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ANNOUNCER: The Dick Van Dyke show!
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( MUSIC PLAYING )
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Yep, be right with you.
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See something else you like, madam?
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Oh, can you tell me what this material is?
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That, my dear lady,
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is genuine imported tie material.
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( AUDIENCE LAUGHTER THROUGHOUT )
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So it is.
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Yes, they make ties out of this stuff.
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Oh?
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Shall I wrap it up?
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Well, I wasn't really looking for a tie.
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Oh, well, in that case, let's play a game.
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A game? Yes.
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You pick out any tie
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that you think your husband would like,
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and I'll tell you what he looks like
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and what he does for a living--
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and if I miss, you get the tie free.
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Oh, no, I couldn't.
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Why? What have you got to lose?
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Come on, be a sport.
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What he's like and what he does for a living?
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Right? Okay, you're on.
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Come on. Bigger selection over here.
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Look, I got slim jims, fat jims,
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bow ties, and an ascot--
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in case your husband's a big movie star.
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This one. All right.
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All right. What's he like?
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Well, he's, tall, good-looking,
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and has excellent taste in wives.
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So far, perfect!
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Now, what does he do for a living?
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He's the 35th President of the United States.
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Shall I wrap it up, Mrs. Kennedy?
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Okay, you win. Wrap it up.
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I'll bet I was close, though.
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What does your husband do?
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He's a Television comedy writer.
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What's his name?
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Robert Petrie.
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Are you married to that string bean?
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Yes, I am. Do you know my husband?
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Do I know him? I gave him his first job.
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Look, would you do me a favor
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and give this to him as a present from me?
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Oh, no. I couldn't.
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Oh, it would make me very, very happy if you would.
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Well, all right.
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Who shall I say gave it to him?
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Oh, just say an old friend sends a happy hello.
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Now get outta here 'fore I charge you for the tie.
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Good-bye. Good-bye to you.
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Oh, I love getting gifts,
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but I sure wish I knew who he was.
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Well, why don't you stop by the shop
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sometime next week and thank him,
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and then you'll see for yourself.
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Said he gave me my first job, huh?
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Mm-hm. Who did give you your first job, dear?
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Well, old Happy Spangler
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gave me my first professional job.
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Well, that's him!
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He said to give you a happy hello.
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Hap Spangler? No, it couldn't be.
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Why not?
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Well, for one thing,
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Hap would never be working in a tie store,
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and secondly, I think old Hap died a few years ago.
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Oh, well this man was alive, gray-haired and jolly.
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As a matter of fact, he looked a lot like your Uncle Frank.
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Uncle Frank? Uh-hm.
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That could be Hap Spangler.
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Gee, I'd like to see him again.
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Were you very fond of him?
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Fond of him? I hated him!
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Really? Oh, with a passion!
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I don't think I've ever seen you hate with a passion.
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Yeah. well, you've never been around
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when old Hap used to rip into me
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in front of a room full of people.
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Why'd he do that?
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Oh, he liked me.
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Well, that's a funny way to show it.
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Well, old Hap Spangler used to run a pretty tough school,
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but I learned more from him
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than all the other people I ever worked for.
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You could say old hap was responsible
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for getting me all of this-- and all of this.
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Well, old Hap may have been responsible
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for getting you all that-this,
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but this-this, I gave you.
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That's right-- for a wedding present!
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That'll be two dollars even.
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Now get outta here,
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and don't tell anybody where you bought it.
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He's pretty funny.
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Picked the ugliest tie in the store.
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Well, what's wrong with you?
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Didn't you like the tie your wife picked out?
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Oh...
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Just because you're a big Television writer
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doesn't mean you've got taste.
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Good to see you, String Bean.
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How are you, Hap?
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Oh, for a sick old man, I feel pretty sick and old.
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How are you, Rob?
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I'm just fine, thanks.
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My wife told me you were working here,
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and I had to come by and say hello to you.
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Well, I'm certainly glad you did.
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You'll never know how proud I am of your success.
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Well, you know, I owe a good deal of that to you, Hap.
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Ha-ha.
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You don't owe me anything-- except maybe a little hatred.
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I used to pick on you pretty good, didn't I?
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Oh, you sure did. I thank you for it, too.
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I used to stay up all night writing
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just to prove how wrong you were.
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I knew you would.
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I kind of knew you knew I would, too.
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But I knew that you knew that I knew you would...
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( CHUCKLES )
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I don't know how to thank you, Hap.
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You really want to thank me?
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I sure do.
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Buy a tie.
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Well, I'm not too sure that would cover it.
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( CHUCKLES )
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Uh, Hap, I don't know exactly how to say this...
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Well, I do, so let me say it for you.
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"Hap, whatever happened to you?
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"You used to be one of the biggest
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"radio writers in the world.
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"I thought you were dead.
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"What are you doing in a haberdashery store
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"selling ties?"
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Is that what you were about to say?
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That's about what I was gonna say--
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what did happen?
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Oh, a lot, and it all happened at once.
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My wife died, I got sick, went to Switzerland to live.
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When I came back,
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I found out that radio no longer had any use
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for my kind of writing.
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I tried Television,
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but it was too old and too tired--
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didn't keep up with the times, I guess.
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So, I found this little niche, crawled in,
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and I must say I'm happy.
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Are you really?
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Well, I'm not unhappy.
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Happiness is a relative thing.
