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1
00:00:01,504 --> 00:00:04,543
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:04,610 --> 00:00:07,749
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:07,849 --> 00:00:11,456
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,523 --> 00:00:14,462
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:14,529 --> 00:00:18,103
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:18,169 --> 00:00:21,275
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪
7
00:00:21,375 --> 00:00:23,013
♪ All the things that make us ♪
8
00:00:23,079 --> 00:00:24,281
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
9
00:00:24,381 --> 00:00:30,260
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
10
00:00:34,369 --> 00:00:36,774
Ah, homecoming games are
so exciting.
11
00:00:36,874 --> 00:00:40,113
It's like Friday Night Lights
and I'm Connie Britton.
12
00:00:40,180 --> 00:00:41,415
Wrong, and nope.
13
00:00:41,516 --> 00:00:43,420
God, I wish I was the coach
in the locker room
14
00:00:43,521 --> 00:00:45,826
giving an inspiring speech
to the players.
15
00:00:45,892 --> 00:00:47,094
Gonna tell you the one thing
16
00:00:47,195 --> 00:00:48,698
every football player
needs to know--
17
00:00:48,798 --> 00:00:50,635
"When you kill yourself,
don't touch the brain
18
00:00:50,702 --> 00:00:52,639
'cause they got to take it out
and look at it."
19
00:00:52,672 --> 00:00:54,441
[all] Yeah!
20
00:01:01,122 --> 00:01:03,728
Oh, no, it's Gayle--
the PTA president
21
00:01:03,795 --> 00:01:06,800
whose passive-aggression
can drain your life force.
22
00:01:07,869 --> 00:01:09,405
Hi, Lois Griffin.
23
00:01:09,539 --> 00:01:11,777
So, you did know
there was a game?
24
00:01:11,877 --> 00:01:14,850
Oh, hi, Gayle. Yeah, I knew.
25
00:01:14,916 --> 00:01:16,754
I'll take
those cupcakes you made.
26
00:01:16,821 --> 00:01:20,327
[gasps] Oh, you don't seem
to have any to donate.
27
00:01:20,427 --> 00:01:22,364
No, I didn't have the time.
28
00:01:22,465 --> 00:01:24,837
You have three kids,
I totally get it.
29
00:01:24,903 --> 00:01:27,241
I have four, and I work.
30
00:01:27,341 --> 00:01:29,479
Sometimes it's hard
to read a short email.
31
00:01:29,547 --> 00:01:34,021
-Spam folder?
-Oh, spam folder, yes.
32
00:01:34,121 --> 00:01:35,323
I don't have that problem
33
00:01:35,390 --> 00:01:37,796
because most of us
got rid of AOL years ago.
34
00:01:37,896 --> 00:01:40,433
If you'll excuse me,
35
00:01:40,501 --> 00:01:44,576
I have to go find my husband,
who makes $220,000 a year.
36
00:01:45,778 --> 00:01:47,815
[groaning echoes]
37
00:01:49,953 --> 00:01:52,290
[video game cheering]
38
00:01:54,797 --> 00:01:57,635
Welcome to the Adam West
High School homecoming game.
39
00:01:57,702 --> 00:02:00,039
If anyone is here
to shoot the place up,
40
00:02:00,106 --> 00:02:02,912
please do it
after the halftime show.
41
00:02:02,946 --> 00:02:04,381
The girls have worked very hard.
42
00:02:04,448 --> 00:02:06,520
But first, join me
as we say goodbye
43
00:02:06,621 --> 00:02:10,628
to Adam West High's longest
serving teacher, Mr. Trampledon.
44
00:02:10,728 --> 00:02:14,502
He's retiring after 50 years,
and is known these days
45
00:02:14,536 --> 00:02:17,609
as the last teacher in school
to employ a paddle
46
00:02:17,675 --> 00:02:20,881
and/or closed fist
on misbehaving students.
47
00:02:20,948 --> 00:02:23,486
He was formally asked
to stop doing that last week
48
00:02:23,554 --> 00:02:26,259
and... decided just to retire.
49
00:02:26,326 --> 00:02:28,463
And he'd better step lively or--
50
00:02:28,531 --> 00:02:30,668
-[grunts]
-[team whooping]
51
00:02:30,735 --> 00:02:33,373
And... tonight's game
is dedicated
52
00:02:33,440 --> 00:02:35,377
to the memory of Mr. Trampledon.
53
00:02:35,512 --> 00:02:38,483
And now, give it up for
our Homecoming King and Queen.
54
00:02:38,551 --> 00:02:40,821
They're off to never leave town
55
00:02:40,888 --> 00:02:43,961
and slowly decay
before our eyes.
56
00:02:44,028 --> 00:02:45,264
Next up,
57
00:02:45,397 --> 00:02:48,169
crowning our Homecoming Dunce,
Chris Griffin!
58
00:02:48,269 --> 00:02:49,640
[announcer] This is
Chris Griffin's fourth win
59
00:02:49,706 --> 00:02:51,544
for Adam West High
Homecoming Dunce,
60
00:02:51,577 --> 00:02:53,648
even though he's only
a sophomore.
61
00:02:53,748 --> 00:02:56,854
[sighs] Four years in a row is
nothing to be proud of.
