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[theme music]
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ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show,"
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starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey
Amsterdam, Larry Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.
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All right, how's this?
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Woof, woof, woof.
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Well, that's better.
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At least you're getting closer.
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Boy, if Alan ever comes up with a dog for
a guest star again, I'm gonna bite him.
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All right, all right, down, boy.
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Good dog. Good dog.
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Good dog.
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Shall I throw you a bone?
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Why, you want to get rid of your head?
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Don't tell me Alan wants the script.
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Of course, and so does Pally's trainer.
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You mean that dog has script approval?
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No, they ran out of newspaper.
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Where's Rob?
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He's outside pacing.
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Outside?
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Mel, he just had to get out.
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It's very tough writing jokes for a dog,
especially one who's a dramatic actor.
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Hey, fellas.
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Oh hi, Rob.
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Did you come up with any ideas? - Yeah.
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Yeah. All right, what, what, what?
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Well, look, Mel, I haven't talked this
over with Buddy and Sally, so it's gonna
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be in a kind of rough form.
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Oh, I'd rather not show anything
to Alan that's unfinished.
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Why, he sees you all the time.
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Oh, come on.
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Rob, what's the idea?
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Well, look, we all know that Pally is one of the
most beautiful and smartest dogs in the whole world.
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Now what if-- and now this has been done before-- but what
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if we go on the premise that we all agree
Pally is smart and beautiful and everything,
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but she wasn't always that smart or that beautiful.
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Well, what is it an idea or an apology?
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No, I say we do our own version of "Pygmalion."
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"Pygmalion?"
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Do you think it'd work with a dog?
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Why not? It was great with pigs.
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Ha ha.
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I think it's a fabulous idea, Rob, really.
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What's so fabulous about it?
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It's a classic.
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They based "My Fair Lady" on it, stupid.
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Well, what do you think?
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I agree with you and Sally.
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The idea's good and Buddy's stupid.
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But I think we're going to have trouble with Pally's trainer.
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I don't think they'll allow us to ugly him up.
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Oh, I know they won't.
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Yes, Rob, listen, to make it work, you gotta
find the ugliest, stupidest dog in the world.
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Ha ha!
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That's right.
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Right?
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[whistles] Here boy.
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Come on, boy.
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Come on, boy.
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What's he got out there?
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I don't know, but whatever it is, it's stupid.
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Whatever it is, it's ugly.
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You gonna bring that thing in here?
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Sure, I am.
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Come on, boy.
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Thattaboy.
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Nice boy.
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Thattaboy.
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That's the most absurd looking animal I've ever seen.
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What is that?
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That-- that-- what?
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Try mutt.
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Mutt?
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Yeah, I got him at the dog pound.
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Isn't he ghastly?
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He's a stray.
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Stray nothing, he missed completely.
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I'll tell you something else,
I'll never sleep on that couch again.
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I say we owe him something already.
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Rob, that is ugly.
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Yeah, that's why I got him.
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He's perfect for the sketch.
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Oh, I think I'd better check with Pally's trainer.
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I don't think they'll let that creature near her.
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With you here, this is a step up.
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Oh, I don't think he's that ugly.
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Now you take him and clean him up a
little bit, you'd have a clean, ugly dog.
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Boy, that dog is so homely-- Are
you gonna make a joke right there?
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That was my sincere desire.
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Well, wait 'til she gets paper in the
machine, because that's our sketch.
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You know, Rob, I still kind of feel sorry for him.
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You see that, fella?
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Even though you're funny looking, you're among friends.
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Look at that, he licked me.
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You better wash it off before the skin corrodes.
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As the curtain comes down, Alan wins his bet.
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Pally has won the award for the
most beautiful dog in the world.
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Now we got a great sketch.
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Right.
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We'll need the closing line, though.
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I got it.
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I got it.
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"You can't tell a book by its cover.
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You can't tell a dog by its coat.
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But you can tell your sister anything."
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[laughs]
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I'm laughing, and that doesn't make any sense.
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Well, before they realize that, we'll be off the air.
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[dog barks]
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Hey, he likes it, you see?
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Done, done, done.
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There we are.
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Alan's gonna love it.
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And old Horrible here was a great inspiration.
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Hey, maybe we should keep an ugly
dog around here all the time.
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We don't need him, we got Mel.
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Oh, gesundheit.
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Hey, Rob, I'm going home, right?
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All finished.
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Yeah, me too.
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Good night, Rob. Good night, Buddy.
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Good night, Horrible.
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Good night, Sal.
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Wait a minute, Sal, I'll go with you.
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Good night, Rob. Good night, Horrible.
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Good night.
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Good night, Horrible.
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Good night, Horrible?
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Hey, Rob, I just thought--
Yeah, I just thought, too.
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Hey, fellas, I just thought-- how
can you work with a dog all day
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long and then leave and forget he's here?
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I don't know, but three out of three people do it.
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I kind of assumed that maybe Mel would
make some arrangements or something.
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Well, he didn't.
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We can't just go leave the poor guy here all alone.
