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www.SubCentral.de
presents...
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The Inbetweeners S03E02
"The Gig and the Girlfriend"
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Sync & corrections: extreme
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Jay was full of helpful tips,
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00:00:23,395 --> 00:00:27,178
and this morning's were about how to make
the most of the space in your caravan.
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So I had one bent over the table here,
there was one up here I was fingering,
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and I was just toe-fucking
the one on the floor.
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Whilst your parents were sleeping
in bunk beds just over there?
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It's amazing how good
you are with birds, Jay.
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What can I say? It's a gift.
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So when do we get to meet
these three lucky ladies?
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- They've gone back to the Playboy Mansion.
- Of course,
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because if you lived in the Playboy Mansion,
you'd definitely holiday in Great Yarmouth.
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They did. I told you you should
have come on holiday with us, Si.
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I don't want made-up Playboy models.
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I just want a nice girlfriend
who'll maybe have sex with me.
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I read in my sister's Grazia
that birds like it if you ask 'em questions.
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If you wanna get a girlfriend,
you should probably try that.
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00:00:59,957 --> 00:01:01,278
- Really?
- Yeah, that works,
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Of course, the only question I ask is
"Which hole do you want it in first?"
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- Great, thanks.
- What are you lot up to?
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Is Jay showing you where he
used to shag the cushions?
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He thinks me and his mum
don't know about that.
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- Come on, Dad.
- We had to replace the covers twice.
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Jay was telling us about
the birds he pulled in Norfolk.
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- Oh, right, was he?
- You remember, right, Dad?
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Well, he's a total bullshitter, then,
'cause the only pussy
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he's ever touched was
his mum's when he fell out of it!
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See you later.
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He's such a wind-up merchant.
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So with Mr Cartwright confirming that Jay
hadn't hosted an orgy on the fold-out table,
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we began to question
a few other things he'd said.
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- What else have I ever said that's bullshit?
- That your mate can squeeze himself
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- into a microwave?
- Yeah, a good-sized one.
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That your dad fought Muhammad Ali
as an amateur and beat him.
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- It was on a points decision.
- Those were just this morning. I could go on.
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- Wankers.
- His fag smelt funny.
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Holy shit! Was Donovan
smoking drugs? In the open?
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- On a school day?
- Don't shit yourself, Talk To Frank.
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It's just a bit of puff.
Everyone does a bit of puff.
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Do they? It's just that I don't, you
don't and nor does anyone we know.
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What are you talking about?
I do it all the time!
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- Do you?
- Yes, but not with you saddoes.
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- I do it with my older mate.
- Has this imaginary mate got a name?
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Look, I go round his, we get nicely stoned
listening to music, bit of reggae,
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or we go to gigs.
Everyone does it at gigs.
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Just pass the puff around,
share the love. The birds love it.
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Is it true it makes
your teeth feel funny?
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Yeah, but I'm hardcore, so
it doesn't really affect me.
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00:02:26,142 --> 00:02:28,945
Yes, the effects are lessened if
you only pretend to take it.
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Not that I have to prove anything,
but the other day we got his dog stoned
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and it got the munchies,
so it ran away for an hour.
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When it came back, it had nicked a packet
of Hobnobs from the all-night garage.
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- What does that even mean?
- All you need to know is,
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I can get as much gear as you like,
whenever you like.
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- I don't want any, ever.
- When you think about it, everything's drugs.
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- No, not really.
- Yeah, beer, Disprin,
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coffee, trainers,
chicken nuggets, clingfilm...
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Right, I've got to go.
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...plants, clothes, car tyres,
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- calculators, wasps.
- That's right.
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- Simon's off to get his fix now.
- Si's doing drugs?
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Yeah, he's addicted to crack, Neil.
Carli's crack.
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Oh, yeah! Nice one.
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I'm not an expert, but here's a tip:
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Don't literally run after
a girl you fancy.
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It makes you look needy.
And unless they're desperate or mental,
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it won't work.
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- Oh, sorry.
- It's OK.
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- I really didn't mean to sit on you.
- No, cos that would be weird.
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Yeah! Yeah. Totally.
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- Are you in the Lower Sixth?
- Yeah. You've probably never noticed me before
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because I've just dyed my hair
and suddenly grown a pair of tits.
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- I'm Simon, by the way.
- I know. Tara.
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- What are you reading?
- The NME.
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I hate it, it's always wrong.
It's basically shit.
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- Still doesn't stop me buying it every week.
- Right. Every week?
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00:03:48,932 --> 00:03:50,878
- Yep.
- So you buy it every week?
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00:03:50,879 --> 00:03:52,694
- Yeah.
- Not every week, though?
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- Yes, every week.
- So every week?
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Are you broken?
Have you got a head injury?
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- So you're into music, then?
- Yeah, massively.
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I'd die without Spotify,
and I love going to gigs.
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- Oh, yeah, the same.
- The same what?
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- Same as what you said.
- Right.
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00:04:08,627 --> 00:04:11,551
So have you been
down the Enterprise?
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Just trying to... Enter...
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The've loads of brilliant
up and coming bands.
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Can't quite...
I don't know.
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- I just...
- It's cool if you haven't.
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- No, don't think so.
- Well, you should. It's awesome.
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There's this band playing Friday,
Failsafe, they're amazing.
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- Me and a mate are going.
- Sounds cool. I love gigs.
