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[theme music]
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"The Dick Van Dyke Show," starring Dick Van Dyke,
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Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry
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Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.
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I don't know about you guys, but I'm one fellow
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who cannot be hypnotized.
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I must be too intelligent.
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Yeah, you must be something.
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Look.
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That's not it at all.
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I'm very, very intelligent myself,
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and I happened to be one of the greatest subjects
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for hypnotism since Trilby.
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Darling, tell them what Glen did to you when
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he hypnotized you in the army.
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Yeah, what he do?
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That son of a gun, he gave me a posthypnotic suggestion
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that was really a beaut.
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He had me going around saluting garbage cans.
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Why, listen, that's very patriotic.
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No, no kidding.
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He had me-- every time I heard a bugle blow,
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I'd turn around and salute the nearest flag.
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Rob, you mean to say he had you
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walking in a trance all day?
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No, no I was awake, see.
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But the only time the posthypnotic suggestion worked
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was when a bugle blew.
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Well, do you still salute garbage cans?
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Only when Laura takes out the garbage.
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You know, as a matter of fact, a posthypnotic suggestion
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will wear off in a day or so, or a hypnotist can cancel it right
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then and there if he wants to.
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Listen, Rob, you wouldn't think
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I was a bad sport if I wouldn't let
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your friend hypnotize me, huh?
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Look, you guys, I didn't invite
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him here to hypnotize you.
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You mean he's not gonna give us a demonstration?
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Oh, I hope so.
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I wanna be hypnotized.
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LAURA PETRIE: Well, sure. - Look.
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I didn't ask him to come to entertain us.
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No, he brought us to entertain him.
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Rob, if it's the same with you, he's single right?
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Glen Jameson, and he's single.
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Yeah.
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Hey, boy, you're lucky you wore your waist cincher.
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How'd you know I was wearing a waist cincher?
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All night your voice has been getting higher and higher.
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Oh, that must be our hypnotist now.
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Listen, if he's ugly, I'll let him hypnotize me.
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Fellas, I don't want him to think
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he has to perform for dinner.
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Will you forget it.
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[interposing voices]
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Won't say a word.
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Hi, Glen.
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Hi, Laura.
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Hey, are you gonna hypnotize us?
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You haven't changed since Camp Crowder.
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Oh, yes, she has.
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She's married now.
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Don't forget that.
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All right, you [inaudible]?
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- Hungry as ever. - Well, we're prepared.
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Darling, would you do the honors?
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Uh, yeah, I'm going clockwise.
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Which is cheaper than going by bus.
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That's Buddy Sorrell, one of my co-writers.
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Hi, Spangheli.
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SALLY ROGERS: Oh, watch yourself.
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I'm Jerry Helper.
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Anyway.
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Listen, Rob, you didn't tell them by any chance
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that I'm a qualified hypnotist?
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I'm afraid I did.
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All right.
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No, no, I get a kick out of it.
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It seems like most people enjoy watching
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a demonstration of hypnosis.
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Yeah, yeah, put me in a trance.
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Put me in a trance. I'm Millie Helper.
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I'm his wife.
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Put me in a trance.
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Come on, Millie.
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How do you do?
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I'm Sally Rogers.
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I'm already in a trance, and I'm nobody's wife.
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Look.
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Fellas, will you just give him one chance to exhale?
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That's all.
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OK, let's say we eat first and then get hypnotized?
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Eat first?
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Sure, we always do it that way.
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Not with my wife's cooking, better
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you should be hypnotized first.
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LAURA PETRIE: If anyone wants more coffee
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stop me from grabbing your cup.
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Nobody wants any more coffee.
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I'd like another cup of coffee.
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Well, you'll have it for breakfast.
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I'm ready.
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What do I have to do, do I have to look at something?
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Why are you so anxious to be hypnotized.
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I don't know.
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I just like to try new things.
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Well, if you wanna try something new,
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why don't you get up one morning and fix me breakfast?
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Speaking of trance, I have to listen to him.
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All right.
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Rob, is it all right if we have a little demonstration?
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You wouldn't make us do anything really embarrassing,
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would you?
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Well, a hypnotist can't make anybody
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do anything they would normally do when they're wide awake.
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Come on. Enough with the theory.
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Put me under.
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- All right. - OK.
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Let's go.
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Do you have a chair?
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- I sit here? - Please, come over here.
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Come on. Sit with me, Sally.
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I get a [inaudible] right here.
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Now, Millie, I want you to try to make
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your mind a complete blank.
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Oh, that's no problem for her.
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Now you're very relaxed.
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Your body is very tired.
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Your arms are heavy, heavy.
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Your legs are heavy, heavy.
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I think her legs are pretty, pretty.
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You're very relaxed, very relaxed.
