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1
00:00:13,947 --> 00:00:15,277
TED:
Kids, when you're single
2
00:00:15,349 --> 00:00:18,189
all you're looking for
is happily ever after.
3
00:00:18,252 --> 00:00:20,592
but only one of your stories
can end that way.
4
00:00:20,654 --> 00:00:23,264
The rest end
with someone getting hurt.
5
00:00:23,324 --> 00:00:27,534
This is one of those stories,
and it starts with a shirt.
6
00:00:27,595 --> 00:00:28,555
A shirt?
7
00:00:28,629 --> 00:00:30,159
TED:
Just listen,
8
00:00:30,231 --> 00:00:31,931
because none
of this would have happened
9
00:00:31,999 --> 00:00:33,669
if it hadn't been
for that shirt.
10
00:00:33,734 --> 00:00:36,044
Whoa.
11
00:00:37,905 --> 00:00:39,065
Nice shirt.
12
00:00:39,140 --> 00:00:40,710
Right? Right?
13
00:00:40,774 --> 00:00:41,944
Look at those colors.
14
00:00:42,009 --> 00:00:43,839
Green and brown,
together at last.
15
00:00:43,911 --> 00:00:45,881
Hot top, bro!
Is it new?
16
00:00:45,946 --> 00:00:47,146
That's the crazy part.
17
00:00:47,215 --> 00:00:48,715
I've had this shirt
for, like, six years.
18
00:00:48,782 --> 00:00:50,582
Until this morning,
I wasn't into it at all,
19
00:00:50,651 --> 00:00:53,051
but now, it's like
my tastes have changed.
20
00:00:53,121 --> 00:00:53,721
Booger.
21
00:00:53,787 --> 00:00:55,157
Yes, hello, Barney.
22
00:00:55,223 --> 00:00:56,463
ROBIN:
Barney's offered me
23
00:00:56,524 --> 00:00:59,434
50 bucks to say some stupid word
on a live news report.
24
00:00:59,493 --> 00:01:01,833
Not some stupid word. "Booger."
25
00:01:02,663 --> 00:01:04,003
But I'm not doing it.
26
00:01:04,064 --> 00:01:04,874
I am a journalist.
27
00:01:04,932 --> 00:01:06,502
What?! Journalist?!
28
00:01:06,567 --> 00:01:09,137
You do the little fluff pieces
at the end of the news.
29
00:01:09,203 --> 00:01:11,743
Old people. Babies. Monkeys.
30
00:01:11,805 --> 00:01:12,935
That's not journalism.
31
00:01:13,006 --> 00:01:14,606
That's just...
things in a diaper.
32
00:01:15,909 --> 00:01:19,279
For your information, my boss
is about to bump me up to...
33
00:01:19,347 --> 00:01:21,007
the city hall beat.
34
00:01:21,081 --> 00:01:22,981
City hall? Miss Thing.
35
00:01:23,050 --> 00:01:25,520
So I'm not going
to jeopardize my promotion
36
00:01:25,586 --> 00:01:27,586
by saying "booger"
for 50 bucks.
37
00:01:27,655 --> 00:01:28,585
Of course not.
38
00:01:28,656 --> 00:01:30,916
'cause now
you're saying "nipple,"
39
00:01:30,991 --> 00:01:32,331
and it's a hundred.
40
00:01:33,327 --> 00:01:35,697
Step into my web.
41
00:01:36,897 --> 00:01:38,067
Mmm!
42
00:01:38,132 --> 00:01:39,302
Whose bourbon is this?
43
00:01:39,367 --> 00:01:41,567
Ooh, I don't know.
It was here when we sat down.
44
00:01:41,635 --> 00:01:42,635
Gahhh...
45
00:01:42,703 --> 00:01:43,803
The point is...
46
00:01:43,871 --> 00:01:45,441
I seem to like bourbon now.
47
00:01:45,506 --> 00:01:47,206
I could've sworn
I hated bourbon.
48
00:01:47,275 --> 00:01:49,305
First the shirt, now bourbon.
49
00:01:49,377 --> 00:01:52,247
I spent 27 years making up
my mind about things, right?
50
00:01:52,313 --> 00:01:53,813
The movie I saw once and hated;
51
00:01:53,881 --> 00:01:55,281
the city I'll never go back to
52
00:01:55,349 --> 00:01:56,849
'cause it was raining
the day I visited.
53
00:01:56,917 --> 00:02:00,147
Maybe it's time to start
forming some second impressions.
54
00:02:00,221 --> 00:02:02,161
You're finally gonna
watch Goonies again?
55
00:02:02,223 --> 00:02:04,963
"Sloth love Chunk."
56
00:02:05,025 --> 00:02:07,625
Not Goonies. Girls.
57
00:02:07,695 --> 00:02:09,155
What if there's
someone from my past
58
00:02:09,230 --> 00:02:11,400
who I thought was wrong
for me at the time,
59
00:02:11,465 --> 00:02:14,065
when in fact she,
like this shirt,
60
00:02:14,134 --> 00:02:16,144
is actually a perfect fit?
61
00:02:16,204 --> 00:02:17,574
Hold up.
There are only two reasons
62
00:02:17,638 --> 00:02:19,808
to ever date a girl
you've already dated:
63
00:02:19,873 --> 00:02:22,013
Breast... implants.
64
00:02:22,075 --> 00:02:23,905
You know, this
isn't a bad idea.
65
00:02:23,977 --> 00:02:25,177
Let's think...
66
00:02:25,246 --> 00:02:27,376
Ted's greatest hits.
67
00:02:27,448 --> 00:02:29,178
What about that girl Steph?
68
00:02:29,250 --> 00:02:31,350
Steph...
69
00:02:31,419 --> 00:02:32,919
Okay, this is difficult to say:
70
00:02:32,986 --> 00:02:34,356
Back when I lived
71
00:02:34,422 --> 00:02:36,322
in L.A., I was pretty broke,
72
00:02:36,390 --> 00:02:40,030
so I spent a month
making adult films.
