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1
00:00:20,960 --> 00:00:23,474
My name is Will McKenzie
2
00:00:23,560 --> 00:00:26,632
and my first year in state education
has been an unqualified success.
3
00:00:26,720 --> 00:00:29,712
And by unqualified,
I mean I failed all my exams.
4
00:00:29,800 --> 00:00:32,314
Thatsaid, Ihavemadethreefriends.
5
00:00:32,400 --> 00:00:34,118
Yep, threewhoiefriendsinoneyear.
6
00:00:34,200 --> 00:00:36,760
Andthey'rethesortoffriends
everyoneshouldhave-
7
00:00:36,840 --> 00:00:39,400
ones that are so tragic,
they almost make someone like me...
8
00:00:39,480 --> 00:00:40,754
Feisty one, you arel
9
00:00:40,840 --> 00:00:44,116
...look normal. But things were
going to be dilferent this year.
10
00:00:44,200 --> 00:00:46,350
For one, Jay could now drive,
meaning we had a choice
11
00:00:46,440 --> 00:00:49,113
ofwhichshit, embarrassingnr
wegotalilttoschoolin.
12
00:00:49,200 --> 00:00:52,476
Simon's was more yellow,
but Jay's was more dangerous.
13
00:00:52,560 --> 00:00:54,915
Morning, benders.
Jump in the Minge-Mobile.
14
00:00:55,000 --> 00:00:56,831
Strange thing to all your mum's our.
15
00:00:58,720 --> 00:01:02,235
Jay driving us to scth
really did make me feel like royalty.
16
00:01:02,320 --> 00:01:05,517
Unfortunately, the royalty
I felt like was Princess Diana.
17
00:01:05,600 --> 00:01:07,192
- Roundabout, Jayl
- (HORN BLARES)
18
00:01:07,280 --> 00:01:08,918
Give way to the fucking Iettl
19
00:01:09,000 --> 00:01:11,195
Stupid old bint.
20
00:01:11,280 --> 00:01:13,874
- I think it's the light, mate.
- Is it?
21
00:01:13,960 --> 00:01:15,837
Oh, wait, yeah, that does sound familiar.
22
00:01:15,920 --> 00:01:17,035
What's that in your ear?
23
00:01:17,120 --> 00:01:19,554
Oh, it's a piercing.
It's just a stud for now, but my dad's
24
00:01:19,640 --> 00:01:21,870
- mining me a diamond to put in it.
- Cool.
25
00:01:21,960 --> 00:01:23,791
Hang on, have you had
the let! ear pierced?
26
00:01:24,920 --> 00:01:26,592
Isn‘t that the one you get pierced
to show you're gay?
27
00:01:26,680 --> 00:01:27,954
Fuck om
28
00:01:28,040 --> 00:01:28,995
Oh, yeah, that is the gay one.
29
00:01:29,080 --> 00:01:31,674
Well, there's a quick way to tell, Neil -
which ear has your dad got pierced?
30
00:01:31,760 --> 00:01:32,795
Neither, cos he's not bent.
31
00:01:32,880 --> 00:01:35,678
- Course not. WiII, which ears gay?
- I'm the last person to ask.
32
00:01:35,760 --> 00:01:37,079
I thought you knew everything?
33
00:01:37,160 --> 00:01:39,594
I don‘t know any men who've had their ears
pierced cos I went to a private school.
34
00:01:39,680 --> 00:01:41,113
Why have you had that done anyway?
35
00:01:41,200 --> 00:01:42,713
Well, I like to keep my look fresh.
36
00:01:42,800 --> 00:01:45,678
Plus I'll probably need it
for the fashion show tomorrow.
37
00:01:45,760 --> 00:01:47,318
Oh, yes, the scth charity fashion show.
38
00:01:47,400 --> 00:01:50,631
Where only people deemed good-looking
enough by other good-looking people
39
00:01:50,720 --> 00:01:51,914
get to take part and raise money.
40
00:01:52,000 --> 00:01:54,468
- There's going to be special guests.
- Special guests?
41
00:01:54,560 --> 00:01:56,198
Oh, I wonder who that's going to be(|)
42
00:01:56,280 --> 00:01:58,794
Maybe Beyonce and Jay-Z? The Obamas?
43
00:01:58,880 --> 00:02:01,075
Look, I don‘t give a shit
what you think about it,
44
00:02:01,160 --> 00:02:03,879
bwause when I'm up there modelling,
I'll have my pick of the snatch.
45
00:02:03,960 --> 00:02:05,632
Everyone knows
male models get all the pussy.
46
00:02:05,720 --> 00:02:07,438
I didn‘t know
they asked you to model, Jay.
47
00:02:07,520 --> 00:02:08,475
They haven‘t yet.
They haven‘t asked anyone.
48
00:02:08,560 --> 00:02:09,709
I think they have.
49
00:02:09,800 --> 00:02:11,472
I'm telling you they haven‘t,
cos no-one's asked me.
50
00:02:11,560 --> 00:02:12,515
But it‘s tomorrow.
51
00:02:12,600 --> 00:02:14,352
Are you deal? I've not been asked.
52
00:02:14,440 --> 00:02:17,830
I'd be the first in line for
any modelling work Look at me.
53
00:02:17,920 --> 00:02:19,035
WeII, IVe been asked.
54
00:02:19,120 --> 00:02:20,712
Fuck ofil
55
00:02:20,800 --> 00:02:22,836
Oarli's one of the organisers
and she's asked me to model.
56
00:02:22,920 --> 00:02:25,115
You? Who wants a model
that looks like a spotty baby
57
00:02:25,200 --> 00:02:26,713
crossed with the Statue of Liberty?
58
00:02:26,800 --> 00:02:27,755
Statue of Liberty?
59
00:02:27,840 --> 00:02:29,068
- His hair.
- Oh, yeah.
60
00:02:29,160 --> 00:02:32,357
WILL:ItwashardtolmowwhereJay
gottheideaheshouldbeamalemodel.
61
00:02:32,440 --> 00:02:33,668
Itseemedlikeitjuststemmedfrom
62
00:02:33,760 --> 00:02:35,637
a sense of thinking
Simon was spectacularly ugly.
63
00:02:35,720 --> 00:02:37,915
Seriously, what clothes are going to
look better on you than me?
64
00:02:38,000 --> 00:02:40,036
Apart from a paper bag
for your fucking head.
65
00:02:40,120 --> 00:02:41,872
Brilliant.
Shall we give it a rest now, Jay?
66
00:02:41,960 --> 00:02:44,872
Good morning. Shut up
and let‘s get this over with.
67
00:02:44,960 --> 00:02:48,475
Right. Wait a minute.
Cartwright, what is that?
68
00:02:48,560 --> 00:02:50,790
It‘s a stud, sir,
and I don‘t mean the earring.
69
00:02:50,880 --> 00:02:53,474
Take it out, or I will rip it out.
70
00:02:53,560 --> 00:02:55,471
But...what about my human rights?
71
00:02:55,560 --> 00:02:59,109
You have to be human for those
to apply, Cartwright. Out, now.
72
00:02:59,200 --> 00:03:02,795
Right, I'm sure that most of you
will remember Alastair Scott.
73
00:03:02,880 --> 00:03:04,359
- Yes, Sutherland.
- I don‘t.
74
00:03:04,440 --> 00:03:05,714
You sat next to him in registration
for four years.
