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[music playing]
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NARRATOR: The Dick Van Dyke Show.
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Starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry
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Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.
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Hi, darling.
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I'm sorry I'm late, but the place was jammed.
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Millie and I had to park three blocks away from the campus.
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Honey, I found an anteater.
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Really?
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I didn't know we needed one.
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No, Ritchie needs one.
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I'm helping him with a project in school.
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He has to cut pictures out and paste
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them in a scrapbook of all different kinds of animals.
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We're, we're only to the As and Bs now.
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Here's the list.
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Yeah, I know the project, dear,
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but you shouldn't be doing it for him.
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Forget about that, honey.
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Did you us sign up for the night school?
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Well, not us.
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What do you mean?
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You didn't sign us up for the Spanish course?
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No, well, by the time Millie and I got there,
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the Spanish class was all filled,
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so, well, Millie and I signed up for creative writing.
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The Spanish class was full so you
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signed up for creative writing?
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The only thing left open was animal husbandry.
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Animal husbandry.
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Well, I'm too satisfied with you to--
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Oh, thank you.
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Anyway, I couldn't sign you up for creative writing.
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You're already a creative writer.
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Creative writing.
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Doggone it.
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I was really looking forward to going to that Spanish course.
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I'm sorry, darling, but I promise next semester I'll
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go down early and enroll us.
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Well, listen, why the sudden interest in writing with you?
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You don't even like to write letters.
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Oh, I don't know. This is different.
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Creative. Anyway, it sounded like fun.
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Yeah, writing is always fun to talk about.
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Oh, Millie and I talked to the teacher before class.
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He seemed so nice, Rob.
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I think we're really going to like it.
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And Mr. Caldwell said I showed promise.
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- Caldwell? - Yeah, the teacher.
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How did he know you showed any promise?
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It was just enrollment tonight, wasn't it?
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Yeah, it was.
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But he had us fill out these little cards on why we enrolled
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in creative writing, and he took me aside to tell me
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he especially liked mine.
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Oh, what did you write?
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That the Spanish class was full.
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And from that he could tell you were good?
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Well, I don't know.
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I guess it was the way I phrased it.
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Anyway, he seemed really quite impressed with me.
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Oh.
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What, uh, what else did you have to put on your enrollment card?
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Well, just name and occupation.
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Your name, your occupation.
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Uh-huh.
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What uh-huh?
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Oh, n-nothing.
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Rob, that nothing was something.
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Huh?
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You never say nothing unless you mean something.
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Well, no, it was just about a nothing nothing, that's all.
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Nothing, honey.
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I'm glad that Mr. Caldwell thinks
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you show exceptional talent.
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I hope you get a big kick out of the class.
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All right, if that's what you feel then,
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I'm not going to take the class.
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Hey, honey, you're wrinkling this anteater all up.
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Hard to find.
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Rob, will you tell me what's bothering you about this class?
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I know it's something.
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Honey, just-- it's nothing.
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That nothing sounded like something, didn't it?
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Look, honey, I don't want to hurt your feelings,
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but I think that there's a pretty sneaky reason
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for Mr. Caldwell to be flattering you like that.
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What reason?
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To get to me.
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What do you mean my teacher wants to get to you?
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He doesn't even know you.
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Well, of course, he doesn't know me, honey.
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What's for dinner?
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Nothing, until you tell me why you think my teacher's
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flattering me to get to you.
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Because he is.
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You know Mr. Caldwell?
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Honey, it's not the point.
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I don't have to know him.
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He knows me.
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How?
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You told him everything he had to know
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on that little enrollment card.
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And what was that?
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He knows that I am a writer for a successful television
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show.
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So?
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So Mrs. Rosenkrantz.
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Mrs. Rosenkrantz?
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Yeah.
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Ritchie's nursery teacher, Mrs. Rosenkrantz.
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You remember she always gave him extra clay
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and we couldn't figure out why, until I
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ended up writing a salute to Mother Goose for her.
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Can't you forget that?
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I cannot forget a nursery school teacher coming out to me
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after a show and saying, Mr. Petrie, are you
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really a professional writer?
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I could have-- [mumbling] From then,
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on I haven't trusted anybody who's
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overly nice to you and Rich.
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So now you think that all people are--
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Not all people, honey.
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Just people who are planning things.
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First they start out being nice to you,
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and then all of a sudden they ask me if I'll give a lecture
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or write a play or collaborate on something.
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All right, name one person whoever did that.
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I bet you can't name one.
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The chairman of the parents council,
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Mrs. Something-or-other.
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And the vise president of the bank, honey,
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kept giving you extra pens, and he finally
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asked me to write him an act.
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And who, who was it from the--
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See, you can't name any of them.
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You can just rest assured that Mr. Caldwell sooner or later is
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going to ask you to ask me to read a sketch he's written,
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to collaborate on a play, to do something.
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Well, of all the conceit!
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Well, that's not conceit.
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All right, what is it then?
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Jealousy?
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Jealousy?
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Are you jealous of my writing?
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Of your wri-- all you've written so far as three lines
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on, on an enrollment card.
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And the Bill of Rights was written on an envelope.
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That was the Gettysburg Address.
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Oh, you know nothing.
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Honey, I'm sorry.
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Look, I-- maybe I was wrong, huh?
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Let's just skip over it for now.
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Will you forgive me?
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If you promise to stop being so suspicious
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and thinking that everyone's out to take advantage of you.
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I promise, honey.
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Bob Patterson.
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That was the vice president of bank.
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And it was Mrs. Willington, the--
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Hahaha.