62
00:02:56,954 --> 00:02:59,324
Dynasty.
63
00:03:02,131 --> 00:03:03,199
[TV announcer]
We now return to Hulu's
64
00:03:03,299 --> 00:03:05,504
Pam and Tommy. Lee Jones.
65
00:03:05,571 --> 00:03:09,178
Baby, are you gonna steer
the boat with your penis?
66
00:03:09,245 --> 00:03:12,184
Why would I engage
in such foolishness?
67
00:03:12,251 --> 00:03:13,954
How you feeling
after yesterday, Chris?
68
00:03:13,987 --> 00:03:17,127
Terrible. Every year
I'm the Homecoming Dunce,
69
00:03:17,194 --> 00:03:20,033
and every year
the bullying gets worse.
70
00:03:20,066 --> 00:03:23,473
Hello, everyone.
I have some news.
71
00:03:23,575 --> 00:03:25,344
I got an email
from the school saying
72
00:03:25,444 --> 00:03:27,148
they're looking
for a substitute teacher
73
00:03:27,248 --> 00:03:30,822
to replace Mr. Trampledon,
and... I applied.
74
00:03:30,889 --> 00:03:32,124
And they accepted.
75
00:03:32,224 --> 00:03:33,560
-What?
-Seriously?
76
00:03:33,594 --> 00:03:35,865
I don't know if that's
"mute the TV" news.
77
00:03:35,932 --> 00:03:37,034
Mom, you can't!
78
00:03:37,134 --> 00:03:38,837
Don't you need
a master's degree to teach?
79
00:03:38,971 --> 00:03:42,211
A master's degree is needed,
and I told them I had one.
80
00:03:42,311 --> 00:03:43,447
You lied?
81
00:03:43,514 --> 00:03:45,651
I manifested success.
82
00:03:45,718 --> 00:03:48,758
I'm a woman in her 40s,
so I manifest.
83
00:03:48,824 --> 00:03:52,331
Lying is just me taking
action steps over the truth.
84
00:03:52,431 --> 00:03:54,334
The corpse of the truth.
85
00:03:54,401 --> 00:03:56,305
You can't just say
you're a teacher.
86
00:03:56,405 --> 00:03:59,513
Oh, no? Every other man
these days throws on a dress
87
00:03:59,613 --> 00:04:01,750
and suddenly he's a woman, so...
88
00:04:04,355 --> 00:04:06,627
Okay, I met
with community leaders,
89
00:04:06,727 --> 00:04:08,429
and I'm going
to learn and listen.
90
00:04:08,496 --> 00:04:10,066
Anyway, I'm a teacher now.
91
00:04:10,167 --> 00:04:12,370
You saw how unpopular
I am at school.
92
00:04:12,470 --> 00:04:15,444
Having my mother as a teacher
will make things worse.
93
00:04:15,511 --> 00:04:16,880
I thought about that, Chris,
94
00:04:16,980 --> 00:04:21,055
which is why I applied under
the name Lois Pewterschmidt.
95
00:04:21,156 --> 00:04:23,259
But you've taught
at Adam West before.
96
00:04:23,326 --> 00:04:24,596
People won't fall for it.
97
00:04:24,663 --> 00:04:26,499
Oh, maybe I'll wear
a blonde wig?
98
00:04:26,566 --> 00:04:29,071
[gasps] Might even add
a sexy beauty mark
99
00:04:29,138 --> 00:04:30,608
so I look like Marilyn Monroe.
100
00:04:30,708 --> 00:04:33,346
Or Cindy Crawford?
Or Eva Mendes?
101
00:04:33,447 --> 00:04:35,751
Or Gabriel Macht?
The guy from Suits?
102
00:04:35,818 --> 00:04:38,323
That won't work.
I don't want this.
103
00:04:38,423 --> 00:04:41,395
-I'm going to Bonnie's room!
-You mean your room?
104
00:04:41,496 --> 00:04:44,202
No, Bonnie's room.
105
00:04:44,302 --> 00:04:45,505
[applause on TV]
106
00:04:45,572 --> 00:04:47,207
Yeah, first Wednesday
of every month,
107
00:04:47,307 --> 00:04:49,478
Bonnie visits her mom
in the home.
108
00:04:49,579 --> 00:04:51,182
Oh.
109
00:04:51,249 --> 00:04:53,019
You know,
when she and I do this,
110
00:04:53,153 --> 00:04:55,791
the first person to solve
the final puzzle on Wheel
111
00:04:55,891 --> 00:04:57,795
doesn't have to pay
for the pizza.
112
00:04:57,895 --> 00:05:01,803
Yeah, well, uh,
Bonnie's not here.
113
00:05:08,349 --> 00:05:10,253
Glad to have you aboard,
Miss Pewterschmidt.
114
00:05:10,320 --> 00:05:13,493
Let's show you around.
There's our BLM banner.
115
00:05:13,561 --> 00:05:15,731
That should probably come down,
116
00:05:15,798 --> 00:05:18,069
I think we're
all done with that.
117
00:05:18,136 --> 00:05:19,639
And our trophy case.
118
00:05:19,706 --> 00:05:21,544
We don't have many,
so I've filled it out
119
00:05:21,644 --> 00:05:23,479
with other items of achievement.
