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ANNOUNCER: The Dick Van Dyke Show!
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( MUSIC PLAYING )
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Get up, Buddy. You're too high.
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( AUDIENCE LAUGHTER THROUGHOUT THE SHOW )
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Yeah, that's much better.
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Are you sure you know what you're doing?
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Oh, of course I know what I'm doing.
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I've given haircuts to a lot of people.
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Name one. Yul Brynner.
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Hey, Buddy, you've got an awful lot of hair here.
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Which one do you want cut?
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Oh, come on... ( MUMBLES )
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Come on. Don't you know when you're being kidded,
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for goodness' sake.
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It isn't easy to cut your hair.
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It's very wavy.
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My hair is straight. It's my scalp that's wavy.
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Hey, listen. I got a...
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Sorry, sir. You'll have to wait.
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You're next.
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What do you think you're doing?
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I think she's cutting my hair.
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What does it look like back there?
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Looks like she's cutting your hair.
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Hey, Buddy, did you have a hamburger for lunch?
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No, why?
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You got ketchup all over the back of your neck.
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I think I've got a finish for that sketch.
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Alan comes in.
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He's got his packages in his arms,
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and he's been shopping... Uh, hold it, Sal.
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Wait a minute, Rob. Aren't you forgetting something?
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What?
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That sketch is about the turn of the century.
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No man would be out shopping in those days.
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Well, we'll assume his wife sent him then.
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She wouldn't dare.
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Why wouldn't she dare?
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Because in those days women knew their place
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the man ruled his home with an iron hand,
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and if you ask me, it's still a pretty good idea.
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What's so good about ruling the home with an iron hand?
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Comes in handy for cracking walnuts.
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Nah, I still think that was a great time to live.
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Gee, I remember when my father came home,
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my mother always had his favorite dinner
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all ready for him,
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and she'd get his pipe and slippers,
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and us kids had to address him as "Sir".
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So?
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So today you come home, your wife's out playing canasta,
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you've got to defrost your own dinner,
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and you're lucky if the kids talk to you at all.
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Oh, Buddy, you're exaggerating.
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Yeah, you see, you're brainwashed.
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We're all brainwashed.
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Is that right, Sal?
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Don't ask me I'm only the barber.
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I read a magazine article that said we're living
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in the decline of the American male.
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You believe everything you read?
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It's a high-class magazine. It costs 60 cents,
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and there wasn't one girlie picture in it.
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Well, I don't feel I've declined.
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No, huh?
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The only thing a guy can do around the house today
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without asking his wife's permission
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is take out the garbage.
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It's not that way in our house.
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I don't say we always succeed,
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but we try to do everything on a 50/50 basis.
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Yeah, I got one of those 50/50 marriages, too.
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I work all day, and then I go home
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and do 50% of my wife's work.
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When I do something around our house,
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it's because I want to
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and not because Laura ordered me to.
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Yeah, I guess it was your idea just now to run out
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and pick up some groceries.
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So I picked up a pound of liverwurst, so what?
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It's the principle that matters, Rob.
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Your job is writing comedy.
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Laura's job is picking up the liverwurst.
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Hey, Buddy did you have a fight with your wife this morning?
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We never fight in the morning.
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Pickles don't get up before noon.
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Oh, yeah, I forgot.
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Well, I don't see anything wrong
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with doing a little shopping.
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You see you're hiding a brown paper bag
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the symbol of the loss of man's authority.
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I tell you, Rob, today the average American male
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can't fight his way out of a brown paper bag.
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Are you trying to make me feel ashamed
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because I carried a brown paper bag?
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Yeah, my mother wouldn't dare ask my father
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to carry a brown paper bag.
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Boy, she even had his lunch gift-wrapped.
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I tell you, Rob,
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you're... you're just ruining it
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for guys like my father and me.
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Look, you don't have to carry a brown paper bag
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just because I do.
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Sally, what do you think?
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In the battle of the sexes, you're neutral.
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Buddy, you have two ears.
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Would you like to try for one?
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I didn't mean it like that.
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I mean it's... it's husband and wife stuff
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what do you think?
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Well, I'm on Rob's side.
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I think he's the kind of a husband every woman wants.
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Yeah, because as a hen, you realize he's easy to peck.
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Now look, just because I pick up a pound of liverwurst
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and take out the garbage and make a bed once in a while
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You make the beds?
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Really?
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Well, I can, if it's necessary.
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Nobody orders me to.
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So I just make a bed because
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as a dutiful housewife you can't say no.
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Oh now, wait a minute.
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I say no to my wife a lot of times.
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If I had a nickel
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for every time I said no to my wife today
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you'd have change for a dime.
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( PHONE RINGS )
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Hello.
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Hello, Rob?
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What's wrong?
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Oh, n-n-nothing, dear.
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Oh, it's the boss lady. I dare you to say no.
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I'll give you a nickel for every time you do.
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You're on!
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What's on your mind, honey?
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Would you mind if we just had cold cuts tonight?
