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[music playing]
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NARRATOR: The Dick Van Dyke Show.
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Starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey
Amsterdam, Larry Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.
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What do you think, Mel, huh?
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Oh, this toupee seems to have
less hair in it than the old one.
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I ordered it that way.
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I want to grow bald gracefully, not like you.
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Uh, uh, Alan?
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What is it? What is it?
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What is it?
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You, uh, you want my old toupee?
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Take it.
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[knocking]
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Come in.
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Hi, Alan, Mel.
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Rob.
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Hey, Alan. New toupee, huh?
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Yeah.
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Hey, it's very natural.
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You can't tell a thing.
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Thank you.
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What did you want see me about?
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Oh, I wanted to see you about this.
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Oh, my "Project Greatness" script.
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I'm glad they sent that to you.
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Yeah.
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Why did they send it to me, and what is "Project Greatness?"
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Well, you know, it's on every Sunday, 5:30.
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Oh, that culture show where the host wears a vest.
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He stands there and says,
good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.
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We're now going to make you smart.
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And bored.
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Yeah, it's a very stimulating program.
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Shut up, Mel.
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Yes, sir.
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It's only a local show, Alan,
but they're doing wonderful things.
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And you suggested that I appear on this program?
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Well, I wrote it for them, Al, and they asked
me for the greatest comedy mind in the country.
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Yes, and that, of course, is you, Alan.
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Mel, let him slice his own baloney, huh?
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I think it would be great for you, Al.
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Are you kidding?
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What's that word on the first page there?
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Which is that?
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Metamorphosis?
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Yeah.
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You want me to do a show that has words like that on it?
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Well, that's not a dirty word, Alan.
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I know that, [inaudible].
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But that's a clue.
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ROB: A, a clue to what?
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That it isn't going to be funny.
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Oh, it's not supposed to be funny.
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It's not supposed to be funny.
55
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Oh, no.
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This is-- this is an analytical
exploration of comedy and of comedians.
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You've got to be crazy.
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If I went on a turkey like that, they'd run
me out of Lyndy's tied to a stale salami.
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Oh, Al-- ALAN: Shut up.
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I'm sorry.
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Who said, who said?
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Oh, well, that was your shut up, Mel.
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Uh, see these?
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Fan letters.
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100 every week, telling me they love me.
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Alan, if you do that script,
I'll guarantee you great letters.
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Even if you have to write them yourself.
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No, Alan, I,
I think-- Sure you think.
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You sit up there in your ivory tower
with your books and your diplomas
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and you think you're smarter than me.
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No, I never said that.
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Sure you do, and so does Danny Dartmouth here.
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- No, Princeton. - What's the difference?
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And shut up.
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Mel, I'm thirsty.
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Oh, you want a drink, Alan?
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No, a glass of dust.
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Al, I, I thought it would be great for you.
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I think it would be too, Alan.
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You thought it would be great for me?
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Yes.
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Nobody asked you, you know, [inaudible]..
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So you thought it would be great for me, huh?
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Well, you guys know why I'm number one?
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Because I know what would be great for me.
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You think all this came easy?
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20 years of playing every little crummy joint in the country.
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Where were you then, Rob?
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Well I,
I was only-- Sure you were.
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You don't like pies in the face, do you, Rob?
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I spent half of my life picking meringue out of
my nose and shaking the seltzer out of my ears
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because I knew what they wanted.
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One little squirt, Rob? See how much fun it is?
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Right around the nose? - No, thanks.
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No thanks.
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And you think that script would be good for me?
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Yes, I do, Al, and I'll tell you why.
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Because what you just said, I wrote in that script.
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What?
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Well, the words aren't exactly the same,
but I call it the heart of a clown,
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and it states how hard it is to be one.
102
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You're darn right it is.
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Alan, you don't have to prove
anything about being a great comedian.
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You, you are.
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You say you, uh, you wrote what I said in there?
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Yeah.
107
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Look, Alan, before you turn it
down, will you at least read it?
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I think you should-- I think
you should-- I'll shut up.
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All right, all right.
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I'll read it, no matter what Alice Amber says.
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Here, hold this.
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I'll read it.
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And if you like it?
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Well, I'm positive I won't like it, Rob.
115
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Well, um, if you don't hate it?
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If I don't hate it, I'll do it.
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But just as a favor to you, Rob.
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But you know this word here, metamorphosis?
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Alan, I could take it out.
120
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No, no, no, it stays, because metamorphosis means change.
121
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And if I do this show and end up in the garbage can,
there's going to be a big metamorphosis around here.
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Alan, you won't wind up in the garbage can.
123
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Shut up, Mel. You'll be the first one to go.
124
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Well?
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Look, Rob, it's a beautiful piece of writing.
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It really is.
127
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But you know Alan.
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If he doesn't get a laugh every 10 seconds, he
calls the cops and has the audience arrested.
129
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The thing is, everybody knows that Alan is a great comedian.
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I thought this would give him a
chance to be something different.
131
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Sure, a flop.
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All, right, suppose he goes on this show, suppose it flops.
133
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Now, what's the worst thing that could happen to me?
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You could get fired.
135
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There's a lot worse things than being fired.
136
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Name one.
137
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How about getting popcorn in your teeth?
138
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I think the worst thing that would happen,
Alan would be angry and he probably would
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lose confidence in my ability.
140
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Or?
141
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Or he might fire me.
142
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Right.
143
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But look, suppose the show's a big success.
144
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Who do you think's going to get all the credit?
145
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Alan Lister Brady.
146
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You said it.
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He'll be taking bows so fast,
people will think he backed into a spear.
148
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Yeah, I'm afraid you're right.
149
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Fellows, I think it's obvious that
I have done a dumb, dumb thing.
