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[MUSIC - THEME, "THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW"]
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ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show,"
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starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry
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Matthew, and Mary Tyler Moore.
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OK, everybody, why don't you come over here and sit down.
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Bring your coffee.
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OK, wonderful, thank you.
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Mel, come right over here and sit down, lean back and relax.
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Thank you, Rob.
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Laura, you're a wonderful cook.
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I don't know when I've enjoyed a better meal.
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I don't either.
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Really pays to fuss.
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As a matter of fact, this has been a very pleasant evening.
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Well, thank you, Mel.
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You're very sweet to say so.
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Honey, stop bowing.
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The only reason Mel's happy is because Buddy isn't here.
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You promised you wouldn't mention that name.
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You know, everybody's been so nice to me,
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I think I ought to send my wife out of town more often.
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It's your wife's sister that had the baby.
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First one.
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I talked with my wife this morning
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and we have a lovely niece.
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That's a lucky baby.
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What do you mean lucky?
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Oh, you've never met my sister-in-law.
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ROB: Oh, what does she look like?
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A lot like my brother-in-law.
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Well, is that the one that Buddy calls Godzilla?
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That's the one.
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Yeah.
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But the baby's gorgeous.
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I highly suspect they gave him the wrong child.
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The wrong child?
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Did I say something funny?
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You sure did.
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You just said you highly suspect the hospital
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gave him the wrong child.
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But that's impossible, right Rob?
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Well--
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True, Mel, if you have any questions on the subject,
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ask Rob.
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He's kind of an expert.
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Oh, really?
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MILLIE: Oh, sure.
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Rob, tell Mel what happened when you brought
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Ritchie home from the hospital.
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No, no.
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Nobody wants to hear that. - Yes, they do.
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What happened?
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JERRY: Tell him.
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It was nothing.
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It was a silly mistake.
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It was just nothing.
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Nothing?
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He just decided they had the wrong baby, that's all.
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He didn't.
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He did.
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You didn't!
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I did.
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Now, wait a minute, Mel.
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If you'd been in my position and collected all the evidence
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that I did, you would begin to believe also that the hospital
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gave you the wrong baby.
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I never heard of anybody getting the wrong baby.
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What was this evidence?
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Well, let's see.
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First, well, it was the blue foot.
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You remember that, Jerry.
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What blue foot.
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Well, Jerry--
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Darling, why don't you just start at the beginning.
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OK.
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Well, you see, Jerry and I had gone to the hospital
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to bring Laura and Ritchie home.
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You know how hectic that first day can be.
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Well, I was no worse than any other father,
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no more nervous, no less nervous.
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Rob.
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Rob.
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Rob. I'm fine.
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I'm all right. I'm all right.
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Darling, aren't you feeling better?
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I'm just fine, just fine.
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Let's stop all this gabbing.
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Honey, sit down.
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You shouldn't be standing up.
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Sit.
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Please, we've got an awful lot to do.
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Jerry.
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You got a lot to do.
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Like fainting again.
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Jerry, I didn't faint.
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I just got a little dizzy on that elevator trip up here.
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Rob, we're only on the second floor.
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I went all the way to the 10th floor.
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Why?
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I got stuck with an emergency appendectomy.
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They wouldn't let me off.
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OK.
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All right, now.
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Jerry, start grabbing things.
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Right.
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Rob, did you eat anything today?
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Of course I ate, honey.
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What?
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Pretzel, potato chips, and a bottle of sour milk.
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Where on Earth did you buy sour milk?
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You don't buy it, honey.
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There's 12 bottles of it on the back porch.
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Would you do me a favor, darling.
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Please eat this apple for my sake.
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OK, honey, I'll eat it later.
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Right now I'm just fine.
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All right Jerry, you get the bag.
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- I got it. - You got the flowers.
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- I got it. - Did I pack that?
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Yes, you did.
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Oh, that's all right, I'll just take it, honey.
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- Now I can take these-- - No, no.
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I'll take them, honey. Give them to me.
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I'll take them.
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You're not carrying anything.
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Put the giraffe neck under my neck.
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OK.
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Did you pay the bill?
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I payed the bill. Jerry, you got it?
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JERRY: I got it.
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All right, that is just about everything, huh?
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How about the baby?
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Aw, only a mother would think of that.
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[knocking]
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Come in.
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Oh, that's probably it now.
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Let me see, let me see that cute little bundle of sheets.
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We need to make up this room right away, please.
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- What's that for? - Hospital rules.
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Patients have to ride out.
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Good rule, good rule.
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Honey, wait, I'll help you.
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I can do it.
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Grab that thumb.
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Easy, take it easy.
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Here's your baby, Mrs. Petrie.
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Ah, ha!
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Let me see, let me see.
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Watch for the head.
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Let me see that boy.
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Oh, hi, son.
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I'll be right back with the baby's records.
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Thank you.
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Honey, you shouldn't be exert-- you
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shouldn't be carrying the baby.
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Jerry, put that stuff down.
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Darling, it's silly.
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Take that.
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I got it.
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Oh Rob, darling, let me carry the baby.
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Take the box of candy.
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Right.
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Oh no, this goes under your chin.
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Oh.
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Watch his head.
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OK.
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OK, honey, sit down in the chair.
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OK.
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Comfortable? - Yes.
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All right, Jer, have you got anything?
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- Yeah, yeah. - All right.
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Good, we're all set? - All set.
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- Go. - OK.
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Jer?
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- Darling. - Let me see.
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Why don't you give me the baby.
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No, honey.
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Look you take the baby.
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OK, Jer.
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Get-- no, I'll get that stuff.
