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05 Monty Pythons The Meaning Of Life - Comedy 1983 English
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[NARRATOR] In the bleak days of 1983,
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as England languished in the
doldrums of a ruinous monetarist policy,
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the good, loyal men of the
Permanent Assurance Company,
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a once-proud family firm
recently fallen on hard times,
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strained under the yoke of their
oppressive new corporate management.
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[MAN] Terrible. Really terrible.
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[MAN] Row!
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That's it, Evans. You're fired.
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You heard me. Out.
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Did you hear that? He's been sacked.
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Sacked?
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Sacked? Come on, boys.
Let's get at them.
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[MEN CLAMOURING]
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[MAN] Hey!
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Come on! Come on!
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[GRUNTING]
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[SCREAMING]
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[MAN GROANING]
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[MAN] Let me out of here!
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[MAN 2] I demand to see my lawyer!
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[MEN LAUGHING]
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Tooley! Come on.
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[SCREAMING]
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[GROANING]
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[SCREAMING]
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Quiet! Silence!
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Now, lads, let's move.
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You, you and you,
break open the weapons.
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You, you and you, into the rigging.
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And you, put the kettle on. Aye, sir.
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[EXCLAIMING]
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There, there, Charles.
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[PEOPLE CHATTERING]
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[SCREAMING]
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Sorry!
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Come on, Tooley. This way!
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Weigh the anchor!
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Weigh the anchor.
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[BUBBLING]
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[NARRATOR] And so, The
Crimson Permanent Assurance
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was launched upon the high
seas of international finance.
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Come on, boy. Watch it. Route. Route!
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Cup of tea, dear? Hey, Captain!
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Look! To starboard!
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[NARRATOR] There it lay,
the prize they sought.
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Hard to starboard!
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[NARRATOR] A financial district
swollen with multinationals, conglomerates,
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and fat, bloated merchant banks.
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All right, lads, battle stations!
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Come on! Move it! Move it! Move it!
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[EXCLAIMING]
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All right, then. That's enough. Take cover.
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Down, down! Get down!
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[SQUEAKING]
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Down, down.
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[SHUSHING]
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[BREATHING HEAVILY]
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[BOTH GASPING]
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Hard to starboard!
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Fire!
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[MEN EXCLAIMING]
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[SCREAMING]
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Eric! My balance sheets!
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Ross! Get the readouts!
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Stop him! Eric!
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Thanks! [MAN] Charge!
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Come on! Grab it!
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No, no! Let me! Let me! Okay, Kane.
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Cudgelled!
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Gotcha!
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You bastard!
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[GROANING]
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[MAN GRUNTING]
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Take this.
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[GROANING]
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Here. File this.
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Shit!
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[SCREAMING]
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[NARRATOR] And so, heartened
by their initial success,
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the desperate and reasonably violent
men of The Permanent Assurance
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battled on until,
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as the sun set slowly in the west,
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the outstanding returns on
their bold business venture
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became apparent.
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Once-proud financial giants
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lay in ruins,
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their assets stripped,
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their policies in tatters.
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[CAPTAIN] Full speed ahead,
Mr. Cohen!
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♪ [MEN SINGING] Up, up, up your ♪
♪ premium Up, up, up your premium ♪
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♪ Scribble away ♪
♪ And balance the books ♪
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♪ Scribble away ♪
♪ But balance the books ♪
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♪ It's fun to charter ♪ ♪ an accountant ♪
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♪ And sail the wide ♪ ♪ accountancy ♪
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♪ To find, ♪ ♪ explore the funds offshore ♪
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♪ And skirt the shoals ♪ ♪ of bankruptcy ♪
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♪ It can be manly in insurance ♪
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♪ We'll up your premium ♪
♪ semi-annually ♪
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♪ It's all tax-deductible ♪
♪ We're fairly incorruptible ♪
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♪ Sailing on ♪ ♪ the wide accountancy ♪
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♪ Sail away... ♪
[NARRATOR] And so, they sailed off.
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Into the ledgers of history,
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one by one, the financial
capitals of the world
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crumbling under the might
of their business acumen.
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Or so it would have been,
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if certain modern theories
concerning the shape of the world
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had not proved to be disastrously wrong.
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Morning. Morning.
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Morning. Morning.
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Morning.
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Morning. Morning.
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Morning. Morning.
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What's new? Not much.
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Morning! Good morning! Morning!
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Morning! Morning!
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Frank was just asking
what's new. Was he?
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Yes.
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Hey, look.
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Howard's being eaten. Is he?
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Makes you think, doesn't it? Hmm.
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I mean, what's it all about? Beats me.
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♪ [SINGING] Why are we here ♪
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♪ What's life all about ♪
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♪ Is God really real ♪
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♪ Or is there some doubt ♪
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♪ Well, tonight ♪
♪ we're going to sort it all out ♪
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♪ For tonight ♪
♪ it's The Meaning of Life ♪
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♪ What's the point ♪ ♪ of all this hoax ♪
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♪ Is it the chicken ♪ ♪ and the egg time ♪
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♪ Are we just yolks ♪
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♪ Or perhaps we're just one ♪
♪ of God's little jokes ♪
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♪ Well, ca, c'est ♪ ♪ le meaning of life ♪
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♪ Is life just a game ♪
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♪ Where we make up the rules ♪
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♪ While we're searching ♪
♪ for something to say ♪
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♪ Or are we just ♪
♪ simply spiralling coils ♪
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♪ Of self-replicating DNA ♪
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♪ Nay, nay, nay, nay, nay, nay ♪
♪ Nay, nay, nay, nay ♪
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♪ What is life ♪ ♪ What is our fate ♪
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♪ Is there heaven and hell ♪
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♪ Do we reincarnate ♪
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♪ Is mankind evolving ♪
♪ or is it too late ♪
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♪ Well, tonight ♪
♪ here's The Meaning of Life ♪
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♪ [LIGHTNING CRACKING] ♪
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♪ For millions ♪
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♪ This life ♪ ♪ is a sad vale of tears ♪
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♪ Sitting round ♪
♪ with really nothing to say ♪
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♪ While scientists say ♪
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♪ We're just ♪ ♪ simply spiralling coils ♪
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♪ Of self-replicating DNA ♪
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♪ Nay, nay, nay, nay, nay, nay ♪
♪ Nay, nay, nay, nay ♪
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♪ So just why ♪ ♪ Why are we here ♪
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♪ And just what ♪
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♪ What, what, what do we fear ♪
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♪ Well, cesoir for a change ♪
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♪ It will all be made clear ♪
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♪ For this is ♪ ♪ The Meaning of Life ♪
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♪ C'est le sens de la vie ♪
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♪ This is The Meaning of Life ♪
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[NARRATOR] Part one.
The miracle of birth.
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One thousand and eight!
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Mrs. Moore's contractions
are more frequent, Doctor.
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Good. Take her into
the fetus frightening room.
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Right.
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Jolly good.
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It's a bit bare in here today, isn't it?
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Yes. Yes. More
apparatus, please, Nurse.
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The EEG, the BP monitor
and the AVV. Certainly, Doctor.
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And get the machine that goes ping.
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And get the most expensive machines
in case the administrator comes.
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That's it. Bring it in. Bring
it right here. Behind me.
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Lovely, lovely. Jolly good. That's better.
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That's much, much better.
Yes, that's more like it.
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Still something missing, though.
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Hm? Hmm
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Patient. Patient, yes.
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Where's the patient? Patient!
Anyone seen the patient?
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[EXCLAIMS]
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Here she is. DOCTOR:
Bring it over here.
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Mind the machines! Sorry, Doctor.
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Come along!
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Come along. Jump on it.
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Hello. Now don't you worry.
We'll soon have you cured.
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Leave it all to us. You'll
never know what hit you.
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Goodbye. Goodbye.
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Drips up. Injections.
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Can I put the tube in the baby's head?
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Only if I can do the episiotomy.
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Okay. Thank you.
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Legs up.
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Oh, come in. Come on in,
all of you. That's it. Jolly good.
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Come on. Come along.
Spread round there.
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Who are you? I'm the husband.
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I'm sorry. Only people
involved are allowed in here.
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Yes? What do I do?
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What do I do? Nothing,
dear. You're not qualified.
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Leave it to us. What's that for?
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That's the machine that goes ping.
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[PINGING]
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You see? That means
your baby is still alive.
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And that's the most expensive
machine in the whole hospital.
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Yes, it cost over three-quarters
of a million pounds.
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Aren't you lucky?
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The administrator is here, Doctor.
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Switch everything on.
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Morning, gentlemen.
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Morning. Morning, gentlemen. Morning.
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[MAN 1] Morning, Mr. Pycroft.
[MAN 2] Mr. Pycroft.
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Oh, very impressive, very impressive.
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And what are you doing
this morning? It's a birth.
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And what sort of thing is that?
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Well, that's when we take a
new baby out of a lady's tummy.
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[MACHINE PINGING] Wonderful
what we can do nowadays.
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I see you have the machine that
goes ping. This is my favourite.
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00:23:28,866 --> 00:23:31,449
You see, we lease this back
from the company we sold it to,
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00:23:31,535 --> 00:23:36,075
and that way, it comes under the monthly
current budget and not the capital account.
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00:23:40,210 --> 00:23:44,204
Thank you, thank you. We try
to do our best. Well, do carry on.
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00:23:45,215 --> 00:23:47,923
Oh, the vulva's dilating,
Doctor. Oh, yes, there's the head.
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Yes, four centimetres,
five, six centimetres.
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Lights! Amplify the ping machine.
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Masks up! Suction!
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Eyes down for a full house!
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Here it comes.
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[BABY CRYING] And frighten it.
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Thank you. And the rough towels!
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00:24:08,489 --> 00:24:11,231
Show it to the mother. That's enough.
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00:24:11,325 --> 00:24:13,316
Right. Sedate her. Number the child.
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Measure it, blood-type it and isolate it.
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00:24:16,789 --> 00:24:18,325
Okay, show's over.
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00:24:18,415 --> 00:24:19,701
[PEOPLE CHATTERING]
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00:24:19,792 --> 00:24:21,829
Is it a boy or a girl?
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00:24:21,919 --> 00:24:25,833
I think it's a little early to start
imposing roles on it, don't you?
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00:24:25,923 --> 00:24:28,631
Now, a word of advice. You may
find that you suffer for some time,
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a totally irrational feeling of
depression, PND, as we doctors call it.
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00:24:33,263 --> 00:24:35,470
So, it's lots of happy pills for you,
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00:24:35,557 --> 00:24:38,015
and you can find out all about
the birth when you get home.
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00:24:38,102 --> 00:24:41,811
It's available on Betamax,
VHS and Super 8.
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00:24:44,566 --> 00:24:46,182
[MACHINE PINGING]
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00:24:46,777 --> 00:24:51,271
[NARRATOR] The miracle of
birth, part two. The third world.
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[DOG BARKING]
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00:25:01,458 --> 00:25:02,994
[BIRD CAWING]
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Oh, bloody hell.
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00:25:10,134 --> 00:25:11,374
[CRYING]
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Oh, get it, would you,
Deidre? All right, Mum.
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00:25:25,482 --> 00:25:27,314
[CHILDREN CHATTERING]
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00:25:28,027 --> 00:25:31,361
Now whose teatime is it? [ALL] Mine!
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00:25:31,447 --> 00:25:33,108
Come on. Out you go.
249
00:25:33,198 --> 00:25:35,986
Now, Vincent, Tessa, Valerie, Janine,
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00:25:36,076 --> 00:25:39,410
Martha, Andrew, Thomas,
Walter, Pat, Linda,
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00:25:39,496 --> 00:25:42,454
Michael, Evadne, Alice, Dominique
and Sasha, it's your bedtime.
252
00:25:42,541 --> 00:25:43,576
[CHILDREN GROANING]
253
00:25:43,667 --> 00:25:45,749
Now don't argue!
254
00:25:45,836 --> 00:25:48,419
Laura, Alfred, Nigel,
Annie, Simon, Amanda...
255
00:25:48,505 --> 00:25:53,045
Wait. I've got something
to tell the whole family.
256
00:25:53,302 --> 00:25:56,420
Oh, quick. Go and get
the others in, Gordon.
257
00:25:58,015 --> 00:26:01,007
The mill's closed. There's no more work.
258
00:26:01,268 --> 00:26:04,602
[CHILDREN MURMURING]
We're destitute.
259
00:26:04,688 --> 00:26:08,056
Come in, my little loves. I've
got no option but to sell you all
260
00:26:08,150 --> 00:26:09,766
for scientific experiments.
261
00:26:12,196 --> 00:26:14,733
No, no, that's the way it is, my loves.
262
00:26:14,865 --> 00:26:16,071
Blame the Catholic Church
263
00:26:16,158 --> 00:26:18,386
for not letting me wear one
of those little rubber things.
264
00:26:18,410 --> 00:26:21,118
Oh, they've done some
wonderful things in their time.
265
00:26:21,205 --> 00:26:25,039
They've preserved the might and majesty,
even mystery of the Church of Rome,
266
00:26:25,501 --> 00:26:30,041
and the sanctity of the sacrament,
the indivisible oneness of the Trinity,
267
00:26:30,130 --> 00:26:32,317
but if they'd let me wear one
of those little rubber things
268
00:26:32,341 --> 00:26:33,877
on the end of my cock,
269
00:26:33,967 --> 00:26:36,379
we wouldn't be in the mess we are now.
270
00:26:36,470 --> 00:26:40,464
Couldn't Mummy have worn
some sort of pessary?
271
00:26:40,557 --> 00:26:41,868
Not if we're going to remain members
272
00:26:41,892 --> 00:26:44,179
of the fastest-growing
religion in the world, my boy.
273
00:26:45,145 --> 00:26:48,854
He's right. You see, we believe...
274
00:26:48,941 --> 00:26:50,898
Well, let me put it like this.
