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[theme music]
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ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show,"
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starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey
Amsterdam, Larry Mathews, and Mary Tyler Moore.
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Well, since you sold this gentleman 34 feet of pipe
and only delivered 28 feet, it would appear that you
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owe him 6 feet of pipe.
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Would you rather have the pipe or the money?
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I'd rather have the money, your honor.
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Then you will reimburse him for the cost of 6 feet of pipe.
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[thunk]
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Bailiff, may I see you a moment?
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He's not here yet.
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Good, then we'll win by default.
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I don't want it that way.
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I want the facts to prove us right and him wrong.
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The money's secondary, justice is primary.
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Even though it means missing a whole day's work?
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Honey, when you're dealing
with justice-- OK, OK, OK, OK.
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Here he is.
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Sit down, May.
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Boy, you just can't tell about people.
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He seemed like such a nice man.
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Yeah, so was Jack the Ripper until he started ripping.
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[bang]
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JUDGE: Order please.
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Next case.
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Petrie versus Wiley.
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Are the principles here?
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Yes, your honor.
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JUDGE: Step forward, please.
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Uh, your honor, I, uh, the plaintiff,
Robert Petrie, have not retained counsel.
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Speak up, please.
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Your honor, I, Robert Petrie,
the plaintiff, have not retained counsel.
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And I will represent myself in
this action if it please the court.
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The court is very pleased.
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We are pleased since only the defendant is
allowed to use an attorney in this court.
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Oh, I'm sorry.
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I didn't know that.
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I thought I had to make that announcement.
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It wasn't necessary, but thank you anyway.
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You're welcome.
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Do you want to strike what-- that, what I said.
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Consider it struck.
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Gentleman, it would be very prudent
if we began after the luncheon recess.
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Very prudent, your honor.
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[bang]
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Court is adjourned until 2 o'clock.
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BAILIFF: All rise.
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Nice judge.
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Rob, I still think you should have let
Marvin handle this for us out of court.
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Will you stop worrying.
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I got all the facts right in here, plus a few little tricks.
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All rise, Small Claim Court County
Westchester is now in session.
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Judge Nathaniel Taylor presiding.
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[bang]
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Be seated.
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Uh, Petrie versus Wiley.
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Mr. Petrie, you are the plaintiff.
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Emphatically, your honor.
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Will you present your case to the court please, and
keeping in mind that we have a very busy calendar.
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Thank you, your honor.
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I'm fully aware of your busy calendar, and I will
attempt at all times to be as brief, concise,
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and succinct as I possibly can.
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And now, I would like to give my opening
statement if it so please the court.
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It does not please the court.
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I beg your pardon, your honor.
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We do not make opening statements in this court.
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I have read your complaint.
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Oh, I'm terribly sorry, your honor.
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May I finish my statement?
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Oh, uh, yeah, proceed.
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Go ahead, sir.
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Will you please tell the court your side of the story.
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Thank you, your honor.
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Well, there are two-- two different
things involved in this case.
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First of all, a small amount of money, $80 to be exact,
and a very large amount of principle, I think,
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which is that it's a citizen's responsibility
to himself and to his community to seek justice
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where injustice has been done.
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Mr. Petrie, am I wrong?
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Or did you just sneak in part of your opening statement?
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Just the last two sentences, your honor.
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I left out a lot.
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Thank you.
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You want to strike, uh,
that was-- It's struck.
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I got two strikes against me.
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Well, the co-plaintiff Mrs. Petrie and I first became
involved with Mr. Wiley here about two months ago.
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Unknown to me, my wife had made a certain purchase
from Mr. Wiley, which will hereinafter be referred
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to as exhibit C through D.
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JUDGE: Mr. Petrie, what your wife
bought was four pillows, correct?
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Well, yes, your honor, exhibits A, B, C, and D.
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Well, since we're all agreed they're pillows, for
clarity's sake, just refer to them as pillows
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and leave all that A through D stuff to Perry Mason, huh?
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Sorry, your honor.
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I've never, uh, I've never spoken in court before.
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I understand, Mr. Petrie.
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Just relax and tell the story.
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Thank you, your honor.
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Well, as I said, my wife purchased these four
pillows from Mr. Wiley a couple of months ago.
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At the time, she-- she, uh, had no reason for believing there
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was anything wrong with them, until the night of the
day of the purchase of the pillows in question.
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Oh, honey, these feel great.
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Well, I certainly hope so, darling.
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The man guaranteed me they were absolutely perfect
for people like to scrunch up their pillows.
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Well, yeah, I'll tell you, I'll let you know
as soon as I get it all scrunched up here.
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Swell?
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Oh, the greatest.
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Oh, boy, aren't they good?
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Oh, honey, you are a great pillow buyer.
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Right?
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Goodnight.
