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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,834 --> 00:00:03,203 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WOODY 2 00:00:03,203 --> 00:00:05,605 HARRELSON! 3 00:00:05,605 --> 00:00:22,722 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 4 00:00:22,722 --> 00:00:24,190 >>> THANK YOU. 5 00:00:24,190 --> 00:00:26,059 THANK YOU VERY, VERY MUCH. 6 00:00:26,059 --> 00:00:32,499 HELLO, YOU BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE. 7 00:00:32,499 --> 00:00:36,002 AND YOU UGLY PEOPLE TOO. 8 00:00:36,002 --> 00:00:36,269 NO. 9 00:00:36,269 --> 00:00:37,003 I JEST. 10 00:00:37,003 --> 00:00:39,672 THIS COUNTRY SEEMS SO DIVIDED, 11 00:00:39,672 --> 00:00:42,909 BEAUTIFUL, UGLY, BLACK, WHITE, 12 00:00:42,909 --> 00:00:45,111 BLUE, RED, I LOVE EVERYBODY. 13 00:00:45,111 --> 00:00:47,981 MAYBE BECAUSE I'M A RED NECK 14 00:00:47,981 --> 00:00:48,281 HIPPY. 15 00:00:48,281 --> 00:00:50,383 YOU KNOW, THE RED IN ME THINKS 16 00:00:50,383 --> 00:00:54,120 YOU SHOULDN'T BE ALLOWED TO OWN 17 00:00:54,120 --> 00:00:54,554 GUNS. 18 00:00:54,554 --> 00:00:58,057 THE BLUE IN ME THINKS, SQUIRT 19 00:00:58,057 --> 00:00:58,358 GUNS. 20 00:00:58,358 --> 00:00:59,092 SO I'M RED AND BLUE, WHICH MAKES 21 00:00:59,092 --> 00:01:00,627 PURPLE. 22 00:01:00,627 --> 00:01:03,863 I'M PURPLE. 23 00:01:03,863 --> 00:01:05,165 SO THIS IS MY FIFTH TIME DOING 24 00:01:05,165 --> 00:01:13,439 SNL. 25 00:01:13,439 --> 00:01:14,040 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 26 00:01:14,040 --> 00:01:14,774 WELL, AND YOU KNOW WHAT THAT 27 00:01:14,774 --> 00:01:20,513 MEANS. 28 00:01:20,513 --> 00:01:20,880 NO JACKET. 29 00:01:20,880 --> 00:01:24,284 OKAY. 30 00:01:24,284 --> 00:01:27,387 THE LAST TIME I DID SNL WAS 31 00:01:27,387 --> 00:01:29,789 AROUND THANKSGIVING 2019, THREE 32 00:01:29,789 --> 00:01:32,158 YEARS AGO. 33 00:01:32,158 --> 00:01:32,892 AND YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE WHAT 34 00:01:32,892 --> 00:01:34,160 HAPPENED AFTER THE SHOW. 35 00:01:34,160 --> 00:01:36,796 THE NEXT DAY -- IT WAS A SUNDAY, 36 00:01:36,796 --> 00:01:38,932 AS IT ALWAYS IS THE DAY AFTER I 37 00:01:38,932 --> 00:01:40,066 DO "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE." 38 00:01:40,066 --> 00:01:45,404 IT'S LIKE A PATTERN I NOTICED. 39 00:01:45,404 --> 00:01:47,240 ANYWAY, I WENT WALKING IN THE 40 00:01:47,240 --> 00:01:49,475 GREATEST PART OF THIS CITY, 41 00:01:49,475 --> 00:01:51,277 CENTRAL PARK, LEANED AGAINST A 42 00:01:51,277 --> 00:01:53,613 TREE, AND STARTED TO READ THE 43 00:01:53,613 --> 00:01:54,747 CRAZIEST SCRIPT. 