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1
00:00:04,076 --> 00:00:07,044
OK, vanilla cone with the
rainbow sprinkles...
2
00:00:09,014 --> 00:00:10,880
That's $2.43.
3
00:00:10,948 --> 00:00:12,981
There you go. Thanks.
4
00:00:13,049 --> 00:00:14,617
Out of 20?
5
00:00:14,685 --> 00:00:15,951
Do you have anything smaller?
6
00:00:16,018 --> 00:00:18,385
No, that's, uh, yeah,
that's all I got.
7
00:00:18,453 --> 00:00:21,720
Hmm. I don't have
change for this.
8
00:00:21,788 --> 00:00:24,055
Well, it's all I got.
9
00:00:27,726 --> 00:00:29,126
What do you wanna do?
10
00:00:30,527 --> 00:00:33,495
Well, uh, I told you I don't
have change for a 20.
11
00:01:15,257 --> 00:01:16,190
Man on TV: Fudge.
12
00:01:16,258 --> 00:01:17,324
Woman on TV: What's
wrong, honey?
13
00:01:17,391 --> 00:01:18,992
Man: There's a very rare
archipelago butterfly,
14
00:01:19,060 --> 00:01:20,259
and I forgot to bring my camera.
15
00:01:20,327 --> 00:01:21,661
Woman: No, you didn't, sweetie.
16
00:01:21,663 --> 00:01:22,662
Man: What the hell...
17
00:01:22,729 --> 00:01:24,396
Good God.
18
00:01:24,463 --> 00:01:25,764
What?
19
00:01:25,831 --> 00:01:28,231
Are you gonna move
at all this weekend?
20
00:01:28,299 --> 00:01:30,900
Are you planning any activity?
21
00:01:30,967 --> 00:01:33,435
Hey, I've been plenty active...
22
00:01:33,503 --> 00:01:36,070
in here.
23
00:01:36,137 --> 00:01:37,204
Please.
24
00:01:37,272 --> 00:01:38,671
I'm serious.
25
00:01:38,739 --> 00:01:41,806
I just learned that if I'm ever
bein' chased by a grizzly bear,
26
00:01:41,874 --> 00:01:43,142
I should run down a hill.
27
00:01:45,010 --> 00:01:46,477
'Cause bears, they
can't run downhill.
28
00:01:46,545 --> 00:01:48,645
Their back legs get all bunched
up with their front legs,
29
00:01:48,712 --> 00:01:51,980
and they... They just wipe out.
30
00:01:52,048 --> 00:01:53,315
Gotta be honest with you, hon,
31
00:01:53,382 --> 00:01:56,249
not sure you can run downhill.
32
00:01:56,317 --> 00:01:57,784
All right. Just for that,
I'm not gonna show you
33
00:01:57,852 --> 00:01:59,419
the safe way to milk a goat!
34
00:02:05,423 --> 00:02:06,723
TV Announcer: For the next hour,
35
00:02:06,792 --> 00:02:08,191
we'll take an in-depth look
36
00:02:08,193 --> 00:02:10,593
at the gentle giant of the sea,
37
00:02:10,660 --> 00:02:12,828
the North American manatee.
38
00:02:12,895 --> 00:02:15,496
Next, on Wildlife Channel.
39
00:02:33,576 --> 00:02:34,808
What up, dawg? Hey.
40
00:02:34,876 --> 00:02:35,643
Hey, Deac.
41
00:02:35,711 --> 00:02:36,677
Carrie!
42
00:02:36,745 --> 00:02:40,012
Hi, Kirby. Look how
cute you look.
43
00:02:40,080 --> 00:02:41,514
What brings you by?
44
00:02:41,581 --> 00:02:43,414
You invited us for dinner.
45
00:02:43,482 --> 00:02:46,650
Really? I already ate, but
I can get it goin' again.
46
00:02:48,152 --> 00:02:49,519
So, uh, hey, how was practice?
47
00:02:49,586 --> 00:02:50,720
Ah, it's brutal.
48
00:02:50,788 --> 00:02:51,953
The only reason I'm
coaching this freakin' team
49
00:02:52,021 --> 00:02:54,189
is to get Kirby to play,
and he still hates it.
50
00:02:54,256 --> 00:02:57,324
No, no, no, no, no. See, he
can't hate football, OK?
51
00:02:57,392 --> 00:02:58,558
He can hate brussels sprouts,
52
00:02:58,626 --> 00:02:59,726
he can hate white people,
53
00:02:59,793 --> 00:03:01,326
but he can't hate football.
54
00:03:01,394 --> 00:03:03,360
You know, I'll tell
you what it is.
55
00:03:03,429 --> 00:03:04,495
Since the divorce,
56
00:03:04,563 --> 00:03:06,396
he spends all his
time around women.
57
00:03:06,464 --> 00:03:08,865
I mean, Kelly, her
mom, her sister...
58
00:03:08,933 --> 00:03:12,034
They got this boy
watchin' Lifetime, man.
59
00:03:13,902 --> 00:03:15,268
That is rough.
