All language subtitles for The Guest Book S01E07 Story Seven 1080p AMZN WEB-DL DDP5 1 H 264-NTb_track3_[eng]

Things are really starting

to heat up
on "The Guest Book," bruh.

That stripper fell
for some dude

who was staying at the cabin,
but he bailed on her.

So now, she all pissed.

And the doctor
who lives next door,

his wife brought a date
with her to his house.

So things aren't looking great
for that marriage.

And the people the stripper
rented the cabin to

broke the shitter,
so the old dude is worried

his wife might find out
what he's been up to.

Is there nudity?

Partial.

**

* Wherever we go

* That's fine by me

* We'll settle our bones

* Eventually

* Yeah, I need a break,
I need a minute *

* Just give me one day

* Let's get, get, get away

[ Bird calling in distance ]

Adam: What a cool place!

You have 63 VHS tapes,
12 spoons, 11 forks.

The kitchen has 21 cabinet
doors and 2 curtains.

There's 16 chairs
in the house and 2 stools.

The deer antlers on
the chandelier have 32 points.

There are three peanut M&Ms
under the couch cushions.

I would have thrown them away,
but I'm allergic to peanuts.

There are 13 lamps,
71 frog figurines.
[ Croaks ]

There are 21 pieces
of plastic food in the bowl

in the kitchen.

My name is Adam,
and I love to count.

7 hours, 23 minutes,
and 18 seconds ago,

I drove 84.6 miles
to the mountains

to stay in your lovely
781-square-foot cabin.

[ Country music playing ]

Heel, two, heel.

[ Telephone rings ]

Mount Trace Rentals.

Did you rent
Froggy Cottage last weekend?

Uh, no. Why?

I think somebody busted in
and broke the toilet.

-I'm-a call the police.
-No, no, no.

Hello?
[ Receiver clatters ]

Hi. My name is Adam.

I'm here to get the keys
to Froggy Cottage.

There might be a little delay
with that.

The toilet's broken.
No problem.

As long as it's ready by 8.
I planned a surprise date.

Ooh. Mints. May I?

Knock yourself out.
Yeah?

[ Mouths words ]

Did you say...

a surprise date?

I sure did.

With a woman from work.

Adam: Gillian.

We both work at
a sewing machine factory

in the accounts receivable
department.

Gillian has worked there
for 134 and one-third days.

She went home early one day
with the flu.

I hope there's no caffeine
in that. [ Chuckles ]

I'm kidding, of course.

What kind of coffee doesn't
have caffeine in it?

Decaf?

Yeah, but the decaf pot has
the orange handle, so...

[ Bottles rattle ]
[ Sighs, under breath ]
Stupid, stupid.

You know where they keep
the extra creamer?

All out, huh?
That's strange.

There were 18 packets
in that bowl this morning.

Maybe try the supply closet.

Okay.

Thanks, Adam.

[ Exhales ]

[ Under breath ]
She knows my name.

She's too young for you.

Oh, how would you like
if I said that

about you
and Adam Lambert?

I'd be hurt.

And don't forget, I do things
to help keep me young.

Like I -- I watch reruns
of "How I Met Your Mother,"

and I listen to popular music
on the radio.

Do you know what
the fox says?

I do.
I know what the fox says.

So, grow a sac
and ask her out already.

No.

I'm too scared. [ Sighs ]

I need to figure out a way
to force myself to do it.

Okay, here's the deal.

The next time she wears her blue
sweater with her gray pants,

I'll ask her out.

And if I don't...

If I don't,

then I have to pull out all
the hairs on both my legs

from the knee down.

And we all know
how much it hurts

if you accidentally pull off
just one leg hair.

So, if that's not an incentive
to get something done,

I don't know what is.

Listen, I really gotta
get going.

Why don't you explore the town
for a few hours

till the place gets ready?

Okay.

So I went to a place
called Chubbys.

37 light bulbs.

But back to Gillian.

All I had to do was wait
for her

to wear the right outfit
so I was forced to ask her out.

[ Telephone rings ]

Over the next few months,

Gillian wore her blue sweater
eight times,

but always with red pants
or a skirt.

[ Telephone rings ]

She wore the gray pants a lot,

but never
with the blue sweater.

It was almost like she knew.

Then, exactly 189 days after I
made the bet with myself...

Excuse me.
It happened.

Blue sweater, gray pants.
Blue sweater, gray pants!

[ Popping lips ]

[ Exhales sharply ]

Go get your Adam Lambert.

But as I rounded the corner,

you could have knocked me over
with a mouse fart.

Well, what happened
to your sweater?

Oh, hi. What?

You were wearing
a blue sweater earlier.

Oh.
I spilled juice on it.

So...

I'm sorry.

