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[theme music]
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PRESENTER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show."
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Starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry
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Matthew and Mary Tyler Moore.
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Come on, let's come up with something.
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What was the idea you had at lunch, Buddy?
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You mean about us getting a jelly donut
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and splitting three ways?
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No, idea you head for the big middle sketch.
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Well, that was his idea.
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We do a sketch about three bums trying
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to split up a jelly donut without anybody
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getting a dry piece.
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Was that my idea?
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I thought it was Rob's.
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What difference whose idea it was?
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Is it any good?
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I think it's great.
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For one thing, it'll help us service
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Alan and the two guest stars.
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And I think Alan can be very funny
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tapping the donut like a doctor looking for the jelly part.
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Hey, or else you can get a Geiger counter, you know,
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and it only count to the Geiger's in jelly.
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Oh, come on fellas, I can't do a sketch about a jelly donut.
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Why not?
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Because I just had spaghetti and I'm full.
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So get yourself an Italian stomach pump.
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What do you say, let's pile into the monologue, please?
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I will do the monologue tonight after dinner.
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I thought you and Pickles were having guests tonight.
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No guests, just my mother-in-law and her sister.
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Well, what do you consider them?
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Invaders.
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All right then, you do the monologue at home tonight, OK.
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Hey, it'll give me a chance to run to the den
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and get away from the locusts.
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[phone ringing]
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Telephone is ringing, Rob.
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Grab the phone.
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Oh, thank you.
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Hello?
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Oh hi, Mel.
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Who?
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Why?
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What?
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Oh, the next one's got to be when?
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Where?
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Now comes when when.
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When?
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Well, Mel my first thought would be to say no to--
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well, would you me think it over?
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Well, yeah, how about in the morning?
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I'll give you an answer.
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I know that, Mel.
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All right.
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Yeah, bye.
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Oh, where were we?
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What old sexpot want?
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Oh, it's nothing.
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Just a little annoyance.
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Oh, we've got plenty of annoyances.
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We got three sketches and a monologue.
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Yeah, and I got a hole on my sock.
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Look at that.
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All right, let's get some work done before you
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spring one in your head.
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Hey, Rob you on the level about that jelly donut bit?
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Are you on the level about it?
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Yes I'm on the level about it.
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What do you think?
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Oh, yeah sure let's-- yeah, let's-- yeah.
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OK, thanks a lot.
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18, 19, 20, 21 books and they're all filled.
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Well, what do you want to get with these trading
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stamps, darling?
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Rob?
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Huh?
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You all right?
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Yeah I'm fine except for the fact
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that my tongue is stuck in my teeth.
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I'm fine.
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Why don't you use the sponge I gave you?
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Where?
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Well, I gave you one, Rob.
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You glued it to the book.
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Well, what do you want to get with the stamps?
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Well, I don't know. How many books you got?
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- 21. - Well, let's see.
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Two more books you can trade it in for the catalog.
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Oh, Rob.
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Millie had a kind of an original idea.
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She's going to use her stamps to paper for one
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of the walls in the playroom.
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Isn't that cute?
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Yeah, that's just fine but they're
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going to live in constant fear that somebody breaks
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in and steals the whole wall.
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Well, for 32 books they can get a watchdog.
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Now, what's on your mind?
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How did you know something was on my mind?
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Because all through dinner your forehead was all wrinkled
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and you kept going, "hhey".
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Hhey.
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See?
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You did it again.
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Well, Mel called me this morning
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with something of a problem, had to do
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with Buddy and Sally and me.
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And I made a decision without consulting them.
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You do that all the time, don't you?
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Yeah, but this is a little bit different.
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"Manhattan" magazine wants to do a big article on the "Alan
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Brady Show" and they want to send a reporter
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and then sit down and watch us write.
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And?
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Well, I just wonder if I was right in making
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a decision on that without consulting Buddy and Sally.
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Well, I certainly think it would be all right.
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Yeah, that's the way I felt about it.
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After all I'm the head writer.
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I am responsible for what goes on in that writing room.
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That's true but I can't see you can't discuss it with them.
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Well, I was scared to death they'd talk me into letting
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a reporter come in there.
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Oh, and you don't want that?
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Of course not.
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Why?
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Do you know what would happen if a reporter
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from a famous magazine came in our office?
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Why would it be that what you said?
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Honey, with a stranger in the room
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everybody gets very self-conscious
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and they begin to show off.
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Including you?
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Yeah, I'm human.
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That's silly.
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You've been interviewed before.
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You've had a situation like this before.
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All you have to do is just avoid the pratfalls.
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That's pitfalls.
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There, you see.
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You know the words.
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So just avoid them.
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No, honey If I let a reporter in there,
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everybody's going to start showing off.
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We'll never get any work done.
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We'll make fools out of ourselves.
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Well, you know best
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I'm sure I do.
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Of course one thing though.
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What?
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Well, you really shouldn't be discussing this with me.
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You should talk it over with Buddy and Sally.
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I mean this publicity concerns all three of you.
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And they might be upset if you left them out.
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Oh, I don't think they would.
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Well, who knows.
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They might want the publicity.
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I mean after all everybody reads "Manhattan" magazine.
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And they might think it's a good idea for people to know who
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writes the "Alan Brady Show".
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They might think?
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All right, I think they might.
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Why not, Rob?
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I happen to be proud of you and what you do for that show.
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Is there anything wrong in a woman wanting her man
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to become famous and well known
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No, no, look what the lady in red did for John Dillinger.
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Oh.
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All right, I'm going to say one more thing,
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and then I'll shut up.
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Last week, Rob in the beauty parlor
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I read an article in a magazine about the writers
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of the "Kevin Darby Show" and how they are
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responsible for its success.
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Well, honey you hate that show.
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I know and it just galled me to think that they get all
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that credit for writing a rotten show
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and you don't get any credit for writing a good one.
