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Downloaded From www.AllSubs.org
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well, this one's called
"saturday" and i hope you enjoy it.
3
00:00:04,769 --> 00:00:06,801
it was one of my favorite
ones in that first season
4
00:00:06,836 --> 00:00:09,667
because my then-
5
00:00:09,702 --> 00:00:12,367
my first ex-husband bill
6
00:00:12,402 --> 00:00:15,734
plays a neighbor freddy
who bangs his head
7
00:00:15,769 --> 00:00:19,033
and bill was famous
in our entire marriage
8
00:00:19,068 --> 00:00:22,267
and in his entire life
for banging his head.
9
00:00:22,302 --> 00:00:24,267
i remember when we were
living in denver,
10
00:00:24,302 --> 00:00:27,534
he banged his head
on the same chandelier
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00:00:27,569 --> 00:00:30,667
every single day
for about two years
12
00:00:30,702 --> 00:00:32,133
like he forgot it
was there.
13
00:00:32,168 --> 00:00:34,300
so i kind of wanted him
to do that on the show
14
00:00:34,335 --> 00:00:37,234
'cause he was quite funny
at banging his head
15
00:00:37,269 --> 00:00:39,067
and the facial
expressions he'd make.
16
00:00:39,102 --> 00:00:40,534
so i hope you enjoy it.
17
00:01:33,434 --> 00:01:36,234
dAN: babe, i've looked
everywhere. where's the good rags?
18
00:01:36,269 --> 00:01:39,901
they're hanging up
in your closet.
19
00:01:39,936 --> 00:01:41,968
all i could find
is this flimsy stuff.
20
00:01:42,003 --> 00:01:45,033
i need substantial rags
to work on the truck.
21
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hello.
hey, dwight.what's up?
22
00:01:49,869 --> 00:01:51,667
besides that.
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00:01:53,100 --> 00:01:55,334
oh yeah,
bring the whole wrench set.
24
00:01:55,369 --> 00:01:56,934
no, we got plenty of beer.
25
00:01:56,969 --> 00:01:59,067
all right,
see you in a few, buckaroo.
26
00:01:59,102 --> 00:02:00,734
is dwight coming over here?
27
00:02:00,769 --> 00:02:02,968
- yeah, what's wrong with that?
- nothing.
28
00:02:03,003 --> 00:02:06,200
just every time you're with him,
your i.q. drops ten points.
29
00:02:06,235 --> 00:02:09,634
he's bringing his tools over. he's
gonna help me tune up the truck.
30
00:02:09,669 --> 00:02:12,133
you're not gonna get
that truck tuned up.
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00:02:12,168 --> 00:02:14,534
you guys are just gonna
be in the driveway,
32
00:02:14,569 --> 00:02:16,634
drinkin' beer and spittin'
33
00:02:16,669 --> 00:02:20,400
and talking about who's got
the biggest hood ornament.
34
00:02:23,133 --> 00:02:25,400
hell, honey,
that's not even a contest.
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00:02:27,334 --> 00:02:29,467
i know, no one can spit like you, honey.
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00:02:30,934 --> 00:02:34,000
i love watching you with
dwight. you guys are so funny.
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00:02:34,035 --> 00:02:37,734
"yeah, i bet those bears are
gonna kick some butt on sunday."
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00:02:37,769 --> 00:02:38,968
yeah.
39
00:02:42,934 --> 00:02:46,167
you got that down. maybe you should
come out and help us work on the truck.
40
00:02:46,202 --> 00:02:49,167
i probably should. that's the only
way you'll probably get it done.
41
00:02:49,202 --> 00:02:52,868
you and dwight have never
finished nothing but a six-pack.
42
00:02:59,202 --> 00:03:01,534
utility room is not a truck.
43
00:03:01,569 --> 00:03:04,467
can i embroider that
on a pillow?
44
00:03:05,601 --> 00:03:07,634
yes.
45
00:03:07,669 --> 00:03:09,634
and you can embroider this.
46
00:03:09,669 --> 00:03:12,634
by 4:00 this afternoon, that truck
will have new points and plugs
47
00:03:12,669 --> 00:03:14,167
and will be running
like a race car.
48
00:03:14,202 --> 00:03:15,300
- oh, yeah?
- yeah.
49
00:03:15,335 --> 00:03:16,501
- yeah?
- yeah.
50
00:03:16,536 --> 00:03:18,868
would you care
to make a small wager?
51
00:03:18,903 --> 00:03:20,934
oh, name it.
52
00:03:20,969 --> 00:03:24,267
okay, if that truck
ain't working by 4:00,
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00:03:24,302 --> 00:03:26,667
then you got to clean
this oven today
54
00:03:26,702 --> 00:03:29,567
and every month
for the rest of your life.
55
00:03:32,534 --> 00:03:34,067
fine.
56
00:03:34,102 --> 00:03:36,667
but if i win,
which i will,
57
00:03:36,702 --> 00:03:39,434
you got to do all the snow
shoveling this winter
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00:03:39,469 --> 00:03:41,667
and every winter
for the rest of your life.
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00:03:43,567 --> 00:03:46,133
all right,
you're on, buckaroo.
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00:03:47,601 --> 00:03:49,734
here you go.
61
00:03:49,769 --> 00:03:53,567
one peanut butter and jelly
sandwich coming right up.
