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1
00:00:04,805 --> 00:00:06,540
Tim:
I'm in the middle of a crisis,
2
00:00:06,574 --> 00:00:08,509
but I wanted to leave
some kind of record
3
00:00:08,542 --> 00:00:10,778
in case things go sideways
and my plan doesn't work.
4
00:00:10,811 --> 00:00:13,047
It all started
about a week ago.
5
00:00:13,081 --> 00:00:16,150
Tim:
I'm looking! I promise!
[ Baby crying ]
6
00:00:16,184 --> 00:00:18,519
Honey, I'm sorry, but her
stuffed lamb isn't in my car!
7
00:00:18,552 --> 00:00:20,788
Besides,
I have a class to teach.
8
00:00:20,821 --> 00:00:23,357
I don't know what you expect
me to do if I find it.
9
00:00:23,391 --> 00:00:25,359
Oh, I expect you
to drive back here
10
00:00:25,393 --> 00:00:28,329
and give it to your screeching
shit factory of a daughter
11
00:00:28,362 --> 00:00:30,298
so she'll shut the hell up!
12
00:00:30,331 --> 00:00:31,432
**
13
00:00:31,465 --> 00:00:33,534
[ Toy squeaks ]
14
00:00:33,567 --> 00:00:35,503
[ School bell rings ]
15
00:00:35,536 --> 00:00:37,838
[ Children shouting playfully ]
16
00:00:37,871 --> 00:00:40,141
I'm sorry, honey.
It's not here.
17
00:00:40,174 --> 00:00:42,476
[ Cellphone ringing
and vibrating ]
18
00:00:42,510 --> 00:00:46,147
[ Door opens, closes ]
19
00:00:46,180 --> 00:00:50,518
[ Ringing and vibrating
continues ]
20
00:00:50,551 --> 00:00:55,223
All right, Newton's cradle,
named after Sir Isaac Newton,
21
00:00:55,256 --> 00:00:57,425
demonstrates conservation
of momentum and energy
22
00:00:57,458 --> 00:00:59,560
using a series
of swinging spheres.
23
00:01:01,562 --> 00:01:03,231
[ Pounding on window ]
24
00:01:03,264 --> 00:01:06,600
You're a liar, Tim,
and an asshole!
25
00:01:06,634 --> 00:01:09,837
Kids, your teacher is a liar
and an asshole!
26
00:01:09,870 --> 00:01:12,173
[ Baby crying ]
27
00:01:15,209 --> 00:01:18,112
You guys might have a substitute
for the next few days.
28
00:01:18,146 --> 00:01:20,781
**
29
00:01:20,814 --> 00:01:24,218
* Wherever we go
30
00:01:24,252 --> 00:01:26,654
* That's fine by me
31
00:01:26,687 --> 00:01:29,523
* We'll settle our bones
32
00:01:29,557 --> 00:01:31,125
* Eventually
33
00:01:31,159 --> 00:01:33,561
* Yeah, I need a break,
I need a minute *
34
00:01:33,594 --> 00:01:37,198
* Just give me one day
35
00:01:37,231 --> 00:01:41,702
* Let's get, get, get away
36
00:01:44,772 --> 00:01:47,275
Realizing Sandy needed some
time away from the baby,
37
00:01:47,308 --> 00:01:48,642
I found your cabin online
38
00:01:48,676 --> 00:01:50,311
and left our daughter
with my parents
39
00:01:50,344 --> 00:01:51,712
so Sandy could get
some much-needed rest.
40
00:01:51,745 --> 00:01:53,847
**
41
00:01:53,881 --> 00:01:56,850
I'm not promising
to have sex with you up here.
42
00:01:56,884 --> 00:01:59,353
No one said anything
about sex promises.
43
00:01:59,387 --> 00:02:02,223
I just want you
to get some sleep.
44
00:02:02,256 --> 00:02:03,391
Oh, here you are.
45
00:02:03,424 --> 00:02:05,193
Tim Davidson.
Froggy Cottage.
46
00:02:05,226 --> 00:02:07,895
3 bedrooms.
Feel free to use them all.
47
00:02:07,928 --> 00:02:09,363
That's not
why we're here.
48
00:02:09,397 --> 00:02:10,831
We're just here
to get some rest.
49
00:02:10,864 --> 00:02:13,367
Oh, okay. Well,
it's -- it's very quiet
50
00:02:13,401 --> 00:02:14,568
and clean.
51
00:02:14,602 --> 00:02:16,637
Emma just gave it
the once-over.
52
00:02:16,670 --> 00:02:19,407
That toilet downstairs
runs like a canyon,
53
00:02:19,440 --> 00:02:21,675
so after you flush,
you gotta take the top off
54
00:02:21,709 --> 00:02:24,378
and monkey around with the chain
and that bobber thing.