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And your eyelids are very heavy, very heavy.
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Did you know your wife had fat eyelids?
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GLEN JAMESON: Are you asleep?
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Hey, is she really sleeping?
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If she's not talking, she's asleep.
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When I snap my fingers, you'll open your eyes.
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And when you look at your husband,
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you'll see Rock Hudson.
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What's the trick?
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That's what most people see.
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You'll act like a giggly teenager.
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You'll ask for his autograph, and when he refuses,
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you'll beg him for it until he gives it to you.
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Now when I snap my fingers, you'll open your eyes.
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When are you gonna put me under?
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Hey, it didn't work.
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Boy, she sure had me fooled.
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Gee, you know, for a minute there,
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I felt like I was really gonna go to sleep.
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I wonder why I couldn't go to sleep.
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Because you slept all day.
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No, I didn't.
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I didn't.
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Rock, Rock Hudson.
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Hey, Hey, Glen.
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Glen is she kidding?
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No, she's not kidding.
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Rock, I've seen every one of your pictures.
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And I think you're the cat's meow.
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Millie, cut it out.
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Will you, Millie?
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Oh, Rock, listen, would you give
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your autograph and sign it with love from
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Rock to Millie [inaudible]?
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Come on, Millie.
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Cut it out, will you?
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Oh, Rock, listen if you don't give me your autograph,
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I'll hold my breath till I turn blue.
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OK. OK.
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Give her your autograph.
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OK.
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All right.
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There.
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There you are.
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There's my autograph.
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No, no, no. Rock Hudson.
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Rock Hudson.
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I should've thought of that.
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There you are, Rock Hudson.
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Oh, Rock.
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Gee, I feel wonderful.
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I feel like I had a-- what are you holding?
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Put me down.
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We're not at home, for heaven's sake.
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You were wonderful.
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Wonderful.
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Didn't I tell you this guy was great?
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He's terrific.
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Listen, Rob, do you think we can get Glen
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to hypnotize our sponsor to like one of our sketches
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for a change?
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Yeah, why don't we take him down to the office
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tomorrow and have him go to work on old man Boland.
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Well, the trouble is you can't get anybody to do anything
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they wouldn't do normally.
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He's right.
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Glen, I've never been hypnotized, I'd love to try.
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- I'm game. - Well, wait a minute.
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We can't all be hypnotized.
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Somebody's gotta stay awake and watch the fun.
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Well, I'll stay awake and watch Glen.
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By the way, I did tell you I wasn't married.
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Yeah, I'm very happy about that.
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Well, I'm not.
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Hey, enough of this boy-girl stuff.
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Let's get back to this hypnotism game.
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ROBERT PETRIE: Yeah, come on. - All right, now hold it, Buddy.
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Now hypnotism is not a game.
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You shouldn't involve yourself in it
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unless a qualified hypnotist is present.
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Well, you're qualified, Glen, so we're safe, right?
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- Yes, yes, I am. - OK, then let's do it.
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All right. All right.
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Anybody that wants to be a subject over on the couch.
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Oh, boy.
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[interposing voices]
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RITCHIE PETRIE: Daddy, Mommy.
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I think our son wants a drink of water.
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Honey, you get hypnotized.
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I'll go get it.
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OK, dear, but come right back.
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Are you kidding?
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I wouldn't miss that for the world.
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Excuse me. - OK.
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Now you're very relaxed, relaxed back
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against the back of the couch.
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Now it's very peaceful, very peaceful.
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And you're lying on a big white cloud.
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Hey, Millie, how did you feel being hypnotized?
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I don't remember anything about it.
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Well, did Jerry really look like Rock Hudson?
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Rock Hudson is that what I thought?
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Yeah you asked him for his autograph and everything.
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Yeah.
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Gee, I ought to get hypnotized more often.
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GLEN JAMESON: You are very, very sleepy.
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There goes Laura.
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You're going into a deep, deep sleep.
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Oh, there goes good old Rock.
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Don't try it with me.
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A lot of people have tried to hypnotize me.
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GLEN JAMESON: You want to go-- - Believe me.
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It never--
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GLEN JAMESON: --sleep.
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Go to sleep.
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Why there goes good old Rip Van Lazy.
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What he do, use a club?
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Now, Laura, when I snap my fingers,
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you'll assume the personality of the person you most admire.
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Aw.
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What can I say?
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"Fourscore and seven years ago, our father's
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brought forth upon this continent
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a new nation conceived in liberty
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and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.
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Hey, Glen, you better wake her up before she's assassinated.
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What did I do?
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"Fourscore and seven years ago."
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Oh, no, not Abraham Lincoln.
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No, Raymond Massey.
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Honey, you didn't sound like him,
265
00:09:09,857 --> 00:09:11,159
but you sure looked like him.
