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1
00:00:01,626 --> 00:00:03,586
[SNEEZES]
2
00:00:03,670 --> 00:00:04,838
[DOOR OPENS]
3
00:00:05,880 --> 00:00:08,008
Ah. Who are you?
4
00:00:08,091 --> 00:00:10,385
Well, I'm tonight's guest star,
Roger Moore.
5
00:00:10,468 --> 00:00:14,889
That's funny, I could have swore you were
that James Bond fella from the movies.
6
00:00:14,973 --> 00:00:18,101
Him. You mustn't believe everything
you see in the movies.
7
00:00:18,184 --> 00:00:21,813
All that secret agent spy stuff
is only make-believe.
8
00:00:21,896 --> 00:00:24,357
Okay, young fella, if you say so.
9
00:00:25,400 --> 00:00:28,319
Hello, this is Agent Pops to control.
Do you read me?
10
00:00:28,403 --> 00:00:29,779
MAN:
Go ahead, Agent Pops.
11
00:00:29,863 --> 00:00:33,950
Yeah, 007 just passed checkpoint Able,
headed your way--
12
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All right, who are you working for?
13
00:00:35,994 --> 00:00:38,329
The frog! The frog!
14
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Oh. That's funny. So am I.
15
00:00:43,668 --> 00:00:47,797
It's The Muppet Show, with our
very special guest star, Roger Moore!
16
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[CHEERS]
17
00:00:50,550 --> 00:00:52,635
[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]
18
00:01:03,772 --> 00:01:05,815
♪ It's time to play the music ♪
19
00:01:05,899 --> 00:01:08,026
♪ It's time to light the lights ♪
20
00:01:08,109 --> 00:01:11,321
♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
On The Muppet Show tonight ♪
21
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♪ It's time to put on makeup ♪
22
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♪ It's time to dress up right ♪
23
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♪ It's time to raise the curtain
On The Muppet Show tonight ♪
24
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♪ Why do we always come here? ♪
25
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♪ I guess we'll never know ♪
26
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♪ It's like a kind of torture ♪
27
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♪ To have to watch this show ♪
28
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♪ But now let's get things started ♪
29
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♪ Why don't you get things started? ♪
30
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♪ It's time to get things started
On the most sensational, inspirational ♪
31
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♪ Celebrational, Muppetational ♪
32
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♪ This is what we call ♪
33
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♪ The Muppet Show ♪
34
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[WHISTLE BLOWS]
35
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[CROWD CHEERING]
36
00:02:01,246 --> 00:02:02,288
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
37
00:02:02,372 --> 00:02:05,583
Thank you, thank you, thank you,
and welcome again to The Muppet Show.
38
00:02:05,667 --> 00:02:08,253
And it's going to be
a wonderful show tonight,
39
00:02:08,336 --> 00:02:12,465
because our special guest is James Bond,
secret agent 007,
40
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known secretly to his millions of fans
as movie star Roger Moore!
41
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[AUDIENCE GASPS]
42
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Yes! But first, meet the Vikings,
43
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those cruel, heartless
Scandinavian marauders,
44
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whose savage brutality
earned them the reputation:
45
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"Worst Human Beings in History."
46
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[CHEF SHOUTING GIBBERISH]
47
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Uh, I'm sorry about that.
48
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Uh, ladies and gentlemen, uh, the Vikings.
49
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Those gentle, quaint,
fun-loving old charmers.
