All language subtitles for Roseanne s01e08 Heres To Good Friends.eng

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babe, are my
sideburns even?

you don't have
any sideburns.

remember when i
had 'em down to here,

and my hair down to my shoulders? boink.

yeah, and when you used
to ride your motorcycle,

you had to borrow
my barrettes.

yeah, i was a stud,
wasn't i?

yeah, what happened?

some woman
married me.

thanks, warden.

- did they call off school yet?
- not yet.

oh, please let school be closed. please,
i don't wanna do this book report.

- ooh, do you believe this?
- what?

thirty-eight inches of snow
in fargo, north dakota.

oh, those poor
fargo-ites.

mAN ON RADIO: wE HAVE THE
LAST OF THE SCHOOL CLOSINGS IN.

rIKES hIGH sCHOOL, lE mAR hIGH
sCHOOL AND tHIRD sTREET eLEMENTARY

WILL BE CLOSED TODAY.

- aLL SCHOOLS IN THE aURORA AND lANFORD DISTRICTS...
- lanford!

- ...WILL BE OPEN.
- oh, no!

yay!

rOSEANNE: you know,
she hasn't read the book.

it's freezing
in here.

pour some of that
over my feet, would you?

- it was 12 degrees when i left the house this morning.
- tell me about it.

i kissed dan goodbye,
and my tongue got stuck to him.

i almost had to
bring him to work with me.

- crystal, you all right?
- huh?

something bothering you?

- she's been weird all day.
- i'm fine.

- hey, pete, any heat coming out of there at all?
- nada.

you gonna fix that heat,
or do we build a bonfire?

you want heat? i'll give
you all you can handle.

i'd rather
freeze to death.

you know, jackie, i think
you got a hormonal problem.

no way, pete.

it's just when you're around,
our hormones mutate.

- pete, you check the fuse box?
- yeah, i was just about to do that.

- it's a good idea.
- jACKIE: hey, booker. hey, hey, booker.

- are we still on for tonight?
- on for what?

there is now.

well, you know, jackie,
i- i'd love to go-

- but?
- but my mom's in town.

- oh.
- yeah, and, you know, for a couple of days.

- yeah, well, if you've got other plans.
- my mom's really in town.

- no, you don't owe me any explanation.
- all right.

that's just 20 bucks
for the tickets.

- well-
- no, i'm kidding.

here, take your mom to
the auto show. it's on me.

well, you're feeling
pretty generous there, sis.

what?no, i got
the tickets for free.

i'm just trying
to make him feel bad.

- roseanne, you got something for a headache?
- yeah.

three screaming kids.

- what do you want, doll?
- got aspirin?

well, you want
tablets or caplets,

or would you like
an effervescent?

anything.

- there you go.
- thanks.

what is wrong?

- oh, nothing.
- are you sure?

- i'm sure.
- rOSEANNE: okay.

- two, three, four...
- hank ruined my life.

let me guess.
he... dumped you?

for somebody else.

and you didn't
see it coming.

i'm so stupid.

stupid, stupid, stupid!

oh, crystal,
don't be stupid.

i'm sorry. it's just my
whole world collapsed.

well, there's only
one thing to do.

we'll all go out to the lobo lounge
after work, we'll talk this thing over.

oh, no, i'd have to get
a sitter to watch lonnie.

crystal,
then get a sitter.

no, no, you two don't have to take
me out. that's too much bother.

crystal, you gotta go out with
us and talk this thing over.

otherwise, you know,
you'll get home

and you'll get all upset,

and then you'll put on
your patsy cline records,

and you'll sit on the kitchen floor,
and then you'll cry and cry and cry,

then you'll call me up 80
million times and drive me nuts.

i won't call you,
i- i promise.

i'm an adult, and i gotta learn to
work these things out for myself.

darlene, pick up
these paper wads now.

- but i gotta do my report.
- i thought that was due today.

mrs. crane was sick.
it's not due till tomorrow.

and the forecast
is for snow!

- did you read the book?
- snow!

read the book.

- i'll get it.
- okay.

hello?

oh, yeah.hi, crystal.
what's wrong?

yeah, she's here.
hold on.

roseanne, it's crystal.
she don't sound so good.