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00:03:53,602 --> 00:03:55,434
i like it better
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00:03:55,469 --> 00:03:58,267
with the peanut butter
on top.
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00:04:01,334 --> 00:04:04,033
- there you go.
- thanks.
65
00:04:05,167 --> 00:04:07,834
- hey, roseanne.
- hi, dwight.
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00:04:07,869 --> 00:04:10,534
- hey there, scooter.
- hi, mr. goodworth.
67
00:04:11,968 --> 00:04:14,801
- what are you doing, dwight?
- beer break.
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00:04:14,836 --> 00:04:16,901
well, you don't just go
in somebody's house
69
00:04:16,936 --> 00:04:19,267
and start taking stuff
out of their fridge.
70
00:04:19,302 --> 00:04:21,200
dan said i could.
71
00:04:21,235 --> 00:04:23,267
well, what dan says
don't matter around here.
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00:04:23,302 --> 00:04:25,901
he knows that.
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00:04:25,936 --> 00:04:27,934
- did you hear that, dan?
- dAN: it's true.
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00:04:27,969 --> 00:04:31,901
i'm merely a figurehead.
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00:04:31,936 --> 00:04:34,133
i hear you're gonna be
shoveling some snow this winter.
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00:04:34,168 --> 00:04:36,133
yeah, rose, you better
be nice to dwight.
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00:04:36,168 --> 00:04:39,000
he said he can get you a good
discount on a snow blower.
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00:04:39,035 --> 00:04:41,634
- you think freddy wants a beer?
- he's breathing, ain't he?
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00:04:43,834 --> 00:04:46,067
is freddy out there, too?
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00:04:46,102 --> 00:04:48,067
got all three of us
on the job now.
81
00:04:48,102 --> 00:04:50,467
getting worried, girl?
82
00:04:50,502 --> 00:04:53,567
oh, yeah,
i'm shakin' in my boots.
83
00:04:53,602 --> 00:04:56,133
don't stick
your finger in there.
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00:04:56,168 --> 00:04:58,167
- tastes better that way.
- that's disgusting.
85
00:04:58,202 --> 00:05:00,167
you want me
to put it back?
86
00:05:00,202 --> 00:05:03,901
dan, you told me
he was housebroken.
87
00:05:03,936 --> 00:05:06,834
i lied.
come on, boy.
88
00:05:06,869 --> 00:05:08,767
hold on there, dan.
89
00:05:08,802 --> 00:05:10,701
hey, chiquita rosarita.
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00:05:10,736 --> 00:05:13,534
is that little sister of yours
gonna be around here today?
91
00:05:13,569 --> 00:05:15,200
what do you care?
92
00:05:15,235 --> 00:05:17,234
boy, can't a man
ask a simple question
93
00:05:17,269 --> 00:05:19,767
without some woman
giving him the third degree?
94
00:05:19,802 --> 00:05:21,767
well, not when
that man's you
95
00:05:21,802 --> 00:05:23,767
and the woman's my sister.
96
00:05:23,802 --> 00:05:26,400
what kind of crazy
thoughts are rattling around
97
00:05:26,435 --> 00:05:28,834
in that empty head
of yours, dwight?
98
00:05:28,869 --> 00:05:30,834
just wanna talk
to her is all.
99
00:05:30,869 --> 00:05:33,234
- about what?
- nothing.
100
00:05:33,269 --> 00:05:35,734
are you thinking
about asking her out?
101
00:05:35,769 --> 00:05:37,100
maybe.
102
00:05:37,135 --> 00:05:39,501
rOSEANNE:
on a date?
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00:05:39,536 --> 00:05:41,067
sorta.
104
00:05:41,102 --> 00:05:42,601
well, forget
about it, dwight.
105
00:05:42,636 --> 00:05:46,100
my sister don't
date neanderthals.
106
00:05:46,135 --> 00:05:48,634
why?
107
00:05:48,669 --> 00:05:50,734
come on, dwight,
we got a lot of work to do.
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00:05:50,769 --> 00:05:53,701
take that beer
out to freddy.
109
00:05:53,736 --> 00:05:56,400
- dan.
- yes, dear.
110
00:05:56,435 --> 00:06:00,000
why didn't you tell me he's
got the hots for jackie?
111
00:06:00,035 --> 00:06:01,234
news to me.
112
00:06:01,269 --> 00:06:03,634
he's not going out
with my sister.
113
00:06:03,669 --> 00:06:06,334
why don't we just let them
work out their own lives?
114
00:06:06,369 --> 00:06:08,734
'cause it'll just
mess 'em up.
115
00:06:08,769 --> 00:06:10,234
rosie.
116
00:06:10,269 --> 00:06:13,734
why must you mere mortals
gamble with your own thoughts
117
00:06:13,769 --> 00:06:16,000
when you have
the goddess of corn here
118
00:06:16,035 --> 00:06:18,100
to keep you
from screwing up?
119
00:06:21,734 --> 00:06:23,834
here, dad.
120
00:06:25,634 --> 00:06:27,067
thanks, son.
121
00:06:27,102 --> 00:06:30,133
hey, scooter, you wanna go ask
your mom for some more chips?
122
00:06:30,168 --> 00:06:32,334
okay.
123
00:06:32,369 --> 00:06:34,567
hey, take it
easy there, dwight.