60
00:03:15,336 --> 00:03:17,003
Yeah, and Kelly's got
him in the choir,
61
00:03:17,071 --> 00:03:18,871
school play, and next summer,
62
00:03:18,939 --> 00:03:21,406
she wants him to go
to theater camp.
63
00:03:21,473 --> 00:03:23,141
Theater camp!
64
00:03:23,209 --> 00:03:25,442
If he's gay on his own, I
have no problem with that.
65
00:03:25,510 --> 00:03:26,810
But Kelly, she's spiteful.
66
00:03:26,877 --> 00:03:28,978
I think she's pushin' him there.
67
00:03:29,045 --> 00:03:31,746
Yo yo yo yo yo yo yo!
68
00:03:33,548 --> 00:03:36,082
OK, I guess the catch is over.
69
00:03:36,150 --> 00:03:38,018
Hey, maybe you could
help me out here.
70
00:03:38,085 --> 00:03:39,284
How?
71
00:03:39,352 --> 00:03:40,285
Help me coach the team.
72
00:03:40,353 --> 00:03:41,520
I mean, you played
some serious ball.
73
00:03:41,587 --> 00:03:43,788
Maybe you can get Kirby
fired up about the game.
74
00:03:43,855 --> 00:03:45,656
Practices are
Saturday afternoon.
75
00:03:45,723 --> 00:03:46,856
What do you say?
76
00:03:46,924 --> 00:03:50,026
Oh, I don't know, Deac.
77
00:03:50,093 --> 00:03:53,094
It sounds pretty good.
It's just that, uh...
78
00:03:56,997 --> 00:03:59,931
I got a lot of stuff
goin' on around here.
79
00:04:01,801 --> 00:04:04,067
Daddy, I'm gonna help
Carrie cook dinner.
80
00:04:04,135 --> 00:04:07,404
Is it all right if I take
off my football costume?
81
00:04:09,973 --> 00:04:11,573
Go ahead.
82
00:04:13,408 --> 00:04:16,009
My son just called his
uniform a costume.
83
00:04:16,076 --> 00:04:17,443
Please... help me!
84
00:04:19,045 --> 00:04:20,579
OK, kids, we've got
85
00:04:20,646 --> 00:04:23,180
a really exciting addition
to our coaching staff.
86
00:04:23,247 --> 00:04:25,115
Back at St. Gregory's
High School
87
00:04:25,183 --> 00:04:27,116
where he was the
star running back,
88
00:04:27,184 --> 00:04:29,784
his nicknames included
"The H Train,"
89
00:04:29,852 --> 00:04:32,719
"Pound Cake," and "Hefferlegs."
90
00:04:32,787 --> 00:04:35,388
He even tried out for the
Nassau Rebels semipro team.
91
00:04:35,456 --> 00:04:37,756
Please welcome Coach Heffernan.
92
00:04:42,061 --> 00:04:44,061
Thank you very much,
Coach Palmer.
93
00:04:44,128 --> 00:04:46,329
All right. Now, I'm gonna
go get the game jerseys.
94
00:04:46,397 --> 00:04:47,696
Coach Heffernan is
gonna get you goin',
95
00:04:47,764 --> 00:04:49,198
and I'll be back
in a little bit.
96
00:04:51,767 --> 00:04:53,733
All righty. Well, first off,
97
00:04:53,801 --> 00:04:55,402
I already know that
Kirby's a stud,
98
00:04:55,469 --> 00:04:56,835
and lookin' at the rest of you,
99
00:04:56,903 --> 00:04:59,671
you look like some pretty
tough-nosed S.O.B.'s.
100
00:05:01,273 --> 00:05:02,472
All right. So now it's time
101
00:05:02,541 --> 00:05:05,107
to put the pee back in peewee.
102
00:05:06,010 --> 00:05:07,242
That's how I'm gonna
do things around here.
103
00:05:07,310 --> 00:05:08,844
I'm gonna keep it loose and fun.
104
00:05:08,912 --> 00:05:10,111
You're fat.
105
00:05:10,179 --> 00:05:11,779
OK, that's... You know what?
106
00:05:11,847 --> 00:05:13,413
That's a common misconception.
107
00:05:13,481 --> 00:05:14,748
What I like to call
this area right here
108
00:05:14,816 --> 00:05:16,348
is a low center of gravity,
109
00:05:16,450 --> 00:05:18,116
which is gonna help
you in this sport.
110
00:05:18,184 --> 00:05:20,352
Did you really ever
play football?
111
00:05:20,419 --> 00:05:22,119
Uh, yes. As Coach
Palmer just mentioned,
112
00:05:22,187 --> 00:05:23,587
I was very good. I
played in high school.
113
00:05:23,654 --> 00:05:25,521
He said you played
for the Rebels.
114
00:05:25,589 --> 00:05:27,423
Uh, no. He said I tried
out for the Rebels.
115
00:05:27,491 --> 00:05:28,790
So you didn't make the team?
116
00:05:28,858 --> 00:05:29,758
I made the team,
117
00:05:29,826 --> 00:05:31,392
but there were a lot
of politics goin' on.