120
00:05:23,547 --> 00:05:27,020
-Oh, is that you and--?
-Counting Crows, yes.
121
00:05:27,087 --> 00:05:29,258
If you have an Amex Platinum,
you can use points
122
00:05:29,392 --> 00:05:31,228
and get backstage
at select concerts.
123
00:05:31,295 --> 00:05:33,133
You have an Amex Platinum?
124
00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:34,903
Nah, I was tenth caller
on the radio.
125
00:05:34,970 --> 00:05:37,809
No yearly fees
on a fast dialing finger.
126
00:05:37,876 --> 00:05:38,778
Life hack!
127
00:05:38,911 --> 00:05:41,516
Students, here's your new
substitute teacher,
128
00:05:41,583 --> 00:05:42,919
Miss Pewterschmidt.
129
00:05:42,986 --> 00:05:44,422
Hello, people.
130
00:05:44,455 --> 00:05:48,029
What a nice group of young,
fresh, unknown faces.
131
00:05:48,129 --> 00:05:50,601
Whoa! Check it out.
A blonde.
132
00:05:50,668 --> 00:05:53,239
Ha, that means
she starts at a B-minus.
133
00:05:53,306 --> 00:05:54,710
Look at that body.
134
00:05:54,777 --> 00:05:58,517
Today I'm learning numbers--
36-24-36.
135
00:05:58,617 --> 00:06:00,621
Oh! I want to know
when this went
136
00:06:00,721 --> 00:06:03,159
from history class
to "wood" shop.
137
00:06:03,259 --> 00:06:06,834
[purrs] Oh, doing
too much physical stuff.
138
00:06:06,901 --> 00:06:10,240
Oh, my God.
They're all leering at my mom.
139
00:06:10,306 --> 00:06:12,110
This is more embarrassing
than when Dad
140
00:06:12,177 --> 00:06:13,648
ruined my birthday party.
141
00:06:13,681 --> 00:06:16,887
Dad, is it almost time
for the piñata?
142
00:06:16,954 --> 00:06:18,155
Dad?
143
00:06:19,158 --> 00:06:20,327
Dad?
144
00:06:20,393 --> 00:06:21,564
Chris! I think I screwed up
145
00:06:21,597 --> 00:06:23,166
the party job assignments.
146
00:06:23,232 --> 00:06:24,335
Ow! Damn it.
147
00:06:24,402 --> 00:06:26,439
I'm not full of candy,
I'm a guy!
148
00:06:26,472 --> 00:06:28,677
-[cheering]
-Ooh, I am full of candy.
149
00:06:28,744 --> 00:06:30,614
Wait a minute,
if I'm full of candy,
150
00:06:30,714 --> 00:06:32,217
where are my insides?
151
00:06:32,317 --> 00:06:34,121
I did it. I'm alive!
152
00:06:34,154 --> 00:06:37,061
Now to move in with my sister,
Hilaria Baldwin.
153
00:06:37,127 --> 00:06:39,599
♪ ♪
154
00:06:47,982 --> 00:06:49,686
[phone buzzes]
155
00:06:53,727 --> 00:06:57,502
Oh, no! Cinematic text messages
give everything away.
156
00:06:57,568 --> 00:06:59,539
[Trey] So, Griffin,
what's your problem?
157
00:06:59,639 --> 00:07:01,777
-What did you say?
-What?
158
00:07:01,877 --> 00:07:04,583
-I said, "What did you say?"
-What?
159
00:07:04,650 --> 00:07:06,987
This might go easier
if you just let me sit
160
00:07:07,120 --> 00:07:08,489
at the cool kids' table.
161
00:07:08,557 --> 00:07:10,661
[indistinct chatter]
162
00:07:11,530 --> 00:07:15,337
Wow, I can't believe
I'm at the cool kids' table.
163
00:07:15,404 --> 00:07:16,774
Hi, I'm Cody.
164
00:07:16,840 --> 00:07:18,443
Uh, here's some bread
to start you off,
165
00:07:18,511 --> 00:07:20,782
and I'll be back in a moment
to take your orders.
166
00:07:20,882 --> 00:07:23,219
Wow! Are those parmesan crisps?
167
00:07:23,319 --> 00:07:24,923
You can have
the pumpernickel stick.
168
00:07:24,989 --> 00:07:27,361
Oh, that's the only thing
I don't want.
169
00:07:27,461 --> 00:07:29,365
So, why were you weird
with Miss Pewterschmidt?
170
00:07:29,498 --> 00:07:31,002
We're teens.
We're horny for everything.
171
00:07:31,068 --> 00:07:33,974
If something's not totally
repulsive, it's hot.
172
00:07:34,074 --> 00:07:35,410
Don't you think she's hot?
173
00:07:35,477 --> 00:07:39,686
Yeah, I guess
she's a total hottie.
174
00:07:39,719 --> 00:07:40,822
What would you do with her?
175
00:07:40,922 --> 00:07:42,792
Like, if you went home
with her tonight.
176
00:07:42,892 --> 00:07:45,865
We'd eat dinner, talk a bit.
177
00:07:45,931 --> 00:07:47,768
And then go upstairs
and straight to bed.
178
00:07:47,835 --> 00:07:49,906
There you go.
Now you're talking.
