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[theme music]
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ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show,"
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Starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry
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Mathews, and Mary Tyler Moore.
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[music playing]
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[metal clinking]
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I'm up.
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I'm up.
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[laughs]
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Good morning, Tarzan.
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Morning, Cheetah.
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Did you stay here all night or something?
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I woke up this morning and my wife was baking biscuits.
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So I ran out of the house like a thief.
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You ran out of the house?
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Only thing I can't stand in the morning as my wife's
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blueberry cement biscuits.
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Hey.
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What did you guys to last night?
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Oh, we took Sally out to dinner last night.
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Guess who we ran into?
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A waiter with a bag of soup.
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That's pretty close, all right.
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Do you remember Freddy White?
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That deadbeat?
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What's he doing now?
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Still playing cockamamy little nightclubs around the country.
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Boy, that's all he deserves.
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He's the worst, that guy.
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You know, I wrote some songs for him a couple of years ago.
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Never paid me.
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Sees you, he runs across the street.
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That's right. He stuck me, too.
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I wrote a monologue for him once.
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I never got a nickel.
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What was he doing last night, trying to finagle
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you into writing a new act?
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No.
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All he got from me was dessert, a cup of coffee, two drinks.
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However, he did make a big play for our gal Sal.
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- Came on strong? - Oh, boy.
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He was whispering so many compliments in her ear
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I thought her earrings were going to melt.
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[laughs] Boy, I bet Sal took him apart.
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No, she didn't.
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But I think she's going to take me apart.
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Why?
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Because Laura and I let Freddy take her home.
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I bet she's still steaming.
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You think she's sore?
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Good morning, gentlemen.
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Morning, Sal.
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Hello.
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Aw, you didn't have to sit down for me.
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Ooh, Rob, I love you!
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Hmm.
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ROB: It's obvious that you've forgiven me.
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Forgive you for what?
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For not taking your home last night.
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Rob, I want to thank you for introducing me
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to the sweetest, most honest guy I've ever met.
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I thought you told me you introduced her to Freddy White.
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I did.
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You mean, you like that guy?
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Liked him?
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Listen, he's replacing Herman Glimscher
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as my number one fella.
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Come on.
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You're joshing.
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I'm going to give Herman back to his mother.
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I've always felt a little guilty about breaking up that set.
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Sally, you can't be serious.
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Oh, Rob, listen.
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On the contrary, I'm very serious.
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In fact, Freddy and I are going to be driving
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up around your way tonight.
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Would you like us to drop in for coffee?
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Why-- coffee?
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Oh, wonderful.
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Wonderful.
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Well, don't be so enthused.
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Well, I'm not sure whether you're ribbing me right now
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like I thought you were ribbing Freddy White last night.
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Ribbing Freddy?
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Are you kidding?
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Listen, Rob, he had me eating out of his hand
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and it was delicious. Come on, fellas.
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What do you say we get to work so I get home early.
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I got to do a little extra beautifying for my new fella.
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Your new fella?
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Yeah.
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If I play my cards right, that boy is going to be
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the future Mr. Sally Rogers.
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[ominous music]
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Rob, will you sit down?
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You're wearing out the nap on the carpet.
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You know, I don't understand it.
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Isn't Sally smart enough to see what kind of a guy
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Freddy White is?
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Maybe he's changed.
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Guys like that only change for the worse.
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LAURA: You think he's romancing her just so he can use her?
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Yes, I do.
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And if we don't stop it, he's going
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to get Sal to write him an act for nothing,
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then he's going to drop her.
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I know exactly what kind of a guy he is.
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Rob, you're not thinking of trying to break it up, are you?
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Yeah, I am.
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I'm the guy that put 'em together.
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I'm the guy that better put 'em asunder.
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I've got to do something to convince
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Sally that that guy is as phony as a three legged duck.
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Rob, don't you see that the harder you try to show him up
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as a phony, and the more you point out his faults,
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the more she'll love him and fight to prove you wrong?
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Where'd you get that little piece of philosophy?
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Darling, I know.
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I'm a woman.
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Every time anyone points out your fault
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and your shortcomings, I defend you
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and I love you just that much more.
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I know, honey.
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What faults?
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What shortcomings you talking-- you been talking
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with Jerry or something? - No, darling.
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I'm just generalizing. [doorbell ringing]
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You know what I mean.
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There they are.
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All right, now, will you remember
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please you're Sally's friend, not her father.
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I'll try and remember, but I won't promise.
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[laughter]
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Hi, Sal.
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Hi, Sally.
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Hi, Fred.
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Hi, Fred.
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[laughter]
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Hey, Sal, what's the big joke?
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Do you know what this nut did?
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There was a mud outside, so he spread his coat
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and told me to walk on it.
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[laughs]
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Why not?
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Walter Raleigh did it and became immortal.
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[laughs] I know, but he did it for a queen.
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And what do you think you are, Your Majesty, chopped chicken
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liver?
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Why don't we all sit down?
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Yeah.
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Sit down, Sal.
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Oh, thanks Rob.
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Well, where did you two have dinner?
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At The Plush Pheasant.
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The Plush Pheasant-- that's kind of classy, isn't it?
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I hope to kiss a rhino.
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You know the cost for dinner for two?
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$41, not including the tip.
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Oh, want did you tell 'em for?
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Why not?
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Listen, I've never met a girl before that took
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me to such expensive places.
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Sal, you mean to tell me you paid for the dinner?
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No, only for what I ate.
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It's only fair, Rob.
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I had chicken.
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She had the pheasant.
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Yeah.
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But he was a real gent.