- thanks.
- probably has to do a book report.

hi, crystal.

no, it's all right.no.

no, stop crying.

turn that
record player down.

no, no, that's okay.

no, me and jackie,
we're gonna come and get you

and we're gonna go out
and talk about it.

no, you're not stupid.

no.okay.all right.
okay, bye.

rOSEANNE: don't pick them up.
darlene's supposed to do it.

whee!

- what's going on?
- well, crystal's flipping out again.

- guy problems?
- no, she couldn't get in to law school.

- she got dumped, huh?
- yeah.

listen, me and jackie
are gonna go get her, you know,

and then we're gonna
go over to the lobo lounge

and help her out
with her love life here.

so you're gonna desert me and leave
me here with a houseful of kids?

- yep.
- okay.

listen, and this is gonna
be out of here in 15 minutes.

darlene,
when i come home,

i wanna see a finished
book report on this table.

dARLENE: i know, mom. i know.

- what are you gonna gonna tell crystal?
- what i always tell her.

to give up on romance
and get married.

worked for us.

okay, i'm gonna have one drink,
and then i'm gonna go home.

tv ANNOUNCER: sWING PASS TO THE TAILBACK,
AND HE'S CAUGHT BEHIND THE LINE OF SCRIMMAGE!

- yeah.
- yes!

- savannah.
- hey, rosie, how you doing?

- i'm great.
- where's your old man?

- i left him home with the kids. -
you mean, you got him to baby-sit?

baby-sit, hell.
they're his kids too.

well, what can
i do for you?

give us a couple of beers.
what are you drinking, crystal?

- oh, anything.
- give her a glass of pine tar.

i'll have
a pink squirrel.

so what's with her?
she lose another man?

- that's why we're here.
- well, you tell her that pink squirrel is on the house.

oh, crystal,
you're just so cute

when you're morbid, depressed
and self-destructive.

i can't help it.

when i met hank, i thought the
dating gods had finally smiled on me.

oh, forget that jerk. you'll probably
meet another one within a week.

- you want me to run a tab?
- definitely.crystal's paying.

- i didn't bring that much cash.
- okay, jackie's paying.

here you go, doll.
on the house.

wAITRESS: i need two
drafts and a vodka tonic.

okay, here's an empty table.

- might as well grab it while you can.
- thanks, claire.

you know, hank used to
buy me pink squirrels.

all right, crystal,
spit it out.

what happened
with this creep?

last night he came to
pick me up to go bowling,

and the minute he said hello,
i could see goodbye in his eyes.

- what exactly did he say?
- same thing they always say.

"crystal, you're the most
wonderful woman i've ever known,

but i've fallen in love
with someone else."

- i trusted hank.
- boy, not me.

them buffed fingernails
kept me up at night.

why does this always
happen to me?

when i meet a man, i give
and give and give some more,

and then he takes and takes
and takes some more,

and then he dumps me.

well, there's a definite
pattern here, crystal.

but i'm a nice person. why
does this always happen to me?

well, i don't know how
to tell you this, honey,

but, well,
you're a doormat.

- i am not.
- crystal, how many times have you been married?

- i don't see what that has to do with anything.
- no, no, no.how many times?

- three.
- and how many times you had you heart broken?

more times
than i can count.

well, why do you
think that is?

because i'm a doormat.

you see what it all comes
down to? it's your self-esteem.

oh, i never had
any of that.

jACKIE: you're a classic case, crystal.

this is a lifelong pattern
that will just repeat itself

over and over
and over again.

you're right.
you're absolutely right.

when a man pays me a compliment,
next thing you know i'm married.

and then, before i can blink, i'm divorced.

and that is the pattern
that you have to break.

you can't get sucked in
to all those compliments.

- well, i can't help it.
- yes, you can, crystal.

you just need
some practice.

listen, let's pretend that i'm a guy.

oh, roseanne,
that's silly.

no, i'm gonna be one these studs
over here at the bar, you know?

and then i'm gonna
come over to you

and start coming
on to you, see,

and then you tell me
to get lost.

