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[theme music]
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ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show."
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Starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey
Amsterdam, Larry Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.
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Thanks a lot Mark.
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We'll just wait in here.
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Boy, I sure hate Alan's office.
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Why?
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It's decorated so much better than ours.
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Well, even the men's room is
decorated better than our office.
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Hey, how'd you know that?
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The window washer told me.
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Do you have any idea what Alan wants to see us about?
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Mel didn't say.
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Hey, what if they call these meetings
sometime when I'm not having a snack.
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There is no such time, [inaudible]..
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Rob.
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What are they doing here?
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We were playing bridge.
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We were just waiting for the dummy.
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I thought Alan wanted to see us.
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But he doesn't want to see you all.
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You all.
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Even with a southern dialect.
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Who does he want to see?
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- You Rob. - Me?
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Only you.
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Only Rob?
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You mean to say that I had to rush up
here and let my hot chocolate get cold?
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Sally, I'm sorry if I didn't make myself clear.
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The only thing that's clear is the top of your head.
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Eat your doughnut now [inaudible]..
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We'll see you later.
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Oh, Hi Alan.
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Hi gang.
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It's nice to see you.
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What are they doing here?
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They're just leaving Alan.
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Good.
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We just walked Rob up for a little protection.
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Oh, wonderful.
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Yeah, a lot of mugging's been going
on around the water cooler. - Oh yes.
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Very funny, very funny. - Thank you.
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Don't put that in the show though.
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See you round.
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Bye.
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Yeah.
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Mel, do I speak a foreign language?
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- Oh, no. - Shut up Mel.
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Yes sir.
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Can't you understand me?
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I said I wanted to see Rob.
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That is Rob. I am Alan.
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You are Mel. This is a door.
54
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Use it.
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- But I thought you said-- - Shut up Mel.
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- Yes sir. - Come here.
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Get out of here!
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ROB: What did you want to see me for, Alan?
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Just a minute Rob.
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Rob.
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You're the only one I can turn to.
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You've got to help me.
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What is it Alan?
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Rob.
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I want you to save my life.
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Save your life?
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Alan, what are you talking about?
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Rob.
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There's a bomb in this office.
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Right here.
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It's a play.
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No, it's a bomb.
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Baby Fat by Harper Worthington Yates.
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His new play.
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Yeah, I'm supposed to do it on Broadway.
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Yeah, I read that.
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Congratulations.
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For what?
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Well, Yates is a Pulitzer Prize winning playwright.
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Well he wrote a Pulitzer Prize winning bomb there.
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You don't have to do it, do you?
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Rob, you know how I feel about Broadway.
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I always wanted to make it big on Broadway.
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And when Harper Worthington Yates
asks you to do a play, you just do it.
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You know, I'm thinking of maybe not
even wearing my hair in this part.
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Really?
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Yeah, they convinced me that great art doesn't need hair.
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Well, I guess so.
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Picasso's bald.
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Guy Kibbee was bald too.
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You see, that's what I mean Rob.
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You got a sense of humor.
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Come on, you got to fix this Rob.
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Me?
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Fix Harper Worthington Yates?
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Well, I may have exaggerated a little
when I said it wasn't all funny.
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He's giving me some laughs.
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There are a couple of heehees a couple of hahas.
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Some hohos.
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But there are no
big-- [laughter]
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You want me to put in the yahaha?
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Yeah, well there are places that are supposed to have this.
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But listen to this dialogue.
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Here.
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I say to my brother here, you're ruthless, kid.
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You may get to the top and be rich,
but you'll be a Machiavellianaire.
107
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Now what's that supposed to mean?
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Well, Machiavelli was an Italian author and statesman.
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He was supposed to be unscrupulous, so that
probably refers-- Yeah, well I know what it means.
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And you know what it means.
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But who's going to tell the audience?
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What do we give out pamphlets to explain the jokes?
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It is esoteric.
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Oh, I don't care about that.
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It's just too highbrow.
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Now Rob.
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Look.
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You know what I like. So you can fix it.
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Now look.
120
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I've marked some spots here that need fixing.
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Well wait a minute.
122
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How does Mr. Yates feel about my tampering with his script?
123
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Now look.
124
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It's already Friday, and I've got to be at
Westport for the weekend for rehearsals.
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Now you can get started on us and give me some pages Monday.
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Now won't he mind if a complete stranger--
Now you see, right here at the end,
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the first act curtain needs a big laugh there.
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Alan, wait just a second.
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Yates doesn't know about--
Well, no.
130
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Oh, Robbie!
131
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It's hard to tell a writer that his stuff isn't funny.
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You tell me that every week.
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Well you're a-- you're
a television writer.
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Oh, no offense.
135
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You know what I mean.
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We love each other.
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You know how playwrights are.
138
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But the thing is, he will know the lines are changed.
139
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Sure, but I'll memorize what you write.
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And I'll throw it in during rehearsal.
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He'll think I'm ad libbing.
142
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Now you can't tell anybody.
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Buddy, Sally, or anybody.
144
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Look, Alan.
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I'm very flattered that you think
I can improve Mr. Yates' script.
146
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But if he doesn't know that I'm
working on it-- It's done all the time.
147
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Rob, I'm desperate.
148
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You got to do this for me.
149
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Rob, I want this so bad I can feel it inside.
150
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You know Rob, you've got my guts in your hands.
151
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My hands?
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Well, I [inaudible]
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This can make me the toast of Broadway.
154
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Don't let me get burnt.
155
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That's a terrible joke.
156
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I know, it's in the play.
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That's the kind of stuff I want you to get out.
158
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What do you say, Rob?
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What do you say?
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OK.
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I'll see what I can do.
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You know what you are?
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You're a person.
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But be a quiet person.
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Don't tell anybody about this.
166
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Huh, Rob?
167
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Rob, I love you for this.
168
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And I'll tell you what.
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Don't be surprised if Christmas comes a little early this year.
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ROB: Ow!
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Sorry.
172
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I wonder what's in the envelope.
173
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Now come on, Buddy.
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We can't look into Rob's personal things.
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Yeah, but if he leaves it here, he might forget it.
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Leave it alone.
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Like a bunch of papers.
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You see?
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I'm getting as bad as you are.
180
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That's a very suspicious looking envelope.
181
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What's so suspicious about it?
