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1
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Downloaded From www.AllSubs.org
2
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freeze!
3
00:00:52,502 --> 00:00:55,167
d.j., put that back in the box.
i just packed it.
4
00:00:55,202 --> 00:00:56,501
this is my laser gun.
5
00:00:56,536 --> 00:00:59,300
i know, it fried my hair.
6
00:00:59,335 --> 00:01:01,801
if i shoot you,
your eyeballs will freeze
7
00:01:01,836 --> 00:01:03,200
and you'll turn
into a zombie.
8
00:01:03,235 --> 00:01:07,234
that's kind of like your dad
when he watches tv.
9
00:01:07,269 --> 00:01:09,534
i heard that.
blast her, d.j.
10
00:01:09,569 --> 00:01:12,367
- bam!
- ahh!
11
00:01:14,801 --> 00:01:17,667
good shooting, beldar!
12
00:01:17,702 --> 00:01:19,601
thanks.
13
00:01:19,636 --> 00:01:21,834
honey, where do you
want this box?
14
00:01:21,869 --> 00:01:23,400
oh, god.
15
00:01:23,435 --> 00:01:26,834
even when i'm dead you're
asking me where stuff goes.
16
00:01:26,869 --> 00:01:28,868
p.t.a. rummage sale's
gonna love me.
17
00:01:28,903 --> 00:01:31,300
well, this house oughta be
their headquarters.
18
00:01:31,335 --> 00:01:33,534
why are you giving
all this stuff away?
19
00:01:33,569 --> 00:01:35,267
we're not giving
all this stuff away.
20
00:01:35,302 --> 00:01:37,334
we're just giving
the crummy stuff away.
21
00:01:37,369 --> 00:01:40,701
yeah, like we oughta fold you
in half and stick you in a box.
22
00:01:40,736 --> 00:01:42,267
ow!ow!
23
00:01:42,302 --> 00:01:44,667
- is becky home yet?
- not yet.
24
00:01:44,702 --> 00:01:46,200
ow!ow!
25
00:01:46,235 --> 00:01:50,234
one kid down,
two to go, darlene.
26
00:01:50,269 --> 00:01:52,734
you guys are major dweebs.
27
00:01:52,769 --> 00:01:56,167
oh, thank you, honey.
that means so much to us.
28
00:02:01,534 --> 00:02:04,400
get in that kitchen and
rustle me up some grub, woman.
29
00:02:04,435 --> 00:02:08,067
oh, i love it when you
talk like a man.
30
00:02:08,102 --> 00:02:12,100
i can't believe you're
gonna throw this away.
31
00:02:12,135 --> 00:02:16,033
i wasn't, i was just
gonna get it rebristled.
32
00:02:16,068 --> 00:02:19,434
this was in my
"to be fixed" box.
33
00:02:19,469 --> 00:02:21,934
oh, you mean your
"talked about fixing it" box?
34
00:02:21,969 --> 00:02:25,501
dear, i can only fix
one thing at a time.
35
00:02:25,536 --> 00:02:28,033
and i'm still
working on you.
36
00:02:31,067 --> 00:02:33,434
kiss it goodbye, dan.
37
00:02:33,469 --> 00:02:36,234
i'm tired of all this junk
cluttering up my house.
38
00:02:39,167 --> 00:02:41,501
your house?
39
00:02:41,536 --> 00:02:44,968
she who cleans it,
keeps it.
40
00:02:45,003 --> 00:02:46,100
oh, yeah?
41
00:02:46,135 --> 00:02:48,033
well, a man's home
is his castle.
42
00:02:53,801 --> 00:02:56,234
- oh, yeah?
- yeah.
43
00:02:56,269 --> 00:02:57,801
let's face it, dan,
44
00:02:57,836 --> 00:03:01,968
you are a junk junkie,
a hardcore pack rat.
45
00:03:02,003 --> 00:03:03,200
i am not.
46
00:03:03,235 --> 00:03:05,300
yeah, you are.
47
00:03:05,335 --> 00:03:06,667
you're right, babe.
48
00:03:06,702 --> 00:03:09,567
i do keep too much stuff
cluttering up your house.
49
00:03:09,602 --> 00:03:11,667
what are you
gonna do about it?
50
00:03:13,202 --> 00:03:15,567
i'm gonna go cold turkey.
51
00:03:15,602 --> 00:03:17,801
starting right now.
52
00:03:20,400 --> 00:03:22,868
so long, old pal.
i'm gonna miss you.
53
00:03:22,903 --> 00:03:25,667
well, i'll leave
you two alone.
54
00:03:25,702 --> 00:03:28,100
you know what?i want you
to go up in your closet
55
00:03:28,135 --> 00:03:30,167
and throw out
everything that i hate.