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That goes under your arm.
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I'm sorry, this has been such a busy day.
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Now these are the baby's records.
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You must put them in a safe place.
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Mr--
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Would you put that in my breast pocket, please?
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Right there.
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Yes, of course.
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I'm so sorry.
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Mrs. Petrie, I have your valuables right here.
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Would you check them please?
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Oh no.
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These aren't mine, I had just a watch.
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Oh, stupid.
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Room 203.
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Busy, busy, busy.
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Here is room 208.
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That's it.
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Yes, well, goodbye Mr. and Mrs. Petrie,
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and I wish you a lot of luck with her.
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Her?
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Oh, I'm sorry, him.
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Baby boy Peters.
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No, Petrie.
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Whatever.
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Please don't come, make up Mrs. Petrie's room.
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But we're the Petries.
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Well, whatever.
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They're leaving today, too.
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Boy will I be glad when this day is over.
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How'd you like that, tiger.
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She thought you were a girl.
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But what a madhouse this place is.
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Let's get out of here, ready? - Ready.
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OK, honey. Come on.
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Let's go.
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No, Rob, the nurse will do it.
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Oh.
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I'm so glad you haven't left.
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Look what just came for you.
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There's a chain.
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Put them here.
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Hang them over my neck.
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How does that feel?
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Fine.
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Fine.
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You're going to be proud of her.
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Him, him.
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Well, whatever.
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You mean just because of those little mix ups,
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you thought you had the wrong baby.
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Oh no, the things that happened at the hospital
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were just a preview of things to come.
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What happened?
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Well, I really don't know what was going on
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in Rob's feverish mind, because at the time Millie
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and I were busy taking care of the baby.
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Well, you know something, Jerry?
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This is getting to me.
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I think I'm a premature father.
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JERRY: Rob, why don't you eat something?
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Yeah.
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Come on, Rob, sit down, relax.
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All right.
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Oh, boy, what a day.
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Exhausted.
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Well listen, that hospital could wear anybody out.
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I never saw such confusion.
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Yeah.
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Jer, who do you think the baby looks like?
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I don't know.
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How can you tell at this age?
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I mean their looks change every day.
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Now that first day he looked like you.
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Yeah.
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Then a little later he looked something like Laura.
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And then today coming home in the cab,
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he looked a lot like Ralph Maronti.
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Who's Ralph Martoni?
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The cab driver.
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Didn't you see his picture.
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Little pudgy, bald guy.
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Rob, listen.
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All newborn babies look like Ralph Martoni.
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I mean, the hospital could give you any kid,
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and you wouldn't know the difference.
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Yeah, my grandmother warned me about that.
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Rob, that's some baby.
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Oh, thanks, Mel.
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Hey, Mel?
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Who do you think the baby looks like?
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Well, the first time I saw him,
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I thought he was the image of you.
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Yeah?
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But today.
277
00:08:54,375 --> 00:08:55,977
He looks a lot like Laura?
278
00:08:56,077 --> 00:08:59,514
No, he doesn't look like either one of you.
279
00:08:59,614 --> 00:09:01,649
Ralph Martoni.
280
00:09:01,749 --> 00:09:02,884
Nothing, Mill.
281
00:09:02,984 --> 00:09:04,285
Forget it.
282
00:09:04,385 --> 00:09:05,386
Jerry, you want to give me a hand in the kitchen?
283
00:09:05,486 --> 00:09:06,854
Do I have an alternative?
284
00:09:06,954 --> 00:09:08,256
No.
285
00:09:08,356 --> 00:09:11,092
Then I think I'll give you a hand in the kitchen.
286
00:09:11,192 --> 00:09:13,728
Oh, Rob, do we have a baby!
287
00:09:13,828 --> 00:09:15,229
Do you know what he's been doing in there?
288
00:09:15,329 --> 00:09:16,898
- What? - Nothing.
289
00:09:16,998 --> 00:09:18,433
He doesn't cry or anything.
290
00:09:18,533 --> 00:09:20,435
He's just the best baby, Rob.
291
00:09:20,535 --> 00:09:22,804
I just been standing there, staring at him.
292
00:09:22,904 --> 00:09:26,441
I can't believe he's ours.
293
00:09:26,541 --> 00:09:28,843
What?
294
00:09:28,943 --> 00:09:32,013
You know, that he's actually, home and that he's ours.
295
00:09:32,113 --> 00:09:33,014
Oh.
296
00:09:33,114 --> 00:09:36,384
And he looks so different.
297
00:09:36,484 --> 00:09:37,718
Huh?
298
00:09:37,819 --> 00:09:39,554
I don't know, in his own little bassinet,
299
00:09:39,654 --> 00:09:42,557
he just looks like a different baby.
300
00:09:42,657 --> 00:09:43,591
[doorbell]
301
00:09:43,691 --> 00:09:44,559
I wonder who it is?
302
00:09:44,659 --> 00:09:46,727
So do I.
303
00:09:46,828 --> 00:09:48,663
Well, go see.
304
00:09:48,763 --> 00:09:51,332
I will.
305
00:09:51,432 --> 00:09:53,935
Rob?
306
00:09:54,035 --> 00:09:55,002
Front door?
307
00:09:55,103 --> 00:09:56,204
Oh.
308
00:10:01,175 --> 00:10:02,043
Hi, Rob!
309
00:10:02,143 --> 00:10:03,344
Sally.
310
00:10:03,444 --> 00:10:05,113
I'll see you later, you're only the father.
311
00:10:05,213 --> 00:10:06,180
Hey, why don't you eat something?
312
00:10:06,280 --> 00:10:07,548
You look terrible.
