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1
00:00:25,940 --> 00:00:27,420
It's no good.
2
00:00:29,540 --> 00:00:31,020
I've not got the knack.
3
00:00:34,600 --> 00:00:37,059
Why is tha's a better
colour than mine?
4
00:00:37,060 --> 00:00:39,139
I'm not talking to you about washing!
5
00:00:39,140 --> 00:00:41,619
Well, he only asked, Mrs Batty.
6
00:00:41,620 --> 00:00:44,399
Yes and he only does it so he
can talk about my knickers!
7
00:00:44,400 --> 00:00:49,340
He's got no shame. I'd dry them
inside, but you never know when that
insurance man's going to come.
8
00:00:54,220 --> 00:00:58,179
I don't believe it! Have you
ever seen him lift a brush before?
9
00:00:58,180 --> 00:00:59,760
Only to the rent man!
10
00:01:02,060 --> 00:01:04,619
He's going funny.
I knew it'd happen,
11
00:01:04,620 --> 00:01:08,499
him living all alone.
He wants home help.
12
00:01:08,500 --> 00:01:10,259
He's had one.
13
00:01:10,260 --> 00:01:12,979
He got her drunk on Milk Stout.
14
00:01:12,980 --> 00:01:15,360
Never dared send him one since.
15
00:01:22,820 --> 00:01:27,619
This is no job for a man,
you need a woman about the place.
16
00:01:27,620 --> 00:01:30,899
Leave thy husband.
17
00:01:30,900 --> 00:01:34,819
I'll teach you
my horse-racing system,
I'll take all my bottles back.
18
00:01:34,820 --> 00:01:39,659
I know tha's married, but it's
not as if tha likes each other.
19
00:01:39,660 --> 00:01:42,699
Oh, I miss a woman's touch!
20
00:01:42,700 --> 00:01:46,759
You won't in a minute!
I'll give you a swipe round
th'earhole if you come closer!
21
00:01:46,760 --> 00:01:49,579
Right, you've had your chance,
Nora Batty.
22
00:01:49,580 --> 00:01:54,259
I could have brought a little
something into your drab life,
a little bit of magic.
23
00:01:54,260 --> 00:01:56,580
Like... my washing.
24
00:01:58,860 --> 00:02:01,579
Oh, no! Look, it's black!
25
00:02:01,580 --> 00:02:03,959
It was my father's, this watch.
26
00:02:03,960 --> 00:02:06,099
Never mind that, look at the time.
27
00:02:06,100 --> 00:02:11,019
Railway company gave it to him,
LNER. He's late, isn't he?
28
00:02:11,020 --> 00:02:15,659
He got this and a handshake
from the district superintendent.
29
00:02:15,660 --> 00:02:18,179
Fellow with bad breath
called Hibertson.
30
00:02:18,180 --> 00:02:20,379
Never been as late as this, has he?
31
00:02:20,380 --> 00:02:23,659
Funny name for bad breath,
Hibertson.
32
00:02:23,660 --> 00:02:26,859
Do stop regarding it frivolously,
this could be serious!
33
00:02:26,860 --> 00:02:28,219
It is serious.
34
00:02:28,220 --> 00:02:32,619
There's nothing more serious
than a railway-steel watch,
especially before the war.
35
00:02:32,620 --> 00:02:34,819
It came to me when he died.
36
00:02:34,820 --> 00:02:39,659
I gave his waistcoat
with the sleeves
to their Ernest for his motorbike.
37
00:02:39,660 --> 00:02:41,979
All the same, I think
we ought to look into it.
38
00:02:41,980 --> 00:02:45,259
In the name of humanity, we can't
ignore the scruffy little twit.
39
00:02:45,260 --> 00:02:50,179
I'll say this for you, Cyril,
you never flinch from poking your
nose into other people's affairs.
40
00:02:50,180 --> 00:02:53,559
From the highest possible motives.
Suppose he's just lying there?
41
00:02:53,560 --> 00:02:57,459
How will it reflect
on us at the inquest
if he's been dead for three weeks?
42
00:02:57,460 --> 00:03:01,419
We only left him last night.
Stuffing his face with fish,
chips and mushy peas.
43
00:03:01,420 --> 00:03:04,659
You know what I mean.
I know what you mean -
44
00:03:04,660 --> 00:03:09,759
he's been acting a bit funny lately
and you're straining your braces
to find out what he's been up to.
45
00:03:09,760 --> 00:03:12,059
Well, I admit, I am curious.
46
00:03:12,060 --> 00:03:14,139
Some might even say peculiar.
47
00:03:14,140 --> 00:03:19,459
All very well sitting there all smug
nursing your father's heirloom,
but wouldn't you like to know?
48
00:03:19,460 --> 00:03:20,979
I do know. What?