124
00:06:34,602 --> 00:06:36,133
i wouldn't want you
to strain yourself.
125
00:06:36,168 --> 00:06:37,534
don't worry, pal.
126
00:06:37,569 --> 00:06:41,434
i lift with my legs,
not my back.
127
00:06:41,469 --> 00:06:43,734
- hey, dan...
- yeah?
128
00:06:43,769 --> 00:06:45,801
jackie ain't dating
anybody, is she?
129
00:06:45,836 --> 00:06:47,734
nobody'll have her.
hand me the screwdriver.
130
00:06:49,467 --> 00:06:52,901
it's pretty obvious.
she's got a thing for me.
131
00:06:55,868 --> 00:06:58,501
- oh, yeah?
- yep.
132
00:06:58,536 --> 00:07:01,133
she was in my hardware
store last thursday,
133
00:07:01,168 --> 00:07:03,133
asking me
a lot of questions
134
00:07:03,168 --> 00:07:06,300
about those new cordless
drills i got in.
135
00:07:06,335 --> 00:07:08,534
yeah, those are nice.
136
00:07:08,569 --> 00:07:10,901
but that's not what
she was shopping for,
137
00:07:10,936 --> 00:07:12,501
if you catch my drift.
138
00:07:12,536 --> 00:07:14,634
dwight, you own
a hardware store.
139
00:07:14,669 --> 00:07:16,634
have you considered
the remote possibility
140
00:07:16,669 --> 00:07:18,734
that jackie came in
because she needed something?
141
00:07:18,769 --> 00:07:20,334
oh, she needed
something, all right.
142
00:07:22,769 --> 00:07:25,767
that's right, i forgot, you're
the real expert with women.
143
00:07:25,802 --> 00:07:28,033
yeah, i guess i know my way
around the henhouse, all right.
144
00:07:28,068 --> 00:07:29,400
yeah, probably so,
145
00:07:29,435 --> 00:07:32,300
since you're still
living at home with your mom.
146
00:07:32,335 --> 00:07:35,334
hey.hey, my mom needs me.
147
00:07:38,901 --> 00:07:40,167
yum.
148
00:07:41,567 --> 00:07:42,801
well, freddy, i see
149
00:07:42,836 --> 00:07:45,133
you're making a heck
of a difference there.
150
00:07:45,168 --> 00:07:47,067
you guys already
got the hood up.
151
00:07:47,102 --> 00:07:51,200
yeah, we got your
hardcore labor going on.
152
00:07:51,235 --> 00:07:53,200
yeah, i see
dwight's laboring
153
00:07:53,235 --> 00:07:55,901
to suck the bottom
out of that beer can.
154
00:07:55,936 --> 00:07:58,400
dad, can i get
in the truck?
155
00:07:58,435 --> 00:07:59,767
sure, go ahead, bub.
156
00:07:59,802 --> 00:08:02,000
rOSEANNE: let me see
what kind of mess
157
00:08:02,035 --> 00:08:04,300
you're making around here?
158
00:08:04,335 --> 00:08:06,300
why, we're
so far ahead,
159
00:08:06,335 --> 00:08:08,300
we're ready
for another break.
160
00:08:08,335 --> 00:08:10,734
we already pulled the points and
plugs, and now we're setting the gaps.
161
00:08:10,769 --> 00:08:13,334
what are you talking
motors to her for?
162
00:08:13,369 --> 00:08:14,901
it's a waste
of breath, dan.
163
00:08:14,936 --> 00:08:16,968
he's right, dan, you know.
164
00:08:17,003 --> 00:08:19,133
the female mind
just can't handle
165
00:08:19,168 --> 00:08:22,200
the complexities of the modern
combustion engine.
166
00:08:27,234 --> 00:08:29,701
it's a proven fact.
right, freddy?
167
00:08:29,736 --> 00:08:30,834
that's right.
168
00:08:30,869 --> 00:08:32,300
look at all these wires
169
00:08:32,335 --> 00:08:34,300
and these gizmos
and thingamabobs.
170
00:08:34,335 --> 00:08:36,567
it just makes
my head spin.
171
00:08:38,634 --> 00:08:40,267
it's typical.
172
00:08:40,302 --> 00:08:43,033
i say if you can't
find the fan belt,
173
00:08:43,068 --> 00:08:45,367
you shouldn't get
behind the steering wheel.
174
00:08:45,402 --> 00:08:46,868
am i right, dan?
175
00:08:46,903 --> 00:08:48,968
you're on
your own here, dwight.
176
00:08:50,701 --> 00:08:53,100
tell you what i'd
do with you women.
177
00:08:53,135 --> 00:08:55,601
i'd take all of your
little licenses away
178
00:08:55,636 --> 00:08:58,033
and i'd put you girls
on public transportation
179
00:08:58,068 --> 00:09:00,033
where you's belong.
180
00:09:00,068 --> 00:09:03,801
i'm amazed
you're not the governor.
181
00:09:03,836 --> 00:09:06,434
i wouldn't vote for ya.
182
00:09:07,869 --> 00:09:10,033
damn it, don't honk that when
i'm working on the engine.
183
00:09:10,068 --> 00:09:11,701
sorry, mr. meeker.
184
00:09:11,736 --> 00:09:15,234
don't worry, scooter. he
didn't hit anything he uses.