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Honey, I get a lot of credit.
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I get paid a lot of money.
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And I have a wife who gives me very nice compliments about it.
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And we almost got an award once.
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Well, who knows, maybe with a little publicity
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you may get an award too, like the "Kevin Darby Show".
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The "Kevin Darby Show" didn't get an award.
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They didn't deserve it.
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Yeah, but they got all that publicity.
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See?
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See what?
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You don't get credit or publicity.
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So if you got a little of each you might get a lot more both.
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You know something?
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What?
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You're no fun to talk to anymore.
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All right.
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If you want to end up another Dwight Heatherton, go ahead.
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Who's that?
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Dwight Heatherton happens to be
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an excellent writer who is unknown
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because he gets no publicity.
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Well, how do you know him?
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Oh Rob, he's famous.
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All right.
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So you want me to discuss this whole thing
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with Buddy and Sally? - Yes.
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Because you think they may outvote me, don't you?
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Well, for your sake, I hope they do.
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All right.
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But if they get a reporter in that office
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you had better cancel Saturday night's dinner party.
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- With Buddy and Sally? - That's right.
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Why?
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Because by Saturday night, the three of us
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will not be talking to each other.
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Oh.
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Gee, I don't know.
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What do you think, Buddy?
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I don't know.
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What do you think?
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I just said I didn't know.
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What do you think, Rob?
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I told you what I think.
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Let's forget the whole thing.
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OK.
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I'll go along with that, OK.
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Me too, you're perfectly right.
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Good.
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Hey, maybe we ought to think about it some more
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Yeah, don't you think we ought to just--
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Oh, come on. both just said you'll go along with me.
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Yeah I know, Rob but look, we're all partners.
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I have to agree with him too.
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Hey, Rob, tell me why you don't want us to have our names
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in a big national magazine so we'll be famous
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and people will give us free tickets to the movies.
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We'll be able to get better seats in restaurants.
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And regular people and our relatives
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will give us a lot of respect.
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Tell me again why you don't want that?
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Buddy, it's very simple.
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You see if the three of us--
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yeah, Rob why don't you want that?
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Because if we let a stranger in here,
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we're not going to be able to act like ourselves.
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We'll be trying to impress the reporter
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and we won't get any work done.
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That's why.
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Well, I'm not so sure, Rob.
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We're all professionals.
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I mean I don't think it would upset
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me if someone were in the room.
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Me neither.
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You know me boy, when I got work to do I do it.
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Comedy is a serious business and I've
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been in it long enough to give it
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plenty of respect and dignity.
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This is what I mean.
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He wouldn't feel free to do that kind of stuff.
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We'll never get a show written either.
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What do you mean?
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Well, I mean we'll all be performing for the reporter.
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We won't get a show done.
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Oh, not me.
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Not you.
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Do you guys remember just a few years ago,
268
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we brought a tape recorder in here so we wouldn't have
269
00:08:58,079 --> 00:09:00,047
to take any notes, you know.
270
00:09:00,148 --> 00:09:02,016
You did 84 choruses of "All Of Me".
271
00:09:02,116 --> 00:09:03,718
Oh.
272
00:09:03,818 --> 00:09:04,986
He's right, Sal.
273
00:09:05,086 --> 00:09:06,921
Well you, you brought in your cello we had
274
00:09:07,021 --> 00:09:07,889
four hours of "Yuck-a-Puck".
275
00:09:07,989 --> 00:09:09,724
Yeah.
276
00:09:09,824 --> 00:09:11,025
That was only a machine.
277
00:09:11,125 --> 00:09:12,627
Yeah, well the machine looked lonesome.
278
00:09:12,727 --> 00:09:16,264
And besides, next to "America the Beautiful", "Yuck-a-Puck"
279
00:09:16,364 --> 00:09:18,800
happens to be one of the most beloved songs in this country.
280
00:09:18,900 --> 00:09:21,602
SALLY: Oh.
281
00:09:21,702 --> 00:09:23,971
Rob listen, that tape recorder incident
282
00:09:24,071 --> 00:09:25,473
was a couple of years ago.
283
00:09:25,573 --> 00:09:27,708
Yeah, maybe, we ought to give his "Manhattan"
284
00:09:27,809 --> 00:09:28,643
magazine a whirl, huh?
285
00:09:28,743 --> 00:09:29,510
Are you serious?
286
00:09:29,610 --> 00:09:31,212
What, the worst can happen, they
287
00:09:31,312 --> 00:09:34,081
give us a free subscription.
288
00:09:34,182 --> 00:09:35,483
Sal?
289
00:09:35,583 --> 00:09:38,419
Well, I think we're all aware of what can happen.
290
00:09:38,519 --> 00:09:40,354
I think we can control ourselves.
291
00:09:40,455 --> 00:09:42,390
Sure, everything will go smoothly.
292
00:09:42,490 --> 00:09:43,524
Rob?
293
00:09:43,624 --> 00:09:47,061
Speaking of smoothly, here's old level head.
294
00:09:47,161 --> 00:09:49,163
Will you please tell chicken little
295
00:09:49,263 --> 00:09:51,399
he's wanted in the hen house.
296
00:09:51,499 --> 00:09:53,801
Chicken little, hey he's sharp.
297
00:09:53,901 --> 00:09:55,369
This guy got a trigger brain.
298
00:09:55,470 --> 00:09:56,671
But I think the gun jammed.
299
00:10:00,708 --> 00:10:03,077
Uh Rob, have you thought any further about the discussion
300
00:10:03,177 --> 00:10:04,412
we had last night?
301
00:10:04,512 --> 00:10:06,280
Well, it's against my better judgment, Mel.
302
00:10:06,380 --> 00:10:07,748
But I guess the majority rules.
303
00:10:07,849 --> 00:10:09,417
So tell "Manhattan" magazine to go ahead.