73
00:02:40,093 --> 00:02:43,503
Wow. Okay...
74
00:02:43,564 --> 00:02:44,734
How... how many did you make?
75
00:02:44,798 --> 00:02:45,928
175.
76
00:02:48,669 --> 00:02:50,899
Say what you will
about the porn industry,
77
00:02:50,971 --> 00:02:53,041
they're hard workers.
78
00:02:53,106 --> 00:02:55,506
What about that
chick, um... Jackie?
79
00:02:56,344 --> 00:02:57,284
...and my bathing suit
80
00:02:57,345 --> 00:02:58,805
had fallen completely off.
81
00:02:58,879 --> 00:03:00,009
( both laughing )
82
00:03:00,080 --> 00:03:01,550
I know the feeling.
Once,
83
00:03:01,615 --> 00:03:03,815
when I was 16, I was driving,
84
00:03:03,884 --> 00:03:05,654
and I hit this hitchhiker.
85
00:03:05,719 --> 00:03:06,589
Don't know what
86
00:03:06,654 --> 00:03:08,394
happened to him--
just kept driving.
87
00:03:08,456 --> 00:03:09,816
( laughing )
88
00:03:11,158 --> 00:03:12,688
Uh... no.
89
00:03:13,894 --> 00:03:15,864
What about Natalie?
90
00:03:15,929 --> 00:03:18,769
ALL:
Natalie...
91
00:03:18,832 --> 00:03:19,832
Who's Natalie?
92
00:03:19,900 --> 00:03:21,370
Natalie.
93
00:03:21,435 --> 00:03:23,695
I had so many
fond memories of her:
94
00:03:23,771 --> 00:03:26,071
The tea candles
on her dresser,
95
00:03:26,139 --> 00:03:28,879
the sock monkey collection
on her bed,
96
00:03:28,942 --> 00:03:31,812
that one Belle & Sebastian
song she always listened to,
97
00:03:31,879 --> 00:03:35,219
her smile...
98
00:03:35,283 --> 00:03:37,923
Man, I haven't seen her
in, like, three years.
99
00:03:37,985 --> 00:03:38,945
Well, why'd you guys break up?
100
00:03:39,019 --> 00:03:41,389
I just wasn't looking for
a big commitment at the time.
101
00:03:41,455 --> 00:03:43,255
Of course, now a big commitment
doesn't seem so bad.
102
00:03:43,324 --> 00:03:44,264
Maybe I should call her.
103
00:03:44,325 --> 00:03:45,325
What do you guys think?
104
00:03:45,393 --> 00:03:48,703
You dumped a porn star?
105
00:03:49,297 --> 00:03:50,357
Friendship over.
106
00:03:50,431 --> 00:03:52,871
Friendship over!
107
00:03:55,235 --> 00:03:56,295
( knocking at door )
108
00:03:56,370 --> 00:03:57,940
Come in!
All right,
109
00:03:58,005 --> 00:03:59,235
get back to me, then.
110
00:03:59,307 --> 00:04:00,837
You wanted to see me, Mr. Adams.
111
00:04:00,908 --> 00:04:01,578
Yes, I did.
112
00:04:01,642 --> 00:04:04,352
I need you to cover a story.
113
00:04:04,412 --> 00:04:05,982
It's down at city hall.
114
00:04:06,046 --> 00:04:07,776
City hall?
115
00:04:07,848 --> 00:04:09,318
Oh, my God.
116
00:04:09,383 --> 00:04:10,623
( exhilarated sigh )
117
00:04:10,684 --> 00:04:13,454
So, next time you're
passing city hall,
118
00:04:13,521 --> 00:04:16,721
make sure and stop by New
York's oldest hot dog cart.
119
00:04:16,790 --> 00:04:19,790
Today, a delicious hot
dog will cost you $2.50.
120
00:04:19,860 --> 00:04:23,400
But, back when the stand
first opened, in 1955,
121
00:04:23,464 --> 00:04:25,734
you could get one
for only a nipple.
122
00:04:25,799 --> 00:04:28,169
Reporting live,
Robin Trubotsky,
123
00:04:28,235 --> 00:04:30,065
Metro News 1.
124
00:04:30,137 --> 00:04:32,137
I said "nipple" on the news.
125
00:04:32,205 --> 00:04:33,205
That was so
unprofessional!
126
00:04:33,273 --> 00:04:35,243
I said "nipple" on the news!
127
00:04:35,309 --> 00:04:37,009
At least it's
better than "booger."
128
00:04:37,077 --> 00:04:38,077
( laughs )
129
00:04:38,145 --> 00:04:39,505
Booger.
130
00:04:40,714 --> 00:04:43,054
( knocking )
There she is.
131
00:04:43,116 --> 00:04:44,646
Hey, is it cold in here?
132
00:04:44,718 --> 00:04:46,518
'Cause I can kinda see
Robin's nickels.
133
00:04:46,587 --> 00:04:47,757
( chuckling )
134
00:04:48,756 --> 00:04:51,326
Now, for your next challenge...
135
00:04:51,392 --> 00:04:52,632
There is not going
to be another challenge.
136
00:04:52,693 --> 00:04:54,093
I don't care how much
you offer me.
137
00:04:54,161 --> 00:04:56,701
Oh, search your soul, Robin.
138
00:04:56,764 --> 00:04:59,174
You and I both know
this wasn't about the money.
139
00:04:59,232 --> 00:05:01,542
Sure, Metro News 1
pays you jack,
140
00:05:01,602 --> 00:05:04,172
and, hey, a little
green salad on the side
141
00:05:04,237 --> 00:05:06,507
is good for you, me,
and Mr. McGee.
142
00:05:06,574 --> 00:05:08,084
Seriously, who talks like that?