55
00:02:24,412 --> 00:02:26,547
As long as
you brought it up,
56
00:02:26,580 --> 00:02:28,616
after you rest,
I wouldn't mind having sex
57
00:02:28,649 --> 00:02:31,151
considering we haven't
done that in almost a year.
58
00:02:33,221 --> 00:02:34,522
Ever since I gave birth,
59
00:02:34,555 --> 00:02:36,324
things aren't the same
down there.
60
00:02:36,357 --> 00:02:38,326
Well, luckily for you, it's been
so long since I've seen it,
61
00:02:38,359 --> 00:02:40,528
I don't think I'll notice.
-Oh, you'll notice.
62
00:02:40,561 --> 00:02:42,963
It looks like someone
punched a lasagna.
63
00:02:42,996 --> 00:02:46,434
Oh, if you like Italian food,
there's a place on Maple.
64
00:02:46,467 --> 00:02:48,469
We prefer Chinese.
65
00:02:48,502 --> 00:02:51,572
Wang's Tastey Delightful
is the best on the mountain.
66
00:02:51,605 --> 00:02:53,907
Our nephew does the deliveries.
67
00:02:53,941 --> 00:02:56,277
Don't tip him, though.
He'll just use it for drugs.
68
00:02:56,310 --> 00:02:58,312
Claims he's clean,
but you tell me
69
00:02:58,346 --> 00:03:01,682
what man misplaces his car
'less he's on the ganja.
70
00:03:03,517 --> 00:03:04,685
Here you go.
71
00:03:04,718 --> 00:03:05,886
[ Croaking sound ]
72
00:03:05,919 --> 00:03:07,655
Froggy Cottage.
73
00:03:07,688 --> 00:03:09,323
Personally,
74
00:03:09,357 --> 00:03:11,259
I thought your place had
a lovely mountain charm,
75
00:03:11,292 --> 00:03:13,727
but Sandy is a little tougher
to please.
76
00:03:15,896 --> 00:03:17,298
Okay.
77
00:03:17,331 --> 00:03:18,532
[ Sniffs ]
78
00:03:18,566 --> 00:03:22,870
Smells dusty, musty,
or rusty in here.
79
00:03:22,903 --> 00:03:25,406
Something "usty," for sure.
Maybe we should just go home.
80
00:03:25,439 --> 00:03:27,375
It'll be fine.
I'll open a window.
81
00:03:27,408 --> 00:03:29,277
[ Sighs ]
82
00:03:37,418 --> 00:03:40,454
[ Boy shouting playfully ]
83
00:03:49,497 --> 00:03:53,267
Sandy: What the hell?!
Are you shitting me?!
84
00:03:53,301 --> 00:03:54,868
-Tim!
-Shh! Shh! Hey.
85
00:03:54,902 --> 00:03:56,470
There's a little kid
over there
86
00:03:56,504 --> 00:03:57,705
having a Cat Stevens moment
with his dad.
87
00:03:57,738 --> 00:04:01,275
Tell me you packed
my humidifier.
88
00:04:02,676 --> 00:04:05,346
Is it news to you
that I have a sinus condition,
89
00:04:05,379 --> 00:04:07,681
that I can't sleep
without my humidifier?
90
00:04:07,715 --> 00:04:09,517
No,
it's not news to me.
91
00:04:09,550 --> 00:04:11,719
I knew this weekend
wasn't about sleep.
92
00:04:11,752 --> 00:04:13,521
I bet you didn't
forget condoms, did you?
93
00:04:13,554 --> 00:04:14,988
I bet you didn't forget
94
00:04:15,022 --> 00:04:16,924
that edible lube you like,
makes your balls taste
95
00:04:16,957 --> 00:04:19,327
like strawberries grown
in Chernobyl, did you?
96
00:04:19,360 --> 00:04:21,295
Did you, Tim? Huh?!
97
00:04:21,329 --> 00:04:23,431
The flavor's actually
mixed berry.
98
00:04:25,032 --> 00:04:27,000
Okay, go long, buddy.
99
00:04:29,337 --> 00:04:30,604
We got a dehumidifier.
100
00:04:30,638 --> 00:04:33,006
Want me to see if it has
a reverse button?
101
00:04:33,040 --> 00:04:35,576
It needs to be
a Boneco 7135.
102
00:04:35,609 --> 00:04:37,511
They sell them
at Bed, Bath & Beyond.
103
00:04:37,545 --> 00:04:39,380
Is there
a Bed, Bath & Beyond nearby?
104
00:04:39,413 --> 00:04:40,614
You ever heard of something
105
00:04:40,648 --> 00:04:43,083
called a Bed, Bath and --
what was it?
