All language subtitles for First.Time.Female.Director.2023.1080p

The person you
are trying to reach...

Sam.

Sam.

Is currently unavailable.

Please leave your
message after the beep.

Hey, Sam.

It's your mom.

Psych!

It's your therapist.

Don't get your hopes up.

I have to push our session.

I had some last minute shopping.

You're probably at your
little theater, so...

I don't know... write some
more plays or something.

Bye-bye.

Enter.

Come on in, Sam.

Sit down.

Well, I bet you're wondering,
oh, what's going on?

Yes, yes.

See, that's theater

palpable tension.

Um, are you still doing my play?

Because I love writing plays
and being around actors.

Of course, rain's coming in.

Yes.

Here's the new draft.

Ah, great.

Well, you sure do love
Southerners, don't you?

They kind of shoot
from the hip in a way

that I respond to,
and in a way I kind

of wish I was more like that.

Greggy Thompson was
slated to direct.

The great Greggy, yeah.

Was?

But we have decided

that we want you, the scribe.

To direct? No.

Yes.

Oh, no.

I'm not someone
who could do that.

I think that there's got
to be someone better.

I'm trying to think.

Um, Darlene O'Donnell?

She could be good.

She's got a gig off-Broadway.

Oh, April Slattery
is really talented.

Had a baby a week ago.

Sheldon, I'm beginning
to feel like I

wasn't your first choice here.

Where's Greggy?

Greggy Schmeggy.

Just say yes!

It'll be magic to
have our first female

kick off our 29th season.

I mean, you can,
you know, recast all

all ladies if you want.

Whatever.

Well, that wouldn't work

because it's a family drama.

Oh, yes!

Yeah.

Of course, your
rate would double.

I accept.

Hallelujah.

- That's great.
- I accept.

OK.

You got to be confident.

Because these actors are hyenas.

And if you falter
in front of them,

it'll be your blood
dripping off their face fur.

OK, well, then I'll...

I'll become a lion.

I'll be like a mama lioness.

A pack of hyenas can

easily tear apart a lioness.

But it's a good general
mindset to start out with.

Mama lion!

- Rawr, rawr!
- Oh, boy.

I'm a lion. Rawr, rawr!

Yes.

This one.

That's me.

That's me, sir.

That's me.

You work at that theater?

Yes, I do.

I'm a director.

No shit?

Actor.

Hey, maybe you
could get me a job.

You're right.

Maybe I could.

Well, I know where you live.

And I know your name.

I do not know how
to contact you.

And my driver
information does not

have any contact info for me.

So we may have to exchange...

I'm sure we'll bump
into each other

again because I'm
constantly taking Zooms.

This is where you live, right?

Yeah, I kind of usually

we actually overshot
it. - Oh.

I can take you right back there.

No, this is good.

I'll get out here.

Thank you.

Good old brick and stucco.

I know where you live.

Yeah, I put my
neighbors coordinates.

Coordinates? You live next door?

Yeah, I live in the area.

This one's just...
either are fine.

Bye!

Back to my place!

Guys, places, please.

Places.

All right, you in the
back, can you sit down?

Yes.

When the hand goes up,
whoop, everyone quiet.

I'm your director.

I'm a director.

I don't know how to describe
it except it's like I just

suddenly feel like I exist.

You got a gig.

Yes.

I'm happy.

How do you know?

Could I be tricking myself?

Mm-hmm.

Oh.

Do you hate yourself?

I mean, sometimes I'm just like,

other people are better
than you, and you suck.

Yeah.

But hate?

I'm going to put
you down for yes.

OK.

But, you know, therapy
is crucial for you.

With your aloof parents, and
your loner mentality, and your

deep insecurities, you need it.

In other news... and
yes, I too bear news...

I'm changing my billing
system to the Square.

And I don't want
you to be startled

at the end of our session,
so I'm letting you know now.

OK.

So you can emotionally prepare.

Oh.

Oh, it's from my theater.

It's a community meeting.

Damn, it's so soon.

I don't have on good makeup.

I just don't want to look mousy.

This is a big opportunity.

Oh, I have a
cosmetology license.

You do?

I could do your makeup.

Mama lion.

What?

Gerald, come on.

Give me my light, will you?

Gerald, what are you doing?

Cut it out!

That is the best bit.

Come on.

I sign your checks, Gerald!

Ahem.

Thespians, ushers,
box office personnel,

costume designers,
stage managers, and yes,

even techies...

Fucking dick.

Stupid bitch.

It has come to my attention

that our beloved
director, Greggy Thompson,

had non-traditional
relationships with cast members

in every play he directed.

Greggy is stepping down.

What?

OK.

Now I'm going to announce
Greggy's replacement.

She is a female, which
is just the medicine

we need right now...

Sam Clifford!

Oh, whoa.

Oh, no.

Gerald, where's my
spotlight action?

Let's dance, baby.

Ah, ah!

Come on.

OK.

We'll do it some other time.

I am Sam Clifford.

Hi, friends.

I know the mood is a
little iffy right now,

but I just want you to know
from the bottom of my heart,

I believe victims.

And that's what you are.

Sorry if I look crazy.

My therapist did my makeup.

Thank you very much.

I sound like Elvis.

Ah, getting in my head.

Thanks, guys.

I'm going to be a mama lion.

I'm going to protect you. Rawr!

OK.

We'll see you soon.

Holy shit.

Hey, Sam.

Wait up.

Whoa, Greggy.

That was a great
speech back there.

Oh, thank you. That means a lot.

Yeah, I just kind of had
to make it up on the spot,

- but I was happy with it.
- Hey, listen.

Walk and talk with
me for a second.

I keep my car parked down
here so she don't get dinged.

I can see you as a director.

You do?

Of course.

You're super duper.

You are a very
special person, OK?

You know that.

Right, kid?

I think I do, yeah.

She is my stingray.

Yeah.

Look.

You're going to make theater.

That's the dream.

Right?

I lost my dream because of some
bad judgment or some bad luck.

Really, some vindictive phonies.

The point is, I'm here for you.

Hey, I'm damn good.

I can teach you to
get standing O's.

Mm-hmm.

You know what?

Thank you, but I kind of
want to find my own way.

Silly.

Why don't you grab
a coffee with me?

I mean, what... what's
the worst that can happen?

I got a cool car.

Why don't you hop in?

It is so cool.

God.

Maybe I could just sit
in it for a second.

No, I can't do this.

I got to go. I got to sleep.

I got to eat.

I got a table read
tomorrow, Greggy.

OK.

Well, text me.

All right.

Bye, Greggy.

I say we do another
musical, guys.

Rawr!

Rawr, rawr, rawr!

Mama lion reporting
for den duty.

Hey, twin.

Check the lips.

Hmm?

Marjorie, that's an exact match.

That's crazy.

It's not crazy.

It's flattering.

Anyhow, so by now we've
all read the script.

We know it's about a small town.

But what is it really about?

It's about all of us.

Is it about Detroit?

It's... it's human.

It's universal.

Come on, the universal Southern

experiences that we were...
that's what we're doing?

Rain's coming in.

What is rain?

What is it?

Rain, rain is water.

It's viscous.

It's molecular H2O.

Mm-hmm. Good.

It cleanses but also makes mud.

Phones down, OK?

Let's open the damn script.

Rain's Coming In,
written by Sam Clifford,

directed by Sam Clifford!

That's my girl.

No relation to me,
Sheldon Clifford.

Only met her mom once!

I swear I did nothing.

You fucked her mom?

No. Uh-oh.

No.

No, I did not.

Here we go.

Act 1.

Mama Jean's rural home.

Mama Jean enters
in robe smoking.

Opens newspaper, smacks it.

Humph!

Thunder, lightning.

Mama looks outside.

Rain's coming in.

