Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:00,589 --> 00:00:03,289
KZFY P-p-p-p-p-Portland.
2
00:00:03,291 --> 00:00:05,925
And 97.2.
This is Fizzy.
3
00:00:05,927 --> 00:00:08,128
And this is Ziggy.
Welcome and good morning.
4
00:00:08,130 --> 00:00:09,863
Uh, just about the 6:00 hour.
5
00:00:09,865 --> 00:00:11,097
Wake up!
6
00:00:11,099 --> 00:00:12,265
- [rooster crowing]
- [laughter]
7
00:00:12,267 --> 00:00:13,967
[gunshot]
8
00:00:13,969 --> 00:00:16,035
When I woke up this morning,
my wife was looking at me.
9
00:00:16,037 --> 00:00:17,804
She's like--
she got that belly fat.
10
00:00:17,806 --> 00:00:19,005
Come on.
11
00:00:19,007 --> 00:00:20,507
She suddenly got
the belly fat.
12
00:00:20,509 --> 00:00:22,642
I-- you know,
I'm on Tinder now.
13
00:00:22,644 --> 00:00:24,778
- What?
- Yes, I'm giving it a try.
14
00:00:24,780 --> 00:00:26,146
- [sad muted trombone]
- Fizzy can't get a date.
15
00:00:26,148 --> 00:00:27,480
Guys, what's wrong with ya?
16
00:00:27,482 --> 00:00:29,649
You got a girl here.
She's looking great.
17
00:00:29,651 --> 00:00:32,051
Her hair's looking--
I'm talking blonde.
18
00:00:32,053 --> 00:00:34,554
And we need a cleanup on aisle
six, 'cause she is ready to go.
19
00:00:34,556 --> 00:00:36,289
I'm sorry. We're talking
about slip and slide.
20
00:00:36,291 --> 00:00:37,791
- Yeah, baby.
- [water splashes]
21
00:00:37,793 --> 00:00:39,058
Let me tell you
something else too.
22
00:00:39,060 --> 00:00:40,560
We got a couple
of announcements.
23
00:00:40,562 --> 00:00:42,128
Louis CK coming up
at the Hollywood Theater.
24
00:00:42,130 --> 00:00:43,696
Louis, call me, by the way.
I'm single.
25
00:00:43,698 --> 00:00:45,165
- [squeaking]
- I'm gonna say it.
26
00:00:45,167 --> 00:00:46,399
I'm okay with
a little light spanking.
27
00:00:46,401 --> 00:00:48,001
[slap]
28
00:00:48,003 --> 00:00:49,502
Fizzy, did you ever get
some of that butt makeup?
29
00:00:49,504 --> 00:00:51,738
- [boinging]
- Look, I'm a regular guy.
30
00:00:51,740 --> 00:00:53,573
I like rock and roll.
I like a hot dog and a beer.
31
00:00:53,575 --> 00:00:55,408
But it doesn't even
make sense.
32
00:00:55,410 --> 00:00:56,843
Guys, wouldn't you like it
if ladies put a little bit
33
00:00:56,845 --> 00:00:58,845
of just a blush
on some of them butts?
34
00:00:58,847 --> 00:01:00,713
- [kissing]
- [both laughing]
35
00:01:00,715 --> 00:01:02,515
So Louis CK
at the Hollywood Theater.
36
00:01:02,517 --> 00:01:05,318
- [bells ringing, honk]
- 17 years since my last drink.
37
00:01:05,320 --> 00:01:07,720
I wish I had one
every single day.
38
00:01:07,722 --> 00:01:09,823
[button clicks]
39
00:01:09,825 --> 00:01:12,826
[Washed Out's
"Feel It All Around" playing]
40
00:01:26,774 --> 00:01:28,094
Sync and corrections by n17t01
www.addic7ed.com
41
00:01:28,543 --> 00:01:30,276
So you guys know
I dropped out of high school
42
00:01:30,278 --> 00:01:33,012
to focus on
my entrepreneurial endeavors.
43
00:01:33,014 --> 00:01:34,514
- Oh, yeah.
- Yep.
44
00:01:34,516 --> 00:01:36,216
We encouraged you.
45
00:01:36,218 --> 00:01:38,418
That's why your mom
won't speak to us anymore.
46
00:01:38,420 --> 00:01:39,686
Well, I have
an opportunity
47
00:01:39,688 --> 00:01:41,521
that only comes
once in a lifetime, yo.
48
00:01:41,523 --> 00:01:43,456
Once in a lifetime?
49
00:01:43,458 --> 00:01:45,091
I have seen the future.
50
00:01:45,093 --> 00:01:47,627
The future comes
as strawberry, blueberry,
51
00:01:47,629 --> 00:01:49,963
bubble gum, nilla, banilla.
52
00:01:49,965 --> 00:01:53,433
What am I talking about?
E-juice.
53
00:01:53,435 --> 00:01:54,968
both: Ooh.
54
00:01:54,970 --> 00:01:56,269
And how do you get
to this e-juice, you ask?
55
00:01:56,271 --> 00:01:58,538
You vape.
Smoking is out.
56
00:01:58,540 --> 00:02:00,473
Vaping is in.
57
00:02:00,475 --> 00:02:02,208
both: Oh.
58
00:02:02,210 --> 00:02:05,645
And there's over 45 million
analog smokers in the US,
59
00:02:05,647 --> 00:02:07,714
but only 2 1/2 million
e-smokers.
60
00:02:07,716 --> 00:02:09,549
That means this market
has a lot of room to grow.
61
00:02:09,551 --> 00:02:11,150
both: Ooh.
62
00:02:11,152 --> 00:02:14,754
In fact, e-cigarette sales
have doubled in the last year,
63
00:02:14,756 --> 00:02:18,458
going from this...
64
00:02:18,460 --> 00:02:19,726
to this.
65
00:02:19,728 --> 00:02:21,427
- Oh.
- Ooh.
66
00:02:21,429 --> 00:02:23,463
And all these new vapers,
they need a kick-it spot.
67
00:02:23,465 --> 00:02:25,064
They need a place to go,
68
00:02:25,066 --> 00:02:26,733
and that's where
you guys come in.
69
00:02:26,735 --> 00:02:28,601
I'd like you to be my partners
in opening up a vape shop.
70
00:02:28,603 --> 00:02:30,436
There's a space
currently available,
71
00:02:30,438 --> 00:02:32,405
and I think that if we don't
get in there and start vaping,
72
00:02:32,407 --> 00:02:33,907
somebody else will.
73
00:02:33,909 --> 00:02:35,475
What do you say?
74
00:02:35,477 --> 00:02:37,143
We could move
some assets around.
75
00:02:37,145 --> 00:02:39,846
Yeah, but, we could
lose our shirts on this.
76
00:02:39,848 --> 00:02:41,915
Yeah.
77
00:02:41,917 --> 00:02:45,118
- Oh.
- Or we could make a $1 million.
78
00:02:45,120 --> 00:02:47,287
Oh, okay.
Give it to him.
79
00:02:47,289 --> 00:02:52,258
How does an investment
of $800 sound?
80
00:02:52,260 --> 00:02:54,961
Does "Giddy up, new partner"
mean anything to you?
81
00:02:54,963 --> 00:02:57,263
- All right.
- [laughing]
82
00:02:57,265 --> 00:02:59,599
Okay, so what
are we gonna call this place?