118
00:05:31,459 --> 00:05:32,960
You know, the coach
had his favorites,
119
00:05:33,028 --> 00:05:34,427
and there was a
whole locker thing.
120
00:05:34,495 --> 00:05:36,162
Let's discuss our
offense, though.
121
00:05:36,230 --> 00:05:38,096
So you quit? I didn't quit, OK?
122
00:05:38,164 --> 00:05:39,631
I had a lot of
pressure at the time.
123
00:05:39,697 --> 00:05:41,032
I was getting married,
and, you know...
124
00:05:41,099 --> 00:05:42,233
You're fat.
125
00:05:43,668 --> 00:05:45,369
OK, that's it. Take
a lap, OK, Rusty?
126
00:05:45,436 --> 00:05:48,703
OK, now, ladies, you ready
to talk about football?
127
00:05:48,771 --> 00:05:50,972
'Cause this Saturday,
you're gonna be lining up
128
00:05:51,040 --> 00:05:53,840
against the Elmont Chipmunks,
and they hate you.
129
00:05:53,908 --> 00:05:54,840
All right, but we're gonna have
130
00:05:54,908 --> 00:05:56,442
a couple tricks up our sleeve.
131
00:05:56,509 --> 00:05:58,910
Now, I know they like to shoot
their linebackers wide,
132
00:05:58,978 --> 00:06:00,510
so once we get 'em
thinkin' wide,
133
00:06:00,579 --> 00:06:02,546
that's when we run our
fullback up the gut.
134
00:06:02,614 --> 00:06:05,347
OK, or we run the option.
Who's with me?
135
00:06:10,285 --> 00:06:10,985
OK, you know what?
136
00:06:11,053 --> 00:06:12,952
Maybe it's better if I show you.
137
00:06:13,020 --> 00:06:16,455
Blue! 295! Blue! 295!
138
00:06:16,523 --> 00:06:18,223
Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut!
139
00:06:23,961 --> 00:06:25,528
Yeah! Oh, yeah!
140
00:06:25,596 --> 00:06:26,995
What's up?
141
00:06:27,063 --> 00:06:28,663
What's up?
142
00:06:34,001 --> 00:06:35,168
Whoo!
143
00:07:09,224 --> 00:07:10,792
Yeah!
144
00:07:10,859 --> 00:07:12,525
What's up? Whoo-hoo, yeah!
145
00:07:12,593 --> 00:07:16,061
All right! All right! Yeah!
146
00:07:41,846 --> 00:07:43,513
Doug: Whoo! Whoo!
147
00:07:43,581 --> 00:07:47,782
Yeah! All right! Whoo!
148
00:07:47,850 --> 00:07:48,849
What the hell are you doing?
149
00:07:48,917 --> 00:07:50,351
What the hell am I doin'?
What am I not doin'?
150
00:07:50,418 --> 00:07:51,819
I'm gaining 17 yards a carry.
151
00:07:51,886 --> 00:07:53,953
I'm threadin' the needle.
You should have seen me!
152
00:07:54,021 --> 00:07:57,188
Kirby is sittin' in the minivan
listenin' to Dan Fogelberg.
153
00:07:57,256 --> 00:07:59,056
I literally jumped over
this little dude's head.
154
00:07:59,124 --> 00:08:01,691
I just, like, choked him! Sorry.
I'll take care of it.
155
00:08:01,759 --> 00:08:03,159
Hey, guys, gimme a little
of this, all right?
156
00:08:03,227 --> 00:08:04,693
Gimme some of that!
157
00:08:14,834 --> 00:08:20,037
Oh, wow. Sweet minivan, huh?
158
00:08:20,104 --> 00:08:21,672
Whoo! Whatcha got here?
159
00:08:21,739 --> 00:08:23,839
What is this, A... little moose?
160
00:08:23,907 --> 00:08:26,307
Oh, he's chargin'!
161
00:08:26,375 --> 00:08:27,408
All right. We can lose that.
162
00:08:29,343 --> 00:08:31,143
Here's the thing, Kirby.
163
00:08:31,211 --> 00:08:33,312
You can't just stop playing
164
00:08:33,380 --> 00:08:34,746
in the middle of practice.
165
00:08:34,814 --> 00:08:38,382
Mommy said if I wanted to
quit the team, I could quit.
166
00:08:38,450 --> 00:08:42,319
Look, when things
get tough in life,
167
00:08:42,387 --> 00:08:44,253
you just can't quit.
168
00:08:44,321 --> 00:08:46,621
You gotta strive to
make yourself better.
169
00:08:46,689 --> 00:08:49,857
Like Tom Cruise... He's got
everything, right? Wrong.
170
00:08:49,924 --> 00:08:50,958
He didn't like his teeth.
171
00:08:51,025 --> 00:08:52,591
So he got braces.
172
00:08:52,659 --> 00:08:55,894
The point is, he didn't
give up on his choppers.
173
00:08:57,896 --> 00:08:59,897
And you shouldn't
give up on football.
