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ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show,"
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starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry
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Mathews, and Mary Tyler Moore.
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Here, dear. Here's mine.
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- Thank you. - Go and help your mother, Rich.
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Now, hold it. Hold it.
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We're not through.
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One more toast.
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Oh, Sam, you've already made nine toasts.
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Ah, you know what they call me at the lodge, Sam
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Petrie, the automatic toaster.
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Put a glass in my hand and I pop up.
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You've nothing in your glass.
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It's empty.
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It's not what's in your glass, dear.
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It's what's in your heart.
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I can toast with an empty hand.
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Oh, Sam.
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This is the big one, Clara.
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The-- oh, oh, oh--
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Oh, Rob, your father's about to make a toast
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that concerns you and Laura.
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Um, better-- better get Laura in here.
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OK.
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Hey, honey, would you come in here.
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Dad's going to make a special toast just for us.
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Ah, well, what's this all about?
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All right, now, everybody raise your glasses.
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Uh, Sam.
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Oh, young man, go to my car, look in the glove compartment,
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and bring me my flashlight.
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That's a good toast.
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Can I play taxi a little?
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Sure, you can play taxi.
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Oh boy.
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Uh, Dad, why do you need a flashlight?
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Because what I have to say is not for young ears.
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Oh.
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Now, come on, Sam.
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Beloved children, here's to our future home together.
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Are you moving in with us?
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You hear that, Clara.
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Well, of course not, honey.
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You aren't are you, Dad?
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No, of course not.
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We are planning on you and Laura moving in with us.
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I'm afraid I didn't understand a toast, Dad.
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We're really very happy here.
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Of course you are.
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Oh, Sam, you're such a tease when you have good news.
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Now, come on and tell the children the whole story.
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Ah. don't rush me, Clara.
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Don't rush me.
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Robbie, you remember that crazy insurance policy I had.
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Well, you mean the one you paid $0.58 a week on?
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Well, it finally came to maturity.
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So I've taken the money and I've made a little land investment.
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What kind of land did you buy?
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You remember the Rocky Meadow Golf Course?
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You bought a golf course?
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Well, no, a friend of mine did.
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So I bought a nice little piece of it from him.
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That's wonderful, Dad.
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But how much land did you buy?
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That policy could have been worth very much.
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It was worth $692.
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What-- that won't buy very much land, will it?
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Enough for all the Petrie's to lie down in comfort
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with room left over for pretty fancy headstones.
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Oh, you-- you bought a cemetery plot?
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Robbie, you remember the 15th hole along par 5?
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The one that had a dogleg to the right?
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That's the one.
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Well now, we are right at the dogleg,
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overlooking the water hazard.
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Your father always had such trouble with that hole.
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I couldn't beat it, so I bought it.
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It gives me such a wonderful feeling of security
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to know that when the time comes,
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I'll be surrounded by loved by my ones.
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We're putting your mother right in the middle.
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What do you say, Rob?
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[stuttering] It's a good idea, Dad.
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Laura and I just never discussed that aspect of life--
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or whatever it's-- [stuttering].
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Sure, now you don't have to.
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It's all taken care of.
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It, uh, uh-- what's the matter Laura?
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Laura, does this kind of talk upset you?
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Well, it-- it just kind of took me by surprise.
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I mean, I really wasn't prepared to--
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Laura, this is something all of us
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have to be prepared for at all times.
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Well, Dad, you see, frankly, I--
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You know, frankly, Dad, I don't think she was prepared
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to drink a toast to it.
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Yeah.
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Well, I-- I guess I did make it sound a little glamorous.
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Yeah, like we all couldn't wait to get there.
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Yeah, I'm in no hurry, believe me.
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And I think that subject should be dead--
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I think we should drop the subject [inaudible] for now.
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Anyway, we'd all be sure that we'll
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all be together on a 15th hole at Rocky Meadow Rest.
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Fore.
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Goodnight.
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Call you this weekend.
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[sighs]
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You know something, that was the most pleasant day we
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have ever spent with our folks.
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Wonder who's beginning to adjust to who.
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You know my mother actually complimented you on how
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neat the house was tonight?
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No, she didn't.
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Well, I mean, she didn't come out and say it.
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But it's the first time she hasn't picked up a rag
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and gone around dusting everything.
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That's true.
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Rob, are you aware of the fact that your mother
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and father have left us with a big problem?
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What problem?
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Well, I didn't want to say anything while they were here.
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And you've obviously forgotten.
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About what?
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My dowry.
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What dowry?
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All I remember is a $75 war bond.
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Yeah, well, besides the war bond,
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my mother and father gave us an adjoining plot next to them
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at Lexington Lawns.
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Oh-- oh-ho-- oh, that's why you weren't
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so thrilled about my dad's big surprise tonight, huh?
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[chuckling]
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Hey, how about that?
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We're a two-plot family now.
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This really isn't funny.
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I mean, I suppose it's not hilarious.
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But honey, it's not very serious either.
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All right, then, as long as you feel it's not
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a serious problem, then you tell your parents that we won't be
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a part of their foursome, hmm?
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Why should I do that?
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Oh, I guess you'd rather that I tell my mother and father--
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who, incidentally, had first call--
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that we won't be joining them, so to speak.
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Oh, I see what you mean.
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Well, I still say, honey, it's not very serious.
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We got plenty of time to decide where we're going to be buried.
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You didn't promise your folks, did you?
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No, no.
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Not officially.
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They just said it was there for us
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whenever we felt like using it.
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Well, I-- I wouldn't call that a commitment.
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And I didn't exactly promise my folks either,
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so the whole discussion here is not really necessary.
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We got plenty of time to settle it.
