All language subtitles for The Completely Made-Up Adventures of Dick Turpin S01E04 Curse of the Reddlehag 1080p ATVP WEB-DL DDP5 1 Atmos H 264-FLUX

Stand and deliver.

Your money or your... Geoffrey.

Wow.

Actually, today doesn't
really work for me.

I've done my back in,

so I can't really stand.

What about "crouch and deliver"?
Has anyone ever done that?

Nell, could he
crouch and deliver?

Crouch, squat... jump
up and down, I don't care.

- Just open the cart.
- No, no. I wouldn't rob this if I was you.

I'm actually transporting
the Reddlehag.

The Reddlehag? Who's that?

Well, she's basically an evil witch
who sucks men's souls and women's.

Yeah, 'cause, you
know, she's not that fussy.

Come on, Geoffrey.
Witches don't exist.

They're just a mixture
of superstition, misogyny

and a fear of what
we don't understand.

No, no. She's genuinely a witch.

Or a trend-bucking
freethinker like me.

No, no. She's a witch.

Uh, boss, quick sidebar.

Now, you know I
support you 1000%,

but witches are my
all-time biggest fear.

Me too. Because when I
was 12, I got cursed by a witch.

My voice went deep.

I got taller. Hair started
happening everywhere.

Okay, here's a
kind of radical idea.

Instead of a sort of
weird, witchy adventure,

why don't we rob some, um...
Oh, God, what's it called again?

- Oh, yeah. Money.
- No.

Moose, you gotta face your
fears. Honesty, that was puberty.

And, Nell, not
everything's about money.

I mean, maybe this
lady needs our help.

Let me deal with this.

Can't breathe.

I can't breathe.

I can't breathe.

Oh, you've rescued
me. Thank you so much.

I was so terrified.

So terrified.

Your faces.

You're like, "Oh, no. Oh,
no. She can't breathe."

Of course, I can breathe.

Fire!

What the hell?

Okay, guys, I've
reassessed the situation.

I think she might
be a witch after all.

Yeah, yeah. I did
say that. Yeah.

Stay calm, everyone!

This is a routine
magical lockdown.

- Stay home. Save lives.
- Everybody, panic!

A big, red, fiery witch
is gonna kill us all!

I have no idea what's happening.

I repeat. I have no idea
what the hell is going on.

Meaty treats, all you can eat.

Steaks so rare they're
practically a collector's item.

Dad, you've got to get inside.
The Reddlehag's on the loose.

That's just what they
want you to think, Son.

Reddlehag's just a ruse
made up by the powers that be

to make us let them
take away our freedom.

Your idiot son released her.

Believe that if you want.

No witch's curse is as harmful as not
being able to hug your grandchildren.

You don't have
any grandchildren.

Yes, whose fault is that?

I've always dreamed of a
grandchild to inherit my cleavers.

Quick, to The Ruin.

Sausages for freedom.

Come on out and eat 'em.

Don't you need to be
inside for that to work?

Oh, no. Now I'm more
exposed than ever.

Okay.

I got hagstones to ward her off,

pentagrams to sanctify the space and
red pepper hummus for self-defense.

Everyone knows
witches hate hummus.

And I'm gonna hang this sign on the
door and change it from "open" to "closed."

What? That won't
work on witches.

- Why? They can read, can't they?
- We're all gonna die.

Can't they?

Okay, supernatural lock-in.

If you're sheltering here,
it's a five-drink minimum.

And it's unhappy
hour. Prices are double.

Thanks for letting
us stay, Little Karen.

If there's any way we can repay
you... I mean, not money obviously.

Still pretty bad at
robbing coaches.

Well, you can capture
that witch for a start.

Sales have plummeted.

Even Alf's had to cancel
his life drawing classes.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, Alf.

Worse for Tony, to be honest.

Okay, so we're hiding in a pub,

which is a great strategy
for a surprise party

but less so for
fighting a witch.

Well, we don't have
to fight her, Nell.

We could reason with her.

She's pretty stylish. We
could exchange fashion tips.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

You can't reason
with her, Turpin.