313
00:10:07,648 --> 00:10:08,916
Hi, Laura.
314
00:10:09,016 --> 00:10:11,452
[horn honing]
315
00:10:11,552 --> 00:10:12,487
Whee!
316
00:10:15,289 --> 00:10:16,657
Hiya, pop.
317
00:10:16,757 --> 00:10:17,592
Hi.
318
00:10:17,692 --> 00:10:18,593
Is that for us?
319
00:10:18,693 --> 00:10:20,795
No, my car broke down, so I rode
320
00:10:20,895 --> 00:10:23,397
Sally up on the handlebars.
321
00:10:23,498 --> 00:10:24,932
I brought it for the kid.
322
00:10:25,032 --> 00:10:26,133
Well, he's just a little baby.
323
00:10:26,234 --> 00:10:27,134
Well, it's a little bicycle.
324
00:10:27,235 --> 00:10:29,837
They can grow up together.
325
00:10:29,937 --> 00:10:31,472
Hey, doesn't Laura look great?
326
00:10:31,572 --> 00:10:33,074
She's already got her whole figure back.
327
00:10:33,174 --> 00:10:34,008
Oh, boy, am I jealous.
328
00:10:34,108 --> 00:10:35,042
Not me.
329
00:10:35,142 --> 00:10:37,078
I already got it all figured.
330
00:10:37,178 --> 00:10:37,979
Hey.
331
00:10:38,079 --> 00:10:38,980
Hi.
332
00:10:39,080 --> 00:10:40,047
Hey, Jerry.
333
00:10:40,147 --> 00:10:41,349
Hi.
334
00:10:41,449 --> 00:10:43,251
Hey, Don't you guys want to see the baby?
335
00:10:43,351 --> 00:10:44,519
Sure we want to see the baby.
336
00:10:44,619 --> 00:10:47,088
I've been practicing funny faces all day.
337
00:10:47,188 --> 00:10:50,291
The one you're doing now is hysterical.
338
00:10:50,391 --> 00:10:53,361
I can't believe this baby.
339
00:10:53,461 --> 00:10:55,196
Well, I just one more peek, and that's it,
340
00:10:55,296 --> 00:10:56,497
we've got to get back. - Hey, Jer?
341
00:10:56,597 --> 00:10:57,932
- Yeah. - Close the door.
342
00:10:58,032 --> 00:10:58,866
Huh?
343
00:10:58,966 --> 00:11:00,101
Close it.
344
00:11:00,201 --> 00:11:02,236
What is it?
345
00:11:02,336 --> 00:11:03,804
Jerry, you remember earlier we were
346
00:11:03,905 --> 00:11:04,805
talking about Ralph Martoni.
347
00:11:04,906 --> 00:11:06,140
Yeah.
348
00:11:06,240 --> 00:11:09,377
Jerry, that nurse gave Laura the wrong jewelry,
349
00:11:09,477 --> 00:11:11,279
she called him a her.
350
00:11:11,379 --> 00:11:12,647
She didn't even know our name.
351
00:11:12,747 --> 00:11:14,315
And everybody, including me, thinks
352
00:11:14,415 --> 00:11:15,583
it looks like a different baby.
353
00:11:15,683 --> 00:11:16,717
Rob.
354
00:11:16,817 --> 00:11:18,319
Even Laura thinks the baby looks different.
355
00:11:18,419 --> 00:11:19,554
His own mother.
356
00:11:19,654 --> 00:11:21,022
I think.
357
00:11:21,122 --> 00:11:23,124
Things like that just don't happen.
358
00:11:23,224 --> 00:11:25,192
Now listen Rob, will you just forget about that?
359
00:11:25,293 --> 00:11:26,460
It just doesn't happen.
360
00:11:26,561 --> 00:11:28,029
Jerry, it is possible.
361
00:11:28,129 --> 00:11:29,030
It's not possible.
362
00:11:29,130 --> 00:11:30,498
Now listen, Rob.
363
00:11:30,598 --> 00:11:32,266
Don't you dare tell Laura what you've been thinking.
364
00:11:32,366 --> 00:11:35,836
Oh, baby, that baby.
365
00:11:35,937 --> 00:11:39,173
I just got to get married.
366
00:11:39,273 --> 00:11:40,241
Rob, do you know what he did?
367
00:11:40,341 --> 00:11:43,144
He woke up.
368
00:11:43,244 --> 00:11:44,545
Rob, that is a cute kid.
369
00:11:44,645 --> 00:11:45,379
Honest.
370
00:11:45,479 --> 00:11:47,415
You sure you got the right baby?
371
00:11:47,515 --> 00:11:49,617
Why do you say that?
372
00:11:49,717 --> 00:11:52,887
Well, you're so tall, and the kid is only about this--
373
00:11:52,987 --> 00:11:55,056
Oh, come on.
374
00:11:55,156 --> 00:11:57,024
You handled the ordeal very well.
375
00:11:57,124 --> 00:11:59,927
Good luck with the kid, and if he needs any newborn baby
376
00:12:00,027 --> 00:12:02,029
jokes, have him call me.
377
00:12:02,129 --> 00:12:03,497
Thanks for the present.
378
00:12:03,598 --> 00:12:05,166
Oh, wait till you see what's coming from Aunt Sally.
379
00:12:05,266 --> 00:12:06,701
ROB: What?
380
00:12:06,801 --> 00:12:08,235
Well, I don't know, but I think I just committed myself
381
00:12:08,336 --> 00:12:10,271
to something very expensive.
382
00:12:10,371 --> 00:12:11,205
Goodnight, Rob.