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I make a couple of bucks, and...my relatives are happy.
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I see you still make a pretty good joke.
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No, I don't make 'em. I just remember 'em.
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Say, Hap...
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Say, look, Rob, I'm way ahead of you.
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I know what's running through
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that soft, sentimental brain of yours.
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What can I do for this old has-been?
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Maybe I can get him a job on some writing staff
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where he won't get in the way.
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Well, my answer to you, young man, is,
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you wanna buy some drip-dry underwear?
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No.
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No, you want to hear what's really running
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through my soft, sentimental brain?
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No, but go ahead.
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All right.
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I was thinking if I could just harness
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this fine old comedy mind again,
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a lot of people in this industry would say,
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"Hey, that Robert Petrie's a pretty smart boy.
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"Found himself an old writer in a tie store,
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"gave him a minimum staff job
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"and ended up with a big bargain."
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( CHUCKLES ) and if the old man
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turned out to be a dud...
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Well, all right. I'd still be a hero then.
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People would say,
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"Hey, what a sweet guy Robert Petrie is--
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"he doesn't forget those guys that helped him out."
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Now, what would you say
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if I could arrange a staff job for you?
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Well, I'd say, I'd say...
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Rob, I don't know what to say.
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Good enough for me, Hap.
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I'll be in touch with you.
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You see what happens when you let your wife go shopping?
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She comes home with a rotten tie
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and a has-been comedy writer.
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Now, Buddy, that's not nice.
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How would you like to be called a has-been?
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Oh, Buddy will never be a has-been.
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He'll always be a never-was.
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Look who's talking.
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He's been in the business 20 years,
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and he's still a-- what is it?
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Look, Buddy. Mr. Spangler is gonna be here any minute.
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I'd like to get this thing settled.
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Well, I don't know anything
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about Happy Spangler as a writer,
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but he certainly is going to do
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more good for this company than--
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someone who should remain hairless.
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All: Buddy!
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( mimicking ) Buddy!
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ROB: Mel, what do you think?
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I say hire Mr. Spangler.
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I've always felt we were understaffed.
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Rob, I don't see how you've done as well as you have
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with just you, Sally and a trained ape.
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I didn't know you were trained.
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Look, Rob, I'm all for more help,
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but will Spangler be any help?
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I mean, he's been out of the business for so long.
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Well, he's still a funny guy.
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I think if he contributes one decent idea,
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it'll be worthwhile.
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Well, I hope you know what you're doing.
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Well, all I'm doing is trying to give the guy
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( PHONE RINGS ) a second chance.
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Yeah, yeah, Marge.
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Oh, good, send him in.
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He's here.
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Hey, Buddy. What?
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How do I look?
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Gorgeous, gorgeous.
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Need any lipstick?
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No, I don't think so. My lips look all right.
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Hey, Mel, you're not gonna meet a new employee like that--
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for heaven's sakes, comb your hair!
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Sally, loan him a sponge.
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Well, hi, Hap.
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Come on in. Hello, Rob.
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Thank you.
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Let me take your hat and coat.
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Thank you very much.
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Hap, this is Mel Cooley, our producer.
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Well, it's a pleasure to have such a distinguished
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writer on our staff.
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Thank you, Mr. Cooley.
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Even though it's a lot of baloney,
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I enjoyed hearing it.
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Hey, Rob, I like this guy already.
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Uh, Hap, this is Buddy Sorrell.
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Hiya, Hap. Hey, look.
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Two things and we'll be friends--
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first of all, don't sleep on that couch
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during my naptime and second of all,
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help me write some new baldy jokes to insult him.
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It's a deal! But, don't worry.
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I'm very bad at bald-headed jokes.
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Good, I'm glad.
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Well, how are you at picking up luncheon tabs
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for single-girl writers?
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Well, I'm sorry-- this is Sally Rogers.
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I'm sorry I'm Sally Rogers, too.
262
00:08:38,926 --> 00:08:39,927
We should have Brigitte Bardot,
263
00:08:39,961 --> 00:08:41,529
but what are you going to do?
264
00:08:41,562 --> 00:08:43,397
Well, everything seems to be under control here.
265
00:08:43,431 --> 00:08:44,699
If you'll excuse me, Mr. Spangler,
266
00:08:44,732 --> 00:08:45,933
I have work to do.
267
00:08:45,967 --> 00:08:48,736
Good luck emptying the ash trays, skinhead.
268
00:08:53,808 --> 00:08:55,576
Loves me. ha-ha.
269
00:08:55,610 --> 00:08:57,812
Mel and Buddy have this mutual misunderstanding going on,
270
00:08:57,845 --> 00:08:59,380
but it's not as serious as it sounds.
271
00:08:59,413 --> 00:09:01,415
Nah, I just do it because I, I like to rib him,
272
00:09:01,449 --> 00:09:02,850
you know, on account I...hate him.
273
00:09:04,585 --> 00:09:05,686
You can hate him, too.
274
00:09:05,720 --> 00:09:06,754
It's fun-- here's how you do it.
275
00:09:06,787 --> 00:09:08,956
Now, first of all...
276
00:09:08,990 --> 00:09:10,725
You squint into his beady eyes, you see.
277
00:09:10,758 --> 00:09:11,592
Buddy, we better get started.
278
00:09:11,626 --> 00:09:12,527
We've got a whole script to write here.