179
00:07:49,973 --> 00:07:52,411
Guys, a table just
opened up on the terrace.
180
00:07:52,478 --> 00:07:55,818
-Oh, perfect.
-Oh, no, we'll get that.
181
00:07:55,885 --> 00:07:57,822
[quiet chatter]
182
00:07:57,922 --> 00:08:00,226
[sighs] I didn't even
need the sweater.
183
00:08:00,260 --> 00:08:01,529
So Miss P., huh?
184
00:08:01,630 --> 00:08:03,701
I tell ya, I'd jump up
her poodle skirt
185
00:08:03,767 --> 00:08:06,038
and say I'm the dog catcher.
186
00:08:06,105 --> 00:08:08,376
[school bell rings]
187
00:08:08,443 --> 00:08:10,981
Man, it's like nobody
can see or hear me.
188
00:08:11,081 --> 00:08:13,587
Things have been weird
ever since me and Frenchy were
189
00:08:13,654 --> 00:08:16,292
drag racing for pink slips and--
190
00:08:16,359 --> 00:08:18,296
[magic chiming]
191
00:08:18,396 --> 00:08:20,333
Wait a minute.
Am I dead?
192
00:08:20,400 --> 00:08:22,137
-Yes, you are.
-You can see me?
193
00:08:22,237 --> 00:08:26,112
I can see all the dead.
It is my gift... and my curse.
194
00:08:26,179 --> 00:08:30,086
Hey, Meg, the, uh, ghost toilet
is clogged again.
195
00:08:30,186 --> 00:08:32,291
Requires a human fist.
196
00:08:32,357 --> 00:08:33,994
[sighs]
197
00:08:38,069 --> 00:08:40,173
Quick, Chris, get in.
198
00:08:42,411 --> 00:08:44,114
[gasps] You see what I see?
199
00:08:44,181 --> 00:08:47,321
Griffin's getting in the car
with Miss Pewterschmidt!
200
00:08:47,387 --> 00:08:49,926
Aw, he works fast, dude.
201
00:08:51,295 --> 00:08:52,965
Quick, Chris, get down.
202
00:08:53,032 --> 00:08:56,205
Whoa!
Griffin's a selfless lover.
203
00:08:56,305 --> 00:08:58,476
It's so great he's having sex.
204
00:08:58,544 --> 00:09:00,279
[rock music playing]
205
00:09:00,379 --> 00:09:02,985
♪ Guy friends gettin' horny ♪
206
00:09:03,052 --> 00:09:05,725
♪ About their guy friends
having sex. ♪
207
00:09:05,825 --> 00:09:07,661
[announcer]
There's nothing wrong with it.
208
00:09:14,241 --> 00:09:16,378
I'm beginning to think
this whole teaching thing
209
00:09:16,445 --> 00:09:18,382
is a lot easier
than they let on.
210
00:09:18,449 --> 00:09:20,220
Kids, when you're
bagging groceries,
211
00:09:20,287 --> 00:09:23,159
do you ever wonder who invented
the shopping bag?
212
00:09:23,259 --> 00:09:24,796
-[student] Margaret Knight?
-It was Margaret--
213
00:09:24,862 --> 00:09:26,332
You saw it on the board!
214
00:09:26,399 --> 00:09:28,336
Griffin, we saw you driving away
215
00:09:28,403 --> 00:09:30,140
with Miss Pewterschmidt
yesterday.
216
00:09:30,240 --> 00:09:32,645
Did you score? If you closed
the deal with a teacher,
217
00:09:32,745 --> 00:09:34,281
you'll be a legend forever.
218
00:09:35,083 --> 00:09:38,890
Well, let's just say,
she and I slept.
219
00:09:38,957 --> 00:09:41,930
Together.
Under the same roof.
220
00:09:42,030 --> 00:09:45,938
-All right!
-Of course, we had dinner first.
221
00:09:46,005 --> 00:09:46,940
There you go.
222
00:09:47,074 --> 00:09:49,880
And then I ate
her Outback Steakhouse salad,
223
00:09:49,946 --> 00:09:52,651
-which she didn't want.
-As someone who only listens
224
00:09:52,752 --> 00:09:55,524
to the first half
of sentences, nice.
225
00:09:55,591 --> 00:09:57,562
-She single?
-No, she's married.
226
00:09:57,662 --> 00:09:59,231
Her husband was there all night.
227
00:09:59,297 --> 00:10:02,170
I think they live together
more as brother and sister
228
00:10:02,270 --> 00:10:03,540
than husband and wife.
229
00:10:03,640 --> 00:10:05,644
Oh, happens to
a lot of couples, I hear.
230
00:10:05,744 --> 00:10:07,180
There's a bit more going on.
231
00:10:07,247 --> 00:10:10,622
I don't think there's a lot
of dew left on his lily, right?
232
00:10:10,688 --> 00:10:11,757
You know what, Griffin?
233
00:10:11,857 --> 00:10:15,698
We're gonna carry you out
on our shoulders because of sex.
234
00:10:15,764 --> 00:10:17,034
All right, just be careful.
235
00:10:17,100 --> 00:10:19,673
-[cheering]
-Easy. I'm husky.
236
00:10:19,739 --> 00:10:22,712
Falling six feet for me
is like nine feet for others.