She works for the devil himself.

Okay, I've got her
case file here, right?

Apparently, if she
chooses your village,

she'll then suck the soul out
of everyone who lives there.

And I did not know that.

I mean, you don't
seem very worried.

No, no.

Well, technically, right... I
reside in Jersey for tax purposes.

So it doesn't
actually affect me.

Fair enough.

Well, maybe she didn't
choose our village.

Maybe she flew around our
village and went on holiday instead,

to the Seychelles.

Actually, I think
that might be her.

Hmm. Thank you, Dick. I don't
know what we'd do without you.

The Reddlehag.

She's real.

Hello.

Oh, my God. Did she
just vaporize George?

- What?
- Oh, yeah, yeah.

She also turns people
into chickens. Yeah.

Chickens?

Well, it's any flightless
bird, to be honest with you.

Emus, dodoes, peacocks, penguins,
emperor penguins, dead pigeons.

But as I say, you
know, mainly chickens.

I hate chickens.

Beady-eyed monsters
with their jerky bodies.

I mean, this just gets
worser and worser.

No, no, it's all right.

It says here, right, she can't be invited
in unless we speak her name 27 times.

Great.

So all we have to do is
not say Reddlehag 27 times.

Not like Reddlehag's
even a common word.

I mean, you have to go out
of your way to say Reddlehag.

Wait, what does
Reddlehag actually mean?

Interesting bit of trivia.

The reddle in Reddlehag
is actually from a dye,

and the hag is obviously,
you know, a hag.

So it's reddle, hag.

- Reddlehag.
- Hmm.

Yeah, has anyone noticed we've
just started saying Reddlehag a lot?

We haven't said
Reddlehag that many times.

I mean, I said Reddlehag.
Moose said Reddlehag.

Honesty, you definitely
said Reddlehag.

And Geoffrey said
Reddlehag a few times.

And then you said Reddlehag.

And then you just said
Reddlehag a load more times.

Oh, my God.

What are we doing?

I think we just
entered the teens.

Okay, stop panicking. All we
have to do is not say Reddlehag.

You just said Reddlehag.

Okay, that's a great example of
what we're not supposed to do.

What are we not supposed to do?

- Say Reddlehag.
- Reddlehag.

No, don't say Reddlehag.

Well, why would you
tell me to say Reddlehag

if you didn't want me
to say Reddlehag?

I didn't tell you
to say Reddlehag.

You said Reddlehag when I was
telling you not to say Reddlehag.

Oh, my God. I
can't stop saying it.

Okay, I think we just
reached a critical point.

So nobody say Reddleh...

Hmm. Nobody say that word again.

Okay. It's not that hard, is it?

Guys, you've gotta be
careful. There's a witch outside.

- She's called the, um...
- No, no, no.

Uh, um, I can't remember.

Stay safe, yeah?

Thank God.

For a minute, I thought he
was gonna say Reddlehag.

Did somebody say my name?

- Ooh.
- Get her, Nell!

What?

You got something in your teeth.

This is nice, isn't it?

It's been ages since
I been in a boozer.

Ooh! What shall I have?

What shall I have? What
shall I have? What shall I have?

Oh, I know.

I'll have a pint of souls!

Don't worry, guys. I got this.

Hi. Dick Turpin.

We met earlier actually.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Couldn't help overhearing
that you were after some souls.

Love souls, very moreish.

I wonder if I could tempt you
into having something else?

Maybe a champagne cocktail.

We d... We don't do
champagne cocktails.

Vodka, lime and soda?

- Those can be fun.
- Dick, you know we only have beer.

Kill me.

Okay... what about beer?

Ice-cold beer, slide into
a booth, shoot the breeze.

Keep those beers coming.

I mean, not all night. I've
got stuff to do in the morning.

All right.

Really?

Little Karen, uh, two beers.

And, um, will you
be paying for that?

Yeah, just put it on my tab.

What tab? Hang on,
you don't have a tab.

- Can we talk about this later?
- Not really.

Sort of got a
situation going on.

There you go. Lovely
ice-cold beer. Cheers.