- okay, i'll try.
- okay, i'm gonna be the man.

hey, there,
little missy.

you wouldn't know how
to fix a broken zipper

in an old pair of
blue jeans now, now would you?

you're pathetic.

oh, you're about as pretty as a young deer

running through a green field in the autumn.

and now you tell him
to get lost.

please get lost.

oh, for crying out loud,
crystal. i'll do it.

okay, you be the guy and
you do it to me. now watch.

all right,
sit down.

okay,
here he comes.

hello there,
you sweet young-

oh, my!

- jACKIE: hello!
- rOSEANNE: hey!

take a hike, pal,
and crawl back under your rock.

get away from me,
you weasel-faced geek.

see?it's easy.

you either learn
how to do that,

or you swear off
men forever.

excuse me,
is this chair taken?

yes, that chair's taken.
quit bothering us!

go on a hike!

oh, she forgot
to take her medication.

sorry.

- go ahead and take the chair.
- thanks.

get a grip.

lighten up, crystal.
he only wanted a chair.

look, first they want your
chair, then they want your bed.

- they're all alike, rotten to the core.
- oh, crystal.

there are a few decent men left out there.

you mean,
like booker?

booker happens to have
a lot of potential.

well, why don't you go
tell him that? there he is.

ooh, who's
he with?

his mother.

- tv ANNOUNCER: tHE PASS GOES
LONG DOWNFIELD.

hE'S UNDER IT, HE'S GOT IT!
tOUCHDOWN!

all right! another six points! blowout city!

i hate betsy ross. i wish she'd
have sewn her fingers together.

- darlene, get back in there and finish that report.
- dad, you said you'd help me.

darlene, i'm not gonna
read the book for you.

- i read the stupid book.
- then write the stupid report.

dad, she was born,

she sewed a flag,
and she died.

i can't write
five pages about that.

please, those of us who did our
homework are trying to watch the game.

- oh, shove it.
- hey!

she didn't finish
the dishes.

- you didn't?
- i'm letting them soak.

please let me watch the game.
please, please let me watch the game.

all right, all right. ten more
minutes, and then that's it.

oh, yes.

- qUARTERBACK LOOKING OVER
THE SECONDARY...

- ...NOW HE'S AUDIBLIZING.
- i'll get it.

tHERE'S THE BLITZ.
hE BEATS THE RUSH, THROWS...

hello?hey, rosie,
how's crystal?

- dAN: oh!oh!oh!
- whoo!whoo!

- nothing, honey.
- dad, did you see that play?

yeah, i know, honey,
it's way past d.j.'s bedtime,

but, honey, it's important for
a young boy to watch football.

oh, honey, don't worry about
a thing. the dishes are fine.

yeah, darlene's in there
pounding out that book report.

yeah.no.okay.
no, don't worry about us.

we're fine. stay out as long as you want.

tv ANNOUNCER:
aNOTHER FIRST DOWN.

okay, that's it, that's it. becky,
get in there and do those dishes.

- dad, you said ten more minutes.
- i lied.

darlene, get in there
and finish that report.

d.j., upstairs now.

but, dad, you promised you'd help me.

you're right.okay, i did. all
right, no more football for anyone.

tv's going off then.
that's it. i mean it.

oh! oh! baby, baby, baby, baby,
baby, baby, baby, baby, baby!

iT'S ANOTHER bEARS TOUCHDOWN!

oh, touchdown!

- yes!
- whoo-hoo!

oh!

all right, ten more minutes,
and then that's it.

i don't believe that guy.
his mother.

what'd i tell you? it just proves
my point. they're all rotten.

- roseanne, give me your wedding ring.
- for what?

- just let me use it.
- what are you gonna do?

you know, booker, times like
this i'm sorry i got a roommate.

well, you know, it just so
happens that i live alone.

think i should call my roommate,
tell her not to wait up?

that... might be
a good idea.

- hi.
- hi.

um...
jackie, uh...

janine, this is jackie.
jackie, this is janine.

hi, glad to meet you.

booker, where have you been? i've
been looking for you for three days.

- jackie.
- honey, are you ever coming home?

booker, what's going on?

i'm sorry to interrupt. it's just that the
kids have been asking about their daddy.

