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[theme music]
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ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show,"
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starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey
Amsterdam, Larry Mathews, and Mary Tyler Moore.
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Hi there. What you doing?
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Hi.
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Take a seat.
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He's waiting for a haircut.
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What does that mean?
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Well, it's the only place I ever get to
read that magazine, is in a barbershop.
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- Now we now. - Know what?
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Why you didn't want to have lunch with us.
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You said you had a lot of work to do.
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Ha-ha.
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And for a magazine.
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Some work.
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Hey, it is work, looking at the pictures
of all those pretty girls, reading
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how those bachelors live it up.
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It's a tough job for a married
man to keep from killing himself.
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You guys think it would hurt my reputation
any to be associated with this magazine?
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Well, depends on how you look in a bikini.
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Drew Patton wants me to be a
consultant in the humor section.
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Drew Patton, the emperor himself?
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You know something?
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I don't understand guys like him.
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What's to understand?
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He got an overactive thyroid.
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You know, the funny thing about that guy is
that during college, we all felt sorry for him.
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He was a bookworm, one of those real loners.
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I don't think the guy had a date through the whole four years.
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He was saving it up.
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You know, I don't think he does half
the things they print about him.
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Well, I don't think they print half the stuff he does.
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Well, I think it's disgusting.
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Oh, come on, buddy.
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We can't sit in judgment on how another man lives.
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No, I just think it's disgusting
I don't live that way.
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Oh.
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Well, I guess it's best not to get
involved in a deal like this, though.
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[phone ringing]
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Well, depends on how involved you want to get.
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Hello?
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Oh, hey, speak of the devil, and I use the term advisedly.
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Drew Patton? SALLY: Oh.
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That's my appointment. Send him in.
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Send him in.
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Why didn't you tell me he was coming?
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Look at the way I'm dressed.
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What's wrong with the way you're dressed?
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That's it!
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I'm dressed!
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Hey, Rob, can we stay?
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Yeah, why don't you stay and meet him?
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OK.
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Hope he brings some samples, huh?
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For you?
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Hi, Drew.
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- Hey, Rob. - How are you?
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Have you been reading my magazine?
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Yeah.
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Well, that's how I am.
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I'd like you to meed a couple of my collaborators here.
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That's Sally Rogers. - How do you do?
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- My pleasure. - Oh.
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And Buddy Sorrell.
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I admire your work.
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Well, I admire your luck.
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My luck?
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Boy, what a job, just going around
the country, finding beautiful girls.
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Oh, well, they find me.
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You see, the problem in this kind of
business is finding the right men.
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Well, it looks like we're kind of in the same business.
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Wanna merge?
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What do you say, Rob?
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Let's have our little talk, and then we can grab some lunch.
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Well, tell you the truth, Drew, you're
so late, we're due at a staff meeting.
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Why don't we make it for dinner tonight?
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Well, let me call Laura and see if we can get a babysitter.
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You-- you want to bring your wife?
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Well, yeah, you know?
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Well, this is strictly business, Rob.
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Yeah.
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Well, I better call and see if she's started dinner, anyway.
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Boy, I knew you'd get married, but I
never thought you'd get that married.
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Just consider it I am not that married.
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You're kidding.
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He's so married, when he walks into a room
alone, they say, here's Rob and Laura Petrie.
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Hey, I just called to see if you started dinner yet.
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Why?
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Well, Drew Patton's here, and he wanted
to discuss that deal I told you about.
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Oh?
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Well, I thought you decided you didn't want
to have anything to do with that magazine.
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No, honey, that was you who didn't.
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Look, couldn't you discuss it at the office or here at home?
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Honey, it's too complicated.
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And all I asked you was, did you start dinner yet or not?
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Did I start dinner?
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Is that why you called, darling?
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ROB (ON PHONE): Yeah.
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Oh, well, all I can say is that there is a
seven-pound roast beef in the oven, cooking.
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Does that answer your question?
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Uh, yeah, yeah.
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Just a second.
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Drew, she's got a seven-pound roast in the oven.
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No kidding.
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Well, we learn something new every day.
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Well, there's no harm done.
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We can swing tomorrow night. - OK.
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Honey, that's OK.
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Drew and I will sw-- uh, go out tomorrow night.
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Listen, I have a better idea.
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Why don't you bring him home tonight, see?
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And then, that way, you can have a nice dinner,
and you won't have to go to all the trouble
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and bother of going out with him tomorrow night.
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Just a second.
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Drew, would you consider coming to our house for dinner?
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DREW: You know, that might be fun.
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You can see how the other 9/10 live.
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OK, if you let me provide the dessert.
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You got it.
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Honey, Drew says OK, only he wants to bring dessert.
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Oh.
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Well, fine.
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That'll be a help.
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Bye, darling.
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ROB (ON PHONE): Bye, honey.
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Oh boy.
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How do you entertain the king of self-indulgence?
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You better get a move on. You're late.
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Drew's gonna be here any minute.
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I'd be just as happy if he didn't show up at all.
150
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Honey, you're lying.
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What?
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You're out to make a big impression on Mr. Patton.
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I am not.
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Yeah?
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Then what are you wearing that whoopee dress for?
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This isn't a whoopee dress from.
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It's years old.
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Yeah, but it still works.
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Give me a kiss.
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You really think I put this on to impress him?
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Yeah, he's got a book full of beauties.