I was...

w-wondering...

if I could borrow
your stapler.

Mine got wet.

Are you gonna start plucking
that leg hair,

or do you need me to do it?

Oh, she wasn't wearing the
sweater when I went over there.

Was the deal
that I made with myself

to ask her out after she wore it
or while she was wearing it?

I guess you weren't real clear
about that.

Maybe you should just pull out
the hair on one leg.

Sounds fair.

Oh. Your daughter's
gonna love that.

Ooh.

Oh, I like it.

It's really smooth.

Like the inside
of a baby's nose.

Thanks. I like it, too.

If I shut my eyes
and cross my legs,

it feels like I'm laying
next to a girl.

You're wasting your time
with that love bullshit.

Belie' that.
You give 'em your heart.

You juggle their balls a little
in the bathroom stall,

help them escape police custody,
only to have them take

their substantially wide pecker
to Mexico without you.
[ Ice rattling ]

Don't mind her.
She's down in the dumps.

I still believe in love.

Me, too.

I also believe in Jesus
and ghosts.

I used to believe in myself.

[ Snorts ] Well,
you're wasting your time

with that love bullshit,
belie' that.

[ Slurring] You give 'em your
heart, you juggle their balls...

Wait.

Did I already say this,
or did I think it?

I'm...gonna go see
if my cabin's ready.

Anyway, after I chickened out
with Gillian,

I started to worry that she
might find someone else

to be her boyfriend.

Theo from accounts payable cut
her a really nice corner

of his birthday cake last week,

and something told me
it wasn't an accident.

I hope this cake doesn't have
any sugar in it.

I'm -- I'm kidding, of course.

What kind of cake
doesn't have sugar?

[ Chuckles nervously ]

[ All chuckles ]

I knew I needed to make a move,
and it had to be something big.

[ Typing on keyboard ]

A surprise party for two?

It's a grand
romantic gesture.

I'll rent one of these cabins
up in the mountains,

and I'll see Gillian an Evite
for a "party" I'm having.

I wrote down a bunch
of made up e-mails,

and I'll send them all
Evites as well.

SnickerdoodleLover4326389?

Yeah, I just made a list
of things I know about my mom,

followed by some of my favorite
numbers, like RedHair68253

or NotAliveAnymore81309.

Anyway, when Gillian gets
the Evite,

she'll think it's a real party,
but when she gets up there...

surprise!

It's our first date.

[ Clack, thud ]

So, that's pretty much
the plan.

I'm gonna make the cabin look
really romantic with candles.

I'm also gonna make
her dinner.

I brought a dessert.
I read on the Facebook

that her favorite food
is Chinese and Italian.

I brought a frozen pizza because
I refuse to eat Chinese food.

I don't like how
it's all mixed together.

How am I supposed to know how
many peas I'm eating?

At least pizza has
the decency

to put the pepperonis on top
so you can count them.

[ Door closes ]

There's no sign
of forced entry.

Are you guys sure you didn't
give the keys to anyone?

I know I didn't.

Well, I certainly haven't.

Who would I give
the keys to?

Hey, Wilfrid.
Can I check in yet?

I want to take a shower
before the big date.

Yeah, as long
as you don't mind

that one of the toilets
is broken.

I don't mind. Wish me luck.

On the Evite, she was a "maybe,"
so, fingers crossed.

Hey. How did things go
with your wife visiting?

Oh, yeah.

Not good.
She brought a date.

So sorry to hear that.

Yeah.

So, anyway, thanks
for letting me use your cabin.

Hopefully, Gillian and I will
be returning once a year

to celebrate the anniversary
of our first date.

In love, Adam.

[ Knock on door ]

P.S. -- You'll never guess
what happened

when I opened the door.

So there I was,

all ready to surprise Gillian
with our date.

Hey.

Hey.

Oh, you know Theo, right?

Of course.

Accounts payable.

You had a birthday
the other day.

Yep, and a cake --
with sugar. [ Chuckles ]

Actually,
maybe too much.

I went back for seconds,
and it was all gone.

[ Under breath ]
Maybe if you didn't cut

such big slices for some people.
So, a-a-are you guys dating?

Oh, no.
No.

We're just friends.

Yeah, it was such a long ride.

So I figured I'd ask Theo
to join me.

That's great to hear...

that you're -- you're being
so smart about the long ride.

Way to use the old noodle.

[ Blows air ]
When it's just me in the house,

I try not to waste electricity.
[ Blows air ]

I wasn't... [ Blows air ]
expecting... [ Blows air ]

people... [ Blows air ]
this early.

I'm sorry.
The Evite said 8.

Yeah. [ Blows air ]
I just kind of...

put that on there.
[ Blows air ] The truth is...

[ Blows air ]
the crew I usually hang with...