237
00:10:22,778 --> 00:10:24,381
I don't feel supported!
238
00:10:27,254 --> 00:10:28,791
Well, Chris Griffin.
239
00:10:28,858 --> 00:10:32,330
Uh, hello, Miss Pewterschmidt.
240
00:10:32,397 --> 00:10:33,801
I'm so proud of you.
241
00:10:33,867 --> 00:10:35,370
I know you didn't want me
to be your teacher,
242
00:10:35,436 --> 00:10:38,644
but it's such a thrill
to see you making new friends.
243
00:10:38,711 --> 00:10:41,015
See you later, Chris Griffin.
244
00:10:41,115 --> 00:10:44,155
Hey, stud. The cheerleading
squad decorated your locker.
245
00:10:44,221 --> 00:10:46,459
We do that for all the boys
who "score."
246
00:10:46,560 --> 00:10:48,730
Wow. You guys decorated
my locker?
247
00:10:48,797 --> 00:10:51,168
Well, the male cheerleaders did.
248
00:10:52,905 --> 00:10:56,980
We decorated it in what is known
as the Hollywood Regency Style.
249
00:10:57,047 --> 00:11:00,120
A delightful blend of Art Deco
themes and silhouettes.
250
00:11:00,220 --> 00:11:03,960
Did you notice the pop of color?
The pop of color was my idea.
251
00:11:06,767 --> 00:11:09,539
Hey, I heard
a weird rumor about you.
252
00:11:09,606 --> 00:11:11,208
Oh, that I took
a trip to Jamaica
253
00:11:11,275 --> 00:11:12,846
and my room was
robbed of everything
254
00:11:12,946 --> 00:11:14,850
except my camera and toothbrush?
255
00:11:14,950 --> 00:11:16,653
And then I carried on
using my toothbrush,
256
00:11:16,720 --> 00:11:18,724
as one does on vacation,
but when I got home,
257
00:11:18,824 --> 00:11:20,661
I developed my film
and there was a picture
258
00:11:20,727 --> 00:11:24,401
of a Jamaican man using
my Oral-B as his anal-B?
259
00:11:24,468 --> 00:11:28,142
Yeah, it sort of happened,
but I was the Jamaican man.
260
00:11:28,243 --> 00:11:30,012
No, people are saying
you're sleeping
261
00:11:30,079 --> 00:11:33,085
with "Miss Pewterschmidt,"
who is Mom.
262
00:11:33,152 --> 00:11:34,789
You do know she's Mom, right?
263
00:11:34,890 --> 00:11:36,358
I know she's Mom.
264
00:11:36,425 --> 00:11:37,795
And I may have said some things
265
00:11:37,895 --> 00:11:39,766
that made people think
we're having sex.
266
00:11:39,833 --> 00:11:42,337
But the guys in class
now think I'm cool.
267
00:11:42,471 --> 00:11:44,676
Chris, Mom could get arrested.
268
00:11:44,776 --> 00:11:46,680
Mom knew when she took this job
269
00:11:46,780 --> 00:11:49,652
there was a chance
we'd wind up pretend-banging.
270
00:11:49,719 --> 00:11:52,023
I'm not going back
to being unpopular.
271
00:11:52,123 --> 00:11:55,296
Well, Chris, tell me just
one thing about Mom...
272
00:11:55,396 --> 00:11:56,733
is she bigger than me?
273
00:11:56,800 --> 00:11:58,604
[announcer]
This program is now "TV-MA"
274
00:11:58,671 --> 00:12:00,841
because of what Meg just said.
275
00:12:04,616 --> 00:12:06,786
Got to say, I'm pretty beat.
276
00:12:06,920 --> 00:12:10,093
[groans] Sleeping
with Miss Pewterschmidt,
277
00:12:10,160 --> 00:12:11,963
but we're not sleeping,
you know?
278
00:12:12,064 --> 00:12:15,202
Hard to sleep
when you're doing stuff.
279
00:12:15,303 --> 00:12:18,777
Yeah.
But what did you do, exactly?
280
00:12:18,844 --> 00:12:22,016
Well, she has this whole
"mom" thing going on.
281
00:12:22,083 --> 00:12:23,687
Last night, she scolded me
282
00:12:23,754 --> 00:12:25,123
for tracking mud
in the living room.
283
00:12:25,189 --> 00:12:29,197
Obviously trying to get me
out of my shoes.
284
00:12:29,264 --> 00:12:31,101
Ooh, what a turn-on.
285
00:12:31,168 --> 00:12:32,070
That's not sex.
286
00:12:32,170 --> 00:12:34,408
Tell us exactly
what sex you and she did.
287
00:12:34,475 --> 00:12:36,646
[gulps] Come on, Chris.
288
00:12:36,713 --> 00:12:38,583
You've seen thousands
of hours of porn.
289
00:12:38,617 --> 00:12:39,952
You can do this.
290
00:12:40,052 --> 00:12:43,827
Well, Miss Pewterschmidt was
a braless real estate agent
291
00:12:43,960 --> 00:12:46,231
who was showing me a large,
mostly empty home
292
00:12:46,331 --> 00:12:47,367
in Van Nuys, California,
293
00:12:47,467 --> 00:12:50,140
and she'd do anything
to make the sale.
