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Subs by kinglouisxx
for www.addic7ed.com
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I am the king of pocket change.
3
00:00:04,838 --> 00:00:06,924
Hey.
4
00:00:07,049 --> 00:00:08,091
Come on.
5
00:00:08,217 --> 00:00:10,177
Aces one time, Dad.
6
00:00:10,302 --> 00:00:12,346
I'm saving up
for a new computer for Mark.
7
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He uses it on his lap,
and it heats up so bad,
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00:00:14,890 --> 00:00:17,976
I'm afraid he's cooking
my future grandkids.
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00:00:18,101 --> 00:00:20,854
I'd like to remind everyone
that the ante is a nickel,
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00:00:20,979 --> 00:00:23,357
and no one has ever
won more than $7 here.
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But dream on.
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00:00:24,983 --> 00:00:27,131
That ends now, as I am implementing
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00:00:27,240 --> 00:00:29,488
a new additional rule for tonight.
14
00:00:29,613 --> 00:00:31,823
For new boyfriends... welcome, Tyler...
15
00:00:31,949 --> 00:00:34,743
the ante is $25.
16
00:00:34,868 --> 00:00:36,995
Come on, Dad. Play nice.
17
00:00:37,120 --> 00:00:39,748
This isn't one of the ones
I want you to scare off.
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00:00:39,873 --> 00:00:42,000
No, no, he's got to learn.
19
00:00:42,125 --> 00:00:44,044
Next time, don't let
your girlfriend's father
20
00:00:44,169 --> 00:00:46,922
know that you've got a good job.
21
00:00:47,047 --> 00:00:49,383
Dan, I'm going to take all
your money and your daughter.
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00:00:49,516 --> 00:00:51,685
Oh!
23
00:00:51,981 --> 00:00:53,368
Only half of that bothers me.
24
00:00:53,481 --> 00:00:54,937
Hey.
25
00:00:55,055 --> 00:00:57,641
Have you told Beverly Rose
that Tyler's your boyfriend?
26
00:00:57,766 --> 00:00:59,601
Not yet. And I almost blew it.
27
00:00:59,726 --> 00:01:01,478
I went into The Lunch Box,
28
00:01:01,603 --> 00:01:03,063
and I-I didn't know she was in there,
29
00:01:03,188 --> 00:01:04,856
and I accidentally kissed Becky.
30
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Yeah, and I had to cover
31
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by kissing the rest of my customers.
32
00:01:10,737 --> 00:01:13,031
- It was a great day for tips.
- Yeah, but I...
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You set the bar too high.
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I had to take my bra off
for the rest of the day
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just to make five bucks in change.
36
00:01:21,540 --> 00:01:24,209
But Tyler and I have decided
37
00:01:24,334 --> 00:01:26,920
to tell Beverly Rose we're a couple.
38
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The problem is, with kids of divorce,
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if you don't get it right
there can be feelings
40
00:01:31,550 --> 00:01:33,135
of guilt, resentment,
and long-term effects
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00:01:33,260 --> 00:01:34,720
on their mental health.
42
00:01:34,845 --> 00:01:36,138
Well, if it makes you feel any better,
43
00:01:36,263 --> 00:01:37,597
Mom and Dad were together forever.
44
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We suffer from all that stuff.
45
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She's not wrong. You kids are disasters.
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Hey.
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00:01:44,062 --> 00:01:45,105
We're going to do it right.
48
00:01:45,230 --> 00:01:46,940
I'm coming over to the house
on Valentine's Day,
49
00:01:47,065 --> 00:01:48,817
and I'm going to give
Beverly Rose a valentine
50
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and chocolates.
51
00:01:50,277 --> 00:01:51,153
That's smart.
52
00:01:51,278 --> 00:01:54,156
That way she associates you
with good things.
53
00:01:54,281 --> 00:01:55,907
That works for older people, too.
54
00:01:56,033 --> 00:01:57,409
If you wanted Dad to like you,
55
00:01:57,534 --> 00:01:59,703
maybe bring over
a large bouquet of Budweiser.
56
00:02:01,496 --> 00:02:02,789
Well, could you tell her soon?
57
00:02:02,914 --> 00:02:04,416
Because that way,
Tyler can stop creeping
58
00:02:04,541 --> 00:02:05,917
in and out of our house.
59
00:02:06,043 --> 00:02:07,794
It's just awkward when our booty calls
60
00:02:07,919 --> 00:02:10,380
run into each other in the hallway.
61
00:02:10,505 --> 00:02:11,298
I'm sorry about that.
62
00:02:11,423 --> 00:02:13,008
We just can't go back to my place
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because I live with my mother.
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Ah.
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00:02:21,475 --> 00:02:24,853
And the spotlight moves to Tyler.
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00:02:26,188 --> 00:02:27,647
But the, uh... the breastfeeding,
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you've moved on from that, right?