150
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I don't think I'm very smart.
151
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Well, you're smart enough to know you're stupid.
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Rob, we made a mistake.
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I just left Alan.
154
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Why don't you just leave town?
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And I don't think he liked the script.
156
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Oh, really?
157
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What did he say?
158
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Well, nothing intelligible, but he
was squirting seltzer on every page.
159
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Oh, that's great, Rob.
160
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That lets you off the hook.
161
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Oh, boy.
162
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You, uh-- we're better off, Rob.
163
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Now, in the future, we should never try to
talk him into something he doesn't want to do.
164
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Never, never, never.
165
00:06:01,194 --> 00:06:02,987
Hey, you know something?
166
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Mel is so bald, the other day in a supermarket, a lady
started squeezing his head to see if it was ripe.
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What's that got to do with this?
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Well, nothing.
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My mind wandered.
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Deranged.
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Totally deranged.
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[phone ringing]
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I'll get it.
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I'll get it.
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Hello?
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Oh, yeah.
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Just a second, Alan.
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I, uh, think you're about to be rejected.
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How can you tell?
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He asked to speak to Professor Petrie.
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Oh, boy.
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Oh, boy.
183
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Tally-ho.
184
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Hi, Alan.
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Rob, about your script.
186
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You don't like it?
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Oh, I like it.
188
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It's just not my style.
189
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Why don't you give Albert Schweitzer a call?
190
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Alan, I gather you don't want to do the show, huh?
191
00:06:48,824 --> 00:06:49,909
Oh, nothing personal, Rob.
192
00:06:49,951 --> 00:06:51,452
ROB (ON PHONE): Oh, no, no.
193
00:06:51,494 --> 00:06:54,080
I just think I'll stick to what I know is right for me.
194
00:06:54,080 --> 00:06:55,122
Oh, sure, Alan.
195
00:06:55,164 --> 00:06:56,582
You see, you just weren't right for it.
196
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If you didn't think I was right for it in the
first place, why did you show me the script?
197
00:06:59,502 --> 00:07:02,630
Well, no, in the first place,
I thought you were right for it.
198
00:07:02,672 --> 00:07:03,881
ALAN (ON PHONE): But you changed your mind?
199
00:07:03,881 --> 00:07:04,841
No, no.
200
00:07:04,841 --> 00:07:06,175
I, I still think you're right for it.
201
00:07:06,175 --> 00:07:07,635
ALAN (ON PHONE): But you don't want me to do it?
202
00:07:07,677 --> 00:07:08,928
Well, look, Alan, let's put it this way.
203
00:07:08,928 --> 00:07:12,849
I, I, uh, I want you to do it,
but it's-- I don't want to force you.
204
00:07:12,849 --> 00:07:15,476
Rob, nobody forces Alan Brady to do anything.
205
00:07:15,518 --> 00:07:16,435
That's right, Alan.
206
00:07:16,435 --> 00:07:17,603
I wouldn't force you.
207
00:07:17,645 --> 00:07:18,938
We'll get somebody else, that's all.
208
00:07:18,980 --> 00:07:19,897
Goodbye.
209
00:07:19,897 --> 00:07:21,357
Rob, you son of a gun, you did it.
210
00:07:21,357 --> 00:07:23,693
You really know how to use the psychology, don't you?
211
00:07:26,988 --> 00:07:27,947
Uh-huh?
212
00:07:27,989 --> 00:07:28,656
You win.
213
00:07:28,698 --> 00:07:30,283
I accept your challenge.
214
00:07:30,324 --> 00:07:31,826
[gibbering]
215
00:07:33,244 --> 00:07:35,288
You don't say.
216
00:07:35,288 --> 00:07:38,416
Listen, Rob, are you trying to say
there's something upsetting you here?
217
00:07:38,416 --> 00:07:39,625
No, no, no.
218
00:07:39,667 --> 00:07:41,002
No, sir, I'm thrilled, Al.
219
00:07:41,043 --> 00:07:44,922
I'm helply-- I'm, I'm, uh, speechless.
220
00:07:44,922 --> 00:07:48,134
After I do the show, Rob, you could be jobless too.
221
00:07:48,176 --> 00:07:49,093
So long.
222
00:07:49,093 --> 00:07:49,969
Alan?
223
00:07:50,011 --> 00:07:51,888
A-Alan?
224
00:07:51,888 --> 00:07:56,642
Well, Mr. Do-It-Yourself, you did it yourself.
225
00:07:56,642 --> 00:07:58,269
I did this once before, you know.
226
00:07:58,269 --> 00:08:01,814
In our first apartment, I painted myself into a corner.
227
00:08:01,856 --> 00:08:03,399
Missed Christmas.
228
00:08:07,486 --> 00:08:08,487
Gin?
229
00:08:08,487 --> 00:08:09,864
No, quits.
230
00:08:09,906 --> 00:08:13,784
Oh, good you would have caught me with 74 points.
231
00:08:13,784 --> 00:08:16,954
I'm sorry, Millie,
but I'm just too nervous to concentrate.
232
00:08:16,954 --> 00:08:18,164
Yeah, what's the matter with you?
233
00:08:18,206 --> 00:08:20,291
You'd think it was Rob's first TV show.
234
00:08:20,291 --> 00:08:21,667
No, this is different, Millie.
235
00:08:21,667 --> 00:08:25,421
All week long it's been a kind of
a contest between Alan and Rob.
236
00:08:25,421 --> 00:08:26,339
You want some coffee?
237
00:08:26,339 --> 00:08:27,423
OK.
238
00:08:29,425 --> 00:08:31,093
What kind of a contest?
239
00:08:31,093 --> 00:08:34,096
I thought Alan was doing the show
just the way Rob wanted him to?