275
00:26:51,110 --> 00:26:53,522
♪ [SINGING] ♪
♪ There are Jews in the world ♪
276
00:26:53,612 --> 00:26:55,569
♪ There are Buddhists ♪
277
00:26:55,697 --> 00:27:00,112
♪ There are Hindus ♪
♪ and Mormons and then ♪
278
00:27:00,494 --> 00:27:03,612
♪ There are those ♪
♪ that follow Mohammed ♪
279
00:27:03,705 --> 00:27:09,246
♪ But I've never been ♪ ♪ one of them ♪
280
00:27:11,463 --> 00:27:14,251
♪ I'm a Roman Catholic ♪
281
00:27:14,341 --> 00:27:17,800
♪ And have been since ♪
♪ before I was born ♪
282
00:27:17,886 --> 00:27:21,174
♪ And the one thing ♪
♪ they say about Catholics ♪
283
00:27:21,265 --> 00:27:25,304
♪ Is they'll take you ♪
♪ as soon as you're warm ♪
284
00:27:25,394 --> 00:27:28,853
♪ You don't have ♪ ♪ to be a six-footer ♪
285
00:27:28,939 --> 00:27:32,432
♪ You don't have to ♪
♪ have a great brain ♪
286
00:27:32,776 --> 00:27:35,814
♪ You don't have to ♪
♪ have any clothes on ♪
287
00:27:35,904 --> 00:27:40,148
♪ You're a Catholic ♪
♪ the moment Dad came ♪
288
00:27:40,826 --> 00:27:43,693
♪ Because ♪
289
00:27:43,787 --> 00:27:48,406
♪ Every sperm is sacred ♪
290
00:27:48,500 --> 00:27:53,040
♪ Every sperm is great ♪
291
00:27:53,130 --> 00:27:57,465
♪ If a sperm is wasted ♪
292
00:27:57,551 --> 00:28:00,919
♪ God gets quite irate ♪
293
00:28:02,306 --> 00:28:06,265
♪ [CHILDREN] [SINGING] ♪
♪ Every sperm is sacred ♪
294
00:28:06,351 --> 00:28:10,515
♪ Every sperm is great ♪
295
00:28:10,647 --> 00:28:15,187
♪ If a sperm is wasted ♪
296
00:28:15,277 --> 00:28:19,612
♪ God gets quite irate ♪
297
00:28:19,948 --> 00:28:23,907
♪ Let the heathens spill theirs ♪
298
00:28:23,994 --> 00:28:28,283
♪ On the dusty ground ♪
299
00:28:28,373 --> 00:28:31,491
♪ God shall make them pay ♪
300
00:28:31,835 --> 00:28:36,750
♪ For each sperm ♪
♪ that can't be found ♪
301
00:28:36,840 --> 00:28:41,380
♪ Every sperm is wanted ♪
302
00:28:41,470 --> 00:28:45,464
♪ Every sperm is good ♪
303
00:28:45,557 --> 00:28:49,926
♪ Every sperm is needed ♪
304
00:28:50,020 --> 00:28:54,105
♪ In your neighbourhood ♪
305
00:28:54,191 --> 00:28:57,650
♪ Hindu, Taoist, Mormon ♪
306
00:28:58,028 --> 00:29:01,441
♪ Spill theirs just anywhere ♪
307
00:29:01,531 --> 00:29:05,399
♪ But God loves those who treat ♪
308
00:29:05,494 --> 00:29:09,863
♪ Their semen with more care ♪
309
00:29:10,249 --> 00:29:14,288
♪ Every sperm is sacred ♪
310
00:29:14,378 --> 00:29:17,712
♪ Every sperm is great ♪
311
00:29:18,048 --> 00:29:22,133
♪ If a sperm is wasted ♪
312
00:29:22,219 --> 00:29:25,678
♪ God gets quite irate ♪
313
00:29:25,764 --> 00:29:29,723
♪ Every sperm is sacred ♪
314
00:29:30,102 --> 00:29:33,640
♪ Every sperm is good ♪
♪ Every sperm is good ♪
315
00:29:33,730 --> 00:29:37,394
♪ Every sperm is needed ♪
316
00:29:37,693 --> 00:29:41,482
♪ MEN: In your neighbourhood ♪
317
00:29:41,571 --> 00:29:45,235
♪ Every sperm is useful ♪
318
00:29:45,409 --> 00:29:49,152
♪ Every sperm is fine ♪
319
00:29:49,246 --> 00:29:52,830
♪ God needs everybody's ♪
320
00:29:53,250 --> 00:29:54,536
♪ Mine ♪ ♪ And mine ♪
321
00:29:54,626 --> 00:29:56,458
♪ And mine ♪
322
00:30:11,893 --> 00:30:15,477
♪ Let the pagans spill theirs ♪
323
00:30:15,564 --> 00:30:19,558
♪ O'er mountain, hill and plain ♪
324
00:30:19,651 --> 00:30:22,518
♪ God shall strike them down ♪
325
00:30:22,612 --> 00:30:26,901
♪ For each sperm ♪ ♪ that's spilt in vain ♪
326
00:30:27,284 --> 00:30:31,118
♪ Every sperm is sacred ♪
327
00:30:31,204 --> 00:30:34,947
♪ Every sperm is good ♪
328
00:30:35,042 --> 00:30:38,751
♪ Every sperm is needed ♪
329
00:30:38,837 --> 00:30:42,296
♪ In your neighbourhood ♪
330
00:30:42,424 --> 00:30:46,042
♪ Every sperm is sacred ♪
331
00:30:46,178 --> 00:30:49,887
♪ Every sperm is great ♪
332
00:30:49,973 --> 00:30:53,557
♪ If a sperm is wasted ♪
333
00:30:53,977 --> 00:30:55,888
♪ God gets ♪
334
00:30:55,979 --> 00:31:01,816
♪ Quite irate ♪
335
00:31:01,902 --> 00:31:03,563
[PEOPLE WHOOPING]
336
00:31:07,199 --> 00:31:09,657
So you see my problem, little ones.
337
00:31:09,743 --> 00:31:11,700
I can't keep you all here any longer
338
00:31:11,787 --> 00:31:13,619
[BOY] Speak up!
339
00:31:13,705 --> 00:31:16,367
I can't keep you all here any longer!
340
00:31:16,833 --> 00:31:21,043
God has blessed us so much I
can't afford to feed you any more.
341
00:31:21,129 --> 00:31:22,961
Couldn't you have your balls cut off?
342
00:31:24,174 --> 00:31:27,542
It's not as simple as
that, Nigel. God knows all.
343
00:31:27,636 --> 00:31:29,673
He'd see through such a cheap trick.
344
00:31:29,763 --> 00:31:32,755
What we do to ourselves, we do to Him.
345
00:31:32,849 --> 00:31:35,181
You could have had them
pulled off in an accident.
346
00:31:35,268 --> 00:31:37,009
[CHILDREN CLAMOURING]
347
00:31:37,396 --> 00:31:39,433
No. Children, I know
you're trying to help,
348
00:31:39,523 --> 00:31:41,730
but believe me, me mind's made up.
349
00:31:41,817 --> 00:31:44,775
I've given this long and careful thought,
350
00:31:45,153 --> 00:31:47,611
and it has to be medical
experiments for the lot of you.
351
00:31:47,697 --> 00:31:49,358
[CHILDREN GROANING]
352
00:31:51,118 --> 00:31:54,327
♪ [SINGING SADLY] ♪
♪ Every sperm is sacred ♪
353
00:31:55,497 --> 00:32:00,162
♪ Every sperm is great ♪
354
00:32:01,628 --> 00:32:04,837
Look at them. Bloody Catholics.
Filling the bloody world up
355
00:32:04,923 --> 00:32:08,416
with bloody people they
can't afford to bloody feed.
356
00:32:08,552 --> 00:32:13,046
What are we, dear? Protestant,
and fiercely proud of it.
357
00:32:13,140 --> 00:32:15,848
Well, why do they have
so many children?
358
00:32:15,934 --> 00:32:19,893
Because every time they have sexual
intercourse, they have to have a baby.
359
00:32:20,021 --> 00:32:23,139
But it's the same with us,
Harry. What do you mean?
360
00:32:23,233 --> 00:32:25,440
Well, I mean we've got two children,
361
00:32:25,610 --> 00:32:28,068
and we've had sexual intercourse twice.
362
00:32:28,155 --> 00:32:31,443
That's not the point. We could
have it any time we wanted.
363
00:32:31,533 --> 00:32:33,615
Really? Oh, yes. And what's more,
364
00:32:33,702 --> 00:32:36,069
because we don't believe
in all that Papist claptrap,
365
00:32:36,163 --> 00:32:38,120
we can take precautions.
366
00:32:38,248 --> 00:32:40,114
What, you mean lock the door?
367
00:32:40,208 --> 00:32:44,543
No, no. I mean because we are members
of the Protestant Reformed Church,
368
00:32:44,629 --> 00:32:46,566
which successfully challenged
the autocratic power
369
00:32:46,590 --> 00:32:48,672
of the Papacy
in the mid-sixteenth century,
370
00:32:48,758 --> 00:32:51,716
we can wear little rubber
devices to prevent issue.
371
00:32:51,803 --> 00:32:52,838
What do you mean?
372
00:32:52,929 --> 00:32:55,796
I could, if I wanted, have
sexual intercourse with you.
373
00:32:55,891 --> 00:32:57,097
Oh, yes, Harry.
374
00:32:57,184 --> 00:32:59,721
And by wearing a rubber sheath
over my old fellow,
375
00:32:59,895 --> 00:33:03,388
I could ensure that when I came
off, you would not be impregnated.
376
00:33:03,523 --> 00:33:07,107
That's what being a
Protestant's all about. Ooh!
377
00:33:07,194 --> 00:33:08,684
That's why it's the church for me.
378
00:33:08,778 --> 00:33:10,256
That's why it's the church for anyone
379
00:33:10,280 --> 00:33:13,443
who respects the individual
and the individual's right
380
00:33:13,617 --> 00:33:15,608
to decide for him or herself.
381
00:33:15,702 --> 00:33:20,162
When Martin Luther nailed his
protest up to the church door in 1517,
382
00:33:20,248 --> 00:33:23,286
he may not have realized the full
significance of what he was doing
383
00:33:23,460 --> 00:33:26,452
but 400 years later,
thanks to him, my dear,
384
00:33:26,546 --> 00:33:29,334
I can wear whatever I want
on my John Thomas.
385
00:33:29,633 --> 00:33:33,467
And Protestantism doesn't stop
at the simple condom. Oh, no!
386
00:33:33,595 --> 00:33:36,178
I can wear French
Ticklers if I want. You what?
387
00:33:36,264 --> 00:33:39,427
French Ticklers, Black
Mambos, Crocodile Ribs...
388
00:33:39,559 --> 00:33:42,221
Sheaths that are designed
not only to protect,
389
00:33:42,312 --> 00:33:45,771
but also to enhance the
stimulation of sexual congress.
390
00:33:45,941 --> 00:33:48,729
Have you got one?
Have I got one? Well, no,
391
00:33:48,818 --> 00:33:51,981
but I can go down the road
anytime I want and walk into Harry's
392
00:33:52,072 --> 00:33:55,064
and hold my head up high
and say, in a loud, steady voice,
393
00:33:55,158 --> 00:33:57,695
Harry, I want you to sell me a condom.
394
00:33:57,786 --> 00:34:01,654
In fact, today I think I'll have a
French Tickler, for I am a Protestant.
395
00:34:01,957 --> 00:34:04,540
Well, why don't you?
But they, they cannot,
396
00:34:04,626 --> 00:34:07,914
because their church never made
the great leap out of the Middle Ages
397
00:34:08,004 --> 00:34:11,213
and the domination
of alien Episcopal supremacy.
398
00:34:11,299 --> 00:34:13,069
[NARRATOR 2] But despite
the attempts of Protestants
399
00:34:13,093 --> 00:34:15,835
to promote the idea of sex for pleasure,
400
00:34:16,221 --> 00:34:19,088
children continue to multiply everywhere.
401
00:34:20,183 --> 00:34:24,848
[NARRATOR] The Meaning of
Life, part two. Growth and learning.
402
00:34:25,730 --> 00:34:31,191
[INSTRUCTOR] And spotteth twice
they the camels before the third hour.
403
00:34:31,403 --> 00:34:35,021
And so the Midianites
went forth to Ram Gilead,
404
00:34:35,240 --> 00:34:37,481
in Kadesh Bilgemath,
405
00:34:37,576 --> 00:34:39,658
by Shor Ethra Regalion,
406
00:34:39,744 --> 00:34:44,113
to the house of Gash-Bil-Bethuel-Bazda,
407
00:34:44,207 --> 00:34:46,915
he who brought the butter dish
to Balshazar,
408
00:34:47,002 --> 00:34:50,461
and the tent peg
to the house of Rashomon,
409
00:34:50,547 --> 00:34:53,460
and there, slew they the goats,
410
00:34:53,550 --> 00:34:59,045
yea, and placed they
the bits in little pots.
411
00:35:00,098 --> 00:35:02,089
Here endeth the lesson.
412
00:35:02,183 --> 00:35:04,094
Let us praise God.
413
00:35:09,065 --> 00:35:12,683
O Lord. [ALL] O Lord.
414
00:35:13,737 --> 00:35:16,274
Ooh! You are so big.
415
00:35:16,573 --> 00:35:19,156
[ALL] Ooh! You are so big.
416
00:35:19,242 --> 00:35:22,155
So absolutely huge.
417
00:35:22,287 --> 00:35:26,326
[ALL] So absolutely huge.
418
00:35:26,416 --> 00:35:31,536
Gosh, we're all really impressed
down here, I can tell You.
419
00:35:31,796 --> 00:35:36,336
Gosh, we're all really impressed
down here, I can tell you.
420
00:35:36,426 --> 00:35:41,045
Forgive us, O Lord, for this,
our dreadful toadying.
421
00:35:41,598 --> 00:35:44,556
[ALL] And barefaced flattery.
422
00:35:44,643 --> 00:35:46,850
But you're so strong,
423
00:35:46,936 --> 00:35:50,520
and, well, just so super.
424
00:35:50,607 --> 00:35:53,065
[ALL] Fantastic.
425
00:35:53,485 --> 00:35:55,567
Amen, Reverend. Amen.
426
00:35:55,654 --> 00:35:58,942
Now two boys have been found
rubbing linseed oil
427
00:35:59,032 --> 00:36:01,069
into the school cormorant.
428
00:36:02,202 --> 00:36:05,911
Now some of you may feel that the
cormorant does not play an important part
429
00:36:05,997 --> 00:36:08,159
in the life of the school,
but I would remind you
430
00:36:08,583 --> 00:36:12,793
that it was presented to us by the
corporation of the town of Sudbury,
431
00:36:13,088 --> 00:36:15,796
to commemorate Empire Day,
when we try to remember
432
00:36:15,882 --> 00:36:18,624
the names of all those
from the Sudbury area,
433
00:36:18,802 --> 00:36:21,715
who so gallantly gave their lives
434
00:36:21,805 --> 00:36:24,217
to keep China British.
435
00:36:24,307 --> 00:36:28,801
So from now on, the cormorant
is strictly out of bounds!
436
00:36:31,314 --> 00:36:33,476
Oh, and, Jenkins,
437
00:36:33,566 --> 00:36:36,103
apparently, your
mother died this morning.
438
00:36:36,194 --> 00:36:38,435
Chaplain.
439
00:36:41,574 --> 00:36:45,408
♪ [ALL SINGING] ♪
♪ O Lord, please don't burn us ♪
440
00:36:45,495 --> 00:36:49,580
♪ Don't grill or toast ♪ ♪ Your flock ♪
441
00:36:49,666 --> 00:36:53,910
♪ Don't put us on the barbecue ♪
442
00:36:54,003 --> 00:36:58,418
♪ Or simmer us in stock ♪
443
00:36:58,508 --> 00:37:02,092
♪ Don't braise ♪ ♪ or bake or boil us ♪
444
00:37:02,178 --> 00:37:06,217
♪ Or stir-fry us in a wok ♪
445
00:37:07,517 --> 00:37:11,385
♪ Oh, please don't ♪ ♪ lightly poach us ♪
446
00:37:11,855 --> 00:37:15,974
♪ Or baste us with hot fat ♪
447
00:37:16,067 --> 00:37:20,482
♪ Don't fricassee or roast us ♪
448
00:37:20,572 --> 00:37:24,941
♪ Or boil us in a vat ♪
449
00:37:25,034 --> 00:37:29,449
♪ And please don't ♪
♪ stick thy servants, Lord ♪
450
00:37:29,539 --> 00:37:33,373
♪ In a Rotissomat ♪
451
00:37:37,505 --> 00:37:38,995
[BELL RINGING]
452
00:37:39,591 --> 00:37:40,672
He's coming!
453
00:37:40,759 --> 00:37:42,341
[ALL CLAMOURING]
454
00:37:48,099 --> 00:37:50,511
All right, settle down, settle down.
455
00:37:52,228 --> 00:37:55,061
Now, before I begin the
lesson, will those of you
456
00:37:55,190 --> 00:37:58,023
who are playing in the match this
afternoon move your clothes down
457
00:37:58,109 --> 00:38:00,976
onto the lower peg
immediately after lunch,
458
00:38:01,070 --> 00:38:02,481
before you write your letter home,
459
00:38:02,572 --> 00:38:05,384
if you're not getting your hair cut,
unless you've got a younger brother,
460
00:38:05,408 --> 00:38:08,012
who's going out this weekend as the
guest of another boy, in which case,
461
00:38:08,036 --> 00:38:09,743
collect his note before lunch,
462
00:38:09,829 --> 00:38:12,036
put it in your letter after
you have had your haircut,
463
00:38:12,123 --> 00:38:15,115
and make sure he moves your
clothes down onto the lower peg for you.
464
00:38:15,210 --> 00:38:16,245
Now... Sir?
465
00:38:16,586 --> 00:38:17,586
Yes, Wymer?
466
00:38:17,629 --> 00:38:19,899
My younger brother's going
out with Dibble this weekend, sir.
467
00:38:19,923 --> 00:38:22,665
But I'm not having my hair cut
today, so do I move my clothes
468
00:38:22,759 --> 00:38:26,047
I do wish you'd listen, Wymer.
It's perfectly simple.
469
00:38:26,137 --> 00:38:27,627
If you're not getting your hair cut,
470
00:38:27,722 --> 00:38:30,402
you don't have to move your
brother's clothes down to the lower peg.
471
00:38:30,433 --> 00:38:33,175
You simply collect his note before lunch,
472
00:38:33,269 --> 00:38:35,101
after you've done your scripture prep,
473
00:38:35,188 --> 00:38:37,771
when you've written
your letter home before rest,
474
00:38:37,857 --> 00:38:39,939
move your own clothes
onto the lower peg,
475
00:38:40,068 --> 00:38:42,184
greet the visitors and report to Mr. Viney
476
00:38:42,278 --> 00:38:43,939
that you've had your chit signed.
