
a constant daily issue for us?
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Shouldn't I be spreading your word
and building the Kingdom rather
than worrying about money?
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I gather wine's a good investment at
the moment and property in Bulgaria,
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and I hope you don't find the size
of my flock insultingly small.
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If you've got any ideas on
how to fill this place,
I'd love to hear them.
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Hello, can I help you?
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Hi, yes, you must be Adam?
Er yes, er, I'm, I'm Adam.
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I'm Darren.
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I love your church, Adam.
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It's awesome.
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Thank you.
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00:05:19,080 --> 00:05:21,800
Adam, we've got renovations
going on
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at St. James's for
the next few weeks.
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I'm looking for somewhere to bring
my congregation next Sunday.
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Oh, you're a priest are you?
Yes, yes, I'm Darren, I'm the
vicar at St James's in Fulham.
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Ha. Well, my lot would
absolutely love this place.
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Awesome organ. Thanks, it's broken.
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So how large is your
congregation, Darren?
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Three or four...
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hundred. Three or four hundred?
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Yeah. Do you have space
for us all for a Sunday?
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Um, er, probably, er, perhaps.
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Yes, how would you describe your
worship at St James's, Darren?
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Mm, we mostly use the International
Bible. Ah. But, er, we don't have to.
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You're Charismatics, then? No...
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00:06:02,960 --> 00:06:07,800
I'd say we are Evangelical -
but in a kind of
chilled, friendly way, you know?
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We love God but we're not out
to convert people. Right.
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Cos I do have a problem with the
way that the Charismatics sometimes
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seem to let their emotions
supplant theology. Yeah, me too.
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Look why don't I come down here on
Sunday and give a little service?
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If you like us we can hook up
more often and if you don't,
absolutely not a problem.
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They really are a very,
very cool bunch.
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Do you think your
whole bunch would come? Absolutely.
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Well all right, Darren. Let's
try it once and see how it goes.
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Awesome.
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Of course I have fantasies.
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What are they then? They're just,
you know, male fantasies.
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They're all about you. Ha!
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Yes, course they are, then that
doesn't make them fantasies,
does it, because I'm here?
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What, what's yours, tell me yours?
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You know mine. Do I?
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00:07:04,280 --> 00:07:06,040
Tell me again.
108
00:07:07,560 --> 00:07:12,000
Sex in a lift, in public somewhere,
being naughty when there
are strangers around,
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dressing as a stripper,
as a prostitute and being
picked up by someone famous,
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00:07:16,120 --> 00:07:20,520
being serviced by two faceless men
who are only interesting in
satisfying me,
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00:07:20,520 --> 00:07:24,600
being dominated,
being tied up and captured
by a man I'm sexually attracted to
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who treats me very nicely while
pleasuring me, and then instantly
falls in love with me in a lift.
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If only we had a lift.
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But they're just fantasies,
they're not meant to happen.
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Well, maybe some of them.
Perhaps the stripper.
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Or being naughty in public.
It's a bit tricky with my job.
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No, it isn't. No, I'll show you.
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I love you.
Thank you for cooking and
cancelling the homeless meal for me.
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I love you too.
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BUZZER
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Ignore it, please.
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BANGING ON DOOR
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BUZZER
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It'll just be Colin.
It might not be.
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Mick, I'm not giving you any more
money, so can you please go away?
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00:08:17,920 --> 00:08:21,280
Nah, see what it is, yeah, see what
it is, yeah, I'm working now.
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00:08:24,440 --> 00:08:28,320
Want your windows done?
It's nine o'clock at night. Is it?
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Ah, no problem, I work nights anyway.
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I'm going to watch telly.
Bye, Mrs Vicar.
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Come back tomorrow instead Mick,
and I'll give you a sandwich.
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It's cool, it's cool, I'll do 'em
now since I'm here. No, thank you.
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That's all right,
don't mention it, vicar.
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Hello, vicarage. Hello, Colin.
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00:08:59,240 --> 00:09:00,760
Watch out for that johnny.
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00:09:00,760 --> 00:09:04,160
Goths have been shagging
in the churchyard again.
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00:09:04,160 --> 00:09:06,560
Disgusting.
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00:09:06,640 --> 00:09:10,360
Some people are turned on by
the strangest stuff, aren't they?
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Mm. I've never had sex
al fresco in fact.
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Maybe I should.
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It's all right for you,
you've got Alex.