304
00:10:09,517 --> 00:10:11,352
Fine I'll give them a call and tell them it's OK.
305
00:10:11,452 --> 00:10:13,054
SALLY: Uh, what time they'll be here?
306
00:10:13,154 --> 00:10:21,362
First-- first thing in the morning.
307
00:10:21,462 --> 00:10:23,498
Hey Mel, I had your car fixed.
308
00:10:23,598 --> 00:10:26,534
They're going to put the exhaust pipe on the inside.
309
00:10:26,634 --> 00:10:29,437
Hey, they're going to be here first thing in the morning.
310
00:10:29,537 --> 00:10:30,738
I got to get home early tonight.
311
00:10:30,838 --> 00:10:32,006
Why?
312
00:10:32,106 --> 00:10:33,407
Well, I, got to get my nails manicured,
313
00:10:33,508 --> 00:10:35,843
my hair curled, and my nose tilted just a touch.
314
00:10:35,943 --> 00:10:37,011
You see that?
315
00:10:37,111 --> 00:10:38,312
Oh come on, Rob.
316
00:10:38,412 --> 00:10:39,447
I'm only kidding.
317
00:10:39,547 --> 00:10:40,515
I'll be my regular self tomorrow.
318
00:10:40,615 --> 00:10:41,549
Yeah, me too.
319
00:10:41,649 --> 00:10:43,017
All I got to do is have a suit pressed
320
00:10:43,117 --> 00:10:44,719
and I have my overall height lengthened.
321
00:10:44,819 --> 00:10:45,486
That's it.
322
00:10:45,586 --> 00:10:46,687
What are you going to do?
323
00:10:46,787 --> 00:10:48,356
I'm going to have my head examined.
324
00:10:52,727 --> 00:10:55,997
[phone ringing]
325
00:10:56,097 --> 00:10:57,899
Hello?
326
00:10:57,999 --> 00:10:59,300
Oh hi, honey.
327
00:10:59,400 --> 00:11:01,769
No, the reporter isn't here yet.
328
00:11:01,869 --> 00:11:03,738
No, I'm really not very worried about it.
329
00:11:03,838 --> 00:11:04,872
I just made up my mind.
330
00:11:04,972 --> 00:11:06,807
Magazine or no magazine, this is going to be just
331
00:11:06,908 --> 00:11:08,109
another ordinary working day.
332
00:11:08,209 --> 00:11:09,043
We'll just--
333
00:11:09,143 --> 00:11:10,611
Hello, darling.
334
00:11:13,581 --> 00:11:15,950
Honey, I'll have to call you back.
335
00:11:16,050 --> 00:11:19,720
No, Auntie Mame just popped in.
336
00:11:19,820 --> 00:11:22,990
I'll explain a little later, goodbye.
337
00:11:23,090 --> 00:11:24,392
There's nobody in here yet.
338
00:11:24,492 --> 00:11:26,561
Oh, the coffee come yet?
339
00:11:26,661 --> 00:11:29,163
Look, I thought we weren't going to fuss for the reporter.
340
00:11:29,263 --> 00:11:30,765
Fuss?
341
00:11:30,865 --> 00:11:31,732
Who fussed?
342
00:11:31,832 --> 00:11:33,234
Oh, of course not.
343
00:11:33,334 --> 00:11:35,169
Good heavens, you always dress for a coronation
344
00:11:35,269 --> 00:11:36,070
in the morning, don't you?
345
00:11:36,170 --> 00:11:37,338
Oh that dress.
346
00:11:37,438 --> 00:11:39,273
Oh, this old thing.
347
00:11:39,373 --> 00:11:40,741
That old thing, huh?
348
00:11:40,841 --> 00:11:42,143
You know, next to you, the Duchess of Windsor dresses
349
00:11:42,243 --> 00:11:43,844
like Huckleberry Finn.
350
00:11:43,945 --> 00:11:45,813
I thought we were just going to be ourselves today.
351
00:11:45,913 --> 00:11:47,348
Come on, Rob.
352
00:11:47,448 --> 00:11:48,883
There's nothing wrong with dressing nice for an interview,
353
00:11:48,983 --> 00:11:50,318
is there?
354
00:11:50,418 --> 00:11:52,053
Well, I know I never should have agreed to this.
355
00:11:52,153 --> 00:11:53,354
How's it going to look you dressed up
356
00:11:53,454 --> 00:11:55,056
like Madam Du Barry and Buddy and me just
357
00:11:55,156 --> 00:11:56,490
in ordinary street clothes.
358
00:12:03,364 --> 00:12:05,866
Well, well, well, come in Prince Philip.
359
00:12:05,967 --> 00:12:07,668
Robert, good morning.
360
00:12:07,768 --> 00:12:08,803
Sally, my dear.
361
00:12:08,903 --> 00:12:10,238
Nobody's here yet.
362
00:12:10,338 --> 00:12:12,306
Hey Marge, cancel the tea.
363
00:12:12,406 --> 00:12:15,276
Bagel and coffee.
364
00:12:15,376 --> 00:12:16,744
Welcome home, Admiral.
365
00:12:16,844 --> 00:12:19,614
Well, well, well, well, well, this is quite an outfit
366
00:12:19,714 --> 00:12:20,581
we have on.
367
00:12:20,681 --> 00:12:22,249
You mean this little [inaudible]??
368
00:12:22,350 --> 00:12:23,684
This little [inaudible].
369
00:12:23,784 --> 00:12:25,319
You Know something, you and Sally have the greatest
370
00:12:25,419 --> 00:12:26,887
old clothes in the whole world.
371
00:12:26,988 --> 00:12:29,290
You guys certainly started this thing off great.
372
00:12:29,390 --> 00:12:30,858
Yeah, we're just kidding you, Rob.
373
00:12:30,958 --> 00:12:32,693
You know what this nut want me to do?
374
00:12:32,793 --> 00:12:35,763
He wanted me to come in wearing a diamond tiara.
