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For the past
few years Ricky Gervais,
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00:00:18,882 --> 00:00:21,611
Stephen Merchant
and Karl Pilkington
3
00:00:21,532 --> 00:00:23,496
Have been meeting
regularly
4
00:00:23,450 --> 00:00:25,614
For a series
of pointless conversations.
5
00:00:25,558 --> 00:00:27,656
This is one of them.
6
00:00:27,604 --> 00:00:29,134
- Testing.
- Is that all right?
7
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"Hello and welcome
to The Ricky Gervais Show"
8
00:00:34,153 --> 00:00:35,918
With me, Ricky Gervais,
Stephen Merchant...
9
00:00:35,879 --> 00:00:38,911
- Hello. - ...
And the little round-headed buffoon
10
00:00:38,819 --> 00:00:40,285
That is Karl Pilkington.
11
00:00:40,258 --> 00:00:41,856
Hi.
12
00:00:41,823 --> 00:00:47,722
Sync by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
13
00:00:47,514 --> 00:00:49,814
Questions for Karl,
14
00:00:49,752 --> 00:00:52,452
Just to sort of try
and tap into his brain.
15
00:00:52,375 --> 00:00:53,941
- See what's going on there.
- Yep.
16
00:00:53,909 --> 00:00:55,808
The questionnaire
that is often featured
17
00:00:55,763 --> 00:00:58,461
At the end of the T.V. program
"inside the actors studio"...
18
00:00:58,384 --> 00:01:02,180
"if heaven exists, what would
you like to hear God say
19
00:01:02,058 --> 00:01:04,957
When you arrive
at the pearly gates?"
20
00:01:05,767 --> 00:01:07,599
Is that how it works?
21
00:01:07,557 --> 00:01:09,956
What do you mean?
What's the question?
22
00:01:09,892 --> 00:01:12,190
Well, I don't know.
You hear so many other things
23
00:01:12,129 --> 00:01:13,795
That you have to go
through at the gates.
24
00:01:13,760 --> 00:01:16,159
I can't imagine him being on
the door is what I'm saying.
25
00:01:17,629 --> 00:01:19,561
If he owns the place,
what's he doing there?
26
00:01:19,516 --> 00:01:21,582
- He could put anyone on it.
- Well, it's st. Peter, isn't it,
27
00:01:21,529 --> 00:01:23,263
Who's normally minding
the gates famously?
28
00:01:23,224 --> 00:01:25,124
- Right, so it's him asking me.
- Let's say it's st. Peter.
29
00:01:25,079 --> 00:01:27,411
No no no, you go
in through the Gate.
30
00:01:27,349 --> 00:01:30,083
Peter goes, "oh, you're expected.
He's got an appointment."
31
00:01:30,003 --> 00:01:32,136
We're going through to God,
go through a few doors,
32
00:01:32,082 --> 00:01:35,415
Go up, top floor,
past the executive washroom
33
00:01:35,312 --> 00:01:38,445
Into his big office
that overlooks the universe.
34
00:01:38,350 --> 00:01:39,916
So what--?
35
00:01:39,884 --> 00:01:42,484
So you've gone in to see God.
It's an audience with God.
36
00:01:42,411 --> 00:01:44,044
You've died.
You've gone to heaven.
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00:01:44,009 --> 00:01:46,342
- Mm.
- And what would you like God
38
00:01:46,281 --> 00:01:48,846
To say to you
at that point?
39
00:01:48,773 --> 00:01:51,506
Um, probably just--
just say,
40
00:01:51,427 --> 00:01:54,427
"oh, you've done well
and that in your life."
41
00:01:54,337 --> 00:01:56,337
You never did anybody
any harm.
42
00:02:01,534 --> 00:02:04,200
Um, you know,
here's a little layout of--
43
00:02:04,125 --> 00:02:06,592
Like, you know, like a little map.
It's kind of like--"
44
00:02:06,525 --> 00:02:08,557
I love this.
This is a great answer.
45
00:02:08,507 --> 00:02:10,607
My favorite one is "you never
did anybody any harm."
46
00:02:10,554 --> 00:02:12,554
That's great. That's a brilliant
thing for God to say.
47
00:02:12,505 --> 00:02:14,272
- Yeah. - So anyway, he's
given you a little map.
48
00:02:14,232 --> 00:02:16,332
So he's given you a little
map of the area. It's big.
49
00:02:16,279 --> 00:02:17,779
It'll say, "this is where
you go for this.
50
00:02:17,751 --> 00:02:19,150
This is where
you go for that."
51
00:02:19,126 --> 00:02:21,392
I'd probably ask him
about the ghost situation.
52
00:02:21,333 --> 00:02:23,500
I'd say,
"am I now a ghost then?
53
00:02:23,444 --> 00:02:26,711
Or is this just like another
planet that I've come onto?"
54
00:02:26,611 --> 00:02:29,378
- Right. - I don't know
if he'd answer that.
55
00:02:29,298 --> 00:02:31,298
I don't know if he'd be
sort of a bit--
56
00:02:31,249 --> 00:02:32,715
- A bit cagey.
- Yeah.
57
00:02:32,688 --> 00:02:35,121
A little bit like, "well, I don't
want to panic you and stuff."
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00:02:35,055 --> 00:02:36,421
I'd say, "right.
59
00:02:36,398 --> 00:02:39,833
Is it right that I can see
past family and that?
60
00:02:39,725 --> 00:02:43,059
'cause to be honest, I'd
probably prefer to stay away."
61
00:02:45,675 --> 00:02:47,841
He doesn't even
want to--
62
00:02:47,785 --> 00:02:49,619
- No, because the thing is--
- That's amazing.
63
00:02:49,576 --> 00:02:50,842
I've done all that
in this life.
64
00:02:50,824 --> 00:02:52,491
So it's about moving on
to another life
65
00:02:52,455 --> 00:02:53,954
And meeting different
people, isn't it?
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00:02:53,927 --> 00:02:55,559
- Yeah, okay.
- Otherwise what's the point?
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00:02:55,526 --> 00:02:58,026
It's just like the same all over
again, but everywhere is white.
68
00:02:57,957 --> 00:02:59,256
I mean, I don't know
if it is like that.
69
00:02:59,235 --> 00:03:01,736
Do you think God would like
this podcast?
70
00:03:01,667 --> 00:03:03,600
Um, well, I suppose
71
00:03:03,554 --> 00:03:05,722
It just kills half an hour,
doesn't it?
72
00:03:05,666 --> 00:03:07,700
Well yeah, but time's not
a problem for him, is it?
73
00:03:07,651 --> 00:03:10,252
Yeah, it is, 'cause he lives for
ages so he needs loads of filler.
74
00:03:10,178 --> 00:03:12,246
I bet he's, you know, doing
stuff that is just like,
75
00:03:12,194 --> 00:03:14,195
"I'm not really into this,
but it's something to do."