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Well, they're coming for dinner Friday.
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What do we say about it?
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Nothing, honey.
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They don't know that it's a competition yet.
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And they don't have to know.
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Maybe they never have to.
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How are you going to manage that?
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Well, I haven't told you, my dear,
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but I've been working on a longevity theorem.
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Oh, yeah.
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It's for you, Rob.
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Hello?
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How are you coming with your serum?
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ROB (ON PHONE): What serum?
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The longevity serum that's going to solve our problem.
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What happened?
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My father just called.
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It seems he played golf with your father.
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And when they got to the 15th hole,
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Oh, boy.
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Was he upset?
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Rob, he was really crushed.
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Well, honey, did you tell him that we-- we didn't decide yet.
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Decide what?
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Where to be buried.
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Honey, would you--
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I don't see why he has to get angry, you know,
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when we haven't even made a decision about it.
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Rob, he's angry that there's a decision to make.
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Look, they're coming to dinner tonight.
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Now, what are we going to do?
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I don't know right now.
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Let me think about it.
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And listen, you think too, will you.
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I'll call you back.
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Bye.
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Hey, uh, Rob, I don't want to be nosy,
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but how come a nice healthy fellow
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like you wants to get buried.
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Yeah, it's such a waste.
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It is just plain crazy.
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I've never heard of anybody who had this problem before.
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My dead Uncle Henry had it.
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What are you talking about?
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You're looking at the proud owner of two cemetery plots.
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You mean, you got another one beside the one
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the union gave us?
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Make that three.
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They-- wait a minute, make it four.
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I'm also a veteran.
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[whistles]
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Four plots, don't you think that's a bit gaudy?
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Well, wait, you can always build on the other three.
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You got to admit, it's pretty original.
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Original?
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It's adorable.
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Now, can we change the subject, please?
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Boy, thank goodness I got nothing to worry about.
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When my time comes, I'll be taken
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care of by my home food plan.
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I won't even have to leave the house.
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They'll just stick me in the freezer.
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Ah, Buddy, that's terrible.
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No, it isn't.
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I'll be wearing a mackinaw.
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Will you cut it out?
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Now, Cut it out, you ghouls.
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Hey Rob, beside the union and the Army,
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where else you got reservations?
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Well, let's see, my folks and Laura's folks
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have both extended invitations.
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You mean, they're fighting over who gets you?
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Well, they're going to if I don't
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figure some way out of it.
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Easy, you go with your folks, she'll go with her folks.
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No.
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No, married couples should be together.
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Oh, no, not Pickles and me.
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In the ceremony it says, till death do us part.
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And I'm grabbing it [inaudible].
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That's enough already, Buddy.
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Oh, no.
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I'm supposed to rest in peace.
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And besides, we've got a small freezer.
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Fellas-- fellas, I don't want to be a spoilsport, but please,
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this whole subject just doesn't thrill me huh?
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Believe me, I would never have brought the whole thing up,
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except I do have this problem of how
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to keep peace in my own family.
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Buy a mammoth food locker.
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Will you shut up.
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Or--
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Buddy, one more death joke and I'll kill you.
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Jeez, not today, we're defrosting.
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[yelling]
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Hey, listen, could you two guys
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come over to dinner tonight?
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What's the occasion?
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Well, Laura's folks are coming to dinner.
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And if you're there, they can't talk about the whole thing.
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Uh, count me out.
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I don't want to be there to stop people
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from talking about something I don't want to think about.
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But I'll be thinking about it, because I'll be stopping them
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from talking about it, you see.
263
00:10:05,313 --> 00:10:07,715
Uh, you're, uh-- you're not coming.
264
00:10:07,815 --> 00:10:09,117
You guessed it.
265
00:10:09,217 --> 00:10:10,017
I don't blame you much.
266
00:10:10,118 --> 00:10:11,018
How about you, Buddy?
267
00:10:11,119 --> 00:10:12,387
You wouldn't want me, Rob.
268
00:10:12,487 --> 00:10:13,721
Whenever there's something you're not supposed
269
00:10:13,821 --> 00:10:15,223
to talk about, I talk about it.
270
00:10:15,323 --> 00:10:17,859
OK, you two cowards, I'll face them by myself then.
271
00:10:17,959 --> 00:10:19,460
All right, look, fellas, could we
272
00:10:19,560 --> 00:10:21,763
please drop this morbid subject and get back to work, please.
273
00:10:21,863 --> 00:10:23,164
Gladly.
274
00:10:23,264 --> 00:10:25,633
All right, let's get some lines for a supermarket
275
00:10:25,733 --> 00:10:26,667
sketch with Alan. - Good.
276
00:10:26,768 --> 00:10:27,602
Wait a minute.
277
00:10:27,702 --> 00:10:29,003
Wait, I got it.
278
00:10:29,103 --> 00:10:31,139
Alan walks in the supermarket, and he says to the boss, hey,
279
00:10:31,239 --> 00:10:32,473
you got any empty boxes?
280
00:10:32,573 --> 00:10:33,541
[gasps]
281
00:10:37,879 --> 00:10:38,780
Hi, honey.
282
00:10:38,880 --> 00:10:40,148
Hi.
283
00:10:40,248 --> 00:10:41,349
How are your folks?
284
00:10:41,449 --> 00:10:43,151
They're in Ritchie's room.
285
00:10:43,251 --> 00:10:44,485
They say anything about anything?
286
00:10:44,585 --> 00:10:47,155
They have said nothing about nothing.
287
00:10:47,255 --> 00:10:49,390
I think the only one they're talking to is Rich.
288
00:10:49,490 --> 00:10:50,091
Why?
289
00:10:50,191 --> 00:10:51,058
That's ridiculous.
