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1
00:00:29,420 --> 00:00:33,560
The trouble with you people is
you're not as fit as you used to be.
2
00:00:33,560 --> 00:00:36,640
I don't think I was ever
as fit as we used to be.
3
00:00:36,640 --> 00:00:39,340
I'm knackered.
4
00:00:39,340 --> 00:00:43,040
Some of the polish has gone from the
top end of your performance curves.
5
00:00:43,040 --> 00:00:48,020
You mustn't go jumping to conclusions
just because we can't breathe
and our legs have collapsed.
6
00:00:48,020 --> 00:00:51,240
What are tha talking about?
7
00:00:51,240 --> 00:00:55,340
Tha's just as puffed as we are.
That ridiculous.
8
00:00:55,340 --> 00:00:57,960
Even puffier.
9
00:00:57,960 --> 00:01:03,120
I have always kept myself in
first class, fighting trim.
10
00:01:03,120 --> 00:01:07,760
Yes, but your trim has become
a short-back-and-sides, Foggy.
11
00:01:07,760 --> 00:01:12,480
Here, what's a scientific term
for flashes in front of the eyes?
12
00:01:12,480 --> 00:01:13,920
Indecent exposure.
13
00:01:16,820 --> 00:01:20,320
Do you reckon our backyard is
big enough to keep chickens?
14
00:01:20,320 --> 00:01:22,060
What do you want to
keep chickens for?
15
00:01:22,060 --> 00:01:25,200
Not the ideal
place for rural pursuits, is it?
16
00:01:25,200 --> 00:01:29,580
Within splashing distance
of a Wesleyan Reform chapel.
The chapel is empty.
17
00:01:29,580 --> 00:01:34,360
You think it's empty.
What about all the spirits
of the former worshippers?
18
00:01:35,900 --> 00:01:37,780
I don't believe in them.
19
00:01:37,780 --> 00:01:41,680
Mrs Arthur Paget used to go there
with a grim expression.
20
00:01:41,680 --> 00:01:44,440
You can't not
believe in Mrs Arthur Paget.
21
00:01:47,100 --> 00:01:49,580
She's still alive.
22
00:01:49,580 --> 00:01:52,340
I don't believe in DEAD Methodists.
23
00:01:52,340 --> 00:01:56,140
Don't you ever give any thought to
the possibility of an afterlife?
24
00:01:56,140 --> 00:02:00,120
Don't you believe in any power
greater than the chairman of your
local National Assistance Board?
25
00:02:01,880 --> 00:02:06,040
When tha's dead, tha's dead.
I saw our Walter
when that safe fell on him
26
00:02:06,040 --> 00:02:10,320
and if he were having any afterlife,
I can tell you
he weren't enjoying it.
27
00:02:10,320 --> 00:02:13,640
He hadn't had
time to open it, had he?
28
00:02:13,640 --> 00:02:17,100
He were not opening it,
he were just moving it for a friend.
29
00:02:17,100 --> 00:02:18,780
What, at 3 o'clock in the morning?
30
00:02:18,780 --> 00:02:20,820
What a lovely surprise(!)
31
00:02:20,820 --> 00:02:22,840
He were well-liked, were our Walter.
32
00:02:22,840 --> 00:02:27,340
Much sought after.
I knew several policemen
who were carrying his photo.
33
00:02:27,340 --> 00:02:30,580
Is that so, knacker face?
34
00:02:30,580 --> 00:02:34,040
Then cast you blinkers
on this matchbox, my friend.
35
00:02:34,040 --> 00:02:36,540
Look at that.
36
00:02:36,540 --> 00:02:38,560
Take it away. Take it away!
37
00:02:40,220 --> 00:02:41,720
Have a look.
38
00:02:44,440 --> 00:02:45,980
Don't interrupt me a minute.
39
00:02:45,980 --> 00:02:50,060
One of the supreme tests of
physical fitness is how long
you can hold your breath.
40
00:02:50,060 --> 00:02:52,660
In the days of my prime,
I could do well over a minute.
41
00:02:52,660 --> 00:02:55,000
I was tempted to
volunteer for a frogman.
42
00:02:55,000 --> 00:02:57,260
You've got the face for it.
43
00:03:20,020 --> 00:03:21,580
Don't let him go.
44
00:03:30,740 --> 00:03:33,200
I used to do better than that.
45
00:03:33,200 --> 00:03:35,260
The princes in the Tower
did better than that.
46
00:03:37,240 --> 00:03:41,600
You'd make a fine frogman, flapping
and barking about like that.
Shut up a minute.
47
00:03:41,600 --> 00:03:43,420
What is it?
48
00:03:43,420 --> 00:03:45,660
I can't hear my heart beating.
49
00:03:45,660 --> 00:03:49,300
What do you want to hear your heart
beating for? Some people like music.
50
00:03:49,300 --> 00:03:51,520
I like listening to my heart beating.
51
00:03:51,520 --> 00:03:53,980
I could hear it when we arrived.
52
00:03:53,980 --> 00:03:57,020
Now it's stopped.
53
00:03:57,020 --> 00:03:59,180
It can't have stopped.