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No.
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That's one you owe 'em.
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LAURA: Well, when you pick up the liverwurst,
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will you get some cheese, some cole slaw,
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some rye bread, a bunch of bananas
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you want to write this down?
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No!
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You're not going to write it down?
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No!
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LAURA: Rob, are you mad at me or something?
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No, no!
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LAURA: You mad at Buddy and Sally?
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Six, no.
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LAURA: Honey, are things going well at the office?
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No!
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Oh, well then I won't keep you, dear.
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I hope you don't bring this negative mood home with you.
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Will you be late?
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No, I won't.
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Goodbye, dear.
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I'd say you don't know our chief
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as well as you think you do.
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Yeah.
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Hey, Rob, you really aren't afraid to say no to Laura,
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are you?
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Well, not if I feel that "no" is the proper answer.
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Can we... Uh, get down to work?
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How much more before you'll be through, Sal?
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I haven't even started.
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What do you mean you've been clipping away there
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for 15 minutes?
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( CHUCKLES ) with only half a scissor.
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( LAUGHS )
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Gotcha, didn't I?
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Aw, come on. You see that, Rob
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the men used to be the guys with the practical jokes.
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The women are taking over everything.
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I tell you, the next thing you know,
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they'll want the vote.
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We got it.
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See.
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Honey, I'm home.
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LAURA: Be with you in a minute, dear.
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Hi, Rich.
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Hi, Rob.
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Rob?
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Where did you get that Rob stuff?
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That's what Laura calls you.
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Well, it's all right...
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Laura?
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Whatever happened to mommy and daddy?
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Freddy calls his mommy and daddy by their names.
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Uh-huh. Well, young man,
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from now on, you will call me daddy,
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and that lady in the kitchen is to be called mommy.
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Okay, and you can call me Richie.
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Hi, honey. Hi.
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Did you lose that mood you were in?
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Oh, yeah. I'm fine now.
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Hey, we wrote a couple of good sketches today.
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Oh? Mommy, where's my toast?
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You'll have it in a minute, dear.
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I'm fixing the toaster.
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You go get ready for your bath now.
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Okay.
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Honey, when you finish putting the groceries away,
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would you mind setting the table?
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Oh, sure.
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You know, Buddy and I had an interesting discussion today.
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He claims American males are on the decline.
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Honey, hand me those pliers, will you please?
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Yeah.
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He says American men aren't what they used to be
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that the woman is taking over the male place in the home.
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Darling, the forks go on the other side.
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Oh.
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He says that American husbands are nothing anymore
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that nobody even pays any attention to what they say.
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What do you think?
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Honey?
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Oh, I'm sorry, dear I wasn't paying attention.
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What did you say?
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I was talking to you.
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What were you thinking about?
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LAURA: Well, it's just that it's getting late,
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and Richie hasn't even had his bath yet.
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I was trying to decide whether to finish fixing this
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or wash his hair.
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Oh.
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Well, you go ahead with that, honey, I'll wash his hair.
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Oh, would you dear I'd appreciate it.
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Listen, don't get your clothes wet.
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No, I won't.
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I'll wear my...uh...barbecue apron.
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Where is it?
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Oh, I put it in the laundry.
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Well, use mine. It's hanging up there.
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Oh, okay.
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( DOORBELL )
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Would get it, honey?
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Yeah.
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Oh, I beg your pardon, madam. Is your husband at home?
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Very funny.
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Now don't get upset, Rob. It was a natural mistake.
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I didn't recognize you without your purse.
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LAURA: Who is it, dear?
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Nobody important, just the neighborhood smart aleck.
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LAURA: Oh, hi Jerry.
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Hi, Laura. Thanks a lot.
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LAURA: You're welcome.
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Hey, Rob. I just dropped over to see if you wanted
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ROB: Bowling, huh? To go bowling later.
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Rob, I thought you were going to give him a bath?
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No thanks. I just had a bath before I came over.
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You are a smart aleck.
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Well, what do you say, Rob?
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Millie gave me permission to go bowling tonight.
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Do you think you can get permission?
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Well, I can go bowling
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without getting my wife's permission, can't I?
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Can't I?
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Well, of course you can, dear.
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You don't need my permission to go bowling.
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Good.
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It's just that you played poker Tuesday night,
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you went bowling Wednesday, but that's all right.
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I don't mind watching television alone.
264
00:08:42,530 --> 00:08:44,966
Well, I've got this television show I want to watch
265
00:08:44,999 --> 00:08:46,501
Sorry, Jer some other time.
266
00:08:46,534 --> 00:08:47,635
Well, when do you think you...
267
00:08:47,668 --> 00:08:49,270
Never mind. I'll check with Laura later.
268
00:08:49,303 --> 00:08:51,472
Wait a minute. We'll set a definite date right now.
269
00:08:51,506 --> 00:08:52,540
I'll walk over with you.
270
00:08:52,573 --> 00:08:54,408
No you better not, Rob. Not the way you're dressed.