240
00:08:34,096 --> 00:08:38,601
Yeah, he is, except that Rob thinks that Alan's
doing it almost to prove that Rob is wrong.
241
00:08:38,601 --> 00:08:40,144
Well, that's crazy.
242
00:08:40,144 --> 00:08:43,689
Insanity was never one of Alan's main character features.
243
00:08:43,731 --> 00:08:45,024
Listen, stop worrying.
244
00:08:45,066 --> 00:08:47,193
The critics love those deep, brainy programs.
245
00:08:47,235 --> 00:08:51,948
Yeah, but all Alan needs is a couple of bad letters
from his fans, he'll go off like a Roman candle.
246
00:08:51,948 --> 00:08:54,242
Oh, they don't pay any attention to letters.
247
00:08:54,283 --> 00:08:55,368
Alan Brady does.
248
00:08:55,409 --> 00:08:56,410
Really?
249
00:08:56,452 --> 00:08:57,745
Letters mean that much to him?
250
00:08:57,787 --> 00:08:59,038
He reads every one.
251
00:08:59,038 --> 00:09:02,375
Well, then if he gets a lot of
letters, he couldn't be mad at Rob?
252
00:09:02,375 --> 00:09:03,668
If they're good letters.
253
00:09:03,668 --> 00:09:06,546
Huh.
254
00:09:06,546 --> 00:09:08,589
Millie, what was at that huh?
255
00:09:08,631 --> 00:09:10,132
Just huh.
256
00:09:10,132 --> 00:09:12,552
No, Millie, I know you a little too well.
257
00:09:12,552 --> 00:09:14,846
That was no ordinary huh.
258
00:09:14,846 --> 00:09:16,305
Now, what are you thinking?
259
00:09:16,305 --> 00:09:23,020
Well, what's to stop an interested party from sending
in a bunch of letters telling him how good it was?
260
00:09:23,020 --> 00:09:26,440
Rob would kill me, that's what's to stop.
261
00:09:26,482 --> 00:09:27,650
Well, suppose this.
262
00:09:27,650 --> 00:09:31,571
Suppose this interested party called
up all her friends and relatives.
263
00:09:31,571 --> 00:09:32,738
Forget it.
264
00:09:32,738 --> 00:09:34,991
All right, how about this suppose?
265
00:09:34,991 --> 00:09:42,415
An innocent and unrelated bystander, like, say,
well, like-- Like the next door neighbor?
266
00:09:42,415 --> 00:09:44,750
If you will.
267
00:09:44,750 --> 00:09:46,252
You've got to be kidding.
268
00:09:46,294 --> 00:09:49,839
Listen, anybody's entitled to write one little letter.
269
00:09:49,839 --> 00:09:53,092
Or 2 or 3 or 40.
270
00:09:53,092 --> 00:09:53,801
Millie!
271
00:09:53,843 --> 00:09:54,927
Freedom of the press.
272
00:09:54,969 --> 00:09:56,929
Millie, I don't want to hear it.
273
00:09:56,971 --> 00:10:00,224
Yeah, you don't want to hear it,
but you're not telling me not to do it.
274
00:10:00,224 --> 00:10:03,978
I am not hearing, telling,
or saying anything more on the subject.
275
00:10:04,020 --> 00:10:05,980
Laura, I understand.
276
00:10:06,022 --> 00:10:07,356
No, Millie, you don't.
277
00:10:07,356 --> 00:10:08,274
Gotcha.
278
00:10:08,274 --> 00:10:09,358
Millie!
279
00:10:11,568 --> 00:10:14,071
Alan, you have nothing to worry about.
280
00:10:14,071 --> 00:10:15,531
They're going to love it.
281
00:10:15,531 --> 00:10:18,701
Well, we're all going to know in
a few minutes anyway, aren't we?
282
00:10:18,701 --> 00:10:20,577
Don't worry, I'll call you the minute it's over.
283
00:10:20,577 --> 00:10:21,662
OK, bye.
284
00:10:21,704 --> 00:10:23,372
What a week I've had with that guy.
285
00:10:23,372 --> 00:10:24,873
I've lost count.
286
00:10:24,873 --> 00:10:27,167
Is that the 11th and 12th time he's called you today?
287
00:10:27,209 --> 00:10:29,086
Well, it's done and I'm proud of it.
288
00:10:29,086 --> 00:10:31,922
I don't care what anybody says.
289
00:10:31,922 --> 00:10:33,298
Boy, oh, boy.
290
00:10:33,340 --> 00:10:35,384
Now, the guy that put that on, he really has guts.
291
00:10:35,384 --> 00:10:39,346
That's, that's Swan Lake, isn't it?
292
00:10:39,346 --> 00:10:42,766
Music's the same, costumes are the same.
293
00:10:42,766 --> 00:10:45,811
After a while, you forget they're monkeys.
294
00:10:45,853 --> 00:10:49,440
[music playing]
295
00:10:52,651 --> 00:10:56,905
ANNOUNCER (ON TV): Ladies and gentlemen,
you've been watching "Camera on Culture."
296
00:10:56,905 --> 00:11:04,621
This week's program prepared jointly by the
New State Ballet Company and the Bronx Zoo.
297
00:11:04,621 --> 00:11:10,210
Now stay tuned for "Project Greatness,"
with this week's special guest Alan Brady.
298
00:11:10,252 --> 00:11:11,211
Good luck, darling.
299
00:11:11,211 --> 00:11:12,588
Boy, I'm going to need it.
300
00:11:12,588 --> 00:11:14,840
You know, I hate to follow animal acts anyway.
301
00:11:14,840 --> 00:11:19,386
NEWSREADER (ON TV): Ladies and gentlemen, "Project
Greatness" will not be seen today in order
302
00:11:19,386 --> 00:11:23,015
that we may bring you a wrap up of
today's flood in the west side subway.