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You want to show him I got a house full of beauties.
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[doorbell rings] - Oh, oh.
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Honey, just relax.
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Drew's a regular guy.
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I'm relaxed.
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Hi, Drew.
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Hey, Rob.
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I'm sorry I'm late.
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Drew, I'd like you to
meet-- Don't say it.
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Don't say it.
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Don't say what?
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Don't say that she's your wife.
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ROB: Well, she is.
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Darn.
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I thought I had Miss October.
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Well, say thank you, honey.
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You just got a compliment.
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Oh, thank you.
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How are you, Drew?
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- I'm fine, thank you. - Would you like to sit down?
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I'd love to.
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Oh, how about a drink?
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Fine.
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Anything, on the rocks.
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OK.
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What a sweet place.
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Very sweet.
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Thank you.
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You know, Laura, of course, why I'm here tonight.
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To discuss the humor department of your magazine?
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That's right.
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Well, how do you feel about Emperor magazine?
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You really want an honest opinion?
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DREW: Sure.
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Well, I feel pretty much the way Rob does.
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The writing in that magazine is so good that
you really don't need all those pictures.
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Rob, you don't like to look at those pictures?
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He certainly does not.
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I'm sorry, Drew.
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I'm afraid my wife's a little old fashioned.
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Well, thank you.
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They're the best kind to have.
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Oh, you approve of an old-fashioned wife?
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If, for some crazy reason, a man thinks he has
to have one, you're the best kind to have.
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Thank him.
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Thank him.
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Oh, that was another one.
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That's another one.
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Thank you.
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Well, Drew, haven't you ever found a
girl you'd like to settle down with?
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Oh, Rob, every day of my life.
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LAURA: Well, then how come
you've never married one of them?
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Because if I did,
every husband in America would be upset.
220
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Oh, that's a cutie.
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Thank you.
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Well, why upset?
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I'd be a fallen idol.
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Every guy in America gets vicarious
kicks out of the way I live.
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Yeah, I see what you mean.
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You do?
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Yeah.
229
00:07:01,062 --> 00:07:04,265
You get vicarious kicks out of the way he lives?
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Oh, no, I'm-- I see what--
what he means about them.
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00:07:07,235 --> 00:07:10,805
But I didn't mean-- guys who-- you
know, who like that kind of a thing.
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Do you-- do you believe him, Laura?
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Of course I believe him.
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Rob's never given me any reason not to.
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If Rob says that he doesn't envy the kind of
life that I lead, he's one of two things.
239
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He's either a liar, or he's scared.
240
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No, I don't think he's either one of those things.
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DREW: Oh.
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In that case, he's dead.
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Why don't you try normal man who is happily married?
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Because those two things don't go together.
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Well, in him, they do.
246
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DREW: I'm afraid I can't accept that.
247
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Why not?
248
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Because you've been doing all the talking.
249
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Rob hasn't said a word.
250
00:07:47,542 --> 00:07:48,376
Oh.
251
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Well, darling-- Boy,
it's-- I agree with her, boy.
253
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Every guy-- every guy envies the kind of life I lead.
254
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Can you deny that, Rob?
255
00:08:01,889 --> 00:08:04,259
Rob, aren't you going to deny that?
256
00:08:04,359 --> 00:08:05,827
Yeah.
257
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Right after dinner.
258
00:08:08,730 --> 00:08:10,231
Why-- why after dinner?
259
00:08:10,331 --> 00:08:12,734
Well, I'd like to deny it in such a way that I don't make
260
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Laura mad, and I save a little self-respect for
myself, and Drew doesn't think I'm a sissy, you know?
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00:08:18,906 --> 00:08:20,041
Let's eat.
263
00:08:22,977 --> 00:08:26,581
Well, you will admit that you're more apt to be
drawn into my way of life than I am into yours.
265
00:08:26,681 --> 00:08:32,086
Well, then why don't you just say that
all married men are basically unhappy?
267
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I try to avoid the obvious.
268
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Obvious?
269
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don't you realize that statistics prove
that 70-- Hey, fellas, look. Wait a minute.
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Whoa.
272
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Now, this is like talking about politics and religion.
273
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It just-- Yeah, yeah,
truce, truce, Laura.
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And I'm sorry.
275
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I didn't mean to ruin this perfectly delightful meal.
276
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- You didn't ruin anything. - I did.
277
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I was supposed to have the dessert
sent over, and it's not even here yet.
279
00:08:51,806 --> 00:08:53,508
Now if it does come, I won't be able to eat it anyway.
280
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Well, hey, what about our business meeting?
281
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We never got around to it.
282
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Oh yeah.
283
00:08:57,745 --> 00:08:59,647
Where did the night go?
284
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Listen, why don't you come to my
place for dinner tomorrow night?
286
00:09:03,151 --> 00:09:07,021
I'll have Felicia fix us up some cracked crab or
something like that, and we can work undisturbed.
288
00:09:07,121 --> 00:09:09,557
It's all right for Rob to go, isn't it, Laura?
289
00:09:09,657 --> 00:09:11,626
Well, I-- You don't
have to check with her.
290
00:09:11,726 --> 00:09:12,694
You can ask me.
291
00:09:12,794 --> 00:09:13,828
Oh, well, it is all right, then?
292
00:09:13,928 --> 00:09:14,996
Of course it's all right.