290
00:10:51,159 --> 00:10:52,527
They can't be that angry.
291
00:10:52,627 --> 00:10:55,463
Rob, they came in here, told me I look a little pale,
292
00:10:55,563 --> 00:10:57,732
and then went in to say hello to Ritchie's turtles.
293
00:10:57,832 --> 00:11:00,301
I think we're in for a very depressing evening.
294
00:11:00,401 --> 00:11:01,469
Well, don't worry about it, honey.
295
00:11:01,569 --> 00:11:03,204
I'll try and kid them out of it.
296
00:11:03,304 --> 00:11:06,007
If only your father hadn't said anything.
297
00:11:06,107 --> 00:11:07,341
How could you not say anything?
298
00:11:07,442 --> 00:11:09,510
You saw how excited he was with his big news.
299
00:11:09,610 --> 00:11:11,345
Well, as excited as your parents
300
00:11:11,446 --> 00:11:14,182
were, that's how depressed mine are.
301
00:11:14,282 --> 00:11:16,551
Well, I'll try and un-depress them I guess.
302
00:11:16,651 --> 00:11:17,518
How?
303
00:11:17,618 --> 00:11:18,619
Well, I'll tell them that we haven't
304
00:11:18,719 --> 00:11:19,554
made any commitment yet.
305
00:11:19,654 --> 00:11:20,655
We're up for grabs.
306
00:11:20,755 --> 00:11:24,892
Oh, that's not going to make them happy.
307
00:11:24,992 --> 00:11:28,162
Grandma and grandpa want to know if dinner's ready.
308
00:11:28,262 --> 00:11:29,497
You see.
309
00:11:29,597 --> 00:11:30,965
Ritchie, would you tell them that daddy's home?
310
00:11:31,065 --> 00:11:31,899
They know.
311
00:11:31,999 --> 00:11:32,934
They heard his car.
312
00:11:33,034 --> 00:11:33,968
Is dinner ready?
313
00:11:34,068 --> 00:11:35,169
Uh, yes, Ritchie.
314
00:11:35,269 --> 00:11:36,070
It's ready.
315
00:11:36,170 --> 00:11:37,205
No, Rich.
316
00:11:37,305 --> 00:11:39,373
It's not ready.
317
00:11:39,474 --> 00:11:42,109
That's no way to tell guests that dinner's ready.
318
00:11:42,210 --> 00:11:43,511
I'm sorry.
319
00:11:43,611 --> 00:11:44,946
Anyway, we're going to have hor d'oeuvres first.
320
00:11:45,046 --> 00:11:46,914
Can I play until the real food comes?
321
00:11:47,014 --> 00:11:48,449
Yes, dear, why don't you.
322
00:11:53,721 --> 00:11:55,223
Well, hi, folks.
323
00:11:55,323 --> 00:11:56,424
How are things?
324
00:11:59,026 --> 00:12:00,094
Well, how about a drink huh?
325
00:12:00,194 --> 00:12:01,028
Would you like a--
326
00:12:01,128 --> 00:12:02,663
No, thank you.
327
00:12:02,763 --> 00:12:05,066
Uh, you sound like you got a cold there, mom.
328
00:12:05,166 --> 00:12:06,467
I got something great for a cold over there.
329
00:12:06,567 --> 00:12:08,069
She doesn't have a cold.
330
00:12:08,169 --> 00:12:10,204
Oh, well, I thought she was sniffing there.
331
00:12:10,304 --> 00:12:13,040
Mother isn't sniffing because she has a cold.
332
00:12:13,140 --> 00:12:15,376
Mother, would you like an hor d'oeuvres?
333
00:12:15,476 --> 00:12:16,577
Mom, I made them myself.
334
00:12:16,677 --> 00:12:17,278
Yes, she did.
335
00:12:17,378 --> 00:12:18,746
She made them herself.
336
00:12:18,846 --> 00:12:20,014
She's quite a girl, that one. You ought to try them.
337
00:12:20,114 --> 00:12:21,015
They're delicious.
338
00:12:21,115 --> 00:12:22,149
Honey, what is that?
339
00:12:22,250 --> 00:12:23,651
That's wonderful. - Cream cheese.
340
00:12:23,751 --> 00:12:24,452
Mm, that's great.
341
00:12:24,552 --> 00:12:27,722
You ought to have one, mom.
342
00:12:27,822 --> 00:12:29,924
Mother hasn't been feeling well lately.
343
00:12:30,024 --> 00:12:30,858
Oh, really?
344
00:12:30,958 --> 00:12:32,126
Since when, mother?
345
00:12:32,226 --> 00:12:36,464
Since I got back from the golf course.
346
00:12:36,564 --> 00:12:39,667
Well, I-- I hope it's nothing serious.
347
00:12:39,767 --> 00:12:40,902
Serious?
348
00:12:41,002 --> 00:12:43,070
Who can say what's serious?
349
00:12:43,171 --> 00:12:44,305
[coughing]
350
00:12:44,405 --> 00:12:47,041
Folks, I'd like, if I may, to discuss
351
00:12:47,141 --> 00:12:49,577
the problem my father brought up on the 15th hole with you
352
00:12:49,677 --> 00:12:50,511
today.
353
00:12:50,611 --> 00:12:51,946
[crying]
354
00:12:53,381 --> 00:12:56,784
Rob, can I speak to you in the kitchen for a moment?
355
00:12:56,884 --> 00:12:58,753
Wherever you wish.
356
00:12:58,853 --> 00:13:02,023
Rob, what are you going to say to him.
357
00:13:02,123 --> 00:13:04,191
I'm just going to listen to what he says, obviously.