It's raining drops
the size of gumballs.

Cooper, you got a hard heart.

It ain't our fault you
drink to get through a day!

I'm daddy, but I'm a
dead fucking ghost daddy.

W... why, Cooper, you're drunk.

You are too, mama.

So don't you dare!

No, she ain't, Cooper!

Lillie Mae, mama's
little lapdog!

Now, listen, here, if you
love the wild, the wild

love you back, boy.

Dinner's ready, potatoes

whipped high like mountains.

There's enough food here
to feed a firehouse.

Mama, we ought to invite Buck.

Lillie Mae's sweet on him.

Lillie Mae screams and collapses

in the door, holding Buck.

Oh, Buck, the father
of the unborn baby!

Oh, God, this is worse
than porridge on ice!

Yes, I'm pregnant, y'all.

Lights dim, rain
sound, end of play.

It's really good.

Really sad, right?

Sad story.

Yeah, it was great.

I'd just go a little
longer, chica.

No, it was long.

I think like a director.

You know, I love it.

I'm obsessed with it.

But there are three funerals.

There are also 20
monologues back to back.

Imagine... imagine
fucking but you're

climaxing the entire time.

Don't have to imagine.

Corden, your ghost character

scared the shit out of me.

And I say that as someone
who's been stabbed six times.

By six different people?

Four.

Should we focus, or is
this good for camaraderie?

OK, monstrous read, everybody.

Just a little over three hours.

Thank you, everyone.

Beautiful work.

Email me if you want to
meet for one-on-ones!

- Well, that was amazing.
- It...

It was. It was.

And did you see this?

Glendale Post, "Sam
Clifford to direct.

First-time female
director poised to helm

show at the Regis Theater."

Front page!

Incredible.

Ooh, la la la.

Mm-hmm.

Sam.

Yeah.

Hey.

Just looking at this
little write-up that I got.

Oh wow. Congratulations.

Thank you.

I'm so excited that
you're getting to direct.

I am too.

The whole time I've worked

here, it's always been men.

So just seeing you
walk through that door

today in this new position
was really powerful.

Thank you.

I'm inspired.

Thank you.

I've been trying to do
a little writing myself.

Really?

Yeah, but I'm really
visual and abstract.

I'm... I'm scared it
might be my downfall.

Well, if I could give
you some advice, um,

I would say have fun with it.

Because if you're
not, they won't.

Well, us two girls, we
got to stick together.

That glass ceiling is no joke.

Yeah, and my glass
ceiling is blocking

me from getting up to yours.

So...

That part.

Anyway, I got to
do a little work.

All right.

Today, I've brought
in some coaches

from all over Glendale who
are going to help you think

about how to refine your work.

OK?

What is acting?

Rudie, where are you from?

- Florida.
- OK, Rudie.

I want this to come
out of your dick.

I want you to really
just, like, say it.

OK?

Florida! RUDIE:
I'm from Florida!

Can we get another
one out of you?

That's my friend. Let's
get the whole shaft.

- I'm from Florida!
- More.

Put the balls in.

I'm from Florida!

Yes, yes!

- Put your hands...
- From Iowa.

I'm from Hollywood!

You put both titties in there!

You're fucking seals,

just throwing little anchovies
out for you to catch.

Ar, ar, ar, ar!

Are you saying that
like a good thing or?

No, I'm saying it like
that's what being an actor

is.

Uh-huh.

Acting is not something I do.

I'm 28.

You can definitely
play older or younger.

How old are you?

28.

Yeah.

I also do training.

I'm a trainer as well.

Down, and back.

You want us all running
at the same time?

All at the same time.

Just do what he says.

Do you know were
Flappers Comedy Club is?

Yes.

I live in one of the apartments

right above that.

Wow.

How did you get a place there?

I do stand-up comedy.

Wait.

So the rundown is you do
stand-up, personal training,

- and acting coaching?
- Yes.

What's your bread-winner,

though, out of the three?

I make my most money
working at Squeakers.

Hi.

Say hi.

OK, hi.

Oh my God.

Is World War III coming?

Hi.

See?

So let's try it again.

Thank you.

Because I really felt
like you really meant it.

- It's different.
- I got chills.

There are differences.

How do you get out
of your own head?

I feel like so often
I'm my greatest block.

I thought you said,
I migrate as block.

That's what I thought.

I thought she said,
I migrate as block.

OK, and what if she did?

What if she did?

Everything is right except
for what you're feeling.

Food.

OK?

If your character is not
eating, the heart's not beating.

The... the sound can come
out of your mouth, but...

I didn't even know you had that.

Brad Pitt has never

said a line on or off camera
without something in his mouth.

I just got chills.

Denzel Washington would
not be Denzel Washington

without a pocketful of peanuts.

Always going.

You can see his mouth going.

Who are you waiting to be?

You have a bathroom in
here on the premises?

Yeah.

How far?

Get out.

We don't know him.

We don't know him. Come on out.

I'm doing all right.

We don't...

It's too much fruit.

We were all shocked
you were directing.

It felt like time, you know?

It felt right.

Huge jump.

I wanted to talk about
our vision for Cooper.

- Do you see him as gay?
- Do you him to be?

No.

Well, I'm not mommy.

What's your vision?

Mommy?

It's a funny word.

Mine actually split
when I was six.

A lot of the mama lion
thing you've been doing, um,

it's just a lot for me.

- I'm so sorry.
- Oh, my God.

- I did not know.
- No, stop.

I went to a fun boarding
school and got over it fast.

And, you know, I just
kind of realized,

like, why am I
taking it so personal

that my mom abandoned me?

Right.

Yeah, and, Rudie,
I hope you're not

nervous about this production.

I know it's
challenging material,

but you're a super duper actor.

And you're really great.

You know that, right?

Don't try that
greeky shit with me.

It's not you.

Anyway, thanks for
giving me free rein.

Yeah.

You know, you seem scared.

Sometimes the best thing
you can do is just admit it.

People really respect honesty.

Coffee?

Oh, my god.

Oh, it's too hot.

It's too hot to

oh.

Bye.

So note card 72

nope 71.

Sorry about that.

So this is Elizabeth Cary.

To anyone who guessed,
that's correct.

Elizabeth Cary, she
penned the first play

written by a woman in 1613.

She had 11 kids, and
she still created.

That's grit.

OK, I'm going to hang this.

I'll get one of the
guys to hang it.

We made it through
this many note cards.

Corn on the cob.

Nya-nya.

You guys have been amazing to
just stick it out this long.

And I want to admit
something to you.

I'm scared right now.

I was scared this
morning getting ready.

I'm scared to lead.

Sometimes it's good to say that.

What?

I'm doing a panties giveaway.

My panties, I wear them.

And then I give them away.
Pantie?

It's like a sponsor thing.

There's some shit on them,
so they sell for more.

Not my shit.

My love? SAM: Yeah.

My kid sister, I mentioned
her to you, right?

She's a single mom?

Yeah, she's having
some child care issue.

Oh, no.

Yeah.

So I told her I'd
watch my niece.

I mean, you get it?

Single mom, child care issues?

Yeah.

I'm trying to think how
we could make it work.

Maybe she could
sit off to the side

and do her homework
or something?

I don't know, but we
should talk about it.

When is this?

Right now.

Come on in, honey.

She... she said you have
to sit in the corner.

No, I'm saying like,
I just feel like then

you'd have your own space.

Yeah, you can grab that chair.

She seems so sad.

- Unforgivable.
- It's hard to see.

Welcome.

So...

My boy Zac.

What's up?

Yeah, hey, Efron, baby.

What's up, brother?

Wait are... are you serious?

It's actually Zac Efron?

Yeah, you little bitch.

What up?

Now we got rid of
him, we can get

to the infamous note card 72.