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No kiss?
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I just got it all scrunched up right.
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Well, I'll have to rescrunch it, that's all.
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Goodnight.
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Goodnight.
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Goodnight.
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Honey-- Yes.
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You, uh-- you smell anything?
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Yes, I do, Rob.
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What is it?
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Very peculiar.
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[sniffs]
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LAURA: What in the-- - The pillows.
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[sniffs]
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It is.
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What in the world is that smell?
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Chickens.
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No, duck down.
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Huh?
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Rob, the man said that these were
the finest eiderdown pillows made.
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Eiderdown?
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Yes, it's the down from Eider ducks.
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Look, see, it says so right here on the label, eiderdown.
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Yeah.
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That's supposed to be the best thing in
the world for sleeping. - Oh, they are?
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Well, how about a piece of Limburger cheese?
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Well, we've had eiderdown pillows before.
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They never smelled like this.
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Yeah, well, the duck who got rid of these and make
a pillow must be the happiest duck in the world.
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Those are chickens.
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[sniffs]
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Could be chickens.
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I guess they smell alike.
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Well, they hang around together.
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Well, I'll just have to return them.
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Where are the old pillars.
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I sent them out to be cleaned.
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Honey, didn't you smell those before you bought them?
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Well, Rob, would you really expect me to?
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No, I guess-- I guess not.
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Well, this is going to be some great night.
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Oh, darling, look, it's not that horrible.
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They say it's good for you to sleep without a pillow.
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Sure, it is, if you sleep on your back.
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Now, your honor, my wife sleeps on her back, as you know.
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I mean, well, I said she sleeps on her back.
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Uh, you see, the night wasn't too bad for her.
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But I woke up the next morning, I had a stiff neck.
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Mr. Petrie, this information is
not relevant to your complaint.
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Well, your honor, I feel that these factors are all
contributory in my dissatisfaction of Mr. Wiley
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here.
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Mr. Wiley, you heard Mr. Petrie's story.
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Yes, your honor, about 20 times.
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Your honor, I'm not finished yet.
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Sit down, please, Mr. Petrie.
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Mr. Wiley, do you have any comment
on Mr. Petrie's story thus far?
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Yes, your honor.
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I can only say that I did sell the Petries four pillows.
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Now, what happened after they went to sleep, I don't know.
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I mean, I wasn't there when they went to bed.
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And I certainly don't go around peeking through windows.
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[chuckles]
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The next day, Mrs. Petrie called and
said, the pillows smell from chickens.
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Well, for all I know, they might have
been eaten cold chicken legs in bed.
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I don't eat in bed.
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Mm-hmm.
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Well, maybe a banana once in a while.
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Mr. Petrie, uh, what was Mr Wiley's response when
you told him the pillows smelled of chicken.
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Well, your honor, rather than give hearsay evidence,
I'd like to call my first witness to the stand.
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In the small claims court, we do not have a witness stand.
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Oh, that's-- I-- well, in that case,
I'd like to call my first witness to stand.
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The, uh, co-plaintiff and my wife, Mrs. Laura Petrie.
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Uh, where-- where do I go?
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Do I do mine from here?
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Or in-- Come in and do it.
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Very well, proceed. .
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And remember, Mrs. Petrie, you are under oath.
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Yes, I understand that, your honor.
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Uh, be seated.
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Oh, uh, be seated?
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Be seated.
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Be seated.
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Uh, would you state your name and address, please?
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Well, Rob, they-- He's right, Mrs.
Petrie.
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We need it for the court record.
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Oh, uh, well, it's Mrs. Laura Petrie, 148
Bonnie Meadow Road, New Rochelle, New York.
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Thank you.
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Now, Mrs. Petrie, at the time of the aforementioned purchase,
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did you live at that address
with the co-plaintiff Rob Petrie?
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Huh?
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Am I-- am I out of order, your honor?
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It's not your fault, Mr. Petrie.
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00:10:54,154 --> 00:10:54,821
It's television.
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You think you're a lawyer.
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I think I'm a doctor.
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Please proceed.
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Well-- [clears throat]
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Now, Mrs. Petrie, the defendant has already
admitted that you telephoned him complaining
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about the chicken-smelling pillows.
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Would you now, to the best of your recollection and
in your own words, tell us what transpired and ensued
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during that telephone call, keeping in
mind at all times that you are under oath?
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Just tell what happened on the phone.
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Oh, uh, well, um, the following morning, I
called Mr. Wiley and told him that the pillows
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smelled like chickens.
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And, uh, he said that that was impossible.
215
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But-- but then I said that both our noses couldn't
be wrong and that we wanted to exchange the pillows.
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What did he say?
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Well, he said that, uh, he would come over
that evening and see what the trouble was.
218
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Then Mr. Wiley was being very cooperative.