143
00:05:09,209 --> 00:05:10,579
What baby really likes
144
00:05:10,644 --> 00:05:12,354
is the thrill
of pulling one over
145
00:05:12,413 --> 00:05:15,423
on those bean counters
who underappreciate you,
146
00:05:15,483 --> 00:05:17,453
and still haven't
promoted you,
147
00:05:17,518 --> 00:05:19,988
and so, for two
more hundie sticks,
148
00:05:20,053 --> 00:05:22,793
baby's going to look in
the camera and say this.
149
00:05:24,091 --> 00:05:25,091
Eww!
150
00:05:26,293 --> 00:05:28,103
I'm just assuming.
151
00:05:28,161 --> 00:05:30,061
I gotta go back to work.
152
00:05:30,130 --> 00:05:32,530
See ya.
Bye.
153
00:05:32,600 --> 00:05:34,440
Baby's gonna
think about it.
154
00:05:34,502 --> 00:05:35,402
( clicks tongue )
155
00:05:37,771 --> 00:05:38,571
Found it!
156
00:05:38,639 --> 00:05:40,509
I found Natalie's number.
157
00:05:40,574 --> 00:05:41,614
Hey, Ted! Nice shirt!
158
00:05:41,675 --> 00:05:43,935
Is it yesterday already?
159
00:05:45,446 --> 00:05:47,106
I am calling her.
160
00:05:47,180 --> 00:05:48,050
This is crazy.
161
00:05:48,115 --> 00:05:50,615
I haven't talked to her
in, like, three years.
162
00:05:50,684 --> 00:05:52,454
Wonder if she even
remembers me.
163
00:05:52,520 --> 00:05:54,820
( phone ringing )
164
00:05:54,888 --> 00:05:55,818
Hello.
165
00:05:55,889 --> 00:05:56,859
Natalie.
166
00:05:56,924 --> 00:05:58,764
It's Ted Mosby.
167
00:05:58,826 --> 00:06:00,586
Go to hell.
168
00:06:03,363 --> 00:06:05,473
She remembers me.
169
00:06:10,971 --> 00:06:11,771
Why would Natalie
170
00:06:11,839 --> 00:06:13,209
hang up on you?
I don't know.
171
00:06:13,273 --> 00:06:14,613
Did you sleep with her sister?
172
00:06:14,675 --> 00:06:15,605
No.
173
00:06:15,676 --> 00:06:16,876
Did you sleep with her mom?
174
00:06:16,944 --> 00:06:17,784
No.
175
00:06:17,845 --> 00:06:19,805
I'm losing interest
in your story.
176
00:06:20,848 --> 00:06:22,678
Well, you must
have done something.
177
00:06:22,750 --> 00:06:24,220
Why did you guys
break up?
178
00:06:24,284 --> 00:06:26,194
He wasn't ready
for a commitment.
179
00:06:26,253 --> 00:06:27,393
Uh-huh.
180
00:06:28,889 --> 00:06:30,889
And her birthday
might've been coming up.
181
00:06:30,958 --> 00:06:32,628
( suspiciously ):
Uh-huh...
182
00:06:32,693 --> 00:06:34,433
Okay, so I didn't want to get
a boyfriend-level gift
183
00:06:34,495 --> 00:06:35,795
for a girl I was just about
to break up with.
184
00:06:35,863 --> 00:06:39,103
So you dumped her
right before her birthday?
185
00:06:39,166 --> 00:06:42,896
No, I didn't dump her
right before her birthday.
186
00:06:43,971 --> 00:06:45,541
Uh-oh.
187
00:06:45,606 --> 00:06:46,806
Natalie! Hey.
188
00:06:46,874 --> 00:06:49,914
Happy birthday.
189
00:06:49,977 --> 00:06:51,077
Listen...
190
00:06:51,144 --> 00:06:52,884
( in rhythm ):
Never break up with a girl
191
00:06:52,946 --> 00:06:54,406
on her birthday!
192
00:06:54,482 --> 00:06:55,752
Lily, please! The shirt!
193
00:06:55,816 --> 00:06:56,476
I know!
194
00:06:56,550 --> 00:06:58,090
It was a mistake!
195
00:06:58,151 --> 00:07:00,451
Well, did she cry her eyes out?
196
00:07:00,521 --> 00:07:01,421
I don't know.
197
00:07:01,489 --> 00:07:04,159
How do you not...?!
198
00:07:04,224 --> 00:07:06,364
Oh, you didn't.
199
00:07:06,426 --> 00:07:10,326
Natalie! Hey, happy birthday.
200
00:07:10,397 --> 00:07:12,167
Listen...
201
00:07:13,967 --> 00:07:15,437
You're awesome.
202
00:07:15,503 --> 00:07:17,173
You really are.
203
00:07:17,237 --> 00:07:18,737
Awesome.
204
00:07:18,806 --> 00:07:21,606
I'm just like super-busy
right now, so...
205
00:07:21,675 --> 00:07:26,205
maybe we should just...
call it a day.
206
00:07:26,279 --> 00:07:28,219
But you're awesome.
207
00:07:28,281 --> 00:07:30,781
On her answering machine!?
208
00:07:30,851 --> 00:07:32,551
Lily, come on.
And on her birthday?!
209
00:07:32,620 --> 00:07:35,020
Oh, who breaks up
with somebody
210
00:07:35,088 --> 00:07:37,628
on their answering machine
on their birthday?!
211
00:07:37,691 --> 00:07:39,191
Yeah, dude. E-mail.
212
00:07:39,259 --> 00:07:42,759
Not exactly the point
I was trying to make, Marshall.
213
00:07:42,830 --> 00:07:45,770
That is a terrible way
to break up with someone.
214
00:07:45,833 --> 00:07:47,603
Okay, in my client's defense,
215
00:07:47,668 --> 00:07:48,698
is there
an unterrible
216
00:07:48,769 --> 00:07:50,239
way to break up
with somebody? No.