477
00:38:45,740 --> 00:38:47,606
Now, sex.
478
00:38:50,161 --> 00:38:53,495
Sex, sex, sex. Where were we?
479
00:38:57,627 --> 00:38:59,413
Well, had I got as far as
480
00:38:59,504 --> 00:39:03,247
the penis entering the vagina?
481
00:39:06,636 --> 00:39:08,923
No, sir. No, sir. No, sir.
482
00:39:09,556 --> 00:39:11,467
Well, had I done foreplay?
483
00:39:14,853 --> 00:39:15,853
[STUDENTS] Yes, sir.
484
00:39:15,937 --> 00:39:19,225
Ah. Well, as we all know
all about foreplay,
485
00:39:19,315 --> 00:39:23,604
no doubt you can tell me
what the purpose of foreplay is.
486
00:39:24,654 --> 00:39:26,236
Biggs.
487
00:39:30,285 --> 00:39:32,322
Don't know. Sorry, sir.
488
00:39:32,579 --> 00:39:33,819
Carter?
489
00:39:34,539 --> 00:39:38,407
Oh, was it taking your clothes off, sir?
490
00:39:39,836 --> 00:39:41,497
Well, and after that?
491
00:39:42,213 --> 00:39:44,580
Oh, putting them on a lower peg, sir.
492
00:39:46,843 --> 00:39:51,178
The purpose of foreplay is to
cause the vagina to lubricate,
493
00:39:51,264 --> 00:39:55,007
so that the penis
can penetrate more easily.
494
00:39:55,393 --> 00:39:56,993
Could we have a window open,
please, sir?
495
00:39:57,061 --> 00:39:58,643
Yes. Harris, will you?
496
00:39:58,730 --> 00:40:01,347
And, of course, to cause
the man's penis to erect
497
00:40:01,482 --> 00:40:03,769
and harden.
498
00:40:04,402 --> 00:40:05,733
[INHALING]
499
00:40:05,904 --> 00:40:10,114
Now, did I do vaginal juices last week?
500
00:40:10,199 --> 00:40:11,940
Oh, do pay attention, Wadsworth!
501
00:40:12,035 --> 00:40:14,242
I know it's Friday. Watching
the football, are you?
502
00:40:14,329 --> 00:40:17,572
Boy, move over there. I'm warning you.
503
00:40:18,041 --> 00:40:20,749
I may decide to set an exam this term.
504
00:40:20,877 --> 00:40:22,959
Oh, sir! Sir!
505
00:40:23,046 --> 00:40:25,253
So just listen.
506
00:40:27,258 --> 00:40:30,501
Now did I or did I not
507
00:40:30,595 --> 00:40:33,713
do vaginal juices?
508
00:40:34,223 --> 00:40:35,463
[STUDENTS] Yes, sir.
509
00:40:35,558 --> 00:40:39,722
Name two ways of getting them
flowing, Watson.
510
00:40:40,563 --> 00:40:42,145
Rubbing the clitoris, sir?
511
00:40:46,277 --> 00:40:49,395
What's wrong with a kiss, boy? Hmm?
512
00:40:49,489 --> 00:40:52,652
Why not start her off with a nice kiss?
513
00:40:52,825 --> 00:40:54,407
You don't have to go leaping
514
00:40:54,494 --> 00:40:56,485
straight for the clitoris
like a bull at a gate.
515
00:40:56,579 --> 00:40:58,911
Give her a kiss, boy.
516
00:41:00,124 --> 00:41:03,242
Suck the nipple, sir?
Good, good. Well done, Wymer.
517
00:41:03,336 --> 00:41:05,668
Stroking the thighs, sir? Yes, yes.
518
00:41:05,755 --> 00:41:07,666
I suppose so. Biting the neck.
519
00:41:07,757 --> 00:41:09,839
Yes, good. Nibbling the earlobe,
520
00:41:09,926 --> 00:41:12,588
kneading the buttocks
and so on and so forth.
521
00:41:12,679 --> 00:41:14,920
So we have all these possibilities,
522
00:41:15,098 --> 00:41:19,262
before we stampede
towards the clitoris, Watson.
523
00:41:19,727 --> 00:41:21,513
Yes, sir. Sorry, sir.
524
00:41:21,604 --> 00:41:24,767
Now, all these forms of stimulation
525
00:41:24,857 --> 00:41:27,315
can now take place.
526
00:41:36,285 --> 00:41:38,822
And, of course, tonguing
will give you the best idea
527
00:41:39,080 --> 00:41:42,618
of how the juices are coming along.
528
00:41:42,709 --> 00:41:46,327
Helen? Now, penetration and coitus,
529
00:41:46,421 --> 00:41:50,460
that is to say intercourse
up to and including orgasm.
530
00:41:51,676 --> 00:41:56,295
Ah, hello, dear. Do stand up when
my wife enters the room, Carter.
531
00:41:56,389 --> 00:41:58,005
Oh, sorry, sir. Sorry.
532
00:41:58,099 --> 00:41:59,715
[HELEN] Humphrey, I hope
you don't mind.
533
00:41:59,809 --> 00:42:02,267
I told the Garfields we
would dine with them tonight.
534
00:42:02,353 --> 00:42:04,219
Yes, yes, well, I suppose we must.
535
00:42:04,313 --> 00:42:06,145
I said we'd be there by 8:00.
536
00:42:06,315 --> 00:42:09,023
At least it'll give me a reason
to wind up the staff meeting.
537
00:42:09,318 --> 00:42:11,980
I know you don't like them, but
I couldn't make another excuse.
538
00:42:12,071 --> 00:42:13,857
It's just that I felt
539
00:42:14,866 --> 00:42:18,109
Wymer, this is for your benefit.
540
00:42:18,202 --> 00:42:20,318
Would you kindly wake up?
541
00:42:20,705 --> 00:42:23,322
I've no intention of going
through this all again.
542
00:42:34,177 --> 00:42:37,420
We'll take the foreplay as
read, if you don't mind, dear.
543
00:42:37,513 --> 00:42:38,633
No, of course not, Humphrey.
544
00:42:38,681 --> 00:42:43,175
So, the man starts by entering
or mounting his good lady wife,
545
00:42:43,269 --> 00:42:45,055
in the standard way.
546
00:42:45,146 --> 00:42:50,312
The penis is now, as you will
observe, more or less fully erect.
547
00:42:50,485 --> 00:42:52,852
There we are, that's better.
548
00:42:52,987 --> 00:42:55,149
Now, Carter.
549
00:42:55,531 --> 00:42:57,693
Yes, sir? What is it?
550
00:42:59,285 --> 00:43:02,698
It's an ocarina, sir. Bring it up here.
551
00:43:03,331 --> 00:43:07,290
The man now starts making thrusting
movements with his pelvic area,
552
00:43:07,376 --> 00:43:10,289
moving the penis up and down
inside the vagina.
553
00:43:10,379 --> 00:43:14,247
Put it there, boy. Put
it there on the table.
554
00:43:14,342 --> 00:43:18,301
While the wife maximizes her clitoral
stimulation by the shaft of the penis,
555
00:43:18,387 --> 00:43:20,128
by pushing forward.
556
00:43:20,264 --> 00:43:21,550
Thank you, dear.
557
00:43:23,893 --> 00:43:25,975
What's funny, Biggs?
558
00:43:26,938 --> 00:43:27,973
Oh, nothing, sir.
559
00:43:28,064 --> 00:43:30,396
Do, please, share your
little joke with the rest of us.
560
00:43:30,525 --> 00:43:33,313
I mean, obviously, something
frightfully funny's going on.
561
00:43:33,402 --> 00:43:34,608
No, honestly, sir.
562
00:43:34,695 --> 00:43:36,026
Well, as it's so funny,
563
00:43:36,114 --> 00:43:39,402
I think you'd better be selected
to play for the boys' team,
564
00:43:39,742 --> 00:43:42,109
in the rugby match against
the masters this afternoon.
565
00:43:43,246 --> 00:43:44,782
Oh, no, sir!
566
00:43:47,750 --> 00:43:49,240
[MEN CHEERING]
567
00:43:54,257 --> 00:43:57,170
[MAN] Come on, Buster!
568
00:44:02,682 --> 00:44:04,047
[SCREAMING]
569
00:44:04,475 --> 00:44:07,092
Well played, well played.
570
00:44:07,562 --> 00:44:08,802
[GROANS]
571
00:44:12,150 --> 00:44:13,766
[BOYS GROANING]
572
00:44:19,699 --> 00:44:21,235
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
573
00:44:27,665 --> 00:44:28,996
[GROANING]
574
00:44:36,799 --> 00:44:38,289
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
575
00:45:17,131 --> 00:45:18,496
[GUNS FIRING]
576
00:45:23,888 --> 00:45:25,754
[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]
577
00:45:25,890 --> 00:45:27,176
[GUNFIRE]
578
00:45:27,475 --> 00:45:28,840
[EXPLOSIONS]
579
00:45:30,561 --> 00:45:34,725
[NARRATOR] The Meaning of
Life, part three. Fighting each other.
580
00:45:40,655 --> 00:45:43,864
Okay, Blackitt, Sturridge and Walters,
you take the buggers on the left flank.
581
00:45:43,991 --> 00:45:45,871
Hordern, Spadger and I
will go for the gun post.
582
00:45:45,910 --> 00:45:46,945
Hang on, 68.
583
00:45:47,036 --> 00:45:49,778
You'll never make it, let us come
with you. Do as you're told, man.
584
00:45:49,872 --> 00:45:52,534
Righto, Skipper. Oh, sir, sir?
585
00:45:52,750 --> 00:45:55,708
[STAMMERING] if we
don't meet again, sir.
586
00:45:55,962 --> 00:46:00,456
I'd just like to say it's been a real
privilege fighting alongside you, sir.
587
00:46:00,549 --> 00:46:03,962
Yes, well, this is hardly the time
or place for a goodbye speech, eh?
588
00:46:04,053 --> 00:46:08,763
Me and the lads realize that, sir, but,
well, we may never meet again, so...
589
00:46:08,975 --> 00:46:10,636
Yes, all right, Blackitt. Thanks a lot.
590
00:46:10,726 --> 00:46:11,807
No, just a moment, sir.
591
00:46:11,894 --> 00:46:14,977
Me and the lads, we've
had a little whip-around, sir.
592
00:46:15,231 --> 00:46:19,065
We've bought you something,
sir. We bought you this, sir.
593
00:46:19,902 --> 00:46:22,985
Oh! Well, it... I don't know what to say.
594
00:46:23,072 --> 00:46:27,441
It's a lovely thought.
Thank you. Thank you all.
595
00:46:27,535 --> 00:46:29,526
But I think we'd better get to cover...
596
00:46:29,620 --> 00:46:31,031
[EXPLOSIONS]
597
00:46:31,580 --> 00:46:35,539
We've got something else
for you as well, sir.
598
00:46:35,626 --> 00:46:38,368
Sorry it's another clock, sir,
only there was a bit of a mix-up.
599
00:46:38,462 --> 00:46:40,794
Walters thought he was buying a present
600
00:46:40,881 --> 00:46:43,418
and Spadger and I had
already got the other one.
601
00:46:44,051 --> 00:46:46,383
Well, it's beautiful,
they're both beautiful.
602
00:46:46,470 --> 00:46:47,756
[GUN FIRING]
603
00:46:48,889 --> 00:46:50,596
I think we'd better get to cover now.
604
00:46:50,683 --> 00:46:52,299
I'll thank you properly later on.
605
00:46:52,393 --> 00:46:54,430
Corporal Sturridge got this
for you as well, sir.
606
00:46:54,520 --> 00:46:56,511
He didn't know about the others.
607
00:46:56,605 --> 00:46:59,518
It's Swiss. Well, now,
that is thoughtful, Sturridge.
608
00:46:59,608 --> 00:47:02,020
Good man. And there's a card, sir.
609
00:47:02,153 --> 00:47:05,942
From all of us, sorry about the blood, sir.
610
00:47:06,282 --> 00:47:07,282
Thank you all.
611
00:47:07,366 --> 00:47:10,404
Squad! Three cheers for Captain Biggs.
612
00:47:10,494 --> 00:47:11,859
Hip, hip. [ALL] Hooray!
613
00:47:11,954 --> 00:47:13,615
Hip. hip. Hooray!
614
00:47:13,748 --> 00:47:15,489
[GUN FIRING] Hip, hip...
615
00:47:15,583 --> 00:47:17,073
Blackitt! Blackitt!
616
00:47:17,168 --> 00:47:20,035
I'll be all right, sir. There's
just one other thing, sir.
617
00:47:20,171 --> 00:47:22,503
Spadgen give him the check. Oh, yeah.
618
00:47:22,590 --> 00:47:24,672
Oh, no, this is really going too far.
619
00:47:24,925 --> 00:47:28,213
I don't seem to be able to find
it, sir, be in number four trench.
620
00:47:28,304 --> 00:47:30,466
For Christ's sake, forget it, man.
621
00:47:31,974 --> 00:47:34,306
You shouldn't have said that, sir.
622
00:47:35,144 --> 00:47:36,760
You've hurt his feelings, now.
623
00:47:36,854 --> 00:47:38,686
Don't mind me, Spadge.
624
00:47:38,814 --> 00:47:43,274
Toffs is all the same. One
minute, it's all please and thank you.
625
00:47:43,486 --> 00:47:46,478
The next, they'll kick
you in the teeth. Yeah.
626
00:47:46,572 --> 00:47:49,610
Let's not give him the cake.
I don't want any cake.
627
00:47:49,700 --> 00:47:52,237
Look, Blackitt cooked it
especially for you, you bastard.
628
00:47:52,328 --> 00:47:54,865
Yeah, he saved his rations
for six weeks, sir.
629
00:47:54,997 --> 00:47:56,328
I don't mean to be ungrateful.
630
00:47:56,374 --> 00:47:58,365
[GUN FIRING] I'll be all right...
631
00:47:58,459 --> 00:48:01,042
Blackie! Blackie!
632
00:48:01,128 --> 00:48:04,917
Look at him! He worked on that
cake like no one else I've ever known.
633
00:48:05,007 --> 00:48:06,847
Some nights it was so cold
we could hardly move
634
00:48:06,884 --> 00:48:08,249
but Blackitt would be out there,
635
00:48:08,344 --> 00:48:11,257
slicing the lemons,
mixing the sugar and almonds.
636
00:48:11,347 --> 00:48:15,466
I mean, you try getting butter to
melt at 15 degrees below zero.
637
00:48:15,559 --> 00:48:20,679
There's love in that cake, this
man's love and this man's care and...
638
00:48:20,773 --> 00:48:22,138
[GUN FIRING]
639
00:48:22,525 --> 00:48:25,859
Oh, my Christ! You bastard.
640
00:48:27,363 --> 00:48:31,027
All right, we will eat
the cake. They're right.
641
00:48:31,200 --> 00:48:33,612
It's too good a cake not to eat.
642
00:48:33,702 --> 00:48:35,097
Get the plates and knives, Walters.
643
00:48:35,121 --> 00:48:36,361
Yes, sir. How many plates?
644
00:48:36,455 --> 00:48:37,616
Six.
645
00:48:37,706 --> 00:48:39,071
[GUN FIRING]
646
00:48:39,625 --> 00:48:42,333
Oh, better make it five. Tablecloth, sir?
647
00:48:42,420 --> 00:48:44,878
Yes, get the tablecloth.
648
00:48:45,881 --> 00:48:47,918
No, no, I'll get the tablecloth.
649
00:48:48,008 --> 00:48:49,653
You better get
the gate leg table, Hordern.
650
00:48:49,677 --> 00:48:50,963
[GUN FIRING]
651
00:48:51,053 --> 00:48:53,215
And the little lamp, sir? Yes.
652
00:48:53,305 --> 00:48:55,922
Oh, and while you're at it,
you'd better get a doily.
653
00:48:56,016 --> 00:48:58,053
I'll bring two, sir,
in case one gets crumpled.
654
00:48:58,144 --> 00:48:59,475
Okay!
655
00:49:03,107 --> 00:49:06,645
But, of course, warfare
isn't all fun. Right. Stop that.