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Well, Rob, we can't stay here all night and sit with him.
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Well, that takes care of the can'ts, now
let's look at the-- [sneezes] --at the cans.
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Bless you.
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Hey, why don't you just send him back to the pound?
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Well, we can't.
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It's closed for one thing, besides we need him
for rehearsal first thing in the morning.
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Well, get him a nice dish of water.
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Oh, a dish of water is not very much company.
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So put a fish in it.
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Look, you guys, I'd take him home if I could, but I can't.
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You know, dogs do that to me, some of 'em.
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I thought I was catching a cold, but it's him I'm
aller-- [sneezes] I'm allergic to, that's who.
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I can't do it.
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I can't even sleep in the same house with him.
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Well, how about a kennel?
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Rob can't sleep in a kennel.
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Well, we can't go calling kennels
this time of night anyway.
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Why don't we chip and send him to a hotel?
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Ah, they won't take him, he's got no luggage.
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All right, I'm it.
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Sorry, Rob.
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All right, good night.
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So what am I gonna say to Laura?
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Honey, guess what I'm bringing home tonight?
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Oh, that's no good.
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Why not?
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You don't know what you're bringing home.
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Rob.
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Why are you coming in this way?
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Hi, honey.
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I had to put something in the garage.
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Well, then why didn't you come in through the garage?
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Gee, you're making an awful mess.
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Well, the garage door is covered
with grease and junk and everything.
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So I had to put the thing out on the patio.
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What thing?
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[sneezes] I tried to call you, honey.
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You catching a cold?
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No, no.
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Oh, I was over at Millie's.
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I wanted to call you and tell you I was bringing a dog home.
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A puppy?
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Hardly.
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Well, what kind of a dog?
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That hasn't been established yet.
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Rob, we decided that when we got
Ritch a dog, it would be a puppy.
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Honey, this isn't for Rich.
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We're using it on the show.
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Oh, well, why are you leaving it outside?
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Well-- [gasps]
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That's why.
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What is that?
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That is Horrible.
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I know, why are you bringing him?
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Oh, well, honey, I didn't want to.
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Wait a minute, Horrible.
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I didn't want to, ask somebody about bringing
Buddy and Sally had airtight alibis?
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Oh, yeah, better than usual.
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Well, I can't say I blame them.
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Hey, over here, Horrible.
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Yeah, he usually doesn't look this ugly.
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He got a little wet coming in from the car.
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Oh.
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You know, there's something about rain on hair or fur.
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Mm-hmm, I've got an old beach towel here.
201
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You'll never be able to use it again.
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Well, we gotta get him dry, poor baby.
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Oh, honey, you're a good woman.
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Here you go, boy.
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[sneezes]
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That's right.
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00:08:01,279 --> 00:08:02,864
Nice.
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00:08:02,948 --> 00:08:06,827
[sneezes] Honey, you're gonna have
to-- Let Mommy do it, will you?
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Come here.
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Good boy.
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Here.
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He's nice, isn't he?
213
00:08:13,792 --> 00:08:18,630
Oh, Rob, has he been eating onions?
214
00:08:18,755 --> 00:08:21,925
Yeah, he grabbed Buddy's hamburger.
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Come on.
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You know, he can sleep over in the
corner, I guess, for the night.
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We'll never use the corner again.
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RITCHIE: Mom!
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00:08:31,018 --> 00:08:33,103
Just a minute, dear.
220
00:08:33,228 --> 00:08:38,275
Oh, Rob, we're gonna have a problem with Ritchie
He's gonna take one look at him and fall in love.
221
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That ugly dog?
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Darling, when you were a boy,
did you ever bring home a pretty dog?
223
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Never.
224
00:08:44,698 --> 00:08:46,950
That's right, pretty dogs don't need little boys.
225
00:08:47,075 --> 00:08:50,954
And this guy is lonely enough for a boy scout troop.
226
00:08:51,079 --> 00:08:54,166
Well, if Ritchie does want to keep him,
you're the one who's gonna have to say no.
227
00:08:54,291 --> 00:08:55,417
Well, I'm not backing down.
228
00:08:55,500 --> 00:08:57,461
RITCHIE: Hey, mom, when can we eat?
229
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He'll just have to understand, that's all, honey.
230
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Mom!
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00:09:01,757 --> 00:09:02,591
Uh.
232
00:09:02,674 --> 00:09:03,884
Wow.
233
00:09:03,967 --> 00:09:07,471
Now Rich-- Rich,
your father is allergic to that dog.
234
00:09:07,596 --> 00:09:10,265
He's here for the one night, and we cannot keep him.
235
00:09:10,349 --> 00:09:12,934
Good, he's funny looking and he stinks.
236
00:09:13,018 --> 00:09:13,935
Yuck!
237
00:09:17,147 --> 00:09:18,774
This corned beef is for you.
238
00:09:18,857 --> 00:09:23,487
Sorry, they forgot-- they forgot
to put the Russian dressing on it.
239
00:09:23,570 --> 00:09:25,030
His corned beef?