106
00:04:43,116 --> 00:04:44,852
Beyond.
Beyond?
107
00:04:44,885 --> 00:04:46,587
Emma:
There's one in Winksville.
108
00:04:46,620 --> 00:04:49,022
Oh. There's one
in Winksville.
109
00:04:49,056 --> 00:04:51,659
-It's about an hour drive.
-An hour.
110
00:04:51,692 --> 00:04:53,694
Honey,
maybe you could, like --
[ Keys clatter ]
111
00:04:55,663 --> 00:04:57,965
Now, I had every intention
to get the humidifier
112
00:04:57,998 --> 00:05:02,370
safely back up to the cabin
as fast as I possibly could.
113
00:05:02,403 --> 00:05:04,037
[ Brakes screech ]
114
00:05:04,071 --> 00:05:06,306
**
115
00:05:12,780 --> 00:05:14,882
But then something came up.
116
00:05:14,915 --> 00:05:16,917
**
117
00:05:26,594 --> 00:05:28,362
I'm not normally
a strip club kind of guy,
118
00:05:28,396 --> 00:05:30,431
but maybe it was the picture
of the girl on the sign
119
00:05:30,464 --> 00:05:33,567
or maybe I just wanted to stand
in front of a woman
120
00:05:33,601 --> 00:05:35,703
who wasn't going to yell at me.
121
00:05:35,736 --> 00:05:39,039
Whatever it was,
it was calling the shots.
122
00:05:39,072 --> 00:05:42,376
[ Country music playing
on loudspeaker ]
123
00:05:42,410 --> 00:05:45,045
[ Door closes ]
124
00:05:45,078 --> 00:05:49,417
**
125
00:05:49,450 --> 00:05:51,885
[ Pinball machine clanks ]
126
00:05:51,919 --> 00:05:58,392
**
127
00:06:04,432 --> 00:06:07,034
[ Whispers ] Bucha! Come on.
128
00:06:08,702 --> 00:06:13,173
Gentlemen, recently back
from maternity leave,
129
00:06:13,206 --> 00:06:17,845
put your hands together
for Kombucha!
130
00:06:19,947 --> 00:06:21,048
Let her earn it!
131
00:06:25,152 --> 00:06:28,722
[ Rock music playing ]
132
00:06:28,756 --> 00:06:36,964
[ Man singing indistinctly ]
133
00:06:36,997 --> 00:06:43,837
**
134
00:06:43,871 --> 00:06:46,974
[ Pinball machine dinging
and clacking ]
135
00:06:47,007 --> 00:06:48,942
* Shake it up, shake it up
* Sing it
136
00:06:48,976 --> 00:06:51,078
* Shake it up, shake it up
137
00:06:51,111 --> 00:06:53,447
* Shake it up, shake it up
* Sing
138
00:06:53,481 --> 00:06:55,583
Am I on?
139
00:06:55,616 --> 00:06:57,718
* Shake it up, shake it up
* Sing
140
00:06:57,751 --> 00:07:00,120
* Shake it up, shake it up
141
00:07:00,153 --> 00:07:02,122
* Shake it up, shake it up
* Sing
142
00:07:02,155 --> 00:07:04,858
* Shake it up, shake it up
143
00:07:04,892 --> 00:07:06,193
**
144
00:07:06,226 --> 00:07:09,463
Hi. I'm Tickles.
145
00:07:09,497 --> 00:07:11,565
Hello, Tickles.
146
00:07:11,599 --> 00:07:12,900
**
147
00:07:12,933 --> 00:07:16,704
Um, the girl on the billboard
working today?
148
00:07:16,737 --> 00:07:18,739
Sweetheart,
the girl on the billboard
149
00:07:18,772 --> 00:07:20,774
is a model from NYC City.
150
00:07:20,808 --> 00:07:22,476
We're mountain dancers.
151
00:07:22,510 --> 00:07:24,712
Come on.
Why don't you treat yourself
152
00:07:24,745 --> 00:07:26,814
to a private dance
in the VIP room
153
00:07:26,847 --> 00:07:28,949
with a mountain dancer?
154
00:07:28,982 --> 00:07:30,851
[ Whispers ]
Full bush.
155
00:07:30,884 --> 00:07:33,153
* Shake it up
* Shake it up, shake it up
156
00:07:33,186 --> 00:07:35,889
* Shake it up, shake it up
[ Door creaks ]
157
00:07:35,923 --> 00:07:38,258
Sit down, Tiger.
158
00:07:38,291 --> 00:07:40,160
She gave me a nickname
right away -- "Tiger."
159
00:07:40,193 --> 00:07:42,095
Up until that point,
160
00:07:42,129 --> 00:07:45,065
the closest a woman has ever
come to calling me Tiger...
