All language subtitles for Repossessed.1080p.BluRay.x264-GUACAMOLE

I am Satan,
king of all that is evil.

In the name of God almighty,
I cast ye back to hell!

I command thy putrid spirit be
banished from this child's soul.

Never! The girl is mine!
Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine.

- Don't you stick your tongue out at me!
- Aw, I'll do what I damn well please.

- Stop your cursing!
- Make me, slime ball.

I am a priest!

Oh, pardon me, your
reverend and holy slime ball.

- How about these, pops?
- I command you, close your blouse!

Watch this, bud.

Put down that crucifix!

Ohh, I love it!

Stop it! I command you:
Be gone, Satan!

Be gone, demon!

No!

Mother! Mother!

Mother!

Father, is it all over?

Is Nancy all right?

Bless you.

Father, how can I
possibly thank you?

- Mayii?
- Aah!

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Aah! Ha, ah, ha!

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Ew! Ooh!

Ooh, ooh! Aah!

Aah!

Ooh.

I'll be back!

Ooh!

Oh, shit.

Ooh.

- Ah, Adams?
- Here.

- Blaine?
- Yes, Father.

- Grigsby?
- Here, Father.

Good day to you.
I am Father Mayii.

And I would like to
welcome you to the seminar.

I am here to discuss an incident
in my life that first destroyed,

and then renewed my
belief in divine intervention.

17 years ago,

a young girl was a victim of an
episode of demonic possession,

and I was called in
to rescue her soul.

Now, that battle left me
broken physically, and mentally.

But recently, my faith
has been renewed.

And I believe that even the
most cynical among you here

will find this story

inspiring.

Young lady, would you
pull down your dress?

Sure.

Up!

Ooh.

I had long since lost
track of the child Nancy.

She had grown to
womanhood and got married,

and had settled down with her
husband and 2 lovely children,

in a picturesque neighborhood with
playful children and picket fences,

and lots of Caucasians.

So, for the fifth time,
this charity match

between the Pro Hockey All-Stars, and Peggy
Hamill's Pals On Ice has turned ugly, Dan.

Yeah, and it was Rusty The
Rooster who started it all with his-

...for another episode of
"Bride's Head Revisited".

At last.

My dear, sweet, loving bride!

Oh, my darling!

Okay, kids, dinner's
almost ready!

Turn off the TV!

What are we having?

Oh, your favorite...
Prime ribs, sweet potatoes, green beans

and split pea soup.

- Not again!
- Oh, mom!

I hate split pea soup!

You know we hate it.

Mom, we hate it!

I said they were
lovely children.

At this point, they had
not taken acting lessons.

Really, mom, I want
to change my name.

All my girlfriends
think it's dorky.

Oh, honey, but Frieda
is such a nice name.

Not my first name.
My last name: Aglet.

Come on! What's it mean, anyway?

Well, Frieda, in the old days,

Aglet meant he who puts those tiny
plastic things on the end of shoelaces.

See, back then, a man's name
was the same as his occupation.

Oh, like a man named Fred
Carpenter would build houses?

- Mm-hmm.
- Or a Thomas Baker made bread?

- Exactly.
- So, what did John Hancock do?

Well, there were
some exceptions.

Here's Ernest and
Fanny Rae Weller.

Hey, bless you!

God bless you!

Welcome to Ernest and
Fanny's Miracle Hour.

I am Ernest.

And I'm Fanny.

Oh, and you all
know little Fufu.

Hi, Fufu!

Oh, Fufu says,
"God bless you, everyone."

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

We have a terrific line-up of
inspiration for you on this program.

As usual, we'll be reading some
passages from the good book.

And just possibly, we will heal some
of our sickly, and/or crippled followers.

And you know, Ernest, Fufu
just loves when you heal people.

Fufu is a good dog.

Why, you little shit!

Zu. Shih-tzu.

Ahh.

- I don't want to watch this!
- No, way!

Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Come on, now.

Okay, okay. I'll change it.

Why, you little Fufu.

That's strange.

I don't know, maybe
the batteries are dead.

I'll change them myself.

We're going to defeat
the mightiest evil of all.

The devil himself!

Never forget that Satan constantly
surrounds us, with but one goal in mind:

To steal your soul!

Silence!

One more word out of
you little sacks of shit,

and there'll be no
more TV for you tonight!

Ha, ha, ha, ha!

Ahh.

Oh! Ooh! Ooh.

Oh! Oh, kids, I'm so sorry!

I don't know what came over me!

Oh!

20 bucks says it's P.M.S.

Make it stop! Make it stop!

Aah! Make it stop!

Aah! Make it stop!

I hate that control.

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.

Hey, don't be so
hard on yourself.

I should've ducked.

You have this thing checked out
by Dr. Hackett tomorrow, okay?

Yep. Definitely P.M.S.

I had no idea that Satan
had entered Nancy's body.

And seized her soul once again.

As a matter of fact, at that
time, I was so burned-out.

As they say in California I couldn't
find my butt with both my hands.

I took a sabbatical,
and I traveled.

