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[theme song]
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ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show,"
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starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry
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Matthews and Mary Tyler Moore.
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Very, very good. SALLY ROGERS: What?
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Listen to this.
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Now it's the turn of the century, you see,
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and Alan will play the part of Diamond Jim Brady.
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And he escorts the guest star on the show to Tony Pastors.
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Oh, good. BUDDY SORRELL: Hey, good, good.
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And maybe we could get him to do some money
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jokes like, he's so rich that--
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Yeah, he's so rich that, uh, he's
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even got a solid gold bathtub.
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And what he gets out is a 14-carat ring.
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No, no, this guy is too rich to take a bath.
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Too rich to take a bath?
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I mean, a regular bath. SALLY ROGERS: Oh.
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He takes milk baths. That's it, milk baths.
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Oh, I got it.
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He ties a cow to the ceiling and takes a shower.
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Look, don't worry.
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We'll get some good jokes later.
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SALLY ROGERS: Yeah.
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Well, you didn't say you wanted good jokes.
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Look, Buddy, the jokes are just a lead in, anyway,
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to the barbershop number because two singing waiters
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will come out and join Alan.
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Yeah, that's right.
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ROB PETRIE: Sally, you think we ought to run it
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down once just to [inaudible]. - Sure, I'll play.
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Good, all right.
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Let's see.
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I'll be-- I'll be Alan and you'll
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be the female guest star.
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(SINGING) We were sailing along.
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(SINGING) We were sailing along.
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(SINGING) On the Moonlight Bay.
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(SINGING) On the Moonlight Bay.
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(SINGING) We could hear the voices ringing.
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(SINGING) You could hear them ring.
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(SINGING) They seem to say--
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(SINGING) They seem to say--
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(SINGING)--you have stolen my heart.
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(SINGING)--you've stolen my heart.
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(SINGING) And now don't go away.
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(SINGING) Now don't go away.
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(SINGING) As we sing love's old sweet
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song on Moonlight Bay.
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On Moonlight Bay.
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I hope I'm not disturbing anything.
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No, I was expecting a headache anyway.
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Come on, Buddy, that's $0.25.
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All right, my play is here.
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What-- what are they doing?
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Well, we have a new rule.
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Every time Buddy insults you, he has to donate $0.25 to charity.
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You mean every time--
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he has to pay?
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Yes, and all the money goes to aid mental health.
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Mental health?
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Yeah, we're trying to discover a cure
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for baldness of the brain.
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I got a copy of the sketch, Mel.
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Hey, Sally, what will it cost me to call
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him a big blubber nose baboon?
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Well, that will run you roughly $0.75.
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Can't afford it.
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You're not a big blubber nose baboon.
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You're a small blubber nose baboon.
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Rob.
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Come no, Buddy.
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Well, Mel, is Alan ready to hear the sketch?
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Yes, and I hope it's good.
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Oh, it is.
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Then I'll read it to Alan.
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You are going to read our comedy sketch to Alan?
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Why not?
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It's like Benedict Arnold reading the Declaration
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of Independence.
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Mel, I think it would be better
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if we read the sketch to Alan.
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All right.
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All right, I'll buy that.
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I hope it's funny. - It will be.
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Come on, gang.
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No, wait a minute.
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You and Sally read, not him.
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What do you want me to do?
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You can-- that's for what I was thinking.
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Sal, would you get an extra copy of the script?
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Oh, sure.
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Hey, Buddy, if any of my boyfriends call up and propose,
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say, yes.
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Hey, what about Irving Think?
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Ew.
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What do you mean, ew?
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Sure.
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[chuckles]
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[phone rings]
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Yeah, Marge.
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My brother?
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No, Mar-- yeah, I got a brother.
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No, he couldn't possibly be here.
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He's in South America.
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Yeah, he's not in South America.
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Yeah, all right, send him in.
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Yeah, he's very charming.
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Charming, he got all the charm of an old-fashioned train
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wreck.
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[knock on door]
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Come on in.
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Buddy, baby.
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[laughs] It's your kid brother, Blackie.
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[continues laughing]
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Why don't you get out of here?
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[chuckles] You're kidding.
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[fake chuckle] I'm not.
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Get out of here.
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Buddy, is that any way to greet your brother?
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Just to see you, I came all the way from Brazil.
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Well, I got all the coffee beans I can use.
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I'm happy to see you haven't lost your sense of humor.
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Yeah, if you stick around, you'll see me lose my temper.
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Buddy, I'm your brother.
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Look, don't rub it in.
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You're the brother that's embarrassed
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and humiliated me for years.
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Now what do you want here?
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Oh, Buddy, I've changed.
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Since I've seen you last, a lot has happened to me.
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Oh, the cops caught up with you.
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[chuckles] Wait a second.
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Rig-a-rig-a-rig-a-dig.
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Dig-rig-a-rig-dig-- my card.
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Lopez, de Groot and Sorrell, land
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investments, Rio de Janeiro.
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Mhm, where did you meet le Groot and de Groot
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and Lopez, in a pool room?
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Look, I know this is hard to believe,
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but this is a legitimate and successful business.
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Feel the texture of that card, genuine gabardine.
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[inaudible],, what do you want here?
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Nothing.
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It's just that I'm getting old and I--
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I want to set a few things right before my good looks fade away.
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You know, nobody believes I was a homely child.
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Well, that cute stuff don't go with me anymore.
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All right, Blackie, come on.
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How long has it been since you held a pool cue in your hand?
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Well, it's been five years since I held a prull cue--
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a pril-- a cra-- a crill--
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pimp.
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You see, I can't even say it anymore.
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Buddy, do you know why I came here?
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Come on, how much you need?
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It's not money.