What's the diaphragm?

Where is it?

You know, I'm going to
take over because I think

you're going to confuse them.

And it's better if I
just, like, read this one.

Um, it's just an area that
I have a lot of expertise

and passion around, which is
the diaphragm, which is actually

connected to the pelvic floor.

So if you have a
scrotum, for example,

tighten that, kind of...

OK, there's a kid, just

reminding you, the scrotum.

Oh, I'm fine with that.

It's good to not attach
shame to those words.

Let it spread around the anus.

Interesting choice for director.

I'm all for a woman
in charge, completely.

But like, kind of please
be a different one.

Please.

At least a woman that

won't let Marjorie's niece just
barge into the rehearsal space.

That was insane.

That was crazy.

Wait.

Who am I?

Hoo, hoo.

Scared Samantha.

Oh, I just dislike her.

Look at these note cards!

My name is Sam.

I have a lot riding on this.

I hope I get a big, fancy...

Wait, what is that?

Where are you looking?

Oh.

Hey, guys.

Hey.

Great rehearsal
today. Great job.

Thank you.

It was amazing.

Just waiting for a Zoomer.

Yeah.

I'm just going to Zoom on out.

Bye, Clara.

Bye.

Hey, Corden.

Yeah, see you.

Hey. SAM: Hey.

You have a good first rehearsal?

Yeah, it was really good.

It was so good today.

Bye.

See you later.

Whoa, a hand-drawn map.

"Hey, let's meet
at Griffith Park.

Fun rehearsal time."

I know the spot.

Follow me.

Come on.

Yeah, I'll catch up later.

I'll meet you guys there.

I just got to go
get a couple Jamocha

shakes for me and my mom.

Be really disappointing if you

didn't come.

Be really disappointing
if you didn't.

Oh my God.

My doctor.

I have it.

Hey, hey.

Hello, thespians.

Hi.

Just squatting on this old tree

stump, communing with nature,
practicing my bird call.

You're not dealing with that
uptight robot Sam Bird anymore.

I had an epiphany.

I got to loosen up.

So let's loosen up!

Woo!

So let's hike.

Oh!

Ah.

So let's hike and

ooh.

Got me.

So let's hike and shout
lines into the wind.

I didn't bring my hiking shoes.

Me neither.

Well, we weren't born
in shoes, were we?

So Davina, like, totally bailed.

And where's Corden?

Ooh, I do have a
little announcement

on that front.

Corden landed a role in
the Magic Mike prequel.

Oh. CLARA: He got out.

So we're completely fucked.

Do not worry.

He has given me his word, he
will be back for previews.

Woo!

Yes!

Sam, is the
trail at least short?

The trail is not short.

It's very steep and rigorous.

What do you mean?

I'll wait for you.

My shoes are made of felt.

Everyone's
accents could improve,

so let's really try to watch...

I don't know... old Southern
movies or something.

Sam, Sam, Sam.

You know I respect
your vision, but what

what the hell does this
have to do with acting?

I'm just confused.

I want to understand.

You'll understand as it
goes deeper in your soul.

Simon DiCaprio, hit us.

I bought poison
from the apothecary.

Ow!

I hurt my damn ankle.

Are you all right?

Oh.

Why are we even here?

Don't worry.

I'm going to just cock
that shit right back in...

Wait, wait, wait.

My ankle is double-jointed.

What's new is the scratch.

Oh.

Come on.

Oh.

Home again,
home again, jiggity jig.

All right, we're back.

And it's rain day.

Rain, rain, don't go away.

Is the rain rig ready?

Oh, you betcha.

- Should I fire it up?
- One second.

Joseph.

It's... it's time
to run the rain.

Joseph, we're going
to do the rain.

You have earplugs
in or something?

Earbuds.

I listen to music
while I make kill lists

of people I want fucking dead.

All right, Joseph.

All right.

Well, it's the
gray, dreary morning

of grandpappy's funeral.

And here he lays, right?

Here lays grandpappy.

The rain is going to come on.

You will get wet.

There's plenty of towels
over here for after.

I brought a bunch of props.

Come on up and grab some.

Whoa!

We got a hat.

We got an umbrella.

We got a poncho.

We got a something.

Have at it.

I'm going to go ahead

and snatch this little
rainslicker right here.

I'll take the flowers.

I'll take the umbrella.

That's actually
bad luck, Macbeth.

Macbeth, Macbeth!

Oh, great.

Well, I'll just use this...
something that my character

would absolutely never wear.

- Cute.
- It's cute.

This isn't even bad taste.

It's the complete
absence of taste.

Clara, that's actually
hurting my feelings.

That my personal hat
that I brought from home

to share with you guys.

It's neither here
nor there, Sam.

Oh, come on.

These kids don't know style.

We're in our brew.

Oh, mama, mama, mama, mama.

Kind of taste what
you had for breakfast.

All right.

Yeah, we better get going.

Let's get into the piece, OK?

Let's see what we got here.

All right.

So you're sad.

You're at a funeral.

You're sad.

Everyone's feeling down.

Grandpappy is gone.

Davina, remember you're sad?

Yeah.

He's dead, right?

So grandpappy, no!

Grandpappy, no!

All right, we'll take it.

Grandpappy is my
grandpappy, right?

Oh, no, no.

Your grandpappy would have died
a long, long, long, long time

ago.

No, but I'm playing
mama like 34, 35.

She's going to be high 60s

and early 70s at the very, very
youngest, I'm going to say.

Yeah.

All right, guys,
Marjorie, lead us in.

Woo!

OK.

Sky's darkening,
clouds getting heavy.

We best say our final goodbyes
to dear old grandpappy,

lest we get caught in
a hard, driving rain.

Grandpappy!

Oh, no.

We're so sad.

Dead and gone.

Is it raining way too hard?

Turn it down, Sam!

OK.

We look like a joke!

It's a hot, hot house.

This is supposed to
be extremely hot.

I'm swimming.

Why is there so much rain?

I'm sorry!

The rain is most
definitely coming in.

Ah!

The Regis is wet, wet, wetter.

We don't care over here
about climate change, honey.

We're doing a wet
t-shirt contest, dude.

Davina, knock it off!

Wet t-shirt, wet
t-shirt contest.

My boobies are so wet!

Stop showing your chest, please!

You're slut-shaming them!

What is going on?

Hey, a little water
experiment setback.

Sam, cast, I'd like you to meet.

Miles and Thimberly Paris.

They are very generous
donors to our little theater.

Oh, well, what an honor.

Thank you.

We love the Regis.

You're kind.

And I put my money where

my mouth is with the arts.

Here, here.

It makes me feel better

about my undeserved wealth.

Well, I love to stand
right here with all

of you actors, theater
people, here in the green room

together.

Well, it's... it's energizing.

This is the green room, right?

I'm saying that right?

Well, technically, it's
known as the house.

Ah.

What a letdown.

But it is like a green room.

It really is.

Is it?

It isn't.

No?

I have a friend in textiles

who would love her
fabric, Alabama jazz,

to be incorporated into the set.

Oh!

But after today, I don't know.

Isn't that fabric exquisite?

- Stunning.
- All right.

Well, we'll get out
of your wet hair.

Hey. STAR: Hey.

Hey, are you OK?

Yeah.

Um, I'm good.

Yeah.

It's a little harder than I
thought, but it's been good.

OK.

Yeah, see, I've been struggling
to get this play I wrote

produced, so it's kind of
comforting to know it's

no cakewalk for you either.

No, there's like hot coals.

My feet are burnt. Ow.

Blisters.

Oh.

And I'm treading on...

Sam?

Yeah.

Can I grab you?

Uh-huh.

All right.

You are alarmingly
behind schedule.

And I bit my tongue when
you harbored a minor

and when you held
rehearsal in a tree,

but this water
debacle was wretched.