240
00:09:25,155 --> 00:09:26,990
I thought the burger was his and the corned beef was yours.
241
00:09:27,115 --> 00:09:27,991
He had a burger yesterday.
242
00:09:28,075 --> 00:09:29,326
This one's mine.
243
00:09:29,409 --> 00:09:31,578
Buddy, dogs don't eat corned beef sandwiches.
244
00:09:31,661 --> 00:09:32,871
What makes you say that?
245
00:09:32,996 --> 00:09:35,832
Did you ever see a Collie with a heartburn?
246
00:09:35,916 --> 00:09:37,417
He happens to love delicatessen.
247
00:09:37,501 --> 00:09:38,710
He almost ate the delivery boy.
248
00:09:38,835 --> 00:09:41,004
Here you are, fella, right here.
249
00:09:41,129 --> 00:09:42,005
There you go.
250
00:09:44,591 --> 00:09:46,510
Look at that, he likes it.
251
00:09:46,635 --> 00:09:48,387
Sure, he likes it.
252
00:09:48,512 --> 00:09:51,223
Here you go, boy.
253
00:09:51,348 --> 00:09:52,432
What are you doing there?
254
00:09:52,516 --> 00:09:54,017
I'm giving him some milk.
255
00:09:54,101 --> 00:09:55,018
Milk with corned beef?
256
00:09:55,102 --> 00:09:58,188
That ain't kosher.
257
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Are you kidding?
258
00:09:59,231 --> 00:10:00,774
It's green soda or nothing.
259
00:10:03,026 --> 00:10:04,528
Rob, he's trying to kill that dog.
260
00:10:04,653 --> 00:10:07,364
No, he's trying to convert him.
261
00:10:07,489 --> 00:10:08,990
Rob.
262
00:10:09,074 --> 00:10:11,910
I hate to interrupt you in the middle of lunch, pal, but kill.
263
00:10:12,035 --> 00:10:14,287
Bad news, the "Pygmalion" sketch is out.
264
00:10:14,371 --> 00:10:15,205
Why?
265
00:10:15,330 --> 00:10:16,373
Alan loved it.
266
00:10:16,498 --> 00:10:18,375
No, Pally's no longer on the show.
267
00:10:18,458 --> 00:10:19,710
Don't tell me he didn't like the sketch.
268
00:10:19,793 --> 00:10:22,170
No, he didn't like Alan, he bit him.
269
00:10:22,254 --> 00:10:23,213
Is it serious, Mel?
270
00:10:23,296 --> 00:10:24,756
No, no, no, just a little nip.
271
00:10:24,881 --> 00:10:28,260
But Alan won't work with any actor who bites him.
272
00:10:28,385 --> 00:10:30,637
OK, group, how do we replace a dog?
273
00:10:30,721 --> 00:10:31,972
The problem's already been solved.
274
00:10:32,055 --> 00:10:34,307
He rented some children to sing to.
275
00:10:34,391 --> 00:10:35,392
You're kidding.
276
00:10:35,475 --> 00:10:36,727
No, no, no.
277
00:10:36,810 --> 00:10:39,396
No, he's going to put them around in
a circle and sing camp songs to them.
278
00:10:39,479 --> 00:10:40,981
That's warm.
279
00:10:41,064 --> 00:10:44,317
Well, if that doesn't work, he could always
bake an apple pie or dance with his mother.
280
00:10:44,401 --> 00:10:47,946
So I guess you better take your dog back to the pound.
281
00:10:48,071 --> 00:10:50,782
No, why don't we keep him and send you to the pound?
282
00:10:50,907 --> 00:10:52,075
They'll never know the difference.
283
00:10:52,200 --> 00:10:53,035
Oh, sure they will.
284
00:10:53,118 --> 00:10:54,161
The dog's got more hair.
285
00:10:57,164 --> 00:10:58,665
Sally!
286
00:10:58,749 --> 00:11:03,337
Mel, I just thought it would hurt less coming from me.
287
00:11:03,420 --> 00:11:04,546
Well, it didn't.
288
00:11:08,133 --> 00:11:10,886
Gee, I gotta take him back to the pound.
289
00:11:10,969 --> 00:11:12,929
I hadn't even thought about that.
290
00:11:15,640 --> 00:11:18,268
Gee, Rob, you really like that mutt, don't you?
291
00:11:18,393 --> 00:11:19,436
[sneezes]
292
00:11:19,561 --> 00:11:20,354
Bless you.
293
00:11:20,437 --> 00:11:21,646
Me too.
294
00:11:21,772 --> 00:11:24,274
I think this is the nicest dog I ever saw.
295
00:11:24,399 --> 00:11:27,194
Maybe we can wait till after lunch
to take him back to the pound.
296
00:11:27,277 --> 00:11:29,071
That was a short romance.
297
00:11:29,154 --> 00:11:33,283
Well, I guess, Mel's right, but it's sad to take him back.
298
00:11:33,367 --> 00:11:35,285
Well, get it over with.
299
00:11:35,369 --> 00:11:36,203
Come on, Horrible.