83
00:02:59,601 --> 00:03:02,101
I was thinking
The Vaped Crusader.
84
00:03:02,103 --> 00:03:04,437
Ooh, what about,
Statutory Vape?
85
00:03:04,439 --> 00:03:05,505
Mm?
[laughing]
86
00:03:05,507 --> 00:03:07,273
Oh, come here, you.
87
00:03:07,275 --> 00:03:09,709
[both laughing]
88
00:03:09,711 --> 00:03:11,377
Go away.
Out.
89
00:03:11,379 --> 00:03:12,545
[phone rings]
90
00:03:12,547 --> 00:03:13,846
Cheap and Shitty
Storefront Design.
91
00:03:13,848 --> 00:03:14,847
How may I help you?
92
00:03:14,849 --> 00:03:16,616
Oh, that sounds very shitty.
93
00:03:16,618 --> 00:03:18,751
We'll be there later today.
94
00:03:18,753 --> 00:03:20,853
- What do we got?
- Another vape store.
95
00:03:20,855 --> 00:03:22,121
What?
It is seriously
96
00:03:22,123 --> 00:03:23,489
"Planet of the Vapes"
around here.
97
00:03:23,491 --> 00:03:24,691
[laughs]
98
00:03:24,693 --> 00:03:27,493
We tear all the wood out.
99
00:03:27,495 --> 00:03:30,730
We want to get rid of anything
that seems natural, authentic.
100
00:03:30,732 --> 00:03:32,498
Get rid of everything here,
all those bags.
101
00:03:32,500 --> 00:03:34,233
Get rid of the espresso machine.
Get rid of that.
102
00:03:34,235 --> 00:03:36,169
- That all goes. That all goes.
- Anything rustic is gone.
103
00:03:36,171 --> 00:03:39,005
Anything authentic, anything
organic, anything permanent.
104
00:03:39,007 --> 00:03:40,573
The lighting is
too warm in here.
105
00:03:40,575 --> 00:03:42,075
This is too-- I'm feeling
too good about this.
106
00:03:42,077 --> 00:03:44,043
You know,
I want to see my own zits.
107
00:03:44,045 --> 00:03:46,212
Like a old thrift store
or something maybe.
108
00:03:46,214 --> 00:03:47,580
No, that's
even too descriptive.
109
00:03:47,582 --> 00:03:49,515
That's too kitschy.
110
00:03:49,517 --> 00:03:51,651
It should just be like part
of an airport that you ignore.
111
00:03:51,653 --> 00:03:53,386
Think of hanging out
inside a vending machine.
112
00:03:53,388 --> 00:03:54,821
- A cell phone store or a...
- Mm-hmm.
113
00:03:54,823 --> 00:03:56,389
Batteries Plus.
114
00:03:56,391 --> 00:03:57,657
That's kind of depressing,
though.
115
00:03:57,659 --> 00:03:58,925
Nope, nope.
116
00:03:58,927 --> 00:04:00,693
- Also, this is a vape store.
- Yeah.
117
00:04:00,695 --> 00:04:03,062
So we want a carpeting
that's going to absorb--
118
00:04:03,064 --> 00:04:04,330
and I don't mean mask--
119
00:04:04,332 --> 00:04:06,165
but literally
just absorb the odor
120
00:04:06,167 --> 00:04:09,068
so that when people come in
here, they're just overwhelmed.
121
00:04:09,070 --> 00:04:10,503
Okay, you want it
to be pungent.
122
00:04:10,505 --> 00:04:12,338
- Jaundice.
- You know, sickly, vomitus.
123
00:04:12,340 --> 00:04:13,706
- Just...
- The taste of bile.
124
00:04:13,708 --> 00:04:15,341
You want it to smell
like old bubble gum.
125
00:04:15,343 --> 00:04:16,843
Yeah, have you ever huffed
an Air Wick?
126
00:04:16,845 --> 00:04:18,544
No.
127
00:04:18,546 --> 00:04:19,912
Make sure your bathroom
really has got a toilet
128
00:04:19,914 --> 00:04:22,015
that's way too high
and kind of big.
129
00:04:22,017 --> 00:04:24,684
Also, two plungers.
Two plungers says it all.
130
00:04:24,686 --> 00:04:26,219
And, uh-- and, you're
gonna be working here?
131
00:04:26,221 --> 00:04:27,887
Yeah, I think so.
132
00:04:27,889 --> 00:04:29,589
I mean, I don't have a job,
but it's my shop.
133
00:04:29,591 --> 00:04:32,759
Hey, do you think
we'll get to meet Louis CK?
134
00:04:32,761 --> 00:04:35,028
- I hope so.
- His show is so funny.
135
00:04:35,030 --> 00:04:36,796
He performs in it;
he directs it.
136
00:04:36,798 --> 00:04:38,931
What most people don't know
is, he edits it.
137
00:04:38,933 --> 00:04:41,634
- I know that.
- Editing is the key to so much.
138
00:04:41,636 --> 00:04:43,302
I know what editing is.
139
00:04:43,304 --> 00:04:44,637
'Cause he used to do
a three-camera for HBO.
140
00:04:44,639 --> 00:04:46,606
- "Lucky Louie."
- Yes.
141
00:04:46,608 --> 00:04:48,441
You're starting to be a little
bit of a comedy nerd like me.
142
00:04:48,443 --> 00:04:50,209
But, like, "I Love Lucy," for
example, is a three-camera.
143
00:04:50,211 --> 00:04:51,444
That's one of the first ones.
144
00:04:51,446 --> 00:04:53,112
I've heard you
do this on dates.
145
00:04:53,114 --> 00:04:55,048
- Do not explain this stuff to me.
- Thank you. Thank you.
146
00:04:55,050 --> 00:04:56,916
- Oh, This is what editing is.
- Okay, well, you know.
147
00:04:56,918 --> 00:04:57,950
- Hey!
- I do.
148
00:04:57,952 --> 00:04:59,385
- Hi.
- What's up, you guys?
149
00:04:59,387 --> 00:05:02,321
If you guys are free tomorrow,
come to our grand opening.
150
00:05:02,323 --> 00:05:03,389
You guys
have a business?
151
00:05:03,391 --> 00:05:04,624
Yeah, we got
our own store now.
152
00:05:04,626 --> 00:05:05,925
- Yep.
- Oh, my gosh.
153
00:05:05,927 --> 00:05:08,327
Maybe you guys can judge
the plume contest.
154
00:05:08,329 --> 00:05:09,595
And was it it?
155
00:05:09,597 --> 00:05:10,963
They blow, like,
these beautiful...
156
00:05:10,965 --> 00:05:12,732
[gags]
Smoke hearts
157
00:05:12,734 --> 00:05:14,634
and squares
with their mouths.
158
00:05:14,636 --> 00:05:15,935
- It's great.
- Me and Carrie'll do it.
159
00:05:15,937 --> 00:05:16,903
- When is it?
- Yeah!
160
00:05:16,905 --> 00:05:18,137
5:00 PM.
161
00:05:18,139 --> 00:05:19,806
5:00 PM.
We'll be there.
162
00:05:19,808 --> 00:05:21,674
- Don't flake out.
- I have not committed, but...
163
00:05:21,676 --> 00:05:23,076
- I'm committing both of us.
- Okay.
164
00:05:23,078 --> 00:05:24,343
- We're committing.