293
00:09:15,096 --> 00:09:17,365
Isn't it, honey?
294
00:09:17,465 --> 00:09:22,503
Well, I was hoping that you would
help me rehang those drapes.
296
00:09:22,603 --> 00:09:25,840
Well, honey, the drapes will have to wait.
297
00:09:25,940 --> 00:09:27,375
I'll be there. - Good.
298
00:09:27,475 --> 00:09:28,643
[doorbell rings]
299
00:09:28,743 --> 00:09:32,280
Oh, that must be the kid with the cherries flambe now.
300
00:09:32,380 --> 00:09:33,081
Hi.
301
00:09:33,181 --> 00:09:34,582
Is this Mr. Petrie's house?
302
00:09:34,682 --> 00:09:36,351
DREW: Come on in, Laura?
303
00:09:36,451 --> 00:09:37,185
Laura?
304
00:09:37,285 --> 00:09:40,054
Yeah, her name is Laura too.
305
00:09:40,154 --> 00:09:45,660
She's our assistant dessert editor,
and formerly Miss April of 1960.
307
00:09:45,760 --> 00:09:46,961
1960?
308
00:09:47,061 --> 00:09:49,030
She still looks good.
309
00:09:49,130 --> 00:09:52,200
DREW: Rob, '60 was a great year.
310
00:09:52,300 --> 00:09:53,768
Where can I put this?
311
00:09:53,868 --> 00:09:55,403
Well, Mrs. Petrie will show you.
312
00:09:55,503 --> 00:09:57,338
I'd love to stay, Laura, but I have to run to the airport.
313
00:09:57,438 --> 00:09:59,374
I have to see some beauty contest winners.
314
00:09:59,474 --> 00:10:01,442
Rob, I'll see you tomorrow.
315
00:10:01,542 --> 00:10:05,179
And if you're a good, good boy,
I will introduce you to Miss Copenhagen,
317
00:10:05,279 --> 00:10:06,881
if it's all right with you, Laura.
318
00:10:06,981 --> 00:10:08,316
Sure. The more, the merrier.
319
00:10:08,416 --> 00:10:09,017
Not you.
320
00:10:09,117 --> 00:10:10,017
Her name is Laura too.
321
00:10:10,118 --> 00:10:10,918
Bye, Lauras.
322
00:10:11,018 --> 00:10:11,986
Bye.
323
00:10:12,086 --> 00:10:14,756
We'll see you.
324
00:10:14,856 --> 00:10:17,125
My wife's name is Laura too.
325
00:10:17,225 --> 00:10:18,559
Hi, Laura.
326
00:10:18,659 --> 00:10:19,594
Hi.
327
00:10:24,365 --> 00:10:25,867
Well.
328
00:10:25,967 --> 00:10:27,835
Well, where shall I put this?
329
00:10:27,935 --> 00:10:29,137
Oh, I'll take that.
330
00:10:29,237 --> 00:10:30,271
Here we are.
331
00:10:30,371 --> 00:10:32,407
Where should she put this, honey?
332
00:10:32,507 --> 00:10:34,742
Well, I-- on the table, I guess.
333
00:10:34,842 --> 00:10:36,344
Uh, put-- put it on the table.
334
00:10:36,444 --> 00:10:38,579
OK.
335
00:10:38,679 --> 00:10:41,849
You know, darling, I really don't
feel like having any dessert tonight.
337
00:10:41,949 --> 00:10:43,451
Oh, you've gotta have some!
338
00:10:43,551 --> 00:10:45,787
I brought it all the way from the club.
339
00:10:45,887 --> 00:10:47,622
Now, you sit here, Mr. Petrie.
340
00:10:47,722 --> 00:10:48,322
OK.
341
00:10:48,423 --> 00:10:51,125
In the emperor's chair.
342
00:10:51,225 --> 00:10:53,995
And Laura, you can sit over there.
343
00:10:54,095 --> 00:10:55,530
Thank you.
344
00:10:55,630 --> 00:10:58,366
Well, honey, she came all the way up here with.
345
00:10:58,466 --> 00:10:59,834
At least we ought to try it.
346
00:11:03,404 --> 00:11:05,440
Would you light it?
347
00:11:05,540 --> 00:11:06,774
Oh, OK.
348
00:11:10,378 --> 00:11:12,547
Where shall I light it?
349
00:11:12,647 --> 00:11:14,515
Right here.
350
00:11:14,615 --> 00:11:17,118
Oh, sandpaper.
351
00:11:17,218 --> 00:11:20,354
Oh, there.
352
00:11:20,455 --> 00:11:21,722
Whoo!
353
00:11:21,823 --> 00:11:23,124
Wow.
354
00:11:23,224 --> 00:11:24,158
Isn't this fun?
355
00:11:24,258 --> 00:11:25,393
Whoopee.
356
00:11:30,531 --> 00:11:34,802
After the flaming slave girl left last night,
it took me four hours to convince her
358
00:11:34,902 --> 00:11:37,438
that just going to Drew Patton's office wasn't gonna corrupt me.
359
00:11:37,538 --> 00:11:38,506
Yeah.
360
00:11:38,606 --> 00:11:42,410
Well, maybe she's afraid today's
dessert will have a bigger flame.
362
00:11:42,510 --> 00:11:44,679
Well, today's meeting will be the first and the last one.
363
00:11:44,779 --> 00:11:47,515
Even if I wanted to do a humor column, I haven't got the time.
