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~~
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Morning, Ritch.
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Morning, Daddy.
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Where's Mom?
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She's out getting the mail. Oh.
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How do you always know, Daddy?
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A little bird told me. Now you drink it.
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Okay.
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Good morning, dear. Good morning, honey.
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Sleep well? Mm-hm.
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Any mail for me?
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Yes, a letter from your cousin Joe
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and one from your agent.
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Joe!
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I haven't heard from him in years.
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What's with him, I wonder.
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Well, he met a girl.
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He's thinking maybe of marrying her.
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Her name is Rita and she's 7 years younger than he is.
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He thinks maybe he's too old for her.
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But she's very mature so he thinks maybe he isn't.
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What do you think?
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Anything else?
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Hmm.
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If he marries her,
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He'll be out here on his honeymoon.
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Anything else?
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No, I think that's all.
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I wonder what my agent wants.
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Just that your contract with him expires in a couple of weeks.
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He wants you to come in and sign a new one.
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Must be kind of disappointed.
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I only got two letters this morning.
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No, there were a couple of others.
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Well, I don't like to be nosy, honey, but where are they?
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I threw them away.
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You threw 'em away?
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Well, they were only ads, dear, nothing interesting.
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Ha, ha, hardly worth steaming open, huh?
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Ha, ha. Didn't want to put me to the trouble?
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Mm-hm.
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Well, that's very thoughtful of you, honey.
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Thank you, dear.
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Oh, no, I should thank you, really,
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for saving me that and the other thing too.
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What other thing?
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My eyesight.
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Honey, are you upset because I opened your mail?
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Well, honey, I'm not upset because you opened my mail.
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I'm upset because you read it before I did.
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Oh, Rob, that's silly.
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Silly?
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I feel silly I wasted all those years learning how to read.
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I never get a chance anymore.
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Well, it's certainly not that terrible.
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You don't have to make a federal case out of it.
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I'm not making a federal case out of it, honey, you are.
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Tampering with United States mail.
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Well, why don't you turn me over to the FBI?
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Daddy, are you and Mommy fighting?
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Are we?
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I guess so. yeah.
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Yeah, we're fighting, Ritch.
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Fatty's mommy and daddy fight a lot better
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than you and Mommy.
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Ritch, if you're finished with your breakfast,
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you'd better go get ready for school.
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Are you gonna fight anymore?
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No, you go get ready for school.
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Okay.
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Well, Rob, you make it sound as though I wake up
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the first thing in the morning and think,
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"Oh, goody, today I get to open his mail again."
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Honey, the point I'm trying to make
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is if a letter is addressed to me, I should get it.
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But I gave it to you.
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Opened.
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Well, Rob, you always let me read your mail.
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Of course, that's right, I let you.
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It's a privilege, not a right.
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I simply like the pleasure of opening my own mail.
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But I told you everything that was in it.
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Oh, everything?
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Well, everything important. I condensed it.
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That's just it, honey.
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I don't like condensed mail for breakfast.
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You left all the flavor out of it.
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Rob, it was a letter, not a stew.
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Well, you know what I mean, honey.
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You didn't say it in the style it was written.
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It's like instead of being able to read Romeo and Juliet,
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somebody condenses it for you, like this,
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"A couple of mixed-up teenagers runaway from home and end up dead."
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All right, dear, you've made your point.
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Oh, honey.
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All I'm trying to say is that I would like the fun
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of opening my own mail and knowing what's in it first.
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I enjoy it and I look forward to it.
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Is that asking you too much
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just to restrain your curiosity for just a few minutes?
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No, I guess not.
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I'm sorry, darling. I won't do it again, all right?
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Okay.
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Fight over?
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It is as far as I'm concerned.
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Hey, let's do what fighters do when a fight's over.
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What do they do?
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That.
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Fighters don't do that.
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I know, I lied.
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"The Dick Van Dyke Show."
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~~
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That's much better.
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You must have been practicing.
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What did you expect? Robin hood?
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Hey, what's missing on this week's show?
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A new set of comedy writers.
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We haven't come up with anything.
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Hey, buddy, can't you think of anything philosophical?
120
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Rob always likes to end the show with something philosophical.
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Philosophical.
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How about, "It's better," get this...
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"It's better to ride one block in a rolls royce
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than to walk five miles."
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No good.
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What do you mean, "no good"?
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Everything with me lately is no good.
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What's the matter with it?
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We did it last week.
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Was it good?
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Yeah. Hah, you see.
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Hey, I got an idea for a line.
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What?
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My aunt Agnes used to have a saying that went,
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"If your heart is where the sky is bluest,
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then the sound of winter's twilight will be your friend."
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Your aunt said that?
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Yeah.
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And every time I think of it, I want to cry.
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Why?
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Because I think my aunt Agnes is a nut.
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What are we worried about one line for?
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We've got a whole comedy sketch to write.
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Yeah.
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Hey, what can we steal from some other show?