358
00:13:04,292 --> 00:13:05,459
He wants to get the whole thing settled.
359
00:13:05,560 --> 00:13:07,228
Rob, don't hurt him.
360
00:13:07,328 --> 00:13:08,596
Take care of your mother.
361
00:13:14,902 --> 00:13:15,770
Sit down, Rob.
362
00:13:15,870 --> 00:13:18,272
Oh, yes.
363
00:13:18,372 --> 00:13:20,107
You made a reference in there about your father
364
00:13:20,207 --> 00:13:21,842
and me playing golf together. - Yes.
365
00:13:21,943 --> 00:13:23,177
Yes, I did.
366
00:13:23,277 --> 00:13:25,680
And you specifically mentioned the 15th hole.
367
00:13:25,780 --> 00:13:27,081
Yeah.
368
00:13:27,181 --> 00:13:28,849
You're obviously alluding to the matter that was discussed
369
00:13:28,950 --> 00:13:30,084
between your father and me.
370
00:13:30,184 --> 00:13:31,552
Yeah, dad, as a matter of fact, I was.
371
00:13:31,652 --> 00:13:33,955
I'm glad you brought it up, because it gives me
372
00:13:34,055 --> 00:13:36,557
the opportunity right here and now to tell you that I
373
00:13:36,657 --> 00:13:37,858
don't want to talk about it.
374
00:13:37,959 --> 00:13:41,028
Well, I-- you don't want to talk about it?
375
00:13:41,128 --> 00:13:42,063
That's right.
376
00:13:42,163 --> 00:13:43,297
I don't want to talk about it.
377
00:13:43,397 --> 00:13:44,565
Well, why did you bring me in here?
378
00:13:44,665 --> 00:13:47,902
To tell you I don't want to talk about it.
379
00:13:48,002 --> 00:13:49,470
It's too painful a subject.
380
00:13:49,570 --> 00:13:53,040
Not for me, but I want to spare that woman
381
00:13:53,140 --> 00:13:54,875
in there-- that poor woman.
382
00:13:54,976 --> 00:13:57,278
Well, look, dad, I didn't want to talk about it either.
383
00:13:57,378 --> 00:13:58,746
But after seeing the way it's affected you two,
384
00:13:58,846 --> 00:14:00,047
I think we ought to talk about it.
385
00:14:00,147 --> 00:14:01,215
I don't want to talk about it.
386
00:14:01,315 --> 00:14:02,350
Well, I mean, that piece of land--
387
00:14:02,450 --> 00:14:04,385
You're talking about it.
388
00:14:04,485 --> 00:14:05,586
How are we going to settle anything
389
00:14:05,686 --> 00:14:07,121
if we don't talk about it?
390
00:14:07,221 --> 00:14:09,190
Rob, as far as that woman in there and I are concerned,
391
00:14:09,290 --> 00:14:10,358
it is settled.
392
00:14:10,458 --> 00:14:11,525
Obviously, it isn't settled or we
393
00:14:11,626 --> 00:14:12,493
wouldn't be talking about it.
394
00:14:12,593 --> 00:14:14,629
We're not talking about it.
395
00:14:14,729 --> 00:14:15,896
What are we talking about?
396
00:14:15,997 --> 00:14:18,833
Something I never wanted to talk about.
397
00:14:18,933 --> 00:14:19,934
What's that?
398
00:14:20,034 --> 00:14:22,103
Something that woman has felt for years.
399
00:14:22,203 --> 00:14:23,404
Well, can we talk about it?
400
00:14:23,504 --> 00:14:24,772
Maybe it's time we did.
401
00:14:29,977 --> 00:14:32,780
Rob, what are you serving us for dinner tonight?
402
00:14:32,880 --> 00:14:33,614
Huh?
403
00:14:33,714 --> 00:14:35,383
Now, just answer the question.
404
00:14:35,483 --> 00:14:37,118
What are you serving us for dinner?
405
00:14:37,218 --> 00:14:38,386
Well, uh, I don't know.
406
00:14:38,486 --> 00:14:40,388
I have to look and see.
407
00:14:40,488 --> 00:14:41,922
I don't know which--
408
00:14:42,023 --> 00:14:43,658
oh, roasted chicken.
409
00:14:43,758 --> 00:14:46,394
Mm, yeah, and when your parents were here,
410
00:14:46,494 --> 00:14:47,428
what did you serve them?
411
00:14:47,528 --> 00:14:48,896
Uh, I don't remember.
412
00:14:48,996 --> 00:14:50,965
You don't remember or you don't want to remember?
413
00:14:51,065 --> 00:14:52,800
Well, uh, steak.
414
00:14:52,900 --> 00:14:53,768
There's your answer.
415
00:14:53,868 --> 00:14:57,972
They're steak, and we're chicken.
416
00:14:58,072 --> 00:14:59,106
Wait a minute.
417
00:14:59,206 --> 00:15:00,241
Are you trying to say Laura and I
418
00:15:00,341 --> 00:15:01,609
put my mother and father above you
419
00:15:01,709 --> 00:15:03,144
and-- and that woman in there?
420
00:15:03,244 --> 00:15:05,046
I don't want to talk about it.
421
00:15:05,146 --> 00:15:06,013
Oh, I'm sorry.
422
00:15:06,113 --> 00:15:08,949
No, you're not.
423
00:15:09,050 --> 00:15:10,084
What did you say to him?
424
00:15:10,184 --> 00:15:11,786
I didn't say anything.
425
00:15:11,886 --> 00:15:13,254
Well, then, what did he say to you?
426
00:15:13,354 --> 00:15:15,156
I don't want to talk about it.
427
00:15:15,256 --> 00:15:17,124
Rob, we've got to talk about it.