But no matter where I went, the memory
of that awful night kept haunting me.

Oh, honey, I forgot
to grab my purse.

- Let's go back.
- Oh, great.

Terrific.

- Ha, ha. Here?
- Yeah.

- Now?
- Yeah.

Oh, excuse me.
Are you getting off?

Dr. Fingers, please
report to proctology.

- Dr. Fingers.
- Oh, doctor? Dr. Hackett?

Uh, no. I'm not a doctor.

But I do play one on television.

That's why I recommend new
buffer caps for fast-acting, long relief.

You're lucky, Rick.

Not many amputees are fortunate
enough to receive a transplanted arm.

I know, but it's too bad that
wrestler had to die for me to get it.

Call for Dr. Hackett!

- Uh-oh. Got to go. See you in rehab.
- Sure doc.

Ooh!

- Oh, hello, Dr. Hackett.
- Hello, Nancy. Long time, no see.

So, uh, what seems
to be your problem?

Something came
over me last night.

I just felt such...
incredible anger.

And then, suddenly,
I vomited on my family.

Hmm.

Smooth or chunky?

Uh, smooth.

Oh, doctor, what could it be?

Possibly the flu. I just had a
couple of cases of it come in today.

I must admit that hospitals
have always frightened me.

Oh, Nancy, relax. Relax.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Hmm.

So, what's wrong with me?

Well, in a nutshell, I took a survey
of all the doctors gathered here.

When I tallied their
opinions, the survey said:

Good answer!

Good answer!

Good answer!

Oh, dear Lord, why?

I mean, after my exorcism, I, I've
strived to lead a good, clean, decent life.

I haven't done
anything morally wrong.

Oh, except watch
that Rob Lowe video.

Just give me a sign.

Oh, that's it!

Nancy reached out
for the guidance of God.

She discovered that
she was not the only one

walking the streets in search of
the path of penitence and truth.

God comforts even
the lowliest of them,

Even though they lack
any shred of intelligence.

The name's North, ma'am.

I have a reservation.

Let's see. Uh, yes. Mr. North.

How long has it been
since your last confession?

I don't recall, counsel.

Okay, uh, please follow me.

It was here she met Father Luke
Brophy, a dedicated young priest.

He who gives of himself

to someone other than himself

will find that he shall receive

from that someone.

Something that, that,
someone other than he.

Uh. Wait, um.

Okay, he

shall receive that which he gave

of himself, which, uh

I said he was dedicated.

I did not say he was articulate.

Look, just be
good to each other.

Ohh! Ahh!

With that in mind, I
will now ask our ushers

to please pass around
the donation basket.

Our church thanks you.

Father Brophy was
a man of integrity.

A man dedicated to his beliefs.

A man about 5' 10"
in his stocking feet.

It was Father Luke who would make
me once again come face-to-face

with my nightmares, and would introduce
me to some very interesting Armenian food.

As a matter of fact, it was at the
dinner table that he heard his mother say,

"Luke, always wipe the rim."

- Sister Brothers.
- Excuse me, Father.

While tallying the donations, I came upon
this note with your name written on it.

Thank you.

- Father Mayii?
- Yes, yes?

Is it true that priests and nuns
have orgies in the Vatican?

What?

Father Luke suffered from the burden
of self-doubt, always questioning himself.

Was he good
enough to be a priest?

Should he have
been a rabbi instead?

After all, they do
have Sundays off.

And the question that
nagged him the most:

Why weren't there any
Japanese players in the NBA?

Was it the hand of the almighty that
drew Luke to the phone that night?

Or had he just forgotten to leave
his answering machine on again?

Hello?

Father Brophy? Hi, this is Nancy Aglet.
I'm the one that left you that note today.

That's so strange.
I was just about to phone you.

I hope I'm not disturbing you.

I looked your name
up in the phone book.

That's okay. Now, what's this about
your having a religious problem?

Honey! Oh, sorry.

Have you seen my
nose hair clippers?

Um, they're in the, uh, cabinet.

Listen, I really can't talk
about this over the phone.

Is it possible you could come over
tonight, so we could speak privately?

Uh, well, you see, it's my, uh-

Please, Father.
It's very, very serious.

Sure. Where do you live?

I live at 733 Sex Drive.

Thank you. Good-bye.

Good-bye.

Hey, let's play with the
mystic spirit board, okay?

Enter, please.

Well, welcome, Father.
I'm Braydon Aglet.

- Hello.
- And these are my children Ned and Frieda.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Come on, dad, let's play!

- Okay.
- Come on, dad, please, let's play.

In a second.

Now, Nancy said
you'd be dropping by.

Something about her doing
some work with the church?

Uh, something like that, yes.

What should we
ask it first, dad?

Oh, well, uh. Well, there's
something I've always wanted to ask.

Will Ted Kennedy
ever become president?

Ho ho ho! I guess not, eh, kids?

Braydon,

I thought we'd spoken about
using that thing in this house.

I never want to see that
thing in this house again!

Ohh! Oh, I'm so sorry!

Ohh.