- Okay. Okay.
165
00:05:24,345 --> 00:05:25,611
Bye, guys.
166
00:05:25,613 --> 00:05:26,913
- What luck.
- All right.
167
00:05:26,915 --> 00:05:29,415
- A vape shop?
- Oh, "Vape My Day."
168
00:05:29,417 --> 00:05:31,451
I am not going to a vape shop.
Honestly, it just looks bad--
169
00:05:31,453 --> 00:05:32,852
Ladies
and gentlemen,
170
00:05:32,854 --> 00:05:34,687
unfortunately Louis CK
is not performing tonight
171
00:05:34,689 --> 00:05:36,322
due to a family emergency.
172
00:05:36,324 --> 00:05:37,790
We can't hear you back here.
What happened?
173
00:05:37,792 --> 00:05:39,425
There's been
a family emergency.
174
00:05:39,427 --> 00:05:40,827
Louis CK is not performing.
175
00:05:40,829 --> 00:05:42,361
Is the show canceled?
176
00:05:42,363 --> 00:05:44,297
No, it's been canceled,
absolutely.
177
00:05:44,299 --> 00:05:45,998
No, it's been-- is it
canceled or not canceled?
178
00:05:46,000 --> 00:05:47,667
It's been canceled.
It's been canceled.
179
00:05:47,669 --> 00:05:49,035
And what are the chances
the show will be, uh,
180
00:05:49,037 --> 00:05:50,970
back on for tomorrow night?
181
00:05:50,972 --> 00:05:53,139
I have no more details
at this time.
182
00:05:53,141 --> 00:05:54,841
How did you find out?
183
00:05:54,843 --> 00:05:56,676
I'm sorry. That's
the only details I can give you.
184
00:05:56,678 --> 00:05:59,045
- But who gave you the details?
- I am only the messenger.
185
00:05:59,047 --> 00:06:00,613
I know, but someone
gave you the message.
186
00:06:00,615 --> 00:06:03,116
- Okay, okay.
- Sorry, sir.
187
00:06:03,118 --> 00:06:04,684
All right.
188
00:06:04,686 --> 00:06:06,786
That's too bad.
You really are a big fan.
189
00:06:06,788 --> 00:06:08,321
Yeah, I'm a comedy guy.
190
00:06:10,049 --> 00:06:11,515
[upbeat music]
191
00:06:11,517 --> 00:06:13,283
Oh, well.
We can always just try...
192
00:06:13,285 --> 00:06:14,518
- Kind of a drag, but...
- Yeah.
193
00:06:14,520 --> 00:06:16,453
Hey, Fred.
Hey, Carrie.
194
00:06:16,455 --> 00:06:17,654
What are you doing
with our toilet?
195
00:06:17,656 --> 00:06:19,689
Uh, yeah, it's busted.
196
00:06:19,691 --> 00:06:21,324
How do you know?
197
00:06:21,326 --> 00:06:23,427
I, you know, stopped by
to use your bathroom
198
00:06:23,429 --> 00:06:26,596
while I was doing my, you know,
regular landlord check-in.
199
00:06:26,598 --> 00:06:29,132
- Landlord check-in?
- Being responsible, yes.
200
00:06:29,134 --> 00:06:31,334
Is that something
that's even allowed?
201
00:06:31,336 --> 00:06:33,136
Landlord rights,
I'm sorry.
202
00:06:33,138 --> 00:06:35,272
Portland has some of the
strictest in the country.
203
00:06:35,274 --> 00:06:36,706
Let me ask you something.
204
00:06:36,708 --> 00:06:38,175
Are you flushing toilet paper
down the toilet?
205
00:06:38,177 --> 00:06:39,843
Yes, is that
a problem?
206
00:06:39,845 --> 00:06:41,278
That's-- well, yeah.
207
00:06:41,280 --> 00:06:42,612
I mean, you should really
go paperless.
208
00:06:42,614 --> 00:06:43,980
This is a very old house.
209
00:06:43,982 --> 00:06:45,882
1800s, it was built,
and the pipes--
210
00:06:45,884 --> 00:06:48,552
they're just not made
for the super poops of today.
211
00:06:48,554 --> 00:06:50,854
I mean, back then, everybody
ate flapjacks and radishes.
212
00:06:50,856 --> 00:06:52,322
Not like today where--
what do you eat?
213
00:06:52,324 --> 00:06:54,491
Like, quinoa and tofurt,
and that stuff?
214
00:06:54,493 --> 00:06:55,792
That's-- that's heavy.
215
00:06:55,794 --> 00:06:57,894
Uh, when are you
gonna fix it?
216
00:06:57,896 --> 00:06:59,996
Tomorrow afternoon,
probably.
217
00:06:59,998 --> 00:07:01,832
Well, what are we
supposed to do until then?
218
00:07:01,834 --> 00:07:02,966
I'm gonna do something
for you.
219
00:07:02,968 --> 00:07:04,167
- But you got to promise--
- Ah!
220
00:07:04,169 --> 00:07:05,168
Oh, oh, jeez,
I'm sorry.
221
00:07:05,170 --> 00:07:06,470
- Milton, this is...
- Ew.
222
00:07:06,472 --> 00:07:07,971
Can you just hold this
for a second?
223
00:07:07,973 --> 00:07:09,506
Disgusting,
and this is your house, okay?
224
00:07:09,508 --> 00:07:11,241
Yes, well, look.
I'm helping you out.
225
00:07:11,243 --> 00:07:12,843
This is my personal list
226
00:07:12,845 --> 00:07:14,678
of the coffee shops
in the neighborhood.
227
00:07:14,680 --> 00:07:16,980
And these are the bathroom codes
to every one.
228
00:07:16,982 --> 00:07:18,815
Well, it's very big of you
to give us your list.
229
00:07:18,817 --> 00:07:20,383
No problem.
I want that back, though.
230
00:07:20,385 --> 00:07:22,419
Well, this is kind of
turning out to be a crappy day.
231
00:07:22,421 --> 00:07:24,254
You know, it's, like,
Louis CK cancels,
232
00:07:24,256 --> 00:07:25,822
family emergency,
and now this.
233
00:07:25,824 --> 00:07:27,691
- [laughs]
- What's funny about it?
234
00:07:27,693 --> 00:07:29,259
What did you say?
"Family emergency"?
235
00:07:29,261 --> 00:07:30,727
Yeah, Louis CK
canceled a show.
236
00:07:30,729 --> 00:07:33,497
- He has a family emergency.
- Oh.
237
00:07:33,499 --> 00:07:35,065
- Oh, yeah.
- No, he doesn't.
238
00:07:35,067 --> 00:07:36,366
People just say that
to get out
239
00:07:36,368 --> 00:07:37,901
of stuff they want
to get out of.
240
00:07:37,903 --> 00:07:40,403
You don't cancel a whole show.
It seems serious.
241
00:07:40,405 --> 00:07:42,539
If you had to cancel
something big, right,
242
00:07:42,541 --> 00:07:45,041
and you just had to get out
of it, that's what you say.
243
00:07:45,043 --> 00:07:47,110
Then nobody will ask you,
"Oh, what happened?"
244
00:07:47,112 --> 00:07:48,578
They just go,
"Oh, oh, oh."
245
00:07:48,580 --> 00:07:50,280
- We'd like our toilet back.
- Yes.
246
00:07:50,282 --> 00:07:51,381
I would like
your toilet back too.