300
00:11:36,286 --> 00:11:37,371
Let's go to the pound.
301
00:11:37,454 --> 00:11:38,622
Come on, Horrible.
302
00:11:50,133 --> 00:11:50,717
Good morning.
303
00:11:50,801 --> 00:11:51,843
What can I do for you?
304
00:11:51,968 --> 00:11:55,305
You guys called me this morning
at the place about my pooch.
305
00:11:55,389 --> 00:11:57,974
Oh, yes, what was the name?
306
00:11:58,100 --> 00:11:59,226
Barton Mack.
307
00:11:59,309 --> 00:12:00,602
Mack.
308
00:12:00,686 --> 00:12:02,354
Where did you find her?
309
00:12:02,479 --> 00:12:04,189
Central Park, last night.
310
00:12:04,314 --> 00:12:05,524
Lucky she wasn't mugged.
311
00:12:05,649 --> 00:12:07,526
I'll get her.
312
00:12:07,651 --> 00:12:08,652
I'll be with you in a moment.
313
00:12:08,735 --> 00:12:10,487
Oh, thank you.
314
00:12:10,612 --> 00:12:13,240
Shoo, you got a heart of gold, right?
315
00:12:13,323 --> 00:12:14,491
What, me?
316
00:12:14,574 --> 00:12:18,578
When the average guy finds that dog,
he runs in the opposite direction.
317
00:12:18,662 --> 00:12:20,497
Yeah, well, he's not exactly Rin Tin Tin.
318
00:12:20,580 --> 00:12:22,457
He's got a kind of a personality though.
319
00:12:22,541 --> 00:12:25,669
I can smell it.
320
00:12:25,794 --> 00:12:28,130
Well, I sure hope they find a good home for him.
321
00:12:28,213 --> 00:12:31,174
Yeah, it's a shame to have to croak any dog.
322
00:12:31,258 --> 00:12:34,678
Oh, it's a shame--
what do you mean?
323
00:12:34,803 --> 00:12:35,721
What do you mean croak?
324
00:12:35,846 --> 00:12:37,347
Well, I mean put him to sleep.
325
00:12:37,472 --> 00:12:38,682
Bye bye, bow-wow.
326
00:12:41,184 --> 00:12:42,144
Well, why?
327
00:12:42,227 --> 00:12:43,020
Who?
328
00:12:43,145 --> 00:12:44,187
Well, they do.
329
00:12:44,312 --> 00:12:45,772
I mean, they keep him for a couple of weeks.
330
00:12:45,856 --> 00:12:48,316
If nobody claims him, they gotta.
331
00:12:48,400 --> 00:12:49,901
I mean, they don't wanna.
332
00:12:50,027 --> 00:12:52,529
But they get thousands of dogs.
333
00:12:52,612 --> 00:12:54,865
And him, he's asking for it.
334
00:13:00,662 --> 00:13:03,832
You mean, they just--
they just-- There she is.
335
00:13:03,915 --> 00:13:07,377
Oh, oh, oh, Ronda, baby, you're all right.
336
00:13:07,502 --> 00:13:08,337
She's fine.
337
00:13:08,420 --> 00:13:09,379
She just had a big meal.
338
00:13:09,504 --> 00:13:10,380
Oh, thanks.
339
00:13:10,505 --> 00:13:12,549
Oh, Ronda, you're beautiful.
340
00:13:12,632 --> 00:13:14,051
Daddy's very angry at you.
341
00:13:14,134 --> 00:13:17,554
And if you ever run away again, Daddy's gonna spank you.
342
00:13:17,679 --> 00:13:18,805
Naughty, naughty.
343
00:13:21,391 --> 00:13:24,061
Well, good luck, pal.
344
00:13:24,144 --> 00:13:24,728
Yes, sir.
345
00:13:24,853 --> 00:13:26,021
Oh, Mr. Petrie.
346
00:13:26,104 --> 00:13:26,980
How is the show?
347
00:13:27,064 --> 00:13:28,648
Look, what are you gonna do to her?
348
00:13:28,732 --> 00:13:30,108
I don't understand.
349
00:13:30,233 --> 00:13:34,321
Well, that guy said if nobody claims them, you
just-- Oh, well, unfortunately that's the rule.
350
00:13:34,404 --> 00:13:37,282
Of course, if I had my way, I'd take them all home with me.
351
00:13:37,407 --> 00:13:40,577
Well, I have my way and nobody's
going to put my dog away.
352
00:13:40,660 --> 00:13:41,745
Come on.
353
00:13:47,626 --> 00:13:49,670
You better come to, you're my dog.
354
00:14:00,430 --> 00:14:01,306
Hi, Rob.
355
00:14:01,431 --> 00:14:02,683
Hi, Horrible.
356
00:14:02,766 --> 00:14:03,892
No luck, huh?
357
00:14:07,104 --> 00:14:07,688
Bye, mom.
358
00:14:07,771 --> 00:14:09,147
Bye, dad.
359
00:14:09,272 --> 00:14:11,108
Yuck.