266
00:09:11,259 --> 00:09:14,095
SALLY ROGERS: Oh, Glen, that's great, just great.
267
00:09:14,195 --> 00:09:18,399
Now, Jerry, Jerry, when I snap my fingers,
268
00:09:18,499 --> 00:09:21,269
you'll open your eyes and you'll assume the personality
269
00:09:21,369 --> 00:09:22,937
of the person you most admire.
270
00:09:23,037 --> 00:09:24,906
I repeat, the person you most admire.
271
00:09:25,006 --> 00:09:26,074
Who's it gonna be?
272
00:09:26,174 --> 00:09:27,308
His hero.
273
00:09:30,111 --> 00:09:31,779
San Francisco is the home of my birth,
274
00:09:31,879 --> 00:09:33,614
441 1 and 1/2 O'Farrell street.
275
00:09:33,714 --> 00:09:35,349
I went through grade school and high school
276
00:09:35,450 --> 00:09:36,884
as the star basketball player.
277
00:09:36,984 --> 00:09:39,620
Early in life I wanted to become a dentist, which I now am.
278
00:09:39,720 --> 00:09:42,156
I'm highly proficient in root canal work.
279
00:09:42,256 --> 00:09:44,926
Yes, I am.
280
00:09:45,026 --> 00:09:46,861
Who's he talking about?
281
00:09:46,961 --> 00:09:49,497
His hero, him.
282
00:09:49,597 --> 00:09:52,400
I enjoy all sports both participating and spectating.
283
00:09:52,500 --> 00:09:53,601
Glen, would you please turn him off.
284
00:09:53,701 --> 00:09:56,637
I feel I'd be awfully good as a--
285
00:09:56,737 --> 00:09:58,406
Hey, I feel wonderful.
286
00:09:58,506 --> 00:10:00,675
You are the most secure man I've ever met.
287
00:10:00,775 --> 00:10:01,609
I know that.
288
00:10:01,709 --> 00:10:02,610
I know that.
289
00:10:02,710 --> 00:10:04,312
But you see, I really feel wonderful.
290
00:10:04,412 --> 00:10:06,781
I feel like I could play some basketball or something.
291
00:10:06,881 --> 00:10:08,282
Hey, I feel great, Millie.
292
00:10:08,382 --> 00:10:09,317
Well, that's good.
293
00:10:09,417 --> 00:10:11,219
The rest of us are a little ill.
294
00:10:11,319 --> 00:10:13,287
Hey, Glen, what about good old Sleeping Beauty?
295
00:10:13,387 --> 00:10:14,822
LAURA PETRIE: Do you think we should even disturb,
296
00:10:14,922 --> 00:10:17,124
Buddy, he looks like he's turned in for the night?
297
00:10:17,225 --> 00:10:19,427
Well I think he'd make an interesting subject.
298
00:10:19,527 --> 00:10:22,463
I'd like to use a different kind of posthypnotic suggestion
299
00:10:22,563 --> 00:10:25,633
with him, with a bell ring as a trigger.
300
00:10:25,733 --> 00:10:27,134
Oh, that sounds like it ought to be fun.
301
00:10:27,235 --> 00:10:28,803
Oh, this I gotta see.
302
00:10:28,903 --> 00:10:33,274
RITCHIE PETRIE: Mommy, Daddy, I want a drink of water.
303
00:10:33,374 --> 00:10:35,042
Honey, you watch the hypnotism.
304
00:10:35,142 --> 00:10:36,277
I'll take care of him.
305
00:10:36,377 --> 00:10:38,079
LAURA PETRIE: Oh, thank you, darling.
306
00:10:38,179 --> 00:10:41,249
GLEN JAMESON: Buddy, you can hear my voice.
307
00:10:41,349 --> 00:10:43,284
You hear nothing but the sound of it,
308
00:10:43,384 --> 00:10:45,887
and you will pay attention to it.
309
00:10:45,987 --> 00:10:48,556
Listen to the sound of my voice.
310
00:10:48,656 --> 00:10:51,726
Now you are continuing to sleep.
311
00:10:51,826 --> 00:10:58,165
You are in a very, very deep, deep sleep.
312
00:10:58,266 --> 00:11:02,136
Your eyelids are very, very, very heavy.
313
00:11:02,236 --> 00:11:04,739
Now nod your head if you can hear me.
314
00:11:09,110 --> 00:11:11,612
Now you are very, very thirsty.
315
00:11:11,712 --> 00:11:14,515
You want a glass of water, only someone gives you a glass
316
00:11:14,615 --> 00:11:17,084
of gin instead by mistake.
317
00:11:17,185 --> 00:11:19,854
But you drink it because you're very thirsty.