303
00:11:23,057 --> 00:11:25,601
Oh, no.
304
00:11:25,601 --> 00:11:29,104
The program originally scheduled will be shown at a later date.
305
00:11:29,104 --> 00:11:30,064
You can't do that.
306
00:11:30,105 --> 00:11:31,690
You can't do that!
307
00:11:31,690 --> 00:11:34,485
JACK SULLIVAN (ON TV): This is your on the spot
correspondent Jack Sullivan speaking to you from a rubber
308
00:11:34,485 --> 00:11:36,487
raft beneath Times Square.
309
00:11:39,823 --> 00:11:44,995
And this is Rob Petrie speaking to
you from a rowboat up the creek.
310
00:11:44,995 --> 00:11:46,538
Ah, do you know what that means?
311
00:11:46,538 --> 00:11:48,832
It means living another week with Alan Brady hounding me.
312
00:11:48,832 --> 00:11:50,167
I can't take it.
313
00:11:50,167 --> 00:11:53,545
Why didn't they flood the subway during the monkey act?
314
00:11:53,587 --> 00:11:55,339
Darling, it's a reprieve anyway.
315
00:11:55,339 --> 00:11:57,299
I don't want a reprieve.
316
00:11:57,299 --> 00:11:59,009
I want to get this over with.
317
00:11:59,009 --> 00:12:00,052
[phone ringing]
318
00:12:00,803 --> 00:12:01,887
That's Alan.
319
00:12:01,929 --> 00:12:06,350
He probably thinks they flooded the
subway because his show's rotten.
320
00:12:06,350 --> 00:12:07,726
Hi, Alan.
321
00:12:07,726 --> 00:12:09,061
Yes, I saw.
322
00:12:09,061 --> 00:12:12,272
Well, look, they'll probably run it next week anyway.
323
00:12:12,314 --> 00:12:13,357
Huh?
324
00:12:13,357 --> 00:12:14,692
No, hey, Alan, wait a minute.
325
00:12:14,692 --> 00:12:18,946
No, look, they wouldn't have done that, Alan.
326
00:12:18,987 --> 00:12:23,742
No, look, I, I don't think we
should tape it all over again, Alan.
327
00:12:23,742 --> 00:12:24,410
Hi.
328
00:12:24,451 --> 00:12:26,578
I'm listening.
329
00:12:26,578 --> 00:12:29,331
Alan, I don't think it's that bad.
330
00:12:29,331 --> 00:12:31,250
What is the matter with you?
331
00:12:31,250 --> 00:12:34,420
Laura, this is a genuine disaster.
332
00:12:34,461 --> 00:12:36,505
Millie, what's the matter with you?
333
00:12:36,505 --> 00:12:41,969
Nobody saw Rob's program, not even the 14 people.
334
00:12:42,011 --> 00:12:43,512
What 14 people?
335
00:12:43,512 --> 00:12:45,931
My 14 people.
336
00:12:45,931 --> 00:12:50,644
The ones that wrote the letters telling
Alan Brady how great the program was.
337
00:12:50,644 --> 00:12:54,481
You got 14 people to write letters?
338
00:12:54,481 --> 00:12:57,985
I'm 14 people.
339
00:12:58,027 --> 00:13:00,446
14 stupid people!
340
00:13:00,446 --> 00:13:02,448
And you mailed them?
341
00:13:02,489 --> 00:13:04,491
Oh, Millie!
342
00:13:04,491 --> 00:13:10,372
Well, I wanted them to have different postmarks,
so this afternoon I drove all over West Chester
343
00:13:10,372 --> 00:13:11,707
in southern Connecticut.
344
00:13:11,707 --> 00:13:15,502
All right, all right, now just let me think.
345
00:13:15,502 --> 00:13:17,254
Laura, please think of something good.
346
00:13:17,254 --> 00:13:18,380
Because if Rob finds out.
347
00:13:18,380 --> 00:13:19,465
He's going to kill me.
348
00:13:19,506 --> 00:13:20,674
OK, all right.
349
00:13:20,674 --> 00:13:22,009
We have nothing to worry about.
350
00:13:22,051 --> 00:13:22,968
Oh, good.
351
00:13:23,010 --> 00:13:24,303
- What do I mean we? - You and me.
352
00:13:24,303 --> 00:13:25,220
Yeah, that's what I mean.
353
00:13:25,220 --> 00:13:26,305
It is not you and me.
354
00:13:26,305 --> 00:13:27,598
It's just you.
355
00:13:27,598 --> 00:13:29,641
You didn't tell me not to do it!
356
00:13:29,683 --> 00:13:30,976
Millie, I didn't tell you anything.
357
00:13:31,018 --> 00:13:33,228
I didn't even know what you were talking about.
358
00:13:33,228 --> 00:13:37,816
And I certainly didn't think
you'd mail them before the show.
359
00:13:37,816 --> 00:13:39,485
Laura!
360
00:13:39,526 --> 00:13:44,615
I did it with a full heart and good
intentions, and now you're deserting me!
361
00:13:44,615 --> 00:13:46,241
Millie, will you stop crying?
362
00:13:46,241 --> 00:13:48,827
Oh, I can't help it.
363
00:13:48,869 --> 00:13:53,374
Oh, before, when you said we had nothing
to worry about, what did you mean?
364
00:13:53,374 --> 00:13:57,461
All right, I was thinking that there's really no
way of their tracing the letters back to you.
365
00:13:57,461 --> 00:13:59,672
Unless you signed your name.
366
00:13:59,713 --> 00:14:02,216
Well, Laura, that would have been really stupid.
367
00:14:02,257 --> 00:14:03,175
Did you?