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00:02:30,108 --> 00:02:32,194
I'm only at my mom's
because I travel a lot
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and I don't want to waste money on rent.
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00:02:34,154 --> 00:02:35,781
You guys need to lay off.
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00:02:35,906 --> 00:02:38,992
Sneaking around
has been really hard on us.
72
00:02:39,117 --> 00:02:42,579
We've had to do some really
crazy stuff to get any privacy.
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Oh, yeah.
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00:02:43,830 --> 00:02:45,374
Well, Darlene and I know
what that's like
75
00:02:45,499 --> 00:02:47,501
from when we lived with Dan.
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00:02:47,626 --> 00:02:49,169
Ugh, I hate that I know this,
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00:02:49,294 --> 00:02:52,839
but the baby-changing tables
at Arby's...
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00:02:52,964 --> 00:02:55,384
the only ones that'll support
two adults.
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00:03:00,680 --> 00:03:03,600
Like you're the first one
to discover that.
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00:03:06,561 --> 00:03:09,481
6x02 - Valentine's Day Treats
and Credit Card Cheats
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"The Conners" is filmed
in front of a live studio audience.
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So, spending Valentine's Day
at The Lunch Box.
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Not only is the romance gone,
it's been taken out back,
84
00:03:38,218 --> 00:03:40,095
shot, and dumped in the woods.
85
00:03:41,471 --> 00:03:44,766
For your information,
we have planned a lovely,
86
00:03:44,891 --> 00:03:47,102
intimate evening in downtown Chicago.
87
00:03:47,227 --> 00:03:50,105
So we will be keeping it light
and splitting
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00:03:50,230 --> 00:03:55,402
the "Nothing Will Come
Between Us" wedge salad.
89
00:03:55,527 --> 00:03:56,778
Hey.
90
00:03:56,903 --> 00:04:00,365
Sorry I'm late, but we
have got a big problem.
91
00:04:00,490 --> 00:04:03,034
What else is new?
92
00:04:03,160 --> 00:04:05,036
Somebody stole Bev's identity
93
00:04:05,162 --> 00:04:07,956
and ran up, like, $10,000
on her credit cards.
94
00:04:08,081 --> 00:04:09,207
They bought two puppies,
95
00:04:09,332 --> 00:04:12,252
started sponsoring twin orphans
in South America,
96
00:04:12,377 --> 00:04:14,963
and bought a long-term timeshare
97
00:04:15,088 --> 00:04:18,175
with no holidays available.
98
00:04:20,302 --> 00:04:21,553
How can Bev not know about this?
99
00:04:21,678 --> 00:04:22,846
It's her account.
100
00:04:22,971 --> 00:04:24,139
Well, she's in her 90s,
101
00:04:24,264 --> 00:04:26,391
and when she started
developing dementia,
102
00:04:26,516 --> 00:04:28,810
I had to jump in
and take over her bills.
103
00:04:28,935 --> 00:04:31,313
Why not just have the company
freeze her credit card?
104
00:04:31,438 --> 00:04:33,732
She's not going to understand
what's going on.
105
00:04:33,857 --> 00:04:35,358
She's going to get all agitated.
106
00:04:35,484 --> 00:04:37,402
Then she's going to look
for a way to blame me
107
00:04:37,527 --> 00:04:38,570
because that's her MO.
108
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Then I'm going to see a white flash,
109
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and I'm going to wake up
on the dark web,
110
00:04:42,532 --> 00:04:45,035
shopping for chloroform.
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00:04:48,205 --> 00:04:49,331
I can't do it by myself.
112
00:04:49,456 --> 00:04:51,333
Darlene, you have to come
with me tomorrow.
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You know, I have distinctly cultivated
114
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a repellent personality
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00:04:55,462 --> 00:04:57,383
so that people
would not ask me for favors.
116
00:05:01,384 --> 00:05:02,427
All right.
117
00:05:02,552 --> 00:05:03,595
Okay, fine.
118
00:05:03,720 --> 00:05:04,679
Fine.
119
00:05:04,804 --> 00:05:06,561
But if she starts insisting again
120
00:05:06,668 --> 00:05:08,461
that I'm that little guy
who was the lead singer
121
00:05:08,561 --> 00:05:10,227
of The Monkees, I'm out.
122
00:05:13,438 --> 00:05:15,982
Remember, we're going
to see how things go,
123
00:05:16,107 --> 00:05:17,609
and if she seems like she likes you,
124
00:05:17,734 --> 00:05:20,362
we'll ease into the boyfriend talk.
125
00:05:20,487 --> 00:05:21,571
Oh, just a heads-up...
126
00:05:21,696 --> 00:05:23,490
if Beverly Rose feels uncomfortable,
127
00:05:23,615 --> 00:05:25,992
she may become a dog named Pancake.
128
00:05:29,663 --> 00:05:31,790
Beverly Rose, look who's here.