185
00:09:15,269 --> 00:09:16,834
mom, can i ride my bike?
186
00:09:16,869 --> 00:09:19,934
yeah, but ride
in real heavy traffic.
187
00:09:19,969 --> 00:09:23,801
ha-ha, it's so funny i forgot to laugh.
188
00:09:23,836 --> 00:09:26,400
now, you boys pick up
all your beer cans
189
00:09:26,435 --> 00:09:28,234
and put your
little toys away.
190
00:09:28,269 --> 00:09:30,234
and when you're
all done playing,
191
00:09:30,269 --> 00:09:33,667
you push this big, blue truck
right out of the driveway.
192
00:09:35,067 --> 00:09:37,234
boy, i'll tell
you what, dan,
193
00:09:37,269 --> 00:09:39,334
every morning i wake up,
get down on my knees
194
00:09:39,369 --> 00:09:41,334
and thank
the good lord up above
195
00:09:41,369 --> 00:09:43,334
i'm not married
to that woman.
196
00:09:43,369 --> 00:09:46,767
i think rosie's pretty
much okay about that, too.
197
00:09:46,802 --> 00:09:48,767
if my woman ever
talked to me that way,
198
00:09:48,802 --> 00:09:50,767
you know what
i'd say to her?
199
00:09:50,802 --> 00:09:53,534
yeah- "get back
in the house, mom."
200
00:09:53,569 --> 00:09:56,167
hi, you guys.
how you doing?
201
00:09:56,202 --> 00:09:58,601
- dAN: how was the mall?
- oh, it was wonderful.
202
00:09:58,636 --> 00:10:00,601
we ate corn dogs
by the pound.
203
00:10:00,636 --> 00:10:02,934
- we sure did.
- dWIGHT: hey, jackie.
204
00:10:02,969 --> 00:10:04,467
hi.
205
00:10:04,502 --> 00:10:06,200
oh, dwight.hi.
206
00:10:07,734 --> 00:10:09,234
poor thing.
207
00:10:09,269 --> 00:10:12,667
god, i hate it when a girl
embarrasses herself like that.
208
00:10:12,702 --> 00:10:14,667
what are you talking
about, dwight?
209
00:10:14,702 --> 00:10:16,033
it's obvious.
210
00:10:16,068 --> 00:10:18,067
the woman wants me.
211
00:10:18,102 --> 00:10:21,267
yeah, so does
the animal research lab.
212
00:10:27,033 --> 00:10:29,067
- roseanne, look at this.
- rOSEANNE: ooh!
213
00:10:29,102 --> 00:10:30,667
isn't this
the sweetest thing?
214
00:10:30,702 --> 00:10:33,200
39.95,
marked down from 89.99.
215
00:10:33,235 --> 00:10:34,234
wow.
216
00:10:34,269 --> 00:10:36,300
this is the kind
of thing men love.
217
00:10:36,335 --> 00:10:39,601
or you could wear a sign
that said "free sample."
218
00:10:39,636 --> 00:10:41,467
get out.
219
00:10:41,502 --> 00:10:44,067
you see, if i wear this,
i'll feel more feminine.
220
00:10:44,102 --> 00:10:45,501
and if i feel
more feminine,
221
00:10:45,536 --> 00:10:47,667
i'll radiate this
mysterious sensuality
222
00:10:47,702 --> 00:10:49,701
and men will flock to me.
223
00:10:49,736 --> 00:10:51,734
they won't know
what it is,
224
00:10:51,769 --> 00:10:53,968
but they'll want it.
225
00:10:54,003 --> 00:10:57,634
yeah, that's kind of the
way they feel about chili.
226
00:11:00,601 --> 00:11:03,434
mom, look at the ankle
bracelet aunt jackie bought me.
227
00:11:03,469 --> 00:11:05,434
cute. you know, dan bought me one of those
228
00:11:05,469 --> 00:11:08,033
when we first got married,
and he had it engraved.
229
00:11:08,068 --> 00:11:11,234
it said "p.o.w."
230
00:11:11,269 --> 00:11:13,234
i also got
six colors of blush.
231
00:11:13,269 --> 00:11:15,334
crystal's gonna help me
find my perfect shade.
232
00:11:15,369 --> 00:11:16,834
let's do it, sugar.
233
00:11:16,869 --> 00:11:18,601
i'll have you looking
like a cover girl.
234
00:11:18,636 --> 00:11:20,434
rOSEANNE:
once again, the mall
235
00:11:20,469 --> 00:11:23,701
has turned out to be
the ultimate zen experience.
236
00:11:25,669 --> 00:11:29,367
roseanne, come here.
you got to see this.
237
00:11:29,402 --> 00:11:32,767
dwight's out here balancing
beer cans on his head.
238
00:11:32,802 --> 00:11:35,434
he usually don't take
his vacation till summer.
239
00:11:37,067 --> 00:11:39,200
he's doing three cans. that's hard to do.
240
00:11:39,235 --> 00:11:41,834
well, not when
you're in love.
241
00:11:41,869 --> 00:11:43,234
what you're witnessing
242
00:11:43,269 --> 00:11:45,868
is the rarely-seen
primitive mating dance
243
00:11:45,903 --> 00:11:48,834
of the north american
grease monkey.
244
00:11:50,267 --> 00:11:53,334
and guess who he's
dancing for, sister.