56
00:03:30,202 --> 00:03:33,601
that oughta keep you busy
most of the day.
57
00:03:33,636 --> 00:03:36,200
your every wish
is my command.
58
00:03:36,235 --> 00:03:37,534
really?
59
00:03:37,569 --> 00:03:39,434
oh, yeah, baby.
i love to serve.
60
00:03:39,469 --> 00:03:43,300
well, now i like a guy
who knows his place.
61
00:03:43,335 --> 00:03:46,434
hey, is that a toothbrush
in your pocket
62
00:03:46,469 --> 00:03:48,968
or are you just
happy to see me?
63
00:03:50,133 --> 00:03:52,968
- don't say a word.
- what?
64
00:03:53,003 --> 00:03:55,133
- just come upstairs.
- what'd you do?
65
00:03:55,168 --> 00:03:56,267
just come on.
66
00:03:56,302 --> 00:03:59,367
- can i come?
- no.
67
00:03:59,402 --> 00:04:01,234
- where are you going?
- nowhere.
68
00:04:01,269 --> 00:04:04,434
- what you doing?
- nothing.
69
00:04:05,501 --> 00:04:07,100
what is your problem?
70
00:04:07,135 --> 00:04:10,167
don't give mom
your report card.
71
00:04:10,202 --> 00:04:12,467
okay, darlene,
what'd you flunk?
72
00:04:12,502 --> 00:04:15,667
i didn't flunk anything.
73
00:04:15,702 --> 00:04:17,701
all right,
i got a "d" in history.
74
00:04:17,736 --> 00:04:20,634
mom said one "d" and i was
off the basketball team.
75
00:04:20,669 --> 00:04:22,501
that's why you can't
show her your report card.
76
00:04:22,536 --> 00:04:26,534
- hey, i got straight a's.
- well, that's your problem.
77
00:04:26,569 --> 00:04:28,834
darlene, you can't take
your report card back to school
78
00:04:28,869 --> 00:04:31,334
- until mom signs it.
- she is gonna sign it.
79
00:04:31,369 --> 00:04:33,934
but first, i'm gonna
change my "d" to a "b."
80
00:04:33,969 --> 00:04:36,534
- you can't do that.
- watch me.
81
00:04:36,569 --> 00:04:40,033
all i have to do
is match the red ink.
82
00:04:40,068 --> 00:04:42,467
- you are nuts.
- becky, you gotta help me.
83
00:04:42,502 --> 00:04:44,834
- no way.
- i'll give you my allowance.
84
00:04:44,869 --> 00:04:46,601
- forget it.
- for a month.
85
00:04:46,636 --> 00:04:49,033
well, maybe.
86
00:04:49,068 --> 00:04:50,100
great.
87
00:04:50,135 --> 00:04:51,367
but if mom catches you,
88
00:04:51,402 --> 00:04:53,501
you'll be playing basketball
on crutches.
89
00:04:53,536 --> 00:04:56,167
- she's not going to catch me.
- okay.
90
00:04:56,202 --> 00:04:58,367
but i want my money
in advance.
91
00:05:00,868 --> 00:05:02,000
mom.
92
00:05:02,035 --> 00:05:03,567
son.
93
00:05:03,602 --> 00:05:05,734
becky and darlene
are up to something.
94
00:05:05,769 --> 00:05:07,501
don't be spying
on your sisters.
95
00:05:07,536 --> 00:05:10,000
- what are they up to?
- something rotten.
96
00:05:10,035 --> 00:05:13,434
well, it's up to you, 007,
to find out what.
97
00:05:13,469 --> 00:05:16,968
and you will, because
your name is bond...
98
00:05:18,067 --> 00:05:20,501
james bond.
99
00:05:22,767 --> 00:05:24,400
all right.
100
00:05:24,435 --> 00:05:26,300
what is this?
101
00:05:26,335 --> 00:05:27,901
cardboard box.
102
00:05:27,936 --> 00:05:29,734
yeah, but it's filled
with all this junk
103
00:05:29,769 --> 00:05:31,133
you stole from
the other boxes.
104
00:05:31,168 --> 00:05:33,100
honey, this stuff
isn't rummage.
105
00:05:33,135 --> 00:05:35,000
dan, i can't help you
106
00:05:35,035 --> 00:05:36,567
if you're not willing
to help yourself.
107
00:05:37,834 --> 00:05:41,067
hi, i'm dan
and i'm a pack rat.
108
00:05:43,434 --> 00:05:46,167
everything i've ever had
in my life, i still have.
109
00:05:46,202 --> 00:05:47,534
and what is this?