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Lots of things only, honest Rob won't let us.
147
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Yeah.
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Hey, if he's such a big man with integrity,
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how come he's not on time to help us write the sketch?
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Hi, folks, sorry I'm late.
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Hi, Rob.
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Had a little family problem.
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Oh? Ritchie?
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No, this was between Laura and me.
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Serious?
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No, nothing serious.
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Laura opened my mail this morning
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and I cuffed her around a little bit.
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Oh, smart fellow.
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No, it's just that Laura is always opening my mail
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and reading it before me.
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So I got a little sarcastic about it today.
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Oh, what did you tell her?
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I said if I'd known this was gonna happen,
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I wouldn't have gone to the trouble to learn how to read.
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Hey, hey, that's funny.
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Well, I don't think it's funny.
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I don't mean the line. The situation.
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Look, we do a sketch about a husband and wife, see,
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and she's always tampering with the guy's mail.
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And then, oh, maybe we open it
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where Alan is standing there and a guy says,
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"Uh, Mr. Brady, can I sell you a letter opener?"
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And he says, "No thanks, I'm married to one."
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Funny?
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And then the fight starts.
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Yeah, yeah.
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Hey, hey, Rob, tell us about the fight with Laura.
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Maybe we can use some of the lines.
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Well, that's about all there was to it.
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It wasn't much of a fight.
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We just agreed that she wouldn't open my mail anymore.
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That's the trouble with real life:
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no punch lines.
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Hey, why don't you go home
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and have another fight with Laura.
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Sally will go along and write
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the whole thing down in shorthand.
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I am not gonna have a fight with my wife
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to give you guys funny lines.
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Hey, I know where we can go with it.
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We can do a comedy sketch about feminine curiosity.
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That's good, that's good.
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Alan could say something like,
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"Curiosity may have killed the cat,
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but it keeps you women alive."
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Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
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And then Laura says, "Oh, yeah?
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Well, we women are no more curious than you men."
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Now Alan challenges her, see?
201
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And he says, "All right."
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Laura says, "Watch me,
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and I'll never open anything of yours again."
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Yeah, and later, a letter comes, see?
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And she's tempted to open it.
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Doo-doodle-doodle- doo-doo-doo.
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Yes, yes, yes, yes.
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No, no. no, no, no, no.
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Why? Not a letter.
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A mysterious package addressed to her husband.
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Of course! A package.
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Hey, I got it. Don't anybody move.
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What, what?
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Ah, you moved. I forgot it.
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What did you say, Rob?
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A package arrives.
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A package. Package. I got one, I got one.
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Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait.
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Yeah, yeah, that's good.
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Okay. That's it. Right?
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Laura puts it aside.
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She tries to ignore it.
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She tries to go about her housework
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but she always ends up hanging around the package.
225
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Oh, boy, that could be funny.
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Hah? Good?
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All right, all right. The package arrives.
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Do the bit. Do the bit.
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A package for Mr. Alan Brady.
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And she says, "Oh, a package for my husband.
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Gee whiz.
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I'll just put it right here.
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I'll put it-- got to open." Good.
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"No, I can't open it.
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I'll just put it down here and leave it 'til he gets home.
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I'm gonna open it.
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No, I can't."
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And she puts it down and tries to leave it alone.
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She goes about her business, dusting the furniture...
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And it keeps drawing her back like a magnet.
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And finally, she turns and falls on it.
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Wait, wait.
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She's drawn to the package, see?
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But she keeps fighting it
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'cause she don't want to give her husband the satisfaction.
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Yeah.
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So she tells her kid to hide it
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and not to tell her where he's hidden it,
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no matter what she says.
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That's it.
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And the minute the kid hides it, she's on him like a tiger.
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"All right, you dirty little rat, where'd you put it?"
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But mommy, mommy, you told me not to tell you.
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Don't do what I told you, do what I tell you.
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Beautiful.
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And then the mother says,
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"Well, kid, we got ways of making you talk, see?"
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And the minute the kid tells her where it is,
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she still wrestles with her conscience
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about opening the thing.
261
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But wait, wait, it's like the "lost weekend" guy.
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You know the chandelier bit.
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And she finally winds up joining packages anonymous.
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( LAUGHTER )
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Wait.
266
00:09:22,708 --> 00:09:24,458
What if she can't stand it any longer, right?
267
00:09:24,500 --> 00:09:25,708
So she attacks the package.
268
00:09:25,750 --> 00:09:27,792
And she keeps clawing at it until she opens it.
269
00:09:27,833 --> 00:09:28,792
Hey, hold it. what?
270
00:09:28,833 --> 00:09:30,417
Wait a minute. We got to put something silly
271
00:09:30,458 --> 00:09:31,500
in the package that her husband
272
00:09:31,542 --> 00:09:32,625
put there to trap her.
273
00:09:32,667 --> 00:09:33,542
Right.
274
00:09:33,583 --> 00:09:35,875
Hey, hey, how about a bag of sour cream?