245
00:11:53,369 --> 00:11:55,434
hint, hint, hint.
246
00:11:55,469 --> 00:11:58,334
i was down at his
hardware store the other day
247
00:11:58,369 --> 00:12:00,534
and was following me around
like a puppy.
248
00:12:00,569 --> 00:12:02,701
- he's kind of cute.
- cute?
249
00:12:02,736 --> 00:12:06,067
i bet his parents
are brother and sister.
250
00:12:11,000 --> 00:12:13,000
i could do worse.
251
00:12:13,035 --> 00:12:16,167
you have done worse, jackie.
252
00:12:16,202 --> 00:12:18,300
well, maybe you're right,
i don't know.
253
00:12:18,335 --> 00:12:19,801
he is single,
254
00:12:19,836 --> 00:12:22,467
and he has
his own business.
255
00:12:22,502 --> 00:12:24,701
and he's never
been in prison.
256
00:12:24,736 --> 00:12:27,434
i think he likes women.
257
00:12:27,469 --> 00:12:30,000
well, when you consider
the meat market in lanford,
258
00:12:30,035 --> 00:12:31,567
he's not so bad.
259
00:12:31,602 --> 00:12:35,367
yeah, he kind of reminds me
of a big ol' rump roast.
260
00:12:35,402 --> 00:12:38,934
no, there's some good
raw material out there.
261
00:12:38,969 --> 00:12:40,567
this guy's got potential.
262
00:12:40,602 --> 00:12:42,901
with a little work, he
could get whipped into shape.
263
00:12:42,936 --> 00:12:44,434
look what you did with dan.
264
00:12:44,469 --> 00:12:47,534
true, but i'm a unique and
incredible woman, jackie.
265
00:12:50,033 --> 00:12:52,133
and you're saying
that i'm not?
266
00:12:52,168 --> 00:12:53,267
yeah.
267
00:12:53,302 --> 00:12:55,267
i'll have you know
that somebody like me
268
00:12:55,302 --> 00:12:57,300
who is tolerant
and sensitive...
269
00:12:57,335 --> 00:12:58,834
and insane.
270
00:12:58,869 --> 00:13:00,934
i could show you a whole
nother side of dwight.
271
00:13:00,969 --> 00:13:02,434
i could go out there
right now and show you
272
00:13:02,469 --> 00:13:04,200
a dwight that behaves
like a perfect gentleman.
273
00:13:04,235 --> 00:13:06,701
- oh, right.
- i'll do it, too.
274
00:13:08,334 --> 00:13:11,901
you know, jackie, you really
should try earth sometime.
275
00:13:11,936 --> 00:13:14,300
i think you might like it.
276
00:13:16,736 --> 00:13:19,067
i'll tell you what,
fellas.
277
00:13:19,102 --> 00:13:21,334
you let women in as umpires,
278
00:13:21,369 --> 00:13:23,701
you can kiss the game of
baseball right down the toilet.
279
00:13:23,736 --> 00:13:26,801
wOMAN: freddy,
you know what time it is?!
280
00:13:26,836 --> 00:13:29,334
coming, honey.
all right, fellas, i got to go.
281
00:13:29,369 --> 00:13:31,067
yeah, you better run.
282
00:13:31,102 --> 00:13:33,234
i hear the warden
calling you.
283
00:13:33,269 --> 00:13:34,834
thanks a lot,
freddy.
284
00:13:34,869 --> 00:13:37,467
i promised beatrice i'd wash
the screens this afternoon.
285
00:13:37,502 --> 00:13:38,834
see ya.
286
00:13:38,869 --> 00:13:39,901
dWIGHT: so long...
287
00:13:39,936 --> 00:13:41,300
wimp.
288
00:13:43,000 --> 00:13:45,667
- what time is it anyway?
- it's ten to four.
289
00:13:45,702 --> 00:13:48,367
ten to four. dwight, get
over here and help me.
290
00:13:48,402 --> 00:13:49,767
we got ten minutes
to get this engine running.
291
00:13:49,802 --> 00:13:51,901
never fear,
the tool man's here.
292
00:13:51,936 --> 00:13:55,033
- help me hook up these cables.
- hi, guys.what's kickin'?
293
00:13:55,068 --> 00:13:58,434
- hey, jackie.
- hi, dwight.
294
00:13:58,469 --> 00:14:01,801
hey, you got all your gaps
adjusted there, danny boy?
295
00:14:01,836 --> 00:14:03,834
don't bother me now,
roseanne. i'm on a roll.
296
00:14:03,869 --> 00:14:05,267
dwight, get over here.
297
00:14:05,302 --> 00:14:06,501
dWIGHT:
hey, just a second.
298
00:14:06,536 --> 00:14:09,100
how was your little
shopping trip there, jackie?
299
00:14:09,135 --> 00:14:11,467
oh, it was good.
we hit every sale.
300
00:14:11,502 --> 00:14:12,534
yeah?
301
00:14:12,569 --> 00:14:14,534
bet you like
those malls, huh?
302
00:14:14,569 --> 00:14:15,901
all them shoe stores.
303
00:14:17,300 --> 00:14:20,234
jackie loves buying
shoes, don't you, jackie?
304
00:14:20,269 --> 00:14:23,300
i do happen
to enjoy it, roseanne.