54
00:03:59,180 --> 00:04:02,100
Would you mind repeating that
with a little more conviction?
55
00:04:02,100 --> 00:04:05,500
I can't bear that note
of uncertainty in your voice.
56
00:04:05,500 --> 00:04:07,720
You can listen to mind, if you like.
57
00:04:07,720 --> 00:04:10,080
Maybe some time
when you're not so busy.
58
00:04:10,080 --> 00:04:13,620
Oh, all right.
59
00:04:13,620 --> 00:04:15,760
We're just a bit out of condition,
that's all.
60
00:04:15,760 --> 00:04:18,300
Give me a fortnight,
I'll soon get us back into shape.
61
00:04:28,180 --> 00:04:30,240
Deep in thought, Miss Moody?
62
00:04:30,240 --> 00:04:32,020
Forgive me, Mr Wainwright.
63
00:04:32,020 --> 00:04:34,780
Not at all, not at all.
We're not machines.
64
00:04:34,780 --> 00:04:37,400
You're very understanding.
65
00:04:37,400 --> 00:04:39,020
Oh, please. No, it's true.
66
00:04:39,020 --> 00:04:43,000
Not everyone respects a person's need
for a moment of quiet reflection.
67
00:04:43,000 --> 00:04:45,600
A person like you, Miss Moody.
68
00:04:45,600 --> 00:04:49,460
For me, it's a need, a need that's
true. And I respect you for it.
69
00:04:49,460 --> 00:04:56,660
Without it, I feel weighed
down by the terrible inertia
of one's petty bourgeois environment.
70
00:04:56,660 --> 00:04:58,420
Oh, God, I know what you mean.
71
00:04:58,420 --> 00:05:02,680
Eliot's Waste Land is
depressingly real, Mr Wainwright.
72
00:05:02,680 --> 00:05:07,500
Absolutely. I can't understand
why the council doesn't stop
it with a compulsory purchase.
73
00:05:07,500 --> 00:05:11,700
TS Eliot, the poem, The Waste Land.
74
00:05:11,700 --> 00:05:14,120
Oh, THAT Eliot.
75
00:05:14,120 --> 00:05:20,180
It is still possible, isn't it,
for the individual
to carry within him or her
76
00:05:20,180 --> 00:05:24,120
a fragment of light,
a flame of something, isn't it?
77
00:05:24,120 --> 00:05:26,400
Yes, I'm sure you're right.
78
00:05:26,400 --> 00:05:28,820
A flame of something, yes.
79
00:05:28,820 --> 00:05:30,840
And we who have that flame...
80
00:05:34,080 --> 00:05:36,020
We who have that flame, Miss Moody?
81
00:05:36,020 --> 00:05:39,600
Have a sacred duty
to forge a better society,
82
00:05:39,600 --> 00:05:43,720
where even the poorest can benefit
from the light within us.
83
00:05:43,720 --> 00:05:46,800
Exactly. Even if we've got
to get the Tories out. Right.
84
00:05:46,800 --> 00:05:50,680
And the bloody Independents, and
the Ratepayers' damned Association.
85
00:05:50,680 --> 00:05:52,880
You have a fine mind, Miss Moody.
86
00:05:52,880 --> 00:05:57,500
I think like you, Mr Wainwright.
Yes, I know you do.
87
00:05:57,500 --> 00:05:59,500
That's what first put me onto it.
88
00:06:01,080 --> 00:06:02,780
And you've got damn good legs too.
89
00:06:04,340 --> 00:06:06,180
I like this one in particular.
90
00:06:08,040 --> 00:06:14,540
Hello, hello, hello, hello. What was
he doing down there with your leg?
91
00:06:14,540 --> 00:06:17,280
Are you two engaged?
92
00:06:17,280 --> 00:06:21,180
Hey, here, do you want to
have a look in my matchbox?
93
00:06:21,180 --> 00:06:22,680
Just have a little gander.
94
00:06:24,220 --> 00:06:25,500
SHE SCREAMS
95
00:06:26,480 --> 00:06:27,940
Will you get in there?
96
00:06:30,940 --> 00:06:32,960
What was in it? It was...
97
00:06:37,860 --> 00:06:39,640
Well, it's all here.
98
00:06:39,640 --> 00:06:41,560
What's all here? Don't ask.
99
00:06:41,560 --> 00:06:46,160
Our pathway back to
physical fitness, that's what's
here, in two slim volumes.
100
00:06:46,160 --> 00:06:48,980
I warned you, it's like
that moment in the film.
101
00:06:48,980 --> 00:06:52,600
You know, when this nosey idiot
lifts the lid of Dracula's coffin
102
00:06:52,600 --> 00:06:57,200
and you know what you're
going to have to go through
before they get it back on again.
103
00:06:57,200 --> 00:07:01,160
Oh, heck. I tell you what,
I'll strike a bargain with you.
104
00:07:01,160 --> 00:07:04,820
You put them books away and we'll
promise not to take you
into a corner
105
00:07:04,820 --> 00:07:06,560
and give you a right duffing up.
106
00:07:06,560 --> 00:07:10,780
I'll advise you not to talk like
that to a trained soldier of
the Royal Army Service Corps.