110
00:05:47,569 --> 00:05:50,901
no house should be without
a plastic bowling ball
111
00:05:50,936 --> 00:05:52,968
on a pedestal.
112
00:05:53,003 --> 00:05:56,734
see, it's also a decanter.
113
00:05:58,367 --> 00:06:00,434
you're in worse shape
than i thought.
114
00:06:00,469 --> 00:06:02,434
dan, all of this stuff
is going.
115
00:06:02,469 --> 00:06:04,501
please just let me
keep one thing.
116
00:06:04,536 --> 00:06:06,634
- please, please?
- all right, one thing.
117
00:06:06,669 --> 00:06:08,234
but not that thing.
118
00:06:08,269 --> 00:06:10,601
this is my official
canoga beer cuckoo clock.
119
00:06:10,636 --> 00:06:11,868
it's a collector's item.
120
00:06:11,903 --> 00:06:13,367
dan, it's got a bear
121
00:06:13,402 --> 00:06:15,100
that comes out
on the hour and burps.
122
00:06:16,934 --> 00:06:19,234
that's the canoga bear
and he doesn't burp,
123
00:06:19,269 --> 00:06:20,601
he growls.
124
00:06:20,636 --> 00:06:22,067
- he burps.
- he growls.
125
00:06:22,102 --> 00:06:25,934
he pops out with a beer mug.
the belching bear goes.
126
00:06:25,969 --> 00:06:28,634
- you really hate him, huh?
- i despise it.
127
00:06:28,669 --> 00:06:30,300
well, tell you what.
128
00:06:30,335 --> 00:06:34,534
the clock goes
if everything else stays.
129
00:06:38,067 --> 00:06:39,901
are you blackmailing me?
130
00:06:39,936 --> 00:06:41,267
you bet your booties.
131
00:06:41,302 --> 00:06:43,767
you're hopeless.
132
00:06:47,868 --> 00:06:49,334
- hi, sis.
- hello.
133
00:06:49,369 --> 00:06:50,701
hi, aunt jackie.
134
00:06:50,736 --> 00:06:52,367
hi, pumpkin butt.
135
00:06:52,402 --> 00:06:54,567
- hi.
- hello.
136
00:06:54,602 --> 00:06:56,734
- where do you want these?
- i'll take it.
137
00:06:56,769 --> 00:06:58,901
roseanne, look.
look at this.
138
00:06:58,936 --> 00:07:01,934
i don't even remember
buying this thing.
139
00:07:01,969 --> 00:07:03,000
i do.
140
00:07:03,035 --> 00:07:04,901
you got it
the same time you got
141
00:07:04,936 --> 00:07:06,767
that hissing viper tattoo.
142
00:07:06,802 --> 00:07:08,167
you got a tattoo?
143
00:07:08,202 --> 00:07:10,000
well, maybe.
144
00:07:10,035 --> 00:07:12,434
- can i see it?
- you're too young.
145
00:07:12,469 --> 00:07:13,634
can i see it?
146
00:07:13,669 --> 00:07:15,400
you're too old.
147
00:07:15,435 --> 00:07:17,434
hey, kiddo...
148
00:07:17,469 --> 00:07:19,200
you gonna stick around and
mooch dinner from us tonight?
149
00:07:19,235 --> 00:07:21,801
- no, i have a date.
- animal, vegetable or mineral?
150
00:07:21,836 --> 00:07:24,934
- booker.
- vegetable.
151
00:07:24,969 --> 00:07:26,834
we're going to the
pinewood dinner theater.
152
00:07:26,869 --> 00:07:29,300
booker got tickets to see
this great elvis impersonator.
153
00:07:29,335 --> 00:07:31,601
what would you want to
go see an impersonator for
154
00:07:31,636 --> 00:07:33,667
when the real thing
is out there somewhere.
155
00:07:33,702 --> 00:07:35,067
roseanne, don't start.
156
00:07:35,102 --> 00:07:36,901
they spotted elvis
just yesterday.
157
00:07:36,936 --> 00:07:38,567
he was in montana.
158
00:07:38,602 --> 00:07:40,834
he was trying to call ann
margret from a pay phone.
159
00:07:40,869 --> 00:07:42,033
dAN: hey.
160
00:07:42,068 --> 00:07:45,267
hey, don't make fun
of the king.
161
00:07:45,302 --> 00:07:48,167
come on, cilla, fire up the
cadillac and let's go to denver
162
00:07:48,202 --> 00:07:51,868
for some peanut butter
and bacon sandwiches.
163
00:07:51,903 --> 00:07:54,467
i can't go with you, elvis.
164
00:07:54,502 --> 00:07:56,734
i have to go
get my hair teased.
165
00:08:11,602 --> 00:08:13,467
good night,
ladies and gentlemen.