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Because I don't know what's inside it.
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You won't know unless Rob wants us to know.
184
00:06:04,823 --> 00:06:06,366
Now come on, let's go to work.
185
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You know Sal, we're living in a wonderful age.
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All the little inventions we
have nowadays can make life easy.
187
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Yeah, like what?
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Like this clasp.
189
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Look at this little clasp on here.
190
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Look.
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It's a little clasp, isn't it?
192
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Opens and closes.
193
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Nothing to it.
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And it keeps the whole envelope--
that little middle clasp.
195
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But [inaudible] can open,
close, open-- Faster, faster.
196
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Open, close-- oh!
197
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I broke it.
198
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Buddy, come on now.
199
00:06:38,190 --> 00:06:38,857
That's not nice.
200
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Just leave it alone.
201
00:06:41,568 --> 00:06:44,071
Did the papers scatter?
202
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Didn't throw it down hard enough.
203
00:06:46,240 --> 00:06:48,534
Maybe if we kick it around a little bit.
204
00:06:48,617 --> 00:06:53,413
You know, kind of-- you know.
205
00:06:53,539 --> 00:06:55,123
What's going on?
206
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Oh.
207
00:06:56,166 --> 00:06:57,167
Hi.
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00:06:57,251 --> 00:06:58,877
Well, look who's here.
209
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Yeah, just in time.
210
00:07:02,381 --> 00:07:03,507
How did this get over here?
211
00:07:03,590 --> 00:07:06,844
Oh, it fell.
212
00:07:06,927 --> 00:07:09,388
Fell off the shelf over to here.
213
00:07:09,513 --> 00:07:10,681
Oh, listen Rob.
214
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They've come a long way with envelopes.
215
00:07:17,729 --> 00:07:19,147
Hi Honey.
216
00:07:21,817 --> 00:07:24,570
[mumbling]
217
00:07:24,695 --> 00:07:26,488
What do you want?
218
00:07:26,572 --> 00:07:29,366
A divorce.
219
00:07:29,449 --> 00:07:32,411
In a minute.
220
00:07:32,494 --> 00:07:33,829
Shall I call the lawyer?
221
00:07:33,912 --> 00:07:35,247
Now, that's all right, Honey.
222
00:07:35,330 --> 00:07:37,166
I'll call him.
223
00:07:37,249 --> 00:07:37,916
Oh, I'm sorry.
224
00:07:37,926 --> 00:07:38,917
Let me help you with it.
225
00:07:39,042 --> 00:07:40,210
No, no, that's all right.
226
00:07:40,294 --> 00:07:42,254
I know you've got Baby Fat on your mind.
227
00:07:42,379 --> 00:07:44,381
Hey, maybe you can use that in the play.
228
00:07:44,464 --> 00:07:45,966
Oh, no.
229
00:07:46,091 --> 00:07:48,594
No, I guess ghostwriters aren't
allowed to have ghostwriters, are they?
230
00:07:48,719 --> 00:07:49,887
Not now, Honey.
231
00:07:49,970 --> 00:07:51,430
How late did you work on it last night?
232
00:07:51,555 --> 00:07:52,431
2 o'clock.
233
00:07:52,556 --> 00:07:53,724
I looked at the clock, Rob.
234
00:07:53,807 --> 00:07:54,600
It was four.
235
00:07:54,725 --> 00:07:56,018
Yea, it was 4 o'clock.
236
00:07:56,101 --> 00:07:58,729
But the last two hours,
I just talked to myself about this job.
237
00:07:58,812 --> 00:08:00,272
LAURA: Say anything interesting?
238
00:08:00,355 --> 00:08:03,609
Don't know, I didn't really listen.
239
00:08:03,692 --> 00:08:05,319
Still excited about it?
240
00:08:05,444 --> 00:08:06,778
Oh, yeah.
241
00:08:06,862 --> 00:08:09,948
How many people can say that they're
writing a play by Harper Worthington Yates?
242
00:08:10,073 --> 00:08:12,451
Well, you'll never be able to say it.
243
00:08:12,534 --> 00:08:14,453
You think this is unethical?
244
00:08:14,536 --> 00:08:15,412
Do you?
245
00:08:15,495 --> 00:08:16,622
I asked you first.
246
00:08:16,705 --> 00:08:18,790
Well it kind of feels unethical.
247
00:08:18,874 --> 00:08:19,666
Doesn't it to you?
248
00:08:19,791 --> 00:08:20,626
Well, you know.
249
00:08:20,751 --> 00:08:21,960
It's ghostwriting.
250
00:08:22,044 --> 00:08:23,420
Ghostwriting doesn't have to be unethical.
251
00:08:23,504 --> 00:08:26,673
Well whatever you call it Rob, I just
don't see how it can lead to anything good.
252
00:08:26,798 --> 00:08:29,009
Well, Honey, you don't understand.
253
00:08:29,134 --> 00:08:31,136
Rob, let me ask you something.
254
00:08:31,261 --> 00:08:33,805
Are you doing this because you're afraid of Alan?
255
00:08:33,931 --> 00:08:36,808
No, I'm doing it because I respect Alan Brady.
256
00:08:36,892 --> 00:08:39,436
A man of his caliber has great firing power.
257
00:08:39,520 --> 00:08:40,479
Oh.
258
00:08:42,981 --> 00:08:47,444
If that's the reason you are doing this play,
then there's nothing I can say to you.
259
00:08:47,528 --> 00:08:48,612
Oh, come on, Honey.
260
00:08:48,695 --> 00:08:50,155
You know that's not the only reason.
261
00:08:50,280 --> 00:08:51,448
Rob, look.
262
00:08:51,532 --> 00:08:55,285
It's just that I always thought when you wrote a
play, I'd be able to run around the neighborhood
263
00:08:55,369 --> 00:08:58,831
and say, hey there, my husband wrote a play.
264
00:08:58,914 --> 00:09:03,377
And with this, all I can say is, hey there.
265
00:09:03,502 --> 00:09:07,506
There are a lot of wives like you who can say
hey there like Mrs. Doyle and Mrs. [inaudible]
266
00:09:07,631 --> 00:09:08,841
Whose wives are those?