44 00:01:54,747 --> 00:01:55,081 OKAY. 45 00:01:55,081 --> 00:01:57,850 FULL DISCLOSURE, I SMOKED A 46 00:01:57,850 --> 00:01:58,384 JOINT FIRST. 47 00:01:58,384 --> 00:02:00,720 THE REASON I LIKE HERB MORE THAN 48 00:02:00,720 --> 00:02:02,521 ALCOHOL IS BECAUSE IT MAKES ME 49 00:02:02,521 --> 00:02:05,091 FEEL GOOD, NO HANGOVER, AND I 50 00:02:05,091 --> 00:02:09,095 NEVER WAKE UP COVERED IN BLOOD. 51 00:02:09,095 --> 00:02:10,930 BUT REGARDLESS, I HAVE DECIDED 52 00:02:10,930 --> 00:02:15,301 TO QUIT SMOKING POT ALTOGETHER, 53 00:02:15,301 --> 00:02:16,002 AND I'M STICKING WITH IT -- 54 00:02:16,002 --> 00:02:19,072 UNTIL AFTER THE SHOW. 55 00:02:19,072 --> 00:02:19,372 YEAH. 56 00:02:19,372 --> 00:02:21,641 LAST WEEK IN AUSTIN, I WAS 57 00:02:21,641 --> 00:02:23,543 TALKING WITH MY FRIEND NICK. 58 00:02:23,543 --> 00:02:26,479 WE HAVE A LOT IN COMMON. 59 00:02:26,479 --> 00:02:29,382 HE WROTE "TRUE DETECTIVE" AND I 60 00:02:29,382 --> 00:02:31,384 WAS IN "TRUE DETECTIVE." 61 00:02:31,384 --> 00:02:33,486 I'M VEGAN, AND ALL THE ANIMALS 62 00:02:33,486 --> 00:02:35,955 HE EATS ARE VEGAN. 63 00:02:35,955 --> 00:02:37,290 ANYWAY, I WAS COMPLAINING ABOUT 64 00:02:37,290 --> 00:02:39,058 HOW I START SMOKING AROUND NOON 65 00:02:39,058 --> 00:02:41,494 AND GET PROGRESSIVELY DUMBER AS 66 00:02:41,494 --> 00:02:42,996 THE DAY UNFOLDS. 67 00:02:42,996 --> 00:02:46,466 FORGET BASIC WORDS, SIMPLE 68 00:02:46,466 --> 00:02:50,403 OBJECTS E-T-CETERA. 69 00:02:50,403 --> 00:02:52,505 I WAS HOPING THE WIFE MIGHT SAY, 70 00:02:52,505 --> 00:02:54,607 OH, NO, THAT'S NOT TRUE. 71 00:02:54,607 --> 00:02:55,808 INSTEAD SHE SAYS, AT LEAST 72 00:02:55,808 --> 00:02:56,943 YOU'RE AWARE OF IT. 73 00:02:56,943 --> 00:02:59,746 AND I SAY, WELL THAT DOESN'T 74 00:02:59,746 --> 00:03:01,014 FEEL LIKE MUCH CONSOLATION. 75 00:03:01,014 --> 00:03:03,916 AND SHE SAYS, THINK OF ALL THE 76 00:03:03,916 --> 00:03:05,151 DUMB PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW 77 00:03:05,151 --> 00:03:05,752 THEY'RE DUMB. 78 00:03:05,752 --> 00:03:08,588 YOU'RE AHEAD OF THEM. 79 00:03:08,588 --> 00:03:09,288 THANKS, HON. 80 00:03:09,288 --> 00:03:12,158 BUT ON TOP OF THE HERB, I'M A 81 00:03:12,158 --> 00:03:15,594 WEE BIT OF A DRINKER. 82 00:03:15,594 --> 00:03:17,096 I DON'T KNOW WHY I WENT IRISH 83 00:03:17,096 --> 00:03:17,397 THERE. 84 00:03:17,397 --> 00:03:18,164 ALL RIGHT. 