271
00:08:54,442 --> 00:08:57,812
Millie might see us together, and you know how jealous she is.
272
00:08:57,845 --> 00:08:59,313
I'll walk with you.
273
00:08:59,347 --> 00:09:00,515
Oh, darling, if you're going outside,
274
00:09:00,548 --> 00:09:01,482
would you mind going around back
275
00:09:01,516 --> 00:09:03,518
and bringing the laundry in from the line?
276
00:09:05,620 --> 00:09:06,888
Laundry?
277
00:09:06,921 --> 00:09:09,290
Yeah, you know, sheets, linens, underwear.
278
00:09:09,323 --> 00:09:10,791
Yeah, I know, laundry.
279
00:09:12,827 --> 00:09:14,896
You want me to bring in the laundry?
280
00:09:14,929 --> 00:09:17,298
Yes. Why the furrowed brow?
281
00:09:17,331 --> 00:09:18,699
Well, uh, n-n-nothing.
282
00:09:18,733 --> 00:09:19,667
It's just that I don't remember
283
00:09:19,700 --> 00:09:22,703
your ever asking me to bring it in before.
284
00:09:22,737 --> 00:09:23,638
Did you ever?
285
00:09:23,671 --> 00:09:25,006
You know this is a very exciting discussion,
286
00:09:25,039 --> 00:09:26,407
and I'd love to see how it turns out,
287
00:09:26,440 --> 00:09:27,875
but I've got this steak on the barbecue.
288
00:09:27,909 --> 00:09:28,709
See you, Rob.
289
00:09:28,743 --> 00:09:29,710
Oh, Jerry, listen,
290
00:09:29,744 --> 00:09:30,711
would you give these pliers back to Millie?
291
00:09:30,745 --> 00:09:32,980
Oh, yeah, thanks. These are her favorite pliers.
292
00:09:33,014 --> 00:09:33,948
Tell her I said thank you.
293
00:09:33,981 --> 00:09:35,716
Okay. See you girls later.
294
00:09:38,586 --> 00:09:39,720
Now what's all this about the laundry?
295
00:09:39,754 --> 00:09:42,690
Well, nothing I don't believe I ever brought it in before.
296
00:09:42,723 --> 00:09:44,292
Well, there's no trick, darling.
297
00:09:44,325 --> 00:09:46,827
Just remove the clothespins and pull.
298
00:09:46,861 --> 00:09:48,563
It's fun you ought to try it.
299
00:09:48,596 --> 00:09:49,697
Honey, you bring in the laundry.
300
00:09:49,730 --> 00:09:51,832
Okay, then you fix Richie's toast.
301
00:09:51,866 --> 00:09:54,402
No, you fix Richie's toast.
302
00:09:54,435 --> 00:09:55,970
Well, what are you going to do?
303
00:09:56,003 --> 00:09:59,874
Well, I'm going to sit down and read the newspaper.
304
00:09:59,907 --> 00:10:00,942
Rob, instead of reading the newspaper,
305
00:10:00,975 --> 00:10:01,876
you could wash...
306
00:10:01,909 --> 00:10:03,744
I said that I'm going to read the newspaper,
307
00:10:03,778 --> 00:10:04,845
and I meant it.
308
00:10:09,717 --> 00:10:11,018
ROB: And bring me a cigar .
309
00:10:11,052 --> 00:10:12,987
Oh, you don't smoke cigars.
310
00:10:14,855 --> 00:10:16,991
Maybe I ought to start.
311
00:10:17,024 --> 00:10:19,026
At least it would make me feel like a man.
312
00:10:19,060 --> 00:10:22,563
( MUSIC PLAYING )
313
00:10:32,907 --> 00:10:34,075
Feeling better, dear?
314
00:10:34,108 --> 00:10:35,643
Uh, I'm not sure yet.
315
00:10:35,676 --> 00:10:38,279
Oh, just put the blanket at the foot of the bed, please.
316
00:10:43,351 --> 00:10:44,452
Did you look in on Richie?
317
00:10:44,485 --> 00:10:45,786
Yeah. He's sound asleep.
318
00:10:45,820 --> 00:10:46,854
Check the doors?
319
00:10:46,887 --> 00:10:49,757
Yes, I checked the doors, I lowered the blinds,
320
00:10:49,790 --> 00:10:52,059
I set the alarm, and I put out the cat.
321
00:10:52,093 --> 00:10:54,395
Rob, we don't have a cat.
322
00:10:54,428 --> 00:10:55,329
No, but if we did have one,
323
00:10:55,363 --> 00:10:57,498
it would be my job to put him out, right?
324
00:10:59,033 --> 00:11:00,835
You know, that's the tenth reference like that
325
00:11:00,868 --> 00:11:01,802
you've made this evening.
326
00:11:01,836 --> 00:11:03,337
Now what brought all this on?
327
00:11:03,371 --> 00:11:04,705
You'd know if you'd been listening to me
328
00:11:04,739 --> 00:11:05,573
in the kitchen this afternoon.