279
00:09:12,560 --> 00:09:15,663
Yeah, let's write one about beady eyes.
280
00:09:15,696 --> 00:09:16,497
Hap, sit down.
281
00:09:16,531 --> 00:09:17,632
I'll try and bring you up-to-date.
282
00:09:17,665 --> 00:09:18,833
Well, that will be a good trick if you could do it.
283
00:09:18,866 --> 00:09:21,502
Don't forget I haven't written for a comedy show in 15 years.
284
00:09:21,536 --> 00:09:22,970
( CHUCKLES ) I meant I'll bring you up-to-date
285
00:09:23,004 --> 00:09:24,505
on what we've written for this week's show.
286
00:09:24,539 --> 00:09:25,673
Oh. Sal?
287
00:09:25,706 --> 00:09:27,875
Uh, good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
288
00:09:27,909 --> 00:09:29,810
Welcome to The Alan Brady Show.
289
00:09:29,844 --> 00:09:31,412
You're now up-to-date.
290
00:09:33,848 --> 00:09:35,383
You mean that's all we've got?
291
00:09:35,416 --> 00:09:36,184
Well, don't you remember
292
00:09:36,217 --> 00:09:37,451
we threw out the opening sketch?
293
00:09:37,485 --> 00:09:38,553
He threw it out. I still liked it.
294
00:09:38,586 --> 00:09:39,720
I don't know what was wrong.
295
00:09:39,754 --> 00:09:41,556
Aw, Buddy. The thing was too long.
296
00:09:41,589 --> 00:09:44,659
It was in bad taste and it wasn't even funny.
297
00:09:44,692 --> 00:09:47,028
Well, aside from that, what didn't you like?
298
00:09:47,061 --> 00:09:48,429
Tell me, is Alan Brady rough
299
00:09:48,462 --> 00:09:50,031
when it comes to accepting material?
300
00:09:50,064 --> 00:09:50,831
Rough?
301
00:09:50,865 --> 00:09:52,633
Hap, some day you gotta get Rob
302
00:09:52,667 --> 00:09:54,435
to do his impression of Alan Brady reading
303
00:09:54,468 --> 00:09:56,938
a piece of comedy material for the first time.
304
00:09:56,971 --> 00:09:58,339
Well, I'd like to see it now.
305
00:09:58,372 --> 00:09:59,440
Yeah, yeah, do it now.
306
00:09:59,473 --> 00:10:01,542
( TALKING OVER EACH OTHER ) Come on, Rob, come on.
307
00:10:04,011 --> 00:10:05,813
We have a whole script to write, you guys.
308
00:10:05,846 --> 00:10:08,749
All right, just relax. Now, Hap, look--
309
00:10:08,783 --> 00:10:10,885
Alan always smokes a two-foot cigar--
310
00:10:10,918 --> 00:10:12,553
watch this.
311
00:10:12,587 --> 00:10:13,854
Yeah, yeah. hold up, and he always looks like
312
00:10:13,888 --> 00:10:14,956
he needs a shave.
313
00:10:19,393 --> 00:10:21,729
That's our boss! And the hat.
314
00:10:21,762 --> 00:10:22,697
Buddy will be Rob, see,
315
00:10:22,730 --> 00:10:24,799
and he's gonna give Alan this week's script.
316
00:10:24,832 --> 00:10:26,801
Right, do it, Buddy, do it.
317
00:10:26,834 --> 00:10:28,769
BUDDY: and here's this week's script, boss.
318
00:11:30,064 --> 00:11:30,798
Hey, wait a minute, boss.
319
00:11:30,831 --> 00:11:31,832
Look here. Here's the funny stuff.
320
00:11:31,866 --> 00:11:32,900
Look!
321
00:11:37,471 --> 00:11:38,606
Ahem!
322
00:11:41,909 --> 00:11:44,912
( GIGGLING )
323
00:12:06,167 --> 00:12:07,268
Oh, boy. You see, Hap.
324
00:12:07,301 --> 00:12:09,403
Now does that give you a vague idea of what goes on?
325
00:12:09,437 --> 00:12:10,438
He's that rough, huh?
326
00:12:10,471 --> 00:12:12,707
And that's when he likes it!
327
00:12:12,740 --> 00:12:13,808
I know the type.
328
00:12:13,841 --> 00:12:15,776
He sounds like a reincarnation of one of my old bosses,
329
00:12:15,810 --> 00:12:16,944
Billy Barrow.
330
00:12:16,977 --> 00:12:17,778
This was early radio.
331
00:12:17,812 --> 00:12:19,413
You probably don't even remember this.
332
00:12:19,447 --> 00:12:20,614
Oh, I remember.
333
00:12:20,648 --> 00:12:22,683
Billy Barrow and his gang every Sunday night, 7 o'clock.
334
00:12:22,717 --> 00:12:23,884
Boy, I'd never miss it!
335
00:12:23,918 --> 00:12:26,787
~ Billy Barrow's back again hooray hooray ~
336
00:12:26,821 --> 00:12:28,422
Wait a minute!
337
00:12:28,456 --> 00:12:30,057
Sally, you remember that?
338
00:12:30,091 --> 00:12:33,461
W-well, uh, not exactly.
339
00:12:33,494 --> 00:12:35,162
My mother used to tell me about it.
340
00:12:39,633 --> 00:12:40,901
Look, you guys. we've got a whole script to write.
341
00:12:40,935 --> 00:12:42,002
We better get down to work now.