49
00:03:20,980 --> 00:03:25,319
It's obvious.
Happens every year about this time.
50
00:03:25,320 --> 00:03:28,219
You know, you might condescend
to confide in me some time.
51
00:03:28,220 --> 00:03:31,739
I'm as interested as you in what's
happened to the grimy little Herbert.
52
00:03:31,740 --> 00:03:33,259
It's spring, Cyril.
53
00:03:33,260 --> 00:03:35,319
Compo's feeling the spring.
54
00:03:35,320 --> 00:03:38,179
Do you mean his...?
Sap's rising. Yes.
55
00:03:38,180 --> 00:03:41,619
Well! The evil little monkey.
56
00:03:41,620 --> 00:03:44,280
Come on, let's go
and get him out in the fresh air.
57
00:04:01,940 --> 00:04:04,939
That's the first time
I've seen his naked elbows.
58
00:04:04,940 --> 00:04:07,419
You've seen them through
the holes in his garments.
59
00:04:07,420 --> 00:04:13,339
Aye, brief, tantalising glimpses,
but never wild and free like this.
60
00:04:13,340 --> 00:04:16,379
They are not unlike
the Emperor Hirohito's.
61
00:04:16,380 --> 00:04:20,179
With respect, Clegg, what do you
know about the Emperor's elbows?
62
00:04:20,180 --> 00:04:23,539
Just that they're halfway up his
sleeve, the same as anybody else's.
63
00:04:23,540 --> 00:04:25,060
Hey up!
64
00:04:27,060 --> 00:04:30,339
Hey, you daft Mary,
creeping up on folk like that!
65
00:04:30,340 --> 00:04:35,019
If there's one thing
I thought we could rely on,
it's you being grimy and repulsive.
66
00:04:35,020 --> 00:04:39,179
And here you are, behind our backs,
being furtively hygienic.
67
00:04:39,180 --> 00:04:41,979
I'm only cleaning a window!
68
00:04:41,980 --> 00:04:46,979
Batty's pigeons. She feeds them
on that rubbishy corn.
It snows here twice a day.
69
00:04:46,980 --> 00:04:50,859
If Nora Batty were my wife
I wouldn't waste my time
70
00:04:50,860 --> 00:04:54,740
putting rubber bicycle clips
on diarrhoea-ridden pigeons!
71
00:04:58,780 --> 00:05:01,459
Hey, look at him.
When you see movements like that,
72
00:05:01,460 --> 00:05:03,739
you're dealing with
a guilty conscience.
73
00:05:03,740 --> 00:05:06,139
What's tha on about,
"guilty conscience?"
74
00:05:06,140 --> 00:05:10,539
I've seen it all before,
like at school, when you were
caught with Teresa Monahue.
75
00:05:10,540 --> 00:05:12,459
That were Charlie Alroyd.
76
00:05:12,460 --> 00:05:15,139
What, in that cheeky little gymslip?
It never was!
77
00:05:15,140 --> 00:05:17,979
It's a right double life,
you're leading, isn't it?
78
00:05:17,980 --> 00:05:23,179
Don't thee start! You think you
know somebody and all these years
he's been a secret cleaner!
79
00:05:23,180 --> 00:05:25,779
We've caught you with the mask off
now, haven't we?
80
00:05:25,780 --> 00:05:29,180
Nobody asked either of
tha to come snooping. Nosy!
81
00:05:30,900 --> 00:05:35,379
That's what you get for being
a Good Samaritan, you see,
told to mind your own business.
82
00:05:35,380 --> 00:05:38,299
Good Samaritan, thee?
Ex-milk monitor?
83
00:05:38,300 --> 00:05:43,139
"How dare you interfere with
that victim lying in the gutter?"
That's the attitude these days.
84
00:05:43,140 --> 00:05:46,739
They'll defend every man's right
to be lying bleeding in the gutter.
85
00:05:46,740 --> 00:05:50,339
Well, I'm not lying in the bleeding
gutter, so get back to the library!
86
00:05:50,340 --> 00:05:54,939
Hey, he's not only been cleaning
those windows, he's been
beating this carpet an' all.
87
00:05:54,940 --> 00:05:57,339
It's not a crime, is it?
He's busy, isn't he?
88
00:05:57,340 --> 00:05:59,739
Yes, I'm just having
a quick flick through.
89
00:05:59,740 --> 00:06:03,019
I've told you,
it's been coming on for a week.
90
00:06:03,020 --> 00:06:07,739
You can always tell
when he starts doodling flowers
on his betting slips.
91
00:06:07,740 --> 00:06:13,219
Sweet peas and wood anemones.
92
00:06:13,220 --> 00:06:16,499
Get stuffed, the pair of you!
93
00:06:16,500 --> 00:06:18,099
You know his trouble?