318
00:11:19,954 --> 00:11:22,723
Now here drink this.
319
00:11:22,823 --> 00:11:23,724
Thank you.
320
00:11:29,430 --> 00:11:32,266
Now when I snap my fingers, you'll wake up.
321
00:11:32,366 --> 00:11:34,468
You won't remember anything that happened,
322
00:11:34,569 --> 00:11:35,570
and you'll feel wonderful.
323
00:11:35,670 --> 00:11:38,306
Only when you hear one bell ring,
324
00:11:38,406 --> 00:11:41,175
you'll become roaring drunk.
325
00:11:41,275 --> 00:11:44,278
Only another bell ring will sober you up,
326
00:11:44,378 --> 00:11:48,482
now one ring drunk, another ring sober.
327
00:11:48,583 --> 00:11:50,851
Now when I snap my fingers, you'll wake up.
328
00:11:50,952 --> 00:11:52,386
You won't remember anything that happened,
329
00:11:52,486 --> 00:11:54,422
and you'll feel absolutely wonderful.
330
00:11:57,325 --> 00:11:58,326
Hey, I feel great.
331
00:11:58,426 --> 00:12:01,062
Ha-ha, couldn't hypnotize me, huh?
332
00:12:01,162 --> 00:12:02,029
Hey, who are you calling?
333
00:12:02,129 --> 00:12:03,197
Nobody.
334
00:12:03,297 --> 00:12:05,299
BUDDY SORRELL: Give them my regards.
335
00:12:05,399 --> 00:12:06,200
How do you like--
336
00:12:06,300 --> 00:12:07,201
[phone rings]
337
00:12:07,301 --> 00:12:09,170
Happy New Years!
338
00:12:09,270 --> 00:12:11,739
Why don't we go out and crack a whip.
339
00:12:16,711 --> 00:12:24,552
[inaudible]
340
00:12:24,652 --> 00:12:26,621
What's everybody laughing at?
341
00:12:30,958 --> 00:12:31,826
What did I miss?
342
00:12:31,926 --> 00:12:33,127
You should've been there.
343
00:12:33,227 --> 00:12:36,731
You didn't miss nothing but a magnificent performance.
344
00:12:36,831 --> 00:12:37,932
Performance.
345
00:12:38,032 --> 00:12:39,467
I knew he wasn't really under.
346
00:12:39,567 --> 00:12:41,602
I knew it, but I just wanted to see how far you'd go, Buddy.
347
00:12:41,702 --> 00:12:42,937
You mean, you've been kidding us?
348
00:12:43,037 --> 00:12:44,271
- Yeah. - I told you.
349
00:12:44,372 --> 00:12:45,339
I'm un-hypnotizable.
350
00:12:45,439 --> 00:12:47,808
Oh, Buddy, you big fake, you.
351
00:12:47,908 --> 00:12:48,943
I'm sorry.
352
00:12:49,043 --> 00:12:50,378
Why do have to spoil everything like that?
353
00:12:50,478 --> 00:12:51,612
Oh, that's a shame.
354
00:12:51,712 --> 00:12:52,780
Well, you should've used me.
355
00:12:52,880 --> 00:12:53,748
I'm a great sucker.
356
00:12:53,848 --> 00:12:55,449
It's so fascinating that it works.
357
00:12:55,549 --> 00:12:57,852
Glen, how long would body have reacted to those rings?
358
00:12:57,952 --> 00:13:00,454
Oh, I don't know, several hours a day sometimes.
359
00:13:00,554 --> 00:13:02,023
Couldn't that be dangerous?
360
00:13:02,123 --> 00:13:04,425
No, no, I would always cancel the posthypnotic suggestion
361
00:13:04,525 --> 00:13:06,160
before leaving a subject out of my sight.
362
00:13:06,260 --> 00:13:09,296
Well, it's pointless to cancel that big fake there isn't it?
363
00:13:09,397 --> 00:13:10,965
GLEN JAMESON: It certainly is pointless.
364
00:13:11,065 --> 00:13:13,167
Who wants more coffee and chocolate chip cookies?
365
00:13:13,267 --> 00:13:14,502
MILLIE HELPER: Cookies.
366
00:13:14,602 --> 00:13:15,603
Listen, Laura, I don't think you ought to give
367
00:13:15,703 --> 00:13:17,038
this big fake anything at all.
368
00:13:17,138 --> 00:13:18,305
Oh, come on.
369
00:13:18,406 --> 00:13:19,874
I deserve something for my performance.
370
00:13:19,974 --> 00:13:22,710
Well, how about something to match your personality, ham.
371
00:13:22,810 --> 00:13:23,411
Come on.