364
00:11:47,615 --> 00:11:50,952
Hey, Rob, there isn't much money in
writing jokes for a magazine, is there?
366
00:11:51,052 --> 00:11:52,186
- No. - Who cares?
367
00:11:52,286 --> 00:11:53,421
I work for the desserts.
368
00:11:55,957 --> 00:11:57,992
So I've noticed.
369
00:11:58,092 --> 00:12:00,294
Hey, Rob, if you don't want the
job, why are you going over there?
371
00:12:00,394 --> 00:12:01,662
Drive his wife crazy.
372
00:12:01,762 --> 00:12:02,730
Oh, come on.
373
00:12:02,830 --> 00:12:05,800
I'm going to thank an old college
friend for his offer, that's all.
375
00:12:05,900 --> 00:12:07,301
Yeah, but you could have told him that on the phone.
376
00:12:07,401 --> 00:12:08,636
What? And miss a dessert?
377
00:12:08,736 --> 00:12:11,239
Oh, will you cut it out with that desert stuff?
378
00:12:11,339 --> 00:12:14,175
Look, I'm going over there to give
him what help I can give him is all.
380
00:12:14,275 --> 00:12:15,576
Yeah, and maybe get yourself a little dessert.
381
00:12:15,676 --> 00:12:17,311
Oh, cut that.
382
00:12:17,411 --> 00:12:19,213
Hey, bring me back some cheesecake.
383
00:12:19,313 --> 00:12:23,718
Hey, Rob, you really quite interested what
goes on in the emperor's palace, aren't you?
385
00:12:23,818 --> 00:12:25,987
Look, you guys, let me say something seriously.
386
00:12:26,087 --> 00:12:30,491
I think, for a man to properly evaluate
and appreciate what he has, he should
388
00:12:30,591 --> 00:12:33,060
examine what he doesn't have.
389
00:12:33,161 --> 00:12:35,863
And I think I should too.
390
00:12:35,963 --> 00:12:39,934
[music playing]
391
00:12:43,337 --> 00:12:45,439
[doorbell buzzes]
392
00:12:45,540 --> 00:12:46,507
Yes?
393
00:12:46,607 --> 00:12:49,844
SAM (ON SPEAKER): Mr. Patton,
Mr. Robert Petrie is here to see you.
395
00:12:49,944 --> 00:12:50,811
Thank you, Sam.
396
00:12:50,912 --> 00:12:52,513
Send him in, please.
397
00:12:56,217 --> 00:12:57,018
Come on in, Rob.
398
00:12:57,118 --> 00:12:58,886
Excuse me.
399
00:12:58,986 --> 00:13:01,722
Some receptionist room you'd have out there.
400
00:13:01,822 --> 00:13:03,891
I don't care what people look like.
401
00:13:03,991 --> 00:13:07,061
I hire them because they happen to be the best in their field.
402
00:13:07,161 --> 00:13:07,962
Sit down.
403
00:13:08,062 --> 00:13:09,263
Oh, thanks.
404
00:13:09,363 --> 00:13:11,632
Boy oh boy, this is some layout you've got.
405
00:13:11,732 --> 00:13:15,102
Well, it's a place to get mail.
406
00:13:15,202 --> 00:13:16,404
Can I offer you a drink?
407
00:13:16,504 --> 00:13:17,838
Well, I could use a cup of coffee.
408
00:13:17,939 --> 00:13:18,773
Oh, fine.
409
00:13:18,873 --> 00:13:19,707
Pot of coffee, please.
410
00:13:19,807 --> 00:13:23,244
SAM (ON SPEAKER): Yes, Mr. Patton.
411
00:13:23,344 --> 00:13:24,812
Oh, that feels good.
412
00:13:24,912 --> 00:13:26,547
This guy's got a great pair of hands, Rob.
413
00:13:26,647 --> 00:13:27,815
- Oh. - Let him work on you.
414
00:13:27,915 --> 00:13:28,816
Abdullah.
415
00:13:32,687 --> 00:13:36,123
Hey, Rob, how does this layout to you?
416
00:13:36,224 --> 00:13:40,728
Well, I-- uh-- wait.
417
00:13:40,828 --> 00:13:41,429
Yeah.
418
00:13:41,529 --> 00:13:42,363
Ooh, that's great.
419
00:13:42,463 --> 00:13:43,864
That's-- that's fine.
420
00:13:43,965 --> 00:13:44,932
He doesn't understand English.
421
00:13:45,032 --> 00:13:46,934
How do you turn him off?
422
00:13:47,034 --> 00:13:49,904
[non-english]
423
00:13:57,945 --> 00:14:01,515
You know, that is the ugliest woman I ever saw.
424
00:14:03,851 --> 00:14:07,822
Like I say, Rob, I don't care what people
look like, as long as they do their job.
426
00:14:07,922 --> 00:14:08,823
That's a good idea.
427
00:14:11,926 --> 00:14:12,827
Come in, dear.
428
00:14:16,163 --> 00:14:18,399
How would you like your coffee?
429
00:14:18,499 --> 00:14:22,603
Well, whatever takes the longest.
430
00:14:31,712 --> 00:14:32,346
Thank you.
431
00:14:32,446 --> 00:14:33,581
It is my pleasure.