375
00:12:35,863 --> 00:12:37,965
I was going to wear knickers and a cape butt hey
376
00:12:38,065 --> 00:12:40,101
told me you were wearing it.
377
00:12:40,201 --> 00:12:41,669
Very, very funny.
378
00:12:41,769 --> 00:12:43,771
Well, I hope that this right now is as far as the joke goes.
379
00:12:43,871 --> 00:12:45,373
Look, if it'll make you feel any better,
380
00:12:45,473 --> 00:12:49,176
under all this glamour I'm wearing torn underwear.
381
00:12:49,276 --> 00:12:50,144
[knock on door]
382
00:12:50,244 --> 00:12:51,779
Hey, that's the reporter.
383
00:12:51,879 --> 00:12:53,648
All right you guys remember the rules,
384
00:12:53,748 --> 00:12:56,050
this is just another ordinary working day like nobody
385
00:12:56,150 --> 00:12:56,851
was here, - OK.
386
00:12:56,951 --> 00:12:58,519
Come in.
387
00:12:58,619 --> 00:13:01,055
Hello, I'm Lorraine Gilman.
388
00:13:01,155 --> 00:13:02,690
You're expecting me? - Oh, of course.
389
00:13:02,790 --> 00:13:03,691
Of course.
390
00:13:03,791 --> 00:13:04,892
How do you do?
391
00:13:04,992 --> 00:13:07,828
I am Maurice B. Sorrell but you can call me Buddy.
392
00:13:07,928 --> 00:13:09,563
And I'm Robert Petrie.
393
00:13:09,664 --> 00:13:11,265
And how do you do, I'm Sally Rogers.
394
00:13:11,365 --> 00:13:12,767
Hello, Sally.
395
00:13:12,867 --> 00:13:15,302
Well, it's very nice to meet all of you.
396
00:13:15,403 --> 00:13:16,971
I hope I'm not disturbing you.
397
00:13:17,071 --> 00:13:18,439
I won't stay too long.
398
00:13:18,539 --> 00:13:19,907
Stay just as long as your little old heart desires.
399
00:13:20,007 --> 00:13:22,977
Well, we're very happy to have you here Miss Gilman.
400
00:13:23,077 --> 00:13:23,878
Lorraine.
401
00:13:23,978 --> 00:13:24,645
Oh, yes.
402
00:13:24,745 --> 00:13:26,681
You sit down, Miss Gilman?
403
00:13:26,781 --> 00:13:27,415
Lorraine.
404
00:13:27,515 --> 00:13:28,816
Yeah, that's right.
405
00:13:28,916 --> 00:13:31,819
You're positive I won't be in the way, Mr Petrie?
406
00:13:31,919 --> 00:13:32,753
Oh, not at all.
407
00:13:32,853 --> 00:13:34,221
And none of that Mr Petrie stuff.
408
00:13:34,321 --> 00:13:35,289
You call me Lorraine.
409
00:13:35,389 --> 00:13:37,024
Make yourself at home.
410
00:13:41,929 --> 00:13:44,932
Mr Cooley asked me to drop by and take a few notes.
411
00:13:45,032 --> 00:13:46,767
Sort of get the feel of the room, you know.
412
00:13:46,867 --> 00:13:47,968
All right.
413
00:13:48,069 --> 00:13:49,203
If you have any questions later, you just ask me.
414
00:13:49,303 --> 00:13:50,471
Oh yes.
415
00:13:50,571 --> 00:13:51,872
Mr Cooley said you were the head writer.
416
00:13:51,972 --> 00:13:54,208
Oh well, we don't do much with titles around here.
417
00:13:54,308 --> 00:13:55,109
Oh yeah.
418
00:13:55,209 --> 00:13:56,043
That's right.
419
00:13:56,143 --> 00:13:57,211
We're all equal here.
420
00:13:57,311 --> 00:13:58,312
There's no head writer in this room.
421
00:13:58,412 --> 00:13:59,914
Well I wouldn't go that far.
422
00:14:00,014 --> 00:14:00,915
I mean I--
423
00:14:01,015 --> 00:14:03,350
None of that boss stuff around here.
424
00:14:03,451 --> 00:14:04,618
That's really very democratic.
425
00:14:04,719 --> 00:14:05,519
Yeah.
426
00:14:05,619 --> 00:14:07,388
Can we start to work now.
427
00:14:07,488 --> 00:14:09,223
Yeah, I think it'd be a very good idea
428
00:14:09,323 --> 00:14:10,491
that we get right down to work.
429
00:14:10,591 --> 00:14:11,859
Let's see now, what were we working on?
430
00:14:11,959 --> 00:14:12,793
The sketch.
431
00:14:12,893 --> 00:14:13,994
That's right.
432
00:14:14,095 --> 00:14:17,565
My sketch about the three bums and jelly donut.
433
00:14:17,665 --> 00:14:20,801
You mean thee sketch about the three bums and the jelly donut.
434
00:14:20,901 --> 00:14:21,535
What did I say?
435
00:14:21,635 --> 00:14:23,370
You said, "my sketch."
436
00:14:23,471 --> 00:14:25,039
So I've been thinking about that sketch.
437
00:14:25,139 --> 00:14:26,073
Yeah.
438
00:14:26,173 --> 00:14:26,941
I think it'll be a riot, but--
439
00:14:27,041 --> 00:14:28,309
I don't know.
440
00:14:28,409 --> 00:14:29,944
It's an awful a lot like what we did about two weeks ago.
441
00:14:30,044 --> 00:14:31,278
Why didn't you say something about it yesterday?
442
00:14:31,378 --> 00:14:32,313
Well, I didn't think of it till I
443
00:14:32,413 --> 00:14:33,247
was driving in this morning.
444
00:14:33,347 --> 00:14:34,415
Oh well, what matter.