342
00:12:42,036 --> 00:12:42,903
Right, okay.
343
00:12:42,937 --> 00:12:44,672
When I think of all the people in America
344
00:12:44,705 --> 00:12:45,473
who used to think
345
00:12:45,506 --> 00:12:48,075
Mr. Billy Barrow was Mr. Swell Fella.
346
00:12:48,109 --> 00:12:50,044
You mean, that big jolly guy was really a rat?
347
00:12:50,077 --> 00:12:51,212
A rat?
348
00:12:51,245 --> 00:12:53,614
The writers used to give him Swiss cheese on his birthday.
349
00:12:53,647 --> 00:12:56,016
Heh, heh. Let's get down to work...
350
00:12:56,050 --> 00:12:57,451
I remember once we had this opera star...
351
00:12:57,485 --> 00:12:59,987
Boy, was she big.
352
00:13:00,020 --> 00:13:02,490
She could sing the quartet from "Rigoletto" all by herself.
353
00:13:02,523 --> 00:13:04,125
Ha-ha!
354
00:13:04,158 --> 00:13:05,226
Buddy, you had an idea for the opening...
355
00:13:05,259 --> 00:13:06,594
Sally, come here. I must tell you.
356
00:13:06,627 --> 00:13:08,028
I must tell you this, Buddy. Sit down.
357
00:13:08,062 --> 00:13:10,030
The first day of rehearsal... Yeah.
358
00:13:10,064 --> 00:13:12,066
This fat woman walks in, and one writer says,
359
00:13:12,099 --> 00:13:13,634
"Boy, is she fat.
360
00:13:13,667 --> 00:13:15,102
"I'll bet she has to put on a girdle
361
00:13:15,136 --> 00:13:16,470
"to get into a kimono."
362
00:13:16,504 --> 00:13:17,671
Ha-ha-ha!
363
00:13:17,705 --> 00:13:18,806
Listen, we better start to work, you guys.
364
00:13:18,839 --> 00:13:21,709
HAP: There she comes, walking in with her entourage.
365
00:13:21,742 --> 00:13:24,512
She's got her maid, her agent, her coach...
366
00:13:24,545 --> 00:13:25,546
( MUSIC PLAYING )
367
00:13:29,617 --> 00:13:31,085
( TYPING SOUNDS )
368
00:13:31,118 --> 00:13:31,986
Coffee time.
369
00:13:32,019 --> 00:13:33,821
Oh, good. What time is it?
370
00:13:33,854 --> 00:13:35,122
It must be half-past
371
00:13:35,156 --> 00:13:36,123
my wife's gonna give me the devil
372
00:13:36,157 --> 00:13:37,725
for coming-home-this-late time.
373
00:13:37,758 --> 00:13:39,827
Well, according to my watch,
374
00:13:39,860 --> 00:13:42,096
right now I should be saying to my boyfriend,
375
00:13:42,129 --> 00:13:45,933
"Roger, I do not think that's a fitting proposal.
376
00:13:45,966 --> 00:13:49,003
"If you want to get married, don't ask your mother, ask me."
377
00:13:51,238 --> 00:13:52,907
Rob, do you know that I was a young girl
378
00:13:52,940 --> 00:13:54,141
when this evening started?
379
00:13:54,175 --> 00:13:55,543
Now, come on.
380
00:13:55,576 --> 00:13:56,544
I'm sorry, you guys.
381
00:13:56,577 --> 00:13:57,978
If we don't finish this script come show night,
382
00:13:58,012 --> 00:13:59,146
all of our viewers
383
00:13:59,180 --> 00:14:00,948
are going to be staring at blank television screens--
384
00:14:00,981 --> 00:14:03,284
and we're gonna be staring at blank paychecks.
385
00:14:03,317 --> 00:14:04,251
This is the second week in a row
386
00:14:04,285 --> 00:14:06,020
you've fallen so far behind.
387
00:14:06,053 --> 00:14:08,589
I don't know how you can work such long hours.
388
00:14:08,622 --> 00:14:11,058
Eight hours at the office and then all night here.
389
00:14:11,091 --> 00:14:13,861
Laura, we don't work long hours at the office.
390
00:14:13,894 --> 00:14:15,863
We spend them listening to Happy Spangler
391
00:14:15,896 --> 00:14:18,032
and his recollections down memory lane.
392
00:14:18,065 --> 00:14:20,234
Is that all he does all day long, is reminisce?
393
00:14:20,267 --> 00:14:23,237
No, he has a few laughs and he has lunch with us
394
00:14:23,270 --> 00:14:24,805
and then he sits around remembering jokes
395
00:14:24,839 --> 00:14:27,141
from a 30-year-old radio program.
396
00:14:27,174 --> 00:14:28,976
If you ask me, he's ruining our show.
397
00:14:29,009 --> 00:14:31,679
Aw, look, I told you guys-- just give him a few more days.
398
00:14:31,712 --> 00:14:32,780
All right.
399
00:14:32,813 --> 00:14:34,882
How about Christmas, fourth of July and New Year's?
400
00:14:36,717 --> 00:14:38,219
Rob, would you think me a meddling wife
401
00:14:38,252 --> 00:14:39,653
if I gave an opinion?
402
00:14:39,687 --> 00:14:41,222
Yes, but that won't stop you, will it?
403
00:14:41,255 --> 00:14:42,223
No.