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I want to introduce you to the new me.
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You mean, you want me to introduce
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the old you to my new friends so you can
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hustle them into a pool game? Well, I'm not going to do it.
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See, far as I'm concerned, you can get outta here right now.
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Now wait a second.
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Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, Buddy.
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What do I have to do to convince you I'm on the level?
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Leave town.
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Buddy, don't you believe a man can change?
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Yeah, a man can change, but you've never been a man.
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Goodbye, Blackie.
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Well, I'm sorry you feel that way.
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Well, I'm sorry you made me feel that way.
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[clacking of keyboard]
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Buddy, you're wrong, and I'm gonna prove it to you.
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I'll see you later.
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I'm not gonna let him use me again.
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Well, now I know who my friends are.
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Marge told me your brother was here
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and you let him get away without even introducing me to him.
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Buddy, I'll never forgive you for that.
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Sally, I told you he's not your type.
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SALLY ROGERS: Is he single?
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Yeah.
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He's my type.
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Lucky for you, I got a date though.
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ROB PETRIE: Hey, gang.
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Alan, loved the script. You can all scoot.
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- Oh, good. - Hey, great.
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Hey, Rob, do me a favor.
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Cover the merchandise, will you?
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I'm in an awful hurry.
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I've only got 40 minutes to go home, shower, get dressed, make
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up and get ready for an evening with Herman
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Glimcher, boy octopus.
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Goodnight, gentlemen.
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Goodnight, Sal.
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Yeah, goodnight, Sal.
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Ah, goodnight, Rob.
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Buddy, is there anything wrong?
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No, I'm all right.
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I probably ate too much for lunch.
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Something disagreed with me.
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Night.
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Night.
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[whistling]
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[knock on door]
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Come in.
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Oh, I beg your pardon, sir.
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Has Buddy Sorrell left?
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Oh, he just left about five minutes ago.
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Well, I'm his brother, Blackie.
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Oh, I heard you were here.
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I'm-- I'm Rob Petrie.
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Glad to meet you. - Nice to see you.
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I had some things I wanted to show Buddy.
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Well, listen, he'll be home in about 15 minutes.
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Oh, thanks. I'll catch him tomorrow.
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You know, I have to tell you, Blackie,
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that working with that guy of yours is really a pleasure.
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Are all you Sorrell's as funny as Buddy?
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No, my mother was very strict.
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She said, you can't all be funny.
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Ah, one of you has to be handsome, well.
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You made a wise choice.
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[chuckles] Actually, we're all handsome in my family,
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but Buddy just hides it better than.
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I see.
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We're all salesmen too.
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Buddy sells jokes and I sell real estate.
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Hey, you wanna go in business together
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and sell funny real estate?
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Oh, boy, you're Buddy's brother, all right.
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Hey, you know something?
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If you're gonna be in town a couple of weeks,
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my wife and I would just love to have you come out to the house
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and visit us.
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You know, we can't offer you much except maybe
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some home cooking and some fresh suburban air
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and maybe a whole movie or two and, well, maybe a little pool.
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Did you, ah--
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did you, ah-- did you say pool?
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You mean, you have a little pool for waiting, I guess, huh?
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No, no, pool, a billiards.
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You mean, you've got a pool table?
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Yeah, in the basement.
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Oh, well.
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I'd like to take you up on that sometime.
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Maybe I'll give you one of my cards
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and give you my phone number. I--
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Fine.
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What happened to my wallet?
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I-- gee, I hope I haven't lost it.
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So where'd you have it last?
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Well, I had it right here.
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I took it out when I-- when I loaned Buddy some money.
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Oh, I, um--
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Well, let's take a look around for it, Blackie.
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Yeah, well, if you're on your way home, I don't--
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I don't want to hold you up.
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No, no, that's all right.
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I, um--
261
00:09:35,601 --> 00:09:36,518
So where were you standing?
262
00:09:36,602 --> 00:09:37,936
Well, I was just everywhere.
263
00:09:38,061 --> 00:09:39,438
I walked over here, I think, and I sat in the chair.
264
00:09:39,521 --> 00:09:40,939
Then I-- look, you're on your way home.
265
00:09:41,065 --> 00:09:42,483
I don't want to hold you up.
266
00:09:42,608 --> 00:09:44,234
But if you live in the suburbs, you probably have a-- have
267
00:09:44,318 --> 00:09:45,944
a big trip ahead of you, hey? - Oh, no.
268
00:09:46,028 --> 00:09:46,987
I go up to New Rochelle.
269
00:09:47,112 --> 00:09:48,322
I make it in about 40 minutes.
270
00:09:48,447 --> 00:09:50,115
New Rochelle, huh?
271
00:09:50,240 --> 00:09:51,408
Ah, hey.
272
00:09:51,492 --> 00:09:53,077
[chuckles] What do you know?
273
00:09:53,160 --> 00:09:54,411
I must ah-- I found my wallet.
274
00:09:54,495 --> 00:09:56,121
I must have dropped it in there. - Oh, wonderful.
275
00:09:56,246 --> 00:09:57,164
Yeah.
276
00:09:57,289 --> 00:09:58,415
So you live in a New Rochelle.
277
00:09:58,499 --> 00:09:59,666
What a coincidence.
278
00:09:59,792 --> 00:10:00,793
Coincidence?
279
00:10:00,876 --> 00:10:02,294
Yes, I have a-- an after dinner business
280
00:10:02,419 --> 00:10:04,004
engagement in Scarsdale.
281
00:10:04,129 --> 00:10:05,547
Is that still near New Rochelle?
282
00:10:05,631 --> 00:10:06,882
[chuckles] Oh, well.
283
00:10:06,965 --> 00:10:08,467
Yeah, they don't move towns that large often.
