All language subtitles for two.and.a.half.men.s03e07.hdtv.xvid-tcm.vo

Oh, this is going
to be so great.

Are you guys
as exited as I am?

Probably not.

Okay.

* Happy... *

** ... birthday to you *

* Happy Birthday to you *

* Happy Birthday,
dear Rose **

** Happy Birthday to you. *

Oh, you have got to be
kidding me!

You guys are the best.

Is that a chocolate fudge cake?

You tell us;
you brought it.

Shouldn't you, uh, make a wish
and blow out the candles?

Oh, right, right.

I wish this was chocolate fudge.

Okay.

Now, it's time
for the party games.

I got one.

It's called "Drink Until This
Night Makes Some Sort of Sense."

I'll go first.

Nope, not yet.

Round Two...

Uncle Charlie?

Go away!

Have you seen
my iPod?

No.

What about you, Rose?

No.
Sorry, Jake.

Oh, man.

Good morning,
sleepy head.

Morning.

So, what's new?

Episode 3x07
Sleep Tight, Puddin' Pop

Mmm, that's good coffee.

Good morning.

It's gettin' there.

Whose birthday cake?

Rose.

Oh.
Surprise party?

No, I think she saw it coming.

'Morning.

- 'Morning.
- Hey.

Coffee?

Can you make it to go?

To go?

Yeah, the thing is,
I made a little... boo-boo.

- A boo-boo?
- A boo-boo.

Anyway, I may have
to leave town for a few days.

Why? What'd you do?

Rose.

What?

I-I did Rose.

Wait, you had sex
with Rose?

Are you insane?

Moot point, Alan.

What I have to do now is find
my passport and head for the border.

What you have to do

is tell Rose
th-th-that I was drunk

and I'm sorry
and that there's no reason

to hunt me down and glue
my testicles to my thigh.

Again.

I'll tell you right now,

you're swabbin' on your own nail
polish remover this time.

That wasn't pleasant
for either of us, Berta.

What the hell
were you thinking?

Thinking?

There was no thinking.

We had a few tequila shots and we were
talking, having a nice evening,

then somebody suggested
a sponge bath.

Somebody?

It might've been me.

Anyway, the next thing I know,

Jake is waking us up
looking for his iPod.

Jake saw you in bed with Rose?

No.

Oh, great, great.
That's just great.

What am I gonna tell him?

Who cares? He's 11.
He'll get over it.

I'm the one who still has a bald
patch on my scrotum.

And let me tell ya, the
comb-over isn't foolin' anybody.

Morning.

Oh. Hey, look, it's Rose.

Morning, Rose.

Hey, birthday girl!

Did you get
anything good last night?

It was a wonderful party.

Isn't that nice?

Can I get you anything?

Coffee? Orange juice?
Industrial-strength adhesive?

No, I can't stay.

I'm having a birthday
lunch with my dad.

Oh, well, that's great.

Not that I'm anxious for you to leave.

But it's great that you're gonna
spend some time with your dad.

Dads are great. I like the word "dad"
better than "father."

You know, if Hitler had called Germany
the Dadland instead of the Fatherland,

I bet it would've been a much
friendlier country.

Charlie.

Yes.

You're acting crazy.

Am I?

Hey, if anybody knows...

I understand last night was just
one of those things...

I have no expectations.

Okay.
Good.

And...?

And nothing.

I'll see you later.

Bye, guys.

Bye.

Oh, God, it's worse
than I thought.

What are you talking about?

She sounded perfectly
fine with everything.

Berta, tell him.

She's nuts.
He's screwed.

- Uncle Charlie?
- Yeah, buddy?

You know what'd be cool?
If you and Rose got married.

Yeah, Charlie,
that would be cool.

I could be the best man.

Carry the ring for you
and the medication for her.

Do pharmacies have
bridal registries?

Hey, have you guys talked
about having kids?

Are we gonna hear the pitter-patter
of teeny-weeny crazy-ass feet?

No. He's not gonna
marry Rose.

Why not? He's already
getting sex from her.

Jake, Jake...

the only reason Rose was in my bed is
because she was too tired to go home.

Uncle Charlie, I'm an
underachiever, not an idiot.

Okay, fine.

You want the truth?

Charlie, please be discreet.

Just because a man and woman have sex
doesn't mean they have to get married.

It doesn't mean they have
to see each other again.

It doesn't even mean they have
to give their actual names.

Thank you for your discretion.

No, no, no. It's time somebody
taught him the facts of life.

What facts? That you did a stupid, stupid
thing 'cause you're a stupid, stupid man?

I was getting to that.

Why was it stupid?

Because he had sex
with someone he doesn't love.

No, no,

because I had sex with someone who
knows how to disable the alarm system.

And who has no compunction about
shaving my head while I sleep.

What's a compunction?

Go get ready for bed.

Sounds dirty.

Just go.

Hey, lady, I can see
your compunction.

- Charlie, will you do me a favor?
- What?