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But you can use this.
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There's a buffalo on the nickel.
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Oh, boy!
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Gee, you're smart!
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Thank you.
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Now, you go finish your scrapbook
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and let me finish my homework, huh?
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OK. [doorbell]
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- Get that, will you, darling? - OK.
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Hi, Ritchie.
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Hi, Aunt Millie.
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You ready to go to class?
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Yeah, Rob will be here in a minute.
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I just have to finish typing this.
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Jerry typed mine.
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The idiot, he typed the whole thing with one hand.
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How come?
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He was holding his nose with the other one.
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I didn't even show mine to Rob because he's so touchy about my
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taking this class anyway.
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Husbands.
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Yours thinks the teacher is smart and trying
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to get a favor out of him, and mine
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thinks the teacher's a dope for letting me in the class.
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Do you think Mr. Caldwell's encouraging me just to get
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Rob to go down and lecture?
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Oh, no, of course not.
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- Mommy! - Yes, dear?
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The nickel won't glue in my scrapbook.
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It just keeps sliding around.
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Oh, well, put the nickel down, dear, and go
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wash the glue out of your hands.
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OK.
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OK.
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You think if we become famous writers
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we can stop being mothers?
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Ha!
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Boy, would I like to get real rich
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and have governesses or even governors.
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Hey, I made a joke.
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Maybe I can put that in my essay.
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What did you write about?
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An elevator.
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What did you write about?
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I wrote about our backyard and the big tree.
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An elevator?
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Millie, we were supposed to write a descriptive
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essay about a pleasant place.
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Well, I think an elevator is a pleasant place.
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I like to stand there on a nice, soft rug
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and listen to the music and go up and down.
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That's what your essay's about?
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That is my essay.
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Well, length doesn't really matter.
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Hey, you know, you write very well, Laura.
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You're going to show Rob.
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And I want to show that Jerry.
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You know, maybe I'm a little hard on Jerry.
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After all, he said I could be a writer because I look
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a little bit like Joyce Kilmer.
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Joyce Kilmer?
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Yeah, do you think so?
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Millie, Joyce Kilmer was a man.
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I'll kill him.
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I'll kill him.
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But Mommy said--
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Mommy said, Mommy said.
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This is Daddy saying go to bed.
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But I'm hungry.
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If you're hungry, have a banana.
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Now, where is she?
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Why doesn't she come home and raise her kid?
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Hi, darling.
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That's more like it.
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Huh?
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Nothing.
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I'm looking for a walrus.
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Oh, Rob.
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Are you doing that for Ritchie again?
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Well, I promised him I would.
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Besides, that's the only way I could get him to go to bed.
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Boy, there sure haven't been a lot of walruses in the news
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lately, I'll say that.
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What happened to the good old days
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when the walruses used to make all the headlines?
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Pretty funny.
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Well, aren't you going to ask me how it went in class tonight?
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Oh, yeah.
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How'd it go?
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Mr. Caldwell said that my essay
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was the best in the class.
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He said it was vivid, had a strong narrative sense,
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and he gave me an A plus.
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And I'll bet he said, your husband
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should be very proud of you.
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Rob, don't start that.
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You're insinuating that Mr. Caldwell is just
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flattering me to butter you up.
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Well, now, I'll tell you something.
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He said that with hard work and a little time,
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I might someday write well enough to sell something.
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That's very nice.
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And you don't believe it's possible.
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I'm sure of it.
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Really?
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Oh, that he said it, not that it would sell.
268
00:08:52,957 --> 00:08:53,791
Oh, I have a--
269
00:08:53,891 --> 00:08:55,793
Ah, honey, I apologize.
270
00:08:55,893 --> 00:08:57,395
I'm sorry.
271
00:08:57,495 --> 00:09:00,264
I am tired of arguing and I'm tired of looking for walruses.
272
00:09:00,365 --> 00:09:02,100
I'm tired of this whole evening.
273
00:09:02,200 --> 00:09:04,235
Now let's just go to bed and--
274
00:09:04,335 --> 00:09:05,703
Well, the whole evening wasn't a loss.
275
00:09:05,803 --> 00:09:06,704
I found a nickel.
276
00:09:12,477 --> 00:09:16,247
Who, uh, who glued a nickel to our counter anyway?
277
00:09:16,347 --> 00:09:16,981
Ow!
278
00:09:17,081 --> 00:09:18,383
Doggone it!
279
00:09:18,483 --> 00:09:20,018
Whose idea of a joke is that? Look at that nail.
280
00:09:20,118 --> 00:09:21,152
RITCHIE: Daddy!
281
00:09:21,252 --> 00:09:22,153
Ritchie, what are you doing up?
282
00:09:22,253 --> 00:09:23,187
I heard yelling.
283
00:09:23,287 --> 00:09:24,655
I thought Daddy found a walrus.
284
00:09:24,756 --> 00:09:26,891
Uh, no, not, not yet, Rich.
285
00:09:26,991 --> 00:09:27,825
But go to bed.
286
00:09:27,925 --> 00:09:28,860
I want some water.
287
00:09:28,960 --> 00:09:31,696
Uh, get in the kitchen then.
288
00:09:31,796 --> 00:09:34,332
Boy, I don't see why you're in such a terrible mood.
289
00:09:34,432 --> 00:09:36,067
I'm-- honey, I'm not in a terrible mood.
290
00:09:36,167 --> 00:09:37,835
I'm in a regular mood, I'm just so mad it
291
00:09:37,935 --> 00:09:40,038
seems terrible, that's all.