275
00:09:36,958 --> 00:09:38,792
We use too much sour cream in the show already.
276
00:09:38,833 --> 00:09:40,083
Yeah, yeah, yeah, he's right.
277
00:09:40,125 --> 00:09:43,875
How about a 15-pound box of hair?
278
00:09:44,542 --> 00:09:46,042
Well, hair, hey, yeah, hair is good.
279
00:09:46,083 --> 00:09:47,792
But make it 32 pounds.
280
00:09:47,833 --> 00:09:48,875
What's the matter with 15?
281
00:09:48,875 --> 00:09:50,583
Thirty two's a funnier number.
282
00:09:50,625 --> 00:09:51,500
Since when?
283
00:09:51,542 --> 00:09:53,000
Thirty two's always been a funnier number.
284
00:09:53,042 --> 00:09:54,708
I hear 32, I get hysterical!
285
00:09:54,708 --> 00:09:56,042
Watch. Try me.
286
00:09:56,042 --> 00:09:56,875
Thirty two.
287
00:09:56,917 --> 00:09:58,708
( LAUGHING )
288
00:09:59,875 --> 00:10:01,542
Well, I got to admit, he's right.
289
00:10:03,917 --> 00:10:05,417
Hey, I got it. What?
290
00:10:05,417 --> 00:10:06,083
Cut the hair.
291
00:10:06,083 --> 00:10:06,750
BOTH: Cut the hair.
292
00:10:06,792 --> 00:10:08,750
It's a boat. A boat with hair?
293
00:10:08,792 --> 00:10:09,958
Yeah-- no.
294
00:10:10,958 --> 00:10:12,500
It's one of those inflatable boats
295
00:10:12,542 --> 00:10:13,917
you get at the war surplus store.
296
00:10:13,917 --> 00:10:15,167
I ordered one to go fishing in.
297
00:10:15,208 --> 00:10:16,208
Ohhh! See?
298
00:10:16,250 --> 00:10:17,083
Oh, you mean the kind where you pull the plug
299
00:10:17,083 --> 00:10:18,667
and they inflate in about 5 seconds?
300
00:10:18,708 --> 00:10:19,708
Yeah.
301
00:10:19,750 --> 00:10:21,750
Yeah, and then in order to resist temptation,
302
00:10:21,792 --> 00:10:22,917
she hides it in the closet.
303
00:10:22,958 --> 00:10:23,750
Why the closet?
304
00:10:23,750 --> 00:10:25,583
Well, so later when she opens it,
305
00:10:25,625 --> 00:10:27,875
she's there stuck in a tiny closet with a boat
306
00:10:27,917 --> 00:10:29,875
that keeps getting bigger and bigger.
307
00:10:29,917 --> 00:10:31,417
( LAUGHTER AND CHEERING )
308
00:10:31,458 --> 00:10:33,417
That's a riot. Let's put it on paper.
309
00:10:33,458 --> 00:10:34,458
No, no, we'll put it on paper.
310
00:10:34,500 --> 00:10:36,042
You go home and have another fight with Laura.
311
00:10:36,083 --> 00:10:37,750
We might need a sketch for next week.
312
00:10:39,708 --> 00:10:40,875
That was beautiful.
313
00:10:43,833 --> 00:10:45,083
That's a good dance team.
314
00:10:45,125 --> 00:10:46,917
What's the sketch about this week, Laura?
315
00:10:46,958 --> 00:10:47,792
I don't know.
316
00:10:47,833 --> 00:10:48,792
Rob never lets me look at the script.
317
00:10:48,792 --> 00:10:50,667
He thinks I can give him a better opinion of it
318
00:10:50,708 --> 00:10:52,667
if I see it like one of the regular audience.
319
00:10:52,708 --> 00:10:53,875
But I know it's gonna be great.
320
00:10:54,125 --> 00:10:55,208
What makes you say that?
321
00:10:55,250 --> 00:10:58,000
Well, Rob said I gave him the idea for the sketch.
322
00:10:58,042 --> 00:10:59,792
Oh, what was the idea you gave him?
323
00:10:59,792 --> 00:11:01,500
Well, I didn't exactly give it to him.
324
00:11:01,542 --> 00:11:03,417
Actually, he said I inspired it.
325
00:11:03,792 --> 00:11:05,708
Oh, I inspired Jerry once.
326
00:11:05,750 --> 00:11:07,458
He wrote a poem and dedicated it to me,
327
00:11:07,458 --> 00:11:08,458
didn't you, honey?
328
00:11:08,500 --> 00:11:09,042
Well....
329
00:11:09,083 --> 00:11:10,208
Really? Really.
330
00:11:10,250 --> 00:11:11,500
Say it for Laura.
331
00:11:11,542 --> 00:11:13,708
Not now, honey, I'm watching television.
332
00:11:13,750 --> 00:11:14,958
I forgot it anyway.