284
00:10:08,592 --> 00:10:10,803
[chuckles] What's the easiest way to get there?
285
00:10:10,928 --> 00:10:12,638
Well-- well, the easiest way to get
286
00:10:12,763 --> 00:10:13,972
there is for me to drive you.
287
00:10:14,056 --> 00:10:14,848
Would you?
288
00:10:14,973 --> 00:10:15,849
I sure will.
289
00:10:15,933 --> 00:10:17,601
And listen, before your appointment,
290
00:10:17,684 --> 00:10:18,644
why don't you drop by the house and have dinner with us?
291
00:10:18,769 --> 00:10:19,853
I thought you'd never ask.
292
00:10:19,937 --> 00:10:22,147
[laughs] [inaudible] about luck, huh?
293
00:10:22,272 --> 00:10:24,024
That must be a Chinese dish, huh?
294
00:10:26,318 --> 00:10:28,987
Laura, the dinner was just wonderful, I got to tell you.
295
00:10:29,113 --> 00:10:31,865
You-- you boiled Frankfurt is better than my mother.
296
00:10:31,949 --> 00:10:33,784
[chuckles] Thank you.
297
00:10:33,909 --> 00:10:35,160
Well, there's half a hot dog left.
298
00:10:35,285 --> 00:10:36,078
Who gets it?
299
00:10:36,161 --> 00:10:38,455
Blackie?
300
00:10:38,580 --> 00:10:41,500
Well, I'll force myself.
301
00:10:41,625 --> 00:10:43,377
Well, what can we do for you until you
302
00:10:43,460 --> 00:10:44,795
take your appointment tonight?
303
00:10:44,878 --> 00:10:48,966
Um, television or movies, community scene, coffee
304
00:10:49,049 --> 00:10:51,593
or pool?
305
00:10:51,677 --> 00:10:54,388
You-- you really have a pool table, don't you?
306
00:10:54,471 --> 00:10:55,722
Yeah, down in the basement.
307
00:10:55,806 --> 00:10:57,099
Laura gave it to me to keep me off the streets.
308
00:10:57,182 --> 00:10:58,976
[chuckles] Would you like to play?
309
00:10:59,059 --> 00:11:00,436
Well, ah, I'd love to try.
310
00:11:00,519 --> 00:11:01,562
It's been a long time.
311
00:11:01,645 --> 00:11:03,021
OK. You want to join us, honey?
312
00:11:03,147 --> 00:11:03,981
No, no, no.
313
00:11:04,064 --> 00:11:04,898
You two go ahead.
314
00:11:04,982 --> 00:11:06,108
I'll rack up the dishes.
315
00:11:06,191 --> 00:11:08,068
Oh, do you-- do you, ah-- you play pool, Laura?
316
00:11:08,152 --> 00:11:09,111
Not with this one, I don't.
317
00:11:09,236 --> 00:11:10,112
He's a real hustler.
318
00:11:10,237 --> 00:11:11,238
Is he now?
319
00:11:11,321 --> 00:11:13,157
You've heard of Minnesota Fats?
320
00:11:13,282 --> 00:11:14,199
This is Illinois Skinny.
321
00:11:14,283 --> 00:11:16,118
[laughs]
322
00:11:16,243 --> 00:11:17,411
Now you two go ahead.
323
00:11:17,494 --> 00:11:18,370
I'll bring your coffee down to you later.
324
00:11:18,454 --> 00:11:19,288
OK, thanks, honey.
325
00:11:19,413 --> 00:11:20,622
This way, Blackie.
326
00:11:20,706 --> 00:11:22,624
Are you really as good as she says you are?
327
00:11:22,750 --> 00:11:24,835
I'll let my pool cue speak for me.
328
00:11:24,960 --> 00:11:25,836
This way, Pigeon.
329
00:11:28,422 --> 00:11:29,757
Just throw your coat anywhere, Blackie.
330
00:11:29,840 --> 00:11:31,759
Hey, you really got a real professional setup here,
331
00:11:31,842 --> 00:11:32,676
haven't ya?
332
00:11:32,801 --> 00:11:34,178
Oh, yeah.
333
00:11:34,303 --> 00:11:35,971
OK, choose your pool cue.
334
00:11:36,054 --> 00:11:37,556
Oh, it doesn't make any difference to me.
335
00:11:37,639 --> 00:11:38,640
Any one at all will do.
336
00:11:38,766 --> 00:11:39,975
Oh, OK.
337
00:11:40,100 --> 00:11:40,976
Thank you.
338
00:11:44,313 --> 00:11:45,397
What are you doing that for?
339
00:11:45,481 --> 00:11:46,774
Just to see if it's warped or not.
340
00:11:46,857 --> 00:11:47,775
Oh, I see.
341
00:11:54,865 --> 00:11:56,992
Nice, um, round ball, isn't it?
342
00:11:57,117 --> 00:11:58,035
Oh, yeah.
343
00:11:58,118 --> 00:11:59,119
I wonder what it's made of.
344
00:11:59,244 --> 00:12:00,037
Gee, I don't know.
345
00:12:00,120 --> 00:12:00,954
Ivory, I think.
346
00:12:01,080 --> 00:12:02,790
Oh, nice and white too.
347
00:12:12,716 --> 00:12:13,884
I bet I know what you're doing that for.
348
00:12:13,967 --> 00:12:15,427
[chuckles] Friction, right? - Right.
349
00:12:15,511 --> 00:12:16,887
BLACKIE SORRELL: Yeah.
350
00:12:16,970 --> 00:12:18,514
I saw that movie with Paul Newman and Jackie Gleason.
351
00:12:18,639 --> 00:12:19,723
Oh, wasn't that great?