219
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Your honor, I object.
220
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You what?
221
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Well, I'm begging your pardon, your honor.
222
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Isn't that leading the witness?
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Just tell it your own way, Mrs. Petrie.
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Proceed.
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Well, um, that evening sometime, after
dinner, Mr. Wiley arrived at our house.
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[clears throat]
227
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--and, uh--
228
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Now, what seems to be the trouble, folks?
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Uh, well, it's what I told you on the phone.
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I'll go get them.
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Darnedest thing, they smell like chickens.
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Chickens?
233
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Well, I find that hard to believe, Mr. Petrie.
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You'll see.
235
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Here we go.
236
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There we are.
237
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Too bad too.
238
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They were good pillows, real scrunchers.
239
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[sniffs]
240
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Chickens, right?
241
00:12:50,354 --> 00:12:51,438
No.
242
00:12:51,563 --> 00:12:53,482
Oh, well, what is it you smell?
243
00:12:53,565 --> 00:12:54,483
[sniffing]
244
00:12:55,692 --> 00:12:57,486
Nothing.
245
00:12:57,569 --> 00:12:58,904
You don't smell anything?
246
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No, not a thing.
247
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Here, let me try that one.
248
00:13:01,990 --> 00:13:05,369
Yeah, maybe you didn't smell it correctly.
249
00:13:05,452 --> 00:13:07,246
Have to use your nose and breathe in.
250
00:13:11,583 --> 00:13:13,085
[sniffing]
251
00:13:15,838 --> 00:13:17,923
I don't smell a thing.
252
00:13:18,048 --> 00:13:19,883
I don't understand that at all.
253
00:13:19,967 --> 00:13:21,885
Have you got a cold or hay fever or something?
254
00:13:21,969 --> 00:13:23,095
No, sir.
255
00:13:23,178 --> 00:13:24,555
Now, it could be your imagination.
256
00:13:24,638 --> 00:13:25,848
[stammers] that's silly.
257
00:13:25,931 --> 00:13:27,766
How could both of us imagine the same thing?
258
00:13:27,850 --> 00:13:29,810
Hmm, I don't understand that.
259
00:13:29,935 --> 00:13:32,437
Tell you what, I'll go out and get
my wife and let her take a sniff.
260
00:13:32,563 --> 00:13:33,605
Your wife?
261
00:13:33,730 --> 00:13:36,316
Yeah, she's waiting out in the car.
262
00:13:36,441 --> 00:13:37,276
WILEY: May.
263
00:13:37,359 --> 00:13:40,028
Rob, this is not my imagination.
264
00:13:40,112 --> 00:13:41,572
And how can he not smell that?
265
00:13:41,655 --> 00:13:43,156
I don't know.
266
00:13:43,282 --> 00:13:45,117
Unless he doesn't want to smell it.
267
00:13:45,242 --> 00:13:46,869
Do you think he's trying to gyp us?
268
00:13:46,952 --> 00:13:49,037
Could be.
269
00:13:49,121 --> 00:13:50,622
Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Petrie.
270
00:13:50,747 --> 00:13:52,124
This is my wife, May.
271
00:13:52,207 --> 00:13:52,916
Hello.
272
00:13:52,926 --> 00:13:54,042
How do you do, Mrs. Wiley?
273
00:13:54,126 --> 00:13:56,503
Uh, plea-- pleased to meet you.
274
00:13:56,628 --> 00:13:57,546
Nice place you got here.
275
00:13:57,629 --> 00:13:58,922
Well, thank you.
276
00:13:59,006 --> 00:14:00,966
Uh, can I get you something, a cup of coffee?
277
00:14:01,049 --> 00:14:02,593
No, uh, just let her smell the pillows.
278
00:14:02,676 --> 00:14:03,719
And then we have to go.
279
00:14:03,802 --> 00:14:05,262
ROB: Oh, here are go, Mrs. Wiley.
280
00:14:05,345 --> 00:14:06,513
[sniffs]
281
00:14:06,638 --> 00:14:07,472
I don't smell no chicken.
282
00:14:07,598 --> 00:14:08,765
You see?
283
00:14:08,849 --> 00:14:10,100
Well, I don't know what to tell you folks.
284
00:14:10,184 --> 00:14:11,518
It's two against two.
285
00:14:11,643 --> 00:14:15,147
Two agai-- Mr. Wiley,
this isn't a popularity contest.
286
00:14:15,230 --> 00:14:16,481
We didn't make this up.
287
00:14:16,607 --> 00:14:17,399
We liked the pillows.
288
00:14:17,482 --> 00:14:18,317
We'd like to keep them.
289
00:14:18,442 --> 00:14:19,985
But they smell.
290
00:14:20,110 --> 00:14:21,778
Why don't you keep them for a few days?
