All language subtitles for S03E05 - Lovebird

Previously on "resident alien".

I have not told you anything.

You are nothing to the greys.

I do not think they
will let you live.

The greys will harness the
intense power of the caldera.

But I do not know
why they are doing it.

They cannot live
long in earth's gravity.

At least let me
remember this time.

Peter trusted me.

If Peter trusted you,

he would have given you the key.

Who better to fight aliens

than someone who can see aliens?

You're a blue avian.

Can I change?

I see Heather.

I know what this is.

My knees are weak, and
my palms are sweating.

I am in love.

The ball appears to be organic.

It can only be controlled
by the earth alien Harry.

Bring him to us.

Ooh, look!

The dumb humans look like ants.

You look so stupid on
your legs with no wings

on the dumb ground!

Our life is better than
yours in every way!

Attraction is simple physics.

All objects with mass
are drawn to each other

till they meet and
there is a release.

Heather and I have
become very close,

so the pull I feel
toward her is strong.

- This is a new shop.
- Ooh.

No. Harry, no.

- - Hey, hey, hey, hey!
- Come on, come on!

What are you doing?

The male bird of
paradise puffs out his chest

and performs an elaborate dance

to attract a female mate.

I have felt the pull
before, but not like this.

All I want is to be with her.

I do not even mind
that she never showers

and instead just splashes
around in a kiddie pool.

Hey, dad, have you seen Harry?

I haven't been
able to reach him.

Not in a couple days.

But it's been a good thing.

I get to sell my pies
instead of turning around

and noticing one
of them is gone.

You expecting Jay's mom?

So she asked if she could
stay with me for a while.

I didn't say yes.

I would never cross that
line without talking to you

after that first time
I crossed the line

- without talking to you.
- These are her medications.

One for stomach, one
for help concentrating,

and this is her retainer
that she never remembers

- to wear at night.
- So then

she already asked me. Yeah.

No, sorry, she told me.

I'm sorry. Are things
bad with you two?

No.

Right now, she's
just mad because

I told her she can't blow off
college to explore the world.

Which I totally
backed you up on.

You know Jay.

She's got this
new girlfriend now,

- and it's all about that.
- Yeah.

You want to go see Europe
with your girlfriend? Great.

You can go do that
after you get a degree.

Meanwhile, I'd rather
see her with you

while waiting for
acceptance letters

than in some
hostel in Amsterdam.

That is, if you're ok with it.

I... I'm happy to take
her. Not take her.

Not take her.

I... bad choice of words. I

I'm happy she has you.

Don't let her borrow
your phone charger,

or you'll never see it again.

Noted.

There you are. Where were you?

Asta, I am in love, and it
makes me want to dance.

My god, but it
didn't teach you how.

Ooh!!

Ellen.

Did you do something
with your hair?

It looks nice.

You might want to check
him for a head injury.

Thank you.

I have been trying to
reach you for three days.

I have been with Heather...

Having so much intercourse.

It is exciting to find
new places to have sex.

You should lock your
car doors, by the way.

We have a problem.

Mike and Liv have been searching

the alien tracker's Van and

wait, did have sex in my car?

No.

Yes, it was good!

But we only did it in the
back seat out of respect.

Ok, later we will talk
about boundaries.

But first, you were
the last person to use

the alien tracker's Van.

If Mike and Liv find your DNA,

they'll know that you were
with him before he died.

That's impossible.

I used over 40 wet wipes
from a barbecue restaurant

on that Van and five on
myself. They will find nothing.

Also, where is this
Van? And is it locked?

You're not having
sex in the Van.

Not if I don't know where it is.

Did you clean all of it?

I think I know
how to clean a car.

Also, I just... I
just remembered,

- I forgot to clean your car.
- Gross!

You're so stressed out.

You should chill, girl.

You should be more like Heather.

Ok, I am stressed out
because the end of the world

might be happening,
but actually,

I'm really happy
that you're happy.

- I am happy.
- Well, good.

But life is about balance.

So you can have a girlfriend
and work on the mission.

Fine.

I will go visit the
sheriff and the deputy

and then make sure
that they know nothing.

Thank you.

You should invite
Heather and me to dinner.

You will like her.

Ok. I can do that.

And make a lot of food.