360
00:14:11,233 --> 00:14:13,694
Does he remind you of that kid in "The Bad Seed?"
361
00:14:16,279 --> 00:14:16,988
Harry didn't want him?
362
00:14:17,114 --> 00:14:18,740
No, Harry didn't want him.
363
00:14:18,824 --> 00:14:20,784
The gas station didn't want him.
364
00:14:20,909 --> 00:14:22,577
Anything from Buddy and Sally?
365
00:14:22,661 --> 00:14:23,954
No.
366
00:14:24,079 --> 00:14:26,498
Rob, how much would it cost to board him?
367
00:14:26,623 --> 00:14:27,791
For the rest of his life?
368
00:14:27,874 --> 00:14:30,002
Well, no, just till somebody wants him.
369
00:14:30,127 --> 00:14:32,838
That is the rest of his life.
370
00:14:32,963 --> 00:14:34,631
Poor old Horrible.
371
00:14:34,756 --> 00:14:36,925
Gee, he sure grows on you, doesn't he?
372
00:14:37,009 --> 00:14:41,138
I don't suppose there's any possibility
that we could keep him, is there?
373
00:14:41,221 --> 00:14:42,556
Well.
374
00:14:42,639 --> 00:14:44,141
[sneezes]
375
00:14:44,224 --> 00:14:45,142
Guess not.
376
00:14:48,687 --> 00:14:50,147
There's only one thing to do.
377
00:14:50,230 --> 00:14:52,524
Rob, you can't take him back to the pound.
378
00:14:52,649 --> 00:14:54,818
I'm not taking him back to any pound.
379
00:14:54,943 --> 00:14:56,069
I am setting him free.
380
00:14:56,153 --> 00:14:57,696
Well, they'll just catch him again.
381
00:14:57,821 --> 00:15:01,033
If David Janssen could do it, he could do it.
382
00:15:01,158 --> 00:15:01,825
OK.
383
00:15:01,908 --> 00:15:02,784
Go on, Horrible.
384
00:15:02,868 --> 00:15:04,453
Run for it, boy.
385
00:15:04,536 --> 00:15:05,579
Run for it.
386
00:15:05,662 --> 00:15:07,080
Go on.
387
00:15:07,164 --> 00:15:11,126
Horrible, why do you look so horrible?
388
00:15:11,209 --> 00:15:14,338
Why do I have to get such brilliant
ideas that always get us in trouble.
389
00:15:14,463 --> 00:15:16,506
The darn sketch never even got on the air.
390
00:15:16,631 --> 00:15:18,633
The sketch, "Pygmalion."
391
00:15:18,717 --> 00:15:19,801
Rotten idea.
392
00:15:19,885 --> 00:15:21,470
No, it wasn't, Rob.
393
00:15:21,553 --> 00:15:23,305
Let's do it with him.
394
00:15:23,388 --> 00:15:24,681
What?
395
00:15:24,765 --> 00:15:27,017
We'll get him all prettied up so somebody would want him.
396
00:15:27,100 --> 00:15:29,644
Yeah, and if he got ugly again,
by that time they gotta love him.
397
00:15:29,728 --> 00:15:30,645
Yeah.
398
00:15:30,729 --> 00:15:31,605
That can't work.
399
00:15:31,688 --> 00:15:33,231
Oh, Rob, it's worth a try.
400
00:15:33,357 --> 00:15:34,232
All right.
401
00:15:34,358 --> 00:15:36,526
At least this way you have a chance.
402
00:15:36,610 --> 00:15:38,278
That's a brainstorm.
403
00:15:38,362 --> 00:15:41,365
That is a great idea.
404
00:15:41,448 --> 00:15:42,699
What am I looking up?
405
00:15:42,824 --> 00:15:45,160
Uh, dog salon.
406
00:15:45,243 --> 00:15:55,128
Oh yeah, docks, documents, doctors, dogs-- the
Bowwowerie, the Poodle Palace, the Puppy Palace,
407
00:15:55,212 --> 00:16:01,009
the Silver Hydrant, Mr. Doggy.
408
00:16:01,093 --> 00:16:02,344
You know of any of those?
409
00:16:02,427 --> 00:16:04,554
I think Grace takes her dog to The Puppy Palace.
410
00:16:04,638 --> 00:16:06,765
All right, puppy palace it is.
411
00:16:06,890 --> 00:16:08,892
Horrible, we're gonna make you handsome.
412
00:16:08,975 --> 00:16:12,270
Oh, Rob, I think The Puppy Palace only takes poodles.
413
00:16:12,396 --> 00:16:16,817
Well, who knows, honey, he may be one or maybe two.
414
00:16:20,028 --> 00:16:21,405
Bye bye, Buckets.
415
00:16:27,160 --> 00:16:29,454
Hello there, I'm Rob Petrie, I called a little bit earlier.
416
00:16:29,579 --> 00:16:30,622
Oh, yes.
417
00:16:30,747 --> 00:16:33,792
Oh my.
418
00:16:33,917 --> 00:16:36,461
You were right, this is an emergency.