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Been feeling a bit lonely myself.
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Sorry to hear that, Colin.
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Haven't had sex in years.
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I don't appeal to women any more,
that's the problem, I know that.
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I'm sure that's not the case.
Yes, it is.
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Nobody loves me.
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Don't be silly, Colin. We love you.
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Yeah but you're not going to
shag me though, are you?
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I just sometimes have this terrible
need to get me balls wet.
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Is that bad, Adam?
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00:09:46,320 --> 00:09:48,480
Would God be cross? No, no, no.
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There are different kinds
of love, aren't there?
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God's love is far more profound
than physical love.
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It's powerful, ceaseless, ineffable.
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But sometimes you just want
to stick it in, don't you?
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00:10:19,560 --> 00:10:21,640
Hi. Morning.
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00:10:21,640 --> 00:10:25,520
Darren. Hey, Adam.
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Pretty awesome, huh?
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I didn't know you doing all this.
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00:10:28,560 --> 00:10:35,120
It's great isn't it? I always like to
joke that, the more God loves you,
the better your PA system.
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I haven't got a faculty permission
for any of this.
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Don't panic, keep your cassock on.
We will have it put back to
the cold barn it was before.
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Jesus is awesome, isn't he?
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This all looks good, Adam.
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00:10:50,160 --> 00:10:52,280
A bit friendlier,
was this your idea?
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No, let me introduce you to Darren,
our visiting preacher. Darren,
this is my wife, Alex.
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Hiya. Hi, are people allowed
to watch telly during the
service today, Darren?
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00:11:02,560 --> 00:11:07,360
Did you do the flowers?
So sorry we had to move them all out.
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No, because A, I never do
the flowers and B, I was at work.
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00:11:11,280 --> 00:11:14,600
Alex is a solicitor.
She does a lot of Legal Aid work.
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00:11:14,600 --> 00:11:17,040
Wow, good for you,
not just a vicar's wife.
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00:11:18,560 --> 00:11:21,560
People are going to be arriving
in about 30 mins.
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00:11:21,560 --> 00:11:24,400
Let's go help set up
that smoothie bar.
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00:11:26,320 --> 00:11:30,200
What a knob end.
It's fine, it's just one Sunday.
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00:11:30,200 --> 00:11:31,760
But he is very good looking.
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Adam, do come and meet Pip
who runs our smoothie bar.
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Pip, this is Adam whose
church we're taking over.
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00:11:59,760 --> 00:12:02,160
What would you like, vicar?
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00:12:02,160 --> 00:12:05,960
Um, what's in
a Creamy Tropical Jesus Splash?
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00:12:05,960 --> 00:12:08,120
Orange, strawberry and pineapple.
181
00:12:08,120 --> 00:12:11,680
Or, may I recommend
the Merry Berry Jesus Explosion?
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00:12:11,680 --> 00:12:14,600
OK, no, I'll have the Splash,
not the Explosion.
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00:12:16,080 --> 00:12:17,520
What's going on here, Adam?
184
00:12:17,520 --> 00:12:20,000
Hello, Adoha,
do you fancy a fruit smoothie?
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00:12:20,000 --> 00:12:22,480
Don't you want me
to do coffees as usual?
186
00:12:22,480 --> 00:12:26,440
Er, not today, Adoha. Next week.
it's smoothies today, just for once.
187
00:12:26,440 --> 00:12:28,560
This is wrong, Adam.
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00:12:28,560 --> 00:12:34,040
You know coffee should be served in
church, not this girl's fruits,
and where are my flowers?
189
00:12:38,720 --> 00:12:42,640
Hello, everyone, hello.
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00:12:42,640 --> 00:12:46,200
As, as the vicar of St Saviours,
I just wanted to welcome you all
here
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00:12:46,200 --> 00:12:51,400
today and what a lot of you there
are, it's a, it's a wonderful sight.
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00:12:51,400 --> 00:12:55,720
I'm delighted that...
Hello, guys, so good to see you all.
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00:12:55,720 --> 00:12:59,640
And how cool is it to be here
in this awesome church?
194
00:13:03,160 --> 00:13:08,800
And it is also great, Jesus,
to have you here with us today.
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00:13:08,800 --> 00:13:12,080
We're going to need some monster
donations from you guys today
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00:13:12,080 --> 00:13:14,080
if we're to reach
our expansion targets,
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00:13:14,080 --> 00:13:18,880
so don't forget to fill out
one of our standing order forms,
or maybe a direct debit.