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00:04:30,803 --> 00:04:32,818
I went to a big gig last year.
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My mum took us to see Take That
at Wembley Arena.
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Yeah, it was good, yeah.
We were quite far back,
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sort of on the side, but they were awesome.
My mum went mental for it.
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Well, to be honest,
I don't think you'd like Failsafe.
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It's a slightly different vibe
to Take That.
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Oh, no, I would. I love all vibes.
Failsafe, Take That...
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reggae.
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I'd love to come. And I'll
even bring the puff if you like.
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Drugs?
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00:04:59,307 --> 00:05:02,238
- I didn't think that was your scene.
- Didn't you? No, when I'm at gigs
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I always pass the puff around,
share the love.
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00:05:05,161 --> 00:05:06,175
Really?
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00:05:06,176 --> 00:05:09,845
Yeah. I'm pretty cool like that, but
I try and keep it on the down-low.
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- Wow. Well, you're doing a great job.
- Great.
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I'll see you Friday, and I'll
bring enough spliff puff for everyone.
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- Even enough for your mum?
- No.
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No, she won't be there.
Stupid bitch!
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But I'll be there,
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with the drugs.
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Why the fuck did you say
you'd bring drugs? You don't do drugs.
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- I know, but she's fit and I panicked.
- So you're going to supply her,
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like a pimp to a drug-addled prostitute.
Is that what you've become?
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00:05:33,424 --> 00:05:36,069
Calm down, Will, it's just a bit of
puff, everyone does it.
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Jay, you can sort me out, right?
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- Slight problem on that front.
- What, in the past 15 minutes?
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00:05:41,180 --> 00:05:44,442
Yeah, my mate's fucked off
on a gap year to Afghanistan,
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- trying to get some pure shit from source.
- Of course he has.
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00:05:47,474 --> 00:05:50,798
Thanks a fucking bunch!
Will's right, you are total bullshitter.
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Don't blame me!
Drug dealers are unreliable.
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- You could ask Donovan, Jay.
- Unless you're scared of him.
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Of course not! I've had a toke
with Mark untold times.
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I sort him out with Rizla and ting.
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So you're a newsagent now,
as well as a liar?
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All right, I'll ask Donovan. Then
tomorrow night, when, thanks to me,
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we're watching Simon get balls-deep
in Tara, we'll see who the liar is.
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Fine, we will.
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Probably be a bit weird
if you two are there.
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I don't know what Donovan was smoking,
but it made him spread butter like a maniac.
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- What if he throws the toaster at you?
- Why would he do that? We're mates.
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- Are you?
- Sort of.
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What the fuck are you two queers
doing, checking out my arse?
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- Come on, let's go.
- Nah, we just wanted a word.
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- Prick. There's a word.
- Right. Sorry.
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We wanted to ask if you
could sort us some puff?
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- Have you lost your retarded minds?
- Jay's mate's in Afghanistan.
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- What?
- Nah, look, we'll pay.
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How much have you got?
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About 20 quid.
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All right, I'll do you
a special Team Twat deal.
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There you go.
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- Nah, come on.
- What?
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- Come on, seriously, Mark, that's...
- Puff.
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No, it's tea. Like normal tea.
We just saw you empty the bags.
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Are you calling me a liar?
You disrespecting me?
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00:07:22,231 --> 00:07:24,734
No, it's just that, you know,
you did it in front of us.
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I'm going to give you
a chance to apologise.
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- Right, yeah, no, sorry. But...
- But what?
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- Nothing.
- And?
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Thank you for the puff.
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Don't smoke it all at once.
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It was the night of
Simon's date with Tara,
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and to mark the occasion,
he'd dressed like a dick.
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- Are you actually going to wear that?
- Yes.
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- Interesting.
- Look, if I'm gonna get a girlfriend,
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I'm going to have to try a different
plan than the one I had for Carli.
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Was there a plan? I thought you just
lurched from one disaster to another.
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I know what I need to do with Tara.
Just pretend to be someone that I'm not,
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that I go to gigs, wear hats,
and most importantly,
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sort out D-R-U-G-S.
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- My mum's in.
- So?
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- She can spell.
- You two look smart. Where are you off to?
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00:08:06,492 --> 00:08:08,513
We're going to pick up Neil.
Then we're going to a gig.
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A gig? Wow.
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Yeah, I remember my first gig.
INXS, Hammersmith Odeon.
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One of the band went off stage, then came
back on a skateboard. We all screamed.
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00:08:17,577 --> 00:08:20,792
Yeah, looking back,
I'm not sure why he did it.
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00:08:20,793 --> 00:08:22,429
- We're going to go now.
- Well, have fun,
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00:08:22,430 --> 00:08:25,849
and if anyone does offer you
any D-R-U-G-S, be careful.
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00:08:25,850 --> 00:08:28,426
- What?
- I overheard you.
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00:08:28,427 --> 00:08:32,777
It's OK, petal, I know boys will be boys,
but I can trust you to do the responsible thing.
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00:08:32,778 --> 00:08:35,737
Very lucky to have you,
because you're so boring.
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00:08:35,738 --> 00:08:37,816
- Boring?
- Well, not boring.
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00:08:37,817 --> 00:08:40,114
- Just scared of things.
- Scared?
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00:08:40,115 --> 00:08:42,830
Sensible. That's the word
I'm looking for. Sensible.