174
00:08:59,965 --> 00:09:01,363
But you quit your team.
175
00:09:01,632 --> 00:09:03,032
The Rebels? No, no, no, no.
176
00:09:03,100 --> 00:09:04,599
I had to stop. I had
an upcoming wedding
177
00:09:04,667 --> 00:09:06,433
and a coach whose nephew
could do no wrong.
178
00:09:06,735 --> 00:09:08,869
If you stopped playing,
I can stop, too.
179
00:09:08,937 --> 00:09:10,336
Look, believe me, I
didn't wanna stop.
180
00:09:10,404 --> 00:09:11,771
So try out again.
181
00:09:11,838 --> 00:09:13,105
Well, there's...
182
00:09:13,173 --> 00:09:15,373
If you play, I'll play.
183
00:09:15,441 --> 00:09:16,374
That sounds fair.
184
00:09:16,442 --> 00:09:17,408
Yeah.
185
00:09:23,847 --> 00:09:25,446
Hey, babe. How was practice?
186
00:09:25,514 --> 00:09:27,615
It was good. It was fun.
187
00:09:27,682 --> 00:09:30,182
Interesting. What are ya...
What are ya makin'?
188
00:09:30,250 --> 00:09:32,752
Well, it was gonna be
chicken and Rice-A-Roni,
189
00:09:32,818 --> 00:09:33,952
but I burnt the rice,
190
00:09:34,020 --> 00:09:37,454
so we're lookin'
at Chicken-A-Roni.
191
00:09:37,522 --> 00:09:41,058
Hey, you know what I,
uh, realized today?
192
00:09:41,125 --> 00:09:42,357
How much I miss football.
193
00:09:42,425 --> 00:09:46,460
You know, how much I miss
having it a part of my life.
194
00:09:46,528 --> 00:09:48,194
You mean the 10 hours
you watch every Sunday
195
00:09:48,262 --> 00:09:50,163
ain't gettin' it done?
196
00:09:53,033 --> 00:09:55,033
Y-You'd think it would, but no.
No.
197
00:09:55,101 --> 00:09:57,101
No, I'm talkin' about,
like, the contact.
198
00:09:57,168 --> 00:09:58,902
The smell of the grass.
199
00:09:58,970 --> 00:10:01,504
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
200
00:10:01,572 --> 00:10:03,438
I'm gonna go get
us some Taco Bell.
201
00:10:03,506 --> 00:10:05,239
Uh, you know what?
Don't worry about me.
202
00:10:05,306 --> 00:10:06,907
I'm gonna just eat
somethin' light.
203
00:10:06,975 --> 00:10:08,541
Apple, maybe.
204
00:10:11,978 --> 00:10:15,279
What? You mean, like, apple pie?
205
00:10:15,347 --> 00:10:19,082
No, an apple. I think I just need
to start gettin' in better shape.
206
00:10:19,149 --> 00:10:21,450
I thought you wanted to
see how big you can get
207
00:10:21,518 --> 00:10:23,685
and still wear jeans.
208
00:10:25,087 --> 00:10:26,386
No, no. I was just thinkin'
about what you said,
209
00:10:26,454 --> 00:10:27,821
you know, the other day when
I was lyin' on the couch...
210
00:10:27,888 --> 00:10:29,088
that I should be more active,
211
00:10:29,156 --> 00:10:33,291
and that's why I picked
up one of these.
212
00:10:33,359 --> 00:10:36,928
"The Nassau Rebels
tryout waiver"?
213
00:10:36,995 --> 00:10:37,694
Yeah, you remember the Rebels.
214
00:10:37,761 --> 00:10:39,295
No.
215
00:10:39,363 --> 00:10:40,662
Sure, you do. It's
a semipro team.
216
00:10:40,730 --> 00:10:41,797
I remember the team.
217
00:10:41,865 --> 00:10:45,066
I mean, no, you're not
playing football again.
218
00:10:46,968 --> 00:10:49,469
I think I am.
219
00:10:49,536 --> 00:10:51,337
What the hell is going
on here, anyway, Doug?
220
00:10:51,405 --> 00:10:52,603
I mean, you spend one afternoon
221
00:10:52,671 --> 00:10:54,139
runnin' around with a
bunch of 8-year-olds,
222
00:10:54,206 --> 00:10:56,073
and all of a sudden,
you're turning pro?
223
00:10:56,141 --> 00:10:57,307
OK, first of all, it's semipro,
224
00:10:57,375 --> 00:10:59,141
and there are a couple
9-year-olds there, OK?
225
00:11:03,813 --> 00:11:07,380
Look, here's the thing. I
promised Kirby I'd play.
226
00:11:07,447 --> 00:11:08,448
Why?
227
00:11:08,515 --> 00:11:11,082
Well, Kirby wanted
to quit the team.
228
00:11:11,150 --> 00:11:13,217
So I made a deal with him.
229
00:11:13,285 --> 00:11:16,553
He'll keep on playing
if I do this.
230
00:11:16,621 --> 00:11:18,922
Does Kirby know that
you're 36 years old
231
00:11:18,989 --> 00:11:21,156
and have a heart flutter?