50
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[SHEEP BLEATING]
51
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[PLAYING FANFARE]
52
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[ALL SHOUTING]
53
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♪ We want you, we want you
We want you as a new recruit ♪
54
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♪ We want you, we want you
We want you as a new recruit ♪
55
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♪ Where can you find pleasure
Search the world for treasure ♪
56
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-♪ Learn science technology ♪
-♪ Where? ♪
57
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♪ Where can you begin to make
Your dreams all come true ♪
58
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-♪ On the land or on the sea ♪
-♪ Where? ♪
59
00:03:33,046 --> 00:03:36,549
♪ Where can you learn to fly
Play in sports or skin-dive ♪
60
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-♪ Study oceanography? ♪
-♪ Where? ♪
61
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♪ Sign up for the big band
Or sit in the grandstand ♪
62
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-♪ When your team and others meet ♪
-♪ Where? ♪
63
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♪ In the Navy ♪
64
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♪ Yes, you can sail the seven seas ♪
65
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♪ In the Navy ♪
66
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♪ Yes, you can put your mind at ease ♪
67
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♪ In the Navy ♪
68
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♪ Come on now, people, make a stand ♪
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♪ In the Navy ♪
70
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♪ Can't you see we need a hand? ♪
71
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♪ In the Navy ♪
72
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♪ Come on, protect the motherland ♪
73
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♪ In the Navy ♪
74
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♪ Come on and join your fellow man ♪
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♪ In the Navy ♪
76
00:04:10,625 --> 00:04:12,961
♪ Come on now, people, make a stand ♪
77
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♪ In the Navy ♪
78
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♪ In the Navy ♪
79
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♪ We want you, we want you
We want you as a new recruit ♪
80
00:04:20,927 --> 00:04:23,930
♪ We want you, we want you
We want you as a new recruit ♪
81
00:04:24,014 --> 00:04:25,473
♪ In the Navy ♪
82
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♪ Yes, you can sail the seven seas ♪
83
00:04:27,726 --> 00:04:29,227
♪ In the Navy ♪
84
00:04:29,310 --> 00:04:31,312
♪ Yes, you can put your mind at ease ♪
85
00:04:31,396 --> 00:04:32,939
♪ In the Navy ♪
86
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♪ Come on now, people, make a stand ♪
87
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♪ In the Navy ♪
88
00:04:36,651 --> 00:04:38,653
♪ Can't you see we need a hand? ♪
89
00:04:38,737 --> 00:04:40,488
♪ In the Navy ♪
90
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♪ Come on, protect the motherland ♪
91
00:04:42,449 --> 00:04:43,992
♪ In the Navy ♪
92
00:04:44,075 --> 00:04:45,827
♪ Come on and join your fellow man ♪
93
00:04:45,910 --> 00:04:47,620
♪ In the Navy ♪
94
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♪ Come on, now, people take a stand ♪
95
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♪ In the Navy ♪
96
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♪ In the Navy ♪
97
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♪ We got you, we got you
We got you as a new recruit ♪
98
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♪ We got you, we got you
We got you as a new recruit ♪
99
00:05:01,468 --> 00:05:04,888
♪ We got you, we got you
We got you as a new recruit ♪
100
00:05:04,971 --> 00:05:08,683
♪ We got you, we got you
We got you as a new recruit ♪
101
00:05:08,767 --> 00:05:09,809
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
102
00:05:09,893 --> 00:05:12,812
Tell me, Statler, did you ever have
any Naval experience?
103
00:05:12,896 --> 00:05:15,106
Well, I once saved a rat from drowning.
104
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Really? How?
105
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I gave him mouse-to-mouse resuscitation!
106
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Okay, Roger Moore's number is next.
On-stage, Roger and Miss Piggy.
107
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Way to go, Vikings. Nicely pillaged.
108
00:05:27,494 --> 00:05:30,121
[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]
109
00:05:30,205 --> 00:05:32,374
Mm. Tell that to the Chef!
110
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Hey, Kermit, you want us
to put these pies on-stage?
111
00:05:35,377 --> 00:05:36,544
Uh, no. Why?
112
00:05:36,628 --> 00:05:39,631
Don't you remember?
When I asked you what we were gonna do
113
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for that big James Bond number
with Roger Moore, you said:
114
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"Use pies."
115
00:05:44,010 --> 00:05:47,180
No, no, no. Not "pies." I said "spies."
116
00:05:47,263 --> 00:05:49,265
Oh. How embarrassing.
117
00:05:49,349 --> 00:05:52,894
Oh, yes, never mind, listen,
I gotta introduce Roger's first number.
118
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Just get rid of those pies.
119
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-You mean throw them away?
-Yeah.
120
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Okay.
121
00:05:58,608 --> 00:06:00,735
Wha--? Oh! Watch out!
122
00:06:03,988 --> 00:06:09,661
Uh, excuse the pie, folks.
It's all part of the show. Ahem.
123
00:06:09,744 --> 00:06:12,872
Um... And now a man
who needs no introduction...
124
00:06:12,956 --> 00:06:14,249
So, what am I doing out here?
125
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Uh, ladies and gentlemen,
Roger Moore! Yay!
126
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[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
127
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Come sit, Roger.
128
00:06:26,970 --> 00:06:31,433
Ah. Roger, I'm so glad
you asked me up here.
129
00:06:31,516 --> 00:06:34,227
Well, actually, I didn't ask you.
130
00:06:34,310 --> 00:06:38,398
Oh. Well, Roger, mon amour,
you know we are meant to be.
131
00:06:38,481 --> 00:06:40,734
Vous et moi.
132
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Vous et moi? Nous?
133
00:06:43,111 --> 00:06:44,946
-Who?
-"We."
134
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Oh, oui, oui, oui, oui.
135
00:06:46,865 --> 00:06:48,908
What are you trying to say, Miss Piggy?