76
00:03:14,147 --> 00:03:16,581
Sudoku and stuff.
77
00:03:19,331 --> 00:03:22,766
But I think there will be just as many
problems up there as there is here
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00:03:22,658 --> 00:03:24,893
Because at least
people are leaving here,
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00:03:24,834 --> 00:03:26,701
Whereas up there--
that's the thing
80
00:03:26,658 --> 00:03:29,693
That I'd be worried about the most,
actually-- that it's really crowded.
81
00:03:29,602 --> 00:03:31,871
'cause it's years and years
of dead people, isn't it?
82
00:03:31,811 --> 00:03:34,680
London does me head in.
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00:03:34,595 --> 00:03:36,496
Up there it's gonna be
84
00:03:36,451 --> 00:03:40,154
Well busier than that.
85
00:03:42,051 --> 00:03:43,986
What about teenagers?
86
00:03:43,940 --> 00:03:46,741
And do you feel that life was
better in, say, the 1950s?
87
00:03:46,659 --> 00:03:48,026
I don't know.
I wasn't around.
88
00:03:50,467 --> 00:03:52,502
But you understand wh- um...
As like in- you've seen "Happy Days"?
89
00:03:52,452 --> 00:03:54,220
I don't know.
People always say, don't they--?
90
00:03:54,180 --> 00:03:57,082
Old people always say, "oh, it
was a better life in the '50s."
91
00:03:56,996 --> 00:03:59,097
It's like, yeah, it was for them.
'course it was for them.
92
00:03:59,045 --> 00:04:01,046
They're old now.
Being old isn't great, is it?
93
00:04:00,996 --> 00:04:02,964
So you're just happy
with your lot.
94
00:04:02,918 --> 00:04:07,187
I suppose I was
happiest in about 1984.
95
00:04:07,045 --> 00:04:08,846
- What a specific year.
- Why? Why was that?
96
00:04:08,805 --> 00:04:10,473
It's just I was free and happy.
97
00:04:10,437 --> 00:04:12,071
How old--
how old were you?
98
00:04:12,037 --> 00:04:14,072
I don't know.
Uh, let me see...
99
00:04:15,654 --> 00:04:18,122
He's just counting
on his fingers. - I was 12.
100
00:04:18,053 --> 00:04:19,954
- Right, okay.
- And it was just good.
101
00:04:19,910 --> 00:04:21,777
So the happiest
days of your life
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00:04:21,734 --> 00:04:24,235
Were between the age
of 12 and 13.
103
00:04:24,166 --> 00:04:26,735
Yeah, it was good.
I had the world ahead of me.
104
00:04:26,662 --> 00:04:28,530
Mm.
105
00:04:28,487 --> 00:04:30,589
Little did you know your
hair was gonna fall out
106
00:04:30,535 --> 00:04:32,369
And you were gonna whine
every minute of the day.
107
00:04:32,327 --> 00:04:34,662
I had me bike.
I liked messing about with me bike.
108
00:04:34,599 --> 00:04:36,500
I had me mates.
I had a pet magpie.
109
00:04:36,455 --> 00:04:39,191
So you were probably the teenager
that you'd eventually hate.
110
00:04:39,112 --> 00:04:40,279
Probably.
111
00:04:40,263 --> 00:04:42,031
Were you a good lad,
law abiding?
112
00:04:41,992 --> 00:04:43,593
I wasn't bad.
113
00:04:43,560 --> 00:04:47,497
I just sort of, you know,
just pottered about.
114
00:04:47,369 --> 00:04:50,005
I mean, when people talk about
what was on the telly back then,
115
00:04:49,929 --> 00:04:52,031
I don't have that much memory
of it 'cause I was always out.
116
00:04:51,978 --> 00:04:54,780
- I was always playing out.
- What were you doing when you were out?
117
00:04:54,698 --> 00:04:57,399
Just playing about,
just like on a bike or--
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00:04:57,322 --> 00:04:59,623
Just riding in
a circle endlessly...
119
00:04:59,562 --> 00:05:01,029
- Oh yeah.
- ...Through blizzards...
120
00:05:01,002 --> 00:05:02,703
- I loved it-- loved it.
- ...Rain, sleet, hail.
121
00:05:02,666 --> 00:05:04,501
I never seemed to be in.
I was always--
122
00:05:04,459 --> 00:05:07,728
When everyone always goes, "where were
you when band aid was happening?"
123
00:05:07,627 --> 00:05:10,829
I was always out on me bike.
And everything was like-- - Like Ewan McGregor.
124
00:05:10,731 --> 00:05:13,333
I have memories of always
coming in for some orange
125
00:05:13,259 --> 00:05:16,295
And looking at the telly and seeing
princess Diana's getting married.
126
00:05:16,203 --> 00:05:17,771
And me mom says,
"have you seen this?"
127
00:05:17,740 --> 00:05:19,608
And I'm going "oh,
I'm going out on me bike."
128
00:05:19,564 --> 00:05:21,564
I was always doing that.
It's the only time I was in the house.
129
00:05:21,515 --> 00:05:24,084
This is why you don't know
anything-- 'cause you never stopped.
130
00:05:24,011 --> 00:05:26,212
Yeah, but this is what being
a kid's about-- being free.
131
00:05:26,156 --> 00:05:27,856
But all the information
you have, Karl,
132
00:05:27,820 --> 00:05:29,954
Is as though you've gleaned it
as you raced by on a bike.
133
00:05:29,899 --> 00:05:32,735
It's almost like, you know, every
piece of information you have--
134
00:05:32,652 --> 00:05:34,653
Your hair-- your hair
blowing in the wind.
135
00:05:34,604 --> 00:05:36,239
"Karl, your hair will
blow out one day."
136
00:05:36,205 --> 00:05:38,674
"oh, don't talk
stupid, m."
137
00:05:38,605 --> 00:05:40,239
It was easy.
138
00:05:40,205 --> 00:05:41,839
So yeah, 12 to 13 was good.
139
00:05:41,806 --> 00:05:44,274
- But you see-. - And it was all
downhill from then, was it?
140
00:05:44,206 --> 00:05:46,474
13-- you're a teenager
then, aren't you?
141
00:05:46,413 --> 00:05:48,914
- Life got tough. - Yeah?
How did it get tough?
142
00:05:48,846 --> 00:05:50,580
Just straightaway when I was 13
143
00:05:50,541 --> 00:05:52,208
Me mom was like,
you know,
144
00:05:52,174 --> 00:05:54,608
"oh, it's your 13th birthday.
You're a teenager now."
145
00:05:54,542 --> 00:05:57,210
And she gave us a quid to go and
get a cake to celebrate it.
146
00:05:57,133 --> 00:05:59,400
Went to the supermarket,
got a cake,
147
00:05:59,341 --> 00:06:01,475
And I just thought, "I don't
like the look of this.