445
00:14:34,515 --> 00:14:36,884
I'll think of something else.
446
00:14:36,984 --> 00:14:39,186
Well, don't worry dear, you won't think alone,
447
00:14:39,286 --> 00:14:40,221
we'll help you.
448
00:14:40,321 --> 00:14:41,789
Good, good.
449
00:14:41,889 --> 00:14:44,291
Uh, this week I think I'll open with Alan doing a monologue
450
00:14:44,391 --> 00:14:45,893
right at the beginning.
451
00:14:45,993 --> 00:14:47,561
Alan has been opening with a monologue for five years now.
452
00:14:47,661 --> 00:14:48,929
You're telling me?
453
00:14:49,029 --> 00:14:50,431
It was my idea.
454
00:14:50,531 --> 00:14:52,666
The monologue, Alan comes out and says,
455
00:14:52,767 --> 00:14:54,268
"good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
456
00:14:54,368 --> 00:14:57,671
I'm glad you're all here to help me celebrate this week, three
457
00:14:57,772 --> 00:14:59,673
years of happy married life."
458
00:14:59,774 --> 00:15:02,643
Three out of 12, not bad, huh?
459
00:15:02,743 --> 00:15:05,146
Then he says, "marriage is wonderful,
460
00:15:05,246 --> 00:15:06,614
you know what it means to come home
461
00:15:06,714 --> 00:15:08,115
with a beautiful, sexy wife waiting
462
00:15:08,215 --> 00:15:10,551
at the door who grabs you and kisses you passionately.
463
00:15:10,651 --> 00:15:12,086
Do you know what that means?
464
00:15:12,186 --> 00:15:14,155
It means you in the wrong house, that's what it means."
465
00:15:14,255 --> 00:15:15,456
Uh, Buddy.
466
00:15:15,556 --> 00:15:17,758
We wrote that monologue for Alan last week.
467
00:15:17,858 --> 00:15:18,793
I know.
468
00:15:18,893 --> 00:15:19,693
I just thought I'd get things rolling.
469
00:15:19,794 --> 00:15:21,762
Oh, get things rolling?
470
00:15:21,862 --> 00:15:25,199
Forgive me, but those are very funny jokes.
471
00:15:25,299 --> 00:15:26,700
Oh, do you really think so?
472
00:15:26,801 --> 00:15:28,536
I think they're hysterical.
473
00:15:28,636 --> 00:15:30,137
Well, thank you.
474
00:15:30,237 --> 00:15:32,106
What do you mean thank you?
475
00:15:32,206 --> 00:15:37,077
Well I did contribute a couple of comics, you know.
476
00:15:37,178 --> 00:15:39,513
How about this, say that Alan and his wife
477
00:15:39,613 --> 00:15:41,182
have been invited to a costume party.
478
00:15:41,282 --> 00:15:43,918
But when they arrive, they find out they're a week early.
479
00:15:44,018 --> 00:15:46,053
Yeah, I like that, I like that.
480
00:15:46,153 --> 00:15:47,288
Yeah, thank you very much.
481
00:15:47,388 --> 00:15:48,422
For what?
482
00:15:48,522 --> 00:15:50,191
For suggesting my costume sketch.
483
00:15:50,291 --> 00:15:51,926
Your costume sketch?
484
00:15:52,026 --> 00:15:54,295
Yeah, I did it three years ago from Milton Berle.
485
00:15:54,395 --> 00:15:57,064
All right, look, why don't we just do an out-and-out
486
00:15:57,164 --> 00:15:58,065
slapstick sketch.
487
00:15:58,165 --> 00:15:58,966
I would love to do those.
488
00:15:59,066 --> 00:16:00,134
Well, I'm for that.
489
00:16:00,234 --> 00:16:01,468
All right.
490
00:16:01,569 --> 00:16:03,771
Let's say that Alan has a beef with his wife.
491
00:16:03,871 --> 00:16:05,506
Oh again with the husband and wife.
492
00:16:05,606 --> 00:16:06,774
Why do you keep pushing them?
493
00:16:06,874 --> 00:16:07,575
Why not?
494
00:16:07,675 --> 00:16:08,509
They're funny.
495
00:16:08,609 --> 00:16:09,910
Well, all righty.
496
00:16:12,546 --> 00:16:14,181
Ah, come up with the funny ones.
497
00:16:16,917 --> 00:16:19,420
All right.
498
00:16:19,520 --> 00:16:22,990
Well, let's say that eh, Alan and his wife's
499
00:16:23,090 --> 00:16:23,924
gone for the weekend.
500
00:16:24,024 --> 00:16:25,059
Oh no.
501
00:16:25,159 --> 00:16:25,893
Wait a minute.
502
00:16:25,993 --> 00:16:27,428
I'm going onto something here.
503
00:16:27,528 --> 00:16:29,797
His wife's gone and he has to cook for himself.
504
00:16:29,897 --> 00:16:31,165
He has to make his own dinner.
505
00:16:31,265 --> 00:16:33,801
And well, he could do a-- lot of funny things
506
00:16:33,901 --> 00:16:35,636
could happen, you know, goofy things like goofing off
507
00:16:35,736 --> 00:16:37,238
in the kitchen. - Yeah, pretty hilarious.
508
00:16:37,338 --> 00:16:38,806
Well, wait a minute.
509
00:16:38,906 --> 00:16:41,141
No, he ha-- say he can shock himself on electric can opener.
510
00:16:41,242 --> 00:16:43,010
You know, a guy could do something like that.
511
00:16:43,110 --> 00:16:44,411
That'd be funny.
512
00:16:44,512 --> 00:16:48,382
And then the-- he could put too much rice in the boiling water,
513
00:16:48,482 --> 00:16:49,783
you know.
514
00:16:49,884 --> 00:16:50,751
It would overflow all over the stove, you know.
515
00:16:50,851 --> 00:16:51,952
That's always good.