Whoever said "eats like a bird"

never took a bird to Sushi.

God, really? Here?

No.

Look like some kind of
chemical formula, right?

What for, I have no
idea. But whatever it is

it's important
enough to kill over.

Damn, deputy, I
was gonna say that.

I done waited my
whole career to be able

to say that something was
important enough to kill over,

and I set myself up,
and you just jump in.

I'm sorry. I didn't know.

You could say
something else like,

"whatever it is, it's
a recipe for death."

See? That's even better.

And I can't say that now

because you just said that too.

This is a nightmare.

Knock, knock.

Dr. Vanderspeigle.

What, you done stopped
by to ruin my day too?

No.

I just came by to see how old

deputy mustache's
pinworm medication

was working and decided
to visit my old friends.

I don't think you're
allowed to tell us

about Fred's medication.

You caught me.

Now you have to tell me
a secret about your job.

Are there any fun crimes
that you can share?

Well, miss Kim's cat flushed
her dentures down the toilet.

Is that fun enough for you?

Picturing a cat with dentures.

It's very fun.

- Her dentures, not the cat's.
- Then no.

It has been two minutes, and
they have not arrested me yet.

I am safe.

Hey, doc, you must
know chemistry.

You recognize this formula?

- Where did you get this?
- Why? What is it?

It is a compound
with an alien element.

A grey element.

- Sugar. Sugar.
- Sugar?

It seems kind of long for sugar.

Well, it is a special sugar,

the kind that they used to
make the chocolate sauce

that traps ice cream
in a hard shell,

you know, that
keeps the ice cream

from dripping on your hand,
and you knock on the shell

and say, "ice cream,
are you in there?"

- Because you do not know.
- He's joking.

- Sir, he's making a joke.
- Ok.

Yes.

Making a joke and
definitely not memorizing

this formula with my eyes.

I lied.

I am memorizing it
because this formula

may be the key to
understanding the greys' plan.

And now I want ice cream.

Why are we supporting this?

Harry can't date that bird.
He should be saving the earth.

Well, he can do both.

And Heather's portal is fixed,

so she should be
leaving soon anyway.

Just let him have some fun.

We're not having fun.

We are choosing to be single
until we finish our mission.

Is that why we're single?

God, I hope so.

Hi. Heather!

So happy you could join
us. You are right on time.

We were outside.

We saw you bring out
the food, so we came in.

Well, you didn't have to wait.

We weren't waiting.

We were screwing
in that tree over there.

Yeah, right over there.

Ok, well, probably gonna
want to wash your hands?

- No, thanks.
- No, I do not.

Great.

- Wait, what is that smell?
- Pretty great?

I made feta salad,
brown rice, fresh veggies,

and I made a
roast chick... beef.

- My god.
- Made a chick beef.

- My god.
- Did you cook a bird carcass?

- How dare you?
- God, I'm so sorry, Heather.

We don't normally
have bird guests,

- so we weren't thinking.
- It's ok.

It's an honest mistake.

I am so sorry,
my little sparrow.

Luckily, we brought
our own food.

- Thank you.
- So nice of you.

So

Heather, um,

I hear that you two
are having a lot of fun.

Yeah, I love your
car. Smells like pine.

Or it used to smell like pine.

So the portal is fixed.

You probably have to
get back to work soon?

Yeah. We'll be
going pretty soon.

- We?
- Yes.

Heather's leaving, and so am I.

We are moving
to her home planet!

What do you mean you're
going to her home planet?

What about your special project,

you know, um,
in the grey folder?

You mean Harry's secret mission

to stop the greys from
destroying the earth?

- She knows?
- You told the bird?

I should tell you,
my noun is avian.

This is why we are so close.

We do not keep secrets from
one another like humans do.

That is why you will
never know true love

and why you will end
up lonely spinners.

- Well, it's spinsters.
- Why would you correct him?

- No idea.
- Don't be upset you two, ok?

Harry and I, we tell
each other everything.

For instance, I know
you touched his penis.

What?

We were trapped in a crevasse,
and he was seriously injured.

Well, he says you lingered.

What the hell?

You know what you did.

- And what'd he say about me?
- He did not mention you.

Just the stuff about
asta groping him,

and that that was
very triggering for him,

very traumatic,

and how the town mayor
has been abducted by greys.