305
00:14:23,335 --> 00:14:25,300
boy, the way
you ladies buy shoes,
306
00:14:25,335 --> 00:14:28,200
you'd think y'all
had six feet on every leg.
307
00:14:29,767 --> 00:14:31,968
dwight, what did you do
with the distributor cap?
308
00:14:32,003 --> 00:14:33,968
- i didn't have it.
- yeah, you did.
309
00:14:34,003 --> 00:14:36,234
it's over there
somewhere.
310
00:14:36,269 --> 00:14:38,501
oh!
oh, oh, doggone it.
311
00:14:38,536 --> 00:14:39,934
what's wrong?
312
00:14:39,969 --> 00:14:42,200
it's this darn money clip,
it's nothin'.
313
00:14:42,235 --> 00:14:45,601
it keeps poking me
in the leg.
314
00:14:45,636 --> 00:14:47,067
look at that, would ya.
315
00:14:47,102 --> 00:14:50,000
i'm losing all
my darn money.
316
00:14:50,035 --> 00:14:51,501
yeah, i guess
317
00:14:51,536 --> 00:14:54,267
that itty, bitty little
money clip's just too much
318
00:14:54,302 --> 00:14:56,634
for that great, big wad
of yours, huh, dwight?
319
00:14:58,067 --> 00:15:00,334
i like to keep
my money neat is all.
320
00:15:00,369 --> 00:15:03,634
neatness is an admirable
quality in a gentleman.
321
00:15:03,669 --> 00:15:05,334
i'm a really neat gentleman.
322
00:15:05,369 --> 00:15:07,834
dwight, the distributor
cap's not over here.
323
00:15:07,869 --> 00:15:09,701
- it's somewhere else then.
- where?
324
00:15:09,736 --> 00:15:11,667
in the garage, maybe.
325
00:15:14,400 --> 00:15:16,567
oh, gee.
326
00:15:16,602 --> 00:15:18,601
i think my watch
is wrong, jackie,
327
00:15:18,636 --> 00:15:20,601
'cause it says
it's almost 4:00.
328
00:15:20,636 --> 00:15:22,601
but it couldn't
be almost 4:00.
329
00:15:22,636 --> 00:15:24,968
'cause if it
was almost 4:00,
330
00:15:25,003 --> 00:15:28,200
i'd hear this truck
purring like a race car.
331
00:15:28,235 --> 00:15:31,100
it ain't over
till it's over.
332
00:15:31,135 --> 00:15:34,167
you guys gonna get this
tank up and rattling again?
333
00:15:34,202 --> 00:15:35,300
yeah.
334
00:15:35,335 --> 00:15:38,267
pretty sorry piece
of scrap iron, isn't it?
335
00:15:38,302 --> 00:15:41,934
- you ever seen my car?
- that lime green convertible?
336
00:15:41,969 --> 00:15:43,300
yeah.
337
00:15:43,335 --> 00:15:44,801
my monster.
338
00:15:44,836 --> 00:15:47,267
it's got
a bored out 327,
339
00:15:47,302 --> 00:15:49,067
with dual quads.
340
00:15:49,102 --> 00:15:51,200
it can do 125 m.p.h.'S.
341
00:15:51,235 --> 00:15:52,534
no wonder your mom
342
00:15:52,569 --> 00:15:55,434
wears her hair
straight back.
343
00:16:01,335 --> 00:16:04,100
i can't find that damn
distributor cap anywhere.
344
00:16:04,135 --> 00:16:06,100
did you look for it?
345
00:16:06,135 --> 00:16:08,334
no...
346
00:16:08,369 --> 00:16:10,033
i was out there
tearing up my garage
347
00:16:10,068 --> 00:16:11,968
just for the hell of it!
348
00:16:13,334 --> 00:16:15,834
well, dan, you should
go look in the kitchen.
349
00:16:15,869 --> 00:16:17,434
why would it be
in the kitchen?
350
00:16:17,469 --> 00:16:21,000
because everything in the free
world ends up in the kitchen.
351
00:16:21,035 --> 00:16:23,801
- dwight.
- huh?
352
00:16:23,836 --> 00:16:27,400
what did you do
with the distributor cap?
353
00:16:27,435 --> 00:16:30,467
um, far left-hand corner
of the tool shelf
354
00:16:30,502 --> 00:16:32,634
behind the motor oil.
355
00:16:32,669 --> 00:16:34,133
and you know what?
356
00:16:34,168 --> 00:16:36,567
you got five minutes and
29 seconds to find it?
357
00:16:36,602 --> 00:16:38,567
when i find
that distributor cap,
358
00:16:38,602 --> 00:16:40,968
you're gonna be shoveling
snow for the rest of your life.
359
00:16:41,003 --> 00:16:43,667
five minutes
and 27 seconds.
360
00:16:43,702 --> 00:16:45,200
dARLENE: mom!
361
00:16:45,235 --> 00:16:46,767
i'm busy!
362
00:16:46,802 --> 00:16:49,934
i can't get your sewing machine to stop!
363
00:16:49,969 --> 00:16:51,934
oh, darlene,
stay away from it!
364
00:16:51,969 --> 00:16:54,434
don't touch anything!
365
00:16:54,469 --> 00:16:57,701
it's a three-ring
circus around here.
366
00:16:58,968 --> 00:17:02,000
yeah, and dan's
the dancing bear.