656
00:49:06,902 --> 00:49:08,662
It's all very well to
laugh at the military,
657
00:49:08,737 --> 00:49:10,648
but when one considers
the meaning of life,
658
00:49:10,739 --> 00:49:14,357
it is a struggle between
alternative viewpoints of life itself.
659
00:49:14,577 --> 00:49:17,239
Without the ability to
defend one's own viewpoint,
660
00:49:17,329 --> 00:49:19,661
against other perhaps
more aggressive ideologies,
661
00:49:19,790 --> 00:49:23,784
then reasonableness and moderation
could quite simply disappear.
662
00:49:24,503 --> 00:49:27,086
That is why we'll always need an army.
663
00:49:27,173 --> 00:49:29,665
May God strike me down
were it to be otherwise.
664
00:49:34,263 --> 00:49:36,345
Don't stand there gawping,
665
00:49:36,432 --> 00:49:39,140
like you've never seen
the hand of God before!
666
00:49:39,226 --> 00:49:43,686
Now, today we're going to do
marching up and down the square.
667
00:49:43,772 --> 00:49:48,141
That is, unless any of you
got anything better to do.
668
00:49:48,360 --> 00:49:50,692
Well?
669
00:49:50,779 --> 00:49:52,895
Anyone got anything
they'd rather be doing,
670
00:49:52,990 --> 00:49:57,154
than marching up and down the square?
671
00:49:58,913 --> 00:50:01,325
Yes! Atkinson.
672
00:50:03,626 --> 00:50:08,621
What would you
rather be doing, Atkinson?
673
00:50:08,714 --> 00:50:12,423
Well, to be quite honest, Sarge, I'd
rather be home with the wife and kids.
674
00:50:14,220 --> 00:50:16,302
Would you now?
675
00:50:16,472 --> 00:50:19,305
Yes, Sarge. Right. Off you go.
676
00:50:19,975 --> 00:50:21,761
Now,
677
00:50:21,852 --> 00:50:24,640
everybody else happy with my little plan,
678
00:50:24,980 --> 00:50:27,563
of marching up and down
the square a bit?
679
00:50:27,650 --> 00:50:29,015
Sarge? Yes?
680
00:50:29,109 --> 00:50:30,725
I've got a book I'd quite like to read.
681
00:50:30,819 --> 00:50:32,059
Go read your book then.
682
00:50:32,154 --> 00:50:33,394
Now!
683
00:50:34,490 --> 00:50:38,825
Everybody else quite content to join in
684
00:50:38,994 --> 00:50:42,328
with my little scheme of marching
685
00:50:42,456 --> 00:50:45,164
up and down the square?
686
00:50:45,251 --> 00:50:46,787
Sarge?
687
00:50:46,877 --> 00:50:48,914
Yes, Wyclif, what is it?
688
00:50:49,088 --> 00:50:52,581
Well, I'm learning the piano.
689
00:50:52,675 --> 00:50:54,666
Learning the piano?
690
00:50:55,177 --> 00:50:57,384
Yes, Sarge. And I suppose
691
00:50:57,471 --> 00:51:00,304
you want to go practice, eh?
692
00:51:00,391 --> 00:51:04,385
Marching up and down the
square not good enough for you, eh?
693
00:51:04,478 --> 00:51:06,970
Well... Right! Off you go!
694
00:51:07,064 --> 00:51:10,147
Now, what about the rest of you?
695
00:51:11,527 --> 00:51:15,111
Rather be at the pictures, I suppose.
696
00:51:15,823 --> 00:51:17,359
[ALL MUTTERING]
697
00:51:17,741 --> 00:51:20,028
All right! Off you go!
698
00:51:23,539 --> 00:51:25,450
Bloody army. I don't know
what it's coming to.
699
00:51:25,541 --> 00:51:28,283
Right. Sergeant Major
marching up and down the square.
700
00:51:28,377 --> 00:51:30,243
Left, right, left.
701
00:51:30,337 --> 00:51:32,123
[NARRATOR 2]
Democracy and humanitarianism
702
00:51:32,214 --> 00:51:34,455
have always been trademarks
of the British Army.
703
00:51:34,550 --> 00:51:35,881
[SERGEANT MAJOR] Rubbish! Shh!
704
00:51:35,968 --> 00:51:40,178
And have stamped its triumph in the
furthest-flung corners of the Empire.
705
00:51:40,598 --> 00:51:42,088
[ALL GRUNTING]
706
00:51:42,224 --> 00:51:43,385
[PEOPLE ULULATING]
707
00:51:43,475 --> 00:51:45,057
[BUGLE SOUNDING]
708
00:51:45,352 --> 00:51:46,842
[GUNS FIRING]
709
00:51:57,239 --> 00:52:00,527
But no matter where or when
there was fighting to be done,
710
00:52:00,701 --> 00:52:04,569
it has always been the calm
leadership of the officer class
711
00:52:04,663 --> 00:52:07,405
that has made the British Army what it is.
712
00:52:42,451 --> 00:52:44,317
Excuse me.
713
00:52:50,959 --> 00:52:53,246
Morning, Ainsworth.
Morning, Pakenham.
714
00:52:53,504 --> 00:52:56,872
Sleep well? Not bad.
Bitten to shreds, though.
715
00:52:56,965 --> 00:52:58,876
Must be that hole in
the bloody mosquito net.
716
00:52:58,967 --> 00:53:02,210
Yes, savage little blighters, aren't they?
717
00:53:02,304 --> 00:53:04,261
Excuse me, sir. Yes, Chadwick?
718
00:53:04,348 --> 00:53:07,010
I'm afraid Perkins got rather
badly bitten during the night.
719
00:53:07,101 --> 00:53:08,557
Well, so did we.
720
00:53:08,644 --> 00:53:10,806
Yes, but I do think
Doctor ought to see him.
721
00:53:11,480 --> 00:53:14,848
Well, go and fetch him then.
Right you are, sir.
722
00:53:14,942 --> 00:53:17,058
Suppose I'd better go along.
Coming, Pakenham?
723
00:53:17,152 --> 00:53:19,564
Yes, I suppose so.
724
00:53:19,655 --> 00:53:22,488
Here, now. Come on, boy.
725
00:53:23,283 --> 00:53:24,739
[GUNS FIRING]
726
00:53:24,827 --> 00:53:26,659
[ULULATING CONTINUES]
727
00:53:29,164 --> 00:53:30,529
[SCREAMING]
728
00:53:31,583 --> 00:53:33,620
Morning, Perkins.
729
00:53:33,711 --> 00:53:36,499
Morning, sir. What's
all the trouble, then?
730
00:53:36,755 --> 00:53:39,463
Bitten, sir. During the night.
731
00:53:39,550 --> 00:53:40,756
Oh?
732
00:53:40,843 --> 00:53:43,084
The whole leg gone, eh? Yes.
733
00:53:44,054 --> 00:53:45,636
How's it feel?
734
00:53:45,681 --> 00:53:49,345
Stings a bit. Well, it would, wouldn't it?
735
00:53:49,435 --> 00:53:53,144
That's quite a bite you've got there.
736
00:53:53,230 --> 00:53:55,267
Yes. A real beauty, isn't it?
737
00:53:55,357 --> 00:53:56,847
Any idea how it happened?
738
00:53:56,942 --> 00:53:59,400
None whatsoever.
Complete mystery to me.
739
00:53:59,486 --> 00:54:02,569
Woke up just now, one sock too many.
740
00:54:02,698 --> 00:54:04,439
You must have a hell
of a hole in your net.
741
00:54:04,533 --> 00:54:05,944
We've sent for the doctor.
742
00:54:06,034 --> 00:54:09,072
Hardly worth it, is it?
Yes. Better safe than sorry.
743
00:54:09,204 --> 00:54:13,323
Yes. Good Lord, look at this.
By Jove! That's enormous.
744
00:54:13,417 --> 00:54:15,875
You don't think it'll come back, do you?
745
00:54:15,961 --> 00:54:17,167
For more, you mean?
746
00:54:17,254 --> 00:54:18,773
You're right. We'd
better get this stitched.
747
00:54:18,797 --> 00:54:20,458
Right-Hello, DOC!
748
00:54:20,549 --> 00:54:24,918
Morning. I came as fast
as I could. Is something up?
749
00:54:25,012 --> 00:54:29,802
Yes. During the night, old
Perkins got his leg bitten sort of off.
750
00:54:30,267 --> 00:54:33,134
Oh, yeah. Been in the wars, have we?
751
00:54:33,228 --> 00:54:34,309
Yes.
752
00:54:34,396 --> 00:54:36,933
Any headache? Bowels all right?
753
00:54:37,566 --> 00:54:41,150
Well, let's have a look at
this one leg of yours, then, eh?
754
00:54:42,404 --> 00:54:44,816
Yes. Yes, yes, yes.
755
00:54:44,907 --> 00:54:49,743
Yes, yes. Yes, yes. Yes, well,
this is nothing to worry about.
756
00:54:50,078 --> 00:54:53,161
Oh, good. There's a lot of
it about. Probably a virus.
757
00:54:53,248 --> 00:54:56,240
Keep warm, plenty of rest and if
you're playing football or anything,
758
00:54:56,418 --> 00:54:58,079
try and favour the other leg.
759
00:54:58,170 --> 00:54:59,877
Oh, righto.
760
00:54:59,963 --> 00:55:01,954
As right as rain in a couple of days.
761
00:55:02,049 --> 00:55:03,881
Oh. Thanks for the reassurance, Doc.
762
00:55:03,967 --> 00:55:05,753
Not at all. That's what I'm here for.
763
00:55:05,844 --> 00:55:08,302
Any other problems
I can reassure you about?
764
00:55:08,388 --> 00:55:09,674
No, I'm fine.
765
00:55:09,765 --> 00:55:12,006
Jolly good. Well, must be off.
766
00:55:12,184 --> 00:55:15,677
So it'll just grow back
again, then, will it?
767
00:55:16,772 --> 00:55:17,933
Uh
768
00:55:19,066 --> 00:55:22,309
I think I'd better come
clean with you about this.
769
00:55:22,402 --> 00:55:25,986
It's not a virus, I'm afraid.
770
00:55:26,073 --> 00:55:30,032
You see, a virus is what we
doctors call very, very small,
771
00:55:30,118 --> 00:55:33,702
so small it could not possibly
have made off with a whole leg.
772
00:55:33,789 --> 00:55:36,531
What we're looking for, and this is
no more than an educated guess,
773
00:55:36,625 --> 00:55:37,865
I'd like to make that clear,
774
00:55:37,960 --> 00:55:40,201
is some multi-cellular life-form
775
00:55:40,295 --> 00:55:44,710
with stripes, huge, razor-sharp
teeth, about 11-foot long
776
00:55:44,800 --> 00:55:47,212
and oi the genus Felis Horribilis.
777
00:55:47,302 --> 00:55:51,170
What we doctors, in fact, call a tiger.
778
00:55:51,348 --> 00:55:55,182
[ALL] A tiger?
779
00:55:55,519 --> 00:55:57,180
[PEOPLE ULULATING]
780
00:55:59,106 --> 00:56:01,222
A tiger in Africa? Hmm?
781
00:56:01,316 --> 00:56:03,023
A tiger in Africa!
782
00:56:05,153 --> 00:56:07,394
Ah, well, it's probably
escaped from a zoo.
783
00:56:07,489 --> 00:56:08,775
Doesn't sound very likely to me.
784
00:56:08,866 --> 00:56:11,233
Mmm-mmm-mmm. [SOLDIER] Sir! Sir!
785
00:56:11,326 --> 00:56:13,909
The attack's over, sir.
The Zulus are retreating.
786
00:56:13,996 --> 00:56:15,111
Oh, jolly good.
787
00:56:15,205 --> 00:56:16,912
Quite a lot of casualties, sir.
788
00:56:16,999 --> 00:56:18,990
C-division wiped out. Signals gone.
789
00:56:19,126 --> 00:56:21,083
Thirty men killed in F-section. Yes, I see.
790
00:56:21,169 --> 00:56:23,786
I should think about
150 men altogether, sir.
791
00:56:23,881 --> 00:56:25,087
Jolly good.
792
00:56:25,173 --> 00:56:26,442
I haven't got the final figures,
793
00:56:26,466 --> 00:56:28,611
but there's a lot of seriously
wounded in the compound...
794
00:56:28,635 --> 00:56:32,344
Yes, well, the thing is, Sergeant,
I've got a bit of a problem here.
795
00:56:34,308 --> 00:56:37,096
One of the officers has lost a leg.
796
00:56:37,185 --> 00:56:39,722
Oh, no, sir! I'm afraid so.
797
00:56:39,813 --> 00:56:42,100
Probably a tiger. In Africa?
798
00:56:42,190 --> 00:56:43,305
[MUMBLING]
799
00:56:43,400 --> 00:56:47,268
The MO says we can stitch it
back on if we can find it immediately.
800
00:56:47,362 --> 00:56:49,649
Right, sir. I'll organize a party.
801
00:56:49,740 --> 00:56:52,357
It's hardly the time for that, Sergeant.
802
00:56:52,451 --> 00:56:56,160
A search party. Much better idea.
803
00:56:56,997 --> 00:56:58,579
[BUGLE SOUNDING]
804
00:56:58,874 --> 00:57:00,615
[SOLDIERS GROANING]
805
00:57:01,084 --> 00:57:02,290
Sorry about the mess, sir.
806
00:57:02,377 --> 00:57:05,085
We'll try and get it cleared
up by the time you get back.
807
00:57:05,172 --> 00:57:07,254
We showed them, didn't we, sir? Yes.
808
00:57:07,341 --> 00:57:09,753
Here. We got a search party.
Leave that alone.
809
00:57:09,843 --> 00:57:12,631
All this killing, bloodshed.
Bloody good fun, sir, isn't it?
810
00:57:12,721 --> 00:57:13,802
Yes, very good.
811
00:57:13,889 --> 00:57:14,970
[SOLDIER] Morning, sir.
812
00:57:15,057 --> 00:57:16,492
Nasty wound you've got there, fella.
813
00:57:16,516 --> 00:57:18,348
Thank you very much, sir.
814
00:57:19,019 --> 00:57:21,477
Come on, Private.
Making up a search party.
815
00:57:23,523 --> 00:57:25,480
Better than staying home, isn't it?
816
00:57:25,567 --> 00:57:27,774
I mean, at home if you kill
someone, they arrest you.
817
00:57:27,861 --> 00:57:30,603
Here, they give you a gun
and show you what to do, sir.
818
00:57:30,697 --> 00:57:35,442
I mean, I killed 15 of those
buggers, sir. At home, they'd hang me.
819
00:57:35,535 --> 00:57:37,902
Here, they'll give me a fucking medal, sir.
820
00:57:40,707 --> 00:57:42,493
[INSECTS CHITTERING]
821
00:57:53,428 --> 00:57:55,044
[CLEARING THROAT]
822
00:57:55,138 --> 00:57:58,221
Sorry, sir. Thank you, Sergeant Major.
823
00:58:16,034 --> 00:58:17,945
Look!
824
00:58:19,329 --> 00:58:21,445
My God! It's huge!
825
00:58:24,376 --> 00:58:25,537
[TIGER GROWLING]
826
00:58:29,423 --> 00:58:31,130
[MONKEYS SCREECHING]
827
00:58:31,299 --> 00:58:33,961
Don't shoot. Don't
shoot. We're not a tiger.
828
00:58:35,470 --> 00:58:37,757
We were just...
829
00:58:38,265 --> 00:58:40,302
Why are you dressed as a tiger?
830
00:58:42,644 --> 00:58:44,635
On, why, why, why?
831
00:58:44,730 --> 00:58:46,391
Isn't it a lovely day today?
832
00:58:46,481 --> 00:58:49,769
Answer the question. Oh, we were just...
833
00:58:49,860 --> 00:58:53,774
Well, actually, we're
dressed like this because...
834
00:58:54,656 --> 00:58:56,363
Oh, no, that's not it.
835
00:58:56,450 --> 00:58:59,192
Oh, we did it for a laugh.
Part of a spree. High spirits.
836
00:58:59,286 --> 00:59:02,074
Simple as that. Nothing more to it.
837
00:59:02,414 --> 00:59:05,372
Well, actually, we're on a
mission for British Intelligence.