It's bad.

Yeah.

Would it help if
I sat in the room?

I mean, it's tricky because
I want you to be yourself.

But the blueprint for
what works here is Greggy.

You know, he could go
mad dog if he needed to

or... or morph into
a trusted friend.

Yeah, he was always
flipping out on people.

Yeah.

And then, like, really
weird and intimate.

Yeah. SAM: I'll try that.

You do not have to sit
in rehearsals, my friend.

I am excellent at
reading people.

Trust me.

Morning, Sam.

Davina, are you going
to post about the show?

No.

Good morning.

Hey.

Clara, how's your mom?

She's good.

Miss that old girl.

Marjorie, you look cool today!

Oh, thanks.

Want this jacket?

I don't, but thank you so much.

That's so generous.

Right off your back.

Uh, who else we got in here?

Davina!

Rocking a cool new headband.

I like it. DAVINA:
Thank you, girl.

I got it from a company
in exchange for a post.

Exciting creative relationship!

Simon's over there
nursing a coffee

like it's his best friend.

Mm-hmm.

What's your go-to order?

What is it?

I usually like an Americano

with some agave in it.

All right, enough chit-chat!

Everybody down!

Sam!

Have we replaced a male
predator with a female disaster?

That's a false equivalency!

Learn your blocking!

Knock it off.

You're making us all
really uncomfortable, girl.

Is this uncomfortable?

Ka-blam!

Yeah.

You shot her.

Blocking charts.

Ever heard of them?

You're going to want
to memorize those.

Throwing shit at us?

That'll help you know
where you're standing.

Yeah, I don't know how
we memorize a picture.

XTR to US of table?

Cross down right to
upstage of table.

Clara, so there
is a little brain

knocking around in there.

Ping, pong, poom, pom, poom pop.

Good.

Wow.

We cue to cue in 20!

- Thank you, 20.
- I'm taking a shit.

I'm not dealing with this.

I have a medical migraine.

She was provoking me.

Sam is out of her goddamn mind.

Stay in the room!

The doors are locked.

Everybody learn your lines,

your lines and blocking.

If you would have gotten
that, then none of this

ever would have happened!

How's everyone feeling?

You've been working
pretty hard out here.

I appreciate it.

Does anyone need anything,
a cup of tea or something?

No.

No?

Everyone know all your marks?

You feel good, feel solid?

No one's talking to me?

Let's play ball.

Let's run it.

Oh my god.

Hey, wait.

You're supposed to
take it off on me.

You got to scoot back.

You got to scoot back.

Houston, we have a problem.

Very out of sync.

You guys are improving like
LA traffic is improving.

It ain't.

It's very wooden.

Where's the camaraderie?

Have you ever met before?

Do you know each other?

Just stop, OK?

We're not robots!

We're a bunch of people,
just kind of hanging

out and living our lives.

You know, doing what humans
do, having millions of feelings

like little tea
candles, which you're

snuffing out every single one.

You want us to create?

You want us to protect our fire?

We cannot because of you!

So why don't you stop
being fake nice to us

and then yelling at us?

Boom, dude!

Come on, get a lifestyle.

It's ridiculous, Sam!

All right, what are
you doing right now?

I'm sorry.

Are you filming yourself crying?

Yeah, people do that now.

They film themselves, like,
crying or at the hospital

and then post with
no explanation.

You should put a filter on.

Oh my god!

This is our craft, Sam.

It's kind of a bummer, dude.

This feel like we
work at, like, Amazon.

Amazon? Simon?

Really?

Amazon.

Yes, Sam.

OK, I'm...

I'm getting a lot of big
feelings off everyone.

I'm... I'm riding
these waves with you.

And I got to tell you, I knew
today was going to be hard.

I knew that.

So I got you a treat
it's right over there.

What is it?

That's a box full of donuts.

And each donut in there has
one of your names on it.

Do you think we're
little children?

You're not going to like

my answer, which is you are
acting like a bunch of brats

right now. SIMON: Whoa!

Oh, my god.

That's it?

Sam, we quit.

OK.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Quitting as in
shuttering the show?

Maybe she can change, you know?

She can't.

Is this serious?

OK, we need to talk.

This whole situation has
gotten very out of hand.

Yeah.

All right, this is a
little runaway train.

I think we need to talk
through some of our issues

and make it right.

We're certainly not
going to stop the show.

Don't be sheeple!

Follow me.

Oh, great.

Just like your mom
walked out on you, right?

Oh my God.

Whoa. SIMON:
That was crazy, bro.

Tsk-tsk.
I'm sorry, man.

I'm sorry.

Sam, you got to do better.

That was wild.

Low blow, Sam.

Guys.

I'm sorry, Sam.

You're not cut out for this.

Yes.

Yes. Yes.

Come on, let's talk.

Come on.

Come back.

Rudie, come back!

Don't... please.

Gerald, don't fucking
dim the lights, man!

Work with me, Gerald!

Did you have an abortion
like a few years ago?

Was that you?

No.

Oh, you wanted to
freeze your eggs,

and you couldn't afford it.

More chardonnay?

Yes, yes.

Yessiree, Bob, I will
take more, please.

Me too.

I'm going to have to
put mine in a doggy bag.

Oh, why?

I have to go.

I have a date in 20 minutes.

And it's at the racetrack,
which is 35 minutes away.

So you do the math.

Racetrack?

Listen.

Have a blast tonight.

Life is a non-stop party,
or you're doing it wrong.

Got it? SAM: Yeah.

Good.

Hang in there.

Thank you.

You're the best.

Thanks for paying for my drink.

Gosh, I love that girl.

Oh, hey.

I just thought of a joke.

What do horses drink?

Um, Chardon-neigh?

Yeah.

You got it on the first try.

Hey.

Hi.

Oh.

Hi.

I feel like I know you,
but I'm like wee, wee, wee.

I should really go home.

Oh, no.

That'd be sad.

Why?

Well, because I just got here.

Oh.

You had a rough day?

My boss is in here.

He's in your phone?

I had 17 missed
calls from my boss.

My boss, he says no.

Maybe he was calling
with 17 compliments?

I wish!

Hey, you know what?

I thought of a
joke. - Hmm.

You want to hear it?

Yeah.

What do horses drink?

Oh my God, no!

You heard that?

I'm sorry.

Oh my God.

You're so bad.

You stole my joke!

You scared me.

You're brilliant.

Where did you come from?

I don't know.

Heaven.

Maybe that's why I'm
wearing a white jean jacket.

I definitely do
believe in angels.

I do.

I'm going to say something
to you right now.

You're one of the
most beautiful women

I've ever seen in my life.

You're stunning.

Thanks.

Hold on.

Don't move.

I said, don't move.

Sorry.

I know.

It's hard.

Ow!

You're hot.

Ah, thanks.

Man, who are you?

Who are you?

You're so alert.

Let's go.

Where?

I want you to see my house.

It's an apartment.

Oh.

Morning.

Oh my goodness.

Humans, wow.

We're just animals.

We're fucking.

Animals.

Totally.

Yeah.

Hey.

Uh, I want to do
Cooper in the play.

How do you even know my play?

Because I'm Robbie.

I'm the head usher at the Regis.

What?

Come on.

You knew that, right?

I did not know that.

Then you should know
the play's shut down.

Yeah, I know.

What a better time to recast?

Look, I don't want to
be an usher forever.

I... I've got aspirations too.

I mean, look at you.

You were a scuzzy
little playwright,

and now you're a director.

Kind of.

Let me take a crack at
the Cooper monologue

from the final act,
from the final scene.

Please Ahem.

OK.

I killed daddy.

It was me.

I should have never taken him
down to that watering hole

by the mining company.

I'm going to stop you.

Um, I don't think that
you're Regis material.