75
00:03:05,800 --> 00:03:06,835
0h, Alastairl
76
00:03:06,920 --> 00:03:10,356
WeII, thankfully, after a tough year,
they found a donor
77
00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:11,919
and he's finally on the mend.
78
00:03:12,000 --> 00:03:15,310
In preparation for his return to school,
he's coming in at lunchtime
79
00:03:15,400 --> 00:03:17,391
to answer any questions
you may have about his illness...
80
00:03:17,480 --> 00:03:20,278
- Yes, Sutherland?
- Can I catch it?
81
00:03:20,360 --> 00:03:22,510
No, you cannot catch kidney failure.
82
00:03:22,600 --> 00:03:25,273
McKenzie, my office, ten minutes.
83
00:03:26,320 --> 00:03:27,639
What‘s Gilbert want?
84
00:03:27,720 --> 00:03:29,950
Probably wants me to act as
a chaperone for that Alastair kid.
85
00:03:30,040 --> 00:03:32,395
Poor guy -
imagine what he's been through.
86
00:03:32,480 --> 00:03:34,232
- He's a dick
- JayI
87
00:03:34,320 --> 00:03:36,550
What? He is a dick
I never liked him when he was well,
88
00:03:36,640 --> 00:03:39,359
I never liked him when he was ill, I don‘t
like him now he's getting better. Simples.
89
00:03:39,440 --> 00:03:41,237
- on, he was all right.
- He wasn‘tl
90
00:03:41,320 --> 00:03:43,788
He was a complete bell-end.
He was worse than Briefcase.
91
00:03:43,880 --> 00:03:44,949
Thanks very much.
92
00:03:45,040 --> 00:03:48,032
Look he's had a hugely traumatic time.
Maybe he's changed.
93
00:03:48,120 --> 00:03:49,838
He's not going to have got
more interesting in a hospital bed
94
00:03:49,920 --> 00:03:51,194
attached to a drip for a year, is he?
95
00:03:51,280 --> 00:03:53,669
What a sympathetic view
of a life-threatening iIIness(I)
96
00:03:53,760 --> 00:03:55,796
And he used to stink I'm not going.
97
00:03:55,880 --> 00:03:57,393
Oh, come on, Jay,
there might be sausage rolls.
98
00:03:57,480 --> 00:03:58,833
Why would there be sausage rolls?
99
00:03:58,920 --> 00:04:00,239
We had sausage rolls
when my nan died.
100
00:04:00,320 --> 00:04:02,038
- He's not dead, Neil.
- Isn‘t he?
101
00:04:02,120 --> 00:04:04,031
They still might have sausage rolls,
though.
102
00:04:04,120 --> 00:04:07,954
Fine, fuck it, I'll come.
But I'm warning you, he's a dick
103
00:04:08,040 --> 00:04:09,996
WILL: If Jay thought Alastair was a dick,
he was almost certainly
104
00:04:10,080 --> 00:04:12,310
a nice bloke. Unlike Mr Gilbert.
105
00:04:12,400 --> 00:04:15,631
- You wanted to see me, sir?
- 'Want“ is an overstatement.
106
00:04:15,720 --> 00:04:18,393
I'm putting you in charge of collecting
the money for tomorrovfs fashion show.
107
00:04:18,480 --> 00:04:21,438
Last time we had a collection for charity,
nearly half the money went missing,
108
00:04:21,520 --> 00:04:24,114
then the organisers started
turning up in new trainers.
109
00:04:24,200 --> 00:04:26,589
WeII, sir, whilst I'm really pleased
that you think I'm trustworthy...
110
00:04:26,680 --> 00:04:28,159
Oh, it's not that.
111
00:04:28,240 --> 00:04:31,596
I just know that if anything did happen,
I could break you.
112
00:04:31,680 --> 00:04:35,559
Right. Well, the thing is, I object to
the fashion show on a moral level.
113
00:04:35,640 --> 00:04:37,039
I'm sorry?
114
00:04:37,120 --> 00:04:39,190
It‘s not about raising money,
it‘s a popularity parade.
115
00:04:39,280 --> 00:04:41,635
It‘s just the self-elected
attractive people
116
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using charity as an excuse to show off.
117
00:04:44,000 --> 00:04:46,070
Well, this is a first.
118
00:04:46,160 --> 00:04:47,798
As it happens, McKenzie, I agree with you.
119
00:04:47,880 --> 00:04:49,279
- You do?
- YesI
120
00:04:49,360 --> 00:04:52,352
Greatl So you understand why
I'd rather not compromise my principles.
121
00:04:52,440 --> 00:04:53,555
Yes I do, totally.
122
00:04:53,640 --> 00:04:56,279
Unfortunately for you,
it‘s not the First World War.
123
00:04:56,360 --> 00:04:58,032
You can‘t conscientiously object.
124
00:04:58,120 --> 00:05:01,556
So, you either collect the money,
or it‘s detention,
125
00:05:01,640 --> 00:05:04,552
starting now and continuing indefinitely.
126
00:05:04,640 --> 00:05:06,756
But...you said you agreed with me.
127
00:05:06,840 --> 00:05:09,229
Yes, I know.
It‘s a tricky one, isn‘t it?
128
00:05:09,320 --> 00:05:13,518
0K, fine, I'll do it. But I'm still
nercising my right to protest.
129
00:05:13,600 --> 00:05:17,388
Good. Just make sure it‘s not
a dirty protest like the last one.
130
00:05:18,720 --> 00:05:21,951
WILL: Just as a stopped clock
gives the correct time twice a day,
131
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once a term, Neil gets something right.
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Told you there'd be sausage rolls.
133
00:05:27,000 --> 00:05:30,310
- Look at him, flicking milking it.
- Jay, he's in a wheelchair.
134
00:05:30,400 --> 00:05:32,914
- He was always a bit lazy, though.
- I don‘t think it‘s that, Neil.
135
00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:34,069
Why is Oarli finding him so funny?
136
00:05:34,800 --> 00:05:37,917
I mean, what can he be saying
that‘s so funny? He was never funny.
137
00:05:38,000 --> 00:05:42,278
Um, excuse me, everyone,
quiet, I want to talk
138
00:05:42,360 --> 00:05:45,909
I wanted to say super thanks to everyone
139
00:05:46,000 --> 00:05:49,151
who's given up their time to take part
in the fashion show tomorrow
140
00:05:49,240 --> 00:05:52,232
to raise money for a new
dialysis machine for St Margaret‘s.
141
00:05:52,320 --> 00:05:54,834
Especially all the sexy girls.
142
00:05:58,000 --> 00:05:59,399
Did he just say "super thanks"?
143
00:05:59,480 --> 00:06:01,835
Nobody told me
we was raising money for that twat.
144
00:06:01,920 --> 00:06:03,478
I might think twice
about modelling tomorrow.
145
00:06:03,560 --> 00:06:05,755
- You're not modelling anyway.
- It‘s going to be a gash-a-rama.
146
00:06:05,840 --> 00:06:08,638
I'm going to try getting a job
helping out backstage,
147
00:06:08,720 --> 00:06:11,234
so that way I'll get to see some
close-up fiange, but for charity.
148
00:06:11,320 --> 00:06:13,470
CARLI: Hi, Simon. You coming to
the rehearsal after school?
149
00:06:13,560 --> 00:06:15,471
- Yeah, course.