- Ben's been abducted?
- What?

- When?
- Do not worry.

They bring him back every
time, and he remembers nothing.

Why would you not
tell us this sooner?

Because that is
privileged information

between a patient and
a doctor, and the avian

that his doctor
is having sex with

in the front seat of your car.

I lied about only
doing it in the back.

Stop having sex in my car.

Now you really
can't leave earth.

You've got to stay here
and get rid of the greys.

No, I don't.

Once I figure out
what the greys' plan is,

I just need to give the general

everything she
needs to defeat them.

Psst.

That is...

Caw!

Mwah, mwah, mwah.

What?

Hey, it's.

I have to go to the bathroom.

I will chaperone you
like a human male

in a false show of protection.

Excuse us.

Yeah.

What the hell?

We have to tell Ben.

No, we can't.

It will expose Harry.

Promise me you will
not tell him anything.

Fine.

Thank you.

And now they're having
sex in our bathroom.

That's your bathroom.

I'll be using the gym.

Hey. What are you two up to?

Helping Max build
a suspension bridge

for his science project.

Making good progress,
and it is a great way

to spend time together.

A little father-son bonding.

Whole day wasted.

You know, it doesn't look
like you're helping him.

It looks like you're
doing it for him.

Nope. Nope. Just inspecting.

You know, barely did anything.

You know, Max is all
over it, aren't you, buddy?

I said, aren't you, buddy?

I'm kind of in the
middle of something.

Get to work.

I already had a project,
but dad threw it out.

It was a bag of moldy bread.

It was literally trash.

Make your own project, ok?

And one that takes
more effort than just

watching something rot.

You know there's a
whole website where

you can rate teachers, right?

Do your worst.

I already have the
worst rating in the school.

Honey

Max isn't going to learn if
we do everything for him.

I know.

I just panicked when I
saw he was gonna turn in

a bag of moldy bread.

I was picked on as a kid.

I don't want Max to have
to go through that, too.

Kids wouldn't pick
on him for that.

They'd think he was
cool for not caring

about science class.

I mean, unless they're nerds,
but who cares what they think.

They're dorks.

You ever consider taking
a sabbatical from teaching?

Every day.

Slow down!

Ben?

Come on, this way.

Not so fast!

Ben!

Ben!

If Harry can have his bird over,

I should be able to have a cat.

Ok, I am not allergic to birds,

and you don't have to
clean up after them, normally.

At least cats don't
have sex in your car.

God. We have to do something.

Goliath made it very clear
that Harry and the general

have to save the
planet together.

So he can't leave.

I guess we have
to break them up?

Yes!

Harry's like a teenager in heat.

The only way is to
get rid of Heather.

I like where your mind's going.

How big of a snake do you
think we need for a bird that size?

I meant talk to
Heather and get her

- to break up with Harry.
- Talk to her.

Snake is back-up, got it.

Hey, quick question. Random.

How would you feel if
Jay moved in for a bit?

Who's at the door?

Funny story. Jay asked
if she could move in.

And then I talked to her
mom, and she said yes,

so I got really
excited about it,

and then I told Jay that she
could stay with us for a while

without talking to
you first. I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry.

- Hey, roomies.
- Hi.

Hey, Jay. We're getting a cat.

Nice.

Dr. Vanderspeigle wasn't lying

about this chocolate sauce.

Makes it fun when
you're not sure

the ice cream's under there.

Well, you bought it
at the ice cream shop,

so I think you are sure.

Well, now I am.

What the hell?

"Patience isn't safe

with deputy beam-me-up
baker in charge."

Don't listen to that.

Clearly, the perpetrator is
not working with a full deck

if they think you
in charge. Look.

Found this chemistry
professor up at cu Boulder.

I checked him out. He
seems to know his stuff.

I said we pay
him a visit and see

if he recognizes the formula.

- No.
- What do you mean, no?

The note is right.

People are in danger
because of me.

And worse, I got wrapped
up in chasing aliens

and led innocent
people to their death,

like Dr. Beasley,
that therapist.

- That's not true.
- Yes, it is.

If I didn't contact
Peter to let him know

there was an alien here,
he never would have come,

and he'd be alive right now.

Everyone I involve
in this gets hurt.

You're better off
handling it without me.