267
00:09:08,924 --> 00:09:10,217
Jack Doyle and Dave [inaudible]
268
00:09:10,342 --> 00:09:14,179
and other ghostwriters who make a
fortune fixing other people's plays.
269
00:09:14,263 --> 00:09:16,348
Yeah, but just you see, you hear about them.
270
00:09:16,473 --> 00:09:19,685
I mean, they don't have to sneak around and hide in closets.
271
00:09:19,810 --> 00:09:21,019
I don't hide in a closet.
272
00:09:21,144 --> 00:09:22,646
I'm working in my own living room.
273
00:09:22,729 --> 00:09:24,064
OK, you want some lunch?
274
00:09:24,189 --> 00:09:27,025
I took the job, so let's just forget about it.
275
00:09:27,109 --> 00:09:29,236
If I think about it, I'm not going to be able to do the job.
276
00:09:29,361 --> 00:09:30,946
Let's think about something else.
277
00:09:31,029 --> 00:09:32,155
Like how about some lunch?
278
00:09:32,239 --> 00:09:36,535
Darling, I just offered you--
I don't want to talk about it.
279
00:09:36,618 --> 00:09:37,619
Sardine sandwich?
280
00:09:37,703 --> 00:09:38,537
Anything.
281
00:09:38,620 --> 00:09:40,956
Cut off the tails.
282
00:09:41,039 --> 00:09:42,583
White bread or whole wheat?
283
00:09:42,708 --> 00:09:43,500
Anything.
284
00:09:43,584 --> 00:09:44,585
Well, whole wheat.
285
00:09:44,710 --> 00:09:46,086
You got any white?
286
00:09:46,211 --> 00:09:47,880
Yeah.
287
00:09:47,963 --> 00:09:50,048
[phone ringing]
288
00:09:50,132 --> 00:09:51,633
Hello.
289
00:09:51,717 --> 00:09:52,801
Oh, hi Alan.
290
00:09:52,885 --> 00:09:53,719
Yeah, I'm fine.
291
00:09:53,844 --> 00:09:54,928
How are you?
292
00:09:55,053 --> 00:09:57,848
Oh, that's too bad.
293
00:09:57,931 --> 00:09:59,183
Yeah, I'm doing good.
294
00:09:59,266 --> 00:10:02,186
I'm just punching up the candy store sketch here.
295
00:10:02,269 --> 00:10:03,353
What?
296
00:10:03,437 --> 00:10:05,606
It's out?
297
00:10:05,731 --> 00:10:06,899
Oh, Alan.
298
00:10:07,024 --> 00:10:10,360
I can't come all the way up to Westport now.
299
00:10:10,444 --> 00:10:13,488
I know, your dreams and your guts.
300
00:10:13,572 --> 00:10:14,698
LAURA: Is that Alan? - Yeah.
301
00:10:14,781 --> 00:10:16,033
Hold a minute Alan.
302
00:10:16,116 --> 00:10:17,910
Honey, he wants me to drive up to Connecticut.
303
00:10:18,035 --> 00:10:18,994
LAURA: Oh, Rob.
304
00:10:19,077 --> 00:10:20,329
I'm making your sandwich.
305
00:10:22,915 --> 00:10:23,832
Alan, I don't know.
306
00:10:23,916 --> 00:10:25,209
My wife's making a sandwich.
307
00:10:28,462 --> 00:10:29,505
No, of course not.
308
00:10:29,588 --> 00:10:32,549
I just didn't have any lunch or anything yet.
309
00:10:32,633 --> 00:10:34,885
You really need me, huh?
310
00:10:34,968 --> 00:10:36,762
Well, I guess I could make it all right.
311
00:10:36,887 --> 00:10:37,721
Yeah, OK.
312
00:10:37,804 --> 00:10:38,722
All right.
313
00:10:38,805 --> 00:10:40,307
bye.
314
00:10:40,432 --> 00:10:42,142
Honey, I got to drive all the way up to Westport right now.
315
00:10:42,267 --> 00:10:42,893
Oh, Rob.
316
00:10:42,976 --> 00:10:44,102
You can't go now.
317
00:10:44,228 --> 00:10:45,896
Honey, I'll take the sandwich with me.
318
00:10:45,979 --> 00:10:47,606
Well, would you at least let me bag it?
319
00:10:47,689 --> 00:10:48,941
Oh, OK.
320
00:10:49,066 --> 00:10:50,567
They're having all kinds of trouble up there.
321
00:10:50,651 --> 00:10:53,779
They've got so many things so I don't
even know what it is I'm punching up.
322
00:10:53,862 --> 00:10:55,280
You really have to go?
323
00:10:55,405 --> 00:10:57,407
Yeah. did you put any tomato or onion on that sandwich?
324
00:10:57,491 --> 00:10:58,116
No.
325
00:10:58,242 --> 00:10:59,284
How do you like that?
326
00:10:59,368 --> 00:11:00,661
I got to punch up my own sandwich.
327
00:11:05,791 --> 00:11:08,001
You're under a delusion, kid!
328
00:11:08,126 --> 00:11:10,963
I'm your mother, not your brother.
329
00:11:11,088 --> 00:11:12,214
That can't be right.
330
00:11:12,297 --> 00:11:14,258
No.
331
00:11:14,341 --> 00:11:16,301
You're under a delusion, kid!
332
00:11:16,426 --> 00:11:19,555
I'm your brother, not your mother.
333
00:11:19,638 --> 00:11:22,432
I'm not going to take off my hair for this play.
334
00:11:22,516 --> 00:11:23,350
[knocking]
335
00:11:23,475 --> 00:11:24,977
Yeah, come in.
336
00:11:25,102 --> 00:11:26,645
ROB: Hey Alan. - Rob, come in.
337
00:11:26,728 --> 00:11:27,312
Quick. - Hi.
338
00:11:27,437 --> 00:11:28,564
Quick!
339
00:11:28,647 --> 00:11:29,982
Anybody see you?
340
00:11:30,107 --> 00:11:31,149
Well, I had somebody where the dressing room was.
341
00:11:31,275 --> 00:11:32,317
Who'd you ask? Not Yates, was it?
342
00:11:32,401 --> 00:11:35,112
Not unless he wears gold tights.
343
00:11:35,195 --> 00:11:36,822
Stop joking around and give me some jokes.
344
00:11:36,905 --> 00:11:38,240
OK, take it easy Alan.