129
00:05:31,915 --> 00:05:33,708
It's my friend Tyler.
130
00:05:33,833 --> 00:05:36,127
You met him at The Lunch Box, remember?
131
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That was the day you kissed everybody.
132
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Yes, it was.
133
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Let's not share that.
134
00:05:43,009 --> 00:05:46,221
Uh, I think Tyler brought you something.
135
00:05:46,346 --> 00:05:49,057
Um, Happy Valentine's Day.
136
00:05:49,182 --> 00:05:50,976
It's a jet like I fly,
137
00:05:51,101 --> 00:05:54,312
and inside is a little woman pilot.
138
00:05:54,437 --> 00:05:57,357
Who makes a fraction
of what her male copilot makes.
139
00:05:58,441 --> 00:06:00,819
All right, I got
a romantic evening tonight.
140
00:06:00,944 --> 00:06:03,530
I got to go put on a bold lip
and take some Gas-X.
141
00:06:04,864 --> 00:06:06,908
Since it's a plane
that delivers packages,
142
00:06:07,033 --> 00:06:08,159
why don't you look inside
143
00:06:08,285 --> 00:06:09,869
and see if there's anything for you?
144
00:06:11,371 --> 00:06:13,331
I already got candy at school.
145
00:06:13,456 --> 00:06:15,000
Do you have anything else?
146
00:06:16,251 --> 00:06:18,420
Beverly Rose, you're being rude.
147
00:06:18,545 --> 00:06:21,506
Tyler got you something nice.
You should say thank you.
148
00:06:21,631 --> 00:06:23,174
Thank you.
149
00:06:23,300 --> 00:06:24,843
It's...
150
00:06:24,968 --> 00:06:26,511
You know what?
There's... there's actually...
151
00:06:26,636 --> 00:06:28,495
There's something else.
There's something else.
152
00:06:28,596 --> 00:06:29,723
Let's...
153
00:06:29,848 --> 00:06:32,100
Look at that. It's money.
154
00:06:37,314 --> 00:06:39,190
It's a $20 bill.
155
00:06:39,316 --> 00:06:41,276
This is what they look like, Mom.
156
00:06:42,652 --> 00:06:45,071
She hugged me.
157
00:06:45,196 --> 00:06:47,365
Yeah, couple trips to the ATM,
158
00:06:47,490 --> 00:06:50,702
and she'll be cool
with us getting married.
159
00:06:50,827 --> 00:06:52,245
Is that in play?
160
00:06:52,370 --> 00:06:53,872
I'm a middle-aged single mother
161
00:06:53,997 --> 00:06:55,373
living with her kid sister.
162
00:06:55,498 --> 00:06:56,916
Everything is in play.
163
00:07:04,049 --> 00:07:05,759
Oh. Hey, Mom.
164
00:07:05,884 --> 00:07:08,178
I thought your nurse
would be answering the door.
165
00:07:08,303 --> 00:07:09,846
We've be talking about her posture,
166
00:07:09,971 --> 00:07:11,765
and I said she's getting
one of those humps,
167
00:07:11,890 --> 00:07:14,559
and she said she needed some air.
168
00:07:14,684 --> 00:07:17,479
I think she goes out
and smokes cigarettes.
169
00:07:17,604 --> 00:07:20,440
So what brings you by, Jackie?
170
00:07:20,565 --> 00:07:21,983
Oh, nothing big.
171
00:07:22,108 --> 00:07:25,028
Um, you know who this is?
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00:07:26,780 --> 00:07:28,782
Of course I do.
173
00:07:28,907 --> 00:07:31,284
- Hi.
- Hi.
174
00:07:31,409 --> 00:07:32,702
- Hi.
- Hi.
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00:07:32,827 --> 00:07:36,373
Uh, come have a seat,
and you can both tell me
176
00:07:36,498 --> 00:07:39,209
why you look so constipated.
177
00:07:39,334 --> 00:07:41,044
It seems like you're having
a pretty good day.
178
00:07:41,169 --> 00:07:44,923
Unfortunately, I got
a little bit of bad news, Mom.
179
00:07:45,048 --> 00:07:46,716
Your credit card number was stolen,
180
00:07:46,841 --> 00:07:48,927
and you're going to have to get
a new card.
181
00:07:49,052 --> 00:07:52,222
That's terrible.
How can someone do that?
182
00:07:52,347 --> 00:07:53,640
Well, they pretend to be you.
183
00:07:53,765 --> 00:07:56,142
They buy things online
using your account.
184
00:07:56,267 --> 00:07:57,602
They do it through the computer.
185
00:07:57,727 --> 00:08:00,730
How'd they get my computer?
186
00:08:00,855 --> 00:08:02,524
They don't need your computer.
187
00:08:02,649 --> 00:08:04,734
They have your credit card information.
188
00:08:04,859 --> 00:08:07,404
That's impossible.
I have the card right here.