294
00:12:50,207 --> 00:12:53,680
I showed her a thick wad of ones
and we were off to the races
295
00:12:53,814 --> 00:12:57,421
on a brown leather couch
next to an empty CD tower.
296
00:12:57,488 --> 00:12:58,355
That's just porn.
297
00:12:58,489 --> 00:13:00,595
Yeah, you're just making
this whole thing up.
298
00:13:00,661 --> 00:13:03,132
No, we really had sex.
299
00:13:03,232 --> 00:13:05,069
I mean, the house purchase
fell through, though,
300
00:13:05,136 --> 00:13:06,973
because of some issues
with the appraisal,
301
00:13:07,074 --> 00:13:09,177
but that's not uncommon
in this market.
302
00:13:09,278 --> 00:13:10,146
We want a picture.
303
00:13:10,280 --> 00:13:13,486
A naked picture of Miss P.
or you're a liar.
304
00:13:13,587 --> 00:13:15,958
A naked picture? Okay.
305
00:13:16,024 --> 00:13:18,128
But I have to warn you,
306
00:13:18,195 --> 00:13:20,601
sometimes she looks exactly
like Halle Berry
307
00:13:20,701 --> 00:13:22,638
bent over the sofa
in Monster's Ball.
308
00:13:22,705 --> 00:13:24,508
Get us a naked picture of her.
309
00:13:24,608 --> 00:13:28,349
And until then, go sit
with the angry hearing aid kids.
310
00:13:28,449 --> 00:13:30,453
♪ ♪
311
00:13:34,227 --> 00:13:37,568
Oh, look who it is. Mr. Popular.
312
00:13:37,635 --> 00:13:40,774
Oh, look who it is.
Mr. Popular.
313
00:13:40,841 --> 00:13:44,982
Oh, hear who it is.
Mr. Popular.
314
00:13:49,859 --> 00:13:51,162
Okay, Chris, you can do this.
315
00:13:51,295 --> 00:13:53,801
Plenty of people have taken
nude pictures of their mom.
316
00:13:53,867 --> 00:13:56,038
Possibly Liz Hurley's
weirdly pretty son
317
00:13:56,171 --> 00:13:58,409
with whom she seems
entirely too close.
318
00:13:58,510 --> 00:14:00,881
♪ ♪
319
00:14:14,909 --> 00:14:17,180
I can't. I can't.
320
00:14:17,280 --> 00:14:20,687
It's my mom.
I'm not a dirtbag.
321
00:14:20,787 --> 00:14:22,324
Psst. Chris.
322
00:14:23,292 --> 00:14:27,133
That it has even gone this far
means you are a dirtbag.
323
00:14:27,166 --> 00:14:28,069
Own it.
324
00:14:28,135 --> 00:14:30,106
I don't know, Mr. Quagmire.
325
00:14:30,173 --> 00:14:32,144
"In order to find
real happiness,
326
00:14:32,244 --> 00:14:33,847
"you must learn to love yourself
327
00:14:33,914 --> 00:14:35,918
for the totality
of who you are."
328
00:14:35,985 --> 00:14:37,988
Portia de Rossi.
329
00:14:39,758 --> 00:14:40,928
[phone beeps]
330
00:14:40,995 --> 00:14:42,564
[camera clicks]
331
00:14:48,676 --> 00:14:51,281
Where's the picture, Griffin?
332
00:14:53,954 --> 00:14:56,092
Awesome. Send it to us.
333
00:14:56,158 --> 00:14:57,995
Promise you won't share it?
334
00:14:58,062 --> 00:15:00,466
Of course not.
We're best pals.
335
00:15:00,567 --> 00:15:03,607
Well, we have made
a lot of memories together.
336
00:15:03,674 --> 00:15:08,650
♪ So take the photographs
and still frames in your mind ♪
337
00:15:08,750 --> 00:15:13,392
♪ Hang it on a shelf
in good health and good time ♪
338
00:15:13,458 --> 00:15:18,468
♪ Tattoos of memories
and dead skin on trial ♪
339
00:15:18,536 --> 00:15:22,812
♪ For what it's worth,
it was worth all the while ♪
340
00:15:22,878 --> 00:15:25,951
♪ It's something unpredictable ♪
341
00:15:26,051 --> 00:15:28,389
♪ But in the end is right ♪
342
00:15:28,456 --> 00:15:32,297
♪ I hope you had
the time of your life. ♪
343
00:15:32,330 --> 00:15:34,735
Okay, I was thinking
of the wrong stuff,
344
00:15:34,835 --> 00:15:36,873
but I guess
I can trust these guys.
345
00:15:36,940 --> 00:15:39,144
[phones chiming]
346
00:15:39,210 --> 00:15:41,314
[phones chiming rapidly]
347
00:15:50,934 --> 00:15:52,170
[phone chimes]
348
00:15:52,270 --> 00:15:54,876
"Miss Pewterschmidt
is sleeping with a student.
349
00:15:54,909 --> 00:15:57,114
Here's the proof."
That's her.
350
00:15:57,180 --> 00:15:59,986
And it looks like someone
in her home is using
351
00:16:00,053 --> 00:16:02,625
"Kerasilk Shampoo
for color-treated hair."
352
00:16:02,692 --> 00:16:04,060
I wonder who?