94
00:06:18,100 --> 00:06:21,379
Doesn't get enough fresh air,
and his dart's unbalanced, too.
95
00:06:21,380 --> 00:06:23,299
You know, you want more fresh fruit.
96
00:06:23,300 --> 00:06:25,879
I want to be left alone,
that's what I want.
97
00:06:25,880 --> 00:06:27,699
And we all know why, don't we?
98
00:06:27,700 --> 00:06:32,379
So you can make a fool of
yourself in front of some
unbelievable, unseemly female.
99
00:06:32,380 --> 00:06:36,019
Don't be harsh, he liked her
that worked for McAlpine.
100
00:06:36,020 --> 00:06:37,939
She didn't work for McAlpine.
101
00:06:37,940 --> 00:06:41,019
She had it writ in large letters
all over her donkey jacket!
102
00:06:41,020 --> 00:06:44,699
That were a gift from
the Irish hooligan that
worked on the bulldozer.
103
00:06:44,700 --> 00:06:48,899
Rubbish! With her on the payroll,
what would they need a bulldozer for?
104
00:06:52,400 --> 00:06:55,879
You're treading on
sensitive ground, Cyril.
105
00:06:55,880 --> 00:06:58,519
Theirs was an impulsive,
madcap affair,
106
00:06:58,520 --> 00:07:02,919
destined to end the minute
she took off with that
plastic barometer he won at bingo.
107
00:07:02,920 --> 00:07:05,919
She said it were
going to be changeable.
108
00:07:05,920 --> 00:07:09,639
Here, I'm not keeping you
in smokes so you can
go out with funny women.
109
00:07:09,640 --> 00:07:12,079
They weren't all funny.
That's very true.
110
00:07:12,080 --> 00:07:17,519
Who was that sweet little thing
with the voice that could open
cans of beer?
111
00:07:17,520 --> 00:07:19,119
Who's tha on about?
112
00:07:19,120 --> 00:07:21,180
Her that bit your ferrets?
113
00:07:23,440 --> 00:07:25,599
Ah, tha means Eunice.
114
00:07:25,600 --> 00:07:27,719
You came across her in the bar.
115
00:07:27,720 --> 00:07:30,279
That's right, under one
of them long benches.
116
00:07:30,280 --> 00:07:32,039
She used to get me into fights.
117
00:07:32,040 --> 00:07:35,279
I don't know why
you don't pack it in!
118
00:07:35,280 --> 00:07:38,039
Well, it's summat you have to do.
119
00:07:38,040 --> 00:07:42,179
It's like my cousin Vince -
he went off to Australia.
120
00:07:42,180 --> 00:07:44,479
How do you explain it?
121
00:07:44,480 --> 00:07:48,999
You don't explain it, he'd gone
before they could serve the warrant.
122
00:07:49,000 --> 00:07:54,199
Australians look a bit like ferrets.
Aye, they do.
123
00:07:54,200 --> 00:07:55,799
It's the sun, you know.
124
00:07:55,800 --> 00:07:58,559
Does away with
all the nutrients in the skin.
125
00:07:58,560 --> 00:08:00,559
What a load of cobblers!
126
00:08:00,560 --> 00:08:03,799
Let's go and buy him a drink,
get him in a better mood.
127
00:08:03,800 --> 00:08:05,240
Aye, come on.
128
00:08:45,440 --> 00:08:48,000
That's what you miss,
the companionship.
129
00:08:49,600 --> 00:08:52,039
I'm going home! It's early yet.
130
00:08:52,040 --> 00:08:56,599
I've had enough.
I'm going home, get a bite to eat
and watch a bit of telly.
131
00:08:56,600 --> 00:08:59,200
May your batteries never go flat.
132
00:09:04,440 --> 00:09:12,339
♪ Love is a many splendored thing
133
00:09:12,340 --> 00:09:20,280
♪ It's the April rose that only
grows in the early spring... ♪
134
00:09:33,159 --> 00:09:37,939
They say if you stand on the top of
you can see Manchester.
135
00:09:37,940 --> 00:09:41,739
That's the way of things, Cyril,
always a snag.
136
00:09:41,740 --> 00:09:46,159
I wonder if these nylon socks
are good for your feet.
137
00:09:46,160 --> 00:09:49,559
I see the Lauderdales have
still got that barrel organ.
138
00:09:49,560 --> 00:09:52,359
They're supposed to be doing it up.
139
00:09:52,360 --> 00:09:55,399
I wonder if the nylon lets
them breathe. Is he any good?
140
00:09:55,400 --> 00:09:57,879
I wouldn't want him
round my barrel organ.
141
00:09:57,880 --> 00:10:01,439
Delusions of grandeur,
quite out of his depth.