838
00:59:05,709 --> 00:59:08,201
There's a pro-czarist Asante chief...
839
00:59:08,295 --> 00:59:10,206
No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no.
840
00:59:10,297 --> 00:59:12,459
No, no, no, no. We're doing
it for an advertisement.
841
00:59:12,549 --> 00:59:14,881
Ah, that's it. Forget about the Russians.
842
00:59:14,968 --> 00:59:17,585
We're doing an advert
for Tiger Brand Coffee.
843
00:59:17,679 --> 00:59:19,261
Tiger Brand Coffee is a real treat.
844
00:59:19,347 --> 00:59:21,805
Even tigers prefer
a cup of it to real meat.
845
00:59:21,892 --> 00:59:24,259
Now, look... All right, all right.
846
00:59:24,352 --> 00:59:27,640
We are dressed as a tiger because
he had an auntie who did it in 1839.
847
00:59:27,731 --> 00:59:30,940
This is the 50th anniversary.
No. We're doing it for a bet.
848
00:59:31,026 --> 00:59:32,026
God told us to do it.
849
00:59:32,110 --> 00:59:34,852
To tell the truth, we are completely mad.
850
00:59:34,946 --> 00:59:37,313
We're inmates of a Bengali
psychiatric institution,
851
00:59:37,407 --> 00:59:42,117
and we escaped by making this
skin out of old used cereal packets.
852
00:59:42,204 --> 00:59:44,491
[PERKINS] It doesn't matter! What?
853
00:59:44,581 --> 00:59:49,792
It doesn't matter why they're dressed
as a tiger. Have they got my leg?
854
00:59:49,878 --> 00:59:52,540
Good thinking. Well, have you?
855
00:59:52,631 --> 00:59:54,963
Actually... Yes?
856
00:59:55,050 --> 00:59:57,212
We were thinking of
training as taxidermists.
857
00:59:57,302 --> 00:59:59,405
We wanted to get the feel of it
from the animal's point of view.
858
00:59:59,429 --> 01:00:00,464
Be quiet!
859
01:00:00,555 --> 01:00:02,967
Now look, we're just asking you
860
01:00:03,058 --> 01:00:04,969
if you've got this man's leg.
861
01:00:05,727 --> 01:00:08,014
A wooden leg? No, no, a proper leg.
862
01:00:08,105 --> 01:00:13,145
He was fast asleep, and someone
or something came in and removed it.
863
01:00:14,069 --> 01:00:15,730
Without waking him up?
864
01:00:18,073 --> 01:00:20,280
Yes. I don't believe you.
865
01:00:20,367 --> 01:00:23,075
We found the tiger skin
in a bicycle shop in Cairo.
866
01:00:23,161 --> 01:00:24,993
The owner wanted it
taken to Dar Es Salaam.
867
01:00:25,080 --> 01:00:26,080
Shut up!
868
01:00:26,123 --> 01:00:29,787
Now look, have you or
have you not got his leg?
869
01:00:29,960 --> 01:00:33,794
Yes. No. No, no, no, no. No. No, no, no.
870
01:00:35,298 --> 01:00:37,881
Why did you say yes? I didn't.
871
01:00:37,968 --> 01:00:39,584
I'm not talking to you.
872
01:00:41,596 --> 01:00:42,927
Um...
873
01:00:44,099 --> 01:00:45,339
Um...
874
01:00:47,060 --> 01:00:48,971
Right. Search the thicket.
875
01:00:49,354 --> 01:00:51,721
Oh, come on. I mean, do we look like
876
01:00:51,815 --> 01:00:53,668
the sort of chaps who'd
creep into a camp at night,
877
01:00:53,692 --> 01:00:56,605
steal into someone's tent,
anaesthetize them, tissue-type them,
878
01:00:56,695 --> 01:00:58,936
amputate a leg and run away with it?
879
01:00:59,489 --> 01:01:01,105
Search the thicket.
880
01:01:01,408 --> 01:01:03,900
Oh, leg! You're looking for a leg!
881
01:01:03,994 --> 01:01:06,235
Actually, I think there
is one there somewhere.
882
01:01:06,329 --> 01:01:08,161
Somebody must have abandoned it here,
883
01:01:08,248 --> 01:01:09,909
knowing you were coming after it.
884
01:01:10,000 --> 01:01:11,978
We stumbled across it, actually,
and wondered what it was.
885
01:01:12,002 --> 01:01:13,242
They'll be miles away by now.
886
01:01:13,336 --> 01:01:16,795
We'll have to take all the blame.
887
01:01:17,257 --> 01:01:21,467
Hello, good evening and
welcome to The Middle of the Film.
888
01:01:28,310 --> 01:01:30,893
Hello and welcome
to The Middle of the Film,
889
01:01:30,979 --> 01:01:33,721
the moment where we take a
break and invite you, the audience,
890
01:01:33,815 --> 01:01:37,308
to join us, the film makers,
in Find the Fish.
891
01:01:38,653 --> 01:01:40,860
We're going to show you
a scene from another film
892
01:01:40,947 --> 01:01:43,689
and ask you to guess where the fish is.
893
01:01:43,783 --> 01:01:46,525
But if you think you know,
don't keep it to yourselves.
894
01:01:46,620 --> 01:01:48,987
Yell out so that all the
cinema can hear you.
895
01:01:49,080 --> 01:01:52,118
So here we are with Find the Fish.
896
01:02:01,801 --> 01:02:05,590
I wonder where that fish has gone.
897
01:02:05,680 --> 01:02:07,591
You did love it so.
898
01:02:07,682 --> 01:02:10,720
You looked after it like a son.
899
01:02:10,810 --> 01:02:15,099
And it went wherever I did go.
900
01:02:15,190 --> 01:02:18,808
Is it in the cupboard?
[AUDIENCE] Yes! No!
901
01:02:18,902 --> 01:02:23,237
Wouldn't you like to know?
It was a lovely little fish.
902
01:02:23,323 --> 01:02:28,113
And it went wherever I did go.
903
01:02:28,203 --> 01:02:32,572
[MAN] It's behind the sofa!
Where can that fish be?
904
01:02:32,791 --> 01:02:35,203
[MAN 2] Have you thought
of the drawers in the bureau?
905
01:02:35,293 --> 01:02:38,376
It is a most elusive fish.
906
01:02:38,463 --> 01:02:42,627
And it went wherever I did go.
907
01:02:42,717 --> 01:02:46,881
On! Fishy, fishy, fishy, fish.
908
01:02:46,972 --> 01:02:51,557
Fish, fish, fishy, Oh!
909
01:02:51,643 --> 01:02:56,558
On! Fishy, fishy, fishy, fish!
910
01:02:56,648 --> 01:03:00,767
That went wherever I did go.
911
01:03:00,902 --> 01:03:04,440
[MAN 3] Look up his trunk!
[MAN 4] Yeah! It's in his trousers!
912
01:03:04,531 --> 01:03:06,898
That was terrific! Great! Yeah!
913
01:03:06,992 --> 01:03:10,576
Best bit so far. Fantastic! Really great!
914
01:03:10,662 --> 01:03:12,903
Really risky, yeah.
915
01:03:16,418 --> 01:03:20,082
They haven't said much about
the meaning of life so far, have they?
916
01:03:20,213 --> 01:03:22,671
Well, it's been building up to it. Has it?
917
01:03:22,757 --> 01:03:25,670
Yeah, I expect they'll get onto it now.
918
01:03:25,760 --> 01:03:27,467
Personally, I doubt
919
01:03:27,554 --> 01:03:30,171
they're going to say anything
about the meaning of life at all.
920
01:03:30,265 --> 01:03:31,972
Oh, come on.
They've gotta say something.
921
01:03:32,058 --> 01:03:33,298
They're bound to.
922
01:03:33,393 --> 01:03:35,259
Yeah.
923
01:03:38,356 --> 01:03:40,393
What do you think the next bit will be?
924
01:03:40,483 --> 01:03:41,483
Caption, I expect.
925
01:03:41,568 --> 01:03:44,856
What, about the next stage of life,
you mean? Oh, yeah. Here we go.
926
01:03:44,946 --> 01:03:46,482
[NARRATOR] Middle Age.
927
01:03:46,573 --> 01:03:48,314
[FISH] Could've guessed it.
928
01:03:53,955 --> 01:03:56,071
That's much better. Thank you, honey.
929
01:03:56,166 --> 01:03:57,372
You're welcome.
930
01:03:59,210 --> 01:04:00,871
It was all sort of misty before.
931
01:04:00,962 --> 01:04:01,962
[CAMERA CLICKING]
932
01:04:02,047 --> 01:04:05,210
That's fine. Hey! How are you?
933
01:04:05,300 --> 01:04:06,711
Oh, we're just fine.
934
01:04:06,801 --> 01:04:09,168
What kind of food you
like to eat this evening?
935
01:04:09,262 --> 01:04:11,378
Well, we sort of like pineapple.
936
01:04:11,473 --> 01:04:13,384
Yeah, we love pineapple.
937
01:04:13,475 --> 01:04:16,342
Yeah, anything with
pineapple in is great for us.
938
01:04:16,436 --> 01:04:18,973
Well, how 'bout the dungeon room?
939
01:04:19,064 --> 01:04:20,554
Oh, that sounds fine.
940
01:04:20,648 --> 01:04:22,685
Sure is. It's real Hawaiian food,
941
01:04:22,776 --> 01:04:27,236
served in an authentic medieval
English dungeon atmosphere.
942
01:04:28,156 --> 01:04:29,692
[MAN GROANING]
943
01:04:31,701 --> 01:04:34,159
♪ [HAWAIIAN MUSIC PLAYING] ♪
944
01:04:36,664 --> 01:04:38,154
[MAN GROANING]
945
01:04:42,796 --> 01:04:45,288
Isn't this nice? How are ya?
946
01:04:47,133 --> 01:04:50,342
Take a little Kodak. Oh, thank
you. Thank you very much.
947
01:04:52,680 --> 01:04:53,680
[SCATTING]
948
01:04:53,765 --> 01:04:55,255
[MAN GROANING]
949
01:04:55,767 --> 01:04:57,223
[MUSIC STOPS]
950
01:05:04,859 --> 01:05:08,068
Good evening. Would you
care for something to talk about?
951
01:05:08,154 --> 01:05:10,065
Oh, that would be wonderful.
952
01:05:10,156 --> 01:05:12,568
Our special tonight is minorities.
953
01:05:12,659 --> 01:05:14,775
Oh, that sounds real interesting.
954
01:05:14,869 --> 01:05:18,362
What's this conversation
here? That's football.
955
01:05:18,456 --> 01:05:20,788
You can talk about the
Steelers-Bears game Saturday,
956
01:05:20,875 --> 01:05:24,243
or you could reminisce about
really great World Series.
957
01:05:24,337 --> 01:05:26,704
No, no, no. What is this one here?
958
01:05:26,798 --> 01:05:30,541
That's philosophy. Is that a sport?
959
01:05:31,052 --> 01:05:33,214
No, it's more of an attempt
960
01:05:33,304 --> 01:05:37,218
to construct a viable hypothesis
to explain the meaning of life.
961
01:05:37,308 --> 01:05:40,391
What was that? What's he saying?
962
01:05:40,478 --> 01:05:42,310
Oh, that sounds wonderful.
963
01:05:42,397 --> 01:05:45,230
Would you like to talk about
the meaning of life, darling?
964
01:05:45,859 --> 01:05:47,395
Sure. Why not?
965
01:05:47,485 --> 01:05:49,601
Philosophy for two? Right.
966
01:05:49,696 --> 01:05:51,607
Room? 259.
967
01:05:51,698 --> 01:05:53,905
259. Yeah.
968
01:05:53,992 --> 01:05:56,825
[STAMMERING] How do we...
969
01:05:56,911 --> 01:05:59,152
Oh, you folks want me to start you off?
970
01:05:59,247 --> 01:06:00,658
We'd appreciate that.
971
01:06:00,748 --> 01:06:04,082
Okay! Well, look.
972
01:06:04,169 --> 01:06:07,332
Have you ever wondered
just why you're here?
973
01:06:09,257 --> 01:06:12,340
Well, we went to Miami last year
and California the year before...
974
01:06:12,427 --> 01:06:16,091
No, no, no. I mean, why
we're here, on this planet.
975
01:06:19,559 --> 01:06:20,594
No.
976
01:06:20,685 --> 01:06:24,895
Right. You ever wanted
to know what it's all about?
977
01:06:25,106 --> 01:06:26,562
Nope.
978
01:06:26,858 --> 01:06:29,850
Righty-ho! Well,
979
01:06:29,944 --> 01:06:32,527
see, throughout history, there've
been certain men and women,
980
01:06:32,614 --> 01:06:36,778
who've tried to find the solution
to the mysteries of existence.
981
01:06:37,118 --> 01:06:38,118
Great!
982
01:06:38,203 --> 01:06:40,114
And we call these guys philosophers.
983
01:06:40,246 --> 01:06:42,453
Oh! And that's what we're talking about.
984
01:06:42,540 --> 01:06:44,577
Right! Oh, that's neat.
985
01:06:44,667 --> 01:06:46,499
Well, you look like
you're getting the idea,
986
01:06:46,586 --> 01:06:49,203
so why don't I give you
these conversation cards.
987
01:06:49,297 --> 01:06:53,712
They'll tell you a little about philosophical
method, names of famous philosophers.
988
01:06:53,801 --> 01:06:56,384
There you are. Have a nice conversation.
989
01:06:56,471 --> 01:06:58,382
Oh, thank you very much.
990
01:06:58,473 --> 01:07:01,556
He's cute. Yeah, real understanding.
991
01:07:01,643 --> 01:07:05,978
Oh! I never knew Schopenhauer
was a philosopher.
992
01:07:07,357 --> 01:07:10,975
Oh, yeah. He's the one
that begins with an
993
01:07:13,863 --> 01:07:15,149
Oh.
994
01:07:17,951 --> 01:07:19,533
Like Nietzsche.
995
01:07:21,496 --> 01:07:23,453
Does Nietzsche begin with an S?
996
01:07:25,375 --> 01:07:28,083
There's an S in Nietzsche.
997
01:07:29,754 --> 01:07:31,995
Oh, well, yes, there is.
998
01:07:32,924 --> 01:07:35,165
Do all philosophers have an S in them?
999
01:07:35,635 --> 01:07:37,876
Yeah. I think most of them do.
1000
01:07:38,471 --> 01:07:42,886
Oh. Does that mean Salena
Jones is a philosopher?
1001
01:07:43,476 --> 01:07:46,184
Yeah! Right! She could be.
1002
01:07:46,479 --> 01:07:48,561
She sings about the meaning of life.
1003
01:07:48,690 --> 01:07:53,526
Yeah. That's right, but I don't
think she writes her own material.
1004
01:07:53,611 --> 01:07:57,605
No. Oh, maybe Schopenhauer
writes her material.
1005
01:07:58,032 --> 01:08:00,364
No. Burt Bacharach writes it.
1006
01:08:01,744 --> 01:08:03,655
There's no S in Burt Bacharach.
1007
01:08:04,414 --> 01:08:05,996
Or in Hal David.
1008
01:08:07,125 --> 01:08:08,707
Who's Hal David?
1009
01:08:09,127 --> 01:08:12,210
He writes the lyrics.
Burt just writes the tunes.
1010
01:08:12,297 --> 01:08:15,881
Only now, he's married
to Carole Bayer Sager.
1011
01:08:19,178 --> 01:08:22,045
Waiter? This conversation
isn't very good.
1012
01:08:22,140 --> 01:08:27,260
Oh, I'm sorry, sir. We do have
one today that's not on the menu.
1013
01:08:27,353 --> 01:08:29,310
It's sort of a speciality
of the house, you know?
1014
01:08:29,397 --> 01:08:31,354
Live organ transplants.
1015
01:08:32,317 --> 01:08:34,775
Live organ transplants? What's that?
1016
01:08:37,071 --> 01:08:41,486
[NARRATOR] The Meaning of
Life, part five. Live organ transplants.
1017
01:08:42,535 --> 01:08:44,196
[DOORBELL RINGING]
1018
01:08:44,454 --> 01:08:46,741
Don't worry, dear. I'll get it.