- What?
- And I'm keeping the balloons.

Deputy. Deputy?
Don't start that car.

Don't put this car in reverse.

Do not drive down that street.

Ok, but I'm not gonna save
you any of this ice cream!

It's actually under here!

Just the man I'm looking for.

Lena. Hi. Everything ok?

You tell me.

I kept tabs on the
woman whose prints

you asked me to run. I
just saw she was murdered.

Look.

I knew if I called, you
would just say were fine

or not pick up at all,
since you tend to do that.

I guess I deserve that.

We both know where
there's smoke, there's fire,

even if the flames aren't
big enough for you to see yet.

I wanted to see your
face when we spoke.

I need to know
that you understand

what you're
getting yourself into.

I appreciate that.

But you don't have
to worry about me.

I'm fine.

Ok.

But thanks for
worrying about me.

It's just what I'd do
for any colleague.

How about you?

How are you doing?
How's your boy?

Ok.

Good luck with your fire.

Yeah. I'll be fine.

I've got my fire
retardant clothes.

- Great.
- Great.

Great.

What do you want?

Where is he?

I have obtained most components

of the compound
from the military lab.

Now all I need from
here is the grey element.

The formula has a
carbon-15 isotope

not found on earth.

The greys are known to use it

in their highly
advanced technology,

like their waterless dishwasher

and this spaceship.

I just saw that documentary
that you were in.

It's fascinating.

I mean, especially all
that stuff about owls.

- Is that a real thing?
- Yeah.

Actually, a lot of experiencers
randomly see owls.

Most of us believe
those are actually

false memories planted to
cover up an alien abduction.

- Really?
- Wait, are you seeing owls?

Do you think you've
been abducted?

No, no, no. No, no.

Not me. No, I'm just curious.

Like... like hypothetically,

how would someone know for sure?

Well, owls aren't
the only signs.

Someone might
have weird bruising,

lost time you can't account for.

Some people even find tiny chips

in their skin that aliens
use as a tracking device.

If you ever do feel like
you've been abducted,

you can always
talk to me about it.

I will, sure.

- Promise?
- Yes.

- I want to be abducted.
- You do?

No.

Yes.

There's an experiencer
support group

in braddock that I
go to sometimes.

If you're ever curious,
you should come by.

Yeah, thanks. Yeah, I'm good.

Yeah, I'm good.

You can't just go in
there whenever you like.

There's protocol.

Well, I, got the final
ingredient for my formula.

You will be happy to
know I got the matter.

Good.

But you're supposed to
say, "what is the matter?"

And then I say, "I don't know.
What's the matter with you?"

Is this all just a joke to you?

No. Just the joke parts.

Do not worry.

I will get to work and find out
what the greys are doing here

as soon as I get the henway.

What's a henway?

Well, about six pounds.

That's enough.

Let me tell you something.

You might think it's
funny, but the whole world

is depending on you.

Here we go.

Sorry, I know you can't hear me

because your brain doesn't work.

But let's see what I
can do about your vision.

It works.

Thank you for meeting with us.

We really feel bad
about the other night.

I don't think I was
at my best, either.

Meeting the two
people closest to Harry,

I was nervous.

I'm not really great
with other women.

You don't like women.
Bit of a guy's gull.

- Will you stop it?
- I don't think I can.

Anyway, we want to talk to
you about something on earth

we call girl code.

It says that women have to
be honest with each other.

But not with men?

No.

Girl code is when

we warn each
other when one of us

is about to make a huge
mistake like you are with Harry.

I don't understand.

Well, think about it.

He's in trouble, and he's
asking you to help him out,

but you have to break the rules,

and pretty soon,
you'll be on the run

with him like that movie.

Have you ever seen
"Bonnie and Clyde"?

We're 60 light years
behind you guys,

so we're just now getting
Chuck Berry music.

In 30 years, you're gonna want

to look out for the pixies.

You might not be sure at first,

but stick around
for "Doolittle."

"Bossanova" is
actually also kind of sick.

You know, I'm
gonna make you a list.

- Ok.
- Um, what we're saying is,

do you really want
to spend your life

- with a guy you barely know?
- Yeah.

I mean, how many
kids does he have?

- What, 300?
- 400.

Yeah. And never sees 'em.

Most of them are dead.