404
00:14:42,256 --> 00:14:44,558
Honey, it seems to me that if you continue--
405
00:14:44,592 --> 00:14:45,860
look, how can I fire the old guy
406
00:14:45,893 --> 00:14:47,094
that gave me my start?
407
00:14:47,127 --> 00:14:48,729
I'm sorry I brought it up.
408
00:14:48,762 --> 00:14:50,331
Rob, look, I like the guy, too,
409
00:14:50,364 --> 00:14:52,800
but let's face it. He's been no help at all.
410
00:14:52,833 --> 00:14:54,068
Now you've got to do something.
411
00:14:54,101 --> 00:14:55,769
Sally's right. On account of Happy Spangler,
412
00:14:55,803 --> 00:14:58,305
we got a four-minute hole in this week's script.
413
00:14:58,339 --> 00:15:00,574
Which we won't fill up by tomorrow.
414
00:15:00,608 --> 00:15:02,343
Now Rob, I'm sorry, I'm just too tired
415
00:15:02,376 --> 00:15:04,111
to think funny anymore tonight.
416
00:15:04,144 --> 00:15:06,180
All right, all right. You guys win.
417
00:15:06,213 --> 00:15:07,915
I'll tell the old guy in the morning.
418
00:15:07,948 --> 00:15:09,950
What will you tell him, dear?
419
00:15:09,984 --> 00:15:10,818
I'll tell him the truth--
420
00:15:10,851 --> 00:15:12,152
that he's a washed-up old has-been,
421
00:15:12,186 --> 00:15:12,953
he's been getting in our way,
422
00:15:12,987 --> 00:15:13,754
and he hasn't been one bit of help.
423
00:15:13,787 --> 00:15:15,589
Oh, you're not going to say that.
424
00:15:15,623 --> 00:15:16,957
No, I'm not, but whatever I say,
425
00:15:16,991 --> 00:15:18,359
that's what he's gonna think.
426
00:15:18,392 --> 00:15:19,193
Well, I'll go through with it
427
00:15:19,226 --> 00:15:21,161
because I happen to agree with you.
428
00:15:21,195 --> 00:15:22,696
Boy, I sure hate to do it, though.
429
00:15:28,168 --> 00:15:29,036
Hi, Rob.
430
00:15:29,069 --> 00:15:30,204
Oh hi, Hap.
431
00:15:30,237 --> 00:15:31,639
Where's the gang-- goofin' off?
432
00:15:31,672 --> 00:15:33,774
Uh, no, they, uh, they went down for coffee.
433
00:15:33,807 --> 00:15:34,942
How's the script coming?
434
00:15:34,975 --> 00:15:35,676
Not too well, Hap.
435
00:15:35,709 --> 00:15:36,877
We got a big hole in the middle.
436
00:15:36,911 --> 00:15:37,778
We're in a bit of trouble.
437
00:15:37,811 --> 00:15:38,812
Oh, I know how you feel.
438
00:15:38,846 --> 00:15:39,813
We used to have the same trouble
439
00:15:39,847 --> 00:15:41,081
with the old Pinky Hamilton show.
440
00:15:41,115 --> 00:15:42,816
We could never make that deadline.
441
00:15:42,850 --> 00:15:44,718
You know, we used to have to write a comedy song
442
00:15:44,752 --> 00:15:46,320
for that show every week, a brand new one?
443
00:15:46,353 --> 00:15:48,822
I had one favorite, let me play it for you.
444
00:15:48,856 --> 00:15:49,924
( PLAYS PIANO )
445
00:15:49,957 --> 00:15:53,227
Hap, can I talk to you for just a second?
446
00:15:53,260 --> 00:15:54,328
Sure.
447
00:15:54,361 --> 00:15:55,696
Sit down, will you, Hap?
448
00:16:01,135 --> 00:16:02,770
Well?
449
00:16:02,803 --> 00:16:04,738
Well, Hap, it's about the show.
450
00:16:04,772 --> 00:16:05,339
We're behind.
451
00:16:05,372 --> 00:16:06,073
Oh, I know.
452
00:16:06,106 --> 00:16:07,408
We're gonna have to work nights.
453
00:16:07,441 --> 00:16:09,410
Well, as I said, Hap, we're behind,
454
00:16:09,443 --> 00:16:11,979
and I think one of the reasons,
455
00:16:12,012 --> 00:16:16,250
well, probably the main reason...
456
00:16:16,283 --> 00:16:17,351
Hap, what I'm trying to say is
457
00:16:17,384 --> 00:16:19,687
I think we're behind because of you.
458
00:16:19,720 --> 00:16:23,090
Oh. I'm not pulling my weight, huh?
459
00:16:23,123 --> 00:16:26,660
I just spend too much time gabbing about the old days--
460
00:16:26,694 --> 00:16:27,361
is that it?
461
00:16:27,394 --> 00:16:29,830
Well, frankly, yes.
462
00:16:29,863 --> 00:16:34,234
Rob...if you don't mind... I'd like to resign.
463
00:16:34,268 --> 00:16:36,870
Well, Hap, I don't know what to say.
464
00:16:36,904 --> 00:16:37,871
If only you'd...
465
00:16:37,905 --> 00:16:40,174
I'd come up with an idea or a joke.
466
00:16:40,207 --> 00:16:41,775
Or at least tried.
467
00:16:41,809 --> 00:16:43,010
I was afraid.