Father, maybe we could go in
the other room and speak privately?

Sure.

It was, it was very
nice meeting you.

I assume you don't want
your family knowing about this.

No, I don't.

No one knows what
happened to me in my past.

And what I believe is
happening to me now.

Okay, and what exactly is that?

I believe I'm being
possessed by the devil.

The devil?

Mrs. Aglet, are you under any
kind of psychiatric care at all?

I once gave my word never to show
anyone what you are about to see.

High school debating champion?

Papal seal of possession?

Signed by the pope?

Mrs.-

Mrs. Aglet, I apologize,
but I guess I've always felt

that these stories of demonic possession
were nothing more than religious folklore.

Why did you call me? Why didn't
you contact the exorcist, Father Maggi?

Mayii. Father Jedediah Mayii.

Well, they say he retired from
the church right after my exorcism.

What makes you think that
you're being possessed again?

Satan's spirit flew right out
of my TV set and into my soul.

Okay.

Oh, no, I know it sounds
crazy, but it must be true.

Father, please help me. Please!

I'll do whatever I can.

Here.

Take this.

It might help.

Uh, I, uh.

I got to go now, okay?

You're not going
anywhere, scuzzball!

Ah, ha, ha, ha, hal

Ha, ha, ha, ha!

This broad is mine!

Do you understand?
The broad is mine!

Dad! Mom's humping the priest!

Die! Die!

Holy-

- Honey!
- Die, you slug!

Die!

Here's the, uh, camera,

and the cassette
recorder that you asked for.

Thank you.

Father, what's going on here?

I mean, we just had to tie
my wife down to the bed.

I've never done anything
like that before in my life.

Well, except that one time
when the kids were away at camp.

Mr. Aglet, I don't know
what's wrong with your wife,

but I'll certainly do
all I can to find out.

Hello, Nancy.

I must say, you certainly don't look
anything like you did a few minutes ago.

I am the devil!

Well.

I guess that means that you and I have
gone from being friends to being enemies.

I am far more powerful
than you can ever imagine.

Maybe.

However, you are but one being.

I represent the belief
of far more people.

Did you know that the Christian
religion has over a billion followers?

Big deal.
So does the wheel of fortune.

So, don't try to impress
me with numbers.

I hate all forms of religion.

And I hate all who do
not bow in my presence,

no matter if they call
themselves a Baptist,

a Protestant, a
Catholic, or a Jew!

- Oh, God bless you.
- Silence!

Watch yourself, boy.

The last collar jockey who screwed with
me ended up with a dislocated shoulder.

You can't frighten me.

They found it in Baltimore.

By the way:

How would you like a little
souvenir from my last conquest?

Father Brophy,
meet Father Mayii.

I never thought that
looked like me, I, I-

Does that look like me?

I think it looks more
like Phil Donahue.

You silly, weak fool!

Putting so much faith in a God
you've never even seen before.

I don't need to see him, for the Bible
says that God created man in his own image.

Oh, yeah.

Then how do you
explain Pee-Wee Herman?

All right.

If you really are the devil,
then why don't you prove it?

How about you do
something supernatural?

Not impressed, huh?

Well, how about if I

make the film break?

Oh. Of, of course I love you.
Yeah.

This evening, 8:30.

Tonight? No, no.

No feathers.
We'll use the whole chicken.

Ahem.

Father Brophy
was very disturbed.

So, Father, what happened?

It may sound unbelievable,
but my guess is that Nancy is

possessed by the devil.

- Yeah, I knew it!
- He said it's only a guess!

I still say it's P.M.S.

As Father Brophy drove
from the Aglet home,

a great fear welled up
within him like a big sneeze.

You feel it build,
but you know you can't stop it

without making your ears plug up
and a bubble come out of your nose.

How could he, a young,
inexperienced priest,

do battle alone with
the dark Lord himself?

Then, it came to him
like a sign from heaven.

Hey, hey! I can't see nothing!
What are you doing up there?

- What's going on?
- Is that you? Hey, get up!

The young priest had read about
the exorcism I had performed in 1973

as well as my 17-year
decline into oblivion,

but he tried to call me anyway.

Strangely, my number
kept ringing busy.

Was it Satan's trickery at work?

Or was it just my party line?

If he had reached me, I would
have told him not to come.

I was weak and tired,

listless, out of sorts, and

my stools were a little loose.

- Sister, I'm looking for the room of-
- Hold out your hands.

Excuse me?

Hold out your hands.

Ow!

Don't run in the hallways!

Now, what do you need?

Which room is Father
Jedediah Mayii in?

Upstairs on the left.

Thank you.

Ah, ah, ah!

Ow!

A fierce tornado smashed its
way through an unpopulated,

uninhabited stretch
of barren desert today,

causing no noticeable
damage to an unspecified...

Yes?

Who is it?

Father Mayii?

Yes, you may.

Father, I'm Father Luke Brophy
from our lady of the evening.

I'm terribly sorry for
coming by so late,

but there's someone who
desperately needs you.

Someone you helped
a long time ago.

Someone I helped a long time ago?
Who?