291
00:14:21,862 --> 00:14:23,071
Keep them?
292
00:14:23,155 --> 00:14:25,240
You know, it could have been the
packing, something from the carton.
293
00:14:25,324 --> 00:14:26,658
The carton?
294
00:14:26,783 --> 00:14:28,118
Yeah, I'll tell you what.
295
00:14:28,202 --> 00:14:30,537
Uh, you keep them out in the open air for a few days.
296
00:14:30,662 --> 00:14:32,706
And if you still think they smell, let me know.
297
00:14:32,831 --> 00:14:33,832
And you'll exchange them.
298
00:14:33,957 --> 00:14:35,167
So you just let me know, folks.
299
00:14:35,292 --> 00:14:36,335
Don't worry about a thing.
300
00:14:36,418 --> 00:14:37,294
Laura?
301
00:14:37,377 --> 00:14:38,879
Well, I guess that's fair enough.
302
00:14:39,004 --> 00:14:40,881
And we'll just borrow some pillows in the meantime.
303
00:14:41,006 --> 00:14:43,050
Well, we'll, uh, keep them, Mr. Wiley.
304
00:14:43,175 --> 00:14:44,009
We'll let you know.
305
00:14:44,092 --> 00:14:45,093
Thanks for coming up.
306
00:14:45,177 --> 00:14:46,261
Oh, it's no trouble at all.
307
00:14:46,345 --> 00:14:47,012
Goodnight folks.
308
00:14:47,095 --> 00:14:48,138
LAURA: Goodnight.
309
00:14:48,222 --> 00:14:49,973
It's a nice place you got here.
310
00:14:50,057 --> 00:14:51,183
Come on, May.
311
00:14:55,187 --> 00:14:59,066
Rob, I don't care what he says, I smell chickens.
312
00:14:59,191 --> 00:15:02,528
I think I smell a rat.
313
00:15:02,653 --> 00:15:06,281
Mrs. Petrie, what did Mr. Wiley do
or say that made you suspicious?
314
00:15:06,365 --> 00:15:10,577
Well-- Your honor, I-- I think since I
was the one who was originally suspicious,
315
00:15:10,702 --> 00:15:11,745
I should answer that question.
316
00:15:11,870 --> 00:15:12,871
Go ahead, Mr. Preston.
317
00:15:12,955 --> 00:15:14,873
Thank you.
318
00:15:14,957 --> 00:15:16,166
Petrie.
319
00:15:16,250 --> 00:15:17,709
Oh, uh, of course.
320
00:15:17,835 --> 00:15:19,169
Proceed.
321
00:15:19,253 --> 00:15:23,549
Well, what, uh, first made me suspicious
about him was the way he ran his business.
322
00:15:23,674 --> 00:15:27,219
He was very evasive about where he got the pillars, you know?
323
00:15:27,344 --> 00:15:28,554
He doesn't work out of a store.
324
00:15:28,679 --> 00:15:31,515
He kind of operates out of the trunk of his car.
325
00:15:31,598 --> 00:15:35,018
Frankly, I was all surprised when my wife
bought anything from him in the first place.
326
00:15:35,102 --> 00:15:36,436
Oh, well, I told you why I did, dear.
327
00:15:36,562 --> 00:15:38,105
He was recommended by the Parkers.
328
00:15:38,230 --> 00:15:41,358
There's something else I don't understand, they're
new in the neighborhood. We didn't even know them.
329
00:15:41,441 --> 00:15:42,359
That's it.
330
00:15:42,442 --> 00:15:43,485
See, I was trying to be neighborly.
331
00:15:43,569 --> 00:15:44,570
And I wanted-- [bang]
332
00:15:44,653 --> 00:15:47,197
Will you please settle that out of court?
333
00:15:50,284 --> 00:15:52,411
I'm sorry, your honor.
334
00:15:52,536 --> 00:15:56,331
Anyway, we aired those pills out for several days on the patio.
335
00:15:56,415 --> 00:15:59,835
And they still smell like chicken.
336
00:15:59,918 --> 00:16:01,587
That's only his opinion your honor.
337
00:16:01,670 --> 00:16:05,174
Sit down, you.
338
00:16:05,257 --> 00:16:06,758
Your honor, it isn't only my opinion.
339
00:16:06,842 --> 00:16:09,094
That is a point I would like to make, if it pleases the court.
340
00:16:09,219 --> 00:16:14,975
Anything that you do from now on that will
speed up this trial will thrill the court.
341
00:16:15,100 --> 00:16:16,560
Thank you, your honor.
342
00:16:16,643 --> 00:16:20,856
Well, [clears throat] a few days later,
we tried to contact Mr. Wiley on the phone.
343
00:16:20,939 --> 00:16:22,399
He was never in.
