All language subtitles for Youre.A.Big.Boy.Now.1966.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

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[man coughs]

[indistinct chatter]

[man coughs]

[indistinct chatter]

[man coughs]

[man coughs]

[indistinct chatter]

[instrumental music]

¶ Well you never can tell
but you're looking so well ¶

¶ That I gotta stop and say
How do you do? ¶

¶ I know it's a long shot
but judging what she's got ¶

¶ I'm hoping
that my judgement's true ¶

¶ Hey girl beautiful girl ¶

¶ Can I look at your insides? ¶

¶ Girl wrapped up in fur ¶

¶ I'm just mad
for your outsides ¶

¶ Mm that's what
my inside says ¶

¶ If only I could walk up
and tell her ¶

¶ But it seems so far
from me to her ¶

¶ And the ground
is so unfamiliar ¶

¶ Well I wish that I knew
'cause I'd be in a stew ¶

¶ If my little speech
sounded like a phony line ¶

¶ I know that it's doubtful
'cause she's heard a mouthful ¶

¶ Of come on up
and see me sometime ¶

¶ Hey girl beautiful girl ¶

¶ Can I look at your insides? ¶

¶ Girl wrapped up in fur
I'm just mad for your outsides ¶

[music continues]

¶ Well you never can tell
but you're looking so well ¶

¶ That I gotta stop and say
How do you do? ¶

¶ I know it's a long shot
but judging what she's got ¶

¶ I'm hoping
that my judgement's true ¶

¶ Hey girl beautiful girl ¶

¶ Can I look at your insides? ¶

¶ Girl wrapped up in fur ¶

¶ I'm just mad
for your outsides ¶

¶ Girl beautiful girl ¶

¶ Can I look at your insides? ¶¶

[elevator whirring]

[elevator bell dings]

[instrumental music]

You absolutely must not use
the book elevator, Bernard.

Who is she?

It's illegal, it's dangerous

'and it's only gonna
get you into trouble.'

[intercom buzzing]

Reading Room main,
Del Grado speaking.

(IH on intercom)
'My son has just stepped out'

'of the book elevator,
Del Grado.'

- 'Put him on.'
- Hm. Double trouble.

Especially
when it's your own father

and he has eyes everywhere.

Can you hear me, dad?

'I'll see you in my office
right now, big boy.'

(Raef)
'Say, uh, Bernard,
when you call your father dad'

are you really thinking daddy?

Hm, which is his real name

but inappropriate
when you're pushing 20.

(Bernard)
'I don't know
what to call him anymore.'

(Raef)
Well, let's see. Pop.

- Too jolly.
- Mm-hmm.

- How about papa?
- 'Sounds kind of foreign.'

(Raef)
Well, father is as phony as dad.

It's a great problem deciding
what to call your father

when you're all grown up.

You know,
you could use his initials.

IH?

He's waiting for you, Bernard.

- International harvester.
- He's mad.

Internal hemorrhage.

Come in, Bernard.

Sit down.

Your mother's here.

Why are you wearing
your eyeglasses?

You promised me
that you would never wear those.

Excuse me, mom.

Now let's forget
about eyeglasses today.

- Margery.
- I won't forget about them.

We spent $200 for contact lenses
and he never wears it.

(IH)
'I don't wanna talk about
contact lenses, eyeglasses'

chlorophyll pills,
bow legs or plastic surgery.

- I wanna talk about our son.
- That is our son.

[Margery sobbing]

- Bernard..
- I-I'm listening, dad.

How long have you been working
here at the library?

One month, father.

- Are you happy here?
- Yes, pop.

Then why do you embarrass me
every time you get the chance?

Bernard, Bernard,
what are you doing?

- Lost my lens.
- Oh, don't anybody move.

- Nobody move.
- Del Grado, wake up!

- Get in here.
- Yes, yes, IH.

Now find my son's contact lens.
Bernard, sit.

Right. Uh, Bernard,
was it the right or the left?

- Just look for it.
- He embarrasses me, too.

But that's just the way he is.
I mean, I won't blame myself.

- I won't, I won't!
- 'Yes, IH?'

- Nothing! Nothing.
- What way am I?

Damned irresponsible,
that's what you are, big boy.

But you can rest assured,
once aware of the fact

that one's irresponsibility
is as just as much

one's parents' responsibility
as one's own responsibility.

I'm sorry I embarrass you,
daddy, and-and you, mommy.

Mom.

I'm even sorry
I embarrass myself.

Ha! I found it.

- Oh, how nice of you.
- That's all, Del Grado.

Thanks, Raef.

I'll wait till you put it
in your other eye.

(Margery)
'Careful, careful.
Don't.. Oh. Oh.'

'Careful, darling.
That's, right there.'

'Ooh, a little to the left.'

Oh, there it is.

[sniffles]

Oh..

Ready, papa.

(IH)
You've been here a month.

And aside from developing
unnatural skills

on roller skates,
you've been a complete failure.

'If your father
wasn't much your father is'

'you'd been fired
your first week here.'

Now here it is, big boy,
straight and to the point.

- Grow up! Quiet!
- Oh, he's too young.

You're gonna live in
your own apartment in the city

pay for it with your own money.
What do you say to that?

- Terrific!
- Oh, he's too young.

[sobbing]
He's too young.

Margery, your lint is settling
on the Gutenberg Bible.

[sobbing]

You're going to be lonely

living all by yourself
in that tiny apartment.

You're going to miss
your, your room in Great Neck.

- I know you are.
- Hello, Bernard.

(Bernard)
Hi.

I brought Rover along
in the car.

We better hurry, I don't
want him getting impatient

all over the upholstery.

Rover.

Big dog, nice dog. Hang dog.

See how excited
Rover is to see you?

(Bernard)
You know your name
isn't Rover?

You're my dog, I christened you
Dog eight years ago

when we were pups together.

[instrumental music]

Who is that girl
working in your father's office?

- She looks very cheap.
- Nobody special.

Well, what's her name, darling?
Everybody's got a name.

- Even Rover.
- Amy Partlett.

Sometimes I really wonder
who's responsible

for hiring people
in that office.

Certainly not your father.

(Bernard)
'Mother,
do you like people's faces?'

I mean, do you ever really

consider them? Or do you ever
think about them?

You haven't been
spending your time

with girls like that,
have you, Bernard?

I like to invent names
for people's faces.

I mean, cheap girls like that.

(Bernard)
Barnie Benzadream.

I don't like the way
she dresses.

Willy Whileaway.

And the way she wets her lips

with her tongue
before she speaks.

- Her teeth are crooked.
- 'Lonely Lozenges.'

I don't want you to associate
with girls of that kind.

Bernard, Rover is scratching
the glove compartment.

- Dog! Dog.
- No, Dog!

- You know his name.
- Oh, that's alright.

Ms. Thing,
Rover is just visiting.

No, he'll have to wait outside.

- Oh?
- Well, unless you carry him.

