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[KNOCK ON DOOR]
2
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Zero Mostel, 25 seconds, stand by.
3
00:00:05,505 --> 00:00:07,215
Mr. Mostel?
4
00:00:07,298 --> 00:00:10,719
-Hey, Fozzie, where's Mr. Mostel?
-He's in his dressing room eating.
5
00:00:10,802 --> 00:00:13,638
I'm not in my dressing room eating!
6
00:00:13,722 --> 00:00:16,474
I'm in my dressing room being eaten!
7
00:00:16,558 --> 00:00:18,643
[ZERO SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
8
00:00:28,111 --> 00:00:33,450
It's The Muppet Show, with our very
special guest star, Mr. Zero Mostel.
9
00:00:33,533 --> 00:00:35,618
[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]
10
00:00:47,130 --> 00:00:49,299
♪ It's time to play the music ♪
11
00:00:49,382 --> 00:00:51,468
♪ It's time to light the lights ♪
12
00:00:51,551 --> 00:00:55,305
♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
On The Muppet Show tonight ♪
13
00:00:55,930 --> 00:00:58,016
♪ It's time to put on makeup ♪
14
00:00:58,099 --> 00:01:00,226
♪ It's time to dress up right ♪
15
00:01:00,310 --> 00:01:02,145
♪ It's time to get things started ♪
16
00:01:02,228 --> 00:01:04,481
Oh, please let them be funny this once.
17
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♪ It's time to get things started
On the most sensational, inspirational ♪
18
00:01:08,985 --> 00:01:11,029
♪ Celebrational, Muppetational ♪
19
00:01:11,112 --> 00:01:13,823
♪ This is what we call ♪
20
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♪ The Muppet Show ♪
21
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[HONKING]
22
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Thank you.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,
23
00:01:31,424 --> 00:01:33,593
and welcome to The Muppet Show.
24
00:01:33,677 --> 00:01:36,554
Tonight's special guest star
has many talents.
25
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Let's see... He acts, he sings,
he dances, he does comedy,
26
00:01:39,808 --> 00:01:44,521
and they all add up to a great big zero
for Zero Mostel.
27
00:01:44,604 --> 00:01:48,525
But first, in an attempt to placate
the culture lovers of our audience...
28
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Oh, at last, at last.
29
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...and in the wings,
30
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uh, we open tonight's show
with a little classical music.
31
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Here is Chopin's "Polonaise in A-Flat."
32
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-Psst. Psst. Kermit. Kermit.
-What?
33
00:02:03,665 --> 00:02:06,001
The concert pianist could not make it.
34
00:02:06,084 --> 00:02:07,877
But I just introduced the Polonaise.
35
00:02:07,961 --> 00:02:11,548
That's okay.
Here, I got a whole new intro written.
36
00:02:11,631 --> 00:02:14,259
Read that. Good luck, kid.
37
00:02:14,342 --> 00:02:15,927
Let's see, uh... Oh.
38
00:02:16,011 --> 00:02:19,305
Ladies and gentlemen,
Chopin's "Polonaise in A-Flat,"
39
00:02:19,389 --> 00:02:21,307
as performed by...
40
00:02:21,391 --> 00:02:22,684
Dr. Teeth?
41
00:02:22,767 --> 00:02:24,394
What?
42
00:02:24,477 --> 00:02:26,521
[BAND PLAYING FUNK MUSIC]
43
00:02:34,529 --> 00:02:36,614
Yeah, yeah!
44
00:02:39,784 --> 00:02:41,661
[LAUGHS]
45
00:02:46,583 --> 00:02:48,418
Oh, yeah.
46
00:02:53,465 --> 00:02:56,217
Oh, honk it, honk it.
47
00:03:00,638 --> 00:03:02,891
Yeah! Yeah!
48
00:03:11,274 --> 00:03:12,984
Yeah!
49
00:03:14,027 --> 00:03:15,320
[LAUGHS]
50
00:03:17,072 --> 00:03:19,532
Chopin!
51
00:03:19,616 --> 00:03:22,577
Chopin!
52
00:03:25,789 --> 00:03:29,084
Okay! Cooking, cooking!
53
00:03:31,503 --> 00:03:32,587
Oh, yeah!
54
00:03:32,671 --> 00:03:37,926
Chopin! Chopin! Chopin!
55
00:03:39,302 --> 00:03:41,846
You know, I'm really gonna enjoy tonight.
56
00:03:41,930 --> 00:03:43,890
You plan to like this show?
57
00:03:43,973 --> 00:03:45,892
No, I plan to watch television.