- WILL: How much rehearsal does it take
150
00:06:15,560 --> 00:06:17,710
to walk up and down in a straight line
wearing clothes?
151
00:06:17,800 --> 00:06:20,951
- It‘s more for timings and stufi, really.
- Do you need any helpers, Oarli?
152
00:06:21,040 --> 00:06:23,918
0h, brilliant, we do, actually.
Hardly anyone has volunteered,
153
00:06:24,000 --> 00:06:25,672
and we need people
to help get the models dressed.
154
00:06:25,760 --> 00:06:27,796
Christ, I knew they were stupid,
can‘t they even dress themselves?
155
00:06:27,880 --> 00:06:29,108
It‘s for the quick changes, actually.
156
00:06:29,200 --> 00:06:32,112
Whip one outfit ofi and another one on.
If you're sure you don‘t mind, NeiI?
157
00:06:32,200 --> 00:06:33,792
- Are you joking?
- Great, thanks.
158
00:06:33,880 --> 00:06:36,792
ALASTAIR: Hey, guys, everybody cool?
159
00:06:36,880 --> 00:06:39,075
HiI I'm Will, by the way.
I'm relatively new.
160
00:06:39,160 --> 00:06:41,037
Are you the kid
who shit himself in the urn?
161
00:06:41,120 --> 00:06:43,554
Nice to meet you, too.
Now, I was wondering if you and I
162
00:06:43,640 --> 00:06:45,756
could have a little chat about
some other ways to raise money,
163
00:06:45,840 --> 00:06:49,037
ways that could include everyone,
the whole school, whatever they look like?
164
00:06:49,120 --> 00:06:52,078
Yeah, could do,
only you're not as pretty as Oarli,
165
00:06:52,160 --> 00:06:55,152
so I think right now, I'm going to go
and chat to her, yeah? See ya.
166
00:06:55,240 --> 00:06:56,912
- Oarli? Oarlil
- Dick
167
00:06:57,000 --> 00:07:00,675
You don‘t think him and Oarli are...
Nah, nah.
168
00:07:00,760 --> 00:07:02,273
If they are,
I bet he's "wheely" good at it.
169
00:07:02,360 --> 00:07:04,237
- Brilliant(l)
- I'm going to have to go.
170
00:07:04,320 --> 00:07:06,356
I've got a missed call from Ralph Lauren.
171
00:07:06,440 --> 00:07:08,510
Didn‘t even ring, did it?
172
00:07:08,600 --> 00:07:10,670
I'm well excited. Imagine the birds
I'll get to see as a dresser.
173
00:07:10,760 --> 00:07:12,557
It‘s not top international models, Neil,
174
00:07:12,640 --> 00:07:14,870
it‘s just a load of the girls from scth
that you see every day.
175
00:07:14,960 --> 00:07:17,793
Yeah, but I think I'd fancy them
a lot more if I saw them naked.
176
00:07:17,880 --> 00:07:20,952
WILL: I'll say this forNeil,
at least his ambitions were simple -
177
00:07:21,040 --> 00:07:24,077
see tits and/or fanny.
Jay's were a lot more unrealistic.
178
00:07:24,160 --> 00:07:27,630
- Er, Oarli, can I have a word?
- I'm a bit busy. What‘s up?
179
00:07:27,720 --> 00:07:30,280
I was just wondering if you needed
any more models for tomorrow.
180
00:07:30,360 --> 00:07:31,315
No, we're fine.
181
00:07:31,400 --> 00:07:34,233
Good, good. I don‘t know if you noticed,
but I've had my ear pierced.
182
00:07:34,320 --> 00:07:35,514
0h, right.
183
00:07:35,600 --> 00:07:37,830
So do you think you could
fit one more in novn
184
00:07:37,920 --> 00:07:40,229
Well, no, bwause we've only got
a certain amount of clothes.
185
00:07:40,320 --> 00:07:43,118
I could wear my own clothes.
186
00:07:43,200 --> 00:07:44,269
We're probably 0K.
187
00:07:44,360 --> 00:07:46,237
So I'm like first reserve, then?
188
00:07:46,320 --> 00:07:49,869
Well, we haven‘t really got
any reserves, so, sort of, no.
189
00:07:49,960 --> 00:07:52,076
Cool, cool, cool. Simples.
190
00:07:52,160 --> 00:07:53,673
How about a free ticket instead?
191
00:07:53,760 --> 00:07:56,911
Well, it‘s for charity,
so there aren‘t really any free tickets.
192
00:07:57,000 --> 00:07:59,514
Yeah, nice one, earls.
I'II catch you later, yeah?
193
00:07:59,600 --> 00:08:01,431
WILL: So Jay had a size zero chance
of becoming a model,
194
00:08:01,520 --> 00:08:05,308
but Simon was practising hard.
Simon's my best friend.
195
00:08:05,400 --> 00:08:08,233
Thisblokeismybestfrr'end.
196
00:08:09,080 --> 00:08:12,197
What the fuck do you think you're doing?
Spying on me?
197
00:08:12,280 --> 00:08:14,874
Spying, is that how you get your kicks?
198
00:08:14,960 --> 00:08:16,996
It‘s all right. It‘s just I think
we've found the new David Beckham.
199
00:08:17,080 --> 00:08:20,629
Right, that‘s it. That is it.
I'm sick of you people.
200
00:08:20,720 --> 00:08:22,870
- I'm leaving.
- You're not going out now,
201
00:08:22,960 --> 00:08:24,791
- you've got scth tomorrow.
- Yeah, run away at the weekend
202
00:08:24,880 --> 00:08:27,269
- when you've got your car back
- Well, I'm not spending
203
00:08:27,360 --> 00:08:29,635
another smond in this house
with you utter twatsl
204
00:08:29,720 --> 00:08:31,438
Where are you going? Paris, or Milan?
205
00:08:31,520 --> 00:08:32,999
Fuck ofil
206
00:08:35,920 --> 00:08:37,239
He's just like Naomi Campbell.
207
00:08:37,320 --> 00:08:39,754
WILL: So Simon was well on his way
to becoming a supermodel.
208
00:08:39,840 --> 00:08:41,432
He had the temperament -
209
00:08:41,520 --> 00:08:44,557
now all he needed was bulimia
and a ccccine addiction.
210
00:08:44,640 --> 00:08:47,473
Thenextnightwasthefashionshow
andlrealised in myroleasdoonnan,
211
00:08:47,560 --> 00:08:50,438
I had the perfect opportunity
to ruin everything foreveryone.
212
00:08:50,520 --> 00:08:53,318
I'm not saying don‘t give to charity -
do give to charity.
213
00:08:53,400 --> 00:08:55,755
I'm just saying you ccn give without
supporting this egotisticcl vanity-fest.
214
00:08:55,840 --> 00:08:57,592
My daughter is one of the models.
215
00:08:57,680 --> 00:08:59,989
- Then you've failed her.
- What?l
216
00:09:00,080 --> 00:09:02,594
God. £5, please.
217
00:09:04,200 --> 00:09:07,112
Will, I think it‘s so great you're
helping out. I knew you'd come round.
218
00:09:07,200 --> 00:09:08,155
I haven‘t come roundI
219
00:09:08,240 --> 00:09:11,118
I still feel ulctly the same
about this sham popularity parade.
220
00:09:11,200 --> 00:09:13,873
You're being such an arseI
What is wrong with you?