I don't want dog hairs
all over my building.

(Thing)
You're a nice boy.
What's your name?

(Margery)
Tell Ms. Thing your name.

- Bernard.
- 'Bernard.'

(Margery)
Bernard was 19 years old
just 4 months ago.

(Thing)
Oh! Well,
happy birthday, Bernard.

A nice room for nice
birthday boy. Isn't that right?

Bernard, this is Patrolman Graf.
One of New York's finest.

New tenant, Mr. Graf.

This was my older brother's
building.

'But he passed away,
and I guess it's all mine now.'

- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Even his rooster.

(Thing)
He had a pet rooster.

'Oh, well,
he left me everything he had.'

But in his will it stipulated
that the rooster must live

on the fifth floor,
unmolested, in perpetuity.

Oh, careful, Mrs. Chanticleer

my brother's rooster
hates females.

He just barely tolerates me.

Shoo-shoo-shoo-shoo. Oh!

Stand back. Shoo.

Oh, look at that.
He's already made friends.

- 'Ah.'
- Ha-ha-ha..

Well, here it is.
And may it ever be so humble.

[rooster clucking]

[instrumental music]

Oh, I don't know
about these stairs.

Bernard's right leg
is one full inch

shorter than his left leg,
you know?

- Oh.
- 'I don't mind the stairs. I--'

And rooster, you say,
in the city?

- That attacks people?
- Well, not people, only girls.

Oh. Girls only?

The younger and the prettier,
the more he hates them.

- Claws at their nylons.
- Is that a fact?

- I think it's nice.
- So do I, darling.

Oh, why don't you and Rover
go in and look around the room

while mommy and Ms. Thing
have a little chat?

[door shuts]

[water dripping]

WC.

Warring countries.

[explosion]

Now, here's enough
for three telephone calls.

And when you use up the three

I'll give you enough
for three more.

Welcome Communists.

[crowd cheering]

Bear with me, I must know if
there are girls telephoning him.

Bernard has not been able
to deal with life yet.

And he's certainly not ready
for girls.

[thuds]

See? Bernard baby,
are you alright?

Bernard? Bernard?

Goodbye, Mrs. Chanticleer.
Everything will be fine. Fine.

Call me whenever
you're depressed, Bernard.

I will, mother.

And remember my promise.

If you don't smoke
until you're 21

you'll get
a special no-smoking present.

- Bye.
- Say goodbye to Rover.

- He's brokenhearted.
- Goodbye, Dog.

Now, don't eat too much.
Don't stay out late.

Don't go to suspicious places
to play cards.

And stay away from girls.

But most of all, Bernard,
try to be happy.

[instrumental music]

[music continues]

[clucking]

[traffic bustling]

[train chugging]

"Niggers go home."

But where's home?

[instrumental music]

Home is where the heart is.

Yeah, but where are
their hearts?

My heart's in the highlands.

[bagpipe music]

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

[reel whirring]

[upbeat music]

[music continues]

[tapping]

[thudding]

[grunting]

[music continues]

[Bernard panting]

[sighs]

Gosh! Amy. Oh, you..

I don't usually come to places
like this. I mean, I just dro--

Don't be embarrassed
about being here, Bernard.

Not on my account.

I mean, I'm only too happy
to, to bump into you.

[panting]
I mean, really I.. I..

(Amy)
When you first came
to, um, the library

I thought
I saw you someplace before.

I mean, uh, I liked you.

Then I remembered
that I remembered you

someplace, so I went..

I knew I had seen your face
before, so I went home

and I looked
in the old school book

PS 109, and there you were.

- P.. Did you go to PS 109?
- Yes, so did you.

(Bernard)
Say, when? I went to PS 33.

Then I went to PS 78,
then I went-went to PS 109.

- I don't remember you. No.
- But-but I remember you.

(Amy)
I wanna tell you,
I remember you because you

one day
you came into our classroom

you had made a suit of armor
out of Reynolds aluminum wrap.

(Bernard)
Hey, I-I remember that,
I came into the classroom

like, I was all dressed up
in that thing looking..

I remember that. But I don't
remember you, though.

Did you see me
wearing that thing?

- Yes, you looked wonderful.
- Oh.

That was great. I remember.

- You looked great!
- Six rolls.

Of Reynolds aluminum..

(Amy)
I just remember
you were looking sweet.

(Bernard)
But wait a minute..
Were you..

(Amy)
I was in the back row I think.

- Who was the teacher?
- But you were far away.

(Bernard)
Remember I always used to wait
for my father

to take me
by the five-cent pretzel man.

Those pretzels are 15 cents now
and they aren't as good.

(Amy)
There wasn't any pretzel man
at PS 109.

That must have been PS 33.

(Bernard)
What difference does it make
where it was?

The pretzels are 15 cents now.

(Amy)
Oh.

Do you remember me from PS 109?

(Bernard)
No. I only remember
the pretzels.

[engine revving]

I'll see you.

Hey, Amy.

- Yeah?
- 'Hey, I do remember you.'

It was PS 109.
That wasn't PS 78.

I came into your class in
my Reynolds aluminum wrap on.

Hey, but, Amy,
you were so ugly..

...then.

[engine revving]

[instrumental music]

Hello, big boy.

Who? Me?

Who else?

I don't understand.

It wasn't meant
that we understand, Bernard

but that we see the bacteria
in the dust

in the rays of the dying sun,
and not ask questions.

What-what kind of questions?

Well, you take me
too literally, Bernard.

Now look, I'm a poet,
and I'm a little vague.

But that's the secret
of my success.

Well, what kind of success?

[chuckles]
With girls. Girls!

That's what's on your mind day
and night, isn't it, Bernard?

That's why you're late for work,
why you walk into walls

misfile your books. Girls.

Now look, some morning
when it's sunny and windy

we'll go out and fly kites

and I'll explain
all the mysteries away.

(Raef)
Oh, don't you think
it's very odd

that we should kneel
and pray to God

when by all accounts we might

send our problems up by kites?

You know, Bernard,
if you wanna grow up

'first thing you got to do
is learn how to smoke.'

Okay. Smoke what?

Ah. You learn fast. Come here.

- What is it?
- Cigarette, Bernard.

Looks pretty badly made to me.

Mm. Bernard.

Oh, uh, by the way,
I have a little

scented missive here for you.

[sniffs]
Mm. Signed AP. Guess what?

Associated Press.

[laughs]

Amy Partlett, Bernard.

Now look, you, uh

want to get past
that awkward stage, right?

You wanna grow up, right?

- I'm dying to grow up.
- Right.

(Raef)
Then you need a girl
who's, uh, willing.

I said loving.

Amy Partlett, Bernard.
She's interested in you.

'She says right there,
"Dear Bernard'

I had a wonderful time
last night talking to you. AP."

- Amy Partlett is not willing.
- Oh!

He said with horror on his face.

Bernard,
what do you think sex is?