58
00:03:45,975 --> 00:03:48,103
[BOTH LAUGH]
59
00:03:48,186 --> 00:03:51,481
Okay, good old Chopin.
You can't beat the classics.
60
00:03:51,564 --> 00:03:53,858
You can only destroy them.
61
00:03:53,942 --> 00:03:55,944
-Hey, Frogius amphibius.
-Yeah?
62
00:03:56,027 --> 00:03:58,822
Don't forget today is payday.
63
00:03:58,905 --> 00:04:02,367
Ah! Payday! Payday!
64
00:04:02,450 --> 00:04:06,162
Payday again? It was payday last year.
65
00:04:06,246 --> 00:04:08,748
Seems to be getting to be a habit
around here.
66
00:04:08,832 --> 00:04:11,960
Well, I'll see
what's in the old cash box here.
67
00:04:13,211 --> 00:04:16,131
What's that? Three moths and a washer.
68
00:04:16,214 --> 00:04:18,466
That's more than we usually have.
69
00:04:18,550 --> 00:04:21,344
Oh, where am I going to
get the payroll money?
70
00:04:21,428 --> 00:04:23,388
Oh, how much do you need, Kermit?
71
00:04:23,471 --> 00:04:26,016
Oh, Scooter, 27 dollars and 14 cents.
72
00:04:26,099 --> 00:04:27,892
Wow. That's high finance.
73
00:04:27,976 --> 00:04:29,060
[PHONE RINGS]
74
00:04:29,144 --> 00:04:30,353
Oh, I'll get it.
75
00:04:31,396 --> 00:04:33,732
Hello? Oh, hi, Uncle J.P.
76
00:04:33,815 --> 00:04:35,734
That's Scooter's uncle, J.P. Grosse,
77
00:04:35,817 --> 00:04:38,570
the bloodless old tightwad
who owns this theater.
78
00:04:38,653 --> 00:04:40,030
Yeah, yeah.
79
00:04:40,113 --> 00:04:44,117
Well, listen, uh,
could you put your cigar out, please?
80
00:04:44,200 --> 00:04:46,870
Thanks. Oh, everything's fine.
81
00:04:46,953 --> 00:04:50,248
Yeah, except Kermit needs money
to make the payroll.
82
00:04:50,331 --> 00:04:51,666
Uh-huh.
83
00:04:51,750 --> 00:04:53,418
Uh-huh.
84
00:04:53,501 --> 00:04:54,919
Uh-huh.
85
00:04:55,003 --> 00:04:56,504
Uh-huh.
86
00:04:57,672 --> 00:04:59,090
What'd he say?
87
00:04:59,174 --> 00:05:01,509
-He said, "Uh-huh."
-Terrific.
88
00:05:01,593 --> 00:05:03,219
-If...
-If what?
89
00:05:03,303 --> 00:05:06,556
If you put some good old-fashioned
entertainment back into the show.
90
00:05:06,639 --> 00:05:09,184
-Oh. You mean like an Irish tenor?
-No.
91
00:05:09,267 --> 00:05:10,643
A dog act?
92
00:05:10,727 --> 00:05:13,146
Jugglers? Spoon players? What?
93
00:05:13,229 --> 00:05:15,023
Lady wrestlers.
94
00:05:16,066 --> 00:05:19,444
Terrific. I was afraid
he wanted something tasteless.
95
00:05:19,527 --> 00:05:20,653
[GULPS]
96
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Now it's time for our special guest
to do something special.
97
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Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Zero Mostel.