344
00:16:22,482 --> 00:16:26,361
We began to think that we'd probably
never see our money or him again.
345
00:16:26,445 --> 00:16:30,699
That evening, we had some friends over, and we were
in the middle of discussing what game we'd play.
346
00:16:30,782 --> 00:16:33,368
All right, listen, what about the charades of cards?
347
00:16:33,452 --> 00:16:35,954
Oh, Rob and I played a great game last week.
348
00:16:36,038 --> 00:16:38,790
What was that? You know-- Oh,
the ga-- it was a guessing game.
349
00:16:38,874 --> 00:16:39,917
- Yeah. - OK, let's play.
350
00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:41,126
[phone rings] - Hey, that's it.
351
00:16:41,210 --> 00:16:43,962
We're supposed to guess who called.
352
00:16:44,046 --> 00:16:45,714
Hello.
353
00:16:45,797 --> 00:16:47,090
Oh, Mr. Wiley.
354
00:16:47,174 --> 00:16:48,509
Well, that's a surprise.
355
00:16:48,634 --> 00:16:50,052
Yeah, I'd have never guessed Wiley.
356
00:16:50,135 --> 00:16:52,971
What's that?
357
00:16:53,055 --> 00:16:56,099
Yeah, we've been trying to get
you for several days, Mr. Wiley.
358
00:16:56,183 --> 00:16:57,809
No, they still smell.
359
00:16:57,935 --> 00:16:59,978
First clue, they smell.
360
00:17:00,062 --> 00:17:01,313
What?
361
00:17:01,396 --> 00:17:03,148
Oh, yes, we did, on the patio for three days.
362
00:17:03,232 --> 00:17:07,152
Second clue, it smells on the patio.
363
00:17:07,277 --> 00:17:08,403
I'll tell you what you can do for us.
364
00:17:08,487 --> 00:17:10,948
You can bring over some new
ones, and take the old ones back.
365
00:17:11,031 --> 00:17:13,033
Hey, you know, this ain't a bad
game once you get the hang of it?
366
00:17:13,158 --> 00:17:14,159
Yeah, I like it.
367
00:17:14,284 --> 00:17:16,662
Look, Mr. Wiley-- no, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
368
00:17:16,745 --> 00:17:19,832
Look, I don't like to do business this way, but
if you don't give us some kind of satisfaction,
369
00:17:19,915 --> 00:17:21,834
I'm going to have to call and stop payment on that check.
370
00:17:21,959 --> 00:17:24,378
Now, how do you like that?
371
00:17:24,503 --> 00:17:26,296
Oh, it has.
372
00:17:26,380 --> 00:17:28,966
Well look, you're going to have to do something.
373
00:17:29,049 --> 00:17:29,883
Hello?
374
00:17:30,008 --> 00:17:31,051
Hello?
375
00:17:31,176 --> 00:17:32,511
He did something.
376
00:17:32,636 --> 00:17:34,054
[interposing voices]
377
00:17:34,179 --> 00:17:35,055
Hold it.
378
00:17:35,180 --> 00:17:36,598
Rob, did he hang up on you?
379
00:17:36,682 --> 00:17:37,349
Yes, he did.
380
00:17:37,432 --> 00:17:38,475
He's a crook, all right.
381
00:17:38,559 --> 00:17:39,852
Will you tell us what's going on?
382
00:17:39,935 --> 00:17:41,186
It's that Wiley guy.
383
00:17:41,311 --> 00:17:42,646
Wait a minute. I'll show you.
384
00:17:42,729 --> 00:17:43,647
Who's Wiley.
385
00:17:43,730 --> 00:17:46,692
Well, it's a kind of a strange story.
386
00:17:46,775 --> 00:17:48,485
Buddy, smell that.
387
00:17:48,569 --> 00:17:51,822
Is this the same game or a new one.
388
00:17:51,905 --> 00:17:53,031
Well, just smell that.
389
00:17:53,115 --> 00:17:54,157
And then you tell me what you smell.
390
00:17:54,241 --> 00:17:55,200
What am I supposed to smell?
391
00:17:55,284 --> 00:17:56,660
Oh, don't tell him, darling.
392
00:17:56,743 --> 00:17:58,162
It'll influence him.
393
00:17:58,245 --> 00:17:59,288
OK, then smell it.
394
00:17:59,371 --> 00:18:01,331
And whisper to me what you smell.
395
00:18:01,415 --> 00:18:04,918
Why do I always have to be the first.
396
00:18:05,043 --> 00:18:07,171
Because you're expendable.
397
00:18:07,254 --> 00:18:08,338
Come on, Buddy.
398
00:18:08,422 --> 00:18:09,673
We really need your help.
399
00:18:09,756 --> 00:18:12,467
Now, smell it, whisper to me what
you smell, and then pass it to Sally.