- Don't talk to my kid about sex.
- Why?

Because you're a pig.

Okay.

What was that?

What was what?

It was a thump.

What do you mean, a thump?

You know, a thump.

Like a crazy woman dressed
as a ninja jumping from a tree

and landing on the roof
with cat-like precision.

I didn't hear anything.

Well, I did.

I guess your hearing's more acute
when your nuts are on the line.

Come on, Charlie, you don't really
think Rose is gonna do anything?

Hey, I never told you half
the weird stuff she pulled around here.

Why not?

Well, we needed a baby-sitter and
I didn't want you to get spooked.

Okay, I'm listening.

One time, she trained a
seagull to swoop down...

Oh, God, this is it!

Come on, Charlie.

I cannot believe
a grown man like you

is afraid of a little girl.

A little girl with a big seagull.

Went right for my eyes.

Have you ever seen one of 'em swoop down
on a picnic table to grab a french fry?

- It was just like that.
- Charlie...

I'll bet that's how she trained it.

Took a picture of me and put
french fries all over it.

You're being ridiculous.

Am I?

We'll see.

Are you Charlie Harper?

Yes, I am.

I'm Rose's father.

I don't see a way to back
out of this, do you?

So, you're Rose's dad.

I can see the resemblance.

You and I need to talk.

Well, sure, if you want.

I'm booked up
for the next few days,

but maybe we can pencil
something in for next week.

- Now...
- Or now.

There's a little window
in my schedule now. Come on in.

Thank you.

Can I get you
something to drink?

I'm fine.

Okay, well, then you don't mind if I have
a little conversation starter, do you?

- Knock yourself out.
- I'm sure gonna try.

So, uh, I'm, uh,
Charlie's brother, Alan.

Nice to meet you.

Same here.

Uh... I never slept
with your daughter.

I'm not surprised.

Okay, Rose's dad.

Call me Harvey.

Okay, Harvey.

That's easy.

Like the big invisible rabbit
in that Jimmy Stewart movie.

What was that called?

Harvey.

Right.

Duh.

Loved that movie.

A lot of people don't know
it was originally a play,

and then after the movie,
they tried to make it a musical...

Charlie.

- Yes, sir?
- Sit down.

Yes, sir.

Now...

what are your intentions
towards my daughter?

Oh, right to the chase.

Straight shooter.

I like that.

Ah, thirsty.

So, where were we?

He wants to know what your
intentions are towards Rose.

Thank you.

Well, I-I would have to say
that my intentions are good.

In fact, anybody
who knows me would confirm that

Charlie Harper
has good intentions.

His actions, on the other hand,
are usually selfish and asinine.

Again, thank you.

Okay, Harvey, well, I'm glad
we had this chance to talk...

- Sit down.
- Sorry.

So, are you going
to marry my daughter or not?

- Not.
- Not?

A very well-intended not.

So, after two years together,

you just plan to keep on
stringing her along?

No, I would never...

Wait a minute,
did you say two years?

Now, look,

Rose cares very much about you,
and she's not going to leave you.

So I think the honorable thing
for you to do is to let her go.

Believe me, Harvey,
I've tried.

God, how I've tried.

What's the problem?

You love her too much?

Not exactly.

I mean, she is a wonderful gal,
and I do care for her, but...

you see...

What, the peanut gallery
taking a break?

Harvey, the truth is,
Charlie has tried to end it,

but your daughter doesn't
handle rejection all that well.

Or all that legally.

And in my defense,

we're not talking about
a long-term relationship.

We're talking about a couple of nights
of drunken, frenzied sex two years apart.

That's your defense?

I didn't say it was
a good defense.

You'll have to forgive my brother.

He thinks with his penis,
and his penis isn't very bright.

That's true.

Anybody who knows me
would confirm that.

I can confirm that.

Oh, for God's sake.

Rose, did you tell your father
we've been going out for two years?

Well, yeah.

I thought it sounded better than
saying we had a one-night stand,

and then I stalked you
for two years.

She's not wrong.

Daddy...

try to understand.

I didn't want you to
feel sorry for me, or

try to set me up with anybody...

or have me committed.

Oh, sweetheart,
I would never do that.

We're a wealthy family.
We can afford home care.

Okay.

Well, I'm glad we had
this chance to clear the air.

I'm sure you two
have a lot to talk about, so

I'll let you get to it.

Mom?

Hang on, dear.

Hello?

Alan. Oh, good,
I'm glad you're home.

Listen, uh,

I'm in the neighborhood,
and I know how Charlie hates it

when I just drop in unannounced,
so I thought I'd call first.

I'll let him know.

Charlie, Mom's coming over.

Tell her I'm not here.

Hi, sweetie.

Oh, hello, Rose.

Hi, Evelyn.

Daddy, this is Charlie's mom, Evelyn.

Evelyn, this is my father, Harvey.

Harvey, nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

So what are we talking about?