166
00:08:13,502 --> 00:08:14,534
thank you very much.
167
00:08:14,569 --> 00:08:17,234
elvis is leaving.
thank you.
168
00:08:17,269 --> 00:08:20,234
thank you very much.
i'm leaving.thank you.
169
00:08:20,269 --> 00:08:23,167
there's no way you're gonna
get away with this, darlene.
170
00:08:23,202 --> 00:08:24,567
basketball's almost over.
171
00:08:24,602 --> 00:08:27,734
all i have to do is fool mom
for two more weeks.
172
00:08:27,769 --> 00:08:29,334
- shoot!
- what's wrong?
173
00:08:29,369 --> 00:08:31,167
i can't match his red ink.
174
00:08:31,202 --> 00:08:33,667
crane probably drains
the blood out of stray cats
175
00:08:33,702 --> 00:08:35,634
to get her ink.
176
00:08:36,734 --> 00:08:38,067
- shh.
- what?
177
00:08:38,102 --> 00:08:39,467
i heard something.
178
00:08:39,502 --> 00:08:41,167
you're just paranoid.
179
00:08:41,202 --> 00:08:43,534
no, be quiet.
180
00:08:50,234 --> 00:08:51,868
you're dead, d.j.!
181
00:08:51,903 --> 00:08:53,200
mom!
182
00:08:53,235 --> 00:08:55,133
now mom's gonna
come up here.
183
00:08:55,168 --> 00:08:57,767
no kidding, zip brain.
184
00:08:57,802 --> 00:09:00,234
let's ditch the pens.
185
00:09:00,269 --> 00:09:03,567
- i'm giving mom my report card.
- no, you can't.
186
00:09:03,602 --> 00:09:04,901
hey, i'm not the one
who got the "d."
187
00:09:04,936 --> 00:09:06,534
why should i get in trouble
188
00:09:06,569 --> 00:09:08,334
for one month of your
stinking allowance?
189
00:09:08,369 --> 00:09:10,267
did i say one month?
i meant five.
190
00:09:10,302 --> 00:09:11,834
deal.
191
00:09:11,869 --> 00:09:13,934
rOSEANNE:
becky, darlene?
192
00:09:13,969 --> 00:09:15,834
- oh, my gosh, she knows.
- no, she doesn't.
193
00:09:15,869 --> 00:09:17,667
she's gonna want to know
why we locked the door.
194
00:09:17,702 --> 00:09:19,667
rOSEANNE: come on, you two.
open the door.
195
00:09:19,702 --> 00:09:22,334
don't make me
get the tear gas.
196
00:09:25,067 --> 00:09:27,434
hi!
197
00:09:27,469 --> 00:09:29,667
hi.
198
00:09:29,702 --> 00:09:31,934
why'd you lock the door?
199
00:09:31,969 --> 00:09:34,501
i'm so used to locking
my locker at school,
200
00:09:34,536 --> 00:09:36,734
i guess i just
did it automatically.
201
00:09:36,769 --> 00:09:39,133
i don't know,
what do you think, d.j.?
202
00:09:39,168 --> 00:09:42,300
lies, all lies.
203
00:09:43,667 --> 00:09:46,200
d.j. told you to
come up here, didn't he?
204
00:09:46,235 --> 00:09:48,601
no, as a matter of fact,
he didn't say one thing
205
00:09:48,636 --> 00:09:51,167
about how you jerked
the door open and yelled at him,
206
00:09:51,202 --> 00:09:53,400
- did you, d.j.?
- no.
207
00:09:53,435 --> 00:09:55,434
now i brought you girls
up this box
208
00:09:55,469 --> 00:09:57,701
so you can fill it with stuff
for the rummage sale.
209
00:09:57,736 --> 00:10:00,334
- love to.
- we'll bring it right down.
210
00:10:01,400 --> 00:10:03,567
d.j., quit snooping.
211
00:10:03,602 --> 00:10:05,300
mom, i think
dad's calling you.
212
00:10:05,335 --> 00:10:09,300
she's up here.
yeah, she'll be right down.
213
00:10:09,335 --> 00:10:11,400
- he's-
- well, he can wait.
214
00:10:11,435 --> 00:10:14,167
you know, i don't think
i really spend enough time
215
00:10:14,202 --> 00:10:17,033
with my lovely daughters...
216
00:10:17,068 --> 00:10:21,000
enjoying their extremely
stimulating company.
217
00:10:21,035 --> 00:10:23,267
you know, just hanging out
and everything like that,
218
00:10:23,302 --> 00:10:25,133
doing really fun stuff.
219
00:10:25,168 --> 00:10:27,501
mother?get a life.