- Shh! Raef.
- Sex, Bernard.

Sexy, sexual, sextet, sextant

sex-tenial, sexagenarian.

- Raef, that is immoral.
- So, still a virgin, huh?

Go on, you can tell old Raef.

- Yeah, I am.
- Uh-oh! Bernard, look..

[instrumental music]

[music continues]

[camera clicks]

[music continues]

[water splashes]

[horn honking]

[engine revving]

String broke.

No, no. I cut it.

- You did what?
- I cut the string, Bernard.

We had no right
to bring that thing down.

Anyway, I always do it that way.

But isn't that a waste?

My son, your way is a waste.

I'm very sorry you didn't
appreciate the ritual.

I did, really.

Look, you cut your hand
on the kite string.

- It's inevitable.
- Then..

Why don't you wear gloves?

Pain is part of it all.

- Of what?
- Freedom.

Look.

[birds chirping]

[instrumental music]

(Bernard)
'Raef'

do you see...her?

(Raef)
Oh, yeah. I see her.
I've seen her and seen her.

- 'Who is she?'
- Oh, she's an actress.

I, uh, I know a friend
who knows a friend

who knows a friend
who knows her.

What's her name?

(Raef)
'Darling. Barbara Darling.'

Aah, but come on, Bernard,
uh, AP is waiting for you.

AP? Who is AP?

Another problem.

[indistinct chatter]

[instrumental music]

¶ Well you never can tell
but you're looking so well ¶

¶ That I gotta stop and say
How do you do? ¶

¶ I know it's a long shot
but judging what she's got ¶

¶ I'm hoping
that my judgement's true ¶

¶ Hey girl beautiful girl ¶

¶ Can I look at your insides? ¶

¶ Girl wrapped up in fur ¶

¶ I'm just mad
for your outsides ¶

¶ Mm that's what
my inside says ¶

¶ If only I could walk up
and tell her ¶

¶ But it seems so far
from me to her ¶

¶ And the ground
is so unfamiliar ¶

I'm certainly glad
you brought me here tonight.

Yeah.
Terrific in here, isn't it?

I can't hear you.

Yeah.
Terrific in here, isn't it?

¶ I know that it's doubtful ¶

I didn't know you smoked.

¶ See me sometime ¶

Oh, yeah, all the time.

¶ Beautiful girl can I look ¶¶

Just my luck,
whenever I go anywhere

the lights always come up!

[men laughing]

[indistinct chatter]

Mine do.

Hey, Bernard, how come
you're sitting way over there?

That's not friendly.

I don't know.

Didn't you ever hear
the expression

"Like father, like son?"

[upbeat music]

[indistinct singing]

Barbara.

[music continues]

[singing continues]

Bernard?

Come on and dance with me,
Bernard.

I can't.

Come on. I'll show you how.

I-I can't dance.

Come on with me.

[music continues]

Me!

[scatting]

Me!

[scatting]

- I wanna go somewhere else.
- Okay.

[singing continues]

- Bernard, I like you.
- I like you, too, Amy.

I mean, really.

Why don't you show me
where you live?

I'd, I'd love to see
your new apartment.

Really, I would.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Why don't you take me there?

- Now?
- Come on. Now.

[singing continues]

[scatting]

¶ Whoo ¶

¶ Whoo ¶

[scatting]

[scatting]

(Amy)
You like my mouth?

(Bernard)
'Yeah.'

(Amy)
Okay.

[instrumental music]

You're funny.
You really are funny.

You don't know anything, do you?

About what?

About love.

About all the sweet things.

¶ Girl beautiful girl ¶

¶ Can I look at your inside? ¶

¶ Girl wrapped up in fur ¶

¶ I'm just mad
for your outsides ¶

¶ Girl beautiful girl ¶

¶ Can I look at your insides? ¶

¶ Girl ¶

¶ Girl ¶¶

[rooster clucks]

[Amy screams]

- Hold it! I got it!
- What is that?

- It's a rooster!
- I'm okay!

(Amy)
Help me! Help!

[Amy screams]

[clamoring]

[screaming]

[indistinct]

- I got it!
- Caught you with a girl.

Wait till your mother
hears about this.

Ow!

What's the nature
of this disturbance?

- Officer, help me.
- Everybody against the wall.

- Stop him!
- Quiet, everybody!

I'm going to call your mother
right now

and this call will count
as one of the three.

- Ms. Thing, no, don't!
- Ah!

[thuds]

[rooster clucking]

If she's dead, you'll burn.

[rooster clucking]

You do remember your mother,
don't you, Bernard?

Yes, dad.

(IH)
'Were you remembering
your mother'

when you attacked your landlady
last night?

Bernard, breaking
Ms. Thing's arm was one thing.

But did you have to bring
a girl up to your room?

I'm sorry.

I don't want you
to see that girl again.

Hey, get over there, big boy.

- Pay attention.
- To what?

You have disgraced us, Bernard.
You know that.

(Bernard)
I'm sorry I disgraced you.

But, hell, I'm not sorry
for liking girls.

I should tell your father
you're talking

that way in front of his wife.

- 'Umbrella!'
- But, mom..

I am no longer your mother.

[snaps fingers]
Umbrella!

Not after last night.

Why should I feel guilty
about liking girls?

My heartbeat goes up.
That's involuntary, isn't it?

I don't mind girls.
It is tramps that I object to.

You know she's a tramp,
I can tell by that

guilty expression
written all over your face.

You're right. Every time I look
at a girl, I feel guilty.

- Apologize to your mother.
- 'I'm sorry again.'

Margery.

You think maybe we've been too

tough on him,
we've cut him off completely?

Well, I didn't want him
to go live alone in the city.

It wasn't me.

Big boy,
I want you to understand that..

Margery, please.

...that one's mother
and one's father loved one..

Only too much.

- Let's FN. Family night.
- FN?

We'll, uh, meet you in the city
for dinner one night a week.

We'll take you out to a concert,
or maybe a play.

- How does that sound?
- But what about that girl?

All is forgiven this time,
Margery.

We'll put it in the darkroom,
we'll see what develops.

Hm.. Vamos.

[thinking]
FN.

Fried noodles.

Fish nougat.

Family nonsense.

Oh, aren't we having fun?

Ah! Oh..

Here we are, trapped.

Never spent a night
in a department store before..

Plenty of other places,
but never in a department store.

Hey, I oughta tell you
about my door-opener.

[indistinct]

Doctor's here, I would cry.

Waltzing into the living room.

Who called for the doctor?
I didn't call for the doctor.

Well, I'm hale and hearty still,
as you can see.

My doctor used to say to me,
you will live to be a 100!

- You?
- 'Me?'

- You?
- Yes, you.

- Me?
- A 100? Ha-ha..

- 'How old are you then?'
- I'm not saying.

- That's old.
- Oh!

- What? What's that?
- What?

Let's get on with it.
I wanna see him do it.

- 'Ah, do what?'
- 'What?'