98
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[BAND PLAYING REGAL BAROQUE MUSIC]
99
00:05:42,676 --> 00:05:46,096
♪ What do the simple folk do ♪
100
00:05:47,180 --> 00:05:50,350
♪ To help them escape when they're blue? ♪
101
00:05:51,893 --> 00:05:56,648
♪ The shepherd who is ailing
The milkmaid who is glum ♪
102
00:05:56,731 --> 00:06:01,444
♪ The cobbler who is wailing
While nailing his thumb ♪
103
00:06:01,528 --> 00:06:04,739
♪ When they're beset and besieged ♪
104
00:06:05,782 --> 00:06:10,370
♪ The folk not noblessly obliged ♪
105
00:06:10,453 --> 00:06:14,749
♪ However do they manage
To shed their weary lot? ♪
106
00:06:14,833 --> 00:06:21,756
♪ Oh, what do simple folk do ♪
107
00:06:21,840 --> 00:06:23,299
♪ We do not? ♪
108
00:06:24,718 --> 00:06:28,888
♪ Once, along the road
I came upon a lad ♪
109
00:06:28,972 --> 00:06:33,560
♪ Singing in a voice
Three times his size ♪
110
00:06:33,643 --> 00:06:38,023
♪ When I asked him why
He told me he was sad ♪
111
00:06:38,106 --> 00:06:42,152
♪ And singing always made
His spirits rise ♪
112
00:06:42,235 --> 00:06:48,992
♪ So that's what simple folk do ♪
113
00:06:49,075 --> 00:06:51,202
♪ I surmise ♪
114
00:06:51,286 --> 00:06:52,954
♪ They sing? ♪
115
00:06:53,455 --> 00:06:54,622
♪ I surmise ♪
116
00:06:57,250 --> 00:06:59,961
[SINGING OPERATICALLY
IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
117
00:07:14,309 --> 00:07:16,394
[BARKING]
118
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[HOWLING]
119
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[OPERATICALLY]
♪ Oh! ♪
120
00:07:39,626 --> 00:07:43,922
♪ What else do the simple folk do? ♪
121
00:07:44,964 --> 00:07:48,551
♪ They must have a system or two ♪
122
00:07:49,594 --> 00:07:54,140
♪ They obviously outshine us
At turning tears to mirth ♪
123
00:07:54,224 --> 00:07:59,145
♪ Have tricks His Royal Highness
Is minus from birth ♪
124
00:07:59,229 --> 00:08:03,316
♪ What, then, I wonder, do they ♪
125
00:08:03,400 --> 00:08:07,529
♪ To chase all the goblins away? ♪
126
00:08:07,987 --> 00:08:12,283
♪ They have some tribal sorcery
You haven't mentioned yet ♪
127
00:08:12,367 --> 00:08:19,374
♪ Oh, what do simple folk do ♪
128
00:08:19,457 --> 00:08:21,126
♪ To forget? ♪
129
00:08:22,335 --> 00:08:26,631
♪ Often, I am told
They dance a fiery dance ♪
130
00:08:26,715 --> 00:08:30,218
♪ And whirl
Till they're completely uncontrolled ♪
131
00:08:30,301 --> 00:08:31,386
Extraordinary!
132
00:08:31,469 --> 00:08:35,640
♪ Soon the mind is blank
And all are in a trance ♪
133
00:08:35,724 --> 00:08:39,811
♪ A violent trance astounding to behold ♪
134
00:08:39,894 --> 00:08:45,525
♪ And that's what simple folk do ♪
135
00:08:45,608 --> 00:08:46,818
♪ They dance? ♪
136
00:08:46,901 --> 00:08:48,319
♪ So I'm told ♪
137
00:09:20,435 --> 00:09:24,522
♪ What else do the simple folk do ♪
138
00:09:25,607 --> 00:09:29,652
♪ To help them escape when they're blue? ♪
139
00:09:30,528 --> 00:09:36,326
♪ They sit around and wonder
What royal folk would do ♪
140
00:09:36,409 --> 00:09:43,667
♪ And that's what simple folk do ♪
141
00:09:43,750 --> 00:09:44,793
♪ Really? ♪
142
00:09:44,876 --> 00:09:47,504
♪ I have it on the best authority ♪
143
00:09:47,587 --> 00:09:51,007
BOTH:
♪ Yes, that's ♪
144
00:09:51,091 --> 00:09:58,390
♪ What simple folk do ♪
145
00:09:58,473 --> 00:10:01,309
Your Serene Highness.
146
00:10:01,393 --> 00:10:02,644
[DOG SLURPS]
147
00:10:13,321 --> 00:10:15,156
Yeah, what's the name of this movie?
148
00:10:15,240 --> 00:10:17,242
Beach Blanket Frankenstein.
149
00:10:17,325 --> 00:10:19,661
-Mm. Awful.
-Terrible film.
150
00:10:19,744 --> 00:10:23,248
Yeah, well, we could watch
The Muppet Show instead.
151
00:10:24,833 --> 00:10:26,584
-Mm.
-Mm-mm.
152
00:10:26,668 --> 00:10:29,295
-Wonderful.
-Terrific film.
153
00:10:29,963 --> 00:10:33,299
Where am I gonna find a couple
of lady wrestlers at this late date?
154
00:10:33,383 --> 00:10:35,510
Hello, Killer Katie, Terror of Toledo?
155
00:10:35,593 --> 00:10:38,054
How'd you like to work
on The Muppet Show tonight?
156
00:10:38,138 --> 00:10:41,975
I see. Transcendental meditation.
Well, that's too bad.
157
00:10:42,058 --> 00:10:43,226
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
158
00:10:43,309 --> 00:10:44,686
-Now what?
-Ugh.