I like you.

I think you're so
awesome and cool.

Bullshit.

What'd you say?

I said bullshit.

You know what?

I don't think you're
girlfriend material.

How do you feel about that?

Wait.

I thought we connected.

Nothing to see here!

Just a woman screwing
her underling.

That is a stretch!

Who reports to her!

Stretch!

Whatever you say, boss.

Shut up!

I... I didn't even
recognize him.

Burn.

Also, I was extremely
drunk, and he was not.

Then that would be assault.

OK, by that definition,

I have been assaulted
hundreds of times.

Sometimes you have to buff

the veneer off the
status quo and lay

bare the truth beneath it.

But... but you're a writer.

You must do that all
the time in your work.

Hey, give me back my
white jean jacket!

Here you go, you stupid idiot!

Be careful!

We got 15 minutes
left in our sesh, bro.

What do you want to talk about?

What hurts the most?

That you didn't
succeed, that you

were a female pawn for the
patriarchy set up to fail?

Is it my drinking?

Is it our drinking?

No.

Oh, it's the usher, right?

Dude, it's the usher.

He got you hot in the loins,
then he left you for dead?

What, is it Sheldon?

I mean, who cares about Sheldon?

What, are you afraid to
return Sheldon's phone calls?

You know, you always adopt
this childlike mentality

with powerful men.

Is it the square?

Because I need to bust it
out so you can remit payment.

What kind of therapist
babbles like this?

Are you a gumshoe?

Are you on cocaine again?

Are you using?

I don't even know
what you mean by that.

I think you're on cocaine.

And I don't think we
should have sessions when

you're on the.

So you don't want to
use the Square or?

Here. Here.

Fuck the Square.

Here.

You want money so bad?

There.

And I am not scared of Sheldon.

That's actually ridiculous.

You should be ashamed
of that theory.

Sheldon.

Where have you been?

I'm treading water here.

I couldn't handle the
mutiny, obviously.

All actors want is to act.

All day they're dying
to get back here

to be anyone but themselves.

You somehow made them
prefer their own lives

to the land of make-believe?

I mean, that's impressive, Sam.

Can you just help me
get Rudie to fold?

He blocked my number.

No, I will not
take on your drama.

Please just help me out.

It's your theater.

I will not take on your drama!

Look, what's behind
every powerful man?

A family with money?

A woman who gains
power by proxy.

Clara.

Come on, man.

Open the door.

Open the door!

God, Sam.

Hey.

I'm not supposed to talk to you.

But you kind of
want to, don't you?

Well, I don't.

'Sup?

A lot of bowls.

Hmm.

I'd be careful.

You're on really thin ice.

Am I?

So life is good, then?

Having fun following a
male-led mutiny against

a first-time female director?

My God.

Sam, don't embrace those labels.

They're not labels,
they're facts.

I have a vagina, no?

I don't know.

Fact... you have one too.

Fact... you and your vagina took
me and my vagina for granted.

And you and your vagina left
me and my vagina for dead.

I'm really uncomfortable

with the direction this
conversation is going.

Are you?

Because I thought
you loved the body.

I do.

And I thought you
loved medical terminology.

I do.

You turned your back on me.

And now you and me are
sitting here with our fucking

dicks in our hands.

We got nothing to do.

Fuck.

You're right.

Fucking Rudie.

He's projecting his
mother onto you.

It's not fair.

You're completely childless.

He doesn't go to therapy.

I bet he doesn't do
anything like that.

He doesn't do any
work on himself.

I do so much work
on myself, Sam.

I'm so scared of
losing the show.

We won't.

We're going to get
it back, Clara.

Yeah.

You have to talk to him.

OK.

The show must go on.

Yes.

The show must go on!

It has to.

God, he does this to me.

He does this to everyone.

That's what a star does.

You're a star too.

Do you really think so?

I hate how much I needed
to hear that from you.

Never forget that.

Also, full disclosure,
I fucked Greggy.

It was something I had to do.

I'm glad you came.

Me you. CLARA:
Thought you might.

Vag... vag you came.

Vag you came.

I was nervous.

Yeah. SAM: Look.

- I think I'm...
- Oh my God.

I was so nervous.

Yeah.

God.

See, he always finds
these cushy jobs.

Here we are.

Where?

There.

Oh.

Hey, Rudie.

You're looking great, bud.

I am so sorry that you had to
sit there and watch me struggle

through my learning curve.

It wasn't fair to you, no
matter how imbalanced the scales

of gender are in directing.

Stick to the script.

But, Rudie, the show
must go on, right?

You should have thought
about that before you

went ballistic in
a tech rehearsal

and turned my life's
passion into a chore!

Rudie, you hate chores
because your mother turned

love itself into a chore.

But I am not her, I promise you.

And you cannot let those
ancient feelings stop our show.

You don't belong here
shilling fast fashion.

OK?

It's crass.

She's right.

You are one of the
best damn actors

I have ever laid eyes on.

You belong on the stage!

The show must go on.

The commute is better.

The show must go on!

The show must go on.

The show must go on.

Oh, this feels good!

Yes. CLARA:
It does feel good.

I have to admit it.

It feels good.

I'm in.

Amazing!

I'll rally the cast.

Wait.

Was there an earthquake today?

No, I don't think so.

Oh, weird.

It looks like you got
ready during an earthquake.

We are back!

We are Back!

Rain's coming in.

Rain's coming in!

I am hungry!

Oh, man.

Sam, aren't you always
hungry at this age?

I'm like, oh!

Oh, I missed you guys.

I love you!

Being here in this
group, I missed that.

I missed feeling the room.

I missed hearing
language, staying

alert, going what's that?

What's my line, and
then knowing that it was

already in me the whole time.

You all missed each other.

Got it!

Yeah.

We fiddled with the
pressure balancing valve.

It should keep the rain
temperature from fluctuating.

Great, guys.

Nice adjustment.

Yeah.

That way you can't
get severely burned.

Cool beans.

It's pretty cool beans!

Why do you say it
so high like that?

Why do you say it
so high like that?

Shut up!

All right.

All right, guys.

This production is a
total fucking heat roller.

Not sure what that
means, guys, but let's

keep our...

Is heat roller good or bad?

Keep our thoughts up there, OK?

We're trying to focus down
here. We've got a big job ahead.

Yeah, drinks later.

Love you.

Great to see you guys again.

Fuck off!

Let's shake that off.

You guys, I promised you
a treat once, didn't I?

Well, today is the
day that treat is back

a bajillion donuts.

Hello.

Oh my god.

I love donuts!

They make me so happy.

Cast donuts, huh?

Typical.

Robbie, enter stage right.

Robbie, don't.

Sugar can cause complications

that ultimately result in
death, inflammation, diabetes.

Come on, man.

One donut could realistically

feed up to 10 people.

What in God's name
are you doing?

And what's the accent?

What is this?

He's taking two donuts!

Exeunt Robbie.

You know, a lot of
different personalities

in here, but let's just
keep the energy up.

Yoo hoo.

Oh, Thimberly.

You slipped in undetected.

That's what I said
to Miles last night.

Good news, gang.

We got Alabama jazz.

Hurray!

Alabama jazz!

Amazing.

Really punctures the eyes.

Hey, gal.

Do you want to see our
curtain call or what?

Yeah, a little curtain call
showcase for Thimberly.

Come right this way.

And...

Oh, look at this.

Oh.

Oh, my friends.

I believe we're
ready for previews.

I knew it. I knew it.

Miles and I would
like to invite you

all over for a cautiously
celebratory dinner tomorrow

night at 3:30.

Yes!

I accept.

Will there be lobster?

Miles does all the cooking.

Well, that's such a
wonderful invite, Thimberly.

- Dress sharp.
- Wow.

OK.