345
00:11:38,323 --> 00:11:40,784
I saw one gal in gold tights and
a German Shepard outside the door.
346
00:11:40,868 --> 00:11:41,994
The dog?
347
00:11:42,119 --> 00:11:43,537
You saw the dog?
348
00:11:43,662 --> 00:11:44,580
Well, yeah.
349
00:11:44,663 --> 00:11:45,873
He's not going to say anything.
350
00:11:45,998 --> 00:11:48,167
Rob, that's Harper Worthington Yates' dog.
351
00:11:48,292 --> 00:11:49,334
He takes him to all the rehearsals.
352
00:11:49,418 --> 00:11:50,669
He says it gives him inspiration.
353
00:11:50,752 --> 00:11:52,087
Oh, yeah, I read about that once.
354
00:11:52,171 --> 00:11:53,714
That's the kind of cooks I'm working with.
355
00:11:53,839 --> 00:11:54,673
[knocking]
356
00:11:54,756 --> 00:11:55,632
Who is it?
357
00:11:55,716 --> 00:11:57,217
Harper Worthington Yates.
358
00:11:57,342 --> 00:11:58,719
- Rob, quick. - Quick what?
359
00:11:58,844 --> 00:11:59,845
Quick, into the closet.
360
00:11:59,970 --> 00:12:01,305
- Into the closet? - Where else?
361
00:12:01,388 --> 00:12:02,097
In my wallet?
362
00:12:02,181 --> 00:12:03,849
Hey can't know you're here.
363
00:12:03,932 --> 00:12:05,434
Wait a minute, Laura was right.
364
00:12:05,517 --> 00:12:06,685
I'll be right with you.
365
00:12:09,730 --> 00:12:10,647
Hi Harper.
366
00:12:10,731 --> 00:12:12,065
I hope I'm not disturbing.
367
00:12:12,191 --> 00:12:13,483
No, that's all right.
368
00:12:13,567 --> 00:12:14,526
Hi Ben.
369
00:12:14,610 --> 00:12:17,529
I just wanted to inquire whether
you like the changes I made.
370
00:12:17,613 --> 00:12:18,530
Oh, I love the changes.
371
00:12:18,655 --> 00:12:20,073
Love the changes.
372
00:12:20,199 --> 00:12:22,409
Changing that candy store to a graveyard was a wild idea.
373
00:12:22,534 --> 00:12:23,535
You're most kind.
374
00:12:23,660 --> 00:12:24,828
Yeah, I loved it.
375
00:12:24,912 --> 00:12:25,996
I may have a few ideas of my own Harper.
376
00:12:26,079 --> 00:12:29,708
Well any idea of yours
is-- [dog whining]
377
00:12:29,791 --> 00:12:32,377
Mr. Ben seems to be after something in your closet.
378
00:12:32,461 --> 00:12:36,089
Yeah, probably a mouse trying to break into show business.
379
00:12:36,215 --> 00:12:37,216
Say look, Harper.
380
00:12:37,341 --> 00:12:38,967
I've got a lot of lines to learn.
381
00:12:39,051 --> 00:12:41,386
Oh, Mr. Ben and I understand.
382
00:12:41,512 --> 00:12:45,224
An artist in the throes of creation must be forever alone.
383
00:12:45,349 --> 00:12:46,391
Oh, you're right about that.
384
00:12:46,517 --> 00:12:48,602
Mr. Ben, say goodbye to Mr. Alan.
385
00:12:48,727 --> 00:12:50,229
So long, Mr. Ben.
386
00:12:50,312 --> 00:12:53,982
Now we must leave this artist with the privacy he so desires.
387
00:12:54,066 --> 00:12:55,359
Mr. Ben.
388
00:12:55,442 --> 00:12:56,360
Thank you.
389
00:12:59,655 --> 00:13:00,572
All right, Rob.
390
00:13:00,656 --> 00:13:01,573
Rob?
391
00:13:07,287 --> 00:13:09,206
Rob, what are you fooling around for?
392
00:13:09,289 --> 00:13:10,749
I didn't bring up here to play jokes.
393
00:13:10,833 --> 00:13:14,586
I didn't drive all the way up here to hide in
a closet either. Look at this mess in here.
394
00:13:14,711 --> 00:13:16,505
My sandwich and my papers.
395
00:13:16,588 --> 00:13:17,714
Never mind that.
396
00:13:17,798 --> 00:13:18,841
Just give me the lines, will you?
397
00:13:18,924 --> 00:13:20,092
Just a second.
398
00:13:20,217 --> 00:13:21,593
I want to find the first part of it here.
399
00:13:21,677 --> 00:13:22,594
Here.
400
00:13:22,678 --> 00:13:24,137
Oh, what is that?
401
00:13:24,263 --> 00:13:25,639
Oh, it's just part of a sardine.
402
00:13:25,764 --> 00:13:27,975
Get it off of there.
403
00:13:28,100 --> 00:13:29,518
Take it easy, Alan.
404
00:13:29,601 --> 00:13:30,394
That's just a fish head.
405
00:13:30,477 --> 00:13:32,896
I know, I know, get it off.
406
00:13:32,980 --> 00:13:37,484
It's kind of frightening to look at
a joke and have it look back at you.
407
00:13:37,609 --> 00:13:38,318
Let's see.
408
00:13:38,443 --> 00:13:42,781
Hey, this is not bad, Rob.
409
00:13:42,865 --> 00:13:43,824
Hey, these are funny.
410
00:13:55,252 --> 00:13:56,795
Oh, Rob.
411
00:13:56,879 --> 00:13:58,589
I love these lines about the summer camp.
412
00:13:58,672 --> 00:13:59,673
You know, you're a genius.
413
00:13:59,798 --> 00:14:02,134
Well, they're not-- No,
you're a genius Rob.
414
00:14:02,259 --> 00:14:04,970
And not only that, you're a very sweet
person to come up here like this.
415
00:14:05,053 --> 00:14:06,889
And from now on, I'm going to treat you like a person.
416
00:14:06,972 --> 00:14:07,598
[knocking]
417
00:14:07,681 --> 00:14:09,600
Get in the closet.
418
00:14:09,683 --> 00:14:13,937
You just said-- After you get out of the
closet, I'll treat you like a person.