This is built for him.

The one under the red,
white and blue dust cover.

[snaps fingers]

Dust, uh, cover.

[audience laughing]

[whistles]

It's quite significant when

nothing means
what it seems to mean

'and then you get an idea
of what a lot it means.'

Reality is expanded.

That's great, dad.

He can't reach.

Oh. It is filthy.
He's going to..

[indistinct whispering]

Oh, no..

I can't.

I can't!

[woman laughing]

You shut your eyes and kiss her.

[instrumental music]

(Bernard)
Dear Barbara Darling.

I'm only an ordinary assistant
in a library

without much to recommend me.

But I saw the
"Department Store" last night

and I haven't been able
to forget you.

I must admit
that I didn't understand

an awful lot of the play

but I thought
you were wonderful

and displayed enormous talent.

And the finest thing
that could ever happen to me

would be if I could meet you.

I doubt if you even bothered
to read this

but if you did,
you'd make me very happy.

Yours most sincerely,
Bernard Chanticleer.

¶ Girl beautiful girl ¶

¶ Can I.. ¶¶

¶ Well you never can tell
but you're looking so well ¶

(Richard)
'I can't!'

[woman laughing]

There, I'll show you.

¶ I know it's a long shot ¶

¶ But judging what she's got ¶

- You bitch!
- Go to hell.

You see how to do it?
You shut your eyes and kiss her.

[knocking on door]

Next time you pull a stunt
like that on stage

I'm gonna slug you
right in the mouth.

'My tongue
is actually bleeding.'

So is my heart.

Ah, you little bitch, say this--

Take a bath fast before you try
getting near me on stage.

Have that suit cleaned
and burnt.

Bitch, sadist!

[typewriter keys clacking]

Everybody's darling.

Story of a star
before she happens

as told to Richard Mudd

friend, confidant, author,
television personality.

Fifth edition, chapter one

in which we examine
what makes her tick. Youth.

[knocking on door]

- What is it?
- 'A letter for you.'

Slip it under the door,
and don't bother me.

(Barbara)
'Barbara is like'

'any other girl..'

Just more beautiful.

The other girls hate Barbara

because she's always
the prettiest.

All the boys
want to play with Barbara..

...even..

[instrumental music]

- Even..
- 'Even..'

Even Kurt Dougherty,
a 53-year-old

albino hypnotherapist
with a wooden leg.

Fifty-three-year-old
albino hypnotherapist?

With a wooden leg.

[music continues]

Friend of the family.

- Caught you?
- Yes.

Thought so.

[chuckles]

[typewriter keys clacking]

Parents send Barbara away

to Halibut Hills Girls School.

[typewriter keys clacking]

[eerie music]

[thunder rumbling]

[laughing]

[thunder rumbling]

[Barbara laughing]

[typewriter keys clacking]

[dramatic music]

[typewriter keys clacking]

[machine beeping]

[beeping]

[instrumental music]

Catch you?

Yes.

[typewriter keys clacking]

[instrumental music]

[typewriter keys clacking]

[typewriter keys clacking]

[music continues]

Ah, tell me now, what do you
think of Kurt Dougherty

after all those years?

I hate his guts

along with every other male
I've ever met.

Except for you, bunny.

[chuckles]

- You want to get some din-din?
- No.

I'm going home
to go straight to bed.

Okay.

Oh. Don't forget you letter.

- Ciao.
- Ciao.

(Bernard)
Dear Barbara Darling

I'm only an ordinary assistant
in a library.

But I saw the
"Department Store" last night

and I haven't been able
to forget you.

(Barbara)
Darling Bernard.

Well, what a sweet letter.

I, uh, was very deeply touched.

Why don't you come
to the theater

after the performance
one night?

The doorman will show you
where my dressing room is.

Of course,
I'm not always dressed there.

Ha-ha.

[chuckles]

Love..

...Barbara Darling.

[clock ticking]

[alarms ringing]

[clock ticking]

[clattering]

[glass shattering]

[music on music box]

[rooster crowing]

[instrumental music]

[exhales]
Hello, friend of my youth.

Hello, tongue.

Yuck!

[music continues]

[water sloshing]

[toothbrush whirring]

- You stink.
- I stink, therefore I am.

Good morning, Ms. Thing.
Are you feeling better?

- Your arm's okay?
- Yes. No, thank you.

Here's a letter
from your mother.

"Bernard love,
remember everything I told you.

Here's a lock of my hair
to remind you. Mom."

I always get hair
from my mother.

Once I went away to summer camp

she sent me enough
to stuff a mattress.

I thought she'd be bald
when I got home.

- I'm late for duty.
- Oh, don't forget your pistol.

Mm, kind of perfumey to me.

I don't know whether
I ought to give this to you

without clearing it
with your mother.

- Another letter for me?
- Mm.

[sniffs]
Smelling in the same perfume

you're soaked in.

This isn't perfume,
it's aftershave lotion.

I spilled half a bottle of it
on my shirt.

[sniffing]
It's the same perfume.

I haven't smelled it yet.

Lavender. Mm. Lovely lavender.

[door opens]

- I forgot my gun.
- Ah.

He's helpless without me.

Ms. Thing,
the privacy of the mail

is guaranteed by federal law.

Well, at least tell me
who the letter's from.

- BD. Guess who?
- Bad Democrats?

- Ha-ha..
- Excuse me.

Is this draft-card burner
giving you more trouble, ma'am?

Oh, no. It's alright, Francis.

Because I've had experience
with this kind of kid.

- No, thank you, Francis.
- I see these kids all day.

- They all take LSD.
- Bye. Have a nice day.

BD. Barbara Darling.

Barbara Darling?

Please, Ms. Thing.

[door opens]

- Cookie, Bernard?
- Thanks.

(Bernard)
Please, can I have my letter?

I think
we ought to have a talk.

I'll read
and give it right back.

You have no idea
what a pleasure it is

for a lonely old woman
to talk to you.

Even if it's only for a minute.

There, I did it, didn't I?

Did what?

Admitted I was lonely...and old.

Well, gosh, I'm lonely
and young. I'm always lonely.

- Even when I'm with people.
- 'Oh.'

Especially when I'm with people.

You're a sweet boy, Bernard.

And bright.

So I know you'll understand all
the advice I'm going to give.

Here's your letter.

[sighs]

Last week I was 19..

...today I'm 42.

Hm.

If I had an eggshell
for every day I've spent alone..

..I'd, I'd, um..

'You'd..'

I'd have a lot of eggshells.

[instrumental music]

(Thing)
'It was different
when I was your age.'

'Our parents were strict,
so was my brother Gus.'

'I was never allowed
to be alone with Bo.'

'Gus went everywhere.'

'Well,
it was part of a tradition'

'saving yourself for marriage.'

Oh!

'Here's me the next year'

'at Atlantic City.'

[Thing sighs]

Hm. Oh!

Here's me the next year
at Coney Island.