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00:08:42,831 --> 00:08:45,898
You're very sensible, so I don't
have to worry about you as much.
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00:08:45,899 --> 00:08:48,549
- Because you're so scared.
- Thanks, Mum.
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Instead of D-R-U-G-S,
Jay had bought P-G T-I-P-S,
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00:08:53,632 --> 00:08:57,332
which he'd spent the last hour
failing to roll up into a joint.
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00:08:57,333 --> 00:08:59,222
I can't believe you're
going through with this.
184
00:08:59,223 --> 00:09:02,444
Come on, Will,
it's just a "leetle spleef".
185
00:09:03,840 --> 00:09:06,315
Is that meant to be funny?
Is that drug humour?
186
00:09:06,316 --> 00:09:09,265
All right, Cliff Richard!
If you don't like it, fuck off.
187
00:09:09,266 --> 00:09:11,093
No, I'll stay. And laugh at you.
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00:09:11,094 --> 00:09:15,180
Jay, I've heard smoking's well bad for you.
Can't we just make tea with it?
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00:09:15,181 --> 00:09:16,280
No.
190
00:09:16,851 --> 00:09:19,732
You can't make tea with this
type, remember, Neil?
191
00:09:19,733 --> 00:09:21,100
Oh, yeah.
192
00:09:21,553 --> 00:09:23,763
- Why not?
- Because...
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00:09:24,615 --> 00:09:26,930
it's stronger if you eat it.
194
00:09:26,931 --> 00:09:30,525
- We could bake it into chocolate brownies.
- Cool. Delicious.
195
00:09:30,526 --> 00:09:32,679
- Who knows the recipe?
- Nigella Lawson?
196
00:09:32,680 --> 00:09:35,833
We haven't got time to fucking bake cakes.
My dad'll be here to pick us up in a minute.
197
00:09:35,834 --> 00:09:39,327
- I want to try it before I meet Tara.
- I can cook toast. And eggs.
198
00:09:39,328 --> 00:09:42,698
What about putting it in
egg on toast? Would that work?
199
00:09:42,699 --> 00:09:44,802
- Might do.
- Drugs on eggs on toast?
200
00:09:44,803 --> 00:09:47,625
Are you not worried it might lead
to harder stuff? Beans on toast,
201
00:09:47,626 --> 00:09:49,940
- maybe a sausage?
- Or I can make jelly?
202
00:09:49,941 --> 00:09:51,556
Right, fuck it,
I'm brewing some hash tea.
203
00:09:51,557 --> 00:09:54,809
The one thing Jay didn't want
Simon to do with the tea was make tea,
204
00:09:54,810 --> 00:09:56,501
because he'd find out it was tea.
205
00:09:56,502 --> 00:09:58,464
I told you, Si,
there were supply issues.
206
00:09:58,465 --> 00:10:01,661
The main issue being
Donovan supplied you with tea.
207
00:10:02,343 --> 00:10:04,566
And so refreshed,
but in no way high,
208
00:10:04,567 --> 00:10:06,736
Simon headed for
his date with Tara.
209
00:10:06,737 --> 00:10:08,249
You lot seem very quiet tonight.
210
00:10:08,250 --> 00:10:10,823
Well, it's better than
hearing non-stop bullshit.
211
00:10:10,824 --> 00:10:13,079
Language.
What's that on your head, Simon?
212
00:10:13,080 --> 00:10:14,956
Oh, I don't know, Dad. Oh, yeah,
213
00:10:14,957 --> 00:10:17,648
it's a hat. Obviously. God!
214
00:10:17,649 --> 00:10:19,598
- Looks bloody stupid.
- We tried to tell him.
215
00:10:19,599 --> 00:10:22,015
- You look like a butcher.
- Pete Doherty wears them, actually.
216
00:10:22,016 --> 00:10:23,880
Pete Doherty's butcher wears them.
217
00:10:23,881 --> 00:10:25,886
I forgot you were a comedian
as well as a cab driver.
218
00:10:25,887 --> 00:10:28,881
Oi! I'm doing you a favour.
Why are you wearing it?
219
00:10:28,882 --> 00:10:30,360
You've never worn
anything like that before.
220
00:10:30,361 --> 00:10:33,861
- He's meeting a bird.
- Knew it. You've got that look in your eye.
221
00:10:33,862 --> 00:10:35,343
- What?
- An animal look.
222
00:10:35,344 --> 00:10:38,161
I've seen it when you
watch TV, X Factor and that.
223
00:10:38,162 --> 00:10:40,223
- What, when he sees Louis Walsh?
- Funny.
224
00:10:40,224 --> 00:10:42,044
No, thankfully, Cheryl Cole.
225
00:10:42,045 --> 00:10:45,395
If his mum's in the room,
he pops a pillow over his lap.
226
00:10:45,912 --> 00:10:48,141
It wasn't exactly Wembley Arena,
227
00:10:48,142 --> 00:10:51,209
but the Enterprise had everything
you want from a local music venue
228
00:10:51,210 --> 00:10:54,563
bar staff who didn't ask for ID,
a worrying lack of fire exits
229
00:10:54,564 --> 00:10:56,184
and a horrific smell from the toilets.
230
00:10:56,185 --> 00:10:58,600
- Can you see Tara anywhere?
- Just follow the puddles,
231
00:10:58,601 --> 00:11:00,750
- she's that fucking wet for you.