428
00:15:17,224 --> 00:15:18,025
Not me, honey.
429
00:15:18,125 --> 00:15:19,060
That's what he said.
430
00:15:19,160 --> 00:15:21,262
I don't want to talk about it.
431
00:15:21,362 --> 00:15:22,530
I want to talk about it.
432
00:15:22,630 --> 00:15:23,264
He didn't want to talk about it, honey.
433
00:15:23,364 --> 00:15:24,832
It's silly.
434
00:15:24,932 --> 00:15:26,200
We've got to figure out some way to get this whole thing out
435
00:15:26,300 --> 00:15:27,401
into the open.
436
00:15:27,501 --> 00:15:28,769
Well, don't worry about it, darling.
437
00:15:28,869 --> 00:15:30,337
In about a half an hour, the whole thing
438
00:15:30,438 --> 00:15:32,273
is going to explode wide open.
439
00:15:32,373 --> 00:15:33,507
What did your mother say?
440
00:15:33,607 --> 00:15:35,176
No, dear, not my mother, your mother.
441
00:15:35,276 --> 00:15:36,510
My mother?
442
00:15:36,610 --> 00:15:37,978
She just called to say that in a half an hour
443
00:15:38,079 --> 00:15:42,983
she and your father are coming over to talk about it.
444
00:15:43,084 --> 00:15:44,018
Any suggestions?
445
00:15:44,118 --> 00:15:45,786
I don't want to talk about it.
446
00:15:52,226 --> 00:15:53,327
Why are you making dessert?
447
00:15:53,427 --> 00:15:54,495
They're not going to eat anything.
448
00:15:54,595 --> 00:15:55,796
Well, I know.
449
00:15:55,896 --> 00:15:57,531
But if we don't serve them a fancy dessert
450
00:15:57,631 --> 00:16:00,968
they can turn down, they'll be sure we don't love them.
451
00:16:01,068 --> 00:16:02,970
You know, I don't know how you turned out so nice.
452
00:16:03,070 --> 00:16:04,271
Your folks are impossible.
453
00:16:04,371 --> 00:16:07,742
Well, they're just sensitive.
454
00:16:07,842 --> 00:16:09,610
Listen, why did you kick me when I started to tell them
455
00:16:09,710 --> 00:16:10,778
that your folks were coming?
456
00:16:10,878 --> 00:16:12,446
Because, honey, the mood they're in,
457
00:16:12,546 --> 00:16:14,648
they would have got right up and walked out of here.
458
00:16:14,749 --> 00:16:17,051
I think it's time we got this whole thing settled right now.
459
00:16:17,151 --> 00:16:18,452
It's not those cemetery plots.
460
00:16:18,552 --> 00:16:19,653
They're secondary.
461
00:16:19,754 --> 00:16:21,055
It's our whole relationship with them
462
00:16:21,155 --> 00:16:22,490
that needs straightening out.
463
00:16:22,590 --> 00:16:23,758
And I think we ought to get it out in the open right
464
00:16:23,858 --> 00:16:24,558
here and now.
465
00:16:24,658 --> 00:16:25,826
Well, I agree too, darling.
466
00:16:25,926 --> 00:16:27,495
But I think that we ought to give
467
00:16:27,595 --> 00:16:29,597
my folks the courtesy of leaving if they want to leave.
468
00:16:29,697 --> 00:16:32,066
After all, your parents know that mine are here.
469
00:16:32,166 --> 00:16:33,634
Yeah, you're right.
470
00:16:33,734 --> 00:16:36,370
Yeah, I guess they're in no mood for any surprises tonight.
471
00:16:36,470 --> 00:16:37,738
OK, I'll tell them.
472
00:16:37,838 --> 00:16:39,507
I better take some fancy dessert in there
473
00:16:39,607 --> 00:16:41,075
to kind of pave the way for me.
474
00:16:46,080 --> 00:16:46,814
[sighs]
475
00:16:46,914 --> 00:16:48,983
Well, here we are, dessert time.
476
00:16:49,083 --> 00:16:49,984
[doorbell rings]
477
00:16:50,084 --> 00:16:53,020
And by the way, my folks are coming.
478
00:16:53,120 --> 00:16:53,988
Your parents?
479
00:16:54,088 --> 00:16:55,556
I think they're here now.
480
00:16:55,656 --> 00:16:57,158
Mother, get your things.
481
00:16:57,258 --> 00:16:58,225
Oh, dad, come on.
482
00:16:58,325 --> 00:16:59,727
Please don't leave.
483
00:16:59,827 --> 00:17:02,430
Look, I made your favorite dessert, strawberry parfait.
484
00:17:02,530 --> 00:17:04,165
Mother, talk to him.
485
00:17:04,265 --> 00:17:05,299
Where did we go wrong?
486
00:17:05,399 --> 00:17:06,534
Oh.
487
00:17:09,370 --> 00:17:10,204
Hi, folks.
488
00:17:10,304 --> 00:17:11,172
Well, Rob.
489
00:17:11,272 --> 00:17:12,106
[interposing voices]
490
00:17:12,206 --> 00:17:13,541
Good to see you.
491
00:17:13,641 --> 00:17:15,342
Well, may you say the same on your 100th birthday,
492
00:17:15,442 --> 00:17:17,678
and may I be here to say thank you.
493
00:17:17,778 --> 00:17:19,213
Why hello there, Meehan, Mrs. Meehan.
494
00:17:19,313 --> 00:17:21,816
Dan, Clara, don't bother to close the door, Rob.
495
00:17:21,916 --> 00:17:22,550
We're leaving.
496
00:17:22,650 --> 00:17:23,584
Oh, dad, please.