419
00:16:36,586 --> 00:16:39,423
Well, why don't you come in here where it's more comfortable.
420
00:16:39,548 --> 00:16:40,799
Thank you.
421
00:16:40,924 --> 00:16:45,095
Yes, we have some collars and
some accessories right over there.
422
00:16:45,220 --> 00:16:47,097
Rex will be right with you.
423
00:16:47,222 --> 00:16:48,515
Rex?
424
00:16:48,598 --> 00:16:52,811
My husband, he might be able to help you with your problem.
425
00:16:52,936 --> 00:16:54,396
I thought it was a dog.
426
00:16:54,479 --> 00:16:56,064
It may be.
427
00:16:56,148 --> 00:16:58,608
Hey, will you look at these collars?
428
00:16:58,692 --> 00:16:59,943
Better looking than my jewelry.
429
00:17:00,027 --> 00:17:02,404
This is some place.
430
00:17:02,487 --> 00:17:04,781
I got a feeling it's gonna cost us a fortune, too.
431
00:17:04,865 --> 00:17:05,741
Good morning.
432
00:17:05,824 --> 00:17:06,658
Oh, good morning.
433
00:17:06,783 --> 00:17:07,617
I'm Rob Petrie.
434
00:17:07,701 --> 00:17:09,578
This is my wife Laura.
435
00:17:09,661 --> 00:17:12,414
Rexford Spaulding.
436
00:17:12,497 --> 00:17:16,084
This is our dog,
Horrib-- our dog.
437
00:17:16,168 --> 00:17:18,670
Well, he doesn't have a name.
438
00:17:18,795 --> 00:17:21,631
He doesn't deserve one.
439
00:17:21,715 --> 00:17:22,591
Now, wait a minute.
440
00:17:22,674 --> 00:17:23,717
Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
441
00:17:23,800 --> 00:17:26,636
I've been under terrible pressure,
getting ready for the big show.
442
00:17:26,720 --> 00:17:27,804
I do many of the dogs, you know.
443
00:17:27,888 --> 00:17:28,805
Oh?
444
00:17:28,930 --> 00:17:30,390
Four Champions in six years.
445
00:17:30,474 --> 00:17:31,725
Oh, that's wonderful.
446
00:17:31,808 --> 00:17:36,855
This year, put your money on Lord Swifty of
Nottingham, an Irish Setter, marvelous coat,
447
00:17:36,980 --> 00:17:38,857
perfect stance, good breath.
448
00:17:38,982 --> 00:17:40,317
They judge on breath?
449
00:17:40,442 --> 00:17:44,446
No, but when you work as closely
with them as I do, it means a lot.
450
00:17:44,529 --> 00:17:45,530
Uh, darling.
451
00:17:45,655 --> 00:17:49,701
Oh, well, Mr. Rex, what about our dog here?
452
00:17:49,826 --> 00:17:50,661
May I?
453
00:17:50,744 --> 00:17:53,538
Oh, yeah, please do.
454
00:17:53,664 --> 00:17:57,626
[music playing]
455
00:18:07,386 --> 00:18:11,390
What exactly did you have in mind?
456
00:18:11,515 --> 00:18:15,686
Well, we want you to make him beautiful.
457
00:18:15,769 --> 00:18:17,270
And your second choice?
458
00:18:19,940 --> 00:18:22,651
Well, beautiful is a lot to ask.
459
00:18:22,734 --> 00:18:25,737
Well, can't you kind of pretty him up a little bit?
460
00:18:25,862 --> 00:18:30,867
Pretty the best this beast will ever be is grotesque.
461
00:18:30,993 --> 00:18:31,952
Impossible.
462
00:18:32,035 --> 00:18:32,869
Impossible?
463
00:18:32,995 --> 00:18:35,163
Absolutely impossible.
464
00:18:35,247 --> 00:18:38,000
Well, if that's the way it is, honey,
we'll try and do it ourselves, that's all.
465
00:18:38,083 --> 00:18:39,126
- Of course. - We can go someplace else.
466
00:18:39,209 --> 00:18:40,377
The Bowwowerie is down the street.
467
00:18:40,502 --> 00:18:41,128
Wait!
468
00:18:41,211 --> 00:18:42,379
I think I hit a nerve.
469
00:18:44,715 --> 00:18:45,590
Horrible.
470
00:18:48,927 --> 00:18:50,303
Sit.
471
00:18:50,387 --> 00:18:51,346
Not you.
472
00:19:01,106 --> 00:19:06,361
Once in every man's lifetime,
there comes a supreme challenge.
473
00:19:06,445 --> 00:19:07,904
You mean you take a shot at horrible?
474
00:19:07,988 --> 00:19:09,990
A shot would be the humane thing to do.
475
00:19:12,868 --> 00:19:13,744
However.
476
00:19:20,042 --> 00:19:23,462
Has he been eating onion?
477
00:19:23,587 --> 00:19:24,713
That was two days ago.
478
00:19:27,257 --> 00:19:29,426
You know,
I was thinking that-- Sh!