- Nancy Aglet.
- I don't, uh, recall the name.

Well, then maybe
you'll recall her exorcism.

Oh, good Lord.

Oh!

Little Nancy Velsmo.

Oh, that poor child.

That poor child.

She barely survived
the exorcism, as did I.

And you say that
she needs my help?

I think Nancy has been...

Repossessed.

Repossessed?

Repossessed?

How can you be sure?

She's displaying
all the main traits:

An ungodly voice, maniacal
facial expressions, violent spasms-

But that doesn't prove a thing.

She could be
related to Joe Cocker.

- No.
- Could it be she has P.M.S.?

Father, I've seen her!

She's suffering from
something unholy.

Satan has taken her soul again!
You have to help her!

- I can't.
- But you must!

I can't!

I said it, damn you.

- Father, are you all right?
- It's my heart.

It began at Nancy's exorcism.

That's why I can't help you.

If Satan should find me
in this weakened condition,

he could take possession of my
soul and become even stronger.

- But if you can't help her, who can?
- I don't know.

I don't.

I don't.

But... good Lord, yes!

You could do it.

You're young. You're strong.

Luke...

It is your destiny.

There's no way.

You see, there's something
that I haven't told you.

I think I've lost my faith.

Luke!

I never want to hear you
say anything like that again.

Now, why...

Why don't you
look at it like this.

Maybe this is God's way
of reaffirming your faith.

While you're saving Nancy's soul, you're
also saving your own soul at the same time.

After all, God does work in
strange ways, doesn't he?

Yes. Yes, he does.

Good.

You've given me a lot
to think about, Father.

Good night, and, uh...

- God bless you.
- God bless you, son.

Now, you have a
great deal of work to do.

And Luke...

May the faith be with you.

And this just in.

Father Mayii has once again wormed
his way out of yet another exorcism.

- Father Mayii.
- Yes?

Wasn't it hard to live with yourself
after completely wimping out

and allowing a wuss like Father Luke
to go up against Satan all by himself?

I mean, didn't you feel
like a complete piece

of gutless, spineless,
primordial slime?

Next question.

Luke knew little about
the ritual of exorcism,

so he arranged for a meeting with the
supreme council for exorcism grantings.

You looking for Father Luke?

Wrong window.

He's four windows to your right.

His stomach was acting
up like a schnauzer in heat.

Would they believe him?

Would they mock him?

Would they validate his parking?

He turned to the
good book for comfort.

Father Brophy?

Please come in.

Father Brophy,
I am Father Crosby.

Father Stills,

Father Nash,

and Father Young.

Ho-o!

Does anyone know where-
Oh, there you are, Ernest.

I'm sure you know Ernest
and Fanny Rae Weller.

- Hello.
- Hello!

Oh, Fufu says hello, too!

Hi, Fufu!

Sit, sit, sit, sit, sit.

With all due respect, Father,
what are they doing here?

The Wellers are our guests.

It's all part of the interfaith exchange
program the church has adopted.

I see.

We understand that you
are presenting evidence

regarding possible
demonic possession.

Please begin.

And for these reasons I
feel an exorcism is warranted.

Do you have any further information
that we might want to consider?

Did I mention that Mrs. Aglet
also gave me a little head?

I pray you grant this exorcism.

If I may?

It is my opinion that he has indeed
proved that an exorcism is necessary.

Furthermore,

why don't we
televise this exorcism?

Hmm.

Come on.

Well, Mr. financial advisor.

What do you think of my plan?

Ever since your little midnight
liaisons with that boy's choir went public,

the ministry's contributions
have gone down dramatically.

Your plan better net six
million dollars in two weeks,

because if it doesn't,
the word on the street is...

Your ministry is history.

Aaron, why don't
you just lighten up.

Come on, now, go get the ball from daddy.
Come on! Ha, ha!

Oh, no. Oh, oh, Ernest!

Look what I did to my new dress!

And do you know how
much this cost our followers?

Oh, no, just look at this mess.

What am I gonna do?

Fufu?

Fufu?

Ernie, where's Fufu?

Bye, Fufu!

So, Mr. Weller.

They say you have a
great idea for my network.

Well, Mr. Tartastein, this special is
called Ernest and Fanny's Exorcism Tonight.

It will be broadcast live throughout
the entire world via satellite.

It will air continuously
until the final outcome.

All the commercial
proceeds go to your network.

And all the phone donations
come to my ministry.

You don't mind doing business
with the devil, do you, Mr. Tartastein?

Ha. Are you kidding?

How do you think Love
Boat got on the air?

- So, do we have a deal?
- We have a deal.

May Ernest and Fanny's Exorcism Tonight
be this network's biggest ratings bonanza!

- Father Mayii?
- Yes?

Have you adhered strictly
to your vow of celibacy?

Yes, I have.

Me, too.

I'm not surprised.

Mine was by choice.

Mrs. Aglet?

Heh, heh.

Hear my words, demon.

I will cast thee from
this poor woman's soul,

because thou art the prince of
darkness, the epitome of all evil.