136
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[SIGHS]
137
00:06:50,118 --> 00:06:53,913
♪ I'd love to get you, Roger ♪
138
00:06:54,831 --> 00:06:58,543
♪ On a slow boat to China ♪
139
00:06:59,711 --> 00:07:02,797
♪ All to myself ♪
140
00:07:03,923 --> 00:07:07,260
♪ Alone ♪
141
00:07:07,344 --> 00:07:09,846
I can't believe it. She's singing to me.
142
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♪ I'll get you and keep you ♪
143
00:07:14,017 --> 00:07:17,645
♪ In my arms evermore ♪
144
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Look, look, Piggy, I must be honest.
I have a date.
145
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♪ Leave all your ladies ♪
146
00:07:24,194 --> 00:07:26,863
♪ Weeping on the faraway shore ♪
147
00:07:26,946 --> 00:07:30,450
Yes, but what about Kermit?
He's your true love.
148
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♪ Out on the briny ♪
149
00:07:32,994 --> 00:07:34,287
Oh, Roger.
150
00:07:34,371 --> 00:07:37,165
♪ With the moon big and shiny ♪
151
00:07:37,248 --> 00:07:40,085
But I'm not green. I don't have flippers.
152
00:07:40,168 --> 00:07:44,547
♪ Melting your heart of stone ♪
153
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Just look, my eyes don't bulge,
I don't eat flies. I'm not your type.
154
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♪ I'd like to take you ♪
155
00:07:52,764 --> 00:07:56,518
♪ On a slow boat to China ♪
156
00:07:56,601 --> 00:07:58,728
Piggy, you are wrinkling the lapels.
157
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♪ All to myself ♪
158
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♪ Alone ♪
159
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Now, please, you really must stop.
160
00:08:06,444 --> 00:08:09,072
Oh, Roger, I know what you're thinking.
161
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I doubt that.
162
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Yes, you're thinking that you are a man
and I am a pig.
163
00:08:16,204 --> 00:08:17,789
Why would I think that?
164
00:08:17,872 --> 00:08:21,334
Oh, Roger. Silly, dear, dear Roger,
it can work.
165
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Roger, we can make it work! Yes!
166
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-But I don't want to make it work.
-Ah!
167
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♪ I'd love to get you ♪
168
00:08:31,219 --> 00:08:35,432
♪ On a slow boat to China ♪
169
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Not even a Concorde.
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♪ All to myself ♪
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♪ Alone ♪
172
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Piggy, my date will be here any second.
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Oh, Roger.
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♪ All to myself ♪
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♪ Alone ♪
176
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[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
177
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Roger! Oh, Roger!
178
00:08:57,912 --> 00:08:59,998
Please, Miss Piggy!
179
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Piggy! You'll ruin your makeup!
180
00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:05,462
[DOORBELL RINGS]
181
00:09:07,422 --> 00:09:09,716
Roger, I'm here!
182
00:09:09,799 --> 00:09:13,386
-Annie Sue, how lovely you look.
-Oh!
183
00:09:13,470 --> 00:09:15,013
This is your date?
184
00:09:15,096 --> 00:09:18,767
Yes, we're going to the opening of Hamlet.
185
00:09:18,850 --> 00:09:21,061
Put off the lights, will you?
186
00:09:24,814 --> 00:09:26,316
Hi-yah!
187
00:09:28,068 --> 00:09:32,489
Quite a touching scene. 007 and 700.
188
00:09:32,572 --> 00:09:33,948
-700?
-Mm-hm.
189
00:09:34,032 --> 00:09:35,533
Is that Miss Piggy's code name?
190
00:09:35,617 --> 00:09:37,452
No, it's her weight!
191
00:09:37,535 --> 00:09:39,162
Her weight!
192
00:09:39,245 --> 00:09:41,581
Okay, nice number, nice number.
193
00:09:41,664 --> 00:09:44,084
-Thank you, Annie Sue.
-Thank you!
194
00:09:44,167 --> 00:09:46,920
-Roger, you were great.
-Oh, thank you, Kermit.
195
00:09:47,003 --> 00:09:49,464
By the way, do you use pies on the show?
196
00:09:49,547 --> 00:09:50,590
Spies?
197
00:09:50,674 --> 00:09:51,925
No, pies.
198
00:09:52,008 --> 00:09:53,968
Uh, well, maybe down in the canteen.
199
00:09:54,052 --> 00:09:55,095
On-stage.
200
00:09:55,178 --> 00:09:56,971
I don't think so. Why?
201
00:09:57,055 --> 00:09:58,765
I just trod in one.
202
00:10:03,603 --> 00:10:07,232
Gee. He's so suave, I never would
have noticed unless he mentioned it.
203
00:10:08,274 --> 00:10:10,402
Okay, Lew Zealand, you're on.