352
00:12:19,807 --> 00:12:21,100
Yeah.
353
00:12:21,183 --> 00:12:22,559
Are there really fellows like that who trick other fellows
354
00:12:22,643 --> 00:12:24,061
into playing pool for money?
355
00:12:24,144 --> 00:12:27,648
Oh, yeah, there are guys that make a living at that.
356
00:12:27,773 --> 00:12:29,983
You're, ah-- you're not-- you're not one of them,
357
00:12:30,067 --> 00:12:30,818
are you?
358
00:12:30,901 --> 00:12:32,152
Oh, no, but I could have been.
359
00:12:32,236 --> 00:12:33,779
But my wife won't let me go to a pool hall alone.
360
00:12:33,862 --> 00:12:38,617
[laughs] Oh, boy, what do you want to play?
361
00:12:38,700 --> 00:12:40,244
Well, it makes no difference to me.
362
00:12:40,327 --> 00:12:41,829
Well, how about eightball, do like that?
363
00:12:41,954 --> 00:12:44,289
Eightball, is that where you lose if you knock in the eight
364
00:12:44,373 --> 00:12:45,249
ball before the rest?
365
00:12:45,332 --> 00:12:46,750
That's it. Shall we?
366
00:12:46,834 --> 00:12:47,459
Well--
367
00:12:47,584 --> 00:12:48,460
OK, you break them.
368
00:12:48,585 --> 00:12:49,795
Break them?
369
00:12:49,878 --> 00:12:51,296
Yeah, hit the-- hit the first ball there.
370
00:12:51,422 --> 00:12:53,215
Oh, when you hit the first ball, of course, break them.
371
00:12:53,298 --> 00:12:55,634
I haven't played for some time so you'll have to bear with me.
372
00:12:55,717 --> 00:12:56,969
That's-- you'll catch on.
373
00:12:57,052 --> 00:12:58,971
Yeah, I used to stand like this, I remember.
374
00:12:59,054 --> 00:13:01,890
Then-- and 1 and 2 and--
375
00:13:01,974 --> 00:13:02,808
oh.
376
00:13:02,933 --> 00:13:04,309
Oh, it's that too bad, Blackie.
377
00:13:04,435 --> 00:13:05,269
Try again.
378
00:13:05,352 --> 00:13:06,562
Well, is that allowed?
379
00:13:06,645 --> 00:13:08,063
Well, in a friendly game like this, it is--
380
00:13:08,147 --> 00:13:10,566
Oh, thank you, thank you.
381
00:13:10,649 --> 00:13:11,734
Hey, Blackie, look.
382
00:13:11,817 --> 00:13:13,110
It's either you put that Q in there
383
00:13:13,193 --> 00:13:14,153
and curl it four finger over.
384
00:13:14,236 --> 00:13:15,070
See that?
385
00:13:15,154 --> 00:13:16,321
Gives you control.
386
00:13:16,405 --> 00:13:17,614
Yes, yes.
387
00:13:17,698 --> 00:13:19,491
Yes, you-- you just curl the finger over.
388
00:13:19,575 --> 00:13:20,409
Yeah, that's it.
389
00:13:20,492 --> 00:13:21,744
It gives you a little--
390
00:13:21,827 --> 00:13:24,121
Because your fingers are taller than mine.
391
00:13:24,204 --> 00:13:25,706
Just curl the fingers over like that, huh?
392
00:13:25,831 --> 00:13:30,461
And then kind of go 1, and a 2 and a 3.
393
00:13:30,544 --> 00:13:32,921
[chuckles] I got one in, didn't I?
394
00:13:33,005 --> 00:13:34,298
Yeah, you did.
395
00:13:34,381 --> 00:13:36,717
The only trouble is, Blackie, yep, it was the eight ball.
396
00:13:36,800 --> 00:13:38,635
Oh, that means I lose, doesn't it?
397
00:13:38,761 --> 00:13:40,554
Yeah, [chuckles] it sure does.
398
00:13:40,637 --> 00:13:42,598
Holy smokes, you know what that was?
399
00:13:42,681 --> 00:13:43,807
That was a chance in a million.
400
00:13:43,932 --> 00:13:45,142
I don't believe I've ever seen an eight
401
00:13:45,225 --> 00:13:46,435
ball go in on the break before.
402
00:13:46,518 --> 00:13:47,686
You know something?
403
00:13:47,811 --> 00:13:48,937
You couldn't do that again if you tried?
404
00:13:56,695 --> 00:13:58,447
You know, I could have been pretty good at this
405
00:13:58,530 --> 00:14:00,324
if I hadn't wasted my time as a kid
406
00:14:00,407 --> 00:14:02,993
hanging around the libraries.
407
00:14:03,118 --> 00:14:04,995
What the-- what's the score now, Rob?
408
00:14:05,079 --> 00:14:07,372
Well, I'm afraid I've got your five games to one, Blackie.
409
00:14:07,498 --> 00:14:08,582
Tell me the truth.
410
00:14:08,665 --> 00:14:09,917
You let me win the last one, did you?
411
00:14:10,000 --> 00:14:10,667
I did not.
412
00:14:10,793 --> 00:14:11,627
I played the best I could.
413
00:14:11,710 --> 00:14:12,669
Oh, come on.
414
00:14:12,795 --> 00:14:14,088
No, no kidding, I did.
415
00:14:14,171 --> 00:14:15,547
I tell you, there's only one way to keep honest.
416
00:14:15,672 --> 00:14:17,549
We gotta play the next game for a buck.
417
00:14:17,674 --> 00:14:19,468
No, Blackie, I don't like to play for money.