Eat shit and die.

Let's see Geraldo
Rivera top this.

Wait till they get a load of me.

I had no way of knowing the forces of
evil were growing ever more powerful.

But somehow I sensed:

It was not Nancy
Aglet the devil wanted.

He wanted me, and,
by God, I had to be ready.

So I decided to not
only revitalize my faith

but to restore my
physical strength as well.

As they say in
Greenwich Village...

To tighten and tone my buns.

Excuse me. Uh, I'm Father Mayii.

- I called-
- Hey, padre! How you doin'?

I've been expecting you.

Are you ready for
the workout now?

What are we gonna work on today?
Pecmans?

Buttissimo?

Ah, the old abba dabbas
look a little soft, huh?

- I beg your pardon...
- First things first.

- Let's put this on your wrist.
- What is that?

Okay, this is a
digital heart monitor.

When your heart rate reaches
a certain stress level, it beeps.

The harder you pump,
the faster it beeps.

- Oh.
- Hi there, sailor.

Heh. Heh. Sailor. You know.

He must think this
is a naval uniform.

Oh...

Hey, your holiness.

You okay?

Well, let's rock and roll!
Come on!

No, no, I don't want to go
to the women's gymnasium.

Ah, your h-ness,
this is the 90s.

Everybody's doing it together.
Come on.

Oh, I, I just remembered.
I have another appointment-

Padre, listen to me.
First of all, you can't work out in this.

Let's go put some
real workout clothes on.

How you doing?
Mind keeping that door closed, please?

What do you say we
start sweating for the Lord.

- But I really-
- Come on. Here we go.

Excuse me.

Hi, Father.

Is there a convention in town?

All right, Father.

You wanna concentrate now. Back
straight, stomach in nice and tight, okay?

This is a great exercise
for the inner thigh.

When I count to three, breathe
normally, and ease out slowly.

Ready? Come on, now. One.

- Two.
- Ah!

Well, hello there.

How you doing?

I always wanted to
have a personal trainer.

Excuse me, I'm
looking for a man.

Oh, no, you go find one of your own.
This one's already taken.

Check, please.

Slowly.

There you go.

Let's go for 10, okay?

Father Mayii, I'm
so glad I found you.

I went to visit you at the home, but the
sister at the front desk said you're here.

Luke, you look troubled,
but then, you've always looked troubled.

The supreme council
has granted the exorcism.

- Well, thank God.
- There's a catch, I'm afraid.

Have you heard of Ernest Weller?

The evangelist with the
wife and matching dog?

Weller has convinced them
to televise the exorcism.

What?

My God!

That charlatan?

That hypocrite?

- Ah!
- Ah!

There. You see?
Someone else who knows that it's wrong.

You're a good man, Larry.

It's a sacrilege.
It's a travesty.

Televised exorcism?

I can't believe that
they'd do such a thing!

Well, they claim that
it will convert millions.

Millions! In Weller's pocket!

The man is a thief!
He's a swindler!

He's a crook posing
as a man of God!

That's the spirit, Father!
Together, we can do it!

No, Luke.

Ah!

Think of Nancy, Father.
You're the only one with the experience.

No, Luke, I do not
have the strength.

You must do it.
Raise up your faith, Luke.

Make it a giant
sword against Satan.

Remember:

Faith can move mountains.

Yeah!

Six. Seven.

Good, let's switch!

One. Two.

Three. Four.

Five. Six.

Seven. And reach to the side.

And one! Come on!

More! Three and four!

Five. Six. Seven.

Twist again.

Feel it, come on, work it!

Four. Five.

Six. Seven.

Now the upper arms reach.

Come on. Three. Three. Five.

Six. Forward!

Forward.

Two. Three. Faster!

One, two, three, four.

Come on, summer's coming!

Get those butts in gear!

Two, three, four.

Let's work with doggy kicks.

Come on!

And higher!

Three. Four.

Five. Come on!

Get it up!

Here we go!

Eight. Seven.

Six. Five.

Four. You've got three!

Two. One.

Eight more! Eight. Whoo!

Seven.

- I can't do it alone, Father.
- You can, Luke. And you must.

But I'm afraid to be
defeated in front of millions.

That didn't stop Mike Tyson.

Luke, remember: When you fall on
your face, you're still moving forward.

My heart is weak,
and I'm too old.

And I will not participate in
this, this sacrilegious circus.

You see, now I've lost my glasses.
Please, I want you to leave me alone.

I don't want to hear
any more about it.

Young man, I was just in the locker room
there, and all my clothes have been stolen.

And I want you to know,
I think that there's

someone here in the gymnasium
has a very serious problem.

Padre,

I think it's you with
the serious problem.

- What?
- Father? Are these your glasses?

Oh, thank you, my child.

What problem?
I don't have any problems. I, I.

Oh...

- Oh!
- Are you all right, Father?

Easy, your holiness.

Easy, man.

Father?

Oh, mommy!

Oh, mommy, no!

N-n-not my mommy!

Daddy's magazines-

Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

I'm Army Archerd, welcoming you to
the greatest television event of all time.