497
00:17:23,684 --> 00:17:24,652
You don't have to go.
498
00:17:24,752 --> 00:17:25,986
Oh, stay just a little while.
499
00:17:26,086 --> 00:17:27,688
Uh, honey, put up a pot of fresh coffee, huh?
500
00:17:27,788 --> 00:17:30,925
Sure, now they'll have some fresh coffee.
501
00:17:33,594 --> 00:17:35,896
Say, uh, Meehan, did you tell the kids what happened
502
00:17:35,996 --> 00:17:37,231
on the golf course today. [cries]
503
00:17:37,331 --> 00:17:38,265
I don't want to talk about it.
504
00:17:38,365 --> 00:17:39,667
Oh, you know, I don't blame you.
505
00:17:39,767 --> 00:17:41,502
If I was beaten by 10 strokes, I don't think I'd
506
00:17:41,602 --> 00:17:42,803
want to talk about it either.
507
00:17:42,903 --> 00:17:44,138
Oh, I don't believe you.
508
00:17:44,238 --> 00:17:46,841
Dad's always been a much better golfer than you.
509
00:17:46,941 --> 00:17:47,775
Well, he is.
510
00:17:47,875 --> 00:17:49,510
Matter of fact, he was beating me.
511
00:17:49,610 --> 00:17:51,846
And then suddenly, on the 15th hole--
512
00:17:51,946 --> 00:17:52,847
[cries]
513
00:17:53,581 --> 00:17:55,449
--he blew sky high.
514
00:17:55,549 --> 00:17:56,483
15th hole.
515
00:17:56,584 --> 00:17:58,085
Oh, it's a tough hole, honey.
516
00:17:58,185 --> 00:18:01,021
He was taking divets so deep, you could have buried a person.
517
00:18:04,859 --> 00:18:06,126
My dear, we're going.
518
00:18:06,227 --> 00:18:07,595
Wh-- wh-- wait a minute.
519
00:18:07,695 --> 00:18:09,029
I don't think leaving is going to accomplish anything.
520
00:18:09,129 --> 00:18:11,165
I don't want that woman upset by this kind of talk.
521
00:18:11,265 --> 00:18:12,500
Oh, dad.
522
00:18:12,600 --> 00:18:13,934
I'm sure he didn't mean it the way it sounded.
523
00:18:14,034 --> 00:18:15,002
Oh, yes, I did.
524
00:18:15,102 --> 00:18:16,437
Now there's enough beating around the bush.
525
00:18:16,537 --> 00:18:18,339
I would like to discuss our plans
526
00:18:18,439 --> 00:18:21,642
for here after here and now.
527
00:18:21,742 --> 00:18:23,844
Richie, take your grandmother to your room
528
00:18:23,944 --> 00:18:24,945
and show her your turtles.
529
00:18:25,045 --> 00:18:27,014
Yeah, OK.
530
00:18:27,114 --> 00:18:29,149
I don't want to see your turtles.
531
00:18:29,250 --> 00:18:30,217
Oh, not that one.
532
00:18:30,317 --> 00:18:31,118
That one.
533
00:18:31,218 --> 00:18:32,553
Oh, come one grandma.
534
00:18:32,653 --> 00:18:33,888
And don't drop him on the floor.
535
00:18:33,988 --> 00:18:34,822
They'll die.
536
00:18:34,922 --> 00:18:36,156
Oh!
537
00:18:36,257 --> 00:18:39,693
Say, Robby, is what your father-in-law told
538
00:18:39,793 --> 00:18:41,195
me on the golf course today--
539
00:18:41,295 --> 00:18:43,030
Please, that poor woman has been through enough today.
540
00:18:43,130 --> 00:18:44,932
Can't we just sit down and discuss
541
00:18:45,032 --> 00:18:46,300
this calmly and intelligently?
542
00:18:46,400 --> 00:18:47,701
Rob is right.
543
00:18:47,801 --> 00:18:49,036
There is absolutely no--
544
00:18:49,136 --> 00:18:50,638
There is no need for any kind of discussion
545
00:18:50,738 --> 00:18:51,605
as far as I can see.
546
00:18:51,705 --> 00:18:52,539
Oh, isn't there?
547
00:18:52,640 --> 00:18:54,108
The facts are clear.
548
00:18:54,208 --> 00:18:56,110
We Meehans have had a family resting place
549
00:18:56,210 --> 00:18:58,379
at Lexington long since the time of the revolution.
550
00:18:58,479 --> 00:19:01,582
But dad, our family came over in 1916.
551
00:19:01,682 --> 00:19:02,516
That's right.
552
00:19:02,616 --> 00:19:05,019
The Irish revolution.
553
00:19:05,119 --> 00:19:06,987
What's that got to do with anything?
554
00:19:07,087 --> 00:19:08,923
Only that the provisions we made
555
00:19:09,023 --> 00:19:11,392
are sound and have a fine tradition behind them.
556
00:19:11,492 --> 00:19:14,828
Are you saying that my burial plot is some kind of a joke?
557
00:19:14,929 --> 00:19:16,864
Well, what would you say to being buried
558
00:19:16,964 --> 00:19:18,299
in the middle of a golf course?
559
00:19:18,399 --> 00:19:21,535
I'd say it was sporting.
560
00:19:21,635 --> 00:19:22,536
It's grotesque.
561
00:19:22,636 --> 00:19:23,737
Grotesque?
562
00:19:23,837 --> 00:19:25,506
But even if it were Mount Olympus it
563
00:19:25,606 --> 00:19:26,774
wouldn't change a thing.
564
00:19:26,874 --> 00:19:28,909
Slamming tables is no argument, Meehan.