107
00:07:10,780 --> 00:07:13,580
That was a right ladies' regiment.
108
00:07:13,580 --> 00:07:17,080
He stands there,
fermenting in his wellies,
109
00:07:19,360 --> 00:07:26,300
covered in all the glamour of an
ex-veteran of the chemical toilet
platoon of the Pioneer Corps.
110
00:07:26,300 --> 00:07:28,040
A fine bunch of lads.
111
00:07:28,040 --> 00:07:32,840
Whose exploits are still shrouded
in a veil of official secrecy.
112
00:07:32,840 --> 00:07:36,140
That was it about our mob, you see.
Nobody wants to take the lid off.
113
00:07:38,220 --> 00:07:42,400
I should hope not.
Duff me up, he says.
114
00:07:42,400 --> 00:07:47,700
Look at him, takes him all
his strength these days
to lose money on the gee-gees.
115
00:07:47,700 --> 00:07:49,840
You're falling to pieces, man.
116
00:07:49,840 --> 00:07:52,120
I've noticed the
process of deterioration.
117
00:07:52,120 --> 00:07:56,980
There was a time of day one when
no-one was faster than you
at touching your toes.
118
00:07:56,980 --> 00:08:00,500
Someone only had to drop a fag end
and you were down there that fast,
119
00:08:00,500 --> 00:08:02,420
your spine
used to crack like a whip.
120
00:08:02,420 --> 00:08:04,540
Look at you now.
All right, then. Try me.
121
00:08:04,540 --> 00:08:07,560
Drop a fag end on that lino, try me.
122
00:08:07,560 --> 00:08:10,960
Steady, don't pull a
muscle before the big fight.
123
00:08:10,960 --> 00:08:15,320
I'll take him in the pit, that's
what I'll do. I'll take him...
124
00:08:16,860 --> 00:08:20,160
It's grotesque. Grotesque.
125
00:08:20,160 --> 00:08:21,840
A left hook.
126
00:08:21,840 --> 00:08:25,520
I think you'll find
that's your right.
127
00:08:25,520 --> 00:08:27,900
Listen, I'm the greatest,
that's me left hook.
128
00:08:29,460 --> 00:08:31,240
Stop prancing about, will you?
129
00:08:31,240 --> 00:08:36,160
Can't you sit still? I suppose he's
afraid that if he does, someone will
put him out for the dust cart.
130
00:08:36,160 --> 00:08:40,500
It's hard to be graceful when
you've got your breeches tied up
with a bit of old clothes line.
131
00:08:40,500 --> 00:08:42,780
New clothes line. Sorry.
132
00:08:42,780 --> 00:08:44,540
Listen to him.
133
00:08:44,540 --> 00:08:49,460
He's out of breath, his pulse is
racing and there are little beads of
perspiration all over his epidermis.
134
00:08:49,460 --> 00:08:51,440
Don't be filthy.
135
00:08:51,440 --> 00:08:53,960
You don't even know what
your epidermis is, do you?
136
00:08:53,960 --> 00:08:57,900
Give me a clue. I told you.
137
00:08:57,900 --> 00:09:00,320
Epidermis? Epidermis?
138
00:09:00,320 --> 00:09:07,420
My granny used to have one of them,
I think, in a plant pot in the front
window. That was an aspidistra.
139
00:09:07,420 --> 00:09:10,100
It looked like an epidermis.
140
00:09:10,100 --> 00:09:13,780
I'm talking about your skin.
It were green and shiny.
141
00:09:13,780 --> 00:09:15,880
That's right, your skin.
142
00:09:15,880 --> 00:09:19,020
Watch it.
I know when I'm being insulted.
143
00:09:19,020 --> 00:09:22,120
Well, you ought to, shouldn't you?
Look at the practice you've had.
144
00:09:22,120 --> 00:09:24,880
I doubt if even Margot Fonteyn
herself could be graceful
145
00:09:24,880 --> 00:09:27,600
with her breeches tied up
with a bit of old clothes line.
146
00:09:27,600 --> 00:09:30,220
NEW clothes line.
147
00:09:30,220 --> 00:09:33,720
Where do you keep
getting new clothes line?
148
00:09:33,720 --> 00:09:36,440
We have our sources.
149
00:09:36,440 --> 00:09:39,260
Look, read the introduction
on page nine.
150
00:09:39,260 --> 00:09:42,360
No, not you. We don't want
any one fingered exercises.
151
00:09:42,360 --> 00:09:46,880
I can read. Oh, we know. The
Sporting Life and the supplementary
benefit application forms.
152
00:09:46,880 --> 00:09:51,060
All good clean stuff.
You won't find any four-letter
words in my reading matter.
153
00:09:51,060 --> 00:09:56,020
I've only one word for you two
at the moment, isometrics.
154
00:09:56,020 --> 00:09:58,120
That were it!
155
00:09:58,120 --> 00:10:01,040
That was what my granny kept in
a plant pot in the front window.
156
00:10:01,040 --> 00:10:05,100
She used to feed it bonemeal
and used to sing to it every night.