1019
01:08:46,831 --> 01:08:48,162
[COUGHING]
1020
01:08:48,291 --> 01:08:50,498
[HAVA NAGILA PLAYING]
1021
01:08:54,213 --> 01:08:56,875
Yes? Hello. Can we have your liver?
1022
01:08:57,675 --> 01:08:59,507
Your liver. What?
1023
01:09:00,553 --> 01:09:03,716
It's a large glandular organ
in your abdomen.
1024
01:09:05,600 --> 01:09:08,262
You know, it's
reddish-brown, it's sort of...
1025
01:09:08,353 --> 01:09:12,438
Yeah, yeah, I know
what it is, but I'm using it.
1026
01:09:14,776 --> 01:09:17,985
Come on, sir. Don't muck
us about. Hey, hey, hey!
1027
01:09:18,946 --> 01:09:20,357
Hello!
1028
01:09:22,617 --> 01:09:25,200
What's this, then? A liver donor's card.
1029
01:09:25,286 --> 01:09:27,277
Need we say more? No.
1030
01:09:27,372 --> 01:09:31,161
Listen, I can't give it to you now.
It says, In the event of death.
1031
01:09:31,250 --> 01:09:32,456
My God!
1032
01:09:32,543 --> 01:09:36,161
No one has ever had their liver
taken out by us and survived.
1033
01:09:36,255 --> 01:09:38,496
Just lie there, sir. It
won't take a minute.
1034
01:09:38,675 --> 01:09:40,382
[SCREAMING]
1035
01:09:52,939 --> 01:09:54,896
Here. What's going on?
1036
01:09:54,982 --> 01:09:56,768
He's donating his liver, madam.
1037
01:09:58,152 --> 01:10:01,065
Is this because he took out
one of those silly cards?
1038
01:10:01,155 --> 01:10:04,068
That's right, madam. Typical of him.
1039
01:10:04,158 --> 01:10:07,901
He goes down to the public
library, sees a few signs up,
1040
01:10:07,995 --> 01:10:10,407
comes home all full of good intentions.
1041
01:10:11,165 --> 01:10:15,124
He gives blood, does cold
research, all that sort of thing.
1042
01:10:15,211 --> 01:10:16,576
[SCREAMING]
1043
01:10:19,173 --> 01:10:21,835
What do you do with them all, anyway?
1044
01:10:21,926 --> 01:10:24,088
They all go to saving lives, madam.
1045
01:10:24,178 --> 01:10:25,634
That's what he used to say.
1046
01:10:25,722 --> 01:10:28,054
It's all for the good of the
country, he used to say.
1047
01:10:28,141 --> 01:10:29,597
[MAN GASPING]
1048
01:10:29,684 --> 01:10:32,096
Do you think it's all for
the good of the country?
1049
01:10:32,270 --> 01:10:33,270
Hmm?
1050
01:10:33,354 --> 01:10:35,766
Do you think it's all for
the good of the country?
1051
01:10:35,857 --> 01:10:37,126
I wouldn't know about that, madam.
1052
01:10:37,150 --> 01:10:38,857
We're just doing our jobs, you know?
1053
01:10:38,985 --> 01:10:40,475
[MAN SCREAMING]
1054
01:10:41,362 --> 01:10:43,729
You're not doctors, then?
1055
01:10:44,574 --> 01:10:46,315
Oh, blimey, no.
1056
01:10:47,493 --> 01:10:49,860
Mum, Dad, I'm off out now.
1057
01:10:49,954 --> 01:10:52,537
I'll see you about 7:00? Righto, son.
1058
01:10:52,707 --> 01:10:54,618
Look after yourself.
1059
01:10:54,709 --> 01:10:56,199
[MAN SCREAMING]
1060
01:10:59,255 --> 01:11:02,338
You fancy a cup of tea?
1061
01:11:03,176 --> 01:11:05,759
Oh, well, that'd be very nice. Thank you.
1062
01:11:06,345 --> 01:11:08,928
Thank you very much,
madam. Thank you.
1063
01:11:10,683 --> 01:11:12,515
I thought she'd never ask.
1064
01:11:16,773 --> 01:11:18,935
You do realize
1065
01:11:19,025 --> 01:11:23,861
he has to be, well, dead,
by the terms of the card,
1066
01:11:24,322 --> 01:11:26,279
before he donates his liver.
1067
01:11:26,699 --> 01:11:30,488
Well, I told him that, but he
never listens to me, silly man.
1068
01:11:30,578 --> 01:11:32,615
I mean, I was wondering.
1069
01:11:33,456 --> 01:11:35,993
Well, you know, what you
was thinking of doing after that.
1070
01:11:36,083 --> 01:11:38,916
I mean, will you stay on your own?
1071
01:11:39,545 --> 01:11:43,880
Or is there, well, someone else, sort of,
1072
01:11:45,760 --> 01:11:47,125
on the horizon?
1073
01:11:47,512 --> 01:11:50,800
I'm too old for that sort of
thing. I'm past my prime.
1074
01:11:50,890 --> 01:11:54,099
Not at all. Very attractive woman.
1075
01:11:54,811 --> 01:11:58,304
Well, I'm certainly not thinking
of getting hitched up again.
1076
01:11:59,941 --> 01:12:01,648
Sure? Sure.
1077
01:12:10,159 --> 01:12:13,868
Can we have your liver
then? I would be scared.
1078
01:12:13,996 --> 01:12:15,282
All right.
1079
01:12:16,833 --> 01:12:18,619
I'll tell you what.
1080
01:12:19,961 --> 01:12:21,292
Listen to this.
1081
01:12:21,963 --> 01:12:24,830
♪ [SINGING] Whenever life ♪
♪ gets you down, Mrs. Brown ♪
1082
01:12:25,091 --> 01:12:27,799
♪ And things seem hard ♪ ♪ or tough ♪
1083
01:12:28,469 --> 01:12:32,758
♪ And people are stupid, ♪
♪ obnoxious or daft ♪
1084
01:12:33,349 --> 01:12:35,807
♪ and you feel ♪ ♪ that you've had ♪
1085
01:12:36,269 --> 01:12:39,352
♪ quite enough. ♪
1086
01:12:42,483 --> 01:12:46,021
♪ Just remember ♪
♪ that you're standing ♪
1087
01:12:46,112 --> 01:12:48,353
♪ On a planet ♪ ♪ that's evolving ♪
1088
01:12:48,447 --> 01:12:51,565
♪ And revolving ♪
♪ at 900 miles an hour ♪
1089
01:12:52,326 --> 01:12:56,365
♪ It's orbiting at 19 miles ♪
♪ a second so it's reckoned ♪
1090
01:12:56,455 --> 01:12:59,993
♪ A sun that is the source ♪
♪ of all our power ♪
1091
01:13:00,376 --> 01:13:03,869
♪ The sun and you and me and ♪
♪ all the stars that we can see ♪
1092
01:13:04,338 --> 01:13:07,831
♪ Are moving ♪
♪ at a million miles a day ♪
1093
01:13:08,217 --> 01:13:12,211
♪ In an outer spiral arm ♪
♪ at 40,000 miles an hour ♪
1094
01:13:12,305 --> 01:13:15,013
♪ Of the galaxy ♪
♪ we call the Milky Way ♪
1095
01:13:24,150 --> 01:13:27,939
♪ Our galaxy itself contains ♪
♪ a hundred billion stars ♪
1096
01:13:28,029 --> 01:13:31,488
♪ It's a hundred thousand ♪
♪ light years side to side ♪
1097
01:13:32,158 --> 01:13:35,571
♪ It bulges in the middle ♪
♪ 16,000 light years thick ♪
1098
01:13:35,661 --> 01:13:39,370
♪ But out by us, it's just ♪
♪ 3,000 light years wide ♪
1099
01:13:39,999 --> 01:13:43,663
♪ We're 30,000 light years ♪
♪ from galactic central point ♪
1100
01:13:43,753 --> 01:13:47,246
♪ We go round ♪
♪ every 200 million years ♪
1101
01:13:47,798 --> 01:13:51,462
♪ And our galaxy is only ♪
♪ one of millions of billions ♪
1102
01:13:51,552 --> 01:13:54,840
♪ in this amazing ♪
♪ and expanding universe ♪
1103
01:14:27,880 --> 01:14:31,794
♪ The universe itself keeps ♪
♪ on expanding and expanding ♪
1104
01:14:31,884 --> 01:14:35,218
♪ In all of the directions
♪ ♪ it can whizz ♪
1105
01:14:35,763 --> 01:14:39,552
♪ As fast as it can go ♪
♪ The speed of light, you know ♪
1106
01:14:39,642 --> 01:14:43,135
♪ Twelve million miles a minute ♪
♪ and that's the fastest speed there is ♪
1107
01:14:43,229 --> 01:14:47,268
♪ So remember when you're ♪
♪ feeling very small and insecure ♪
1108
01:14:47,692 --> 01:14:51,276
♪ How amazingly unlikely ♪
♪ is your birth ♪
1109
01:14:51,612 --> 01:14:55,150
♪ And pray that there's intelligent ♪
♪ life somewhere up in space ♪
1110
01:14:55,241 --> 01:14:58,108
♪ 'Cause there's bugger all ♪
♪ down here on Earth ♪
1111
01:15:01,122 --> 01:15:02,328
[SIGHS]
1112
01:15:03,749 --> 01:15:06,537
Makes you feel so, sort
of insignificant, doesn't it?
1113
01:15:06,627 --> 01:15:08,243
Yeah. Yeah.
1114
01:15:10,798 --> 01:15:12,584
Can we have your liver, then?
1115
01:15:13,592 --> 01:15:14,945
Yeah, all right. You talked me into it.
1116
01:15:14,969 --> 01:15:16,004
Eric!
1117
01:15:24,979 --> 01:15:28,222
Which brings us, once again,
to the urgent realization
1118
01:15:28,315 --> 01:15:31,649
of just how much
there is still left to own.
1119
01:15:32,570 --> 01:15:37,485
Item six on the agenda,
the Meaning of Life.
1120
01:15:39,618 --> 01:15:42,360
Now, Harry, you've had
some thoughts on this.
1121
01:15:42,455 --> 01:15:45,538
I've had a team working on
this over the past few weeks,
1122
01:15:45,624 --> 01:15:50,164
and what we've come up with can be
reduced to two fundamental concepts.
1123
01:15:51,005 --> 01:15:53,713
One. People are not
wearing enough hats.
1124
01:15:54,467 --> 01:15:57,004
Two. Matter is energy.
1125
01:15:57,428 --> 01:16:02,264
In the universe, there are many energy
fields which we cannot normally perceive.
1126
01:16:02,683 --> 01:16:07,302
Some energies have a spiritual
source, which act upon a person's soul.
1127
01:16:08,022 --> 01:16:11,640
However, this soul
does not exist ab initio,
1128
01:16:11,734 --> 01:16:14,396
as orthodox Christianity teaches.
1129
01:16:14,862 --> 01:16:16,773
It has to be brought into existence,
1130
01:16:16,864 --> 01:16:19,982
by a process of guided self-observation.
1131
01:16:21,160 --> 01:16:24,573
However, this is rarely achieved,
owing to man's unique ability
1132
01:16:24,663 --> 01:16:28,907
to be distracted from spiritual
matters by everyday trivia.
1133
01:16:33,089 --> 01:16:35,376
What was that about hats again?
1134
01:16:36,759 --> 01:16:38,966
Oh, people aren't wearing enough.
1135
01:16:39,053 --> 01:16:40,464
Is this true?
1136
01:16:40,554 --> 01:16:42,591
Certainly. Hat sales have increased,
1137
01:16:42,681 --> 01:16:44,201
but not pari passu, as our research...
1138
01:16:44,266 --> 01:16:46,803
When you say enough,
enough for what purpose?
1139
01:16:46,894 --> 01:16:49,352
Can I just ask, with
reference to your second point,
1140
01:16:49,814 --> 01:16:53,978
when you say souls don't develop
because people become distracted...
1141
01:16:56,529 --> 01:16:58,896
Has anyone noticed
that building there before?
1142
01:17:01,242 --> 01:17:03,950
Good Lord! What?
1143
01:17:19,135 --> 01:17:20,671
[MAN SCREAMING]
1144
01:17:24,140 --> 01:17:25,756
Good Lord!
1145
01:17:26,142 --> 01:17:29,351
The Crimson Permanent Assurance!
1146
01:17:31,981 --> 01:17:34,973
[ANNOUNCER] We interrupt this film
to apologize for this unwarranted attack
1147
01:17:35,067 --> 01:17:36,432
by the supporting feature.
1148
01:17:36,694 --> 01:17:39,026
Luckily, we have been prepared
for this eventuality
1149
01:17:39,113 --> 01:17:41,024
and are now taking steps to remedy it.
1150
01:17:43,117 --> 01:17:44,278
Thank you.
1151
01:17:44,368 --> 01:17:48,953
[NARRATOR] The Meaning of
Life, part six. The autumn years.
1152
01:17:50,583 --> 01:17:51,810
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
1153
01:17:51,834 --> 01:17:54,292
Here's a little number I tossed
off recently in the Caribbean.
1154
01:17:55,004 --> 01:17:57,541
♪ [SINGING] Isn't it awfully ♪
♪ nice to have a penis ♪
1155
01:17:58,090 --> 01:18:00,582
♪ Isn't it frightfully good ♪
♪ to have a dong ♪
1156
01:18:01,135 --> 01:18:04,002
♪ It's swell to have a stiffy ♪
♪ It's divine to own a dick ♪
1157
01:18:04,096 --> 01:18:07,339
♪ From the tiniest little tadger ♪
♪ to the world's biggest prick ♪
1158
01:18:07,808 --> 01:18:10,800
♪ So three cheers for your Willy ♪
♪ or John Thomas ♪
1159
01:18:11,395 --> 01:18:14,012
♪ Hooray for your ♪
♪ one-eyed trouser snake ♪
1160
01:18:14,440 --> 01:18:18,104
♪ Your piece of pork, your wife's ♪
♪ best friend, your Percy or your cock ♪
1161
01:18:18,235 --> 01:18:21,478
♪ You can wrap it up in ribbons ♪
♪ You can slip it in your sock ♪
1162
01:18:21,780 --> 01:18:24,818
♪ But don't take it out in public ♪
♪ or they will stick you in the dock ♪
1163
01:18:24,909 --> 01:18:27,241
♪ And you won't come back ♪
1164
01:18:27,328 --> 01:18:28,659
Thank you very much.
1165
01:18:30,831 --> 01:18:33,118
Oh, what a frightfully witty song.
1166
01:18:33,209 --> 01:18:34,870
Terribly clever.
1167
01:18:37,796 --> 01:18:39,958
Jolly good. Marvellous.
1168
01:18:47,514 --> 01:18:49,801
Oh, shit! It's Mr. Creosote!
1169
01:19:08,661 --> 01:19:11,528
Good afternoon, sir,
and how are we today?
1170
01:19:11,664 --> 01:19:12,825
Better. Better?
1171
01:19:12,915 --> 01:19:15,452
Better get a bucket. I'm gonna throw up.
1172
01:19:15,626 --> 01:19:17,958
Gaston? A bucket for Monsieur.
1173
01:19:22,549 --> 01:19:24,506
There we are, Monsieur.
1174
01:19:39,608 --> 01:19:41,815
Merci, Gaston. I haven't finished.
1175
01:19:41,902 --> 01:19:43,392
Oh, pardon! Gaston?
1176
01:19:43,654 --> 01:19:45,270
A thousand pardons, Monsieur.
1177
01:19:45,364 --> 01:19:50,154
Now, this afternoon, we have
Monsieur's favourite, the jugged hare.
1178
01:19:50,411 --> 01:19:54,905
The hare is very high
and the sauce is very rich,
1179
01:19:55,207 --> 01:19:59,997
with truffles, anchovies, Grand
Marnier, bacon and cream.
1180
01:20:00,087 --> 01:20:02,624
Thank you, Gaston. There's still more.
1181
01:20:03,507 --> 01:20:05,418
Allow me.
1182
01:20:06,427 --> 01:20:08,168
A new bucket for Monsieur.
1183
01:20:12,391 --> 01:20:13,677
And the cleaning woman.
1184
01:20:16,979 --> 01:20:19,812
Et maintenant, would
Monsieur care for an aperitif,
1185
01:20:19,898 --> 01:20:22,390
or would he prefer
to order straight away?