333
00:11:15,000 --> 00:11:16,958
Oh, well, I remember it, I think.
334
00:11:17,000 --> 00:11:19,583
It goes, "How do I love you?
335
00:11:19,625 --> 00:11:21,792
Let me count the ways."
336
00:11:22,917 --> 00:11:24,875
That's Elizabeth Browning, isn't it?
337
00:11:24,917 --> 00:11:26,083
Well, it's a little like Browning.
338
00:11:26,125 --> 00:11:28,125
I was influenced by her work.
339
00:11:29,542 --> 00:11:31,500
Influenced by her? You stole it.
340
00:11:31,500 --> 00:11:33,000
That's Elizabeth Barrett browning.
341
00:11:33,000 --> 00:11:34,208
No, no, no, honey, no, no, look.
342
00:11:34,250 --> 00:11:36,000
Elizabeth wrote, "How do I love thee?
343
00:11:36,042 --> 00:11:37,250
Let me count the ways."
344
00:11:37,292 --> 00:11:39,750
Now my poem goes, "How do I love--" "You!"
345
00:11:39,792 --> 00:11:40,833
"Let me count the ways."
346
00:11:40,875 --> 00:11:42,542
See the difference?
347
00:11:42,583 --> 00:11:43,833
There's a big difference.
348
00:11:43,875 --> 00:11:45,167
Did you hear the difference?
349
00:11:45,667 --> 00:11:46,875
Now look, is this a poetry hour
350
00:11:46,917 --> 00:11:47,958
or are we gonna watch Rob's show?
351
00:11:47,958 --> 00:11:49,167
Now, come on.
352
00:11:49,208 --> 00:11:50,708
Oh, this looks like the sketch coming up that Laura inspired.
353
00:11:50,750 --> 00:11:51,958
Now let's settle down.
354
00:11:52,000 --> 00:11:53,000
Oh, I'm so excited.
355
00:11:53,000 --> 00:11:54,167
Did you really inspire it?
356
00:11:54,208 --> 00:11:56,708
Well, you know the old saying, "Behind every great man--"
357
00:11:56,750 --> 00:11:57,625
Shhh.
358
00:11:58,917 --> 00:11:59,833
Father: ( ON TELEVISION ) good morning, son. Where's mommy?
359
00:11:59,833 --> 00:12:01,625
SON: She went to get the mail, Daddy.
360
00:12:01,667 --> 00:12:02,333
FATHER: Oh.
361
00:12:02,333 --> 00:12:03,250
MOMMY: Good morning, dear.
362
00:12:03,292 --> 00:12:04,917
FATHER: Morning. Any mail for me, Laura?
363
00:12:04,958 --> 00:12:07,167
Hey, Mom. She's got your name.
364
00:12:07,167 --> 00:12:08,167
I know.
365
00:12:08,167 --> 00:12:09,042
Yeah, that's 'cause your mom inspired the sketch.
366
00:12:09,042 --> 00:12:10,208
MOMMY: A letter from your aunt Sara.
367
00:12:10,208 --> 00:12:12,625
FATHER: Oh, really? I wonder what she has to say?
368
00:12:12,667 --> 00:12:14,667
MOMMY: Well, she's fine but her sciatica is bothering her
369
00:12:14,708 --> 00:12:17,208
and she hopes you and yours are fine, too.
370
00:12:17,250 --> 00:12:20,750
FATHER: Well, you opened my mail again, eh, miss snoopy nose?
371
00:12:20,792 --> 00:12:23,542
You know, I'm sorry I bothered learning how to read.
372
00:12:23,583 --> 00:12:25,167
Well, I'm glad I found this out about you.
373
00:12:25,208 --> 00:12:26,542
It saved me some money.
374
00:12:26,583 --> 00:12:27,375
This morning a guy came in
375
00:12:27,417 --> 00:12:28,917
and tried to sell me a letter opener.
376
00:12:28,958 --> 00:12:31,958
I told him, no thanks, I was already married to one.
377
00:12:32,000 --> 00:12:35,208
MOMMY: Stop screaming, I can't stand screaming.
378
00:12:35,250 --> 00:12:36,792
( LAUGHING ) You inspired this?
379
00:12:38,083 --> 00:12:40,542
FATHER: Why can't you keep your meddling fingers out of my mail?
380
00:12:40,583 --> 00:12:43,042
MOMMY: Oh, come on, you don't have to make a federal case out of it.
381
00:12:43,042 --> 00:12:44,833
FATHER: I'm not making a federal case out of it.
382
00:12:44,875 --> 00:12:47,208
You did, tampering with the united states mail.
383
00:12:47,250 --> 00:12:50,083
MOMMY: well, J. Edgar, why don't you turn me in?
384
00:12:50,125 --> 00:12:53,167
Hey, Mommy, just like what happened with you and Daddy.
385
00:12:55,750 --> 00:12:58,667
Believe me, Millie, it wasn't quite like this.