232
00:11:21,224 --> 00:11:23,959
What... What are you saying? You
don't think I can handle it?
233
00:11:24,026 --> 00:11:25,292
Oh, no. Sure, you can
play football again,
234
00:11:25,360 --> 00:11:27,260
but why stop there, Doug, hmm?
235
00:11:27,328 --> 00:11:31,129
Why don't you become a superhero...
Captain Neckfat?
236
00:11:31,197 --> 00:11:35,533
That's nice. How long you had
that one in the holster, huh?
237
00:11:35,600 --> 00:11:40,569
You are not playing
semiprofessional football. OK?
238
00:11:40,637 --> 00:11:42,338
It is ridiculous.
239
00:11:42,405 --> 00:11:45,105
It's just on the weekends, and
believe me, I can handle it.
240
00:11:45,173 --> 00:11:47,073
I played football all my life.
241
00:11:47,141 --> 00:11:48,674
And by the way, you
can't just say no, OK?
242
00:11:48,742 --> 00:11:49,842
I'll do what I want!
243
00:11:49,910 --> 00:11:51,210
I just need you to
sign this, though.
244
00:11:51,278 --> 00:11:53,010
You gotta sign this.
245
00:11:53,078 --> 00:11:54,011
Why?
246
00:11:54,079 --> 00:11:55,146
Spouses need to sign.
247
00:11:55,213 --> 00:11:56,780
A couple wives sued. Whatever.
248
00:11:59,283 --> 00:12:01,516
"We, the undersigned,
hereby waive any claims
249
00:12:01,584 --> 00:12:04,485
"against the Nassau Rebels
for any bodily injury,
250
00:12:04,620 --> 00:12:07,053
concussion, paralysis,
and/or death."
251
00:12:09,189 --> 00:12:13,391
In case you didn't understand
the form, these are all bad.
252
00:12:13,459 --> 00:12:15,458
It's gonna be fine, OK?
253
00:12:15,526 --> 00:12:17,460
I already called Danny.
He's gonna train me.
254
00:12:17,528 --> 00:12:19,629
You know, he used to be a personal
trainer back in the late eighties.
255
00:12:19,696 --> 00:12:22,797
Oh... well, now I
feel much better.
256
00:12:22,865 --> 00:12:25,532
Why didn't you tell me
your slightly less fat,
257
00:12:25,600 --> 00:12:27,800
asthmatic cousin was
gonna train you?
258
00:12:33,538 --> 00:12:36,139
Look, I am doing this! OK?
259
00:12:36,206 --> 00:12:38,141
Hefferlegs is back in town!
260
00:12:39,943 --> 00:12:41,476
I still need you to
sign this, though.
261
00:12:48,382 --> 00:12:49,348
Any back pain?
262
00:12:49,416 --> 00:12:50,349
No.
263
00:12:50,417 --> 00:12:51,349
Arthritis?
264
00:12:51,417 --> 00:12:52,350
No.
265
00:12:52,418 --> 00:12:53,850
Trouble urinating?
266
00:12:56,920 --> 00:12:59,554
Yeah. When I get excited,
I pee on the rug.
267
00:13:01,323 --> 00:13:03,524
OK, what are we doin' here? When are
we gonna start liftin' weights?
268
00:13:03,559 --> 00:13:06,259
Relax, guy. I can't train you
unless I know your medical history.
269
00:13:06,326 --> 00:13:07,527
Fine.
270
00:13:07,595 --> 00:13:09,528
Do you suffer from headaches?
271
00:13:09,596 --> 00:13:10,529
No.
272
00:13:10,597 --> 00:13:11,829
Ever had a cardio-bypass
273
00:13:11,897 --> 00:13:13,765
or valve replacement?
274
00:13:15,432 --> 00:13:18,567
If I did, don't you think it
would've come up at Thanksgiving?
275
00:13:19,402 --> 00:13:21,702
OK, y-you're fighting me here.
276
00:13:21,770 --> 00:13:24,538
You're not understanding
the Danny system.
277
00:13:24,605 --> 00:13:28,541
I'm trying to tailor a specific
training program for your needs.
278
00:13:28,608 --> 00:13:30,708
And not just your
physical needs.
279
00:13:30,776 --> 00:13:33,210
But I focus on the mental...
280
00:13:33,278 --> 00:13:35,111
the spiritual...
281
00:13:35,179 --> 00:13:36,846
and the emotional.
282
00:13:36,914 --> 00:13:38,547
Let's go, maggot!
283
00:13:38,614 --> 00:13:40,515
Come on... lift it,
284
00:13:40,583 --> 00:13:42,617
you worthless sack of sh...
285
00:13:42,685 --> 00:13:43,984
I don't need to be berated.
286
00:13:45,219 --> 00:13:47,753
I don't need to
find my "center."
287
00:13:49,022 --> 00:13:51,489
I don't need to learn
the "Navajo way."
288
00:13:51,557 --> 00:13:55,059
I just need you to help
me get back in shape.