159
00:10:44,769 --> 00:10:47,063
-Hey, Animal, would you get the door?
-Wha?
160
00:10:47,147 --> 00:10:48,898
Would you get the door? Get the door.
161
00:10:48,982 --> 00:10:51,943
Ah, get the door.
162
00:10:52,027 --> 00:10:53,820
Maybe I could try Mother the Mauler.
163
00:10:53,903 --> 00:10:55,613
[DOOR CLATTERS]
164
00:10:55,697 --> 00:10:57,782
[GRUNTING]
165
00:10:58,867 --> 00:11:00,326
Here door.
166
00:11:00,410 --> 00:11:01,745
[CRASH]
167
00:11:04,998 --> 00:11:09,419
My, what a dynamic doorman you have here.
168
00:11:11,296 --> 00:11:14,007
[BALLROOM DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]
169
00:11:16,593 --> 00:11:20,263
How was your tennis game today?
Have a rough match?
170
00:11:20,347 --> 00:11:22,640
I see you did.
171
00:11:24,267 --> 00:11:26,436
-Do you play tennis?
-Oh, of course.
172
00:11:26,519 --> 00:11:28,772
-How's your backhand?
-Fair.
173
00:11:28,855 --> 00:11:32,484
-How's your forehand?
-Oh, they're terrific.
174
00:11:34,527 --> 00:11:38,281
You say you watched
six tennis matches today?
175
00:11:38,365 --> 00:11:40,283
How do you feel?
176
00:11:40,367 --> 00:11:43,161
Uh, fine, just fine.
177
00:11:44,829 --> 00:11:48,458
-What'd you do today?
-Just spent the day in court.
178
00:11:50,502 --> 00:11:54,506
My tennis instructor says
I've been using too small a racket.
179
00:11:54,589 --> 00:11:57,509
Oh, why not get a big racket?
180
00:11:57,592 --> 00:12:00,595
-You say you want a big racket?
-Yeah.
181
00:12:00,679 --> 00:12:02,013
[DYNAMITE EXPLODES]
182
00:12:06,476 --> 00:12:08,687
Excuse me, Kermit, may I speak with you?
183
00:12:08,770 --> 00:12:10,438
Sure, Sam. What you want?
184
00:12:10,522 --> 00:12:13,525
I think you know why I am here.
185
00:12:13,608 --> 00:12:15,652
Well, actually, Sam,
to tell you the truth,
186
00:12:15,735 --> 00:12:17,487
I've never known why you're here.
187
00:12:17,570 --> 00:12:19,948
I feel my job is to make sure
188
00:12:20,031 --> 00:12:24,994
this program is morally upright
and cultural and wholesome.
189
00:12:25,495 --> 00:12:28,248
You got your work cut out for you, bird.
190
00:12:30,125 --> 00:12:34,838
Now THAT was unwholesome!
THAT was not cultural!
191
00:12:34,921 --> 00:12:38,675
Uh... uh, fine, fine.
But what can I do for you, Sam?
192
00:12:38,758 --> 00:12:42,971
I want to know who is going to be
on tonight's show.
193
00:12:43,054 --> 00:12:45,849
Oh, well, let's see,
tonight's show is very classy,
194
00:12:45,932 --> 00:12:47,851
it's very highbrow, you'll like this show.
195
00:12:47,934 --> 00:12:49,936
Ah, good. Yes, yes. Tell me more.
196
00:12:50,020 --> 00:12:52,355
Let's see. We got...
Fozzie is doing a pantomime
197
00:12:52,439 --> 00:12:54,232
-with Zero Mostel.
-Mm-hmm, mm-hmm...
198
00:12:54,315 --> 00:12:56,818
-Got a musical number...
-Musical number? Good, good.
199
00:12:56,901 --> 00:12:59,320
...with Zoot and Rowlf.
And then of course we've got...
200
00:12:59,779 --> 00:13:01,698
Uh, we got the lady, uh...
201
00:13:02,532 --> 00:13:04,200
[MUTTERS]
...the lady wrestlers.
202
00:13:05,744 --> 00:13:06,870
The what?
203
00:13:06,953 --> 00:13:08,997
Uh... Oh, nothing, Sam. It's just...
204
00:13:09,080 --> 00:13:12,000
We got, uh, some lady, uh...
[MUTTERS] lady wrestlers.
205
00:13:12,083 --> 00:13:15,045
Stand by for the pantomime number!
206
00:13:15,128 --> 00:13:16,796
Lady what?
207
00:13:19,049 --> 00:13:21,009
Lady wrest... [WHISPERS]
208
00:13:21,092 --> 00:13:23,636
-Wrest, what?