386
00:12:58,708 --> 00:12:59,750
Oh-ho, well, I believe you
387
00:12:59,792 --> 00:13:01,667
but how are you gonna convince 40 million other people?
388
00:13:02,667 --> 00:13:03,792
MOTHER: You let me read your mail.
389
00:13:03,833 --> 00:13:06,083
FATHER: That's right, I let you, Miss House Detective.
390
00:13:06,125 --> 00:13:07,917
It's a privilege, not a right.
391
00:13:07,958 --> 00:13:09,667
MOTHER: Well, I told you what was in the letter.
392
00:13:09,708 --> 00:13:12,583
FATHER: I hate condensed mail for breakfast.
393
00:13:14,083 --> 00:13:15,833
Why aren't you laughing, Mommy?
394
00:13:15,875 --> 00:13:18,208
I am laughing, dear.
395
00:13:20,667 --> 00:13:22,917
( LAUGHING ) Hey, look what she's doing now.
396
00:13:22,958 --> 00:13:24,125
What's in the package, Laura?
397
00:13:24,167 --> 00:13:24,958
I don't know, Jerry.
398
00:13:25,000 --> 00:13:26,708
No package like that ever came here--
399
00:13:26,750 --> 00:13:27,542
Hey, look, look, look.
400
00:13:27,583 --> 00:13:29,875
She's biting the cord with her teeth.
401
00:13:29,917 --> 00:13:31,667
Why don't you use the scissors, Laura?
402
00:13:31,708 --> 00:13:33,292
Yeah, you could have used the knife.
403
00:13:33,292 --> 00:13:35,125
Millie, I told you, that's not me.
404
00:13:35,792 --> 00:13:36,875
Hey, look.
405
00:13:36,917 --> 00:13:39,625
Look, it's a boat and it's inflating right in the closet.
406
00:13:39,667 --> 00:13:40,792
It's inflating.
407
00:13:42,083 --> 00:13:43,875
( LAUGHING ) Laura, you're a scream!
408
00:13:45,833 --> 00:13:47,625
I never had one of those boats.
409
00:13:47,625 --> 00:13:49,083
I told you both a dozen times,
410
00:13:49,125 --> 00:13:51,792
that ridiculous girl on television is not me.
411
00:13:51,833 --> 00:13:54,333
She's a figment of my husband's imagination.
412
00:13:54,375 --> 00:13:55,375
( LAUGHING ) Hey, look.
413
00:13:55,417 --> 00:13:58,292
Ho, ho, that's funny. Wonderful.
414
00:14:00,250 --> 00:14:01,667
Ritchie, go brush your teeth.
415
00:14:01,708 --> 00:14:02,958
Okay.
416
00:14:03,000 --> 00:14:04,750
Goodnight, Ritchie. Goodnight.
417
00:14:04,792 --> 00:14:05,917
Listen, you know, that was really funny.
418
00:14:05,958 --> 00:14:07,250
That was hilarious and you know why?
419
00:14:07,292 --> 00:14:08,792
Because it was true to life.
420
00:14:08,792 --> 00:14:10,625
Jerry-- ( PHONE RINGING )
421
00:14:10,625 --> 00:14:11,667
Excuse me.
422
00:14:14,333 --> 00:14:15,708
Hello?
423
00:14:15,750 --> 00:14:17,292
Oh, hello, Martha.
424
00:14:18,250 --> 00:14:21,000
Martha, just because they used the name Laura in the sketch
425
00:14:21,042 --> 00:14:22,333
doesn't mean that--
426
00:14:23,792 --> 00:14:26,000
No, martha, I don't think it was true to life.
427
00:14:26,042 --> 00:14:27,333
Would I twist my son's arm
428
00:14:27,375 --> 00:14:29,375
to make him tell me where he hid something?
429
00:14:30,750 --> 00:14:33,750
Well, I suppose I did open his letters once but I never--
430
00:14:34,833 --> 00:14:36,417
Martha, will you please stop laughing
431
00:14:36,458 --> 00:14:37,917
and listen to what I'm--
432
00:14:39,708 --> 00:14:41,750
well, Martha, if you'd rather laugh than hear the tru--
433
00:14:43,000 --> 00:14:45,333
Martha, laughing never solved anything.
434
00:14:47,042 --> 00:14:48,292
Martha.
435
00:14:48,333 --> 00:14:49,750
Goodbye, Martha.
436
00:14:51,250 --> 00:14:52,042
You wouldn't think, would you,
437
00:14:52,083 --> 00:14:54,000
that a woman as intelligent as Martha
438
00:14:54,000 --> 00:14:56,750
could think that that idiot on television was me?
439
00:14:56,792 --> 00:14:57,792
Well, it was you, wasn't it?
440
00:14:57,833 --> 00:14:59,125
You said you inspired it.
441
00:14:59,167 --> 00:15:00,875
Jerry, I may have opened a letter
442
00:15:00,875 --> 00:15:02,375
but I never opened a boat.