157
00:10:05,100 --> 00:10:10,600
# You're the biggest isometric
in the world... #
158
00:10:10,600 --> 00:10:16,540
Well, I must warn you, Foggy,
that keen as I'm to have develop
a body as tough as whipcord,
159
00:10:16,540 --> 00:10:23,680
or even new clothes line, I should
be reluctant to start anything that
might involve taking my vest off.
160
00:10:23,680 --> 00:10:25,920
You don't have to
take your vest off.
161
00:10:25,920 --> 00:10:28,000
Not for isometrics.
That's the beauty of it.
162
00:10:28,000 --> 00:10:33,000
Yes, but I hope you're not spinning
us any leader-of-men type fanny,
163
00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:36,200
because you're a bit of a reckless
enthusiast sometimes, Foggy.
164
00:10:36,200 --> 00:10:38,780
You can do it all in your
plastic mac, if you like.
165
00:10:41,680 --> 00:10:45,200
Well, you say that now,
but this latest plot of yours
166
00:10:45,200 --> 00:10:48,920
has this squeak of plimsolls
and the flash of nipples about it.
167
00:10:50,520 --> 00:10:55,540
Or is it the flash of plimsolls and
the squeak of nipples? Anyway,
it worries me. You don't trust me.
168
00:10:55,540 --> 00:10:57,200
Only because tha's crackers.
169
00:10:57,200 --> 00:11:00,520
It's nothing personal, it's
just that given the choice between
170
00:11:00,520 --> 00:11:08,140
a spotty moron and somebody who's
out to improve mankind, my heart goes
out to the spotty moron every time.
171
00:11:08,140 --> 00:11:12,040
Isometrics is the ideal form
of modern exercise.
172
00:11:12,040 --> 00:11:16,180
Now look, "Designed for
the busy executive at his desk.
173
00:11:18,740 --> 00:11:23,280
"It can be performed
without elaborate apparatus
at any odd moments of the day."
174
00:11:23,280 --> 00:11:27,040
Oh, you mean like her
at 22 Jenkinson Avenue.
175
00:11:27,040 --> 00:11:33,600
Shut up. Now, there's this one,
many others can be done without
even rising from your chair.
176
00:11:33,600 --> 00:11:37,200
Oh, exercises sitting down.
177
00:11:37,200 --> 00:11:39,120
Right up your street that, isn't it?
Yep.
178
00:11:39,120 --> 00:11:43,520
It's merely the scientific
application of muscle tension
179
00:11:43,520 --> 00:11:47,220
to develop and restore those
tired, flagging limbs.
180
00:11:47,220 --> 00:11:49,140
But there you go again, you see.
181
00:11:49,140 --> 00:11:52,400
I have this nagging suspicion
that some of the nicest people
182
00:11:52,400 --> 00:11:56,320
in the world are among those
with tired, flagging limbs.
183
00:11:56,320 --> 00:12:01,320
Do you want to be nice
or do you want to be fit?
You mustn't want to be nice.
184
00:12:01,320 --> 00:12:05,120
People who want to be nice
are pain in the...arm.
185
00:12:05,120 --> 00:12:10,120
Are we going to try these
simple exercises or are we not?
186
00:12:10,120 --> 00:12:17,820
All right, all right, but let me
remind you that as my personal,
humble comment upon the wildest
187
00:12:17,820 --> 00:12:20,200
excesses of the 20th century,
188
00:12:20,200 --> 00:12:25,880
I have this ambition - that one day
there will be carved on my headstone,
189
00:12:25,880 --> 00:12:28,880
in simple Roman letters, the words:
190
00:12:28,880 --> 00:12:32,980
"To his eternal credit,
he was never seen topless."
191
00:12:35,520 --> 00:12:41,140
Thank you. Here, well, exercise
three, we'll start with exercise
three. We do this one sitting down.
192
00:12:41,140 --> 00:12:46,240
On my word of command,
we begin to try to lift the table.
193
00:12:46,240 --> 00:12:52,440
Eh, up, this is more exciting
than knocking about with dubious
women of the opposite sex.
194
00:12:52,440 --> 00:12:57,140
We shall not be able to
lift the table because
it's screwed to the floor.
195
00:12:57,140 --> 00:12:59,200
What? Is it? Oh, yes.
196
00:12:59,200 --> 00:13:01,300
Very firmly screwed to the floor.
197
00:13:01,300 --> 00:13:04,440
That's typical of
the library committee, is that it?
198
00:13:04,440 --> 00:13:09,680
We'll give the natives are a bit of
culture but we'll make sure the
tables are screwed to the floor.
199
00:13:09,680 --> 00:13:15,020
Eh, up, dodgy knees. What's the
point of trying to lift the table
200
00:13:15,020 --> 00:13:16,820
if the legs
are screwed to the floor?
201
00:13:16,820 --> 00:13:19,880
That's the whole idea,
you grimy, silly person.
202
00:13:19,880 --> 00:13:22,580
That's the whole basis
of isometrics.
203
00:13:22,580 --> 00:13:28,200
See, you exert pressure
against an immovable object
and it tones the muscles up.
204
00:13:28,200 --> 00:13:30,580
Don't argue.
Get a firm grip underneath.
205
00:13:30,580 --> 00:13:34,060
This is the ideal form
of quiet exercise.