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He paid for the tip, the hat check, and the parking,
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and he gave me back the change.
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That's me, second rate comedian with star's class.
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Oh, now, cut that out, Freddy.
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You're not a second rate comedian.
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You've only got second rate material.
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Hey, you know what you need?
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Yeah.
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I know what I need.
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I need a new first rate act.
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And I might just get one real soon.
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From whom, Fred?
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I figure if I kind of be nice to this lovely blonde girl,
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she might write me an act real cheap.
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Listen.
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You keep kissing me like that, I'll
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write you a new act for free.
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Two more dates like tonight, and Rob
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may lose his prettiest comedy writer for life.
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Hey.
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Does that sound like a murder threat
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or did I just hear a marriage proposal?
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I don't know.
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I think either way, you're dead.
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[laughs]
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Laura, what do you think?
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Didn't that sound like a marriage proposal?
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Well, I think you want to discuss that with Fred.
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Aw, he'd just laugh.
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Oh, yeah?
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You just try me on the way home, Mommy.
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Honey, why don't you want to fix some coffee?
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Yeah.
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That's a good idea. - Good idea.
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Sal, why don't you give her a hand there?
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Sal?
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Sal.
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Sal, why don't you help--
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Sally. - Oh, yeah.
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Yeah. ROB: Help Laura with the coffee.
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Yeah, sure.
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I'll-- I'll go fix the sugar and the--
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the creamer, and I'll go slice some cake.
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Can you sew buttons, too?
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Like Betsy Ross.
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Show me.
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You know you're a nut?
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You know you're a nut?
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You really got a little Sally going there, haven't you?
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Yeah.
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She's infatuated with the old master.
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What-- what does the old master think of her?
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Oh, nice girl.
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Good figure, good teeth, good legs.
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Mm-hmm.
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I got plans for her.
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What are you gonna do, put her in a horse race?
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I'll tell you, a comic like me and a writer like Sally--
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together we can go right to the top of the heap.
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Yeah. I see.
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Fred, I know you're going to tell me
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this is none of my business, but I got to ask you something.
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Yeah. Yeah.
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Yeah. Yeah.
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I know.
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You want to know I love Sally. - That's right.
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Do you?
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I'm going to marry her if I can.
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Well, isn't that a little drastic, marrying somebody
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just to get some material?
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Why don't you ask her to write you an act instead?
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Rob, it's not the same.
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You see, if she's married to me, she'll write material forever.
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And then all I have to bear is a little love, compliments,
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and some attention.
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I think it's a great arrangement.
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Right?
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I think it stinks.
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I'm certainly glad that you're not Sally's father.
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You wouldn't spring for a good church wedding, would you?
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I'm going to go in there and tell Sally this right now.
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You won't.
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And if you did, it wouldn't do any good anyway, because she's
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got stars in her eyes.
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And I put them there.
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You know something, Freddy?
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You are not a very nice man.
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You know, Rob, your porch lights are on.
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But everybody notices it right away.
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[music playing]
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Rob, are you just going to lie there and let
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her be hurt by that man?
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What do you want me to do?
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Go to bed.
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Why don't you talk to her, Rob,
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and tell her what he told you tonight?
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I told him I was going to tell her.
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It didn't faze him.
268
00:08:51,606 --> 00:08:53,174
He said she wouldn't even believe me.
269
00:08:53,274 --> 00:08:54,642
Do you know she's in love with him?
270
00:08:54,742 --> 00:08:56,577
Did she say that to you in those words?
271
00:08:56,677 --> 00:08:58,479
Right in our kitchen.
272
00:08:58,579 --> 00:08:59,747
Oh, boy.
273
00:08:59,847 --> 00:09:01,682
Well, maybe she's, you know, just infatuated.
274
00:09:01,783 --> 00:09:04,385
Well, in that case it'll make it that much easier for you
275
00:09:04,485 --> 00:09:05,586
to tell her.
276
00:09:05,686 --> 00:09:06,387
Honey, look.
277
00:09:06,487 --> 00:09:07,688
Why don't you talk to Sally?
278
00:09:07,789 --> 00:09:09,190
You're both the same sex.
279
00:09:09,290 --> 00:09:11,292
Well, so are you.
280
00:09:11,392 --> 00:09:12,026
What?
281
00:09:12,126 --> 00:09:13,594
So are you and Fred.
282
00:09:13,694 --> 00:09:16,297
Besides, it'll be much more convincing coming from a man.
283
00:09:16,397 --> 00:09:18,466
Yeah, I suppose so.
284
00:09:18,566 --> 00:09:20,902
Oh, I wish she would just marry Herman Glimscher
285
00:09:21,002 --> 00:09:22,437
and settle down.
286
00:09:22,537 --> 00:09:24,372
LAURA: Of course, you could just resist introducing
287
00:09:24,472 --> 00:09:26,040
her to charming rat finks.
288
00:09:26,140 --> 00:09:26,941
Oh, I will.
289
00:09:27,041 --> 00:09:29,210
You watch your language.
290
00:09:29,310 --> 00:09:31,479
Will you go to bed?
291
00:09:31,579 --> 00:09:32,513
Oh.
292
00:09:35,716 --> 00:09:38,186
[music playing]
293
00:09:39,220 --> 00:09:40,354
And Laura is trying to make me believe
294
00:09:40,455 --> 00:09:42,056
it's my fault that Sally and that fink
295
00:09:42,156 --> 00:09:43,424
White got together, simply because I
296
00:09:43,524 --> 00:09:44,792
was the guy who introduced 'em.