- Can you hear something?
232
00:11:00,751 --> 00:11:03,102
I can smell bullshit,
but I can't hear anything.
233
00:11:03,103 --> 00:11:05,950
- Stop being a baby.
- Simon, I think it's probably for the best
234
00:11:05,951 --> 00:11:08,332
that you don't have any drugs.
I'm sure Tara will understand.
235
00:11:08,333 --> 00:11:10,960
- Have you got a girlfriend?
- No. You know that.
236
00:11:10,961 --> 00:11:13,069
Then you excuse me if I don't
give a shit what you think.
237
00:11:13,070 --> 00:11:15,523
You can share mine,
if you like, Si, I've got some tabs.
238
00:11:15,524 --> 00:11:17,513
What? Like LSD?
239
00:11:17,514 --> 00:11:19,417
Nah, I nicked my dad's
sleeping pills.
240
00:11:19,418 --> 00:11:22,734
Apparently, if you mix them
with Ribena, red wine and cough mixture,
241
00:11:22,735 --> 00:11:25,780
- it gives you a well good buzz.
- Is the buzz crippling stomach acid?
242
00:11:25,781 --> 00:11:29,045
Oh, yeah, it's good, that.
Mix in some Lucozade as well.
243
00:11:29,046 --> 00:11:30,996
Gives it a more crunchy buzz.
244
00:11:30,997 --> 00:11:33,788
Thanks, Neil, but Tara's expecting
me to have some puff, so I'm fucked
245
00:11:33,789 --> 00:11:36,343
- because someone is a bullshitter.
- Fucking hell!
246
00:11:36,344 --> 00:11:39,052
If you're going to be so menstrual,
I'll go and score some shit here.
247
00:11:39,053 --> 00:11:43,322
- Oh, yes, off you go to "score", Scarface.
- I will. You coming, Neil?
248
00:11:43,323 --> 00:11:46,507
Yeah, all right. Get us a
Ribena and wine, Si? Half and half.
249
00:11:46,508 --> 00:11:49,376
- It's got to be quite pacific.
- Specific.
250
00:11:49,377 --> 00:11:52,252
Fucking Simon, I have
to do everything for him.
251
00:11:52,253 --> 00:11:53,984
He'll probably want me to
bone that girl for him.
252
00:11:53,985 --> 00:11:56,788
- Show her how it's done properly.
- Exactly. So when you do it,
253
00:11:56,789 --> 00:12:00,204
- do you do more like bump or grind?
- What?
254
00:12:00,205 --> 00:12:02,577
I was just thinking about
whether it's best to bump or grind,
255
00:12:02,578 --> 00:12:05,929
cos you can only do one or the other,
when you think about it.
256
00:12:05,930 --> 00:12:08,657
Nah, not me, mate. I do both.
And I slap.
257
00:12:08,658 --> 00:12:11,204
- They all love a slap.
- You're not bullshitting me, are you?
258
00:12:11,205 --> 00:12:13,867
- Neil, come on, mate!
- Sorry. It's just you keep saying
259
00:12:13,868 --> 00:12:17,520
you can get loads of drugs, and so far
the only drugs you've got is tea...
260
00:12:17,521 --> 00:12:20,862
Neil, don't, all right?
Just don't. OK?
261
00:12:20,863 --> 00:12:23,841
I haven't scored any gear yet because
where am I supposed to get it from?
262
00:12:23,842 --> 00:12:28,242
My mate's in Afghanistan. I can't help that.
And there's no-one here dealing.
263
00:12:28,872 --> 00:12:30,903
What about him?
264
00:12:33,071 --> 00:12:36,462
Shit. Right. Yeah.
265
00:12:36,829 --> 00:12:38,921
- You going over, then?
- Yes.
266
00:12:38,922 --> 00:12:41,125
You'd better come too.
You know, as muscle.
267
00:12:41,126 --> 00:12:42,508
Right, cool.
268
00:12:42,509 --> 00:12:45,179
Look hard. This might get tasty.
269
00:12:48,779 --> 00:12:52,379
- Oh, can I have some gum?
- I ain't got any, I'm pretending.
270
00:12:53,485 --> 00:12:56,043
- All right, mate?
- All right?
271
00:12:56,044 --> 00:12:58,223
My mate wanted to say
something to you.
272
00:12:58,224 --> 00:12:59,470
Yeah?
273
00:12:59,736 --> 00:13:02,273
- Sort me out, geezer.
- What?
274
00:13:02,629 --> 00:13:04,981
Please sort me out, geezer?
275
00:13:05,196 --> 00:13:07,861
- I've got 20.
- So what? What do you want from me?
276
00:13:07,862 --> 00:13:09,849
You know, gear.
277
00:13:09,850 --> 00:13:12,271
Sweet Mary Jane. Ganja, man.
278
00:13:12,272 --> 00:13:15,497
Oh, so you want to buy drugs?
And you came to me. Why?
279
00:13:15,498 --> 00:13:17,581
- Well, cos we saw you...
- 'Cause I'm black?
280
00:13:17,582 --> 00:13:19,958
You saw a black guy at a gig
and thought, "Must be a drug dealer"?
281
00:13:19,959 --> 00:13:22,160
- No, we didn't...
- You fucking white boys are all the same.
282
00:13:22,161 --> 00:13:24,775
Scratch beneath the surface,
and you're racist.