367
00:17:02,035 --> 00:17:04,767
you know, dwight,
i was talking to roseanne,
368
00:17:04,802 --> 00:17:06,667
and i told her that i...
369
00:17:06,702 --> 00:17:08,834
thought
you were a pretty good guy.
370
00:17:08,869 --> 00:17:10,367
- really?
- yeah.
371
00:17:13,167 --> 00:17:15,467
listen, jackie, um...
372
00:17:15,502 --> 00:17:18,267
you know, ever since you
were in my store last week,
373
00:17:18,302 --> 00:17:19,767
i've been thinking.
374
00:17:19,802 --> 00:17:21,267
about what?
375
00:17:21,302 --> 00:17:22,801
uh, about you.
376
00:17:22,836 --> 00:17:24,167
really?
377
00:17:24,202 --> 00:17:25,534
- really.
- oh!
378
00:17:27,467 --> 00:17:28,934
i've been thinking
379
00:17:28,969 --> 00:17:32,734
maybe you'd like me to come
over to your place sometime.
380
00:17:33,801 --> 00:17:35,300
we can do that.
381
00:17:35,335 --> 00:17:36,367
- yeah?
- yeah.
382
00:17:38,634 --> 00:17:40,167
whoo.
383
00:17:41,667 --> 00:17:44,067
maybe i could
give your engine
384
00:17:44,102 --> 00:17:45,901
a little tune-up.
385
00:17:45,936 --> 00:17:48,801
a tune-up?
no, my car's okay.
386
00:17:48,836 --> 00:17:51,300
i'm talking
about your engine.
387
00:17:51,335 --> 00:17:53,467
engines i tune
stay tuned.
388
00:17:53,502 --> 00:17:55,734
you know what i mean?
389
00:17:55,769 --> 00:17:58,234
yeah, i know
what you mean, dwight.
390
00:17:58,269 --> 00:18:00,234
i'll tell you
what, jackie,
391
00:18:00,269 --> 00:18:02,234
with a chassis
like yours,
392
00:18:02,269 --> 00:18:04,234
it'll be a pleasure
to pop your hood.
393
00:18:04,269 --> 00:18:07,334
what do you say?
394
00:18:07,369 --> 00:18:09,767
i say...
395
00:18:09,802 --> 00:18:12,300
i think you just blew it.
396
00:18:21,234 --> 00:18:23,734
hey, guy.
397
00:18:23,769 --> 00:18:25,300
yeah.
398
00:18:25,335 --> 00:18:28,100
- you okay?
- oh, sure.
399
00:18:28,135 --> 00:18:31,701
i was only asking her out
'cause she's your sister-in-law.
400
00:18:31,736 --> 00:18:34,868
hey, man, her loss.
401
00:18:34,903 --> 00:18:36,868
why can't i meet a guy
who's interested in something
402
00:18:36,903 --> 00:18:39,467
other than getting
his hands on my chassis?
403
00:18:39,502 --> 00:18:41,100
well, jackie,
404
00:18:41,135 --> 00:18:44,334
i'm sure there's three or four
guys like that left in the world.
405
00:18:44,369 --> 00:18:46,501
they just ain't
in my driveway.
406
00:18:46,536 --> 00:18:49,400
if i could meet a guy
with half a brain,
407
00:18:49,435 --> 00:18:52,334
an ounce of courage,
and a little bit of heart,
408
00:18:52,369 --> 00:18:54,334
i'd fall in love.
409
00:18:54,369 --> 00:18:56,701
follow the yellow
brick road.
410
00:18:56,736 --> 00:18:59,501
mom and jackie, which
is my perfect shade?
411
00:18:59,536 --> 00:19:01,601
we put three different
blushes on her cheek.
412
00:19:01,636 --> 00:19:03,601
pick the one
you like best.
413
00:19:03,636 --> 00:19:06,801
oh, i like it over here.
this looks great over there.
414
00:19:06,836 --> 00:19:08,534
mom, there's
no blush there.
415
00:19:08,569 --> 00:19:10,734
- i like this middle one.
- that's the one crystal picked.
416
00:19:10,769 --> 00:19:12,968
it's called
"pinch of plum."
417
00:19:13,003 --> 00:19:14,801
yummy.
418
00:19:14,836 --> 00:19:16,801
honey, you put on that blush
like i showed you,
419
00:19:16,836 --> 00:19:18,801
you'll have the boys
standing in line.
420
00:19:18,836 --> 00:19:20,801
thanks, crystal.
421
00:19:20,836 --> 00:19:22,901
well, this has been fun,
422
00:19:22,936 --> 00:19:25,367
but i have to get home.
423
00:19:27,167 --> 00:19:29,934
- bye, dan.
- i'll see you, crystal.
424
00:19:29,969 --> 00:19:31,434
rOSEANNE: it's 4:00.
425
00:19:31,469 --> 00:19:32,767
hark!
426
00:19:32,802 --> 00:19:34,200
i believe i hear
427
00:19:34,235 --> 00:19:37,234
a dirty oven calling you.
428
00:19:37,269 --> 00:19:39,334
it's fine,
you win your stupid bet.
429
00:19:39,369 --> 00:19:41,701
but i was under a handicap-
you took away my best man.
430
00:19:41,736 --> 00:19:43,434
what are you talking about?