220
00:10:45,769 --> 00:10:48,901
hey, the girls
are up to something.
221
00:10:48,936 --> 00:10:51,200
they got their door locked
and they're acting all goofy,
222
00:10:51,235 --> 00:10:53,734
like you.
what are you doing?
223
00:10:53,769 --> 00:10:56,467
i'm just fixing
this here clock, mama.
224
00:10:56,502 --> 00:10:58,834
i'll have it done
within the hour.
225
00:11:02,734 --> 00:11:04,734
scum-sucking...
226
00:11:04,769 --> 00:11:06,267
self-centered...
227
00:11:06,302 --> 00:11:09,334
pile of male garbage!
228
00:11:09,369 --> 00:11:11,667
dan, it's for you.
229
00:11:16,667 --> 00:11:19,033
i buy new pantyhose,
230
00:11:19,068 --> 00:11:21,067
i mousse my hair,
231
00:11:21,102 --> 00:11:23,067
i sit in my apartment
for an hour and a half,
232
00:11:23,102 --> 00:11:24,901
and booker doesn't show up.
233
00:11:24,936 --> 00:11:27,801
well, maybe he had
some kind of an emergency.
234
00:11:27,836 --> 00:11:29,334
yeah, i know his emergencies.
235
00:11:29,369 --> 00:11:32,133
blonde hair, blue eyes
and legs up to their throat.
236
00:11:32,168 --> 00:11:34,601
so maybe he's giving them
mouth to mouth.
237
00:11:34,636 --> 00:11:35,868
what are you doing?
238
00:11:35,903 --> 00:11:38,133
have you seen that red pen
that was in here?
239
00:11:38,168 --> 00:11:40,100
i thought i saw it
on the coffee table before.
240
00:11:40,135 --> 00:11:41,767
why does he do this to me?
241
00:11:41,802 --> 00:11:43,634
dARLENE: i'll get it.
242
00:11:43,669 --> 00:11:46,234
- d.j.: i'll get it.
- ah, you love it.
243
00:11:46,269 --> 00:11:48,634
oh, your pulse is racing,
your heart's throbbing,
244
00:11:48,669 --> 00:11:50,167
and your face is all aglow.
245
00:11:50,202 --> 00:11:52,400
i have malaria.
246
00:11:52,435 --> 00:11:54,868
aunt jackie,
it's uncle booker.
247
00:11:54,903 --> 00:11:56,901
i'm not here.
248
00:11:56,936 --> 00:11:59,968
- jackie, i can explain.
- i don't want to hear about it.
249
00:12:00,003 --> 00:12:01,167
i-i had an emergency.
250
00:12:01,202 --> 00:12:03,133
blonde hair, blue eyes?
251
00:12:03,168 --> 00:12:05,000
i was on the phone
with my mother.
252
00:12:07,102 --> 00:12:08,901
i was.
253
00:12:08,936 --> 00:12:10,968
jeez, booker,
you oughta take a shovel
254
00:12:11,003 --> 00:12:12,901
around with you
when you travel.
255
00:12:12,936 --> 00:12:15,400
her schnauzer
got hit by a car
256
00:12:15,435 --> 00:12:17,501
and he broke his leg.
257
00:12:17,536 --> 00:12:20,033
oh, get off it!
258
00:12:20,068 --> 00:12:22,067
i'm not lying.
the dog's got a broken leg,
259
00:12:22,102 --> 00:12:24,467
my mom was in hysterics.
what was i supposed to do?
260
00:12:24,502 --> 00:12:25,901
hang up.
261
00:12:25,936 --> 00:12:27,634
booker, i'm on
your side, buddy,
262
00:12:27,669 --> 00:12:30,434
and even i
don't believe you.
263
00:12:30,469 --> 00:12:32,067
okay, call my mom.
ask her.
264
00:12:32,102 --> 00:12:33,834
roseanne, didn't you
have some rummage
265
00:12:33,869 --> 00:12:36,334
you wanted me to fold
in another room?
266
00:12:36,369 --> 00:12:38,334
yes, i believe i do.
267
00:12:38,369 --> 00:12:40,234
why don't we go there now,
you and i?
268
00:12:40,269 --> 00:12:43,133
- come on, jackie.
- forget it.
269
00:12:44,601 --> 00:12:46,300
humph.
270
00:12:47,801 --> 00:12:49,567
she's not mad.
271
00:12:49,602 --> 00:12:51,501
could have fooled me.
272
00:12:51,536 --> 00:12:54,000
no, if she was mad,
she would have left.
273
00:12:54,035 --> 00:12:56,567
no, she's waiting for me
to come back there.
274
00:12:56,602 --> 00:12:58,367
well, if i was you i'd wait
for the smoke to clear
275
00:12:58,402 --> 00:13:00,300
before i went
charging in there.