161
00:07:45,098 --> 00:07:47,000
[ Door closes ]
...was when my wife called me
a pussy at my uncle's funeral.
162
00:07:47,034 --> 00:07:48,902
I had never had
a lap dance before,
163
00:07:48,936 --> 00:07:50,704
so I was basically
following her lead
164
00:07:50,738 --> 00:07:52,606
so I didn't look like an idiot.
165
00:07:52,640 --> 00:07:55,509
[ Music continues, muffled ]
166
00:07:58,912 --> 00:08:00,247
[ Chuckles lightly ]
167
00:08:00,280 --> 00:08:01,949
Yeah.
168
00:08:01,982 --> 00:08:04,718
[ Chair creaks ]
169
00:08:04,752 --> 00:08:06,920
[ Whispers ]
Do you like feet, Tiger?
170
00:08:06,954 --> 00:08:08,155
I love feet.
171
00:08:08,188 --> 00:08:10,591
I have no idea why I said that.
172
00:08:10,624 --> 00:08:11,925
Not that I have anything
against feet...
[ Heels clatter ]
173
00:08:11,959 --> 00:08:13,894
...but I certainly
don't love them.
174
00:08:13,927 --> 00:08:16,697
Hopefully, it was just an
innocent conversation starter.
175
00:08:16,730 --> 00:08:18,265
It wasn't.
176
00:08:18,298 --> 00:08:20,734
**
177
00:08:27,575 --> 00:08:30,010
[ Door creaks, switch clicks ]
178
00:08:31,211 --> 00:08:33,614
[ Door closes ]
179
00:08:33,647 --> 00:08:35,616
[ Rustling ]
180
00:08:35,649 --> 00:08:37,050
[ Clanking ]
181
00:08:42,856 --> 00:08:44,658
I don't want to get
into too much detail...
182
00:08:44,692 --> 00:08:46,026
[ Switch clicks ]
...about what happened
183
00:08:46,059 --> 00:08:47,628
during the next
seven or eight minutes,
184
00:08:47,661 --> 00:08:49,697
but I can tell you this --
185
00:08:49,730 --> 00:08:53,133
it involved feet,
and I'm not proud of it.
186
00:08:53,166 --> 00:08:55,703
**
187
00:08:57,070 --> 00:08:59,673
[ Engine starts ]
188
00:08:59,707 --> 00:09:02,976
I can see her!
I can see our mom in there!
189
00:09:08,749 --> 00:09:10,117
I want to sell you
something, bro.
190
00:09:10,150 --> 00:09:11,719
No, thank you.
191
00:09:11,752 --> 00:09:13,787
I-I think you're gonna
want to buy this.
192
00:09:13,821 --> 00:09:15,989
It's a one-of-a-kind video,
Tiger.
193
00:09:23,731 --> 00:09:26,233
What's on the tape?
Not much.
194
00:09:26,266 --> 00:09:28,769
Just everything you did
in the VIP room.
195
00:09:32,840 --> 00:09:34,608
Shit.
196
00:09:34,642 --> 00:09:37,277
You don't look so good.
You need to sit down, Tiger?
197
00:09:37,310 --> 00:09:38,812
Okay,
stop calling me Tiger.
198
00:09:38,846 --> 00:09:40,748
Oh, you prefer
I call you something else?
199
00:09:40,781 --> 00:09:42,816
Foot-sniffer?
Foot-licker?
200
00:09:42,850 --> 00:09:44,952
-Athlete's dick.
-Okay, I don't even like feet.
201
00:09:44,985 --> 00:09:46,654
I was just being polite
to Tickles.
202
00:09:46,687 --> 00:09:48,622
Yeah, and I appreciate
you being nice to my stepmother.
203
00:09:48,656 --> 00:09:50,290
Look, man, I'm not trying
to make trouble for you.
204
00:09:50,323 --> 00:09:51,892
I just want to sell you
the tape.
205
00:09:51,925 --> 00:09:53,226
I'll be on my way.
206
00:09:53,260 --> 00:09:54,895
How much?
700 bucks.
207
00:09:54,928 --> 00:09:55,896
Seven hund--
208
00:09:55,929 --> 00:09:57,097
[ Knock on window ]
209
00:10:03,771 --> 00:10:05,939
Look. I think I have
30 bucks on me. It's all yours.
210
00:10:05,973 --> 00:10:07,240
Just please take it
and leave.
[ Car door closes ]
211
00:10:07,274 --> 00:10:08,308
Please.
212
00:10:08,341 --> 00:10:10,744
Mmm!
Fried chicken?
213
00:10:10,778 --> 00:10:12,379
Color me jealous!
214
00:10:12,412 --> 00:10:14,081
My cholesterol's sky-high.