148
00:06:01,422 --> 00:06:03,757
Don't like the look of the
way the future is here."
149
00:06:05,711 --> 00:06:07,612
On his 13th birthday.
150
00:06:07,567 --> 00:06:10,368
While you were out buying a cake,
what did you see at the supermarket?
151
00:06:10,287 --> 00:06:12,154
Just it was kind of like,
I don't know.
152
00:06:12,109 --> 00:06:14,410
I suddenly felt grown-up
and I didn't like it.
153
00:06:14,349 --> 00:06:18,519
But I think you were always about
50, eh, really, with your outlook?
154
00:06:18,381 --> 00:06:20,249
Well, yeah.
Me mom always said I was old.
155
00:06:20,205 --> 00:06:21,405
She said I was an old baby.
156
00:06:21,389 --> 00:06:24,023
She said I could frown
before I could walk.
157
00:06:23,949 --> 00:06:26,450
Said I always had a bit of a
worried look on me face.
158
00:06:26,381 --> 00:06:28,516
Didn't say much,
just always listened.
159
00:06:28,461 --> 00:06:30,229
Me eyes moved about
more than I did.
160
00:06:30,189 --> 00:06:32,190
Just sat there
looking around,
161
00:06:32,142 --> 00:06:34,076
Looking stressed.
162
00:06:34,030 --> 00:06:37,131
"me eyes moved
around more than I did."
163
00:06:37,037 --> 00:06:39,372
Oh, dear.
Couldn't walk.
164
00:06:39,309 --> 00:06:42,144
"well, I can't walk, but I try and
get a bit of movement in my face."
165
00:06:42,062 --> 00:06:44,063
It's a workout--
a baby workout.
166
00:06:44,014 --> 00:06:46,416
All right, babies, if you can't
walk, what about your face?
167
00:06:46,350 --> 00:06:47,984
Let your face
do the walking.
168
00:06:47,951 --> 00:06:49,719
It sounds like
that horror film.
169
00:06:49,679 --> 00:06:52,114
It sounds like
"Pilkington's baby,"
170
00:06:52,047 --> 00:06:53,514
Just you lying there
in your cot.
171
00:06:53,488 --> 00:06:55,555
I didn't like all the stuff
that's set up for you.
172
00:06:55,503 --> 00:06:59,306
Like me mom tried
to send me to a nursery.
173
00:06:59,183 --> 00:07:01,218
I said, "no, I'm not
having this."
174
00:07:01,168 --> 00:07:04,003
just like
that-- "I'm not having this."
175
00:07:03,919 --> 00:07:05,954
I said, "when I'm older and
I've got to go, I'll go.
176
00:07:05,904 --> 00:07:08,439
But let's leave out this bit."
and she said, "all right."
177
00:07:08,368 --> 00:07:10,636
I love the fact that
he could reason with her.
178
00:07:10,576 --> 00:07:12,610
I love him.
He's three years old with a pipe.
179
00:07:12,561 --> 00:07:14,628
She's going,
"you're going to the nursery."
180
00:07:14,577 --> 00:07:16,578
He goes, "I think not, mom."
181
00:07:16,529 --> 00:07:18,230
I mean, kids don't
play out, do they?
182
00:07:18,193 --> 00:07:21,061
Kids-- you know, parents are
scared to let the kids play out
183
00:07:20,977 --> 00:07:22,944
And that's why the streets
are dangerous now,
184
00:07:22,896 --> 00:07:24,797
'cause no one's playing
out on the streets.
185
00:07:24,753 --> 00:07:27,354
Whereas when I was a kid
everyone was out on the streets.
186
00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:30,415
The streets were safer 'cause there
was more people knocking about.
187
00:07:30,320 --> 00:07:32,421
- Right.
- Let the kids play out.
188
00:07:32,368 --> 00:07:34,803
It must be like a constant--
like a lowry painting--
189
00:07:34,736 --> 00:07:36,737
His front gardens.
You know what I mean?
190
00:07:36,688 --> 00:07:39,724
- Just loads of people just walking around.
- There was never any problems.
191
00:07:39,633 --> 00:07:41,901
I was sort of taken away
by some fella.
192
00:07:41,841 --> 00:07:44,143
- What?
- Whoa whoa whoa.
193
00:07:44,081 --> 00:07:46,116
No, I was in-- I was playing
about in the garden.
194
00:07:46,066 --> 00:07:48,435
- Yeah.
- But me dad's mate Tony--
195
00:07:48,370 --> 00:07:51,439
He did tiling with him--
he drove past.
196
00:07:51,347 --> 00:07:53,248
And he saw me looking
a bit fed up,
197
00:07:53,203 --> 00:07:55,871
So he just leaned over, picked
me up, took me to the pub.
198
00:07:55,796 --> 00:07:58,297
Now the thing is,
there wasn't panic.
199
00:07:58,228 --> 00:08:00,628
People weren't going,
"oh God, where's Karl gone?"
200
00:08:00,562 --> 00:08:03,564
- He's out. How old were you?
- He's down at the pub.
201
00:08:03,475 --> 00:08:07,078
He's four years old, yeah.
Well, he's only having half.
202
00:08:06,964 --> 00:08:09,501
He's down at the pub with
Tony probably playing darts.
203
00:08:09,429 --> 00:08:11,430
Yeah, I was about
three or four.
204
00:08:11,381 --> 00:08:14,583
Sorry, so some bloke drives by who happens
to be a friend of your dad's, thinks,
205
00:08:14,485 --> 00:08:16,953
"that baby looks grumpy.
I'm taking him down to the pub"?
206
00:08:16,885 --> 00:08:18,352
But that--
that's what it was like.
207
00:08:18,324 --> 00:08:19,891
"Tony, you bringing
a baby to the pub?"
208
00:08:19,860 --> 00:08:21,828
"yeah, I might do."
"yeah, we'll bring in ours.
209
00:08:21,781 --> 00:08:23,381
All right,
see you later, mate."
210
00:08:23,349 --> 00:08:25,016
But that's what I'm saying.
Whereas now they go,
211
00:08:24,981 --> 00:08:26,915
"the baby's gone!
" there's a big full-on panic going on.
212
00:08:26,869 --> 00:08:29,103
But I think it says more about your
parents that they didn't do that.
213
00:08:29,044 --> 00:08:31,245
They looked out in the back
garden and you were gone.
214
00:08:31,188 --> 00:08:32,789
Some bloke's
driving off in a van.
215
00:08:32,756 --> 00:08:35,158
They're just going, "oh, he
drove down to the pub."
216
00:08:35,092 --> 00:08:37,427
"doesn't princess Dian
look lovely?"
217
00:08:37,365 --> 00:08:39,633
This is absurd.