292
00:09:40,138 --> 00:09:42,140
I, I hate to see you being made a fool of.
293
00:09:42,240 --> 00:09:44,175
Rob, if anybody's being made a fool of,
294
00:09:44,275 --> 00:09:46,144
it's you making one of you.
295
00:09:46,244 --> 00:09:48,012
Some husbands would be proud of their wives.
296
00:09:48,112 --> 00:09:50,048
They'd enco-- hi, Rich.
297
00:09:50,148 --> 00:09:51,916
See you in the morning, son.
298
00:09:52,016 --> 00:09:52,984
Good night, dear.
299
00:09:53,084 --> 00:09:53,918
I'm not tired.
300
00:09:54,018 --> 00:09:55,420
Yes, you are.
301
00:09:55,520 --> 00:09:57,789
Should I shut the door so I don't hear the fight?
302
00:09:57,889 --> 00:09:58,756
There's no fight, Rich.
303
00:09:58,856 --> 00:09:59,657
Go to bed.
304
00:09:59,757 --> 00:10:01,092
And shut the door.
305
00:10:03,494 --> 00:10:05,063
Now look at us, arguing in front of Rich.
306
00:10:05,163 --> 00:10:07,198
Well, it's certainly not my fault, Rob.
307
00:10:07,298 --> 00:10:09,233
I came in here happy and excited,
308
00:10:09,333 --> 00:10:11,235
and you started to criticize without even
309
00:10:11,335 --> 00:10:13,204
reading what I wrote.
310
00:10:13,304 --> 00:10:14,405
Oh, honey, I'm--
311
00:10:14,505 --> 00:10:15,840
I was probably a little hasty about it.
312
00:10:15,940 --> 00:10:17,074
I'm sorry.
313
00:10:17,175 --> 00:10:18,810
It just-- it's been one of those days.
314
00:10:18,910 --> 00:10:19,811
May I?
315
00:10:34,559 --> 00:10:38,129
It's not supposed to be funny.
316
00:10:38,229 --> 00:10:41,065
But of course you want it to be bad, don't you?
317
00:10:41,165 --> 00:10:42,967
I don't want to be bad, honey.
318
00:10:43,067 --> 00:10:44,001
Don't you?
319
00:10:44,101 --> 00:10:45,369
It's happened plenty of times.
320
00:10:45,470 --> 00:10:46,804
What's happened plenty of times?
321
00:10:46,904 --> 00:10:48,072
Family jealousy.
322
00:10:48,172 --> 00:10:49,907
Johann Strauss Senior practically
323
00:10:50,007 --> 00:10:54,111
disowned his son for writing better waltzes than he did.
324
00:10:54,212 --> 00:10:56,047
Maybe that's what this needs.
325
00:10:56,147 --> 00:10:57,915
Da-da-da-da-dadum-dadum.
326
00:11:01,419 --> 00:11:04,322
Well, you just can't possibly be objective about this.
327
00:11:04,422 --> 00:11:06,124
Well, look Mr. Caldwell certainly
328
00:11:06,224 --> 00:11:07,558
isn't being objective.
329
00:11:07,658 --> 00:11:11,996
Well, I know he isn't flattering me to get to you.
330
00:11:12,096 --> 00:11:14,599
You wouldn't let Buddy and Sally read this, would you?
331
00:11:14,699 --> 00:11:16,234
Do you want Buddy and Sally's opinion?
332
00:11:16,334 --> 00:11:17,401
I would love it.
333
00:11:17,502 --> 00:11:19,070
They are honest, intelligent people.
334
00:11:19,170 --> 00:11:20,605
They haven't got any axes to grind.
335
00:11:20,705 --> 00:11:22,240
At least they'd be objective about it.
336
00:11:22,340 --> 00:11:24,108
I would welcome their opinion.
337
00:11:24,208 --> 00:11:25,576
Well, all right.
338
00:11:25,676 --> 00:11:26,944
But I'll tell you, they're professional writers just
339
00:11:27,044 --> 00:11:27,945
like me and they're going to admit
340
00:11:28,045 --> 00:11:29,080
that this is not very good.
341
00:11:29,180 --> 00:11:30,314
What do they know?
342
00:11:36,921 --> 00:11:40,491
"And so it grows, our old tree, sending its roots
343
00:11:40,591 --> 00:11:43,427
deep into Mother Earth's warm bosom from moisture,
344
00:11:43,528 --> 00:11:46,364
and its branches up, up, up to the sky
345
00:11:46,464 --> 00:11:49,267
for life-giving sunshine.
346
00:11:49,367 --> 00:11:56,140
To you and me it looks still, but a tree never rests."
347
00:11:56,240 --> 00:11:57,275
Well?
348
00:11:57,375 --> 00:11:58,576
How old is Laura?
349
00:12:01,345 --> 00:12:02,647
What's that got to do with it?
350
00:12:02,747 --> 00:12:05,516
Well, if she was 12 or 13, that'd be pretty good.
351
00:12:05,616 --> 00:12:07,218
In other words, I'm right.
352
00:12:07,318 --> 00:12:11,422
There was more laughs in my bar mitzvah speech.
353
00:12:11,522 --> 00:12:13,090
This isn't exactly supposed to be funny.
354
00:12:13,190 --> 00:12:16,427
Well, neither was my bar mitzvah speech.
355
00:12:16,527 --> 00:12:17,828
What do you think, Sal?
356
00:12:17,929 --> 00:12:19,931
Well, there's something wrong with the beginning.
357
00:12:20,031 --> 00:12:20,932
What?