283
00:13:24,776 --> 00:13:27,176
Yeah, that's right, I said it. Racist.
284
00:13:28,647 --> 00:13:32,272
- But have you got any drugs?
- Yes, I have, but that's not the point.
285
00:13:32,273 --> 00:13:36,169
The point is, you assumed
I had some just cos I'm black.
286
00:13:37,118 --> 00:13:40,319
- Could we buy some, please?
- Why should I deal to you?
287
00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:42,745
Why should I deal
to two little suburban racists who
288
00:13:42,746 --> 00:13:45,532
see me as some kind of stereotype?
I'm at university.
289
00:13:45,533 --> 00:13:48,001
- But you are a dealer as well?
- Yes, I do deal,
290
00:13:48,002 --> 00:13:50,369
- but you keep missing the point.
- Look,
291
00:13:50,370 --> 00:13:53,500
here's 30 quid.
Can we just have some puff?
292
00:13:53,501 --> 00:13:55,331
Yes, you can,
293
00:13:55,332 --> 00:13:58,661
but only because I'm a dealer,
not because I'm black.
294
00:13:58,662 --> 00:13:59,812
Now fuck off.
295
00:14:03,308 --> 00:14:05,099
Can you roll it up for us, please?
296
00:14:05,100 --> 00:14:07,839
If ever there was an advertisement
for drugs not being cool,
297
00:14:07,840 --> 00:14:09,684
Jay was it.
298
00:14:09,685 --> 00:14:13,078
My first gig was in full swing,
and as Simon searched for his date,
299
00:14:13,080 --> 00:14:14,757
I was enjoying it, in a way.
300
00:14:14,758 --> 00:14:17,521
Do you like the taste of beer?
I don't know if I do, actually.
301
00:14:17,522 --> 00:14:19,819
- What the fuck's this?
- What? Oh, hi.
302
00:14:19,820 --> 00:14:21,909
Didn't realise Pete Doherty
was coming along.
303
00:14:21,910 --> 00:14:25,290
- Is he?
- No, I mean you, you twat.
304
00:14:25,291 --> 00:14:28,273
- Oh, right, because of the hat?
- No, because you fucked Kate Moss.
305
00:14:28,274 --> 00:14:30,830
Obviously, it's the hat.
Hi, I'm Will.
306
00:14:30,831 --> 00:14:33,676
Are you the guy who
shit himself in the exam?
307
00:14:33,677 --> 00:14:37,746
Yep. Now, Tara, don't you think it's just cool
here? Great vibe, no need to drink too much
308
00:14:37,747 --> 00:14:40,970
or take anything to make it better.
Could not get better, could it?
309
00:14:40,971 --> 00:14:42,680
- Jay's sorted it.
- No way?
310
00:14:42,681 --> 00:14:45,840
Yep, no bullshit, he's totally done it.
The man even rolled one up for us.
311
00:14:45,841 --> 00:14:47,993
- Cool!
- Yeah, course.
312
00:14:47,994 --> 00:14:50,540
- He's waiting outside.
- I don't want to be a killjoy,
313
00:14:50,541 --> 00:14:53,031
but I just think you should remember
that what you're about to do is illegal.
314
00:14:53,032 --> 00:14:55,671
So's doing bombs in the
swimming pool, but I do that
315
00:14:55,672 --> 00:14:58,625
because it's fun, yeah?
Come on, Simon.
316
00:14:59,984 --> 00:15:02,413
Technically, that's not illegal.
317
00:15:02,414 --> 00:15:05,056
I didn't know which was worse:
That my friend was about to do drugs
318
00:15:05,057 --> 00:15:08,589
just to impress a girl,
or the smug look on Jay's face.
319
00:15:08,590 --> 00:15:10,973
- Here we go, boys and girls.
- Cool.
320
00:15:10,974 --> 00:15:12,661
- Nice.
- So you've actually got it, then?
321
00:15:12,662 --> 00:15:15,390
Look, when I say I'm gonna deliver,
I fucking deliver.
322
00:15:15,391 --> 00:15:17,879
- Like a postman with Tourette's.
- Right, who's first?
323
00:15:17,880 --> 00:15:19,770
- I've never done it before.
- Haven't you?
324
00:15:19,771 --> 00:15:21,770
No, go on, Simon, show me how.
325
00:15:21,771 --> 00:15:24,328
Maybe Jay should go first
because he sorted it. Only fair.
326
00:15:24,329 --> 00:15:26,795
Nah, I'm cool. Taking a breather.
327
00:15:26,796 --> 00:15:30,013
I smoked one the size of a parsnip
whilst I was waiting for you latecomers.
328
00:15:30,014 --> 00:15:32,020
Or maybe ladies first?
So that is you.
329
00:15:32,021 --> 00:15:34,547
No, I'm nervous! Go on.
330
00:15:35,021 --> 00:15:37,260
OK. All right, I suppose.
331
00:15:40,490 --> 00:15:44,426
I couldn't really blame Simon. If I thought
a fit girl like Tara might get off with me,
332
00:15:44,427 --> 00:15:47,227
I'd probably mainline
heroin into my eyeball.
333
00:15:49,563 --> 00:15:51,999
Great, that was really great.
Here you go.
334
00:15:52,000 --> 00:15:53,973
What? You didn't even inhale.