-...lers.
209
00:13:25,138 --> 00:13:30,685
Lady wrestlers! Lady wrestlers!
210
00:13:30,769 --> 00:13:33,855
-You don't understand--
-Have we no shame?
211
00:13:34,773 --> 00:13:39,110
Ugh! Kermit, something, something
must be done here.
212
00:13:39,194 --> 00:13:40,904
-Yeah, but...
-Someone must work
213
00:13:40,987 --> 00:13:43,531
for integrity and decency.
214
00:13:43,615 --> 00:13:45,950
Someone, someone must do this.
215
00:13:46,034 --> 00:13:48,620
I shall continue to speak out,
216
00:13:48,703 --> 00:13:52,248
knowing someday
I will get my just desserts.
217
00:13:52,332 --> 00:13:55,377
Uh, Sam, you will someday
get your just desserts.
218
00:13:59,214 --> 00:14:00,632
What was that?
219
00:14:00,715 --> 00:14:02,384
Just dessert.
220
00:14:06,096 --> 00:14:10,016
The road is long. The path is steep.
221
00:14:11,685 --> 00:14:13,019
[FREQUENCY HUMS]
222
00:14:13,103 --> 00:14:16,189
Oh, Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
here at Muppet Labs,
223
00:14:16,272 --> 00:14:18,983
where the future is being made today.
224
00:14:19,067 --> 00:14:22,737
Well, we've had a major breakthrough
here at the laboratory.
225
00:14:22,821 --> 00:14:23,947
Beaker, come on in
226
00:14:24,030 --> 00:14:27,450
and let's show them
Muppet Labs' brand-new magnetic carrots.
227
00:14:27,534 --> 00:14:30,370
Come on, Beaker.
Just pick up the lid there.
228
00:14:30,453 --> 00:14:31,496
[BEAKER WHIMPERS]
229
00:14:31,579 --> 00:14:32,956
It's all right.
230
00:14:33,039 --> 00:14:35,583
Isn't that snazzy?
231
00:14:35,667 --> 00:14:38,628
These carrots are perfectly ordinary
in every way
232
00:14:38,712 --> 00:14:40,296
except that they are magnetic.
233
00:14:40,380 --> 00:14:41,548
[BEAKER GASPS]
234
00:14:41,631 --> 00:14:44,718
Yes, friends, you can carry
these new magnetic carrots home
235
00:14:44,801 --> 00:14:48,972
on the roof of your car and store them
on the ceiling of your refrigerator.
236
00:14:49,055 --> 00:14:53,476
Oh, of course, to be perfectly honest,
there is one slight drawback.
237
00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:58,314
Sometimes the magnetic carrots
tend to attract steel, uh, rabbits.
238
00:14:58,398 --> 00:14:59,482
Huh?
239
00:15:07,407 --> 00:15:09,617
Tune in next time for news of our research
240
00:15:09,701 --> 00:15:14,122
into the feasibility
of cast-iron watchdogs.
241
00:15:15,248 --> 00:15:16,624
Beaker.
242
00:15:16,708 --> 00:15:19,544
Ah, let's switch channels.
This show is dull.
243
00:15:19,627 --> 00:15:21,254
You bet.
244
00:15:22,714 --> 00:15:24,299
What is that?
245
00:15:24,382 --> 00:15:28,762
It looks like two ancient old guys sitting
in a theater box watching television.
246
00:15:28,845 --> 00:15:32,682
That's crazy.
No one would watch junk like that.
247
00:15:35,185 --> 00:15:38,271
-Uh, excuse me, Mr. Mostel.
-Yes?
248
00:15:38,355 --> 00:15:40,607
I am Sam the Eagle. I am the--
249
00:15:40,690 --> 00:15:43,401
-I'm so glad to know you.
-Mm, yes, glad to know you.
250
00:15:43,485 --> 00:15:47,447
I am the upholder of decency and dignity
for this show.
251
00:15:47,530 --> 00:15:49,574
-Are you really?
-Mm, yes.
252
00:15:49,657 --> 00:15:54,579
I believe this program is trivial
253
00:15:54,662 --> 00:15:58,333
and not fit for family viewing.
254
00:15:59,542 --> 00:16:03,463
It is...
It is disgracefully lacking in culture.
255
00:16:03,546 --> 00:16:08,009
-It is disgracefully lacking in culture.
-Mm, I'm glad you agree with me, yes.
256
00:16:08,093 --> 00:16:12,597
I, personally,
have always felt that this program
257
00:16:12,681 --> 00:16:14,599
must, must, I say,
258
00:16:14,683 --> 00:16:18,978
be cleansed of all nonsense and silliness.