142
00:10:01,440 --> 00:10:06,239
Got everything out of proportion when
he mended their Giddy's Lambretta.
143
00:10:06,240 --> 00:10:08,639
I always liked their Sammy best.
144
00:10:08,640 --> 00:10:10,319
I can't say I knew him.
145
00:10:10,320 --> 00:10:13,559
Nice little fellow. It was very sad.
146
00:10:13,560 --> 00:10:17,319
What happened? He had to
go and live in Peterborough.
147
00:10:17,320 --> 00:10:22,599
They've no discretion, have they,
flies? They leap in with both feet.
148
00:10:22,600 --> 00:10:26,839
Come on out, you guzzling article!
Look at it.
149
00:10:26,840 --> 00:10:29,759
It's going to have a right
flaming head in the morning!
150
00:10:29,760 --> 00:10:35,039
No doubt secreted
half a million repulsive organisms
in your light ale.
151
00:10:35,040 --> 00:10:37,119
And we think life's
dangerous for us.
152
00:10:37,120 --> 00:10:40,719
How do you think that
saturated little pillock feels?
153
00:10:40,720 --> 00:10:42,518
What's his daily round then?
154
00:10:42,519 --> 00:10:47,039
Fancy having to leap into existence
155
00:10:47,040 --> 00:10:50,039
No wonder he's in
a rush to get stoned.
156
00:10:50,040 --> 00:10:55,759
We used to have them,
four inches long, crawling around
the cook house in the Far East.
157
00:10:55,760 --> 00:10:58,119
They used to get into your cocoa.
158
00:10:58,120 --> 00:11:02,719
There's to be hope
there is something somewhere
keeping an eye on little things.
159
00:11:02,720 --> 00:11:06,519
We were always keeping a damn good
eye on little things, I assure you.
160
00:11:06,520 --> 00:11:10,399
As a general rule they tended to
avoid anything with currants in it.
161
00:11:10,400 --> 00:11:15,599
Out there, you could never be sure
that an Eccles cake
would lie gently and be eaten.
162
00:11:15,600 --> 00:11:21,718
Very disconcerting
when you see the fourth raisin from
the right get up and walk away.
163
00:11:21,719 --> 00:11:26,039
Still, at least they've got wings.
164
00:11:26,040 --> 00:11:31,959
A few simple modifications to your
vest, careful how you adjust your
braces and you're off - airborne.
165
00:11:31,960 --> 00:11:36,399
Everywhere's a short cut. Then you
realise there's no long way round.
166
00:11:36,400 --> 00:11:38,359
The place was crawling with them.
167
00:11:38,360 --> 00:11:42,399
Never had any trouble with
my feet, though, despite the heat.
168
00:11:42,400 --> 00:11:45,239
Just a slight rash
under my webbing, that's all.
169
00:11:45,240 --> 00:11:47,999
Under your webbing?
Sounds like a duck's disease.
170
00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:50,439
We were wearing wool, you see.
Natural fibre.
171
00:11:50,440 --> 00:11:52,799
For sheep it's natural fibre.
172
00:11:52,800 --> 00:11:57,439
Get down to brass tacks,
all that we can call natural is skin
173
00:11:57,440 --> 00:12:00,439
There's every chance
we are descended from the banana.
174
00:12:00,440 --> 00:12:02,559
Lets the feet breathe.
175
00:12:02,560 --> 00:12:06,439
No, our main problem was parasites.
176
00:12:06,440 --> 00:12:09,839
But we can all get used to parasites
who shall be nameless.
177
00:12:09,840 --> 00:12:12,439
Where is the tatty Herbert?
178
00:12:12,440 --> 00:12:13,920
He should be back by now.
179
00:12:19,840 --> 00:12:21,599
Oh dear, I'm smoking too heavy.
180
00:12:21,600 --> 00:12:24,259
When he's around, he cadges
two out of every three.
181
00:12:24,260 --> 00:12:26,879
Do you think
I want to shorten my life?
182
00:12:26,880 --> 00:12:29,319
At this rate,
I shall be dead before I'm 112.
183
00:12:29,320 --> 00:12:33,659
He'll come back when he's ready,
his whiskers bent and his fur torn.
184
00:12:33,660 --> 00:12:38,659
He should be outdoors
instead of inside
watching them Continental films.
185
00:12:38,660 --> 00:12:43,079
It's really none of our
business, Cyril, which always
makes it the more attractive.
186
00:12:43,080 --> 00:12:46,920
So let's dump this stuff and go and
see what the hell he's been up to.
187
00:12:57,760 --> 00:13:00,879
Hey, all the jam jars have gone.
188
00:13:00,880 --> 00:13:02,759
Has he moved his ferrets?
189
00:13:02,760 --> 00:13:06,259
They're not on the table.