565
00:19:29,009 --> 00:19:31,445
All right, then what about this one?
566
00:19:31,545 --> 00:19:35,015
The day that boy and that girl had their wedding reception,
567
00:19:35,115 --> 00:19:38,485
that woman in there and I offered them an eternal home
568
00:19:38,586 --> 00:19:40,087
with us, and they accepted.
569
00:19:40,187 --> 00:19:41,555
Dah, that's impossible.
570
00:19:41,655 --> 00:19:43,190
Tell him he's cock-eyed, son. - dad?
571
00:19:43,290 --> 00:19:44,158
All right, I'll tell him.
572
00:19:44,258 --> 00:19:47,328
Meehan, you are cock-eyed.
573
00:19:47,428 --> 00:19:50,798
Two nights ago at this very table, we looked up the deal
574
00:19:50,898 --> 00:19:52,967
and we even drank a toast to it.
575
00:19:56,036 --> 00:19:58,606
You got whipped cream all over your face.
576
00:19:58,706 --> 00:19:59,807
That doesn't change a thing.
577
00:19:59,907 --> 00:20:00,808
For once, you're right.
578
00:20:00,908 --> 00:20:02,042
It doesn't change anything.
579
00:20:02,142 --> 00:20:03,610
We asked them first and they accepted.
580
00:20:03,711 --> 00:20:05,346
A commitment is a commitment.
581
00:20:05,446 --> 00:20:06,347
A toast is a toast.
582
00:20:06,447 --> 00:20:07,247
Dad?
583
00:20:07,348 --> 00:20:08,349
Priority is nothing.
584
00:20:08,449 --> 00:20:09,683
Priority my foot.
585
00:20:09,783 --> 00:20:10,985
A son is a son. - Dad?
586
00:20:11,085 --> 00:20:11,986
Shut up.
587
00:20:12,086 --> 00:20:13,420
- And a daughter is a daughter. - Dad?
588
00:20:13,520 --> 00:20:14,455
- Shut up. - Rob?
589
00:20:14,555 --> 00:20:15,456
Shut up
590
00:20:15,556 --> 00:20:16,790
Who you telling to shut up?
591
00:20:16,890 --> 00:20:19,159
Now look here, I told you for the last time
592
00:20:19,259 --> 00:20:20,160
I don't want to talk--
593
00:20:20,260 --> 00:20:23,697
I haven't finished talking about it.
594
00:20:23,797 --> 00:20:25,199
[interposing voices]
595
00:20:25,299 --> 00:20:26,900
[whistling]
596
00:20:27,735 --> 00:20:30,004
May I say something, please?
597
00:20:30,104 --> 00:20:31,338
Please do.
598
00:20:31,438 --> 00:20:35,142
This whole discussion is absolutely ridiculous, arguing
599
00:20:35,242 --> 00:20:38,312
about who promised who what first, who toasted the what,
600
00:20:38,412 --> 00:20:41,849
who has priority, what as dig me, who goes where when.
601
00:20:41,949 --> 00:20:44,685
There's only one way to make everybody happy.
602
00:20:44,785 --> 00:20:48,355
I'll go with my folks or I'll go with her folks.
603
00:20:48,455 --> 00:20:49,990
Rob, what are saying?
604
00:20:50,090 --> 00:20:51,325
Honey, what are you going to do?
605
00:20:51,425 --> 00:20:52,826
That's what they want. It'll make them happy.
606
00:20:52,926 --> 00:20:54,361
They want us to split up, we'll split up.
607
00:20:54,461 --> 00:20:55,295
Daddy?
608
00:20:55,396 --> 00:20:56,497
What Rich?
609
00:20:56,597 --> 00:20:57,965
Are you and mommy going to split up?
610
00:20:58,065 --> 00:20:59,933
No, Rich we're not going to split up.
611
00:21:00,034 --> 00:21:02,036
No, no, no, no, darling, daddy didn't mean that.
612
00:21:02,136 --> 00:21:04,438
But where's daddy going without you?
613
00:21:04,538 --> 00:21:05,839
No where, Rich.
614
00:21:05,939 --> 00:21:07,041
Now, why don't you go back and play with grandma.
615
00:21:07,141 --> 00:21:08,709
- But daddy-- - Please, Rich.
616
00:21:08,809 --> 00:21:10,677
Do you and daddy still love each other?
617
00:21:10,778 --> 00:21:12,579
Oh, Rich, of course we do.
618
00:21:12,679 --> 00:21:15,549
Good.
619
00:21:15,649 --> 00:21:17,151
Did you hear that?
620
00:21:17,251 --> 00:21:20,621
My son asked if Rob and I still love each other.
621
00:21:20,721 --> 00:21:21,922
Now, I don't know the answer to this,
622
00:21:22,022 --> 00:21:23,857
but something here seems very wrong.
623
00:21:23,957 --> 00:21:24,992
Well one thing is very, very wrong
624
00:21:25,092 --> 00:21:26,260
is we've all lost our perspective.
625
00:21:26,360 --> 00:21:27,861
Those stupid burial plots have become
626
00:21:27,961 --> 00:21:29,430
a test to see who loves who.
627
00:21:29,530 --> 00:21:32,766
So far, all it's brought about is animosity.
628
00:21:32,866 --> 00:21:35,002
The truth is we love you all.
629
00:21:35,102 --> 00:21:36,904
I love my parents more Laura does.
630
00:21:37,004 --> 00:21:38,505
She loves hers more than I do.
631
00:21:38,605 --> 00:21:40,007
But it's all evens out.
632
00:21:40,107 --> 00:21:42,276
The thing is we shouldn't be concerned, first of all,
633
00:21:42,376 --> 00:21:45,312
with who gets a steak and who gets chicken
634
00:21:45,412 --> 00:21:47,648
or least of all who gets us.