218
00:08:39,573 --> 00:08:41,340
So what happened
when you got in the pub?
219
00:08:41,301 --> 00:08:42,735
I just was there
for a bit, and then--
220
00:08:42,709 --> 00:08:45,011
"there for a bit"?
Just had a game of pool?
221
00:08:44,949 --> 00:08:47,718
Then me dad came in.
He was like, "oh, there you are."
222
00:08:47,638 --> 00:08:49,906
"oh, there you are.
" I love that.
223
00:08:49,845 --> 00:08:53,681
Oh, where's my baby?
I'm just gonna have a quick pint.
224
00:08:53,557 --> 00:08:55,458
Oh, there you are.
All right, mate.
225
00:09:00,854 --> 00:09:02,188
So, uh, yeah. Well, I think
things are better again.
226
00:09:02,166 --> 00:09:04,301
It's Karl's diary.
227
00:09:04,248 --> 00:09:07,917
Oh, what's he written today?
228
00:09:09,976 --> 00:09:11,943
"Told Suzanne that I had read"
229
00:09:11,896 --> 00:09:14,463
That we will have spoken
to aliens by the year 2025.
230
00:09:14,391 --> 00:09:17,227
Ricky once told me that if a
lion could speak English,
231
00:09:17,144 --> 00:09:18,812
It still couldn't have
a good chat with us
232
00:09:18,776 --> 00:09:20,444
'cause its life
is different to ours.
233
00:09:20,409 --> 00:09:22,577
If that's true, we've got
no chance with an alien.
234
00:09:22,521 --> 00:09:25,256
I'd be worried that an alien
could read my mind.
235
00:09:25,176 --> 00:09:27,477
I had that problem
once years ago
236
00:09:27,416 --> 00:09:29,918
When I worked in a studio
making cassettes.
237
00:09:29,848 --> 00:09:33,618
Some mind-reading woman was
having some cassettes made.
238
00:09:33,498 --> 00:09:35,098
She waited
while I did th.
239
00:09:35,065 --> 00:09:36,933
She had a small dog.
240
00:09:36,889 --> 00:09:38,757
I knew she was trying
to read my mind,
241
00:09:38,713 --> 00:09:41,248
So I just thought
about the dog.
242
00:09:41,177 --> 00:09:43,045
I thought that would
confuse her
243
00:09:43,001 --> 00:09:46,203
'cause she wouldn't understand why
I was thinking about her dog."
244
00:09:46,106 --> 00:09:47,506
That's amazing.
245
00:09:47,482 --> 00:09:50,016
So, firstly, how'd you know
she was a mind-reading woman?
246
00:09:49,946 --> 00:09:51,913
Everybody who came in
having cassettes done--
247
00:09:51,866 --> 00:09:53,700
You'd find out about
what the job is.
248
00:09:53,657 --> 00:09:55,625
So, you know, if it's a band,
249
00:09:55,577 --> 00:09:57,177
Or whatever
it might be--
250
00:09:57,145 --> 00:09:59,813
A police station needing blank
cassettes to interview people.
251
00:09:59,737 --> 00:10:01,238
- Yeah.
- And she had them
252
00:10:01,210 --> 00:10:03,612
To sort of use
during a thing
253
00:10:03,547 --> 00:10:05,248
Where they do
mind-reading and stuff.
254
00:10:05,211 --> 00:10:07,245
- So you'd get a recording of it.
- A recording of the--
255
00:10:07,194 --> 00:10:09,129
And she was just there
and she was staring at me,
256
00:10:09,083 --> 00:10:11,050
Just looking over.
257
00:10:11,003 --> 00:10:12,604
And her dog was
sort of looking worried.
258
00:10:12,571 --> 00:10:14,572
- And they pick up vibes, don't they?
- No.
259
00:10:14,523 --> 00:10:16,624
- They do. Were they looking--
I'm not being funny--
260
00:10:16,571 --> 00:10:18,371
Were they looking at the
roundness of your head?
261
00:10:18,330 --> 00:10:19,497
, they were just looking at me.
262
00:10:19,483 --> 00:10:21,050
And I was sort of
panicking a bit.
263
00:10:21,019 --> 00:10:22,920
And the more I was thinking
she's reading me mind,
264
00:10:22,875 --> 00:10:25,745
I was thinking, she knows that I
know that she's reading me mind,
265
00:10:25,660 --> 00:10:27,795
So I just stopped thinking
about her reading me mind.
266
00:10:27,741 --> 00:10:30,443
Thought about the dog.
What were you thinking about the dog?
267
00:10:30,365 --> 00:10:32,167
Just running about
on a beach.
268
00:10:32,126 --> 00:10:34,695
He remembers
what he was thinking.
269
00:10:34,623 --> 00:10:36,324
No, just so she thought,
"hang on a minute,
270
00:10:36,287 --> 00:10:38,688
It's not his mind.
It's the dog's mind I'm picking up."
271
00:10:40,510 --> 00:10:43,778
Oh, so you thought she'd go,
"oh no, hang on.
272
00:10:43,678 --> 00:10:46,312
I'm getting all tangled up.
I've got a crossed line here."
273
00:10:47,676 --> 00:10:49,576
"I'm out with my mate Laurie."
274
00:10:49,532 --> 00:10:51,834
He said he was in a pub
at the weekend and saw a bloke
275
00:10:51,773 --> 00:10:54,209
Whose hands were
on the wrong arms."
276
00:10:54,143 --> 00:10:55,577
no!
277
00:10:55,551 --> 00:10:57,552
No.
What do you mean?
278
00:10:57,502 --> 00:11:00,469
Well, "he had his left hand on his right arm
and the right hand on the left arm."
279
00:11:02,557 --> 00:11:04,025
I don't think
this would be a problem
280
00:11:03,997 --> 00:11:05,665
If he's been like that
from an early age.
281
00:11:05,630 --> 00:11:07,331
When I was in Ripley's
in L.A.,
282
00:11:07,294 --> 00:11:09,696
I saw a bloke whose head
was on back to front."
283
00:11:09,631 --> 00:11:12,166
That's more annoying,
isn't it, than your hands?
284
00:11:12,096 --> 00:11:14,831
Isn't it?
285
00:11:14,753 --> 00:11:16,921
Now then, would you walk--
how would you walk?
286
00:11:16,865 --> 00:11:19,301
Would you be walking backwards,
Karl, so that you could walk--
287
00:11:19,234 --> 00:11:20,735
So you're basically
walking forwards?
288
00:11:20,706 --> 00:11:24,243
I'd walk sideways so nobody
would tell the difference.
289
00:11:27,363 --> 00:11:30,198
Oh God.
He's solved it again.
290
00:11:30,115 --> 00:11:32,783
He's thought it through.
291
00:11:32,707 --> 00:11:34,440
"got home and read
the magazine.