1186
01:20:23,569 --> 01:20:27,437
Today, we have for
appetizers, excuse me,
1187
01:20:29,575 --> 01:20:33,034
moules mariniéres, paté
de foie gras, beluga caviar,
1188
01:20:33,203 --> 01:20:36,696
eggs Benedictine, tarte
de poireaux, that's leek tart,
1189
01:20:36,790 --> 01:20:40,704
frogs' legs amandine or oeufs
de caille Richard Shepherd.
1190
01:20:40,794 --> 01:20:44,913
C'est a dire, little quails' eggs
on a bed of puréed mushrooms.
1191
01:20:45,007 --> 01:20:46,964
It's very delicate, very succulent.
1192
01:20:47,259 --> 01:20:48,966
I'll have the lot.
1193
01:20:49,928 --> 01:20:53,922
A wise choice, Monsieur. And
now, how would you like it served?
1194
01:20:54,016 --> 01:20:56,428
All mixed up together in a bucket?
1195
01:20:56,518 --> 01:20:58,429
Yeah. With the eggs on top.
1196
01:20:58,520 --> 01:21:00,727
But of course. Avec des oeufs frites.
1197
01:21:00,814 --> 01:21:02,179
Don't skimp on the pété.
1198
01:21:02,274 --> 01:21:03,560
Oh, Monsieur, I assure you,
1199
01:21:03,650 --> 01:21:06,017
just because it is mixed up
with all the other things,
1200
01:21:06,111 --> 01:21:08,431
we would not dream of giving
you less than the full amount.
1201
01:21:08,489 --> 01:21:12,357
In fact, I will personally make
sure you have a double helping.
1202
01:21:12,910 --> 01:21:14,492
[SPEAKING FRENCH]
1203
01:21:14,578 --> 01:21:15,989
Something to drink, Monsieur?
1204
01:21:16,080 --> 01:21:19,368
Yeah, I'll have six bottles
of Chateau Latour '45,
1205
01:21:19,500 --> 01:21:22,583
and a double Jeroboam
of champagne. '45.
1206
01:21:22,669 --> 01:21:25,127
Bon, and the usual brown ales?
1207
01:21:25,214 --> 01:21:28,798
Yeah. No, wait a minute. I think I
could only manage six crates today.
1208
01:21:28,884 --> 01:21:29,919
Tsk, tsk, tsk.
1209
01:21:30,010 --> 01:21:33,128
I hope Monsieur was
not overdoing it last night.
1210
01:21:33,931 --> 01:21:35,888
Shut up! D'accord.
1211
01:21:35,974 --> 01:21:39,217
The new bucket
and the cleaning woman.
1212
01:21:46,235 --> 01:21:48,146
Is there something wrong with the food?
1213
01:21:48,237 --> 01:21:49,978
No, the food was excellent.
1214
01:21:50,072 --> 01:21:52,109
Perhaps you're not happy
with the service?
1215
01:21:52,199 --> 01:21:53,564
[STAMMERING] No, no complaints.
1216
01:21:53,659 --> 01:21:57,197
It's just that we have to go.
I'm having rather a heavy period.
1217
01:21:58,372 --> 01:22:00,659
And we have a train to catch.
1218
01:22:01,542 --> 01:22:04,830
Oh! Yes, of course.
We have a train to catch
1219
01:22:04,920 --> 01:22:07,787
and I don't want to start
bleeding all over the seats.
1220
01:22:08,715 --> 01:22:11,548
Madam? Perhaps we should be going?
1221
01:22:13,011 --> 01:22:16,049
Very well, Monsieur. Thank you so much.
1222
01:22:16,557 --> 01:22:18,298
So nice to see you,
1223
01:22:18,392 --> 01:22:20,633
and I hope very much we
will see you again very soon.
1224
01:22:20,727 --> 01:22:21,727
[SPEAKING FRENCH]
1225
01:22:21,812 --> 01:22:23,143
[BUCKET CLANGING]
1226
01:22:23,230 --> 01:22:26,518
Oh, dear. I have trodden
in Monsieur's bucket.
1227
01:22:30,529 --> 01:22:32,611
Another bucket for Monsieur,
1228
01:22:34,741 --> 01:22:37,153
and perhaps a hose.
1229
01:22:40,372 --> 01:22:42,909
Oh, Max. Really!
1230
01:22:44,376 --> 01:22:45,707
[RETCHING]
1231
01:22:50,757 --> 01:22:51,997
[PANTING]
1232
01:22:58,765 --> 01:23:01,598
Finally, Monsieur, a wafer-thin mint.
1233
01:23:01,685 --> 01:23:02,685
[EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST]
1234
01:23:02,769 --> 01:23:05,727
Oh, sir, it's only a tiny, little thin one.
1235
01:23:06,106 --> 01:23:08,768
No, fuck off. I'm full. Oh, sir.
1236
01:23:11,445 --> 01:23:13,311
It's only wafer-thin.
1237
01:23:13,572 --> 01:23:18,487
Look, I couldn't eat another
thing. I'm absolutely stuffed.
1238
01:23:18,577 --> 01:23:22,662
Bugger off. Oh, sir, just, just one.
1239
01:23:25,792 --> 01:23:29,456
All right, just one.
Just the one, Monsieur.
1240
01:23:31,256 --> 01:23:33,122
Voila.
1241
01:23:37,137 --> 01:23:39,003
Bon appetit.
1242
01:24:02,454 --> 01:24:03,819
[EXPLODING]
1243
01:24:04,498 --> 01:24:06,614
[PEOPLE EXCLAIMING]
1244
01:24:16,426 --> 01:24:17,916
[PEOPLE COUGHING]
1245
01:24:18,011 --> 01:24:19,501
[MAN RETCHING]
1246
01:24:20,514 --> 01:24:23,677
Thank you, Monsieur,
and now, here's your check.
1247
01:24:23,892 --> 01:24:25,508
[PEOPLE GAGGING]
1248
01:24:37,739 --> 01:24:42,529
[NARRATOR] The Meaning of
Life, part 6B. The meaning of life.
1249
01:24:57,259 --> 01:25:00,468
You know, Maria, I sometimes wonder
1250
01:25:00,554 --> 01:25:04,388
if we'll ever discover
the meaning of it all,
1251
01:25:04,766 --> 01:25:06,973
working in a place like this.
1252
01:25:07,436 --> 01:25:11,430
Well, I've worked in worse
places, philosophically speaking.
1253
01:25:11,523 --> 01:25:13,480
Really, Maria? Yes.
1254
01:25:14,693 --> 01:25:17,776
I used to work
in the Academie Frangaise,
1255
01:25:17,863 --> 01:25:20,275
but it didn't do me any good at all.
1256
01:25:20,365 --> 01:25:25,280
I once worked in the library
in the Prado in Madrid,
1257
01:25:25,621 --> 01:25:28,579
but it didn't teach me nothing, I recall,
1258
01:25:29,374 --> 01:25:34,084
and the Library of Congress you'd
have thought would hold some key,
1259
01:25:34,421 --> 01:25:38,289
but it didn't, and neither
did the Bodleian Library.
1260
01:25:39,092 --> 01:25:43,086
In the British Museum,
I hoped to find some clue.
1261
01:25:43,639 --> 01:25:48,349
I worked there from 9:00 till
6:00, read every volume through,
1262
01:25:48,935 --> 01:25:53,054
but it didn't teach me
nothing about life's mystery.
1263
01:25:53,398 --> 01:25:57,733
I just kept getting older,
and it got more difficult to see.
1264
01:25:58,236 --> 01:26:02,525
Till eventually, me eyes
went and me arthritis got bad.
1265
01:26:03,116 --> 01:26:05,949
So now, I'm cleaning up in here.
1266
01:26:07,329 --> 01:26:09,821
But I can't% be really sad,
1267
01:26:09,915 --> 01:26:13,579
'cause you see, I feel that life's a game.
1268
01:26:13,669 --> 01:26:16,752
You sometimes win or lose,
1269
01:26:16,838 --> 01:26:19,375
and though I may be down right now,
1270
01:26:19,758 --> 01:26:22,375
at least I don't work for Jews.
1271
01:26:27,182 --> 01:26:29,139
I'm so sorry.
1272
01:26:29,309 --> 01:26:33,052
I had no idea we had
a racist working here.
1273
01:26:33,146 --> 01:26:36,229
[STAMMERING]
I apologize most sincerely.
1274
01:26:36,483 --> 01:26:37,814
I mean...
1275
01:26:38,860 --> 01:26:41,067
Where are you going?
No, I can explain...
1276
01:26:46,660 --> 01:26:48,276
As for me
1277
01:26:48,870 --> 01:26:52,534
if you want to know what I
think, I'll show you something.
1278
01:26:54,835 --> 01:26:57,998
Come with me.
[WAITER] I was saying that...
1279
01:26:59,214 --> 01:27:00,545
Hello? Come on.
1280
01:27:02,092 --> 01:27:03,253
[WAITER] Hello?
1281
01:27:05,303 --> 01:27:07,670
Hello! This way.
1282
01:27:12,978 --> 01:27:14,844
Come on. Don't be shy.
1283
01:27:15,856 --> 01:27:17,813
Mind the stairs, all right?
1284
01:27:22,362 --> 01:27:24,524
I think this will help explain.
1285
01:27:32,038 --> 01:27:33,949
Come along. Come along.
1286
01:27:37,085 --> 01:27:38,996
Over here.
1287
01:27:49,556 --> 01:27:51,092
Come on. Come on.
1288
01:27:53,059 --> 01:27:54,720
[TIRES SCREECHING]
1289
01:27:54,895 --> 01:27:55,976
[HORNS BLARING]
1290
01:27:56,062 --> 01:27:57,348
This way.
1291
01:28:01,276 --> 01:28:02,516
Come on.
1292
01:28:06,531 --> 01:28:07,771
This way.
1293
01:28:09,951 --> 01:28:11,407
Stay by me.
1294
01:28:14,748 --> 01:28:16,364
Nearly there now.
1295
01:28:17,250 --> 01:28:18,740
[CROWS CAWING]
1296
01:28:26,343 --> 01:28:27,799
You see that?
1297
01:28:30,472 --> 01:28:32,429
That's where I was born.
1298
01:28:34,476 --> 01:28:38,470
You know, one day, my mother,
1299
01:28:38,563 --> 01:28:41,100
she put me on her knee
and she said to me,
1300
01:28:42,442 --> 01:28:44,683
Gaston, my son,
1301
01:28:44,778 --> 01:28:47,770
the world is a beautiful place.
1302
01:28:49,115 --> 01:28:52,449
You must go into it and love everyone.
1303
01:28:54,454 --> 01:28:59,995
Try to make everyone happy
and bring peace and contentment,
1304
01:29:00,085 --> 01:29:01,792
everywhere you go.
1305
01:29:03,630 --> 01:29:05,587
So I became a waiter.
1306
01:29:14,474 --> 01:29:18,138
Well, it's not much
of a philosophy, I know.
1307
01:29:20,063 --> 01:29:22,930
Well, fuck you.
1308
01:29:23,149 --> 01:29:25,732
I can live my own life
in my own way if I want to.
1309
01:29:27,320 --> 01:29:28,401
Fuck off.
1310
01:29:30,740 --> 01:29:32,572
Don't come following me.
1311
01:29:40,292 --> 01:29:44,331
[NARRATOR] The Meaning
of Life, part seven. Death.
1312
01:29:47,299 --> 01:29:48,915
[SEAGULLS CAWING]
1313
01:30:09,696 --> 01:30:11,858
[NARRATOR] This man is about to die.
1314
01:30:12,032 --> 01:30:14,945
In a few moments now, he will be killed,
1315
01:30:15,035 --> 01:30:17,618
for Arthur Jarrett is a convicted criminal,
1316
01:30:17,704 --> 01:30:21,618
who has been allowed to choose
the manner of his own execution.
1317
01:30:25,629 --> 01:30:27,540
There he is.
1318
01:30:28,048 --> 01:30:29,584
[WOMEN PANTING]
1319
01:30:41,895 --> 01:30:46,480
Arthur Charles Herbert
Runcie MacAdam Jarrett,
1320
01:30:47,567 --> 01:30:51,151
you have been convicted
by 12 good persons, and true,
1321
01:30:51,446 --> 01:30:56,282
of the crime of first degree
making of gratuitous sexist jokes,
1322
01:30:56,576 --> 01:30:58,408
in a moving picture.
1323
01:31:22,769 --> 01:31:24,476
[ARTHUR SCREAMING]
1324
01:31:35,782 --> 01:31:38,945
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.
1325
01:31:40,120 --> 01:31:41,827
[LEAF SOBBING]
1326
01:31:43,039 --> 01:31:44,529
[LEAF] [SOBBING] It's no good.
1327
01:31:44,624 --> 01:31:48,288
[STAMMERING] I just can't
go on. I'm no good any more.
1328
01:31:49,462 --> 01:31:51,874
I want to end it all!
1329
01:31:52,632 --> 01:31:54,964
[WIND BLOWING] Goodbye! Goodbye!
1330
01:31:55,051 --> 01:31:56,382
[SCREAMING]
1331
01:32:02,475 --> 01:32:04,967
[FEMALE LEAF] Oh, my God!
1332
01:32:05,812 --> 01:32:07,803
[SOBBING] Oh, no! I...
1333
01:32:08,565 --> 01:32:12,854
What will I do? I can't
live without him! I...
1334
01:32:14,070 --> 01:32:15,401
[SCREAMING]
1335
01:32:17,949 --> 01:32:20,031
[BOY LEAF] Mummy! [GIRL]
[LEAF] Mum, where are you?
1336
01:32:20,201 --> 01:32:22,943
[GIRL LEAF GASPING]
Daddy? Mummy?
1337
01:32:23,038 --> 01:32:24,995
[GIRL LEAF] Mummy?
1338
01:32:25,206 --> 01:32:26,822
[BOTH SCREAMING]
1339
01:32:31,921 --> 01:32:33,662
[ALL SCREAMING]
1340
01:32:34,466 --> 01:32:35,877
[DOG BARKING]
1341
01:32:41,139 --> 01:32:43,927
[BELL TOLLING]
1342
01:32:48,563 --> 01:32:50,099
[WIND HOWLING]
1343
01:33:31,147 --> 01:33:32,182
Yes?
1344
01:33:34,192 --> 01:33:35,728
Is it about the hedge?
1345
01:33:38,571 --> 01:33:42,485
Well, I'm awfully sorry,
but. I am the Grim Reaper.
1346
01:33:42,575 --> 01:33:45,158
Who? The Grim Reaper.
1347
01:33:45,245 --> 01:33:48,613
Yes, I see. I am Death.
1348
01:33:49,833 --> 01:33:50,833
Yes, well, the thing is,
1349
01:33:50,917 --> 01:33:53,062
we've got some people from
America for dinner tonight...
1350
01:33:53,086 --> 01:33:55,453
[WOMAN] Who is it, darling?
It's a Mr. Death or something.
1351
01:33:55,547 --> 01:33:58,835
He's come about the reaping? I
don't think we need any at the moment.
1352
01:33:58,925 --> 01:34:02,418
Hello. Don't leave him hanging
around outside, darling. Ask him in.
1353
01:34:02,512 --> 01:34:03,823
I don't think it's quite the moment.
1354
01:34:03,847 --> 01:34:05,008
Do come in. Come along.
1355
01:34:05,098 --> 01:34:07,510
Come and have a drink. Do. Come on.
1356
01:34:08,226 --> 01:34:09,591
[CHATTERING]
1357
01:34:11,271 --> 01:34:13,854
It's one of the little
men from the village.
1358
01:34:14,190 --> 01:34:16,227
Do come in. Please.
1359
01:34:17,193 --> 01:34:19,901
This is Howard Katzenberg
from Philadelphia.
1360
01:34:19,988 --> 01:34:21,979
Hi. And his wife, Debbie.
1361
01:34:22,073 --> 01:34:23,359
Hello, there.
1362
01:34:23,658 --> 01:34:26,901
And these are the Portland
Smythes, Jeremy and Fiona.
1363
01:34:27,036 --> 01:34:29,903
Good evening. This is Mr. Death.
1364
01:34:37,213 --> 01:34:40,046
Do get Mr. Death a
drink, darling. [MAN] Yes.
1365
01:34:41,050 --> 01:34:43,257
Mr. Death is a reaper.