358
00:12:21,032 --> 00:12:22,400
It leads to the rest of it.
359
00:12:24,669 --> 00:12:26,370
Well, what am I going to do with this thing?
360
00:12:26,470 --> 00:12:27,438
Well, if you fold it right, you
361
00:12:27,538 --> 00:12:30,074
can make it into an aeroplane.
362
00:12:30,174 --> 00:12:33,811
So you both agree with me, Laura's no Elizabeth Browning?
363
00:12:33,911 --> 00:12:35,046
Yeah.
364
00:12:35,146 --> 00:12:36,347
OK, now that that's all settled, what
365
00:12:36,447 --> 00:12:37,848
do you say we go home, huh? - Yeah, sure.
366
00:12:37,949 --> 00:12:39,116
- What? - Wait a minute.
367
00:12:39,216 --> 00:12:40,251
I wanted to talk to you guys about this.
368
00:12:40,351 --> 00:12:41,252
Oh, come on, Rob, it's 9 o'clock.
369
00:12:41,352 --> 00:12:42,320
We've been working all day.
370
00:12:42,420 --> 00:12:44,488
My wife's home waiting for me.
371
00:12:44,589 --> 00:12:45,723
What am I hurrying for?
372
00:12:48,159 --> 00:12:51,529
Look, you're the only two I can possibly discuss this with.
373
00:12:51,629 --> 00:12:54,065
Ever since Laura started night class, we don't talk anymore.
374
00:12:54,165 --> 00:12:55,399
All we do is argue.
375
00:12:55,499 --> 00:12:57,001
Do you mean to tell me that this teacher tells
376
00:12:57,101 --> 00:12:58,836
her everything she writes is great?
377
00:12:58,936 --> 00:13:00,338
I mean, even that?
378
00:13:00,438 --> 00:13:02,740
She got an A plus on that.
379
00:13:02,840 --> 00:13:03,674
Holy cowboy.
380
00:13:03,774 --> 00:13:04,875
Yeah.
381
00:13:04,976 --> 00:13:06,544
And the thing is, the further he builds her up,
382
00:13:06,644 --> 00:13:08,145
the more let down she's going to be when she finds out
383
00:13:08,245 --> 00:13:09,647
she just isn't an A plus student.
384
00:13:09,747 --> 00:13:11,349
Don't worry, Laura'll get over it.
385
00:13:11,449 --> 00:13:13,584
Besides, women writers never amount to anything anyway.
386
00:13:17,054 --> 00:13:20,024
What am I, a duck?
387
00:13:20,124 --> 00:13:24,028
Anything I say from now on can only get me in trouble.
388
00:13:24,128 --> 00:13:26,397
Thing is, I wish this teacher would just come right out
389
00:13:26,497 --> 00:13:28,766
and ask me whatever he wants instead of using Laura.
390
00:13:28,866 --> 00:13:31,335
I mean, telling her this stuff would sell.
391
00:13:31,435 --> 00:13:32,703
I got the same situation.
392
00:13:32,803 --> 00:13:34,572
Every time my wife goes-- goes up to Vermont,
393
00:13:34,672 --> 00:13:35,906
you know, to visit her Aunt Harriet,
394
00:13:36,007 --> 00:13:37,742
she keeps picking on her because she married me.
395
00:13:37,842 --> 00:13:39,310
She says I'm a no-talent little runt
396
00:13:39,410 --> 00:13:41,779
and I'll never amount to a bowl of borscht.
397
00:13:41,879 --> 00:13:43,614
Well, what-- what's that got to do with my problem?
398
00:13:43,714 --> 00:13:44,982
Nothing, but I got problems too,
399
00:13:45,082 --> 00:13:47,885
and if you've got problems, I've got problems.
400
00:13:47,985 --> 00:13:49,887
You want to talk about problems, huh?
401
00:13:49,987 --> 00:13:52,256
How about a gorgeous girl of 27 with a figure
402
00:13:52,356 --> 00:13:55,693
like this living with a cat.
403
00:13:55,793 --> 00:13:58,162
Don't do it.
404
00:13:58,262 --> 00:13:59,196
Hey, fellas?
405
00:13:59,296 --> 00:14:00,731
All right, all right.
406
00:14:00,831 --> 00:14:03,434
Rob, look, to get back to your problem, down deep inside,
407
00:14:03,534 --> 00:14:05,102
Laura must know she's not very good.
408
00:14:05,202 --> 00:14:07,772
Oh, yeah, down deep inside, but she'd never admit it to me.
409
00:14:07,872 --> 00:14:09,674
It's become too much of a thing between us.
410
00:14:09,774 --> 00:14:11,342
I'd love to help you, Rob, really I would,
411
00:14:11,442 --> 00:14:12,476
but I've got a heavy date.
412
00:14:12,576 --> 00:14:14,912
Yeah, and I've got a heavy wife.
413
00:14:15,012 --> 00:14:16,647
Hey, listen, why don't you use my motto?
414
00:14:16,747 --> 00:14:18,916
If you can't beat them, forget it.
415
00:14:19,016 --> 00:14:20,351
Huh?
416
00:14:20,451 --> 00:14:21,786
Just go down and tell this guy you'll do anything
417
00:14:21,886 --> 00:14:23,621
he wants, and that way he'll stop flattering Laura,
418
00:14:23,721 --> 00:14:25,423
and she'll know you were right all along.
419
00:14:25,523 --> 00:14:26,390
Oh, Buddy.
420
00:14:26,490 --> 00:14:27,925
Hold it, Fred.