Oh, a 3:30 dinner?

No ripped jeans.

- Oh, I say.
- I dare say.

Are we at Buckingham Palace?

I feel like I'm in London.

Act like you've
been there before.

Look at this house.

Hi.

Hello.

Hi.

Thimberly and Miles?

Yes.

Yes.

It's that house over there.

Yeah, the small one.

Over there.

Yeah, there's a path.

Open your eyes.

Take the path. Just
take the path and go.

All right.

Are you stupid?

Go down the path.

This way! WOMAN:
Just keep walking.

Oh, hi.

Careful on that top step.

Guess it's down here.

Come on down.

I want to go to that house.

Would anyone like more beans?

I dream of beanie.

Did you just say,
I dream of beanie?

Oh my God.

Beyond my wildest beans.

You know, it's so funny.

We thought you lived up
in the large, white house.

The mansion up on the hill,

the big, white mansion.

But we're not there.

No.

How else do you think we
would accumulate wealth?

Ah. MILES: We
scrimp, we save.

We live below our means in the
guest house of our own mansion.

Why don't people do that?

And a TikToker lives
in our mansion.

I love TikTok.

And this is Sugar Belle.

She lives under the table.

Would anyone like
some more water?

Hmm.

Thank you.

You know, your art
here is so evocative.

Oh, yes.

Really, though.

The horse, kind of classic
symbol of aristocracy.

I love the back legs.

Pardon me.

Sheldon intimated
that perhaps you lot

had skipped some
rehearsals and were

squandering our investment.

Don't start, Miles.

It is a fair line of
inquiry, Thimberly.

It was a creative decision.

Yeah.

We needed to take a beat,
come back to it fresh.

Young man, that's a
waste of our funds.

Miles, can I just ask, is

that your actual
shoulder muscle,

or is that a shoulder
pad? Can I...

Oh.

Oh my God.

Wow, Miles.

It's a muscle.

Oh!

Muscle, muscle, muscle.

Hercules.

My secret is I don't
eat breakfast or lunch.

And then for dinner

almost nothing.

And then you have to
keep moving all the time.

Never stop moving and stay low.

Always keep moving because it
keeps the pounds off and will

keep your metabolism high.

Move, move, move, move, move.

Keep moving.

And stay low when I walk,
lower than you would think.

Never stop moving.

And that's why I'm
fit as a fiddle.

Bravo.

- Bravo.
- I love you guys.

That sounds hard, fella.

I show no signs of slowing down.

No, you don't.

Oh, thank you.

Do you know clapping push-ups?

I do those too.

Miles, if you can do
that, you have to!

No, I'm not going to do them.

I really... I really...

I beg thee!

For you, perhaps, young lady.

Let's go, let's go, let's go.

Lucky day.

Come on, come on,
come on, come on.

Let's see.

Miles!

Miles, Miles,
Miles, Miles, Miles.

The inspiration!

And...

He must be exhausted.

- Oh my god.
- Miles?

Miles? SIMON: Bro.

Miles?

Is he dead or is he
just being silly?

Miles!

Sam, what did you do?

Miles, don't go.

Not yet.

Don't leave me alone
with the staff.

Hello, hello.

Hello, Corden!

Corden.

Corden, Corden!

How you doing, man?

- Amazing.
- There we go.

I'm back. RUDIE:
How was Channing?

Was he nice?

Did you make, like, $1,000,000?

Channing was... was chill, yeah.

We had fun.

And my star meter raised 19%.

So that counts for something.

But it feels good to be
back here with you guys.

You're like family to me in
that I don't know you that well,

- but I care about you.
- That's so sweet.

Yeah.

And before anybody asks, no,
I haven't changed too much.

Well, your body hasn't changed.

That's for sure.

Yeah, your body
hasn't changed either.

Please, how can you tell?

I'm swimming in this thing.

Miles is dead.

No shit.

Oh, looks like it might rain.

Rain might clear away the smoke
from all those factory farms.

Oh, boy.

Sit down here to
my morning paper.

Home sweet home.

This is our third home,
due to factory fires.

So excuse me, mama.

I'm going to go show
you where Buck is now.

Said I'm drunk on
raspberry cordials.

Yes, I am.

Oh, my grandma mm a,
grandpappy, and the house.

Oh, the house before we
lost it in the factory fire.

There it is, that
familiar smell,

the factory fire.

We've had three
this year already.

What's one more?

I've lost all my
friends in those fires.

It's blazing!

Do they even like it?

It was so lukewarm.

God.

I'm used to standing
fucking ovations.

Sam's extremely green.

Give her a break.
She's in menopause.

She's an idiot.

Yeah, it kind of
sucks being back.

We would love to dedicate
tonight's performance,

y'all, to somebody who is dead.

Our guy who is a part of
the community theater and we

love him.

He's dope.

Miles, we love you,
and we miss you.

Come back.

No, he can't.

But, Thimberly, we are
here with you, girl.

Oh, why!

No, I mean, we can always

- change that blocking and stuff.
- Oh my god.

Paparazzi. Is it Zac Efron?

Wait a second.

Is this for me?

Oh my God.

Oh my God, congrats.

Great preview.

It's a start, you know.

What's this?

They're just doing a story
on my little theater.

Congratulations.

I'm Rudie.

Yeah, we've met.

She's here every day.

You know, your
hair looks so rad,

all piled up like a sea goddess.

Can I touch it?

Come on, I think we should
have stopped at rad.

No one stopped her?
No one stopped her?

No, we should get out of here.

We're mucking up your
whole setup here.

Hey, great work on
everything, you guys.

You really nailed it today.

Big things for you.

Wow.

Thank you, Rudie.

Good job, Rudie.

R-U-D-I-E.

I really want you to come
see my show, Oil & Rancor.

It's at the Yellow Goat.

I would be absolutely
delighted to.

OK, great. I'll put
you on the list.

No, I want to buy a ticket.

I want to support.

It's sold out.

I'll... I'll throw
your name in the list.

Sold out?

That's so great.

I just can't even freaking

believe that ghosts are real.

But they sure are.

Because I'm one.

We have a saying.

If there's a factory fire,
it's probably Tuesday.

I killed daddy!

Follow me on Instagram.

Yes?

Are you from Down South?

I love grits.

Does that count?

Yes?

I have a question for you.

It seemed water wastey.

Are we not in a drought?

Did you get the
free tickets OK, Meg?

Yeah. SAM: All the comps?

Yeah? Good.

All right.

Any other questions from
anyone here tonight?

Anyone else?

Oh, that guy has a question.

Mm-mm.

That's all the time we have.

Thank you for
supporting live theater.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

This is such a relief.

I never get a female driver.

Interesting.

What's interesting?

Seems it would go against
the idea of feminism

to presuppose, huh, we have
the same values because

of our exterior appearance
or presumed plumbing,

even to assume, young lady,
that I'm not dangerous.

Yeah, right here is good.

Where?

Um, just really anywhere.

Not yet.

OK, look.

Right here.

What the?

- Oh my...
- That's right.

Cash, stolen guns.

Stolen guns.

Holy shit.

I'm terrified.

Of course you are.

I need to get out of
this car right now.

You don't.

OK.

I'm sorry that I felt safe.

I certainly take it back.

Where are we going?

I've got a couple of errands.

Hey, just wanted to
take a quick picture,

just to prove that
I dropped you off.

What?

- Got it.
- You're psychotic.

There are privacy laws.

Bye!

Thank you.

Hey, Sam.

It's Greggy.

Listen, I heard you didn't get
any standing O's in previews?

Yikes.

Anyway, I told you, meet me.

Chess Cafe, OK?

I'm here most afternoons,
hanging out with

my new community of cool buds.

It was a crisp summer day.

I was eating a plum.

Plums are sweet and nectary.