1366
01:34:43,469 --> 01:34:46,632
The Grim Reaper.
1367
01:34:46,973 --> 01:34:49,260
Hardly surprising in this weather.
1368
01:34:51,811 --> 01:34:54,348
So you still reap around
here, do you, Mr. Death?
1369
01:34:54,439 --> 01:34:58,979
I am the Grim Reaper.
1370
01:34:59,736 --> 01:35:01,318
That's about all he says.
1371
01:35:01,487 --> 01:35:03,979
There's your drink, Mr. Death.
Do sit down.
1372
01:35:04,199 --> 01:35:07,408
We were just talking about some of
the awful problems facing the Third...
1373
01:35:07,493 --> 01:35:09,154
[GLASS SHATTERING]
1374
01:35:12,165 --> 01:35:16,204
Would you prefer white? I'm
afraid we don't have any beer.
1375
01:35:16,294 --> 01:35:17,784
The Stilton's awfully good.
1376
01:35:18,671 --> 01:35:24,633
I am not of this world.
1377
01:35:27,055 --> 01:35:28,591
Good Lord.
1378
01:35:28,806 --> 01:35:31,673
I am Death.
1379
01:35:36,105 --> 01:35:37,291
Well, isn't that extraordinary?
1380
01:35:37,315 --> 01:35:39,682
We were just talking about
death only five minutes ago.
1381
01:35:39,776 --> 01:35:43,519
Yes, we were. You know,
whether death is really the end...
1382
01:35:43,655 --> 01:35:46,818
As my husband Howard here
feels, or whether there is,
1383
01:35:46,908 --> 01:35:50,117
and one so hates to use words
like soul or spirit...
1384
01:35:50,245 --> 01:35:52,156
What other words can one use? Exactly.
1385
01:35:52,247 --> 01:35:55,865
You do not understand.
1386
01:35:57,418 --> 01:35:59,750
No. Obviously not.
1387
01:36:00,004 --> 01:36:03,087
I'll tell you something,
Mr. Death. You don't...
1388
01:36:03,174 --> 01:36:05,569
Just one moment. I'd like to
express on behalf of everybody here,
1389
01:36:05,593 --> 01:36:07,755
what a really unique experience this is.
1390
01:36:07,845 --> 01:36:09,631
[JEREMY] Hear, hear.
Yes, we're so delighted
1391
01:36:09,722 --> 01:36:11,258
that you dropped in, Mr. Death.
1392
01:36:11,349 --> 01:36:14,011
Can I just finish, please?
[DEBBIE] Mr. Death.
1393
01:36:14,894 --> 01:36:16,885
Is there an afterlife?
1394
01:36:17,605 --> 01:36:19,312
Dear, if you could just wait, please...
1395
01:36:19,399 --> 01:36:21,168
Are you sure you wouldn't
like some sherry or
1396
01:36:21,192 --> 01:36:23,229
Angela, I'd like to say this, please.
1397
01:36:23,319 --> 01:36:24,434
Be quiet!
1398
01:36:24,529 --> 01:36:26,048
Can I just say this at this time, please?
1399
01:36:26,072 --> 01:36:30,532
Silence! I have come for you.
1400
01:36:32,912 --> 01:36:34,528
You mean to...
1401
01:36:34,622 --> 01:36:37,865
Take you away.
1402
01:36:39,085 --> 01:36:42,123
That is my purpose.
1403
01:36:44,007 --> 01:36:47,216
I am Death.
1404
01:36:49,762 --> 01:36:52,595
Well, that's cast rather a
gloom over the evening, hasn't it?
1405
01:36:52,890 --> 01:36:54,221
I don't see it that way, Geoff.
1406
01:36:54,434 --> 01:36:56,245
Let me tell you what I think
we're dealing with here,
1407
01:36:56,269 --> 01:36:59,102
a potentially positive
learning experience that can...
1408
01:36:59,188 --> 01:37:02,101
Shut up! Shut up, you American.
1409
01:37:02,191 --> 01:37:05,183
You always talk, you Americans.
1410
01:37:05,361 --> 01:37:08,399
You talk and you talk and you say,
1411
01:37:08,489 --> 01:37:13,404
Let me tell you something
and I just wanna say this.
1412
01:37:13,494 --> 01:37:17,158
Well, you're dead now, so shut up!
1413
01:37:17,373 --> 01:37:19,910
Dead? Dead.
1414
01:37:21,961 --> 01:37:25,249
All of us? All of you.
1415
01:37:27,508 --> 01:37:28,589
Now look here.
1416
01:37:28,676 --> 01:37:31,293
You barge in here quite
uninvited, break glasses,
1417
01:37:31,387 --> 01:37:33,845
and then announce quite
casually that we're all dead.
1418
01:37:33,931 --> 01:37:37,469
Well, I would remind you that
you're a guest in this house...
1419
01:37:37,560 --> 01:37:42,930
Be quiet! Englishmen!
You're all so fucking pompous!
1420
01:37:43,399 --> 01:37:46,312
None of you have got any balls.
1421
01:37:47,403 --> 01:37:50,145
Can I ask you a question? What?
1422
01:37:50,948 --> 01:37:53,815
How can we all have died
at the same time?
1423
01:38:06,631 --> 01:38:09,043
The salmon mousse.
1424
01:38:10,343 --> 01:38:13,381
Darling, you didn't use
canned salmon, did you?
1425
01:38:13,679 --> 01:38:16,842
I'm most dreadfully embarrassed.
1426
01:38:17,433 --> 01:38:20,846
Now the time has come.
1427
01:38:22,271 --> 01:38:26,765
Follow. Follow me.
1428
01:38:41,040 --> 01:38:43,702
Just testing. Sorry.
1429
01:38:45,378 --> 01:38:48,746
Follow me. Now.
1430
01:38:55,555 --> 01:38:56,886
Come.
1431
01:39:00,643 --> 01:39:03,431
The fishmonger promised me
he'd have some fresh salmon.
1432
01:39:03,521 --> 01:39:05,637
He's normally so reliable.
1433
01:39:05,731 --> 01:39:08,519
Can we take our glasses? Good idea.
1434
01:39:08,651 --> 01:39:10,562
[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]
1435
01:39:12,071 --> 01:39:14,654
Hey, I didn't even eat the mousse.
1436
01:39:20,037 --> 01:39:22,495
[ANGELA] Honestly, darling,
I'm so embarrassed.
1437
01:39:22,582 --> 01:39:26,075
It really is embarrassing. I mean,
to serve salmon with botulism
1438
01:39:26,169 --> 01:39:28,080
at a dinner party is social death.
1439
01:39:28,504 --> 01:39:30,120
[ALL CHATTERING]
1440
01:39:30,590 --> 01:39:33,252
Shall we take our cars? Why not?
1441
01:39:33,342 --> 01:39:36,175
Good idea. Why not?
1442
01:39:37,096 --> 01:39:38,757
[ENGINE STARTING]
1443
01:40:11,631 --> 01:40:15,124
Behold Paradise.
1444
01:40:17,261 --> 01:40:21,129
I love it here, darling. Me, too, Marvin.
1445
01:40:21,516 --> 01:40:24,053
Hello. Welcome to heaven.
1446
01:40:24,602 --> 01:40:26,138
[ELEVATOR MUSIC PLAYING]
1447
01:40:33,611 --> 01:40:35,818
Excuse me. Could you
just sign here, please, sir?
1448
01:40:37,240 --> 01:40:38,240
Thank you.
1449
01:40:38,324 --> 01:40:40,344
There's a table for you
through there, in the restaurant.
1450
01:40:40,368 --> 01:40:41,368
Thank you.
1451
01:40:41,494 --> 01:40:44,953
For the ladies. Afterlife mints.
1452
01:40:45,039 --> 01:40:46,825
Thank you. Happy Christmas.
1453
01:40:47,083 --> 01:40:48,602
[TELEPHONE RINGING]
Oh, is it Christmas today?
1454
01:40:48,626 --> 01:40:49,912
Of course, madam.
1455
01:40:50,002 --> 01:40:51,959
It's Christmas every day in heaven.
1456
01:40:52,046 --> 01:40:54,834
Oh! HOW 'bout that? Lovely.
1457
01:41:01,764 --> 01:41:03,380
[PEOPLE GREETING]
1458
01:41:13,693 --> 01:41:15,058
[DRUM BEAT]
1459
01:41:15,152 --> 01:41:16,152
[ALL MURMURING]
1460
01:41:16,237 --> 01:41:17,898
[PEOPLE SHUSHING]
1461
01:41:40,052 --> 01:41:41,963
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
1462
01:41:42,054 --> 01:41:46,469
It's truly a real honourable
experience to be here this evening,
1463
01:41:46,559 --> 01:41:49,142
a very wonderful and warm
1464
01:41:49,228 --> 01:41:51,595
and emotional moment for all of us.
1465
01:41:52,315 --> 01:41:54,352
And I'd like to sing a song,
1466
01:41:54,442 --> 01:41:57,355
for all of you.
1467
01:42:01,741 --> 01:42:08,238
♪ [SINGING] It's Christmas in ♪
♪ heaven All the children sing ♪
1468
01:42:09,165 --> 01:42:12,032
♪ It's Christmas in heaven ♪
1469
01:42:12,335 --> 01:42:16,329
♪ Hark, hark, ♪
♪ those church bells ring ♪
1470
01:42:16,422 --> 01:42:19,585
♪ It's Christmas in heaven ♪
1471
01:42:19,884 --> 01:42:23,343
♪ The snow falls from the sky ♪
1472
01:42:23,429 --> 01:42:26,922
♪ But it's nice and warm ♪
♪ and everyone ♪
1473
01:42:27,016 --> 01:42:30,350
♪ Looks smart and wears a tie ♪
1474
01:42:36,275 --> 01:42:39,688
♪ It's Christmas in heaven ♪
1475
01:42:39,779 --> 01:42:42,862
♪ There's great films on TV ♪
1476
01:42:43,449 --> 01:42:46,987
♪ The Sound of Music ♪
♪ twice an hour ♪
1477
01:42:47,078 --> 01:42:50,321
♪ And Jaws 12 and 3 ♪
1478
01:42:50,790 --> 01:42:54,454
♪ There's gifts ♪ ♪ for all the family ♪
1479
01:42:54,543 --> 01:42:58,127
♪ There's toiletries ♪ ♪ and trains ♪
1480
01:42:58,214 --> 01:43:01,752
♪ [THREE KINGS SINGING] There's ♪
♪ Sony Walkman headphone sets ♪
1481
01:43:01,842 --> 01:43:05,051
♪ And the latest video games ♪
1482
01:43:05,388 --> 01:43:08,346
♪ It's Christmas ♪
♪ It's Christmas in heaven ♪
1483
01:43:09,767 --> 01:43:12,134
♪ Hip, hip, hip, hip ♪ ♪ hip hooray ♪
1484
01:43:12,311 --> 01:43:15,269
♪ Every single day ♪
1485
01:43:15,815 --> 01:43:18,307
♪ Is Christmas Day ♪
1486
01:43:20,069 --> 01:43:22,811
♪ It's Christmas ♪
♪ It's Christmas in heaven ♪
1487
01:43:24,240 --> 01:43:26,823
♪ Hip, hip, hip, hip ♪ ♪ hip hooray ♪
1488
01:43:26,909 --> 01:43:31,745
♪ Every single day is... ♪
1489
01:43:34,542 --> 01:43:35,644
Well, that's the end of the film.
1490
01:43:35,668 --> 01:43:37,033
Now here's the meaning of life.
1491
01:43:39,505 --> 01:43:40,666
Thank you, Brigitte.
1492
01:43:42,842 --> 01:43:44,503
[CLEARING THROAT]
1493
01:43:45,970 --> 01:43:47,250
Well, it's nothing very special.
1494
01:43:47,430 --> 01:43:49,262
Try and be nice to people.
Avoid eating fat.
1495
01:43:49,348 --> 01:43:51,715
Read a good book every now
and then. Get some walking in,
1496
01:43:51,809 --> 01:43:53,495
and try and live together
in peace and harmony
1497
01:43:53,519 --> 01:43:55,180
with people of all creeds and nations.
1498
01:43:55,855 --> 01:43:58,768
And finally, here are some completely
gratuitous pictures of penises,
1499
01:43:58,858 --> 01:44:01,600
to annoy the censors and to hopefully
spark some sort of controversy,
1500
01:44:01,694 --> 01:44:05,232
which is the only way these days
to get the jaded video-sated public
1501
01:44:05,322 --> 01:44:07,814
off their fucking arses and
back in the sodding cinema.
1502
01:44:07,908 --> 01:44:10,866
Family entertainment?
Bollocks. What they want is filth.
1503
01:44:11,078 --> 01:44:12,264
People doing things to each other
1504
01:44:12,288 --> 01:44:14,154
with chainsaws
during Tupperware parties,
1505
01:44:14,248 --> 01:44:17,616
baby-sitters being stabbed with knitting
needles by gay presidential candidates,
1506
01:44:17,710 --> 01:44:19,621
vigilante groups strangling chickens,
1507
01:44:19,712 --> 01:44:22,420
armed bands of theatre critics
exterminating mutant goats.
1508
01:44:22,506 --> 01:44:25,544
Where's the fun in pictures?
Oh, well, there we are.
1509
01:44:25,634 --> 01:44:27,921
Here's the theme music. Good night.
1510
01:44:41,317 --> 01:44:45,811
♪ [SINGING] Just remember that ♪
♪ you're standing on a planet ♪
1511
01:44:45,905 --> 01:44:50,069
♪ That's evolving and revolving ♪
♪ at 900 miles an hour ♪
1512
01:44:51,160 --> 01:44:55,119
♪ It's orbiting at 19 miles ♪
♪ a second, so it's reckoned ♪
1513
01:44:55,206 --> 01:44:58,244
♪ A sun that is the source ♪
♪ of all our power ♪
1514
01:44:59,126 --> 01:45:02,915
♪ The sun and you and me and ♪
♪ all the stars that we can see ♪
1515
01:45:03,047 --> 01:45:06,256
♪ Are moving ♪
♪ at a million miles a day ♪
1516
01:45:07,051 --> 01:45:11,010
♪ In an outer spiral arm ♪
♪ at 40,000 miles an hour ♪
1517
01:45:11,096 --> 01:45:13,929
♪ Of the galaxy ♪
♪ we call the Milky Way ♪
1518
01:45:22,983 --> 01:45:26,897
♪ Our galaxy itself contains ♪
♪ a hundred billion stars ♪
1519
01:45:26,987 --> 01:45:30,196
♪ It's a hundred thousand ♪
♪ light years side to side ♪
1520
01:45:30,991 --> 01:45:34,325
♪ It bulges in the middle ♪
♪ 16,000 light years thick ♪
1521
01:45:34,411 --> 01:45:38,029
♪ But out by us, it's just ♪
♪ 3,000 light years wide ♪
1522
01:45:38,916 --> 01:45:42,500
♪ We're 30,000 light years ♪
♪ from galactic central point ♪
1523
01:45:42,586 --> 01:45:45,578
♪ We go round every ♪
♪ 200 million years ♪
1524
01:45:46,674 --> 01:45:50,258
♪ And our galaxy is only ♪
♪ one of millions of billions ♪
1525
01:45:50,344 --> 01:45:53,553
♪ in this amazing ♪
♪ and expanding universe ♪
1526
01:46:26,046 --> 01:46:30,461
♪ The universe itself keeps on ♪
♪ expanding and expanding ♪
1527
01:46:30,551 --> 01:46:33,669
♪ In all of the directions
♪ ♪ it can whizz ♪
1528
01:46:34,555 --> 01:46:38,389
♪ As fast as it can go at the ♪
♪ speed of light, you know ♪
1529
01:46:38,517 --> 01:46:42,010
♪ Twelve million miles a minute ♪
♪ and that's the fastest speed there is ♪
1530
01:46:42,104 --> 01:46:46,268
♪ So remember when you're ♪
♪ feeling very small and insecure ♪
1531
01:46:46,358 --> 01:46:49,521
♪ How amazingly unlikely ♪
♪ is your birth ♪
1532
01:46:50,613 --> 01:46:53,856
♪ And pray that there's intelligent ♪
♪ life somewhere up in space ♪
1533
01:46:53,949 --> 01:46:56,816
♪ 'Cause there's bugger all ♪
♪ down here on Earth ♪
118380
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