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1
00:00:55,417 --> 00:00:58,875
I am Satan,
king of all that is evil.
2
00:00:58,917 --> 00:01:03,292
In the name of God almighty,
I cast ye back to hell!
3
00:01:03,750 --> 00:01:08,917
I command thy putrid spirit be
banished from this child's soul.
4
00:01:08,958 --> 00:01:12,708
Never! The girl is mine!
Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine.
5
00:01:12,833 --> 00:01:17,750
- Don't you stick your tongue out at me!
- Aw, I'll do what I damn well please.
6
00:01:17,792 --> 00:01:20,792
- Stop your cursing!
- Make me, slime ball.
7
00:01:20,833 --> 00:01:22,833
I am a priest!
8
00:01:22,833 --> 00:01:26,667
Oh, pardon me, your
reverend and holy slime ball.
9
00:01:27,083 --> 00:01:31,875
- How about these, pops?
- I command you, close your blouse!
10
00:01:31,875 --> 00:01:33,250
Watch this, bud.
11
00:01:34,000 --> 00:01:36,958
Put down that crucifix!
12
00:01:36,958 --> 00:01:40,250
Ohh, I love it!
13
00:01:40,792 --> 00:01:45,042
Stop it! I command you:
Be gone, Satan!
14
00:01:45,292 --> 00:01:48,792
Be gone, demon!
15
00:01:48,833 --> 00:01:51,833
No!
16
00:01:51,917 --> 00:01:56,375
Mother! Mother!
17
00:01:56,750 --> 00:01:58,250
Mother!
18
00:01:58,667 --> 00:02:01,000
Father, is it all over?
19
00:02:02,250 --> 00:02:03,958
Is Nancy all right?
20
00:02:06,708 --> 00:02:07,958
Bless you.
21
00:02:08,125 --> 00:02:10,375
Father, how can I
possibly thank you?
22
00:02:20,375 --> 00:02:22,750
- Mayii?
- Aah!
23
00:02:24,417 --> 00:02:25,417
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
24
00:02:25,750 --> 00:02:28,167
Aah! Ha, ah, ha!
25
00:02:28,208 --> 00:02:29,708
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
26
00:02:29,750 --> 00:02:32,458
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
27
00:02:32,500 --> 00:02:34,042
Ew! Ooh!
28
00:02:34,083 --> 00:02:35,500
Ooh, ooh! Aah!
29
00:02:35,542 --> 00:02:36,542
Aah!
30
00:02:42,667 --> 00:02:44,417
Ooh.
31
00:02:47,917 --> 00:02:50,875
I'll be back!
32
00:02:51,167 --> 00:02:52,750
Ooh!
33
00:02:53,500 --> 00:02:55,500
Oh, shit.
34
00:02:58,125 --> 00:02:59,792
Ooh.
35
00:04:55,500 --> 00:04:57,417
- Ah, Adams?
- Here.
36
00:04:57,708 --> 00:04:59,500
- Blaine?
- Yes, Father.
37
00:05:00,042 --> 00:05:01,958
- Grigsby?
- Here, Father.
38
00:05:10,708 --> 00:05:13,333
Good day to you.
I am Father Mayii.
39
00:05:13,625 --> 00:05:16,625
And I would like to
welcome you to the seminar.
40
00:05:17,125 --> 00:05:22,500
I am here to discuss an incident
in my life that first destroyed,
41
00:05:22,542 --> 00:05:26,958
and then renewed my
belief in divine intervention.
42
00:05:27,750 --> 00:05:29,708
17 years ago,
43
00:05:30,125 --> 00:05:35,708
a young girl was a victim of an
episode of demonic possession,
44
00:05:35,917 --> 00:05:39,042
and I was called in
to rescue her soul.
45
00:05:40,208 --> 00:05:44,333
Now, that battle left me
broken physically, and mentally.
46
00:05:46,458 --> 00:05:49,875
But recently, my faith
has been renewed.
47
00:05:50,667 --> 00:05:54,625
And I believe that even the
most cynical among you here
48
00:05:55,042 --> 00:05:58,208
will find this story
49
00:05:59,000 --> 00:06:00,458
inspiring.
50
00:06:02,917 --> 00:06:06,125
Young lady, would you
pull down your dress?
51
00:06:06,167 --> 00:06:07,250
Sure.
52
00:06:09,208 --> 00:06:10,250
Up!
53
00:06:10,333 --> 00:06:11,792
Ooh.
54
00:06:19,250 --> 00:06:23,167
I had long since lost
track of the child Nancy.
55
00:06:23,167 --> 00:06:25,917
She had grown to
womanhood and got married,
56
00:06:25,958 --> 00:06:30,000
and had settled down with her
husband and 2 lovely children,
57
00:06:30,417 --> 00:06:35,375
in a picturesque neighborhood with
playful children and picket fences,
58
00:06:35,542 --> 00:06:36,958
and lots of Caucasians.
59
00:06:39,208 --> 00:06:41,625
So, for the fifth time,
this charity match
60
00:06:41,667 --> 00:06:46,667
between the Pro Hockey All-Stars, and Peggy
Hamill's Pals On Ice has turned ugly, Dan.
61
00:06:46,792 --> 00:06:50,000
Yeah, and it was Rusty The
Rooster who started it all with his-
62
00:06:50,042 --> 00:06:52,917
...for another episode of
"Bride's Head Revisited".
63
00:06:52,917 --> 00:06:54,208
At last.
64
00:06:54,417 --> 00:06:57,375
My dear, sweet, loving bride!
65
00:06:57,375 --> 00:06:58,792
Oh, my darling!
66
00:06:58,958 --> 00:07:00,625
Okay, kids, dinner's
almost ready!
67
00:07:00,667 --> 00:07:01,917
Turn off the TV!
68
00:07:01,958 --> 00:07:03,250
What are we having?
69
00:07:03,292 --> 00:07:07,542
Oh, your favorite...
Prime ribs, sweet potatoes, green beans
70
00:07:08,083 --> 00:07:09,625
and split pea soup.
71
00:07:13,708 --> 00:07:14,958
- Not again!
- Oh, mom!
72
00:07:15,125 --> 00:07:16,542
I hate split pea soup!
73
00:07:16,542 --> 00:07:17,792
You know we hate it.
74
00:07:17,875 --> 00:07:19,167
Mom, we hate it!
75
00:07:19,208 --> 00:07:21,333
I said they were
lovely children.
76
00:07:21,458 --> 00:07:24,250
At this point, they had
not taken acting lessons.
77
00:07:25,333 --> 00:07:27,667
Really, mom, I want
to change my name.
78
00:07:27,792 --> 00:07:29,958
All my girlfriends
think it's dorky.
79
00:07:30,083 --> 00:07:32,750
Oh, honey, but Frieda
is such a nice name.
80
00:07:33,042 --> 00:07:36,208
Not my first name.
My last name: Aglet.
81
00:07:36,333 --> 00:07:38,792
Come on! What's it mean, anyway?
82
00:07:39,833 --> 00:07:41,458
Well, Frieda, in the old days,
83
00:07:41,458 --> 00:07:45,583
Aglet meant he who puts those tiny
plastic things on the end of shoelaces.
84
00:07:45,625 --> 00:07:48,667
See, back then, a man's name
was the same as his occupation.
85
00:07:48,750 --> 00:07:52,042
Oh, like a man named Fred
Carpenter would build houses?
86
00:07:52,083 --> 00:07:54,458
- Mm-hmm.
- Or a Thomas Baker made bread?
87
00:07:54,500 --> 00:07:57,333
- Exactly.
- So, what did John Hancock do?
88
00:07:59,042 --> 00:08:01,292
Well, there were
some exceptions.
89
00:08:10,708 --> 00:08:15,083
Here's Ernest and
Fanny Rae Weller.
90
00:08:23,875 --> 00:08:25,625
Hey, bless you!
91
00:08:26,375 --> 00:08:29,625
God bless you!
92
00:08:30,292 --> 00:08:34,167
Welcome to Ernest and
Fanny's Miracle Hour.
93
00:08:34,250 --> 00:08:35,500
I am Ernest.
94
00:08:35,500 --> 00:08:36,958
And I'm Fanny.
95
00:08:37,208 --> 00:08:39,917
Oh, and you all
know little Fufu.
96
00:08:40,042 --> 00:08:42,125
Hi, Fufu!
97
00:08:42,208 --> 00:08:45,792
Oh, Fufu says,
"God bless you, everyone."
98
00:08:45,875 --> 00:08:47,833
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
99
00:08:48,250 --> 00:08:52,458
We have a terrific line-up of
inspiration for you on this program.
100
00:08:53,125 --> 00:08:57,000
As usual, we'll be reading some
passages from the good book.
101
00:08:57,167 --> 00:09:02,792
And just possibly, we will heal some
of our sickly, and/or crippled followers.
102
00:09:02,833 --> 00:09:08,000
And you know, Ernest, Fufu
just loves when you heal people.
103
00:09:08,125 --> 00:09:09,792
Fufu is a good dog.
104
00:09:10,000 --> 00:09:11,958
Why, you little shit!
105
00:09:12,042 --> 00:09:15,125
Zu. Shih-tzu.
106
00:09:15,333 --> 00:09:16,667
Ahh.
107
00:09:16,833 --> 00:09:18,875
- I don't want to watch this!
- No, way!
108
00:09:18,875 --> 00:09:21,042
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Come on, now.
109
00:09:21,417 --> 00:09:23,167
Okay, okay. I'll change it.
110
00:09:23,708 --> 00:09:25,208
Why, you little Fufu.
111
00:09:26,542 --> 00:09:28,125
That's strange.
112
00:09:28,750 --> 00:09:30,667
I don't know, maybe
the batteries are dead.
113
00:09:30,875 --> 00:09:32,000
I'll change them myself.
114
00:09:32,042 --> 00:09:35,958
We're going to defeat
the mightiest evil of all.
115
00:09:36,208 --> 00:09:38,708
The devil himself!
116
00:09:39,792 --> 00:09:45,625
Never forget that Satan constantly
surrounds us, with but one goal in mind:
117
00:09:46,333 --> 00:09:48,833
To steal your soul!
118
00:10:11,208 --> 00:10:13,042
Silence!
119
00:10:13,125 --> 00:10:16,542
One more word out of
you little sacks of shit,
120
00:10:16,833 --> 00:10:19,458
and there'll be no
more TV for you tonight!
121
00:10:22,000 --> 00:10:24,167
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
122
00:10:25,167 --> 00:10:26,417
Ahh.
123
00:10:29,167 --> 00:10:31,208
Oh! Ooh! Ooh.
124
00:10:32,667 --> 00:10:35,917
Oh! Oh, kids, I'm so sorry!
125
00:10:35,917 --> 00:10:37,417
I don't know what came over me!
126
00:10:37,458 --> 00:10:38,458
Oh!
127
00:10:40,208 --> 00:10:41,875
20 bucks says it's P.M.S.
128
00:10:43,583 --> 00:10:45,792
Make it stop! Make it stop!
129
00:10:45,833 --> 00:10:47,917
Aah! Make it stop!
130
00:10:47,958 --> 00:10:49,917
Aah! Make it stop!
131
00:11:00,333 --> 00:11:02,208
I hate that control.
132
00:11:04,292 --> 00:11:06,083
Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.
133
00:11:06,458 --> 00:11:08,333
Hey, don't be so
hard on yourself.
134
00:11:08,500 --> 00:11:10,000
I should've ducked.
135
00:11:11,875 --> 00:11:14,917
You have this thing checked out
by Dr. Hackett tomorrow, okay?
136
00:11:23,083 --> 00:11:26,292
Yep. Definitely P.M.S.
137
00:11:26,625 --> 00:11:31,542
I had no idea that Satan
had entered Nancy's body.
138
00:11:31,917 --> 00:11:34,583
And seized her soul once again.
139
00:11:35,083 --> 00:11:38,333
As a matter of fact, at that
time, I was so burned-out.
140
00:11:38,375 --> 00:11:43,000
As they say in California I couldn't
find my butt with both my hands.
141
00:11:44,125 --> 00:11:46,375
I took a sabbatical,
and I traveled.
142
00:11:46,958 --> 00:11:52,208
But no matter where I went, the memory
of that awful night kept haunting me.
143
00:12:00,250 --> 00:12:01,833
Oh, honey, I forgot
to grab my purse.