443
00:15:02,833 --> 00:15:04,917
You and the boat in the closet.
444
00:15:04,958 --> 00:15:07,042
Jerry, I wasn't in any closet with a boat.
445
00:15:07,083 --> 00:15:08,250
That's too funny.
446
00:15:08,292 --> 00:15:09,167
I got to get him home.
447
00:15:09,208 --> 00:15:11,375
He's gonna get the hiccups any minute.
448
00:15:12,417 --> 00:15:13,375
( LAUGHING ) Hey, listen. Listen,
449
00:15:13,375 --> 00:15:15,208
be sure you tell rob that was the funniest show
450
00:15:15,250 --> 00:15:16,333
I ever saw.
451
00:15:17,250 --> 00:15:19,083
Boy, will I tell him.
452
00:15:21,125 --> 00:15:24,042
No, Harry, I do not think it was true to life.
453
00:15:25,292 --> 00:15:27,125
Harry, if you're gonna just stand there and laugh,
454
00:15:27,167 --> 00:15:29,125
then there's no use talking to you.
455
00:15:31,042 --> 00:15:32,375
Honey, did you see it?
456
00:15:33,292 --> 00:15:34,458
How did you like it?
457
00:15:34,500 --> 00:15:36,000
Did you hear the screams?
458
00:15:36,042 --> 00:15:36,792
You know what Alan said?
459
00:15:36,833 --> 00:15:38,250
He said that was the funniest sketch
460
00:15:38,250 --> 00:15:40,000
we've done all season and--
461
00:15:45,500 --> 00:15:47,042
honey, are you feeling well?
462
00:15:47,083 --> 00:15:48,833
I'd rather not answer that.
463
00:15:48,875 --> 00:15:49,833
Why?
464
00:15:49,875 --> 00:15:51,500
Because I'm liable to appear on next week's show
465
00:15:51,542 --> 00:15:53,958
as an idiot wife who's always complaining.
466
00:15:54,750 --> 00:15:56,375
What are you--
467
00:15:56,417 --> 00:15:58,458
Oh, honey, you think people will think I meant you?
468
00:15:58,500 --> 00:15:59,917
Oh, no.
469
00:15:59,958 --> 00:16:02,042
No, no, how-- well, how could they?
470
00:16:02,083 --> 00:16:04,292
After all, everybody knows that any resemblance between
471
00:16:04,333 --> 00:16:07,333
me and a girl on a television show written by my husband
472
00:16:07,375 --> 00:16:11,750
who has a son Ritchie's age and whose name is Laura is purely coincidental.
473
00:16:11,792 --> 00:16:12,792
( CHUCKLES )
474
00:16:14,083 --> 00:16:16,250
The last time I used your name on a sketch you were flattered.
475
00:16:16,292 --> 00:16:19,458
The last time, she was a nice, normal, beautiful girl
476
00:16:19,458 --> 00:16:21,792
instead of a wild-eyed maniac.
477
00:16:21,792 --> 00:16:23,958
Oh, now, come on, she wasn't wild-eyed.
478
00:16:26,000 --> 00:16:28,917
Look, honey, anyway, it wasn't intentional.
479
00:16:28,958 --> 00:16:31,542
When I told Buddy and Sally that morning about you opening my mail,
480
00:16:31,583 --> 00:16:34,083
the name Laura just kind of became part of the sketch.
481
00:16:34,125 --> 00:16:36,292
Anyway nobody in his right mind would think it was you.
482
00:16:36,333 --> 00:16:38,208
Rob, everybody thought it was me.
483
00:16:38,250 --> 00:16:39,458
I haven't had so many phone calls
484
00:16:39,458 --> 00:16:41,417
since I was secretary of the PTA.
485
00:16:41,458 --> 00:16:43,542
Now, honey, you are exaggerating.
486
00:16:43,583 --> 00:16:46,792
Rob, I had phone calls from girls I went to high school with.
487
00:16:46,833 --> 00:16:48,333
They called up long distance just to tell me
488
00:16:48,375 --> 00:16:52,458
they never realized what a wildly funny, eccentric person I am.
489
00:16:53,833 --> 00:16:55,792
Honey, now-- don't honey me.
490
00:16:55,833 --> 00:16:57,333
Well, honey, what did I do?
491
00:16:57,375 --> 00:16:58,458
What did you do?
492
00:16:58,500 --> 00:17:00,000
I open a couple of your letters
493
00:17:00,042 --> 00:17:02,583
and you advertise it to 20 million people.
494
00:17:02,625 --> 00:17:04,125
40 million.
495
00:17:04,167 --> 00:17:05,875
40 million people,
496
00:17:05,917 --> 00:17:08,375
that I'm a pathological snoopy nose.
497
00:17:08,417 --> 00:17:10,083
Wait, it was just a sketch.
498
00:17:10,125 --> 00:17:11,208
Just a sketch?