335
00:15:53,974 --> 00:15:57,143
You've got to take it right in
like a cigarette.
336
00:15:57,144 --> 00:15:59,023
Oh, yeah, I know.
337
00:15:59,024 --> 00:16:01,716
No, Sometimes I do it that way
cos it just gets your
338
00:16:01,717 --> 00:16:03,894
cheeks nicely stoned, but...
339
00:16:04,784 --> 00:16:07,030
I'll have a go your way.
340
00:16:15,833 --> 00:16:18,920
That definitely went in that time.
Right in the lungs.
341
00:16:18,921 --> 00:16:20,497
- Tara?
- Cool.
342
00:16:22,095 --> 00:16:25,707
How are your cheeks feeling now?
Have they got the munchies?
343
00:16:29,568 --> 00:16:32,486
- Can I have a go, please?
- Oh, right, sorry.
344
00:16:32,487 --> 00:16:34,978
This is cool. Just us here,
345
00:16:34,979 --> 00:16:36,551
smoking a foul doobie.
346
00:16:36,552 --> 00:16:40,805
Oh, yeah, hanging out by some bins
near a skip in the cold,
347
00:16:40,806 --> 00:16:45,034
doing drugs. Oh, it's very cool.
Very cool indeed.
348
00:16:46,823 --> 00:16:49,097
Yeah, that is good weed. Neil?
349
00:16:49,400 --> 00:16:51,352
No, I'm all right,
I've got my sleeping tabs.
350
00:16:51,353 --> 00:16:53,821
- What about the Ribena and wine?
- I had that earlier.
351
00:16:53,822 --> 00:16:56,134
It all gets mixed up in my tummy
anyway, so it should be all right.
352
00:16:56,135 --> 00:16:58,864
What about you, Just Say No?
Or are you still too scared?
353
00:16:58,865 --> 00:17:02,021
Oh, yes, I'm scared. Scared that you three
won't think I'm cool enough
354
00:17:02,022 --> 00:17:04,649
to hang out with any more.
Oh, no.
355
00:17:04,650 --> 00:17:06,984
Oh, no, Failsafe!
Shit, we can't miss them.
356
00:17:06,985 --> 00:17:09,052
No way, Jose!
357
00:17:09,995 --> 00:17:13,145
- Come on, then, guys.
- No, you're all right, Jose.
358
00:17:13,283 --> 00:17:14,844
I was questioning my beliefs.
359
00:17:14,845 --> 00:17:18,357
If winners don't do drugs,
how come Simon was off with lovely Tara
360
00:17:18,358 --> 00:17:21,695
whilst I was stuck with two morons,
half a lager and a bottle of cough syrup?
361
00:17:21,696 --> 00:17:24,716
I'm definitely feeling something now.
This is good weed.
362
00:17:24,717 --> 00:17:26,629
Might try and get a shipment in
for Glastonbury.
363
00:17:26,630 --> 00:17:29,689
Yes, I mean, it's the next logical step from
buying a small amount for you and a friend,
364
00:17:29,690 --> 00:17:33,339
- dealing to 70,000 people in a field.
- All right, all right. Keep it down.
365
00:17:33,340 --> 00:17:35,868
- You never know who's listening.
- Who?
366
00:17:35,869 --> 00:17:38,185
Old Bill, undercover bacon.
367
00:17:38,186 --> 00:17:41,563
These places are usually crawling with filth.
I've got to keep on my guard.
368
00:17:41,564 --> 00:17:44,715
I think I'm coming up.
How many singers are on stage?
369
00:17:44,716 --> 00:17:47,716
- It looks like five.
- Ask Professor Downer, he'll know.
370
00:17:47,717 --> 00:17:50,796
Just because you've had a puff on your
first joint doesn't make you Kurt Cobain.
371
00:17:50,797 --> 00:17:54,849
Look, if you want to be a mummy's boy, that's
fine. But stop trying to bring us down, man.
372
00:17:54,850 --> 00:17:57,384
Am I a mummy's boy because
I refuse to bow to peer pressure,
373
00:17:57,385 --> 00:18:00,196
- or am I in fact the opposite?
- You're a mummy's boy.
374
00:18:00,197 --> 00:18:02,607
Go on, petal, have a puff.
Show us you're not scared.
375
00:18:02,608 --> 00:18:06,471
I would, but I don't actually smoke because...
what's that thing you get when you smoke?
376
00:18:06,472 --> 00:18:08,613
- Sex?
- No, cancer, Neil.
377
00:18:08,614 --> 00:18:10,133
- Fine, eat it, then.
- I could do,
378
00:18:10,134 --> 00:18:13,785
but as I keep explaining, I have
no interest in getting, as you say, high.
379
00:18:13,786 --> 00:18:15,189
I feel brilliant.
380
00:18:15,190 --> 00:18:18,353
Well, from the outside you seem
basically the same, but a bit more boring.
381
00:18:18,354 --> 00:18:20,842
It's all right, Neil, he's scared.
382
00:18:20,843 --> 00:18:22,959
Course, scared.
383
00:18:23,251 --> 00:18:25,224
Give it here, then.
384
00:18:29,912 --> 00:18:33,457
Right, happy now? So you can shut up about
how you like to chase the bloody dragon.
385
00:18:33,458 --> 00:18:35,613
I've had some,
I feel fine, let's move on.
386
00:18:35,614 --> 00:18:38,648
Fucking hell, not all of it!