383
00:12:11,305 --> 00:12:12,406
Goodnight.
384
00:12:15,276 --> 00:12:16,611
After all the excitement today,
385
00:12:16,711 --> 00:12:18,412
it's going to be kind of nice to be alone.
386
00:12:18,512 --> 00:12:19,880
Yes. Just the two of us.
387
00:12:19,981 --> 00:12:21,115
Three of us.
388
00:12:21,215 --> 00:12:22,249
Oh, yeah, we got the little stranger.
389
00:12:22,350 --> 00:12:23,484
Baby.
390
00:12:26,988 --> 00:12:29,090
You know, I didn't realize how many friends we have?
391
00:12:29,190 --> 00:12:33,094
All the fruit and the candy and the flowers are just beautiful.
392
00:12:33,194 --> 00:12:34,061
Who sent us those?
393
00:12:34,161 --> 00:12:35,596
Which?
394
00:12:35,696 --> 00:12:36,897
The ones that we got when we were leaving the hospital.
395
00:12:36,998 --> 00:12:38,332
I don't know.
396
00:12:38,432 --> 00:12:39,367
You know, in all the excitement of leaving today,
397
00:12:39,467 --> 00:12:40,701
I never even looked at the card.
398
00:12:40,801 --> 00:12:46,807
Neither did I. Congratulations and much love,
399
00:12:46,907 --> 00:12:48,042
Dick and Betty Carter.
400
00:12:48,142 --> 00:12:49,043
Aw.
401
00:12:54,215 --> 00:12:56,083
Do you know a Dick and Betty Carter?
402
00:12:56,183 --> 00:12:57,218
No.
403
00:12:57,318 --> 00:12:58,486
Is it someone in your office?
404
00:12:58,586 --> 00:12:59,854
No.
405
00:12:59,954 --> 00:13:02,390
The only Dick and Betty Carter are Phil and Edna Greenbow.
406
00:13:05,893 --> 00:13:07,395
Oh, Rob, look, this explains it.
407
00:13:07,495 --> 00:13:09,864
These are for Mrs. Peters in room 203.
408
00:13:09,964 --> 00:13:11,265
They've been doing that all week long.
409
00:13:11,365 --> 00:13:12,667
They kept getting us mixed up.
410
00:13:12,767 --> 00:13:14,902
You know Peters, two or three, and Petrie to 208.
411
00:13:15,002 --> 00:13:18,039
As a matter of fact, one night I even got her rice pudding.
412
00:13:18,139 --> 00:13:19,206
What did you say?
413
00:13:19,306 --> 00:13:20,341
That I got her rice pudding.
414
00:13:20,441 --> 00:13:22,209
You got her rice pudding?
415
00:13:22,310 --> 00:13:23,778
Yeah.
416
00:13:23,878 --> 00:13:26,213
Which means that she probably got my blueberry tart.
417
00:13:26,314 --> 00:13:28,149
Among other things.
418
00:13:28,249 --> 00:13:30,384
As a matter of fact, you know that envelope they gave
419
00:13:30,484 --> 00:13:31,686
us when we were leaving today?
420
00:13:31,786 --> 00:13:33,187
That was hers.
421
00:13:33,287 --> 00:13:34,622
I remember that.
422
00:13:34,722 --> 00:13:36,657
That's it, that's how it happened.
423
00:13:36,757 --> 00:13:37,692
I knew it.
424
00:13:37,792 --> 00:13:39,326
Rob, why are you getting so excited.
425
00:13:39,427 --> 00:13:40,961
They're only flowers, dear, we can return them.
426
00:13:41,062 --> 00:13:44,498
We're not going to bring up the wrong flowers.
427
00:13:44,598 --> 00:13:45,733
What on Earth are you talking about?
428
00:13:45,833 --> 00:13:47,368
Honey, you're probably very tired.
429
00:13:47,468 --> 00:13:48,936
Why don't you take a nap.
430
00:13:49,036 --> 00:13:50,604
I'm going to, darling, but first I got to change the baby.
431
00:13:50,705 --> 00:13:53,274
Right.
432
00:13:53,374 --> 00:13:54,308
She's right.
433
00:13:54,408 --> 00:13:55,876
We've got to change that baby.
434
00:14:01,382 --> 00:14:02,850
Now tell the truth, Mel, wouldn't you
435
00:14:02,950 --> 00:14:04,585
be just a little suspicious if you got the wrong flowers,
436
00:14:04,685 --> 00:14:05,553
and the wrong envelope?
437
00:14:05,653 --> 00:14:06,721
Now what would you think?
438
00:14:06,821 --> 00:14:08,556
I might think I had the wrong baby.
439
00:14:08,656 --> 00:14:10,358
Just what I thought, only I was sure.
440
00:14:10,458 --> 00:14:11,625
So I made a phone call.
441
00:14:11,726 --> 00:14:12,760
You called the hospital.
442
00:14:12,860 --> 00:14:15,029
No, unfortunately he called me.
443
00:14:17,031 --> 00:14:17,698
Well?
444
00:14:17,798 --> 00:14:19,266
What do you think of that?
445
00:14:19,366 --> 00:14:21,535
All right, so you got flowers from Dick and Betty Carter.
446
00:14:21,635 --> 00:14:22,603
Now what does that prove?
447
00:14:22,703 --> 00:14:23,904
What does it prove?
448
00:14:24,004 --> 00:14:25,673
Did you ever get flowers Dick and Betty Carter?
449
00:14:25,773 --> 00:14:27,908
I don't even know Dick and Betty.
450
00:14:28,008 --> 00:14:29,810
Well, neither do we.