221
00:09:13,960 --> 00:09:17,077
Alastair nearly died. GodI
222
00:09:17,160 --> 00:09:19,310
- OarIiI What did you say to her?
- Nothing.
223
00:09:19,400 --> 00:09:22,676
- Maybe a small dose of the truth.
- WiII, seriously.
224
00:09:22,760 --> 00:09:25,035
You have to stop cock-blocking
with all this principled shit.
225
00:09:25,120 --> 00:09:28,510
Simon, if Nelson Mandela hadn‘t stood up
for his beliefs, where would we be novn
226
00:09:28,600 --> 00:09:30,158
We wouldn‘t have Nelson's Column,
for a start.
227
00:09:30,240 --> 00:09:31,389
Yes, we would.
228
00:09:31,480 --> 00:09:32,959
I'd better have a piss before this starts.
229
00:09:33,040 --> 00:09:34,109
And a poo, Si?
230
00:09:34,200 --> 00:09:35,394
What have you done?
231
00:09:35,480 --> 00:09:37,630
- It‘s my new look
- What, the Pat Butcher look?
232
00:09:37,720 --> 00:09:39,790
- I'd say more Pirates Of The Caribbean.
- ExactIyI
233
00:09:39,880 --> 00:09:41,472
If the pirates shopped at Matalan.
234
00:09:41,560 --> 00:09:44,472
You won‘t be laughing when I'm getting
all the pussy cos I'm up on the catwalk
235
00:09:44,560 --> 00:09:46,551
You're not going to be on the catwaIkI
You aren‘t modelling.
236
00:09:46,640 --> 00:09:48,517
- I'm first reserve.
- What, in case the models
237
00:09:48,600 --> 00:09:50,670
fancy themselves so much
they actually eat themselves?
238
00:09:50,760 --> 00:09:52,159
Ah, you would if you could, though.
239
00:09:52,240 --> 00:09:54,151
- What?
- Suck yourself off.
240
00:09:54,240 --> 00:09:55,878
That‘s not what I meant.
241
00:09:55,960 --> 00:09:57,791
Yeah, but I bet you've tried it.
We all have.
242
00:09:57,880 --> 00:10:00,394
I managed to lick the tip once,
but it took a lot of stretching -
243
00:10:00,480 --> 00:10:02,516
- twice a day for a couple of weeks.
- Well, thanks for sharing, NeiI.
244
00:10:02,600 --> 00:10:04,238
Right, I've got to go.
I'm desperate for a piss.
245
00:10:04,320 --> 00:10:06,550
Neil may have had
dirty stretching powers,
246
00:10:06,640 --> 00:10:09,279
but what he really needed
was X-ray vision.
247
00:10:09,360 --> 00:10:10,429
Oh, what the fuck is this?
248
00:10:10,520 --> 00:10:11,509
It‘s a curtain.
249
00:10:11,600 --> 00:10:12,874
Where's all the birds?
250
00:10:12,960 --> 00:10:14,473
I thought it‘d be
wall-to-waII poontang in here.
251
00:10:14,560 --> 00:10:16,073
Presumably they‘re
on the other side of the curtain.
252
00:10:16,160 --> 00:10:18,230
Why have they done that?
We ccn‘t see them getting undressed.
253
00:10:18,320 --> 00:10:19,435
For that acct reason, NeiI.
254
00:10:19,520 --> 00:10:21,158
0h, flicking bollocl 00:10:24,232
That‘s a spanner to my plan.
There's got to be a hole.
256
00:10:24,320 --> 00:10:27,790
- You're meant to get my clothes ready.
- I think this is a bit more importantl
257
00:10:27,880 --> 00:10:30,440
- Are you ready to go, Simon?
- Yeah, nearly ready.
258
00:10:30,520 --> 00:10:32,750
Great. We're having an after-party
in the common room later.
259
00:10:32,840 --> 00:10:34,671
Mark Donovan's got some booze,
so you'll come to that, yeah?
260
00:10:34,760 --> 00:10:36,671
Yeah, obviously. Amazing.
261
00:10:39,400 --> 00:10:42,437
I was washing my hands
and it splashed back onto my lap.
262
00:10:42,520 --> 00:10:44,988
It‘s fine. Just make sure
everything is spotless for the runway.
263
00:10:45,080 --> 00:10:46,479
I'm really sorry.
264
00:10:46,560 --> 00:10:49,438
It‘s OK. I've got to run - there's
still a million things to deal with.
265
00:10:49,520 --> 00:10:51,715
on, Me“? Do you know
which boys you're dressing?
266
00:10:51,800 --> 00:10:53,597
Boys? I thought
I was dressing the girls.
267
00:10:54,840 --> 00:10:57,559
No, of course notI
You and Mr Kennedy are dressing the boys.
268
00:10:57,640 --> 00:10:59,790
You were the only volunteers.
See you later.
269
00:10:59,880 --> 00:11:01,074
NEIL: Oh, no.
270
00:11:01,160 --> 00:11:04,948
Paedo Kennedy? I suppose
at least ifyou run out ofspace,
271
00:11:05,040 --> 00:11:07,315
you'll be able to hang the clothes
on the end of his erect cock
272
00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:11,234
So, no naked girls for Neil.
Just a sexual predator in a waistcoat.
273
00:11:11,560 --> 00:11:12,913
Meanwhile, I was having difiiculty
274
00:11:13,000 --> 00:11:15,070
convincing proud parents
to join my boycott.
275
00:11:15,160 --> 00:11:16,229
Charity, not vanityI
276
00:11:16,320 --> 00:11:17,309
HeIIo, stranger.
277
00:11:17,400 --> 00:11:18,992
- Charlottel
- Hi.
278
00:11:19,080 --> 00:11:21,036
Charlotte. HereI
279
00:11:21,120 --> 00:11:22,269
Yeah, good spot(|)
280
00:11:22,360 --> 00:11:25,397
YesI HaI NoI
I mean, what are you doing here?
281
00:11:25,480 --> 00:11:27,675
Well, I had a reading week
so I thought I'd come home.
282
00:11:27,760 --> 00:11:30,354
I didn‘t know this was your
sort of thing. You know, fashion.
283
00:11:30,440 --> 00:11:31,509
Oh, it‘s not. I think it‘s shit
284
00:11:31,600 --> 00:11:33,556
and everyone taking part
is a vain, talentless twat.
285
00:11:33,640 --> 00:11:36,393
- I'm in it.
- Apart from you. And maybe Si.
286
00:11:36,480 --> 00:11:39,358
HaI Why did no-one tell me
you were in it?
287
00:11:39,440 --> 00:11:41,908
I didn‘t know if I could make it,
so they put me down as a special guest,
288
00:11:42,000 --> 00:11:44,639
or something really embanassing just cos
I once did some catalogue modelling.
289
00:11:44,720 --> 00:11:46,756
- Underwear?
- No.
290
00:11:46,840 --> 00:11:48,478
You are going to come and watch me,
though, aren‘t you?
291
00:11:48,560 --> 00:11:50,437
Even though I'm a "talentless twat“?
292
00:11:50,520 --> 00:11:53,557
0h, yeahI No, I was only joking.
Oh, yeah - I'm really behind
293
00:11:53,640 --> 00:11:55,790
this whole thing,
taking the money, helping set it up...
294
00:11:55,880 --> 00:11:57,313
Why are you trying to ruin
this event, McKenzie?