Oh dear, do you think it's serious?
190
00:13:06,260 --> 00:13:10,759
If he's started neglecting
his ferrets, there's
no knowing where it will end.
191
00:13:10,760 --> 00:13:12,719
He's not in, he's gone.
192
00:13:12,720 --> 00:13:16,199
Good morning, madam, I wonder if
you could possibly tell us where?
193
00:13:16,200 --> 00:13:18,119
I could tell you
all sorts about him.
194
00:13:18,120 --> 00:13:20,479
Come on, Mrs Batty,
he's a fan of yours.
195
00:13:20,480 --> 00:13:22,919
I know what he's a fan of.
196
00:13:22,920 --> 00:13:28,879
He speaks very highly of you,
Mrs Batty, as Mr Blamire here
will confirm. Very highly, madam.
197
00:13:28,880 --> 00:13:31,000
You're his ideal of womanhood.
198
00:13:32,560 --> 00:13:35,319
You're as daft as he is,
Norman Clegg.
199
00:13:35,320 --> 00:13:39,879
He refers constantly
to your matchless flaky pastry
and your sharp tongue.
200
00:13:39,880 --> 00:13:43,079
What about your Edie
for a sharp tongue?
201
00:13:43,080 --> 00:13:44,799
Superb in her day,
202
00:13:44,800 --> 00:13:48,319
but very much quieter
since she's been dead, God rest her.
203
00:13:48,320 --> 00:13:53,119
Leaving you at the top of
your field with the possible
exception of big Ivy at the caff.
204
00:13:53,120 --> 00:13:57,519
Her? If it came to a slanging match,
I could soon sort her out.
205
00:13:57,520 --> 00:14:00,719
She's got too much flesh on her
to be really mean.
206
00:14:00,720 --> 00:14:02,999
Where's he gone, then?
207
00:14:03,000 --> 00:14:06,679
Where does he always go?
Too far if he gets half the chance.
208
00:14:06,680 --> 00:14:09,400
He's no respect
for the sanctity of marriage.
209
00:14:11,060 --> 00:14:13,559
I bet her old man's
not got a lot left either.
210
00:14:13,560 --> 00:14:15,000
I heard that!
211
00:14:17,320 --> 00:14:19,879
You were dicing with death there,
weren't you?
212
00:14:19,880 --> 00:14:23,680
You forget, Cyril, I've had years
of marital combat experience.
213
00:14:46,374 --> 00:14:47,834
Hello!
214
00:14:49,914 --> 00:14:52,073
I didn't get this suit from here.
215
00:14:52,074 --> 00:14:54,973
I thought
I didn't recognise the material.
216
00:14:54,974 --> 00:14:58,873
This is 30 Bob Tailors,
afore your time.
217
00:14:58,874 --> 00:15:00,593
Manager had a bald head.
218
00:15:00,594 --> 00:15:03,993
His daughter went for
a cookery teacher.
219
00:15:03,994 --> 00:15:06,793
I thought I'd come in for a new one.
220
00:15:06,794 --> 00:15:08,573
Well, how would you like it, sir?
221
00:15:08,574 --> 00:15:12,034
Oh I don't care,
as long as I get it!
222
00:15:13,594 --> 00:15:14,714
Sure.
223
00:15:44,994 --> 00:15:46,474
You got the time, lad?
224
00:16:11,734 --> 00:16:13,553
What is it now?
225
00:16:13,554 --> 00:16:15,994
Can't you do something
without asking... What?
226
00:16:22,154 --> 00:16:23,673
Pour him a cup of tea.
227
00:16:23,674 --> 00:16:25,353
He hasn't asked for a cup of tea.
228
00:16:25,354 --> 00:16:27,273
Do as I say, pour him one.
229
00:16:27,274 --> 00:16:28,873
What do you think he wants?
230
00:16:28,874 --> 00:16:32,193
He might want a coffee. Well,
he's never asked for coffee before!
231
00:16:32,194 --> 00:16:34,734
He's never been dressed
like that before, either.
232
00:16:47,154 --> 00:16:49,473
It's aftershave, does tha like it?
233
00:16:49,474 --> 00:16:55,193
I do like it.
I keep telling him to get some on,
that big ugly devil there.
234
00:16:55,194 --> 00:16:57,473
She forgets you've got to
face a dart team.
235
00:16:57,474 --> 00:17:00,533
Yeah, he thinks he's irresistible,
smelling of chip fat.
236
00:17:00,534 --> 00:17:03,273
Tha don't think I've gone
too far, like? Too far?
237
00:17:03,274 --> 00:17:05,754
You look like a dressed-up haggis!
238
00:17:07,394 --> 00:17:12,073
You've done right, love.
They could all do with
smartening up a bit round here.