451
00:14:29,910 --> 00:14:31,946
The only one in this house who knows Dick and Betty Carter
452
00:14:32,046 --> 00:14:34,682
is a baby.
453
00:14:34,782 --> 00:14:36,984
Listen, Rob, I don't care how much circumstantial evidence
454
00:14:37,084 --> 00:14:40,221
you have, a mistake like this is practically impossible.
455
00:14:40,321 --> 00:14:41,255
But it is possible.
456
00:14:41,355 --> 00:14:42,223
Yeah, right.
457
00:14:42,323 --> 00:14:44,058
One out of 50 million cases.
458
00:14:44,158 --> 00:14:46,293
And it had to be us.
459
00:14:46,393 --> 00:14:47,461
Jerry, I'm gonna have to tell Laura.
460
00:14:47,561 --> 00:14:48,896
Now wait a minute.
461
00:14:48,996 --> 00:14:51,232
Don't say one word to Laura until you're 100% sure.
462
00:14:51,332 --> 00:14:52,166
Now listen, Rob.
463
00:14:52,266 --> 00:14:53,768
We need more evidence.
464
00:14:53,868 --> 00:14:55,469
Yeah.
465
00:14:55,569 --> 00:14:56,403
I know what I'll do.
466
00:14:56,504 --> 00:14:57,738
I'll call the Peters.
467
00:14:57,838 --> 00:14:59,640
Now Rob, it's not fair to upset them, either.
468
00:14:59,740 --> 00:15:00,374
No?
469
00:15:00,474 --> 00:15:01,675
Not unless you're sure.
470
00:15:01,776 --> 00:15:04,912
Well, I can kind of hint around the subject.
471
00:15:05,012 --> 00:15:08,315
How can you hint about a thing like that?
472
00:15:08,415 --> 00:15:11,585
Well, I'll say my wife.
473
00:15:11,685 --> 00:15:13,654
We got their flowers by mistake, and I'll
474
00:15:13,754 --> 00:15:16,090
be happy to bring them over because I was going
475
00:15:16,190 --> 00:15:17,892
to drop by to pick up my baby.
476
00:15:22,129 --> 00:15:23,364
We got to do something.
477
00:15:23,464 --> 00:15:24,698
We're getting attached to this baby.
478
00:15:24,799 --> 00:15:26,700
They're getting attached to that one, to ours.
479
00:15:26,801 --> 00:15:28,068
The longer we let the thing drag on,
480
00:15:28,169 --> 00:15:29,403
the tougher it's going to be.
481
00:15:29,503 --> 00:15:30,604
Now there must be some way to make sure that--
482
00:15:30,704 --> 00:15:32,273
Not without upsetting a lot of people.
483
00:15:32,373 --> 00:15:33,541
- Jerry, - Yeah, Rob?
484
00:15:33,641 --> 00:15:34,975
Would you get out of the way?
485
00:15:35,075 --> 00:15:36,043
I have to pace.
486
00:15:41,415 --> 00:15:42,283
Jerry?
487
00:15:42,383 --> 00:15:43,517
Yeah.
488
00:15:43,617 --> 00:15:45,019
Don't dentists help identify criminals
489
00:15:45,119 --> 00:15:46,454
by examining their teeth?
490
00:15:46,554 --> 00:15:47,354
I know.
491
00:15:47,454 --> 00:15:49,723
No teeth.
492
00:15:49,824 --> 00:15:51,826
They only have the gums, right.
493
00:15:51,926 --> 00:15:52,760
Rob, I got it.
494
00:15:52,860 --> 00:15:53,527
I got it.
495
00:15:53,627 --> 00:15:54,995
Footprints.
496
00:15:55,095 --> 00:15:57,364
We'll check the baby's footprints against the records.
497
00:15:57,464 --> 00:16:00,000
Oh, Jerry, that's great.
498
00:16:00,100 --> 00:16:02,469
There's an ink stamp pen and paper in that bottom drawer.
499
00:16:02,570 --> 00:16:04,271
The baby's records are in "The Magic Mountain."
500
00:16:04,371 --> 00:16:05,206
JERRY: The what?
501
00:16:05,306 --> 00:16:06,106
Of the book.
502
00:16:06,207 --> 00:16:07,575
Oh, Thomas [inaudible].
503
00:16:07,675 --> 00:16:08,475
I'll take baby out.
504
00:16:08,576 --> 00:16:09,710
Laura's asleep.
505
00:16:19,920 --> 00:16:22,556
Oh, I hope our baby's as cute as this one.
506
00:16:22,656 --> 00:16:24,358
Rob, that is your baby.
507
00:16:24,458 --> 00:16:25,693
I hope so.
508
00:16:25,793 --> 00:16:27,228
Here, little fella.
509
00:16:27,328 --> 00:16:29,496
This isn't going to hurt a bit.
510
00:16:29,597 --> 00:16:30,831
Rob.
511
00:16:30,931 --> 00:16:33,167
Here, you take ink and spread it on his foot.
512
00:16:33,267 --> 00:16:35,502
And I'll get the paper ready.
513
00:16:35,603 --> 00:16:37,805
Shh, shh, shh.
514
00:16:42,576 --> 00:16:45,079
I think I got it.
515
00:16:45,179 --> 00:16:47,681
Here, hold that.
516
00:16:47,781 --> 00:16:51,552
Jerry, there's something very funny about this footprint.
517
00:16:51,652 --> 00:16:53,454
Let's compare them.
518
00:16:53,554 --> 00:16:56,624
I know what's funny about that footprint, it's got six toes.