635
00:21:47,748 --> 00:21:50,317
If we can just live our lives with a little love
636
00:21:50,417 --> 00:21:51,618
and understanding.
637
00:21:51,719 --> 00:21:53,087
It doesn't make any difference whether we
638
00:21:53,187 --> 00:21:56,824
go to Lexington Lawns or Rocky Meadow or Grant's Tomb.
639
00:21:56,924 --> 00:21:59,293
We all end up in the same place.
640
00:21:59,393 --> 00:22:00,327
I'm finished.
641
00:22:03,497 --> 00:22:06,700
Well, he speaks sense.
642
00:22:06,800 --> 00:22:07,734
He's a smart boy.
643
00:22:07,835 --> 00:22:11,739
Married my daughter didn't he.
644
00:22:11,839 --> 00:22:16,276
We never had anything against Laura, really.
645
00:22:16,376 --> 00:22:20,147
It's just that we didn't know you had any other plans.
646
00:22:20,247 --> 00:22:24,284
Now, anything you decide is OK with us.
647
00:22:24,384 --> 00:22:25,385
How about you, Meehan?
648
00:22:25,486 --> 00:22:27,688
Frankly, I never cared one way or another.
649
00:22:27,788 --> 00:22:31,191
It's that woman in there.
650
00:22:31,291 --> 00:22:31,992
Don't you worry.
651
00:22:32,092 --> 00:22:33,427
I'll take care of her.
652
00:22:33,527 --> 00:22:35,229
I'll make her understand.
653
00:22:35,329 --> 00:22:37,131
That's very, very nice of all of you.
654
00:22:37,231 --> 00:22:38,999
I want you to know whatever Laura and I decide
655
00:22:39,099 --> 00:22:40,734
is because we love you all.
656
00:22:40,834 --> 00:22:41,668
Why, of course.
657
00:22:41,769 --> 00:22:43,070
[interposing voices]
658
00:22:43,170 --> 00:22:45,706
Just don't let it drag on because neither Meehan
659
00:22:45,806 --> 00:22:49,309
or myself would like to think that when the time came you
660
00:22:49,409 --> 00:22:51,879
kids would have to walk the streets.
661
00:22:58,018 --> 00:23:01,488
Mr. Brooks, I know it's very quiet there.
662
00:23:01,588 --> 00:23:02,723
I know Peaceful Haven.
663
00:23:02,823 --> 00:23:03,891
I've seen your ads and your billboards.
664
00:23:03,991 --> 00:23:05,225
Peaceful Haven?
665
00:23:05,325 --> 00:23:07,461
I wish your parents and my parents
666
00:23:07,561 --> 00:23:11,131
would stop recommending us.
667
00:23:11,231 --> 00:23:13,467
I'm sure, Mr Brooks, it is very, very lovely there.
668
00:23:13,567 --> 00:23:15,969
But the union and also the Veterans Administration
669
00:23:16,069 --> 00:23:18,172
have places for me.
670
00:23:18,272 --> 00:23:19,673
Well, that may be true, that may be true.
671
00:23:19,773 --> 00:23:23,477
But my wife and I happen to like crowds.
672
00:23:23,577 --> 00:23:26,180
Well, I'm sure they'll find some kind of a container.
673
00:23:26,280 --> 00:23:29,249
The army wouldn't throw me in an old barracks bag would they?
674
00:23:29,349 --> 00:23:30,184
Rob!
675
00:23:30,284 --> 00:23:31,018
I don't care.
676
00:23:31,118 --> 00:23:32,686
He's making me mad.
677
00:23:32,786 --> 00:23:34,254
Mr Brooks, thank you for calling.
678
00:23:34,354 --> 00:23:35,355
I no.
679
00:23:35,455 --> 00:23:38,859
Goodbye Mr-- No kidding.
680
00:23:38,959 --> 00:23:40,761
No that doesn't change a thing, Mr Brooks.
681
00:23:40,861 --> 00:23:43,030
Goodbye, Mr Brooks.
682
00:23:43,130 --> 00:23:43,997
How do you like that.
683
00:23:44,097 --> 00:23:45,499
They have a layaway plan.
684
00:23:49,036 --> 00:23:52,206
You pay now and you go later.
685
00:23:52,306 --> 00:23:54,775
Well, we better tell the folks that we have our plots.
686
00:23:54,875 --> 00:23:58,145
Mommy, what's a plots?
687
00:23:58,245 --> 00:24:00,013
Uh, Rob?
688
00:24:00,113 --> 00:24:02,182
Well, Rich, it's plot, plot.
689
00:24:02,282 --> 00:24:04,618
Oh, well, what's a plot?
690
00:24:04,718 --> 00:24:07,154
Well, Rich, a plot is--
691
00:24:07,254 --> 00:24:09,289
it's where you would go when you die, Rich.
692
00:24:09,389 --> 00:24:11,992
I thought when you die you go to heaven.
693
00:24:12,092 --> 00:24:14,361
Well, you do, you do go to heaven, Rich.
694
00:24:14,461 --> 00:24:17,197
But a plot is kind of like a launching pad.
695
00:24:17,297 --> 00:24:18,198
Zoom!
696
00:24:21,668 --> 00:24:23,604
Oh, you mean like a rocket.
697
00:24:23,704 --> 00:24:24,538
Zoom!
698
00:24:24,638 --> 00:24:26,440
Yeah, that's right.
699
00:24:26,540 --> 00:24:28,408
Or in some cases, zoom!
700
00:24:33,580 --> 00:24:38,352
[theme music]
49622
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