144
00:12:01,875 --> 00:12:03,417
- Let's go back.
- Oh, great.
145
00:12:03,625 --> 00:12:04,625
Terrific.
146
00:12:30,792 --> 00:12:32,625
- Ha, ha. Here?
- Yeah.
147
00:12:33,083 --> 00:12:34,625
- Now?
- Yeah.
148
00:12:40,167 --> 00:12:43,208
Oh, excuse me.
Are you getting off?
149
00:12:46,333 --> 00:12:49,708
Dr. Fingers, please
report to proctology.
150
00:12:49,833 --> 00:12:52,458
- Dr. Fingers.
- Oh, doctor? Dr. Hackett?
151
00:12:53,208 --> 00:12:54,708
Uh, no. I'm not a doctor.
152
00:12:54,875 --> 00:12:56,667
But I do play one on television.
153
00:12:56,667 --> 00:13:01,042
That's why I recommend new
buffer caps for fast-acting, long relief.
154
00:13:01,375 --> 00:13:02,458
You're lucky, Rick.
155
00:13:03,208 --> 00:13:06,500
Not many amputees are fortunate
enough to receive a transplanted arm.
156
00:13:06,583 --> 00:13:10,167
I know, but it's too bad that
wrestler had to die for me to get it.
157
00:13:10,250 --> 00:13:12,417
Call for Dr. Hackett!
158
00:13:12,458 --> 00:13:15,292
- Uh-oh. Got to go. See you in rehab.
- Sure doc.
159
00:13:15,542 --> 00:13:16,583
Ooh!
160
00:13:23,333 --> 00:13:26,667
- Oh, hello, Dr. Hackett.
- Hello, Nancy. Long time, no see.
161
00:13:27,292 --> 00:13:29,583
So, uh, what seems
to be your problem?
162
00:13:29,958 --> 00:13:32,333
Something came
over me last night.
163
00:13:32,333 --> 00:13:35,792
I just felt such...
incredible anger.
164
00:13:35,792 --> 00:13:38,292
And then, suddenly,
I vomited on my family.
165
00:13:39,875 --> 00:13:41,167
Hmm.
166
00:13:41,583 --> 00:13:42,792
Smooth or chunky?
167
00:13:42,833 --> 00:13:44,625
Uh, smooth.
168
00:13:44,958 --> 00:13:46,417
Oh, doctor, what could it be?
169
00:13:46,792 --> 00:13:50,542
Possibly the flu. I just had a
couple of cases of it come in today.
170
00:13:51,167 --> 00:13:53,583
I must admit that hospitals
have always frightened me.
171
00:13:53,625 --> 00:13:56,667
Oh, Nancy, relax. Relax.
172
00:14:01,333 --> 00:14:02,792
Hmm.
173
00:14:06,000 --> 00:14:07,333
Hmm.
174
00:14:09,333 --> 00:14:10,708
Hmm.
175
00:14:11,708 --> 00:14:13,167
So, what's wrong with me?
176
00:14:13,542 --> 00:14:18,083
Well, in a nutshell, I took a survey
of all the doctors gathered here.
177
00:14:18,333 --> 00:14:21,000
When I tallied their
opinions, the survey said:
178
00:14:21,667 --> 00:14:22,875
Good answer!
179
00:14:22,917 --> 00:14:24,042
Good answer!
180
00:14:24,333 --> 00:14:25,833
Good answer!
181
00:14:27,583 --> 00:14:29,625
Oh, dear Lord, why?
182
00:14:30,417 --> 00:14:37,083
I mean, after my exorcism, I, I've
strived to lead a good, clean, decent life.
183
00:14:37,667 --> 00:14:40,042
I haven't done
anything morally wrong.
184
00:14:40,792 --> 00:14:43,167
Oh, except watch
that Rob Lowe video.
185
00:14:44,292 --> 00:14:45,833
Just give me a sign.
186
00:15:00,042 --> 00:15:02,500
Oh, that's it!
187
00:15:05,750 --> 00:15:08,958
Nancy reached out
for the guidance of God.
188
00:15:09,000 --> 00:15:11,125
She discovered that
she was not the only one
189
00:15:11,167 --> 00:15:14,583
walking the streets in search of
the path of penitence and truth.
190
00:15:15,042 --> 00:15:18,000
God comforts even
the lowliest of them,
191
00:15:18,083 --> 00:15:21,000
Even though they lack
any shred of intelligence.
192
00:15:21,458 --> 00:15:23,125
The name's North, ma'am.
193
00:15:23,125 --> 00:15:24,792
I have a reservation.
194
00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:27,583
Let's see. Uh, yes. Mr. North.
195
00:15:27,917 --> 00:15:29,958
How long has it been
since your last confession?
196
00:15:33,000 --> 00:15:34,875
I don't recall, counsel.
197
00:15:35,208 --> 00:15:36,792
Okay, uh, please follow me.
198
00:15:38,333 --> 00:15:43,250
It was here she met Father Luke
Brophy, a dedicated young priest.
199
00:15:43,375 --> 00:15:45,208
He who gives of himself
200
00:15:45,917 --> 00:15:48,417
to someone other than himself
201
00:15:49,375 --> 00:15:51,375
will find that he shall receive
202
00:15:51,958 --> 00:15:53,750
from that someone.
203
00:15:55,542 --> 00:15:58,917
Something that, that,
someone other than he.
204
00:16:00,333 --> 00:16:01,667
Uh. Wait, um.
205
00:16:02,458 --> 00:16:04,250
Okay, he
206
00:16:05,542 --> 00:16:08,083
shall receive that which he gave
207
00:16:08,833 --> 00:16:11,375
of himself, which, uh
208
00:16:13,667 --> 00:16:15,250
I said he was dedicated.
209
00:16:15,292 --> 00:16:17,708
I did not say he was articulate.
210
00:16:18,042 --> 00:16:20,000
Look, just be
good to each other.
211
00:16:20,250 --> 00:16:22,042
Ohh! Ahh!
212
00:16:22,792 --> 00:16:25,042
With that in mind, I
will now ask our ushers
213
00:16:25,083 --> 00:16:27,083
to please pass around
the donation basket.
214
00:16:27,208 --> 00:16:28,417
Our church thanks you.
215
00:16:29,375 --> 00:16:32,167
Father Brophy was
a man of integrity.
216
00:16:32,250 --> 00:16:34,292
A man dedicated to his beliefs.
217
00:16:34,333 --> 00:16:37,292
A man about 5' 10"
in his stocking feet.
218
00:16:38,333 --> 00:16:41,875
It was Father Luke who would make
me once again come face-to-face
219
00:16:41,917 --> 00:16:48,333
with my nightmares, and would introduce
me to some very interesting Armenian food.
220
00:16:48,792 --> 00:16:52,375
As a matter of fact, it was at the
dinner table that he heard his mother say,
221
00:16:52,417 --> 00:16:55,625
"Luke, always wipe the rim."
222
00:17:11,667 --> 00:17:14,208
- Sister Brothers.
- Excuse me, Father.
223
00:17:14,250 --> 00:17:19,042
While tallying the donations, I came upon
this note with your name written on it.
224
00:17:19,083 --> 00:17:20,125
Thank you.
225
00:17:24,042 --> 00:17:26,000
- Father Mayii?
- Yes, yes?
226
00:17:26,167 --> 00:17:29,375
Is it true that priests and nuns
have orgies in the Vatican?
227
00:17:29,958 --> 00:17:30,958
What?
228
00:17:32,708 --> 00:17:38,458
Father Luke suffered from the burden
of self-doubt, always questioning himself.
229
00:17:38,708 --> 00:17:40,500
Was he good
enough to be a priest?
230
00:17:40,583 --> 00:17:43,042
Should he have
been a rabbi instead?
231
00:17:43,125 --> 00:17:45,625
After all, they do
have Sundays off.
232
00:17:45,625 --> 00:17:48,042
And the question that
nagged him the most:
233
00:17:48,292 --> 00:17:51,583
Why weren't there any
Japanese players in the NBA?
234
00:17:52,083 --> 00:17:56,125
Was it the hand of the almighty that
drew Luke to the phone that night?
235
00:17:58,125 --> 00:18:01,750
Or had he just forgotten to leave
his answering machine on again?
236
00:18:01,792 --> 00:18:02,792
Hello?
237
00:18:03,208 --> 00:18:07,583
Father Brophy? Hi, this is Nancy Aglet.
I'm the one that left you that note today.
238
00:18:08,292 --> 00:18:10,250
That's so strange.
I was just about to phone you.
239
00:18:10,250 --> 00:18:12,042
I hope I'm not disturbing you.
240
00:18:12,417 --> 00:18:14,000
I looked your name
up in the phone book.
241
00:18:14,042 --> 00:18:17,000
That's okay. Now, what's this about
your having a religious problem?
242
00:18:18,375 --> 00:18:20,083
Honey! Oh, sorry.
243
00:18:20,125 --> 00:18:21,667
Have you seen my
nose hair clippers?
244
00:18:21,875 --> 00:18:23,750
Um, they're in the, uh, cabinet.
245
00:18:26,167 --> 00:18:28,667
Listen, I really can't talk
about this over the phone.
246
00:18:28,792 --> 00:18:31,833
Is it possible you could come over
tonight, so we could speak privately?
247
00:18:31,917 --> 00:18:34,333
Uh, well, you see, it's my, uh-
248
00:18:34,333 --> 00:18:37,292
Please, Father.
It's very, very serious.
249
00:18:37,458 --> 00:18:39,000
Sure. Where do you live?
250
00:18:39,625 --> 00:18:42,917
I live at 733 Sex Drive.
251
00:18:43,542 --> 00:18:45,833
Thank you. Good-bye.
252
00:18:45,833 --> 00:18:46,833
Good-bye.
253
00:18:54,792 --> 00:18:57,500
Hey, let's play with the
mystic spirit board, okay?
254
00:18:58,958 --> 00:19:00,417
Enter, please.
255
00:19:05,083 --> 00:19:07,875
Well, welcome, Father.
I'm Braydon Aglet.
256
00:19:07,917 --> 00:19:10,625
- Hello.
- And these are my children Ned and Frieda.
257
00:19:10,667 --> 00:19:11,667
- Hi.
- Hi.
258
00:19:11,708 --> 00:19:13,083
Come on, dad, let's play!
259
00:19:13,208 --> 00:19:15,542
- Okay.
- Come on, dad, please, let's play.
260
00:19:15,542 --> 00:19:17,042
In a second.
261
00:19:17,042 --> 00:19:18,833
Now, Nancy said
you'd be dropping by.
262
00:19:18,958 --> 00:19:21,458
Something about her doing
some work with the church?
263
00:19:21,625 --> 00:19:23,250
Uh, something like that, yes.
264
00:19:23,292 --> 00:19:24,833
What should we
ask it first, dad?
265
00:19:25,208 --> 00:19:28,833
Oh, well, uh. Well, there's
something I've always wanted to ask.
266
00:19:29,500 --> 00:19:32,083
Will Ted Kennedy
ever become president?
267
00:19:41,708 --> 00:19:44,917
Ho ho ho! I guess not, eh, kids?
268
00:19:44,958 --> 00:19:45,958
Braydon,
269
00:19:46,000 --> 00:19:48,667
I thought we'd spoken about
using that thing in this house.
270
00:19:49,000 --> 00:19:51,833
I never want to see that
thing in this house again!
271
00:19:54,125 --> 00:19:58,333
Ohh! Oh, I'm so sorry!
272
00:19:58,542 --> 00:19:59,667
Ohh.
273
00:19:59,917 --> 00:20:05,250
Father, maybe we could go in
the other room and speak privately?
274
00:20:05,292 --> 00:20:06,333
Sure.
275
00:20:08,792 --> 00:20:10,542
It was, it was very
nice meeting you.
276
00:20:18,375 --> 00:20:21,000
I assume you don't want
your family knowing about this.
277
00:20:21,000 --> 00:20:22,208
No, I don't.
278
00:20:23,042 --> 00:20:25,417
No one knows what
happened to me in my past.
279
00:20:25,500 --> 00:20:27,583
And what I believe is
happening to me now.
280
00:20:27,792 --> 00:20:29,625
Okay, and what exactly is that?
281
00:20:31,417 --> 00:20:33,833
I believe I'm being
possessed by the devil.
282
00:20:35,000 --> 00:20:36,208
The devil?