85 00:03:18,164 --> 00:03:26,139 ANYWAY, BUT IN A PERSONAL 86 00:03:26,139 --> 00:03:28,741 TRIUMPH, LAST YEAR, I HAD SEVEN 87 00:03:28,741 --> 00:03:30,076 MONTHS WITH NO ALCOHOL, AND FIVE 88 00:03:30,076 --> 00:03:33,112 GLORIOUS MONTHS. 89 00:03:33,112 --> 00:03:33,813 ANYWAY, WHAT WERE WE TALKING 90 00:03:33,813 --> 00:03:35,715 ABOUT? 91 00:03:35,715 --> 00:03:36,316 OH, YEAH. 92 00:03:36,316 --> 00:03:39,519 I WAS TELLING YOU ABOUT THAT 93 00:03:39,519 --> 00:03:39,852 SCRIPT. 94 00:03:39,852 --> 00:03:42,689 SO I BLAZE A FATTY, WHICH, YOU 95 00:03:42,689 --> 00:03:47,393 KNOW, I GOT IN LA AT MY 96 00:03:47,393 --> 00:03:48,161 DISPENSARY, THE WOODS. 97 00:03:48,161 --> 00:03:50,697 I MEAN, OBVIOUSLY, I DIDN'T 98 00:03:50,697 --> 00:03:52,732 TRANSPORT THE HERB FROM 99 00:03:52,732 --> 00:03:53,633 CALIFORNIA TO NEW YORK BECAUSE 100 00:03:53,633 --> 00:03:57,337 THAT'S HIGHLY ILLEGAL. 101 00:03:57,337 --> 00:04:00,606 MY MANAGER, JEREMY, DID. 102 00:04:00,606 --> 00:04:00,907 YEAH. 103 00:04:00,907 --> 00:04:04,711 HE MULED IT FROM LA. 104 00:04:04,711 --> 00:04:05,177 YEAH. 105 00:04:05,177 --> 00:04:05,878 SPEAKING OF JEREMY, HE'S HERE 106 00:04:05,878 --> 00:04:07,480 TONIGHT. 107 00:04:07,480 --> 00:04:10,983 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 108 00:04:10,983 --> 00:04:18,658 YEAH. 109 00:04:18,658 --> 00:04:20,827 NEWLY SINGLE, LADIES. 110 00:04:20,827 --> 00:04:22,695 VERY HANDSOME. 111 00:04:22,695 --> 00:04:26,833 I KNOW HE WOULD PREFER I TALK 112 00:04:26,833 --> 00:04:29,268 ABOUT OUR MOVIE "CHAMPIONS" 113 00:04:29,268 --> 00:04:34,107 THAT'S COMING OUT IN TWO WEEKS. 114 00:04:34,107 --> 00:04:38,144 COMEDIC MASTERPIECE, BUT I'M NOT 115 00:04:38,144 --> 00:04:38,778 HERE TO SELL "CHAMPIONS." 116 00:04:38,778 --> 00:04:39,946 IT SELLS ITSELF. 117 00:04:39,946 --> 00:04:43,182 PROJECTIONS HAVE IT MAKING MORE 118 00:04:43,182 --> 00:04:44,617 THAN "AVATAR", BUT WHATEVER, I'M 119 00:04:44,617 --> 00:04:45,618 NO SALESMAN. 120 00:04:45,618 --> 00:04:46,953 WHERE WAS I? 121 00:04:46,953 --> 00:04:47,253 OKAY. 122 00:04:47,253 --> 00:04:49,455 SO THREE YEARS AGO, CENTRAL 123 00:04:49,455 --> 00:04:51,958 PARK, SUNDAY MORNING, THE LORD'S 124 00:04:51,958 --> 00:04:55,361 DAY, TRYING TO RESIST THE 125 00:04:55,361 --> 00:04:56,429 TEMPTATION TO PUFF TOO EARLY IN 126 00:04:56,429 --> 00:04:57,964 THE DAY. 127 00:04:57,964 --> 00:05:01,768 OF COURSE, I SUCCUMB. 128 00:05:01,768 --> 00:05:05,171 LIKE A LOT OF PEOPLE, I HAVE A 129 00:05:05,171 --> 00:05:06,773 DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER, AND ON 130 00:05:06,773 --> 00:05:09,475 THE OTHER SHOULDER, I HAVE A 131 00:05:09,475 --> 00:05:11,611 LARGER, MORE FRIGHTENING DEVIL. 