Ernest and Fanny's
Exorcism Tonight!

We have a tremendous audience
here at Global Television Studios,

waiting in anticipation of the
greatest names in show biz.

Is it? And look who's there!

It's Sean Penn!

Whoa!

Whoa!

Whoa!

And wait a minute!

Here they are, the courageous
couple who will be dueling with the devil!

Ernest and Fanny Rae Weller!

Could we get you to come up?
Can we get you to come up? Oh, good.

- Thank you.
- How are ya?

- Hi, Ernest.
- Hi! Ha, ha! Hi! Hi, everybody!

- How are you?
- Just fine. Hello.

And everybody
say hello to Kit-Kat!

Hello, Kit-Kat!

First off, do you have some
words for the group here?

Oh, yes, I do, I-

I want you to go home
and tune in the show!

- You're right. Come on.
- Okay.

Oh, poo.

This ensemble just
doesn't look right.

You mind if I change, honey?

Just hurry up.
We're on the air in 5 minutes.

Okay.

You know, Ernie, I just feel a little
bit nervous about coming face to face,

you know,
with the devil and all.

Relax.
Mrs. Aglet is not the devil.

She is just a nut with a bad
complexion who thinks she is possessed.

Oh, well, whatever you say.

Oh, there!

Now, I'll just look perfect
when I sing my song!

I can't wait. Heh, heh.

Remember, now, honey: You promised!
Okay, daddy.

Ah. Ah.

Aw.

Cue.

Settle down.

Cue announcer.

Live from Hollywood, it's Ernest
and Fanny's Exorcism Tonight!

And now, ladies and gentlemen,
Ernest and Fanny Rae Weller!

God bless

all of you.

Every one of you.

My friends,

tonight

is soon to become

the single most important
night in the history of mankind

because tonight

millions of you

will witness

as we rid the vile spirit

of Satan himself from the
soul of Mrs. Nancy Aglet!

Praise the Lord!

And assisting us in tonight's
exorcism is Father Luke Brophy.

And now, believers,

and non-believers

from the bowels of hell

I bring you

the devil!

Gee, mom looks terrible!

Well, they say TV does
add 10 pounds to you.

With the blessing of the Lord,

let's start this exorcism.

I command that thy putrid spirit leave
the holy being of this child of Jesus.

- I cast thee back to hell.
- To hell!

- I cast thee back to hell!
- To hell!

I cast thee back to hell!

Why don't you leave me a picture and resume
at the door and I'll get back to you, okay?

Oh, you think you're tough?

You're so tough?
How come you possessed a woman's body?

You get off wearing
women's clothing?

These just arrived for you.
We're back on the air in 10 seconds.

This is wonderful. Wonderful!

- What's it say, honey?
- You'll see. You will see.

Friends,

Fred Tartastein,
the president of this network,

has just informed me
that we are being viewed

by the largest audience
in television history.

We got no time to celebrate right now,
‘cause we have an exorcism to perform.

In the name of almighty God.

Ernie!

Watch out with
those special effects.

Those aren't our effects.

Setting off the
sprinkler system.

Quiet!

Do you realize we have
an awful lot in common?

We both use people and then dump
them when they're no longer of use to us.

I used you to get the
largest audience in history.

And now, you're
no longer necessary.

What do I do with a couple
of jackasses like you?

Ha, ha, ha! That's it.

Look! What's over there?

- Oh!
- What the-

Aah!

Walk this way!

Enough with the water.

To all the people of
the world, welcome.

Now that I have your undivided attention,
why don't we all get a little bit closer?

Ohh.

That's much better.

Hello, I'm Barbara Walters,
and this is 20/20.

Aah. I always wanted to do that.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is
Father Brophy, we have an emergency.

I beg of you,
if you're a man of God,

please rush to the Global Television
Studios in Hollywood, California-

Oh, sorry for the young
priest's emotional outburst.

He hasn't done
much TV, you know.

But I'd like all you viewers at home
now to gather around your TV sets.

'Cause I have
something very special-

Satan's spirit
flew out of the TV!

Ahh...

You think you've stopped me,
but think again.

'Cause I know another
way to reach those people!

Satan, stop!

Where do you
think you're going?!

I'm going to Disneyland!

Stop! Or I swear, Father
Mayii will burn in hell forever!

You can't burn
what you don't have.

Burn this!

And that's why producers like blonde,
17-year-old coeds as their assistants.

Look out!

Man, I didn't know this
tour had a stunt show!

Ha, ha, ha, ha!

Whoa!

Wow.

You guys don't waste any time.

Come on, let's go!

Aah! Ha, ha, ha!

Over there!

Oh, what'd I do
to deserve this?!

Stop, you monster!

Ah, what's the matter?

Can't take the heat, rookie?
Ha, ha, hal

Ahh!

I, the all-powerful
prince of darkness,

command all that is evil to unite
as one in my presence... Now!

Ha, ha, ha, ha!

Ah, yes!

Not bad, eh?

Now watch, through the
use of modern electronics,

as I turn millions of your
couch potatoes into my disciples!