204
00:10:10,485 --> 00:10:12,862
[LAUGHS]
205
00:10:14,322 --> 00:10:20,620
Yeah, here I am, Lew Zealand
and my fabulous singing fish!
206
00:10:20,704 --> 00:10:22,080
[LAUGHS]
207
00:10:22,163 --> 00:10:27,168
With our rendition
of "You Light Up My Life."
208
00:10:27,252 --> 00:10:29,254
Maestro, please.
209
00:10:29,337 --> 00:10:32,173
[BAND PLAYING SLOW MUSIC]
210
00:10:33,758 --> 00:10:36,094
[FISH GURGLING MUSICALLY]
211
00:10:50,650 --> 00:10:52,110
[SHOUTING]
212
00:10:53,611 --> 00:10:55,071
[GRUNTING]
213
00:10:55,155 --> 00:11:00,910
Listen, fish freak, we are trying
to put on a classy show here.
214
00:11:00,994 --> 00:11:05,331
You can't treat me like that!
I'll sic my pet barracuda on you!
215
00:11:05,415 --> 00:11:06,541
Get her, Fred!
216
00:11:06,624 --> 00:11:10,462
Aah! Get that smelly thing away from me!
217
00:11:10,545 --> 00:11:13,923
Okay, Vet's Hospital on in three minutes!
218
00:11:14,007 --> 00:11:15,842
Kamikaze attack! Banzai!
219
00:11:17,677 --> 00:11:18,803
Oh. Ha, ha.
220
00:11:18,887 --> 00:11:21,306
Roger, how was Hamlet?
221
00:11:21,389 --> 00:11:25,143
Oh, it was canceled.
We saw Pygmalion instead.
222
00:11:25,226 --> 00:11:26,519
[PIGGY GRUMBLES]
223
00:11:26,603 --> 00:11:29,647
Good riddance, suet snout!
224
00:11:29,731 --> 00:11:31,941
Kermit, is it always like this
on the show?
225
00:11:32,025 --> 00:11:33,109
Uh, wow do you mean?
226
00:11:33,193 --> 00:11:34,819
Well, all this craziness.
227
00:11:34,903 --> 00:11:39,699
Well, this is a rather quiet show for us.
No unforeseen disasters so far.
228
00:11:39,783 --> 00:11:40,992
JANICE:
Hurry up, guys!
229
00:11:41,076 --> 00:11:43,453
All right, all right. I just hit the frog.
230
00:11:43,536 --> 00:11:44,829
PIGGY:
Watch out!
231
00:11:44,913 --> 00:11:46,414
[KERMIT YELLS]
232
00:11:46,498 --> 00:11:48,208
Unforeseen disasters?
233
00:11:48,291 --> 00:11:51,920
Uh, well, that's a disaster
we knew about all along.
234
00:11:54,297 --> 00:11:57,008
NARRATOR:
And now, Veterinarian's Hospital.
235
00:11:57,092 --> 00:12:03,807
The continuing story of a quack
who's gone to the dogs.
236
00:12:03,890 --> 00:12:06,559
Well, Nurse Piggy,
ready to save another life?
237
00:12:06,643 --> 00:12:08,019
-Yes, Dr. Bob.
-Good.
238
00:12:08,103 --> 00:12:10,605
Send the patient to another hospital.
239
00:12:11,690 --> 00:12:16,194
Dr. Bob, this is a special patient.
Can't you tell by looking at him?
240
00:12:16,277 --> 00:12:19,572
Yes, he looks like
a very unlucky bullfighter.
241
00:12:19,656 --> 00:12:22,409
-Gored right through the gourd.
-Oh!
242
00:12:22,492 --> 00:12:23,785
Down, boy!
243
00:12:23,868 --> 00:12:25,328
-Dr. Bob.
-Hm?
244
00:12:25,412 --> 00:12:27,789
That is a helmet and he is a Viking.
245
00:12:27,872 --> 00:12:30,291
I know all about them.
They come from Denmark.
246
00:12:30,375 --> 00:12:32,627
One of my ancestors was a Viking.
247
00:12:32,711 --> 00:12:35,755
Oh, this isn't going to be
a Great Dane joke, is it?
248
00:12:35,839 --> 00:12:39,342
Well, it's a Dane joke,
but I wouldn't call it great.
249
00:12:39,426 --> 00:12:43,179
Dr. Bob, no more jokes
just because he's Danish.
250
00:12:43,263 --> 00:12:46,725
Well, don't blame me.
I ordered a roll, not a Danish.
251
00:12:46,808 --> 00:12:47,934
Oh, brother.
252
00:12:48,018 --> 00:12:50,228
Gotta keep them coming fast and furious.
253
00:12:50,311 --> 00:12:52,272
Why not try fast and funny?
254
00:12:53,606 --> 00:12:54,983
Just hurry it up, will you?