- Hmm. Nice head.
- Me or the beer?

Oh!

That is rank. Yuck!

I'll change the barrels again.

Why would you give
me generic lager?

I'm so sorry.

I just don't know what I
was thinking. I panicked.

Um, okay, let's
change tack slightly.

Do you fancy a latte?

Stick to what you know!

I know what I'll
have. Your soul.

Your soul. Your soul.

Ooh, not yours.

And a packet of pork
scratchings, please.

See?

I knew it worked on witches.

Guys, we got a problem.

Ooh, you're tickling.

You know I can break out of
these ropes anytime I want.

Can't be bothered.

Shut up.

You turn Dick back into
Dick, or you're dead-lehag.

Sorry. Sorry, sorry. Dick is?

This poor, beautiful man that you
turned into an appalling, pecky monster.

And don't pretend it's not him, yeah?
'Cause we can see the eggs he's laying.

Oh, him. Oh, your boyfriend.

I turned the man you love
into a chicken, and you're angry.

I get it.

He's not my boyfriend.
He's not the man I love.

- Yeah, you fancy him though, don't you?
- I don't fancy him.

- Yes, you do.
- I don't.

- Yes, you do.
- No, I don't.

Oh, it's obvious,
isn't it? It's obvious.

- It may be a little bit actually.
- No, stop it.

- No, um...
- Now, let's have some fun. Come on.

When you gonna burn me?

Chase me around with pitchforks,
dunk me in water, torture me.

Oi, bum face. You
might enjoy that.

Nell, she's doing scary eyes.

I'm not. Oh, my God.
He's so oversensitive.

She's doing them right now.

Dick, don't look.

It's really freaking me out.

Will you chill out, please? Oh,
I swear I'm not doing anything.

Now, come on, burn me.

Burn me, burn me, burn me,

- burn me, burn me, burn me.
- Oh, my God. You are so irritating.

Burn me.

Okay, I think we
should kill her.

There's a fireplace there.

It's quite small, but we can put her
feet in it and kind of fan the flames.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. I
wouldn't do that if I was you.

If you kill her, her magic dies too and
your boyfriend remains a chicken forever.

He's not my boyfriend.

Forever?

Y-You mean he'll be
an immortal chicken?

No, forever as in the
average life span of a chicken.

Okay, what's that?

About five to ten years in the
wild and up to two years in captivity.

You know, depending on
whether he's a layer or a broiler.

So if we kill her, we lose Dick.

But if we don't, she'll
send us all to hell.

I mean, that's a no-brainer.

Get her in the fire.

Well said.

The boss has spoken. Hmm?

Fine.

We'll get Dick back,
and then we'll burn her.

But if I end up in hell, I'm
gonna be absolutely furious.

I've got the best
idea. Let's go to Craig.

- He'll know what to do.
- Yeah.

I mean, he definitely
won't, but it's worth a try.

Okay, you two go and
don't forget Chick Turpin.

I thought we agreed
on Dick Chirpin'.

Oh, they both work. Hurry up.

And what about us? We've
still got a witch in the pantry.

Yeah, but it's fine.

We just have to make sure no
one kills her until they get back.

It's easy. It's not like
anyone knows she's here.

We know you've got
the Reddlehag in there.

You've got two minutes to bring
her out for immediate burning.

Burn the witch! Burn the witch!

Get a move on, Craig.
Haven't got all day.

Here we go.

Okay.

Eye of toad, nose of
badger, dash of soya sauce.

Three tears of a virgin.

Three drops, not
mine. It's my mate's.

And voilà!

Your pouring technique's sloppy.

Color's a bit gray.

Not much of a love potion.

More of a "love spending time
with you but just as friends" potion.

Still, I suppose it'll do.

- Just.
- Thank you.

Now for the moment of truth.

One of us is gonna
have to try this.

Either way, it's
gonna get awkward.

Come near me and
it's an instant fail.

- Sorry.
- Craig!

Craig! Craig! We need your help.

Who are you? These
are exam conditions.

Yeah, but there's an evil witch out
there that wants to suck our souls.