And have you met his
other friends, ever? No.

- Because he only had one.
- Right.

- Killed him and ate him.
- That is not true!

I did not murder 42, a dog did.

And I only ate him
because it was his last wish.

I changed the
recipe a little bit,

but it said salt to taste, so

what are you doing here?

We told you, we
don't keep secrets.

Ok.

Ok, we said some mean
things just now, Harry,

but it's really because
we care for you.

We want to help you.

Help.

You never help anyone
for them. You do it for you.

Because you think
helping is the only reason

anyone will love you,

so you go around looking
for broken and needy people

to help, which is
perfect that this stray cat

showed up at your door.

Except she cannot
give love back.

She can only take more and more,

because she is a pit
of need with no bottom,

a sun at the center
of her own universe,

incapable of caring about
anyone else but herself.

- Ok, well that's...
- accurate? Yes.

Seems absolutely accurate to me.

It's like infallible math.

You will never know a
love like Heather and I.

- And I feel sorry for you both.
- Harry.

- You want to get out of here?
- Yeah, let's get out of here.

Let's go be in love
somewhere not around hate.

I do want those
music recs, though,

- if you get a chance.
- Ok.

Chemistry is a delicate balance.

When you mess with the
balance, things explode.

It is like asta and her
red raggedy sidekick.

Asta lied to her
about my alien identity,

and the imbalance nearly
ended their friendship.

Now my friendship with
asta has exploded too.

It is her fault. I do not care.

The formula is now complete,
and I will be leaving soon.

That will be asta
coming to apologize,

probably with a pie.

I will get rid of her,
but I will keep the pie.

- I need your help.
- What?

Whoa, cool volcano.

That is not a volcano.

That is a caldera.
You were there.

Did you not hear the raccoon?

Is this what makes it blow up?

Hey! Do not touch that.

Harry, come to bed. Ew.

Hey, you're the alien
lady from the diner.

You told him who I am?

He is one of those
statistical annoyances

that can see through
our genetic disguises.

- Such a pest.
- Yeah, they're the worst.

Get out of here, pest. Shoo!

Yeah, yeah. Hit
the bricks, ya freak.

No, the science fair's today,

and you have to help
me make a project.

I don't have to help you.

You need to get out of
here before my girlfriend

pecks a hole in your face.

Time to go, human child.

- You guys are mean.
- Make like a kleenex.

Put a little boogie on it.

Well, that turned me on.

Would you like something
to drink, my love bird?

- Nectar.
- Nectar?

I barely knew her.

Son of a bitch!

Ok. Stand by your projects, ok?

Ok, kids, the judges are
gonna be coming around,

so get ready to answer
some questions, ok?

- All right, Mrs. Hawthorne.
- The deer looks

it's a bear.

Hey, check out Max's project.

Max, our son.

You did this all by yourself?

Well, I can't lie. Yes, I did.

That little shit does not
know what he's done.

Even I do not know the
effects of the grey compound.

His stupidity may
put others in danger,

or worse, ruin my caldera.

I finally got the
color just right.

So, Max, what is a caldera?

- That's right.
- I'm sorry?

That's the project.
People have to guess.

What is a caldera?

- Do you know?
- Of course, I know.

- I'm a science teacher.
- Great!

- Tell me.
- No, you tell me.

I'm sorry.

That's not a good enough answer.

Dr. Vanderspeigle. Hi.

Where is your son?

He is right over there,
next to his caldera.

- Isn't it great?
- He stole it from me.

Of course, he did.

How about a demonstration?

I am too late.

- Come on, let's go.
- Sorry, buddy.

We were just about
to see your caldera.

- He stole it.
- Of course, he did.

- Max.
- I know, I'm grounded.

Yeah, I was pretty
sure he stole it all along.

Yeah, me too. Are
we bad parents?

We're not great.

Is this it?

Is this the only thing the
greys' compound does?

Just create smoke?

Gravity.

The scrawny greys cannot survive

in earth's gravity.

This is what they want...
not to destroy the earth,

but to change its atmosphere
and gravitational pull

so only they can survive
and have it to themselves.

That faint one there
is Mars, the god of war.

And over there is Venus,

the gentle goddess of fertility.

Wow.

What's that? Let's go.

Asta, Kayla, come on.