329
00:11:05,606 --> 00:11:07,341
We had a discussion in the office today.
330
00:11:07,375 --> 00:11:08,876
Buddy read a magazine article
331
00:11:08,909 --> 00:11:10,678
that said the American male is on the decline.
332
00:11:10,711 --> 00:11:12,346
Oh, you are not.
333
00:11:12,380 --> 00:11:14,415
Honey, just look at all the jobs I've done
334
00:11:14,448 --> 00:11:15,516
since I got home this evening.
335
00:11:15,549 --> 00:11:17,752
I set the table, I washed Richie's hair,
336
00:11:17,785 --> 00:11:19,086
I fixed him milk and cookies,
337
00:11:19,120 --> 00:11:21,088
brought in your blanket, helped you with the dishes,
338
00:11:21,122 --> 00:11:23,391
lowered the blinds, and tucked Richie in.
339
00:11:23,424 --> 00:11:24,425
Did you set the thermostat?
340
00:11:24,458 --> 00:11:25,092
Oh.
341
00:11:28,529 --> 00:11:29,397
See?
342
00:11:29,430 --> 00:11:31,732
How did I get all these homey duties?
343
00:11:31,766 --> 00:11:33,868
Well, the thermostat's on your side.
344
00:11:33,901 --> 00:11:35,002
How did I get this side?
345
00:11:35,036 --> 00:11:37,104
You picked it.
346
00:11:37,138 --> 00:11:39,040
No, I've got a funny feeling you picked it for me.
347
00:11:39,073 --> 00:11:41,676
Rob, that's ridiculous.
348
00:11:41,709 --> 00:11:44,378
Well, it is not ridiculous. You forced it on me.
349
00:11:44,412 --> 00:11:47,882
This side is closer to the thermostat and the drape,
350
00:11:47,915 --> 00:11:49,550
the television set, the front door,
351
00:11:49,583 --> 00:11:51,052
Richie's room, and the garbage.
352
00:11:53,020 --> 00:11:55,389
My side is closer to the whole house.
353
00:11:56,657 --> 00:11:58,759
Rob, aren't you exaggerating, just a little?
354
00:11:58,793 --> 00:12:00,628
Exaggerating, what about tonight?
355
00:12:00,661 --> 00:12:01,662
What about it?
356
00:12:01,696 --> 00:12:03,898
I almost got another homey job
357
00:12:03,931 --> 00:12:05,433
taking in the laundry.
358
00:12:05,466 --> 00:12:07,401
Darling, the only reason I asked you to help me
359
00:12:07,435 --> 00:12:09,036
is so that I can get finished a little earlier
360
00:12:09,070 --> 00:12:11,806
so that we'll have more leisure time together.
361
00:12:11,839 --> 00:12:13,407
Together?
362
00:12:13,441 --> 00:12:15,476
I spend all my leisure time checking the thermostat,
363
00:12:15,509 --> 00:12:18,012
washing Richie's hair and almost taking in the laundry.
364
00:12:19,647 --> 00:12:22,750
I'd like to have a little leisure time to myself.
365
00:12:22,783 --> 00:12:24,485
For what?
366
00:12:24,518 --> 00:12:27,521
Well, I... to do things that I want to do...
367
00:12:27,555 --> 00:12:28,923
Smoking cigars.
368
00:12:30,791 --> 00:12:31,992
Whatever I want to do
369
00:12:32,026 --> 00:12:34,695
tapping on a table if I want to.
370
00:12:34,729 --> 00:12:35,696
Whatever.
371
00:12:35,730 --> 00:12:37,932
Well, darling, because you were doing things
372
00:12:37,965 --> 00:12:39,533
like washing Richie's hair,
373
00:12:39,567 --> 00:12:41,602
I was able to do something for you.
374
00:12:41,635 --> 00:12:42,703
What did you do for me?
375
00:12:42,737 --> 00:12:44,138
I washed my hair.
376
00:12:45,973 --> 00:12:47,908
You washed your hair for me?
377
00:12:47,942 --> 00:12:49,009
Mm-hm. Well, the next time
378
00:12:49,043 --> 00:12:51,479
you want to do something for me, wash my hair for me.
379
00:12:53,180 --> 00:12:54,548
Oh, I see.
380
00:12:54,582 --> 00:12:56,650
You don't care how I look anymore.
381
00:12:56,684 --> 00:12:59,820
Well, I happen to be keeping my hair soft and shiny for you.
382
00:12:59,854 --> 00:13:01,589
Yeah, well, I don't have the time to notice it
383
00:13:01,622 --> 00:13:05,593
because I'm too busy keeping Richie's hair soft and shiny.
384
00:13:05,626 --> 00:13:06,794
You know, if I had a tape recording
385
00:13:06,827 --> 00:13:09,463
of what you just said, you'd think it's as silly as I do.
386
00:13:09,497 --> 00:13:10,531
All right, it might sound silly to you,
387
00:13:10,564 --> 00:13:12,933
but there is a lot of truth in there, somewhere.