516
00:16:52,052 --> 00:16:53,621
That's slapstick.
517
00:16:53,721 --> 00:16:57,258
And-- why don't he put the dishes in the clothes washer
518
00:16:57,358 --> 00:16:58,492
instead, you know.
519
00:16:58,592 --> 00:16:59,460
Or maybe put clothes in the dishwasher.
520
00:16:59,560 --> 00:17:00,761
That'd even be funnier.
521
00:17:00,861 --> 00:17:02,229
And the whole-- you know, you get a message.
522
00:17:02,329 --> 00:17:04,765
You know, I was talking to Noel Coward at that party.
523
00:17:04,865 --> 00:17:07,902
[inaudible] situation.
524
00:17:08,002 --> 00:17:09,270
Rob.
525
00:17:09,370 --> 00:17:11,272
It could be funny but don't you think it's kind of old hat?
526
00:17:11,372 --> 00:17:15,342
Well, as writers it's up to us to put a new band on old hat.
527
00:17:15,442 --> 00:17:16,343
What are we?
528
00:17:16,443 --> 00:17:17,511
Joke writers and milliners?
529
00:17:17,611 --> 00:17:18,979
What do you want to do?
530
00:17:19,079 --> 00:17:20,748
Do a whole hour on one liners, monologues and stuff?
531
00:17:20,848 --> 00:17:22,283
Well, it's better than a husband and wife
532
00:17:22,383 --> 00:17:23,384
screaming at each other.
533
00:17:23,484 --> 00:17:24,585
All right, all right.
534
00:17:24,685 --> 00:17:25,786
We'll forget the husband and wife thing
535
00:17:25,886 --> 00:17:26,754
and do something completely different.
536
00:17:26,854 --> 00:17:27,688
We'll do something daring.
537
00:17:27,788 --> 00:17:29,156
Something daring.
538
00:17:29,256 --> 00:17:32,560
Maybe like that leopard sketch that you did last year.
539
00:17:32,660 --> 00:17:33,827
Made a big bomb.
540
00:17:33,928 --> 00:17:36,130
Oh Buddy, he didn't lay such a big bomb.
541
00:17:36,230 --> 00:17:37,264
Oh no?
542
00:17:37,364 --> 00:17:39,300
That week Russia went to the UN and complained we
543
00:17:39,400 --> 00:17:42,269
were doing underground testing.
544
00:17:42,369 --> 00:17:43,237
All right.
545
00:17:43,337 --> 00:17:44,438
All right, that's all.
546
00:17:44,538 --> 00:17:45,673
This week, folks, we are going to do
547
00:17:45,773 --> 00:17:48,242
a husband and wife sketch.
548
00:17:48,342 --> 00:17:49,910
All right, Mr professor.
549
00:17:50,010 --> 00:17:52,012
What makes a husband and wife sketch so good?
550
00:17:52,112 --> 00:17:55,149
If you will sit down, Maurice, I will tell you why.
551
00:17:57,584 --> 00:18:00,988
As I explained in an article I wrote for "The Television
552
00:18:01,088 --> 00:18:03,123
Quartely" last period, this type of comedy
553
00:18:03,223 --> 00:18:06,760
automatically creates an empathy of rapport, if you will.
554
00:18:06,860 --> 00:18:08,362
Thereby setting up a common denominator
555
00:18:08,462 --> 00:18:09,396
with the mass audience.
556
00:18:09,496 --> 00:18:11,165
So this is our raison d'etre.
557
00:18:11,265 --> 00:18:13,233
The husband and wife image is possibly
558
00:18:13,334 --> 00:18:15,769
the easiest identifiable one in our society.
559
00:18:15,869 --> 00:18:18,272
Ergo, the mass psyche finds a release
560
00:18:18,372 --> 00:18:20,341
from it's hidden latent hostility
561
00:18:20,441 --> 00:18:22,242
by this kind of vicarious means.
562
00:18:22,343 --> 00:18:25,679
Varicose, veins, latex, what are you talking about?
563
00:18:25,779 --> 00:18:28,582
You can't come up with ideas.
564
00:18:28,682 --> 00:18:30,184
What, are you trying to cover up you
565
00:18:30,284 --> 00:18:32,753
can't think of anything with a lot of those $9 college words?
566
00:18:32,853 --> 00:18:34,555
For you information, those $9 college words
567
00:18:34,655 --> 00:18:35,856
are in the dictionary.
568
00:18:35,956 --> 00:18:36,890
They happen to be used by a lot of thinking
569
00:18:36,991 --> 00:18:38,092
people for intercommunication.
570
00:18:38,192 --> 00:18:39,927
What does that prove about anything?
571
00:18:40,027 --> 00:18:41,428
We're not University professors.
572
00:18:41,528 --> 00:18:42,596
Fellows--
573
00:18:42,696 --> 00:18:43,998
Buddy, you're being very disruptive.
574
00:18:44,098 --> 00:18:44,999
Oh yeah.
575
00:18:45,099 --> 00:18:45,833
Well, you're being very destructive.
576
00:18:45,933 --> 00:18:47,234
I am distracting?
577
00:18:47,334 --> 00:18:48,569
Yeah, you and that hockey jacket you're wearing.
578
00:18:48,669 --> 00:18:50,004
Look who's making fun of comedy--
579
00:18:50,104 --> 00:18:50,704
OK.
580
00:18:50,804 --> 00:18:52,139
Cut it out.
581
00:18:52,239 --> 00:18:52,873
Hold it.
582
00:18:52,973 --> 00:18:54,208
Miss Gilman is leaving.
583
00:18:54,308 --> 00:18:56,810
If you'll forgive me, I think that I've got
584
00:18:56,910 --> 00:18:58,579
all the material I need now.
585
00:18:58,679 --> 00:18:59,613
Thank you.