217
00:07:50,303 --> 00:07:53,473
Personally, I'd rather hear the
bad news on an answering machine
218
00:07:53,541 --> 00:07:54,911
than face
the humiliation in person.
219
00:07:54,975 --> 00:07:57,005
It's the least painful
way you can do it.
220
00:07:57,077 --> 00:07:58,047
Who are you calling?
221
00:07:58,111 --> 00:07:59,481
Hi, Marshall. It's Lily.
222
00:07:59,547 --> 00:08:01,547
We're not gonna have sex
for at least a month,
223
00:08:01,615 --> 00:08:02,545
but you're awesome.
224
00:08:02,616 --> 00:08:03,876
Okay, bye-bye.
225
00:08:03,951 --> 00:08:05,421
No, that was
226
00:08:05,485 --> 00:08:06,545
a big mistake, Ted.
227
00:08:06,620 --> 00:08:07,920
You should've done it
in person.
228
00:08:07,988 --> 00:08:09,158
Thank you.
229
00:08:09,222 --> 00:08:12,232
Desperate, please-don't-leave-me
sex is amazing.
230
00:08:13,827 --> 00:08:15,057
Okay, it was childish
and stupid.
231
00:08:15,128 --> 00:08:17,328
I just... I didn't want
to see her cry.
232
00:08:17,397 --> 00:08:19,627
Well, guess what? She cried.
233
00:08:19,700 --> 00:08:22,600
You just didn't have the sack
to face those tears.
234
00:08:22,670 --> 00:08:24,270
That was me then, okay?
235
00:08:24,337 --> 00:08:27,467
This is the new, old-shirt-
wearing, sack-having Ted.
236
00:08:27,541 --> 00:08:28,881
I'm gonna make this right.
237
00:08:28,942 --> 00:08:30,512
You know what else?
"My younger sister
238
00:08:30,578 --> 00:08:32,408
just got married,
and I'm about to turn 30" sex.
239
00:08:32,479 --> 00:08:34,849
Fantastic.
240
00:08:36,149 --> 00:08:38,349
An occasion that
was supposed to be joyous
241
00:08:38,418 --> 00:08:41,558
suddenly turned tragic
when Ethel and Sadie Margolis,
242
00:08:41,622 --> 00:08:43,222
New York's oldest twins,
243
00:08:43,290 --> 00:08:45,460
suddenly passed away on this,
244
00:08:45,525 --> 00:08:48,455
the eve of their 100th birthday.
245
00:08:48,528 --> 00:08:51,358
I'm a dirty, dirty girl.
246
00:08:51,431 --> 00:08:52,931
( flatly ):
Ow.
247
00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:56,840
Reporting live,
Robin Trubotsky, Metro News 1.
248
00:08:56,904 --> 00:08:59,544
Clear.
249
00:08:59,607 --> 00:09:02,037
Joel Adams wants
to see you in his office.
250
00:09:03,944 --> 00:09:05,314
Before you
say anything,
251
00:09:05,378 --> 00:09:09,078
I just want to say I really like
working here at Metro News 1.
252
00:09:09,149 --> 00:09:11,719
That's great.
So, my dog keeps going
253
00:09:11,785 --> 00:09:15,385
( throaty, high-pitched
growling )
254
00:09:15,455 --> 00:09:17,115
What's...?
What?
255
00:09:17,190 --> 00:09:17,930
You have dogs, right?
256
00:09:17,991 --> 00:09:19,591
What do you think that means?
257
00:09:19,660 --> 00:09:20,760
Take him to the vet?
258
00:09:20,828 --> 00:09:21,898
( sputters )
259
00:09:21,962 --> 00:09:23,662
Genius.
260
00:09:23,731 --> 00:09:25,671
That's one I owe you.
261
00:09:25,733 --> 00:09:27,273
Was that all?
262
00:09:27,334 --> 00:09:28,204
Yeah.
263
00:09:31,504 --> 00:09:32,974
And nothing
about the twins story?
264
00:09:33,040 --> 00:09:35,280
Oh, yeah, great job on that one.
New York loves you.
265
00:09:35,342 --> 00:09:36,482
You're a superstar. Bye-bye.
266
00:09:36,543 --> 00:09:39,613
That's when Robin realized
267
00:09:39,680 --> 00:09:44,180
no one, not even her boss,
watched Metro News 1.
268
00:09:44,251 --> 00:09:46,321
( doorbell ringing )
269
00:09:54,161 --> 00:09:55,101
Hi.
270
00:09:56,764 --> 00:09:58,374
( knocking )
271
00:09:58,431 --> 00:09:59,471
Natalie! Come on!
272
00:09:59,532 --> 00:10:01,032
I just want to say I'm sorry.
273
00:10:01,101 --> 00:10:03,541
I only came down here 'cause
you wouldn't take my call.
274
00:10:03,603 --> 00:10:04,973
Hey, here's
an idea--
275
00:10:05,038 --> 00:10:06,968
why don't you leave a message?
276
00:10:07,908 --> 00:10:09,108
( forced laugh )
277
00:10:09,176 --> 00:10:10,376
Good one.
278
00:10:10,443 --> 00:10:13,983
Okay, fine, I'm just going
to leave this sock monkey here.
279
00:10:14,047 --> 00:10:15,347
Good-bye.
280
00:10:20,353 --> 00:10:22,063
( shrieks )
Natalie... Okay! Okay!
281
00:10:22,122 --> 00:10:24,692
Look, look, look.
I know you're mad, but...
282
00:10:24,758 --> 00:10:26,088
happy birthday.
283
00:10:26,159 --> 00:10:27,129
Three years ago.
284
00:10:27,194 --> 00:10:30,104
Oh, yeah?
Up yours three years ago.
285
00:10:30,163 --> 00:10:32,773
Look, look, I was an idiot
leaving that message.
286
00:10:32,833 --> 00:10:34,773
I realize how much that sucked.