259
00:16:19,062 --> 00:16:21,981
-Hmm. Don't you agree with me, sir?
-Of course.
260
00:16:22,065 --> 00:16:23,316
-Yes.
-Must be cleansed.
261
00:16:23,400 --> 00:16:27,237
Now, it seems to me
that you and I think alike.
262
00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:29,572
Oh. Well, it's been a pleasure...
263
00:16:29,656 --> 00:16:32,158
-A pleasure talking to you, sir...
-I'm happy to be here.
264
00:16:32,242 --> 00:16:34,911
-...a man of dignity.
-Dignity, always dignity.
265
00:16:34,994 --> 00:16:36,413
Dignity, dignity.
266
00:16:36,496 --> 00:16:38,164
[CAWING]
267
00:16:39,207 --> 00:16:41,459
-Ahem.
-I'm sorry to keep you waiting, ma'am.
268
00:16:41,543 --> 00:16:42,669
What can I do for you?
269
00:16:42,752 --> 00:16:45,964
As I understood,
you're looking for lady wrestlers.
270
00:16:46,047 --> 00:16:49,801
You see, I'm Granny the Gouger,
and I'd like to audition.
271
00:16:49,884 --> 00:16:51,428
-Uh, you wanna audition?
-Mm.
272
00:16:51,511 --> 00:16:54,139
That's very funny.
Is this some kind of a joke or something?
273
00:16:54,222 --> 00:16:55,974
Joke? Funny?
274
00:16:56,057 --> 00:16:59,602
Young man,
it's not nice to make fun of an old lady.
275
00:16:59,686 --> 00:17:02,439
You're going to be old yourself someday.
276
00:17:02,522 --> 00:17:03,606
[KERMIT YELLS]
277
00:17:04,858 --> 00:17:07,569
And when that day comes,
278
00:17:07,652 --> 00:17:12,157
you're going to be sorry
you weren't nicer to Granny.
279
00:17:13,199 --> 00:17:15,785
I think I'm sorry already.
280
00:17:17,203 --> 00:17:19,289
[PLAYING MELANCHOLY JAZZ MUSIC]
281
00:17:53,406 --> 00:17:54,699
[COUGHS]
282
00:18:00,163 --> 00:18:01,581
[COUGHING]
283
00:18:02,749 --> 00:18:04,959
[COUGHING]
284
00:18:21,518 --> 00:18:23,603
[BOTH COUGHING]
285
00:18:39,494 --> 00:18:42,831
Late, late at night
The world sleeps
286
00:18:42,914 --> 00:18:44,666
[SNORING]
287
00:18:44,749 --> 00:18:47,002
And I am here alone
288
00:18:47,085 --> 00:18:49,546
And here I come some nights
289
00:18:49,629 --> 00:18:52,257
To confront my fears
290
00:18:52,340 --> 00:18:54,426
[CREATURES GROWLING]
291
00:18:55,677 --> 00:18:59,848
They're here, my fears
They are always with me
292
00:18:59,931 --> 00:19:03,101
Lurking, scurrying, hiding and waiting
293
00:19:03,184 --> 00:19:04,477
They come!
294
00:19:04,561 --> 00:19:06,062
And they go
295
00:19:07,147 --> 00:19:11,818
But though they are gone
They are never far
296
00:19:11,901 --> 00:19:14,904
And here, alone at night
297
00:19:14,988 --> 00:19:16,990
I can confront them
298
00:19:21,453 --> 00:19:24,330
There they are, confronted fears
299
00:19:24,414 --> 00:19:26,833
Fears of hunger, fears of pain-- Ow!
300
00:19:26,916 --> 00:19:29,711
Fears of missing the last train
301
00:19:29,794 --> 00:19:31,963
Fear of dentists always drilling
302
00:19:32,047 --> 00:19:35,050
Fear that no one will be willing
303
00:19:35,133 --> 00:19:38,303
To see me as I know I really am
304
00:19:38,386 --> 00:19:41,681
Once they are counted and compelled
305
00:19:41,765 --> 00:19:43,641
They can quickly be dispelled-- Ah!