283
00:20:38,750 --> 00:20:42,917
Mrs. Aglet, are you under any
kind of psychiatric care at all?
284
00:20:43,250 --> 00:20:47,083
I once gave my word never to show
anyone what you are about to see.
285
00:20:58,958 --> 00:21:00,833
High school debating champion?
286
00:21:08,208 --> 00:21:10,292
Papal seal of possession?
287
00:21:13,375 --> 00:21:15,000
Signed by the pope?
288
00:21:16,583 --> 00:21:17,583
Mrs.-
289
00:21:19,542 --> 00:21:23,125
Mrs. Aglet, I apologize,
but I guess I've always felt
290
00:21:23,125 --> 00:21:27,625
that these stories of demonic possession
were nothing more than religious folklore.
291
00:21:29,583 --> 00:21:33,875
Why did you call me? Why didn't
you contact the exorcist, Father Maggi?
292
00:21:34,000 --> 00:21:36,292
Mayii. Father Jedediah Mayii.
293
00:21:38,375 --> 00:21:42,083
Well, they say he retired from
the church right after my exorcism.
294
00:21:42,458 --> 00:21:45,292
What makes you think that
you're being possessed again?
295
00:21:47,125 --> 00:21:51,833
Satan's spirit flew right out
of my TV set and into my soul.
296
00:21:54,333 --> 00:21:55,375
Okay.
297
00:21:55,708 --> 00:21:59,750
Oh, no, I know it sounds
crazy, but it must be true.
298
00:22:00,583 --> 00:22:03,167
Father, please help me. Please!
299
00:22:04,792 --> 00:22:06,250
I'll do whatever I can.
300
00:22:06,917 --> 00:22:07,958
Here.
301
00:22:08,667 --> 00:22:09,958
Take this.
302
00:22:10,333 --> 00:22:11,500
It might help.
303
00:22:23,417 --> 00:22:25,375
Uh, I, uh.
304
00:22:26,125 --> 00:22:28,333
I got to go now, okay?
305
00:22:29,000 --> 00:22:31,583
You're not going
anywhere, scuzzball!
306
00:22:33,250 --> 00:22:35,708
Ah, ha, ha, ha, hal
307
00:22:41,625 --> 00:22:42,875
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
308
00:22:44,000 --> 00:22:45,583
This broad is mine!
309
00:22:45,625 --> 00:22:47,708
Do you understand?
The broad is mine!
310
00:22:47,750 --> 00:22:50,708
Dad! Mom's humping the priest!
311
00:22:51,250 --> 00:22:52,250
Die! Die!
312
00:22:52,292 --> 00:22:53,667
Holy-
313
00:22:55,125 --> 00:22:57,250
- Honey!
- Die, you slug!
314
00:22:57,417 --> 00:22:58,458
Die!
315
00:23:00,958 --> 00:23:02,542
Here's the, uh, camera,
316
00:23:02,708 --> 00:23:04,917
and the cassette
recorder that you asked for.
317
00:23:04,917 --> 00:23:05,917
Thank you.
318
00:23:05,958 --> 00:23:07,375
Father, what's going on here?
319
00:23:07,667 --> 00:23:10,208
I mean, we just had to tie
my wife down to the bed.
320
00:23:10,292 --> 00:23:12,667
I've never done anything
like that before in my life.
321
00:23:13,625 --> 00:23:16,042
Well, except that one time
when the kids were away at camp.
322
00:23:16,417 --> 00:23:18,958
Mr. Aglet, I don't know
what's wrong with your wife,
323
00:23:19,000 --> 00:23:21,458
but I'll certainly do
all I can to find out.
324
00:23:56,250 --> 00:23:57,458
Hello, Nancy.
325
00:24:02,667 --> 00:24:06,292
I must say, you certainly don't look
anything like you did a few minutes ago.
326
00:24:06,375 --> 00:24:07,667
I am the devil!
327
00:24:09,708 --> 00:24:10,750
Well.
328
00:24:12,250 --> 00:24:15,875
I guess that means that you and I have
gone from being friends to being enemies.
329
00:24:16,083 --> 00:24:19,167
I am far more powerful
than you can ever imagine.
330
00:24:21,000 --> 00:24:22,000
Maybe.
331
00:24:24,500 --> 00:24:26,750
However, you are but one being.
332
00:24:28,500 --> 00:24:31,542
I represent the belief
of far more people.
333
00:24:32,167 --> 00:24:35,708
Did you know that the Christian
religion has over a billion followers?
334
00:24:35,792 --> 00:24:38,958
Big deal.
So does the wheel of fortune.
335
00:24:39,667 --> 00:24:42,292
So, don't try to impress
me with numbers.
336
00:24:42,708 --> 00:24:45,708
I hate all forms of religion.
337
00:24:45,708 --> 00:24:48,875
And I hate all who do
not bow in my presence,
338
00:24:48,958 --> 00:24:51,125
no matter if they call
themselves a Baptist,
339
00:24:51,250 --> 00:24:53,250
a Protestant, a
Catholic, or a Jew!
340
00:24:53,375 --> 00:24:55,458
- Oh, God bless you.
- Silence!
341
00:24:56,208 --> 00:24:58,000
Watch yourself, boy.
342
00:24:58,583 --> 00:25:03,292
The last collar jockey who screwed with
me ended up with a dislocated shoulder.
343
00:25:04,667 --> 00:25:06,208
You can't frighten me.
344
00:25:07,625 --> 00:25:09,750
They found it in Baltimore.
345
00:25:11,792 --> 00:25:12,958
By the way:
346
00:25:13,292 --> 00:25:16,875
How would you like a little
souvenir from my last conquest?
347
00:25:19,833 --> 00:25:22,958
Father Brophy,
meet Father Mayii.
348
00:25:23,000 --> 00:25:25,333
I never thought that
looked like me, I, I-
349
00:25:25,375 --> 00:25:26,583
Does that look like me?
350
00:25:26,833 --> 00:25:28,667
I think it looks more
like Phil Donahue.
351
00:25:29,625 --> 00:25:31,792
You silly, weak fool!
352
00:25:32,375 --> 00:25:35,792
Putting so much faith in a God
you've never even seen before.
353
00:25:36,000 --> 00:25:40,417
I don't need to see him, for the Bible
says that God created man in his own image.
354
00:25:40,458 --> 00:25:41,458
Oh, yeah.
355
00:25:42,292 --> 00:25:44,708
Then how do you
explain Pee-Wee Herman?
356
00:25:45,458 --> 00:25:46,500
All right.
357
00:25:48,792 --> 00:25:52,542
If you really are the devil,
then why don't you prove it?
358
00:25:55,375 --> 00:25:57,750
How about you do
something supernatural?
359
00:26:01,250 --> 00:26:03,042
Not impressed, huh?
360
00:26:03,583 --> 00:26:05,333
Well, how about if I
361
00:26:06,750 --> 00:26:09,000
make the film break?
362
00:26:13,583 --> 00:26:15,958
Oh. Of, of course I love you.
Yeah.
363
00:26:16,667 --> 00:26:17,750
This evening, 8:30.
364
00:26:18,458 --> 00:26:19,708
Tonight? No, no.
365
00:26:19,833 --> 00:26:21,500
No feathers.
We'll use the whole chicken.
366
00:26:26,417 --> 00:26:27,458
Ahem.
367
00:26:27,458 --> 00:26:30,208
Father Brophy
was very disturbed.
368
00:26:38,208 --> 00:26:39,542
So, Father, what happened?
369
00:26:40,917 --> 00:26:44,083
It may sound unbelievable,
but my guess is that Nancy is
370
00:26:50,458 --> 00:26:51,875
possessed by the devil.
371
00:26:51,958 --> 00:26:53,792
- Yeah, I knew it!
- He said it's only a guess!
372
00:26:53,833 --> 00:26:55,500
I still say it's P.M.S.
373
00:26:56,250 --> 00:26:59,208
As Father Brophy drove
from the Aglet home,
374
00:26:59,375 --> 00:27:03,708
a great fear welled up
within him like a big sneeze.
375
00:27:03,917 --> 00:27:06,375
You feel it build,
but you know you can't stop it
376
00:27:06,417 --> 00:27:10,542
without making your ears plug up
and a bubble come out of your nose.
377
00:27:11,208 --> 00:27:14,375
How could he, a young,
inexperienced priest,
378
00:27:14,542 --> 00:27:17,417
do battle alone with
the dark Lord himself?
379
00:27:18,042 --> 00:27:21,792
Then, it came to him
like a sign from heaven.
380
00:27:23,125 --> 00:27:26,250
Hey, hey! I can't see nothing!
What are you doing up there?
381
00:27:26,292 --> 00:27:29,083
- What's going on?
- Is that you? Hey, get up!
382
00:27:31,333 --> 00:27:36,125
The young priest had read about
the exorcism I had performed in 1973
383
00:27:36,250 --> 00:27:39,417
as well as my 17-year
decline into oblivion,
384
00:27:40,292 --> 00:27:42,042
but he tried to call me anyway.
385
00:27:47,708 --> 00:27:50,833
Strangely, my number
kept ringing busy.
386
00:27:51,250 --> 00:27:53,583
Was it Satan's trickery at work?
387
00:27:53,917 --> 00:27:56,792
Or was it just my party line?
388
00:28:00,708 --> 00:28:04,708
If he had reached me, I would
have told him not to come.
389
00:28:04,833 --> 00:28:06,625
I was weak and tired,
390
00:28:07,292 --> 00:28:09,583
listless, out of sorts, and
391
00:28:09,875 --> 00:28:12,333
my stools were a little loose.
392
00:28:18,000 --> 00:28:20,792
- Sister, I'm looking for the room of-
- Hold out your hands.
393
00:28:21,583 --> 00:28:22,625
Excuse me?
394
00:28:22,708 --> 00:28:24,417
Hold out your hands.
395
00:28:28,167 --> 00:28:29,333
Ow!
396
00:28:29,458 --> 00:28:31,250
Don't run in the hallways!
397
00:28:33,583 --> 00:28:35,583
Now, what do you need?
398
00:28:35,917 --> 00:28:38,417
Which room is Father
Jedediah Mayii in?
399
00:28:38,542 --> 00:28:39,875
Upstairs on the left.
400
00:28:40,208 --> 00:28:41,250
Thank you.
401
00:28:43,250 --> 00:28:44,250
Ah, ah, ah!
402
00:28:49,667 --> 00:28:50,667
Ow!
403
00:28:53,083 --> 00:28:55,833
A fierce tornado smashed its
way through an unpopulated,
404
00:28:55,875 --> 00:28:57,958
uninhabited stretch
of barren desert today,
405
00:28:59,125 --> 00:29:01,125
causing no noticeable
damage to an unspecified...
406
00:29:06,708 --> 00:29:07,750
Yes?
407
00:29:08,000 --> 00:29:09,125
Who is it?
408
00:29:10,167 --> 00:29:11,458
Father Mayii?
409
00:29:12,000 --> 00:29:13,458
Yes, you may.
410
00:29:14,250 --> 00:29:17,375
Father, I'm Father Luke Brophy
from our lady of the evening.
411
00:29:17,458 --> 00:29:19,542
I'm terribly sorry for
coming by so late,
412
00:29:19,542 --> 00:29:21,583
but there's someone who
desperately needs you.
413
00:29:21,792 --> 00:29:23,792
Someone you helped
a long time ago.
414
00:29:24,000 --> 00:29:26,708
Someone I helped a long time ago?
Who?
415
00:29:26,958 --> 00:29:30,333
- Nancy Aglet.
- I don't, uh, recall the name.
416
00:29:30,500 --> 00:29:32,500
Well, then maybe
you'll recall her exorcism.
417
00:29:33,500 --> 00:29:34,792
Oh, good Lord.
418
00:29:35,708 --> 00:29:37,042
Oh!
419
00:29:37,917 --> 00:29:40,208
Little Nancy Velsmo.
420
00:29:40,458 --> 00:29:43,208
Oh, that poor child.
421
00:29:43,292 --> 00:29:44,708
That poor child.
422
00:29:44,750 --> 00:29:48,417
She barely survived
the exorcism, as did I.
423
00:29:49,250 --> 00:29:51,667
And you say that
she needs my help?
424
00:29:52,500 --> 00:29:54,042
I think Nancy has been...
425
00:29:58,667 --> 00:29:59,667
Repossessed.
426
00:30:01,083 --> 00:30:02,875
Repossessed?