247
00:07:51,383 --> 00:07:52,415
- Okay.
- Can you get the door?
248
00:07:52,417 --> 00:07:53,683
Yes.
249
00:07:55,763 --> 00:07:56,762
[toilet flushes]
250
00:07:56,764 --> 00:07:59,632
[knocks]
251
00:07:59,634 --> 00:08:01,734
I hope Milton
fixes our bathroom soon.
252
00:08:01,736 --> 00:08:02,801
What is going on?
253
00:08:02,803 --> 00:08:05,304
Um, behind you, 11:00.
254
00:08:05,306 --> 00:08:07,206
There's someone here
you might recognize.
255
00:08:07,208 --> 00:08:10,142
[laughs]
Oh, my God.
256
00:08:10,144 --> 00:08:11,443
- Is that Louis?
- That's Louis.
257
00:08:11,445 --> 00:08:13,078
That's so weird.
258
00:08:13,080 --> 00:08:14,880
It seems like he's
in no rush to get anywhere.
259
00:08:14,882 --> 00:08:16,115
Everything's
been great.
260
00:08:16,117 --> 00:08:17,716
He seems happy.
261
00:08:17,718 --> 00:08:18,984
I thought he had
a family emergency.
262
00:08:18,986 --> 00:08:20,419
I thought he was gonna go
out of town.
263
00:08:20,421 --> 00:08:21,720
I can't think
of any bad things recently.
264
00:08:21,722 --> 00:08:22,922
I'm gonna do
a quick picture.
265
00:08:22,924 --> 00:08:24,557
- Okay.
- [murmurs indistinctly]
266
00:08:24,559 --> 00:08:27,493
[upbeat drum music]
267
00:08:27,495 --> 00:08:29,995
- That's hilarious.
- Excuse us.
268
00:08:29,997 --> 00:08:31,463
- Hi.
- Sorry to interrupt.
269
00:08:31,465 --> 00:08:33,499
- I'm-- I'm Carrie.
- I'm Fred.
270
00:08:33,501 --> 00:08:35,267
- Are you Louis?
- Yep, yeah.
271
00:08:35,269 --> 00:08:36,969
- We're huge fans.
- Thanks, guys.
272
00:08:36,971 --> 00:08:38,737
- Great to meet you.
- We're, like, comedy nerds.
273
00:08:38,739 --> 00:08:40,573
- We're, like, really into comedy.
- Hey, uh, Cindy.
274
00:08:40,575 --> 00:08:41,807
Can I call you back?
275
00:08:41,809 --> 00:08:42,975
No, you didn't
have to do that.
276
00:08:42,977 --> 00:08:44,343
Well, now I already--
277
00:08:44,345 --> 00:08:46,011
We didn't want
to interrupt anything.
278
00:08:46,013 --> 00:08:47,646
Yeah, we just wanted
to give you our condolences.
279
00:08:47,648 --> 00:08:49,648
We went to your show.
We paid for tickets.
280
00:08:49,650 --> 00:08:51,417
And then there was
a family emergency, so...
281
00:08:51,419 --> 00:08:53,986
You could just feel
the sense of sympathy.
282
00:08:53,988 --> 00:08:55,854
Thank you so much,
and I'm sorry about the show,
283
00:08:55,856 --> 00:08:58,657
but it was an unavoidable
family emergency.
284
00:08:58,659 --> 00:09:00,960
- How you doing, buddy?
- I'm fine, thank you.
285
00:09:00,962 --> 00:09:02,928
- Is everything okay?
- Yeah, everything's fine.
286
00:09:02,930 --> 00:09:05,364
Was it a hospital or a funeral
home that you had to go to?
287
00:09:05,366 --> 00:09:07,466
That's all I can say
at this time.
288
00:09:07,468 --> 00:09:09,501
If it's a family emergency,
why aren't you at the location?
289
00:09:09,503 --> 00:09:12,838
- Because I have to be here.
- You let us all down yesterday.
290
00:09:12,840 --> 00:09:15,608
- When you canceled your show.
- It's not me that let you down.
291
00:09:15,610 --> 00:09:17,309
Oh, so you're throwing your
family under the bus a little.
292
00:09:17,311 --> 00:09:19,345
They let us down.
293
00:09:19,347 --> 00:09:21,380
Well, they're the ones who
didn't look after the... baby.
294
00:09:21,382 --> 00:09:22,881
Ah, so there's a baby,
295
00:09:22,883 --> 00:09:23,949
and this is why
it's so embarrassing.
296
00:09:23,951 --> 00:09:26,652
It's-- is it your baby?
297
00:09:26,654 --> 00:09:28,954
Is this baby okay?
Is this baby alive?
298
00:09:28,956 --> 00:09:31,290
- Almost.
- You're baby's almost alive.
299
00:09:31,292 --> 00:09:32,958
- Yeah.
- Here's the thing.
300
00:09:32,960 --> 00:09:34,360
I think most people assumed
you wouldn't be here
301
00:09:34,362 --> 00:09:35,494
because you canceled a show.
302
00:09:35,496 --> 00:09:36,829
And here you are in Portland...
303
00:09:36,831 --> 00:09:38,130
- Yeah, okay.
- In a coffee shop--
304
00:09:38,132 --> 00:09:39,298
And most people
don't know that.
305
00:09:39,300 --> 00:09:40,633
You guys know it.
You just keep it--
306
00:09:40,635 --> 00:09:41,700
You don't have
to worry about it, right?
307
00:09:41,702 --> 00:09:43,002
Well, we took a picture.
308
00:09:43,004 --> 00:09:44,136
Fred took a picture
on his phone.
309
00:09:44,138 --> 00:09:45,638
Why'd you do that?
310
00:09:45,640 --> 00:09:47,740
That's all we can say
at this time.
311
00:09:47,742 --> 00:09:50,476
Okay, why don't you guys
have a seat?
312
00:09:50,478 --> 00:09:54,046
I think we all know that I
did not have a family emergency.
313
00:09:54,048 --> 00:09:55,347
I knew it.
314
00:09:55,349 --> 00:09:56,749
Yeah, we were starting
to suspect that.
315
00:09:56,751 --> 00:09:58,350
Yeah, okay, very good.
316
00:09:58,352 --> 00:10:02,187
The truth is, I was bidding
on a vintage camera on eBay,
317
00:10:02,189 --> 00:10:04,256
and the auction was gonna end
right during the show,
318
00:10:04,258 --> 00:10:05,524
so that's why I made up
319
00:10:05,526 --> 00:10:07,326
the family emergency thing,
so that--
320
00:10:07,328 --> 00:10:09,395
Couldn't a-- an assistant
have done that for you?
321
00:10:09,397 --> 00:10:11,096
It's that feeling, you know,
on eBay when you get the,
322
00:10:11,098 --> 00:10:12,898
"Eh, I got it, I got it,
I got it."
323
00:10:12,900 --> 00:10:14,767
I wanted to, like, live that.
That's a really big deal to me.
324
00:10:14,769 --> 00:10:16,535
Wow, you shouldn't be so
cavalier with your audience.
325
00:10:16,537 --> 00:10:18,103
To say a family emergency?
326
00:10:18,105 --> 00:10:19,738
Well, but the thing about
saying "family emergency" is
327
00:10:19,740 --> 00:10:21,106
that nobody asks questions,
328
00:10:21,108 --> 00:10:22,341
'cause it's like, "Uhh,"
you know?