Can't do it.
215
00:10:14,114 --> 00:10:16,750
Enjoy it, though!
Good for you.
216
00:10:16,784 --> 00:10:19,086
Please take it. Take it.
Please, please, please?
217
00:10:19,119 --> 00:10:20,788
Come on, man.
What's going on?
218
00:10:20,821 --> 00:10:22,790
Oh, hi!
219
00:10:22,823 --> 00:10:26,326
Look at you, all clean --
clean as a whistle.
220
00:10:26,359 --> 00:10:28,028
[ Whistles ]
221
00:10:28,061 --> 00:10:29,329
Who's this?
222
00:10:29,362 --> 00:10:32,399
[ Stops whistling, sniffs ]
223
00:10:32,432 --> 00:10:34,702
Maintenance guy --
he just wanted to stop by,
224
00:10:34,735 --> 00:10:36,804
make sure
that everything's working.
225
00:10:36,837 --> 00:10:39,006
Oh, you got, like right...
226
00:10:39,039 --> 00:10:40,373
[ Lowered voice ]
Go in the house, and take
anything you want. Anything.
227
00:10:40,407 --> 00:10:42,009
Yeah.
228
00:10:43,777 --> 00:10:45,145
He's nice.
229
00:10:47,748 --> 00:10:49,216
The shower pressure's
for shit.
230
00:10:49,249 --> 00:10:50,283
Yeah,
I think he's more of like
231
00:10:50,317 --> 00:10:52,119
an appliance/electronics guy.
232
00:10:52,152 --> 00:10:53,386
He's just gonna...
[ Inhales deeply ] you know,
233
00:10:53,420 --> 00:10:54,922
make sure
everything's up to snuff.
234
00:10:54,955 --> 00:10:56,757
And if not,
he's gonna take it with him
235
00:10:56,790 --> 00:10:58,692
and then bring back
better stuff later.
236
00:10:58,726 --> 00:11:00,761
Whatever.
237
00:11:00,794 --> 00:11:02,462
I want to open
another bottle of wine.
238
00:11:02,495 --> 00:11:04,364
Okay.
239
00:11:09,436 --> 00:11:11,104
[ Door closes, box thuds ]
240
00:11:11,138 --> 00:11:12,940
Okay, why didn't
you take anything?
241
00:11:12,973 --> 00:11:14,975
Like what --
the world's first microwave,
242
00:11:15,008 --> 00:11:17,144
that old as hell
combination TV-VCR,
243
00:11:17,177 --> 00:11:20,013
one of the myriad
of ceramic frog statuettes?
244
00:11:20,047 --> 00:11:21,949
Did you just use
the word "myriad"?
Yeah.
245
00:11:21,982 --> 00:11:23,283
Why?
Did I use it wrong?
246
00:11:23,316 --> 00:11:25,886
-No, you used it right.
-Sweet.
247
00:11:28,188 --> 00:11:30,157
Look, I don't know
what else to tell you.
248
00:11:30,190 --> 00:11:31,424
I have no cash.
249
00:11:31,458 --> 00:11:33,126
Well then, it looks like
me and your wife
250
00:11:33,160 --> 00:11:36,296
are gonna find out if that
combination TV-VCR works.
251
00:11:41,001 --> 00:11:43,036
**
252
00:11:47,140 --> 00:11:49,777
Tiger,
what did you do that for?
253
00:11:49,810 --> 00:11:51,311
You know exactly
why I did that.
254
00:11:51,344 --> 00:11:53,847
Now you can't blackmail me!
No tape, no blackmail!
255
00:11:53,881 --> 00:11:55,382
[ Sighs ]
256
00:11:55,415 --> 00:11:57,250
Yeah!
[ Car door closes ]
257
00:11:57,284 --> 00:11:59,753
[ Under breath ] That was some
Jason Statham shit right there!
258
00:11:59,787 --> 00:12:03,056
I'm-a be back later tonight
with another copy of the tape.
259
00:12:03,090 --> 00:12:05,258
That should give you time
to run to the bank.
260
00:12:05,292 --> 00:12:09,062
And I want $2,000 this time.
261
00:12:09,096 --> 00:12:13,500
[ Vehicle departs ]
262
00:12:13,533 --> 00:12:14,802
[ Car door closes ]
263
00:12:14,835 --> 00:12:16,536
Forgot the doughnuts.
264
00:12:16,569 --> 00:12:18,338
My ex-wife won't let
our son have them,
265
00:12:18,371 --> 00:12:21,041
so it's our little secret
on my weekends.
266
00:12:21,074 --> 00:12:23,110
I'd give anything
for a doughnut right now!
267
00:12:23,143 --> 00:12:25,879
[ Under breath ]
And an ex-wife.