Gus died.

But his upbringing
remained a part of me.

So did his rooster.

[rooster clucking]

Oh, another cookie, Bernard?

No. No, thanks.
They were wonderful.

And your pictures
were very good, too.

I was wondering..

...who took them?

- Passing strangers.
- Oh.

You see, you forgot
all about your letter.

Yeah, I, I guess I did.
I mean, it's from a girl.

I-I guess I might as well
open it anyway, hm?

Barbara Darling.
Barbara Darling.

Barbara Darling.
Barbara Darling.

"Darling Bernard.

"My, what a sweet letter.
I was very deeply touched.

"Why don't you come
to the theater

"after the performance
one night?

"The doorman will show you
where my dressing room is

though I'm not always dre.."

- She's not always what?
- Uh..

- I'm not always...there.
- Oh.

"Love, Barbara."

Ms. Thing

I got a letter
from Barbara Darling.

- Oh. Oh..
- Oh. Oh..

[instrumental music]

¶ You know there's things
you never thought before ¶

¶ That have to do
with walkin' out old doors ¶

¶ You've been prepared
as long as time allowed ¶

¶ Well I don't know how ¶

¶ But you're a big boy now ¶
¶ You're a big boy now ¶

¶ Come on and take a bow ¶
¶ You're a big boy now ¶

¶ 'Cause you're a big boy now ¶

¶ You know the girls
are taking notice of you ¶

¶ They say
your hair is getting curly too ¶

¶ So shave today
you shave tomorrow as well ¶

¶ You're run by you
and not a class-room bell ¶

¶ And I don't know how ¶

¶ But you're a big boy now ¶
¶ You're a big boy now ¶

¶ And the great big world
daddy threw before you ¶

¶ With the pretty faces
and the claws that tore you ¶

¶ And it's all so different
when you get to sources ¶

¶ And love will make you strong
as a team of wild horses ¶

I got a letter from Barbara!

Barbara Darling,
she sent it to me!

¶ Things
you never thought before ¶

¶ That have to do
with walkin' out old doors ¶¶

[instrumental music]

¶ Girl beautiful girl ¶

¶ Girl wrapped up in fur ¶¶

(Barbara)
Darling Bernard,
well, what a sweet letter.

I'm not always dressed there.

[Barbara laughing]

Bernard, I wanna talk to you.

[intercom buzzing]

(IH on intercom)
'Put my son on.'

Sorry, but, you know,
it's your father again.

Yes, dad. I mean, IH.
I mean, father.

(IH)
'You're 75 minutes late,
Bernard.'

I'm very sorry, sir,
but I have an excuse.

- 'I'm listening.'
- Well..

A very lonely lady wanted

to talk to me
and show me her pictures

because she had nothing to show
for her life but eggshells.

(IH)
'What is that supposed to mean?'

Well, don't you see?

Eggshells are empty.

[receiver thuds]

Dad, are you still in there?

Pop?

Well, wire busted or a fuse blew
or a transistor transgressed.

Ah!

Uh, boy, you can use
your directional signal.

Here.

Have you talked to Amy?

I haven't talked to anybody yet.

I just got in.

[chuckles]
You devil!

What happened, huh?

What happened what?
Nothing happened.

You know what I mean, Bernard.
Come here.

- Try one.
- What for? What is it?

- It's an aspirin.
- I haven't got a headache.

Try it anyway. You'll like it.

Now, shall we welcome you
into the fraternity, hm?

What fraternity? It doesn't
taste like an aspirin to me.

Fraternity of man, Bernard.

Did you score
with Amy Partlett or not?

She was a sure thing.

Now, why do you say
a thing like that?

- She is a nice person.
- Who? Amy?

Well, don't be so sensitive,
Bernard.

You'd get a sunburn. Hm.

Have some more, uh, aspirin.

I mean, I don't happen to think
she's a sure thing.

I think she's a possible thing.

But everybody's possible.
I mean, girl, sooner or later.

Huh, boy,
you're a saint from heaven.

[chuckles]
Well, forget it.

I have to go back to work.
I'm in trouble today.

Yeah, well, you're in trouble
every day, lover boy.

Now, look, if you're not gonna
cooperate with me

you're not gonna get anywhere.

Maybe I don't wanna go
where you want me to get.

You don't wanna be like me,
a poet?

Maybe not.

Well, then you're never gonna
get to meet a girl

like, uh, say, uh,
Barbara Darling.

[laughs]
Barbara Darling?

You know, it's funny
you should mention her.

I got a letter from her
this morning.

She wants me to drop by
at her dressing room tonight

and kill some time.
You know how it is.

[laughs]

What kind of aspirins
are these anyway?

[instrumental music]

[indistinct chatter]

(Richard)
'Hey, if you don't mind..'

[indistinct chatter]

Hey, old buddy,
if you don't mind..

Ow!

You were standing on my foot.

Excuse me?

[indistinct chatter]

[instrumental music]

Come here.

[indistinct chatter]

Who are you?

Yeah. Who am I?

I'm Bernard Chanticleer,
Ms. Darling.

- Good evening.
- Well, thank you.

Happy New Year to you, too.

You were the one who sent
that letter full of sugar to me?

Yes, I..

[sneezes]

[music continues]

Bless you.

Come on in, sugar.

'Close the door.'

Sure.

[door shuts]

You like those coffin nails
too much.

You better watch out.

Better not cough.

Take off your jacket.

Relax.

Would you like a drink?

- Coffee?
- Coffee?

Nope, no, a drink.

Maybe better coffee.

I mean, a drink of coffee.

I know what's wrong with you.

You would like a glass of milk.

But you're afraid to ask for it

because Barbara will think
you're a little boy.

But it's alright.

You can ask Barbara
for a glass of milk

and, and she'll bring it to you.

Come on.

Ask Barbara for a glass of milk.

Say I want a glass of milk.

I want a glass of milk.

[chuckles]
You see?

See how easy, sunshine, hm?

Now, the Easter Bunny
will pour you

a little glass of milk.

It will be warm and nice..

...and you know what.

I don't know what.

- What? What did you say, hon?
- Nothing.

Just agreeing. I always agree.

[clattering]

[thuds]

What the hell are you doing,
snooping around?

You know,
I only invited you here

out of the goodness of my heart!

Damn it,
what are you, a conch?

I wasn't snooping. I was just..
I don't know, it just happened.

- Don't talk back to me.
- I'm sorry.

It's alright.

Sweetheart..

'...here's your milk.'

'Come sit with me
and, and we'll talk.'

- No.
- Why not?

I'm pinned to the floor.

Bernard! My goodness!

I didn't realize
you were pinned to the floor.

You poor..

There.

Is that better?

Oh, uh, yes, honey.
I'll take that.

Look, maybe I better
get out of here.

I mean, I know you weren't
expecting anybody like me.

- 'And I'd rather--'
- You're perfect.

Me?

Absolutely hunky dory, perfect.