Ha, ha, hal

Yes!

Freeze, pukeface!

Think you're man enough
for a real challenge?

A challenge? From you?

Oh, don't make me laugh.
My skin will crack.

Not me... Mayii.

Mayii?! Oh, that old geezer
stopped slinging holy water years ago.

Not before he
kicked your slimy butt.

No way!

I could've taken him.

The fight was fixed.

I want a rematch!

You got it.

Ha, ha, hal

This is it, America!

The event you've
all been waiting for.

Hi, I'm Mean Gene Okerlund,
along with Jesse "The Body" Ventura,

bringing you the ultimate
confrontation of good against evil.

Now, there's a man out there,

who many years ago banished
me from the very soul I now possess.

He humiliated me!

And now, I've come
back to settle matters.

And I'm not leaving until I
have his stinking, rotten soul.

Father Mayii!

Where are you?

I know you're watching.

Because this is Wednesday night,

and everybody knows the other
networks don't have dick to watch tonight.

So, do we do battle again?

Or do you cherry out and
let me keep this soul forever?

What do you say, Mayii?

No...

No!

By God, you may not!

The belle from hell
versus the dove from above

in a one-soul, anything
goes match-up, Jess.

It doesn't get any better
than this, Mean Gene,

but everyone knows
Mayii's got a bad ticker.

So Las Vegas oddsmakers have
listed him as a 25 to 1 underdog.

You call this a tip,
you cheap bastard?!

He doesn't stand a shot in hell!

Father Brophy! Luke!

- Luke!
- Father, what are you-

- Oh, were you watching on TV?
- Yes. I had to come. I had no choice.

Well, what about your heart?

Don't worry about that.
I brought it with me.

Father, this could kill you.

Yes. Yes, but that's irrelevant.

Satan is fighting
to take control here.

Well, I'm not so sure.

Remember,
his opponent is a woman.

Nice tits, sure, but a face I
wouldn't want to wipe my feet on.

- Ever hear of a paper bag?
- My money's on Mayii.

Mayii!

And they wonder why
priests never get married.

Now, Luke, I'm going
to need your assistance,

but if you are still lacking in faith,
you may be more harm than good.

- Are you?
- No way.

- You can count on me.
- Good.

Now, just remember one thing:

The devil is always trying
to take over your mind.

He'll lie to you, he will deceive you.
He will totally try to manipulate you.

So do not listen to
anything that he has to say.

He's worse than
a studio executive.

- Understood?
- Understood.

Worse than a real estate
agent, a divorce attorney-

- I got it.
- Right.

All right, then.

Let's go.

They're here...

Ah!

I see it pays to
advertise on television.

I think a little mood
lighting is appropriate.

Don't you?

There.

Have no fear, my son.

We have the Bible,
we have our faith.

And as a back-up,
these beauties.

That's an illegal
foreign object!

Jesse, what do you
know about fairness?

I'll show you fairness!

Are you just about finished?

It's been a long time, Mayii.

I've waited an
eternity to do to you

what you did to me
all those years ago.

Before I do, I've got
something special for you.

Oh, that is disgusting,
Mean Gene!

I have never seen a move like
that in all my years of wrestling!

Whew!

So,

how do you like it?

Oh, you'll pay for that,
you bucket of cow dung.

How dare you, you-

How long has she
been in this condition?

A few days. How does she look?

Not too good. She looks like she's
been existing solely on airline food.

Your Father wears tight underwear!
And I can't stand your mother!

Will you put a sock in it?!

Jeez, what crawled
up your butt and died?

Every night I prayed to never
again gaze on your grotesque face,

listen to your venomous voice,
but with you right in front of me now,

I thank God that I have the opportunity
to boot your stinking carcass back to hell,

you worthless, you
rotting, you vulgar spirit.

Hey, hey, hey!

Where does it say you
can talk to me like that?

Right here.

Oh, sure, you may feel
pretty cocky right now,

but you'll soon realize that I
am far too powerful for you.

And I am a man of God.

And I fear no one, especially an
unholy spirit from an unsavory world.

Unsavory? Aw, come on.

You've got just as many
unsavory types here.

From those Domino's Pizza delivery
boys to that idiot in the back row

who won't shut up
during the movie.

Enough!

This is meandering.

Father, my lunch bucket.

Holy water.

The church was closed, um,
the only place open was a 7-11.

Ahh, thank you, you've
been a lovely audience.

And next, I'd like to do my
impression of comedian Don Adams.

Where's the chief, 99?

Do not get smart with me!

On a visit to the little town of Bethlehem,
a young Shepherd came upon Jesus,

accepted him Lord-

Lick me! Lick me!

Lick me!

Oh, is this cool or what?

It's the cone-ilingus move.

Why don't you take a lick of this candy
stick, you sissy boys! Hee hee hee!

That's disgusting!

And the living
Jesus said unto him,

"He who is strong in his belief of
God shall have his sins forgiven."

What a levitation move!

Jesus said unto him-

Father, Luke, do not believe what
you are seeing. It is merely an illusion.