268
00:12:29,817 --> 00:12:31,084
My only choice
was to figure out
269
00:12:31,118 --> 00:12:32,519
how to convince Sandy to leave
270
00:12:32,552 --> 00:12:34,888
before the guy with the tape
came back.
271
00:12:34,922 --> 00:12:36,990
**
272
00:12:37,024 --> 00:12:41,328
Sandy: Hey, Timmy.
[ Singsongy ] Lasagna's ready!
273
00:12:44,331 --> 00:12:46,533
Did you see the way
that guy looked at me, Tim?
274
00:12:46,566 --> 00:12:48,869
He didn't look at me
like a mother.
275
00:12:48,902 --> 00:12:51,504
He looked at me
like a piece of ass.
276
00:12:51,538 --> 00:12:55,075
You're still married
to a piece of ass, Tim.
277
00:12:55,108 --> 00:12:58,511
Why don't you come over here
and cut yourself off a slice?
278
00:13:02,282 --> 00:13:04,184
Now, I knew
the clock was ticking,
279
00:13:04,217 --> 00:13:06,586
but who knows when she was
going to be in the mood again?
280
00:13:06,619 --> 00:13:08,488
And we hadn't had sex
in over a year,
281
00:13:08,521 --> 00:13:10,457
which we more than made up for.
282
00:13:10,490 --> 00:13:14,394
* Mr. Frog went a-courtin' and
he did ride, uh-huh, uh-huh *
283
00:13:14,427 --> 00:13:17,130
* Mr. Frog went a-courtin'
and he did ride *
284
00:13:17,164 --> 00:13:19,900
* A sword and a pistol
by his side, uh-huh *
285
00:13:19,933 --> 00:13:24,337
[ Sandy moaning ]
286
00:13:24,371 --> 00:13:26,073
* Rode up
to Miss Mousey's door *
287
00:13:26,106 --> 00:13:28,408
* Where he had often
been before *
288
00:13:28,441 --> 00:13:30,443
* Uh-huh, uh-huh
[ Clatter ]
289
00:13:30,477 --> 00:13:33,480
And just for the heck of it,
I even tried some feet stuff.
290
00:13:33,513 --> 00:13:36,183
Ow.
Okay, I think I'm done.
291
00:13:36,216 --> 00:13:37,417
She didn't like it.
292
00:13:37,450 --> 00:13:39,252
[ Both sigh ]
293
00:13:39,286 --> 00:13:40,453
That was fun, right?
294
00:13:40,487 --> 00:13:42,355
It was great.
295
00:13:42,389 --> 00:13:45,192
And now I can sleep.
Oh!
296
00:13:45,225 --> 00:13:47,928
I'm gonna put
my night guard in.
297
00:13:47,961 --> 00:13:50,397
Mmm.
298
00:13:50,430 --> 00:13:52,065
[ Wine glass thuds ]
299
00:13:52,099 --> 00:13:53,433
Will you fill up
the humidifier for me?
300
00:13:53,466 --> 00:13:55,535
Sure.
301
00:13:55,568 --> 00:13:57,370
And that's when I realized
that while my erection
302
00:13:57,404 --> 00:13:59,539
might be going away,
the guy with the tape wasn't.
303
00:13:59,572 --> 00:14:01,942
**
304
00:14:04,044 --> 00:14:07,247
And then it hit me --
the perfect plan.
305
00:14:07,280 --> 00:14:09,082
[ Lisping ]
What the hell do you mean,
306
00:14:09,116 --> 00:14:11,084
you drank all the bottled water?
-I'm sorry.
307
00:14:11,118 --> 00:14:12,619
The sex made me thirsty.
[ Scoffs ]
308
00:14:12,652 --> 00:14:14,387
I filled it up in the bathtub.
Is that okay?
309
00:14:14,421 --> 00:14:15,923
No, it's not!
310
00:14:15,956 --> 00:14:19,026
You know I refuse
to breathe tap water!
311
00:14:19,059 --> 00:14:20,660
I know. I'm sorry.
312
00:14:20,693 --> 00:14:22,195
Maybe we should go home.
313
00:14:22,229 --> 00:14:23,997
How are we supposed
to do that, Tim?
314
00:14:24,031 --> 00:14:25,933
We've both been drinking.
Well, you've been drinking.
315
00:14:25,966 --> 00:14:28,235
-I haven't been drinking.
-You had a glass of wine.
316
00:14:28,268 --> 00:14:29,502
I had one glass.
I don't think --
317
00:14:29,536 --> 00:14:31,338
You're a lightweight,
Tim!