306
00:19:45,310 --> 00:19:50,899
Like figments of my own imagination
307
00:19:52,359 --> 00:19:56,738
But always, there are other fears
308
00:19:58,782 --> 00:20:01,242
Fears of snakes, fears of cats
309
00:20:01,326 --> 00:20:03,495
Fears of maître d's and rats
310
00:20:03,578 --> 00:20:09,292
An irrational black terror
That someday I may get fat
311
00:20:10,335 --> 00:20:15,215
Fear of elevators falling
And the taxman someday calling
312
00:20:15,298 --> 00:20:20,345
And the accidental walling of myself
313
00:20:20,428 --> 00:20:26,017
Up inside a clammy, dank old dingy cellar
314
00:20:26,101 --> 00:20:29,729
Where the spiders weave around my tummy
315
00:20:29,813 --> 00:20:36,569
And the worms and bugs and crawly things
Squirm and squiggle at my person
316
00:20:36,653 --> 00:20:38,321
Ooh, oh, oh!
317
00:20:38,405 --> 00:20:40,240
Oh, I love it!
318
00:20:40,323 --> 00:20:43,326
Once they are counted and compelled
319
00:20:43,410 --> 00:20:45,995
They can quickly be dispelled-- Ah!
320
00:20:47,247 --> 00:20:48,957
But then
321
00:20:50,375 --> 00:20:52,877
There are other fears
322
00:20:52,961 --> 00:20:55,839
Fears of bullets, there's a dread
323
00:20:55,922 --> 00:20:58,341
Fear of baldness on the head
324
00:20:58,425 --> 00:21:03,805
Fear of waking up one morning
To discover that you are dead
325
00:21:03,888 --> 00:21:06,683
Once they are counted and compelled
326
00:21:06,766 --> 00:21:09,227
They can quickly be dispelled-- Ah!
327
00:21:10,770 --> 00:21:15,191
Like figments of my own imagination
328
00:21:15,275 --> 00:21:18,945
Then there is the last fear
329
00:21:19,029 --> 00:21:22,240
Just about the time I'm past fear
330
00:21:22,323 --> 00:21:25,243
The one that really is final
331
00:21:25,326 --> 00:21:28,830
It will come, yours and mine'II
332
00:21:28,913 --> 00:21:33,209
In the darkest of the night
It will come without a fight
333
00:21:33,293 --> 00:21:38,089
It will count me and compel me
334
00:21:38,173 --> 00:21:41,718
It will casually dispel me
335
00:21:41,801 --> 00:21:43,261
[MONSTER CACKLES]
336
00:21:43,345 --> 00:21:49,142
ZERO: For I am just a figment
Of its own imagination
337
00:21:56,399 --> 00:21:57,650
Oh, look at that.
338
00:21:57,734 --> 00:21:58,902
The show's almost over
339
00:21:58,985 --> 00:22:02,072
and I still haven't found
another lady wrestler.
340
00:22:02,155 --> 00:22:06,159
Oh, where in the world am I gonna find
another heavyweight, aggressive,
341
00:22:06,242 --> 00:22:09,204
tough female with a killer's instinct?
342
00:22:09,287 --> 00:22:11,956
Hello, Kermit.
343
00:22:12,040 --> 00:22:14,084
Oh! Oh, hi, Miss Piggy.
344
00:22:14,167 --> 00:22:17,462
And, pray tell,
what is my wonderfulness doing?
345
00:22:17,545 --> 00:22:20,090
Oh, you see,
I was just thinking that you'd be perfect
346
00:22:20,173 --> 00:22:23,218
for a special spot in tonight's show.
347
00:22:23,301 --> 00:22:24,344
[GASPS]
348
00:22:24,427 --> 00:22:28,473
You have created a spot just for moi?
349
00:22:28,556 --> 00:22:31,851
Oh, tell me about it,
my little green ball of passion.
350
00:22:31,935 --> 00:22:33,103
-Uh...
-Yes, yes, yes.
351
00:22:33,186 --> 00:22:35,939
Yeah, well, you see,
this is a spot that requires an actress
352
00:22:36,022 --> 00:22:37,941
-with tremendous strength...
-Yes.
353
00:22:38,024 --> 00:22:40,026
-...uh, versatility...
-Yes.
354
00:22:40,110 --> 00:22:42,404
...uh, and someone who's all female.
355
00:22:42,487 --> 00:22:47,200
-Oh, oh, what is it? Joan of Arc?
-Uh, no.
356
00:22:47,283 --> 00:22:50,370
-Naughty Marietta?
-Well, no.
357
00:22:50,453 --> 00:22:53,206
Oh, Lady Macbeth.
358
00:22:53,289 --> 00:22:57,168
Well, it's more like a lady wrestler.
359
00:23:01,798 --> 00:23:05,301
Lady wrestler?
360
00:23:05,385 --> 00:23:06,886
Uh...
361
00:23:06,970 --> 00:23:10,765
Well, yeah,
it's the sort of thing where you, uh...
362
00:23:10,849 --> 00:23:13,226
You have to have the ability to...