388
00:13:14,902 --> 00:13:16,904
All of this just because Buddy read an article
389
00:13:16,937 --> 00:13:18,873
in some cheap magazine.
390
00:13:18,906 --> 00:13:19,740
Cheap?
391
00:13:19,774 --> 00:13:22,543
A 60-center with no girlie pictures?
392
00:13:22,576 --> 00:13:24,645
Shh, you'll wake Richie.
393
00:13:24,678 --> 00:13:27,047
I've got a right to, I tucked him in.
394
00:13:27,081 --> 00:13:27,782
All right, Rob.
395
00:13:27,815 --> 00:13:28,916
Would you rather I didn't ask you
396
00:13:28,949 --> 00:13:30,484
to help around the house?
397
00:13:30,518 --> 00:13:31,485
Well, I'm not sure,
398
00:13:31,519 --> 00:13:33,788
but I think it might be better if you didn't.
399
00:13:33,821 --> 00:13:34,889
Better for whom?
400
00:13:34,922 --> 00:13:37,491
For meem, that's whom.
401
00:13:37,525 --> 00:13:39,760
And for the American male that's whom.
402
00:13:39,794 --> 00:13:41,061
Okay, American male.
403
00:13:41,095 --> 00:13:44,198
I won't ask you to help around the house anymore.
404
00:13:48,202 --> 00:13:52,173
Are we finished fighting...darling?
405
00:13:52,206 --> 00:13:55,943
Uh, yeah, until I think up some good arguments.
406
00:13:55,976 --> 00:13:57,711
While you're thinking, would you turn the set on, honey?
407
00:14:00,548 --> 00:14:01,916
Boy, am I brainwashed.
408
00:14:01,949 --> 00:14:03,184
You turn it on!
409
00:14:05,286 --> 00:14:06,554
Brainwashed!
410
00:14:08,189 --> 00:14:11,525
I really wish I had a recording of what you're saying.
411
00:14:11,559 --> 00:14:12,793
You know, you may think of yourself
412
00:14:12,827 --> 00:14:14,528
as a brainwashed American male,
413
00:14:14,562 --> 00:14:15,830
but as far as I'm concerned,
414
00:14:15,863 --> 00:14:18,999
you're a thoughtful, considerate husband.
415
00:14:19,033 --> 00:14:22,803
Yeah...thoughtful, considerate, and declining.
416
00:14:24,672 --> 00:14:26,040
Good night, honey. Night.
417
00:14:26,073 --> 00:14:28,175
( PIANO PLAYING )
418
00:14:28,209 --> 00:14:28,909
( CHUCKLING )
419
00:14:28,943 --> 00:14:30,644
Boy, this is really an old movie.
420
00:14:30,678 --> 00:14:34,215
Look at the funny clothes John Gilbert is wearing.
421
00:14:34,248 --> 00:14:36,217
No wonder. It's Gloria Swanson.
422
00:14:38,018 --> 00:14:39,320
No, I mean the other one.
423
00:14:39,353 --> 00:14:41,622
Look at the derby and those spats.
424
00:14:41,655 --> 00:14:43,224
Well, the clothes might look funny to you,
425
00:14:43,257 --> 00:14:45,159
but a lot of people think
426
00:14:45,192 --> 00:14:47,228
that was a pretty good time to live.
427
00:14:47,261 --> 00:14:48,762
Shh, honey.
428
00:14:48,796 --> 00:14:50,698
What are you shushing it's a silent movie.
429
00:14:53,234 --> 00:14:54,969
A pretty good time to live, all right.
430
00:14:56,237 --> 00:15:00,941
In those days a man was a man...
431
00:15:00,975 --> 00:15:03,711
Master of his own house.
432
00:15:03,744 --> 00:15:06,213
( MUSIC PLAYING )
433
00:15:24,398 --> 00:15:25,266
( SIGHS )
434
00:15:25,299 --> 00:15:27,034
( SIGHS ) Hello, son.
435
00:15:27,067 --> 00:15:28,235
Hello, mother.
436
00:15:34,742 --> 00:15:36,710
Did you have a hard day at the factory, son?
437
00:15:36,744 --> 00:15:38,312
You look all worn out?
438
00:15:38,345 --> 00:15:40,180
No, mother. Today was payday.
439
00:15:40,214 --> 00:15:41,882
Here's my week's salary.
440
00:15:43,817 --> 00:15:45,252
Nine cents?
441
00:15:45,286 --> 00:15:48,188
You got a raise! Good boy!
442
00:15:48,222 --> 00:15:50,090
ROB: Mrs. Petrie? I'm home.
443
00:15:50,124 --> 00:15:51,659
Quick, help me straighten up the house.
444
00:15:51,692 --> 00:15:53,827
( MUSIC PLAYING )
445
00:16:13,981 --> 00:16:15,215
Good evening, Mr. Petrie.
446
00:16:15,249 --> 00:16:16,350
Good evening, sir.