586
00:18:59,713 --> 00:19:06,020
[interposing voices]
587
00:19:06,120 --> 00:19:07,955
LORRAINE: Going down, please.
588
00:19:21,902 --> 00:19:23,537
Hello, Marge.
589
00:19:23,637 --> 00:19:26,240
Would you get me the New York State Unemployment Office,
590
00:19:26,340 --> 00:19:27,241
please?
591
00:19:29,977 --> 00:19:32,980
Oh, Rob I apologize.
592
00:19:33,080 --> 00:19:34,782
I acted just like the kind of guy I hate.
593
00:19:34,882 --> 00:19:35,816
I did it too.
594
00:19:35,916 --> 00:19:37,251
I don't know what got into me.
595
00:19:37,351 --> 00:19:38,686
I heard myself saying things I couldn't believe they
596
00:19:38,786 --> 00:19:40,220
were coming out of my mouth.
597
00:19:40,320 --> 00:19:43,690
Well, I wasn't as bad as you two guys but I'd pay money
598
00:19:43,791 --> 00:19:45,859
to take back everything I said.
599
00:19:45,959 --> 00:19:48,395
You know Rob, your instincts were right.
600
00:19:48,495 --> 00:19:50,898
You should have never let her in the room with us.
601
00:19:50,998 --> 00:19:52,499
Right, we should have listened to you.
602
00:19:52,599 --> 00:19:53,767
I OKed the whole thing.
603
00:19:53,867 --> 00:19:55,169
It's my fault as much as anybody else's.
604
00:19:55,269 --> 00:19:56,970
Is there anything we can do to stop the article?
605
00:19:57,071 --> 00:20:00,407
With "Manhattan" magazine, they attack giants of industry,
606
00:20:00,507 --> 00:20:01,575
they won't stop with us.
607
00:20:01,675 --> 00:20:02,776
There must be something we can do.
608
00:20:02,876 --> 00:20:05,312
Well look, I say we go to Lorraine
609
00:20:05,412 --> 00:20:06,780
with honor and dignity.
610
00:20:06,880 --> 00:20:10,050
And we say Miss Gilman, we acted like fools
611
00:20:10,150 --> 00:20:11,919
and we'd like to know just how much
612
00:20:12,019 --> 00:20:15,255
it would cost to buy you off.
613
00:20:15,355 --> 00:20:18,759
Hey, if that doesn't work, we can throw ourselves at our feet
614
00:20:18,859 --> 00:20:20,127
and start sobbing.
615
00:20:20,227 --> 00:20:21,228
Very funny.
616
00:20:21,328 --> 00:20:22,596
You're making jokes and we're in a big mess.
617
00:20:22,696 --> 00:20:23,530
Rob.
618
00:20:23,630 --> 00:20:26,433
Talk about a big mess.
619
00:20:26,533 --> 00:20:28,535
The daddy of them all.
620
00:20:28,635 --> 00:20:31,138
I hate you.
621
00:20:31,238 --> 00:20:32,639
Rob, can I bring in Ed Palmer now?
622
00:20:32,739 --> 00:20:34,041
Who?
623
00:20:34,141 --> 00:20:36,176
Ed Palmer, the gentleman I spoke to you about.
624
00:20:36,276 --> 00:20:37,244
What gentleman?
625
00:20:37,344 --> 00:20:38,779
The reporter from "Manhattan" magazine.
626
00:20:38,879 --> 00:20:40,581
- The reporter? - Yes.
627
00:20:40,681 --> 00:20:42,116
You remember I told you he wanted
628
00:20:42,216 --> 00:20:44,218
to come in and spend a couple of days while you worked.
629
00:20:44,318 --> 00:20:45,319
Who was the--
630
00:20:45,419 --> 00:20:47,121
Who was the girl?
631
00:20:47,221 --> 00:20:47,921
What girl?
632
00:20:48,021 --> 00:20:49,389
Lorraine Gilman.
633
00:20:49,490 --> 00:20:50,858
Oh, you mean the decorator.
634
00:20:50,958 --> 00:20:51,825
Did you say decorator?
635
00:20:51,925 --> 00:20:53,360
Well, yes.
636
00:20:53,460 --> 00:20:55,529
We were thinking of having your offices changed while you
637
00:20:55,629 --> 00:20:56,797
were on your vacation.
638
00:20:56,897 --> 00:20:57,798
Decorator?
639
00:20:57,898 --> 00:20:59,800
Lorraine the decorator?
640
00:20:59,900 --> 00:21:01,969
You mean she's not the reporter?
641
00:21:02,069 --> 00:21:03,103
You mean you thought?
642
00:21:03,203 --> 00:21:07,141
We've got a [inaudible].
643
00:21:07,241 --> 00:21:09,877
Wait a minute.
644
00:21:09,977 --> 00:21:12,479
Wait a minute.
645
00:21:12,579 --> 00:21:15,582
Look just, just-- if you can control your hysteria,
646
00:21:15,682 --> 00:21:17,451
I'd like to bring in Ed Palmer.
647
00:21:17,551 --> 00:21:19,820
Over my dead body.
648
00:21:19,920 --> 00:21:21,688
I'm sorry, you're joking.
649
00:21:21,788 --> 00:21:23,023
No.
650
00:21:23,123 --> 00:21:24,324
We all agree that we'd rather be good friends
651
00:21:24,424 --> 00:21:26,193
than have a reporter here watching us work.
652
00:21:26,293 --> 00:21:28,695
Oh come on now, you can't get in any trouble.
653
00:21:28,795 --> 00:21:29,730
Oh.
654
00:21:29,830 --> 00:21:32,332
You can't get in any trouble.
655
00:21:32,432 --> 00:21:35,302
I'm sorry to bother you but I think I left my glove.
656
00:21:35,402 --> 00:21:37,638
Rob, the magazine is very important.
657
00:21:37,738 --> 00:21:38,839
Mr. Palmer is waiting.