427
00:30:09,667 --> 00:30:10,708
Repossessed?
428
00:30:11,375 --> 00:30:12,875
How can you be sure?
429
00:30:12,917 --> 00:30:15,208
She's displaying
all the main traits:
430
00:30:15,375 --> 00:30:19,917
An ungodly voice, maniacal
facial expressions, violent spasms-
431
00:30:19,917 --> 00:30:21,500
But that doesn't prove a thing.
432
00:30:21,750 --> 00:30:23,833
She could be
related to Joe Cocker.
433
00:30:24,958 --> 00:30:27,833
- No.
- Could it be she has P.M.S.?
434
00:30:27,875 --> 00:30:29,458
Father, I've seen her!
435
00:30:29,500 --> 00:30:31,917
She's suffering from
something unholy.
436
00:30:32,208 --> 00:30:35,042
Satan has taken her soul again!
You have to help her!
437
00:30:35,208 --> 00:30:37,458
- I can't.
- But you must!
438
00:30:37,708 --> 00:30:39,042
I can't!
439
00:30:39,167 --> 00:30:40,958
I said it, damn you.
440
00:30:42,708 --> 00:30:44,792
- Father, are you all right?
- It's my heart.
441
00:30:46,000 --> 00:30:48,667
It began at Nancy's exorcism.
442
00:30:48,958 --> 00:30:50,250
That's why I can't help you.
443
00:30:50,250 --> 00:30:52,708
If Satan should find me
in this weakened condition,
444
00:30:52,708 --> 00:30:55,833
he could take possession of my
soul and become even stronger.
445
00:30:55,875 --> 00:30:59,292
- But if you can't help her, who can?
- I don't know.
446
00:30:59,333 --> 00:31:00,333
I don't.
447
00:31:00,458 --> 00:31:02,042
I don't.
448
00:31:03,292 --> 00:31:05,750
But... good Lord, yes!
449
00:31:06,667 --> 00:31:08,125
You could do it.
450
00:31:08,208 --> 00:31:10,542
You're young. You're strong.
451
00:31:12,417 --> 00:31:13,667
Luke...
452
00:31:13,750 --> 00:31:15,542
It is your destiny.
453
00:31:15,708 --> 00:31:16,958
There's no way.
454
00:31:17,833 --> 00:31:20,125
You see, there's something
that I haven't told you.
455
00:31:20,458 --> 00:31:21,958
I think I've lost my faith.
456
00:31:22,417 --> 00:31:23,625
Luke!
457
00:31:23,875 --> 00:31:28,417
I never want to hear you
say anything like that again.
458
00:31:30,583 --> 00:31:32,125
Now, why...
459
00:31:33,167 --> 00:31:37,083
Why don't you
look at it like this.
460
00:31:39,000 --> 00:31:42,042
Maybe this is God's way
of reaffirming your faith.
461
00:31:42,250 --> 00:31:46,750
While you're saving Nancy's soul, you're
also saving your own soul at the same time.
462
00:31:46,792 --> 00:31:49,333
After all, God does work in
strange ways, doesn't he?
463
00:31:49,375 --> 00:31:51,417
Yes. Yes, he does.
464
00:31:52,042 --> 00:31:53,125
Good.
465
00:31:57,042 --> 00:31:59,083
You've given me a lot
to think about, Father.
466
00:31:59,708 --> 00:32:01,125
Good night, and, uh...
467
00:32:01,458 --> 00:32:03,667
- God bless you.
- God bless you, son.
468
00:32:05,083 --> 00:32:07,375
Now, you have a
great deal of work to do.
469
00:32:09,000 --> 00:32:10,042
And Luke...
470
00:32:10,542 --> 00:32:12,417
May the faith be with you.
471
00:32:19,833 --> 00:32:21,583
And this just in.
472
00:32:22,000 --> 00:32:27,625
Father Mayii has once again wormed
his way out of yet another exorcism.
473
00:32:31,125 --> 00:32:33,750
- Father Mayii.
- Yes?
474
00:32:34,667 --> 00:32:38,750
Wasn't it hard to live with yourself
after completely wimping out
475
00:32:38,792 --> 00:32:43,417
and allowing a wuss like Father Luke
to go up against Satan all by himself?
476
00:32:43,583 --> 00:32:46,000
I mean, didn't you feel
like a complete piece
477
00:32:46,042 --> 00:32:48,583
of gutless, spineless,
primordial slime?
478
00:32:52,333 --> 00:32:53,458
Next question.
479
00:32:54,375 --> 00:32:57,417
Luke knew little about
the ritual of exorcism,
480
00:32:57,458 --> 00:33:01,917
so he arranged for a meeting with the
supreme council for exorcism grantings.
481
00:33:05,750 --> 00:33:07,583
You looking for Father Luke?
482
00:33:10,417 --> 00:33:11,708
Wrong window.
483
00:33:11,833 --> 00:33:14,042
He's four windows to your right.
484
00:33:18,958 --> 00:33:22,042
His stomach was acting
up like a schnauzer in heat.
485
00:33:22,583 --> 00:33:24,125
Would they believe him?
486
00:33:24,417 --> 00:33:25,875
Would they mock him?
487
00:33:26,167 --> 00:33:28,333
Would they validate his parking?
488
00:33:29,667 --> 00:33:31,792
He turned to the
good book for comfort.
489
00:33:43,708 --> 00:33:44,708
Father Brophy?
490
00:33:45,167 --> 00:33:46,292
Please come in.
491
00:33:47,667 --> 00:33:50,083
Father Brophy,
I am Father Crosby.
492
00:33:50,833 --> 00:33:51,958
Father Stills,
493
00:33:52,542 --> 00:33:53,708
Father Nash,
494
00:33:54,167 --> 00:33:55,417
and Father Young.
495
00:34:14,875 --> 00:34:16,333
Ho-o!
496
00:34:21,875 --> 00:34:24,833
Does anyone know where-
Oh, there you are, Ernest.
497
00:34:24,958 --> 00:34:28,917
I'm sure you know Ernest
and Fanny Rae Weller.
498
00:34:29,208 --> 00:34:30,917
- Hello.
- Hello!
499
00:34:30,917 --> 00:34:34,458
Oh, Fufu says hello, too!
500
00:34:34,542 --> 00:34:36,750
Hi, Fufu!
501
00:34:38,042 --> 00:34:39,750
Sit, sit, sit, sit, sit.
502
00:34:39,917 --> 00:34:42,917
With all due respect, Father,
what are they doing here?
503
00:34:43,125 --> 00:34:44,833
The Wellers are our guests.
504
00:34:45,000 --> 00:34:49,250
It's all part of the interfaith exchange
program the church has adopted.
505
00:34:49,292 --> 00:34:50,292
I see.
506
00:34:50,292 --> 00:34:52,875
We understand that you
are presenting evidence
507
00:34:52,917 --> 00:34:55,667
regarding possible
demonic possession.
508
00:34:56,208 --> 00:34:57,250
Please begin.
509
00:35:30,917 --> 00:35:35,083
And for these reasons I
feel an exorcism is warranted.
510
00:35:35,208 --> 00:35:39,000
Do you have any further information
that we might want to consider?
511
00:35:39,292 --> 00:35:43,083
Did I mention that Mrs. Aglet
also gave me a little head?
512
00:35:49,875 --> 00:35:51,958
I pray you grant this exorcism.
513
00:35:52,542 --> 00:35:53,625
If I may?
514
00:35:56,583 --> 00:36:02,833
It is my opinion that he has indeed
proved that an exorcism is necessary.
515
00:36:02,875 --> 00:36:04,042
Furthermore,
516
00:36:04,917 --> 00:36:07,417
why don't we
televise this exorcism?
517
00:36:07,667 --> 00:36:08,958
Hmm.
518
00:36:16,500 --> 00:36:17,500
Come on.
519
00:36:23,500 --> 00:36:25,208
Well, Mr. financial advisor.
520
00:36:25,667 --> 00:36:27,125
What do you think of my plan?
521
00:36:27,167 --> 00:36:31,708
Ever since your little midnight
liaisons with that boy's choir went public,
522
00:36:31,750 --> 00:36:34,500
the ministry's contributions
have gone down dramatically.
523
00:36:34,667 --> 00:36:38,042
Your plan better net six
million dollars in two weeks,
524
00:36:38,083 --> 00:36:41,542
because if it doesn't,
the word on the street is...
525
00:36:42,000 --> 00:36:43,708
Your ministry is history.
526
00:36:45,792 --> 00:36:48,000
Aaron, why don't
you just lighten up.
527
00:36:50,375 --> 00:36:53,708
Come on, now, go get the ball from daddy.
Come on! Ha, ha!
528
00:36:53,917 --> 00:36:57,542
Oh, no. Oh, oh, Ernest!
529
00:36:57,583 --> 00:37:00,458
Look what I did to my new dress!
530
00:37:00,583 --> 00:37:04,000
And do you know how
much this cost our followers?
531
00:37:04,375 --> 00:37:06,750
Oh, no, just look at this mess.
532
00:37:06,833 --> 00:37:08,792
What am I gonna do?
533
00:37:12,292 --> 00:37:13,500
Fufu?
534
00:37:13,750 --> 00:37:15,000
Fufu?
535
00:37:15,792 --> 00:37:17,958
Ernie, where's Fufu?
536
00:37:20,875 --> 00:37:23,750
Bye, Fufu!
537
00:37:23,958 --> 00:37:25,458
So, Mr. Weller.
538
00:37:25,833 --> 00:37:28,000
They say you have a
great idea for my network.
539
00:37:28,125 --> 00:37:34,167
Well, Mr. Tartastein, this special is
called Ernest and Fanny's Exorcism Tonight.
540
00:37:34,458 --> 00:37:38,667
It will be broadcast live throughout
the entire world via satellite.
541
00:37:38,750 --> 00:37:41,083
It will air continuously
until the final outcome.
542
00:37:41,667 --> 00:37:44,583
All the commercial
proceeds go to your network.
543
00:37:44,958 --> 00:37:48,125
And all the phone donations
come to my ministry.
544
00:37:49,625 --> 00:37:52,500
You don't mind doing business
with the devil, do you, Mr. Tartastein?
545
00:37:52,542 --> 00:37:53,833
Ha. Are you kidding?
546
00:37:54,083 --> 00:37:55,958
How do you think Love
Boat got on the air?
547
00:37:57,167 --> 00:38:00,458
- So, do we have a deal?
- We have a deal.
548
00:38:00,458 --> 00:38:06,417
May Ernest and Fanny's Exorcism Tonight
be this network's biggest ratings bonanza!
549
00:38:13,250 --> 00:38:15,333
- Father Mayii?
- Yes?
550
00:38:15,375 --> 00:38:18,125
Have you adhered strictly
to your vow of celibacy?
551
00:38:18,500 --> 00:38:19,625
Yes, I have.
552
00:38:20,292 --> 00:38:21,375
Me, too.
553
00:38:21,458 --> 00:38:23,083
I'm not surprised.
554
00:38:23,208 --> 00:38:24,542
Mine was by choice.
555
00:38:28,625 --> 00:38:29,625
Mrs. Aglet?
556
00:38:32,083 --> 00:38:33,167
Heh, heh.
557
00:38:34,208 --> 00:38:35,708
Hear my words, demon.
558
00:38:36,208 --> 00:38:38,667
I will cast thee from
this poor woman's soul,
559
00:38:38,667 --> 00:38:42,917
because thou art the prince of
darkness, the epitome of all evil.
560
00:38:43,458 --> 00:38:45,833
Eat shit and die.
561
00:38:47,208 --> 00:38:50,208
Let's see Geraldo
Rivera top this.
562
00:38:52,000 --> 00:38:55,167
Wait till they get a load of me.
563
00:38:58,292 --> 00:39:04,167
I had no way of knowing the forces of
evil were growing ever more powerful.
564
00:39:04,292 --> 00:39:06,375
But somehow I sensed:
565
00:39:06,708 --> 00:39:09,250
It was not Nancy
Aglet the devil wanted.
566
00:39:09,708 --> 00:39:13,417
He wanted me, and,
by God, I had to be ready.
567
00:39:13,833 --> 00:39:17,167
So I decided to not
only revitalize my faith
568
00:39:17,292 --> 00:39:20,125
but to restore my
physical strength as well.
569
00:39:20,667 --> 00:39:22,458
As they say in
Greenwich Village...