- Cool!
- Wait up!

- Hey, hey.
- Slow down!

- Come on, this way.
- Not so fast.

Ben!

That's a terrifying dream.

Not a dream. Remember?

Liv said she saw
a ufo that night.

The greys were there.

They took Ben.

I don't think I was
supposed to remember,

but maybe something Harry said

made the memory
come back somehow.

- I don't... - my god, that's horrible.
- I know.

And what did I do? Nothing.

You were ten.

And you didn't even
remember until now.

It doesn't matter. I
should have known.

I've been so focused
on my own shit

that I can't even see when
one of my friends needs help.

You know, Harry was
right. You heard him.

I'm just a selfish asshole
who only thinks about myself.

- Yeah.
- Yeah?

Yeah, no, I heard
him. I was there.

Yeah, but you have to agree.

Otherwise, you would
have said "no," not "yeah."

I disagree, ok?
Harry was just mad.

I mean, he said that
I only help people

so they'll love
me. That's bullshit.

- Yeah, I know.
- What was that?

- What was what?
- You hesitated.

- Did not.
- You did.

I'm a nurse, ok? I help people.

- So sorry.
- Ok, stop. Stop.

The plan was to break
up him and Heather, not us.

Right, I'm sorry. Yes. Sorry.

Look, if I don't tell Ben,

then Harry will definitely
be right about me.

You cannot tell him.

I wasn't there for him
then, but I could be there

- for him now.
- You cannot tell him.

He has a family, a life.

He's happy, for Ben, anyway.

And if you tell him,
it could possibly

help him?

Ruin his life.

Sometimes when
we try to help people,

it's not really for them.

Here's your order, asta.

- Thanks, Kim.
- You're welcome.

Jay asked me to
get her some dinner.

- I am her mother.
- I know!

Get that look off your face.

But... what?

All right, Joseph,
I know it's you.

Come on out. We
can talk about this.

Joseph?

Some people even find
tiny chips in their skin

that aliens use as
a tracking device.

Hey, buddy.

Hey. What's going on?

Nothing, just in
the neighborhood.

I thought I'd drop by.

Just a friend
checking on her friend.

- Yeah, how are you doing?
- Yeah, fine.

It feels like maybe this
could have been a phone call.

You know who shows up in person?

Real friends do.

That's who.

I thought I'd throw
this out there.

If you, Kate, ever
want, like, a date night,

I'm here for you.

I could come over and babysit.

Well, the last time you babysat,

I found an empty wine
bottle in the bathtub.

Doesn't need to be babysitting.

Could be anything, really.

You know, airport rides,
groceries, you know.

Give this thing a tune.

Take it easy. It's late.

I know it's late.

I just want you to
know I'm here for you.

I really am.

Whatever you need.

Are you sure you're doing ok?

Yeah. Yeah, sure.

Of course.

What was that?

Did you say something
about camping?

- No.
- Weird.

Could have sworn you did.

You remember those camping trips

we used to take up on the Ridge?

- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.

And that time we were
kids, and you saw something,

and we all chased
after it, like a light.

Yeah, sort of. But
there wasn't anything.

Or was there, right?

- There wasn't.
- Or was there?

I can play this game all night.

But wouldn't it be weird
if something did happen

and you were
forced to forget it?

You know, like,
abducted by aliens.

Wow.

You wouldn't even know about it.

Yeah, yeah. That
would be pretty weird.

But you were abducted
by aliens that night.

Or were you? Just kidding.

But you were.

And I wasn't there for you then,

but I'm here for you now.

I'm sorry, do you...
are you being serious?

You really think I was
abducted by aliens?

Let's bring this full circle.

You were abducted by aliens.

I can't tell you how I
know, but I do know.

And I'm here for
you now as a friend,

a good friend.

Ok.

God, I feel good.
Do you feel good?

- Never better.
- Great.

- Whoo-hoo!
- Whoo-hoo-hoo!

The greys know
where your family lives.

You will do what we
say, or we will kill them all.

You understand?

Good.

You work for the greys now.

You are gonna help us
get Harry's alien DNA.

Why? Why are you doing this?

Because we do what we want.

And once you give
me what I need,

you will leave the
planet without Harry

and you will never
see him again,

or we will kill him too.

Ok.