419
00:14:14,021 --> 00:14:15,898
I'm not staying in that closet anymore.
420
00:14:15,981 --> 00:14:18,317
- Get in the closet.
- Alan, we-- Hi there.
421
00:14:18,442 --> 00:14:19,484
Oh, I didn't know you were busy.
422
00:14:19,568 --> 00:14:20,485
No, I'm not.
423
00:14:20,569 --> 00:14:22,362
This is my tailor Vito.
424
00:14:22,487 --> 00:14:24,489
He's just making a new jacket for me.
425
00:14:24,573 --> 00:14:25,824
Very nice.
426
00:14:25,908 --> 00:14:28,452
I want you to meet Vito Schneider, my tailor.
427
00:14:28,535 --> 00:14:30,329
Vito, this is my director, Lionel Dann.
428
00:14:30,454 --> 00:14:31,830
Hello.
429
00:14:31,914 --> 00:14:33,999
Yeah, he makes all my wardrobe for my television shows.
430
00:14:34,124 --> 00:14:35,792
Well if it's a hit, I'll order a couple of suits.
431
00:14:35,876 --> 00:14:37,211
Listen, we got a problem.
432
00:14:37,336 --> 00:14:40,088
We-- isn't that jacket just like his pants?
433
00:14:42,549 --> 00:14:43,800
Oh, yes.
434
00:14:43,884 --> 00:14:48,180
Well, you see, last time he wore those slacks, I told
him I wanted a whole suit made of that material.
435
00:14:48,263 --> 00:14:49,348
What is it, Lionel?
436
00:14:49,473 --> 00:14:51,934
Well, in the first act,
the sister-in-law's lines are lousy.
437
00:14:52,017 --> 00:14:53,060
Maybe Harper could make some changes.
438
00:14:53,185 --> 00:14:54,269
Are you kidding?
439
00:14:54,353 --> 00:14:55,687
Those are some of the best lines of the whole play.
440
00:14:55,771 --> 00:14:57,189
You let your tailor read the play?
441
00:14:57,314 --> 00:14:58,190
For luck.
442
00:14:58,315 --> 00:14:59,566
I let him read it for luck.
443
00:14:59,691 --> 00:15:01,527
Harper's got a dog, I got a tailor.
444
00:15:01,610 --> 00:15:02,653
Fit it kid. Fit the jacket.
445
00:15:02,736 --> 00:15:04,196
Smart lad.
446
00:15:04,321 --> 00:15:05,739
Yeah, well maybe, but we ought to leave writing to writers.
447
00:15:05,864 --> 00:15:08,200
- Yeah, that's right.
- I-- Don't butt in!
448
00:15:08,325 --> 00:15:09,201
You're a tailor, so tail.
449
00:15:09,326 --> 00:15:11,954
Now fit, fit, fit.
450
00:15:12,037 --> 00:15:13,914
Not so tight in the waist.
451
00:15:14,039 --> 00:15:15,374
Would you just mark the jacket?
452
00:15:15,499 --> 00:15:16,333
Mark what?
453
00:15:16,416 --> 00:15:17,709
With that chalk.
454
00:15:17,793 --> 00:15:19,253
You know, that soap chalk that you have here.
455
00:15:19,378 --> 00:15:20,337
Just mark the jacket.
456
00:15:20,420 --> 00:15:21,213
Soap.
457
00:15:21,338 --> 00:15:22,548
Now what is it, Lionel?
458
00:15:22,673 --> 00:15:23,841
You cut that a little skimpy, didn't you Vito?
459
00:15:23,924 --> 00:15:27,719
I won't tell you how to direct,
you don't tell me how to alter a suit.
460
00:15:31,890 --> 00:15:33,892
Aren't we getting a little testy, now?
461
00:15:33,976 --> 00:15:35,269
You've got your show, Lionel.
462
00:15:35,394 --> 00:15:36,311
And you've got your tailoring.
463
00:15:36,395 --> 00:15:37,521
Now just mark it.
464
00:15:37,604 --> 00:15:38,981
Just mark it.
465
00:15:44,069 --> 00:15:45,070
Lionel, what do you want with me?
466
00:15:45,195 --> 00:15:46,697
What about Clara Lee's costume?
467
00:15:46,780 --> 00:15:48,240
What about it?
468
00:15:56,915 --> 00:16:01,086
Buck says that you like the dress with the apricot bow.
469
00:16:01,170 --> 00:16:03,130
What's wrong with apricot bows?
470
00:16:03,255 --> 00:16:06,508
There are so many it looks like
she's surrounded by hummingbirds.
471
00:16:06,592 --> 00:16:07,801
Look, I'm only a star.
472
00:16:07,926 --> 00:16:08,760
Buck Brown is the designer.
473
00:16:08,886 --> 00:16:10,304
Listen Vito.
474
00:16:10,429 --> 00:16:11,221
You're a tailor.
475
00:16:11,305 --> 00:16:12,222
What do you think?
476
00:16:12,306 --> 00:16:14,349
I never cared a lot for apricot bows.
477
00:16:14,433 --> 00:16:15,267
There, you see?
478
00:16:15,392 --> 00:16:16,852
From a pro.
479
00:16:16,935 --> 00:16:18,187
Listen, we can start the scene whenever you're ready, Alan.
480
00:16:18,270 --> 00:16:19,897
Yeah, I'd like to talk to Vito for a minute.
481
00:16:19,980 --> 00:16:21,023
I'd like to talk to you, too.
482
00:16:21,106 --> 00:16:22,232
Yeah, wait a minute, Lionel.
483
00:16:22,316 --> 00:16:23,525
I'll go with you.
484
00:16:23,609 --> 00:16:24,526
Mark the jacket.
485
00:16:24,610 --> 00:16:25,819
Mark it.
486
00:16:25,944 --> 00:16:27,446
I'll speak to you about the material later.
487
00:16:27,529 --> 00:16:30,157
Now I wish I was a tailor.
488
00:16:40,501 --> 00:16:43,295
Who's Vito Schnoder?
489
00:16:43,420 --> 00:16:44,505
I think that's me.
490
00:16:44,630 --> 00:16:46,381
Only I think that's Schneider.
491
00:16:46,465 --> 00:16:47,716
Who are you?