287
00:10:34,835 --> 00:10:36,865
No, you don't.
288
00:10:36,937 --> 00:10:39,837
Maybe we should
just call it a day.
289
00:10:39,907 --> 00:10:43,237
But you're awesome.
290
00:10:43,310 --> 00:10:46,010
Okay, bye.
291
00:10:48,716 --> 00:10:50,146
( weakly ):
Surprise.
292
00:10:52,019 --> 00:10:53,749
There was a surprise party
that night?
293
00:10:53,821 --> 00:10:56,061
How come nobody told me?
294
00:10:56,123 --> 00:10:58,763
People think I can't keep
a secret, but I totally can.
295
00:10:59,827 --> 00:11:01,127
Sorry, not the issue.
296
00:11:01,194 --> 00:11:04,304
Look, Natalie, I was just
a stupid kid back then,
297
00:11:04,364 --> 00:11:05,574
terrified of commitment.
298
00:11:05,632 --> 00:11:07,002
And I suppose
you're suddenly ready
299
00:11:07,067 --> 00:11:08,637
to get married
and settle down.
300
00:11:08,702 --> 00:11:11,202
Well, yeah, actually.
301
00:11:11,271 --> 00:11:13,011
I'm a different guy now.
302
00:11:13,073 --> 00:11:15,813
Give me another chance, huh?
303
00:11:15,876 --> 00:11:19,006
You must think I have
absolutely no self-respect.
304
00:11:19,079 --> 00:11:21,179
Come on, just a cup of coffee.
305
00:11:22,315 --> 00:11:24,885
( high-pitched voice ):
Please, Natalie.
306
00:11:24,952 --> 00:11:26,422
Give the guy a chance.
307
00:11:27,788 --> 00:11:29,918
Self-respect is overrated.
308
00:11:31,759 --> 00:11:33,589
( acoustic pop song plays )
309
00:11:33,660 --> 00:11:35,300
( sighs )
310
00:11:35,362 --> 00:11:37,932
Wow.
311
00:11:37,998 --> 00:11:40,068
Maybe it was the caffeine,
but you really
312
00:11:40,133 --> 00:11:42,203
brought your game up
to a whole new level.
313
00:11:42,269 --> 00:11:43,269
Thanks.
314
00:11:43,336 --> 00:11:45,136
I did just start
subscribing to Esquire.
315
00:11:45,205 --> 00:11:47,735
They have some
helpful columns.
316
00:11:47,808 --> 00:11:51,908
The following is from
the October issue.
317
00:11:51,979 --> 00:11:55,019
So Natalie and I
started dating again.
318
00:11:55,082 --> 00:11:57,422
And just like that,
it all came back.
319
00:11:57,484 --> 00:11:58,824
The tea candles...
320
00:11:58,886 --> 00:12:00,746
the sock monkeys...
321
00:12:00,821 --> 00:12:03,191
Belle and Sebastian,
all of it.
322
00:12:03,256 --> 00:12:06,786
It seemed like happily ever
after wasn't far off.
323
00:12:06,860 --> 00:12:08,000
Well, I better run.
324
00:12:08,061 --> 00:12:10,231
I have my Krav Maga class
in half an hour.
325
00:12:10,297 --> 00:12:12,667
Krav Maga. How cool is it
that she does Krav Maga?
326
00:12:12,732 --> 00:12:13,602
Thanks, honey.
327
00:12:13,666 --> 00:12:15,336
Mmm!
328
00:12:15,402 --> 00:12:16,572
Bye, guys.
329
00:12:16,636 --> 00:12:18,766
Bye.
Bye.
Take it easy.
330
00:12:18,839 --> 00:12:21,009
Dude, what's
Krav Maga?
331
00:12:21,074 --> 00:12:23,914
I have no idea.
Some kind of yoga?
332
00:12:23,977 --> 00:12:26,307
You know, that Natalie,
she's good times.
333
00:12:26,379 --> 00:12:28,679
Yeah, she's, like, the best
girl you've dated in years.
334
00:12:28,748 --> 00:12:30,018
Yeah, Ted, hold on to that one.
335
00:12:30,083 --> 00:12:34,523
Yeah.
I have to break up with her.
336
00:12:37,257 --> 00:12:40,087
I don't get it, man.
Natalie's awesome.
337
00:12:40,160 --> 00:12:43,760
I know, she's terrific,
but I have to break up with her.
338
00:12:43,831 --> 00:12:47,501
( in rhythm ):
Why couldn't you leave
that poor girl alone?
339
00:12:47,567 --> 00:12:49,367
I know. I hate this.
340
00:12:49,436 --> 00:12:51,196
These past three weeks
have been great.
341
00:12:51,271 --> 00:12:54,671
I should be in love with her,
but I'm not feeling that thing.
342
00:12:54,741 --> 00:12:56,481
It's ineffable.
343
00:12:56,543 --> 00:12:57,743
Ineffable.
344
00:12:57,811 --> 00:12:59,111
Good word.
345
00:12:59,179 --> 00:13:01,109
So when are you
going to do it?
346
00:13:01,181 --> 00:13:02,751
She's probably on
the subway by now.
347
00:13:02,816 --> 00:13:04,146
You could call her
voice mail:
348
00:13:04,217 --> 00:13:07,187
Beep! "Dumped."
Click. Done.
349
00:13:07,254 --> 00:13:08,994
No, I have to do this
face-to-face.
350
00:13:09,056 --> 00:13:10,886
I just, I don't know
what I'm going to say.
351
00:13:10,958 --> 00:13:12,628
"I'm not ready
for a commitment."
352
00:13:12,692 --> 00:13:14,662
Oh, that's such a cliché.
353
00:13:14,727 --> 00:13:16,227
It's not a cliché,
it's a classic.
354
00:13:16,296 --> 00:13:18,926
It's the "Stairway to Heaven"
of breakup lines.
355
00:13:18,999 --> 00:13:21,799
Well, I think Natalie
deserves better.