432
00:14:37,251 --> 00:14:39,854
[whistles]
433
00:14:39,954 --> 00:14:45,059
Rob, that girl makes the greatest
little cup of coffee in America.
435
00:14:45,159 --> 00:14:47,962
You can tell that.
436
00:14:48,062 --> 00:14:51,465
Hey, look, Drew, about my taking over the
humor sections-- [knocking on door] - Yeah?
438
00:15:01,776 --> 00:15:03,778
Greatest little pencil sharpener in America, huh?
439
00:15:06,380 --> 00:15:07,615
Can you do better than that?
440
00:15:07,715 --> 00:15:09,517
[laughs]
441
00:15:09,617 --> 00:15:11,052
What are you laughing at?
442
00:15:11,152 --> 00:15:13,387
You know, Laura and I must be a real challenge to you.
443
00:15:13,487 --> 00:15:14,955
You think all of this is just for you?
444
00:15:15,056 --> 00:15:16,624
Well, I know one thing. You're a businessman.
445
00:15:16,724 --> 00:15:19,527
You're not gonna hire a girl
like that just to pencil sharpen.
447
00:15:19,627 --> 00:15:23,230
That girl out there happens to be the
greatest stenographer in the city.
449
00:15:23,330 --> 00:15:24,498
Oh, sure.
450
00:15:24,598 --> 00:15:25,733
Would you like to give her some dictation?
451
00:15:25,833 --> 00:15:28,202
She can take 130 words a minute.
452
00:15:28,302 --> 00:15:30,871
Yeah, sitting on my lap, I'll bet, huh?
453
00:15:30,971 --> 00:15:32,173
Florence, come in here.
454
00:15:32,273 --> 00:15:33,641
And bring your pad, would you, please?
455
00:15:33,741 --> 00:15:34,542
Oh, hey, that's kind of silly. DREW: No, no, no, no.
456
00:15:34,642 --> 00:15:35,776
You challenged me.
457
00:15:35,876 --> 00:15:36,811
Come on in, dear.
458
00:15:39,447 --> 00:15:41,649
Come in.
459
00:15:41,749 --> 00:15:44,819
Now, would you show Mr. Petrie how fast you are, hm?
460
00:15:49,190 --> 00:15:50,124
I feel a little silly.
461
00:15:50,224 --> 00:15:51,292
I don't even know what to say.
462
00:15:51,392 --> 00:15:52,993
Well, let's see.
463
00:15:53,094 --> 00:16:00,267
We the people, in order to form a more perfect union,
establish justice, ensure domestic tranquility,
465
00:16:00,367 --> 00:16:05,072
and provide for the common defense, promote
the general welfare-- am I going too fast?
468
00:16:05,172 --> 00:16:06,407
Not really.
469
00:16:06,507 --> 00:16:08,008
Well, what was the last sentence there?
470
00:16:08,109 --> 00:16:10,644
The last one you said or the last one I wrote?
471
00:16:10,745 --> 00:16:12,179
The last one you wrote.
472
00:16:12,279 --> 00:16:16,751
Promote the general welfare and secure the blessing
of liberty to ourselves and our posterity,
474
00:16:16,851 --> 00:16:19,653
ordain and establish this Constitution
for the United States of America.
476
00:16:19,754 --> 00:16:21,021
Well, I didn't go that far.
477
00:16:21,122 --> 00:16:22,957
I assumed that's where you were going.
478
00:16:23,057 --> 00:16:24,992
You weren't planning on making any changes, were you?
479
00:16:25,092 --> 00:16:25,926
No, no.
480
00:16:26,026 --> 00:16:28,229
It's fine the way it is.
481
00:16:28,329 --> 00:16:29,130
Thank you, Florence.
482
00:16:29,230 --> 00:16:30,164
That'll be all.
483
00:16:30,264 --> 00:16:31,098
Shall I type that up for you?
484
00:16:31,198 --> 00:16:32,032
Oh, no, no.
485
00:16:32,133 --> 00:16:33,167
That won't be necessary.
486
00:16:33,267 --> 00:16:35,836
They have a copy in Washington.
487
00:16:40,341 --> 00:16:42,409
Well, Robert, you want to apologize?
488
00:16:42,510 --> 00:16:43,344
I apologize.
489
00:16:43,444 --> 00:16:45,112
Boy, is she fast.
490
00:16:45,212 --> 00:16:46,213
And she's all yours.
491
00:16:46,313 --> 00:16:47,515
What, mine?
492
00:16:47,615 --> 00:16:49,250
You'll need a secretary when you work here.
493
00:16:49,350 --> 00:16:51,552
Look, Drew, I thank you very much.
494
00:16:51,652 --> 00:16:53,220
But I don't think-- [doorbell buzzes]
495
00:16:53,320 --> 00:16:54,789
Yes?
496
00:16:54,889 --> 00:16:55,723
SAM (ON SPEAKER): Mr. Patton, the girls are ready for you.
497
00:16:55,823 --> 00:16:57,091
- Oh, thank you. - Girls?
498
00:16:57,191 --> 00:16:58,292
What girls?
499
00:16:58,392 --> 00:17:01,295
Well, Rob, you're gonna have to
help me break a girl's heart.
501
00:17:01,395 --> 00:17:02,329
I am?
502
00:17:02,430 --> 00:17:03,597
How?
503
00:17:03,697 --> 00:17:04,965
DREW: There are 12 months in a year, right?