499
00:17:11,250 --> 00:17:13,542
You came over a perfectly normal husband in that sketch
500
00:17:13,583 --> 00:17:16,042
and I was a wild-eyed maniac.
501
00:17:16,083 --> 00:17:17,792
I'm going to sleep.
502
00:17:24,333 --> 00:17:26,000
Honey, the door's jammed.
503
00:17:27,500 --> 00:17:29,292
It's not jammed. it's locked.
504
00:17:31,208 --> 00:17:32,500
Oh, boy.
505
00:17:36,583 --> 00:17:38,875
Well, the phone rang all evening long.
506
00:17:38,917 --> 00:17:40,583
I never knew we had so many friends.
507
00:17:40,625 --> 00:17:42,042
Ha, ha, friends.
508
00:17:42,083 --> 00:17:44,375
Every call was another nail in my coffin.
509
00:17:45,458 --> 00:17:47,292
Had to sleep in the den all night.
510
00:17:47,333 --> 00:17:48,500
That bad, huh?
511
00:17:48,542 --> 00:17:49,958
Worse.
512
00:17:50,000 --> 00:17:52,042
Well, sounds like it's gift time.
513
00:17:52,083 --> 00:17:54,292
Let's see, what are Laura's weaknesses?
514
00:17:54,333 --> 00:17:58,000
Furs, jewelry, candy, cash?
515
00:17:58,042 --> 00:17:59,125
No, sal.
516
00:17:59,167 --> 00:18:01,333
Laura can't be bought off with a gift.
517
00:18:01,375 --> 00:18:02,875
She was really sore, sally.
518
00:18:02,917 --> 00:18:03,875
BUDDY: Ta da! She--
519
00:18:03,917 --> 00:18:06,042
Hey, fellow geniuses, did you read the review?
520
00:18:06,083 --> 00:18:07,625
Boy, do critics love the sketch.
521
00:18:07,667 --> 00:18:08,542
They're raving.
522
00:18:08,542 --> 00:18:10,042
They said we were brilliant, brilliant.
523
00:18:10,042 --> 00:18:10,958
And we deserve it.
524
00:18:11,000 --> 00:18:12,542
I think we ought to call the boss right now
525
00:18:12,583 --> 00:18:15,375
and get a big fat raise and we--
526
00:18:19,542 --> 00:18:21,042
What's the matter? We fired?
527
00:18:23,542 --> 00:18:25,917
You got to admit, he's got a flexible mind.
528
00:18:27,125 --> 00:18:29,083
Well, I'm glad somebody liked the sketch.
529
00:18:29,125 --> 00:18:30,750
What's the matter with him?
530
00:18:30,750 --> 00:18:33,375
Oh, Laura's been getting needled about being the wife in the sketch last night
531
00:18:33,417 --> 00:18:35,083
and she's giving rob a bad time.
532
00:18:35,083 --> 00:18:36,458
Oh.
533
00:18:36,500 --> 00:18:38,167
Hey, that's it.
534
00:18:38,208 --> 00:18:38,958
That's what?
535
00:18:39,000 --> 00:18:40,917
That's the sketch for next week.
536
00:18:42,333 --> 00:18:44,667
Alan brady plays a television writer, see?
537
00:18:44,708 --> 00:18:46,917
And he writes a whole sketch about his wife.
538
00:18:46,917 --> 00:18:48,583
Now she hears about it and it goes on the air
539
00:18:48,625 --> 00:18:50,458
and the neighbors hear it and they get--
540
00:18:50,500 --> 00:18:53,583
and they call her on the phone and she's sore because--
541
00:18:53,625 --> 00:18:54,917
Uh--uh.
542
00:18:55,583 --> 00:18:57,083
Or--
543
00:19:05,000 --> 00:19:06,208
( DOORBELL RINGS )
544
00:19:11,625 --> 00:19:12,625
Oh, hi.
545
00:19:12,625 --> 00:19:14,125
Are we allowed in?
546
00:19:14,167 --> 00:19:15,625
Sure. come on in.
547
00:19:15,667 --> 00:19:16,958
Thanks.
548
00:19:16,958 --> 00:19:18,958
Millie and I were talking and, well,
549
00:19:19,000 --> 00:19:21,458
we both realized we went a little overboard last night.
550
00:19:21,458 --> 00:19:23,667
Yeah, we weren't too polite and neighborly.
551
00:19:23,708 --> 00:19:25,250
Oh, that's all right.
552
00:19:25,292 --> 00:19:27,542
Well, we don't believe you behave like that wild-eyed
553
00:19:27,583 --> 00:19:29,958
maniac on television.
554
00:19:30,000 --> 00:19:31,125
Yeah. Well, thank you.
555
00:19:31,125 --> 00:19:33,292
We'd like to apologize for upsetting you last night.
556
00:19:33,333 --> 00:19:34,625
Oh, Jerry, I'm not upset.
557
00:19:34,667 --> 00:19:35,625
Would you like a cup of coffee?