And worse, she's turned
Dick into an horrible chicken.

Guys, honestly not a good time.

This is Maureen from the
Warlock Council. Okay?

I'm having my test
for my magic license.

Yeah, for the seventh time.

Your uncle passed
first go. Embarrassing.

Magic license? What
are you talking about?

You do magic stuff all the time.

- I mean, we've seen you.
- You got explosions...

- I mean, you do spells. Potions.
- Smoke, uh, fires cracking.

Shu... Shut up!

Shut up! Allegations. Not true.

I would never practice magic
without a license. That's illegal.

What are you writing down?
Don't write any of that down.

G... Guys, look.
I'd love to help,

but Maureen's time is more
important to me, so I c...

Actually, this is the perfect opportunity
to assess your magical competency.

Or lack thereof.

Turn your friend
back, capture the witch.

- Clock starts now.
- Sure.

Easy-peasy. Broomstick
ride in the park.

I know what I'm doing.

I do not know what I'm doing.

Burn the witch!

Burn the witch! Burn the witch!

- We're closed!
- Yeah, for a wedding.

- And a funeral.
- And a christening.

- Same family. Emotional roller-coaster.
- No.

Where is the Reddlehag?

- Reddlehag?
- What Reddlehag?

- There's no Reddlehag in here.
- I've never even heard of a Reddlehag.

Cooey!

My ears are burning!

Burn the witch! Burn the witch!

There's actually nothing
to see through here.

I don't know why you
all are coming over here.

- Hiya.
- Burn the witch!

Yeah. I know
what this looks like.

But this is not the Reddlehag.

So why is she all red?

Red is very in this season.

Why are her eyes glowing
demonically in a witchlike fashion?

- Allergies or something like that.
- She's in league with the devil!

Hey, I'm not in
league with the devil!

Do we have chemistry?

Did we hook up in Hades?

You'd have to ask him.

Burn the hag!

Finally.

- Burn the witch! Burn the witch!
- Wait, wait, stop. Stop.

I mean, you can't burn
a witch without a trial.

That is true. Fine.

We'll, uh... First
we'll hold a trial,

and then we'll burn the hag!

Okay. One Dick Turpin coming up.

There we go. Almost there.

Almost there?

He's a bloody Spaniel.

At least he's vegan now.

Stand and deliver.

It's definitely him.

Absolute incompetence.

Guys, this is the best thing
I've ever seen in my life.

Uh, I can see
Hempstead. I can see Nell.

Be careful with that crystal ball, I
haven't finished paying for it yet.

Let me see that.

It's not Hempstead, it's just a
bunch of people playing football!

Yeah, there's a game
going on in South End.

I was flicking between the two.

Well, switch it back
to the Reddlehag!

- I want to see the Reddlehag!
- Wait.

What are you doing, man?

The Reddlehag?

I'm supposed to
capture the Reddlehag?

Well, this'll be interesting.

I hereby call this
court to order.

My name is Lord Alistair Montgomery
Nigel Dephefil Rookwood XXXIII.

I'll be your judge today.

What's he even doing here?

He insists on judging
every witch trial in the area.

His favorite hobby.

We are here to determine
whether that woman,

who is definitely the Reddlehag,
is in fact the Reddlehag.

Yeah, I think you mean her.

Oh, yes, I mean that woman.

How do you plead?

Oh, um, please,
please don't kill me.

Um, please, please have
mercy, um... I don't know.

I've never done it.

I mean guilty or not guilty.

Oh, uh, guilty.

Obviously!

She means not
guilty. Not guilty.

And, come on, how
is this a fair trial?

The jury's that mob from before.

And we're going to convict!

Burn the hag! Burn the hag!

Don't worry.

No one cares about
justice more than I.

Hence why I've assumed the
role of your fair and impartial judge.

And also prosecutor.

Let the trial begin.

Please state your name,
occupation, and place of work.

Geoffrey the
Jailer, jailer, jail.

And can you identify
the Reddlehag?

Yeah, it's her, the one who
keeps saying she's the Reddlehag.