297
00:09:44,892 --> 00:09:46,127
Well, Laura's right.
298
00:09:46,227 --> 00:09:48,029
I'll always hold a special place in my heart
299
00:09:48,129 --> 00:09:50,098
for the guy who introduced me to Pickles.
300
00:09:50,198 --> 00:09:52,600
Every time I get heartburn, I think of him.
301
00:09:52,700 --> 00:09:56,304
Well, I don't want Sally to think that way about me.
302
00:09:56,404 --> 00:09:57,939
BUDDY: You really think the guy will marry her
303
00:09:58,039 --> 00:09:59,140
just to get an act for free?
304
00:09:59,240 --> 00:10:00,675
He said that to me in those words,
305
00:10:00,775 --> 00:10:03,578
just as calmly as if he were ordering a shrimp cocktail.
306
00:10:03,678 --> 00:10:08,082
Boy, that's a new one, an honest louse.
307
00:10:08,182 --> 00:10:09,851
That's the worst kind.
308
00:10:09,951 --> 00:10:11,819
Hey, maybe we better tell Sal before she starts
309
00:10:11,919 --> 00:10:13,154
emptying out her hope chest.
310
00:10:13,254 --> 00:10:15,656
I intend to, just when the proper moment comes.
311
00:10:15,756 --> 00:10:16,357
Hi, fellas.
312
00:10:16,457 --> 00:10:17,325
I'm sorry I'm late.
313
00:10:17,425 --> 00:10:18,392
I was at the beauty shop.
314
00:10:18,493 --> 00:10:19,627
Oh, didn't get waited on.
315
00:10:19,727 --> 00:10:20,628
Right?
316
00:10:23,531 --> 00:10:24,699
You better be nice to me.
317
00:10:24,799 --> 00:10:26,501
I may not be around here too much longer.
318
00:10:26,601 --> 00:10:27,268
Oh?
319
00:10:27,368 --> 00:10:28,536
Look what Freddy gave me.
320
00:10:28,636 --> 00:10:31,506
A manicure?
321
00:10:31,606 --> 00:10:32,440
Wrong hand.
322
00:10:32,540 --> 00:10:33,341
Look.
323
00:10:33,441 --> 00:10:35,109
Freddy gave you a cigar band?
324
00:10:35,209 --> 00:10:36,310
Yeah.
325
00:10:36,410 --> 00:10:38,346
Maybe he wants to smoke your finger.
326
00:10:38,446 --> 00:10:40,648
You know what he said to me when he gave this to me?
327
00:10:40,748 --> 00:10:43,551
He said, Mommy, I'm gonna replace
328
00:10:43,651 --> 00:10:46,854
that paper band with something a little more durable.
329
00:10:46,954 --> 00:10:48,823
A peach pit ring.
330
00:10:48,923 --> 00:10:52,426
No, a real one.
331
00:10:52,527 --> 00:10:57,298
Hey Rob, Buddy, we're getting married.
332
00:11:00,868 --> 00:11:02,837
Well, aren't you gonna say congratulations
333
00:11:02,937 --> 00:11:03,771
or something like that?
334
00:11:03,871 --> 00:11:04,672
Yeah.
335
00:11:04,772 --> 00:11:05,406
Congratulations.
336
00:11:05,506 --> 00:11:06,641
Congratulations, Sal.
337
00:11:06,741 --> 00:11:08,843
Well, don't jump up and down for joy.
338
00:11:08,943 --> 00:11:10,144
Sally, sit down.
339
00:11:10,244 --> 00:11:11,679
There's a few things I want to say to you.
340
00:11:11,779 --> 00:11:13,648
Well, if you're gonna tell me about the birds and bees,
341
00:11:13,748 --> 00:11:15,249
I know.
342
00:11:15,349 --> 00:11:16,484
About Freddy White.
343
00:11:16,584 --> 00:11:19,086
You mean about how he owes you money?
344
00:11:19,186 --> 00:11:20,321
Not only that.
345
00:11:20,421 --> 00:11:22,223
About your conversation last night?
346
00:11:22,323 --> 00:11:23,124
He told you?
347
00:11:23,224 --> 00:11:24,725
Every word.
348
00:11:24,825 --> 00:11:27,228
Well, Sal, don't you see the reason he's going to marry you?
349
00:11:27,328 --> 00:11:28,896
Well, do you mean did he tell me
350
00:11:28,996 --> 00:11:31,032
that he intended to use me as his head writer
351
00:11:31,132 --> 00:11:32,133
of free comedy material?
352
00:11:32,233 --> 00:11:33,534
Yeah, he told me.
353
00:11:33,634 --> 00:11:35,770
And he said you'd probably tell me if he didn't.
354
00:11:35,870 --> 00:11:37,104
Well, I'll be.
355
00:11:37,204 --> 00:11:39,106
Sally, don't you see what he's trying to do?
356
00:11:39,206 --> 00:11:41,576
Well, I think he's being painfully honest.
357
00:11:41,676 --> 00:11:43,411
Sally, I don't know quite how to say this.
358
00:11:43,511 --> 00:11:45,947
But Freddy White is not a very nice man.
359
00:11:46,047 --> 00:11:47,248
Now, Rob, wait a minute--
360
00:11:47,348 --> 00:11:49,417
wasn't a very nice man.
361
00:11:49,517 --> 00:11:51,852
Now, you know what they say about the love of a good woman.
362
00:11:51,953 --> 00:11:53,220
Yeah.
363
00:11:53,321 --> 00:11:53,888
It keeps you from bowling on Thursday nights.