206
00:13:34,060 --> 00:13:37,620
You can do it in a crowded room and
nobody need know you're doing it.
207
00:13:37,620 --> 00:13:41,280
Eh, up, some people
have filthy habits.
208
00:13:41,280 --> 00:13:42,940
This is no time for confession.
209
00:13:42,940 --> 00:13:45,480
Now shut up and get hold.
210
00:13:45,480 --> 00:13:48,480
On of the word of command,
lifting party.
211
00:13:48,480 --> 00:13:50,620
Lift.
212
00:13:50,720 --> 00:13:52,620
What's going on in here?
213
00:13:54,860 --> 00:13:57,700
Where do you think you're
going with that table top?
214
00:14:06,056 --> 00:14:08,276
It's merely a temporary setback.
215
00:14:09,856 --> 00:14:12,396
I reckon I've had enough.
Anyway, I don't want my
216
00:14:12,396 --> 00:14:15,936
muscles to get too massive,
otherwise my clobber won't fit.
217
00:14:15,936 --> 00:14:21,056
I thought the whole point
about wearing rags was
it could fit anything.
218
00:14:21,056 --> 00:14:27,576
Flatterer. You're probably going
to die in about 100 years, is it
really worth bothering to get trim?
219
00:14:27,576 --> 00:14:30,996
I see no reason why we
can't do it without the books.
220
00:14:30,996 --> 00:14:35,296
Oh, you need a book? Teach
yourself to die, there's a novelty.
221
00:14:35,296 --> 00:14:37,396
No, we can do the
exercises without the book.
222
00:14:37,396 --> 00:14:39,856
I've got a grasp
of the main principles.
223
00:14:39,856 --> 00:14:41,836
Watch it, it'll make you go blind.
224
00:14:43,916 --> 00:14:46,116
Would you kindly walk
a few paces behind?
225
00:14:46,116 --> 00:14:50,796
I don't want the general public
to get the impression we've stolen
you from the top of a bonfire.
226
00:14:52,856 --> 00:14:55,916
If you insist
that we abandon isometrics,
227
00:14:55,916 --> 00:14:58,996
we shall just have to revert to
the more orthodox forms of exercise.
228
00:14:58,996 --> 00:15:01,236
Or we can just
deteriorate comfortably.
229
00:15:01,236 --> 00:15:05,396
No, we'll start with something short
and snappy.
Like Nora Batty's garters.
230
00:15:07,476 --> 00:15:09,216
The 100 yard dash.
231
00:15:09,216 --> 00:15:13,716
Oh, heck. Will you settle
for a 50 yard stagger?
232
00:15:13,716 --> 00:15:20,076
I'll settle for nothing less
than a reinvigorated body.
233
00:15:20,076 --> 00:15:23,876
Now, 100 yards. Yes, I shall
count to three. That's a good idea.
234
00:15:23,876 --> 00:15:27,076
That's a better exercised to
start with, counting to three.
235
00:15:28,016 --> 00:15:32,076
And on the command, go, I'll expect
to see a flying start, no slacking,
236
00:15:32,076 --> 00:15:35,556
no hanging back,
this is private enterprise.
237
00:15:35,556 --> 00:15:37,396
You can't get fit under socialism.
238
00:15:37,396 --> 00:15:41,016
Don't poke me in the
vicinity of my nipple.
239
00:15:41,016 --> 00:15:42,636
All that socialism will do for you
240
00:15:42,636 --> 00:15:46,496
is to employ another regiment
of civil servants
to do your running for you.
241
00:15:46,496 --> 00:15:50,936
I'll not have a Tory capitalist
poking me within
the vicinity of my nipple.
242
00:15:50,936 --> 00:15:52,776
To do your running for you.
243
00:15:52,776 --> 00:15:55,496
At shop steward speed,
which we all know is the
244
00:15:55,496 --> 00:15:58,476
equivalent of having your legs
firmly shackled in a mangle.
245
00:15:58,476 --> 00:16:00,496
Right, now, on your knees.
246
00:16:00,496 --> 00:16:04,776
That's a Tory talking, that's where
they want us, down on our knees.
247
00:16:04,776 --> 00:16:08,336
I do enjoy hearing people
discuss politics.
248
00:16:08,336 --> 00:16:13,056
It makes you realise there are
things more boring than growing old.
249
00:16:13,056 --> 00:16:17,716
Now, we'll run as far as that bush
down there, then we'll stop.
250
00:16:17,716 --> 00:16:22,336
Are you ready? On your marks,
this will make the blood race...
251
00:16:22,336 --> 00:16:24,916
I just hope we can keep up with it.
252
00:16:24,916 --> 00:16:28,496
Don't forget I'm still
wearing my wellies.
253
00:16:28,496 --> 00:16:32,196
Listen to him, it's like a duck
complaining about webbed feet.
254
00:16:32,196 --> 00:16:37,236
On your marks, 1, 2, 3. Go!
255
00:16:41,316 --> 00:16:46,056
I knew it, I knew it. All right,
don't get your vest in a tangle.
256
00:16:46,056 --> 00:16:50,396
The idea that when it came to
showing a bit of energy,
you'd fail miserably.