198
00:13:18,880 --> 00:13:23,560
It's all very, very straightforward.
Of course we do now accept all major
credit and debit cards.
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00:13:23,560 --> 00:13:28,880
Now I want to
talk about the adulteress
in John's Gospel, chapter eight.
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00:13:28,880 --> 00:13:32,240
Only last week I met a woman
who'd given in to temptation,
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00:13:32,240 --> 00:13:37,160
a drug addict off her face
on whizz, selling herself
in order to fund her addiction...
202
00:13:37,160 --> 00:13:39,880
This is great, isn't it?
Give me some of that, Colin.
203
00:13:39,880 --> 00:13:43,120
..the healing power of Jesus's love,
she no longer does that.
204
00:13:43,120 --> 00:13:48,280
You see we all have to fight against
temptations in life, don't we?
Yeah, and I want to talk... Hiya.
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00:13:48,280 --> 00:13:51,960
..about her journey to salvation.
But before we do that,
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00:13:51,960 --> 00:13:53,640
shall we get Ikon up here?
207
00:13:58,360 --> 00:14:00,440
Right on your feet.
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00:14:15,880 --> 00:14:17,920
# I felt my life was like
a heavy sinner's
209
00:14:17,920 --> 00:14:20,920
# That was until I came to you
for repentance
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00:14:20,920 --> 00:14:23,440
# Look at the size of my love
Yeah
211
00:14:23,440 --> 00:14:26,120
# That's all for you above
# Oh, oh,
212
00:14:26,120 --> 00:14:27,920
# I didn't like my behaviour
213
00:14:27,920 --> 00:14:30,320
# I should have known that
Christ was the Saviour
214
00:14:30,320 --> 00:14:32,240
# I surrender to you
You're the one
215
00:14:32,240 --> 00:14:34,560
# I'll give it up for you
and you son
216
00:14:34,560 --> 00:14:37,080
# Send me your love
Put my sins in remission
217
00:14:37,080 --> 00:14:38,960
# I believe in you, Lord
You're not superstition
218
00:14:38,960 --> 00:14:41,320
# Let me feel the power of your love
Bring it
219
00:14:41,320 --> 00:14:43,920
# Like it was a shower from above
Sing it
220
00:14:43,920 --> 00:14:45,880
# Sing it
Sing it
221
00:14:45,880 --> 00:14:50,280
# Love me, take me, Jesus
Make me feel brand new
222
00:14:50,280 --> 00:14:56,080
# Love me, take me, Jesus
Our resurrected Jew
223
00:14:56,080 --> 00:15:00,920
# Love me, take me, Jesus
Make me feel brand new
224
00:15:00,920 --> 00:15:04,840
# Love me, take me, Jesus
Our resurrected Jew
225
00:15:04,840 --> 00:15:06,560
# Love me, take me, Jesus. #
226
00:15:06,560 --> 00:15:09,360
Yeah. All right!
227
00:15:14,360 --> 00:15:19,040
Anyway she said, "I didn't know
that, I thought it was
the relief postman."
228
00:15:19,040 --> 00:15:22,000
Killer that, innit, eh?
229
00:15:25,360 --> 00:15:29,760
Oh, hi, Darren, thank you for that.
That was a real eye-opener.
230
00:15:29,760 --> 00:15:33,280
Well, it's been an absolute joy. We
would love to come back next Sunday.
231
00:15:33,280 --> 00:15:36,480
Well, I've been very glad
to do this once, Darren,
232
00:15:36,480 --> 00:15:40,240
but I'm afraid it won't be right
to have you back again next week.
233
00:15:40,240 --> 00:15:43,840
Why not? Well, if you'll
allow me, because I think
234
00:15:43,840 --> 00:15:50,360
what you do is more of a show than
a sacrament, and I don't think it's
quite right for my congregation.
235
00:15:50,360 --> 00:15:53,960
Wasn't that the most
wonderful service, Adam?
236
00:15:53,960 --> 00:15:57,320
Full of song and colour and emotion.
237
00:15:57,320 --> 00:16:02,880
Oh, what a clever, gorgeous vicar
you are, yes. So good looking.
238
00:16:07,440 --> 00:16:10,160
Hello, you two, how are
you getting along together?