276
00:13:00,335 --> 00:13:02,634
that's a good idea.
277
00:13:02,669 --> 00:13:04,634
what do you got, dan?
278
00:13:04,669 --> 00:13:06,868
it's my official canoga beer
cuckoo clock.
279
00:13:06,903 --> 00:13:08,467
ugly as hell, ain't it?
280
00:13:08,502 --> 00:13:10,200
it's pretty ugly.
281
00:13:10,235 --> 00:13:12,801
i just keep it around
to torture roseanne.
282
00:13:14,100 --> 00:13:16,434
how long are you
gonna put up with him?
283
00:13:16,469 --> 00:13:19,334
i can't help it.
he turns me on.
284
00:13:19,369 --> 00:13:21,634
one of these days,
you're gonna fall for a guy
285
00:13:21,669 --> 00:13:24,234
with something
above the waist.
286
00:13:24,269 --> 00:13:26,968
well, just 'cause you're
stuck in marriage hell,
287
00:13:27,003 --> 00:13:28,834
you don't have to ruin my fun.
288
00:13:30,200 --> 00:13:33,467
you know, there's more
to a relationship than sex.
289
00:13:33,502 --> 00:13:35,434
you and dan are fighting?
290
00:13:36,968 --> 00:13:39,467
i, uh...
can i come in now?
291
00:13:39,502 --> 00:13:42,734
yeah,
but you stay off my bed.
292
00:13:45,801 --> 00:13:47,767
you gonna stay mad at me
all night?
293
00:13:47,802 --> 00:13:48,934
maybe.
294
00:13:48,969 --> 00:13:50,868
come on, jackie.
if i was gonna lie,
295
00:13:50,903 --> 00:13:53,000
don't you think i'd come up
with a better excuse?
296
00:13:53,035 --> 00:13:56,033
booker, why do you screw up
all of our dates?
297
00:13:56,068 --> 00:13:58,767
dates?this is the first time
we've ever gone out.
298
00:13:58,802 --> 00:14:01,868
right, and it's
our fourth date.
299
00:14:01,903 --> 00:14:04,133
jackie, you want to
go out with some guy
300
00:14:04,168 --> 00:14:05,968
who hangs up on his mom?
301
00:14:06,003 --> 00:14:08,667
no, but i want to go out
with a guy that shows up.
302
00:14:08,702 --> 00:14:10,901
i went all out for this.
i got a new dress,
303
00:14:10,936 --> 00:14:13,601
i spent an hour on my hair...
304
00:14:13,636 --> 00:14:16,167
you did all that for me?
305
00:14:16,202 --> 00:14:18,334
no, i did it
so i could fold clothes
306
00:14:18,369 --> 00:14:20,801
in my sister's bedroom.
307
00:14:20,836 --> 00:14:23,033
jackie, i'm flattered.
308
00:14:23,068 --> 00:14:25,033
i don't want you
to feel flattered.
309
00:14:25,068 --> 00:14:27,501
i want you to feel lousy,
like i feel.
310
00:14:27,536 --> 00:14:30,133
jackie, you don't look lousy.
311
00:14:30,168 --> 00:14:32,601
no, no, no, no.
312
00:14:32,636 --> 00:14:34,267
well, this dress
looks very nice.
313
00:14:34,302 --> 00:14:35,400
stay away from me.
314
00:14:35,435 --> 00:14:37,667
did i mention that
your hair is terrific?
315
00:14:37,702 --> 00:14:39,100
stay away, booker.sit.
316
00:14:39,135 --> 00:14:41,367
- hmm?
- sit.
317
00:14:41,402 --> 00:14:43,400
don't touch me.
318
00:14:43,435 --> 00:14:44,567
touch.
319
00:14:44,602 --> 00:14:46,033
don't touch me.
320
00:14:46,068 --> 00:14:47,400
- touch.touch.
- booker!
321
00:14:47,435 --> 00:14:48,601
i-i mean-
322
00:14:51,501 --> 00:14:53,601
i hate you.
323
00:14:57,234 --> 00:14:59,467
eww, they're kissing,
they're kissing!
324
00:15:03,834 --> 00:15:05,767
they're kissing,
they're kissing!
325
00:15:05,802 --> 00:15:08,033
- who?
- aunt jackie and booker.
326
00:15:08,068 --> 00:15:09,334
are they standing up?
327
00:15:09,369 --> 00:15:11,434
yes, we're standing up.
328
00:15:11,469 --> 00:15:14,167
and we're leaving now
to get started on our date.
329
00:15:14,202 --> 00:15:16,133
we're a little too late
to see elvis.