368
00:14:03,175 --> 00:14:05,010
How can you ask that?
369
00:14:05,010 --> 00:14:06,387
Of course not.
370
00:14:06,387 --> 00:14:10,015
I signed it with the names of dead relatives and fake people.
371
00:14:10,015 --> 00:14:11,100
Good.
372
00:14:11,100 --> 00:14:15,354
Now, I think the first thing we
have to do is say nothing to Rob.
373
00:14:15,354 --> 00:14:18,524
Ooh, I like that first thing.
374
00:14:18,565 --> 00:14:22,736
Tomorrow morning when Alan gets his
mail, he's going to see the letters Yeah.
375
00:14:22,736 --> 00:14:23,987
And he's going to wonder about them.
376
00:14:23,987 --> 00:14:25,239
Yeah, yeah.
377
00:14:25,280 --> 00:14:29,118
And, logically, he'll assume that Rob
had something to do with the letters.
378
00:14:29,118 --> 00:14:32,204
But Rob's not to know anything
about it because we won't tell him.
379
00:14:32,204 --> 00:14:33,205
Right.
380
00:14:33,247 --> 00:14:34,832
And Rob will be very convincing.
381
00:14:34,832 --> 00:14:36,875
He's a rotten liar, but he tells the truth better than anyone.
382
00:14:36,875 --> 00:14:39,336
There's no way of their ever
tracing those letters back to us.
383
00:14:39,336 --> 00:14:40,546
You.
384
00:14:40,587 --> 00:14:42,047
You are so smart.
385
00:14:42,089 --> 00:14:43,257
Yes, all right.
386
00:14:43,298 --> 00:14:47,177
Now, you didn't see the show, so you
couldn't have said anything too specific.
387
00:14:47,177 --> 00:14:48,679
What did you say?
388
00:14:48,679 --> 00:14:53,726
Well, uh, I said Alan Brady was my favorite
comedian, and I, I said it was good for him
389
00:14:53,767 --> 00:14:56,729
to do a brainy program like that.
390
00:14:56,729 --> 00:14:58,105
Was Alan's name in the TV listings?
391
00:14:58,147 --> 00:14:59,314
- Yeah. - OK, good.
392
00:14:59,314 --> 00:15:00,524
What else?
393
00:15:00,524 --> 00:15:06,155
Uh, well, I said a bunch of things about how there
should be more cultural stuff like that on TV.
394
00:15:06,155 --> 00:15:07,740
Well, that's sounds safe.
395
00:15:07,781 --> 00:15:10,534
Oh, oh, and then I said plenty get terrific things about Rob.
396
00:15:10,534 --> 00:15:11,994
Rob?
397
00:15:11,994 --> 00:15:18,083
Yeah, I said Alan Brady should be plenty lucky to
have a genius like Rob Petrie around, and then I
398
00:15:18,125 --> 00:15:24,048
said how wonderful it was that such a
young guy could be so funny and so brainy.
399
00:15:24,048 --> 00:15:27,092
And Rob's name isn't in the TV listings, is it?
400
00:15:27,134 --> 00:15:28,218
No!
401
00:15:33,307 --> 00:15:34,933
What are we going to do?
402
00:15:34,933 --> 00:15:37,978
Millie, now the only thing to do is tell Rob what you did.
403
00:15:37,978 --> 00:15:40,814
Well, listen, listen,
Alan Brady still won't know that I did it.
404
00:15:40,814 --> 00:15:41,648
Right.
405
00:15:41,648 --> 00:15:43,233
Now he'll think that I did it.
406
00:15:43,233 --> 00:15:44,568
Oh!
407
00:15:44,568 --> 00:15:47,905
Laura, start packing.
408
00:15:47,905 --> 00:15:49,239
What do you mean packing?
409
00:15:49,239 --> 00:15:51,283
I have decided that I'm going to quit writing.
410
00:15:51,325 --> 00:15:52,326
I'm going to quit this house.
411
00:15:52,368 --> 00:15:53,702
I am going to quit everything.
412
00:15:53,702 --> 00:15:55,579
I'm going to become a backwoodsman.
413
00:15:55,579 --> 00:15:58,165
Who needs the aggravation?
- Rob-- It's no use.
414
00:15:58,207 --> 00:16:01,377
You and Ritchie and I are going to move to the
back of the woods where there are no television
415
00:16:01,377 --> 00:16:05,839
sets, no crazy comedians, and just little furry animals
are going to come out and make friends with us
416
00:16:05,839 --> 00:16:07,257
and eat out of our hands.
417
00:16:09,343 --> 00:16:12,971
Was Rob-- was, was Alan very upset with you, darling?
418
00:16:12,971 --> 00:16:13,681
No, no.
419
00:16:13,681 --> 00:16:15,015
No more than usual.
420
00:16:15,015 --> 00:16:18,977
It's just that I am up to here with this thing, and
the very prospect of living with it for one more week
421
00:16:19,019 --> 00:16:19,853
is too much.
422
00:16:19,853 --> 00:16:22,189
Well, I think I'll be going.
423
00:16:22,231 --> 00:16:24,024
Millie!
424
00:16:24,024 --> 00:16:32,241
Rob, something has come up that I,
as your wife, feel that you should know.
425
00:16:32,241 --> 00:16:34,827
If it'll make me happy, go ahead and tell me.
426
00:16:34,827 --> 00:16:39,832
If not, save it, because it could drive me over the brink.
427
00:16:39,873 --> 00:16:41,959
Oh, Rob, I'm so sorry.
428
00:16:41,959 --> 00:16:45,671
You don't ever have to speak to me ever again.
429
00:16:45,713 --> 00:16:49,633
It's not going to make me happy, is it?
430
00:16:49,633 --> 00:16:51,427
I don't think so.