295
00:11:57,400 --> 00:11:59,197
- Good timing.
- Do you think kidney patients like me
296
00:11:59,280 --> 00:12:00,713
should die? Is that it?
297
00:12:00,800 --> 00:12:02,472
Nah, come on, mate.
That‘s a bit extreme.
298
00:12:02,560 --> 00:12:04,755
Is he trying to stop
you coming in too?
299
00:12:04,840 --> 00:12:07,912
- No, I'm one of the models.
- Oh, you must be Charlotte.
300
00:12:08,000 --> 00:12:11,470
Ah, wovmeroonyl HuhI
301
00:12:11,560 --> 00:12:14,711
Are you aware this weasel's trying to
stop people giving money to charity?
302
00:12:14,800 --> 00:12:17,519
- Will?
- No, that‘s not...entire|y correct.
303
00:12:17,600 --> 00:12:19,989
Alastair, why don‘t we go and have
a chat about this somewhere different, eh?
304
00:12:20,080 --> 00:12:21,274
No, let‘s talk about it here.
305
00:12:21,360 --> 00:12:22,873
Wasn‘t a request.
See you later, Charlottel
306
00:12:22,960 --> 00:12:25,713
What are you doing?
Are you trying to wheel me away?
307
00:12:25,800 --> 00:12:28,598
This thing's got brakes, you know.
You ccn‘t just roII me ofil
308
00:12:28,680 --> 00:12:30,432
- You're trying to sabotage...
- # Baa-daa baa-doc... #
309
00:12:30,520 --> 00:12:33,114
I won‘t stand for it.
# Boo-doc boo-doc baa... #
310
00:12:33,200 --> 00:12:36,749
I won‘t stand for it. I won‘t have it...
# Boo-bIa-da ba-boo... #
311
00:12:36,840 --> 00:12:39,752
This is my special day
and you're trying to ruin itI
312
00:12:39,840 --> 00:12:41,637
I'm going to go and get ready.
313
00:12:43,120 --> 00:12:45,714
I think I got avrray with that. Brilliant.
314
00:12:45,800 --> 00:12:47,950
No, ofcourse I hadn'tgotaway with it.
315
00:12:48,040 --> 00:12:50,349
Backstage, Simon's big moment
had almost arrived
316
00:12:50,440 --> 00:12:52,271
- and Neil didn't give a shit.
- Neil, give me a hand, please.
317
00:12:52,360 --> 00:12:54,032
0h, mate, this is like torturel
318
00:12:54,120 --> 00:12:55,439
I've spent the last week thinking about
319
00:12:55,520 --> 00:12:56,794
- the snatches back there.
- I'm in a rush, NeiI.
320
00:12:56,880 --> 00:12:59,553
I reckon Sarah Bell's got
lovely nipples, and I bet
321
00:12:59,640 --> 00:13:01,835
- Jo Larken shaves her pubes.
- GIRL: We ccn hear you, you pervertI
322
00:13:01,920 --> 00:13:04,434
- Who said that?
- It‘s only a curtain. We ccn hear
323
00:13:04,520 --> 00:13:06,476
- everything you're saying.
- Shit. He's really sorry.
324
00:13:06,560 --> 00:13:08,232
I mognise one of those voices -
it‘s Simon Cooperl
325
00:13:08,320 --> 00:13:09,673
Do something, NeiI.
326
00:13:09,760 --> 00:13:13,389
- How big are Sarah Bell's nipples?
- Rightl That‘s it. I'm getting a teacher.
327
00:13:13,480 --> 00:13:14,595
ShitI Thanks, Neil, good job.
328
00:13:14,680 --> 00:13:16,671
All right, Yves Saint Le Ponce,
what‘s going on here, then?
329
00:13:16,760 --> 00:13:19,069
- Neil's getting me in shit.
- They've put a curtain up
330
00:13:19,160 --> 00:13:22,835
- so we ccn‘t see the cIunge. It‘s sacst.
- The crafty fuckers. They tried this
331
00:13:22,920 --> 00:13:25,992
when we did the scth play. We cut
a hole in the curtain and stuck our knobs
332
00:13:26,080 --> 00:13:29,390
through it. It was well horny. We were
getting noshed ofi in-between scenes.
333
00:13:29,480 --> 00:13:31,914
- GIRL: We ccn still hear you.
- OTHER GIRL: And that never happenedI
334
00:13:32,000 --> 00:13:34,673
Simon, you're on, hon.
It‘s models only back here.
335
00:13:34,760 --> 00:13:37,194
Yeah, but look Two.
336
00:13:37,280 --> 00:13:40,636
The left one looks infected.
Please hurry up, Simon, you're on next.
337
00:13:40,720 --> 00:13:42,870
Can someone help me
with my flicking cuffiinks, pIease?I
338
00:13:42,960 --> 00:13:45,918
All right, precious. I'II help you. Blit if
you haven‘t got them on in 30 smonds
339
00:13:46,000 --> 00:13:47,274
I'm going olit there in your place.
340
00:13:47,360 --> 00:13:50,193
The girls said there was
some sort of problem back..
341
00:13:50,280 --> 00:13:51,713
0h.
342
00:13:51,800 --> 00:13:54,872
Come on, we'd better get you
olit of these clothes.
343
00:13:54,960 --> 00:13:57,190
Blit, sir, I'm not modelling.
344
00:13:57,280 --> 00:13:58,395
0h.
345
00:13:59,800 --> 00:14:01,438
You should be.
346
00:14:01,520 --> 00:14:04,159
So, asNeiltriedtoswervetheadvances
ofamanwhoitseemedincredible
347
00:14:04,240 --> 00:14:07,118
the scth continued to employ,
the worlds least stylish
348
00:14:07,200 --> 00:14:09,509
- fashion show got under way.
- "Our first collection's theme
349
00:14:09,600 --> 00:14:12,672
"is Glamorous Nights,
and is plit together“ - incorrect tense -
350
00:14:12,760 --> 00:14:16,070
"by Carli d'Amato. Modeling" -
that should be two Ls -
351
00:14:16,160 --> 00:14:19,277
"these gorgeous outfits
are the equally gorgeous..."
352
00:14:19,360 --> 00:14:21,476
Christ, who wrote this?
353
00:14:21,560 --> 00:14:25,155
"...Stephen DeBeII,
Richard Munay and Simon Cooper."
354
00:14:25,240 --> 00:14:27,310
(CHEERS AND JEERS)
355
00:14:30,040 --> 00:14:31,917
Itnnotsurewhattheword
fortheoppositeofcoolrs,
356
00:14:32,000 --> 00:14:33,672
butl think I lmaw what it looks like.
357
00:14:39,120 --> 00:14:42,874
Sadly, I coan 't enjoy Simon 's
dreadful modelling for long.
358
00:14:42,960 --> 00:14:46,919
I had a two-wheeled nightmare
on my case.
359
00:14:47,840 --> 00:14:48,909
ALASTAIR: McKenzieI
360
00:14:50,120 --> 00:14:51,917
You try anything like that again...
361
00:14:52,000 --> 00:14:53,433
Alastair, I think we got ofi
on the wrong foot.
362
00:14:53,520 --> 00:14:54,953
Is that meant to be
a joke about the chair?
363
00:14:55,040 --> 00:14:56,871
I ccn walk you know,
I just get tired easy.