257
00:16:50,396 --> 00:16:53,416
All right, we'll have a
crude commercial incentive.
258
00:16:53,416 --> 00:16:55,876
A shilling each in the
kitty, winner-takes-all.
259
00:17:01,256 --> 00:17:02,936
Look at him.
260
00:17:02,936 --> 00:17:04,516
What a performance.
261
00:17:04,516 --> 00:17:10,696
Sometimes, it slips through
the hole in my pocket and I have
to find it in the lining.
262
00:17:10,696 --> 00:17:14,316
Good heavens. Does the same
thing happen to your money as well?
263
00:17:17,936 --> 00:17:20,536
I hope you realise this is
very much of a gamble.
264
00:17:20,536 --> 00:17:23,816
Only a little one. Whether I'm
going to find any money at all.
265
00:17:23,816 --> 00:17:26,536
We'll wait.
266
00:17:26,536 --> 00:17:28,216
This is it. I've got it here.
267
00:17:28,216 --> 00:17:30,336
Don't go away.
268
00:17:30,336 --> 00:17:33,316
If ever he's mugged, his assailant
is going to want waiting time.
269
00:17:40,856 --> 00:17:43,296
Here we are.
270
00:17:43,296 --> 00:17:47,756
Now that King Farouk's coughed up
from the royal treasury,
on your marks.
271
00:17:49,856 --> 00:17:51,816
1, 2,
272
00:17:51,816 --> 00:17:53,376
3, go!
273
00:18:12,556 --> 00:18:15,456
You'll have to move that bush
a bit nearer, Foggy.
274
00:18:15,456 --> 00:18:18,016
I'm losing physical polish.
275
00:18:18,016 --> 00:18:21,336
I ain't...losing...a shilling.
276
00:18:21,336 --> 00:18:25,076
The way you chuck it about on the
gee-gees, you'd never think so.
277
00:18:28,536 --> 00:18:30,376
Wait a minute.
278
00:18:30,376 --> 00:18:32,916
I've got an idea.
279
00:18:36,176 --> 00:18:38,576
Where are you going?
280
00:18:38,576 --> 00:18:41,956
Come back!
281
00:18:42,856 --> 00:18:45,036
Come back. Both of you.
282
00:18:54,956 --> 00:18:57,136
I have this affinity for the water.
283
00:18:59,896 --> 00:19:04,856
It's not that I've got the sea in
my blood, it's more like a pond
284
00:19:04,856 --> 00:19:08,036
or very shallow rivers.
285
00:19:08,036 --> 00:19:10,156
I like to be able to see the bottom.
286
00:19:14,496 --> 00:19:20,276
A passion for inland waterways
could be better than having
the sea in your blood.
287
00:19:20,276 --> 00:19:25,016
The Danes used to have the sea
in their blood and look
how they finished up -
288
00:19:25,016 --> 00:19:31,956
with an international reputation
for pornography. It seems they
like to see the bottom too.
289
00:19:33,536 --> 00:19:35,676
Hey, there are some
rabbit droppings here.
290
00:19:38,336 --> 00:19:39,456
What?
291
00:19:39,456 --> 00:19:41,116
Rabbit droppings.
292
00:19:43,116 --> 00:19:50,036
Well, fill your pockets, kid, there's
nobody looking. It were just an idea.
293
00:19:53,136 --> 00:19:55,176
You might at least let me tell
you what it is.
294
00:20:04,516 --> 00:20:05,676
You'll be sorry.
295
00:20:09,356 --> 00:20:14,476
That's why the human race was buried
in ignorance for thousands of years,
296
00:20:14,476 --> 00:20:17,116
because it wouldn't
keep its ears open.
297
00:20:18,376 --> 00:20:21,076
CAR HORN HONKS
298
00:20:21,076 --> 00:20:23,116
You're a hog! What are you?
299
00:20:27,796 --> 00:20:31,276
We're prepared to believe
that it's a brilliant idea,
300
00:20:31,276 --> 00:20:35,596
it's just that we'd rather not
hear about it on the grounds that
301
00:20:35,596 --> 00:20:39,696
it might tend to invigorate us.
Oh, well, please yourselves.
302
00:20:43,176 --> 00:20:46,296
Eh, up, Nora Batty,
what are you doing here?
303
00:20:46,296 --> 00:20:49,176
Don't you come here near me.
304
00:20:49,176 --> 00:20:51,796
Do you want to have a look
in a matchbox? Here, look.
305
00:20:55,936 --> 00:20:58,336
Will you put that damned thing away?
306
00:20:58,336 --> 00:21:00,076
It won't do any harm, will you?
307
00:21:00,896 --> 00:21:03,076
What have you got in there?
308
00:21:04,216 --> 00:21:05,516
Filth.
309
00:21:05,516 --> 00:21:08,416
Now what's going on? I won't
have you frightening my staff.
310
00:21:08,416 --> 00:21:10,376
The staff?
311
00:21:10,376 --> 00:21:14,536
Mrs Batty is working here now,
so I can spend more time going
around selling in the van.
312
00:21:14,536 --> 00:21:16,836
Eh, up, a bit of glamour
on the premises at last.