132 00:05:11,611 --> 00:05:13,946 AND THERE'S A BATTLE GOING ON IN 133 00:05:13,946 --> 00:05:14,247 HERE. 134 00:05:14,247 --> 00:05:17,016 I'M JUST SAYING I AM MANY 135 00:05:17,016 --> 00:05:21,053 DIFFERENT THINGS, ANARCHIST, 136 00:05:21,053 --> 00:05:25,258 MARKIST, NONDISCRIMINATORY 137 00:05:25,258 --> 00:05:30,663 IMPATH, A DECONSTRUCTIONIST, A 138 00:05:30,663 --> 00:05:32,465 TEXAN. 139 00:05:32,465 --> 00:05:35,501 BUT BACK TO THE TREE IN CENTRAL 140 00:05:35,501 --> 00:05:36,101 PARK AND THAT SCRIPT. 141 00:05:36,101 --> 00:05:38,237 PUT YOURSELF IN MY PLACE, LAY 142 00:05:38,237 --> 00:05:42,975 THE CURVE OF YOUR NECK AGAINST 143 00:05:42,975 --> 00:05:44,877 THE ROOTS OF THE TREE. 144 00:05:44,877 --> 00:05:47,113 WHAT KIND OF TREE WAS IT? 145 00:05:47,113 --> 00:05:49,248 WHAT KIND DO THEY HAVE IN 146 00:05:49,248 --> 00:05:50,049 CENTRAL PARK? 147 00:05:50,049 --> 00:05:52,685 OH, YEAH, IT WAS A PALM TREE. 148 00:05:52,685 --> 00:05:54,454 LAY YOUR HEAD AGAINST THE PALM, 149 00:05:54,454 --> 00:05:57,190 FIRE UP THE HOOTER FROM JEREMY, 150 00:05:57,190 --> 00:05:58,191 AND START READING. 151 00:05:58,191 --> 00:06:01,227 SO THE MOVIE GOES LIKE THIS, THE 152 00:06:01,227 --> 00:06:02,795 BIGGEST DRUG CARTELS IN THE 153 00:06:02,795 --> 00:06:04,130 WORLD GET TOGETHER AND BUY UP 154 00:06:04,130 --> 00:06:06,098 ALL THE MEDIA AND ALL THE 155 00:06:06,098 --> 00:06:07,233 POLITICIANS AND FORCE ALL THE 156 00:06:07,233 --> 00:06:08,801 PEOPLE IN THE WORLD TO STAY 157 00:06:08,801 --> 00:06:10,703 LOCKED IN THEIR HOMES, AND 158 00:06:10,703 --> 00:06:12,371 PEOPLE CAN ONLY COME OUT IF THEY 159 00:06:12,371 --> 00:06:15,007 TAKE THE CARTEL'S DRUGS AND KEEP 160 00:06:15,007 --> 00:06:16,442 TAKING THEM OVER AND OVER. 161 00:06:16,442 --> 00:06:18,211 I THREW THE SCRIPT AWAY. 162 00:06:18,211 --> 00:06:20,279 I MEAN, WHO WAS GOING TO BELIEVE 163 00:06:20,279 --> 00:06:22,548 THAT CRAZY IDEA? 164 00:06:22,548 --> 00:06:24,683 BEING FORCED TO DO DRUGS? 165 00:06:24,683 --> 00:06:27,520 I DO THAT VOLUNTARILY ALL DAY 166 00:06:27,520 --> 00:06:28,554 LONG. 167 00:06:28,554 --> 00:06:33,526 ANYWAY, IT'S ABOUT THAT TIME. 168 00:06:33,526 --> 00:06:36,496 STILL NO JACKET. 169 00:06:36,496 --> 00:06:36,829 OKAY. 170 00:06:36,829 --> 00:06:40,166 WELL, WE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. JACK WHITE IS 171 00:06:40,233 --> 00:06:42,769 HERE, WE■LL BE BACK 10712

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