239
00:16:10,160 --> 00:16:11,760
Yes, very well, thank you.
240
00:16:11,760 --> 00:16:14,440
What an extraordinary service.
It certainly was.
241
00:16:14,440 --> 00:16:16,880
Memorable, great bunch.
242
00:16:16,880 --> 00:16:18,760
Very clever of you both.
243
00:16:18,760 --> 00:16:22,520
You know I said to the Father, I
said, "Father I want all you've got,
244
00:16:22,520 --> 00:16:26,400
"and if it blows my mind,
let it blow, yeah?"
245
00:16:27,920 --> 00:16:31,640
Did you experience Jesus?
Oh, yes, several times.
246
00:16:31,640 --> 00:16:35,600
I was just saying to Adam here
how much we would love to
come back next Sunday.
247
00:16:35,600 --> 00:16:37,800
Er, yes, well, we'll have to see.
248
00:16:37,800 --> 00:16:40,680
I have a cheque here from
my church to yours for £10,000.
249
00:16:40,680 --> 00:16:43,480
I'm sure it'll go towards
whatever it is you do here.
250
00:16:43,480 --> 00:16:46,520
Goodness gracious,
Darren, that's very generous.
251
00:16:46,520 --> 00:16:48,600
Yes, well, the Dean will
be delighted.
252
00:16:48,600 --> 00:16:50,400
I hope we'll see the fruits of this?
253
00:16:50,400 --> 00:16:52,040
Of course.
254
00:16:52,040 --> 00:16:55,280
OK, gentlemen, well done.
255
00:16:55,280 --> 00:16:56,840
Enjoy your Sunday.
256
00:16:56,840 --> 00:16:59,040
Play nicely.
257
00:17:22,920 --> 00:17:27,360
Oh, hello, Alex. What are you...?
Shh. I'm not Alex.
258
00:17:53,120 --> 00:17:55,400
I'm Vivienne, what's your name?
259
00:17:56,920 --> 00:17:58,040
I'm Darren.
260
00:18:11,080 --> 00:18:12,360
I'll just get these.
261
00:18:12,360 --> 00:18:13,880
Are you serious?
262
00:18:13,880 --> 00:18:15,680
Quick as you can, please, Lisa?
263
00:18:15,680 --> 00:18:18,920
No way, shut up.
264
00:18:18,920 --> 00:18:25,240
No, at the end of the day, I didn't
even call her a slag. No...
I didn't!
265
00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:28,120
Seriously, babe.
266
00:18:30,960 --> 00:18:33,800
Er, sorry, hang on a minute. What?
267
00:18:42,480 --> 00:18:44,360
Oh, Darren. Oh, Darren.
268
00:18:44,360 --> 00:18:45,880
BUZZER
269
00:18:45,880 --> 00:18:48,440
No, me.
270
00:19:00,800 --> 00:19:02,440
< Don't mind me.
271
00:19:02,440 --> 00:19:04,520
Want me to do round the back?
272
00:19:08,560 --> 00:19:13,400
# Love me, take me, Jesus
Make me feel brand new
273
00:19:13,400 --> 00:19:15,760
# Love me, take me, Jesus...
274
00:19:15,760 --> 00:19:21,360
Sorry, I can't seem to get that
hip-hop hymn out of my head.
Yeah, it's...catchy stuff.
275
00:19:21,360 --> 00:19:25,880
Very different from your services,
all that energy and pizzazz.
276
00:19:25,880 --> 00:19:27,480
Must say Darren
is very good looking.
277
00:19:27,480 --> 00:19:31,680
Yes, I've got an e-mail from
him here, saying he's looking
forward to seeing me again soon.
278
00:19:31,680 --> 00:19:35,040
He's not coming back is he?
No. I was very clear to him.
279
00:19:36,000 --> 00:19:37,320
Hello, vicars.
280
00:19:37,320 --> 00:19:39,520
I have had the best time ever!
281
00:19:39,520 --> 00:19:41,880
Have you?
Where have you been, Colin?
282
00:19:41,880 --> 00:19:47,480
On a two-day "Be Transformed" course
at Center Parcs.
I am so...transformed!
283
00:19:47,480 --> 00:19:51,680
The St James's lot -
they're just so friendly.
And they paid for everything.
284
00:19:51,680 --> 00:19:55,280
Th-there was parties,
and we talked about Jesus...
285
00:19:55,280 --> 00:19:57,480
Here y'are. Check this, vics.