255
00:12:55,066 --> 00:12:57,944
I gotta get back
to my plundering and pillaging.
256
00:12:58,028 --> 00:13:02,991
Down, boy! Listen, my ancestor the Viking
was terrible at plundering and pillaging.
257
00:13:03,074 --> 00:13:04,117
-He was?
-Yes.
258
00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:08,204
He blundered his plundering
and he was stupid with his pillaging.
259
00:13:08,288 --> 00:13:10,290
ALL:
How stupid was he?
260
00:13:10,373 --> 00:13:12,208
They called him the pillage idiot.
261
00:13:13,418 --> 00:13:17,255
NARRATOR: And so we come to the end
of another Veterinarian's Hospital.
262
00:13:17,339 --> 00:13:20,425
Tune in again next week,
when you'll hear Dr. Bob say:
263
00:13:20,508 --> 00:13:24,262
Good night, and may the good Lord
take a Viking to you.
264
00:13:24,346 --> 00:13:26,306
"Viking to you"!
265
00:13:27,807 --> 00:13:30,393
[PLAYING UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC]
266
00:15:27,886 --> 00:15:29,971
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
267
00:15:31,890 --> 00:15:33,224
NARRATOR:
And now...
268
00:15:34,476 --> 00:15:39,105
Ridding the world of evil,
here comes Bear on Patrol!
269
00:15:43,443 --> 00:15:44,819
Oh.
270
00:15:44,903 --> 00:15:47,364
Oh, great, you found my Frisbee!
271
00:15:47,447 --> 00:15:51,451
It is not a Frisbee. It is my toupee.
272
00:15:51,534 --> 00:15:53,578
Good thing I ordered a new one.
273
00:15:53,661 --> 00:15:54,704
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
274
00:15:54,788 --> 00:15:57,374
Oh. That must be the visiting
toupee representative,
275
00:15:57,457 --> 00:15:59,000
and you know what that means.
276
00:15:59,084 --> 00:16:02,212
Yes. The wig man!
277
00:16:04,339 --> 00:16:07,217
This could be your lucky day!
278
00:16:07,300 --> 00:16:09,719
Well, I certainly hope so.
279
00:16:09,803 --> 00:16:10,887
Oh, let's see.
280
00:16:10,970 --> 00:16:13,682
These are the very latest.
281
00:16:18,520 --> 00:16:20,063
It is not a wig.
282
00:16:20,146 --> 00:16:21,773
It is not a wig.
283
00:16:21,856 --> 00:16:24,734
It would look dumb,
and they would slide off my head.
284
00:16:24,818 --> 00:16:27,320
No, these will never slide off.
285
00:16:28,405 --> 00:16:31,282
Whoa! Wait! Sir? Sir, you're-- Oh!
286
00:16:31,366 --> 00:16:35,203
Sir, sir, sir! Sir! Sir! Sir!
287
00:16:35,286 --> 00:16:36,705
Yeah! Get the picture?
288
00:16:36,788 --> 00:16:41,209
Yes. You are a handcuff salesman.
289
00:16:41,292 --> 00:16:44,170
I don't think we need
any handcuffs today, sir.
290
00:16:44,254 --> 00:16:46,840
See, he loses the key.
291
00:16:46,923 --> 00:16:49,551
-Oh!
-Here, you try them.
292
00:16:49,634 --> 00:16:52,178
What are you doing? I don't like this.
Wait a min-- Oh!
293
00:16:52,262 --> 00:16:55,432
Whoa! Sir! Whoa! Whoa!
294
00:16:55,515 --> 00:16:59,185
Yeah. They're good, all right.
295
00:16:59,269 --> 00:17:02,147
I don't know, there's something
about them I don't like.
296
00:17:02,230 --> 00:17:05,108
Well, they do have some drawbacks.
297
00:17:05,191 --> 00:17:06,443
How do you get them off?
298
00:17:06,526 --> 00:17:08,570
That's one of the biggest.
299
00:17:16,077 --> 00:17:17,370
[BOTH SHOUT]
300
00:17:17,454 --> 00:17:20,749
Wait! Hold it!
You can't leave us like this!
301
00:17:22,083 --> 00:17:24,419
You're right. Here's 50 cents.
302
00:17:26,171 --> 00:17:27,339
What's that for?
303
00:17:27,422 --> 00:17:30,425
Get yourself a decent Frisbee.
304
00:17:32,844 --> 00:17:34,346
Hello, Secret Service?
305
00:17:34,429 --> 00:17:37,640
Uh, this is Kermit the Frog,
speaking from the Muppet Theater.
306
00:17:37,724 --> 00:17:41,519
Uh, listen, I need to hire
a bunch of spies for a closing number.