519
00:16:58,826 --> 00:17:00,327
That's your thumbprint.
520
00:17:00,427 --> 00:17:01,562
Oh.
521
00:17:04,932 --> 00:17:07,001
Jerry, what do you think?
522
00:17:07,101 --> 00:17:12,239
Rob, I would say that that footprint and that footprint
523
00:17:12,339 --> 00:17:13,974
are from that baby.
524
00:17:14,074 --> 00:17:15,009
Are you sure?
525
00:17:18,145 --> 00:17:19,113
Jerry, are you positive?
526
00:17:19,213 --> 00:17:20,180
Yep.
527
00:17:20,281 --> 00:17:21,448
That's what I was afraid of.
528
00:17:21,549 --> 00:17:23,551
Read the top line.
529
00:17:23,651 --> 00:17:28,055
Sex, male, name, baby boy Peters.
530
00:17:28,155 --> 00:17:29,556
Well, I'm afraid that proves it, Jerry.
531
00:17:29,657 --> 00:17:30,925
Well, that proves nothing.
532
00:17:31,025 --> 00:17:33,027
Jerry, you said those were both the same.
533
00:17:33,127 --> 00:17:34,528
Well, what do I know about footprints?
534
00:17:34,628 --> 00:17:36,430
I'm a dentist.
535
00:17:36,530 --> 00:17:38,699
I only know mouthprints.
536
00:17:38,799 --> 00:17:40,801
Look, we wanted proof, we asked for it, and we got it.
537
00:17:40,901 --> 00:17:42,303
Now Rob, it only proves that we just
538
00:17:42,403 --> 00:17:43,771
got another wrong envelope.
539
00:17:43,871 --> 00:17:45,472
It's no use, Jerry.
540
00:17:45,572 --> 00:17:46,507
I'm going to tell Laura.
541
00:17:46,607 --> 00:17:48,108
Now wait a minute, Rob, wait.
542
00:17:48,208 --> 00:17:50,277
Before you tell Laura, at least check with the hospital, huh?
543
00:17:50,377 --> 00:17:52,613
All right, Jerry, I'll check with them first.
544
00:17:52,713 --> 00:17:53,814
[phone ringing]
545
00:17:53,914 --> 00:17:56,250
It's probably them checking with me.
546
00:17:56,350 --> 00:17:57,551
Hello?
547
00:17:57,651 --> 00:18:00,220
Yes, this is Robert Petrie.
548
00:18:00,321 --> 00:18:01,589
Who?
549
00:18:01,689 --> 00:18:02,723
It's Mr. Peters.
550
00:18:02,823 --> 00:18:03,824
What does he want?
551
00:18:03,924 --> 00:18:06,961
What do you think?
552
00:18:07,061 --> 00:18:07,695
Hello.
553
00:18:07,795 --> 00:18:09,430
Yes, Mr. Peters.
554
00:18:09,530 --> 00:18:10,998
That's right.
555
00:18:11,098 --> 00:18:14,301
You have something of ours, and we have something of yours.
556
00:18:14,401 --> 00:18:16,737
Dried figs.
557
00:18:16,837 --> 00:18:19,106
She got Laura's aunt's figs.
558
00:18:19,206 --> 00:18:23,477
Mr. Peters, you don't know, then.
559
00:18:23,577 --> 00:18:24,979
I see.
560
00:18:25,079 --> 00:18:26,647
Well, Mr. Peter, this is going to be
561
00:18:26,747 --> 00:18:28,616
a little hard to tell you.
562
00:18:28,716 --> 00:18:31,118
See, how can I put it?
563
00:18:31,218 --> 00:18:34,688
Look, Mr. Peters, you know there's a tremendous similarity
564
00:18:34,788 --> 00:18:37,191
between room 208 and 203.
565
00:18:37,291 --> 00:18:40,160
If you close up the open end of a three, you've got an eight.
566
00:18:40,260 --> 00:18:41,328
Right.
567
00:18:41,428 --> 00:18:44,465
Now, there's also a great similarity between--
568
00:18:44,565 --> 00:18:46,166
Robert Petrie, yes.
569
00:18:46,266 --> 00:18:49,036
Yeah, that's right, I write for "The Alan Brady Show."
570
00:18:49,136 --> 00:18:50,871
I'm glad you think our show is funny, Mr. Peters.
571
00:18:50,971 --> 00:18:52,740
I'd like to get this settled.
572
00:18:52,840 --> 00:18:54,708
There is also a great similarity, Mr. Peters,
573
00:18:54,808 --> 00:18:56,543
between our names, Peters and Petrie.
574
00:18:56,643 --> 00:19:00,047
Now our wives had a baby on the same day, in the same hospital,
575
00:19:00,147 --> 00:19:02,616
and the hospital was very busy, Mr. Peters.
576
00:19:02,716 --> 00:19:04,718
What am I getting at?
577
00:19:04,818 --> 00:19:07,454
Mr. Peters, let me ask you a personal question.
578
00:19:07,554 --> 00:19:10,024
Who does your baby look like?
579
00:19:10,124 --> 00:19:11,358
Uh-huh.
580
00:19:11,458 --> 00:19:14,128
Well, ours doesn't look like neither one of us, neither.
581
00:19:14,228 --> 00:19:16,897
I think I'm making myself very clear, Mr. Peters.
582
00:19:16,997 --> 00:19:19,133
We have each other's babies.
583
00:19:19,233 --> 00:19:22,870
Mr. Peters, how do you want to handle this?
584
00:19:22,970 --> 00:19:24,004
Don't tell me it's impossible.
585
00:19:24,104 --> 00:19:26,840
Mr. Peters, I've got the evidence.