[ Blows air ]
doesn't get started...

[ Blows air ]
until much later.

Well, as long as we're here,
do you need help setting up?

No, that's okay.

I was just heading out to get
ready to go buy some beer.

You guys just, uh,

[ Mouth full ] make yourself
at home.

Adam: Guys!

Guys, she brought someone
with her.

I have to throw a real party.

Do you know this guy?

-Ish.
I know him -ish.

Can you please come over?

I have to make it look like
I'm throwing a real party.

Uh...I guess so.

I gotta call my son first,
wish him good night.

Perfect.
I'm gonna go get alcoholic beer.

And then head into town

to try to round up
some more party guests.

Say, hey -- do -- do you want
to go to a party?

I'm working.
Well, what if I order
a bunch of food?

Will you just stick around
a-a-and act like we're friends?

I'm not comfortable
with saying we're friends.

But you could tell people I used
to date your sister,

and I'm still hung up on her,
so I'm hanging out with you

as a way to try
to get her to take me back.

Deal.

Hey, just curious...

wh-why couldn't we
just be friends?

I just don't see it.

Anyway, it's Froggy Cottage, and
it should be a really fun party.

I invited a bunch
of people I met in town,

and the guy next door
might show up.

[ Police radio chatter ]
Dr. Brown?

I don't know his profession.
Tall, really handsome,

looks like he could lift you
onto a dresser?

Yeah, that's him.

Maybe I'll stop by
after my shift.

[ Paper rips ]

Slow down, okay?
Will do.

I'm sorry. Sometimes I count
the numbers on the speedometer

when they're going up,
and I don't want them to stop.

[ Door creaks ]
[ Laughing ]

Oh, hey.

I hope you don't mind,
we cooked the pizza.

No. Not at all.

That's what it's there for.

Although save some room
for Chinese.

Do you like Chinese food?

Are you kidding?
I love it!

Huh. Me, too.
[ Singsongy ] Twinsies.

As it turns out,

this little mountain town
is super friendly.

And once they heard
I needed help,

they were more than happy
to come to my fake party.

Hey, I hope it's okay that we
brought a few friends.

They heard there'd be
free beer.

Oh, yeah.
The more, the merrier.

There's 149 beers left.

Hey.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Hey, look -- that old dude
we're blackmailing is here.

He's with his wife,
all right.

Maybe we should leave?
Hey.

Let's have some fun.

[ Door creaks ]

Hey, look, it's my sister's
ex-boyfriend.

He brought food.

[ Cheering ]
Before I knew it,
I was throwing a real party.

* Seal goes ow, ow, ow

* But there's a sound

* That no one knows

* What does the fox say

* Ring-ding-ding-ding
dingeringeding *

* Ring-ding-ding-ding
dingeringeding *

* Ring-ding-ding-ding
dingeringeding *

* What the fox say

* Wa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pow

* Wa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pow

* Wa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pow

* What the fox say

* Hatee-hatee-hatee-ho

* Hatee-hatee-hatee-ho

* Hatee-hatee-hatee-ho

* What the fox say

* Joff-tchoff-tchoffo-tchoffo
tchoff *

* Joff-tchoff-tchoffo-tchoffo
tchoff *

* Joff-tchoff-tchoffo-tchoffo

* What the fox say

[ Upbeat music playing ]

Hey, Adam.

This is a really cool place.

What happened to your food?

I spilled it.

And then I was cleaning
it up, and, wow,

I didn't even realize I was
putting it into these piles.

I guess you could take the
accountant out of the office,

but you can't take the counting
out of the accountant.

-[ Chuckles ]
-Do you like Kung Pao chicken?

I love it. If it's Chinese,
I love it.

I love Chinese food.

You know, you -- you and I,
we share that in common.

We were sharing chopsticks.

That's like one step away
from kissing.

If she has a mouth disease,
now we both have it.

So good.

[ Grunts ] There aren't any
peanuts in there,

are -- are there?

Oh. [ Chuckles ]

Oh, you're kidding, right?
[ Laughs ]

Okay -- what kind of Kung Pao
doesn't have peanuts?

[ Laughs ]

I'm beginning
to get your humor, Adam.

Yeah, well, you know,
my mother always said,

"Adam, humor is the bedrock
of any relationship."

Ha.

And stay away from peanuts,
because you're allergic.

Hey.
Do you have recycling...

Holy shit,
what happened to your face?

Peanuts. I ate peanuts,
and I'm allergic.

[ Sets can down ]
All right, we need to get you
to the hospital, pronto.

No, no, no, no,
don't say anything.

It will ruin everything
with Gillian.

Okay, I'm breathing okay,
and...

the -- the itching is getting
better, okay?