658
00:21:38,939 --> 00:21:41,175
Wait a minute, Miss Gilman, would
659
00:21:41,275 --> 00:21:42,376
you answer a question for us.
660
00:21:42,476 --> 00:21:43,544
Certainly.
661
00:21:43,644 --> 00:21:46,180
You sat here and watched us work, didn't you?
662
00:21:46,280 --> 00:21:47,514
Uh, yes.
663
00:21:47,614 --> 00:21:50,751
We're conducting a little experiment in human behavior.
664
00:21:50,851 --> 00:21:53,387
Would you give Mr Cooley your impression of us.
665
00:21:53,487 --> 00:21:54,822
Well, I'd rather not.
666
00:21:54,922 --> 00:21:56,256
Oh, we're all friends.
667
00:21:56,356 --> 00:21:57,191
All right.
668
00:21:57,291 --> 00:21:58,492
Just tell him.
669
00:21:58,592 --> 00:22:01,829
For one thing, watching you made my job as a decorator
670
00:22:01,929 --> 00:22:02,763
rather easy.
671
00:22:02,863 --> 00:22:04,164
Oh really, how?
672
00:22:04,264 --> 00:22:07,367
Well, I decided the perfect motif for this room
673
00:22:07,467 --> 00:22:09,203
would be a roman forum.
674
00:22:09,303 --> 00:22:10,571
A roman forum?
675
00:22:10,671 --> 00:22:13,440
Well, with all the knifing and backstabbing that went on,
676
00:22:13,540 --> 00:22:17,344
I thought I was watching a new version of Julius Caesar.
677
00:22:17,444 --> 00:22:18,345
Bye.
678
00:22:21,081 --> 00:22:22,282
I told you, Mel.
679
00:22:22,382 --> 00:22:24,318
Well, but you can learn from it.
680
00:22:24,418 --> 00:22:26,920
You can learn from it and avoid the pitfalls.
681
00:22:27,020 --> 00:22:29,556
After all, you're all adults, intelligent.
682
00:22:29,656 --> 00:22:31,358
I'll cancel the interview.
683
00:22:34,728 --> 00:22:35,929
Honey.
684
00:22:36,029 --> 00:22:38,432
Oh, hi, darling.
685
00:22:38,532 --> 00:22:39,867
Oh well, you seem happy.
686
00:22:39,967 --> 00:22:41,735
- Yeah, do you see it? - See what?
687
00:22:41,835 --> 00:22:43,036
Then you didn't see it.
688
00:22:43,136 --> 00:22:44,805
Come here, the "American Decorating" magazine
689
00:22:44,905 --> 00:22:46,506
has an article on Sally and Buddy me.
690
00:22:46,607 --> 00:22:47,407
Oh, really?
691
00:22:47,507 --> 00:22:48,442
Yeah.
692
00:22:48,542 --> 00:22:49,843
And we owe all this publicity to you.
693
00:22:49,943 --> 00:22:50,944
To me?
694
00:22:51,044 --> 00:22:51,979
Yeah, if it hadn't for you we'd
695
00:22:52,079 --> 00:22:52,879
have never gotten this article.
696
00:22:52,980 --> 00:22:53,714
Oh well, who wrote it?
697
00:22:53,814 --> 00:22:54,815
Lorraine Gilman.
698
00:22:54,915 --> 00:22:56,083
- Oh, let me see it. - No, no.
699
00:22:56,183 --> 00:22:57,484
You sit down, I'm going to read it to you.
700
00:22:59,519 --> 00:23:00,354
Ready?
701
00:23:00,454 --> 00:23:01,421
Aha.
702
00:23:01,521 --> 00:23:03,423
"Recently, I had the unusual assignment
703
00:23:03,523 --> 00:23:05,759
of redecorating the office used by the writers of the "Alan
704
00:23:05,859 --> 00:23:07,794
Brady Show" and discovered that it requires
705
00:23:07,894 --> 00:23:09,263
three creative intellects and one
706
00:23:09,363 --> 00:23:11,231
full week to manufacture the show.
707
00:23:11,331 --> 00:23:13,133
That this miracle is wrought in one week
708
00:23:13,233 --> 00:23:15,669
is an enigma since the writing sessions are characterized
709
00:23:15,769 --> 00:23:19,640
by childish outbursts of petulance, pyrotechnic displays
710
00:23:19,740 --> 00:23:21,808
of pseudo psychoanalytical jargon.
711
00:23:21,908 --> 00:23:24,611
Posturing, quibbling, and backstabbing.
712
00:23:24,711 --> 00:23:27,214
Giving the appearance not at all of a writing session
713
00:23:27,314 --> 00:23:29,449
but rather playtime at an excessively
714
00:23:29,549 --> 00:23:32,352
progressive day nursery.
715
00:23:32,452 --> 00:23:34,354
It was this childish behavior of the writers
716
00:23:34,454 --> 00:23:37,190
that gave me a clue to the type of decor I might try.
717
00:23:37,291 --> 00:23:39,593
With touches of a roman forum in the wallpaper
718
00:23:39,693 --> 00:23:40,627
and the furniture."
719
00:23:40,727 --> 00:23:43,897
Well, that is just terrible.
720
00:23:43,997 --> 00:23:45,432
Well, it's terrible.
721
00:23:45,532 --> 00:23:46,533
That lamp, Rob.
722
00:23:46,633 --> 00:23:51,571
We have the same lamp and paid $15 for it.
723
00:23:51,672 --> 00:23:53,407
You know what is even worse than that?
724
00:23:53,507 --> 00:23:54,775
What?
725
00:23:54,875 --> 00:23:57,811
A husband giving his wife a shot with a rolled up magazine.
726
00:23:57,911 --> 00:23:58,712
No.
727
00:23:58,812 --> 00:24:00,480
Not going to happen.
728
00:24:16,830 --> 00:24:22,235
[music playing]
51276
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