400
00:18:12,551 --> 00:18:14,178
Oh, Rob, can't we each have our own pillow?
401
00:18:14,261 --> 00:18:15,387
ALL: Yeah.
402
00:18:18,682 --> 00:18:19,892
I'll got get them.
403
00:18:20,017 --> 00:18:21,226
He's going to get the other three.
404
00:18:21,310 --> 00:18:23,187
Buddy, would you smell it, please.
405
00:18:23,270 --> 00:18:26,565
No, I'd rather wait for my friends.
406
00:18:26,690 --> 00:18:27,941
Look-- oh, good.
407
00:18:28,066 --> 00:18:31,570
Now, Rob and I bought these pillows,
and we claim that they have an odor.
408
00:18:31,695 --> 00:18:34,656
But the man who sold them to us says they don't.
409
00:18:34,740 --> 00:18:36,366
You just smell them and tell us what you smell.
410
00:18:36,450 --> 00:18:39,119
See, it'll help us to know
whether we're right or he's right.
411
00:18:39,244 --> 00:18:40,078
Just smell?
412
00:18:40,204 --> 00:18:41,663
LAURA: Please.
413
00:18:41,747 --> 00:18:43,373
[sniffing]
414
00:18:45,167 --> 00:18:46,376
What is this?
415
00:18:46,460 --> 00:18:48,253
I hope it's not as bad as this.
416
00:18:48,337 --> 00:18:49,880
Let me try yours.
417
00:18:52,883 --> 00:18:53,967
Smells like the first one.
418
00:18:54,092 --> 00:18:54,927
Phew.
419
00:18:55,010 --> 00:18:55,886
Phew is right.
420
00:18:55,969 --> 00:18:58,972
Let me try yours.
421
00:18:59,097 --> 00:19:00,265
What is that?
422
00:19:00,390 --> 00:19:01,225
Wait a minute.
423
00:19:01,308 --> 00:19:02,100
I got it.
424
00:19:02,226 --> 00:19:03,852
I got it.
425
00:19:03,936 --> 00:19:04,978
- Right. - Right.
426
00:19:05,103 --> 00:19:05,938
I win.
427
00:19:06,063 --> 00:19:06,939
All right, wait a minute.
428
00:19:09,691 --> 00:19:11,443
ROB: So your honor, with the corroborating evidence
429
00:19:11,527 --> 00:19:15,030
of my friends and neighbors, we tried to get in touch with Mr.
430
00:19:15,113 --> 00:19:17,115
Wiley here, but in vain.
431
00:19:17,199 --> 00:19:19,409
You know, we finally decided why he was so cooperative the night
432
00:19:19,493 --> 00:19:23,080
he showed up at our house was because
the check had not yet cleared.
433
00:19:23,163 --> 00:19:24,164
Your honor.
434
00:19:24,289 --> 00:19:25,707
Yes, Mr. Wiley.
435
00:19:25,791 --> 00:19:28,669
First, I resent his dispersions on my character.
436
00:19:28,794 --> 00:19:31,296
Second, it's still his word against mine.
437
00:19:31,421 --> 00:19:32,714
He's right, you know.
438
00:19:32,798 --> 00:19:34,049
I was perfectly prepared for that, your honor.
439
00:19:34,132 --> 00:19:36,969
I thought you might be.
440
00:19:37,094 --> 00:19:43,267
I now submit exhibits E, F, G, and H, signed by my
honest friends and neighbors attesting to the fact
441
00:19:43,350 --> 00:19:45,936
that they smell ducks and/or chickens.
442
00:19:46,019 --> 00:19:48,730
Bailiff, would you present that to his honor, please?
443
00:19:48,814 --> 00:19:51,024
Still doesn't mean anything, your honor.
444
00:19:51,149 --> 00:19:52,484
They're his friends.
445
00:19:52,609 --> 00:19:54,361
I could get four friends that say they don't smell it.
446
00:19:54,486 --> 00:19:55,904
I can get all the friends you want.
447
00:19:55,988 --> 00:19:58,574
Mr. Petrie, these, uh, uh, statements are inadmissible.
448
00:19:58,657 --> 00:20:00,659
They're not notarized or given under oath.
449
00:20:00,784 --> 00:20:03,912
Oh, well, I'm, uh-- sorry
about that slip up, your honor.
450
00:20:03,996 --> 00:20:06,707
But I still have A, B-- A, B-- uh,
the pillows to submit in evidence.
451
00:20:06,832 --> 00:20:08,167
I suppose you want me to smell them.
452
00:20:08,250 --> 00:20:09,084
- No, your honor. - No?
453
00:20:09,168 --> 00:20:10,002
No?
454
00:20:10,085 --> 00:20:11,378
No.