318
00:14:31,371 --> 00:14:33,106
I can't let you get
behind the wheel of a car
319
00:14:33,140 --> 00:14:35,976
and hit someone, go to jail,
and get to sleep all day
320
00:14:36,009 --> 00:14:37,644
while I raise
that screaming banshee
321
00:14:37,677 --> 00:14:40,180
you planted in my twat!
322
00:14:40,213 --> 00:14:42,215
Would it kill you
to simply say "vagina"?
323
00:14:42,249 --> 00:14:44,051
I mean,
you're college-educated.
324
00:14:47,420 --> 00:14:49,222
Honey, no no no, no.
No, no.
325
00:14:49,256 --> 00:14:52,325
Do-- Don't, don't,
don't, don't, don't open...
326
00:14:52,359 --> 00:14:54,394
Finally!
I ordered Chinese.
327
00:14:54,427 --> 00:14:57,064
You don't happen to have any
bottled water with you, do you?
328
00:14:57,097 --> 00:14:58,398
I'm sorry, what?
329
00:14:58,431 --> 00:14:59,967
Oh, honey,
you have your night guard in,
330
00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:01,234
so it's kind of hard
to understand --
331
00:15:01,268 --> 00:15:03,136
[ Night guard clacks ]
332
00:15:03,170 --> 00:15:06,273
[ Normal voice ] Bottled water.
Do you have any bottled water?
333
00:15:06,306 --> 00:15:07,574
Not unless you ordered it.
334
00:15:07,607 --> 00:15:09,977
[ Sighs ]
335
00:15:10,010 --> 00:15:11,344
What are you doing?
336
00:15:11,378 --> 00:15:12,712
I'm going to walk forwards
until I find a store
337
00:15:12,745 --> 00:15:14,281
that sells bottled water!
338
00:15:14,314 --> 00:15:17,584
Breathing tap water.
What is this, Haiti?
339
00:15:17,617 --> 00:15:20,087
I'll get your money.
340
00:15:23,190 --> 00:15:25,625
[ Lighter clicks ]
341
00:15:25,658 --> 00:15:27,594
[ Flame crackles ]
342
00:15:31,198 --> 00:15:32,432
[ Exhales ]
343
00:15:32,465 --> 00:15:33,633
[ Crash ]
344
00:15:33,666 --> 00:15:35,202
[ Sandy yells ]
345
00:15:35,235 --> 00:15:39,139
[ Animals howling and hooting ]
346
00:15:39,172 --> 00:15:40,607
[ Bicycle bell rings ]
347
00:15:40,640 --> 00:15:42,575
So here I am,
348
00:15:42,609 --> 00:15:44,611
getting ready to execute
my latest plan.
349
00:15:44,644 --> 00:15:47,080
If I could just buy myself
a few hours,
350
00:15:47,114 --> 00:15:49,582
I could convince Sandy I was
sober enough to drive home.
351
00:15:49,616 --> 00:15:51,118
But the guy would be back
with the tape soon,
352
00:15:51,151 --> 00:15:52,485
and this time,
he would be ready
353
00:15:52,519 --> 00:15:54,187
for me to try
and smash it again,
354
00:15:54,221 --> 00:15:56,223
so I searched all over
your cabin for a weapon.
355
00:15:56,256 --> 00:15:59,159
**
356
00:16:13,506 --> 00:16:15,508
The only way I was
going to overpower this guy
357
00:16:15,542 --> 00:16:17,444
was to use
the element of surprise.
358
00:16:17,477 --> 00:16:20,313
So, taking a page
out of Sir Isaac Newton's book,
359
00:16:20,347 --> 00:16:21,581
I made my own cradle.
360
00:16:28,755 --> 00:16:32,025
When this ball hits his balls,
he'll drop the tape.
361
00:16:32,059 --> 00:16:34,461
Then I'll scurry down
and smash it again.
362
00:16:34,494 --> 00:16:37,464
That should buy me
some more time.
363
00:16:37,497 --> 00:16:40,133
Anyway, I'm writing all this
down in your guest book
364
00:16:40,167 --> 00:16:42,135
so you can give it to
the police in case he kills me.
365
00:16:42,169 --> 00:16:45,738
[ Footsteps approaching ]
366
00:16:45,772 --> 00:16:47,540
Hello?
367
00:16:47,574 --> 00:16:49,609
**
368
00:17:02,789 --> 00:17:05,092
Oh, shit.
369
00:17:09,662 --> 00:17:15,802
[ Bird calling in distance ]
370
00:17:15,835 --> 00:17:18,438
[ Whispers ] Hey.
371
00:17:25,378 --> 00:17:26,613
[ Snaps fingers ]
372
00:17:30,650 --> 00:17:32,152
[ Lips flapping ]
373
00:17:32,185 --> 00:17:34,421
Okay.