558
00:19:35,667 --> 00:19:36,583
Yeah, fine. Okay.
559
00:19:36,625 --> 00:19:37,500
( DOORBELL RINGS )
560
00:19:37,542 --> 00:19:38,542
Oh, excuse me.
561
00:19:41,292 --> 00:19:42,958
Package. Oh, for whom?
562
00:19:43,000 --> 00:19:44,000
Mr. Robert Petrie.
563
00:19:44,042 --> 00:19:44,875
Where will I put it?
564
00:19:44,917 --> 00:19:45,667
Oh, can I help you? Yeah, thank you.
565
00:19:45,708 --> 00:19:48,208
Oh, on the table, I guess. Okay.
566
00:19:48,250 --> 00:19:49,583
Or no, better put it on the floor.
567
00:19:49,625 --> 00:19:50,667
All right.
568
00:19:50,708 --> 00:19:52,042
Laura, what are you expecting?
569
00:19:52,083 --> 00:19:53,750
Well, it's not for me, it's for Rob.
570
00:19:53,792 --> 00:19:55,167
Here you are, ma'am.
571
00:20:05,292 --> 00:20:08,250
What's so funny about a package being delivered here?
572
00:20:10,083 --> 00:20:12,500
Packages do come to houses, you know.
573
00:20:13,542 --> 00:20:15,667
There's nothing funny about that.
574
00:20:16,708 --> 00:20:19,667
It's Rob's package and it doesn't concern me.
575
00:20:21,208 --> 00:20:23,542
I'll find what's in it when he opens it.
576
00:20:24,583 --> 00:20:26,500
Would you care for a cup of coffee?
577
00:20:49,792 --> 00:20:51,167
Ahem.
578
00:20:52,125 --> 00:20:54,333
"Mr. Robert Petrie."
579
00:21:36,583 --> 00:21:39,292
( WHISTLING )
580
00:22:20,292 --> 00:22:21,625
ROB: Honey, I'm home.
581
00:22:28,417 --> 00:22:30,458
Laura--
582
00:22:36,708 --> 00:22:38,250
Who is it?
583
00:22:40,333 --> 00:22:41,417
Honey?
584
00:22:42,208 --> 00:22:43,667
Honey, are you in there?
585
00:22:47,917 --> 00:22:49,417
Honey?
586
00:22:49,458 --> 00:22:51,375
Did a package come for me?
587
00:23:01,917 --> 00:23:04,667
Rob, if I thought that you sent this boat here to trap me--
588
00:23:04,667 --> 00:23:05,667
Oh, honey.
589
00:23:05,667 --> 00:23:07,833
I ordered this long before we did the sketch.
590
00:23:07,875 --> 00:23:09,833
This is what gave me the idea.
591
00:23:09,833 --> 00:23:11,625
Honest.
592
00:23:11,667 --> 00:23:13,458
Rob, I tried not to open it.
593
00:23:13,500 --> 00:23:15,417
I really did but i--
594
00:23:15,458 --> 00:23:18,875
I guess I'm just a pathological snoopy nose.
595
00:23:18,917 --> 00:23:20,333
Oh, honey.
596
00:23:20,375 --> 00:23:21,958
Everybody's a snoopy nose.
597
00:23:22,000 --> 00:23:24,708
We all like to know what's inside things.
598
00:23:24,708 --> 00:23:25,958
I guess so.
599
00:23:26,000 --> 00:23:27,458
Oh, I know so.
600
00:23:27,500 --> 00:23:28,542
You know something?
601
00:23:28,542 --> 00:23:31,750
I'm very, very curious about something right now.
602
00:23:31,792 --> 00:23:33,000
What?
603
00:23:33,042 --> 00:23:34,958
Well, I'm wondering how long we're gonna keep on with this
604
00:23:35,000 --> 00:23:39,875
polite talking before we get down to serious kissing.
605
00:23:41,458 --> 00:23:42,667
About 3 seconds.
606
00:23:42,708 --> 00:23:43,333
Three?
607
00:23:43,375 --> 00:23:45,708
One, two-- I forgive you.
608
00:23:49,250 --> 00:23:50,292
Rob? Hmm?
609
00:23:50,333 --> 00:23:51,417
Tell me something.
610
00:23:51,458 --> 00:23:52,375
What?
611
00:23:52,417 --> 00:23:54,208
How do you deflate this?
612
00:23:55,208 --> 00:23:56,250
Oh.
613
00:23:56,292 --> 00:23:58,708
Oh, all you have to do is just loosen this valve
614
00:23:58,750 --> 00:24:00,375
and it deflates itself.
615
00:24:01,042 --> 00:24:02,875
Uh, honey, I'm gonna have to get the pliers.
616
00:24:06,625 --> 00:24:08,417
( DOORBELL RINGS ) Come in.
617
00:24:09,417 --> 00:24:11,417
Laura, we just came over to ap--44372
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