364
00:11:57,692 --> 00:11:59,860
Look, fellas, Freddy's a very gifted man,
365
00:11:59,961 --> 00:12:01,696
and I know I can help him.
366
00:12:01,796 --> 00:12:02,463
And let's face it.
367
00:12:02,563 --> 00:12:04,532
I-- I know he can help me.
368
00:12:04,632 --> 00:12:07,969
So don't worry, I know what I'm doing.
369
00:12:08,069 --> 00:12:09,470
I hope so.
370
00:12:09,570 --> 00:12:13,307
Well, all I can say, Sal, is I wish you great happiness
371
00:12:13,407 --> 00:12:14,375
and lots of luck.
372
00:12:14,475 --> 00:12:16,944
Yeah, lots of luck.
373
00:12:17,044 --> 00:12:17,878
Thanks, Rob.
374
00:12:17,979 --> 00:12:20,448
You too, Buddy.
375
00:12:20,548 --> 00:12:24,518
Well, when-- when you think you'll be leaving us, Sal?
376
00:12:24,619 --> 00:12:26,887
Well, that's kind of, like, up to Fred.
377
00:12:26,988 --> 00:12:28,155
You know.
378
00:12:28,256 --> 00:12:29,624
Hi, fellas.
379
00:12:29,724 --> 00:12:30,925
Mommy.
380
00:12:31,025 --> 00:12:31,959
Mommy.
381
00:12:34,595 --> 00:12:36,097
Did she tell you the news? - Yeah.
382
00:12:36,197 --> 00:12:37,031
She told us.
383
00:12:37,131 --> 00:12:37,965
Exciting, isn't it?
384
00:12:38,065 --> 00:12:39,100
Yeah, very.
385
00:12:39,200 --> 00:12:41,435
Makes me all goosey pimply.
386
00:12:41,535 --> 00:12:43,404
I know how you guys feel, but don't feel bad.
387
00:12:43,504 --> 00:12:44,538
You're not losing a collaborator.
388
00:12:44,639 --> 00:12:46,974
You're only gaining a new star.
389
00:12:47,074 --> 00:12:48,709
We're thrilled.
390
00:12:48,809 --> 00:12:51,078
Listen, Rob, can I borrow my girl for about an hour?
391
00:12:51,178 --> 00:12:52,780
- For what? - For what?
392
00:12:52,880 --> 00:12:53,914
Me.
393
00:12:54,015 --> 00:12:56,217
I found an engagement ring for you that's you.
394
00:12:56,317 --> 00:12:57,151
Yeah?
395
00:12:57,251 --> 00:12:58,452
Yeah.
396
00:12:58,552 --> 00:12:59,987
And I want you to be the first one to see it.
397
00:13:00,087 --> 00:13:02,690
After all, you're paying for it.
398
00:13:02,790 --> 00:13:04,025
Wait a minute.
399
00:13:04,125 --> 00:13:05,326
Sal, you mean you're gonna buy your own engagement ring?
400
00:13:05,426 --> 00:13:06,260
Why not?
401
00:13:06,360 --> 00:13:07,461
She's gonna wear it.
402
00:13:07,561 --> 00:13:08,663
SALLY: He's only kidding. - Listen.
403
00:13:08,763 --> 00:13:09,864
While we're gone, you can discuss
404
00:13:09,964 --> 00:13:11,198
a nice engagement gift for us. - Yeah.
405
00:13:11,298 --> 00:13:12,466
Sure.
406
00:13:12,566 --> 00:13:13,501
Why don't we write your new act, so she
407
00:13:13,601 --> 00:13:14,769
can have a nice honeymoon.
408
00:13:14,869 --> 00:13:16,404
Hey.
409
00:13:16,504 --> 00:13:18,072
That's not a bad idea.
410
00:13:18,172 --> 00:13:19,573
Discuss it, will you?
411
00:13:19,674 --> 00:13:20,875
Come on, Mommy, let's go.
412
00:13:20,975 --> 00:13:21,842
Yeah, but listen.
413
00:13:21,942 --> 00:13:23,310
Also talk about silverware and salad
414
00:13:23,411 --> 00:13:25,880
bowls, things like that there, you know.
415
00:13:25,980 --> 00:13:29,450
Don't forget, it's for Sally, so money should be no object.
416
00:13:33,721 --> 00:13:35,022
Yuck.
417
00:13:35,122 --> 00:13:35,956
Yeah.
418
00:13:36,057 --> 00:13:37,525
Boy, he is lovable.
419
00:13:37,625 --> 00:13:38,459
Buddy, you know something?
420
00:13:38,559 --> 00:13:39,894
You're a genius.
421
00:13:39,994 --> 00:13:40,661
I'm what?
422
00:13:40,761 --> 00:13:42,196
I said, you're a genius.
423
00:13:42,296 --> 00:13:43,431
Has my mother been blabbing again?
424
00:13:43,531 --> 00:13:44,999
[laughs] No.
425
00:13:45,099 --> 00:13:46,600
You were kidding when you said we'd write Freddy a new act,
426
00:13:46,701 --> 00:13:48,836
but that's just what you and I are going to do.
427
00:13:48,936 --> 00:13:49,804
Oh, come on.
428
00:13:49,904 --> 00:13:51,238
We're going to write Freddy White
429
00:13:51,339 --> 00:13:52,573
the best act he's ever had.
430
00:13:52,673 --> 00:13:55,676
I wouldn't write that guy I get well card.
431
00:13:55,776 --> 00:13:58,012
Didn't you notice when you said you'd write him a new act,
432
00:13:58,112 --> 00:13:59,547
those beady eyes lit up?