431
00:16:51,427 --> 00:16:54,596
Did she kill Jerry?
432
00:16:54,596 --> 00:16:57,349
Rob, it, it has to do with the program.
433
00:16:57,391 --> 00:17:00,811
She flooded the subway?
434
00:17:00,811 --> 00:17:04,023
I was only trying to help.
435
00:17:04,023 --> 00:17:05,357
She did flood the subway?
436
00:17:05,357 --> 00:17:07,026
No!
437
00:17:07,067 --> 00:17:13,449
Rob, look, I've got to take part of the responsibility
for this, because I did not tell her not to do it.
438
00:17:13,449 --> 00:17:15,117
Oh, Laura, you're so good.
439
00:17:15,117 --> 00:17:16,243
All right.
440
00:17:16,285 --> 00:17:19,455
Listen, whatever it is, would you tell
me fast, because I'm about to panic.
441
00:17:19,455 --> 00:17:22,249
Look, darling, it's OK.
442
00:17:22,291 --> 00:17:24,251
Millie?
443
00:17:24,293 --> 00:17:26,378
[stammering]
444
00:17:27,171 --> 00:17:30,007
Aw, Millie.
445
00:17:30,007 --> 00:17:36,805
Millie, in trying to help you, Rob, wrote 14
letters to Alan Brady praising the program
446
00:17:36,805 --> 00:17:39,224
and the Alan and you.
447
00:17:44,855 --> 00:17:47,358
Uh, where are they now?
448
00:17:56,116 --> 00:17:58,577
Mailed them.
449
00:17:58,577 --> 00:18:00,871
[uncomfortable laughter]
450
00:18:10,297 --> 00:18:12,883
Rob, Are you all right?
451
00:18:12,883 --> 00:18:14,551
I couldn't be worse.
452
00:18:18,597 --> 00:18:20,474
Rob, what can I do?
453
00:18:20,516 --> 00:18:24,436
Take advantage of my temporary insanity and get out of here.
454
00:18:24,436 --> 00:18:25,479
Millie!
455
00:18:28,524 --> 00:18:29,441
Darling.
456
00:18:29,483 --> 00:18:30,859
Don't touch me.
457
00:18:37,491 --> 00:18:38,450
Rob, listen to me.
458
00:18:38,450 --> 00:18:41,245
Steal the mail.
459
00:18:41,245 --> 00:18:42,162
I can't.
460
00:18:42,162 --> 00:18:42,871
It's dishonest.
461
00:18:42,871 --> 00:18:43,956
So I'll steal it.
462
00:18:43,998 --> 00:18:45,165
So it's still dishonest?
463
00:18:45,165 --> 00:18:46,667
No, I'll be like Robin Hood.
464
00:18:46,667 --> 00:18:48,252
I'll rob from the rich and give to the Rob.
465
00:18:50,754 --> 00:18:54,675
Look, whatever you decide to do, do it
fast, because Alan will get the letters
466
00:18:54,717 --> 00:18:57,011
and your decision will be made for you.
467
00:18:57,011 --> 00:18:57,761
Yeah.
468
00:18:57,761 --> 00:18:58,929
Wish me luck.
469
00:18:58,929 --> 00:18:59,763
I'm going to Alan's office. - OK.
470
00:18:59,763 --> 00:19:01,056
I'll go with you.
471
00:19:01,056 --> 00:19:02,349
I'll wait in the hall and be your lookout.
472
00:19:02,349 --> 00:19:03,642
Look, I'm not going to steal the letters.
473
00:19:03,684 --> 00:19:04,852
I want to tell Alan the truth.
474
00:19:04,852 --> 00:19:06,186
I'll still go along.
475
00:19:06,186 --> 00:19:08,856
Look, if he's going to tell the
truth, he doesn't need a lookout.
476
00:19:08,856 --> 00:19:10,399
Sure he does. I'll stand out there.
477
00:19:10,399 --> 00:19:12,609
When Alan throws him out the window, I'll yell, look out!
478
00:19:17,948 --> 00:19:19,992
Oh, Mr. Brady is not in yet?
479
00:19:20,034 --> 00:19:20,826
No.
480
00:19:20,826 --> 00:19:22,036
But he'll be in in a moment.
481
00:19:22,036 --> 00:19:22,953
Why don't you wait?
482
00:19:22,953 --> 00:19:23,996
Oh, thank you.
483
00:19:23,996 --> 00:19:24,872
Is the mail in yet?
484
00:19:24,872 --> 00:19:26,832
Oh, the mail's in Yes.
485
00:19:26,832 --> 00:19:28,000
Mr. Cooley brought it in.
486
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:28,834
Didn't you get yours? - Oh, yeah.
487
00:19:28,876 --> 00:19:30,169
I got mine.
488
00:19:30,210 --> 00:19:32,546
I just wanted to make sure the boss gets his.
489
00:19:32,588 --> 00:19:33,922
He did.
490
00:19:33,922 --> 00:19:35,174
You know what they say about the mail.
491
00:19:35,174 --> 00:19:36,925
You know, rain or snow or--
492
00:19:40,304 --> 00:19:45,184
"Mr. Brady, you were in Chicago a few
months ago and took me out to dinner."
493
00:19:45,225 --> 00:19:46,268
[whistle]
494
00:19:48,771 --> 00:19:49,772
Hi.
495
00:19:49,772 --> 00:19:51,648
I was looking for a match.
496
00:19:51,648 --> 00:19:53,025
I'm out of matches.
497
00:19:53,067 --> 00:19:54,360
You were looking for a match?
498
00:19:54,360 --> 00:19:55,194
Yeah.
499
00:19:55,194 --> 00:19:57,696
I, I wasn't going to steal it.