447
00:16:16,383 --> 00:16:18,085
Aw, shut up!
448
00:16:29,263 --> 00:16:32,366
My paper my cigar and a shoeshine.
449
00:16:43,143 --> 00:16:43,944
ROB: Stop playing with that match
450
00:16:43,978 --> 00:16:45,245
and give me my cigar!
451
00:16:47,081 --> 00:16:48,315
That's why you've got heartburn.
452
00:16:52,119 --> 00:16:53,821
My ice water.
453
00:16:53,854 --> 00:16:54,755
Yes sir.
454
00:17:01,128 --> 00:17:02,429
Well, where's the ice water?
455
00:17:02,463 --> 00:17:04,131
We've run out of ice!
456
00:17:04,164 --> 00:17:05,866
How?
457
00:17:05,899 --> 00:17:07,801
It melted.
458
00:17:07,835 --> 00:17:09,336
You let our ice melt?
459
00:17:12,106 --> 00:17:15,075
Woman, don't stand there gawking go get some!
460
00:17:15,109 --> 00:17:17,711
Never mind the shawl go!
461
00:17:17,745 --> 00:17:19,246
Boy, get me your mother's shawl.
462
00:17:19,279 --> 00:17:20,714
It's cold in here.
463
00:17:24,251 --> 00:17:25,419
Boy, it's only 5:30.
464
00:17:25,452 --> 00:17:27,354
What are you doing home from the factory?
465
00:17:27,388 --> 00:17:30,791
It's Saturday, sir. Only half a day today.
466
00:17:30,824 --> 00:17:32,459
Boy, read the want ads
467
00:17:32,493 --> 00:17:35,262
and find yourself a Saturday night job.
468
00:17:35,295 --> 00:17:37,965
But, Mr. Petrie, darling, I can't read.
469
00:17:37,998 --> 00:17:40,834
You can so read!
470
00:17:40,868 --> 00:17:42,069
I cannot.
471
00:17:42,102 --> 00:17:44,872
Boy, this is my dream you can read, now go
472
00:17:44,905 --> 00:17:46,073
find yourself a job!
473
00:17:46,106 --> 00:17:47,841
Yes, sir.
474
00:17:50,344 --> 00:17:52,312
ROB: Why didn't you get a bigger piece of ice?
475
00:17:52,346 --> 00:17:54,014
Get me my dinner!
476
00:17:54,048 --> 00:17:55,849
What took you so long?
477
00:17:55,883 --> 00:17:57,151
What in the world is that?
478
00:17:57,184 --> 00:17:58,852
Liverwurst jubilee, sir.
479
00:18:01,088 --> 00:18:03,023
Oh, very good, very good.
480
00:18:03,057 --> 00:18:04,925
Looks delicious.
481
00:18:06,026 --> 00:18:07,428
I'd better let it cool off a little.
482
00:18:12,866 --> 00:18:14,401
Woman, what are you doing?
483
00:18:14,435 --> 00:18:16,970
I just thought I'd have my crust of bread, sir.
484
00:18:17,004 --> 00:18:19,373
Give me that. Before you do the dishes?
485
00:18:19,406 --> 00:18:20,841
Get in there and do those dishes!
486
00:18:28,148 --> 00:18:30,217
Mrs. Petrie, will you come here?
487
00:18:30,250 --> 00:18:32,786
That fork is on the wrong side!
488
00:18:34,521 --> 00:18:36,790
May I have my crust of bread now?
489
00:18:36,824 --> 00:18:39,059
Before you scrub those floors?
490
00:18:39,093 --> 00:18:40,327
The floors aren't dirty, sir.
491
00:18:42,096 --> 00:18:43,530
They are now.
492
00:18:43,564 --> 00:18:47,101
But sir, I'm so hungry.
493
00:18:47,134 --> 00:18:49,136
Oh, all right!
494
00:18:49,169 --> 00:18:51,972
You can eat while you're scrubbing the floors.
495
00:18:52,005 --> 00:18:53,107
Oh, thank you, sir.
496
00:18:53,140 --> 00:18:54,408
Bless you, sir.
497
00:18:58,378 --> 00:19:02,015
ROB: Wash those floors good I like my floors soft and shiny.
498
00:19:03,317 --> 00:19:04,551
As soon as you finish those floors,
499
00:19:04,585 --> 00:19:05,853
then come here, woman.
500
00:19:05,886 --> 00:19:07,121
Now you've had your dinner
501
00:19:07,154 --> 00:19:08,222
I want you to bring in the laundry,
502
00:19:08,255 --> 00:19:10,891
take out the garbage, and turn on the television set.
503
00:19:10,924 --> 00:19:12,993
But it hasn't been invented yet, sir.
504
00:19:13,026 --> 00:19:15,129
They've had garbage for years.
505
00:19:16,864 --> 00:19:19,099
No, sir. I meant television.
506
00:19:19,133 --> 00:19:20,567
ROB: No television?
507
00:19:20,601 --> 00:19:22,002
What do you expect me to look at after dinner you?