289
00:13:55,126 --> 00:13:56,358
So you're angry.
290
00:13:56,426 --> 00:13:58,161
Yes.
291
00:13:58,228 --> 00:14:00,529
Welcome to the Danny system.
292
00:14:02,030 --> 00:14:04,165
What do you say we go
build us a better Doug?
293
00:14:09,569 --> 00:14:11,269
Hey, Car. Hey!
294
00:14:11,336 --> 00:14:12,370
Well, is he ready yet?
295
00:14:12,438 --> 00:14:13,937
Oh, he'll be right down.
296
00:14:14,005 --> 00:14:15,872
Why don't you have a cup
of coffee and a Danish?
297
00:14:15,940 --> 00:14:17,740
Well, OK. Yeah. Sit down.
298
00:14:17,807 --> 00:14:18,973
Thanks. Yeah.
299
00:14:19,040 --> 00:14:20,508
Here you go, sweetie.
300
00:14:20,575 --> 00:14:21,509
Yeah. All right.
301
00:14:21,576 --> 00:14:22,509
You nice and comfy?
302
00:14:22,576 --> 00:14:23,844
Yeah. Good.
303
00:14:27,914 --> 00:14:29,080
Ow!
304
00:14:29,148 --> 00:14:31,048
What the hell is wrong with you?
305
00:14:31,116 --> 00:14:32,983
That's for making Doug
play football again.
306
00:14:33,051 --> 00:14:34,384
He's gonna get himself killed.
307
00:14:34,452 --> 00:14:35,685
I didn't make him. Oh, oh.
308
00:14:35,753 --> 00:14:36,852
You know what? I expect
309
00:14:36,919 --> 00:14:38,520
this kind of
stupidity from Doug.
310
00:14:38,588 --> 00:14:40,355
That's a given.
311
00:14:40,422 --> 00:14:42,756
But not from you. You should
be lookin' out for him.
312
00:14:42,823 --> 00:14:44,057
I do look out for him.
313
00:14:44,125 --> 00:14:46,792
Oh, bull. You're just
tryin' to de-gay your son.
314
00:14:48,362 --> 00:14:50,862
All right, fine. I'm not
thrilled about things.
315
00:14:50,929 --> 00:14:54,131
But is it so wrong? I mean,
is it so wrong for me
316
00:14:54,199 --> 00:14:56,032
to someday want to
visit my grandkids
317
00:14:56,100 --> 00:14:58,967
and not my bachelor
son and his 2 cats?
318
00:15:00,602 --> 00:15:03,235
I want you to tell Doug to stop.
319
00:15:04,305 --> 00:15:06,006
You know what? You
know, I don't think
320
00:15:06,073 --> 00:15:08,007
you should be so against this.
I mean,
321
00:15:08,074 --> 00:15:10,008
have you seen your husband lately?
He's workin' out.
322
00:15:10,075 --> 00:15:11,376
He's eatin' right.
323
00:15:11,443 --> 00:15:13,243
I mean, look. He even taped up
324
00:15:13,311 --> 00:15:15,745
this old picture of himself
so he can stay motivated.
325
00:15:15,812 --> 00:15:19,147
Now, tell me you wouldn't kill to
get him just halfway back to this.
326
00:15:19,215 --> 00:15:21,482
I'm horny just
lookin' at the guy.
327
00:15:22,584 --> 00:15:24,183
I don't care how he looks.
328
00:15:24,251 --> 00:15:26,185
I'd rather have him
fat than dead.
329
00:15:41,296 --> 00:15:41,961
All right, come on!
330
00:15:42,029 --> 00:15:43,529
You can do it!
331
00:15:43,597 --> 00:15:45,597
One more! Let's go! One more!
332
00:15:45,665 --> 00:15:47,432
That's right. Bring it to mama.
333
00:15:47,499 --> 00:15:48,867
Come on! Come on, now!
334
00:15:48,934 --> 00:15:50,901
Push! OK! Yeah!
335
00:15:50,969 --> 00:15:52,602
Ohhh! Ohh! Come on!
336
00:15:52,670 --> 00:15:54,436
Yeah! Ohhh!
337
00:16:06,245 --> 00:16:07,846
Up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up.
338
00:16:07,913 --> 00:16:09,280
Up, up, up, up, up, up, up!
339
00:16:09,348 --> 00:16:11,280
Down, down, down, down, down,
down, down, down, down.
340
00:16:11,348 --> 00:16:12,482
Down, down, down.
341
00:16:12,549 --> 00:16:14,516
OK. Good, good, good, good, good.
That's good.
342
00:16:14,584 --> 00:16:15,651
You take a short
break, all right?
343
00:16:15,719 --> 00:16:17,785
I got 300 waitin' for
you right over here.
344
00:16:17,853 --> 00:16:18,786
Oh, God.
345
00:16:18,854 --> 00:16:20,220
Hey, man. How's the champ?
346
00:16:20,287 --> 00:16:21,655
Aw, just another
day in Stinktown.