189
00:08:07,529 --> 00:08:09,489
No, it's not how it works, Mom.
190
00:08:09,614 --> 00:08:11,908
Somehow they got your numbers online.
191
00:08:12,033 --> 00:08:13,493
This is all a big bore.
192
00:08:13,618 --> 00:08:15,912
You and Davy Jones work it out.
193
00:08:17,789 --> 00:08:19,749
Is it the haircut?
Is it because I'm short?
194
00:08:19,874 --> 00:08:21,376
Or what's the...
195
00:08:21,501 --> 00:08:24,754
Mom, Mom, your card
is going to be unusable
196
00:08:24,879 --> 00:08:26,005
for one or two days.
197
00:08:26,131 --> 00:08:29,342
Somebody bought puppies,
sponsored orphans,
198
00:08:29,467 --> 00:08:31,010
signed up for a timeshare,
199
00:08:31,136 --> 00:08:33,763
and donated to some sketchy organization
200
00:08:33,888 --> 00:08:36,099
that's had four documentaries about it.
201
00:08:36,224 --> 00:08:37,559
That was me.
202
00:08:37,684 --> 00:08:39,102
What?
203
00:08:45,734 --> 00:08:48,153
Isn't he cute?
204
00:08:48,278 --> 00:08:49,904
Why would you buy all these things?
205
00:08:50,029 --> 00:08:52,574
And, more importantly, how
are you going to pay for them?
206
00:08:52,699 --> 00:08:55,285
I just pay the minimum every month.
207
00:08:55,410 --> 00:08:56,453
I know what I'm doing.
208
00:08:56,578 --> 00:09:00,039
These are all things I want and need.
209
00:09:00,165 --> 00:09:03,293
But they all require time.
210
00:09:03,418 --> 00:09:06,212
Puppies grow up. Orphans grow up.
211
00:09:06,337 --> 00:09:08,131
Timeshares...
212
00:09:08,256 --> 00:09:11,593
you know, time.
213
00:09:11,718 --> 00:09:13,595
I don't know what you're getting at.
214
00:09:13,720 --> 00:09:16,389
I have nothing but time.
215
00:09:16,514 --> 00:09:19,100
This one won't do his business
in the cold,
216
00:09:19,225 --> 00:09:21,060
so he needs a warm winter home.
217
00:09:21,186 --> 00:09:24,606
That's why I bought
the timeshare in Miami.
218
00:09:24,731 --> 00:09:26,816
Okay, but puppies and timeshares
219
00:09:26,941 --> 00:09:29,611
are long-term commitments.
220
00:09:29,736 --> 00:09:33,698
You're sort of short-term.
221
00:09:33,823 --> 00:09:37,410
- I don't know what you mean.
- Okay.
222
00:09:37,535 --> 00:09:39,329
There's a guy standing behind you
223
00:09:39,454 --> 00:09:42,040
with a black robe and a sickle.
224
00:09:42,165 --> 00:09:44,209
And it falls off on us.
225
00:09:44,334 --> 00:09:46,669
We're going to get stuck
taking care of all these things
226
00:09:46,795 --> 00:09:49,047
and dealing with a huge bill.
227
00:09:49,172 --> 00:09:53,593
Well, I'm getting points
for all my purchases.
228
00:09:53,718 --> 00:09:56,554
Yeah, okay, well, when we get
out of the poorhouse,
229
00:09:56,679 --> 00:09:57,680
we'll use them.
230
00:09:57,806 --> 00:09:59,933
We'll, uh, go down
and visit the puppies,
231
00:10:00,058 --> 00:10:04,395
who are living it up in Miami
but never on a holiday.
232
00:10:09,317 --> 00:10:10,985
Oh, no, you beat me again.
233
00:10:11,110 --> 00:10:12,695
Here's another $20.
234
00:10:14,155 --> 00:10:15,198
Okay.
235
00:10:15,323 --> 00:10:18,535
Uh, that's a 3-day take of $80.
236
00:10:18,660 --> 00:10:20,370
I think we're done with Uno.
237
00:10:20,495 --> 00:10:22,539
Well, I blew through most
of my cash on the giraffe,
238
00:10:22,664 --> 00:10:26,376
but if she has a Venmo account,
we can keep right on going.
239
00:10:26,501 --> 00:10:27,710
It's okay.
240
00:10:27,836 --> 00:10:30,046
And Beverly Rose and I also have a date
241
00:10:30,171 --> 00:10:32,215
at Uncle Chester's for pizza.
242
00:10:32,340 --> 00:10:34,008
I want Tyler to come.
243
00:10:34,133 --> 00:10:36,928
Oh, that's great. Me too.
244
00:10:37,053 --> 00:10:39,347
And I want to go to Dave & Buster's.
245
00:10:39,472 --> 00:10:41,933
Tyler could buy games,
and I could win stuff.