356
00:13:21,869 --> 00:13:24,499
Better. There's no "better"
in breaking up.
357
00:13:24,571 --> 00:13:26,141
There's only "less awful."
358
00:13:26,206 --> 00:13:28,206
A cliché is a cliché
for a reason.
359
00:13:28,275 --> 00:13:29,735
It's comforting.
360
00:13:29,809 --> 00:13:31,009
It doesn't matter.
361
00:13:31,078 --> 00:13:33,148
I already told her I am ready
for a commitment, so...
362
00:13:33,213 --> 00:13:34,783
Oh, my God.
There's no way out.
363
00:13:34,848 --> 00:13:36,118
I'm gonna have to marry her.
364
00:13:36,183 --> 00:13:38,353
No, no, we're gonna
get you out of this.
365
00:13:38,418 --> 00:13:42,018
Okay, how about...
"It's not you, it's me"?
366
00:13:42,089 --> 00:13:43,859
Mm, mm, six words--
367
00:13:43,924 --> 00:13:46,394
"You look fat
in those jeans."
368
00:13:46,459 --> 00:13:47,389
You're free to go.
369
00:13:47,460 --> 00:13:51,260
Ted, have you considered
telling her the truth?
370
00:13:51,965 --> 00:13:53,925
( laughing )
371
00:13:54,001 --> 00:13:55,771
Seriously, honey,
men are working here.
372
00:13:55,835 --> 00:13:57,265
Ted, what is the truth?
373
00:13:57,337 --> 00:13:59,707
Why do you want
to break up with her?
374
00:13:59,772 --> 00:14:02,342
The truth?
She's not the one.
375
00:14:02,409 --> 00:14:03,779
So tell her that.
376
00:14:03,843 --> 00:14:06,113
Oh, you can't tell her that.
That's horrible.
377
00:14:06,179 --> 00:14:08,719
Why? What is so
horrible about that?
378
00:14:08,781 --> 00:14:10,951
Yeah, what is so
horrible about that?
379
00:14:11,018 --> 00:14:12,288
She's not the one.
380
00:14:12,352 --> 00:14:14,592
Why is that such
a heartbreaking thing to hear?
381
00:14:14,654 --> 00:14:17,164
The chances of one person being
another person's "the one"
382
00:14:17,224 --> 00:14:19,264
are like
six billion to one.
383
00:14:19,326 --> 00:14:21,856
Yeah, you have better chances
of winning the lottery.
384
00:14:21,929 --> 00:14:23,559
Exactly!
You wouldn't take it personally
385
00:14:23,630 --> 00:14:24,860
if you lost the lottery.
386
00:14:24,932 --> 00:14:26,472
All right, man,
tell her the truth.
387
00:14:26,533 --> 00:14:28,573
She's gonna cry.
388
00:14:28,635 --> 00:14:29,935
Yeah, and he's gonna sit there
389
00:14:30,003 --> 00:14:31,843
and he's gonna
take it like a man.
390
00:14:31,905 --> 00:14:33,535
I have to do the mature thing.
391
00:14:33,606 --> 00:14:35,006
Want to talk mature?
392
00:14:35,075 --> 00:14:36,975
I just wrapped up
a live newscast
393
00:14:37,044 --> 00:14:39,584
by honking my own boobs.
394
00:14:39,646 --> 00:14:41,946
And great TV
was had by all.
395
00:14:44,217 --> 00:14:45,617
All right, Trubotsky,
new challenge,
396
00:14:45,685 --> 00:14:46,845
and this one's big.
397
00:14:46,920 --> 00:14:48,690
But so is the cash reward.
398
00:14:48,755 --> 00:14:50,985
For $1,000--
399
00:14:51,058 --> 00:14:52,658
you heard me--
all you have to do
400
00:14:52,725 --> 00:14:53,885
is get up there on the news
401
00:14:53,961 --> 00:14:55,401
and do one of these.
402
00:15:03,236 --> 00:15:04,496
What the hell is that?
403
00:15:04,571 --> 00:15:06,341
TED, LILY, MARSHALL:
The Ickey Shuffle.
404
00:15:06,406 --> 00:15:08,636
And as you do it,
you say this:
405
00:15:08,708 --> 00:15:10,008
"Elbert Ickey Woods,
406
00:15:10,077 --> 00:15:12,707
"the Bengals were fools
to cut you in '91.
407
00:15:12,779 --> 00:15:15,219
"Your 1,525 rushing yards
408
00:15:15,282 --> 00:15:17,552
"and your 27 touchdowns
will not be forgotten.
409
00:15:17,617 --> 00:15:21,687
So Coach Dave Shula, screw you
and your crappy steakhouse."
410
00:15:23,023 --> 00:15:25,293
Just write it down for me.
411
00:15:25,358 --> 00:15:26,988
What do I care?
It's not like
412
00:15:27,060 --> 00:15:28,700
anyone's watching,
anyway, right?
413
00:15:30,830 --> 00:15:33,900
Man, she's gonna cry.
414
00:15:33,967 --> 00:15:37,897
It's the law
of love, chunk.
415
00:15:37,971 --> 00:15:40,241
Thanks, Lil.
416
00:15:40,307 --> 00:15:43,277
So, the next night, I took
Natalie out to dinner...
417
00:15:43,343 --> 00:15:45,253
to do the mature thing.
418
00:15:45,312 --> 00:15:48,582
Look, uh, Natalie, there's
something I have to say.
419
00:15:48,648 --> 00:15:49,818
Oh, wait, wait.
420
00:15:49,882 --> 00:15:51,322
There's something
I have to say first.
421
00:15:51,384 --> 00:15:53,524
Today, at work,
I had not one, not two,
422
00:15:53,586 --> 00:15:55,386
but three birthday cakes.
423
00:15:55,455 --> 00:15:57,615
So tonight, can we
just skip the cake?