329
00:10:22,343 --> 00:10:23,676
- Right.
- Did you get the camera?
330
00:10:23,678 --> 00:10:25,244
Yeah, and then the guy
who's selling it
331
00:10:25,246 --> 00:10:27,246
is right here in Portland,
so it's, like, perfect.
332
00:10:27,248 --> 00:10:28,747
It's a small town, Portland.
333
00:10:28,749 --> 00:10:30,416
And I'm not one of those
jerks who's like,
334
00:10:30,418 --> 00:10:32,384
"I'm gonna go online
and tell everybody."
335
00:10:32,386 --> 00:10:34,787
I can't lose the FFE thing,
the Fake Family Emergency thing.
336
00:10:34,789 --> 00:10:37,222
It's a big deal in my life.
I use it for a lot of things.
337
00:10:37,224 --> 00:10:38,424
Here's the thing.
338
00:10:38,426 --> 00:10:39,858
We just want to hang out
with you.
339
00:10:39,860 --> 00:10:41,727
If you promise
to have dinner with us,
340
00:10:41,729 --> 00:10:43,262
we will never tell anyone
341
00:10:43,264 --> 00:10:45,931
about your whole fake
family emergency thing.
342
00:10:45,933 --> 00:10:47,299
I got to be honest
with you guys.
343
00:10:47,301 --> 00:10:48,734
I really don't want
to hang out with you.
344
00:10:48,736 --> 00:10:50,369
It's gonna be kind of
like a chore for me,
345
00:10:50,371 --> 00:10:51,804
but I'm willing to do it
if you don't tell people
346
00:10:51,806 --> 00:10:53,372
about my fake family emergency,
which I depend on.
347
00:10:53,374 --> 00:10:55,107
- That's great.
- That's a deal.
348
00:10:55,109 --> 00:10:57,076
- Okay? Is that good? Okay.
- That's great, yeah.
349
00:10:57,078 --> 00:10:58,944
Uh, uh, everyone, hello?
350
00:10:58,946 --> 00:11:03,582
Uh, welcome to the grand opening
of Vape My Day.
351
00:11:03,584 --> 00:11:05,818
- [cheers and applause]
- All right.
352
00:11:05,820 --> 00:11:09,621
Before we have some fun
sucking up these dope flavors...
353
00:11:09,623 --> 00:11:11,123
[cheers and applause]
354
00:11:11,125 --> 00:11:13,659
I just want to thank
my wife, Kristine,
355
00:11:13,661 --> 00:11:15,327
for making all this possible.
356
00:11:15,329 --> 00:11:17,096
[cheers and applause]
357
00:11:17,098 --> 00:11:21,800
And my nephew Andy for putting
this dream team together.
358
00:11:21,802 --> 00:11:24,103
- [cheers and applause]
- All right.
359
00:11:24,105 --> 00:11:26,138
Okay, have some fun.
360
00:11:26,140 --> 00:11:30,309
Oh, uh, and don't forget to
sign up for the plume contest.
361
00:11:30,311 --> 00:11:31,677
- Gonna be great.
- Right.
362
00:11:31,679 --> 00:11:32,678
[applause]
363
00:11:32,680 --> 00:11:34,346
[quirky music]
364
00:11:34,348 --> 00:11:36,181
Okay, so let's go home,
get ready for dinner,
365
00:11:36,183 --> 00:11:38,183
and then, um, I guess
we'll just kind of
366
00:11:38,185 --> 00:11:39,451
blow off the vape thing,
right?
367
00:11:39,453 --> 00:11:40,652
Ebbe and Kristine?
368
00:11:40,654 --> 00:11:42,020
I don't know
if we can do that.
369
00:11:42,022 --> 00:11:43,822
You promised we'd judge
the plume contest.
370
00:11:43,824 --> 00:11:45,457
When is the next time
we're gonna have the opportunity
371
00:11:45,459 --> 00:11:46,925
to blackmail Louis CK
into dinner?
372
00:11:46,927 --> 00:11:48,927
We cannot tell them
that we got a better offer.
373
00:11:48,929 --> 00:11:50,262
I don't know
what we're gonna do.
374
00:11:50,264 --> 00:11:52,664
- Me neither.
- [sighs]
375
00:11:52,666 --> 00:11:54,767
[gasps]
I know what we can say.
376
00:11:54,769 --> 00:11:56,168
[cell phone chimes]
377
00:11:56,170 --> 00:11:57,970
- Um, honey.
- What?
378
00:11:57,972 --> 00:12:00,139
Oh, Fred and Carrie
can't come.
379
00:12:00,141 --> 00:12:02,307
They had a family emergency.
380
00:12:02,309 --> 00:12:04,543
- Oh, that sounds serious.
- That sucks.
381
00:12:04,545 --> 00:12:06,211
They're probably
identifying a body
382
00:12:06,213 --> 00:12:08,113
or dental records right now.
383
00:12:08,115 --> 00:12:09,982
Or maybe they had
a car accident.
384
00:12:09,984 --> 00:12:12,151
Or they're at a ranch and
a horse bucked somebody off.
385
00:12:12,153 --> 00:12:13,652
Oh, my gosh.
All right.
386
00:12:13,654 --> 00:12:15,954
- We got to take care of this.
- [techno music]
387
00:12:15,956 --> 00:12:17,356
Excuse--
Hello, hello?
388
00:12:17,358 --> 00:12:18,824
- Excuse me, everybody.
- [music stops]
389
00:12:18,826 --> 00:12:23,362
Um, our dear friends,
Fred and Carrie,
390
00:12:23,364 --> 00:12:27,733
they were supposed to be here
tonight to judge our contest,
391
00:12:27,735 --> 00:12:29,668
but they cannot be here,
392
00:12:29,670 --> 00:12:31,470
due to a family emergency.
393
00:12:31,472 --> 00:12:33,906
I don't think I need to tell you
what that means.
394
00:12:33,908 --> 00:12:35,841
So in their honor,
395
00:12:35,843 --> 00:12:40,412
I would appreciate it if we all
had a plume of silence.
396
00:12:40,414 --> 00:12:42,047
[solemn music]
397
00:12:42,049 --> 00:12:44,316
[all inhaling]
398
00:12:44,318 --> 00:12:46,318
399
00:12:46,320 --> 00:12:48,487
[all exhaling]
400
00:12:48,489 --> 00:12:51,490
[coughing softly]
401
00:12:51,492 --> 00:12:54,493
[coughing]
402
00:12:56,530 --> 00:12:57,596
- [cell phone chimes]
- Oh, look.
403
00:12:57,598 --> 00:12:58,931
They texted back already.
404
00:12:58,933 --> 00:13:01,333
"Our prayers are with you."
Whoa.
405
00:13:01,335 --> 00:13:02,868
- They bought it.
- It totally worked.
406
00:13:02,870 --> 00:13:04,503
We're free.
407
00:13:04,505 --> 00:13:06,238
And also their prayers
will go into our nice night.
408
00:13:06,240 --> 00:13:08,173
Like, we'll have a good dinner
with Louis.
409
00:13:08,175 --> 00:13:09,608
It's so funny
I'm calling him Louis now.
410
00:13:09,610 --> 00:13:11,043
What are we gonna talk
to him about?