You're just what I need
in my life.

Now open your mouth..

...and drink your milk.

Drink.

One, two, unbutton the shoe.

Three, four, open more.

Oh, Bernard, I've been
very worried about you.

You know, you-you haven't been
at all well tonight.

Now, darling,
I don't want you to be tense

or feel confined or..

...or cramped or..

...or anything.

[mumbles]

Oh, gosh! Barb..

[glass shatters]

You're a little klutzy,
aren't you?

- Difficult age.
- Excuse me.

Uh, sorry.

Never mind, hon.

Mama taught me everything.

Everything mama knew.

Oh, sweetheart,
now you've got your pants in it.

Take them off,
and I'll fix them for you.

It's probably the only pair
you've got.

I'll be back.

[instrumental music]

¶ Come ¶

¶ And talk of all the things
we did today ¶

¶ Here ¶

¶ And laugh about
our funny little ways ¶

¶ While we have a few minutes
to breathe ¶

¶ Then I know
that it's time you must leave ¶

¶ But darling be home soon ¶

¶ I couldn't bear to wait
an extra minute if you dawdled ¶

¶ My darling be home soon ¶

¶ It's not just
these few hours ¶

¶ But I've been waiting
since I toddled ¶

¶ For the great relief
of having you to talk to ¶

¶ And now ¶

¶ A quarter of my life
is almost past ¶

¶ I think I've come
to see myself at last ¶

¶ And I see
that the time spent confused ¶

¶ Was the time
that I spent without you ¶

¶ And I feel myself in bloom ¶

¶ So darling be home soon ¶

¶ I couldn't bear to wait
an extra minute if you dawdled ¶

¶ My darling be home soon ¶

¶ It's not just
these few hours ¶

¶ But I've been waiting
since I toddled ¶

¶ For the great relief
of having you to talk to ¶

[instrumental music]

¶ So darling ¶

¶ My darling be home soon ¶

¶ I couldn't bear to wait
an extra minute if you dawdled ¶

¶ My darling be home soon ¶

¶ It's not just
these few hours ¶

¶ But I've been waiting
since I toddled ¶

¶ For the great relief
of having you to talk to ¶

¶ Go ¶

¶ And beat your crazy head
against the sky ¶

¶ Try ¶

¶ And see beyond the houses
and your eyes ¶

¶ It's okay to shoot the moon ¶

- What's that?
- Oh, sugar baby.

Easter Bunny's got
a wild headache.

[Barbara sighs]

You don't mind.

We'll sleep.

I'll make it up to you
in the morning.

Okay? Pup.

¶ It's not just
these few hours ¶

¶ But I've been waiting
since I toddled for the great ¶¶

Well, what about
the record player?

Turns off all by itself.

[Barbara scatting]

Bernie baby, don't be sad.

Barbara knows
you tried your best.

But your spirit
was really not positive.

Bye-bye.

[instrumental music]

[typewriter keys clacking]

Del Grado.

Yes, IH?

I need someone to help me in
the vault.

Uh, is Amy Partlett here?

Uh, haven't seen her
all morning, IH.

She do?

No, I'll manage.

[instrumental music]

IH?

[knocking on door]

Yes?

There's a Ms. Thing here
to see you.

- Reference to what?
- Bernard. What else?

Ah, I, uh,
I am Bernard's landlady.

Oh, yes, Ms. Thing with the arm.

Ah, would you get my son,
Del Grado? Yes.

Mr. Chanticleer,
there's something

I think you should know.

- I'm listening.
- Hm!

So is the world. Hm!

- Mr. Chanticleer, last night--
- Oh..

[door shuts]

You shouldn't have done that,
Ms. Thing. This is a time vault.

Well, be that as it may,
I want you to know

that I run a respectable
apartment building.

Well, I run a respectable son.

- Ha!
- What does that mean?

Last night
Bernard left all spruced up

after supper. Then it began.

[whistling]

Hey. Where you've been,
lover boy?

You've been up all night,
haven't you?

I know, I recognize the sign.

Bloodshot, black rings

worn out, bad posture.

No doubt about it.
Bernard's growing up after all.

If I had a boy,
and if he got calls

from a girl every 15 minutes

and he never came home at all,
out all night

didn't even come back in
the morning to brush his teeth

ha, I suggest
that he spent the night.. Ah!

- What?
- The Lord save me.

- What is it?
- Oh, that filthy thing. Oh..

Oh, yes,
one of the finest examples

of incunabulum collections.
Very rare.

I'll thank you to keep
your incunabula to yourself.

[gasps]
Oh, my God!

- Your father wants to see you.
- Thanks for telling me.

- You know, I know your trouble.
- You do?

[inhales]

- Take a whiff.
- What for?

It'll clear up your sinus.

- Take you on a trip.
- I've been on it.

Sure, but you're not
enjoying it, are you?

- Enjoy what?
- Anything.

You don't put your soul into it,
Bernard.

Now, for God's sake,
if you wanna be sinful, fine.

If you wanna have a mistress,
fine. But enjoy it.

Bye, lover boy.

Open this door immediately.

[chuckles]
Yes, but, uh,
the door won't open.

Not for another
three-and-a-half minutes.

- Now..
- Oh, trapped.

Trapped in the pornography
collection of a fiend.

We have every reason to believe
that this door will open

in three minutes,
five seconds now.

Oh..

[banging]

Hey, will somebody
shut this thing off, please?

Hey, the milk machine.

Bernard, I have to talk to you.

Hi, Amy.

- Where have you been?
- Oh, I've been out.

I tried to call you all
last night, every 15 minutes.

Some old lady
kept calling me terrible names.

Just keep your incunabula
and stay where you are.

Please, calm yourself.
I assure you, my intentions--

Intentions?
I know about intentions.

My brother told me all about men
and their intentions.

Bernard, you're not even
listening to me.

I'm listening. I'm just having
a little trouble.

You like milk?

Bernard,
come and sit down with me.

- You can tell me here.
- Okay, listen.

Your father made a pass at me.

Stop or I'll kill you,
I swear it!

Oh! Ms. Thing, please.

That's "Ovid's Ars Amores."

[screams]

[gasps]

It was terrible!

- My poor mother.
- Poor me!

(Bernard)
'Calm down, Amy.'

Hey, will somebody
shut this thing off? Please!

Bernard, don't you care
about me at all?

I care!

Let's get out of here.

Three, two, one. Whammo!

[door opens]

[IH screams]

You degenerate!
You maniac. Mani..

[screams]

Father?

Ah..

That will be all, Del Grado.

Well, where were you last night?

- Out.
- Don't play games with me.

Big boy, where were you?

I remember when you found
the Gutenberg Bible

for the library.

I saved the newspaper article.

What are you talking about,
Bernard?

I thought that was terrific.

(IH)
'Bernard!'

Bernard, come back here!

[upbeat music]

Barbara.

Phone booth? You spend your time
in phone booths?