286
00:19:57,480 --> 00:20:01,760
They gave us free stuff, and
glowsticks. This one says "Jesus",
287
00:20:01,760 --> 00:20:03,800
and this one says "Transform"!
288
00:20:03,800 --> 00:20:05,840
And there was smoothies...
289
00:20:05,840 --> 00:20:08,720
Oh - there were so many smoothies.
290
00:20:08,720 --> 00:20:12,920
And lectures on how to deal
with sex, and how to cure people
of being a poof.
291
00:20:12,920 --> 00:20:15,000
And the girls are mega-hot!
292
00:20:15,000 --> 00:20:18,200
I can't wait to see 'em all again
this Sunday
when they come back 'ere.
293
00:20:19,360 --> 00:20:23,560
Sorry? Hang on...Darren's not
coming back here this Sunday, Colin.
294
00:20:23,560 --> 00:20:25,360
Yeah, they are. They all are.
295
00:20:25,360 --> 00:20:28,520
Darren's down there right now.
Awesome, yeah?
296
00:20:29,760 --> 00:20:32,080
I can't wait to see Pip again.
297
00:20:33,040 --> 00:20:35,680
I think she really likes me.
298
00:20:35,680 --> 00:20:39,080
So what exactly is the problem, Adam?
299
00:20:39,080 --> 00:20:41,920
We're all partners
in the Gospel, aren't we?
300
00:20:41,920 --> 00:20:47,400
But the thing is I don't necessarily
think that Jesus is er...absolutely
the answer to every single question.
301
00:20:47,400 --> 00:20:49,000
He is, though.
Well, I don't think so.
302
00:20:49,000 --> 00:20:53,320
I think that faith
must encounter doubt, and
all I get from you is certainty.
303
00:20:53,320 --> 00:20:56,800
That's right. So I don't think
a blending of our
styles is going to work,
304
00:20:56,800 --> 00:20:58,880
I'm going to have to ask you
to not attend any more.
305
00:20:59,840 --> 00:21:02,440
Your church was empty, Adam...
306
00:21:02,440 --> 00:21:07,080
Now it's full. Because
we appeal to people - you don't.
307
00:21:07,080 --> 00:21:10,040
Our God is a success...
308
00:21:10,040 --> 00:21:11,440
and that scares you.
309
00:21:11,440 --> 00:21:13,960
Your services scare me.
That's what scares me.
310
00:21:13,960 --> 00:21:16,760
Your services. They scare me.
311
00:21:16,760 --> 00:21:18,520
You have no sense of this parish,
312
00:21:18,520 --> 00:21:22,120
and I dread to think what your
views are on gays and women priests.
313
00:21:22,120 --> 00:21:26,200
Well, your pathetic, liberal
acceptance of them disgusts me.
314
00:21:26,200 --> 00:21:28,480
When you KNOW they're wrong.
315
00:21:28,480 --> 00:21:30,960
The Bible tells us,
St Matthew tells us...
316
00:21:34,480 --> 00:21:37,360
This church is ours now, Adam.
317
00:21:38,320 --> 00:21:40,400
And you need to acknowledge that.
318
00:21:40,400 --> 00:21:41,520
No.
319
00:21:43,240 --> 00:21:45,320
Be my friend, Adam.
320
00:21:47,080 --> 00:21:49,080
Be God's friend.
321
00:21:58,440 --> 00:22:01,120
There'll be no interruptions
tonight, I promise.
322
00:22:03,160 --> 00:22:06,000
So get ready
for a night of hot romancing.
323
00:22:06,000 --> 00:22:09,400
ALEX GIGGLES
Yes...
324
00:22:09,400 --> 00:22:11,120
I'm ready, Darren.
325
00:22:11,120 --> 00:22:13,320
Tie me up and take me to erm...
326
00:22:14,680 --> 00:22:16,360
..heaven. Like, my kind of heaven.
327
00:22:17,840 --> 00:22:21,120
Ping! Going down...
328
00:22:27,400 --> 00:22:30,120
REVERBERATING HIP-HOP MUSIC
329
00:22:31,480 --> 00:22:33,720
Can you hear that?
330
00:22:37,120 --> 00:22:40,040
RAPPING: # I should have known
that Christ was a saviour
331
00:22:40,040 --> 00:22:42,040
# I surrender to you,
you're the one
332
00:22:42,040 --> 00:22:43,760
# I give it up
for you and your son... #
333
00:22:43,760 --> 00:22:46,000
Darren, what are you doing?