330
00:15:16,168 --> 00:15:18,634
that's putting it mildly.
331
00:15:21,000 --> 00:15:23,067
- see you, dan.
- where you guys headed?
332
00:15:23,102 --> 00:15:25,467
we're going out
for a romantic evening.
333
00:15:25,502 --> 00:15:27,667
and an insanely
expensive meal.
334
00:15:27,702 --> 00:15:29,400
i just gotta
pick up my date first.
335
00:15:29,435 --> 00:15:30,534
wipe your mouth out.
336
00:15:30,569 --> 00:15:33,601
- bye, aunt jackie.
- bye.
337
00:15:33,636 --> 00:15:35,601
time for you
to go to bed now.
338
00:15:35,636 --> 00:15:38,067
- good night.
- okay.
339
00:15:40,567 --> 00:15:44,000
- good night.
- ahh!
340
00:15:44,035 --> 00:15:45,934
mom, you need to sign
our report cards.
341
00:15:45,969 --> 00:15:47,834
you got your
report cards today?
342
00:15:47,869 --> 00:15:49,667
yeah, here, sign it.
343
00:15:49,702 --> 00:15:52,267
well, i usually like
to read what i'm signing.
344
00:15:52,302 --> 00:15:53,434
how'd you do, darlene?
345
00:15:53,469 --> 00:15:55,200
pretty good.
346
00:15:55,235 --> 00:15:59,133
pretty good?
she got a "b" in history.
347
00:15:59,168 --> 00:16:01,834
i thought you were
gonna get a "d."
348
00:16:01,869 --> 00:16:03,634
it's a miracle.
349
00:16:03,669 --> 00:16:06,000
uh, aren't you
gonna look at mine?
350
00:16:06,035 --> 00:16:07,267
i got straight a's.
351
00:16:07,302 --> 00:16:10,100
- that's great, honey.
- aces as always.
352
00:16:10,135 --> 00:16:11,901
i'm going to bed.
353
00:16:11,936 --> 00:16:14,634
- good night.
- good night.
354
00:16:15,701 --> 00:16:17,834
dan...
355
00:16:17,869 --> 00:16:21,267
isn't that the most perfect "b"
you've ever seen in your life?
356
00:16:21,302 --> 00:16:23,734
never seen one
quite like it.
357
00:16:23,769 --> 00:16:26,067
are you guys gonna sign it?
358
00:16:26,102 --> 00:16:27,767
allow me.
359
00:16:27,802 --> 00:16:28,901
you know, i think we should
360
00:16:28,936 --> 00:16:31,000
call up miss crane
and thank her.
361
00:16:31,035 --> 00:16:33,100
i'll thank her for you.
362
00:16:33,135 --> 00:16:36,667
wait a minute, isn't she gonna
be at the rummage sale tomorrow?
363
00:16:36,702 --> 00:16:38,400
that's right,
we can thank her in person.
364
00:16:38,435 --> 00:16:40,367
maybe we can get
a picture of her
365
00:16:40,402 --> 00:16:42,367
standing next
to the report card.
366
00:16:44,400 --> 00:16:47,267
you guys know, don't you?
367
00:16:47,302 --> 00:16:48,467
know what?
368
00:16:48,502 --> 00:16:52,033
i didn't get a "b"
on my report card.
369
00:16:52,068 --> 00:16:54,133
you didn't?
370
00:16:54,168 --> 00:16:55,767
no.
371
00:16:57,035 --> 00:16:59,033
i got a "c."
372
00:17:03,701 --> 00:17:07,434
on the test that
brought my average up.
373
00:17:07,469 --> 00:17:09,567
to a "d."
374
00:17:09,602 --> 00:17:11,767
which is what i really
got on my report card
375
00:17:11,802 --> 00:17:13,100
until i changed it.
376
00:17:13,135 --> 00:17:15,000
so you don't
have to worry about
377
00:17:15,035 --> 00:17:18,200
picking me up from
basketball practice anymore.
378
00:17:18,235 --> 00:17:22,467
and i think the guilt
is punishment enough.
379
00:17:22,502 --> 00:17:24,734
that and being grounded
for three weeks.
380
00:17:24,769 --> 00:17:26,300
oh, no!
381
00:17:26,335 --> 00:17:28,734
- two.
- two's good.
382
00:17:31,168 --> 00:17:33,901
she honestly thought she
was gonna get away with it.
383
00:17:33,936 --> 00:17:36,868
aah!can you believe
that little stinker?
384
00:17:36,903 --> 00:17:39,300
hell, i used to do better
forgeries than that.
385
00:17:39,335 --> 00:17:40,734
excuse me, ma'am.
386
00:17:40,769 --> 00:17:43,934
- you remember this clock?