421
00:14:28,025 --> 00:14:29,060
What?
422
00:14:29,160 --> 00:14:30,695
You know, that's not a bad idea.
423
00:14:30,795 --> 00:14:31,429
Yeah, it is.
424
00:14:31,529 --> 00:14:32,563
It's a good idea.
425
00:14:32,663 --> 00:14:33,798
Took a minute to sink in.
426
00:14:33,898 --> 00:14:35,032
That's a great idea.
427
00:14:35,132 --> 00:14:37,835
What's the big surprise?
428
00:14:37,935 --> 00:14:39,670
It's just that we never expect to hear anything good
429
00:14:39,770 --> 00:14:41,505
come out of you, that's all.
430
00:14:41,605 --> 00:14:43,107
Next time you get a great idea like that, why
431
00:14:43,207 --> 00:14:46,510
don't you put your hat on upside down so we know.
432
00:14:49,280 --> 00:14:50,214
Isn't that funny?
433
00:14:50,314 --> 00:14:51,615
I never thought of that before.
434
00:14:51,716 --> 00:14:53,117
I hate to go down and get involved with a teacher,
435
00:14:53,217 --> 00:14:54,351
but if it'll save Laura the pain,
436
00:14:54,452 --> 00:14:55,853
it's going to be worth it.
437
00:14:55,953 --> 00:14:57,421
I've still got time to meet her after class.
438
00:14:57,521 --> 00:14:59,457
I'll just go tell them that I'm his.
439
00:14:59,557 --> 00:15:04,662
"And as the bullet ripped through his guts,
440
00:15:04,762 --> 00:15:09,734
splattering blood all over the walls and ceiling,
441
00:15:09,834 --> 00:15:14,672
Johnny Moxie breathed his last rotten breath.
442
00:15:14,772 --> 00:15:18,442
Marion looked at the gaping hole in his ugly,
443
00:15:18,542 --> 00:15:33,057
drunken body and said, 'Johnny Moxie, you stink..'"
444
00:15:33,157 --> 00:15:37,228
Yes, well, uh, you, uh, you have a very vivid imagination,
445
00:15:37,328 --> 00:15:38,729
Miss Brinda.
446
00:15:38,829 --> 00:15:41,532
But I think novices, that is writers who are beginning,
447
00:15:41,632 --> 00:15:44,235
should write about things they are familiar with.
448
00:15:44,335 --> 00:15:46,837
I'm familiar with this.
449
00:15:46,937 --> 00:15:47,772
You are?
450
00:15:47,872 --> 00:15:48,706
Oh, yes.
451
00:15:48,806 --> 00:15:51,142
My grandfather was a strikebreaker.
452
00:15:51,242 --> 00:15:52,643
But that's horrible!
453
00:15:52,743 --> 00:15:53,577
Not so.
454
00:15:53,677 --> 00:15:55,045
None of us liked him.
455
00:15:57,481 --> 00:15:59,583
He was really a dirty old man.
456
00:16:02,553 --> 00:16:04,922
Mr. Caldwell, Mr. Caldwell.
457
00:16:05,022 --> 00:16:05,890
Uh, Mrs. Helper.
458
00:16:05,990 --> 00:16:07,825
Well, my paper shows what you mean.
459
00:16:07,925 --> 00:16:10,427
I wrote about a character I know real well.
460
00:16:10,528 --> 00:16:11,562
Fine.
461
00:16:11,662 --> 00:16:14,565
Why don't you read it to the class?
462
00:16:14,665 --> 00:16:15,966
Do I have to get up there and--
463
00:16:16,066 --> 00:16:18,135
Now, now, now, you can read from there.
464
00:16:18,235 --> 00:16:19,737
Thank you.
465
00:16:19,837 --> 00:16:24,141
My essay is entitled "Life With A Dentist Can Be Very Filling."
466
00:16:26,677 --> 00:16:28,445
It's kind of a play on words.
467
00:16:28,546 --> 00:16:30,948
Yes, I, I understand, Mrs. Helper.
468
00:16:31,048 --> 00:16:33,984
"At work, my husband is neat as a pin,
469
00:16:34,084 --> 00:16:39,657
but at home he is sloppy, no matter how much I needle him."
470
00:16:39,757 --> 00:16:42,459
That's another play on words.
471
00:16:42,560 --> 00:16:44,361
I know, I know.
472
00:16:44,462 --> 00:16:46,096
Is it good to do that?
473
00:16:46,197 --> 00:16:47,631
Uh, not too often, no.
474
00:16:50,201 --> 00:16:52,436
I'll watch it.
475
00:16:52,536 --> 00:16:54,839
"He's careful of his dentistry tools,
476
00:16:54,939 --> 00:16:57,575
but at home he leaves the gardening tools out
477
00:16:57,675 --> 00:17:00,678
to rust through rain and sleet and snow."
478
00:17:00,778 --> 00:17:04,148
Honestly, last year we bought a brand new lawn mower,
479
00:17:04,248 --> 00:17:05,683
and in six months it was ruined.
480
00:17:05,783 --> 00:17:07,151
He never oiled or anything.
481
00:17:07,251 --> 00:17:08,619
He left it outside all the time.
482
00:17:08,719 --> 00:17:10,788
Are you reading that?
483
00:17:10,888 --> 00:17:11,989
Oh.
484
00:17:12,089 --> 00:17:15,059
He's so sloppy.
485
00:17:15,159 --> 00:17:18,362
"And at work, my husband is as busy as a beaver
486
00:17:18,462 --> 00:17:19,897
and never takes a break.