313
00:21:16,836 --> 00:21:20,696
Oh, you'll have to get her
done up a bit though, Sid.
314
00:21:20,696 --> 00:21:23,956
I mean, get her into some
black tights and a little skirt
315
00:21:23,956 --> 00:21:28,616
so she can slink around, singing
songs like Marlene Dietrich.
316
00:21:28,616 --> 00:21:31,816
He's got a wicked tongue.
317
00:21:31,816 --> 00:21:34,996
This is the best idea you've
had since them non-crisp crisps.
318
00:21:34,996 --> 00:21:37,336
They were crisp close enough.
Give over.
319
00:21:37,336 --> 00:21:40,656
They didn't go crunch,
they went shlop.
320
00:21:42,576 --> 00:21:44,836
I'll give you a shlop
if you come in any nearer.
321
00:21:44,836 --> 00:21:47,136
You can't keep your
hands off me, can you?
322
00:21:47,136 --> 00:21:49,156
You can't keep your hands off me.
323
00:21:49,156 --> 00:21:51,556
Look, look at these mobile lips.
324
00:21:53,656 --> 00:21:56,256
I didn't come here to be insulted.
325
00:21:56,256 --> 00:21:58,956
Why not? The customers do.
326
00:21:58,956 --> 00:22:02,036
If you got any complaints,
see my missus.
327
00:22:02,036 --> 00:22:06,696
No, it's all right, Sidney,
we'd rather have a complaint
than see your missus.
328
00:22:06,696 --> 00:22:08,876
I understand that point of view.
329
00:22:08,876 --> 00:22:12,036
We'll have three of your
horrible meat pies, please, Sidney.
330
00:22:12,036 --> 00:22:15,436
Do you want the small
horrible meat pies or the
large horrible meat pies?
331
00:22:15,436 --> 00:22:17,636
Small.
332
00:22:17,636 --> 00:22:20,536
Windy.
333
00:22:20,536 --> 00:22:22,276
Here. Ta.
334
00:22:25,656 --> 00:22:27,416
Ta.
335
00:22:33,496 --> 00:22:36,536
Ah!
336
00:22:36,536 --> 00:22:37,996
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
337
00:22:39,796 --> 00:22:42,796
Don't take the wrapping off,
you'll spoil the flavour.
338
00:22:45,076 --> 00:22:47,476
Now, about my idea.
339
00:22:47,476 --> 00:22:50,316
It occurred to me...
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
340
00:22:50,316 --> 00:22:55,756
I do like to see an attractive
woman dabbling through running water.
341
00:22:57,416 --> 00:22:59,496
What's attractive about Nora Batty?
342
00:22:59,496 --> 00:23:02,736
She's got a new bucket.
343
00:23:02,736 --> 00:23:06,196
I've seen her
with her hair down screaming.
344
00:23:06,196 --> 00:23:08,536
I've seen her all done
up on her way to bingo.
345
00:23:08,536 --> 00:23:12,176
Why is it women look so
lush when they go to bingo?
Their eyes sparkle.
346
00:23:12,176 --> 00:23:16,616
Sad, isn't it, that they
seem to prefer it to adultery?
347
00:23:16,616 --> 00:23:20,836
Well, there's a bus that takes them
right to the door.
That's true, yeah.
348
00:23:20,836 --> 00:23:27,056
There aren't many picture palaces
these days that have been converted
into centres for adultery.
349
00:23:27,136 --> 00:23:30,056
How come tha took on Nora Batty?
350
00:23:30,056 --> 00:23:32,196
I didn't, the wife did.
351
00:23:32,196 --> 00:23:36,996
She wouldn't trust me with any of
the other applicants on account
as they had recognisable boobs.
352
00:23:36,996 --> 00:23:38,996
Not good ones, just recognisable.
353
00:23:40,656 --> 00:23:42,636
What the hell are you doing?!
354
00:23:47,896 --> 00:23:52,076
Eh, up, did you see our Sidney
move then? Oh, he's fit.
355
00:23:52,076 --> 00:23:55,656
That's what we want -
a trainer, like Ivy.
356
00:23:55,656 --> 00:23:57,716
You saw what she did
for the Gestapo.
357
00:23:57,716 --> 00:24:01,556
What we want is a very elementary,
if only you'll listen to my idea.
358
00:24:01,556 --> 00:24:05,176
I thought you were going to load that
van. I tell you what I'm going to do.
359
00:24:05,176 --> 00:24:07,396
What? I'm going to load that van.
360
00:24:08,936 --> 00:24:12,996
Ivy, when is Marlene
going to do her cabaret?
361
00:24:12,996 --> 00:24:15,156
Oh, just ignore him, Mrs Batty.
362
00:24:15,156 --> 00:24:18,136
I do, I spend half my
life ignoring him.
363
00:24:18,136 --> 00:24:23,576
He shouts through my letterbox,
words like, "see-through blouses."
364
00:24:23,576 --> 00:24:26,496
Nora, life is passing us by.
365
00:24:26,496 --> 00:24:32,756
The time will come when you'll long
for my passionate lips to be pressed
closely against your...letterbox.
366
00:24:34,176 --> 00:24:36,136
He's all mouth and trousers.