504
00:17:05,065 --> 00:17:05,966
Yeah.
505
00:17:06,066 --> 00:17:07,601
How's that gonna break a woman's heart?
506
00:17:07,701 --> 00:17:10,337
DREW: Well, I've got 13
prospective slave girls out here.
508
00:17:10,437 --> 00:17:12,940
One of them has got to go, the poor kid.
509
00:17:13,040 --> 00:17:15,042
And you're gonna have to help me pick the loser.
510
00:17:15,142 --> 00:17:17,444
You don't mind if we use your office, do you?
511
00:17:17,545 --> 00:17:18,846
Isn't this your office?
512
00:17:18,946 --> 00:17:22,082
No, this is your office, if we clinch the deal.
513
00:17:22,183 --> 00:17:23,517
Oh, I see.
514
00:17:23,617 --> 00:17:26,387
This is my office, and that and speedy
little beauty out there is my secretary.
516
00:17:26,487 --> 00:17:27,288
Uh-huh.
517
00:17:27,388 --> 00:17:28,422
Send them in.
518
00:17:28,522 --> 00:17:30,524
And the salary isn't bad either.
519
00:17:30,624 --> 00:17:31,725
Oh yeah, salary too.
520
00:17:31,826 --> 00:17:32,660
Don't forget the coffee.
521
00:17:32,760 --> 00:17:34,094
Oh, the coffee's great.
522
00:17:34,195 --> 00:17:35,262
Oh, come in, ladies.
523
00:17:35,362 --> 00:17:36,931
Come in.
524
00:17:37,031 --> 00:17:37,731
Thank you.
525
00:17:37,832 --> 00:17:39,200
Come right around this way.
526
00:17:39,300 --> 00:17:40,134
Good.
527
00:17:40,234 --> 00:17:41,068
How are you today?
528
00:17:41,168 --> 00:17:42,403
Come right around here.
529
00:17:42,503 --> 00:17:44,138
Thank you so much.
530
00:17:44,238 --> 00:17:45,873
Right down here, girls.
531
00:17:45,973 --> 00:17:46,774
Thank you.
532
00:17:46,874 --> 00:17:47,608
Thank you.
533
00:17:47,708 --> 00:17:50,544
This, Rob-- this is Mr. Petrie.
534
00:17:50,644 --> 00:17:52,046
He's one of our editors.
535
00:17:52,146 --> 00:17:54,481
Well, no, actually, I'm not an editor.
536
00:17:54,582 --> 00:17:56,517
We were-- I was just down here talking to Mr.
537
00:17:56,617 --> 00:18:00,421
Patton about the possibility--
what am I supposed to do?
539
00:18:00,521 --> 00:18:04,325
You pick the one you don't like.
540
00:18:04,425 --> 00:18:08,095
Yeah, I don't think she's here.
541
00:18:08,195 --> 00:18:11,232
Well, we don't-- we don't have to make a snap decision.
542
00:18:11,332 --> 00:18:14,201
You know, we'll just spend a little time with them.
543
00:18:14,301 --> 00:18:15,870
You'll chat with them.
544
00:18:15,970 --> 00:18:18,105
And then we'll compare notes, OK?
545
00:18:18,205 --> 00:18:19,807
You start over there. I'll start over here.
546
00:18:19,907 --> 00:18:20,508
- OK. - Hello, dear.
547
00:18:20,608 --> 00:18:21,642
How are you?
548
00:18:21,742 --> 00:18:22,543
Hey, let's-- let's go together.
549
00:18:22,643 --> 00:18:26,113
What-- are you afraid?
550
00:18:26,213 --> 00:18:28,048
No, I'm not afraid.
551
00:18:28,148 --> 00:18:30,251
It is just that--
oh, Miss Finland.
552
00:18:30,351 --> 00:18:32,019
Would you step out here, dear?
553
00:18:36,390 --> 00:18:38,559
Lovely country.
554
00:18:38,659 --> 00:18:39,727
Have you been there?
555
00:18:39,827 --> 00:18:41,462
No, no, I haven't been there.
556
00:18:41,562 --> 00:18:44,999
My wife-- I'm married to my wife,
and she's-- Oh, your wife has been there.
558
00:18:45,099 --> 00:18:45,833
No, she hasn't.
559
00:18:45,933 --> 00:18:50,104
My wife's mother and father--
Oh, her parents have been there.
561
00:18:50,204 --> 00:18:55,476
No, her parents live next door to
some people who are from there.
563
00:18:55,576 --> 00:18:57,278
Johansson is their name.
564
00:18:57,378 --> 00:18:59,613
Johansson is a Swedish name.
565
00:18:59,713 --> 00:19:02,449
Oh, that's right.
566
00:19:02,549 --> 00:19:03,784
There's Miss Sweden.
567
00:19:03,884 --> 00:19:05,286
We were having the wrong conversation.
568
00:19:05,386 --> 00:19:07,354
I'm terribly sorry.
569
00:19:07,454 --> 00:19:08,589
Did you see the vikings?
570
00:19:08,689 --> 00:19:10,891
They were wonderful.
571
00:19:10,991 --> 00:19:13,193
Sebelius-- I love the music.
572
00:19:13,294 --> 00:19:14,395
Miss Sweden, sorry.
573
00:19:14,495 --> 00:19:21,535
I, uh-- my wife's mother and father live next
door to Sebelius-- [stammers] Oh, look there.