353
00:16:05,496 --> 00:16:06,633
I'll never tell.
354
00:16:06,666 --> 00:16:08,069
Kerasilk Color Shampoo.
355
00:16:08,136 --> 00:16:09,872
It keeps color-treated
hair vibrant,
356
00:16:10,006 --> 00:16:11,709
and that keeps me
out of the salon.
357
00:16:19,692 --> 00:16:21,161
Principal Shepherd sounded mad
358
00:16:21,228 --> 00:16:22,664
when he called me in
this morning.
359
00:16:22,731 --> 00:16:25,369
Well, his ex-wife's now
garnishing his sandwiches,
360
00:16:25,436 --> 00:16:27,173
and I don't mean adding parsley.
361
00:16:27,273 --> 00:16:29,110
-[bell dings]
-You can go in now.
362
00:16:29,177 --> 00:16:32,316
[sighs] He must have found out
about the master's degree.
363
00:16:32,417 --> 00:16:35,389
Okay, I'll go in
and I'll just be honest.
364
00:16:36,593 --> 00:16:37,662
Miss Pewterschmidt,
365
00:16:37,728 --> 00:16:40,466
I have a very grave matter
to discuss with you.
366
00:16:40,534 --> 00:16:43,339
And I know what it is.
I'm guilty.
367
00:16:43,406 --> 00:16:45,711
Well, I appreciate the honesty.
368
00:16:45,811 --> 00:16:48,349
I mean, I did the same thing
at my son's preschool
369
00:16:48,416 --> 00:16:50,219
-and no one cared.
-Wha--?
370
00:16:50,319 --> 00:16:52,925
I just want to touch kids,
and I have.
371
00:16:53,059 --> 00:16:54,962
All of them.
Even the girls.
372
00:16:55,029 --> 00:16:56,800
One boy was unhappy with his D
373
00:16:56,867 --> 00:16:58,770
and I promised
to help him get it up.
374
00:16:58,837 --> 00:17:00,508
Then it was, "Cram, cram, cram."
375
00:17:00,641 --> 00:17:03,312
I'm close to breaking
my pencil in outrage.
376
00:17:03,379 --> 00:17:06,452
One boy's a little slow,
but I whisper in his ear,
377
00:17:06,553 --> 00:17:07,654
"You can do it,"
378
00:17:07,721 --> 00:17:10,561
and the smile on his face
when he finishes.
379
00:17:10,661 --> 00:17:14,001
Miss Pewterschmidt,
you cannot sleep with students!
380
00:17:14,101 --> 00:17:16,238
What? No, never!
381
00:17:16,371 --> 00:17:18,209
I thought you were talking
about me lying
382
00:17:18,309 --> 00:17:20,079
about having a master's degree.
383
00:17:20,179 --> 00:17:21,950
Oh, no, no, no.
384
00:17:22,050 --> 00:17:24,254
Take a look at my master's
on the wall there.
385
00:17:24,354 --> 00:17:26,358
"The Harvard Yale
Principal School
386
00:17:26,424 --> 00:17:28,530
of the Republic of Cuervo."
387
00:17:28,596 --> 00:17:29,832
We all lie.
388
00:17:29,899 --> 00:17:31,368
Who's gonna pay for a master's
389
00:17:31,435 --> 00:17:33,405
to teach
at the high school level?
390
00:17:33,472 --> 00:17:37,147
But still, how did a student
get this nude photo of you?
391
00:17:37,247 --> 00:17:41,154
Oh, my!
Okay, I don't hate that angle.
392
00:17:41,255 --> 00:17:43,694
But I-- I think I know
who took this.
393
00:17:43,760 --> 00:17:44,895
I'll take care of it.
394
00:17:44,995 --> 00:17:47,000
And-and can you send me
the photo, please?
395
00:17:47,067 --> 00:17:48,135
[phone chimes]
396
00:17:48,202 --> 00:17:49,739
Can you delete it
from your phone?
397
00:17:49,806 --> 00:17:51,742
Of course. Click.
398
00:17:51,809 --> 00:17:55,550
-All you did was say, "Click."
-It's an old phone.
399
00:17:58,957 --> 00:18:00,527
Hear you're doing it
with a teacher, huh?
400
00:18:00,628 --> 00:18:01,563
I'm proud of you.
401
00:18:01,696 --> 00:18:04,334
They say her husband's got
no more dew on the lily.
402
00:18:04,434 --> 00:18:07,541
Christopher Cross Griffin!
How could you?
403
00:18:07,641 --> 00:18:09,043
Oh. Hi, Mom.
404
00:18:09,177 --> 00:18:10,580
Peter, your son told everyone
405
00:18:10,681 --> 00:18:12,684
that he and I were
sleeping together,
406
00:18:12,784 --> 00:18:15,289
and then, then he sent
a nude photo of me
407
00:18:15,356 --> 00:18:17,193
to his friends and now
it's all over school.
408
00:18:17,293 --> 00:18:19,599
The soap acts like a bikini,
hiding everything.
409
00:18:19,699 --> 00:18:22,470
There's a subreddit for that.
Let me see if it's there yet.
410
00:18:22,571 --> 00:18:25,476
I'm sorry. I didn't think
it would get around.