I'm fine.
Please, don't say anything.

This may be my only chance
at love, please.

Okay. Okay, settle down.
Maybe you're not anaphylactic,

but I'd feel better

if we could get
an epinephrine injection in you.

I'm gonna run to the hospital.
Okay.

If you start to have trouble
breathing, you call 9-1-1.

Okay, I'm fine.
Okay?

I'm fine. [ Hawks throat ]

Hey, would you mind giving me
a ride somewhere real quick?

Like, with sirens
and everything?

I'd love to!

If go real fast around
the turns,

you might have to hold onto
my thigh for safety.

It's called
Chubbys Bikini Bar.

[ Door opens ]
Okay, I know that place.

I pass it on my way
to dialysis.
[ Door closes ]

What exactly goes on
in there?

You know,
sometimes a pervert

tries to lure us
into the storage room,

but mostly, we just dance.

I just started
dancing myself.

My husband and I are practicing
so we can go line dancing.

That's my husband over there.

Wilfrid, this is Vivian.

Oh, hello.

Nice to, uh, meet you, Vivian.

I'm so sorry about this.

Yeah. Yeah, whatever.

Your shoelace is untied.

So, why do they
call it Chubbys?

A chubby is what some people
call a fella's wiener

when it's half hard.

Really?

Damn, they got a name
for everything, don't they?

My granddaughter just taught me
what a queef was.

What's a queef?

Pussy fart.

Thanks again
for coming with me.

I had no idea
what to expect.

Adam didn't strike me
as the type of guy

to throw a crazy party.

-He's kind of old.
-I know.

He kind of reminds me
of my uncle Lou,

always trying
to act younger than he is.

Yeah, well, I'm sure we'll be
the same way when we're his age.
[ Bottle caps fizz ]

Plus, Adam is
just super sweet.

That's why I had to come.

I'm just glad we're
becoming friends.

He's a good guy.

Listen, I know earlier
you said this isn't a date,

and I didn't think it was,
either.

But would you want to go out
some time?

I'd love to. [ Chuckles ]

You know, Adam is gonna love it
when he finds out

that his party is the reason
that you and I got together.

[ Siren wails ]

[ Engine turns off ]

[ Bird calls in distance ]

Oh, my God.

Oh, jeez! Adam!

[ Panting ]

Oh!

[ Cap pops ]

[ Thud ]

[ Exhales deeply ]

Hey, guys.

Hey.

Hi. Hi.

Before long, I was breathing
normally again.

And after a few more hours
of fun, the party was over.

[ Laughter ]

Thanks for coming, friends.

I'll see you later, Eddie.
Good luck with my sister.

Bye.
[ Bicycle bell rings ]

Thanks.
Bye.

Thanks, Adam.
Bye, Theo.

I'll see you guys at work
in 31 hours and 17 minutes.

Okay.

As far as my love life goes,
the night was a bust.

But I did make some
new friends, and I'm alive.

So, I guess it wasn't
a total loss.

Your tenant, Adam.

P.P.S. -- you've got
a serious insect problem

inside your kitchen cupboard.

There were too many to count.

[ Knocking ]

Who is it?

It's Abby.

I'm here for the party.

Hi.

I know I'm kind of late.

I got an Evite
about a week ago.

I thought it might be
a mistake,

but my e-mail address
is so strange,

I don't know how
that could happen.

SnickerdoodleLover4326389.

The number signifies how many
snickerdoodle cookies

I think it would take to ease
tensions in the Middle East.

Anyway, I was sitting
at home tonight, doing nothing,

as always, and I thought,
"What the heck?

Maybe I should go
to that party."

But I just couldn't muster up
the nerve to walk to my car.

So, I made a deal with myself
that if I saw a commercial

for that egg-shaped
cheese grater thing

that you use to get
the dead skin off your feet,

that would be a sign
I should get in my car and go.

And wouldn't you know, halfway
through "How I Met Your Mother,"

there it was...

that silly foot egg.

So...here I am.

Party's over.

What a weirdo.

* Show me the best
that you got *

* And I'll show you one better

* Tell me a dirty joke

* And I'll laugh it off
lightly *

* If I tell you a dirty joke

* You might not like me

* Everyone gets
to make one big mistake *

* And if you're waiting on me

* Well, I guess you
gonna have to wait *

Tommy!

Oh, baby, look!

Look at these cabins
they got up here.

Honey, we should rent one.

I don't want to sleep
in the El Camino.

I don't have a lot of cash.

We don't need cash, baby.

I still got all these
stolen credit cards, okay?

You gotta do it, though, 'cause
they all got boys names on them.

I'll meet you
in the car, okay?

Uh, but I already
got two strikes.

Don't be a pussy.

* Everyone gets to make
one big mistake *