Where can you find a
plum tree in the city?

I've never seen one.

Yet in my childhood,
on a crisp summer day,

I did pluck the plums
and eat them slowly.

Plum!

The year is 8005.

A great plague is upon us.

I feel lost.

I am lost.

But aren't you?

Aren't we all?

Who could love me?

Who?

I've tried my whole life!

That's called America
as we know it.

Help!

Why aren't you helping me?

Don't look.

Help!

Oh!

Cords, so many cords!

My neck.

My spine, my ass,
surrounded by cords!

I can't escape the cords!

Everywhere I go... cords.

Y'all, sit down, sit down.

I wrote this play for
my soul, for your soul,

for your soul, your soul,
for all of our souls.

Theater is connection.

Art is connection.

And I believe that I was put
on this earth to connect.

Every single one of y'all
in this audience is tribe.

And the vibe is
always for the tribe.

You know what I'm saying?

And on that note, white
theater with a capital W,

your day has come and gone.

Sorry.

Star!

A plum is juicy.

Plum!

Oh my God.

You're a genius!

Thank you.

Oh, I should have
got you flowers.

You crushed it.

Oh, no worries.

I'm actually on my
way out the door.

Me and the cast are
going to go party.

Oh, that's fun.

What do you put in the water
here, and can you bottle it?

I'll take 245 bottles, please.

That's the capacity
of the Regis.

Oh, stop it.

Your show is so good.

I've never gotten a
standing O like that before.

That was so magical.

Oh, well, you know,
you can't measure

yourself on that type of crap.

I can, and I do.

Sorry.

It's your night.

It's not about all this.

It is my night.

It was so amazing.

I literally feel like a queen.

Everyone was clapping so much...
clap, clap, clap, clap, clap.

Clap, clap, clap, clap,
clap. It was so loud.

It's like my ears are still
ringing from the clap,

clap, clap, clap, clap, clap.

I mean, you felt it.

Yes, I was... it was loud.

It was crazy.

It's incredible that you

have your own crowd
that came out and just

supports you like that.

The Regis has a
built-in audience.

I feel like you got
your own crowd too.

I know, but white theater's over

so I guess I need a new job.

Oh.

You took that personal?

No, I'm kidding with you.

I said white theater
with a capital W. Yeah, I

felt comfortable
enough in the moment

to express the sentiment
that the theater

establishment is musty.

I didn't say you.

I don't even know how
we got on this topic.

You were mad I got a
standing O. Remember that?

Yeah, because if you never
get one, that's on you, love.

Whoa. Come on.

I'm not trying to
make this about me.

I'm just in this
weird situation where

everyone's comparing
me to this man

who has 20 years of experience.

And it's not fair, like.

OK, you know what?

I don't feel supported
in this visit.

Yeah, this... this is draining.

You have some blind spots.

Me?

Yeah.

Big time.

If you feel anything
less than grateful

for an opportunity
that was literally

plopped into your lap,
you got to reconsider.

I'm not the person to
talk to about this.

What?

I mean, come on.

I... what... what can I
do to be better, then?

It actually reminds
me of this joke.

What's the difference between
a thoughtful white person

and a thoughtless white person?

What?

Nothing.

I should have learned my
lesson with Lena Dunham,

but I simply love Girls.

For what it's worth, I
didn't love her play.

But I thought it
was just so good.

Of course you did.

Thank you for understanding

that I'm going to need
you to pay up front now.

Yeah.

So I saw Star's play
and just... boom,

standing ovation right away.

I'm like, what am I doing?

I feel like I have
nothing to say.

You're having a breakthrough.

I am?

You don't have much to say.

Well, let me say this

give me all my
money back, addict!

I don't have it.

What?

I spent it.

Sam, I have a
gambling addiction.

Good god.

I never I was perfect!

I... I do have something to say.

Ow.

You hurt my hand!

OK.

OK, you need to pay for this.

Oh my goodness.

I fucking paid at the beginning.

That is my bad. You did.

I apologize.

Please excuse me.

I have to step away
from this, for I

must attend opening night
of my directorial debut

at the Regis Theater.

Sounds like you don't
need me anymore.

I guess I'll just
jump off a bridge.

Meg!

No, daddy. No.

Hey, guys.

Slap looks fantastic.

Corden, it's been so nice
having you back at the Regis.

Oh, I told you I'd be
back as long as you let me

miss almost all the rehearsals.

And you're a man of your word.

Now, mama. MARJORIE: Yeah.

Papa.

My vet and my pro, I've got a
new monologue for each of you.

On opening night?

Enjoy the show.

Let's do this warm-up for Miles.

Hell yeah.

Love you, Miles.

I feel you here.

What's coming in?

Rain's coming in.

Hmm.

This world, I see
it with new eyes now

white privilege,
infrastructure designed

to support us while
cutting the other out

of the American dream.

Generational wealth!

And don't you even get me
started on so-called illegals.

Hmph.

You know who the biggest
illegal of all was, don't you?

Why, Mr. Christopher Columbus.

Capitalism chews up and
spits out the have-nots.

And for what?

The almighty dollar.

Yeah, just look at our

our public school systems and
the prison industrial complex.

Yeah, that's a great example.

And it's... it's all by design.

So think about that.

I love advertising.

It's about balance, something
I never had in this house.

Because you tore through this
family like a factory fire,

Mama.

I may be a ghost,
but I'm still here!

Oh, the wrath of those I
bore and those I raised

is like a weight tied
to my torso, dragging me

and all my good intentions
downward toward oblivion.

Rain's coming in.

Shame, shame on your fake rain!

Shame, shame on your fake rain!

We are in a water crisis.

Oh, dinner's ready.

Mama, we ought to invite Buck.

Lillie Mae's sweet on him.

Oh, my husband Buck,
the... the father

of my unborn child!

And, yes, I am pregnant!

Buck!

Shame, shame, shame, shame.

Shame, shame, shame,
shame, shame, shame, shame,

shame, shame, shame,
shame, shame, shame, shame,

shame, shame, shame, shame!

Yeah, yeah.

Fuck you!

Shame, shame, shame,
shame, shame, shame,

shame, shame, shame, shame.

Oh!

Ow!

How do you have so much
paint in this theater?

I don't get it.

But I want to thank our
season ticket holders

because you make this possible.

When it's good, you
make that possible.

I thank you from the
bottom of my heart,

and I want you to know
your hard-earned cash

isn't going to waste.

The Q&A is still on!

It was a colorful
evening, obviously.

But, yeah, does
anyone have a question

for any of these
brilliant souls up here?

Let's focus on the work.

Let's focus on the work, huh?

Sam, you've admitted
yourself publicly

that you're not Southern.

OK.

So at a time when
authenticity reigns supreme,

you are inauthentic.

Why?

What can she do, right?

She's supposed to write
a play about a writer

who becomes a director?

And then directs that?

Man.

I think that'd be
a hall of mirrors.

Who wrote Peter Pan, a pirate?

Think about it.

Martin McDonagh wrote a
whole movie about Missouri

from across the pond.

Or the dream... he wrote
Single Ladies, and he's a man!

All right, they've been
working really hard to put

on a great show for you guys.

They really have, OK?

So they would love
a question, in spite

of all the weird setbacks with
environmentalists apparently

just kind of pegging
me and Clara, which

is sort of sexist in a way.

Weird.

Sexist environmentalists.

What's up, man?

Hello, sir.

Here.

Oh, oh.

I'm not sexist.

Oh.

Thanks, Sam.

Oh, wait.

I really do have a question.

Where is this play set?

The Deep South.

No, you cannot ask a question.

Yeah, you don't get
a question, honeybun!

Well, it's clearly
a fictional location

with conflicting cultural
and geographical references

and accents and costumes.