487
00:17:19,997 --> 00:17:23,467
But when he comes home, boy, does he take a break."
488
00:17:23,567 --> 00:17:26,470
He lies on the sofa and he never moves.
489
00:17:26,570 --> 00:17:29,206
Last night I asked him to change one lightbulb
490
00:17:29,306 --> 00:17:30,608
and you should've heard.
491
00:17:30,708 --> 00:17:32,076
Laura will tell you.
492
00:17:32,176 --> 00:17:35,045
Getting that man to do anything is like pulling teeth.
493
00:17:35,145 --> 00:17:36,046
Oh, that's kind of cute.
494
00:17:36,146 --> 00:17:36,981
Pulling teeth.
495
00:17:37,081 --> 00:17:39,516
It's another play on wo-- oh, no.
496
00:17:39,617 --> 00:17:41,552
That'd be too much, wouldn't it?
497
00:17:41,652 --> 00:17:43,153
I'd better expunge that one.
498
00:17:43,254 --> 00:17:46,590
Mrs. Helper, why don't you get these anecdotes down on paper,
499
00:17:46,690 --> 00:17:48,192
and I'll read them later?
500
00:17:48,292 --> 00:17:50,461
At home.
501
00:17:50,561 --> 00:17:51,729
I'll have it for you tomorrow.
502
00:17:51,829 --> 00:17:53,697
Oh, there's no hurry, I assure you.
503
00:17:53,797 --> 00:17:54,598
MILLIE: Thank you.
504
00:17:54,698 --> 00:17:55,833
Farewell, class.
505
00:17:55,933 --> 00:17:57,334
I'm going to dismiss you early tonight,
506
00:17:57,434 --> 00:17:59,904
and I want you to go home and work on your next essay
507
00:18:00,004 --> 00:18:01,505
while it's still fresh in your mind.
508
00:18:01,605 --> 00:18:03,908
So class dismissed.
509
00:18:04,008 --> 00:18:05,442
Mrs. Helper, you know what would
510
00:18:05,542 --> 00:18:08,479
help that little essay about your husband and your home?
511
00:18:08,579 --> 00:18:09,547
What?
512
00:18:09,647 --> 00:18:11,982
If you get more violence in it.
513
00:18:12,082 --> 00:18:16,453
If your husband would murder one of his patients.
514
00:18:16,553 --> 00:18:18,422
Thank you.
515
00:18:18,522 --> 00:18:20,291
Well, uh, good night, all.
516
00:18:20,391 --> 00:18:22,426
Good night.
517
00:18:22,526 --> 00:18:24,728
You want to stop for an ice cream cone on the way home?
518
00:18:24,828 --> 00:18:26,030
Oh, I'd love to.
519
00:18:26,130 --> 00:18:27,798
I promised Jerry I'd come right home tonight.
520
00:18:27,898 --> 00:18:30,067
Oh, uh, Mrs. Petrie, could you wait a moment?
521
00:18:30,167 --> 00:18:31,068
LAURA: Oh, certainly.
522
00:18:31,168 --> 00:18:32,436
I'll see you later, teacher's pet.
523
00:18:32,536 --> 00:18:34,438
Bye.
524
00:18:34,538 --> 00:18:37,308
I, uh, hope I'm not keeping you from anything important.
525
00:18:37,408 --> 00:18:38,208
No, no.
526
00:18:38,309 --> 00:18:39,610
I have a few minutes.
527
00:18:39,710 --> 00:18:41,679
Well, in that case, why don't you sit down, Laura.
528
00:18:41,779 --> 00:18:43,547
Thank you.
529
00:18:43,647 --> 00:18:45,649
Now, as you may know, you are my best pupil,
530
00:18:45,749 --> 00:18:48,118
but I wanted to talk to you about the last paper
531
00:18:48,218 --> 00:18:49,119
you turned in.
532
00:18:49,219 --> 00:18:50,888
Oh, is there anything wrong with it?
533
00:18:50,988 --> 00:18:53,223
Well, as in all your work, it has some excellent moments,
534
00:18:53,324 --> 00:18:54,825
excellent.
535
00:18:54,925 --> 00:18:57,561
But this particular piece had one or two rather weak points.
536
00:18:57,661 --> 00:19:00,230
Now, possibly the, uh, the romantic
537
00:19:00,331 --> 00:19:02,700
angle that you gave it was too much for you to handle.
538
00:19:02,800 --> 00:19:06,170
It is rather, uh, passionate.
539
00:19:06,270 --> 00:19:06,971
Is that bad?
540
00:19:07,071 --> 00:19:08,339
Oh, no, no, no, not at all.
541
00:19:08,439 --> 00:19:09,773
Quite the contrary.
542
00:19:09,873 --> 00:19:12,142
But that is one of the reasons I didn't discuss it
543
00:19:12,242 --> 00:19:13,510
in front of the class.
544
00:19:13,610 --> 00:19:16,914
Some of our less mature members might be disposed to giggle.
545
00:19:17,014 --> 00:19:18,482
Oh.
546
00:19:18,582 --> 00:19:20,818
Now, you write about two lovers saying
547
00:19:20,918 --> 00:19:22,419
goodbye at a railway station.
548
00:19:22,519 --> 00:19:25,756
Why did you use the dialog form instead of the narrative?
549
00:19:25,856 --> 00:19:28,359
Well, I just wanted to try my hand at dialog.
550
00:19:28,459 --> 00:19:30,327
And you did very well, very well
551
00:19:30,427 --> 00:19:31,862
indeed for the woman's speeches.