492
00:16:47,799 --> 00:16:50,093
Buck Brown, and what's wrong with apricot bows?
493
00:16:52,304 --> 00:16:54,306
How many Broadway shows have you designed?
494
00:16:54,431 --> 00:16:55,432
I've done 16.
495
00:16:55,516 --> 00:16:57,351
Well, I never-- Can
you double stitch?
496
00:17:00,312 --> 00:17:01,647
And you make hoops?
497
00:17:01,730 --> 00:17:06,902
I'm the only one who ever made Peter Pan fly
without showing an inch of undergarment.
498
00:17:06,985 --> 00:17:09,363
And who are you to come here and pick on my bows?
499
00:17:09,488 --> 00:17:11,281
I've never even heard of you.
500
00:17:11,365 --> 00:17:12,324
I work hard, Vito.
501
00:17:12,407 --> 00:17:13,617
Very, very hard.
502
00:17:13,700 --> 00:17:16,578
Hate that fabric.
503
00:17:16,662 --> 00:17:18,288
My designs have won awards.
504
00:17:18,372 --> 00:17:22,626
And I will not have a buttonhole butcher coming
here and telling my director what I'm to design.
505
00:17:22,709 --> 00:17:24,711
I'm-- listen, this is all a great big mistake Mr. Brown.
506
00:17:24,837 --> 00:17:25,671
And I'm very sorry.
507
00:17:25,754 --> 00:17:27,714
Well I should think so.
508
00:17:27,840 --> 00:17:28,966
Sorry, I flared.
509
00:17:32,219 --> 00:17:35,722
It's just that I've had a terrible day.
510
00:17:35,848 --> 00:17:38,684
Now they want me to make a sweater for Mr. Ben.
511
00:17:38,767 --> 00:17:39,601
Bow-wow.
512
00:17:39,685 --> 00:17:42,187
Buck.
513
00:17:42,312 --> 00:17:43,021
It worked!
514
00:17:43,146 --> 00:17:44,523
Everybody loved the new lines.
515
00:17:44,606 --> 00:17:46,024
Everybody, including Harper.
516
00:17:46,108 --> 00:17:47,901
Then why did you introduce me as your tailor?
517
00:17:48,026 --> 00:17:49,570
Well, I had to think of something fast.
518
00:17:49,695 --> 00:17:50,696
What's the difference? We're a hit.
519
00:17:50,821 --> 00:17:52,948
The producer is coming right
back now to tell me all about it.
520
00:17:53,031 --> 00:17:54,199
Am I still going to be your tailor?
521
00:17:54,324 --> 00:17:56,785
Well, we're stuck with the story, Rob.
522
00:17:56,869 --> 00:18:00,539
If it's all right with you, if you won't introduce
me to people, I'd rather wait in the car.
523
00:18:00,622 --> 00:18:01,665
Now wait a minute, Robbie.
524
00:18:01,748 --> 00:18:02,541
You're really this upset about it?
525
00:18:02,624 --> 00:18:04,084
You're darn right.
526
00:18:04,209 --> 00:18:05,043
If you won't tell people who I am, I don't want to be here.
527
00:18:05,169 --> 00:18:06,545
Oh. Rob, you're right.
528
00:18:06,628 --> 00:18:07,462
I'm sorry.
529
00:18:07,546 --> 00:18:08,797
You're absolutely right.
530
00:18:08,881 --> 00:18:10,132
Now look, the producer's coming down the hall.
531
00:18:10,215 --> 00:18:11,425
Why don't you leave by the window.
532
00:18:11,550 --> 00:18:13,218
- What? - Yeah, out.
533
00:18:13,343 --> 00:18:15,137
I don't want to-- Out the
window, Rob.
534
00:18:15,220 --> 00:18:16,388
You're not supposed to be seen here.
535
00:18:16,513 --> 00:18:17,431
And take your jacket to.
536
00:18:17,556 --> 00:18:18,557
- I-- I-- - Hey!
537
00:18:18,640 --> 00:18:19,558
Hey! - Oh, for crying out loud.
538
00:18:35,699 --> 00:18:37,284
Did I wake you up?
539
00:18:37,409 --> 00:18:38,535
No, no.
540
00:18:38,619 --> 00:18:41,205
I was going to get up to see what all the noise was.
541
00:18:41,288 --> 00:18:44,333
Honey, why does not Ritchie put this skateboard away.
542
00:18:44,416 --> 00:18:46,293
I told him a million times to put it away.
543
00:18:46,418 --> 00:18:47,419
He did, dear.
544
00:18:47,544 --> 00:18:48,879
He put it in the closet.
545
00:18:48,962 --> 00:18:51,131
Why can't he put it in his own closet?
546
00:18:51,256 --> 00:18:53,217
I don't put my golf clubs in his closet, do I?
547
00:18:53,300 --> 00:18:53,926
Yes.
548
00:18:54,009 --> 00:18:56,470
Well I had a right to.
549
00:18:56,595 --> 00:18:57,679
It's my house.
550
00:18:57,763 --> 00:19:00,557
When he grows up, has his own house, he can
put his things wherever he wants to put them.
551
00:19:00,641 --> 00:19:03,602
But right now, you've got to put them in his
own-- and why are you defending him anyway?
552
00:19:03,727 --> 00:19:05,938
What did Alan do to you?
553
00:19:06,021 --> 00:19:07,314
He put me in his closet.
554
00:19:10,901 --> 00:19:12,152
What happened to your jacket?
555
00:19:12,277 --> 00:19:14,530
I was attacked by a bar of soap.
556
00:19:14,613 --> 00:19:17,241
Never mind.
557
00:19:17,324 --> 00:19:23,080
I've been hidden, and yelled at, and pushed, and
pulled, and yanked, and called a rotten tailor.
558
00:19:23,163 --> 00:19:25,457
Who called you a rotten tailor?
559
00:19:25,541 --> 00:19:28,460
Buck Brown.
560
00:19:28,544 --> 00:19:29,837
The Cowboys star?
561
00:19:29,962 --> 00:19:33,090
Hardly.
562
00:19:33,173 --> 00:19:34,466
You great in that.
563
00:19:34,550 --> 00:19:35,759
Thank you.
564
00:19:35,843 --> 00:19:37,052
Rob, a tailor?