Oh, that's me. He means me.

No further questions,
Your Honor.

Very well, keep things moving.

Yes, of course, Your
Honor. Next witness!

Her. She turned into
fire and flew around.

- It was all quite triggering.
- He loved it.

I drew a picture of her.

Obsessed.

I was just here for
the life drawing class.

Her! She's the
witch! Right there!

Little Karen, we're
trying to save Dick's life!

Sorry, got carried away.
Never been a witness before.

In conclusion, she's definitely a
witch and we should definitely burn her.

Also, discount meat
treats are available.

Toast a kebab as
you roast a Reddlehag.

Objection. Bribery.

Overruled.

Thank you, Your Honor. Oh,
you're more than welcome.

And with that, I rest my case.

Oh, it's not looking
good for you, is it?

And you can't win
against free sausages.

Maybe I don't have to win, just
introduce an element of doubt.

I call John Turpin to the stand.

So, the Reddlehag can't
claim the souls of an innocent.

So what she does, she comes to town,
she does a little bit of low-key magic.

A chicken here, a chicken there.

And then a mob
forms to burn her.

And when they do, she...

- Cover little Dick's ears.
- Okay.

She takes her demon form
and claims the souls for the devil.

So if she gets burned,
Hempstead's doomed.

I mean, why don't you try
leading with that, you weirdo?

I was trying to do a
performance for, you know...

- How was that, Maureen? Was that good?
- Wasn't great.

We have to warn Nell.

I haven't turned Dick back.

- You can do it on the way.
- Hey, watch it, you're crushing the silk.

Sorry, boss.

So, John Turpin, you accused
my client of being the Reddlehag?

Correct?

I know what's what with
witches and what's a witch.

I should, too. I was married
to one for eight years.

Nice one.

So, this isn't the first
witch you've accused?

Hey, hey, don't hag-shame him.

Ah, ah, ah, ah. Well?

My suspicions might have
been previously aroused.

Hands up, anyone in here who's been
accused of being a witch by John Turpin.

He-he-he used
rosemary in a sausage.

- Witches love herbs.
- That is true, I am a flavor fiend.

So, you have a history of
casual witch accusations.

But why?

Could it be that every time there's a
witch-burning, sausage sales go up?

It's just a "coink-idence." Sausages
are very good on a barbecue.

Or you deliberately accuse innocent, if
admittedly very guilty-seeming women,

of witchcraft to drive up
sales in a meat-flogging ploy!

That is a vile conspiracy!

Oh, save it for the courts!

This is the court.

Yep, that's right. Um,
in which case, carry on.

Hmm.

Well, this is all
rather compelling.

But I think we all just
want to burn a witch.

So, I find her guilty.

Yes. Victory for
justice and sausages!

Which, by the way, are still
available at a discount rate.

And burn her too.

- Just to be sure.
- What?

Anyone defending a
witch must be a witch too.

It's basic witch logic.

What have I done?

Stake time, stake time,

- stake time!
- Burn the witch!

Get off me!

I'm not a witch!

I'm not...

- Burn the witch! Burn the witch!
- Another day, another pyre!

Wait!

You can't kill that witch.

Wait, who the hell are you?

Dick Turpin, obviously.

Sorry, sorry. Nearly
there, nearly there.

He was a child a minute ago, I
just went a bit too far the other way.

Are you warm enough, boss?

Would you like a,
uh, hot-water bottle?

Hurry up already! I'm about
to be burned to death up here.

Yeah, sorry, okay. One more
go. Just give me one more go.

Okay.

Is it important that
he stays a man?

Oh, for God's sake, here.

Oh, that is horrendous.

That is deeply troubling.

- Thanks, Maureen.
- Bosh. There we are.

You're not gonna mark
me down for that, are you?

Well, I'm not gonna mark you up.

- I'm back.
- Yes.

Everybody, listen.

You can't kill the witch,
she's trying to trick us.

She wants to be
burned. Isn't that right?

Huh?

If we burn her, she'll become
more powerful than ever.

Seriously, if you want to
survive, you have to let her live.