418
00:14:19,551 --> 00:14:21,345
To tell you the truth, neither do I. As a kid,
419
00:14:21,470 --> 00:14:22,888
we used to play for soda crackers.
420
00:14:23,013 --> 00:14:23,764
Soda crackers?
421
00:14:23,847 --> 00:14:25,390
Yeah, and I was pretty good too.
422
00:14:25,516 --> 00:14:27,976
They used to call me old dry mouth.
423
00:14:28,102 --> 00:14:30,312
I'll tell ya, we'll play for $1 worth of soda crackers,
424
00:14:30,437 --> 00:14:31,855
all right?
425
00:14:31,980 --> 00:14:33,273
LAURA PETRIE: Say fellas, you think you could get along
426
00:14:33,357 --> 00:14:34,817
without me for about a hour?
427
00:14:34,942 --> 00:14:36,652
There's a medical documentary on television I want to see.
428
00:14:36,777 --> 00:14:38,195
It is just as well.
429
00:14:38,320 --> 00:14:39,947
A kid like you doesn't belong in a gambling den anyway.
430
00:14:40,030 --> 00:14:40,656
Gambling?
431
00:14:40,781 --> 00:14:41,740
You playing for money?
432
00:14:41,824 --> 00:14:43,325
No, soda crackers.
433
00:14:43,409 --> 00:14:44,618
Soda crackers?
434
00:14:44,701 --> 00:14:46,036
Yeah, it'll give me the psychological edge
435
00:14:46,161 --> 00:14:47,037
I need to beat him.
436
00:14:47,162 --> 00:14:49,456
Illinois has to be five games to win.
437
00:14:49,540 --> 00:14:50,582
Well, I warned you about him.
438
00:14:50,666 --> 00:14:52,084
Listen, the coffee's right here.
439
00:14:52,167 --> 00:14:54,420
And if you want any more, just, uh, get it yourselves.
440
00:14:54,503 --> 00:14:56,964
Get out of here.
441
00:14:57,047 --> 00:14:58,674
- Cute wife you have, Rob. - No, she isn't.
442
00:14:58,799 --> 00:14:59,842
She just puts that on for company.
443
00:14:59,967 --> 00:15:02,177
Now this is for $1 worth--
444
00:15:02,302 --> 00:15:04,471
this is for $1 worth of soda crackers, right?
445
00:15:04,555 --> 00:15:05,848
All righty.
446
00:15:05,973 --> 00:15:07,641
OK, you're making me feel like a hustler, though.
447
00:15:07,724 --> 00:15:12,020
And 1 and a 2 and a--
448
00:15:12,146 --> 00:15:14,106
ha, here you go.
449
00:15:14,189 --> 00:15:17,651
When I play for soda crackers, I'm invincible.
450
00:15:23,824 --> 00:15:26,910
Oops, I guess it's your turn.
451
00:15:33,500 --> 00:15:34,418
Pretty tough shot, Rob.
452
00:15:34,501 --> 00:15:36,754
Mhm, it sure is.
453
00:15:36,837 --> 00:15:39,381
Well, I'll call a 9 in the corner pocket.
454
00:15:39,506 --> 00:15:40,507
9 in the corner pocket?
455
00:15:40,591 --> 00:15:41,508
Good luck.
456
00:15:41,633 --> 00:15:43,093
[chuckles] Here goes nothing.
457
00:15:46,346 --> 00:15:47,514
Hey, there.
458
00:15:47,639 --> 00:15:48,932
Hey, luck, huh?
459
00:15:49,016 --> 00:15:50,934
You just won yourself $1 worth of soda crackers.
460
00:15:51,018 --> 00:15:52,269
ROB PETRIE: Blackie, I'm afraid I'm
461
00:15:52,352 --> 00:15:53,854
not being a very polite host.
462
00:15:53,937 --> 00:15:56,023
Well, you must admit I played the best game that I could.
463
00:15:56,148 --> 00:15:57,733
Here's your buck. - No, I can't take it, Blackie.
464
00:15:57,858 --> 00:15:58,734
Oh, come on.
465
00:15:58,859 --> 00:16:00,069
You won it fair and square.
466
00:16:00,194 --> 00:16:01,445
I tell you what, you send me a dollar's worth
467
00:16:01,528 --> 00:16:02,696
of soda crackers sometime, OK.
468
00:16:02,821 --> 00:16:04,156
I'll tell you, give me a chance to get even.
469
00:16:04,239 --> 00:16:05,908
We'll play for $2 worth of soda crackers.
470
00:16:06,033 --> 00:16:08,494
[chuckles] OK, but I'm playing under protest.
471
00:16:08,577 --> 00:16:11,663
Like, I don't care how you play, just as long as you play.
472
00:16:14,833 --> 00:16:16,293
MAN (ON TV): What you're about to see
473
00:16:16,376 --> 00:16:20,964
is Dr. Curly making his first penetration into the skull.
474
00:16:25,636 --> 00:16:27,262
Good bye, Dr. Curly.
475
00:16:32,518 --> 00:16:36,355
That's more like it.
476
00:16:36,438 --> 00:16:38,690
No, you won it fair and square.
477
00:16:38,816 --> 00:16:39,983
I swear, I don't--
478
00:16:40,067 --> 00:16:41,527
I don't know how it got so out of hand.
479
00:16:41,610 --> 00:16:43,237
It seemed like a few minutes ago, we were playing for $2.
480
00:16:43,362 --> 00:16:47,282
Yeah, but you won 10 games straight and I owe you $300.
481
00:16:47,366 --> 00:16:49,368
Look, Blackie, let's just forget it and call it even.
482
00:16:49,451 --> 00:16:51,370
No, no, no, a debt is a debt.
483
00:16:51,453 --> 00:16:55,124
I owe you $300.