433
00:13:59,647 --> 00:14:02,183
Who wants to light up his beady little eyes?
434
00:14:02,283 --> 00:14:05,286
Buddy, I've got a hunch that if you and I write him a really
435
00:14:05,386 --> 00:14:07,388
great act, Freddy White is liable to lose
436
00:14:07,488 --> 00:14:09,990
interest in his Mommy.
437
00:14:10,091 --> 00:14:11,325
Gee, do you really think so?
438
00:14:11,425 --> 00:14:12,493
Sure.
439
00:14:12,593 --> 00:14:13,961
And the worst thing that can happen
440
00:14:14,061 --> 00:14:14,995
is that we're proven wrong.
441
00:14:15,096 --> 00:14:16,497
What do you say? - Yeah.
442
00:14:16,597 --> 00:14:18,332
And if we're wrong it means he really cares for Sally.
443
00:14:18,432 --> 00:14:19,366
That's right.
444
00:14:19,467 --> 00:14:20,835
Gee, what a great idea I had.
445
00:14:24,205 --> 00:14:26,741
[laughter]
446
00:14:27,942 --> 00:14:29,477
You know, ladies and gentlemen, many times when
447
00:14:29,577 --> 00:14:31,479
the person comes out on stage people in the audience
448
00:14:31,579 --> 00:14:33,481
sometimes say to themselves, gee,
449
00:14:33,581 --> 00:14:35,516
I wonder where he comes from.
450
00:14:35,616 --> 00:14:38,719
After all, not everyone can come from West Chester.
451
00:14:38,819 --> 00:14:40,387
[laughter]
452
00:14:40,488 --> 00:14:42,289
I come from a little town called South
453
00:14:42,389 --> 00:14:47,461
Mokelumne Falls, which is in Mahanoy County, Pennsylvania.
454
00:14:47,561 --> 00:14:52,299
And it's exactly six miles north of Plunkettville,
455
00:14:52,399 --> 00:14:54,201
another strange little town.
456
00:14:54,301 --> 00:14:56,437
And this is where I spent my youth.
457
00:14:56,537 --> 00:14:58,806
Now, to more or less reminisce about my youth,
458
00:14:58,906 --> 00:15:00,608
I was a little too young for a dog,
459
00:15:00,708 --> 00:15:02,743
a little too old for a giraffe.
460
00:15:02,843 --> 00:15:05,646
So I had to settle for an ordinary housefly.
461
00:15:05,746 --> 00:15:08,382
And every day when I went to school, Horace to fly
462
00:15:08,482 --> 00:15:11,051
would follow me to school, land on my desk,
463
00:15:11,152 --> 00:15:13,220
and show me his exercises.
464
00:15:13,320 --> 00:15:15,189
[laughter]
465
00:15:15,289 --> 00:15:18,893
[applause]
466
00:15:25,099 --> 00:15:26,834
There was a neighbor that lived a couple of doors away
467
00:15:26,934 --> 00:15:30,004
that used to raise rare birds, the Umack bird.
468
00:15:30,104 --> 00:15:32,473
Now, for those of you who are not familiar with the Umack
469
00:15:32,573 --> 00:15:34,341
bird, the Umack bird happens to be
470
00:15:34,441 --> 00:15:37,978
one of the rare species of birds on the face of the earth today.
471
00:15:38,078 --> 00:15:40,714
They also happen to be very passionate birds.
472
00:15:40,815 --> 00:15:44,852
Do you know that every night at 9:30 o'clock,
473
00:15:44,952 --> 00:15:47,655
when the moon is at its very lowest, you can
474
00:15:47,755 --> 00:15:52,092
find this bird flying from branch to branch,
475
00:15:52,193 --> 00:15:54,195
search for her mate.
476
00:15:54,295 --> 00:15:55,830
Is that you, Mack?
477
00:15:55,930 --> 00:15:58,966
[laughter]
478
00:15:59,667 --> 00:16:01,569
Is that you, Mack?
479
00:16:01,669 --> 00:16:03,137
[mimics bird]
480
00:16:03,237 --> 00:16:06,207
[laughter]
481
00:16:07,341 --> 00:16:09,143
Today I walked into a drug store.
482
00:16:09,243 --> 00:16:11,579
Now, walking into a drug store nowadays is not
483
00:16:11,679 --> 00:16:13,113
quite like it was years ago.
484
00:16:13,214 --> 00:16:15,683
So you will notice that invariably, in a drug store,
485
00:16:15,783 --> 00:16:18,118
they have a section set up for alarm clocks,
486
00:16:18,219 --> 00:16:22,990
ranging from $3.95 to $39.95.
487
00:16:23,090 --> 00:16:25,392
However, years ago we never needed
488
00:16:25,492 --> 00:16:27,261
alarm clocks to wake us up.
489
00:16:27,361 --> 00:16:28,863
Because there was an old man that
490
00:16:28,963 --> 00:16:33,067
lived next door who was 50 years old and had a 75-year-old cold.
491
00:16:33,167 --> 00:16:35,436
And every morning, he'd clear out his sinuses.
492
00:16:35,536 --> 00:16:42,009
[mimics clearing throat]
493
00:16:42,109 --> 00:16:45,679
[laughter and applause]
494
00:16:48,215 --> 00:16:50,084
You see, this woke up our neighborhood.
495
00:16:50,184 --> 00:16:53,687
Now, that was usually a definite cue for the neighbor next door
496
00:16:53,787 --> 00:16:56,090
to commence with this daily chores.