576
00:19:21,635 --> 00:19:22,436
Miss France.
577
00:19:22,536 --> 00:19:23,938
Comment ca va?
578
00:19:24,038 --> 00:19:25,639
Miss Lebanon, I know Danny Thomas.
579
00:19:25,739 --> 00:19:28,609
Did you know Danny Thomas?
580
00:19:28,709 --> 00:19:32,913
[music playing]
581
00:19:38,285 --> 00:19:41,188
Hm.
582
00:19:41,288 --> 00:19:42,823
4 o'clock.
583
00:19:42,923 --> 00:19:45,059
Mm.
584
00:19:45,159 --> 00:19:46,393
I am so tired.
585
00:19:49,563 --> 00:19:51,932
But I'm hungrier than I am sleepy.
586
00:19:52,032 --> 00:19:53,867
I wonder if I can eat in my sleep.
587
00:19:57,938 --> 00:19:59,840
Oh boy.
588
00:19:59,940 --> 00:20:04,578
Good old garbanzo beans and fried chicken.
589
00:20:04,678 --> 00:20:08,115
Boy, I'll hate myself in the morning.
590
00:20:08,215 --> 00:20:09,450
It isn't bad, though.
591
00:20:09,550 --> 00:20:12,486
I'll be on Laura's side, at least.
592
00:20:12,586 --> 00:20:13,821
Boy, 4 o'clock.
593
00:20:13,921 --> 00:20:16,357
Where did the night go?
594
00:20:16,457 --> 00:20:18,859
(SINGING) Where did the night go?
595
00:20:18,959 --> 00:20:21,462
How did it get away from me?
596
00:20:21,562 --> 00:20:27,401
It slipped through my fingers like a fool on a madcap spree.
597
00:20:27,501 --> 00:20:29,603
Tell me, where did the night go?
598
00:20:29,703 --> 00:20:30,971
No, you tell me.
599
00:20:34,141 --> 00:20:35,542
Where did it go?
600
00:20:35,643 --> 00:20:36,543
I'm sorry, honey.
601
00:20:36,644 --> 00:20:37,378
Did I wake you up? - No.
602
00:20:37,478 --> 00:20:38,545
No, no.
603
00:20:38,645 --> 00:20:42,249
I was just in there reading a book.
604
00:20:42,349 --> 00:20:43,851
I called and told you I was gonna be late.
605
00:20:43,951 --> 00:20:47,154
Yeah, yeah, except it's 3 o'clock in the morning.
606
00:20:47,254 --> 00:20:48,288
It's 4:00, honey.
607
00:20:48,389 --> 00:20:49,256
Why did I say that?
608
00:20:49,356 --> 00:20:50,391
Now you're an hour madder.
609
00:20:50,491 --> 00:20:51,859
I'm not mad.
610
00:20:51,959 --> 00:20:53,761
Don't tell me you're gonna eat now.
611
00:20:53,861 --> 00:20:55,696
Well, yeah, I'm hungry.
612
00:20:55,796 --> 00:21:03,070
Gee, I thought you'd be stuffed from all the wine,
and grapes, and roast suckling pig you probably had.
614
00:21:03,170 --> 00:21:06,340
Honey, the emperor and I were much too busy to eat.
615
00:21:06,440 --> 00:21:07,641
What were you so busy with?
616
00:21:07,741 --> 00:21:09,676
Are you checking on me?
617
00:21:09,777 --> 00:21:10,644
No, no.
618
00:21:10,744 --> 00:21:11,912
I'm not checking, darling.
619
00:21:12,012 --> 00:21:16,683
I just wondered why it would take you
so long to judge a beauty contest.
621
00:21:16,784 --> 00:21:17,618
Oh, I see.
622
00:21:17,718 --> 00:21:18,886
That's it.
623
00:21:18,986 --> 00:21:20,421
You thought I was enjoying myself, huh?
624
00:21:20,521 --> 00:21:23,057
Well, weren't you?
625
00:21:23,157 --> 00:21:24,324
Well, yeah.
626
00:21:24,425 --> 00:21:25,659
I did.
627
00:21:25,759 --> 00:21:27,461
I enjoyed looking at all those foreign beauties.
628
00:21:27,561 --> 00:21:31,598
But I also enjoyed solving the problem of the 13th girl, too.
629
00:21:31,698 --> 00:21:32,900
What'd you suggest?
630
00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:36,703
Honey, Miss Sweden is now your new maid.
631
00:21:36,804 --> 00:21:38,906
I'm kidding.
632
00:21:39,006 --> 00:21:45,579
Look, all I did was decide-- we were just gonna
swap the 13th girl over into the next year
634
00:21:45,679 --> 00:21:46,747
and make her Miss January.
635
00:21:46,847 --> 00:21:50,217
But the high point of the evening was coming
up with a humor page that was really original.
637
00:21:50,317 --> 00:21:51,819
We were doing it most of the night.
638
00:21:51,919 --> 00:21:53,954
And Drew said I was a genius.
639
00:21:54,054 --> 00:21:55,956
I got a bonus out of it.
640
00:21:56,056 --> 00:21:57,124
He gave you a bonus?
641
00:21:57,224 --> 00:21:58,759
You bet.
642
00:21:58,859 --> 00:22:01,495
You took that job?
643
00:22:01,595 --> 00:22:03,297
Honey, your chin's quivering.