246
00:10:43,518 --> 00:10:45,728
No, that's too expensive,
247
00:10:45,854 --> 00:10:48,231
and Tyler has bought you
enough stuff this week.
248
00:10:48,356 --> 00:10:49,732
I don't mind paying.
249
00:10:49,858 --> 00:10:51,568
I hate Uncle Chester's now.
250
00:10:51,693 --> 00:10:54,654
You go there, and I'll go
to Dave & Buster's with Tyler.
251
00:10:56,656 --> 00:10:57,740
Wow.
252
00:10:57,866 --> 00:11:01,077
We do not talk to each other like this.
253
00:11:01,202 --> 00:11:02,912
I don't think we're going anywhere,
254
00:11:03,037 --> 00:11:05,707
and Tyler is going home.
255
00:11:05,832 --> 00:11:07,750
Do I have to?
256
00:11:07,876 --> 00:11:09,711
Yeah, you do.
257
00:11:09,836 --> 00:11:11,421
I got to deal with this.
258
00:11:15,049 --> 00:11:16,593
Not fair.
259
00:11:18,636 --> 00:11:21,890
Normally, sending her to
a room would be a punishment,
260
00:11:22,015 --> 00:11:23,725
but now she's just going to go in there
261
00:11:23,850 --> 00:11:25,643
and make it rain on Mr. Giraffe.
262
00:11:30,023 --> 00:11:33,693
Okay, so I called you guys
because Bev is out of control,
263
00:11:33,818 --> 00:11:36,613
and Darlene and I can't
handle this alone.
264
00:11:36,738 --> 00:11:38,323
How does this affect us?
265
00:11:38,448 --> 00:11:41,326
And by us, I mean me, because
that's all I care about.
266
00:11:42,577 --> 00:11:44,412
Look, none of us
wants to deal with this,
267
00:11:44,537 --> 00:11:46,581
but she's about to leave us
a mountain of debt.
268
00:11:46,706 --> 00:11:48,416
And in case you haven't heard
the expression,
269
00:11:48,541 --> 00:11:50,168
debt runs downhill.
270
00:11:50,293 --> 00:11:52,795
Yeah, so we have to undo
everything she's done.
271
00:11:52,921 --> 00:11:54,756
Harris, you deal with the timeshare guy.
272
00:11:54,881 --> 00:11:57,216
You might have to fly to Miami
and throw him one,
273
00:11:57,342 --> 00:12:00,595
but we're talking
about thousands of dollars.
274
00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:03,222
Darlene, you've always been
the messenger of doom,
275
00:12:03,348 --> 00:12:06,559
so you tell the orphans
they're on their own again.
276
00:12:07,852 --> 00:12:09,228
All right, I'm a little rusty,
277
00:12:09,354 --> 00:12:11,022
but looking forward
to getting back on that horse.
278
00:12:11,147 --> 00:12:14,150
Okay, and, Ben, why don't
you work on canceling
279
00:12:14,275 --> 00:12:16,986
Bev's auto-pay contribution
to some organization
280
00:12:17,111 --> 00:12:19,197
called The Pyramid?
281
00:12:19,322 --> 00:12:21,074
That's it? What's the catch?
282
00:12:21,199 --> 00:12:23,117
Well, we're not exactly
sure what The Pyramid is,
283
00:12:23,242 --> 00:12:25,536
but according to all four documentaries,
284
00:12:25,662 --> 00:12:27,789
they're going to threaten you.
285
00:12:27,914 --> 00:12:29,040
Threaten me with what?
286
00:12:29,165 --> 00:12:32,001
Taking my money, my self-esteem.
287
00:12:32,126 --> 00:12:35,171
my Goodwill IZOD shirt?
288
00:12:35,296 --> 00:12:39,133
Somebody's got to do
something about those puppies.
289
00:12:39,258 --> 00:12:41,344
- No. No, no.
- No?
290
00:12:41,469 --> 00:12:43,972
- I'm not doing the puppies.
- Dan, you love animals.
291
00:12:44,097 --> 00:12:45,473
Yeah, but Beverly doesn't love me.
292
00:12:45,598 --> 00:12:48,184
I'm not going over
to that apartment by myself
293
00:12:48,309 --> 00:12:53,147
and try and pry a puppy
from her dry, bony clutches.
294
00:12:54,190 --> 00:12:55,525
- Darlene?
- Oh, no.
295
00:12:55,650 --> 00:12:57,485
I told her I was on tour
with Herman's Hermits.
296
00:12:57,610 --> 00:12:58,903
It'll just freak her out.
297
00:13:02,031 --> 00:13:04,033
Oh, God, fine.
298
00:13:04,158 --> 00:13:08,037
I'm gonna be making minimum
payments on my mom's card
299
00:13:08,162 --> 00:13:11,499
for the rest of my life after she dies.
300
00:13:11,624 --> 00:13:14,043
Wait a second.