- how could i forget it?
387
00:17:43,969 --> 00:17:46,434
i seem to recall you
saying something about
388
00:17:46,469 --> 00:17:49,033
how i'd never get it fixed?
389
00:17:49,068 --> 00:17:51,834
no, i think what i said
was if you did get it fixed
390
00:17:51,869 --> 00:17:54,133
you have to move out.
391
00:18:06,869 --> 00:18:10,100
this'll look perfect
up on the mantelpiece.
392
00:18:10,135 --> 00:18:12,601
now there's no way
i want that eyesore
393
00:18:12,636 --> 00:18:14,067
where anybody can see it.
394
00:18:14,102 --> 00:18:16,033
wait a minute, you said
i can keep one thing.
395
00:18:16,068 --> 00:18:18,300
and i'm it.
396
00:18:19,367 --> 00:18:21,267
i want the bear.
397
00:18:22,834 --> 00:18:25,300
well, there's no way that
thing's going in my living room.
398
00:18:25,335 --> 00:18:27,033
wait a minute, excuse me.
your living room?
399
00:18:27,068 --> 00:18:29,100
- my living room.
- your living room?
400
00:18:29,135 --> 00:18:31,501
yeah, my living room.
401
00:18:31,536 --> 00:18:34,100
and you know why?
'cause you've got bad taste.
402
00:18:34,135 --> 00:18:35,601
i've got bad taste?
403
00:18:35,636 --> 00:18:37,901
you want to talk
about bad taste?
404
00:18:37,936 --> 00:18:39,434
what do you call this?
405
00:18:39,469 --> 00:18:40,901
that's imported.
406
00:18:40,936 --> 00:18:42,934
i call it kindling.
407
00:18:42,969 --> 00:18:47,033
dan, that is a genuine
mexican objet d'art.
408
00:18:47,068 --> 00:18:50,501
unlike this
objet d'scrap metal.
409
00:18:50,536 --> 00:18:52,467
that, for your information,
410
00:18:52,502 --> 00:18:54,567
happens to be
an authentic replica
411
00:18:54,602 --> 00:18:56,567
of a civil war field piece.
412
00:18:56,602 --> 00:18:59,601
it is also
a cigarette lighter.
413
00:18:59,636 --> 00:19:01,367
well, good,
then you can use it
414
00:19:01,402 --> 00:19:03,667
to burn up all your
ratty old underwear
415
00:19:03,702 --> 00:19:06,234
that you keep 'til they're
two threads and an elastic band.
416
00:19:06,269 --> 00:19:10,534
why are we always
pitching my junk?
417
00:19:10,569 --> 00:19:11,834
what about...
418
00:19:11,869 --> 00:19:14,100
- dan, don't do that.
- ...your junk.
419
00:19:14,135 --> 00:19:15,634
don't- ohh!
420
00:19:15,669 --> 00:19:17,067
you're gonna
sleep in it, mister.
421
00:19:17,102 --> 00:19:20,367
- ooh, hoo-hoo!
- no, no!
422
00:19:20,402 --> 00:19:22,167
oh, that is sad.
dan, come on!
423
00:19:22,202 --> 00:19:23,567
put that field piece down.
424
00:19:23,602 --> 00:19:25,434
that cannon's gonna be
worth money someday.
425
00:19:25,469 --> 00:19:28,934
say goodbye to it.
just say goodbye.
426
00:19:41,000 --> 00:19:43,834
rOSEANNE: oh!
427
00:19:43,869 --> 00:19:45,400
ahh!
428
00:20:02,335 --> 00:20:04,767
no!
429
00:20:04,802 --> 00:20:08,033
kaw, kaw, kaw, kaw!
430
00:20:55,067 --> 00:20:56,801
let's go to bed.
431
00:21:03,534 --> 00:21:05,934
- tell me, miss...
- hmm.what?
432
00:21:05,969 --> 00:21:09,033
will you still respect me
in the morning?
433
00:21:09,068 --> 00:21:11,901
i'll respect you
in the morning,
434
00:21:11,936 --> 00:21:14,834
in the afternoon,
and especially at night.
435
00:21:25,167 --> 00:21:26,601
hello?
436
00:21:26,636 --> 00:21:28,934
dan's house of ecstasy.
437
00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:32,801
oh, hi, mrs. tucker.
438
00:21:32,836 --> 00:21:35,534
yeah, that's our stuff
out on the front lawn.
439
00:21:36,601 --> 00:21:38,434
just a second.
440
00:21:38,469 --> 00:21:39,701
- honey?
- hmm?
441
00:21:39,736 --> 00:21:42,868
how much do we want
for the coffee table?
442
00:21:43,868 --> 00:21:53,868
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