497
00:16:56,190 --> 00:17:02,263
[non-english speech] [mimics sawing wood]
498
00:17:14,708 --> 00:17:16,577
Well, we had a little construction problem
499
00:17:16,677 --> 00:17:18,479
in those days, too, just as we have today.
500
00:17:18,579 --> 00:17:21,448
Today there are two types of highways in the United States--
501
00:17:21,549 --> 00:17:25,286
inadequate and under construction.
502
00:17:25,386 --> 00:17:27,588
But it would be unkind and unfair to make you think
503
00:17:27,688 --> 00:17:30,491
I had no love, for I met my first real love when
504
00:17:30,591 --> 00:17:32,793
I was just eight years old.
505
00:17:32,893 --> 00:17:34,328
Her name was Olivia.
506
00:17:34,428 --> 00:17:41,702
She was tall, beautiful, gorgeous, elegant, shapely.
507
00:17:41,802 --> 00:17:43,070
She was an ostrich.
508
00:17:45,606 --> 00:17:48,909
[mimics ostrich call]
509
00:17:56,650 --> 00:18:00,220
[laughter and applause]
510
00:18:15,502 --> 00:18:16,804
You were great.
511
00:18:16,904 --> 00:18:18,105
Oh, wasn't he great, Mel?
512
00:18:18,205 --> 00:18:21,141
First rate, absolutely first rate.
513
00:18:21,241 --> 00:18:22,710
Don't congratulate me.
514
00:18:22,810 --> 00:18:24,378
Congratulate Mutt and Jeff.
515
00:18:24,478 --> 00:18:25,946
They wrote it.
516
00:18:26,046 --> 00:18:28,749
Fred, how would you like to do that act on "The Alan
517
00:18:28,849 --> 00:18:30,284
Brady Show" next week?
518
00:18:30,384 --> 00:18:32,086
I wouldn't.
519
00:18:32,186 --> 00:18:33,387
You wouldn't?
520
00:18:33,487 --> 00:18:35,956
Of course not, at least not until I've made as much as
521
00:18:36,056 --> 00:18:37,791
I can out of it work in nightclubs and theaters
522
00:18:37,891 --> 00:18:39,360
throughout the country.
523
00:18:39,460 --> 00:18:41,762
After all, why should I blow it all on one television show?
524
00:18:41,862 --> 00:18:43,097
That makes sense, Mel.
525
00:18:43,197 --> 00:18:44,398
Well, it doesn't make sense to me, not at all.
526
00:18:44,498 --> 00:18:45,699
I think it makes sense, Mel.
527
00:18:45,799 --> 00:18:47,401
After all, he can play our show after he's
528
00:18:47,501 --> 00:18:48,736
toured the world with it.
529
00:18:48,836 --> 00:18:50,537
Pretty nice engagement gift, huh, Freddy?
530
00:18:50,638 --> 00:18:51,872
What, are you guys kidding?
531
00:18:51,972 --> 00:18:54,875
This is too good for an engagement gift.
532
00:18:54,975 --> 00:18:56,143
What do you mean, Fred?
533
00:18:56,243 --> 00:18:57,611
Well, do you realize I could do a world
534
00:18:57,711 --> 00:18:59,113
tour with this material?
535
00:18:59,213 --> 00:18:59,913
So?
536
00:19:00,014 --> 00:19:02,916
So engagement gift is out.
537
00:19:03,017 --> 00:19:04,885
What?
538
00:19:04,985 --> 00:19:06,987
Mommy.
539
00:19:07,087 --> 00:19:09,056
Mommy.
540
00:19:09,156 --> 00:19:11,125
A wedding gift.
541
00:19:11,225 --> 00:19:13,961
A wedding gift?
542
00:19:14,061 --> 00:19:17,898
Well, you two certainly broke up that romance.
543
00:19:17,998 --> 00:19:21,735
[mimics dog barking]
544
00:19:23,904 --> 00:19:25,139
Come on, honey.
545
00:19:25,239 --> 00:19:26,373
Just put that over there. Would you, please?
546
00:19:26,473 --> 00:19:28,208
- Oh, sure, Mommy. - Good.
547
00:19:28,308 --> 00:19:29,443
I won't be too long.
548
00:19:29,543 --> 00:19:30,444
Take your time.
549
00:19:35,582 --> 00:19:36,417
Hey, you know, Mommy--
550
00:19:36,517 --> 00:19:37,551
What?
551
00:19:37,651 --> 00:19:38,385
You know what you remind me of?
552
00:19:38,485 --> 00:19:39,887
What?
553
00:19:39,987 --> 00:19:41,488
A schoolgirl emptying her desk at the end of the year.
554
00:19:41,588 --> 00:19:44,024
You know, I feel like one.
555
00:19:44,124 --> 00:19:45,159
You know, there'll probably be lots
556
00:19:45,259 --> 00:19:46,493
of times when I'll miss those two
557
00:19:46,593 --> 00:19:49,897
nuts and this old school room--
558
00:19:49,997 --> 00:19:55,402
Rob doing his push ups, and Buddy sleeping on the couch.
559
00:19:58,305 --> 00:20:00,174
Come on, let's get out of here before they come back.
560
00:20:00,274 --> 00:20:02,743
You know, we did the goodbye bit to death last night.
561
00:20:05,579 --> 00:20:06,480
Hey, wait a minute, Mommy.
562
00:20:06,580 --> 00:20:08,615
What's with the [sniffles]?
563
00:20:08,716 --> 00:20:10,084
Something wrong with you? - No, why?
564
00:20:10,184 --> 00:20:11,718
You're not going to miss writing, are you?