347
00:16:21,723 --> 00:16:25,557
I'm gettin' ready to
relocate 300 L.B.S. What up?
348
00:16:25,625 --> 00:16:27,492
I just stopped by
to say thanks, man.
349
00:16:27,559 --> 00:16:30,694
You really came through for me here.
And... And listen,
350
00:16:30,762 --> 00:16:32,562
Kirby made you somethin' to
wear at the tryouts tomorrow.
351
00:16:32,629 --> 00:16:35,063
It's a... It's a bandana. See?
352
00:16:35,130 --> 00:16:38,298
With your name on it. You're
really, like, his hero, man.
353
00:16:38,367 --> 00:16:41,100
Look, who knows who's a
hero for who, you know?
354
00:16:41,168 --> 00:16:43,969
I'm just one man, and... What is
that, glitter? I can't wear that.
355
00:16:44,204 --> 00:16:45,036
Come on. 300. Let's go.
356
00:16:45,372 --> 00:16:46,038
Come on. 300.
357
00:16:46,106 --> 00:16:48,306
Let's do it! 300, baby.
358
00:16:48,374 --> 00:16:49,539
Ohhh!
359
00:16:50,741 --> 00:16:53,509
Ruuuuhhhhh!
360
00:16:53,577 --> 00:16:56,211
Aaaahhhh!
361
00:16:56,279 --> 00:16:57,545
Yeah!
362
00:16:57,613 --> 00:16:58,379
Wow! Whoo!
363
00:16:58,447 --> 00:16:59,446
3 bills. Damn.
364
00:16:59,514 --> 00:17:03,083
Oh, look, who knows
who benches what?
365
00:17:03,150 --> 00:17:05,483
Could I bench-press
a full-grown deer?
366
00:17:05,551 --> 00:17:08,619
Sure, but it's about the kids.
That's really what matters.
367
00:17:08,687 --> 00:17:09,587
Ohhh... Thanks.
368
00:17:09,655 --> 00:17:10,720
Ohhh...
369
00:17:19,260 --> 00:17:21,662
What the hell is this?
370
00:17:21,729 --> 00:17:23,162
What the hell's what?
371
00:17:24,765 --> 00:17:26,431
These things are Styrofoam!
372
00:17:26,499 --> 00:17:28,198
Styrofoam?
373
00:17:28,266 --> 00:17:29,767
Uhh... I'll look into that.
374
00:17:29,901 --> 00:17:31,901
Meanwhile, you start
banging out some sit-ups.
375
00:17:31,969 --> 00:17:34,769
Why the hell am I
liftin' Styrofoam?
376
00:17:34,837 --> 00:17:36,704
Oh, it's just those two.
They're my motivators.
377
00:17:36,772 --> 00:17:39,106
Your what? Mo-ti-va-tors?
378
00:17:40,174 --> 00:17:41,941
They build confidence?
379
00:17:42,009 --> 00:17:42,941
What the... So what
are you sayin'?
380
00:17:43,009 --> 00:17:45,177
I... I ca... I can't bench 300?
381
00:17:45,245 --> 00:17:46,110
I gotta be honest with you.
382
00:17:46,178 --> 00:17:48,279
I don't think you can bench 200.
383
00:17:48,347 --> 00:17:50,947
But you think you can bench 300.
384
00:17:51,015 --> 00:17:52,515
That's the magic.
385
00:17:52,583 --> 00:17:53,416
So, what... what about
everything else?
386
00:17:53,484 --> 00:17:54,516
What about the 40-yard dash?
387
00:17:54,583 --> 00:17:56,350
I... I didn't really run a 4-8?
388
00:17:56,418 --> 00:17:57,784
No, no. You ran a 4-8.
389
00:17:57,852 --> 00:18:00,286
But it was the 29-yard dash.
390
00:18:00,354 --> 00:18:02,655
Why the hell would
you lie to me?
391
00:18:02,723 --> 00:18:03,789
I didn't lie.
392
00:18:03,856 --> 00:18:05,957
I mo-ti-va-ted.
393
00:18:06,025 --> 00:18:08,326
I cannot work like this!
394
00:18:17,532 --> 00:18:19,365
Hey, hon. What are you doin'?
395
00:18:19,433 --> 00:18:21,967
Rollin' a ham-and-Swiss doobie.
396
00:18:23,303 --> 00:18:24,736
Doug, you're...
You're in training.
397
00:18:24,804 --> 00:18:26,471
Your tryouts are tomorrow.
398
00:18:26,539 --> 00:18:27,638
I'm not tryin' out.
399
00:18:27,706 --> 00:18:28,806
What?
400
00:18:28,873 --> 00:18:30,407
Why?
401
00:18:30,474 --> 00:18:32,174
'Cause Danny lied...
about the weights,
402
00:18:32,242 --> 00:18:34,476
how much I was liftin',
how fast I was runnin'.
403
00:18:35,545 --> 00:18:36,744
You're right. You know what?
404
00:18:36,812 --> 00:18:38,812
I'm not an athlete anymore.
405
00:18:38,880 --> 00:18:40,680
I am what I am.