- the kids?
- jackie, cut it out.

- is this your wife?
- no.

- you divorced?
- is that what he's been telling you?

this is not my wife.

- sweetheart, what are you saying?
- there is no wife.

- honey, don't do that to me.
- there's no wife, there's no kids.

- it's all a joke.
- no, you're the joke.

janine, come on.
wait.

- what was that?
- you would pass up the auto show to take out that tramp?

- she is just a friend.
- of your mother's?

- give me a break.
- you lied to me.

- i'm sorry, i didn't think it was gonna hurt you.
- i didn't say that it hurt me.

i said that
you lied to me.

- the way you treat me at work, i didn't
think it mattered- - oh, don't give me that.

you know damn well the way we treat each
other has nothing to do with the way we feel.

- well, how do we feel?
- i don't know.

why don't you buy me a beer,
and we'll talk about it.

i'd give anything to have
a man as wonderful as dan.

yeah, he's all right.

what was the one thing that
made you want to marry him?

his sense of humor.

that and the ways his jeans kept
falling off the back of his butt.

you're lucky you grabbed him in high
school when the picking's were lush.

yeah, i snapped
him right up.

i'd give anything to
be back in high school.

- god, why?
- life was so good.

you had hayrides
and pep rallies,

slow dancing
with tommy martin.

i just thought my life was
gonna turn out so different.

well, crystal, let's face
some hard, cold facts now.

uh, pep rallies
and hayrides stink.

and, uh,
tommy martin's probably

living under some bridge by now, and
drinking wine out of a paper sack.

- no, he's a cpa in detroit.
- same thing.

crystal, you don't want
to go back to high school,

and, you know, man or no man,
you're a good person.

- i don't feel like one.
- well, you are a good person, crystal.

you're a great
mother to lonnie,

and you're always the first
person that comes running

every time anybody
needs anything.

and, you know, you're honest
and you're hard-working.

let's face it,
crystal, you-

you are a vital,
intelligent woman

in the prime
of your life.

you buying
any of that crap?

- some of it.
- well, that's enough.

tv ANNOUNCER: qUICK PASS OVER THE
MIDDLE. hE'S GOT IT, HE SCORES!

yeah!yeah!

- whoo-hoo-hoo!
- whoo!

what do you think
you're doing?

oh, come on, you're not
still mad at me, are you?

- i might be.
- jackie, please.

- please what?
- you gotta forgive me.

i'll think about it.

all right,

this is just
an idea, okay?

but why don't you come back
to my place and forgive me?

oh.

well, why don't you
go back to your place

and forgive yourself?

- how we doing here?
- oh, another round, claire.

oh, and one of them gooey
cheese pizzas, a large.

yeah,
coming right up.

thank you.

well, i seen booker's date just
kind of hightailed it out of here.

i guess so. i hope it
wasn't anything i said.

- oh, i'm sure it wasn't.
- can you believe that guy?

i chase off his date, he asks me to
go back to his apartment with him.

jackie, don't let
it get you down,

because you are
an intelligent,

vital woman
in the prime of her life.

- what?
- tell her, roseanne.

- crystal's drunk.
- no, i'm not.

jackie, let's face it.

we are all good women, and any
man would be lucky to have us.

and for the right price,
they could.

oh, no, no, no.
you wait and see.

one of these days,
the perfect man will come along

who is handsome, intelligent,
and has great character.

oh, look at the character on that guy.

"national heroine,
admired, respected...

and then she died.

the end."

- so, what'd you think?
- pretty good.

yeah, it's five
whole pages.

should be.
your wrote big enough.

oh, crane won't
know the difference.

you're right, teachers aren't
on to that kind of stuff.

- ooh, hi.
- dAN: hi, babe.

- ooh, what are you doing up?
- i just finished my book report.

- how'd it go with crystal?
- oh, it was great.

we talked her out of her
depression and back into her rut.

so how's that
book report doing?

- pretty good.
- pretty good?

this is great. i worked
really hard on this thing.

well, i'm so proud
of you, honey,

and i have really great
news for you, too.

it's snowing really,
really hard out there,

and there is no way there's
gonna be any school tomorrow.

no!

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