301
00:13:14,168 --> 00:13:15,920
Oh, my God, I just remembered.
302
00:13:16,045 --> 00:13:18,965
After Mom died, I called
the credit card company,
303
00:13:19,090 --> 00:13:21,551
and they wiped
the balance clean on her card.
304
00:13:21,676 --> 00:13:23,469
They said it's just a tax loss.
305
00:13:23,594 --> 00:13:25,722
Holy crap, are you kidding me?
306
00:13:25,847 --> 00:13:27,348
No, I guess when it happened,
307
00:13:27,473 --> 00:13:29,642
there was just so much
going on, I blocked it out.
308
00:13:34,022 --> 00:13:36,524
So, if I'm hearing what you're saying,
309
00:13:36,649 --> 00:13:38,693
theoretically...
310
00:13:38,818 --> 00:13:41,446
a person could run up thousands
on her card
311
00:13:41,571 --> 00:13:44,699
and not have to pay anything
after she's gone.
312
00:13:46,034 --> 00:13:50,830
And if we expand on that theory...
313
00:13:50,955 --> 00:13:54,876
someone could use
Grandma Bev's card, say,
314
00:13:55,001 --> 00:13:56,836
to buy somebody's son a computer
315
00:13:56,961 --> 00:13:59,338
that they need for college.
316
00:13:59,464 --> 00:14:03,968
And if we really challenged this theory,
317
00:14:04,093 --> 00:14:06,721
a great-granddaughter
could get a new phone
318
00:14:06,846 --> 00:14:08,973
with, I don't know, unlimited data.
319
00:14:11,350 --> 00:14:13,019
Right.
320
00:14:13,144 --> 00:14:14,636
My knees are killing me.
321
00:14:14,745 --> 00:14:18,300
Is it okay if we talk softly
but up on the couch?
322
00:14:22,737 --> 00:14:24,781
Just come in.
323
00:14:24,906 --> 00:14:26,908
But if you're here to rob me,
I warn you,
324
00:14:27,033 --> 00:14:28,618
I have vicious dogs.
325
00:14:28,743 --> 00:14:30,119
Are you vicious dogs? Are you?
326
00:14:30,244 --> 00:14:33,081
Yes, you are. Yes, you are.
327
00:14:36,042 --> 00:14:37,835
I can't do this.
328
00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:40,463
Do you want the puppies
to eat Bev when she dies?
329
00:14:40,588 --> 00:14:44,127
You're right. No puppy should
have to ingest that much evil.
330
00:14:46,244 --> 00:14:48,513
Bev, I came here for a reason,
331
00:14:48,638 --> 00:14:50,681
and I want to make it clear
that, despite our history,
332
00:14:50,807 --> 00:14:52,350
I'm not looking for a fight.
333
00:14:52,475 --> 00:14:54,811
Well, since you're bringing
up our history,
334
00:14:54,936 --> 00:14:57,772
I think it's time to clear the air.
335
00:14:57,897 --> 00:14:59,482
Here we go.
336
00:14:59,607 --> 00:15:01,109
Dan, I've always been hard on you
337
00:15:01,234 --> 00:15:03,111
because I thought you were the rock
338
00:15:03,236 --> 00:15:05,863
that was going to bring Roseanne down.
339
00:15:05,988 --> 00:15:08,491
But I was wrong, because you turned out
340
00:15:08,616 --> 00:15:12,954
to be the rock that kept
everyone from blowing away.
341
00:15:13,079 --> 00:15:15,123
You're a good man.
342
00:15:17,333 --> 00:15:19,168
I'm scared, Daddy.
343
00:15:21,629 --> 00:15:23,297
Bev...
344
00:15:23,422 --> 00:15:25,550
do you know what you're saying?
345
00:15:25,675 --> 00:15:28,928
Because it would seem
to indicate that you like me.
346
00:15:29,053 --> 00:15:31,347
We find that troubling.
347
00:15:31,472 --> 00:15:33,933
Dan, I owe you for all of the happiness
348
00:15:34,058 --> 00:15:35,977
that my daughter had in this life
349
00:15:36,102 --> 00:15:39,438
and for my beautiful grandchildren.
350
00:15:39,564 --> 00:15:40,523
Thank you, Beverly.
351
00:15:40,648 --> 00:15:42,817
I really appreciate you saying that.
352
00:15:42,942 --> 00:15:44,861
I did my best.
353
00:15:44,986 --> 00:15:47,196
Dan, will you hand me the dog treats?
354
00:15:47,321 --> 00:15:51,075
I've got to reward my young men
for being such good boys.
355
00:15:52,660 --> 00:15:53,953
You know what, Bev?
356
00:15:54,078 --> 00:15:57,331
You've already been so nice to me today.
357
00:15:57,456 --> 00:15:59,333
And I hate to even ask you this,
358
00:15:59,458 --> 00:16:02,253
but would you even consider...