You've eaten all of it.
387
00:18:38,649 --> 00:18:42,183
Yes, so in my life I've had even more drugs
than you, and I still think it's pathetic.
388
00:18:42,184 --> 00:18:45,780
I told you to keep that on
the down-low. He looks federal.
389
00:18:47,066 --> 00:18:49,348
So while I tried to work out
what "federal" meant,
390
00:18:49,349 --> 00:18:51,946
Simon was experiencing
moshing for the first time,
391
00:18:51,947 --> 00:18:55,161
which is a bit like being
beaten up to music.
392
00:18:55,435 --> 00:18:57,590
This is so fucking cool!
393
00:18:57,681 --> 00:18:59,632
Yeah, fucking cool.
394
00:18:59,720 --> 00:19:01,383
Easy, mate.
395
00:19:02,315 --> 00:19:04,915
Bit aggressive, but cool.
396
00:19:04,916 --> 00:19:07,944
Simon, you've got to mosh,
or they'll crush you!
397
00:19:09,939 --> 00:19:12,410
Oh, right, that's what we do, is it?
398
00:19:14,053 --> 00:19:16,163
Are you all right, Tara?
399
00:19:16,767 --> 00:19:18,844
Oh, my nose!
400
00:19:19,660 --> 00:19:22,206
Back at my MENSA meeting,
things were starting to happen.
401
00:19:22,207 --> 00:19:23,974
Tuesday, then, yeah?
402
00:19:25,014 --> 00:19:26,818
Are you all right, Neil?
403
00:19:27,001 --> 00:19:29,455
- You're dribbling.
- Yeah, thanks.
404
00:19:29,456 --> 00:19:31,684
You can have it back Tuesday.
405
00:19:36,033 --> 00:19:39,763
When it came to killing off brain cells,
Neil had very little room for manoeuvre.
406
00:19:39,764 --> 00:19:42,543
Meanwhile, Tara being a
combination of stoned and concussed
407
00:19:42,544 --> 00:19:45,194
- was working in Simon's favour.
- Is your nose OK?
408
00:19:45,195 --> 00:19:47,654
My nose is OK, but I
still feel a bit queasy.
409
00:19:47,655 --> 00:19:50,920
If I see the bloke that
did it I'll... grrr, you know.
410
00:19:51,168 --> 00:19:52,799
You'll what?
411
00:19:53,479 --> 00:19:56,066
- Dunno.
- Did you say "grrr"?
412
00:19:56,206 --> 00:19:57,688
I think I did.
413
00:19:57,689 --> 00:19:59,585
I'll "grrrr"!
414
00:19:59,586 --> 00:20:02,394
- Like a tiger.
- I'm Tony the Tiger.
415
00:20:04,467 --> 00:20:05,793
More!
416
00:20:07,314 --> 00:20:10,649
I'm sure pretending to be a big cat
or a slow-moving robot
417
00:20:10,650 --> 00:20:12,714
wasn't the standard reaction
to doing drugs,
418
00:20:12,715 --> 00:20:15,605
but I would have taken either of those
over what was going on in my head.
419
00:20:15,606 --> 00:20:16,992
I don't want to sound mental,
420
00:20:16,993 --> 00:20:19,492
but I'm starting to feel
a bit like I'm in a bubble.
421
00:20:19,493 --> 00:20:23,056
Is this what being high is?
Do you feel like you're in a thick bubble?
422
00:20:23,057 --> 00:20:26,322
Nah, it's cool.
I feel pretty nice, like
423
00:20:26,323 --> 00:20:30,043
up but down but chilled
but ready to do it.
424
00:20:30,044 --> 00:20:33,148
Oh, God, this isn't good.
I feel unusual.
425
00:20:33,547 --> 00:20:36,358
Why did you let me eat it? Why?
426
00:20:36,359 --> 00:20:39,857
- My arms feel odd.
- Oh, just shut up, enjoy it.
427
00:20:39,858 --> 00:20:41,968
Jay, I think I'm going wrong.
428
00:20:41,969 --> 00:20:45,117
Time is going by really, really,
429
00:20:45,118 --> 00:20:47,918
really, really slowly.
430
00:20:48,195 --> 00:20:50,423
You need to call
an ambulance right now,
431
00:20:50,424 --> 00:20:53,885
because I can't use the phone. My arms
don't work, and my hands are sausages.
432
00:20:53,886 --> 00:20:56,462
- Fuck off.
- Jay, I'm serious.
433
00:20:56,463 --> 00:20:59,706
You feel miles away.
I think I might be dying.
434
00:21:00,019 --> 00:21:02,834
What if I'm a dead person?
Please call an ambulance.
435
00:21:02,835 --> 00:21:05,336
I can't call an ambulance,
because they'll bring the fucking police
436
00:21:05,337 --> 00:21:08,302
and I'll get done for dealing.
And with looks like this, if I go to prison
437
00:21:08,303 --> 00:21:11,180
- my anal virginity won't last a day.
- But...
438
00:21:12,528 --> 00:21:14,554
- my hands?
- I'm not calling an ambulance,
439
00:21:14,555 --> 00:21:17,017
so stop being a baby
and just ride it out.
440
00:21:17,018 --> 00:21:18,401
Oh, God.
441
00:21:22,092 --> 00:21:25,062
Neil, Neil! You've got to help me.