431
00:19:43,469 --> 00:19:45,501
i'm talking about the joke
you played on dwight.
432
00:19:45,536 --> 00:19:47,501
i don't know how you can
feel good about winning
433
00:19:47,536 --> 00:19:48,868
when my buddy's crushed.
434
00:19:48,903 --> 00:19:51,100
- crushed?
- you leveled that guy.
435
00:19:51,135 --> 00:19:53,801
dan, i went out there
to give him every chance.
436
00:19:53,836 --> 00:19:55,300
he acted like a pig.
437
00:19:55,335 --> 00:19:57,434
i know the guy ain't
exactly prince charming,
438
00:19:57,469 --> 00:19:59,734
but every time i've needed him,
he's been there for me.
439
00:19:59,769 --> 00:20:02,734
he's a human being, jackie.
he's got feelings.
440
00:20:02,769 --> 00:20:04,467
he's right, jackie.
441
00:20:04,502 --> 00:20:06,467
how could
you turn down a guy
442
00:20:06,502 --> 00:20:08,467
with a lime green
monster?
443
00:20:08,502 --> 00:20:10,467
i thought you were
gonna stay out of this.
444
00:20:10,502 --> 00:20:12,534
i did, and that's
why it's all messed up.
445
00:20:12,569 --> 00:20:15,100
dan, i swear, i went out
there to give him a chance.
446
00:20:15,135 --> 00:20:17,501
a chance?
a chance to look like a jerk?
447
00:20:17,536 --> 00:20:19,934
but he's
so good at it.
448
00:20:22,667 --> 00:20:24,534
go ahead and joke.
449
00:20:24,569 --> 00:20:25,968
meanwhile, my buddy's
sitting out there
450
00:20:26,003 --> 00:20:28,100
trying to scrape his pride
off the driveway.
451
00:20:28,135 --> 00:20:30,067
oh, dan, get off it.
452
00:20:30,102 --> 00:20:33,067
honey, you didn't see the
look on that poor guy's face.
453
00:20:33,102 --> 00:20:35,234
he's scarred for life.
he'll never get over it.
454
00:20:35,269 --> 00:20:38,634
excuse me. jackie, could you move your car?
455
00:20:38,669 --> 00:20:40,634
- you're blocking me in.
- yeah, i'll move it.
456
00:20:40,669 --> 00:20:43,000
i'm gonna give your
friend dwight a ride home.
457
00:20:43,035 --> 00:20:45,000
he's not
feeling too good,
458
00:20:45,035 --> 00:20:47,067
and his mother
has his car.
459
00:20:50,767 --> 00:20:52,033
whoa.
460
00:20:52,068 --> 00:20:54,367
catch ya later, big guy.
461
00:21:02,100 --> 00:21:04,901
guess he got over it.
462
00:21:12,402 --> 00:21:14,367
listen to that-
purring like a kitten.
463
00:21:14,402 --> 00:21:16,534
and it's only 10:30.
464
00:21:18,901 --> 00:21:21,868
remember how we used to go to
the drive-in every saturday night?
465
00:21:21,903 --> 00:21:24,601
yeah, we'd put
the kids in pajamas.
466
00:21:24,636 --> 00:21:26,734
then we'd pop
that big bag of corn.
467
00:21:26,769 --> 00:21:28,734
that was really fun,
wasn't it?
468
00:21:28,769 --> 00:21:30,734
i can't believe they
tore down that old drive-in.
469
00:21:30,769 --> 00:21:33,567
and put up that incredibly
beautiful mini-mall.
470
00:21:33,602 --> 00:21:37,334
the kids always fall asleep
during the second feature,
471
00:21:37,369 --> 00:21:38,968
and we get romantic.
472
00:21:39,003 --> 00:21:40,767
you mean
you'd get romantic.
473
00:21:40,802 --> 00:21:42,267
of course i would.
474
00:21:42,302 --> 00:21:43,767
you'd put your head
on my shoulder,
475
00:21:43,802 --> 00:21:45,767
and we'd cuddle up
real close,
476
00:21:45,802 --> 00:21:49,267
and you'd look right
up there at the screen.
477
00:21:49,302 --> 00:21:51,567
- can you see it?
- yeah.
478
00:21:51,602 --> 00:21:53,567
what are they playing?
479
00:21:53,602 --> 00:21:55,100
"guns of navarone."
480
00:21:55,135 --> 00:21:57,100
nah, i don't wanna
watch that again.
481
00:21:57,135 --> 00:22:00,467
- what do you wanna watch?
- "doctor zee-vaygo."
482
00:22:02,167 --> 00:22:04,167
all right,
i could see that.
483
00:22:04,202 --> 00:22:06,167
yeah,
see the snow falling
484
00:22:06,202 --> 00:22:08,567
and the trains
pulling into the station?
485
00:22:08,602 --> 00:22:10,601
yeah, she's there
waiting for him.
486
00:22:10,636 --> 00:22:13,234
- yeah.
- and he steps down off the train.
487
00:22:13,269 --> 00:22:15,300
their eyes meet.
488
00:22:15,335 --> 00:22:18,334
he walks over, he reaches
out and takes her hand...
489
00:22:18,369 --> 00:22:21,634
and says, "how would you
like me to pop your hood?"
490
00:22:22,634 --> 00:22:32,634
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