565
00:19:37,135 --> 00:19:39,638
Honey, I don't even want to talk about it.
566
00:19:39,763 --> 00:19:41,056
Oh, no you don't.
567
00:19:41,139 --> 00:19:45,435
You can't walk in here and say somebody called
you a rotten tailor and then not talk about it.
568
00:19:45,519 --> 00:19:46,645
I'm sorry, Honey.
569
00:19:46,770 --> 00:19:47,646
Honestly.
570
00:19:47,771 --> 00:19:50,190
Not out of the bottle, Rob.
571
00:19:50,315 --> 00:19:53,944
Alan Brady just put me through the
most humiliating day of my life.
572
00:19:54,027 --> 00:19:55,612
Oh, that Alan Brady.
573
00:19:55,696 --> 00:19:56,572
He thinks he owns you.
574
00:19:56,655 --> 00:19:58,156
He makes me so mad.
575
00:19:58,240 --> 00:20:00,159
Honey, it's not all Alan's fault.
576
00:20:00,284 --> 00:20:03,829
Rob, how come we can't ever be mad together?
577
00:20:03,954 --> 00:20:09,626
Well, a minutes ago you were furious with Alan, and
now that I'm mad at him with you, you're not anymore.
578
00:20:09,710 --> 00:20:10,669
Well, no.
579
00:20:10,752 --> 00:20:11,837
It isn't all his fault, Honey.
580
00:20:11,962 --> 00:20:13,922
It's only half his fault. I'm a dope.
581
00:20:14,006 --> 00:20:16,508
Darling, I think you better make
up your mind who you're mad at.
582
00:20:16,633 --> 00:20:17,759
Alan or yourself.
583
00:20:17,843 --> 00:20:21,180
Well, I'm-- this half's mad at
Alan, and this half's mad at me.
584
00:20:21,263 --> 00:20:22,556
Honey.
585
00:20:22,681 --> 00:20:25,559
You just kissed Alan's side.
586
00:20:25,684 --> 00:20:27,352
Did you meet Mr. Yates?
587
00:20:27,436 --> 00:20:28,312
Oh, yeah.
588
00:20:28,395 --> 00:20:29,688
He ordered three suits and a tuxedo.
589
00:20:32,107 --> 00:20:33,525
There you go again.
590
00:20:33,650 --> 00:20:35,903
Honey, everybody up there thinks that I'm Alan's tailor.
591
00:20:36,028 --> 00:20:37,863
Rob, do you know what Alan is doing to you?
592
00:20:37,988 --> 00:20:39,072
Yeah, I know what he's doing to me.
593
00:20:39,198 --> 00:20:40,782
He's making a haberdasher out of me.
594
00:20:40,866 --> 00:20:43,827
He's stealing your brains, Rob.
595
00:20:43,911 --> 00:20:44,953
But not anymore.
596
00:20:45,037 --> 00:20:47,206
I'm going up there tomorrow and I'm going
to tell Alan that I'm no longer hiding
597
00:20:47,289 --> 00:20:48,790
my light under his bushel.
598
00:20:48,874 --> 00:20:50,042
Good for you.
599
00:20:50,125 --> 00:20:52,419
And if I'm going to do that rewrite,
I'm going to get credit just like Dave
600
00:20:52,544 --> 00:20:53,462
[inaudible] and Jack Doyle get. Right?
601
00:20:53,545 --> 00:20:54,880
Yay!
602
00:20:54,963 --> 00:20:56,381
And if I say it with as much anger as I'm feeling right now,
603
00:20:56,507 --> 00:21:00,135
you will be able to run around the neighborhood
and say hey there, my husband's out of work!
604
00:21:05,057 --> 00:21:08,894
I'm so glad that you and Mr. Ben are friends.
605
00:21:09,019 --> 00:21:11,939
Well you're either his friend or his lunch.
606
00:21:12,064 --> 00:21:13,440
Wonderful dog, wonderful.
607
00:21:13,565 --> 00:21:17,361
He's all I have since Blossom passed away.
608
00:21:17,444 --> 00:21:19,738
Oh, how long were you married?
609
00:21:19,821 --> 00:21:21,907
Blossom was Mr. Ben's wife.
610
00:21:21,990 --> 00:21:23,826
Oh.
611
00:21:23,909 --> 00:21:24,743
I'm sorry Ben.
612
00:21:24,868 --> 00:21:25,786
I didn't know.
613
00:21:25,911 --> 00:21:27,162
Hey, Alan.
614
00:21:27,246 --> 00:21:28,580
I got-- oh, hi there.
615
00:21:28,664 --> 00:21:29,498
Hi.
616
00:21:29,581 --> 00:21:31,041
You know my tailor Vito Schneider.
617
00:21:31,124 --> 00:21:32,751
That's right, you ordered three suits.
618
00:21:32,835 --> 00:21:34,211
And a dinner jacket.
619
00:21:34,294 --> 00:21:35,420
- Yeah, that's right. - Alan, I want to talk to you.
620
00:21:35,546 --> 00:21:37,172
I see you're busy. - Oh, no, no, no, no.
621
00:21:37,256 --> 00:21:38,465
You go right ahead.
622
00:21:38,590 --> 00:21:41,760
You talk about your wardrobe while
I make a phone call to the theater.
623
00:21:41,844 --> 00:21:43,303
Why don't you use Mel's office?
624
00:21:43,428 --> 00:21:44,596
You'll be more comfortable in there.
625
00:21:44,680 --> 00:21:46,348
Thank you. Just make yourself at home.
626
00:21:46,431 --> 00:21:48,767
Mel, get out of your office! MEL: Well,
I've got to finish-- Shut up, Mel.
627
00:21:48,851 --> 00:21:50,060
MEL: Yes sir.
628
00:21:50,143 --> 00:21:51,436
Why did you come up when Harper was here?
629
00:21:51,562 --> 00:21:53,105
I'm sorry Alan. I don't know he was up here.
630
00:21:53,230 --> 00:21:55,816
But it doesn't make any difference because
I'm through with his job. I've had it.
631
00:21:55,941 --> 00:21:57,109
Oh, you've been talking to your wife.
632
00:21:57,192 --> 00:21:58,944
No, I've been talking to myself.
633
00:21:59,027 --> 00:22:00,529
That'll give you an idea of how upset I am.