292
00:11:34,402 --> 00:11:37,401
There was a story about a baby that
was born that looked like a frog."
293
00:11:37,312 --> 00:11:39,178
what magazine's this?
294
00:11:39,135 --> 00:11:40,835
Uh, that made the news.
295
00:11:40,799 --> 00:11:42,432
That was in a proper
newspaper in the end.
296
00:11:42,398 --> 00:11:44,565
"it didn't really have a neck
or top half of its head.
297
00:11:44,510 --> 00:11:48,013
It would look all right if it
always wore a scarf and a hat.
298
00:11:47,903 --> 00:11:49,872
The world would be
a more interesting place
299
00:11:49,825 --> 00:11:52,894
If there were loads of different types
of humans like there are creatures.
300
00:11:52,801 --> 00:11:54,969
Then some people would be
good at certain jobs.
301
00:11:54,914 --> 00:11:58,315
Spider people,
ant people-- builders.
302
00:11:58,208 --> 00:12:00,377
Cockroach people--
dustbin men."
303
00:12:01,922 --> 00:12:03,954
- Good idea, isn't it?
- I mean--
304
00:12:03,905 --> 00:12:06,237
Cockroach men, spider men?
What are you talking about?
305
00:12:06,175 --> 00:12:08,576
Look at some insects, right?
They don't have machinery.
306
00:12:08,510 --> 00:12:10,344
Yet they're getting by,
aren't they?
307
00:12:10,303 --> 00:12:12,737
They-- they have
their lives like we do.
308
00:12:12,671 --> 00:12:14,805
They get up.
They wander about.
309
00:12:14,750 --> 00:12:17,218
They collect food.
They tidy up.
310
00:12:17,151 --> 00:12:19,519
They fix stuff.
They me their own house.
311
00:12:19,455 --> 00:12:22,290
We can't do any of that.
So what I'm saying is
312
00:12:22,206 --> 00:12:24,140
Why aren't we using them?
313
00:12:24,095 --> 00:12:27,463
Why are these cockroaches with
all these powers and stuff...
314
00:12:27,359 --> 00:12:29,260
- Powers.
- ...Keep going about?
315
00:12:29,215 --> 00:12:32,150
- "all these powers." - But how could we use them?
How could we harness them?
316
00:12:32,063 --> 00:12:33,930
I just told you--
dustbin men or whatever--
317
00:12:33,887 --> 00:12:36,455
But no, you've said
if they were also men.
318
00:12:36,383 --> 00:12:38,117
If they were cockroach men,
we could use them.
319
00:12:38,079 --> 00:12:40,114
Where's the-- where's--?
You've left a big bit out
320
00:12:40,063 --> 00:12:42,031
About when that
1" cockroach
321
00:12:41,983 --> 00:12:44,919
Becomes a 6' bloke
wearing a jacket.
322
00:12:44,832 --> 00:12:47,201
It's just that we always use
insects for a bit of fun.
323
00:12:47,137 --> 00:12:50,307
You see flea circuses and all
that, which is all very well,
324
00:12:50,209 --> 00:12:53,244
But I don't think it's getting
the most out of them.
325
00:12:53,153 --> 00:12:55,722
"woke up at 9:55 A.M."
326
00:12:55,650 --> 00:12:57,217
Soon as I woke up,
327
00:12:57,186 --> 00:12:59,153
I looked at Suzanne
and she looked at me.
328
00:12:59,106 --> 00:13:02,575
I said, 'did I tell you
about the immune system?'"
329
00:13:07,201 --> 00:13:09,867
"Suzanne started laughing.
I said, 'it's amazing.'
330
00:13:09,791 --> 00:13:12,626
She said, 'not now.'"
331
00:13:15,840 --> 00:13:18,108
Oh God.
I'm just thinking that.
332
00:13:18,048 --> 00:13:20,916
He's springing into action.
He zips up.
333
00:13:20,832 --> 00:13:22,766
"did tell you about
the immune system?"
334
00:13:22,720 --> 00:13:24,354
"oh, shut up, Karl.
Put the kettle on."
335
00:13:24,320 --> 00:13:28,089
Oh God.
Oh, fucking hell.
336
00:13:30,593 --> 00:13:32,561
Karl, let's give 'em
a list--
337
00:13:32,513 --> 00:13:34,814
Top five something.
What are you interested in?
338
00:13:34,753 --> 00:13:38,923
Are you interested in news, sport, t.
V., cars, movies, style?
339
00:13:38,786 --> 00:13:40,753
I mean, I'm into weird stuff,
340
00:13:40,706 --> 00:13:42,973
But it seems a bit tight
to stick 'em in a list.
341
00:13:42,914 --> 00:13:44,314
What? Like what?
342
00:13:44,289 --> 00:13:46,958
Like, you know, sort of
freaky people and that.
343
00:13:46,882 --> 00:13:48,583
I've got that--
I've got that freak book.
344
00:13:48,546 --> 00:13:50,247
But I don't know
if they'd be happy
345
00:13:50,210 --> 00:13:52,011
If I call one of them up
and said, "good news.
346
00:13:51,971 --> 00:13:54,873
You're at number one 'cause you
got four legs," or whatever.
347
00:13:54,787 --> 00:13:57,289
I don't know--
do you know what I mean?
348
00:13:57,219 --> 00:13:58,720
Okay then, this is
349
00:13:58,691 --> 00:14:01,860
"the Karl Pilkington
top 5 freaks."
350
00:14:01,763 --> 00:14:03,631
In at number five...
351
00:14:03,587 --> 00:14:05,555
Um...
352
00:14:05,507 --> 00:14:07,441
Probably, uh...
353
00:14:07,396 --> 00:14:09,030
Something not too good
at number five,
354
00:14:08,996 --> 00:14:10,330
But it's still
interesting--
355
00:14:10,308 --> 00:14:11,942
Lighthouse man.
356
00:14:11,908 --> 00:14:14,109
Who's that?
What's lighthouse man?
357
00:14:14,051 --> 00:14:16,218
It's a fellow with
a hole in his head.
358
00:14:18,211 --> 00:14:19,878
And he--
what he does,
359
00:14:19,842 --> 00:14:22,277
Rather than moan about it--
sticks a candle in it.
360
00:14:22,210 --> 00:14:24,144
Shut up.
What you talking about?
361
00:14:24,098 --> 00:14:26,099
What are you talking about?
Where is the hole?
362
00:14:26,050 --> 00:14:28,052
I bet he didn't call himself
lighthouse man, did he?
363
00:14:28,002 --> 00:14:29,636
Well, I don't know.
It's just what--
364
00:14:29,603 --> 00:14:31,738
What he got nicknamed
'cause he had this hole.
365
00:14:31,684 --> 00:14:33,652
Doctors were like,
"there's nothing we can do.