565
00:20:11,819 --> 00:20:13,520
Well, I'll be writing for you, won't I?
566
00:20:13,620 --> 00:20:16,356
You better believe it, Mommy.
567
00:20:16,457 --> 00:20:19,026
[laughs]
568
00:20:19,126 --> 00:20:20,527
What are you laughing at?
569
00:20:20,627 --> 00:20:21,495
What am I laughing at?
570
00:20:21,595 --> 00:20:23,030
SALLY: Yeah.
571
00:20:23,130 --> 00:20:24,998
You know, I know a couple of guys that thought that when
572
00:20:25,099 --> 00:20:27,401
I got a good act that I wouldn't need you,
573
00:20:27,501 --> 00:20:29,036
that I wouldn't marry you.
574
00:20:29,136 --> 00:20:31,605
I sure proved them wrong, didn't I?
575
00:20:31,705 --> 00:20:32,840
Did you?
576
00:20:32,940 --> 00:20:34,775
Sally, don't you know by marrying you
577
00:20:34,875 --> 00:20:37,478
I have an opportunity to make half of show business
578
00:20:37,578 --> 00:20:39,780
eat their words?
579
00:20:39,880 --> 00:20:41,315
What do you mean?
580
00:20:41,415 --> 00:20:44,551
I finally get a chance to get rid of the billing Freddy
581
00:20:44,651 --> 00:20:46,019
the Welsher.
582
00:20:46,120 --> 00:20:48,455
This is my opportunity to prove to those characters
583
00:20:48,555 --> 00:20:52,192
that I've changed, that I do honor contracts, debts,
584
00:20:52,292 --> 00:20:55,896
verbal commitments, handshakes, and all that jazz,
585
00:20:55,996 --> 00:20:58,432
like a guy with finesse should.
586
00:20:58,532 --> 00:21:02,302
Do to see, Mommy, the day that I marry you
587
00:21:02,402 --> 00:21:05,439
I make think dingbats out of half of show business,
588
00:21:05,539 --> 00:21:08,208
for crying out loud.
589
00:21:08,308 --> 00:21:10,878
[somber music]
590
00:21:10,978 --> 00:21:14,481
Yeah, for crying out loud.
591
00:21:14,581 --> 00:21:15,516
Huh.
592
00:21:21,822 --> 00:21:24,391
What are you doing, Sally?
593
00:21:24,491 --> 00:21:27,694
Freddy, I think it'd be best all the way around we
594
00:21:27,794 --> 00:21:28,595
call this thing off.
595
00:21:28,695 --> 00:21:29,730
Huh?
596
00:21:29,830 --> 00:21:30,631
The marriage?
597
00:21:30,731 --> 00:21:31,832
Yeah.
598
00:21:31,932 --> 00:21:33,600
You want to call off the wedding?
599
00:21:33,700 --> 00:21:34,635
Yeah.
600
00:21:34,735 --> 00:21:36,470
I want to call off the wedding.
601
00:21:36,570 --> 00:21:40,040
[somber music]
602
00:21:44,044 --> 00:21:45,045
What do you say, Freddy?
603
00:21:45,145 --> 00:21:46,079
Huh?
604
00:21:49,116 --> 00:21:49,783
No!
605
00:21:49,883 --> 00:21:51,652
I'm not gonna call it off.
606
00:21:51,752 --> 00:21:52,986
What do you think of that?
607
00:21:53,086 --> 00:21:54,588
You're not gonna call it off?
608
00:21:54,688 --> 00:21:55,522
No.
609
00:21:55,622 --> 00:21:56,456
Come on.
610
00:21:56,557 --> 00:21:58,225
Come on.
611
00:21:58,325 --> 00:22:02,863
Do you think that I'm gonna have those Broadway columnists call
612
00:22:02,963 --> 00:22:05,432
me welsher again?
613
00:22:05,532 --> 00:22:06,333
We're get married.
614
00:22:06,433 --> 00:22:07,935
That's final.
615
00:22:08,035 --> 00:22:11,605
Uh, Freddy, I got a great idea.
616
00:22:11,705 --> 00:22:12,806
What do you think of this?
617
00:22:12,906 --> 00:22:13,974
Suppose we postpone it?
618
00:22:14,074 --> 00:22:15,542
- Postpone it? - Yeah. yeah.
619
00:22:15,642 --> 00:22:16,777
You go on tour.
620
00:22:16,877 --> 00:22:18,178
And then, when you come back, you know,
621
00:22:18,278 --> 00:22:19,913
we'll pick up where we left off.
622
00:22:20,013 --> 00:22:21,381
You know, we'll just go right on.
623
00:22:21,481 --> 00:22:22,449
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
624
00:22:22,549 --> 00:22:23,417
That's a terrific idea.
625
00:22:23,517 --> 00:22:24,518
Good idea, huh?
626
00:22:24,618 --> 00:22:25,419
We postpone it.
627
00:22:25,519 --> 00:22:26,620
I go away on tour.
628
00:22:26,720 --> 00:22:28,288
Then, when I come back, we get back together again.
629
00:22:28,388 --> 00:22:28,789
Yeah. Good.
630
00:22:28,889 --> 00:22:30,357
Beautiful.
631
00:22:30,457 --> 00:22:32,359
And to show my intentions are honest, I'll keep your ring.
632
00:22:32,459 --> 00:22:33,293
OK?
633
00:22:33,393 --> 00:22:34,361
OK.
634
00:22:34,461 --> 00:22:35,429
Yeah.