442
00:21:25,063 --> 00:21:28,372
Everything's going flat,
and I think I might be dead.
443
00:21:29,396 --> 00:21:32,175
Help me! I'm getting
random arm movements!
444
00:21:32,176 --> 00:21:35,437
Sleepy time. Sleepy time.
445
00:21:36,306 --> 00:21:39,341
So I couldn't rely on Neil,
but I knew one thing for sure:
446
00:21:39,342 --> 00:21:41,799
I had to stop my fucking arms.
447
00:21:47,174 --> 00:21:49,429
- Can I say something?
- I don't know, can you?
448
00:21:49,430 --> 00:21:51,454
You just did, so probably yes.
449
00:21:51,455 --> 00:21:54,211
OK, clever clogs,
can I do something?
450
00:21:54,212 --> 00:21:56,210
Depends what it is.
451
00:22:00,768 --> 00:22:02,957
Tara, what did you want to do?
452
00:22:03,345 --> 00:22:04,583
This.
453
00:22:20,038 --> 00:22:24,161
I feel sick. It's got to be the joint.
I shouldn't have done it.
454
00:22:24,162 --> 00:22:26,985
Right. Maybe stick your fingers
down your throat,
455
00:22:26,986 --> 00:22:29,095
try and get it all up,
and then we can go again?
456
00:22:29,096 --> 00:22:32,409
Yeah. I think I can make it
to the toilet. Don't move.
457
00:22:34,234 --> 00:22:37,124
Listen, Simon,
this is very important information.
458
00:22:37,125 --> 00:22:40,566
Call an ambulance,
and tell them I'm in a bubble
459
00:22:40,567 --> 00:22:43,175
- and everything is very flat.
- I'm a bit busy here, Will,
460
00:22:43,176 --> 00:22:46,080
- can you look after yourself?
- I can't stop my arms.
461
00:22:46,081 --> 00:22:48,581
Look how random my arms are.
462
00:22:49,094 --> 00:22:50,112
Help me!
463
00:22:50,113 --> 00:22:53,113
Look, I'm in here, Will.
Can you please fuck off?
464
00:22:53,615 --> 00:22:55,224
Didn't make it.
465
00:22:55,860 --> 00:22:59,554
I needed help. Jay was useless.
Neil was getting an early night,
466
00:22:59,555 --> 00:23:02,939
and Simon was too busy
licking vomit off Tara's tonsils.
467
00:23:04,081 --> 00:23:06,023
I really needed help.
468
00:23:06,024 --> 00:23:07,900
How could I get help?
469
00:23:11,081 --> 00:23:12,235
Hello.
470
00:23:12,709 --> 00:23:14,466
Hello, everyone.
471
00:23:14,962 --> 00:23:17,465
Can somebody call me an ambulance?
472
00:23:17,466 --> 00:23:19,489
Because I'm in trouble.
473
00:23:20,351 --> 00:23:24,365
Time is moving really, really
slowly,
474
00:23:24,721 --> 00:23:26,855
and everything is flat.
475
00:23:27,675 --> 00:23:30,049
I need you to call me an ambulance,
476
00:23:30,182 --> 00:23:33,464
or failing that, my mummy.
477
00:23:34,273 --> 00:23:37,349
I really want my mummy because,
478
00:23:37,454 --> 00:23:39,528
and I'm not being dramatic,
479
00:23:39,852 --> 00:23:42,658
but I think I might be dead.
480
00:23:43,769 --> 00:23:45,075
Is that clear?
481
00:23:45,076 --> 00:23:47,878
Mummy, or ambulance.
482
00:23:48,352 --> 00:23:50,830
I don't remember the details
of that night especially well,
483
00:23:50,831 --> 00:23:53,036
but I do know that despite
their love of violence,
484
00:23:53,037 --> 00:23:55,526
the bouncers were
surprisingly kind to me,
485
00:23:55,527 --> 00:23:58,279
which could only mean
I looked proper mental.
486
00:23:58,280 --> 00:24:02,232
- Are you sure it was just cannabis you took?
- I ate it. I'm really sorry.
487
00:24:02,233 --> 00:24:03,909
Is my mummy coming?
488
00:24:03,910 --> 00:24:06,910
- Can you make my arms stop?
- We'll do our best.
489
00:24:08,585 --> 00:24:10,625
- Whagwan?
- Someone called an ambulance,
490
00:24:10,626 --> 00:24:14,246
- and they're taking him away.
- Oh, fucking Jesus, oh, no.
491
00:24:14,247 --> 00:24:16,402
It wasn't me that sold it, right?
Not me.
492
00:24:16,403 --> 00:24:19,280
- Oh, shit, the blue lights.
- It's an ambulance.
493
00:24:19,281 --> 00:24:21,631
That's what they want you to believe!
494
00:24:22,348 --> 00:24:25,497
It had been a week of firsts.
Our first gig.
495
00:24:25,498 --> 00:24:27,864
Our first drugs.
The first time we had to admit
496
00:24:27,865 --> 00:24:30,176
Jay had delivered on
one of his bullshit claims.
497
00:24:30,177 --> 00:24:33,216
Simon's first actual girlfriend.
And the first time
498
00:24:33,217 --> 00:24:37,817
I spent two days in bed silently crying
and trying to make the walls stop moving.
499
00:24:40,728 --> 00:24:45,728
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