Ugh, you coastal elites,

you love our cracker barrels
and our Southern plays

and our need for jet
skis and ferrets,

but you sneer at
rural values when

you get in the voting booth.

OK, I'd rather not enter a full

political discussion right now.

Oh, watch whiteness work.

What does that mean?

Why don't you treat water
as a precious resource?

My God, look at all the water

coming up and down my tits!

Oh, go, go, go, go, go.

Why isn't grief linear?

Why does it spin relentlessly
around like a tornado?

Why are you a Jew?

Why did you sleep with me?

Really?

I'm your subordinate

in a professional setting.

Well, I was drunk!

You know I was drunk.

That's why.

That's why I would sleep with
you, because I was drunk.

Booze hound!

Sam, not an usher.

Oh, OK, Greggy.

She fucked Greggy.

Yeah.

Yeah, she did.

To bring that here.

Apologize!

Apologize.

Apologize, apologize, apologize.

Oh, oh!

Apologize, apologize!

Don't listen to them, Sam!

All right, Greggy,
that's not helping.

All right?

That's not helping.

You're not even supposed
to be in this building.

Apologize, apologize, apologize!

For what?

What do you want me
to apologize for?

You ever think about that?

You ever think about that?

What do you want me
to apologize for?

I can't even hear each thing!

You want me to apologize because
I wasn't thinking about water?

Because I fucked
some weird psycho?

Because I'm not Southern?

Sorry. Sorry.

I'm a Jew.

Help.

I'm drowning in
white woman tears.

- Jews aren't white.
- They are to me.

You think I don't know I suck?

I suck.

I know that.

And this is a group
of basic amateurs.

Basic?

Yeah, who are probably
going to... let's be frank.

They're going to live and
die on this shitty stage.

Hey!

Yeah, I don't know...

But I tried.

I tried, and no one's happy.

I can barely pay my rent.

I don't know whose dream
this is, but it's not mine.

I just realized that right now.

It's not mine.

Caring is one piece
of the puzzle.

Talent is another.

Then you write a
fucking play, Rudie!

OK.

That's it.

Yeah, you can write it
with this stupid audience!

Sheldon, are you
going to do anything?

Shut up, Clara!

There's no one
waiting in the wings.

There's no man who's going to
come out and fucking save you.

Do you get it?

You're being scary
girl right now.

I know. I'm going to shut down.

Sheldon is not coming,
because Sheldon's

a fucking pussy.

But no one sees that.

Because if anyone in this
entire theater is a pussy,

Sheldon is a pussy.

Sheldon is a pussy!

It's over.

We've reached an impasse.

Great.

Don't think I forgot
how you flirted

with Miles, ogling
his muscles, begging

him to fatally exert himself.

Please understand, I had zero

attraction to your husband.

He is out of your league.

Wouldn't have touched you with
a 10-foot pole, which he had,

by the way.

Trust is broken, and
maybe you are too.

Oh, maybe so.

Yeah.

In brighter news, someone
familiar with the play

has graciously thrown
his hat into the ring.

Oh, who, pray tell?

Rudie.

Oh, perfect.

We felt it made sense.

Did ya?

Maybe tell Rudie that
actors are not hyenas

or whatever mythical
shit you ascribe to them.

They're just very stupid people.

I see.

Everything is the man's fault.

In this case, yes.

No, look inward, Sam.

I do.

I go to therapy every
week with one of the best

therapists in this country.

And this is where it brought
me, this shitty fucking office.

I hated this job.

And this trophy, I've
been looking at it.

I fucking hate it.

Eh!

Gah!

Can't even knock over a trophy.

I fucking hate this place.

I quit.

You're fired.

Sam, you finally made it.

How do you like my new office?

It's kind of gross.

These are some of my buddies

who have also made mistakes.

You're one of us now,
one of the outcasts.

I'm sorry.

Are there no levels here?

Everyone's just clumped together
with me, a woman who had

a minor outburst at a theater?

Protesters got you ruffled, huh?

I see you're wearing all black.

Are you in mourning
for your life?

Yeah.

Anyway, it doesn't matter.

It's over.

I'm out.

Rudie's directing.

Rudie?

He's great, very competent.

He has zero
directing experience.

But he seems competent.

You know what I do when I
feel low, when I feel down?

I just meditate on all
those standing O's.

Oh, hey.

I have got some exciting news
in the Greggy Land department.

What?

I think I finagled
myself a gig with

drum roll... Nickelodeon.

What?

Maybe I'll put in a word.

That would be so
huge for me right now

if you would really do that.

Got you.

Thanks.

Hey, can I put my hands

on both sides of your butt?

I'm doing this book
about butt measurements.

And I think...

I'm an idiot.

Desperation, and you
smelled it on me.

Of course.

Don't salute me.

Fucking weirdos, you
ruin people's lives.

Hey, the book is
legit, all right?

And I'm serious
about Nickelodeon.

Sam!

Rudie rules.

I love him.

I love the confidence.

Sorry.

With Rudie, it feels right.

I just have to say
that. It just does.

It's so automatic, so organic.

We're like Laurel and Hardy,
just two total freaks.

The woman has lost power.

The man is in power.

And everyone is happy.

Rudie doesn't care
how people see him.

I like that.

You don't care about people.

That's my shit.

Yeah, he's a

he's an alpha.

Objectively, that's
better for the play,

if you believe in objectivity.

I don't.

I'm going to go
be in Star's play.

She's special, you know?

She lets there be water
where Rudie is brick.

Can't build a house
with brick, but you

can build a lake with water.

I just realized I
have K in my pocket.

Why did I take over?

Why does a wild dog
attack a water buffalo?

It's not my fault Sam
is weak or like a mom.

Don't act like I'm the only
person who hates their mother.

Most people do.

Hmm.

They brought us into this mess.

What was the game plan?

I mean, literally everything
bad that happens to us

is their fault.

I'm a Republican.

I don't need a
mother, one to call my own.

I don't need a mother;
The theater is my home.

The best day of my life!

I realized I don't
like the arts.

It's extremely manic.

I love it here.

Everything is in its place.

There's order.

I'm content.

I'm finally content.

Finance, who knew?

And they say they may have a
full-time position opening up.

So we'll see.

But I'm very happy.

Trying
to give you up... fiasco.

When I'm not with you,
I'm in airplane mode.

Trying to give you up

fiasco.

When I'm not with you, I'm
stuck in airplane mode.

Airplane mode, airplane mode,
airplane mode, airplane mode.

Had to give you up.

Didn't choose to.

I don't feel like me
when I'm not with you.

You will always come,
but you never stay.

We will always fall and
go our separate ways.

How did I start walking
down this lonely road?

Lonely road.

That will always take
me as I grow more alone.

I miss our contact.

I miss holding hands.

This be aching.

Trying to give you up... fiasco.

When I'm not with you,
I'm in airplane mode.

Trying to give you up

fiasco.

When I'm not with you, I'm
stuck in airplane mode.

In a silk robe drinking
coffee all alone.

You know nothing good
ever happens in my phone.

You know nothing good
ever happens in my phone.

I took a wrong turn
at a fork in the road.

Now I'm drinking
coffee in my silk robe.

Now I'm all alone drinking
coffee in my robe.

Oh!

Airplane mode.

I'm all alone, baby.

Trying give you up

fiasco.

Ah!

When I'm not with you,
I'm in airplane mode.

Trying to give you up

fiasco.

Can't give you up, baby!

When I'm not with you, I'm
stuck in airplane mode.

Airplane mode,
airplane mode, baby.

Trying to give you up

fiasco.

When I'm not with you,
I'm in airplane mode.

Trying to give you up

fiasco.

When I'm not with you, I'm
stuck in airplane mode.

Airplane mode, airplane mode,
airplane mode, airplane mode.