No, I didn't wanna go in.

[indistinct singing]

Why do you have to work there?

Everybody looks up your dress.
Don't you feel guilty?

Look, Bernie baby,
I haven't known you too long

but it seems to me that you're
getting to be a regular noodge.

Remember when you wrote
that sweet letter to me?

I thought you'd be a person
that would be fun to be with.

[singing continues]

There.

There, never mind.

Barbara's here
and-and she won't be cruel.

Hm?

Better?

Better.

Tell you what, sunshine?

You go to your little room
and get all your things

and bring them back to my place.

Your place?

You're gonna stay with me
from now on.

How would that be? Huh?

You mean it?

Oh, Bernard, you know I mean it.

[singing continues]

[clattering]

[door shuts]

"And good riddance.
Ms. Nora Thing."

"Bernard..
Love, mother."

[rooster clucking]

[instrumental music]

Barbara, I'm here.

(Barbara)
'Bernie, put your things away.'

'I've-I've made room
in the medicine cabinet.'

'I'll be out in a second.'

[mumbles]

I'm here.

- What's this?
- My mother.

No.

What's this? Hair?
You collect hair?

No. She sends it to me
in letters.

Who are you anyhow?

But, Barbara, you said..

Just get this junk
the hell out of here.

What do you think you're doing?
Moving in?

I don't need a klutz like you
moving in here for.

You dumb cunt.

Now, I don't wanna see you
hanging around

or bothering me,
following me around places.

You understand?

And take your hair
and get out of my life.

[door shuts]

(Barbara)
'Bernard?'

'Bernard, sweet cookie.'

'You're all Barbara has
in this cold, cold world.'

'Barbara needs you.'

Baby, don't leave me now.

Sweetheart, come up here.

It's going to be
a cold night tonight

and your baby needs you,
honeycomb.

I need you, baby.

I need you to come up here
and stay with me.

Come up here!

Just come up here right now!

[instrumental music]

[Barbara scatting]

Bernie-comb.

What are you doing?

Honey?
Honey, you're not to blame.

After all,
you, you're very young

and-and you can't be expected
to just rush into things.

I mean, well,
in time, anything can happen.

Well..

You might meet
some sweet-natured girl.

Sweet-natured and patient girl.

And you'd make her as happy

as happy as a sweet-natured,
patient girl could expect to be.

I mean, I don't think
it's anything serious.

Although,
maybe you ought to see a doctor.

Barbara..

...would you..

Would you marry me?

- Are you serious?
- Yes.

Marriage is not just
the meeting of two minds.

It's much more, really.

I mean,
do you think that you are

or ever would be ready?

I, I--

Will to have sex?

What's wrong with me?

[sobbing]

Nothing that a firing squad
couldn't fix.

[knocking on door]

Won't you try to take
a little alphabet soup, ma'am?

It's nice and hot.

[knocking on door]

Just tell me what happened.
Who did it to ya?

[gasps]
Oh, oh, oh.

[knocking on door]

Oh..

[knocking on door]

Oh, excuse me.

Uh, isn't this
Ms. Thing's building?

- Yeah, this is her room here.
- Oh!

But you can't see no one
on account of she's hysterical.

(Thing)
'Tell them to go away,
whoever they are.'

- 'Who are they?'
- Oh, it's Margery Chanticleer.

And I came to get my boy.

(Thing)
'Oh, that poor woman.
Let her come in.'

Please give Bernard back to me
immediately.

I gave Bernard back to you
yesterday.

Francis put all his things
in the hallway

and he took them with him.

Dog!

Dog, you're what I need.

[instrumental music]

[dog barking]

Well, why didn't you call me
when he stayed out all night?

[sighs]
I thought it was something

Mr. Chanticleer ought
to know about, and he..

Oh, you poor woman. Oh..

[sobbing]

(Thing)
'Oh! Oh!'

She's been like this
ever since yesterday.

- 'Oh..'
- Hysterical!

I want to know where my son is.
I must know where he is.

Then you should
ask the little tramp

he's been spending
his nights with.

Oh..

[instrumental music]

- Bernard?
- Who is she?

Do you remember her name?

What did she look like?
Was she pretty?

She was older than him,
wasn't she?

She called that night
he stayed out every 15 minutes.

She gave me her name and number.

I wrote it on the wall
by the phone.

I'll show you.

Francis.

"Police department,
fire department

uh, vice squad."

Uh, oh, here it is!

"A-X-4-9-9-5-0.

Amy Partlett."

[Amy screaming]

[rooster clucking]

- Who are you?
- Me? I'm nobody.

Where is my son?
Give Bernard back to me.

- I don't know where Bernard is.
- She's lying.

- Are you lying, miss?
- Honest, officer.

I don't know a thing. I was just
looking for Bernard myself.

Oh, come now.

You're not the sort of girl
you'd call ignorant.

Why, you're the girl who works
in my husband's office.

- Heh-heh. Figures.
- Gee, Mrs. Chanticleer.

I'm really worried
about Bernard.

I don't you know
whether I'm coming or going.

Going, if I have anything
to say about it.

I am going to talk to my husband
immediately, Ms. Partlett.

- About you!
- Me?

Uh..

[instrumental music]

[door shuts]

[sighs]
Well,
if you're composed now, ma'am

I'll be gettin' down
to the precinct.

- Francis--
- I don't feel too good..

About leaving you alone.

I mean, if there was a violation
of some sort

committed against your person

the best thing
would be to relate it

to your nearest police officer.

Which is me.

[chuckling]
Which is you.

Besides, I've got a..

...personal interest.

Do you, Francis?

[instrumental music]

I better go.

Gonna be late
getting back to dirty..

Oh, duty.

Francis.

[chuckles]

If, uh, if I told you

that at my age

a man still found me attractive

uh, what would you think?

Well, I think you're..

Yes, attractive. Sure!

Well, uh, more than attractive.

Uh...desirable?

Desirable enough that a, a man

with position and family

would throw it
all out the window

just because I was, um..

...so desirable.

Well, I can appreciate that,
ma'am.

I can remember
telling your late brother

"Your sister," I said,
"your sister--"

To hell with my brother.

Just tell me
what you as a policeman

think of me as a woman.

[instrumental music]

[screams]

[screams]
Rover has been stolen!

Oh, my God! My God!

Rover has been stolen!

I've looked at her as an ideal,
too good to touch.

That's been my problem.

But she is only a woman.

And I'm a man.
I've got to keep that in mind.

First thing is that
I need a key.

I need a key, I'll tell her.

- I need a key--
- Oh, I, come on in, lover boy.

What are you doing here?

I came to get you,
at your father's request.

What would you like to drink,
Bernard?

You drink, uh, milk, right?

- Milk.
- Where's Barbara?

Well, Barbara isn't exactly
in a position

to receive guests right now.

Barbara!

[knocking]

Barbsy baby!

(Barbara)
'Hm?'

Bernie-combs is here to see you.