552
00:19:31,962 --> 00:19:35,232
But, uh, the man's dialogue sounded like a cowboy saying
553
00:19:35,332 --> 00:19:37,568
goodbye to his horse.
554
00:19:37,668 --> 00:19:40,404
Well, I guess that's because I'm a woman.
555
00:19:40,504 --> 00:19:43,207
Yes, you are.
556
00:19:43,307 --> 00:19:46,944
But a writer must deal with all sorts of characters,
557
00:19:47,044 --> 00:19:51,882
young, old, male, female.
558
00:19:51,982 --> 00:19:53,283
Now, uh, where were we there?
559
00:19:53,384 --> 00:19:54,852
What about bringing that little bit where they were
560
00:19:54,952 --> 00:19:56,286
in the waiting room talking.
561
00:19:56,387 --> 00:19:58,155
Now, where is that? - Oh, that's here near the end.
562
00:19:58,255 --> 00:19:58,889
Yes.
563
00:19:58,989 --> 00:19:59,990
Now, well, read that.
564
00:20:00,090 --> 00:20:01,992
Read that.
565
00:20:02,092 --> 00:20:05,429
"Mildred looked into his eyes and said, 'I feel
566
00:20:05,529 --> 00:20:07,264
that I've always known you.'
567
00:20:07,364 --> 00:20:12,069
Bill held her closer and said, 'I feel the same, Mildred.'"
568
00:20:12,169 --> 00:20:14,772
Hmm.
569
00:20:14,872 --> 00:20:17,241
"I feel the same, Mildred."
570
00:20:17,341 --> 00:20:21,378
Yes, that says it, but in such an unromantic way.
571
00:20:21,478 --> 00:20:24,982
Surely if this man was so moved by this beautiful girl,
572
00:20:25,082 --> 00:20:27,851
he'd look deep into her eyes and say something like,
573
00:20:27,951 --> 00:20:30,821
since the moment I first met you I've been deeply disturbed,
574
00:20:30,921 --> 00:20:33,457
and today I discovered the reason why.
575
00:20:33,557 --> 00:20:35,893
I want you to be mine, and I hope
576
00:20:35,993 --> 00:20:37,861
you feel the same way, Laura.
577
00:20:37,961 --> 00:20:38,929
Uh, no, that's Mildred.
578
00:20:39,029 --> 00:20:40,664
Ah, Mildred, Suzy, Fred!
579
00:20:40,764 --> 00:20:43,233
What's in name?
580
00:20:43,333 --> 00:20:45,636
The important thing is understanding how
581
00:20:45,736 --> 00:20:47,704
the man feels about a woman.
582
00:20:47,805 --> 00:20:51,508
Do you understand how he feels?
583
00:20:51,608 --> 00:20:53,043
I think not.
584
00:20:53,143 --> 00:20:58,449
If you did, you, you couldn't write this.
585
00:20:58,549 --> 00:21:02,252
Or this.
586
00:21:02,352 --> 00:21:06,857
Or, uh, this.
587
00:21:06,957 --> 00:21:08,759
I, uh, think I'd better be going.
588
00:21:08,859 --> 00:21:10,461
Now, now, now, I won't let you go.
589
00:21:10,561 --> 00:21:11,628
You won't?
590
00:21:11,728 --> 00:21:12,896
Not until I'm sure you understand
591
00:21:12,996 --> 00:21:13,997
what's wrong with that dialog.
592
00:21:14,098 --> 00:21:15,399
It's very amateurish.
593
00:21:15,499 --> 00:21:17,301
Well, you see, it's, it's the first time that I've
594
00:21:17,401 --> 00:21:18,502
ever attempted anything--
595
00:21:18,602 --> 00:21:19,903
Please, you mustn't be offended.
596
00:21:20,003 --> 00:21:22,706
After all, I, I must criticize for you to learn.
597
00:21:22,806 --> 00:21:25,943
Of course you must.
598
00:21:26,043 --> 00:21:28,946
Some of the dialog really is a little icky.
599
00:21:29,046 --> 00:21:30,380
Where do you think it could be changed?
600
00:21:30,481 --> 00:21:33,851
Well, now why don't you read from here and just, uh,
601
00:21:33,951 --> 00:21:35,786
ad lib anything you think would be
602
00:21:35,886 --> 00:21:37,254
more natural in the situation?
603
00:21:37,354 --> 00:21:39,756
The ear is the best writer of all, you know.
604
00:21:39,857 --> 00:21:43,227
And I'll try and ad lib what the man would say.
605
00:21:43,327 --> 00:21:45,062
All right.
606
00:21:45,162 --> 00:21:47,731
I've never felt this way before.
607
00:21:47,831 --> 00:21:50,601
I thought I had, but it was never like this.
608
00:21:50,701 --> 00:21:51,502
Oh, yes.
609
00:21:51,602 --> 00:21:52,870
I see what you mean.
610
00:21:52,970 --> 00:21:53,871
It's wrong.
611
00:21:53,971 --> 00:21:54,938
But I don't care.
612
00:21:55,038 --> 00:21:56,406
But I want you to care.
613
00:21:56,507 --> 00:21:57,574
I want you to care about me.
614
00:21:57,674 --> 00:21:58,709
I want you to think about me!
615
00:21:58,809 --> 00:21:59,977
About nothing else but me!
616
00:22:00,077 --> 00:22:01,445
Say that you will, Laura!
617
00:22:01,545 --> 00:22:02,412
You mean Mildred.
618
00:22:02,513 --> 00:22:03,447
I mean Laura!