307
00:17:41,603 --> 00:17:44,230
Mm-hm. How fast can you get here?
308
00:17:44,314 --> 00:17:46,483
[SHOUTS THEN STAMMERS]
309
00:17:46,566 --> 00:17:48,818
Uh, that was pretty fast.
310
00:17:48,902 --> 00:17:52,822
All right, who gave you
the Secret Service phone number?
311
00:17:52,906 --> 00:17:55,909
Uh, no one. It's in the yellow pages.
312
00:17:55,992 --> 00:17:57,577
-It is?
-Mm-hm.
313
00:17:57,660 --> 00:18:01,247
Listen, all I wanted was some
real-life spies for a closing number.
314
00:18:01,331 --> 00:18:05,835
It's a big spy spectacular
featuring 007, James Bond.
315
00:18:05,919 --> 00:18:07,212
James Bond?
316
00:18:07,295 --> 00:18:08,380
Don't worry.
317
00:18:08,463 --> 00:18:09,589
We'll fix him.
318
00:18:09,673 --> 00:18:10,715
What?
319
00:18:10,799 --> 00:18:13,093
Yeah, you won't be bothered by him again.
320
00:18:13,176 --> 00:18:17,639
Yeah. At last, a chance to get James Bond!
321
00:18:17,722 --> 00:18:19,224
Hey, guys?
322
00:18:19,307 --> 00:18:20,350
ROGER:
Kermit?
323
00:18:21,393 --> 00:18:24,062
Excuse me, everything ready
for the closing number?
324
00:18:24,145 --> 00:18:27,232
It's all fixed up. It's going
to be absolutely and totally--
325
00:18:27,315 --> 00:18:29,317
Oh, it'll be cute, don't worry.
326
00:18:29,401 --> 00:18:32,487
Cute was the only thing
I hadn't worried about.
327
00:18:32,570 --> 00:18:35,365
But, Kermit, I'm going to sing
"Talk to the Animals,"
328
00:18:35,448 --> 00:18:39,035
surrounded by oodles
of cute, fluffy little creatures.
329
00:18:39,119 --> 00:18:41,246
You'll be surprised.
330
00:18:41,329 --> 00:18:42,914
I'll be surprised?
331
00:18:42,997 --> 00:18:44,124
I already am.
332
00:18:45,500 --> 00:18:48,128
Cute fluffy animals, huh?
333
00:18:48,211 --> 00:18:52,007
Good thing we're masters
of instant disguise!
334
00:18:52,090 --> 00:18:54,426
Good thing you're what?
335
00:18:54,509 --> 00:18:57,095
Cute fluffy animals!
336
00:18:58,555 --> 00:19:01,016
What the hey?
337
00:19:01,099 --> 00:19:03,226
[MUPPET SPORTS THEME PLAYS]
338
00:19:04,769 --> 00:19:11,026
This is Louis Kazagger from
the Woodland Hills, Nevada, Salt Flats,
339
00:19:11,109 --> 00:19:14,738
where we are now
in the fifth week of the annual
340
00:19:14,821 --> 00:19:20,410
Dwight D. Eisenhower Memorial
Cross-Country Billiards Tournament.
341
00:19:20,493 --> 00:19:21,953
Here at the far turn,
342
00:19:22,037 --> 00:19:26,583
it appears that top-seated
Rodney Rugg is in the lead.
343
00:19:26,666 --> 00:19:28,376
[PANTING]
344
00:19:32,088 --> 00:19:36,718
However, eager young Swedish hopeful
Boo Mortmorkson
345
00:19:36,801 --> 00:19:41,806
is pulling up fast
with only three and a half miles to go.
346
00:19:45,935 --> 00:19:46,978
Wait a minute!
347
00:19:47,062 --> 00:19:49,105
What a game, folks!
348
00:19:49,189 --> 00:19:53,109
Boo has overshot the course
and landed in a trap!
349
00:19:54,152 --> 00:19:56,654
A moose trap, that is.
350
00:19:56,738 --> 00:19:59,616
I'm not a moose. I'm a deer!
351
00:20:01,493 --> 00:20:02,744
[SHOUTING]
352
00:20:12,379 --> 00:20:16,007
And that's all for now from Muppet Sports.
353
00:20:17,967 --> 00:20:20,679
Here is a Muppet News Flash.
354
00:20:20,762 --> 00:20:26,059
An international spy ring is trying
to sneak ridiculous stories into the news.
355
00:20:26,142 --> 00:20:31,147
Fortunately, with the tight security in
the Muppet Newsroom, it can't happen here.
356
00:20:31,231 --> 00:20:34,609
In other news,
a black-and-yellow striped mackerel
357
00:20:34,693 --> 00:20:37,779
was elected king this morning and--
358
00:20:37,862 --> 00:20:38,905
-Guard?