Well, Charlie and I
got hammered last night,

and then somebody
suggested a sponge bath...

It might've been me.

And then we ended up
spending the night together.

I see.

Are you as proud of yours
as I am of mine?

Well, you know, you do the
best you can to raise them,

but, in the end, they drive down
life's highway on their own.

Isn't that the truth.

I think God gives us children

so death won't come
as such a disappointment.

So, Evelyn...

are you married?

Not at the moment.

Why?

What'd you have in mind?

Well, maybe we could start
with a little dinner.

Sounds good.

But how do you want to finish?

Simultaneously.

Oh, he's good.

Hello. Oh, hi, Mom.

Hold on. Alan!

- Yeah?
- Get the door.

Boys, we have a problem.

We need to talk.

What's going on?

We haven't seen you
in a couple of days.

- Not that we're complaining.
- Merely an observation.

Well, as you know, I have
been seeing Rose's father.

- Uh-huh.
- And how's that going?

At first it was wonderful.

He was handsome, charming,
and a raging bull in the sack.

No mental pictures.

Push 'em out.

Don't give them to me.

But what I didn't realize

is the man has the emotional stability
of a bag of rats in a burning meth lab.

What'd he do?

It's what he didn't do.

Okay, what didn't he do?

Leave.

A couple of days
of Viagra-enhanced boinking,

and he suddenly thinks
he lives with me.

He's moving my furniture around!

He's getting his mail forwarded.

He had a satellite dish installed.

Did he get the NFL package?

Charlie, please, this is not funny.

This man is obsessed with me.

He will not let me out of his sight.

Wherever I go, there he is

with a stupid, love-smitten look
on his face.

You just want to hit him
with a shovel.

Well, what do you want us to do?

Come over to my house
and hit him with a shovel.

Wouldn't it be easier to keep feeding
him Viagra until he strokes out?

Charlie, don't be ridiculous.

That could take months.

Come on, now, guys, think.
How can I get is loon out of my house?

I say we bring insome expert help.

Way ahead of you. Rose!

Yes, Charlie?

Road trip.

Oh, goody,
I'll meet you in the garage.

Daddy?

Oh, Rose, good, you got
my change of address card.

And there's my other favorite gal.

Hello, Harvey.

Where were you, puddin' pop?

I was worried sick.

I just went out.

I didn't see you leave.

That's because I climbed out
the laundry room window.

Oh, aren't you
a limber little minx?

Daddy, we need to talk.

Yes, right away, honey.

Hey, fellas!

Are you ready for some football?

Evie, why don't you get
our guests some cold drinks?

Yes, of course, dear.

Garden shed, shovel, bag of lime.

Daddy, listen to me very closely.

Okay.

You don't live here.

Yes, I do.
Look at me.

We've been through this
before, remember?

The pretty receptionist
at your psychiatrist's office?

Oh, yeah. Cheryl.

She had a mean lawyer.

Well, this is different.

Evelyn and I are in love,
and we're gonna get married.

Isn't that right, puddin' pop?

Not if you were the last
crazy man on earth.

Guys, feel free to call me "Dad."

- I couldn't.
- No, thank you.

Daddy, pay attention.

Okay.

I know what it feels like
to be so in love with someone

you want to crawl inside them

so that you're wearing their skin
like a leotard with nipples.

But what I've learned
is that

not everyone is ready for
that kind of intimacy.

Take me and Charlie,
for example.

We slept together two years ago,

realized how much better
we were as friends,

and we haven't
done it again since.

We haven't?

You were too drunk.

I was gonna tell you eventually.

Why'd you let me think we did?

Because it doesn't
make any difference.

I'm in this for the long haul.

You know, sweetheart, when
Evie and I get married,

Charlie will be
your stepbrother.

Oh, I didn't think of that.

Ooh, tres kinky.

Rose, stick with the plan.

Okay.

Daddy I didn't want to have to do this,

but I brought someone else here
to talk to you.

Who?

Come on in, Grandma!

You brought Mother?

Harvey!

How many times have I told you

not to leave the estate
without telling me?

Aw, Mom.

Playtime's over.

Get in the car, we're going home.

But, Mom, we're getting married!

To this trash?

I don't think so.

Excuse me?

Roll with it, Mom.

I'm counting to three, Harvey.

One, two...

I'm going.

Keep the robe.

Thanks, I'm not wearing pants.

Harvey! Do you want me
to put you over my knee?

All right, I'm going.

He's really a good boy.

But these things happen
when you marry a first cousin.

I'd say they're lucky
to have thumbs.

I'm really sorry to impose on you.

I just feel very incomfortable
being home alone tonight.

No problem, you can
sleep in my room.

Where will you sleep?

I don't know,
I'll find somebody.

I'm beat. I'm gonna go to bed.

Good night.

Good night, sweetheart.

Good night, Mom.

Sleep tight, puddin' pop.

Transcript : Cfsmp3

Synchro: Amnesia

Corrections : Bouliii + nColas

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