508
00:19:22,035 --> 00:19:25,339
With your hard, dull hair.
509
00:19:25,372 --> 00:19:27,908
Don't you ever wash your hair?
510
00:19:27,941 --> 00:19:29,543
You disgust me!
511
00:19:29,576 --> 00:19:32,379
I've been busy laundering your shirts.
512
00:19:32,412 --> 00:19:35,849
You've been busy laundering my shirts, have you?
513
00:19:35,883 --> 00:19:37,451
No, you haven't, woman.
514
00:19:37,484 --> 00:19:39,520
This shirt is filthy it needs laundering.
515
00:19:39,553 --> 00:19:41,955
As a matter of fact, this whole suit needs pressing.
516
00:19:52,966 --> 00:19:55,369
There you are, sir. I hope that's satisfactory.
517
00:19:55,402 --> 00:19:58,105
Well, woman. It's 6 o'clock time for bed.
518
00:19:58,138 --> 00:19:59,206
Just a minute, woman.
519
00:20:02,409 --> 00:20:03,911
Haven't you forgotten something?
520
00:20:03,944 --> 00:20:04,912
What, sir?
521
00:20:04,945 --> 00:20:07,581
My weekly Saturday night kiss.
522
00:20:07,614 --> 00:20:10,150
Well, I can't kiss you, sir.
523
00:20:10,184 --> 00:20:11,885
Why not?
524
00:20:11,919 --> 00:20:15,556
Because I'm too tired... And too ugly.
525
00:20:17,558 --> 00:20:19,426
That's true.
526
00:20:19,459 --> 00:20:22,930
Besides, kissing takes up too much of my...leisure time.
527
00:20:24,398 --> 00:20:26,366
I should spend my leisure time doing all the fun things
528
00:20:26,400 --> 00:20:28,936
a man can do around the house alone in the evening
529
00:20:28,969 --> 00:20:30,404
like, like smoking.
530
00:20:32,506 --> 00:20:35,275
That's fun I like smoking it's a lot of fun.
531
00:20:35,309 --> 00:20:37,377
Where is she now do you suppose?
532
00:20:37,411 --> 00:20:38,178
Why isn't she here,
533
00:20:38,212 --> 00:20:40,514
watching me enjoy my leisure time?
534
00:20:40,547 --> 00:20:42,249
Why doesn't she wake up and come down
535
00:20:42,282 --> 00:20:44,318
and see all the fun things a man could do
536
00:20:44,351 --> 00:20:47,654
like, like having that chair there
537
00:20:47,688 --> 00:20:49,022
that's fun, that's fun.
538
00:20:49,056 --> 00:20:52,659
Lifting this smoking stand is a lot of fun.
539
00:20:52,693 --> 00:20:54,528
I'm getting sick and tired of this dream
540
00:20:56,430 --> 00:20:58,966
I hope this is a dream.
541
00:20:58,999 --> 00:21:00,367
Mrs. Petrie...
542
00:21:00,400 --> 00:21:02,002
Mrs. Petrie...
543
00:21:02,035 --> 00:21:04,671
Mrs. Petrie, come down here and wake your husband up.
544
00:21:04,705 --> 00:21:06,506
He's having a nightmare.
545
00:21:06,540 --> 00:21:09,209
Mrs. Petrie, wake me up.
546
00:21:09,243 --> 00:21:11,345
Wake me up, wake me up.
547
00:21:11,378 --> 00:21:13,080
Rob, Rob? Wake up.
548
00:21:13,113 --> 00:21:15,082
What? Oh, oh, auntie em...
549
00:21:15,115 --> 00:21:16,450
What?
550
00:21:16,483 --> 00:21:19,620
Oh, oh, Laura. Thank heavens it's you.
551
00:21:19,653 --> 00:21:21,255
Rob, I'm sorry to wake you, dear,
552
00:21:21,288 --> 00:21:23,023
but you were screaming and thrashing about.
553
00:21:23,056 --> 00:21:24,224
Are you all right?
554
00:21:24,258 --> 00:21:25,592
Boy, am I glad you woke me up.
555
00:21:25,626 --> 00:21:27,227
I was having a dream.
556
00:21:27,261 --> 00:21:28,528
What about?
557
00:21:28,562 --> 00:21:30,330
About the good old days
558
00:21:30,364 --> 00:21:33,000
or should I say the bad old days?
559
00:21:33,033 --> 00:21:34,101
What bad old days?
560
00:21:34,134 --> 00:21:36,703
Oh, when husbands used to sit around like feudal lords
561
00:21:36,737 --> 00:21:39,139
and watch their wives slaving.
562
00:21:39,172 --> 00:21:40,507
You wouldn't like that, huh?
563
00:21:40,540 --> 00:21:41,375
Oh, boy. Honey,
564
00:21:41,408 --> 00:21:44,144
it's no fun watching a beat up old drudge
565
00:21:44,177 --> 00:21:45,545
clomping around in a ripped dress,
566
00:21:45,579 --> 00:21:48,015
her hair hanging in her face...