334
00:22:46,000 --> 00:22:48,880
This is my home! Go away.
335
00:22:48,880 --> 00:22:51,240
Oh, we were just
praying for you, Adam.
336
00:22:51,240 --> 00:22:52,680
Well, stop it!
337
00:22:52,680 --> 00:22:54,360
What you doing up there, Adam?
338
00:22:54,360 --> 00:22:55,840
I...
339
00:22:55,840 --> 00:22:58,840
None of your business.
I'm extremely busy, Darren.
340
00:22:58,840 --> 00:23:00,040
Can you go away, please?
341
00:23:00,040 --> 00:23:02,000
Get out. Bugger off!
342
00:23:02,000 --> 00:23:04,080
This is criminal,
this is harassment.
343
00:23:05,040 --> 00:23:07,120
ENGINE STARTS UP
344
00:23:07,120 --> 00:23:09,680
Go on, what are you looking at?
Go away.
345
00:23:10,640 --> 00:23:14,760
# ..Love me, take me, Jesus,
Our resurrected Jew
346
00:23:14,760 --> 00:23:17,120
# Love me, take me, Jesus... #
347
00:23:18,320 --> 00:23:21,920
I understand your concern,
of course I do, Adam.
348
00:23:21,920 --> 00:23:24,520
The problem for you - for us -
349
00:23:24,520 --> 00:23:27,120
is that the Dean just loves
the St James's lot.
350
00:23:27,120 --> 00:23:30,000
Does he? I didn't have him down
as a hard-line Evangelical.
351
00:23:30,000 --> 00:23:34,000
No, I think he went on one of their
Be Transformed courses at Butlins,
352
00:23:34,000 --> 00:23:37,240
said, "It was magical and very
exciting," and I haven't been able
353
00:23:37,240 --> 00:23:39,400
to get a word of sense
out of him since.
354
00:23:39,400 --> 00:23:42,960
Of course, in purely financial terms,
I should be congratulating you.
355
00:23:42,960 --> 00:23:46,120
As you know, it was agreed
at the Deanery Synod last week
356
00:23:46,120 --> 00:23:49,240
that Darren should preach
at your place once a month.
357
00:23:49,240 --> 00:23:51,120
What?
358
00:23:51,120 --> 00:23:53,640
No, they can't do that,
I won't allow that.
359
00:23:53,640 --> 00:23:58,360
Well, weren't you at the meeting?
Um, no, not on this occasion.
360
00:23:58,360 --> 00:23:59,640
Why not?
361
00:24:00,800 --> 00:24:03,640
Because they're incredibly dull.
Do you go to them?
362
00:24:05,160 --> 00:24:08,680
Well, of course I do. Well, Darren
can't preach without my approval,
363
00:24:08,680 --> 00:24:11,680
it's my church,
I'll run it how I like. Of course,
364
00:24:11,680 --> 00:24:14,560
but I'd strongly recommend
you don't do that.
365
00:24:17,600 --> 00:24:20,400
I don't know what to do.
Can you think somewhere else?
366
00:24:20,400 --> 00:24:24,480
I'm expected at one
of Gordon Ramsay's soft openings,
367
00:24:24,480 --> 00:24:27,800
so I'm going to drop you out...here.
368
00:24:31,400 --> 00:24:32,920
Quick, quick!
369
00:24:37,880 --> 00:24:44,400
So, John 15 makes us ask, if you were
hanging out with Jesus and his posse,
370
00:24:44,400 --> 00:24:46,200
what would you say to the fella?
371
00:24:46,200 --> 00:24:49,840
I'm gonna give you the top ten tips
on how to be a friend of God.
372
00:24:49,840 --> 00:24:54,200
Get off me! Get off!
You're disgusting!
373
00:25:00,640 --> 00:25:02,760
Well, Jesus told me to do it.
374
00:25:04,600 --> 00:25:06,600
Pip is extremely distressed.
375
00:25:06,600 --> 00:25:08,800
She's having a smoothie,
376
00:25:08,800 --> 00:25:11,440
and she will never be able
to come back to this church.
377
00:25:11,440 --> 00:25:15,320
She's wearing a chastity bracelet,
she's clearly a virgin.