619
00:22:03,547 --> 00:22:04,715
Oh, Mr. Caldwell!
620
00:22:04,815 --> 00:22:06,083
I'm a married woman!
621
00:22:06,183 --> 00:22:08,018
Well, I'm not, and we're here alone together!
622
00:22:08,118 --> 00:22:09,987
Oh, I wish I'd taken animal husbandry!
623
00:22:10,087 --> 00:22:11,421
Oh, Laura, you're beautiful!
624
00:22:11,522 --> 00:22:13,423
I've been teaching now for 18 years and nothing
625
00:22:13,524 --> 00:22:16,293
like this has ever happened to me before, I swear it!
626
00:22:16,393 --> 00:22:18,896
I've been madly, passionately in love with you since the moment
627
00:22:18,996 --> 00:22:20,798
I saw you at registration and you
628
00:22:20,898 --> 00:22:23,400
put your tiny little pink card into my hand.
629
00:22:23,500 --> 00:22:24,968
Oh, Rob was right!
630
00:22:25,068 --> 00:22:27,337
You, you did have an ulterior motive!
631
00:22:27,437 --> 00:22:28,405
Of course he was right!
632
00:22:28,505 --> 00:22:29,773
You're abso-- who's Rob?
633
00:22:29,873 --> 00:22:30,808
My husband!
634
00:22:30,908 --> 00:22:32,242
Your your hus--
635
00:22:32,342 --> 00:22:33,577
He just didn't know how ulterior your motives were!
636
00:22:33,677 --> 00:22:34,578
Well, how could he know?
637
00:22:34,678 --> 00:22:35,612
I didn't know myself till--
638
00:22:35,712 --> 00:22:37,214
I mean, I never dreamed--
639
00:22:37,314 --> 00:22:37,915
Oh, Rob!
640
00:22:38,015 --> 00:22:38,849
Hi, darling.
641
00:22:38,949 --> 00:22:40,083
Hi, darling.
642
00:22:40,184 --> 00:22:42,319
Oh, Mr. Caldwell, I'm Laura's husband.
643
00:22:42,419 --> 00:22:43,687
Oh!
644
00:22:43,787 --> 00:22:45,489
I'd like to explain to you--
645
00:22:45,589 --> 00:22:46,957
Listen, don't try to explain.
646
00:22:47,057 --> 00:22:48,458
Look, I know what you've been trying to do with Laura.
647
00:22:48,559 --> 00:22:50,527
I just came down to tell you it's all right with me.
648
00:22:50,627 --> 00:22:51,528
Rob!
649
00:22:55,933 --> 00:22:58,802
Darling, you don't know what you're saying.
650
00:22:58,902 --> 00:23:00,003
Yes, I do, honey.
651
00:23:00,103 --> 00:23:01,371
Look, it's better than fighting.
652
00:23:01,471 --> 00:23:02,940
Oh no!
653
00:23:03,040 --> 00:23:04,508
Look, just stop beating around.
654
00:23:04,608 --> 00:23:06,476
Come right out and ask me and I'll say yes.
655
00:23:06,577 --> 00:23:07,878
- Oh! - You will?
656
00:23:07,978 --> 00:23:09,613
Sure, you just name the night, and I'll be here.
657
00:23:09,713 --> 00:23:10,547
Rob!
658
00:23:10,647 --> 00:23:11,949
I'd like to leave now!
659
00:23:12,049 --> 00:23:13,383
Wait a minute, honey, I want to tell Mr. Caldwell.
660
00:23:13,483 --> 00:23:14,518
Rob, I want to go now!
661
00:23:14,618 --> 00:23:15,452
Well, OK.
662
00:23:15,552 --> 00:23:16,486
Uh, nice meeting you.
663
00:23:16,587 --> 00:23:18,155
I'll be in touch.
664
00:23:18,255 --> 00:23:20,724
Bye.
665
00:23:20,824 --> 00:23:22,426
Extraordinary thing.
666
00:23:30,567 --> 00:23:31,868
I-- you--
667
00:23:31,969 --> 00:23:42,346
w-why, you-- I'm not kidding.
668
00:23:54,124 --> 00:23:56,860
And another thing, you can forget about me
669
00:23:56,960 --> 00:23:58,128
coming down here to lecture.
670
00:24:03,133 --> 00:24:06,270
--But he actually used my own words
671
00:24:06,370 --> 00:24:07,871
and dialog to make his pitch.
672
00:24:07,971 --> 00:24:09,439
Well, how'd he do that?
673
00:24:09,539 --> 00:24:12,276
Well, he had me read my paper and he improvised his part.
674
00:24:12,376 --> 00:24:13,810
You know, I should have pasted that rat,
675
00:24:13,910 --> 00:24:17,414
but he's a schoolteacher and they're underpaid, you know.
676
00:24:19,750 --> 00:24:23,920
But can you imagine a man who was hired to teach housewives
677
00:24:24,021 --> 00:24:26,757
creative writing has the nerve to come right out
678
00:24:26,857 --> 00:24:28,992
and flirt shamelessly?
679
00:24:29,092 --> 00:24:30,193
It's shocking.
680
00:24:33,363 --> 00:24:34,698
Where are you going, Sal?
681
00:24:34,798 --> 00:24:36,767
To see if there's an opening in that rat's class.
682
00:24:36,867 --> 00:24:38,335
What's the matter with you?
683
00:24:38,435 --> 00:24:40,704
Sit down.
684
00:24:40,804 --> 00:24:45,575
[music playing]
48630
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