424
00:15:57,690 --> 00:16:00,090
Today's your birthday?
425
00:16:00,160 --> 00:16:02,530
Yeah. No, it's okay, I wasn't
telling anyone about it.
426
00:16:02,595 --> 00:16:04,225
Today's your birthday!
427
00:16:04,297 --> 00:16:06,097
I...
428
00:16:06,166 --> 00:16:09,536
I didn't get you anything.
429
00:16:09,602 --> 00:16:11,202
Oh, it's okay.
430
00:16:11,271 --> 00:16:14,241
You know, you've already given
me the best present of all.
431
00:16:15,508 --> 00:16:18,448
I can trust again.
432
00:16:20,613 --> 00:16:22,183
You're welcome.
433
00:16:27,087 --> 00:16:29,317
Oh, sir, much more wine.
434
00:16:37,464 --> 00:16:39,874
Henry, as New York's
oldest hansom cab driver,
435
00:16:39,932 --> 00:16:41,132
you've seen quite a lot.
436
00:16:41,201 --> 00:16:43,371
In your past
60 years on the job,
437
00:16:43,436 --> 00:16:45,806
what is your most
exciting memory?
438
00:16:45,872 --> 00:16:47,572
Well...
439
00:16:47,640 --> 00:16:48,640
Ah, this is it.
440
00:16:48,708 --> 00:16:49,908
Oh, boy, here we go.
441
00:16:49,976 --> 00:16:51,206
Everyone, everyone,
442
00:16:51,278 --> 00:16:53,078
if I may direct your attention
to the television.
443
00:16:53,146 --> 00:16:56,516
You are about to see
something amazing.
444
00:16:56,583 --> 00:16:57,853
And then, in '72,
445
00:16:57,917 --> 00:17:01,017
Mickey Mantle rode my cab
446
00:17:01,088 --> 00:17:03,788
for the fourth time.
447
00:17:03,856 --> 00:17:06,056
Come on, baby.
Bring it home.
448
00:17:06,126 --> 00:17:09,056
But the most
exciting moment--
449
00:17:09,129 --> 00:17:12,799
that would have to be
this one, right now.
450
00:17:12,865 --> 00:17:14,365
What?
451
00:17:14,434 --> 00:17:17,404
Look at me.
I'm on TV.
452
00:17:17,470 --> 00:17:20,910
I never thought I'd
have my story told.
453
00:17:20,973 --> 00:17:24,843
Thank you, Miss
Robin Trubotsky.
454
00:17:24,911 --> 00:17:26,481
Thank you.
455
00:17:26,546 --> 00:17:28,476
And right then,
Aunt Robin realized
456
00:17:28,548 --> 00:17:30,718
how important
her job truly was.
457
00:17:30,783 --> 00:17:33,393
It's an honor
to tell your
story, Henry.
458
00:17:33,453 --> 00:17:35,293
You know,
Metro News One
459
00:17:35,355 --> 00:17:38,125
may not be number
one in viewership,
460
00:17:38,191 --> 00:17:40,761
but this reporter
takes pride in...
461
00:17:40,827 --> 00:17:42,127
Whoa! Oh...!
462
00:17:42,195 --> 00:17:45,125
Oh, my God, I'm covered
in horse crap!
463
00:17:45,198 --> 00:17:47,598
Oh, my... it's in my hair.
464
00:17:47,667 --> 00:17:49,397
You planned that?
465
00:17:49,469 --> 00:17:51,339
Ow, my knee! Ow!
No, Marshall.
466
00:17:51,404 --> 00:17:54,514
That was beyond
my wildest dreams.
467
00:17:56,008 --> 00:17:58,308
So, if you ever
come to Alabama,
468
00:17:58,378 --> 00:18:01,178
my mom throws
these huge crawfish boils,
469
00:18:01,248 --> 00:18:03,718
and she's just dying
to meet you, by the way.
470
00:18:03,783 --> 00:18:05,253
Look, Natalie, there's
something I have to say,
471
00:18:05,318 --> 00:18:06,818
and, uh, there's
no good way to say it.
472
00:18:08,221 --> 00:18:09,621
I want to break up.
473
00:18:11,224 --> 00:18:12,734
I don't think
you're the one for me.
474
00:18:14,093 --> 00:18:15,403
I don't want
to waste your time,
475
00:18:15,462 --> 00:18:16,802
because I really like you.
476
00:18:16,863 --> 00:18:18,373
I want to do
right by you,
477
00:18:18,431 --> 00:18:21,901
and I think the best way for me
to do that is just to be honest.
478
00:18:21,968 --> 00:18:24,198
I'm sorry.
479
00:18:27,039 --> 00:18:28,639
Oh, God, just let it out.
480
00:18:28,708 --> 00:18:31,538
They're only tears.
481
00:18:34,514 --> 00:18:36,254
Aah!
482
00:18:36,316 --> 00:18:38,216
I'm not the one for you?!
483
00:18:38,285 --> 00:18:39,685
I'm sorry, I just...
484
00:18:39,752 --> 00:18:41,592
I-I-I thought the mature
thing to do...
485
00:18:41,654 --> 00:18:42,564
It's my birthday!
486
00:18:42,622 --> 00:18:43,862
Yes, I know.
I didn't realize...
487
00:18:43,923 --> 00:18:45,263
It's my birthday,
488
00:18:45,325 --> 00:18:47,185
and you're telling me
I'm not the one for you?!
489
00:18:47,260 --> 00:18:49,260
It's really not such a big deal.
490
00:18:49,329 --> 00:18:52,499
I mean, the odds--
it's like you lost the lottery.
491
00:18:52,565 --> 00:18:54,565
Oh, so dating you is like
winning the lottery?!
492
00:18:54,634 --> 00:18:56,374
No, no, no, no,
I didn't mean that.
493
00:18:56,436 --> 00:18:57,896
Okay, so what's the problem?!