570
00:39:23,667 --> 00:39:26,042
To tighten and tone my buns.
571
00:39:26,375 --> 00:39:28,583
Excuse me. Uh, I'm Father Mayii.
572
00:39:28,750 --> 00:39:31,583
- I called-
- Hey, padre! How you doin'?
573
00:39:31,833 --> 00:39:32,958
I've been expecting you.
574
00:39:33,125 --> 00:39:34,458
Are you ready for
the workout now?
575
00:39:35,000 --> 00:39:36,625
What are we gonna work on today?
Pecmans?
576
00:39:36,833 --> 00:39:38,083
Buttissimo?
577
00:39:38,083 --> 00:39:40,958
Ah, the old abba dabbas
look a little soft, huh?
578
00:39:41,042 --> 00:39:43,083
- I beg your pardon...
- First things first.
579
00:39:43,250 --> 00:39:45,125
- Let's put this on your wrist.
- What is that?
580
00:39:45,167 --> 00:39:47,333
Okay, this is a
digital heart monitor.
581
00:39:47,542 --> 00:39:50,875
When your heart rate reaches
a certain stress level, it beeps.
582
00:39:51,000 --> 00:39:53,792
The harder you pump,
the faster it beeps.
583
00:39:53,833 --> 00:39:55,667
- Oh.
- Hi there, sailor.
584
00:39:58,375 --> 00:40:01,417
Heh. Heh. Sailor. You know.
585
00:40:01,667 --> 00:40:03,750
He must think this
is a naval uniform.
586
00:40:14,750 --> 00:40:17,667
Oh...
587
00:40:19,083 --> 00:40:20,125
Hey, your holiness.
588
00:40:20,542 --> 00:40:21,583
You okay?
589
00:40:22,708 --> 00:40:24,500
Well, let's rock and roll!
Come on!
590
00:40:24,542 --> 00:40:26,917
No, no, I don't want to go
to the women's gymnasium.
591
00:40:27,000 --> 00:40:29,375
Ah, your h-ness,
this is the 90s.
592
00:40:29,458 --> 00:40:31,000
Everybody's doing it together.
Come on.
593
00:40:31,083 --> 00:40:33,500
Oh, I, I just remembered.
I have another appointment-
594
00:40:33,542 --> 00:40:36,042
Padre, listen to me.
First of all, you can't work out in this.
595
00:40:36,250 --> 00:40:38,042
Let's go put some
real workout clothes on.
596
00:40:38,250 --> 00:40:40,375
How you doing?
Mind keeping that door closed, please?
597
00:40:41,000 --> 00:40:43,208
What do you say we
start sweating for the Lord.
598
00:40:43,208 --> 00:40:44,875
- But I really-
- Come on. Here we go.
599
00:40:47,958 --> 00:40:49,042
Excuse me.
600
00:40:49,083 --> 00:40:50,333
Hi, Father.
601
00:40:50,458 --> 00:40:51,667
Is there a convention in town?
602
00:41:11,375 --> 00:41:12,375
All right, Father.
603
00:41:12,417 --> 00:41:15,583
You wanna concentrate now. Back
straight, stomach in nice and tight, okay?
604
00:41:15,625 --> 00:41:17,542
This is a great exercise
for the inner thigh.
605
00:41:17,667 --> 00:41:21,708
When I count to three, breathe
normally, and ease out slowly.
606
00:41:21,750 --> 00:41:23,708
Ready? Come on, now. One.
607
00:41:23,833 --> 00:41:25,875
- Two.
- Ah!
608
00:41:28,958 --> 00:41:31,417
Well, hello there.
609
00:41:31,792 --> 00:41:32,833
How you doing?
610
00:41:32,875 --> 00:41:35,125
I always wanted to
have a personal trainer.
611
00:41:35,167 --> 00:41:36,792
Excuse me, I'm
looking for a man.
612
00:41:37,042 --> 00:41:40,042
Oh, no, you go find one of your own.
This one's already taken.
613
00:41:40,917 --> 00:41:42,292
Check, please.
614
00:41:51,875 --> 00:41:54,042
Slowly.
615
00:41:55,333 --> 00:41:56,833
There you go.
616
00:41:57,375 --> 00:41:59,833
Let's go for 10, okay?
617
00:42:00,583 --> 00:42:02,250
Father Mayii, I'm
so glad I found you.
618
00:42:02,292 --> 00:42:06,208
I went to visit you at the home, but the
sister at the front desk said you're here.
619
00:42:06,250 --> 00:42:09,750
Luke, you look troubled,
but then, you've always looked troubled.
620
00:42:09,917 --> 00:42:12,792
The supreme council
has granted the exorcism.
621
00:42:13,042 --> 00:42:15,792
- Well, thank God.
- There's a catch, I'm afraid.
622
00:42:15,833 --> 00:42:17,542
Have you heard of Ernest Weller?
623
00:42:17,833 --> 00:42:20,917
The evangelist with the
wife and matching dog?
624
00:42:21,625 --> 00:42:24,833
Weller has convinced them
to televise the exorcism.
625
00:42:25,042 --> 00:42:26,125
What?
626
00:42:26,417 --> 00:42:27,917
My God!
627
00:42:28,250 --> 00:42:30,250
That charlatan?
628
00:42:30,292 --> 00:42:31,875
That hypocrite?
629
00:42:32,167 --> 00:42:33,958
- Ah!
- Ah!
630
00:42:34,083 --> 00:42:37,292
There. You see?
Someone else who knows that it's wrong.
631
00:42:37,500 --> 00:42:39,208
You're a good man, Larry.
632
00:42:39,292 --> 00:42:42,083
It's a sacrilege.
It's a travesty.
633
00:42:42,458 --> 00:42:44,458
Televised exorcism?
634
00:42:44,500 --> 00:42:47,000
I can't believe that
they'd do such a thing!
635
00:42:47,000 --> 00:42:48,875
Well, they claim that
it will convert millions.
636
00:42:48,875 --> 00:42:50,833
Millions! In Weller's pocket!
637
00:42:51,250 --> 00:42:54,042
The man is a thief!
He's a swindler!
638
00:42:54,208 --> 00:42:56,875
He's a crook posing
as a man of God!
639
00:42:56,917 --> 00:42:59,458
That's the spirit, Father!
Together, we can do it!
640
00:42:59,625 --> 00:43:00,708
No, Luke.
641
00:43:00,750 --> 00:43:01,792
Ah!
642
00:43:03,958 --> 00:43:07,625
Think of Nancy, Father.
You're the only one with the experience.
643
00:43:07,667 --> 00:43:10,208
No, Luke, I do not
have the strength.
644
00:43:10,417 --> 00:43:13,500
You must do it.
Raise up your faith, Luke.
645
00:43:14,042 --> 00:43:16,292
Make it a giant
sword against Satan.
646
00:43:16,292 --> 00:43:17,292
Remember:
647
00:43:17,667 --> 00:43:19,417
Faith can move mountains.
648
00:43:19,458 --> 00:43:20,875
Yeah!
649
00:43:54,417 --> 00:43:56,208
Six. Seven.
650
00:43:56,250 --> 00:43:57,292
Good, let's switch!
651
00:43:57,333 --> 00:43:58,792
One. Two.
652
00:43:59,208 --> 00:44:01,083
Three. Four.
653
00:44:01,125 --> 00:44:02,708
Five. Six.
654
00:44:03,042 --> 00:44:04,750
Seven. And reach to the side.
655
00:44:04,750 --> 00:44:05,917
And one! Come on!
656
00:44:05,917 --> 00:44:08,625
More! Three and four!
657
00:44:09,042 --> 00:44:10,458
Five. Six. Seven.
658
00:44:10,500 --> 00:44:11,667
Twist again.
659
00:44:11,958 --> 00:44:13,542
Feel it, come on, work it!
660
00:44:13,875 --> 00:44:15,833
Four. Five.
661
00:44:15,917 --> 00:44:17,000
Six. Seven.
662
00:44:17,042 --> 00:44:19,333
Now the upper arms reach.
663
00:44:19,542 --> 00:44:22,083
Come on. Three. Three. Five.
664
00:44:22,542 --> 00:44:24,042
Six. Forward!
665
00:44:24,208 --> 00:44:25,292
Forward.
666
00:44:25,333 --> 00:44:27,167
Two. Three. Faster!
667
00:44:27,167 --> 00:44:28,958
One, two, three, four.
668
00:44:28,958 --> 00:44:30,583
Come on, summer's coming!
669
00:44:30,583 --> 00:44:32,083
Get those butts in gear!
670
00:44:32,083 --> 00:44:33,583
Two, three, four.
671
00:44:33,792 --> 00:44:35,583
Let's work with doggy kicks.
672
00:44:35,625 --> 00:44:36,625
Come on!
673
00:44:36,667 --> 00:44:38,167
And higher!
674
00:44:38,250 --> 00:44:39,875
Three. Four.
675
00:44:40,292 --> 00:44:41,583
Five. Come on!
676
00:44:41,708 --> 00:44:42,875
Get it up!
677
00:44:43,250 --> 00:44:44,292
Here we go!
678
00:44:44,458 --> 00:44:45,917
Eight. Seven.
679
00:44:46,375 --> 00:44:48,292
Six. Five.
680
00:44:48,333 --> 00:44:49,958
Four. You've got three!
681
00:44:50,000 --> 00:44:51,417
Two. One.
682
00:44:51,458 --> 00:44:53,125
Eight more! Eight. Whoo!
683
00:44:53,208 --> 00:44:54,250
Seven.
684
00:44:54,292 --> 00:44:57,583
- I can't do it alone, Father.
- You can, Luke. And you must.
685
00:44:57,583 --> 00:45:00,000
But I'm afraid to be
defeated in front of millions.
686
00:45:00,458 --> 00:45:02,250
That didn't stop Mike Tyson.
687
00:45:02,583 --> 00:45:06,875
Luke, remember: When you fall on
your face, you're still moving forward.
688
00:45:07,167 --> 00:45:09,875
My heart is weak,
and I'm too old.
689
00:45:09,958 --> 00:45:13,417
And I will not participate in
this, this sacrilegious circus.
690
00:45:13,417 --> 00:45:16,625
You see, now I've lost my glasses.
Please, I want you to leave me alone.
691
00:45:16,625 --> 00:45:18,333
I don't want to hear
any more about it.
692
00:45:44,125 --> 00:45:48,667
Young man, I was just in the locker room
there, and all my clothes have been stolen.
693
00:45:48,708 --> 00:45:50,708
And I want you to know,
I think that there's
694
00:45:50,750 --> 00:45:53,625
someone here in the gymnasium
has a very serious problem.
695
00:45:54,458 --> 00:45:55,458
Padre,
696
00:45:55,792 --> 00:45:57,708
I think it's you with
the serious problem.
697
00:45:57,708 --> 00:45:59,458
- What?
- Father? Are these your glasses?
698
00:45:59,500 --> 00:46:00,750
Oh, thank you, my child.
699
00:46:01,083 --> 00:46:04,417
What problem?
I don't have any problems. I, I.
700
00:46:06,083 --> 00:46:07,292
Oh...
701
00:46:10,792 --> 00:46:12,208
- Oh!
- Are you all right, Father?
702
00:46:12,250 --> 00:46:13,875
Easy, your holiness.
703
00:46:13,917 --> 00:46:15,042
Easy, man.
704
00:46:16,625 --> 00:46:17,792
Father?
705
00:46:17,875 --> 00:46:19,417
Oh, mommy!
706
00:46:19,458 --> 00:46:20,792
Oh, mommy, no!
707
00:46:20,875 --> 00:46:23,083
N-n-not my mommy!
708
00:46:23,333 --> 00:46:24,417
Daddy's magazines-
709
00:46:32,583 --> 00:46:34,667
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
710
00:46:34,875 --> 00:46:40,042
I'm Army Archerd, welcoming you to
the greatest television event of all time.
711
00:46:40,208 --> 00:46:43,750
Ernest and Fanny's
Exorcism Tonight!
712
00:46:45,542 --> 00:46:49,375
We have a tremendous audience
here at Global Television Studios,
713
00:46:49,667 --> 00:46:53,708
waiting in anticipation of the
greatest names in show biz.
714
00:46:55,458 --> 00:46:57,250
Is it? And look who's there!
715
00:46:57,292 --> 00:46:59,333
It's Sean Penn!
716
00:46:59,917 --> 00:47:00,917
Whoa!