500
00:19:57,696 --> 00:19:59,031
I just wanted to borrow it. Oh.
501
00:19:59,031 --> 00:20:00,032
There's a match.
502
00:20:00,074 --> 00:20:02,451
Thanks very much, [inaudible].
503
00:20:02,451 --> 00:20:03,869
Oh.
504
00:20:03,869 --> 00:20:05,704
Cigarette out the front.
505
00:20:05,704 --> 00:20:07,164
Light a match. Son of a gun.
506
00:20:07,164 --> 00:20:08,415
I ain't got any cigarettes.
507
00:20:08,415 --> 00:20:10,209
I'm out of matches and out of cigarettes.
508
00:20:10,209 --> 00:20:13,379
Haven't even got a stick of gum.
509
00:20:13,420 --> 00:20:16,215
[inaudible]
510
00:20:16,215 --> 00:20:16,924
Thanks.
511
00:20:16,924 --> 00:20:18,217
Thanks for the match.
512
00:20:29,645 --> 00:20:31,355
Hi, Alan.
513
00:20:31,355 --> 00:20:32,690
Hi, Rob. Hi.
514
00:20:32,690 --> 00:20:33,691
No, sit down. Sit down.
515
00:20:33,691 --> 00:20:34,566
Sit down. - Oh, thanks.
516
00:20:34,608 --> 00:20:35,734
I'm glad you're here.
517
00:20:35,776 --> 00:20:36,443
I was going to call you down anyway.
518
00:20:36,443 --> 00:20:37,653
You were?
519
00:20:37,653 --> 00:20:40,906
Yeah, when a man has an unpleasant task
to do, no sense putting it off, right?
520
00:20:40,906 --> 00:20:41,949
Yeah.
521
00:20:41,949 --> 00:20:44,284
That's right.
522
00:20:44,284 --> 00:20:48,414
Alan, one thing I want to tell you,
that what may appear obvious on the surface
523
00:20:48,455 --> 00:20:50,916
may not be the same below the surface.
524
00:20:50,958 --> 00:20:53,043
You know, Lloyd Bridges proved that, didn't he?
525
00:20:56,547 --> 00:20:58,257
Rob, it's, it's not that funny.
526
00:20:58,298 --> 00:20:59,967
No, it isn't.
527
00:20:59,967 --> 00:21:04,263
Sometimes a man does or says something stupid,
and there's no way of getting out of it.
528
00:21:04,304 --> 00:21:06,765
You've got to stand up like a man and take your medicine.
529
00:21:06,807 --> 00:21:08,017
That's exactly the way I feel, Alan.
530
00:21:08,017 --> 00:21:08,934
Sit down, Rob.
531
00:21:08,976 --> 00:21:12,646
Well, I thought you-- You know-- you
know, of course, what I'm going to say.
532
00:21:12,646 --> 00:21:14,898
Well, I have-- I have an idea.
533
00:21:14,898 --> 00:21:17,151
Rob, all this week I've been fighting you.
534
00:21:17,151 --> 00:21:20,779
But you, uh, you had a lot of guts.
535
00:21:20,779 --> 00:21:21,947
You never lost confidence.
536
00:21:21,947 --> 00:21:24,700
Well, uh-- No matter how hard I
pushed, you held your ground.
537
00:21:24,700 --> 00:21:26,118
That's guts.
538
00:21:26,160 --> 00:21:28,120
I said to myself, that Petrie's got a lot of guts.
539
00:21:28,120 --> 00:21:30,789
And then this morning something happened.
540
00:21:30,831 --> 00:21:33,500
I realized, Petrie, you don't have guts.
541
00:21:33,500 --> 00:21:34,460
Huh?
542
00:21:34,501 --> 00:21:36,628
You know what you got?
543
00:21:36,628 --> 00:21:37,796
Brains.
544
00:21:37,796 --> 00:21:38,714
Oh.
545
00:21:38,714 --> 00:21:39,757
Big, fat brains.
546
00:21:39,757 --> 00:21:40,883
Oh.
547
00:21:40,883 --> 00:21:43,635
This morning I screened that show
for a bunch of network executives,
548
00:21:43,635 --> 00:21:46,305
and after seeing that show, they talked to
me as if they've never seen my work before.
549
00:21:46,347 --> 00:21:47,556
You know what they gave me?
550
00:21:47,556 --> 00:21:48,974
Respect. Respect.
551
00:21:49,016 --> 00:21:50,142
That's almost as good as laughs.
552
00:21:50,184 --> 00:21:51,852
I didn't realize that.
553
00:21:51,852 --> 00:21:53,812
You've got a lot of integrity, Petrie.
554
00:21:53,854 --> 00:21:56,357
Yeah, I have good integrity, Alan,
and there's something I want to tell you.
555
00:21:56,357 --> 00:21:57,983
I've got to get it off my chest.
556
00:21:57,983 --> 00:21:59,860
Alan-- Rob!
557
00:21:59,860 --> 00:22:01,487
There he is, my favorite brother-in-law.
558
00:22:01,487 --> 00:22:02,863
Hi there.
559
00:22:02,863 --> 00:22:05,866
Uh, uh, Alan, they are-- they are waiting
downstairs for you to rehearse the dance number.
560
00:22:05,908 --> 00:22:06,909
OK, Charlie.
561
00:22:06,909 --> 00:22:08,035
I got new respect for him too.
562
00:22:08,035 --> 00:22:09,370
He was on your side.
563
00:22:09,370 --> 00:22:10,954
Uh, better, better, better run long.
564
00:22:10,954 --> 00:22:12,498
OK.
565
00:22:12,498 --> 00:22:14,917
Alan, listen, before you go, there's something
I've got to tell you about your mail. - Yeah.