359
00:16:02,378 --> 00:16:04,839
giving this good boy your puppies?
360
00:16:04,964 --> 00:16:06,507
The kids are all out of the house,
361
00:16:06,632 --> 00:16:09,051
and I could use the company.
362
00:16:09,177 --> 00:16:11,512
I was hoping someone would ask.
363
00:16:11,637 --> 00:16:13,055
I'm worried they won't get along
364
00:16:13,181 --> 00:16:15,808
with the cockatoo I still have coming.
365
00:16:19,854 --> 00:16:22,857
Hey. Beverly Rose is in bed.
366
00:16:22,982 --> 00:16:25,902
When you get a chance,
come on over, and we'll talk.
367
00:16:28,029 --> 00:16:30,323
Is that you?
368
00:16:33,618 --> 00:16:35,119
Oh, my God.
369
00:16:37,788 --> 00:16:39,582
I was a little anxious, so
I just walked around the block
370
00:16:39,707 --> 00:16:41,250
a couple hundred times.
371
00:16:43,544 --> 00:16:47,089
Look, I know you're upset with me,
372
00:16:47,215 --> 00:16:49,550
but I know that if she doesn't
like me, I'll lose you.
373
00:16:49,675 --> 00:16:50,968
I've seen it before.
374
00:16:51,093 --> 00:16:54,513
And I've seen kids
be entitled little snots.
375
00:16:54,639 --> 00:16:56,265
So I took her $80,
376
00:16:56,390 --> 00:16:59,936
and I told her it was going
towards a college education.
377
00:17:00,061 --> 00:17:02,438
It's my college education,
378
00:17:02,563 --> 00:17:04,607
but she will still benefit from it.
379
00:17:06,859 --> 00:17:08,653
Okay. I get it.
380
00:17:08,778 --> 00:17:10,321
I went overboard.
381
00:17:10,446 --> 00:17:12,156
I'm just desperate to make this work.
382
00:17:12,281 --> 00:17:15,076
Yeah. I want to make it work, too.
383
00:17:15,201 --> 00:17:16,953
But you're setting Beverly Rose up
384
00:17:17,078 --> 00:17:19,205
for constant disappointment.
385
00:17:19,330 --> 00:17:22,250
And it's not one
of the many disappointments
386
00:17:22,375 --> 00:17:24,669
we've been preparing her for.
387
00:17:24,794 --> 00:17:26,254
Okay, so...
388
00:17:26,379 --> 00:17:29,048
if she doesn't like me,
what happens with us?
389
00:17:29,173 --> 00:17:31,884
A Conner will throw a child
out of the house
390
00:17:32,009 --> 00:17:34,720
for a man who makes a decent living.
391
00:17:34,845 --> 00:17:36,806
But I kind of like this kid,
392
00:17:36,931 --> 00:17:40,977
and I think, even without
the money and the gifts,
393
00:17:41,102 --> 00:17:43,521
she's going to like you as much as I do.
394
00:17:43,646 --> 00:17:45,940
Okay, so I got to get her
to like me for me.
395
00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:49,277
But even my mom makes me
buy her cigarettes
396
00:17:49,402 --> 00:17:50,861
and lotto tickets.
397
00:17:52,571 --> 00:17:56,617
Wow, a damaged man with money...
398
00:17:56,742 --> 00:17:59,787
marriage is definitely on the table.
399
00:18:03,582 --> 00:18:06,502
Remember, we have Bev
to thank for these presents.
400
00:18:06,627 --> 00:18:08,337
Huh.
401
00:18:08,462 --> 00:18:10,798
Really is like Christmas morning,
402
00:18:10,923 --> 00:18:13,718
if our parents made better
choices and really loved us.
403
00:18:13,843 --> 00:18:16,262
Uh, excuse me, it was my idea
404
00:18:16,394 --> 00:18:17,882
to cheat the credit card people.
405
00:18:17,976 --> 00:18:19,444
How about a little appreciation?
406
00:18:19,553 --> 00:18:22,018
Well, you can't take all the credit.
407
00:18:22,143 --> 00:18:25,855
It was me who actually
committed the fraud.
408
00:18:27,398 --> 00:18:31,360
Hey, Ben, Ben, did you see
Mark's new computer?
409
00:18:31,485 --> 00:18:32,862
Uh-huh. Yeah, it's pretty.
410
00:18:32,987 --> 00:18:35,031
Ben, how'd it go with canceling
411
00:18:35,156 --> 00:18:37,116
Bev's monthly subscription
to The Pyramid?
412
00:18:37,241 --> 00:18:39,452
You know...
413
00:18:39,577 --> 00:18:41,662
they actually have some good ideas.
414
00:18:43,831 --> 00:18:46,208
I do feel like my mind gets in the way
415
00:18:46,334 --> 00:18:49,378
of what I want to accomplish
on this planet.
416
00:18:49,503 --> 00:18:50,880
Yeah, well, don't get attached.