366
00:14:33,604 --> 00:14:35,506
Can't fill it.
So what can we do with it?"
367
00:14:35,461 --> 00:14:37,897
And it was of the days when there
was no electric and that.
368
00:14:37,830 --> 00:14:39,364
You had to walk about
with a candle.
369
00:14:39,334 --> 00:14:42,335
"so hang on a minute.
That's a candle holder here."
370
00:14:42,245 --> 00:14:46,548
Stuck a candle in it.
And he just got nicknamed the lighthouse man.
371
00:14:46,405 --> 00:14:48,541
So again, not--
it's not that amazing,
372
00:14:48,486 --> 00:14:51,689
But I like the way he was
sort of energy efficient.
373
00:14:51,591 --> 00:14:52,992
So was it in his forehead?
374
00:14:52,967 --> 00:14:54,534
No, on the very top
of his head.
375
00:14:54,503 --> 00:14:56,370
That's perfect.
You don't want it in the forehead.
376
00:14:56,327 --> 00:14:58,127
You'd have to walk about
with your neck cricked.
377
00:14:58,086 --> 00:14:59,720
So he was like a kind of
human Jack o' lantern?
378
00:14:59,686 --> 00:15:01,286
- Yeah.
- He was a lighthouse man.
379
00:15:01,254 --> 00:15:03,588
What better description do you
need than "The Lighthouse Man"?
380
00:15:03,525 --> 00:15:05,492
So yeah, he's probably
at number five.
381
00:15:05,445 --> 00:15:07,178
Wow, that's at
number five, Steve.
382
00:15:07,141 --> 00:15:08,741
Number four.
383
00:15:08,708 --> 00:15:12,443
What about the pig-faced
woman of Manchester Square?
384
00:15:12,323 --> 00:15:14,024
Again, you're getting
what he says, don't you?
385
00:15:13,987 --> 00:15:15,655
On the tin there,
aren't you?
386
00:15:15,619 --> 00:15:18,021
It's just this woman
who had a face like a pig.
387
00:15:17,957 --> 00:15:20,892
- And the rumor was...
- Yeah.
388
00:15:20,804 --> 00:15:23,206
...That it wasn't a woman.
389
00:15:23,141 --> 00:15:26,045
Someone said it was a pet
bear and they'd shaved it.
390
00:15:25,959 --> 00:15:28,462
Oh God.
391
00:15:28,393 --> 00:15:31,328
Was this someone-- was this someone
you saw or you just read about?
392
00:15:31,242 --> 00:15:34,243
No no, this is going back.
This is years and years ago
393
00:15:34,152 --> 00:15:36,253
When there was loads
of weird-looking people.
394
00:15:36,201 --> 00:15:39,169
I mean, the fact that it's the
pig-faced woman of Manchester square
395
00:15:39,081 --> 00:15:40,948
Says there might
have been one in...
396
00:15:40,905 --> 00:15:42,673
- Piccadilly circus?
- Yeah, whatever.
397
00:15:42,633 --> 00:15:45,335
So there was a lot more of them
knocking about back then.
398
00:15:45,257 --> 00:15:47,191
Let's assume
that it was a woman,
399
00:15:47,146 --> 00:15:51,246
And the first one, you know, the
lighthouse fellow, he's a human--
400
00:15:51,111 --> 00:15:53,080
Do you think
people would object
401
00:15:53,033 --> 00:15:56,506
Because of their
disfigurement, deformity,
402
00:15:56,396 --> 00:15:59,298
Um, to like being
called freaks?
403
00:15:59,212 --> 00:16:00,813
Do you think--?
404
00:16:00,780 --> 00:16:02,581
Well, it gave 'em
a purpose back then.
405
00:16:02,540 --> 00:16:04,575
See, if you were
a freak years ago,
406
00:16:04,525 --> 00:16:06,359
There was work for you.
407
00:16:06,317 --> 00:16:07,951
You'd have these
circus things.
408
00:16:07,917 --> 00:16:10,185
Now if you've got a funny
head, you're on the dole.
409
00:16:10,126 --> 00:16:11,693
Number three?
410
00:16:11,661 --> 00:16:13,129
What about
elephant man?
411
00:16:13,102 --> 00:16:14,936
Stick him
at number three.
412
00:16:14,895 --> 00:16:17,664
- He's number three.
- He's surely the most famous freak
413
00:16:17,583 --> 00:16:18,817
Ever to have lived,
isn't he?
414
00:16:18,800 --> 00:16:21,235
He's the one
who got me into it.
415
00:16:21,168 --> 00:16:22,869
Right, yeah, Se.
416
00:16:22,832 --> 00:16:26,100
He's a sort of entry-level
freak, a gateway k.
417
00:16:26,000 --> 00:16:27,767
Everyone-- everyone
is aware of him.
418
00:16:27,727 --> 00:16:30,528
If the elephant man
still existed, right,
419
00:16:30,447 --> 00:16:32,448
And you got the
opportunity to meet him
420
00:16:32,398 --> 00:16:34,499
And he walked --
a couple of questions.
421
00:16:34,446 --> 00:16:36,380
One-- what would your
first reaction be?
422
00:16:36,334 --> 00:16:38,836
And two-- what you say-- what
would your first question be?
423
00:16:38,766 --> 00:16:40,600
How would I react?
424
00:16:40,558 --> 00:16:43,493
Well, I've sort of seen him enough
now that it wouldn't shock me.
425
00:16:43,406 --> 00:16:47,342
So I don't even think I'd flinch.
Okay.
426
00:16:47,215 --> 00:16:49,182
I mean, like I said,
when I first saw you,
427
00:16:49,135 --> 00:16:52,134
That-- that was--
that was a bit weird.
428
00:16:52,045 --> 00:16:53,545
But now look,
I can look at you.
429
00:16:53,517 --> 00:16:56,052
I don't double-take
or anything.
430
00:16:55,981 --> 00:16:58,417
Uh, what would I say
to him though? What--?
431
00:16:58,351 --> 00:17:01,286
I'd probably say, "where did
you get that hat to fit you?
432
00:17:01,199 --> 00:17:03,067
You always have
a hat on.
433
00:17:03,023 --> 00:17:05,691
Where did you
get that from?"
434
00:17:09,615 --> 00:17:11,316
That sort of flat cap
that he's got?
435
00:17:11,279 --> 00:17:13,414
Yeah yeah, that one.
436
00:17:13,359 --> 00:17:15,794
So yeah, I'd have him--
so he's at number three.
437
00:17:15,727 --> 00:17:18,128
Right, the elephant man
at number three.
438
00:17:18,064 --> 00:17:20,332
I can't wait for two and one.
Right, okay, number two.
439
00:17:20,271 --> 00:17:23,139
Well, I know what me number one is.
It's just number two now.