484
00:16:55,207 --> 00:16:58,710
[knock on door]
485
00:17:04,716 --> 00:17:05,676
Oh, hi, Laura.
486
00:17:05,801 --> 00:17:06,677
Hi, Buddy.
487
00:17:06,802 --> 00:17:07,678
I figured you might come by.
488
00:17:07,761 --> 00:17:08,595
You did?
489
00:17:08,679 --> 00:17:09,513
Come on in.
490
00:17:09,596 --> 00:17:10,931
I didn't.
491
00:17:11,014 --> 00:17:12,766
Blackie, I can't take $300 from you.
492
00:17:12,850 --> 00:17:14,059
You're my friend's brother.
493
00:17:14,184 --> 00:17:16,645
Well, I would take it from you if I won.
494
00:17:16,729 --> 00:17:17,938
Look, let's just forget it.
495
00:17:18,021 --> 00:17:19,231
You don't believe that I'd take it, do you?
496
00:17:19,356 --> 00:17:20,482
No, I don't.
497
00:17:20,566 --> 00:17:23,026
Well, I would and I'll show you how I can prove it.
498
00:17:23,110 --> 00:17:25,863
Sit down.
499
00:17:25,988 --> 00:17:28,699
Buddy, is something wrong?
500
00:17:28,782 --> 00:17:31,076
Laura, I-- I got a big fat guilty conscience.
501
00:17:31,201 --> 00:17:32,786
I thought maybe you could talk me out of it.
502
00:17:32,870 --> 00:17:34,121
Blackie, it's ridiculous.
503
00:17:34,204 --> 00:17:37,082
What, suppose you lose, you'll owe me $900?
504
00:17:37,207 --> 00:17:40,711
Yes, but if I win, you'll owe me $300, and I'd take it.
505
00:17:40,794 --> 00:17:42,546
You're not afraid of me, are you?
506
00:17:42,629 --> 00:17:44,006
Well, no, I'm not afraid.
507
00:17:44,089 --> 00:17:46,341
You're gonna give me a chance to get even, aren't you?
508
00:17:46,425 --> 00:17:47,676
Well, yeah, OK.
509
00:17:47,760 --> 00:17:49,011
Then it's a bet.
510
00:17:49,094 --> 00:17:50,679
Buddy, you're not making much sense.
511
00:17:50,763 --> 00:17:52,347
I mean, I still don't understand what you
512
00:17:52,431 --> 00:17:54,141
have a guilty conscience about.
513
00:17:54,224 --> 00:17:56,935
Well, this afternoon, my black sheep brother came to visit me
514
00:17:57,019 --> 00:17:58,896
and I practically kicked him out of the office.
515
00:17:59,021 --> 00:18:02,024
What do you mean black sheep brother?
516
00:18:02,149 --> 00:18:03,358
$600, hey?
517
00:18:03,484 --> 00:18:04,359
That's right, Rob.
518
00:18:04,485 --> 00:18:06,153
(SIGHS) Well--
519
00:18:11,700 --> 00:18:12,534
Very good.
520
00:18:12,659 --> 00:18:13,786
Oh.
521
00:18:19,374 --> 00:18:20,626
Oh.
522
00:18:20,709 --> 00:18:22,211
OK, your shot, Blackie.
523
00:18:33,806 --> 00:18:35,641
Eh, [clears throat] what-- what are you--
524
00:18:35,724 --> 00:18:37,184
what are you doing there?
525
00:18:37,267 --> 00:18:38,519
Drying my palms.
526
00:18:38,602 --> 00:18:40,687
Well, I mean, where, ah-- where did you get that towel?
527
00:18:40,813 --> 00:18:43,690
Well, I always carry a little with me
528
00:18:43,816 --> 00:18:45,567
for an occasion like this.
529
00:18:45,692 --> 00:18:48,487
Ah, you're a-- you, ah-- yeah.
530
00:18:48,570 --> 00:18:51,031
Yeah.
531
00:18:51,115 --> 00:18:53,242
We-- we shook on the-- on the bet.
532
00:18:53,367 --> 00:18:54,243
Yeah.
533
00:18:57,830 --> 00:19:01,125
I-- I don't suppose you'd care to forget?
534
00:19:01,208 --> 00:19:03,210
No.
535
00:19:03,293 --> 00:19:05,462
I believe it's my turn, Mr. Petrie.
536
00:19:09,633 --> 00:19:12,970
[humming]
537
00:19:22,896 --> 00:19:23,731
All right.
538
00:19:23,856 --> 00:19:27,401
[continues humming]
539
00:19:35,117 --> 00:19:37,536
It's awfully embarrassing, but I--
540
00:19:37,661 --> 00:19:39,788
well, he's an old pool hustler.
541
00:19:39,872 --> 00:19:41,665
Your brother's a pool hustler?
542
00:19:41,749 --> 00:19:45,210
[continues humming]
543
00:19:48,922 --> 00:19:51,216
How could I have been so stupid!
544
00:19:55,053 --> 00:19:58,557
BLACKIE SORRELL: This won't take long, Mr. Petrie.
545
00:19:58,682 --> 00:20:01,226
Come on, let's go get them before Rob loses the house.
546
00:20:01,351 --> 00:20:03,729
Well, they're not playing for money.
547
00:20:03,812 --> 00:20:06,732
I believe this should do it, Mr. Petrie.
548
00:20:06,857 --> 00:20:08,525
Rob.
549
00:20:08,609 --> 00:20:09,651
Rob, he's a hustler.
550
00:20:09,735 --> 00:20:10,903
- So I know, I know. - Hi, Buddy.
551
00:20:11,028 --> 00:20:12,446
- Look, Blackie, now-- - Please, please.