567
00:21:48,048 --> 00:21:49,283
Thank heavens for supermarkets
568
00:21:49,316 --> 00:21:51,151
and washing machines and electric brooms
569
00:21:51,184 --> 00:21:54,288
and husbands like me.
570
00:21:54,321 --> 00:21:55,656
How did you get in there?
571
00:21:55,689 --> 00:21:56,657
Well, it's the guys like me
572
00:21:56,690 --> 00:21:58,158
that do things for girls like you
573
00:21:58,191 --> 00:22:00,527
that give girls like you the time to do the things
574
00:22:00,560 --> 00:22:02,195
that make guys like me say,
575
00:22:02,229 --> 00:22:05,632
"Hey, you're a pretty good looking dame,
576
00:22:05,666 --> 00:22:07,067
"how about a kiss?"
577
00:22:10,037 --> 00:22:12,306
Hey, these are the good old days.
578
00:22:18,445 --> 00:22:20,714
Laura, Buddy was impossible.
579
00:22:20,747 --> 00:22:24,051
He was trying to prove that Rob was a discredit to his sex.
580
00:22:24,084 --> 00:22:25,686
I was not. I just happened to read this article
581
00:22:25,719 --> 00:22:27,654
about the decline of the American male,
582
00:22:27,688 --> 00:22:29,089
and I felt like I was going to pot
583
00:22:29,122 --> 00:22:31,491
just wanted a little company, that's all.
584
00:22:31,525 --> 00:22:32,693
Some of those articles are a menace.
585
00:22:32,726 --> 00:22:33,593
My wife saw that article
586
00:22:33,627 --> 00:22:35,696
and decided I wasn't declined enough.
587
00:22:35,729 --> 00:22:38,365
I'm so declined that last night I set her hair.
588
00:22:39,800 --> 00:22:41,034
Oh, yes.
589
00:22:41,068 --> 00:22:41,735
Why do you do it?
590
00:22:41,768 --> 00:22:42,803
Because I like to.
591
00:22:42,836 --> 00:22:43,870
You like to set her hair?
592
00:22:43,904 --> 00:22:46,506
No, but I like to save the eight bucks each week.
593
00:22:48,108 --> 00:22:49,776
You know, it's nothing but a matter of degree.
594
00:22:49,810 --> 00:22:51,445
I don't think doing things around the house
595
00:22:51,478 --> 00:22:52,679
is going to hurt your masculinity
596
00:22:52,713 --> 00:22:54,047
if you'd like to save a few bucks
597
00:22:54,081 --> 00:22:56,083
or if you just enjoy doing things,
598
00:22:56,116 --> 00:22:58,218
but everybody should decide what they're going to do
599
00:22:58,251 --> 00:22:59,786
and where they're going to draw the line.
600
00:22:59,820 --> 00:23:00,787
That's right.
601
00:23:00,821 --> 00:23:01,521
You're right, Rob.
602
00:23:01,555 --> 00:23:02,356
Laura, this cake is delicious.
603
00:23:02,389 --> 00:23:03,457
What's that wonderful flavor I taste?
604
00:23:03,490 --> 00:23:05,826
I don't know what did you put in the batter, dear?
605
00:23:05,859 --> 00:23:06,893
Oh, well...
606
00:23:06,927 --> 00:23:09,096
You made the cake? What did you put in the batter?
607
00:23:09,129 --> 00:23:10,197
BUDDY: What is that, nutmeg in there?
608
00:23:10,230 --> 00:23:12,232
SALLY: Oh, I've got to have the recipe, my dear.
609
00:23:12,265 --> 00:23:14,234
Write it down. I must do one for the cake sale.
610
00:23:14,267 --> 00:23:16,303
Did you miss your fans here?
611
00:23:16,336 --> 00:23:17,604
Now, wait, wait a minute, you guys.
612
00:23:17,637 --> 00:23:19,139
I didn't bake the cake she baked the cake.
613
00:23:19,172 --> 00:23:20,774
I just added a little something.
614
00:23:20,807 --> 00:23:22,275
Now this is a rum cake, right?
615
00:23:22,309 --> 00:23:24,544
Honey, tell them what you put in a rum cake.
616
00:23:24,578 --> 00:23:25,545
Rum.
617
00:23:25,579 --> 00:23:29,116
Hear that? Rum.
618
00:23:29,149 --> 00:23:31,084
You know what I put in a rum cake?
619
00:23:31,118 --> 00:23:32,285
Rum!
620
00:23:33,387 --> 00:23:34,488
Well, there's plenty of rum in that cake
621
00:23:34,521 --> 00:23:35,622
drink up everybody.
622
00:23:35,655 --> 00:23:37,324
No thanks. I'm driving.
623
00:23:37,357 --> 00:23:39,059
( MUSIC PLAYING )
624
00:23:40,494 --> 00:23:43,130
( THEME MUSIC PLAYING )
44276
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