440
00:17:23,056 --> 00:17:25,724
I don't know his name, but there's
a fellow knocking about--
441
00:17:25,648 --> 00:17:28,116
I don't think he's around anymore.
But he had a normal body.
442
00:17:28,048 --> 00:17:31,317
Looking at him, you'd go, "what's up with him?
He's not a freak."
443
00:17:31,217 --> 00:17:33,418
Takes his undies off--
got two knobs.
444
00:17:33,360 --> 00:17:35,061
- Has he?
- Right.
445
00:17:35,025 --> 00:17:37,960
Wow, okay.
446
00:17:37,873 --> 00:17:39,507
I mean, there's nowhere
to start.
447
00:17:39,473 --> 00:17:42,441
Do you think he uses them
alternately,
448
00:17:42,353 --> 00:17:45,021
Like, "I'll have a wee out of
this one, a wee out of that one"?
449
00:17:44,946 --> 00:17:47,247
Or does he just like
spread the load
450
00:17:47,185 --> 00:17:49,453
- So he's weeing out of both?
- I don't think he knows.
451
00:17:49,394 --> 00:17:51,628
- What do you mean, he doesn't know?
- Like a lucky dip.
452
00:17:51,569 --> 00:17:53,971
When he goes to a urinal, he can
have a little bet with himself.
453
00:17:53,906 --> 00:17:56,274
He's just like, "I don't know
what's gonna happen here."
454
00:17:56,209 --> 00:17:58,210
- Do you reckon he holds them both out?
- Definitely.
455
00:17:58,161 --> 00:18:00,296
So he takes his trousers down
'cause I mean, you know--
456
00:18:00,241 --> 00:18:02,943
- Yeah, he can't use a y-front.
- Right.
457
00:18:02,866 --> 00:18:04,433
Need more like
a w-front.
458
00:18:04,402 --> 00:18:08,605
Yeah, so he pops
his kecks down there.
459
00:18:08,466 --> 00:18:10,267
I don't think it's
that much of a problem.
460
00:18:10,226 --> 00:18:12,060
- It's not like--
- Well...
461
00:18:12,017 --> 00:18:14,886
I don't know.
462
00:18:14,802 --> 00:18:16,970
I'd prefer that than
elephant man's head.
463
00:18:16,914 --> 00:18:19,682
- Well, of course you would.
- Well, At's what I'm saying.
464
00:18:19,602 --> 00:18:21,970
What if you had
elephant man's knob?
465
00:18:21,906 --> 00:18:24,241
Yeah, but it didn't work
like that, did it?
466
00:18:24,178 --> 00:18:26,680
That's the thing.
They said he had the body of an elephant,
467
00:18:26,610 --> 00:18:28,378
But that's the only thing
468
00:18:28,339 --> 00:18:30,373
That wasn't
of an elephant's standard.
469
00:18:30,323 --> 00:18:33,191
His knob was normal.
470
00:18:33,107 --> 00:18:35,208
Whereas with this fella,
it's the other way round.
471
00:18:35,155 --> 00:18:36,889
Everything normal,
took the pants off,
472
00:18:36,852 --> 00:18:38,452
"oh wow,
what's going on here?"
473
00:18:38,419 --> 00:18:41,321
But why would you ever
take his pants off?
474
00:18:41,236 --> 00:18:43,170
Well, I wouldn't.
I'm just saying if--
475
00:18:43,123 --> 00:18:45,058
I don't know why
you'd be in a situation
476
00:18:45,012 --> 00:18:48,081
With this man with two knobs
standing there with his pants on
477
00:18:47,988 --> 00:18:51,023
And you go, "pop your pants off.
" you're not a doctor.
478
00:18:50,932 --> 00:18:53,867
No, say if I'm waiting in
a cubicle and he's there.
479
00:18:53,780 --> 00:18:56,415
- For what? - So you're in
a cubicle and he comes in?
480
00:18:56,340 --> 00:18:57,841
I'm waiting to have a wee
in that cubicle.
481
00:18:57,812 --> 00:18:59,913
- Oh, in the toilet.
- He's taking two urinals up.
482
00:18:59,861 --> 00:19:01,461
I'm going, "you don't
need them both, do you?"
483
00:19:01,429 --> 00:19:03,397
He goes, "well, actually,
have a look at this."
484
00:19:03,349 --> 00:19:05,083
- Right.
- He's got two knobs.
485
00:19:05,045 --> 00:19:06,812
See, I didn't see him
at two urinals.
486
00:19:06,773 --> 00:19:09,241
I saw him at one,
maybe them pointing inwards.
487
00:19:09,173 --> 00:19:12,709
If you had that and, say, the
first time that you met Suzanne,
488
00:19:12,597 --> 00:19:14,131
Would you mention that
straight up?
489
00:19:14,102 --> 00:19:16,570
Would you say, "right,
before this goes any further,
490
00:19:16,501 --> 00:19:18,168
I've got something
to show you"?
491
00:19:18,134 --> 00:19:20,135
Tell me exactly
what you would say.
492
00:19:20,086 --> 00:19:21,287
...
493
00:19:21,270 --> 00:19:22,937
You had a normal head then,
didn't you?
494
00:19:22,903 --> 00:19:25,037
I had-- I had
the same head, yeah.
495
00:19:24,983 --> 00:19:28,218
Yeah, but it had hair
coming out of it, didn't it?
496
00:19:28,118 --> 00:19:30,687
Yeah, but she also had a
smaller ass back then as well.
497
00:19:30,615 --> 00:19:32,582
So I think we've both
been dumb.
498
00:19:32,535 --> 00:19:34,902
Anyway, we need to get
to number one.
499
00:19:34,839 --> 00:19:38,108
Yeah, number one.
It's pillow man.
500
00:19:38,007 --> 00:19:40,142
- Oh yeah.
- Pillow man, okay.
501
00:19:40,088 --> 00:19:42,422
Now explain for those
that don't know who he was.
502
00:19:42,359 --> 00:19:44,327
He's-- he's a fella
503
00:19:44,279 --> 00:19:45,913
With no arms and legs.
504
00:19:45,880 --> 00:19:50,016
Just a head and a little body,
nicknamed "pillow man."
505
00:19:49,880 --> 00:19:51,180
Well, why is he your favorite?
506
00:19:51,160 --> 00:19:53,094
Just because he's amazing,
507
00:19:53,048 --> 00:19:55,749
Just the way he just
got on with his life.
508
00:19:55,673 --> 00:19:58,607
He used to light a cig
just using his lips
509
00:19:58,520 --> 00:20:01,188
And his tongue and that.
I've seen this.
510
00:20:01,113 --> 00:20:03,447
And not fully lit.
He'd buy roll-your-own.
511
00:20:03,384 --> 00:20:05,685
Yeah, it's in the film
"Freaks," isn't it?
512
00:20:05,623 --> 00:20:07,021
- Yeah.