372
00:13:23,511 --> 00:13:26,047
[interposing voices]
373
00:13:34,555 --> 00:13:36,424
Darling, were you planning to say
374
00:13:36,524 --> 00:13:37,558
something like, why don't you let
375
00:13:37,658 --> 00:13:39,093
the dishes go to the morning?
376
00:13:39,193 --> 00:13:40,895
No, I wasn't.
377
00:13:40,995 --> 00:13:42,897
Believe me, darling, I don't mind doing them now.
378
00:13:42,997 --> 00:13:44,465
I'm just thinking of you.
379
00:13:44,565 --> 00:13:45,833
You're thinking of me.
380
00:13:45,933 --> 00:13:47,601
Well, I'm picturing you in the bedroom trying
381
00:13:47,702 --> 00:13:50,104
to get to sleep with me in the kitchen rattling the dishes
382
00:13:50,204 --> 00:13:51,038
and the pots and the pans.
383
00:13:51,138 --> 00:13:52,039
You'd never get to sleep.
384
00:13:52,139 --> 00:13:53,340
I promise you.
385
00:13:53,441 --> 00:13:54,241
Leave the dishes.
386
00:13:54,341 --> 00:13:55,209
Leave the dishes.
387
00:13:55,309 --> 00:13:56,110
OK.
388
00:13:56,210 --> 00:13:59,180
I'll race you to sleep.
389
00:13:59,280 --> 00:14:00,881
Honey, are you in there?
390
00:14:08,856 --> 00:14:13,461
[phone ringing]
391
00:14:15,629 --> 00:14:17,932
Stop tilting the room, and I'll get it.
392
00:14:18,032 --> 00:14:21,736
[phone ringing]
393
00:14:21,836 --> 00:14:23,938
About time.
394
00:14:24,038 --> 00:14:24,839
Hello.
395
00:14:24,939 --> 00:14:26,240
Oh, hi, Pickles.
396
00:14:26,340 --> 00:14:28,576
No, Buddy already left.
397
00:14:28,676 --> 00:14:30,177
Oh, we're sorry you couldn't come too.
398
00:14:30,277 --> 00:14:31,679
We had a great party.
399
00:14:31,779 --> 00:14:32,947
Why he'll be home pretty soon.
400
00:14:33,047 --> 00:14:33,881
OK.
401
00:14:33,981 --> 00:14:35,616
Bye, Pickles.
402
00:14:35,716 --> 00:14:37,418
You know it's a shame I didn't have Glen give
403
00:14:37,518 --> 00:14:39,120
you a post hypnotic suggestion.
404
00:14:39,220 --> 00:14:41,522
You mean like maybe every time the phone rang,
405
00:14:41,622 --> 00:14:42,990
I do the dishes or something?
406
00:14:43,090 --> 00:14:44,125
And the pots, and the pans.
407
00:14:44,225 --> 00:14:45,626
Remind me never to get hypnotized.
408
00:14:56,403 --> 00:15:00,307
Marge, listen I have got to talk to Mel before the sponsor's
409
00:15:00,407 --> 00:15:01,642
conference this afternoon.
410
00:15:01,742 --> 00:15:04,044
When he comes in, will you have him ring me?
411
00:15:04,145 --> 00:15:05,146
Yeah, thanks.
412
00:15:27,234 --> 00:15:28,169
County jail.
413
00:15:31,138 --> 00:15:32,306
Who, Mel?
414
00:15:32,406 --> 00:15:34,608
If he wants to come in, let him come in.
415
00:15:42,583 --> 00:15:47,188
They don't make jackets like my mother used to.
416
00:15:47,288 --> 00:15:48,589
Who designed this, Houdini?
417
00:15:54,261 --> 00:15:56,163
Be with you in a minute, Mel.
418
00:15:56,263 --> 00:15:59,433
Yeah, oh, hi, Sal.
419
00:15:59,533 --> 00:16:00,768
No, I think you can be late today.
420
00:16:00,868 --> 00:16:03,270
I'm positive that Buddy's planning to be.
421
00:16:03,370 --> 00:16:04,772
Yeah, we'll see you later.
422
00:16:04,872 --> 00:16:05,873
OK, bye.
423
00:16:05,973 --> 00:16:07,441
Mel, you don't possibly need Buddy
424
00:16:07,541 --> 00:16:10,678
or Sally for the sponsor's conference, do you?
425
00:16:10,778 --> 00:16:14,648
Is that the latest in casual attire?
426
00:16:14,748 --> 00:16:17,318
How in the world did I get twisted like that?
427
00:16:17,418 --> 00:16:18,452
I don't know, but I suggest you
428
00:16:18,552 --> 00:16:19,687
straighten it out right away.
429
00:16:19,787 --> 00:16:21,288
Mr. Boland is here, and he'd like
430
00:16:21,388 --> 00:16:23,390
to stop in and say hello for a few minutes before the meeting.