717
00:47:01,042 --> 00:47:02,042
Whoa!
718
00:47:02,208 --> 00:47:03,292
Whoa!
719
00:47:03,333 --> 00:47:04,792
And wait a minute!
720
00:47:04,875 --> 00:47:08,833
Here they are, the courageous
couple who will be dueling with the devil!
721
00:47:11,958 --> 00:47:14,750
Ernest and Fanny Rae Weller!
722
00:47:23,500 --> 00:47:26,417
Could we get you to come up?
Can we get you to come up? Oh, good.
723
00:47:27,125 --> 00:47:29,083
- Thank you.
- How are ya?
724
00:47:29,250 --> 00:47:32,875
- Hi, Ernest.
- Hi! Ha, ha! Hi! Hi, everybody!
725
00:47:32,875 --> 00:47:35,750
- How are you?
- Just fine. Hello.
726
00:47:35,792 --> 00:47:38,708
And everybody
say hello to Kit-Kat!
727
00:47:38,750 --> 00:47:41,375
Hello, Kit-Kat!
728
00:47:42,458 --> 00:47:45,375
First off, do you have some
words for the group here?
729
00:47:45,542 --> 00:47:47,042
Oh, yes, I do, I-
730
00:47:47,250 --> 00:47:51,000
I want you to go home
and tune in the show!
731
00:47:56,458 --> 00:47:58,167
- You're right. Come on.
- Okay.
732
00:47:59,292 --> 00:48:00,667
Oh, poo.
733
00:48:00,875 --> 00:48:03,208
This ensemble just
doesn't look right.
734
00:48:03,667 --> 00:48:05,167
You mind if I change, honey?
735
00:48:05,208 --> 00:48:07,750
Just hurry up.
We're on the air in 5 minutes.
736
00:48:07,750 --> 00:48:08,750
Okay.
737
00:48:10,375 --> 00:48:15,042
You know, Ernie, I just feel a little
bit nervous about coming face to face,
738
00:48:15,042 --> 00:48:16,833
you know,
with the devil and all.
739
00:48:16,875 --> 00:48:20,083
Relax.
Mrs. Aglet is not the devil.
740
00:48:20,167 --> 00:48:24,000
She is just a nut with a bad
complexion who thinks she is possessed.
741
00:48:24,042 --> 00:48:25,500
Oh, well, whatever you say.
742
00:48:27,250 --> 00:48:28,875
Oh, there!
743
00:48:28,917 --> 00:48:32,000
Now, I'll just look perfect
when I sing my song!
744
00:48:33,042 --> 00:48:34,292
I can't wait. Heh, heh.
745
00:48:34,333 --> 00:48:38,125
Remember, now, honey: You promised!
Okay, daddy.
746
00:48:40,708 --> 00:48:42,125
Ah. Ah.
747
00:48:42,500 --> 00:48:43,625
Aw.
748
00:48:52,500 --> 00:48:53,583
Cue.
749
00:48:54,333 --> 00:48:55,583
Settle down.
750
00:48:55,583 --> 00:48:57,042
Cue announcer.
751
00:48:57,958 --> 00:49:02,708
Live from Hollywood, it's Ernest
and Fanny's Exorcism Tonight!
752
00:49:04,708 --> 00:49:10,000
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
Ernest and Fanny Rae Weller!
753
00:49:15,833 --> 00:49:16,958
God bless
754
00:49:17,542 --> 00:49:18,917
all of you.
755
00:49:18,917 --> 00:49:20,625
Every one of you.
756
00:49:20,667 --> 00:49:21,833
My friends,
757
00:49:22,500 --> 00:49:23,667
tonight
758
00:49:24,458 --> 00:49:26,083
is soon to become
759
00:49:27,000 --> 00:49:31,667
the single most important
night in the history of mankind
760
00:49:32,250 --> 00:49:34,250
because tonight
761
00:49:34,583 --> 00:49:36,417
millions of you
762
00:49:36,750 --> 00:49:38,208
will witness
763
00:49:38,208 --> 00:49:40,708
as we rid the vile spirit
764
00:49:40,917 --> 00:49:45,667
of Satan himself from the
soul of Mrs. Nancy Aglet!
765
00:49:45,792 --> 00:49:47,125
Praise the Lord!
766
00:49:47,667 --> 00:49:52,958
And assisting us in tonight's
exorcism is Father Luke Brophy.
767
00:49:58,458 --> 00:49:59,750
And now, believers,
768
00:50:00,208 --> 00:50:02,125
and non-believers
769
00:50:03,750 --> 00:50:05,667
from the bowels of hell
770
00:50:06,583 --> 00:50:08,000
I bring you
771
00:50:09,125 --> 00:50:10,125
the devil!
772
00:50:31,583 --> 00:50:34,625
Gee, mom looks terrible!
773
00:50:35,125 --> 00:50:37,917
Well, they say TV does
add 10 pounds to you.
774
00:50:38,542 --> 00:50:40,250
With the blessing of the Lord,
775
00:50:41,083 --> 00:50:43,708
let's start this exorcism.
776
00:50:46,333 --> 00:50:51,542
I command that thy putrid spirit leave
the holy being of this child of Jesus.
777
00:50:52,042 --> 00:50:54,792
- I cast thee back to hell.
- To hell!
778
00:50:54,792 --> 00:50:57,750
- I cast thee back to hell!
- To hell!
779
00:50:58,000 --> 00:51:00,167
I cast thee back to hell!
780
00:51:00,917 --> 00:51:05,917
Why don't you leave me a picture and resume
at the door and I'll get back to you, okay?
781
00:52:18,208 --> 00:52:19,792
Oh, you think you're tough?
782
00:52:19,917 --> 00:52:23,208
You're so tough?
How come you possessed a woman's body?
783
00:52:23,292 --> 00:52:25,667
You get off wearing
women's clothing?
784
00:53:26,292 --> 00:53:29,583
These just arrived for you.
We're back on the air in 10 seconds.
785
00:53:31,792 --> 00:53:33,792
This is wonderful. Wonderful!
786
00:53:33,875 --> 00:53:37,083
- What's it say, honey?
- You'll see. You will see.
787
00:53:41,250 --> 00:53:42,375
Friends,
788
00:53:43,667 --> 00:53:46,667
Fred Tartastein,
the president of this network,
789
00:53:46,708 --> 00:53:49,125
has just informed me
that we are being viewed
790
00:53:49,125 --> 00:53:52,625
by the largest audience
in television history.
791
00:53:56,500 --> 00:54:01,417
We got no time to celebrate right now,
‘cause we have an exorcism to perform.
792
00:54:04,208 --> 00:54:06,500
In the name of almighty God.
793
00:54:08,542 --> 00:54:09,917
Ernie!
794
00:54:18,167 --> 00:54:20,333
Watch out with
those special effects.
795
00:54:20,792 --> 00:54:22,708
Those aren't our effects.
796
00:54:36,125 --> 00:54:37,875
Setting off the
sprinkler system.
797
00:54:47,125 --> 00:54:48,208
Quiet!
798
00:54:48,375 --> 00:54:51,875
Do you realize we have
an awful lot in common?
799
00:54:52,375 --> 00:54:57,125
We both use people and then dump
them when they're no longer of use to us.
800
00:54:57,375 --> 00:55:01,708
I used you to get the
largest audience in history.
801
00:55:01,958 --> 00:55:04,875
And now, you're
no longer necessary.
802
00:55:05,292 --> 00:55:09,875
What do I do with a couple
of jackasses like you?
803
00:55:09,917 --> 00:55:12,667
Ha, ha, ha! That's it.
804
00:55:13,000 --> 00:55:14,708
Look! What's over there?
805
00:55:15,333 --> 00:55:16,583
- Oh!
- What the-
806
00:55:17,625 --> 00:55:18,667
Aah!
807
00:55:22,625 --> 00:55:24,042
Walk this way!
808
00:55:27,542 --> 00:55:29,542
Enough with the water.
809
00:55:32,417 --> 00:55:36,375
To all the people of
the world, welcome.
810
00:55:37,125 --> 00:55:43,542
Now that I have your undivided attention,
why don't we all get a little bit closer?
811
00:55:50,917 --> 00:55:52,417
Ohh.
812
00:55:52,917 --> 00:55:54,833
That's much better.
813
00:55:56,417 --> 00:56:00,250
Hello, I'm Barbara Walters,
and this is 20/20.
814
00:56:00,500 --> 00:56:03,375
Aah. I always wanted to do that.
815
00:56:03,583 --> 00:56:06,417
Ladies and gentlemen, this is
Father Brophy, we have an emergency.
816
00:56:06,583 --> 00:56:08,250
I beg of you,
if you're a man of God,
817
00:56:08,292 --> 00:56:12,083
please rush to the Global Television
Studios in Hollywood, California-
818
00:56:15,000 --> 00:56:18,083
Oh, sorry for the young
priest's emotional outburst.
819
00:56:18,250 --> 00:56:20,458
He hasn't done
much TV, you know.
820
00:56:21,083 --> 00:56:26,667
But I'd like all you viewers at home
now to gather around your TV sets.
821
00:56:26,833 --> 00:56:30,417
'Cause I have
something very special-
822
00:56:32,208 --> 00:56:34,792
Satan's spirit
flew out of the TV!
823
00:56:42,167 --> 00:56:43,667
Ahh...
824
00:56:44,375 --> 00:56:47,792
You think you've stopped me,
but think again.
825
00:56:47,875 --> 00:56:51,708
'Cause I know another
way to reach those people!
826
00:56:53,583 --> 00:56:55,000
Satan, stop!
827
00:56:55,500 --> 00:56:57,083
Where do you
think you're going?!
828
00:56:58,000 --> 00:57:00,625
I'm going to Disneyland!
829
00:57:07,000 --> 00:57:11,292
Stop! Or I swear, Father
Mayii will burn in hell forever!
830
00:57:11,708 --> 00:57:13,875
You can't burn
what you don't have.
831
00:57:14,000 --> 00:57:15,208
Burn this!
832
00:57:24,708 --> 00:57:30,083
And that's why producers like blonde,
17-year-old coeds as their assistants.
833
00:57:30,458 --> 00:57:31,500
Look out!
834
00:57:33,083 --> 00:57:36,125
Man, I didn't know this
tour had a stunt show!
835
00:57:46,542 --> 00:57:48,000
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
836
00:57:48,042 --> 00:57:49,125
Whoa!
837
00:58:20,083 --> 00:58:21,083
Wow.
838
00:58:21,542 --> 00:58:23,333
You guys don't waste any time.
839
00:58:24,458 --> 00:58:25,667
Come on, let's go!
840
00:58:28,208 --> 00:58:30,542
Aah! Ha, ha, ha!
841
00:58:49,708 --> 00:58:50,792
Over there!
842
00:58:50,958 --> 00:58:52,583
Oh, what'd I do
to deserve this?!
843
00:58:55,750 --> 00:58:57,250
Stop, you monster!
844
00:59:14,375 --> 00:59:16,125
Ah, what's the matter?
845
00:59:16,125 --> 00:59:20,167
Can't take the heat, rookie?
Ha, ha, hal
846
00:59:20,333 --> 00:59:21,500
Ahh!
847
00:59:22,000 --> 00:59:26,583
I, the all-powerful
prince of darkness,
848
00:59:26,958 --> 00:59:33,625
command all that is evil to unite
as one in my presence... Now!
849
00:59:33,708 --> 00:59:35,458
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
850
00:59:35,458 --> 00:59:38,292
Ah, yes!
851
00:59:38,417 --> 00:59:40,208
Not bad, eh?
852
00:59:40,458 --> 00:59:43,250
Now watch, through the
use of modern electronics,
853
00:59:43,292 --> 00:59:47,875
as I turn millions of your
couch potatoes into my disciples!
854
00:59:48,125 --> 00:59:50,000
Ha, ha, hal
855
00:59:50,875 --> 00:59:51,917
Yes!
856
00:59:52,208 --> 00:59:53,958
Freeze, pukeface!
857
00:59:55,458 --> 00:59:57,792
Think you're man enough
for a real challenge?
858
00:59:57,833 --> 01:00:00,292
A challenge? From you?
859
01:00:00,417 --> 01:00:03,042
Oh, don't make me laugh.
My skin will crack.
860
01:00:03,250 --> 01:00:05,583
Not me... Mayii.