-Yes?
359
00:20:38,988 --> 00:20:40,240
Where have you been?
360
00:20:40,323 --> 00:20:43,910
Oh, I've been showing His Majesty
around the newsroom.
361
00:20:43,993 --> 00:20:46,037
Holy mackerel!
362
00:20:46,121 --> 00:20:48,915
No, "Your Highness" will do.
363
00:20:48,998 --> 00:20:50,792
Would you like to be knighted?
364
00:20:50,875 --> 00:20:51,960
Of course.
365
00:20:52,043 --> 00:20:54,004
Okay. Good night!
366
00:20:56,464 --> 00:20:57,966
[CHATTERING]
367
00:20:58,049 --> 00:21:02,012
Don't take that. I don't think Kermit...
No, no, please don't touch.
368
00:21:02,095 --> 00:21:06,016
The next musical number
is where we get Bond.
369
00:21:07,350 --> 00:21:08,977
Just go down there,
370
00:21:09,060 --> 00:21:13,440
mingle with the other animals,
and act cute and cuddly.
371
00:21:13,523 --> 00:21:15,150
Cute and cuddly.
372
00:21:15,233 --> 00:21:16,776
Let go! Let go! Let go!
373
00:21:16,860 --> 00:21:19,487
Uh, Scooter, listen,
I gotta go introduce the finale.
374
00:21:19,571 --> 00:21:23,616
Now, some of these animals are spies.
You gotta get rid of the spies.
375
00:21:23,700 --> 00:21:24,784
But how?
376
00:21:24,868 --> 00:21:27,495
Tell them there are no spies
in the closing number.
377
00:21:27,579 --> 00:21:29,539
You just say, "Spies, go home."
378
00:21:30,749 --> 00:21:32,000
-Uh...
-Okay, mingle.
379
00:21:32,083 --> 00:21:35,295
There are no spies in the closing number!
380
00:21:36,921 --> 00:21:38,798
Spies, go home!
381
00:21:40,884 --> 00:21:44,012
Uh, Kermit, nobody's going home!
382
00:21:45,388 --> 00:21:50,393
Uh, well, folks, we were going to do
a big James Bond closing number,
383
00:21:50,477 --> 00:21:53,563
with spies and counterspies
and action and mayhem,
384
00:21:53,646 --> 00:21:55,523
but we're not going to do that!
385
00:21:55,607 --> 00:21:57,525
Please!
386
00:21:57,609 --> 00:21:59,819
Uh... uh, so, here he is,
387
00:21:59,903 --> 00:22:03,114
that gentle, fun-loving charmer,
Roger Moore.
388
00:22:03,198 --> 00:22:05,283
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
389
00:22:09,662 --> 00:22:13,583
♪ If I could talk to the animals ♪
390
00:22:13,667 --> 00:22:14,959
♪ Just imagine it ♪
391
00:22:15,043 --> 00:22:17,253
♪ Talking to a chimp in chimpanzee ♪
392
00:22:17,337 --> 00:22:18,380
Hi, Rog.
393
00:22:18,463 --> 00:22:20,924
♪ Imagine talking to a tiger ♪
394
00:22:21,007 --> 00:22:23,051
♪ Rapping with a rabbit ♪
395
00:22:23,134 --> 00:22:25,553
♪ What a happy habit that would be ♪
396
00:22:26,596 --> 00:22:29,557
♪ If I could talk to the animals ♪
397
00:22:29,641 --> 00:22:31,226
♪ Learn our languages ♪
398
00:22:31,309 --> 00:22:34,312
♪ Maybe take an animal degree ♪
399
00:22:34,396 --> 00:22:37,273
♪ I'd study elephant and eagle ♪
400
00:22:37,357 --> 00:22:39,192
♪ Buffalo and beagle ♪
401
00:22:39,275 --> 00:22:41,569
♪ Alligator, guinea pig and flea ♪
402
00:22:41,653 --> 00:22:42,862
Scratch the flea.
403
00:22:42,946 --> 00:22:46,741
♪ I'd learn to parlez vous
Avec my poodle ♪
404
00:22:46,825 --> 00:22:48,118
♪ With my gnu ♪
405
00:22:48,201 --> 00:22:50,620
♪ Your gnoodle would expand ♪
406
00:22:50,704 --> 00:22:54,499
♪ And if they asked me
"Can you handle Afghan?" ♪
407
00:22:54,582 --> 00:22:56,292
-♪ You'd say: ♪
-♪ I half can ♪
408
00:22:56,376 --> 00:22:59,170
♪ And you'd get a hand ♪
409
00:22:59,254 --> 00:23:02,424
♪ If I conferred with my furry friends ♪
410
00:23:02,507 --> 00:23:03,925
♪ Man to animal ♪
411
00:23:04,009 --> 00:23:06,344
♪ There would be no animosity ♪
412
00:23:07,470 --> 00:23:10,140
♪ If I could walk with the animals ♪
413
00:23:10,223 --> 00:23:12,308
♪ Talk with the animals ♪
414
00:23:12,392 --> 00:23:17,063
♪ Grunt and squeak and squawk
With the animals ♪
415
00:23:17,147 --> 00:23:21,735
♪ And they could talk to me ♪
416
00:23:21,818 --> 00:23:26,698
Uh, excuse me, Roger,
but aren't you also 007, James Bond?