364
00:14:56,960 --> 00:14:59,155
No, it‘s not that. I think we just differ
on ways to raise money.
365
00:14:59,240 --> 00:15:01,993
I happen to think
that this is exclusive and about vanity.
366
00:15:02,080 --> 00:15:04,753
And I happen to think you're a wankerl
367
00:15:04,840 --> 00:15:06,273
That‘s not very mature, is it?
368
00:15:06,360 --> 00:15:08,191
Even in this chair,
I could kick your arse.
369
00:15:08,280 --> 00:15:09,793
I could kick your arse right in.
370
00:15:09,880 --> 00:15:11,996
Owl Lets not make a scene.
371
00:15:12,080 --> 00:15:13,752
Come onI Hey?|
372
00:15:13,840 --> 00:15:16,479
You're mental. He's mentaII
373
00:15:16,560 --> 00:15:17,913
Fuck youI
374
00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:19,353
WiII, you've got to help me.
375
00:15:19,440 --> 00:15:21,192
- Hi, sexyl
- I was supposed to be modelling
376
00:15:21,280 --> 00:15:24,272
with Paul Keenan, blit he got so nervous,
he drank a bottle of vodlca and passed olit.
377
00:15:24,360 --> 00:15:25,793
Please will you take his place?
378
00:15:25,880 --> 00:15:27,108
Me?
379
00:15:28,040 --> 00:15:29,359
Urn...
380
00:15:29,440 --> 00:15:32,671
- He won‘t do it, its "exclusive vanity".
- Right.
381
00:15:32,760 --> 00:15:34,830
He's talking shit, it‘s the painkillers.
Of course I'll do it.
382
00:15:34,920 --> 00:15:37,639
- Great.
- What?| You hypocritel
383
00:15:37,720 --> 00:15:40,439
Owl OK. Right, you, time for a sleep.
384
00:15:40,520 --> 00:15:42,750
- Don‘t touch me, don‘t touch meI
- Come onI
385
00:15:42,840 --> 00:15:45,513
- Is he OK?
- Yeah. He gets grumpy when he's tired.
386
00:15:46,800 --> 00:15:49,951
Yes, this is going really weIII
Amazingly, no cocklips so far.
387
00:15:50,040 --> 00:15:52,031
Well done, you've mastered
walking like a knob
388
00:15:52,120 --> 00:15:53,712
and looking like a dick
at the same time(|)
389
00:15:53,800 --> 00:15:57,509
This is actually enjoyable
in an "I'm shitting myself" kind of way.
390
00:15:57,600 --> 00:15:59,909
If you've shit yourself in them trousers,
I ain‘t touching them.
391
00:16:00,000 --> 00:16:01,228
- Of course I haven‘t.
- You walk like you have.
392
00:16:01,320 --> 00:16:02,833
Neil, quick I need help getting dressed.
393
00:16:02,920 --> 00:16:05,673
- You are dressed.
- No, dressed into something else. ThisI
394
00:16:05,760 --> 00:16:08,115
For the fashion show.
I'm modelling in the fashion showI
395
00:16:08,200 --> 00:16:11,158
- That‘s not happening, I'm first reservel
- NoI No wayI
396
00:16:11,240 --> 00:16:13,629
What‘s up with you? I thought
this was the worst sort of vanity?
397
00:16:13,720 --> 00:16:14,709
Yeah, well, I've changed my mind.
398
00:16:14,800 --> 00:16:17,030
Somebody pulled olit
and Charlotte asked me to fill in.
399
00:16:17,120 --> 00:16:18,917
So give me the cIothesI
400
00:16:19,000 --> 00:16:20,069
Now it makes sensel
401
00:16:20,160 --> 00:16:22,435
One flash of Charlotte's tits
and your morals go olit the window.
402
00:16:22,520 --> 00:16:23,953
We ccn discuss my morals later,
403
00:16:24,040 --> 00:16:26,759
after I get these flicking jeans onI
God, they‘re tight.
404
00:16:26,840 --> 00:16:29,638
It ccn‘t be comfortable to walk around
in jeans this tight every day, ccn it?|
405
00:16:29,720 --> 00:16:30,869
Here. Let me help.
406
00:16:30,960 --> 00:16:34,430
Well, this is flicking bang
olit of orderI I'm first reservel
407
00:16:34,520 --> 00:16:37,910
It was me Charlotte wanted. She chose me.
That‘s the only reason I'm doing it.
408
00:16:38,000 --> 00:16:40,309
They‘ll be sorry. I'll show them.
409
00:16:40,400 --> 00:16:42,595
"Columbine massacre" show them,
or "futile gesture" show them?
410
00:16:42,680 --> 00:16:44,398
Whatever‘s worse.
411
00:16:44,480 --> 00:16:47,233
Um, Neil, you just brushed my penis there.
412
00:16:47,320 --> 00:16:48,389
Yeah.
413
00:16:49,640 --> 00:16:51,198
That‘s the smond time.
414
00:16:51,280 --> 00:16:52,395
Yeah, I know.
415
00:16:52,480 --> 00:16:55,995
Ofcourse,theonlyreasonllrlras
takingpartinthefashionshow
416
00:16:56,080 --> 00:16:58,753
was to get my penis brushed.
But by Charlotte, not Neil.
417
00:16:58,840 --> 00:17:02,276
Well done for getting ready
so quickly. Exciting, isn‘t it?
418
00:17:02,360 --> 00:17:05,716
Yeah. I just wanted to say
I'm really pleased you picked me.
419
00:17:05,800 --> 00:17:07,438
- It means a lot.
- I didn‘t have a choice, did I?
420
00:17:07,520 --> 00:17:08,475
Didn‘t you?
421
00:17:08,560 --> 00:17:10,278
No, we had to find
someone to fit the clothes
422
00:17:10,360 --> 00:17:12,476
and I was like,
'Who do I know that‘s really short?"
423
00:17:12,560 --> 00:17:14,551
- Oh.
- And then obviously I thought of you.
424
00:17:14,640 --> 00:17:16,153
Is that really the reason?
425
00:17:16,240 --> 00:17:19,312
No, not reaIIyI They let me choose
who I wanted, and I chose you.
426
00:17:19,400 --> 00:17:20,719
Thanks, Charlotte.
427
00:17:20,800 --> 00:17:22,233
Although it did have to be someone short.
428
00:17:22,320 --> 00:17:23,514
Right.
429
00:17:23,600 --> 00:17:26,592
And the next theme is... '70s Disco.
430
00:17:26,680 --> 00:17:28,398
0h, brilliant.
431
00:17:28,480 --> 00:17:30,835
(# CHIC: Le Freak)
432
00:17:32,440 --> 00:17:36,831
I'm a principled man, and one of
those principles turns out to be
433
00:17:36,920 --> 00:17:40,310
I'll do literally anything
a girllfancyasksme to.
434
00:17:49,040 --> 00:17:52,715
All right. rm willing to admit
I also got a bit ccrried away.
435
00:17:56,960 --> 00:17:59,997
Buttheydosayalrlromanccn tell
alotaboutwhataman'slikeinbed
436
00:18:00,080 --> 00:18:02,674
from the way he dances.
Which meant that if I did pull Charlotte,
437
00:18:02,760 --> 00:18:05,991
she'd be expecting surpnsing
enthusiasm, a lot of finger-llvork,
438
00:18:06,080 --> 00:18:09,436
and an abrupt stop
when I remembered where I was.