552
00:20:18,118 --> 00:20:21,205
That'll be $300, please.
553
00:20:21,330 --> 00:20:23,165
$300?
554
00:20:23,248 --> 00:20:24,917
All day long, I've been feeling guilty about you.
555
00:20:25,042 --> 00:20:26,418
Now Blackie, why don't you just get out of here?
556
00:20:26,543 --> 00:20:29,421
I'd be glad to, just as soon as I collect my $300.
557
00:20:29,546 --> 00:20:31,548
Are you in a habit of welshing on your debts?
558
00:20:31,632 --> 00:20:34,468
Now he never welshed on anything in his life.
559
00:20:34,551 --> 00:20:36,678
Honey, I know what to say.
560
00:20:36,762 --> 00:20:40,224
I never welsh on anything in my life.
561
00:20:40,307 --> 00:20:42,267
Now if you'd just come over here, I'll write you a check.
562
00:20:42,393 --> 00:20:44,895
Rob, you are not gonna write him a check.
563
00:20:44,978 --> 00:20:46,063
Oh, yes, I am.
564
00:20:46,188 --> 00:20:47,398
But [inaudible] he's a--
565
00:20:47,481 --> 00:20:49,274
I know what he is, but I'm not a welsher.
566
00:20:49,400 --> 00:20:51,068
Rob, will you put that checkbook away?
567
00:20:51,193 --> 00:20:52,569
I'll give him the $300 bucks, anything,
568
00:20:52,653 --> 00:20:53,821
just to get rid of him.
569
00:20:53,904 --> 00:20:55,114
I don't want your money, I want his money.
570
00:20:55,239 --> 00:20:56,407
Well, I deserve it, Buddy.
571
00:20:56,532 --> 00:20:57,533
BUDDY SORRELL: But, Rob.
572
00:20:57,616 --> 00:20:58,951
Listen, I deserve it for being so stupid.
573
00:20:59,076 --> 00:21:00,411
No, I'm-- I'm enjoying this.
574
00:21:00,494 --> 00:21:02,788
I'm enjoying learning a little lesson for a change.
575
00:21:02,871 --> 00:21:04,206
Boy, $300 worth of soda crackers--
576
00:21:04,289 --> 00:21:05,499
Boy, and I went for all that jazz
577
00:21:05,582 --> 00:21:06,959
this afternoon about you becoming legitimate.
578
00:21:07,042 --> 00:21:08,502
It's too bad I couldn't convince you.
579
00:21:08,585 --> 00:21:09,753
Here's your check.
580
00:21:09,878 --> 00:21:10,379
Wait a minute, Blackie, you're not gonna--
581
00:21:10,504 --> 00:21:11,463
Please.
582
00:21:11,547 --> 00:21:12,798
Rob, of all the money I've ever hustled,
583
00:21:12,881 --> 00:21:13,841
this is the most important.
584
00:21:13,924 --> 00:21:15,050
Well, I'm very flattered.
585
00:21:15,175 --> 00:21:16,552
Buddy, I couldn't convince you that I
586
00:21:16,635 --> 00:21:17,803
was legitimate this afternoon.
587
00:21:17,886 --> 00:21:18,720
Oh, you sure couldn't.
588
00:21:18,846 --> 00:21:19,888
I know.
589
00:21:20,013 --> 00:21:20,931
I could have talked all afternoon
590
00:21:21,056 --> 00:21:22,224
and never have convinced you.
591
00:21:22,349 --> 00:21:23,934
I knew that I had to do something that you'd
592
00:21:24,059 --> 00:21:25,686
never expect of me, something that you'd
593
00:21:25,769 --> 00:21:27,396
never seen me do before.
594
00:21:27,479 --> 00:21:28,522
Like what?
595
00:21:28,605 --> 00:21:31,358
Like this.
596
00:21:31,442 --> 00:21:33,402
Rob, for you.
597
00:21:33,527 --> 00:21:34,778
BUDDY SORRELL: Well, I don't get it.
598
00:21:34,903 --> 00:21:36,071
Hey, is this on the level?
599
00:21:36,196 --> 00:21:37,156
Ah, it's another one of his hockey bits.
600
00:21:37,239 --> 00:21:38,323
No, this is on the level.
601
00:21:38,407 --> 00:21:40,409
I'm a legitimate real estate agent.
602
00:21:40,492 --> 00:21:41,535
Oh, sure.
603
00:21:41,618 --> 00:21:44,329
Won't you ever believe me?
604
00:21:44,413 --> 00:21:45,456
All right.
605
00:21:45,581 --> 00:21:47,624
Tell me, what finally made you go straight?
606
00:21:47,750 --> 00:21:49,126
The love of a good woman.
607
00:21:49,251 --> 00:21:51,378
(SIGHS)
608
00:21:51,503 --> 00:21:52,129
Buddy.
609
00:21:52,212 --> 00:21:53,380
Buddy, this is true.
610
00:21:53,464 --> 00:21:54,757
I met her in Rio.
611
00:21:54,840 --> 00:21:56,759
What, you want some violins and guitars in back of the jet?
612
00:21:56,884 --> 00:21:58,135
Look--look, I'm not clowning.
613
00:21:58,218 --> 00:21:59,595
She knew the way I earned a buck.
614
00:21:59,720 --> 00:22:01,180
She knew the whole bit.
615
00:22:01,263 --> 00:22:02,848
We got along pretty good.
616
00:22:02,931 --> 00:22:05,559
She said to me, Blackie, you have a choice.
617
00:22:05,684 --> 00:22:08,062
Either you can go on hustling as you have been,
618
00:22:08,145 --> 00:22:09,605
shaming your family and your friends
619
00:22:09,730 --> 00:22:13,400
or you can marry me and share a wonderful life and my $2.5
620
00:22:13,525 --> 00:22:14,693
million inheritance.