634
00:22:00,612 --> 00:22:01,947
Look, can't we talk this over calmly?
635
00:22:02,072 --> 00:22:03,323
All right, all right.
636
00:22:03,448 --> 00:22:04,575
I'm calm.
637
00:22:04,658 --> 00:22:06,201
Mr. Yates has written a play which is not very good.
638
00:22:06,285 --> 00:22:07,786
Rob, not in front of Mr. Ben.
639
00:22:07,911 --> 00:22:09,121
The play is weak.
640
00:22:09,204 --> 00:22:10,455
What am I whispering in front of a dog for?
641
00:22:10,581 --> 00:22:11,957
Because he's smart and he bites.
642
00:22:12,040 --> 00:22:13,083
The play's no good.
643
00:22:13,167 --> 00:22:14,418
That play is not very good.
644
00:22:14,501 --> 00:22:16,670
It needs punching up with a good strong jokes.
645
00:22:16,795 --> 00:22:17,713
ALAN: Rob, that's cruel.
646
00:22:17,796 --> 00:22:18,714
He's a widower.
647
00:22:21,383 --> 00:22:24,428
A lot of playwrights need help with their first comedy.
648
00:22:24,511 --> 00:22:27,181
That's why there are guys like
[inaudible] and Doyle who come in.
649
00:22:27,306 --> 00:22:28,056
They saved a lot of shows.
650
00:22:28,140 --> 00:22:29,600
I know that Rob.
651
00:22:29,683 --> 00:22:32,102
And you also know that guys like [inaudible]
don't sneak around and hide in any closets.
652
00:22:32,186 --> 00:22:33,812
Look, I don't think Harper will go for you.
653
00:22:33,896 --> 00:22:34,730
I don't care.
654
00:22:34,813 --> 00:22:35,898
I'd go for me.
655
00:22:35,981 --> 00:22:36,940
Oh, hi Harp.
656
00:22:37,024 --> 00:22:39,193
Are you and Vito finished?
657
00:22:39,318 --> 00:22:40,319
Well, Mr. Yates.
658
00:22:40,402 --> 00:22:41,904
I am finished being a tailor.
659
00:22:41,987 --> 00:22:43,614
I happen to be a writer.
660
00:22:43,697 --> 00:22:45,991
Well, good for you.
661
00:22:46,074 --> 00:22:49,995
I told everyone that I was a writer
when I was nothing but a butcher boy.
662
00:22:50,078 --> 00:22:51,997
A butcher boy, a tailor.
663
00:22:52,122 --> 00:22:53,957
A writer can come from any old place.
664
00:22:54,041 --> 00:22:56,668
Now you keep right on trying Vito.
665
00:22:56,793 --> 00:22:57,794
You'll make it.
666
00:22:57,878 --> 00:22:59,046
Alan.
667
00:22:59,171 --> 00:23:01,173
Harper, would you sit down a moment?
668
00:23:01,256 --> 00:23:02,132
With Mr. Ben.
669
00:23:02,216 --> 00:23:03,133
Yeah, that's fine.
670
00:23:03,217 --> 00:23:04,343
What is it?
671
00:23:04,426 --> 00:23:05,594
Well, I've been thinking about Baby Fat.
672
00:23:05,677 --> 00:23:08,013
And well, I've got a suggestion to make.
673
00:23:08,096 --> 00:23:09,264
I don't know if you're going to like it.
674
00:23:09,348 --> 00:23:11,058
Actually, it's not my idea.
675
00:23:11,183 --> 00:23:12,434
It's Vito's here.
676
00:23:12,518 --> 00:23:16,772
Your tailor made a suggestion about my play?
677
00:23:16,855 --> 00:23:17,814
Yeah.
678
00:23:17,898 --> 00:23:19,066
Why don't you tell him, Vito?
679
00:23:19,191 --> 00:23:21,527
What sort of suggestion?
680
00:23:21,652 --> 00:23:22,778
[growling]
681
00:23:22,861 --> 00:23:23,695
Heel!
682
00:23:23,820 --> 00:23:27,032
I-- I-- You tell him Alan.
683
00:23:27,115 --> 00:23:31,703
What he was saying is that-- well, you know
there are play doctors like Jack Doyle and--
684
00:23:31,787 --> 00:23:32,788
HARPER: Now heel!
685
00:23:37,167 --> 00:23:39,920
And so he explained the whole thing to Harper.
686
00:23:40,045 --> 00:23:41,380
He told him that I was his writer.
687
00:23:41,463 --> 00:23:43,382
We discussed play doctors like [inaudible]
688
00:23:43,507 --> 00:23:46,009
who do a job on the up and up, no shame involved at all.
689
00:23:46,093 --> 00:23:47,261
Oh, that's great Rob.
690
00:23:47,386 --> 00:23:48,720
Now you can do the job with some dignity.
691
00:23:48,804 --> 00:23:50,430
Absolutely not.
692
00:23:50,556 --> 00:23:51,890
You're not going to do it?
693
00:23:52,015 --> 00:23:52,850
No sir.
694
00:23:52,933 --> 00:23:53,851
LAURA: Why?
695
00:23:53,934 --> 00:23:55,936
They hired Dave [inaudible]
696
00:23:56,061 --> 00:23:59,231
[inaudible] But you only used him as a for instance.
697
00:23:59,356 --> 00:24:00,232
Yeah, I know.
698
00:24:00,315 --> 00:24:01,483
LAURA: And they hired him?
699
00:24:01,567 --> 00:24:02,234
Yeah.
700
00:24:02,317 --> 00:24:03,569
All right?
701
00:24:03,694 --> 00:24:08,073
I said I like Dave [inaudible] and Harper Yates
said he loved Dave [inaudible] and he hired him.
702
00:24:08,198 --> 00:24:10,033
I guess it just wasn't meant to be.
703
00:24:10,117 --> 00:24:12,411
Well don't feel badly, Darling.
704
00:24:12,494 --> 00:24:13,537
Why?
705
00:24:13,620 --> 00:24:15,414
Harper Yates called and said he needs your help.
706
00:24:15,497 --> 00:24:16,748
Really?
707
00:24:16,874 --> 00:24:19,251
He said he wants the dinner jacket he ordered by Tuesday.
708
00:24:23,213 --> 00:24:28,927
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