468
00:16:43,043 --> 00:16:43,811
Afraid?
469
00:16:43,844 --> 00:16:46,213
Yeah...that's why I kept stalling.
470
00:16:46,246 --> 00:16:47,448
Afraid.
471
00:16:47,481 --> 00:16:49,149
I used to think if I only had the chance,
472
00:16:49,183 --> 00:16:50,217
I would show them
473
00:16:50,250 --> 00:16:53,721
I'm still the best comedy writer in the business.
474
00:16:53,754 --> 00:16:58,125
Well, I had my chance.
475
00:16:58,158 --> 00:17:00,728
Much obliged to you.
476
00:17:00,761 --> 00:17:02,696
Oh, I wish it could have turned out differently, Hap.
477
00:17:02,730 --> 00:17:04,732
It's all right.
478
00:17:04,765 --> 00:17:06,700
Maybe it's for the better.
479
00:17:06,734 --> 00:17:07,568
When I get back to the store,
480
00:17:07,601 --> 00:17:10,070
I'll, uh, concentrate on selling ties
481
00:17:10,104 --> 00:17:11,472
instead of daydreaming.
482
00:17:11,505 --> 00:17:13,273
More profit that way.
483
00:17:13,307 --> 00:17:14,742
See ya.
484
00:17:14,775 --> 00:17:15,943
I'm sorry, Hap.
485
00:17:15,976 --> 00:17:18,245
Aw, don't feel bad.
486
00:17:18,278 --> 00:17:21,015
Look, I'm like an old-time baseball player.
487
00:17:21,048 --> 00:17:22,750
I don't want to play the game every day,
488
00:17:22,783 --> 00:17:24,485
I just wanted to know that I could still hit one
489
00:17:24,518 --> 00:17:26,920
out of the ballpark if I felt like it.
490
00:17:26,954 --> 00:17:28,889
Hap, you know, it might be my fault that you didn't.
491
00:17:28,922 --> 00:17:29,690
Nah.
492
00:17:29,723 --> 00:17:31,492
Well, just because you got gray hair
493
00:17:31,525 --> 00:17:32,860
and you used to be my boss,
494
00:17:32,893 --> 00:17:34,094
I think I've been treating you
495
00:17:34,128 --> 00:17:36,230
with the wrong kind of respect.
496
00:17:36,263 --> 00:17:38,799
When you started out with those long reminiscences in here,
497
00:17:38,832 --> 00:17:39,666
I should have said,
498
00:17:39,700 --> 00:17:40,901
"Not now, Hap, we've got work to do."
499
00:17:40,934 --> 00:17:42,102
Nah, you said that a couple of times.
500
00:17:42,136 --> 00:17:44,972
Yeah, but not with the right kind of authority.
501
00:17:45,005 --> 00:17:49,143
Hap, look, you got two weeks' pay from us.
502
00:17:49,176 --> 00:17:50,277
Now I think that might entitle me
503
00:17:50,310 --> 00:17:51,278
to search around in that brain of yours
504
00:17:51,311 --> 00:17:52,112
and find out what's in there
505
00:17:52,146 --> 00:17:54,848
besides old show business stories.
506
00:17:54,882 --> 00:17:55,916
If you find any ideas in there,
507
00:17:55,949 --> 00:17:57,851
they'll be covered over with moss.
508
00:17:57,885 --> 00:17:58,919
You know, why don't we just...
509
00:17:58,952 --> 00:18:00,521
Why don't we just try letting me dig them out--
510
00:18:00,554 --> 00:18:01,789
what do you say?
511
00:18:01,822 --> 00:18:04,024
Well, you'll need a pretty big shovel,
512
00:18:04,058 --> 00:18:06,293
but, go ahead. try.
513
00:18:06,326 --> 00:18:08,929
Okay. now Hap, we've got four minutes of comedy
514
00:18:08,962 --> 00:18:09,963
to fill in the show...
515
00:18:09,997 --> 00:18:10,998
Listen, Rob,
516
00:18:11,031 --> 00:18:13,333
why don't you let an old man resign gracefully?
517
00:18:13,367 --> 00:18:15,502
Hap, what's your favorite kind of comedy?
518
00:18:15,536 --> 00:18:17,838
The kind you can't do on television.
519
00:18:17,871 --> 00:18:18,772
What kind is that?
520
00:18:18,806 --> 00:18:20,274
The kind I couldn't do on radio, either.
521
00:18:20,307 --> 00:18:22,509
Good, old-fashioned slapstick.
522
00:18:22,543 --> 00:18:25,212
Where a guy steps into a bucket of wet cement,
523
00:18:25,245 --> 00:18:27,181
sits on a chair, does a pratfall,
524
00:18:27,214 --> 00:18:29,183
bumps his shin on a desk.
525
00:18:29,216 --> 00:18:31,051
Well, why can't we do that kind of thing on Television?
526
00:18:31,085 --> 00:18:34,021
Because people are too sophisticated and civilized.
527
00:18:34,054 --> 00:18:35,389
It's very easy for a fella to get a laugh
528
00:18:35,422 --> 00:18:37,558
by opening a drawer, closing it,
529
00:18:37,591 --> 00:18:40,494
and getting his hand caught-- awww!
530
00:18:40,527 --> 00:18:41,862
See, you laughed.
531
00:18:41,895 --> 00:18:43,063
I could have broken my finger.