621
00:22:19,031 --> 00:22:20,991
You're kidding.
622
00:22:21,075 --> 00:22:24,078
Here's a picture of the 2 and 1/2 million.
623
00:22:24,161 --> 00:22:25,412
She got 2 and 1/2 million?
624
00:22:25,537 --> 00:22:26,622
That's right.
625
00:22:26,747 --> 00:22:27,581
And you married her?
626
00:22:27,706 --> 00:22:29,541
[chuckles] It's my wife.
627
00:22:29,625 --> 00:22:31,960
You know, she could be a lot uglier for 2 and 1/2 million.
628
00:22:32,086 --> 00:22:35,589
[laughs] And you know what else, Buddy?
629
00:22:35,672 --> 00:22:37,758
I'm gonna pay back every cent I ever took from you.
630
00:22:37,883 --> 00:22:38,842
Look, forget the money.
631
00:22:38,926 --> 00:22:40,094
You want to make me happy?
632
00:22:40,219 --> 00:22:42,930
Make me an uncle.
633
00:22:43,055 --> 00:22:45,015
[inaudible] Look, it's a real thrill.
634
00:22:45,099 --> 00:22:46,809
The first time I've shaken hands with this guy
635
00:22:46,892 --> 00:22:48,060
since he was confirmed.
636
00:22:48,143 --> 00:22:50,771
ROB PETRIE: [laughs] How does it feel?
637
00:22:50,896 --> 00:22:52,064
Hey, wonderful.
638
00:22:52,189 --> 00:22:53,816
I think we ought to make it a habit, huh?
639
00:22:53,899 --> 00:22:55,943
Laura, thank you for the feeding.
640
00:22:56,068 --> 00:22:59,196
Oh, well, uh, thank you for the tearing.
641
00:22:59,279 --> 00:23:00,656
Buddy, what do you say, drive me home?
642
00:23:00,739 --> 00:23:01,990
Sure.
643
00:23:02,074 --> 00:23:03,242
Hey, thanks for taking care of me rich brother.
644
00:23:03,367 --> 00:23:04,660
Don't mention it. I'll see you out.
645
00:23:04,743 --> 00:23:05,744
No, it's all right.
646
00:23:05,828 --> 00:23:06,745
I know the way by now.
647
00:23:06,870 --> 00:23:07,704
Goodnight.
648
00:23:07,788 --> 00:23:08,580
Goodnight.
649
00:23:08,705 --> 00:23:09,581
Really?
650
00:23:09,706 --> 00:23:10,916
2 and 1/2 million, you sure?
651
00:23:11,041 --> 00:23:15,921
BLACKIE SORRELL: Give or take a few 100,000.
652
00:23:16,004 --> 00:23:17,965
That, ah-- that Blackie sure is a lucky guy.
653
00:23:18,090 --> 00:23:18,924
[chuckles]
654
00:23:19,007 --> 00:23:20,426
How do you figure that?
655
00:23:20,551 --> 00:23:23,762
Well, he's going back to Brazil and to a wife for $2.5
656
00:23:23,887 --> 00:23:25,931
and she's not gonna get all over him
657
00:23:26,014 --> 00:23:27,516
for losing $300 shooting pool.
658
00:23:27,599 --> 00:23:29,101
Is that what you think I'm gonna do to you?
659
00:23:29,226 --> 00:23:30,394
- Oh, yeah. - You're right.
660
00:23:30,477 --> 00:23:32,354
Rob, how could you have been so foolish?
661
00:23:32,438 --> 00:23:33,272
Come on, honey.
662
00:23:33,397 --> 00:23:34,481
Stop that.
663
00:23:34,565 --> 00:23:36,066
We were almost taken in by what could have turned
664
00:23:36,150 --> 00:23:37,151
out to be a real hustler.
665
00:23:37,234 --> 00:23:38,193
Hey, you wanna play some pool?
666
00:23:38,277 --> 00:23:41,155
[interposing voices]
667
00:23:46,201 --> 00:23:47,703
Oh, boy, is that some confirmation?
668
00:23:47,786 --> 00:23:50,539
[chuckles] Your shot, honey.
669
00:23:50,622 --> 00:23:52,583
Oh, my gosh, the "Maltese Falcon."
670
00:23:52,666 --> 00:23:53,667
The what?
671
00:23:53,751 --> 00:23:55,419
The "Maltese Falcon," it's on television.
672
00:23:55,502 --> 00:23:57,421
Honey, you've seen that movie at least a dozen times.
673
00:23:57,546 --> 00:23:59,423
I know, darling, but it has Humphrey Bogart
674
00:23:59,506 --> 00:24:01,091
and I'm always surprised at the ending.
675
00:24:01,216 --> 00:24:03,343
Well, at least finish the pool game with me, will you?
676
00:24:03,427 --> 00:24:04,928
You'll make me play another one, Rob.
677
00:24:05,012 --> 00:24:05,971
I know it.
678
00:24:06,096 --> 00:24:06,764
I promise, just finish this one.
679
00:24:06,847 --> 00:24:07,765
Just this one?
680
00:24:07,848 --> 00:24:08,849
My word.
681
00:24:08,932 --> 00:24:10,392
I wanna see you get out of this.
682
00:24:10,476 --> 00:24:11,435
All right.
683
00:24:20,944 --> 00:24:31,330
I, um-- I believe that finishes the game, Mr. Petrie.
684
00:24:37,377 --> 00:24:40,798
Wait until my mother finds out I married a pool shark.
685
00:24:45,636 --> 00:24:49,139
[theme song]48128
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