439
00:18:12,360 --> 00:18:16,353
Meanwhile, backstage, Neil was finally
experiencing some job satisfaction.
440
00:18:16,440 --> 00:18:17,429
Fucking heII. At last.
441
00:18:17,520 --> 00:18:19,909
Simon, there's been
a slight change of plan.
442
00:18:20,000 --> 00:18:21,638
Chris Yates was meant to be
wearing this for my sexy finale.
443
00:18:21,720 --> 00:18:23,233
Bli‘t he's just taken ofi his shirt
444
00:18:23,320 --> 00:18:25,629
and his back is disgustingly hairy,
so I sacked him.
445
00:18:25,720 --> 00:18:27,073
I thought this was for charity?
446
00:18:27,160 --> 00:18:30,118
You know when you get loads of hair
ccught round the pIughoIe in the bath
447
00:18:30,200 --> 00:18:31,872
- and it gets all matted and wet?
- Yeah.
448
00:18:31,960 --> 00:18:34,838
His back looked like that.
It nearly made me vomit, so he's sacked.
449
00:18:34,920 --> 00:18:36,797
It means that I need you
to wear this instead
450
00:18:36,880 --> 00:18:38,871
- for the sexy finale.
- Are they Speedos?
451
00:18:38,960 --> 00:18:42,999
Simon, you've been brilliant all night.
Plus you've got a great body.
452
00:18:43,080 --> 00:18:44,957
- Please, for me?
- Of course.
453
00:18:45,040 --> 00:18:46,234
Thanks.
454
00:18:46,320 --> 00:18:47,833
See you olit there.
You've got one minute.
455
00:18:49,280 --> 00:18:52,431
This is so flicking unfairl
So I'm not even smond reserve now.
456
00:18:52,520 --> 00:18:55,193
- Who's she going to ask next, Big John?
- Do you want to wear the Speedos?
457
00:18:55,280 --> 00:18:56,759
NoI
458
00:18:56,840 --> 00:18:58,637
0h, what‘s the point? AhI
459
00:18:58,720 --> 00:19:01,359
Mate, your ear don‘t look great.
It‘s covered in pus.
460
00:19:01,440 --> 00:19:04,352
Fucking heII.
I'd better get this looked at.
461
00:19:04,440 --> 00:19:07,716
Good luck boner. Try not
to get a stifiy in them Speedos.
462
00:19:07,800 --> 00:19:11,554
He's right, you're in trouble. I nearly
shot my bolt just looking at her,
463
00:19:11,640 --> 00:19:13,073
and all she was doing
was standing there being moany.
464
00:19:13,160 --> 00:19:15,515
Did you hear what she said?
She thinks I've got a great body.
465
00:19:15,600 --> 00:19:17,875
If I could just do this one thing for her,
who knows what could happen?
466
00:19:17,960 --> 00:19:20,349
I know. You'll get a boner
in front of the whole school,
467
00:19:20,440 --> 00:19:22,158
and in Speedos.
there is no hiding it, trust me.
468
00:19:22,240 --> 00:19:25,312
It‘s only a couple of minutes,
I ccn do it.
469
00:19:25,400 --> 00:19:26,799
I ccn do this.
470
00:19:26,880 --> 00:19:28,677
CARLI: Simon, are you ready yet?
471
00:19:28,760 --> 00:19:30,113
Can you give me a hand, NeiI?
472
00:19:31,200 --> 00:19:32,235
Nah, you're all right.
473
00:19:33,800 --> 00:19:35,074
CARLI: Simonl
474
00:19:36,560 --> 00:19:40,519
That was so amazing, so brilliant.
I could not have done it without you.
475
00:19:40,600 --> 00:19:42,716
- How was it?
- He was brilliantl
476
00:19:42,800 --> 00:19:43,835
Was he?
477
00:19:43,920 --> 00:19:46,195
- Yeah, he was all, like, "YayI"
- YayI
478
00:19:46,280 --> 00:19:47,235
I wasn‘t entirely "yay".
479
00:19:49,160 --> 00:19:50,798
Come on, Simon, we're on.
480
00:19:50,880 --> 00:19:52,836
- Are you all right?
- Please don‘t distract me.
481
00:19:53,960 --> 00:19:57,316
Simonlrlrasconcentratingsohard
onnotgettingaboner,
482
00:19:57,400 --> 00:19:59,550
thathewasoblivioustowhat
ccnonlybedescribedas
483
00:19:59,640 --> 00:20:00,834
quite a serious wardrobe malfunction.
484
00:20:00,920 --> 00:20:03,309
(# Lady Marmalade)
485
00:20:39,720 --> 00:20:42,553
I loved that. Seriously, thank you, Will.
I'm so grateful.
486
00:20:42,640 --> 00:20:44,915
It was nothing,
just what was left of my dignity.
487
00:20:45,000 --> 00:20:48,151
It wasn‘t that bad. And what other guy
would have done that for me?
488
00:20:48,240 --> 00:20:50,117
Uni's great, blit there's
no-one there like you.
489
00:20:50,200 --> 00:20:51,553
Shlit lip.
490
00:20:51,640 --> 00:20:54,154
Seriously, all I want
is a boyfiiend like you.
491
00:20:54,240 --> 00:20:57,915
You're flinny and you're sweet
and you're kind to me.
492
00:20:58,000 --> 00:21:00,560
I think I'd be happy if I had
someone in my life just like you.
493
00:21:00,640 --> 00:21:03,950
WeII...what about me?
494
00:21:05,840 --> 00:21:09,594
No, no, not you.
No, no, someone like you.
495
00:21:09,680 --> 00:21:14,390
You're so flinnyI Not you, obviously.
Come on, lovely, let‘s go for a drink
496
00:21:14,480 --> 00:21:18,917
Um, no, I'm OK, thanks.
I'll just wait here, I think
497
00:21:19,000 --> 00:21:20,797
0K, cool.
498
00:21:23,120 --> 00:21:26,317
Nice one, twat-face. Good dancing(|)
499
00:21:26,400 --> 00:21:28,277
All that whining and complaining,
for what?
500
00:21:28,360 --> 00:21:31,557
Nothing. You're what they chI
a sanctimonious prick
501
00:21:31,640 --> 00:21:34,632
Yes, well, good to talk to you again, AI.
Is that all?
502
00:21:34,720 --> 00:21:39,157
No. I hope one day
you get a serious illness, too.
503
00:21:41,600 --> 00:21:44,194
Oh, flick off, Alastair, you dickI
504
00:21:44,280 --> 00:21:46,191
- You're a dick
- You're a dickI
505
00:21:46,280 --> 00:21:47,918
- You were greatI
- Bit of a weird reaction.
506
00:21:48,000 --> 00:21:50,468
It wasn‘t meant to be flinny.
It was meant to be glamorous.
507
00:21:50,560 --> 00:21:53,199
- No, you're a dickI
- Guys, come on, chm downI
508
00:21:53,280 --> 00:21:54,508
Don‘t spoil a good evening.
509
00:21:54,600 --> 00:21:57,637
We've plit on a great show
and raised a hell of a lot of money.
510
00:21:57,720 --> 00:21:59,358
You know your testicle's sticking out?
511
00:21:59,440 --> 00:22:00,589
What?
512
00:22:00,680 --> 00:22:03,990
Is that why everyone was laughing?