I know it sounds weird,
but you've got to believe me.

Burn the witch! Burn the witch!

Yeah, I think that
went pretty well.

Oh, yeah. Absolutely brilliant.

Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm
having a stressful day.

I was a chicken for most of it.

- Burn the hag! Burn the hag!
- Burn the hag!

No!

I'm not losing Dick again,
we only just got him back!

No, it-it's all right. He's giving
a big inspirational speech.

That's already happened.

Uh, I think there
might be a delay.

- Craig, do something.
- I can't.

In order to trap a
witch, you need a...

you need a real warlock,
and that's just not me.

As much as I sympathize,
I've already helped out once.

You're on your own.

No. I'm not letting the greatest
man in the world be burned!

Or Nell.

Look, you may not be a
proper warlock, all right?

You-You may be a pathetic,
bucktoothed, lonely little weirdo.

But you're our friend.

And for some strange
reason, we believe in you.

So pull yourself together

and stop this witch!

May I just say, you
have a lovely village.

And it's my honor to ignite your
inaugural Reddlehag witch-burning.

This is a nightmare.

Dad, can you not help?

In a minute, Son.

Just trying to
maximalize my profits.

I might be dead in a minute.

Let the burning commence.

Right, I need a goat's foot, twelve rose
petals, and three teaspoons of dry sage.

Stat!

I've got one pig's trotter, two dead
daffodils and some herbes de Provence.

Ah, okay, that'll have to do.

And for the love of God, can someone
please get me my red pepper hummus?

I knew it worked on witches.

No, not for the spell, I just get a
little bit wobbly when I haven't eaten.

Um, the Reddlehag, can
I ask you a final question?

I mean, you're flying around the
place, you're sucking people's souls.

You don't seem very happy.

Are you okay?

I mean, I don't know. I'm
a hag, I'm a demonic hag.

That's what I do,
that's what I am.

Yeah, I understand but, I
mean, what's in it for you?

Fame, power, opportunities
for travel, great costume,

unfettered by the physical
boundaries of the known universe.

Fair enough.

Well, I wouldn't normally
ask, but could you set us free?

I can't believe I'm doing this.

All right, Dick Turpin
and what's-her-face...

your souls are safe with me.

Really?

Of course not, you doughnuts!

I'm pure evil!

Stop!

Let my friends go, Reddlehag!

I'm not scared of you anymore!

Moose, I should do it 'cause
I'm the warlock. I'm the warlock.

- Oh, yeah, sorry.
- Thank you, thank you.

Begone, witch!

Whoa!

- No! No! No, no!
- Gotcha!

Got her!

I can feel her in there!

Oh, she's scuttling about!

Yes, Craig!

Come on!

She's shrinking! She's
shrinking! She's gone.

Well played. Well...

It's... Uh... It's a delay,
there's... there's a delay.

Congratulations, Craig,
you'll make a warlock yet.

You mean, I've got
my warlock license?

Oh, God no. You
committed 173 major errors.

Your best score yet.

So I'll see you next
year for your resit.

Idiot.

I'll take that.

I think she needs to be kept
away from wallies like you.

Where will you take her?

Somewhere she can no
longer harm innocent people.

I'm thinking one of
the Balearic Islands.

Not Ibiza, please.

Guys, I'm so proud of
you, especially you, Moose.

You really faced your fears.

I didn't think I could
do it without you, boss.

But I am a strong,
independent highwayman.

Now, never leave me again.

So, what was it like,
Dick? Being a chicken?

Yeah, it's pretty much the same.
Laying eggs is a little bit painful.

Speaking of which...

Wow.

Dad, it looks like you might
have a grandchild after all.

So, Turpin defeated
the Reddlehag.

Impressive.

His legend only grows.

Of course, to really get
to know one's opponents,

it helps to have
a spy in the camp.

But would it have killed you to
get dressed before reporting back?

I actually find this
quite liberating.

Hmm.

You don't have to look at it.

Funny, isn't it?

What a little
digging can turn up.

Hmm. Hello, Nell.

How lovely to see you again.