431
00:16:23,490 --> 00:16:24,225
Good. Send him in.
432
00:16:24,325 --> 00:16:27,328
I'll be right back.
433
00:16:27,428 --> 00:16:29,163
How in the world did that happen?
434
00:16:40,140 --> 00:16:41,075
I'm in a bunch.
435
00:16:45,145 --> 00:16:47,381
Hello.
436
00:16:47,481 --> 00:16:49,617
Mage, hello.
437
00:16:49,717 --> 00:16:53,254
I can't hear you, Marge.
438
00:16:53,354 --> 00:16:54,188
Come in.
439
00:16:54,288 --> 00:16:57,491
I'm on the phone.
440
00:16:57,591 --> 00:17:00,427
Hello, Marge.
441
00:17:00,527 --> 00:17:01,896
Rob.
442
00:17:01,996 --> 00:17:02,830
Rob.
443
00:17:02,930 --> 00:17:04,198
Just a second, Mel, can't you see
444
00:17:04,298 --> 00:17:07,668
that I am talking on the coat?
445
00:17:07,768 --> 00:17:10,404
Rob, Mr. Boland is here.
446
00:17:10,504 --> 00:17:13,941
Fine, send him in.
447
00:17:14,041 --> 00:17:15,609
Rob he's here.
448
00:17:15,709 --> 00:17:18,479
Not much, keep talking, honey, I
449
00:17:18,579 --> 00:17:20,180
know you're in there somewhere.
450
00:17:22,616 --> 00:17:24,218
I will try and find you, Marge.
451
00:17:24,318 --> 00:17:27,121
Mr. Cooley, what is he doing?
452
00:17:29,924 --> 00:17:32,259
A little early in the morning for a man to be
453
00:17:32,359 --> 00:17:33,227
in that condition, isn't it?
454
00:17:33,327 --> 00:17:34,628
Oh, no he's perfectly--
455
00:17:34,728 --> 00:17:37,364
Marge, Marge, I can hear you talking, honey.
456
00:17:37,464 --> 00:17:38,532
Don't get panicky.
457
00:17:38,632 --> 00:17:40,701
I think I know where you are.
458
00:17:40,801 --> 00:17:43,537
Rob, Rob, what are you doing?
459
00:17:43,637 --> 00:17:48,676
There is a girl suffocating in my jacket.
460
00:17:48,776 --> 00:17:51,645
Rob, Mr. Boland is a very busy man.
461
00:17:51,745 --> 00:17:55,616
Just a moment, Mr. Cooley, I am a very busy man.
462
00:17:55,716 --> 00:17:58,886
But I'm never too busy to watch a creative writer
463
00:17:58,986 --> 00:18:00,888
working out a comedy routine.
464
00:18:06,126 --> 00:18:06,827
Comedy routines?
465
00:18:06,927 --> 00:18:08,362
Yeah, that's very amusing.
466
00:18:08,462 --> 00:18:13,334
Gentlemen, would you please try and control yourselves?
467
00:18:13,434 --> 00:18:16,637
There is a poor girl stuck in the lining of my jacket.
468
00:18:19,640 --> 00:18:23,377
And I think that I may have to operate on her.
469
00:18:23,477 --> 00:18:24,511
Very good.
470
00:18:24,611 --> 00:18:26,280
Yeah, you see he's playing drunk.
471
00:18:26,380 --> 00:18:27,881
And there's a girl--
472
00:18:27,982 --> 00:18:31,251
Oh, Rob, you don't have to go as far as to ruin your jacket.
473
00:18:31,352 --> 00:18:35,622
Sir, I am a doctor.
474
00:18:35,723 --> 00:18:37,725
To save this young girl, I would've cut
475
00:18:37,825 --> 00:18:40,594
off my pants and my diploma.
476
00:18:40,694 --> 00:18:45,032
What do you think of that, Dr. Zorba?
477
00:18:45,132 --> 00:18:46,166
Rob.
478
00:18:46,266 --> 00:18:48,502
If you are squeamish of mind, why don't you
479
00:18:48,602 --> 00:18:51,505
turn to another channel?
480
00:18:51,605 --> 00:18:55,142
Now that's the kind of sketch I want to see on Alan's show
481
00:18:55,242 --> 00:18:56,744
this week.
482
00:18:56,844 --> 00:18:57,711
That's what we planned.
483
00:18:57,811 --> 00:18:58,912
Well, good, good, good.
484
00:18:59,013 --> 00:18:59,913
Oh.
485
00:19:14,328 --> 00:19:15,629
How do you feel, Marge?
486
00:19:15,729 --> 00:19:17,231
That's good.
487
00:19:17,331 --> 00:19:20,000
Marge, do not laugh too hard, or you will rip your stitches.