411
00:18:25,578 --> 00:18:26,646
[computer starts]
412
00:18:26,713 --> 00:18:29,752
Chris, if people think
I'm sleeping with a student,
413
00:18:29,819 --> 00:18:31,388
I could go to jail.
414
00:18:31,455 --> 00:18:33,727
Now, you are gonna march
into school tomorrow
415
00:18:33,793 --> 00:18:35,029
and tell everyone the truth.
416
00:18:35,096 --> 00:18:38,536
I just wanted to be in with
the cool kids no matter what.
417
00:18:38,603 --> 00:18:41,474
I saw popularity
and I went for it.
418
00:18:41,542 --> 00:18:45,349
Oh, honey, you wanted
something and you lied.
419
00:18:45,449 --> 00:18:47,286
You were manifesting.
420
00:18:47,353 --> 00:18:50,760
I wouldn't use
that awful term, but yes.
421
00:18:53,399 --> 00:18:56,171
You made it. "Soapkinis."
Lot of upvotes.
422
00:18:56,238 --> 00:18:58,075
You know, Chris,
I bet your new friends
423
00:18:58,142 --> 00:18:59,746
will admire your honesty.
424
00:18:59,812 --> 00:19:01,482
You're brutally naive.
425
00:19:01,583 --> 00:19:04,454
You're also on the subreddits
"Over40GoneWild,"
426
00:19:04,522 --> 00:19:06,726
"Mombod," and you're even
the alluring photo
427
00:19:06,793 --> 00:19:09,632
that gets me to click on a link
about celebrity bankruptcies.
428
00:19:09,732 --> 00:19:13,272
[gasps] Joey Lawrence
sold his condo at a loss?
429
00:19:14,040 --> 00:19:17,314
Come on, let's go out and get
some ice cream, my little man.
430
00:19:17,380 --> 00:19:20,520
"Floyd Mayweather Jr.
KO'd by the IRS"?
431
00:19:20,587 --> 00:19:23,225
I don't know, Mom.
People may talk.
432
00:19:23,358 --> 00:19:25,229
Not ready to laugh
at this, Chris.
433
00:19:25,363 --> 00:19:28,035
Sheena Easton lives
in reduced circumstances
434
00:19:28,102 --> 00:19:29,671
in Henderson, Nevada? No!
435
00:19:36,084 --> 00:19:37,453
Good morning, everyone.
436
00:19:37,521 --> 00:19:39,257
I've done something terrible,
437
00:19:39,357 --> 00:19:43,132
although not as terrible
as the cafeteria meatloaf.
438
00:19:43,232 --> 00:19:44,968
Thought I'd open
with a little humor.
439
00:19:45,035 --> 00:19:47,675
Ha! Popular kids are
always funny.
440
00:19:47,741 --> 00:19:49,210
Chris, get to the point.
441
00:19:49,244 --> 00:19:52,083
Well, I told many of you
that I was sleeping
442
00:19:52,149 --> 00:19:53,887
with Miss Pewterschmidt.
443
00:19:53,954 --> 00:19:55,824
I shared a shower photo of her.
444
00:19:55,890 --> 00:19:56,992
If you haven't seen it yet,
445
00:19:57,059 --> 00:19:59,297
it's on the subreddit
"Soapkinis."
446
00:19:59,397 --> 00:20:00,734
You're the man, Chris!
447
00:20:00,801 --> 00:20:03,773
No, I'm a liar.
None of that happened.
448
00:20:03,840 --> 00:20:07,948
Mo-- I mean, Miss Pewterschmidt,
is an excellent teacher
449
00:20:08,015 --> 00:20:09,986
who would never do such a thing.
450
00:20:10,086 --> 00:20:11,556
I hope everyone can forgive me
451
00:20:11,589 --> 00:20:14,561
and see that I just wanted
a few friends.
452
00:20:14,661 --> 00:20:16,265
-[coughs] Loser.
-[coughs] Liar.
453
00:20:16,331 --> 00:20:18,001
[coughs]
Real cough, long COVID.
454
00:20:18,101 --> 00:20:20,607
♪ ♪
455
00:20:22,310 --> 00:20:25,984
Now, hold on, hold on.
Let me tell you all the truth.
456
00:20:26,051 --> 00:20:29,190
Chris Griffin was
the biggest thing I ever had.
457
00:20:29,257 --> 00:20:31,228
[all gasp]
458
00:20:31,294 --> 00:20:33,933
Oh, I thought
I was gonna break in two.
459
00:20:34,000 --> 00:20:36,572
He was 22 inches and 11 pounds.
460
00:20:36,639 --> 00:20:40,046
But I knew he was gonna
change my life for the better.
461
00:20:40,079 --> 00:20:42,416
[cheering]
462
00:20:50,567 --> 00:20:53,172
[Chris] Mom got six years
for sex with a minor.
463
00:20:53,305 --> 00:20:55,677
Asher died
in an e-bike accident.
464
00:20:55,744 --> 00:20:56,846
And as for me,
465
00:20:56,912 --> 00:20:59,685
I married Liz Hurley's
strangely attractive son.
466
00:20:59,751 --> 00:21:02,122
My name is Chris Griffin Hurley.
467
00:21:02,223 --> 00:21:03,893
I took his name.
33228
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