455
00:20:11,503 --> 00:20:14,256
While we were waiting for this case
to come before your honorable bench,
456
00:20:14,339 --> 00:20:16,341
sir, that somehow the pillows stopped smelling.
457
00:20:16,466 --> 00:20:19,970
Your honor, I'd like to enter a plea of insanity.
458
00:20:20,053 --> 00:20:22,723
What?
459
00:20:22,848 --> 00:20:23,682
He's crazy.
460
00:20:23,765 --> 00:20:24,600
[bang]
461
00:20:24,683 --> 00:20:27,811
You do that once more,
and you'll be fined for contempt of court.
462
00:20:27,895 --> 00:20:29,021
Sorry, your honor.
463
00:20:29,146 --> 00:20:30,856
Mr. Petrie, if the pillows have stopped smelling,
464
00:20:30,939 --> 00:20:32,691
you have no case, and there's no reason for you being here.
465
00:20:32,774 --> 00:20:34,568
Well, your honor, maybe the pillows still don't smell.
466
00:20:34,693 --> 00:20:37,404
But Mr. Wiley's way of doing business certainly does.
467
00:20:37,529 --> 00:20:38,822
Your a witness, your honor.
468
00:20:38,906 --> 00:20:40,032
I may take him to court.
469
00:20:40,157 --> 00:20:41,742
Quiet.
470
00:20:41,867 --> 00:20:46,455
Mr. Petrie, I'm afraid you have no case unless
you have something more substantial as evidence.
471
00:20:46,538 --> 00:20:52,503
Well, uh, your honor, would the introduction of an
indication of misrepresentation be a substantiation?
472
00:20:55,923 --> 00:20:57,257
Of what?
473
00:20:57,382 --> 00:20:58,884
Well, um, of my case.
474
00:20:59,009 --> 00:21:01,637
If you can prove misrepresentation, it may.
475
00:21:01,720 --> 00:21:02,679
May what?
476
00:21:05,182 --> 00:21:08,101
What you said before.
477
00:21:08,227 --> 00:21:09,520
Oh. Oh.
478
00:21:09,603 --> 00:21:10,812
Oh, thank you, your honor.
479
00:21:10,896 --> 00:21:11,897
That's wonderful.
480
00:21:11,980 --> 00:21:16,818
I now submit, your honor, my most
damaging piece of evidence, exhibit I.
481
00:21:16,902 --> 00:21:21,573
Mr. Petrie, is it your intention
to run through the entire alphabet?
482
00:21:21,657 --> 00:21:23,909
No, sir, I is the last for me.
483
00:21:24,034 --> 00:21:27,162
I don't know what letters he intends using.
484
00:21:27,246 --> 00:21:29,081
JUDGE: Continue.
485
00:21:29,164 --> 00:21:32,376
That, your honor, is a sworn statement by an independent
486
00:21:32,459 --> 00:21:35,838
testing laboratory-- one you've seen on
many television commercials, I'm sure--
487
00:21:35,921 --> 00:21:41,760
stating that the pillows which were represented by
Mr. Wiley, the defendant, as being 100% eiderdown,
488
00:21:41,844 --> 00:21:46,932
are in actuality 12% eiderdown and 88%
489
00:21:47,015 --> 00:21:48,976
chopped chicken feathers.
490
00:21:49,101 --> 00:21:50,060
I object, your honor.
491
00:21:50,143 --> 00:21:51,103
[bang]
492
00:21:51,186 --> 00:21:52,104
Quiet!
493
00:21:54,189 --> 00:21:56,108
Chopped chicken feathers?
494
00:21:56,191 --> 00:21:57,651
Yes, your honor.
495
00:21:57,776 --> 00:22:00,112
Cheap, chopped chicken feathers.
496
00:22:08,537 --> 00:22:09,788
I rest my case.
497
00:22:09,913 --> 00:22:12,791
Oh, and it also says on the there
that they were improperly processed,
498
00:22:12,875 --> 00:22:14,418
which means that's what caused the smell.
499
00:22:14,501 --> 00:22:16,128
I can read, Mr. Petrie.
500
00:22:16,211 --> 00:22:17,212
Well, uh, I know that.
501
00:22:17,296 --> 00:22:21,633
I thought maybe the audie-- the spectator-- I
thought maybe they'd like to hear, uh, whatever.
502
00:22:21,758 --> 00:22:27,472
I would now like to present in
evidence, sir, exhibit or pillow B.
503
00:22:27,556 --> 00:22:30,475
Well, I-- I-- I don't really
think that would be necessary
504
00:22:30,559 --> 00:22:35,480
if the facts contained in this statement are
accurate, uh, it, uh-- it should be enough.
505
00:22:35,606 --> 00:22:37,566
They are accurate, your honor, absolutely.