- And he would roll--
513
00:20:06,997 --> 00:20:09,100
- He had to shave as well.
- Yeah, that's right, yeah.
514
00:20:09,046 --> 00:20:10,947
- How did he have a shave?
- He used to do it--
515
00:20:10,902 --> 00:20:12,837
He used to get it in his
mouth and-- I don't know.
516
00:20:12,791 --> 00:20:14,224
- Jesus.
- It's amazing.
517
00:20:14,199 --> 00:20:15,867
Did he have--
did he have a knob?
518
00:20:15,831 --> 00:20:17,633
I think he did,
'cause he had some kids.
519
00:20:17,592 --> 00:20:19,194
- What?
- Yeah, he had kids.
520
00:20:19,161 --> 00:20:20,896
He was
an all-right-looking fella.
521
00:20:20,858 --> 00:20:23,427
- He wasn't odd-looking.
Sorry?
522
00:20:23,354 --> 00:20:25,321
He looked like
Samuel l. Jackson.
523
00:20:25,274 --> 00:20:27,208
Imagine him
with no arms and legs.
524
00:20:27,162 --> 00:20:28,862
Right, that's odd though,
isn't it?
525
00:20:28,825 --> 00:20:31,527
Um, it's weird, but you've
gotta give it to him.
526
00:20:31,449 --> 00:20:34,551
You know, I mean, he's there rolling
his own-- he's pretty cool-looking.
527
00:20:34,457 --> 00:20:37,426
I just wanna say to people--
you say it looks cool,
528
00:20:37,337 --> 00:20:39,273
You know, with no arms
and no legs to smoke.
529
00:20:39,227 --> 00:20:42,732
But don't forget that smoking
can stunt your growth.
530
00:20:42,622 --> 00:20:44,823
Yeah.
But, uh...
531
00:20:44,766 --> 00:20:46,734
Yeah, remember he was
on like this--
532
00:20:46,687 --> 00:20:49,356
This circus freak show thing
533
00:20:49,281 --> 00:20:51,648
With a bearded woman,
right?
534
00:20:51,584 --> 00:20:54,353
She isn't really a freak, 'cause
she could have had a shave.
535
00:20:54,272 --> 00:20:56,641
Have a shave-- you're not a freak anymore.
A bearded woman--
536
00:20:56,577 --> 00:20:59,445
Compared to a fellow who's got no
arms and legs, a bearded woman--
537
00:20:59,361 --> 00:21:01,395
Get out.
538
00:21:01,345 --> 00:21:04,379
But there was--
there was a fellow
539
00:21:04,288 --> 00:21:06,855
With no bottom half to his body
540
00:21:06,783 --> 00:21:09,649
Called-- Johnny Eck
was his name.
541
00:21:11,931 --> 00:21:14,833
So, you know, when you're
knocking about with that crowd...
542
00:21:14,747 --> 00:21:16,781
"get out."
543
00:21:16,731 --> 00:21:18,965
...You're gonna
get a bit.
544
00:21:18,906 --> 00:21:20,473
So yeah, he had kids
545
00:21:20,443 --> 00:21:22,577
And they were all normal kids.
They had all their limbs.
546
00:21:22,523 --> 00:21:24,090
And did his wife
have arms and legs?
547
00:21:24,059 --> 00:21:25,893
- Never saw his wife.
- Never saw his wife?
548
00:21:25,851 --> 00:21:28,219
He was probably ashamed of her.
She was a bit of a freak.
549
00:21:28,155 --> 00:21:31,057
For someone like him, you'd think
he'd just give up, wouldn't you?
550
00:21:30,971 --> 00:21:32,872
You'd think, "forget it.
What sort of life is it?"
551
00:21:32,828 --> 00:21:35,629
- Yeah. - I'm like a
Mexican jumping Bean.
552
00:21:35,548 --> 00:21:37,482
It's not worth living.
553
00:21:37,436 --> 00:21:39,303
But he just got on
with it.
554
00:21:39,259 --> 00:21:42,395
I mean, to have a shave-- I don't
even bother having a shave some days.
555
00:21:42,300 --> 00:21:45,269
No no, nor did the bearded lady.
Lazy fucking bitch.
556
00:21:45,180 --> 00:21:47,715
So that's why I've put him
at me number-one position.
557
00:21:47,645 --> 00:21:51,180
It's just amazing,
isn't it, the human--
558
00:21:51,069 --> 00:21:53,237
You know, how whatever
you're dealt,
559
00:21:53,181 --> 00:21:55,382
- Some people just get on with it.
- Yeah.
560
00:21:55,326 --> 00:21:57,493
So yeah, the pillow man.
561
00:21:57,438 --> 00:22:00,173
Or draft excluder,
as I prefer to call him.
562
00:22:00,093 --> 00:22:02,461
There you go.
563
00:22:02,398 --> 00:22:04,298
Oh.
564
00:22:07,710 --> 00:22:09,878
Now me and Steve are
a couple of big shots.
565
00:22:09,823 --> 00:22:12,824
We do this for a laugh. But this is Karl
Pilkington's only source of income.
566
00:22:12,734 --> 00:22:14,168
This is what you do now,
isn't it?
567
00:22:14,142 --> 00:22:15,842
This is
me full-time job, yeah.
568
00:22:15,806 --> 00:22:17,239
What do you think of that?
569
00:22:17,214 --> 00:22:18,748
- It depresses me.
- Why?
570
00:22:18,718 --> 00:22:21,253
This isn't what I ever wanted.
571
00:22:21,182 --> 00:22:23,116
'cause I haven't got
a purpose, have I?
572
00:22:23,070 --> 00:22:25,405
I'm sat here talking
about the pillow man.
573
00:22:25,342 --> 00:22:27,410
If it weren't for him,
I'd have nothing to say.
574
00:22:27,358 --> 00:22:30,127
It just depresses me
I just wish I had a job
575
00:22:30,046 --> 00:22:33,148
Where I felt
like I was needed.
576
00:22:33,055 --> 00:22:35,122
And I don't
feel needed.
577
00:22:35,071 --> 00:22:36,571
- It's not a proper job.
- Need you.
578
00:22:36,542 --> 00:22:39,078
- We need you.
- We need you for money for old rope.
579
00:22:39,007 --> 00:22:41,342
I know, but this isn't--
I wanted something that,
580
00:22:41,280 --> 00:22:43,081
You know, when you get--
when you die and that,
581
00:22:43,039 --> 00:22:45,174
You know, you get up
to the gates, whatever,
582
00:22:45,120 --> 00:22:46,721
And they say,
"what have you done?"
583
00:22:46,688 --> 00:22:48,022
And then
I'm looking worried,
584
00:22:48,000 --> 00:22:50,201
Thinking,
"is the pillow man about?"
585
00:22:50,251 --> 00:22:54,801
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