363
00:23:13,309 --> 00:23:14,728
I mean, wrestlers are--
364
00:23:14,811 --> 00:23:16,146
Lady wrestler?!
365
00:23:16,229 --> 00:23:18,314
[BOTH SCREAMING]
366
00:23:22,360 --> 00:23:25,321
-What do you make of that, man?
-Ten-to-1 on the pig.
367
00:23:25,405 --> 00:23:27,407
[PIGGY SCREAMING]
368
00:23:28,450 --> 00:23:29,617
-Right.
-Aah!
369
00:23:29,701 --> 00:23:31,411
PIGGY:
Lady wrestler?!
370
00:23:32,620 --> 00:23:34,456
[PLAYING ROCK BEAT]
371
00:23:34,539 --> 00:23:36,624
[ROARING]
372
00:23:39,586 --> 00:23:40,628
[ROARING]
373
00:23:46,926 --> 00:23:49,012
[GRUNTING]
374
00:23:52,557 --> 00:23:54,642
[YELLING]
375
00:23:59,064 --> 00:24:01,816
Tonight we're gonna present you
with a cultural demonstration
376
00:24:01,900 --> 00:24:04,444
of female grace and dexterity.
377
00:24:04,527 --> 00:24:07,447
So here they are,
direct from the Bali Hai Bowl-A-Drome,
378
00:24:07,530 --> 00:24:10,367
Granny the Gouger
and the Mysterious Ms. Mask!
379
00:24:10,450 --> 00:24:12,827
One fall, no holds barred.
380
00:24:12,911 --> 00:24:14,996
[GRANNY GRUNTING]
381
00:24:20,960 --> 00:24:24,089
Hope your insurance is paid, frog.
382
00:24:25,924 --> 00:24:27,050
[BELL RINGS]
383
00:24:27,133 --> 00:24:28,677
Okay.
384
00:24:28,760 --> 00:24:30,512
[CROWD CHEERING]
385
00:24:30,595 --> 00:24:32,097
Come on, now.
386
00:24:32,180 --> 00:24:34,265
[GRANNY MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY]
387
00:24:36,184 --> 00:24:37,268
Hi-yah!
388
00:24:39,854 --> 00:24:40,855
Hi-yah!
389
00:24:42,857 --> 00:24:45,485
[CROWD BOOING]
390
00:24:51,783 --> 00:24:53,034
[CHUCKLES]
391
00:24:54,744 --> 00:24:57,247
Alley-oop!
392
00:25:00,417 --> 00:25:02,502
Well, you'd better give up, frog.
393
00:25:02,585 --> 00:25:04,629
What, and leave show business?
394
00:25:05,547 --> 00:25:07,340
[LAUGHS]
395
00:25:07,424 --> 00:25:09,634
What did you do to my frog?
396
00:25:09,718 --> 00:25:11,678
-Hmm?
-I'll show you.
397
00:25:11,761 --> 00:25:13,638
-Hi-yah!
-Oh!
398
00:25:13,722 --> 00:25:16,433
[CROWD CHEERING]
399
00:25:16,516 --> 00:25:17,767
WOMAN:
Encore!
400
00:25:19,352 --> 00:25:21,521
Well, that's about it
for another Muppet Show.
401
00:25:21,604 --> 00:25:25,108
Some of us have taken great pains
to bring you this show.
402
00:25:25,191 --> 00:25:28,111
But right now
I'd like to thank our special guest star,
403
00:25:28,194 --> 00:25:30,363
who has joined the ranks
of the Muppet monsters,
404
00:25:30,447 --> 00:25:31,531
Mr. Zero Mostel!
405
00:25:31,614 --> 00:25:33,241
Come on out.
406
00:25:33,324 --> 00:25:35,785
[ZERO & MONSTERS GROWLING]
407
00:25:35,869 --> 00:25:39,247
Oh, no, now, you stop that, Mr. Mostel.
408
00:25:39,330 --> 00:25:40,623
Uh, well, that's about it.
409
00:25:40,707 --> 00:25:43,543
We'll see you all next time
on The Muppet Show.
410
00:25:43,626 --> 00:25:45,587
Must there be a next time?
411
00:25:45,670 --> 00:25:47,505
[ALL CHATTERING]
412
00:25:47,589 --> 00:25:49,674
[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]
413
00:26:22,749 --> 00:26:24,501
Well, what do you think of television?
414
00:26:24,584 --> 00:26:25,960
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLES]
415
00:26:26,044 --> 00:26:28,088
Shocking, isn't it? Ha-ha-ha.
416
00:26:28,171 --> 00:26:29,964
[YELLING]
30157
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