586
00:19:26,940 --> 00:19:29,810
Now what's your address?
587
00:19:29,910 --> 00:19:30,978
That's perfectly all right with me as
588
00:19:31,078 --> 00:19:33,247
long as we settle it tonight.
589
00:19:33,347 --> 00:19:34,782
Fine with me.
590
00:19:34,882 --> 00:19:36,550
The hospital give you my address?
591
00:19:36,650 --> 00:19:37,918
All right, fine.
592
00:19:38,018 --> 00:19:39,453
Goodbye.
593
00:19:39,553 --> 00:19:40,487
He's coming here?
594
00:19:40,587 --> 00:19:41,555
Yeah.
595
00:19:41,655 --> 00:19:43,023
He said his wife wanted some air,
596
00:19:43,123 --> 00:19:46,026
and he was going to bring the dried figs by anyway.
597
00:19:46,126 --> 00:19:48,162
He's being pretty light about this thing.
598
00:19:48,262 --> 00:19:51,598
Some guys don't care whose baby they bring up.
599
00:19:51,698 --> 00:19:53,600
Rob, who called?
600
00:19:53,700 --> 00:19:54,635
Oh, hi, Jerry.
601
00:19:54,735 --> 00:19:56,704
Hi, Laura, I was just leaving.
602
00:19:56,804 --> 00:19:58,439
Rob, what's the baby doing out here?
603
00:19:58,539 --> 00:19:59,373
Good night, folks.
604
00:19:59,473 --> 00:20:01,241
And good bye son.
605
00:20:06,046 --> 00:20:07,548
Honey, I would like--
606
00:20:07,648 --> 00:20:10,084
I want to talk to you.
607
00:20:10,184 --> 00:20:13,353
Well that-- that was the Peters on the phone.
608
00:20:13,454 --> 00:20:14,655
The flower people.
609
00:20:14,755 --> 00:20:16,724
They are coming over here in a few minutes.
610
00:20:16,824 --> 00:20:17,658
They are?
611
00:20:17,758 --> 00:20:18,926
Yeah.
612
00:20:19,026 --> 00:20:22,062
Honey, I hate to have to tell you this.
613
00:20:22,162 --> 00:20:26,100
We have the wrong flowers.
614
00:20:26,200 --> 00:20:28,168
Rob, is something bothering you?
615
00:20:28,268 --> 00:20:29,069
No.
616
00:20:29,169 --> 00:20:32,272
Honey, I love you very much.
617
00:20:36,176 --> 00:20:39,313
Honey, how much do you like that baby?
618
00:20:43,283 --> 00:20:46,720
Oh, Rob, don't tell me you're jealous already.
619
00:20:46,820 --> 00:20:47,955
Honey, I'm not--
620
00:20:48,055 --> 00:20:50,257
Oh, that Dr. Spock knows everything.
621
00:20:50,357 --> 00:20:51,458
That man is a genius.
622
00:20:51,558 --> 00:20:53,727
He doesn't know everything in the whole world.
623
00:20:53,827 --> 00:20:56,630
For instance, he doesn't know that you are 1 in 50 million.
624
00:20:56,730 --> 00:20:57,764
Thank you, darling.
625
00:20:57,865 --> 00:21:00,000
Don't thank me.
626
00:21:00,100 --> 00:21:02,402
Did you know that one out of every 50 million women
627
00:21:02,503 --> 00:21:03,804
has the wrong baby?
628
00:21:03,904 --> 00:21:04,738
That's a cute trick.
629
00:21:04,838 --> 00:21:05,939
How does she manage?
630
00:21:07,908 --> 00:21:09,276
She doesn't have it while she's having it,
631
00:21:09,376 --> 00:21:11,111
it's after she has it, she has it.
632
00:21:13,347 --> 00:21:17,284
Rob, are you trying to tell me that we have the wrong baby?
633
00:21:20,687 --> 00:21:21,488
You're crazy.
634
00:21:21,588 --> 00:21:23,991
Honey, keep calm.
635
00:21:24,091 --> 00:21:25,626
I'm perfectly calm, except that I'm
636
00:21:25,726 --> 00:21:27,661
a little worried about you.
637
00:21:27,761 --> 00:21:28,929
Darling, why don't you eat something.
638
00:21:29,029 --> 00:21:33,167
Honey, I have eaten.
639
00:21:33,267 --> 00:21:34,268
I can take it.
640
00:21:34,368 --> 00:21:36,770
I can take [inaudible] Our baby is probably
641
00:21:36,870 --> 00:21:38,639
just as cute as that one is.
642
00:21:38,739 --> 00:21:40,007
Will you stop!
643
00:21:40,107 --> 00:21:41,975
Where did you ever get such a crazy idea?
644
00:21:42,075 --> 00:21:42,876
At the hospital.
645
00:21:42,976 --> 00:21:43,844
That's where we got it.
646
00:21:43,944 --> 00:21:46,313
We got the wrong flowers.
647
00:21:46,413 --> 00:21:48,749
You forgot about the blueberry tarts and the rice pudding
648
00:21:48,849 --> 00:21:49,716
pretty fast, didn't you?
649
00:21:49,816 --> 00:21:51,385
Not to mention dried figs?
650
00:21:51,485 --> 00:21:52,786
Dried figs.
651
00:21:52,886 --> 00:21:55,989
Dried-- Rob, this is our baby, and that's all there is to it.
652
00:21:56,089 --> 00:21:59,126
Honey, he doesn't even look like us.
653
00:21:59,226 --> 00:21:59,826
Rob.