367
00:24:36,136 --> 00:24:38,836
They are all alike. Is that it, then?
368
00:24:38,836 --> 00:24:41,456
The whole male sex guilty
because I haven't loaded the van?
369
00:24:41,456 --> 00:24:43,936
It's guilty whether
you load it or not.
370
00:24:43,936 --> 00:24:46,636
I've never met a man yet that's worth
half a good woman.
371
00:24:46,636 --> 00:24:49,216
That's the trouble,
you can't get half a good woman -
372
00:24:49,216 --> 00:24:51,696
you've got to take
the whole nattering lot.
373
00:24:51,696 --> 00:24:55,276
Get in there! I was only joking.
Don't give me your joking...
374
00:25:00,616 --> 00:25:02,136
SMASHING
375
00:25:02,136 --> 00:25:03,856
MUFFLED SHOUTING
376
00:25:03,856 --> 00:25:08,356
How many more times do I have
to tell you? How many more times?
377
00:25:13,016 --> 00:25:16,576
Now, my idea concerns
378
00:25:16,576 --> 00:25:21,296
the ideal form of exercise for
restoring unfit middle-aged bodies.
379
00:25:21,296 --> 00:25:24,076
We've got the idea.
380
00:25:24,076 --> 00:25:27,416
It's just the opportunity,
isn't it, Nora?
381
00:25:27,416 --> 00:25:29,396
# Falling in love again... #
382
00:25:32,356 --> 00:25:34,456
Sit down and pay attention.
383
00:25:34,456 --> 00:25:40,396
Now look, this idea of mine
will appeal to you particularly
because it involves sitting down...
384
00:25:43,276 --> 00:25:45,196
I'll be glad when this is over.
385
00:25:45,196 --> 00:25:47,476
Why do you always look
at things negatively?
386
00:25:47,476 --> 00:25:50,376
Why don't you see the positive side?
387
00:25:50,376 --> 00:25:52,756
I'm positive I'll be glad
when this is over.
388
00:25:52,756 --> 00:25:57,296
It's highly beneficial
to the kidneys. O-oh...
What's your problem?
389
00:25:57,536 --> 00:26:00,736
I think your geography
is a bit wrong, Foggy.
390
00:26:00,736 --> 00:26:05,036
Within a few miles we'll slip
into it as if we're born to it.
391
00:26:05,036 --> 00:26:08,556
I hate it. I've never met
such a pair of complainers.
392
00:26:08,556 --> 00:26:11,796
You sit there and
do nothing but moan.
393
00:26:11,796 --> 00:26:18,196
Who's sitting? I'm taking most
of the weight in the stirrups. And to
think that England has come to this.
394
00:26:18,196 --> 00:26:23,496
From the spirit behind the
charge of the Light Brigade
to you two reluctant herberts.
395
00:26:23,496 --> 00:26:26,256
It was a horse that
made this nation great.
396
00:26:26,256 --> 00:26:29,156
And uncomfortable.
397
00:26:29,156 --> 00:26:33,196
I didn't realise it were
this far from the floor.
398
00:26:33,196 --> 00:26:36,056
Supposing I get thrown on my head.
399
00:26:36,056 --> 00:26:40,856
Does he look like a savage beast?
His head does a bit, yeah.
He's a placid horse.
400
00:26:40,856 --> 00:26:43,336
He's got four feet on the ground.
401
00:26:43,336 --> 00:26:45,436
No wonder he's placid.
402
00:26:45,436 --> 00:26:48,476
What are you worried about?
They won't go any faster than this.
403
00:26:48,476 --> 00:26:54,236
I'm not worried about
it going faster,
I'm worried about stopping it.
404
00:26:54,236 --> 00:26:57,076
Where's the break?
405
00:26:57,076 --> 00:26:59,576
You have to say "whoa".
406
00:26:59,576 --> 00:27:02,636
Whoa. Whoa, you stupid thing.
407
00:27:02,636 --> 00:27:04,716
Whoa, whoa.
408
00:27:04,716 --> 00:27:07,236
I knew it, it's a runaway.
What, at this speed?
409
00:27:09,536 --> 00:27:13,016
I thought you betting-shop
brigade were fond of horses.
410
00:27:13,016 --> 00:27:16,356
There's no danger,
you can always jump off.
411
00:27:16,356 --> 00:27:18,036
From up here?
412
00:27:18,036 --> 00:27:19,916
Tha must be crazy.
413
00:27:19,916 --> 00:27:21,636
I'm not risking it at this height.
414
00:27:23,156 --> 00:27:24,976
They'll stop when they feel like it.
415
00:27:24,976 --> 00:27:30,996
I should imagine, after a while
you get used to this rolling
motion and start feeling more...
416
00:27:30,996 --> 00:27:32,496
sick.
417
00:27:34,716 --> 00:27:36,536
Take your lead from me.
418
00:27:36,536 --> 00:27:39,956
You don't have to panic,
just leave it to the horses.
419
00:27:39,956 --> 00:27:41,676
They'll take us home.
420
00:27:41,676 --> 00:27:44,116
The horses know where they're going.
421
00:28:10,916 --> 00:28:14,416
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