861
01:00:05,708 --> 01:00:10,083
Mayii?! Oh, that old geezer
stopped slinging holy water years ago.
862
01:00:10,250 --> 01:00:12,708
Not before he
kicked your slimy butt.
863
01:00:12,792 --> 01:00:14,000
No way!
864
01:00:14,292 --> 01:00:15,958
I could've taken him.
865
01:00:16,333 --> 01:00:17,792
The fight was fixed.
866
01:00:18,083 --> 01:00:19,458
I want a rematch!
867
01:00:19,667 --> 01:00:20,708
You got it.
868
01:00:23,333 --> 01:00:25,292
Ha, ha, hal
869
01:00:25,542 --> 01:00:26,875
This is it, America!
870
01:00:27,000 --> 01:00:28,958
The event you've
all been waiting for.
871
01:00:29,167 --> 01:00:32,542
Hi, I'm Mean Gene Okerlund,
along with Jesse "The Body" Ventura,
872
01:00:32,667 --> 01:00:36,625
bringing you the ultimate
confrontation of good against evil.
873
01:00:36,958 --> 01:00:39,250
Now, there's a man out there,
874
01:00:40,125 --> 01:00:46,583
who many years ago banished
me from the very soul I now possess.
875
01:00:47,875 --> 01:00:50,000
He humiliated me!
876
01:00:50,625 --> 01:00:54,667
And now, I've come
back to settle matters.
877
01:00:55,167 --> 01:01:00,375
And I'm not leaving until I
have his stinking, rotten soul.
878
01:01:01,042 --> 01:01:02,375
Father Mayii!
879
01:01:03,208 --> 01:01:05,000
Where are you?
880
01:01:05,167 --> 01:01:06,750
I know you're watching.
881
01:01:07,458 --> 01:01:09,542
Because this is Wednesday night,
882
01:01:09,708 --> 01:01:13,792
and everybody knows the other
networks don't have dick to watch tonight.
883
01:01:14,500 --> 01:01:16,833
So, do we do battle again?
884
01:01:17,292 --> 01:01:21,292
Or do you cherry out and
let me keep this soul forever?
885
01:01:22,083 --> 01:01:24,667
What do you say, Mayii?
886
01:01:25,167 --> 01:01:26,208
No...
887
01:01:28,042 --> 01:01:29,083
No!
888
01:01:29,917 --> 01:01:33,250
By God, you may not!
889
01:01:33,583 --> 01:01:36,542
The belle from hell
versus the dove from above
890
01:01:36,583 --> 01:01:39,167
in a one-soul, anything
goes match-up, Jess.
891
01:01:39,208 --> 01:01:41,333
It doesn't get any better
than this, Mean Gene,
892
01:01:41,375 --> 01:01:44,292
but everyone knows
Mayii's got a bad ticker.
893
01:01:44,417 --> 01:01:49,708
So Las Vegas oddsmakers have
listed him as a 25 to 1 underdog.
894
01:03:12,125 --> 01:03:14,958
You call this a tip,
you cheap bastard?!
895
01:03:20,500 --> 01:03:22,750
He doesn't stand a shot in hell!
896
01:03:24,083 --> 01:03:26,500
Father Brophy! Luke!
897
01:03:26,833 --> 01:03:28,208
- Luke!
- Father, what are you-
898
01:03:28,625 --> 01:03:32,792
- Oh, were you watching on TV?
- Yes. I had to come. I had no choice.
899
01:03:32,917 --> 01:03:34,208
Well, what about your heart?
900
01:03:34,250 --> 01:03:36,500
Don't worry about that.
I brought it with me.
901
01:03:36,875 --> 01:03:38,167
Father, this could kill you.
902
01:03:38,167 --> 01:03:41,000
Yes. Yes, but that's irrelevant.
903
01:03:41,125 --> 01:03:43,708
Satan is fighting
to take control here.
904
01:03:43,792 --> 01:03:45,375
Well, I'm not so sure.
905
01:03:45,458 --> 01:03:47,083
Remember,
his opponent is a woman.
906
01:03:47,375 --> 01:03:50,542
Nice tits, sure, but a face I
wouldn't want to wipe my feet on.
907
01:03:50,542 --> 01:03:53,250
- Ever hear of a paper bag?
- My money's on Mayii.
908
01:03:53,875 --> 01:03:55,625
Mayii!
909
01:03:57,875 --> 01:04:00,792
And they wonder why
priests never get married.
910
01:04:02,042 --> 01:04:04,667
Now, Luke, I'm going
to need your assistance,
911
01:04:04,708 --> 01:04:08,958
but if you are still lacking in faith,
you may be more harm than good.
912
01:04:09,667 --> 01:04:11,250
- Are you?
- No way.
913
01:04:11,375 --> 01:04:13,208
- You can count on me.
- Good.
914
01:04:13,250 --> 01:04:14,750
Now, just remember one thing:
915
01:04:15,167 --> 01:04:17,917
The devil is always trying
to take over your mind.
916
01:04:17,958 --> 01:04:22,667
He'll lie to you, he will deceive you.
He will totally try to manipulate you.
917
01:04:22,792 --> 01:04:25,958
So do not listen to
anything that he has to say.
918
01:04:26,167 --> 01:04:27,667
He's worse than
a studio executive.
919
01:04:27,667 --> 01:04:28,833
- Understood?
- Understood.
920
01:04:28,833 --> 01:04:31,500
Worse than a real estate
agent, a divorce attorney-
921
01:04:31,542 --> 01:04:33,167
- I got it.
- Right.
922
01:04:34,000 --> 01:04:35,417
All right, then.
923
01:04:38,083 --> 01:04:39,500
Let's go.
924
01:04:44,708 --> 01:04:48,208
They're here...
925
01:04:49,042 --> 01:04:50,167
Ah!
926
01:04:50,292 --> 01:04:53,375
I see it pays to
advertise on television.
927
01:04:53,750 --> 01:04:56,750
I think a little mood
lighting is appropriate.
928
01:04:57,208 --> 01:04:58,625
Don't you?
929
01:04:59,125 --> 01:05:00,292
There.
930
01:05:00,417 --> 01:05:01,958
Have no fear, my son.
931
01:05:02,292 --> 01:05:05,708
We have the Bible,
we have our faith.
932
01:05:06,167 --> 01:05:10,083
And as a back-up,
these beauties.
933
01:05:10,208 --> 01:05:12,375
That's an illegal
foreign object!
934
01:05:12,583 --> 01:05:14,833
Jesse, what do you
know about fairness?
935
01:05:14,875 --> 01:05:16,292
I'll show you fairness!
936
01:05:18,125 --> 01:05:20,000
Are you just about finished?
937
01:05:20,792 --> 01:05:23,625
It's been a long time, Mayii.
938
01:05:23,750 --> 01:05:27,125
I've waited an
eternity to do to you
939
01:05:27,667 --> 01:05:32,500
what you did to me
all those years ago.
940
01:05:32,792 --> 01:05:39,750
Before I do, I've got
something special for you.
941
01:05:50,792 --> 01:05:53,792
Oh, that is disgusting,
Mean Gene!
942
01:05:53,792 --> 01:05:57,792
I have never seen a move like
that in all my years of wrestling!
943
01:05:57,875 --> 01:05:58,875
Whew!
944
01:06:02,000 --> 01:06:03,292
So,
945
01:06:03,958 --> 01:06:05,458
how do you like it?
946
01:06:06,750 --> 01:06:09,708
Oh, you'll pay for that,
you bucket of cow dung.
947
01:06:09,833 --> 01:06:11,125
How dare you, you-
948
01:06:11,125 --> 01:06:12,792
How long has she
been in this condition?
949
01:06:12,792 --> 01:06:15,125
A few days. How does she look?
950
01:06:15,458 --> 01:06:19,958
Not too good. She looks like she's
been existing solely on airline food.
951
01:06:20,333 --> 01:06:24,250
Your Father wears tight underwear!
And I can't stand your mother!
952
01:06:24,375 --> 01:06:26,208
Will you put a sock in it?!
953
01:06:26,333 --> 01:06:29,708
Jeez, what crawled
up your butt and died?
954
01:06:30,208 --> 01:06:35,500
Every night I prayed to never
again gaze on your grotesque face,
955
01:06:35,875 --> 01:06:40,667
listen to your venomous voice,
but with you right in front of me now,
956
01:06:40,667 --> 01:06:47,500
I thank God that I have the opportunity
to boot your stinking carcass back to hell,
957
01:06:47,542 --> 01:06:52,500
you worthless, you
rotting, you vulgar spirit.
958
01:06:52,542 --> 01:06:53,667
Hey, hey, hey!
959
01:06:54,042 --> 01:06:56,917
Where does it say you
can talk to me like that?
960
01:06:57,208 --> 01:06:58,667
Right here.
961
01:06:58,708 --> 01:07:03,333
Oh, sure, you may feel
pretty cocky right now,
962
01:07:03,458 --> 01:07:07,792
but you'll soon realize that I
am far too powerful for you.
963
01:07:08,208 --> 01:07:11,208
And I am a man of God.
964
01:07:11,375 --> 01:07:17,292
And I fear no one, especially an
unholy spirit from an unsavory world.
965
01:07:17,292 --> 01:07:19,792
Unsavory? Aw, come on.
966
01:07:19,833 --> 01:07:22,458
You've got just as many
unsavory types here.
967
01:07:22,750 --> 01:07:26,917
From those Domino's Pizza delivery
boys to that idiot in the back row
968
01:07:26,958 --> 01:07:29,042
who won't shut up
during the movie.
969
01:07:29,083 --> 01:07:30,167
Enough!
970
01:07:30,750 --> 01:07:32,167
This is meandering.
971
01:07:33,167 --> 01:07:35,250
Father, my lunch bucket.
972
01:07:46,458 --> 01:07:47,500
Holy water.
973
01:07:47,833 --> 01:07:51,417
The church was closed, um,
the only place open was a 7-11.
974
01:07:51,917 --> 01:07:54,833
Ahh, thank you, you've
been a lovely audience.
975
01:07:54,917 --> 01:07:58,542
And next, I'd like to do my
impression of comedian Don Adams.
976
01:07:58,792 --> 01:08:00,542
Where's the chief, 99?
977
01:08:00,708 --> 01:08:02,750
Do not get smart with me!
978
01:08:04,542 --> 01:08:08,583
On a visit to the little town of Bethlehem,
a young Shepherd came upon Jesus,
979
01:08:08,625 --> 01:08:09,750
accepted him Lord-
980
01:08:09,792 --> 01:08:11,667
Lick me! Lick me!
981
01:08:11,917 --> 01:08:13,208
Lick me!
982
01:08:13,750 --> 01:08:15,500
Oh, is this cool or what?
983
01:08:15,583 --> 01:08:17,542
It's the cone-ilingus move.
984
01:08:17,875 --> 01:08:23,375
Why don't you take a lick of this candy
stick, you sissy boys! Hee hee hee!
985
01:08:23,417 --> 01:08:24,542
That's disgusting!
986
01:08:24,750 --> 01:08:27,458
And the living
Jesus said unto him,
987
01:08:27,500 --> 01:08:32,458
"He who is strong in his belief of
God shall have his sins forgiven."
988
01:08:32,458 --> 01:08:34,542
What a levitation move!
989
01:08:34,958 --> 01:08:36,375
Jesus said unto him-
990
01:08:36,583 --> 01:08:41,083
Father, Luke, do not believe what
you are seeing. It is merely an illusion.
991
01:08:41,208 --> 01:08:43,708
You sound like George
Bush on the deficit!
992
01:08:43,750 --> 01:08:46,375
But she's floating in midair.
993
01:08:46,708 --> 01:08:48,708
Hey!
What are you doing with those scissors?
994
01:08:48,792 --> 01:08:49,875
Hey!
995
01:08:49,958 --> 01:08:51,125
Ohh!
996
01:08:51,292 --> 01:08:52,333
- Ouch!
- Oh!
997
01:08:52,375 --> 01:08:55,458
That was the anti
gravity backdrop, wow!
998
01:08:55,500 --> 01:08:57,000
lllegal, Man Gene!
999
01:08:57,250 --> 01:08:59,917
As I said, itis
merely an illusion.
1000
01:08:59,917 --> 01:09:03,167
Oh, yes.
That may have been an illusion.
1001
01:09:03,208 --> 01:09:05,875
But I know something
that's very real.