Has it been olit the whole time?
513
00:22:04,080 --> 00:22:07,356
Oh, my God, you've been
walking behind me, mocking me.
514
00:22:07,440 --> 00:22:10,193
You've ruined my big night.
I thought you liked me, you arsehoIeI
515
00:22:10,280 --> 00:22:12,475
Hey, Carls, it‘s all right, come on.
516
00:22:12,560 --> 00:22:13,959
Carli, listen, please.
517
00:22:14,040 --> 00:22:16,156
Bit overdramatic,
it‘s only a bollock
518
00:22:16,240 --> 00:22:17,798
Fucking hell, I'm going to kill NeiII
519
00:22:17,880 --> 00:22:19,757
Didn‘t you feel a draft?
520
00:22:19,840 --> 00:22:22,559
It was tingling, blit I thought it was
nervesl Do you think people savn
521
00:22:22,640 --> 00:22:25,074
YesI It was eye level
for most of the audience.
522
00:22:25,160 --> 00:22:27,799
Oh, God, noI NoI
523
00:22:27,880 --> 00:22:30,189
Suppose you thought
that was flinny, did you?
524
00:22:30,280 --> 00:22:31,872
Well, your little joke's got you
in a lot of trouble.
525
00:22:31,960 --> 00:22:33,109
Honestly, it wasn‘t a joke.
526
00:22:33,200 --> 00:22:36,112
No, there is nothing flinny
about testicles, Cooper,
527
00:22:36,200 --> 00:22:39,112
as you'll discover tomorrow in my office.
528
00:22:39,200 --> 00:22:40,315
What?
529
00:22:40,400 --> 00:22:42,755
Sorry, sir. That sounded a bit weird.
530
00:22:42,840 --> 00:22:47,072
No, it didn‘t. See me tomorrow.
531
00:22:47,160 --> 00:22:49,276
It did sound weird.
And talking of weird...
532
00:22:50,640 --> 00:22:53,552
Right, then,
let‘s get you olit of these clothes.
533
00:22:53,640 --> 00:22:55,551
Sir, I told you, I'm not modelling.
534
00:22:55,640 --> 00:23:00,077
No, you are, you are. I had a word
with the man. The man said.
535
00:23:00,160 --> 00:23:01,798
The show finished ten minutes ago.
536
00:23:01,880 --> 00:23:04,075
- Oh.
- Have you been drinking, sir?
537
00:23:04,160 --> 00:23:06,196
Come on, John.
Lets get you some fresh air.
538
00:23:06,280 --> 00:23:10,114
(WHISPERS) I'm putting my flicking
neck on the line for you, JohnI
539
00:23:10,200 --> 00:23:13,078
So we headed home,
Simon having learnt at least one thing -
540
00:23:13,160 --> 00:23:14,832
neverputonSpeedosinarush.
541
00:23:14,920 --> 00:23:17,309
Why did you agree
to wear it in the first place?
542
00:23:17,400 --> 00:23:18,355
Carli told me to.
543
00:23:18,440 --> 00:23:20,908
Even with your whole sack covered,
you'd look ridiculous.
544
00:23:21,000 --> 00:23:24,959
Speedos. DMs, top hat and a leash.
What maniac designed that?
545
00:23:25,040 --> 00:23:26,519
Who thought, "You know what‘s fashionable?
546
00:23:26,600 --> 00:23:28,875
"Dressing like an upper-class
mental patient."
547
00:23:28,960 --> 00:23:31,315
- Did you get that boner, then, Si?
- No.
548
00:23:31,400 --> 00:23:32,549
Oh, well done.
549
00:23:32,640 --> 00:23:34,790
Blit my left bollock was
sticking olit the entire time.
550
00:23:34,880 --> 00:23:36,791
- Fucking heIII Unlucky.
- I blame you.
551
00:23:36,880 --> 00:23:38,757
- All right, gays?
- Hovfs your ear, Jay?
552
00:23:38,840 --> 00:23:41,912
Perfect(|) That‘s why I've got to wear
this massive bandage.
553
00:23:42,000 --> 00:23:44,389
I suppose that‘s your
modelling ccreer flicked, then.
554
00:23:44,480 --> 00:23:46,436
- He never had a modelling ccreer.
- I'm not bothered
555
00:23:46,520 --> 00:23:47,748
cos I flicked the nurse
that looked after me.
556
00:23:47,840 --> 00:23:49,751
The St John's Ambulance lady?
557
00:23:49,840 --> 00:23:52,035
- Yes.
- Isn‘t she Warren Dunccn's nan?
558
00:23:52,120 --> 00:23:54,111
Nah, there was another one
that looked like Lucy Pinder.
559
00:23:54,200 --> 00:23:55,189
Course there was(|)
560
00:23:55,280 --> 00:23:57,077
- We going to this party, then?
- I'm definitely not going.
561
00:23:57,160 --> 00:23:58,832
Nor me, I think I'd burst into tears.
562
00:23:58,920 --> 00:24:00,353
What, cos you're so unpopular?
563
00:24:00,440 --> 00:24:02,476
No, Neil, bwause of Charlotte.
564
00:24:02,560 --> 00:24:04,232
Oh, what happened with her, then?
565
00:24:04,320 --> 00:24:05,912
She basichIy told me
I had no chance, at all, ever.
566
00:24:06,000 --> 00:24:06,955
I told you than
567
00:24:07,040 --> 00:24:09,076
Yeah, blit flinnin enough,
it hurt more coming from her.
568
00:24:09,160 --> 00:24:10,275
You know I snogged her once.
569
00:24:10,360 --> 00:24:12,316
No, I did not know thatI
570
00:24:12,400 --> 00:24:13,719
I could have sworn I told you.
571
00:24:13,800 --> 00:24:16,109
I think I would have remembered
such crushing news.
572
00:24:16,200 --> 00:24:17,349
Don‘t worry, it was after you.
573
00:24:17,440 --> 00:24:20,432
- That makes it worse.
- Yes, now it‘s like a betrayal, too.
574
00:24:20,520 --> 00:24:21,953
Was it just a snog?
575
00:24:22,040 --> 00:24:23,632
Neil, please.
576
00:24:23,720 --> 00:24:25,756
Yeah, course, mate.
Course. Just a snog.
577
00:24:25,840 --> 00:24:27,478
Well, that‘s something.
578
00:24:30,000 --> 00:24:33,310
I'd learnt a few things that week myself.
None good, all bad.
579
00:24:33,400 --> 00:24:36,631
Jay's driving is worse
than his fashion sense.
580
00:24:36,720 --> 00:24:38,153
Neil is cctnip for paedos.
581
00:24:38,240 --> 00:24:41,755
Just because youVe onlygotone kidney
doesn't mean you're not a total dick.
582
00:24:41,840 --> 00:24:44,308
And Simon has extremely hairy balls.
583
00:24:46,600 --> 00:24:48,955
#I'rnqueenoftheworld
584
00:24:49,040 --> 00:24:51,873
# I bump into things
585
00:24:51,960 --> 00:24:56,078
# I spin around in circles
586
00:24:56,160 --> 00:24:58,913
# Andlam singing
587
00:24:59,000 --> 00:25:01,719
# And I'm singing and I'm singing
588
00:25:01,800 --> 00:25:04,553
# Why n'tlstay like this?
589
00:25:04,640 --> 00:25:07,029
# They're gone... #
50248
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