378
00:25:16,480 --> 00:25:18,720
A born-again virgin.
379
00:25:18,720 --> 00:25:22,680
I want that man barred from this
church. I'm not doing that, Darren.
380
00:25:22,680 --> 00:25:25,320
Colin's been a regular here
for 15 years.
381
00:25:25,320 --> 00:25:29,160
Is there no chance you could
forgive him? We may well prosecute.
382
00:25:29,160 --> 00:25:33,560
"Lord, how many times
am I to forgive my neighbour,
as many as seven times?"
383
00:25:33,560 --> 00:25:35,920
"70 times seven," said the Lord.
384
00:25:35,920 --> 00:25:38,400
# 70 times seven, 70 times... #
385
00:25:38,400 --> 00:25:42,120
Pip is a vital part
of our congregation, yeah?
386
00:25:42,120 --> 00:25:45,680
Colin isn't vital
to anybody Darren...except God.
387
00:25:47,200 --> 00:25:51,520
And if God loves you, Darren,
then he loves Colin just as much.
388
00:25:51,520 --> 00:25:55,920
Colin's presence in this church
is a blessing.
389
00:25:55,920 --> 00:26:01,120
Colin is a dangerous person...
who smells funky.
390
00:26:01,120 --> 00:26:04,360
Archdeacon, please understand,
391
00:26:04,360 --> 00:26:07,120
if that man is not barred
from this church
392
00:26:07,120 --> 00:26:10,160
I'm going to have
to take my large, giving,
393
00:26:10,160 --> 00:26:13,920
very generous congregation
somewhere else.
394
00:26:20,360 --> 00:26:24,320
Darren, we can't be seen
to bar anyone from our churches,
395
00:26:24,320 --> 00:26:27,200
you know that,
especially those in need.
396
00:26:27,200 --> 00:26:30,120
Even though he touched her bottom?
397
00:26:30,120 --> 00:26:35,360
Even though he touched her bottom,
which I'm not condoning,
398
00:26:35,360 --> 00:26:38,240
but...there's my answer.
399
00:26:41,640 --> 00:26:45,360
Well, I feel for you both.
No wonder your church is in crisis.
400
00:26:45,360 --> 00:26:51,320
I shall take my large, devoted gang,
and my money, elsewhere.
401
00:26:51,320 --> 00:26:54,080
Any chance you can leave
the smoothie bar?
402
00:26:56,720 --> 00:26:58,600
Thank you.
403
00:27:00,960 --> 00:27:07,080
CONGREGATION:
# He who would valiant be
404
00:27:07,080 --> 00:27:11,600
# 'Gainst all disaster
405
00:27:11,600 --> 00:27:16,560
# Let him in constancy
406
00:27:16,560 --> 00:27:21,160
# Follow the Master... #
407
00:27:22,960 --> 00:27:25,200
Are you OK, Colin?
408
00:27:25,200 --> 00:27:27,120
Yeah, yeah, course.
409
00:27:28,720 --> 00:27:31,040
I just miss Pip a bit, is all.
410
00:27:31,040 --> 00:27:36,600
I was in a dilemma with her, cos,
well, I did like her a lot... Mm.
411
00:27:36,600 --> 00:27:40,200
..but she was also
a massive prick tease.
412
00:27:40,200 --> 00:27:43,280
What you did was wrong,
you know that, don't you?
413
00:27:44,240 --> 00:27:46,280
I only pinched her arse.
414
00:27:46,280 --> 00:27:48,920
No, but you can't do that,
it's horrible for women.
415
00:27:48,920 --> 00:27:51,480
People lose jobs
because of that sort of thing.
416
00:27:51,480 --> 00:27:54,240
That said, of course,
if you hadn't done it,
417
00:27:54,240 --> 00:27:57,600
Darren and his lot
would still be here, so...thanks.
418
00:27:59,280 --> 00:28:01,600
You can always count on me, vicar.
419
00:28:09,760 --> 00:28:11,800
PHONE RINGS
420
00:28:19,600 --> 00:28:23,200
Hello, my darling wife.
'Hello, is that Darren?
421
00:28:23,200 --> 00:28:25,560
'This is Vivienne.'
422
00:28:25,560 --> 00:28:28,960
Yes.
GRUFF VOICE: This is Darren.
423
00:28:36,440 --> 00:28:39,480
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
424
00:28:39,480 --> 00:28:42,520
E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk
9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
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