479
00:19:33,138 --> 00:19:35,599
Yeah, you see there-- Sh!
480
00:19:39,728 --> 00:19:40,562
Yes!
481
00:19:40,645 --> 00:19:41,438
Yes!
482
00:19:41,563 --> 00:19:42,773
Yes!
483
00:19:42,898 --> 00:19:43,690
Mr. and Mrs. Petrie?
484
00:19:43,774 --> 00:19:45,108
Yes.
485
00:19:45,192 --> 00:19:46,151
Will you allow me to do anything I want to do?
486
00:19:46,276 --> 00:19:47,694
Well, yeah, within reason.
487
00:19:47,778 --> 00:19:48,779
Good, then go.
488
00:19:48,904 --> 00:19:50,113
Give me three hours.
489
00:19:50,238 --> 00:19:51,156
Three hours?
490
00:19:51,281 --> 00:19:53,325
I could use a month.
491
00:19:53,450 --> 00:19:55,202
Well, OK, three hours then.
492
00:19:55,285 --> 00:19:56,995
Gee, what'll we do with all that time?
493
00:19:57,120 --> 00:20:00,499
May I suggest you go to a beauty
parlor and you get a haircut.
494
00:20:00,624 --> 00:20:01,792
And you, come.
495
00:20:07,464 --> 00:20:10,258
$275.
496
00:20:10,342 --> 00:20:12,386
It is nicer than Laura's.
497
00:20:12,469 --> 00:20:13,136
Hi.
498
00:20:13,220 --> 00:20:14,012
Oh, hi, honey.
499
00:20:14,137 --> 00:20:15,305
Hey, your hair.
500
00:20:15,430 --> 00:20:16,431
Yeah.
501
00:20:16,515 --> 00:20:19,518
Hey, I don't want to kid you or
anything, but it looks just the same.
502
00:20:19,643 --> 00:20:20,268
It is the same, dear.
503
00:20:20,352 --> 00:20:21,478
They couldn't take me.
504
00:20:21,603 --> 00:20:23,522
Everyone in town is getting
their hair done for the dog show.
505
00:20:23,647 --> 00:20:24,940
You didn't get a haircut either.
506
00:20:25,023 --> 00:20:26,233
No, it was kitty day.
507
00:20:29,277 --> 00:20:31,655
Honey, will you look at that.
508
00:20:31,780 --> 00:20:32,906
I can't believe it.
509
00:20:32,989 --> 00:20:36,201
Of course, he's-- He's
beautiful, just-- Gorgeous.
510
00:20:36,326 --> 00:20:40,580
Oh, you're a genius--
Will you two stop?
511
00:20:40,664 --> 00:20:44,835
Do you for a moment think that Lord Swifty is your dog?
512
00:20:44,960 --> 00:20:45,919
That's Lord Swifty?
513
00:20:46,003 --> 00:20:46,962
Of Nottingham?
514
00:20:47,045 --> 00:20:48,505
In person.
515
00:20:48,630 --> 00:20:55,303
This is an example of what I can do when I'm
given something to work with, like a dog.
516
00:20:55,387 --> 00:20:56,013
Deliver.
517
00:20:56,138 --> 00:20:57,222
Yes.
518
00:20:59,933 --> 00:21:01,351
Listen, what about Horrible?
519
00:21:01,435 --> 00:21:02,853
He's still horrible.
520
00:21:02,936 --> 00:21:04,187
I'll need at least another hour.
521
00:21:04,271 --> 00:21:05,897
Another hour?
522
00:21:06,023 --> 00:21:08,775
What are you gonna do?
523
00:21:08,859 --> 00:21:09,818
Get a haircut.
524
00:21:09,901 --> 00:21:11,737
What am I gonna do?
525
00:21:11,862 --> 00:21:13,238
Go with him.
526
00:21:13,363 --> 00:21:14,865
And if you're a good girl, they'll give you a balloon.
527
00:21:21,997 --> 00:21:23,623
Well, suppose he's still ugly.
528
00:21:23,707 --> 00:21:25,876
You know, I was thinking about that.
529
00:21:25,959 --> 00:21:29,880
Well, we'll just end up the
owners of a nice, ugly dog then.
530
00:21:29,963 --> 00:21:31,673
Looks aren't everything.
531
00:21:31,757 --> 00:21:32,591
Right.
532
00:21:32,716 --> 00:21:33,383
What about your nose?
533
00:21:33,508 --> 00:21:34,676
Yeah, it's not the greatest.
534
00:21:34,760 --> 00:21:35,719
I get along with it.
535
00:21:35,844 --> 00:21:37,346
No, Rob, I meant the sneezing.
536
00:21:37,429 --> 00:21:41,016
Oh, well, he'll be a little lonely, I guess.
537
00:21:41,099 --> 00:21:42,934
He can sleep outside and I'll take pills.
538
00:21:43,060 --> 00:21:45,312
Mr. Petrie, your dog is ready.
539
00:21:45,395 --> 00:21:46,313
That's not our dog.
540
00:21:46,396 --> 00:21:49,107
Not unless they dyed his hair.