1002
01:09:06,208 --> 01:09:07,500
Your heart condition!
1003
01:09:12,208 --> 01:09:13,542
Oh, but don't worry.
1004
01:09:13,750 --> 01:09:16,708
Far be it from me
to want to rattle you.
1005
01:09:16,875 --> 01:09:20,708
Ah! Oh!
1006
01:09:21,542 --> 01:09:23,833
Say your prayers, Mayii.
1007
01:09:23,917 --> 01:09:25,542
Because soon you'll be history.
1008
01:09:25,875 --> 01:09:27,333
That's enough!
1009
01:09:28,292 --> 01:09:31,333
In the name of God,
I demand you stop this charade!
1010
01:09:31,333 --> 01:09:34,583
You... demand?
1011
01:09:34,792 --> 01:09:37,750
You're not in a position
to demand dick, altar boy!
1012
01:09:37,833 --> 01:09:39,292
See, I know all about you.
1013
01:09:39,333 --> 01:09:41,792
And why you really
joined the church.
1014
01:09:42,000 --> 01:09:45,292
Oh, sure.
They have a terrific dental plan.
1015
01:09:45,875 --> 01:09:47,583
- But that wasn't why.
- Be quiet.
1016
01:09:47,583 --> 01:09:49,333
Ignore that beast, Luke.
1017
01:09:49,333 --> 01:09:52,083
You joined the church because
you had no talents, no skills,
1018
01:09:52,125 --> 01:09:56,083
were totally untrainable,
and your S.A.T. score was under 400.
1019
01:09:56,167 --> 01:09:57,958
- Shut up!
- Don't listen!
1020
01:09:58,000 --> 01:09:59,792
So, you had two choices.
1021
01:09:59,958 --> 01:10:03,250
Either working in the church,
or the U.S. senate.
1022
01:10:03,292 --> 01:10:05,458
I said, shut up, damn you!
Shut up!
1023
01:10:05,458 --> 01:10:07,333
Don't listen, Luke!
1024
01:10:17,625 --> 01:10:20,125
I just want to thank you
for joining the church.
1025
01:10:20,125 --> 01:10:23,917
Because of you, I'll be able to
keep this woman's soul forever.
1026
01:10:24,667 --> 01:10:27,292
I have no right
calling myself a priest.
1027
01:10:27,833 --> 01:10:30,625
Luke, I have to
ask you to leave.
1028
01:10:30,792 --> 01:10:35,375
Aw, please, dad, can't he stay?
Tomorrow's not a school day. Please?
1029
01:10:35,458 --> 01:10:37,000
Damn you!
1030
01:10:37,208 --> 01:10:39,833
I'll kill you with
my bare hands.
1031
01:10:39,833 --> 01:10:42,542
Aw, you take your
best shot, you old fart.
1032
01:10:42,542 --> 01:10:47,042
Now, don't take a look at this picture with
your mother in bed with Manuel Noriega.
1033
01:10:47,292 --> 01:10:49,250
Aah!
1034
01:10:58,792 --> 01:11:00,083
Aah!
1035
01:11:00,875 --> 01:11:02,208
Luke!
1036
01:11:03,292 --> 01:11:04,667
He's down! He's out!
1037
01:11:04,875 --> 01:11:06,833
It's a heart attack, Mean Gene!
1038
01:11:06,875 --> 01:11:07,875
Massive cardiac.
1039
01:11:08,750 --> 01:11:11,167
- What a wuss!
- Father.
1040
01:11:18,583 --> 01:11:19,583
Uh!
1041
01:11:35,708 --> 01:11:37,833
He's coming back, ladies and gentlemen.
Oh!
1042
01:11:37,833 --> 01:11:39,333
What a comeback, Jesse Ventura!
1043
01:11:39,375 --> 01:11:42,167
I don't believe it!
He was down and out and finished!
1044
01:11:46,458 --> 01:11:48,833
So, you're a hard man to Kill.
1045
01:11:51,500 --> 01:11:54,708
It might be easier if
you were a woman.
1046
01:11:54,875 --> 01:11:56,833
Sister Mayii!
1047
01:12:23,500 --> 01:12:25,500
That guy even scares me,
Mean Gene.
1048
01:12:27,292 --> 01:12:28,583
Hi, ya, ya, ya!
1049
01:12:31,792 --> 01:12:35,125
Well, it ain't Star Search,
but I got a million of these.
1050
01:12:39,083 --> 01:12:42,042
This is the craziest
exorcism I've ever performed.
1051
01:12:45,292 --> 01:12:47,250
Hey! Who are you?
1052
01:12:47,792 --> 01:12:50,167
I'm your worst nightmare.
1053
01:12:53,167 --> 01:12:54,208
Something's wrong.
1054
01:12:56,417 --> 01:12:59,458
Ahh! Who needs steroids?
1055
01:12:59,667 --> 01:13:01,958
Steroids aren't used
in wrestling anymore.
1056
01:13:02,417 --> 01:13:03,667
Or any less.
1057
01:13:04,083 --> 01:13:06,083
And we are here to pump
1058
01:13:06,125 --> 01:13:07,792
you up!
1059
01:13:07,833 --> 01:13:08,833
Hey!
1060
01:13:09,375 --> 01:13:11,708
You're nothing but
a little girly devil.
1061
01:13:12,125 --> 01:13:13,208
Satan!
1062
01:13:13,375 --> 01:13:16,625
Satan, you got him on the run.
What move you gonna use next?
1063
01:13:17,625 --> 01:13:21,333
Next, I'm gonna grab
a wrestler by his neck,
1064
01:13:21,667 --> 01:13:25,333
suck out his eyeballs,
and spit 'em down his throat!
1065
01:13:25,583 --> 01:13:26,875
What did she say?
1066
01:13:26,958 --> 01:13:28,708
She's talking to you, Mean Gene.
1067
01:13:30,208 --> 01:13:32,375
Oh! Oh! Ooh! Ooh!
1068
01:13:32,417 --> 01:13:34,458
In the name of the holy Father,
1069
01:13:34,500 --> 01:13:39,083
I anoint this woman's body with
the symbol of God's goodness.
1070
01:13:40,708 --> 01:13:42,458
Ha, ha! You missed!
1071
01:13:45,708 --> 01:13:47,042
You swine!
1072
01:13:47,833 --> 01:13:48,917
Ooh!
1073
01:13:51,542 --> 01:13:54,833
Your tricks have
no effect on me!
1074
01:13:55,167 --> 01:13:56,208
Father.
1075
01:13:56,875 --> 01:13:58,458
I'm seeing a pattern here.
1076
01:14:00,958 --> 01:14:02,500
You fiend!
1077
01:14:03,500 --> 01:14:05,667
- Why am I a fiend?
- I was talking to her.
1078
01:14:05,708 --> 01:14:07,417
- You were looking at me.
- Well, you know!
1079
01:14:07,417 --> 01:14:09,000
I had nothing to
do with the water.
1080
01:14:09,042 --> 01:14:11,000
It came from over there
and it came from up there.
1081
01:14:11,042 --> 01:14:12,083
Luke!
1082
01:14:12,417 --> 01:14:14,000
- Luke!
- Leave her body!
1083
01:14:14,208 --> 01:14:17,417
Enter mine! Enter mine!
1084
01:14:32,500 --> 01:14:33,750
Luke!
1085
01:14:34,792 --> 01:14:37,083
Oh, no!
1086
01:14:38,000 --> 01:14:39,542
He's innocent.
1087
01:14:39,958 --> 01:14:42,292
It's my body you want.
1088
01:14:43,167 --> 01:14:44,833
Enter me!
1089
01:14:45,208 --> 01:14:46,833
Enter me!
1090
01:14:47,042 --> 01:14:48,833
Enter me!
1091
01:14:49,000 --> 01:14:50,958
Enter me!
1092
01:15:05,000 --> 01:15:06,583
Father Mayii?
1093
01:15:07,542 --> 01:15:08,958
Yes?
1094
01:15:11,542 --> 01:15:14,208
You may!
1095
01:15:14,583 --> 01:15:16,708
Father, don't!
1096
01:15:25,500 --> 01:15:27,250
You talk about
your action, Jesse!
1097
01:15:27,292 --> 01:15:29,583
It looks like a
transvestite battle royal!
1098
01:15:51,292 --> 01:15:52,542
Ooh...
1099
01:15:53,250 --> 01:15:56,917
Well, we almost had it
there for a second, didn't we?
1100
01:15:58,375 --> 01:16:02,333
- Nice goin'.
- Face it, you guys can't beat me.
1101
01:16:02,458 --> 01:16:04,333
You're losers.
1102
01:16:04,583 --> 01:16:08,083
No one can destroy what
the devil has created. Nah!
1103
01:16:08,625 --> 01:16:11,625
If it takes my last breath,
I'll prove you wrong.
1104
01:16:11,833 --> 01:16:15,667
What are we gonna do? We tried
everything, everything the devil hates.
1105
01:16:15,792 --> 01:16:20,333
Prayers, holy water, sex,
drugs, and rock and roll.
1106
01:16:20,792 --> 01:16:21,833
Rock and roll?
1107
01:16:21,958 --> 01:16:24,083
Rock and roll?
We never tried that.
1108
01:16:24,750 --> 01:16:26,708
I hate rock and roll.
1109
01:16:26,958 --> 01:16:30,167
Oh, you hate rock and roll?
1110
01:16:30,292 --> 01:16:33,750
Well, wait till you
get a load of me!
1111
01:17:51,458 --> 01:17:54,000
Hello, 911? This is the devil.
1112
01:17:54,167 --> 01:17:57,042
I'm being driven back to
hell by loud music. Could you-
1113
01:17:57,792 --> 01:17:59,375
Hello? Hello?
1114
01:18:37,292 --> 01:18:39,500
No!
1115
01:18:40,583 --> 01:18:42,500
There's no place like home.
1116
01:18:42,667 --> 01:18:44,292
There's no place like home.
1117
01:18:44,500 --> 01:18:45,917
- Nancy.
- There's no place-
1118
01:18:45,958 --> 01:18:47,375
It's all over now.
1119
01:18:49,792 --> 01:18:50,917
Ooh!
1120
01:18:51,375 --> 01:18:52,625
Ooh!
1121
01:18:53,125 --> 01:18:54,875
Oh, Father Mayii!
1122
01:18:55,167 --> 01:18:58,667
You saved me once again!
How can I ever thank you?
1123
01:18:59,208 --> 01:19:00,250
Ooh!
1124
01:19:02,458 --> 01:19:05,583
Nancy, saving your
soul is thanks enough.
1125
01:19:05,917 --> 01:19:08,458
Good will always
triumph over evil.
1126
01:19:08,750 --> 01:19:14,250
But I'm confident now that we
have seen the last of this vile demon.
1127
01:19:14,667 --> 01:19:16,083
Mayii!
1128
01:19:16,625 --> 01:19:19,708
I'll be back!
1129
01:19:19,833 --> 01:19:23,250
Ohh, shit.
1130
01:19:23,500 --> 01:19:26,125
So, it happened.
1131
01:19:26,667 --> 01:19:28,583
Victory over the devil.
1132
01:19:29,000 --> 01:19:31,458
A great day for mankind.
1133
01:19:31,917 --> 01:19:34,583
And a pretty good
day for split pea soup.
1134
01:19:35,167 --> 01:19:39,708
Nancy and Braydon are a happy
couple again, and the kids are just fine.
1135
01:19:40,125 --> 01:19:42,208
But now they're
taking acting lessons.
1136
01:19:42,542 --> 01:19:46,000
But that's not important right now.
I have a very special guest here for you.
1137
01:19:46,167 --> 01:19:47,625
Nancy Aglet.
1138
01:19:52,000 --> 01:19:55,583
Now, I'm sure many of you
have questions you'd like to ask.
1139
01:19:56,500 --> 01:19:57,500
Yes?
1140
01:19:57,875 --> 01:19:59,917
How do you feel
after all of this?
1141
01:20:00,167 --> 01:20:02,833
I feel wonderful.
Thanks for asking.
1142
01:20:02,875 --> 01:20:04,333
Uh, uh.
1143
01:20:05,167 --> 01:20:06,208
Yes?
1144
01:20:06,500 --> 01:20:09,333
No offense, but I think you're
insulting our intelligence.
1145
01:20:09,500 --> 01:20:12,667
I mean, honestly, do you
expect us to swallow this bullshit?
83633
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