532
00:18:43,097 --> 00:18:44,465
That's not funny, is it?
533
00:18:44,498 --> 00:18:47,401
See, we've learned not to laugh at people's misfortunes.
534
00:18:47,434 --> 00:18:49,803
Hap, let me in there just a second.
535
00:18:49,837 --> 00:18:51,004
Three-and-a-half more minutes,
536
00:18:51,038 --> 00:18:52,372
we've got ourselves a comedy bit.
537
00:18:52,406 --> 00:18:54,074
What bit? I've been giving a lecture.
538
00:18:54,108 --> 00:18:56,210
I know-- that's just what I mean.
539
00:18:56,243 --> 00:18:57,444
Alan Brady's gonna do a lecture
540
00:18:57,478 --> 00:18:59,913
on what people should not laugh at.
541
00:18:59,947 --> 00:19:01,081
Oh, forget about it.
542
00:19:01,115 --> 00:19:01,815
No, come on, come on.
543
00:19:01,849 --> 00:19:03,383
You said comedy is too civilized
544
00:19:03,417 --> 00:19:04,384
( TYPING )
545
00:19:04,418 --> 00:19:05,853
and sophisticated. That's it.
546
00:19:05,886 --> 00:19:08,822
Now what was the, what was the desk drawer...
547
00:19:08,856 --> 00:19:09,757
Okay, hap, would you put
548
00:19:09,790 --> 00:19:10,557
the little chair over here by the piano?
549
00:19:10,591 --> 00:19:12,126
Sure. Hm.
550
00:19:12,159 --> 00:19:13,393
But I don't want a lecture on comedy.
551
00:19:13,427 --> 00:19:14,528
I want comedy.
552
00:19:14,561 --> 00:19:16,530
Besides, Alan's not a lecturer.
553
00:19:16,563 --> 00:19:20,234
Hey, Rob, for once I gotta agree with stupid.
554
00:19:20,267 --> 00:19:21,935
Look, would you guys please reserve your judgment
555
00:19:21,969 --> 00:19:23,570
for five minutes now?
556
00:19:23,604 --> 00:19:25,906
All right. Sit down over there, Mel.
557
00:19:25,939 --> 00:19:26,540
So I guess we're all set.
558
00:19:26,573 --> 00:19:27,875
Yeah, that's good, Hap.
559
00:19:27,908 --> 00:19:29,343
Sit down here. Yeah.
560
00:19:29,376 --> 00:19:31,445
All right. now the scene opens-- now where did I start...
561
00:19:31,478 --> 00:19:32,179
Over at the desk.
562
00:19:32,212 --> 00:19:33,347
Yeah, at the desk.
563
00:19:33,380 --> 00:19:35,249
Okay.
564
00:19:35,282 --> 00:19:38,252
The scene will open with Alan seated at a desk
565
00:19:38,285 --> 00:19:39,153
with his, uh, script.
566
00:19:39,186 --> 00:19:40,988
He has the sheaf of papers in his hand.
567
00:19:41,021 --> 00:19:42,856
And he starts out by saying,
568
00:19:42,890 --> 00:19:45,259
"I would like to discuss with you,
569
00:19:45,292 --> 00:19:48,595
"uh, the development of comedy in this country today,
570
00:19:48,629 --> 00:19:50,998
"and I'm very happy to report to you
571
00:19:51,031 --> 00:19:53,000
"that it's reached a level of sophistication
572
00:19:53,033 --> 00:19:55,502
"of which we could be very, very proud.
573
00:19:55,536 --> 00:19:57,404
"you know, we no longer laugh at the things
574
00:19:57,437 --> 00:19:59,206
"our grandparents laughed at.
575
00:19:59,239 --> 00:20:02,543
"by that I mean low humor and slapstick comedy--
576
00:20:02,576 --> 00:20:04,011
"that humor which gets its laughter
577
00:20:04,044 --> 00:20:07,247
"from cruelty and physical pain."
578
00:20:07,281 --> 00:20:08,182
"most, uh--"
579
00:20:11,652 --> 00:20:14,154
Ow! ( GROANS )
580
00:20:15,255 --> 00:20:16,557
Ow!
581
00:20:19,159 --> 00:20:23,430
"Now, there's nothing funny today about people in pain.
582
00:20:23,463 --> 00:20:24,998
"Back in ancient times,
583
00:20:25,032 --> 00:20:27,367
"I suppose that primitive man used to laugh
584
00:20:27,401 --> 00:20:29,403
"if somebody had some kind of physical pain."
585
00:20:35,042 --> 00:20:35,676
"look at that.
586
00:20:35,709 --> 00:20:39,213
( GRUNTS, GROANS )
587
00:20:39,246 --> 00:20:40,314
Ah-huh.
588
00:20:40,347 --> 00:20:42,482
"Uh, but today, modern people won't fall for that,
589
00:20:42,516 --> 00:20:45,152
"for that uh, for that kind of humor.
590
00:20:45,185 --> 00:20:46,687
"The modern comedian gets his laughs
591
00:20:46,720 --> 00:20:48,322
by using his intellect..."
592
00:20:49,489 --> 00:20:50,991
"and you see he doesn't stoop to low,
593
00:20:51,024 --> 00:20:52,626
physical kind of comedy."
594
00:21:01,568 --> 00:21:05,505
"Ha, oh, that's uh.