406
00:18:56,258 --> 00:18:58,192
But you can't quit!
407
00:18:58,260 --> 00:18:59,592
Why not? Well...
408
00:18:59,660 --> 00:19:01,928
for one thing, you
promised little Kirby.
409
00:19:01,995 --> 00:19:04,596
Please. That kid's got Ice-Capades
written all over him.
410
00:19:07,332 --> 00:19:08,731
All right, all
right, forget Kirby.
411
00:19:08,799 --> 00:19:10,167
But what about you Doug?
412
00:19:10,234 --> 00:19:13,269
You... You can't give up on your dream.
You love football.
413
00:19:13,336 --> 00:19:15,270
Yeah. I can still love it
from the couch every Sunday.
414
00:19:15,337 --> 00:19:17,337
What the hell do you
keep lookin' at?
415
00:19:17,405 --> 00:19:19,272
Our sushi magnet.
416
00:19:21,674 --> 00:19:23,308
No, you weren't. You're
lookin' at "Eighties Doug"!
417
00:19:23,375 --> 00:19:24,342
No, I wasn't.
418
00:19:24,410 --> 00:19:26,776
That's why you got on
board with all this!
419
00:19:26,844 --> 00:19:29,612
Not to support me! You just
don't want me to be fat!
420
00:19:30,680 --> 00:19:32,280
I don't think you're fat.
421
00:19:33,849 --> 00:19:35,349
You don't think I'm fat?
Look at you!
422
00:19:35,351 --> 00:19:36,917
You're lookin' at me right
now like I'm 2 meals away
423
00:19:36,985 --> 00:19:39,886
from needin' one of
those little scooters!
424
00:19:39,954 --> 00:19:41,920
All right, fine, OK? I admit it.
425
00:19:41,988 --> 00:19:45,223
I like you better when you can peel
an orange without breakin' a sweat.
426
00:19:46,691 --> 00:19:48,224
At least you're bein' honest.
427
00:19:48,292 --> 00:19:50,226
All right, forget about
the pictures, Doug.
428
00:19:50,293 --> 00:19:53,828
This isn't about me. This is...
It's about you.
429
00:19:53,895 --> 00:19:56,563
I mean, I gotta tell you...
430
00:19:56,631 --> 00:19:57,998
since this whole
football thing started,
431
00:19:58,065 --> 00:19:59,332
you're like a different person.
432
00:19:59,399 --> 00:20:02,066
You're... You're focused,
you're committed...
433
00:20:02,135 --> 00:20:03,301
sexy...
434
00:20:03,369 --> 00:20:05,135
yeah, and...
435
00:20:05,203 --> 00:20:09,105
really, you've worked
too hard to quit now.
436
00:20:09,173 --> 00:20:12,407
But Danny lied about...
Oh, so what?
437
00:20:12,475 --> 00:20:14,509
So the other guys are
stronger and faster.
438
00:20:14,576 --> 00:20:17,377
That doesn't make 'em
better football players.
439
00:20:17,412 --> 00:20:20,112
Actually, that's exactly what makes
'em better football players.
440
00:20:20,180 --> 00:20:21,913
All right. Yeah. OK.
441
00:20:21,981 --> 00:20:23,948
So you can't lift 300 pounds.
442
00:20:24,016 --> 00:20:27,517
But you're strong, Doug,
and football is your game.
443
00:20:28,885 --> 00:20:30,353
I was pretty good.
444
00:20:30,454 --> 00:20:31,820
You are pretty good!
445
00:20:31,887 --> 00:20:34,655
And you know what? You might
not make the team tomorrow.
446
00:20:34,723 --> 00:20:37,490
Big deal. But I'll
tell you somethin'.
447
00:20:37,558 --> 00:20:39,359
After tomorrow's tryouts,
448
00:20:39,427 --> 00:20:44,295
those guys are gonna know that
Doug Heffernan was there!
449
00:20:46,697 --> 00:20:47,764
Ooommmhhh!
450
00:20:49,499 --> 00:20:52,033
Ohhh... God!
451
00:21:02,141 --> 00:21:03,407
Watch out, man.
452
00:21:04,643 --> 00:21:05,809
Aaahh!
453
00:21:05,877 --> 00:21:06,576
Ready!
454
00:21:06,644 --> 00:21:08,544
Hut!
455
00:21:08,612 --> 00:21:09,411
Oh, God.
456
00:21:09,479 --> 00:21:10,846
Oh, God. Oh, God!
457
00:21:18,519 --> 00:21:21,953
Daddy, can I quit
the football team?
458
00:21:22,021 --> 00:21:23,622
Way ahead of ya.
459
00:21:25,023 --> 00:21:26,123
Guess I'll...
460
00:21:26,190 --> 00:21:27,957
I'll go meet Doug by the car.
461
00:21:44,236 --> 00:21:45,902
What can I get ya?
462
00:21:45,970 --> 00:21:50,005
Um, I'll have a small
nonfat yogurt, and...
463
00:21:52,841 --> 00:21:54,841
a bucket of rocky road.
33108
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