644
00:22:03,397 --> 00:22:05,933
No, it's not.
645
00:22:06,033 --> 00:22:07,668
You took that job, huh?
646
00:22:07,768 --> 00:22:08,602
Hey, wait a minute.
647
00:22:08,702 --> 00:22:09,837
Are you upset?
648
00:22:09,937 --> 00:22:10,971
Why should I be upset?
649
00:22:11,071 --> 00:22:13,574
Well, why should you be?
650
00:22:13,674 --> 00:22:16,310
Because you're only human, Rob.
651
00:22:16,410 --> 00:22:22,049
I mean, a human man just can't work in a place
like that with all those beautiful girls running
653
00:22:22,149 --> 00:22:27,087
around in slave outfits and bathing
suits and making you desserts.
655
00:22:27,187 --> 00:22:32,860
I mean, even a good man like you just has to crumble.
656
00:22:32,960 --> 00:22:34,128
Honey, you can stop crying.
657
00:22:34,228 --> 00:22:37,498
Oh, don't tell me you wouldn't crumble.
658
00:22:37,598 --> 00:22:39,967
Well, you'll never know.
659
00:22:40,067 --> 00:22:41,602
I didn't take the job.
660
00:22:41,702 --> 00:22:44,505
Well, what did-- what you
just said about the bonus?
662
00:22:44,605 --> 00:22:47,574
I took the bonus, not the job.
663
00:22:47,674 --> 00:22:48,475
You turned it down?
664
00:22:48,575 --> 00:22:49,409
Yeah.
665
00:22:49,510 --> 00:22:50,611
You know why?
666
00:22:50,711 --> 00:22:52,546
Because you're afraid you'd crumble?
667
00:22:52,646 --> 00:22:56,550
[doorbell rings]
668
00:22:58,385 --> 00:22:59,052
Hello?
669
00:22:59,153 --> 00:23:00,354
Rob, what are you doing?
670
00:23:00,454 --> 00:23:02,022
I'm hugging my wife. What are you doing?
671
00:23:02,122 --> 00:23:03,557
- Writing. - Hey, you see?
672
00:23:03,657 --> 00:23:04,691
I have got it better than you have.
673
00:23:04,791 --> 00:23:08,762
What was that thing you said
again about prison and Disneyland?
675
00:23:08,862 --> 00:23:10,964
Well, it wasn't very profound, Drew.
676
00:23:11,064 --> 00:23:14,902
All I said was that marriage, like a
lot of other things, has boundaries.
678
00:23:15,002 --> 00:23:17,271
And to some guys, those boundaries represent walls.
679
00:23:17,371 --> 00:23:19,306
And that makes marriage a prison to them.
680
00:23:19,406 --> 00:23:24,878
But to other guys, those boundaries hold
everything that's good and fun in life.
682
00:23:24,978 --> 00:23:28,348
That, uh-- that really works for you, huh?
683
00:23:28,448 --> 00:23:30,150
Well, it has up till now. And you know something?
684
00:23:30,250 --> 00:23:31,351
You ought to try it, buddy.
685
00:23:31,451 --> 00:23:32,886
Hey, Rob, put Laura on, would you?
686
00:23:32,986 --> 00:23:33,820
I'm sorry.
687
00:23:33,921 --> 00:23:35,289
She's taken.
688
00:23:35,389 --> 00:23:37,090
DREW (ON PHONE): I want to ask her something.
689
00:23:37,191 --> 00:23:37,858
OK.
690
00:23:37,958 --> 00:23:40,127
Drew wants to talk to you.
691
00:23:40,227 --> 00:23:40,828
Hello?
692
00:23:40,928 --> 00:23:42,362
Hello, Laura.
693
00:23:42,462 --> 00:23:47,835
You know those things I said about Rob, that
he's either scared, or a liar, or dead?
695
00:23:47,935 --> 00:23:49,102
Yeah.
696
00:23:49,203 --> 00:23:51,838
Well, old Rob is none of those things.
697
00:23:51,939 --> 00:23:52,873
What is he?
698
00:23:52,973 --> 00:23:54,074
He's sick.
699
00:23:56,944 --> 00:23:58,111
He said you were sick.
700
00:23:58,212 --> 00:23:58,912
Sick?
701
00:23:59,012 --> 00:24:01,615
He thinks that you're sick!
702
00:24:01,715 --> 00:24:03,317
Isn't that marvelous?
703
00:24:07,421 --> 00:24:10,958
You know, darling, that was really wonderful, what you
704
00:24:11,058 --> 00:24:15,362
said about marriage containing all
the good and fun things of life.
706
00:24:15,462 --> 00:24:16,730
You liked that, huh?
707
00:24:16,830 --> 00:24:19,633
Darling, at that moment, I was very proud to be your wife.
708
00:24:19,733 --> 00:24:20,968
Good.
709
00:24:21,068 --> 00:24:24,605
Now, let's see that I get all the good and fun
things they have down at Emperor magazine, huh?
711
00:24:24,705 --> 00:24:26,607
Give me salt and massage my back.
712
00:24:26,707 --> 00:24:28,008
Yes, sir.
713
00:24:28,108 --> 00:24:31,979
[music playing]
714
00:24:32,079 --> 00:24:34,348
Get me some coffee, will you, please?
715
00:24:43,624 --> 00:24:48,996
[theme music]
45610
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