411
00:13:11,045 --> 00:13:12,678
I'm doing relationship stuff.
412
00:13:12,680 --> 00:13:14,313
You're gonna talk to him
about your personal life?
413
00:13:14,315 --> 00:13:15,380
Carrie, you want
to be vulnerable
414
00:13:15,382 --> 00:13:16,915
in front of comedians.
415
00:13:16,917 --> 00:13:19,418
You want to be, like, "Yeah,
I find my own body ugly.
416
00:13:19,420 --> 00:13:21,353
Right?"
417
00:13:21,355 --> 00:13:22,788
I think that'll be
a good starter.
418
00:13:22,790 --> 00:13:24,790
Write that down.
419
00:13:24,792 --> 00:13:27,793
[quirky music]
420
00:13:27,795 --> 00:13:30,762
421
00:13:30,764 --> 00:13:33,966
[electronic chime]
422
00:13:33,968 --> 00:13:35,234
[muffled]
Hey, Smitty.
423
00:13:35,236 --> 00:13:36,802
[country music]
424
00:13:36,804 --> 00:13:38,937
- How you doing?
- Good.
425
00:13:38,939 --> 00:13:41,874
Listen, last time I was in here,
I remember seeing a potty.
426
00:13:41,876 --> 00:13:43,442
Uh, is it still for sale?
427
00:13:43,444 --> 00:13:45,310
- [button clicks]
- You mean that potty?
428
00:13:45,312 --> 00:13:46,712
[button clicks]
429
00:13:46,714 --> 00:13:49,248
Oh, yeah, that green one.
That's it.
430
00:13:49,250 --> 00:13:50,816
Well, everything's for sale.
431
00:13:50,818 --> 00:13:53,952
- For a price.
- Hey, how about if I swap you?
432
00:13:53,954 --> 00:13:56,655
My potty for your potty.
433
00:13:56,657 --> 00:13:59,324
What kind of potty?
434
00:13:59,326 --> 00:14:00,893
A broken potty.
435
00:14:00,895 --> 00:14:03,896
[tense music]
436
00:14:03,898 --> 00:14:06,798
437
00:14:06,800 --> 00:14:08,734
[country music]
438
00:14:08,736 --> 00:14:10,502
[man singing indistinctly]
439
00:14:10,504 --> 00:14:13,505
- It's, uh...
- [eerie piano flourish]
440
00:14:13,507 --> 00:14:16,742
- No deal.
- Oh, come on!
441
00:14:16,744 --> 00:14:17,843
No.
442
00:14:17,845 --> 00:14:20,245
Smitty.
443
00:14:20,247 --> 00:14:23,248
[suspenseful music]
444
00:14:23,250 --> 00:14:24,683
445
00:14:24,685 --> 00:14:26,685
Stupid toilet.
446
00:14:28,188 --> 00:14:31,657
[tense instrumental music]
447
00:14:31,659 --> 00:14:33,592
448
00:14:33,594 --> 00:14:34,927
Hey, kid, you got a light?
449
00:14:34,929 --> 00:14:36,495
No, I don't need one.
450
00:14:36,497 --> 00:14:39,131
What the hell are you smoking
there, a remote control?
451
00:14:39,133 --> 00:14:41,867
I'm not smoking.
I'm vaping.
452
00:14:41,869 --> 00:14:44,670
- Oh, so that's vaping.
- Yeah, dog.
453
00:14:44,672 --> 00:14:47,940
It's way better than that cancer
stick you're about to light up.
454
00:14:47,942 --> 00:14:49,541
Is it healthier?
455
00:14:49,543 --> 00:14:51,810
Uh, we really
have no idea.
456
00:14:51,812 --> 00:14:53,979
- I like what I'm smelling.
- Oh, yeah?
457
00:14:53,981 --> 00:14:56,114
Follow me.
458
00:14:56,116 --> 00:14:59,384
[jazzy music]
459
00:15:01,908 --> 00:15:04,209
[light instrumental music]
460
00:15:04,211 --> 00:15:06,911
- Thank you.
- Don't you hate waiters?
461
00:15:06,913 --> 00:15:08,713
What?
462
00:15:08,715 --> 00:15:11,583
It's like, what exactly
is your job, sir?
463
00:15:11,585 --> 00:15:13,084
They take your order.
Then they bring you--
464
00:15:13,086 --> 00:15:14,953
Then they bring you food.
465
00:15:14,955 --> 00:15:16,888
I'm the kind of guy-- I like--
I like to mess with people.
466
00:15:16,890 --> 00:15:18,923
So, like, if a waiter
comes in and goes,
467
00:15:18,925 --> 00:15:20,558
"Can I take your order?"
468
00:15:20,560 --> 00:15:21,926
I'll go, like,
"No, I'll take my order.
469
00:15:21,928 --> 00:15:24,295
"You can write down my order,
470
00:15:24,297 --> 00:15:27,899
but you're not taking it, 'cause
I would like to take it to go."
471
00:15:27,901 --> 00:15:29,434
472
00:15:29,436 --> 00:15:30,735
So where are you guys--
you guys
473
00:15:30,737 --> 00:15:32,036
are from Portland,
both of you?
474
00:15:32,038 --> 00:15:35,440
Did you grow up here or...
475
00:15:35,442 --> 00:15:37,542
- Are you from Portland?
- [both laughing]
476
00:15:37,544 --> 00:15:39,110
That's great.
That's great.
477
00:15:39,112 --> 00:15:40,745
I'm just trying
to have a conversation.
478
00:15:40,747 --> 00:15:42,280
I'm asking you,
are you from Portland?
479
00:15:42,282 --> 00:15:46,084
What's usually
the punch line?
480
00:15:46,086 --> 00:15:47,452
The punch line is usually
that you tell me.
481
00:15:47,454 --> 00:15:48,953
Uh-huh.
482
00:15:48,955 --> 00:15:50,288
Oh, and then you do
a riff on it, so I'll--
483
00:15:50,290 --> 00:15:51,623
Okay, yeah, I get it.
484
00:15:51,625 --> 00:15:52,957
No, you tell me
where you grew up,
485
00:15:52,959 --> 00:15:54,993
and then we make connections
as human beings.
486
00:15:54,995 --> 00:15:56,294
- That's one option.
- Right.
487
00:15:56,296 --> 00:15:58,496
That's great.
488
00:15:58,498 --> 00:16:00,131
- Oh, it just--
- That is great.
489
00:16:00,133 --> 00:16:01,933
both: Can we just talk
like human beings?
490
00:16:01,935 --> 00:16:03,468
Apparently you can't talk
like human beings.
491
00:16:03,470 --> 00:16:04,802
- Well, I'll tell you what.
- What?
492
00:16:04,804 --> 00:16:06,104
You want to talk real?
493
00:16:06,106 --> 00:16:08,072
Where are the piano teachers?
494
00:16:08,074 --> 00:16:09,440
What?
495
00:16:09,442 --> 00:16:10,909
Where are
the damn piano teachers?
496
00:16:10,911 --> 00:16:12,410
You know,
when you're a kid--
497
00:16:12,412 --> 00:16:13,811
Is this like trying
to be a comedy bit?
498
00:16:13,813 --> 00:16:15,613
- Yeah.
- Okay, go ahead.
499
00:16:15,615 --> 00:16:17,682
Let me hear the "where did
the piano teachers go" bit.