566
00:22:14,917 --> 00:22:16,251
Yeah. What about my mail?
567
00:22:16,251 --> 00:22:17,294
Well--
568
00:22:19,963 --> 00:22:21,799
The sides is isn't going to help.
569
00:22:21,799 --> 00:22:23,801
Use that hair I gave you.
570
00:22:23,801 --> 00:22:25,094
What is it, Rob?
571
00:22:25,094 --> 00:22:26,553
Uh, Alan, you, you, you'd better run along.
572
00:22:26,553 --> 00:22:27,388
Yeah, really?
573
00:22:27,388 --> 00:22:28,806
He wanted to tell me something.
574
00:22:28,806 --> 00:22:29,723
Now, shut up.
575
00:22:29,723 --> 00:22:31,642
Go to rehearsal, Alan.
576
00:22:31,642 --> 00:22:33,560
Shut up and go to rehearsal?
577
00:22:33,560 --> 00:22:34,520
Don't do that.
578
00:22:34,520 --> 00:22:35,562
You're not that secure.
579
00:22:41,068 --> 00:22:45,864
Mel, was, was, was that a,
uh-- You almost ruined everything.
580
00:22:45,864 --> 00:22:48,367
You were going to tell him about the letters, now weren't you?
581
00:22:48,367 --> 00:22:49,785
You knew about those letters?
582
00:22:49,785 --> 00:22:51,704
They're not there, they're here.
583
00:22:51,704 --> 00:22:52,621
You've got them?
584
00:22:52,621 --> 00:22:53,706
14 of them.
585
00:22:53,706 --> 00:22:54,999
That's all of them, all right.
586
00:22:54,999 --> 00:22:56,792
How did you-- how-- why did you get them?
587
00:22:56,792 --> 00:22:58,002
Why did you write them?
588
00:22:58,002 --> 00:22:59,128
I didn't write them.
589
00:22:59,128 --> 00:23:00,379
Laura? Sally?
590
00:23:00,379 --> 00:23:01,046
Buddy?
591
00:23:01,088 --> 00:23:02,464
No, Millie.
592
00:23:02,464 --> 00:23:04,091
Well, I knew you had something to do with them.
593
00:23:04,091 --> 00:23:05,592
I didn't have anything to do with it.
594
00:23:05,592 --> 00:23:07,261
How did you get them?
595
00:23:07,261 --> 00:23:09,388
Well, I go through Alan's mail every morning.
596
00:23:09,430 --> 00:23:12,057
When I saw these, I just figured it was trouble.
597
00:23:12,099 --> 00:23:15,936
That's awfully nice of you to do that for me,
Mel, but I could have explained them myself.
598
00:23:15,936 --> 00:23:19,815
No matter how you would explain it,
it would have ruined the moment of glory.
599
00:23:19,815 --> 00:23:20,983
Well, that's awfully nice of you.
600
00:23:20,983 --> 00:23:21,900
You did it for me?
601
00:23:21,900 --> 00:23:23,068
No, I did it for me.
602
00:23:23,068 --> 00:23:24,403
Huh?
603
00:23:24,403 --> 00:23:25,779
Did you notice how he treated me this morning?
604
00:23:25,779 --> 00:23:30,409
This is the first morning in 15 years
he invited me to have coffee with him.
605
00:23:30,451 --> 00:23:34,997
And just because you recommended--
you've never had coffee with him?
606
00:23:34,997 --> 00:23:36,457
He says I make him nauseous.
607
00:23:45,341 --> 00:23:47,509
ALAN: And so on behalf of "Project Greatness,"
608
00:23:47,509 --> 00:23:50,721
this is Alan Brady saying thank you and goodnight.
609
00:23:54,141 --> 00:23:55,601
Darling, that was just beautiful.
610
00:23:55,601 --> 00:23:57,061
Attaboy, Mel.
611
00:23:57,061 --> 00:23:58,062
Beautiful.
612
00:23:58,062 --> 00:23:59,104
Oh, you son of a gun.
613
00:23:59,146 --> 00:24:00,439
You did it, boy.
614
00:24:00,481 --> 00:24:01,940
Yeah, he did it, all right.
615
00:24:01,982 --> 00:24:03,609
We'll never get Alan to do jokes anymore.
616
00:24:03,650 --> 00:24:05,444
SALLY: Yeah, probably want to play Hamlet.
617
00:24:05,444 --> 00:24:07,821
Hey, Millie, now you can write all the fan letters you want.
618
00:24:07,821 --> 00:24:09,656
Well, I don't think I ought to.
619
00:24:09,656 --> 00:24:12,159
Well, Millie, it's a perfectly natural thing to do.
620
00:24:12,159 --> 00:24:14,119
If you like the show, I think you should write in.
621
00:24:14,161 --> 00:24:15,829
Well, that's it then.
622
00:24:15,829 --> 00:24:17,289
I didn't like the program.
623
00:24:19,750 --> 00:24:21,168
ROB: You didn't like it?
624
00:24:21,168 --> 00:24:23,295
Well, I mean, I don't know if I liked it or not.
625
00:24:23,295 --> 00:24:24,630
I mean, was so brainy.
626
00:24:24,630 --> 00:24:26,173
Who could understand it?
627
00:24:26,173 --> 00:24:28,217
[inaudible] jokes I like.
628
00:24:28,217 --> 00:24:29,718
You've got to be kidding.
629
00:24:29,718 --> 00:24:31,345
[arguing]
630
00:24:31,345 --> 00:24:33,305
Now wait just a second.
631
00:24:33,305 --> 00:24:36,892
Anybody is welcome to have their own opinion about anything.
632
00:24:36,892 --> 00:24:38,769
Millie, get out of my house.
633
00:24:42,773 --> 00:24:46,443
[music playing]46607
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