488
00:19:23,570 --> 00:19:25,372
Rip your stitches I like that.
489
00:19:25,472 --> 00:19:26,640
Oh.
490
00:19:26,740 --> 00:19:32,046
Oh, Dr. Zorba, just because I disobeyed you,
491
00:19:32,146 --> 00:19:34,815
you didn't have to cut off all your hair.
492
00:19:39,653 --> 00:19:42,356
That's a very funny routine, Rob.
493
00:19:42,456 --> 00:19:43,857
Now it's time for our meeting.
494
00:19:43,957 --> 00:19:44,825
Oh, that's marvelous.
495
00:19:44,925 --> 00:19:46,226
Let's have the meeting.
496
00:19:46,326 --> 00:19:49,129
Excuse me, won't you?
497
00:19:49,229 --> 00:19:50,497
Hello.
498
00:19:50,597 --> 00:19:52,699
Marge, what?
499
00:19:52,800 --> 00:19:53,801
Marge, will you stop laughing.
500
00:19:53,901 --> 00:19:55,302
I can't understand.
501
00:19:55,402 --> 00:19:57,237
Will you control yourself?
502
00:19:57,337 --> 00:19:58,505
You wanna tell me, what?
503
00:19:58,605 --> 00:20:00,207
You wanna tell me I'm very funny.
504
00:20:00,307 --> 00:20:01,542
Yeah, you are.
505
00:20:01,642 --> 00:20:03,243
ROBERT PETRIE: Oh, well, thank you very much then, Marge.
506
00:20:08,749 --> 00:20:12,686
Well, I think that Marge may need a vacation.
507
00:20:12,786 --> 00:20:14,388
Well, Mr. Boland, how are you?
508
00:20:14,488 --> 00:20:18,192
I'm fine, but I certainly don't have to ask how you are.
509
00:20:18,292 --> 00:20:19,359
Oh, you don't.
510
00:20:19,460 --> 00:20:21,261
You're just as brilliantly creative as ever.
511
00:20:21,361 --> 00:20:22,229
I am.
512
00:20:22,329 --> 00:20:24,064
And now it's time for our meeting.
513
00:20:24,164 --> 00:20:25,866
I don't have to hear anymore.
514
00:20:25,966 --> 00:20:28,001
You just keep writing sketches like the one
515
00:20:28,102 --> 00:20:29,336
you just did on that phone.
516
00:20:29,436 --> 00:20:31,305
Like the one I just did on the phone.
517
00:20:31,405 --> 00:20:32,539
That's right.
518
00:20:32,639 --> 00:20:34,208
Yeah, I want to talk to Alan alone for a few minutes.
519
00:20:34,308 --> 00:20:35,709
Will you just give us a couple of minutes?
520
00:20:35,809 --> 00:20:37,344
Oh, fine sure. Fine.
521
00:20:37,444 --> 00:20:38,345
Yeah.
522
00:20:43,584 --> 00:20:44,785
[inaudible]
523
00:20:54,895 --> 00:20:56,797
Mel, are you kidding me?
524
00:20:56,897 --> 00:20:58,665
I don't know who's kidding who.
525
00:20:58,765 --> 00:21:00,868
I think I know what happened.
526
00:21:00,968 --> 00:21:04,638
Marge, Marge, will you stop it.
527
00:21:04,738 --> 00:21:06,106
Control yourself, just for a minute.
528
00:21:06,206 --> 00:21:08,609
Look, I want you to get me Glen Jameson on the phone.
529
00:21:08,709 --> 00:21:09,910
Well, you've got his number out there.
530
00:21:10,010 --> 00:21:12,179
All right, goodbye.
531
00:21:12,279 --> 00:21:13,881
Well, I'm not sure that it's possible.
532
00:21:13,981 --> 00:21:15,249
But I think that's it.
533
00:21:15,349 --> 00:21:16,617
What's it?
534
00:21:16,717 --> 00:21:19,586
The party, you couldn't make it to the party last night.
535
00:21:19,686 --> 00:21:20,821
That's right.
536
00:21:20,921 --> 00:21:22,256
We had a party last night, and Buddy--
537
00:21:26,693 --> 00:21:29,229
The poor little Billy.
538
00:21:29,329 --> 00:21:31,098
He's so sweet.
539
00:21:31,198 --> 00:21:33,534
And I think I was hypnotized.
540
00:21:36,537 --> 00:21:37,337
That's it.
541
00:21:37,437 --> 00:21:39,740
What's it?
542
00:21:39,840 --> 00:21:40,908
You don't understand?
543
00:21:41,008 --> 00:21:44,311
No, I-- you explain it to me later.
544
00:21:44,411 --> 00:21:45,779
OK.