500
00:16:17,684 --> 00:16:19,651
Well, when you're a kid,
you got your baseball coach,
501
00:16:19,653 --> 00:16:21,419
you got your football,
and it's a piano teacher,
502
00:16:21,421 --> 00:16:23,421
you know,
damn pain in the neck.
503
00:16:23,423 --> 00:16:25,423
You got to go take
your piano lessons.
504
00:16:25,425 --> 00:16:27,625
- Where are the piano teachers?
- Here's the thing.
505
00:16:27,627 --> 00:16:29,661
The point of comedy is, you ask
a question that people go,
506
00:16:29,663 --> 00:16:31,262
"Yeah, I'm not sure
about that."
507
00:16:31,264 --> 00:16:33,164
- You know, I--
- You can't just ask a question.
508
00:16:33,166 --> 00:16:34,632
- No, I--
- How long--
509
00:16:34,634 --> 00:16:36,467
How long is a meter
compared to a yard?
510
00:16:36,469 --> 00:16:38,169
That's not a joke.
511
00:16:38,171 --> 00:16:39,671
But you can-- there's a way
you can perform it
512
00:16:39,673 --> 00:16:41,206
where it becomes funny.
513
00:16:41,208 --> 00:16:42,707
Let me see you
make that funny.
514
00:16:42,709 --> 00:16:45,443
All right, where are
the damn piano teachers?
515
00:16:45,445 --> 00:16:47,178
Look, guys,
I've had a long day,
516
00:16:47,180 --> 00:16:48,947
and I really would like to
just power through dinner, okay?
517
00:16:48,949 --> 00:16:51,749
Society's like that now.
We power through meals.
518
00:16:51,751 --> 00:16:53,885
We power through relationships.
519
00:16:53,887 --> 00:16:55,386
Also, where do people
get "powwow" from?
520
00:16:55,388 --> 00:16:57,522
- I'm being serious.
- [cell phone buzzes]
521
00:16:57,524 --> 00:16:59,557
You know, it's like, "Do I
say 'moo-moo' or 'blah-blah'?"
522
00:16:59,559 --> 00:17:01,559
It's like these made-up words
that we somehow--
523
00:17:01,561 --> 00:17:03,995
Uh, okay, I got to pick up
that camera I won on eBay.
524
00:17:03,997 --> 00:17:05,296
Could you guys give me a--
give me a ride?
525
00:17:05,298 --> 00:17:06,698
both: - Yeah.
- That would be great.
526
00:17:06,700 --> 00:17:07,999
- Of course.
- Can we have the check, please?
527
00:17:08,001 --> 00:17:09,534
So soon?
528
00:17:09,536 --> 00:17:11,169
Yeah, let's hang out
for a little bit.
529
00:17:11,171 --> 00:17:12,870
- Yeah, no, let's go.
- We'll take you there.
530
00:17:12,872 --> 00:17:14,138
- No, let's go.
- No, let's wait for a second.
531
00:17:14,140 --> 00:17:16,541
I'm not done eating.
532
00:17:16,543 --> 00:17:18,243
The whole damn world
is in a rush.
533
00:17:18,245 --> 00:17:20,011
Where's everyone going?
534
00:17:20,013 --> 00:17:21,813
And also, what happened to
people looking at their watches?
535
00:17:21,815 --> 00:17:23,748
You're all looking
at your phones.
536
00:17:23,750 --> 00:17:26,417
It is just-- I'm serious.
537
00:17:26,419 --> 00:17:28,720
Now, what flavor
am I sucking on?
538
00:17:28,722 --> 00:17:30,888
- Ripe cherry.
- Ah.
539
00:17:30,890 --> 00:17:33,091
You ought to try the pesto.
That's my favorite.
540
00:17:33,093 --> 00:17:35,493
- Pesto.
- Try the rye bread.
541
00:17:35,495 --> 00:17:37,495
Rye bread?
I'm getting hungry.
542
00:17:37,497 --> 00:17:40,698
- Yeah.
- [all laughing]
543
00:17:40,700 --> 00:17:42,367
Let me ask you
a question, though.
544
00:17:42,369 --> 00:17:44,402
How come you got seats reserved
for Fred and Carrie?
545
00:17:44,404 --> 00:17:45,837
- They were supposed to be here.
- Yeah.
546
00:17:45,839 --> 00:17:47,505
But they had
a family emergency.
547
00:17:47,507 --> 00:17:48,906
- Yeah.
- Huh.
548
00:17:48,908 --> 00:17:50,041
Yeah.
549
00:17:50,043 --> 00:17:52,543
[laughing]
550
00:17:52,545 --> 00:17:54,445
Okay, yeah.
Oh, that's a good one.
551
00:17:54,447 --> 00:17:55,880
Hey, that's not funny.
552
00:17:55,882 --> 00:17:57,515
- That's serious.
- [scoffs]
553
00:17:57,517 --> 00:17:59,450
They don't have
a family emergency.
554
00:17:59,452 --> 00:18:01,119
That's what you say if you want
to get out of something
555
00:18:01,121 --> 00:18:02,720
and you don't want
to explain yourself.
556
00:18:02,722 --> 00:18:04,522
Well, if they didn't
have a family emergency
557
00:18:04,524 --> 00:18:07,392
and they're not at our grand
opening, then where are they?
558
00:18:07,394 --> 00:18:09,127
If murder was legal,
559
00:18:09,129 --> 00:18:10,862
I might've killed
a few people.
560
00:18:10,864 --> 00:18:13,398
- [laughter]
- I don't know.
561
00:18:13,400 --> 00:18:14,732
You know, guys,
could you turn that off?
562
00:18:14,734 --> 00:18:16,301
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.
563
00:18:16,303 --> 00:18:18,202
- But we really need the law...
- Ah, sure.
564
00:18:18,204 --> 00:18:19,404
- Against murder.
- Thank you.
565
00:18:19,406 --> 00:18:20,805
So do that joke again.
566
00:18:20,807 --> 00:18:24,575
What was the, um--
the one we just heard?
567
00:18:24,577 --> 00:18:25,910
I mean,
it's not something
568
00:18:25,912 --> 00:18:28,112
I can just turn on and do,
you know?
569
00:18:28,114 --> 00:18:31,249
It's like, what if I asked you,
like, sing, uh...
570
00:18:31,251 --> 00:18:33,584
you know, sing
the national anthem right now?
571
00:18:33,586 --> 00:18:35,653
- Okay.
both: -
oh-oh, say
572
00:18:35,655 --> 00:18:38,122
can you see
by the dawn's
573
00:18:38,124 --> 00:18:39,557
Do you want to hear
the whole thing?
574
00:18:39,559 --> 00:18:41,292
They're not having
a family emergency?
575
00:18:41,294 --> 00:18:43,628
No, no, I know for a fact.
I'm their landlord.
576
00:18:43,630 --> 00:18:46,164
They said nothing about coming
to the opening of a vape show.
577
00:18:46,166 --> 00:18:48,533
- You mean they blew us off?
- I'm sorry.
578
00:18:48,535 --> 00:18:51,269
- But they love massive plumes.
- Do they?
579
00:18:51,271 --> 00:18:52,503
- Here's a question.
- What?
580
00:18:52,505 --> 00:18:55,073
Anyone playing
tic-tac-toe anymore?
581
00:18:55,075 --> 00:18:57,108
- I'm serious.