You sound like George
Bush on the deficit!

But she's floating in midair.

Hey!
What are you doing with those scissors?

Hey!

Ohh!

- Ouch!
- Oh!

That was the anti
gravity backdrop, wow!

lllegal, Man Gene!

As I said, itis
merely an illusion.

Oh, yes.
That may have been an illusion.

But I know something
that's very real.

Your heart condition!

Oh, but don't worry.

Far be it from me
to want to rattle you.

Ah! Oh!

Say your prayers, Mayii.

Because soon you'll be history.

That's enough!

In the name of God,
I demand you stop this charade!

You... demand?

You're not in a position
to demand dick, altar boy!

See, I know all about you.

And why you really
joined the church.

Oh, sure.
They have a terrific dental plan.

- But that wasn't why.
- Be quiet.

Ignore that beast, Luke.

You joined the church because
you had no talents, no skills,

were totally untrainable,
and your S.A.T. score was under 400.

- Shut up!
- Don't listen!

So, you had two choices.

Either working in the church,
or the U.S. senate.

I said, shut up, damn you!
Shut up!

Don't listen, Luke!

I just want to thank you
for joining the church.

Because of you, I'll be able to
keep this woman's soul forever.

I have no right
calling myself a priest.

Luke, I have to
ask you to leave.

Aw, please, dad, can't he stay?
Tomorrow's not a school day. Please?

Damn you!

I'll kill you with
my bare hands.

Aw, you take your
best shot, you old fart.

Now, don't take a look at this picture with
your mother in bed with Manuel Noriega.

Aah!

Aah!

Luke!

He's down! He's out!

It's a heart attack, Mean Gene!

Massive cardiac.

- What a wuss!
- Father.

Uh!

He's coming back, ladies and gentlemen.
Oh!

What a comeback, Jesse Ventura!

I don't believe it!
He was down and out and finished!

So, you're a hard man to Kill.

It might be easier if
you were a woman.

Sister Mayii!

That guy even scares me,
Mean Gene.

Hi, ya, ya, ya!

Well, it ain't Star Search,
but I got a million of these.

This is the craziest
exorcism I've ever performed.

Hey! Who are you?

I'm your worst nightmare.

Something's wrong.

Ahh! Who needs steroids?

Steroids aren't used
in wrestling anymore.

Or any less.

And we are here to pump

you up!

Hey!

You're nothing but
a little girly devil.

Satan!

Satan, you got him on the run.
What move you gonna use next?

Next, I'm gonna grab
a wrestler by his neck,

suck out his eyeballs,
and spit 'em down his throat!

What did she say?

She's talking to you, Mean Gene.

Oh! Oh! Ooh! Ooh!

In the name of the holy Father,

I anoint this woman's body with
the symbol of God's goodness.

Ha, ha! You missed!

You swine!

Ooh!

Your tricks have
no effect on me!

Father.

I'm seeing a pattern here.

You fiend!

- Why am I a fiend?
- I was talking to her.

- You were looking at me.
- Well, you know!

I had nothing to
do with the water.

It came from over there
and it came from up there.

Luke!

- Luke!
- Leave her body!

Enter mine! Enter mine!

Luke!

Oh, no!

He's innocent.

It's my body you want.

Enter me!

Enter me!

Enter me!

Enter me!

Father Mayii?

Yes?

You may!

Father, don't!

You talk about
your action, Jesse!

It looks like a
transvestite battle royal!

Ooh...

Well, we almost had it
there for a second, didn't we?

- Nice goin'.
- Face it, you guys can't beat me.

You're losers.

No one can destroy what
the devil has created. Nah!

If it takes my last breath,
I'll prove you wrong.

What are we gonna do? We tried
everything, everything the devil hates.

Prayers, holy water, sex,
drugs, and rock and roll.

Rock and roll?

Rock and roll?
We never tried that.

I hate rock and roll.

Oh, you hate rock and roll?

Well, wait till you
get a load of me!

Hello, 911? This is the devil.

I'm being driven back to
hell by loud music. Could you-

Hello? Hello?

No!

There's no place like home.

There's no place like home.

- Nancy.
- There's no place-

It's all over now.

Ooh!

Ooh!

Oh, Father Mayii!

You saved me once again!
How can I ever thank you?

Ooh!

Nancy, saving your
soul is thanks enough.

Good will always
triumph over evil.

But I'm confident now that we
have seen the last of this vile demon.

Mayii!

I'll be back!

Ohh, shit.

So, it happened.

Victory over the devil.

A great day for mankind.

And a pretty good
day for split pea soup.

Nancy and Braydon are a happy
couple again, and the kids are just fine.

But now they're
taking acting lessons.

But that's not important right now.
I have a very special guest here for you.

Nancy Aglet.

Now, I'm sure many of you
have questions you'd like to ask.

Yes?

How do you feel
after all of this?

I feel wonderful.
Thanks for asking.

Uh, uh.

Yes?

No offense, but I think you're
insulting our intelligence.

I mean, honestly, do you
expect us to swallow this bullshit?