545
00:21:45,879 --> 00:21:47,514
Hello.
546
00:21:47,614 --> 00:21:49,950
Oh, Glen, am I glad you called.
547
00:21:50,050 --> 00:21:52,553
Listen, I'm glad you had a good time.
548
00:21:52,653 --> 00:21:54,087
So did I it was a wonderful party.
549
00:21:54,188 --> 00:21:57,791
Look, Glen, do you remember the posthypnotic suggestion
550
00:21:57,891 --> 00:21:59,293
you tried to give Buddy?
551
00:21:59,393 --> 00:22:00,661
Well, it didn't work on him, but I
552
00:22:00,761 --> 00:22:02,663
intercepted it in the kitchen.
553
00:22:02,763 --> 00:22:04,031
Yeah.
554
00:22:04,131 --> 00:22:05,799
Every time I hear a bell ring around here,
555
00:22:05,899 --> 00:22:08,735
I get roaring drunk.
556
00:22:08,835 --> 00:22:09,736
It's a good idea.
557
00:22:09,836 --> 00:22:10,637
You've got me drunk.
558
00:22:10,737 --> 00:22:12,172
You sober me up.
559
00:22:12,272 --> 00:22:14,241
Listen, I won't budge from the place until you get here.
560
00:22:14,341 --> 00:22:15,909
I'll sit right here and wait for you.
561
00:22:16,009 --> 00:22:17,344
OK. Bye.
562
00:22:17,444 --> 00:22:18,345
Hurry.
563
00:22:21,648 --> 00:22:26,253
Marge, under no circumstances let this phone ring.
564
00:22:26,353 --> 00:22:27,721
I'll explain it to you later.
565
00:22:27,821 --> 00:22:29,690
Just don't let it ring.
566
00:22:29,790 --> 00:22:30,924
Oh.
567
00:22:33,627 --> 00:22:36,663
Mr. Boland must have thought I was insane, cutting holes
568
00:22:36,763 --> 00:22:41,635
in my sport jacket, might just as well get some work done
569
00:22:41,735 --> 00:22:42,669
when he gets here.
570
00:22:45,639 --> 00:22:48,942
Let's see, where was I?
571
00:22:49,042 --> 00:22:53,680
Alan says, good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
572
00:22:53,780 --> 00:22:55,549
I just got back--
573
00:23:17,571 --> 00:23:18,305
All Right.
574
00:23:18,405 --> 00:23:19,573
Let's see what I've got here.
575
00:23:22,643 --> 00:23:25,812
Alan says, folks, good evening I just got back from Washington
576
00:23:25,912 --> 00:23:34,421
D.C., and you know what D.C. stand for, [non-english] Oh,
577
00:23:34,521 --> 00:23:36,590
no.
578
00:23:36,690 --> 00:23:39,092
GLEN JAMESON: Now do you understand, Rob, when I snap
579
00:23:39,192 --> 00:23:40,928
my fingers, you'll wake up.
580
00:23:41,028 --> 00:23:42,262
You won't remember anything that happened,
581
00:23:42,362 --> 00:23:45,165
and you'll feel absolutely wonderful.
582
00:23:45,265 --> 00:23:46,366
LAURA PETRIE: Are you all right, Rob?
583
00:23:46,466 --> 00:23:47,801
BUDDY SORRELL: You OK? You sure?
584
00:23:47,901 --> 00:23:48,735
Am I all right?
585
00:23:48,835 --> 00:23:50,137
Have them ring a phone.
586
00:23:50,237 --> 00:23:50,837
OK.
587
00:23:50,937 --> 00:23:51,905
Marge, you can ring now.
588
00:23:52,005 --> 00:23:53,240
Gee, I feel great.
589
00:23:57,878 --> 00:24:03,016
Glen, Glen, he's still drunk.
590
00:24:03,116 --> 00:24:06,086
Either that or somebody stole his bones.
591
00:24:06,186 --> 00:24:07,955
Glen, what went wrong?
592
00:24:08,055 --> 00:24:09,856
Why I don't understand unless he's kidding.
593
00:24:09,956 --> 00:24:10,791
Rob, are you kidding?
594
00:24:10,891 --> 00:24:11,692
Of course, I'm kidding.
595
00:24:11,792 --> 00:24:13,894
Oh, Rob.
596
00:24:13,994 --> 00:24:15,395
Oh, you're worse than, Buddy.
597
00:24:15,495 --> 00:24:16,196
I'm sorry.
598
00:24:16,296 --> 00:24:18,365
That was a mean thing to do.
599
00:24:18,465 --> 00:24:20,701
[applause]
600
00:24:20,801 --> 00:24:24,237
[theme music]
601
00:24:28,208 --> 00:24:33,046
[theme music]
41907
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