Bernard, how are you?

Oh, you and Raef
are good friends.

I-I didn't know that.

Barbsy and I
are now good friends.

[chuckles]
Yes.

I'll get my things.

[indistinct chatter]

Bernard's upset!

Poor Bernard!
Cry little, Bernard.

Bernard, why are you
gettin' so..

Don't forget mother's hair.

[dog barking]

Bernard.

I won't be needing this now.

I thought you'd like it
as a souvenir.

I don't want it.

I'm not gonna leave here
screaming and furious

because I think you'd like that.

That's why you wanted me here
in the first place.

I'm gonna leave here calmly

wishing the two of you
great luck

because of the millions
of people you could have found

you found each other.

'And you deserve each other.'

Bye.

Come, Dog.

Dog!

[whimpers]

Humphrey, Humphrey

will you please tell her
that she's fired?

- I've heard enough from her.
- Yes, dear.

I told Mrs. Chanticleer that I
was just looking for him myself.

[chuckling]

Really, I think you ought
to call the police stations

and the hospitals.

What are you talking about?

He's not in a hospital.

Humphrey, please,
tell her that she is fired.

She's just making
a suggestion, dear.

Oh, we don't need
her suggestion.

- You are fired!
- Why? I didn't do anything.

[sobbing]

You have the nerve to fire me?

Ah, don't say anything rash.

Just remain quiet, calm

and carefully consider
that if you were to resign

that it might be possible
to find you a better job.

Oh, Bernard!

- Bernard--
- No, don't grab me.

- Bernard, are you alright?
- Yes, I am, thank you.

But I haven't much time.

Daddy, mummy..

- I'm leaving.
- Leaving?

What are you talking about?

- Where are you going, big boy?
- Well..

I'm not sure yet.

But I'm leaving today.

Where I go
will be my own choice.

Oh! Well, we could all
spend a week on Cape Cod.

Come on, my little baby.

Look, we can forget
all our troubles

in the sea, in the sky.

Just daddy and mommy

and my baby.

You'll love Cape Cod.

We'll go swimming every day--

I hate Cape Cod!

I don't wanna go anywhere
with you.

I wanna get away from you.

- I'll take Dog.
- Well, Rover is gone forever.

- Someone stole him!
- His name is Dog!

D-O-G, Dog!

He's my dog and that's what
I chose to name him. Dog!

I could have named him
Rover or Spot

or Fighter or anything,
but I didn't. I named him Dog!

Excuse me, IH, but I just found
Bernard's dog, Rover.

And where have you been
all this morning, Del Grado?

- You're fired!
- Dog!

[barking]

Bernard!

You left some of your things
at my place.

What were his things
doing in your place?

Well, uh, he spent
a few nights there with me.

You're Bernard's mother.

I recognize you from your hair.

You..

You slut!

Please, would you mind
apologizing to my wife-to-be?

- Are you Chanticleer?
- No, please, please.

- You're gonna marry her?
- Let go of my husband!

You degenerate! And to think
you're also a public servant.

True marriage of mind and body.

- Let go of him!
- Alright, Francis.

Let him go! I told you I got out
before he could attack me.

Oh.. Oh-oh!

[sobbing]

Margery, your lint is settling

on the Gutenberg Bible.

To hell
with your Gutenberg Bible.

- I hate your Gutenberg Bible!
- Oh, Bernard!

No! Bernard, no!
Someone stop him!

Del Grado, you're hired!
Stop him!

Right! Hey, you, stop!

[band music]

[dog barking]

Bernard!

[dog barking]

Big boy!

Bring back my Bible, big boy!

[band music]

Bernie! Bernie-comb!

[crowd cheering]

Rover, come on!

[dog barking]

[instrumental music]

(man on PA)
'Good afternoon, shoppers,
we are indeed having some..'

[indistinct announcement on PA]

'Please be sure..'

[indistinct announcement on PA]

[dog barking]

Come on! Rover!

[indistinct announcement on PA]

(woman on PA)
'...on the fourth floor'

'and men's department
on the fifth floor.'

[music continues]

Ah!

Rover, I order you.

[dog barks]

[groans]

[growling]

[humming]

[scatting]

[giggles]

Barbara is famous now!

Who is this
darling Barbara Darling

who hit a rare-book thief over
the head with a mannequin leg

and saved the Gutenberg Bible
for the city of New York?

And who's this Raef del Grado
poet she's gonna marry?

That's right.

Who are you?

Me? I'm Raef.
You love me, remember?

Barbara Darling,
the lovely young actress.

- Hey, me--
- Whose autobiography..

Me, Barbara, what about me?

Get lost.

[water dripping]

[keys jingling]

- Out you go.
- Why?

You're out in custody.
Your bail's been paid.

I've been in the custody
of my parents

for almost 20 years now.

And they have taught me
nothing but self-doubt

frustration
and perpetual guilt.

I'm gonna be in my own custody
from now on.

I won't go!

A nice-looking girl paid it.

I'll go.

[instrumental music]

Hello, Bernard.

Hello.

Disappointed it's me
and not her, aren't you?

No.

If you say so.

Where'd you get the money?

She made a fool out of you

and you still wish
she was here instead of me?

I'm just surprised it was you.

I was sure she'd come back
to see what a mess I am.

Please don't call yourself
a mess.

You don't know
how much it hurts me

when you call yourself a mess.

[music continues]

I have something for you,
Bernard.

What is it?

Found this place where they sell

fries and pretzels.

[The Lovin' Spoonful singing
"You're A Big Boy Now"]

¶ Come on and take a bow ¶

¶ 'Cause you're a big boy now ¶

¶ And the great big world ¶

¶ Daddy threw before you ¶

¶ With the pretty faces ¶

¶ And the claws that tore you ¶

¶ And it's all so different
when you get to sources ¶

¶ And love
will make you strong ¶

¶ As a team of wild horses ¶

[music continues]

¶ I know there's things
you never thought before ¶

¶ That have to do
with walkin' out old doors ¶

¶ You've been prepared
as long as time allowed ¶

¶ Well I don't know how
but you're a big boy now ¶

¶ You're a big boy now ¶

¶ Come on and take a bow ¶

¶ 'Cause you're a big boy now ¶
¶ You're a big boy now ¶

¶ Come on and take a bow ¶

[music continues]

[dog barking]

¶ You're a big boy now ¶

¶ Come on and take a bow ¶

¶ You're a big boy now ¶
¶ You're a big boy now ¶

¶ You're a big boy now ¶

¶ Well I don't know how ¶
¶ You're a big boy now ¶

¶ But you're a big boy now ¶
¶ You're a big boy now ¶

¶ Come on and take a bow ¶
¶ You're a big boy now ¶

¶ You're a big boy now ¶
¶ You're a big boy now ¶

¶ You're a big boy now ¶

¶ You're a big boy now ¶

¶ You're a big boy now ¶

¶ You're a big boy now ¶¶