239
00:17:12,074 --> 00:17:15,954
He thinks he ought
to have an anaesthetic
before you remove his underwear.
240
00:17:17,234 --> 00:17:18,533
For washing, that is.
241
00:17:18,534 --> 00:17:21,154
He can't get it off quick enough
for messing about!
242
00:17:25,394 --> 00:17:26,993
Has tha been following me?
243
00:17:26,994 --> 00:17:31,533
It's something you will have to
get used to if you continue
wearing things like that.
244
00:17:31,534 --> 00:17:34,153
Aye, how much do you have to
pay a week on that lot?
245
00:17:34,154 --> 00:17:37,553
10 bob. Oh yes, and how are
you going to rake up the deposit?
246
00:17:37,554 --> 00:17:41,993
Well, I had a treble come up,
six quid. It's nowt to do with thee.
247
00:17:41,994 --> 00:17:45,493
Enough to keep you in the lap
of luxury for about 40 minutes.
248
00:17:45,494 --> 00:17:46,793
And where's your ferrets?
249
00:17:46,794 --> 00:17:49,553
Ah, tha's been snooping, I see.
250
00:17:49,554 --> 00:17:52,273
They're all right.
They're in the outside lav.
251
00:17:52,274 --> 00:17:54,533
By hell, that's irresponsible!
252
00:17:54,534 --> 00:17:57,553
There could be
an appalling accident there.
253
00:17:57,554 --> 00:18:00,393
They're all right,
they're wrapped up warm.
254
00:18:00,394 --> 00:18:03,194
And have you got them in
Harry Lauder hats as well?
255
00:18:05,394 --> 00:18:07,353
It's aftershave.
256
00:18:07,354 --> 00:18:12,553
Ivy, give us two teas, love,
and something sticky for a bun.
257
00:18:12,554 --> 00:18:14,333
Do you want a bun?
258
00:18:14,334 --> 00:18:16,673
No, I've not got any appetite.
259
00:18:16,674 --> 00:18:19,553
Not much taste, either.
260
00:18:19,554 --> 00:18:23,393
And why didn't you go
to that 30 Bob Tailors?
261
00:18:23,394 --> 00:18:27,093
I would have,
but there were that barney
over the suit I got married in.
262
00:18:27,094 --> 00:18:29,313
You're not still paying on that?
263
00:18:29,314 --> 00:18:32,913
Just the last two instalments,
that's all there were.
264
00:18:32,914 --> 00:18:36,553
I kept up the payments until
she ran off with that flaming Pole
265
00:18:36,554 --> 00:18:39,953
and I thought, "Right,
let that twit pay for it."
266
00:18:39,954 --> 00:18:44,153
You've not been all that fortunate
in your choice of women, have you?
267
00:18:44,154 --> 00:18:47,754
You haven't struck that celestial
note of harmony, as it were.
268
00:18:49,234 --> 00:18:51,433
No, it's true.
269
00:18:51,434 --> 00:18:54,793
She were all right
that worked in the crisp factory...
270
00:18:54,794 --> 00:18:58,194
till they started flavouring
everything with cheese and onion.
271
00:18:59,514 --> 00:19:01,193
But by and large, it's true.
272
00:19:01,194 --> 00:19:02,953
But you still keep on trying.
273
00:19:02,954 --> 00:19:04,913
Why should I go through life alone?
274
00:19:04,914 --> 00:19:07,433
Because you are old,
ugly and repulsive.
275
00:19:07,434 --> 00:19:09,353
I'm not all that old.
276
00:19:09,354 --> 00:19:11,513
Besides, you got to keep trying.
277
00:19:11,514 --> 00:19:13,834
Anyway, it keeps
my mind of Mrs Batty.
278
00:19:16,914 --> 00:19:20,713
Cyril here manages to go through
life without the comfort of a woman.
279
00:19:20,714 --> 00:19:23,153
I should think so!
Has tha seen his landlady?
280
00:19:23,154 --> 00:19:27,193
She makes the finest
batter pudding, I'll have you know,
in this entire area!
281
00:19:27,194 --> 00:19:31,313
I take this point, Cyril. Is it
enough for a lasting relationship?
282
00:19:31,314 --> 00:19:33,293
I have been there 12 years.
283
00:19:33,294 --> 00:19:36,093
Does tha believe in destiny?
284
00:19:36,094 --> 00:19:38,633
Ah, now that's what
you learn in the Far East.
285
00:19:38,634 --> 00:19:43,253
"And the moving finger writes,
and having writ, moves on."
286
00:19:43,254 --> 00:19:47,993
I should think it would
move on after writing some of
that stuff on the bus shelter.
287
00:19:47,994 --> 00:19:52,033
Perhaps is my destiny
to end up with a woman.
288
00:19:52,034 --> 00:19:54,593
You need someone.