654
00:21:59,927 --> 00:22:01,195
You see.
655
00:22:01,295 --> 00:22:04,364
All I see is our baby with a blue foot.
656
00:22:04,464 --> 00:22:06,400
What is that, Rob?
657
00:22:06,500 --> 00:22:07,334
Ink.
658
00:22:07,434 --> 00:22:08,035
How did it get there?
659
00:22:08,135 --> 00:22:11,271
Jerry and I put it on.
660
00:22:11,371 --> 00:22:12,706
Why?
661
00:22:12,806 --> 00:22:15,576
Just running a series of tests.
662
00:22:15,676 --> 00:22:17,311
Rob, there are no series of tests
663
00:22:17,411 --> 00:22:18,845
in the world that are going to convince me
664
00:22:18,946 --> 00:22:20,581
that is not our baby.
665
00:22:20,681 --> 00:22:22,015
Oh, honey, I don't blame you.
666
00:22:22,115 --> 00:22:23,717
You can't face the facts.
667
00:22:23,817 --> 00:22:24,885
Poor kid.
668
00:22:24,985 --> 00:22:26,186
Oh, Rob!
669
00:22:26,286 --> 00:22:27,721
Well, honey, that's probably the Peters now.
670
00:22:27,821 --> 00:22:29,122
Brace yourself.
671
00:22:29,223 --> 00:22:31,091
Rob, nobody is taking this baby, do you hear me?
672
00:22:31,191 --> 00:22:32,426
Nobody!
673
00:22:32,526 --> 00:22:33,860
Laura, I think it'd be better if you went to your room.
674
00:22:33,961 --> 00:22:36,663
I can handle this.
675
00:22:36,763 --> 00:22:38,665
I am staying right here.
676
00:22:41,935 --> 00:22:42,803
MR. PETERS: Hi.
677
00:22:42,903 --> 00:22:45,405
We're Mr. And Mrs. Peters.
678
00:22:45,505 --> 00:22:46,440
Come in.
679
00:22:54,314 --> 00:22:57,184
I believe we have your Aunt Bertha's figs,
680
00:22:57,284 --> 00:23:00,721
and you have Dick and Betty's flowers.
681
00:23:00,821 --> 00:23:04,258
Mrs. Peters, won't you come in?
682
00:23:09,563 --> 00:23:11,431
Oh my goodness.
683
00:23:11,531 --> 00:23:14,201
Come and sit down.
684
00:23:14,301 --> 00:23:16,003
Thank you, I'm still a little wobbly.
685
00:23:16,103 --> 00:23:20,707
Me too, although not quite as wobbly as my husband.
686
00:23:20,807 --> 00:23:22,175
I know I shouldn't be out already,
687
00:23:22,276 --> 00:23:23,977
but I just couldn't miss the fun.
688
00:23:24,077 --> 00:23:25,445
Well, I'm glad you're here.
689
00:23:25,545 --> 00:23:26,446
Sit down.
690
00:23:30,584 --> 00:23:31,485
Well.
691
00:23:37,357 --> 00:23:39,927
Why didn't you tell me on the phone?
692
00:23:40,027 --> 00:23:42,129
And miss the expression on your face?
693
00:23:44,898 --> 00:23:46,400
Did I give you a good one?
694
00:23:46,500 --> 00:23:48,835
Beautiful.
695
00:23:48,936 --> 00:23:50,904
Well, you're going to have to excuse me.
696
00:23:51,004 --> 00:23:52,739
I just haven't been myself lately.
697
00:23:52,839 --> 00:23:54,207
We just had a baby.
698
00:23:54,308 --> 00:23:55,942
Oh, you had one, too.
699
00:23:56,043 --> 00:23:56,843
That's right.
700
00:23:56,943 --> 00:23:58,545
We both had babies.
701
00:23:58,645 --> 00:24:02,816
Oh, you want to see the one that we almost pawned off on you?
702
00:24:02,916 --> 00:24:05,819
It's ours.
703
00:24:05,919 --> 00:24:08,322
Hey, that is a beautiful baby.
704
00:24:08,422 --> 00:24:09,356
Yeah?
705
00:24:09,456 --> 00:24:10,724
You know, he looks exactly like you.
706
00:24:10,824 --> 00:24:11,758
You really think so?
707
00:24:11,858 --> 00:24:12,759
No.
708
00:24:12,859 --> 00:24:14,094
But why start him off again?
709
00:24:21,535 --> 00:24:24,137
Rob, that's a fantastic story, but at least everything
710
00:24:24,237 --> 00:24:25,472
turned out all right.
711
00:24:25,572 --> 00:24:27,607
Well, Mel, actually things didn't turn out
712
00:24:27,708 --> 00:24:28,976
quite as well as we expected.
713
00:24:29,076 --> 00:24:30,010
What do you mean?
714
00:24:30,110 --> 00:24:31,378
What are you talking about?
715
00:24:31,478 --> 00:24:32,879
Well, you know the Peters little boy, Jimmy,
716
00:24:32,979 --> 00:24:34,348
is in the same grade school as Ritchie.
717
00:24:34,448 --> 00:24:35,315
Yeah.
718
00:24:35,415 --> 00:24:36,650
Jimmy, top student, straight A's.
719
00:24:36,750 --> 00:24:37,684
Ritchie?
720
00:24:40,387 --> 00:24:42,089
I still think we got the wrong kid.
721
00:24:53,200 --> 00:24:54,935
[MUSIC - END THEME, "THE DICK
722
00:24:55,035 --> 00:24:57,137
VAN DYKE SHOW"]
723
00:24:57,805 --> 00:25:57,978
Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.48051
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