417
00:18:51,005 --> 00:18:52,214
As soon as they find out you're poor,
418
00:18:52,340 --> 00:18:54,091
they won't even let you scrub the boat.
419
00:18:54,216 --> 00:18:57,553
Hey, Harris, did you get
a chance to check out
420
00:18:57,678 --> 00:19:00,014
our new order-tablet software system?
421
00:19:00,139 --> 00:19:03,225
I already made an account for
the restaurant and signed in.
422
00:19:03,351 --> 00:19:05,644
- Look at this.
- Oh.
423
00:19:05,770 --> 00:19:09,231
"Welcome to The Munch Box.
424
00:19:09,357 --> 00:19:11,317
Please punch in your order, Jockey."
425
00:19:11,442 --> 00:19:16,238
Oh, darn. See, that took me,
like, six hours to do that.
426
00:19:16,364 --> 00:19:17,573
Good news...
427
00:19:17,698 --> 00:19:20,201
I got Bev's nurse to take the puppies.
428
00:19:20,326 --> 00:19:23,537
I passed a cockatoo in the hallway.
429
00:19:23,662 --> 00:19:24,747
Big bird.
430
00:19:24,872 --> 00:19:26,665
So, Dan...
431
00:19:26,791 --> 00:19:28,667
Dan, everybody else in the family
432
00:19:28,793 --> 00:19:30,378
got something from Bev's credit card,
433
00:19:30,511 --> 00:19:32,110
and I think you deserve something, too.
434
00:19:32,210 --> 00:19:33,735
Your options are
435
00:19:33,829 --> 00:19:38,052
a TV that looks like a painting
of a Paris street when it's off
436
00:19:38,177 --> 00:19:41,180
or two months of mortgage payments.
437
00:19:41,305 --> 00:19:45,601
Well, I-I do care about
what I leave for my children.
438
00:19:45,726 --> 00:19:48,229
But I want that TV painting.
439
00:19:50,689 --> 00:19:51,857
Oh.
440
00:19:51,982 --> 00:19:53,234
Hey, hon.
441
00:19:53,359 --> 00:19:56,862
Hey, we're going to order
the TV painting.
442
00:19:56,987 --> 00:19:59,073
Oh, they did, huh?
443
00:19:59,198 --> 00:20:00,449
Oh.
444
00:20:00,574 --> 00:20:02,243
Oh, okay, yeah.
445
00:20:02,368 --> 00:20:05,204
Um, let me call you back.
446
00:20:05,329 --> 00:20:07,094
- Everything okay?
- That was Neville.
447
00:20:07,196 --> 00:20:11,043
He said the credit card company
tried calling the house.
448
00:20:11,168 --> 00:20:13,254
I wasn't there, so they called my mom's
449
00:20:13,379 --> 00:20:15,256
to confirm all the new charges,
450
00:20:15,381 --> 00:20:18,134
and she denied making any of them.
451
00:20:18,259 --> 00:20:21,637
Well, she didn't.
452
00:20:21,762 --> 00:20:23,264
Thank you!
453
00:20:25,349 --> 00:20:27,184
So...
454
00:20:27,309 --> 00:20:31,147
they're going to investigate
the charges for fraud.
455
00:20:31,272 --> 00:20:33,274
And...
456
00:20:33,399 --> 00:20:36,944
You're the one responsible for this.
457
00:20:37,069 --> 00:20:39,613
No way. You bought the gifts,
so it was you.
458
00:20:39,738 --> 00:20:41,949
- You even said so.
- Well, you're the mastermind.
459
00:20:42,074 --> 00:20:45,453
You tried taking credit for it
just a minute ago.
460
00:20:45,578 --> 00:20:48,539
Well, a lot's changed
since then, Jockey.
461
00:20:52,877 --> 00:20:55,004
You can tell a lot about how
these kids will turn out
462
00:20:55,129 --> 00:20:56,964
by the valentines
they give Beverly Rose.
463
00:20:57,923 --> 00:20:59,675
"Roses are red, violets are blue,
464
00:20:59,800 --> 00:21:03,012
but it depends on
the composition of the soil."
465
00:21:03,137 --> 00:21:05,181
Tell Beverly Rose to kiss this boy.
466
00:21:05,306 --> 00:21:06,640
He's going to end up at Microsoft.
467
00:21:06,765 --> 00:21:08,851
Yeah.
468
00:21:08,976 --> 00:21:11,353
"I will give you my heart...
469
00:21:11,479 --> 00:21:15,816
even though my mom said
I'll die without it."
470
00:21:15,941 --> 00:21:19,195
Oh, and, look, Calder drew
a picture of himself
471
00:21:19,320 --> 00:21:22,239
ripping his tiny little heart
out of his chest.
472
00:21:22,364 --> 00:21:25,367
Lucky... I would have killed
for a connection like that.
34651
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