289
00:19:54,594 --> 00:19:57,293
It's not only the physical side...
290
00:19:57,294 --> 00:19:59,633
Fetching her coal in, you mean.
291
00:19:59,634 --> 00:20:01,233
You know what I mean!
292
00:20:01,234 --> 00:20:03,493
You need somebody there,
293
00:20:03,494 --> 00:20:05,113
to shout at you.
294
00:20:05,114 --> 00:20:07,513
Hey, take mine. Hey!
295
00:20:07,514 --> 00:20:09,393
You don't know when you're well-off.
296
00:20:09,394 --> 00:20:11,353
What time
do them Bradford buses run?
297
00:20:11,354 --> 00:20:15,033
On the half-hour. Well,
maybe she will be on the next one.
298
00:20:15,034 --> 00:20:16,434
Can I borrow your hanky?
299
00:20:17,554 --> 00:20:20,234
I advertised for
this housekeeper, you see.
300
00:20:22,154 --> 00:20:24,953
If we get on,
you know, we hit it off,
301
00:20:24,954 --> 00:20:27,633
well, I might not be around as much.
302
00:20:27,634 --> 00:20:30,833
Oh dear, I can just picture
the domestic scene -
303
00:20:30,834 --> 00:20:33,593
arm-in-arm they saunter
into the setting sun,
304
00:20:33,594 --> 00:20:37,953
pursued only by debt collectors
and a pair of chattering ferrets!
305
00:20:37,954 --> 00:20:40,473
Do you know anything
about this woman?
306
00:20:40,474 --> 00:20:42,353
I don't want to.
307
00:20:42,354 --> 00:20:45,353
That's part of the magic,
isn't it, finding out?
308
00:20:45,354 --> 00:20:47,673
Romance is a lottery.
309
00:20:47,674 --> 00:20:50,273
If you want to gamble,
stick to horses.
310
00:20:50,274 --> 00:20:52,554
He does, take a look at his women!
311
00:21:57,754 --> 00:22:02,393
Bloody romantic, this is(!)
4.10 in the afternoon.
312
00:22:02,394 --> 00:22:05,674
Well, I don't what else
we can do till bedtime.
313
00:22:17,754 --> 00:22:19,194
With tha bare hands?
314
00:22:22,154 --> 00:22:24,073
They all left me a bit of summat.
315
00:22:24,074 --> 00:22:27,153
I bet they couldn't wait,
could they?
316
00:22:27,154 --> 00:22:28,793
It's more than you'd do.
317
00:22:28,794 --> 00:22:30,593
You've no assets.
318
00:22:30,594 --> 00:22:33,673
I've got my magnetic personality.
319
00:22:33,674 --> 00:22:35,673
You're a wastrel!
320
00:22:35,674 --> 00:22:38,353
There's that an' all.
321
00:22:38,354 --> 00:22:42,873
There'd be no security wi' you.
Tha'd have a roof over tha head.
322
00:22:42,874 --> 00:22:44,913
It leaks!
323
00:22:44,914 --> 00:22:46,354
Not all over.
324
00:22:57,414 --> 00:23:01,033
It wants another cup of tea.
325
00:23:01,034 --> 00:23:04,873
Are you getting anywhere?
Well, I'm getting splashed a bit.
326
00:23:04,874 --> 00:23:08,433
Looks like you've got
one of nature's hearty eaters there.
327
00:23:08,434 --> 00:23:11,713
Come on, Sid, what does thou reckon?
328
00:23:11,714 --> 00:23:14,313
How does it look to thee?
329
00:23:14,314 --> 00:23:16,273
Hungry.
330
00:23:16,274 --> 00:23:17,953
Aye, I know that.
331
00:23:17,954 --> 00:23:21,273
Well, I know it's not new, like,
332
00:23:21,274 --> 00:23:23,153
but I've seen worse.
333
00:23:23,154 --> 00:23:24,714
Only with thee.
334
00:23:26,554 --> 00:23:28,513
That's what I mean.
335
00:23:28,514 --> 00:23:29,633
I've HAD worse.
336
00:23:29,634 --> 00:23:33,074
You've had pneumonia, but you don't
want to go steady with it, do you?
337
00:23:37,234 --> 00:23:41,814
Come on, it's not all that bad,
from some angles.
338
00:23:44,814 --> 00:23:45,873
Eh?
339
00:23:45,874 --> 00:23:49,354
It's no good asking my opinion. I
mean, you've seen my judgment in...
340
00:23:52,434 --> 00:23:53,513
How many sugar?
341
00:23:53,514 --> 00:23:55,413
Six. Six?
342
00:23:55,414 --> 00:23:57,274
She should have some energy, anyway!
343
00:24:03,754 --> 00:24:06,354
Here. Put it down, then.