541
00:21:49,232 --> 00:21:50,317
Is that Swifty again?
542
00:21:50,400 --> 00:21:53,570
Oh, no, no, no, this is Lady Penelope.
543
00:21:53,653 --> 00:21:54,321
Lady Penelope?
544
00:21:54,404 --> 00:21:57,324
Lord Swifty's first wife.
545
00:21:57,407 --> 00:21:59,451
I didn't know they broke up.
546
00:22:02,412 --> 00:22:06,083
Mr. and Mrs. Petrie,
may I present-- what did you call him?
547
00:22:06,166 --> 00:22:08,543
Uh, well, Horrible.
548
00:22:08,627 --> 00:22:12,339
Hardly appropriate, may I present the impossible.
549
00:22:14,966 --> 00:22:18,095
Honey, will you look at that.
550
00:22:18,220 --> 00:22:19,596
I can't believe it.
551
00:22:19,721 --> 00:22:23,600
How do you like-- He-- I can't--
Oh, Rex, you're a genius.
552
00:22:23,684 --> 00:22:27,229
You see, Rocky, other people think so too.
553
00:22:27,312 --> 00:22:29,106
Rob, he looks like an expensive dog.
554
00:22:29,231 --> 00:22:30,273
Oh, he is.
555
00:22:30,357 --> 00:22:31,525
No kidding.
556
00:22:31,608 --> 00:22:35,612
Yes, this remodeling will cost you $75.
557
00:22:35,737 --> 00:22:36,697
That's expensive.
558
00:22:36,780 --> 00:22:38,532
He's beautiful, but don't fool yourself.
559
00:22:38,615 --> 00:22:42,494
He's not a fine show dog, he's an ordinary Poocock.
560
00:22:42,619 --> 00:22:43,620
A Poocock?
561
00:22:43,745 --> 00:22:47,332
Yes, half poodle, half Cocker Spaniel.
562
00:22:47,457 --> 00:22:50,627
Poocock, you know, is much nicer than mutt.
563
00:22:50,752 --> 00:22:51,962
Not necessarily.
564
00:22:52,045 --> 00:22:56,133
When we cross a Schnauzer with a
Poodle, we call it-- A Schnoodle.
565
00:22:56,258 --> 00:22:59,386
[laughter]
566
00:23:00,137 --> 00:23:01,430
Very good, very good.
567
00:23:01,513 --> 00:23:04,599
That's a trade joke.
568
00:23:04,683 --> 00:23:08,270
Well, Rex, I don't care how much he costs or I
don't even care what he is, I'm happy with him.
569
00:23:08,353 --> 00:23:11,148
When we take him back to the pound
now, somebody's bound to want him.
570
00:23:11,231 --> 00:23:12,816
The pound?
571
00:23:12,899 --> 00:23:14,151
Isn't he your dog?
572
00:23:14,234 --> 00:23:16,319
Well, no, actually we adopted him for a while.
573
00:23:16,403 --> 00:23:17,654
We do have to take him back.
574
00:23:17,738 --> 00:23:20,323
You're not taking my Poocock to any pound.
575
00:23:20,407 --> 00:23:21,325
Well, I'd rather not.
576
00:23:21,450 --> 00:23:22,576
You know someone who wants him?
577
00:23:22,659 --> 00:23:25,579
Mr. and Mrs. Petrie, I want him.
578
00:23:25,662 --> 00:23:26,830
You do?
579
00:23:26,955 --> 00:23:28,999
I've become very fond of him.
580
00:23:29,082 --> 00:23:30,334
Well, Laura.
581
00:23:30,417 --> 00:23:31,877
Don't worry, I'll take very good care of him.
582
00:23:32,002 --> 00:23:35,172
You see, he and I, well, we're two of a kind.
583
00:23:35,255 --> 00:23:38,258
You're-- We're not all
purebreds, you know.
584
00:23:38,342 --> 00:23:39,718
Oh, of course.
585
00:23:39,843 --> 00:23:42,054
I'm a Freek.
586
00:23:42,179 --> 00:23:43,180
Huh?
587
00:23:43,305 --> 00:23:47,559
Part French, part Greek, Freek.
588
00:23:47,684 --> 00:23:50,645
Is that one of those trade jokes?
589
00:23:50,729 --> 00:23:52,689
Well, you may visit us anytime you wish.
590
00:23:52,814 --> 00:23:55,442
Of course, please call, please call first.
591
00:23:55,525 --> 00:23:58,278
Boy, boy, it's tea time.
592
00:24:03,992 --> 00:24:06,119
We did find him a happy home, though, you know?
593
00:24:06,203 --> 00:24:07,204
It's kind of sad though.
594
00:24:07,329 --> 00:24:08,580
Oh, yeah.
595
00:24:08,705 --> 00:24:12,292
But aren't you proud you live in a country
where a dirty old Poocock can end up living
596
00:24:12,376 --> 00:24:13,502
with a rich, young Freek.
597
00:24:24,096 --> 00:24:29,476
[theme music]
42075
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