374
00:17:34,454 --> 00:17:35,855
[ Bird continues calling ]
375
00:17:35,888 --> 00:17:37,290
[ Heartbeat ]
376
00:17:37,324 --> 00:17:39,792
[ Sighs ]
377
00:17:39,826 --> 00:17:42,329
**
378
00:17:52,739 --> 00:17:58,145
Oh, boy. Okay. All right.
379
00:17:58,178 --> 00:18:01,114
[ Slurring ] Timmy!
There's my Timmy!
380
00:18:01,148 --> 00:18:04,651
Oh, my God, the guy at the store
was totally hitting on me!
381
00:18:04,684 --> 00:18:06,553
He said
my tits were leaking,
382
00:18:06,586 --> 00:18:08,221
but how would he know
my tits were leaking
383
00:18:08,255 --> 00:18:10,690
if he wasn't looking
right at 'em, right?
384
00:18:10,723 --> 00:18:12,425
[ Laughs nervously ]
I am on fire!
385
00:18:12,459 --> 00:18:13,526
[ Laughs ]
Mm.
386
00:18:13,560 --> 00:18:15,295
All right. Whoa!
387
00:18:15,328 --> 00:18:17,397
[ Glass shatters ]
Mmm! [ Smooching ]
388
00:18:17,430 --> 00:18:21,401
So, in the end,
things turned out okay.
389
00:18:21,434 --> 00:18:24,871
I was able to put
your bowling-ball lamp
back the way it was.
390
00:18:24,904 --> 00:18:27,140
The owl was a little trickier.
391
00:18:27,174 --> 00:18:31,378
This turned out to be
exactly the weekend
my wife and I needed.
392
00:18:33,513 --> 00:18:35,782
Thanks for sharing
your home with us.
393
00:18:35,815 --> 00:18:38,185
Your pal, John.
[ Seatbelt clicks ]
394
00:18:40,587 --> 00:18:41,921
P.S., that's not my real name.
[ Engine starts ]
395
00:18:41,954 --> 00:18:44,191
[ "I Need Never Get Old" plays ]
396
00:18:52,599 --> 00:18:54,801
[ Car alarm chirps ]
397
00:18:54,834 --> 00:18:57,337
Frank: Shit!
[ Pounding on trunk ]
398
00:18:57,370 --> 00:19:00,507
**
399
00:19:09,982 --> 00:19:12,452
* Can we be there
400
00:19:12,485 --> 00:19:14,621
* Oh, just think of the time
401
00:19:16,623 --> 00:19:19,292
* Thought of love so strange
402
00:19:19,326 --> 00:19:21,494
* Said you never knew
403
00:19:23,863 --> 00:19:26,866
* While I try my best
404
00:19:26,899 --> 00:19:28,835
* To cover our eyes
405
00:19:30,937 --> 00:19:35,174
* It's a common way to blame
and hide the truth *
406
00:19:37,744 --> 00:19:40,847
* I know that some will say
407
00:19:40,880 --> 00:19:44,317
* It matters but little, babe
408
00:19:44,351 --> 00:19:47,420
* Aw, but come on
and mean it to me *
409
00:19:47,454 --> 00:19:49,622
* I need it so bad
410
00:19:49,656 --> 00:19:51,591
[ Computer chimes ]
411
00:19:53,560 --> 00:19:56,896
* I needed to try
412
00:19:56,929 --> 00:20:00,600
* I needed it so
413
00:20:00,633 --> 00:20:03,336
* I needed your love,
I'm burning away *
414
00:20:03,370 --> 00:20:06,339
[ Door closes ]
* I need never get old
415
00:20:06,373 --> 00:20:07,807
Hello.
416
00:20:07,840 --> 00:20:09,442
Oh, hi.
417
00:20:09,476 --> 00:20:11,811
We're here to pick up the keys
for Froggy Cottage.
418
00:20:11,844 --> 00:20:14,347
Oh. Of course.
[ Keyboard clacks ]
419
00:20:14,381 --> 00:20:18,385
Let me, uh -- let me find
your reservations.
420
00:20:18,418 --> 00:20:20,587
[ Birds chirping ]
421
00:20:21,788 --> 00:20:23,523
Jeff: Are you sure you want
to go through with this?
422
00:20:23,556 --> 00:20:25,425
We could go to jail,
you know.
423
00:20:25,458 --> 00:20:27,460
Don't get soft
on me now, Jeff.
424
00:20:27,494 --> 00:20:29,329
We've got some heavy lifting
for the Lord to do.
425
00:20:29,362 --> 00:20:31,664
Our son is not marrying
an atheist.
426
00:20:31,698 --> 00:20:34,301
Okeydoke.
427
00:20:34,334 --> 00:20:36,303
[ Ominous music playing ]
30564
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