595
00:21:05,539 --> 00:21:07,374
"Only an infantile mind, ladies and gentlemen,
596
00:21:07,407 --> 00:21:09,710
"would laugh at a--at a--uh, man
597
00:21:09,743 --> 00:21:15,015
"who was in some kind of pain, possibly uh, blood poisoning."
598
00:21:15,048 --> 00:21:17,517
"Uh, probably a little child would laugh at that,
599
00:21:17,551 --> 00:21:18,652
"but you and I wouldn't."
600
00:21:31,565 --> 00:21:33,200
Oh boy!
601
00:21:36,069 --> 00:21:37,204
"Hm.
602
00:21:39,006 --> 00:21:40,073
"Phew!"
603
00:21:44,177 --> 00:21:46,513
"Today's, today's modern-day comedian comes out
604
00:21:46,546 --> 00:21:49,349
"in front of his audience with a relaxed manner
605
00:21:49,383 --> 00:21:50,417
"and approaches them intellectually,
606
00:21:50,450 --> 00:21:51,752
"with a stool or a chair,
607
00:21:51,785 --> 00:21:53,020
"and talks to them in a relaxed..."
608
00:22:08,035 --> 00:22:12,673
"as Professor Sigmund Freud once said...
609
00:22:12,706 --> 00:22:14,474
"laughing at people in pain
610
00:22:14,508 --> 00:22:17,611
"is a manifestation of a deep-seated hostility."
611
00:22:28,689 --> 00:22:29,990
"But people, people..."
612
00:22:33,193 --> 00:22:36,630
"Oooh, oooh, oooh, hm."
613
00:22:43,770 --> 00:22:46,173
"Professor Freud would not have laughed
614
00:22:46,206 --> 00:22:48,208
"at a man who hurt his foot."
615
00:22:50,143 --> 00:22:51,378
"Thank goodness we have reached a point
616
00:22:51,411 --> 00:22:52,746
"in our civilization today
617
00:22:52,779 --> 00:22:54,348
"where we no longer laugh at people
618
00:22:54,381 --> 00:22:55,449
"destroying themselves."
619
00:23:06,526 --> 00:23:08,328
"I'm very happy, I'm very happy to say
620
00:23:08,362 --> 00:23:10,430
"that you'd have to look over the world
621
00:23:10,464 --> 00:23:14,234
"to find someone who would laugh at a man, say, falling down--
622
00:23:14,267 --> 00:23:15,702
"oh, no...
623
00:23:35,355 --> 00:23:37,324
Hey, Hap, I gotta tell you about that comedy bit.
624
00:23:37,357 --> 00:23:38,825
We've had phone calls all day.
625
00:23:38,859 --> 00:23:40,560
Say, I got some phone calls here.
626
00:23:40,594 --> 00:23:42,195
Some people saw my credit on the screen.
627
00:23:42,229 --> 00:23:43,363
Ha-ha-ha.
628
00:23:43,397 --> 00:23:44,598
Hap, you know something?
629
00:23:44,631 --> 00:23:45,465
I don't think you should have resigned.
630
00:23:45,499 --> 00:23:46,767
I think Alan Brady would love to have you
631
00:23:46,800 --> 00:23:48,168
around that office.
632
00:23:48,201 --> 00:23:49,836
Look, I'm glad the bit was a big success,
633
00:23:49,870 --> 00:23:52,172
and I'm flattered that you want me to work for you,
634
00:23:52,205 --> 00:23:54,274
but writing comedy on a weekly basis
635
00:23:54,307 --> 00:23:55,375
is not for me.
636
00:23:55,409 --> 00:23:56,643
Heh, heh-- not at my age.
637
00:23:56,676 --> 00:23:59,279
Aw, Hap, you're too young to retire.
638
00:23:59,312 --> 00:24:00,447
Who's retiring?
639
00:24:00,480 --> 00:24:05,318
I got my tie shop-- and my typewriter.
640
00:24:05,352 --> 00:24:06,186
If I come up with anything good,
641
00:24:06,219 --> 00:24:08,288
I'll be most happy to send it to you.
642
00:24:08,321 --> 00:24:10,157
Oh, Hap, I couldn't accept comedy--
643
00:24:10,190 --> 00:24:12,225
look, you can do an old man a great favor.
644
00:24:12,259 --> 00:24:13,360
I'll doodle around on the typewriter,
645
00:24:13,393 --> 00:24:15,462
and if I find anything that sounds the least bit funny,
646
00:24:15,495 --> 00:24:17,397
I'll be glad to give it to you.
647
00:24:17,431 --> 00:24:18,865
All right, but what can I do for you?
648
00:24:18,899 --> 00:24:20,434
Aw, forget about it.
649
00:24:20,467 --> 00:24:22,569
If you like the material and if you use it,
650
00:24:22,602 --> 00:24:26,239
drop in, say hello, and bring me a lot of money.
651
00:24:27,908 --> 00:24:29,209
Okay, Hap. It's a deal.
652
00:24:29,242 --> 00:24:30,010
Thank you very much, Rob.
653
00:24:30,043 --> 00:24:31,878
Good-bye, and my best to Laura.
654
00:24:31,912 --> 00:24:33,447
Hey now!
655
00:24:33,480 --> 00:24:37,784
( MUSIC PLAYING )
656
00:24:39,920 --> 00:24:42,622
( THEME MUSIC PLAYING )
46866
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