344
00:24:25,314 --> 00:24:28,614
Look, that were taken
of me at Maplethorpe.
345
00:24:30,874 --> 00:24:31,953
Urgh!
346
00:24:31,954 --> 00:24:34,714
Get... Pleuch!
347
00:24:39,014 --> 00:24:42,213
Look, it's no use
coming to me for security.
348
00:24:42,214 --> 00:24:45,433
Unless tha's ready for a mad,
irresponsible escapade,
349
00:24:45,434 --> 00:24:46,873
tha'd better get off now.
350
00:24:46,874 --> 00:24:48,753
Don't worry, I shall.
351
00:24:48,754 --> 00:24:51,633
Look, there's some blokes
you can settle down with
352
00:24:51,634 --> 00:24:55,554
and there's other blokes like me
that you come to
for thrills and excitement.
353
00:24:57,114 --> 00:24:58,874
You and Errol Flynn!
354
00:25:00,234 --> 00:25:02,353
Have you got owt in the Post Office?
355
00:25:02,354 --> 00:25:06,153
I just bought you a plate of
mushy peas, what more do you want?
356
00:25:06,154 --> 00:25:08,433
No insurance? I don't believe in it.
357
00:25:08,434 --> 00:25:10,233
What do you believe in, then?
358
00:25:10,234 --> 00:25:14,994
I believe that under all that
mad chatter, tha's a real sexpot.
359
00:25:20,274 --> 00:25:24,073
Well, where are you taking me?
You promised me a night out,
didn't you?
360
00:25:24,074 --> 00:25:26,993
You've had it, this is it.
361
00:25:26,994 --> 00:25:29,913
You must be joking!
362
00:25:29,914 --> 00:25:35,573
You don't think
you're sweeping me off my feet
with just one plate of mushy peas?
363
00:25:35,574 --> 00:25:38,473
Come on! Let's go.
364
00:25:38,474 --> 00:25:43,274
Where to? It's your town,
swinger, lead the way!
365
00:26:00,434 --> 00:26:03,273
Hello, my little passion flower.
366
00:26:03,274 --> 00:26:05,673
She's not got your washing out,
I see.
367
00:26:05,674 --> 00:26:07,633
She don't look
much of a washer to me.
368
00:26:07,634 --> 00:26:10,993
I shouldn't need anybody if
you'd co-operate occasionally,
369
00:26:10,994 --> 00:26:15,574
melted a bit sometimes, let me run
my fingers through your curlers.
370
00:26:44,274 --> 00:26:46,713
Hey, she went off!
371
00:26:46,714 --> 00:26:48,433
She took all my new stuff wi' her.
372
00:26:48,434 --> 00:26:52,713
There you are, you see -
every cloud has a silver lining.
373
00:26:52,714 --> 00:26:54,834
Don't jump!
374
00:26:56,914 --> 00:27:00,433
Your left hand oar.
Your left hand oar!
375
00:27:00,434 --> 00:27:01,914
Starboard, do you mind?
376
00:27:06,394 --> 00:27:08,473
Tha's going around in circles!
377
00:27:08,474 --> 00:27:10,314
Hark who's bloody talking!
378
00:27:17,434 --> 00:27:21,513
Here, grab this. Me arm's
fixed to my shoulder, you know?
379
00:27:21,514 --> 00:27:24,633
Don't stand on that!
It makes you wonder
380
00:27:24,634 --> 00:27:28,473
how they get big ships through
small holes. Here, grab it.
381
00:27:28,474 --> 00:27:29,993
He'll have us in!
382
00:27:29,994 --> 00:27:31,793
Shut your face!
383
00:27:31,794 --> 00:27:35,274
Look lively! Get it in!
384
00:27:38,134 --> 00:27:39,993
Get off! Come here!
385
00:27:39,994 --> 00:27:42,674
I've got to get over there.
386
00:27:43,754 --> 00:27:45,954
There we are. You'll have me over.
387
00:27:49,594 --> 00:27:50,934
Hey up!
388
00:27:52,134 --> 00:27:53,873
She's buried three husbands.
389
00:27:53,874 --> 00:27:55,534
Were they all dead?
390
00:27:57,394 --> 00:27:59,733
She were a brandy drinker.
391
00:27:59,734 --> 00:28:02,433
I thought I'd get her drunk
and have my way with her.
392
00:28:02,434 --> 00:28:05,593
You disgusting creature!
What happened?
393
00:28:05,594 --> 00:28:07,993
She had to carry me home.
394
00:28:07,994 --> 00:28:11,193
Then this morning she went off with
all my clobber.
395
00:28:11,194 --> 00:28:12,933
It's not funny!
396
00:28:12,934 --> 00:28:15,554
It's hilarious, you dozy clown!
33400
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