417
00:23:26,781 --> 00:23:27,824
Well, sometimes.
418
00:23:27,907 --> 00:23:30,744
-Oh, I hope this is one of those times.
-Why?
419
00:23:30,827 --> 00:23:33,455
Because those new guys over there
are spies!
420
00:23:33,538 --> 00:23:36,916
Not spies, pies. I trod in one earlier.
421
00:23:38,752 --> 00:23:40,795
-Candygram.
-Aah!
422
00:23:42,547 --> 00:23:46,760
♪ I'll have a talk to the animals
Trade a thought or two ♪
423
00:23:46,843 --> 00:23:49,846
♪ In language I think they'll comprehend ♪
424
00:23:49,929 --> 00:23:53,350
♪ And to the music of Scarlatti
Some judo and karate ♪
425
00:23:53,433 --> 00:23:56,519
♪ I'll prove I'm strong enough
To make them bend ♪
426
00:23:56,603 --> 00:23:58,521
♪ Communication is what we need ♪
427
00:23:58,605 --> 00:24:01,858
♪ Then they'll understand
Things can always end up peacefully ♪
428
00:24:02,859 --> 00:24:06,613
♪ When I've explained to the animals
Brained all the animals ♪
429
00:24:06,696 --> 00:24:10,492
♪ Fought and taught and trained
All the animals ♪
430
00:24:10,575 --> 00:24:13,787
♪ They won't talk back to me ♪
431
00:24:19,334 --> 00:24:23,338
♪ Now that you've talked to the animals ♪
432
00:24:23,421 --> 00:24:24,964
♪ Who needs other tongues? ♪
433
00:24:25,048 --> 00:24:28,134
♪ I can speak your language fluently ♪
434
00:24:28,218 --> 00:24:31,012
♪ Now I can walk with the animals ♪
435
00:24:31,096 --> 00:24:33,223
♪ Talk to the animals ♪
436
00:24:33,306 --> 00:24:37,310
♪ Grunt and squeak and squawk
With the animals ♪
437
00:24:37,394 --> 00:24:41,481
♪ And they can talk to me ♪
438
00:24:43,108 --> 00:24:48,571
Are we going to talk?
I can understand every word you're saying.
439
00:24:48,655 --> 00:24:50,740
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
440
00:24:54,911 --> 00:24:57,414
And as we explode gently into the West,
441
00:24:57,497 --> 00:25:00,709
we hope you got as big a bang
out of tonight's show as we did.
442
00:25:02,377 --> 00:25:04,295
Uh, but before we go,
443
00:25:04,379 --> 00:25:08,341
let us say thank you to a very courageous
and brave and foolhardy guest,
444
00:25:08,425 --> 00:25:11,928
ladies and gentlemen, Roger Moore! Yay!
445
00:25:12,012 --> 00:25:14,097
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
446
00:25:16,307 --> 00:25:17,350
Thank you, Kermit.
447
00:25:17,434 --> 00:25:20,812
I've had a wonderful time,
and I have certainly learnt my lesson.
448
00:25:20,895 --> 00:25:22,605
Uh, well, what lesson is that?
449
00:25:22,689 --> 00:25:24,149
Well, from now on,
450
00:25:24,232 --> 00:25:26,860
I am through
with cute, cuddly little animals.
451
00:25:26,943 --> 00:25:28,528
[ALL SHOUTING]
452
00:25:28,611 --> 00:25:29,863
Thanks to this show,
453
00:25:29,946 --> 00:25:34,784
I shall stick to the sick, weird,
disgusting animals that I can trust.
454
00:25:35,827 --> 00:25:37,537
Well, that's all for now!
455
00:25:37,620 --> 00:25:40,498
We'll see you next time
on The Muppet Show.
456
00:25:40,582 --> 00:25:42,459
[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]
457
00:26:19,245 --> 00:26:21,706
Well, I guess I'll go talk to the animals.
458
00:26:21,790 --> 00:26:22,832
What animals?
459
00:26:22,916 --> 00:26:25,043
The wife and kids!
34128
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