- Hey, I need you to--
582
00:18:57,110 --> 00:18:58,976
I need you to make a left here,
okay?
583
00:18:58,978 --> 00:19:00,244
Hang a Louis?
584
00:19:00,246 --> 00:19:02,647
[turn signal clicking]
585
00:19:02,649 --> 00:19:03,915
That's not funny.
586
00:19:07,296 --> 00:19:09,530
This is where you're
meeting the camera guy?
587
00:19:09,532 --> 00:19:10,998
Yeah, I guess he works
in his vape store.
588
00:19:11,000 --> 00:19:14,301
He's coming out in a minute.
589
00:19:14,303 --> 00:19:15,703
Hi.
Hey, how you doing?
590
00:19:15,705 --> 00:19:18,372
- Louis CK?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
591
00:19:18,374 --> 00:19:20,341
You bought my camera?
592
00:19:20,343 --> 00:19:21,875
I did, yep.
That's right, paid for it.
593
00:19:21,877 --> 00:19:23,510
- We should get out of here.
- Thank you.
594
00:19:23,512 --> 00:19:24,845
- All right, let's go.
- Let's roll out.
595
00:19:24,847 --> 00:19:26,180
- All right, thank you.
- [gasps]
596
00:19:26,182 --> 00:19:28,115
- Wow, Louis CK!
- Look! Look at him!
597
00:19:28,117 --> 00:19:29,516
- Hi, how are you?
- Oh, my God.
598
00:19:29,518 --> 00:19:30,851
- How are you? Hi.
- Bought your camera.
599
00:19:30,853 --> 00:19:32,219
- Fred and Carrie.
- Ah.
600
00:19:32,221 --> 00:19:33,854
- Hi.
- Oh, amazing you're here.
601
00:19:33,856 --> 00:19:35,956
- It is amazing.
- How is your family?
602
00:19:35,958 --> 00:19:37,992
Thank you for asking.
They're-- they're doing better.
603
00:19:37,994 --> 00:19:39,493
- Quite an emergency, I see.
- Yeah.
604
00:19:39,495 --> 00:19:40,861
- But how about that camera?
- Yeah, whoo.
605
00:19:40,863 --> 00:19:42,630
No, no, no.
Come on now.
606
00:19:42,632 --> 00:19:45,833
These two were supposed to judge
our plume contest tonight,
607
00:19:45,835 --> 00:19:47,668
but instead, they told us
they had a family emergency.
608
00:19:47,670 --> 00:19:48,802
- Yeah.
- So they lied to you.
609
00:19:48,804 --> 00:19:50,204
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
610
00:19:50,206 --> 00:19:51,472
They were actually
with you, I guess.
611
00:19:51,474 --> 00:19:52,740
- That's terrible.
- Yes.
612
00:19:52,742 --> 00:19:54,008
You guys,
that's really gross.
613
00:19:54,010 --> 00:19:55,409
I had no idea you were
such awful peop--
614
00:19:55,411 --> 00:19:56,844
what kind of person
would do a thing like that?
615
00:19:56,846 --> 00:19:58,312
I don't know.
616
00:19:58,314 --> 00:19:59,747
Louis, you want to come in
and do a set?
617
00:19:59,749 --> 00:20:00,914
We got a bunch of guys
with nothing to do.
618
00:20:00,916 --> 00:20:02,016
- Sure.
- No, no, no, no, no.
619
00:20:02,018 --> 00:20:03,717
- We have a crappy PA.
- Yeah.
620
00:20:03,719 --> 00:20:05,085
- You don't want to do that.
- Ah, I don't care.
621
00:20:05,087 --> 00:20:06,587
It's fine.
I'll do a set anywhere.
622
00:20:06,589 --> 00:20:08,222
- Really?
- I'll tell jokes to anybody.
623
00:20:08,224 --> 00:20:09,523
- Whee. Thank you so much.
- I'm so excited.
624
00:20:09,525 --> 00:20:12,026
- Oh, I love it.
- Oh, jeez.
625
00:20:12,028 --> 00:20:14,395
Um, we're full up in here,
you guys, sorry.
626
00:20:14,397 --> 00:20:16,063
There's room right in there.
We can go in.
627
00:20:16,065 --> 00:20:17,598
No, no, no, no, no,
we're at capacity.
628
00:20:17,600 --> 00:20:19,099
It's just us, though.
629
00:20:19,101 --> 00:20:21,201
That's all we can say
at this time.
630
00:20:21,203 --> 00:20:22,436
- [groans]
- Okay.
631
00:20:22,438 --> 00:20:23,671
- Great, thanks.
- All right, well...
632
00:20:26,008 --> 00:20:27,608
I guess we can watch
through the window.
633
00:20:27,610 --> 00:20:30,744
- Oh, yeah.
- Hey, Fred. Hey, Carrie.
634
00:20:30,746 --> 00:20:32,179
- Hey.
- Hi, Milton.
635
00:20:32,181 --> 00:20:33,547
- Hey, look. I got your toilet.
- [gasps]
636
00:20:33,549 --> 00:20:35,215
You can put it in tonight.
637
00:20:35,217 --> 00:20:37,251
No, its gonna take me
a few more days at least,
638
00:20:37,253 --> 00:20:40,120
but I have some new bathroom
codes for, you know,
639
00:20:40,122 --> 00:20:43,023
the local 7-Elevens,
gas stations, Laundromats.
640
00:20:43,025 --> 00:20:45,859
This is a downgrade.
Some of those aren't even clean.
641
00:20:45,861 --> 00:20:47,094
I'm sorry.
642
00:20:47,096 --> 00:20:48,595
Hey, I got
to get back inside.
643
00:20:48,597 --> 00:20:50,964
Louis CK's about to perform.
644
00:20:50,966 --> 00:20:52,733
And also,
I was at a restaurant,
645
00:20:52,735 --> 00:20:54,601
and I was thinking, you know,
don't you hate waiters?
646
00:20:54,603 --> 00:20:57,137
- [laughter]
- I just hate waiters.
647
00:20:57,139 --> 00:20:58,472
It's like,
what are you giving me?
648
00:20:58,474 --> 00:21:00,074
You're bringing me my food?
649
00:21:00,076 --> 00:21:02,142
Don't take my order.
650
00:21:02,144 --> 00:21:03,744
I'll take my order.
651
00:21:03,746 --> 00:21:04,745
[laughter]
652
00:21:04,747 --> 00:21:06,080
And what's up with--
653
00:21:06,082 --> 00:21:08,382
There used to be
so many piano teachers.
654
00:21:08,384 --> 00:21:09,917
- [laughter and cheers]
- Right?
655
00:21:09,919 --> 00:21:11,652
- It's true! It's true, yeah!
- Right?
656
00:21:11,654 --> 00:21:15,298
I mean, it used to be like,
"Piano teacher, what's up?".
657
00:21:15,299 --> 00:21:16,606
Now it's like--
658
00:21:16,607 --> 00:21:18,985
Where are all the
piano teachers?
659
00:21:18,986 --> 00:21:21,165
I mean, it blows my mind.
660
00:21:21,166 --> 00:21:23,015
They're gone.
661
00:21:23,016 --> 00:21:24,865
I'm serious.
662
00:21:26,066 --> 00:21:27,990
Sync and corrections by n17t01
www.addic7ed.com
663
00:21:28,040 --> 00:21:32,590
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
49563
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.