494
00:18:57,970 --> 00:19:00,540
I... I... I can't explain it.
495
00:19:00,607 --> 00:19:01,167
Try!
496
00:19:01,241 --> 00:19:03,281
It's... ineffable.
497
00:19:03,343 --> 00:19:06,013
I'm not effable?
498
00:19:06,078 --> 00:19:07,748
No, no, no, no. "Ineffable."
499
00:19:07,814 --> 00:19:10,054
"Ineffable" means
it can't be explained.
500
00:19:10,116 --> 00:19:11,176
Oh, so I'm stupid?
501
00:19:11,251 --> 00:19:12,691
Oh, God, what's going on?
502
00:19:12,752 --> 00:19:15,292
Okay, what's going on
is you broke my heart
503
00:19:15,355 --> 00:19:17,255
over my answering
machine
504
00:19:17,324 --> 00:19:18,794
on my birthday,
505
00:19:18,858 --> 00:19:21,658
waited three years
for me to get over you,
506
00:19:21,728 --> 00:19:24,198
tracked me down, begged me
to go out with you again,
507
00:19:24,264 --> 00:19:26,104
only so you could dump me
508
00:19:26,165 --> 00:19:28,965
three weeks later,
again, on my birthday!
509
00:19:29,035 --> 00:19:31,235
No, it's-it's-it's not
like that.
510
00:19:31,304 --> 00:19:33,474
I'm just... it's-it's-it's...
511
00:19:33,540 --> 00:19:34,310
What?!
512
00:19:34,374 --> 00:19:37,414
I'm just, like,
super busy right now.
513
00:19:37,477 --> 00:19:39,807
Remember when Natalie said...
514
00:19:39,879 --> 00:19:42,579
I have my Krav Maga class
in half an hour.
515
00:19:42,649 --> 00:19:45,449
Turns out Krav Maga
is not a kind of yoga.
516
00:19:45,518 --> 00:19:47,248
It's a form
of guerrilla street fighting
517
00:19:47,320 --> 00:19:48,890
developed by the Israeli army.
518
00:19:50,022 --> 00:19:51,422
( grunts )
519
00:19:54,093 --> 00:19:55,363
This is compliments
520
00:19:55,428 --> 00:19:56,898
of those two gentlemen
at the bar.
521
00:19:58,130 --> 00:19:59,200
( mockingly ):
My knee!
522
00:19:59,266 --> 00:20:01,826
It's in my hair!
523
00:20:03,970 --> 00:20:06,670
But isn't it nice to know
people are watching?
524
00:20:09,576 --> 00:20:11,306
MARSHALL:
Oh, my God.
525
00:20:11,378 --> 00:20:12,648
Are you
all right?
526
00:20:12,712 --> 00:20:14,252
LILY:
What happened
to you?
527
00:20:14,314 --> 00:20:15,884
I told the truth.
528
00:20:15,948 --> 00:20:19,918
Turns out the truth has
a mean roundhouse kick.
529
00:20:19,986 --> 00:20:21,186
Oh, man.
530
00:20:21,254 --> 00:20:22,794
Oh, well, you did
the right thing.
531
00:20:22,855 --> 00:20:23,985
I'm proud of you.
532
00:20:24,056 --> 00:20:25,626
I'm bleeding internally.
533
00:20:25,692 --> 00:20:28,432
Hey, Ted, you know what always
picks me up when I'm down?
534
00:20:28,495 --> 00:20:29,455
Other people's
misfortune.
535
00:20:29,529 --> 00:20:30,629
You missed something
so amazing.
536
00:20:30,697 --> 00:20:32,367
Please,
can we just have one person
537
00:20:32,432 --> 00:20:34,102
in this whole bar
who didn't see it?
538
00:20:34,166 --> 00:20:35,196
( sighs ):
Fine.
539
00:20:35,268 --> 00:20:36,998
Are you okay?
540
00:20:37,069 --> 00:20:38,509
I really thought
I was doing it
541
00:20:38,571 --> 00:20:39,941
the good way this time.
542
00:20:40,006 --> 00:20:41,666
I guess there
is no good way.
543
00:20:41,741 --> 00:20:42,911
Sometimes,
544
00:20:42,975 --> 00:20:45,605
no matter how hard you
try to do the right thing,
545
00:20:45,678 --> 00:20:47,608
you just end up
flat on your back,
546
00:20:47,680 --> 00:20:49,780
flailing around in
a big pile of horse crap.
547
00:20:49,849 --> 00:20:50,679
You saw it?
548
00:20:50,750 --> 00:20:52,750
My phone gets
the Internet now.
549
00:20:52,819 --> 00:20:54,749
( chuckling )
550
00:20:54,821 --> 00:20:56,521
It's okay...
551
00:20:56,589 --> 00:20:59,259
And that's how
it ended with Natalie.
552
00:20:59,326 --> 00:21:02,026
No happily ever after,
just a whole lot of hurt.
553
00:21:02,094 --> 00:21:03,664
And just like that,
554
00:21:03,730 --> 00:21:07,570
all those wonderful memories
were replaced... by this one.
555
00:21:07,634 --> 00:21:09,544
But, you know,
bad as that night was,
556
00:21:09,602 --> 00:21:11,372
within a year,
Natalie was married.
557
00:21:11,438 --> 00:21:13,668
And now she has
three beautiful children.
558
00:21:13,740 --> 00:21:15,710
So that's the upside of hurt.
559
00:21:15,775 --> 00:21:18,605
Sometimes it happens
for a reason.
560
00:21:18,678 --> 00:21:20,478
Wow.
561
00:21:20,547 --> 00:21:23,577
So you got beat up
by a girl?
562
00:21:23,650 --> 00:21:26,090
Is that all you're taking away
from this story?
563
00:21:26,152 --> 00:21:28,622
You got beat up
by a girl.
564
00:21:28,688 --> 00:21:31,358
Hey, she knew
Krav Maga.
36653