635
00:22:35,529 --> 00:22:37,431
Oh, Mommy, I'll write to you every day.
636
00:22:37,531 --> 00:22:38,265
Yeah.
637
00:22:38,365 --> 00:22:39,633
And I'll answer you every day.
638
00:22:39,733 --> 00:22:40,834
Oh, you're one in a million!
639
00:22:40,934 --> 00:22:41,768
Yeah.
640
00:22:41,869 --> 00:22:43,403
Those are my usual odds.
641
00:22:43,503 --> 00:22:45,772
Yeah.
642
00:22:45,872 --> 00:22:46,907
You wear that ring.
643
00:22:47,007 --> 00:22:50,410
Oh, till my whole arm turns green.
644
00:22:50,510 --> 00:22:51,478
I got it.
645
00:22:51,578 --> 00:22:53,213
Oh, I love you.
646
00:22:53,313 --> 00:22:54,214
What a girl!
647
00:22:57,517 --> 00:23:01,088
[somber music]
648
00:23:16,837 --> 00:23:18,672
Freddy told you, huh?
649
00:23:18,772 --> 00:23:20,240
We're sorry, Sal.
650
00:23:20,340 --> 00:23:22,009
Hey, Sal, I want you to know that writing the act
651
00:23:22,109 --> 00:23:23,510
for that guy was my idea.
652
00:23:23,610 --> 00:23:24,511
No, it wasn't, Sal.
653
00:23:24,611 --> 00:23:25,912
I thought maybe it would--
654
00:23:26,013 --> 00:23:28,348
Boy, I never thought you fellas were that way.
655
00:23:28,448 --> 00:23:29,082
What do you mean?
656
00:23:29,182 --> 00:23:31,318
Credit grabbers.
657
00:23:31,418 --> 00:23:33,287
Look, I don't care whose idea it--
658
00:23:33,387 --> 00:23:36,123
it worked, and I thank you both very, very much.
659
00:23:36,223 --> 00:23:37,691
You mean, you're not upset?
660
00:23:37,791 --> 00:23:42,095
Oh, yeah, but quite happy about the results, believe me.
661
00:23:42,195 --> 00:23:42,996
It's all right, fellas.
662
00:23:43,096 --> 00:23:44,231
Where are you going?
663
00:23:44,331 --> 00:23:45,065
Home.
664
00:23:45,165 --> 00:23:46,366
When are you coming back here?
665
00:23:46,466 --> 00:23:47,634
Well, let's see.
666
00:23:47,734 --> 00:23:49,269
It'll take me about 15 minutes to change and unpack,
667
00:23:49,369 --> 00:23:50,504
and 15 minutes for traveling.
668
00:23:50,604 --> 00:23:52,773
I should be back in about three hours.
669
00:23:52,873 --> 00:23:53,940
Three hours?
670
00:23:54,041 --> 00:23:55,275
Yeah.
671
00:23:55,375 --> 00:23:57,511
I figure I'm good for at least a two hour cry.
672
00:23:57,611 --> 00:23:59,313
See ya.
673
00:23:59,413 --> 00:24:02,749
[somber music]
674
00:24:09,056 --> 00:24:10,324
- Good morning, gentlemen. - Oh.
675
00:24:10,424 --> 00:24:11,224
Hi, Sal.
676
00:24:11,325 --> 00:24:12,159
Hello.
677
00:24:12,259 --> 00:24:13,093
Aw.
678
00:24:13,193 --> 00:24:14,828
You didn't have to stand up for me.
679
00:24:14,928 --> 00:24:15,929
Who was standing up?
680
00:24:16,029 --> 00:24:18,832
I was straightening my girdle.
681
00:24:18,932 --> 00:24:20,300
What are you so happy about, anyway?
682
00:24:20,400 --> 00:24:21,902
- I got a present for you. - What?
683
00:24:22,002 --> 00:24:22,669
What? What?
684
00:24:22,769 --> 00:24:23,437
This is you.
685
00:24:23,537 --> 00:24:24,638
Hey, money.
686
00:24:24,738 --> 00:24:25,639
And that's for you.
687
00:24:25,739 --> 00:24:26,673
Hey, what's this for?
688
00:24:26,773 --> 00:24:28,308
For writing Fred White's act.
689
00:24:28,408 --> 00:24:29,843
You mean, he sent us some money?
690
00:24:29,943 --> 00:24:30,977
Nope.
691
00:24:31,078 --> 00:24:32,212
ROB: Then where did it come from?
692
00:24:32,312 --> 00:24:33,880
Well, I took back his engagement ring
693
00:24:33,980 --> 00:24:35,482
and got the money.
694
00:24:35,582 --> 00:24:37,517
I thought it was high time he started paying writers.
695
00:24:37,617 --> 00:24:38,585
Hey.
696
00:24:38,685 --> 00:24:39,753
Hey, Rob, you know any more cheap comics
697
00:24:39,853 --> 00:24:40,687
you can introduce her to?
698
00:24:40,787 --> 00:24:41,755
Don't do me any favors.
699
00:24:41,855 --> 00:24:42,689
Why Buddy?
700
00:24:42,789 --> 00:24:44,191
Well, look.
701
00:24:44,291 --> 00:24:46,059
Sal, if it's not too much wear and tear on your heart,
702
00:24:46,159 --> 00:24:47,661
we can make a lot of extra money this way.
703
00:24:47,761 --> 00:24:48,795
- You and her-- - Oh, come on!
704
00:24:52,499 --> 00:24:54,568
[music playing]
705
00:24:59,639 --> 00:25:03,143
[theme music]
48288
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