506
00:22:37,649 --> 00:22:42,321
And once you see this-- this is the very pillow--
you will realize it is obviously not eiderdown,
507
00:22:42,404 --> 00:22:44,323
but simply a cheap chopped chicken feathers.
508
00:22:44,406 --> 00:22:46,325
I told you not to bring that up here.
509
00:22:46,408 --> 00:22:47,534
[achoo]
510
00:22:47,659 --> 00:22:48,702
Are you allergic to chicken feathers?
511
00:22:48,827 --> 00:22:50,245
- Yes, I'm-- - That's further proof.
512
00:22:50,329 --> 00:22:51,497
[thunk]
513
00:22:53,123 --> 00:22:55,334
Get them away from me [achoo]
514
00:22:55,417 --> 00:22:58,128
Get them away from here.
515
00:22:58,212 --> 00:22:59,129
He's nuts, your honor.
516
00:22:59,213 --> 00:23:00,005
I told you.
517
00:23:00,130 --> 00:23:01,507
He's nuts.
518
00:23:01,632 --> 00:23:05,844
The court decides in favor of the
plaintiff in the amount of $80.
519
00:23:05,928 --> 00:23:06,595
[achoo]
520
00:23:06,678 --> 00:23:08,472
[interposing voices]
521
00:23:09,348 --> 00:23:13,519
I would like to thank the court for it's honest
and sincere-- Mr. Petrie, court is adjourned.
522
00:23:13,644 --> 00:23:15,687
I should have been a doctor.
523
00:23:15,771 --> 00:23:16,730
[achoo]
524
00:23:20,192 --> 00:23:23,987
And when you watch these, don't forget to
set the machine at delicate, warm only.
525
00:23:24,071 --> 00:23:25,072
No, I won't.
526
00:23:25,197 --> 00:23:28,242
Ah, Mrs. Petrie, may you and your husband
spent many happy years under those blankets.
527
00:23:28,367 --> 00:23:29,576
Well, thank you very much.
528
00:23:29,701 --> 00:23:31,036
- Goodbye, Mrs. Petrie. - Bye.
529
00:23:31,119 --> 00:23:31,954
Hello, Mr. Petrie.
530
00:23:32,037 --> 00:23:32,996
Hello.
531
00:23:33,080 --> 00:23:34,998
Bye.
532
00:23:35,082 --> 00:23:36,083
[door closes]
533
00:23:36,875 --> 00:23:38,126
Wasn't that my defendant?
534
00:23:38,210 --> 00:23:40,128
Uh, yes, uh, that was he.
535
00:23:40,212 --> 00:23:41,964
What was-- wh-- what are those?
536
00:23:42,047 --> 00:23:43,006
Uh, blankets.
537
00:23:43,090 --> 00:23:43,757
I can see that.
538
00:23:43,882 --> 00:23:44,883
Where did they come from?
539
00:23:44,967 --> 00:23:46,885
Uh, sheep mostly.
540
00:23:47,010 --> 00:23:48,971
Honey, you bought those blankets from that man.
541
00:23:49,054 --> 00:23:50,389
Oh, Rob, please.
542
00:23:50,472 --> 00:23:53,225
It took all of my legal skills bringing that
man to justice, and you're dealing with him.
543
00:23:53,350 --> 00:23:54,393
Rob, listen.
544
00:23:54,476 --> 00:23:55,561
The man came here.
545
00:23:55,644 --> 00:23:56,979
He was practically in tears.
546
00:23:57,062 --> 00:23:59,690
He just-- he begged me and pleaded to be forgiven.
547
00:23:59,773 --> 00:24:02,901
Look, you are the one who has always
said that criminals can be rehabilitated
548
00:24:03,026 --> 00:24:05,237
and should be given a second chance.
549
00:24:05,320 --> 00:24:06,446
What was the discount?
550
00:24:06,572 --> 00:24:09,408
50% cheaper than the discount stores.
551
00:24:09,533 --> 00:24:10,742
But that wasn't the reason, darling.
552
00:24:10,826 --> 00:24:12,911
I did it because I felt sorry for him.
553
00:24:12,995 --> 00:24:14,580
Mm-hmm, what if those are faulty?
554
00:24:14,705 --> 00:24:15,497
There's no problem.
555
00:24:15,581 --> 00:24:16,415
None, whatsoever.
556
00:24:16,540 --> 00:24:18,208
He gave us a guarantee.
557
00:24:18,292 --> 00:24:19,751
What kind of a guarantee?
558
00:24:19,835 --> 00:24:22,963
He said that if anything goes wrong with these blankets,
559
00:24:23,088 --> 00:24:25,924
that you can always take him to court and beat him again.
560
00:24:37,227 --> 00:24:40,981
[music playing]42764
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